#ESPECIALLY when sat analyzing it all like this which happens nearly every night and anyway

[rivilu]

A little to the left situation of the 'never trust your brain after 9pm' post where instead of cut and dry catastrophizing, after 2:30 am I start making extremely accurate self psychoanalysis specifically about the most depressing aspects of my life

[gravityunforgiven]

Right Where You Left Me (Kakashi x OC)

Pairings: Kakashi x OC, Jiraiya x Tsunade

Synopsis:

She was the daughter of a Legendary Sannin, He, a son of a disgraced shinobi. Fate brought them together but life tore them apart. Will they be able to take control of their destinies and find their way back to each other?

...Or will they be another victim of the cruel shinobi world they are both a part of?

Chapter Four

"You didn't tell me." Kakashi's tone was almost accusing.

Their roles were reversed now. She was the one sitting on the bench of the locker room as he stood next to her.

You didn't tell me you were going to be a jinchūriki. You didn't tell me you were chosen.

Of course, that never happened. She was too late to do anything.

Akira looked up, her voice just as cold as his, almost menacing. "I didn't think you should know."

A deafening silence engulfed the two.

"He's dead." She breathed in conclusion. A silence fell over the two as their reality sank in. Minato was gone and so was Kushina. Kakashi knows they were an important figure in her life especially after her mother left the village.

Kakashi sat down next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

They didn't talk much for the next three years. He threw himself at work to relieve his pain and she did exactly the same to relieve her guilt but every now and then, Kakashi would find a neatly wrapped bento box placed on his front door and he would know it came from her because she was the only one he told about how much he hated eating his own cooking.

She remembered.

—

He just turned seventeen the first time he walked her home. Their friends threw him a small party ( against his will) in the dango shop for his birthday. Everyone in their class were invited and Kakashi actually had a good time himself.

Akira was not her usual self that night.

She had just returned from a mission from the Land of the Waves when Kurenai knocked on her door and dragged her to the shop. She was never the one for the parties but she sure does enjoy the company of her friends but she was just dead tired at the moment. The adrenaline cursing through her veins for the past week had died down and fatigue has taken its place instead.

It was half past one when the celebration wrapped. Everyone bid their goodbyes outside the shop and parted ways.

She headed west and him to the east.

However, Kakashi couldn't get Akira's unusual behaviour out of his head. He just turned into the first corner when he found himself running back, past the dango shop, and to the opposite direction of his apartment at full speed.

He found her walking on third street on the way to her house. Akira immediately noticed the familiar chakra signature and stopped on her tracks.

"Kakashi?"

He gave her a smile, his eyes crinkling in the process. "I thought you shouldn't walk alone at this time of the night." He shrugged.

Of course, that was a lie. She was more than capable of taking care of both of them but it was all Kakashi could come up in the short time he had before he was able to catch up with her.

She lived on the far west side of the village, in one of the quieter neighbourhoods. She had too much chaos in her life that she just wanted to have a little bit of serenity in the rare times she was actually home and she figured that the best place to get that was to be away from the center of the village and in a neighbourhood full of civilians. In here, she could just be a normal person just like every body else.

Their walk back to her apartment was quiet, peaceful, even. The two of them basked in the calmness that surrounded them and the presence of one another. There were no words that needed to be spoken, they both knew how nice it was not to walk home alone for once.

Kakashi was at a war with himself the whole way to her place. He didn't know what got to him and he did this. He was not typically the one who acts based on impulse. He was a shinobi, the kind who plans his every move and analyzes the situation he was in.

But this, right now. Walking next to her, Kakashi couldn't put his finger to what he was feeling but somehow...it felt right.

"This is me." She said, stopping in front of a moss-colored door.

He bid his goodbyes and left. But Kakashi lingered in her street a little bit more. He hid behind the shadow of a street lamp and stayed until he heard the click from her door as it locked and the first light in her home burst into life.

On his way home, he concluded that he was just being a good friend and it really was just late. He made himself believe that it was just a lapse of judgement on his side and it would never happen again but ever since that night, they sat a little closer to each other, sometimes their shoulders would brush and although Akira seemed oblivious about it, Kakashi was hyperaware of her skin brushing against his and he couldn't be more thankful for the mask he wore.

Kakashi tried his best to fight against his own instinct. It was no easy task especially for a shinobi who relies on his instincts the most, but for her sake, he did.

He knew he was bad for her and she was too good for him. Everyone he had ever loved died. His parents, his team and most recently, his sensei. He couldn't do that to her. He would rather suffer for the rest of his life knowing she cannot be his than bring her down with him.

He can't live with that. So he did. He did his best to do what he believed was right and ignored his feelings knowing she deserved someone better. Someone who could protect her more that he can. There were no labels between them and he settled on the privilege of walking her home when he had the chance. Every time, he would tell himself that it would be the last time he was going to walk with her only to fail again the next time.

Kakashi knew he was in too deep. He didn't know when he started falling. All he knew was that when he walked next to her for the first time nearly two years ago, deep inside, he wanted to be by her side for a very long time.

She made him feel safe, she didn't treat him any differently when people were calling him names and their friends looked at him with pity in their eyes. She has just always been there. She was his one constant since his days in the academy to his time as an ANBU. She understood his pain when he lost Minato and respected his space when she too was grieving and needed someone but most of all, he fell for her genuine kindness, her bravery and how she always puts others before herself.

It was during the time when Kakashi found himself meddling with Root Division business, a stern warning came from her. She said he may no longer recognize himself if he continued to deal with the division. She said it was made for people specifically like him. But when Lord Third was negotiating with Danzo, she volunteered herself to be in exchange for another wood style user, Kinoe. His abilities were only half of what she can do and yet she willingly went back into the dark so he could find the light. The Third strongly disagreed with this, but like before, Akira did not listen and she was back in the Root Division. She shrugged nonchalantly saying she needed more training anyway.

Kakashi asked if Kinoe knew Akira. He said yes. She was really powerful when they trained together and they became good friends since they were the same age.

When the Root Division was disbanded, Akira was back on the Hokage's ANBU. She was in the hospital for weeks, and when she came back, she was still wincing in pain.

This made Kakashi want to put her first for once. He felt like she had no regards for her life, like she didn't care about it. He knew what that feeling is like and he wanted her to know that she was so more than just another pawn in the war.

She was slowly becoming his world.

She made him feel things that he didn't even know existed, she made him do things he thought he would never do. She made him see the beauty of life once again.

She saved him.

For two years Kakashi kept himself at bay, wondering if Akira felt the same way as he did. A part of him hoped she only saw him as a friend and nothing more, he hoped that the meals she left on his door were just random acts of kindness on her part, he hoped it was just him making up stupid scenarios in his head because he knew wasn't strong enough to stop himself from caving in if she does.

Their friends eventually noticed Kakashi's odd behaviour. He looked for her as he passed through the sushi restaurant where she's mostly seen these days, it was her face he first searches in a crowded room, the one he hoped to see when he tagged along for dinners and the others eventually noticed.

They didn't really confront the two about what was going on (except for Gai which Kakashi outright denied) but they always had their suspicions that there was something more than what meets the eye.

He ran into her in the locker room the night he first held her hand. She just came from a week long solo mission in the Land of the Snow and though he wouldn't admit it, he missed her.

"How did it go?" He had asked her.

"It went well." She replied as she strapped her shoe into place.

She stood up from the bench the same time he sat down. Before she reached the door she called his name and told him she was going to report in to the Hokage and eat dinner after. She was out of the door before Kakashi could ask her if she wanted him to join her for dinner. He stared at the door, perplexed and unsure of what she meant.

He ate next to her anyway. That night when he walked her home on the now familiar streets that led to her house, their hands lightly brushed against each other. Kakashi's heart almost stopped when he felt her hand take his own.

It was warm. So warm that the heat radiating from their tangled hands traveled through his whole body.

She wanted him.

Akira held Kakashi's hand just as tight as he did with hers. They didn't have to exchange words to know how each felt. Their eyes already said a million words. It was just how it's always been with the two of them.

When they reached her house, Kakashi walked her up to her front door. He watched in amusement as she fumbled with her keys before finally abled to unlock the bolt and switched the first light on.

They stood in her doorway, both unsure of what to do next but when her green orbs met his dark ones, Kakashi knew there was no stopping them now. Whatever the consequence may be, there was no turning back. They were both in too deep that the world would just have to deal with them being together.

Kakashi leaned in and kissed her forehead. She smelt like oakmoss, like the forest after the rain. It eased Kakashi's nervousness.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

Everything fell into place soon after that. As the months passed by, the began to fall in love with each other, know each other, it was slow and gentle, like the flowers blooming in the spring.

They became familiar with each other's presence, their small quirks and habits, like how Kakashi likes his miso soup with eggplants in them or how Akira can't go to bed without a cup of warm tea and the way he would stay up late at night just to watch her sleep, wondering how he had gotten so lucky only to discover that Akira talks in her sleep. She mumbled words in a language Kakashi never understood but once in a while, his name would leave her lips and Kakashi swore he could feel himself falling in love with her all over again.

Kakashi never thought he could love someone this much. love. He was in love with Akira. He thought he loved her enough before, but now, having her in his arms, knowing her the way he was the only one allowed to, Kakashi asked himself what he could have possibly done to deserve her.

None of their friends knew. In fact, no one besides the two of them knew about their relationship for an entire year. It was the first time for the both of them and they wanted their relationship to be theirs for the time being. They knew the others would find out soon enough but for now, they wanted to relish the feeling of finally having each other after years of holding back.

It was a little after Kakashi had moved in to her apartment when the news broke out. He had been sleeping in her house for months and didn't do much "moving in" anymore since most of his things were already in her house anyway. In fact, her apartment has been looking more and more like theirs for a while. She had neatly folded her clothes to make space for his growing number of shirts left in her place months ago and the window sill that contained her worn-out books now has his as well.

Their relationship finally became public when Genma had caught Kakashi leaving Akira's apartment early one morning. It would have been harmless and easily dodged if Akira hadn't bolted out of the door to give Kakashi a kiss goodbye on his masked lips. Genma initially kept their secret for weeks but accidentally slipped up during a conversation which Kurenai and Gai immediately picked up. It wasn't long after that when the pats on the back were given followed with congratulations for the couple. Their former classmates weren't really surprised by the news, they always knew it was going to lead to this but what took them by surprised was how they were able to keep it a secret for a long time.

The answer was simple. They were both ANBU members after all.

Kakashi cherished their long walks together the most. After all, it was where everything started. They walked along the streets of Konoha, hand in hand with the moon shining brightly above them. No one could touch the way they laughed in the dark, talking about their future or the way they would spend hours on wrapped in each other's arms, watching the sun go down. He loved how the world seemed to fade away when he looks at her. All he could see was this woman who chose him despite his flaws and accepted him wholeheartedly.

They were no longer two seperate beings, they were two souls merged into one. This time, they will have each other to lean on for the rest of their lives.

That was the plan.

Life doesn't always go according to plan.

—

Next Up: Tsunade and Akira meets again.

[mydisasteracademia]

SFW Alphabets: Tomura Shigaraki

Y’all know the drill.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Depends on how much he likes you, and whether the rest of the League is around. Usually to show his affection he listens to you more, looks you in the eyes, and takes your input when needed, and sometimes he might rest his elbow on your shoulder. When you’re alone, however, he can get really clingy. He loves resting his head in your lap and snuggling into you.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

He definitely talks to you a lot. Complains his ass off about missions with the League, maybe asks advice for dealing with a specific problem. he can be fairly touchy-feely with you, maybe leaning in over your shoulder or sitting with his side touching yours. If needed, he’ll grab your fingers while walking. You two probably hit it off on an online chatroom, probably talking about how much heroes suck, and when you met up in person, he was shocked at how pretty you were.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

You know he’s hugging on you as soon as you’re alone. Tomura is private about romantic affection, and he has a lot of it to give. Since this is his first relationship, his instinct is to press and see what he can get away with. As soon as you get into a good rhythm together, he likes pulling you into his lap while he’s doing something just to rest his chin on your shoulder.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

As much as he likes you, I doubt he’d be keen on settling down just yet. Remember, he still has hero society to burn to the ground. I doubt he can cook and clean that well, so he’ll need some help with that. He keeps things fairly tidy, surprisingly.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

He’d be incredibly upset while he does so, and he might just pace about in front of you and rant about how conflicted his is, but eventually he’ll tell you that you need to break up. He’s either paranoid of Sensei disapproving, or Sensei outright told him that he needs to let you go in order to focus on his goals. He’s very upset about it, but doesn’t want to go against what Sensei says (in the beginning, anyway).

F = Fiancé(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

First off, you can’t exactly legally get married. If you did, he’d probably get arrested considering his status as a villain. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about it from time to time in the context of you being his cute little house-spouse, ready to greet him whenever he comes home from a long day of dismantling hero society as a whole. He really thinks about it for a while, especially after you offhandedly mention actually committing to something like that. But he’s still not ready to settle just yet. Help him destroy society as you know it and maybe he’ll reconsider.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

It depends. In front of others, he’s not gonna treat you any better than them. He’ll treat you like any other comrade. But when you’re alone, he’s loads more gentle with you. You’re special to him, of course, and he wants you to know it especially when you’re away from prying eyes.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

He likes hugs, but he doesn’t like initiating them. If someone like Toga or Twice hugs him, he doesn’t push them away, but he doesn’t exactly hug back. If you happen to hug him in front of others, usually it’s a quick catch-and-release. When you’re alone, though, if you hug, he doesn’t let go. He loves your touch.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

He’s very stubborn and doesn’t say it right away. You’ll end up saying it first, and it gets him thinking. Does he love you? Eventually, though, after a while into your relationship, he says it to you when he thinks you’re asleep.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

He gets incredibly jealous, very easily. You’re his s/o, dammit, and he doesn’t want other people to intrude on his turf! He may have matured greatly past his Season 1 demeanor, but wherever you’re involved, he tends to get heated. If Dabi happens to rest an arm across your shoulders, he tends to get frustrated. If Compress steals your attention for too long, he’s fairly quick to drag you away.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

His kisses are purposeful and rough (due to his lips). It depends on his mood. Sometimes he’s content to give you a lip peck, sometimes he cups your cheeks and deepens it until you both pull away panting. Kissing, to him, is special. And he wants every one to be special.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Not exactly horrible around children, but not great, either. Since most children tend to idolize heroes, he can’t be around them for long without needing a break to take out his frustration on something (probably one of poor Kurogiri’s shotglasses). Depending on the child, though, he can be more patient than he is with most adults because he understands them more. Especially with abuse victims. (Careful that you don’t end up taking in a victim of parental abuse as your own.)

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He likes to laze about in bed in the morning, just holding you and pressing slow kisses across your shoulders and back. When you eventually need to get up, he likes to watch as you go about getting ready for the day.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

As soon as you’re alone, he’s sitting down with you in his lap. You scroll through your phone with him, maybe play an RPG together, just as long as you get to lie in bed together he’s down for it. The two of you end up falling asleep tangled in one another’s arms (careful that his are far away from you if he’s not wearing gloves).

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Tomura doesn’t do heart-to-hearts unless it’s talking about how your ideologies align. He’s extremely reluctant to talk about his own past with you unless it’s singing Sensei’s praises as a teacher, but sometimes he just has to vent to someone about how shitty his childhood was. In those moments, as you run your fingers through his hair, he tells you about his bastard father and doormat family, his sister, and his dog. If he cries a little, you’ll never tell.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He’s gotten a lot better about keeping his temper in check, but he still has those moments when he gets angry and sulky. No matter what, he just can’t keep his anger at bay whenever he’s around someone gushing about their favorite heroes, especially not when it’s All Might. He doesn’t like it when someone insults his abilities and underestimates him, either. All the better reason to dust them where they stand.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He tries to remember every single little thing that he can about you. Like Midoriya, he likes to analyze you and find out for himself what you like so that he can surprise you sometimes. He has a full notebook about things he’s noticed you tend to gravitate towards, as well as things you’ve stated are your favorite.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

His favorite memory is when you first healed him. You were relatively new to the League (a find by Toga), and while he didn’t trust you yet, you had panicked when you noticed a gash in his side and immediately sat him down to try and wrap the wound. Your tender care as you wrapped him up touched him, and from that point on he paid more attention to you.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

He is extremely protective of you, nearly to the point of being obsessed. He would do anything to keep you safe. He hates being viewed as weak, but when you have to come to his aid, he appreciates it, even if he feels like he has to show off a little more to offset the nagging feeling of being inadequate.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

The two of you don’t do things as a couple often, but when you do, he puts in a lot of effort into making your dates go perfectly. He gets frustrated when things don’t go to plan, but you often manage to distract him. He puts a lot of thought into gifts for you, only picking the things he knows you like.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Aside from his scratching (which is a compulsion due to his Quirk), he can be really judgmental and sarcastic, especially when he’s in a bad mood. He tends to be a little manipulative and when you get him angry, you need to give him room before apologizing. He feels betrayed easily and requires a lot of convincing for him to let go of his hurt feelings, but he still remembers.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Before he met you, he didn’t put a lot of stock into his appearance. But afterwards, he started feeling self-conscious about his skin and face. He knows he can’t do much to help it, but it’s still frustrating when he looks in the mirror and sees how badly-damaged his skin is. He gets very insecure next to you.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Before you? No, he was totally fine. After you? Definitely. Tomura is a very lonely person at heart and while he didn’t realize he wanted a person at his side before, now he doesn’t think he can live without you next to him.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Likes to go into stores and discreetly dust All Might merch. It’s surprisingly good stress relief.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Literally anything heroic. It’s one thing to be nice and kind to people; he can definitely handle that after all the shit he’s gone through. But actually striving to be like the pro heroes? He wouldn’t be able to be around you. You can’t be judgmental either, because he knows he’s not the ideal type of guy to be around, and hearing it from you too would get old very quick.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

He’s plagued with mild insomnia and has a hard time falling asleep at night. With you, though, he’s been able to calm down enough to get a reasonable amount of sleep at night just by sleeping next to you. Still lazes about and lightly dozes in the morning, though.

[unstoppableforcce]

a mistake ( 3 )

paring: Poe Dameron x Reader

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a/n: with a brief moment of inspiration, I managed to write this! I don’t know if it’s good, I don’t know what’s happening to my motivation but I like it so! as always, enjoy the pain :)

“Evening, Commander.”

Evening. That’s right, he reminded himself by stealing a glance out the window behind the bar, spotting the setting sun. It was evening.

He glanced to the source of the voice, just another solider who passed, giving him a firm clap on the back of his shoulder before moving along with the fervent crowd behind him.

It had been a slow day, not particularly hard but Poe took those the worst. A slow day meant free time, and free time for him could be dangerous. Free time was when the feelings of inadequacy seeped back in through the defensive layer of confidence he so carefully constructed. If he could occupy his hands, he could occupy his mind.

But free time. That was what drove him to the bar, alone, drink hanging loosely from his fingertips as the chaos of the cantina began to blur behind him. It was practically a miracle he even heard the soldier as they passed, had they not hit his shoulder, they probably would have disappeared along with the rest of his surroundings.

Even the bartender was beginning to blur, just a means to exchange the empty bottles in his hand for a new fuller one.

Your voice was clear.

“Uh- A correllian rum maybe.” It cut through the slurry of his senses, suddenly all he could hear.

He wasn’t sure how long you had been there or how you had managed to fight your way to the counter next to him anyways, but he didn’t mind it much either. He needed a distraction and the sight of you alone was certainly that.

Though, he must have been drunker than he realized because his stare was about as far from subtle as humanly possible.

“Evening Commander.” The words drew from your lips the second you turned to him, slow, sultry, clearly as intoxicated as he felt he was. Your hand combed your hair away from your face as you leaned on the counter, waiting for your drink and he swore he nearly melted.

But for the life of him, he couldn’t remember your name.

You were a mechanic, you worked on his ship, you had certainly caught his eye before and yet in the moment, feeling the drunken flush rushing to his cheeks at the mere sight of you, he couldn’t remember it.

“Hey.” Smooth Dameron, some of your best work. “You’re that mechanic right?”

He nearly wanted to cringe at his own words, but your laugh took him back out of his head.

“Yeah, just that mechanic.” You smirked back, returning the gentle scan he had given you, trailing your stare back over him as he had done to you. Though yours had the subtlety that his lacked, he almost missed it.

Or maybe he was drunk. Both were possibilities at this point, he would admit.

“Well, you already know my name.” He tried his hand at a similar smirk, but you turned away, towards the bartender as they passed you the drink.

And even though it was momentary, and your stare was back almost as quickly as it left, just the brief moment of losing your attention made him desperate to keep it for longer. It was a distraction. But it was also you. And he was quick to imagine he would have no problem allowing you to become all-encompassing.

“That I do, Commander.” You added back, and for a second, he was so caught up in you that he barely remembered what you were referencing. He had to blink a few times before he caught back up. When you offered your name, he was back to the present, nodding as your name became the only thing he wanted to repeat in his thoughts.

He couldn’t help himself any longer. “You drinking alone tonight?”

You scoffed into your drink, but you weren’t exactly running away. You stole a glance over your shoulder, back to the crowd, but he didn’t bother following it.

“Yeah, looks like it.” You trailed off as you turned back to him, the same smirk seeming a constant on your lips. “Why, are you?”

“I was.” Not anymore.

It didn’t take long for the two of you to stumble back to a room together, his room, as would quickly become the norm. His hands scaled up and down your form, hesitant at first then everywhere at once as your hands began doing the same.

By the time he got the door open, you were practically peeling the clothes off your body for him. Could you be blamed though? It was THE Commander Dameron. Talk of the base, hero to the alliance, best pilot in the—

“Commander-” The moan tore through you as he pulled your hips flush with his own. His skin was just as hot as his face had been, the tender tips of his calloused fingers tracing along your spine.

It was delicate and hungry. It was vulnerable and ferocious.

It was in no way surprising, from what you knew of his reputation, the way he trailed kisses down from your neck to your chest and even lower, it was a perfect description of him. He was kind, he had a pitifully caring heart and he conveyed just that with every press of his lips. But he was a fighter. He made quick work of discarding each article of clothing, nipping and gnawing in between each tender kiss.

You wanted to match his enthusiasm, but in your drunken state, though you were fully aware of what you wanted, you weren’t nearly as graceful in obtaining it. Pressing forward against his grip, pushing more power into the kiss as he returned to your lips, you tumbled the two of you back to the bed.

But any mortification stemming from your display of eagerness was washed away when he let out a soft laugh and tugged you back on top of him, in no way deterred by the change in position.

If anything, sitting with you in his lap was much easier. Not only was your presence, the echoing of your soft moans, and the heat of your skin already dizzying enough, but the ale was sitting heavy in head, and had you not pulled him down, he would have made the change anyways. There were no complaints, not a single one.

Each shift of his hips got you to release a flurry of sound into his neck, “Commander” falling from your lips over and over—

“Poe.” He groaned, out of breath, “Call me Poe.”

So you did.

“Poe—” “Poe—”

“Poe!” That wasn’t your voice. And the sound of a datapad slamming on the desk he sat behind…

He snapped back to reality, the visceral memory of you that first night melting away as the fluorescent surroundings came back around him. It was Leia’s office.

It was Leia talking to him.

“Poe…” She repeated, taking in his jump out of his head, watching as he settled back into reality. Her tone was more concerned than anything else, though, he had just fallen asleep mid-strategy discussion. If he deserved anything, it was her anger, not her concern.

“Sorry—I didn’t mean to—”

“When was the last time you got a good night’s sleep, Poe?”

He scoffed. It was all he was capable of given just how absurd her suggestion sounded in his mind. Flexing his fist open and closed, the bruises had slightly faded into a yellow color, but it didn’t hurt any less than it had right after he punched the wall outside your office.

It had been about a week. The longest kriffing week.

“I uh—I just,” he could barely form a sentence, stars, what were you doing to him. “It’s been a little.”

“What’s going on?” She settled into the seat next to him, setting her gentle hand on his arm where it rested on the armrest between them. “Is there anything I can—”

He pulled back from her touch, “No, it’s not—I’m fine, I’m okay.”

“You just fell asleep in the middle of a meeting Poe. You’re not fine.”

What defense did he have against that, she could practically look at him and know how he was feeling, now all she could do was stare and analyze him. And she was not a fan of what she was finding.

“Poe—”

“She broke things off, I guess.” He added, hiding his knuckles in his lap. “I don’t know.”

Her sigh was heavy, propping herself up on her hand to stare at him. “I’m sorry.”

“No.” He shook his head. “You know, she had some fears about us, about you knowing, and she’s my subordinate…”

He had to rub over his face, to wake himself up the rest of the way. Leia was the General, but she was more of a maternal figure to him, especially in moments like this. And with her gentle gaze, the care in her eyes, he couldn’t help but spill his heart out for her.

His poor and suffering heart.

“It is technically against the uniform code…” As if he didn’t already know that. “But it isn’t uncommon, Poe. It’s frowned upon but if you’re being smart and respecting the situation, I won’t demote you for it—”

“It’s more than that, it’s—”

Well it felt like it was him.

Whether demotion was on the table or not, it felt distinctly like the issue you took fault with was that it was him. That he was known and the second anyone found out, it would be you existing only in relation to him and not of your own merit. Which wasn’t fair and it was a completely legitimate fear because that was the way rumors spread on a base like this and—

And he hated it. He hated that there was nothing he could do, there was no part of that he could fix. He couldn’t stop being him. And he wasn’t about to ruin your career for something like casual sex.

Because the worst part of it all was how casual it was. That he didn’t have any part of you for real. That none of it was ever discussed. You fell into a rhythm together after that first night. But what was it really?

Given how easily you ended it, it certainly felt that you only thought it was casual sex.

At first, he would have agreed. Except now. Now the pain in his heart felt oddly reminiscent of love. A pain not too far from that of his knuckles. Because things were over and only now was he coming to terms with what he was feeling for you.

“I don’t know how to fix this.” He finally admitted to Leia, somehow managing to look up and meet her eye. “I can’t sleep, I can’t—”

“Poe, you can’t let this ruin you.”

“I know.” He sighed.

But it wasn’t simple, or at least it didn’t feel simple.

The first night had been pure need, his need for a distraction from everything, from the stress of it all, from his responsibility, from the heavy guilt weighing in his heart and the plaguing inadequacy that lingered in his veins.

But since that first night, he had, not that he would fully admit to it but, he had become a much different person. It was no longer a distraction but something he wanted to focus on more.

There was less stress, at least it was controllable as opposed to all-consuming as it had been. There were less sleepless nights, though losing you had certainly sent him spiraling back. He’d lay awake at night with his brain surging with every thought that you could make go away, every feeling that seemed to evaporate the second he pressed his lips to yours.

He would overthink everything but you. With you, he could just do.

There was no dwelling on the past, there was only imagining a future.

He couldn’t do it anymore. He needed to find you.

It was the evening as he escaped Leia’s office on a quest to do just that, the sun just beginning to set outside the hanger. He didn’t know what he would say, but he needed to find you.

He needed you.

-> my ko-fi

[nitswz]

stained hearts (1/9)

**disclaimer** i am completely aware that it’s unlikely that CALM is all about Luke and Sierra. i just thought it would be an interesting twist to take the songs off CALM that I could, and connect them all into the same storyline. i am not saying Luke is or isn’t like this, this is just an interpretation of the songs as if they were real and in story form. these ‘“interpretations” could be completely off, this is just what I thought it would have played out like if these songs were all about one relationship; Luke and Sierra’s. some of them are based off interviews where they discussed the songs. this isn’t me trying to discredit any of the other guys’ relationships, make assumptions about Luke and Sierra’s relationships, or to insinuate Luke is like this, this was just for fun.

fight so dirty but your love so sweet

Fuming. Sierra was fuming. As she stumbled through the crowd trying to find the quickest exit out of the club, she regretted every decision she ever made that led her to where she was right now. Once she maneuvered way through the crowd and out the door into the bitter cold, she took a moment to breathe and go over everything that’s happened in her head.

Sierra went to apologize, and hopefully resolve things, but what she found was a drunk Luke Hemmings feeling up some girl on the dance floor; flashing her the smile that she thought he reserved for her. She was stuck, frozen in place, watching the guy she treasured so dearly, with another girl in his arms. While lost in her own head, he glanced up and made direct eye contact her for a solid 2 seconds, which was more than enough for her.

She pulled out her phone and quickly scheduled an Uber. Well, as quickly as her nearly numb hands would allow her to. 2 minutes away. She could do that. Keep it together, for 2 minutes and the extra 5 minutes to her house. Then she’ll be home and she can break down there.

As she stood there, freezing her ass off, Luke came outside stumbling a bit, his lack of sobriety really showing. He glanced around before his eyes landed on hers for a second time that night. He walked up and looked at her for a moment, as she stared at the cement.

“So, what’s up?” he spoke quietly.

Sierra couldn’t hold back the scoff that escaped her mouth.

“Nothing Lu, what’s up with you?” The way she said his nickname, was opposite to how he had always known her to. It wasn’t loving or warm, it wasn’t her. It was bitter, and spiteful, and fuck if it didn’t hurt to hear. But he wasn’t gonna back down. Not yet.

“You can cut the attitude Sierra.” He spoke bitterly.

“So, that girl, who’s she?” She asked him in a calm tone, ignoring his question.

“No one” he muttered.

“She’s pretty.” Sierra responded. Luke was silent. Sierra couldn’t hold herself together much longer. “You were all over her Luke” she whispered.

Something snapped in Luke and he quickly spoke in the most bitter, angry tone he could muster up. “Well that doesn’t really matter now does it? We aren’t together anyways, right? That is what you said isn’t it? He quickly questioned.

She quickly looked up at him, both shocked and frustrated.

“Wow. So that’s why you did this huh? And to think I came here to apologize. But instead of us being able to talk things out like two adults, which is what we are Luke, adults, you decided to turn around and get with some girl to prove some point. What did you think this was gonna fix? Huh? Or do you just act on instinct, deciding the best decision was to find a way to hurt me?” It was Luke’s turn to have his eyes on the cement. It was dead silent. As Sierra looked around, she saw her Uber pull up. “I can’t do this anymore, Lu” She spoke. This time, his nickname sounding sad coming from her mouth.

“Sierra-” Luke quickly said, in a broken tone. She ignored his pleas and stepped into the car, leaving him standing there outside the bar where he had broken her heart.

47 missed calls. All of which Sierra dodged. She spent all day in her house moping around, going over the past 2 days in her head. Part of her wanted to strangle Luke for being so reactive. His instinct when being hurt is to hurt her right back, and honestly it was a huge red flag from the start. But part of her blamed herself. Maybe if she hadn’t created all the confusion and made a huge fuss about labels, things wouldn’t be like this right now. She didn’t mean to, it just kind of happened. Her mind drifted to that day, a mere 48 hours ago.

Luke had done an interview hours before, where he was asked if he was seeing anyone. This was a common question in the interview world, especially for Luke. Usually he’d answer with a quick no and a smile and they’d move on. But he was feeling particularly bold, and good about his current relationship with Sierra.

“Actually um, yeah-yeah I am with someone” He said with a smile on his face. The rest of the band looked at him shocked, but after seeing how happy he was, they were proud of him.

Sierra, however, was unaware of his confession. Her and Luke had yet to discuss putting a label on the little thing they had. His fanbase wasn’t exactly the most welcoming clan when it came to significant others, so Sierra was hesitant to let anyone know. She didn’t want anyone to ruin what they had, and she didn’t want a label to do that either. She thought her and Luke were on the same page, which is why she answered the question she got in her instagram comments with no hesitation.

“Are you seeing anyone right now? Love you by the way!!” The comment read.

Without even a second thought Sierra replied with “Not at the moment, no <3”.

The comment reminded her that she missed Luke, so she went to text him.

Looking back now, his lack of response should have been a red flag. He always replied to her quickly, which was one of her favorite things about him.

Now, 2 days later, she wishes she could go back and change it all. She did nothing wrong and she knew that, but fuck if she didn’t miss him. She missed his dumb jokes, she missed Petunia, she missed the way he’d come out of nowhere and swoop her in the air. She missed dates with him that turned into sleeping with him that turned into waking up with him and spending the day together only to do it all over again.

Sometimes it scared her, how dependent she was on him. On him being around. She knew that feeling was mutual which scared her even more. Sometimes it felt like she couldn’t breathe without him, that’s how much she needed him.

She just missed him. She missed-

“Sierra! Open up, please!” Luke. What the hell is he doing? “Sierra, I’m sorry. I fucked up, I know I fucked up. I just, I was upset and I know it’s not an excuse but its the truth.I shouldn’t have handled things how I did and I just, fuck I’m so sorry Si.” Sierra let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in. A million thoughts clouded her mind but only one remained clear, that she missed him. A lot. She didn’t care about the rest.

She yanked open the door, and they spoke through a quick glance. She stepped to the side, indicating for him to come inside. His tall figure ducked through the doorway and slowly made his way to the living room, plopping down on the sofa. He stumbled a bit, but Sierra assumed it was due to his awkward lankiness.

She sat down next to him, and unlike the night before, she looked him right in the eyes. She looked for any trace of honesty in them. But before she could analyze his eyes, she noticed how unfocused they were. He had been drinking. He glanced down in what appeared to be shame.

Sierra let out a deep sigh, grabbed his hands and brought him upstairs. Silently, she grabbed one of his shirts that she had stolen and hung up, and handed it to him. She went to her linen closet and pulled out blankets and pillows, and began to trudge down the stairs.

“Where are you going?” Luke’s voice spoke quietly. It was then she noticed the slur in his words

“Downstairs, Luke. To sleep. We’ll talk in the morning, when you’re sober.” She spoke calmly, but firmly.

“No don’t. Just-Just come to bed with me. Please.” He pleaded.

As much as she wanted to stand her ground, his face and the grabby hands he made broke her down. She slowly walked towards him and laid down on the bed. She reached over to turn off the lamp and layed back down. She felt a warm hand reach across her waist, pulling her closer to him. Luke let out a sigh of content, and pulled her even closer, if possible.

As his breathing slowed, and he began sleeping, millions of thoughts filled Sierra’s head once again. She didn’t know how to feel at this point. Him being there, holding her, felt so right. But something felt off, wrong even. All she knows is despite how much he hurt her, and how much she knows he will hurt her if things don’t change, she’s so relieved that he’s here. She felt whole again. So while enveloped in his warmth, she fell asleep to his stilled breathing, getting the first good night’s rest she’s gotten in 2 days.

[randomfandomimagine]

Fate Is Sealed. Chapter 2

Fandom: John Wick

Pairing: John x Elizabeth (OC)

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READ IT ON AO3

Warning: Violence and swearing.

The air was hot and heavy as I walked into the garage, contrasting with the cool breeze from outside. I spotted the man I was looking for and walked towards him.

“Hey, Aurelio” I greeted him, causing him to turn around to me.

“Elizabeth!” He grinned at the sight of me, but it vanished when I got closer. “Shit, what happened to you?”

“The usual” I muttered, letting him hold my chin up to analyze the damage.

“Fuck, you look terrible”

“Thanks, now will you forget about it?”

“Want me to get someone for you?”

“Just please, forget about it”

“Fine… What brings you here, love?”

“Watch it” I told him half-jokingly, knowing how much he liked to tease me. “How’s my baby?”

“Well, that bike was pretty fucked up when you brought it” He motioned for me to follow him further into the car garage. “Art takes time”

“It’s not art, it’s a repair” I chuckled, already excited when I saw my motorbike right there. "Besides, it’s not my fault that those dicks rammed into it”

“I think I don’t actually want to know what happened”

“That’s right, you don’t”

“Anyway, I still need more time. You still have the car I lent you, right?”

“Yup”

“That’ll have to do for now”

“Hey, are you busy? I need to talk about something”

“Sure thing” He walked to a small table and invited me to sit down, so I did. “Want something to drink?”

I laughed a little even if his words made me roll my eyes. No matter how many times he asked, he didn’t get tired of his little joke.

“No, Aurelio” I punched him in the arm as he sat down in the seat across from me. “I don’t want a drink”

“So what’s up?”

“I need info”

“About what”

“About… John Wick”

The smirk immediately erased from his lips at the mention of that name. He paused, frowning, and sat up straight in the chair. Then he licked his lips before he spoke again.

“Why?” He eyed me cautiously, with a new darkness in his expression.

“I need to kill him” I cringed at how stupid that sentence sounded.

“Do you have a fucking death wish, Elizabeth?!” Aurelio shouted, nearly standing from his seat in outrage.

“No, I have no choice!” I threw my arms up in the air in exasperation.  

Aurelio vehemently shook his head as he muttered something under his breath. I blankly watched him when he slammed his hand against the table in frustration.

After a brief pause in which he mouthed what clearly were swearwords, he made eye contact with me. He bore a serious expression I hardly ever got to see in them.

“I can tell you about him” He heaved a vexed sigh. “But it’s your funeral…”

“Just… tell me” I gulped, but acquired a calm expression nonetheless. “That’s all I ask”

Aurelio paused to gather his thoughts, dedicating me a grave glance. Like I needed a reminder of how much of a bad idea it was…

“Well, he’s known as the Boogeyman” My friend began, but I held a hand up to shush him.

“Yeah, yeah, I know” I closed my hand into a fist and made a stabbing motion in the air. “And he killed three people in a bar with a fucking pencil, I’m aware”

“That’s right”

“Can’t you tell me something useful?”

“Let me think…” Annoyingly slowly, he tapped a finger against his chin, without a doubt to wind me up. “He’s going to kill you”

I tiredly glared at him, trying to convey how I was not in the mood at all. Aurelio rolled his eyes and crossed his hands over the table.

“Did you hear about his wife?”

“Not really” I had heard a lot of things about John Wick, but they usually belonged to the legend side of him. I knew zero information about the man other than his name.

“She died, like not that long ago” Aurelio sighed once more, this time sadly. “And some Russian brat stole his car and killed his dog”

“I guess that guy is dead now”

“You guess right”

I passed a hand through my hair to hide the shiver that took over my spine just imagining myself in that guy’s shoes. Sneaking a quick glance at the tattoo on the inside of my arm, I reminded myself that if for some miracle I managed to accomplish the deed, people would respect the person who could outwit John Wick. It was all part of my stupid optimistic attitude to try and deceive myself, but still. He was just a man after all.

“You really have to be in some deep shit to even be considering this” Aurelio’s voice got me out of my thoughts.

Honestly, I had no idea what my options were. Live this torture in which Gaige’s goons kept pestering me, try to kill the scariest man I had ever heard of or… I don’t know, fucking change my name and escape to Guatemala.

“Wish I could, Lisa” My friend’s hand suddenly falling on my shoulder made me jump a bit. “But I can’t help you go after him”

“I get it” I sighed, standing up from the chair.

“Good luck, pal” He went to hug me, energetically patting my back.

“Thanks…” I cut the hug short, knowing what his words truly meant.

Before he could say anything else, I turned around to avoid any awkward conversations. I just left the garage with an empty feeling, since my visit was useless.

No one could help me; everyone else would be just as scared to be the possible culprit of John Wick’s demise. Especially since it was likely that my attempt would be unsuccessful and would only earn his contempt and desire for revenge. I wouldn’t root for myself either if I were them.

  The first time I saw John Wick in person was outside the Continental. I watched him for days, trying to learn about his routine, habits and movements. Just anything that would prove useful to bring him down.

Like all the days before that, I was sitting inside the car just outside the hotel. I shook my head and laughed at the absurdity of it all. As soon as he’d sense danger, I would be dead. It would be that fast. My mind went through all the worst case scenarios, imagining all the different tools he could use to neutralize the threat.

I slapped my hands against the steering wheel, trying to remind myself that none of that would happen. Not if I stayed away from him. It was cowardly, but I had a chance from a distance. I had a plan.

There he was. As soon as I spotted him, I hurriedly left the car.

John Wick exited the building, wearing a suit with a black shirt and tie. It matched with my all black outfit, which would hopefully blend into the darkness of the night.

I mentally went through his usual itinerary. He was supposed to go get his car, which he always parked in the proximity of the hotel. Not too close but not too far.

As he passed by, his eyes landed on me as I casually leaned on my car. I froze, but decided to look back at him to avoid arising any suspicion. He didn’t even speak; he only nodded his head at me as a greeting. I reciprocated the gesture, figuring he recognized my face from when I seldom stayed at the lobby to keep an eye on him.

Pretending I was sheltering myself from the cold, I put my hood on and waited for him to continue walking. Once he was far away enough to follow him but not to lose him, I started walking.

I gulped as my boots rhythmically hit the ground. Every step seemed to match up with my heart beat as both paces quickened. As I walked, I rested my hand in the small pouch that tightly wrapped around my thigh. My fingers trembled as they silently opened the bag and landed on the gun.

My eyes never left him as he advanced through an alleyway. I gasped, however, when he turned around and I got a better look at him. His hair was combed back, allowing me a full view of his dark brown eyes. That sight alone chilled me to the bone, recognizing the disappointment, anger and fierceness in them.

Aware of my obvious intentions, he lunged at me. I panicked and took ahold of the gun, wielding it with both hands and pointing it at him. That didn’t stop him at all.

He was a mere two meters away from me already, and I was sure he would kill me as soon as he laid his hands on me. At least I was smart enough to ambush him before he could make it to the car and get his weapons.

A scream got stuck in my throat as I pulled the trigger, causing him to stop dead in his tracks. The tranquilizer dart protruded from his neck, and he lifted his hands to touch it in confusion.

Improvising since I wasn’t supposed to be discovered, I tried to reach out to the actual gun hidden in my belt, covered by the length of the hoodie I was wearing. But John Wick had resumed walking, adamant on unleashing his fury on me.

My brain sent the order to my legs to move, to dodge whatever attack he was going to lead with. But I froze, because John Wick was about to kill me and I was paralyzed.

Time seemed to slow down as he lunged toward me. I noticed the dart stuck in his neck and I was impressed at how he was still standing, considering the huge dose the tranquilizer had. He grunted in anger as he tackled me to the ground, eliciting a groan to escape my lips as my back received the hard impact against the floor.

My instinct kicked in just as his hands wrapped around my throat and he began choking me. Before I could start feeling the lack of oxygen to my lungs, I quickly moved my legs so my thighs wrapped around his neck and squeezed as much as I could.

He grimaced, but didn’t release the pressure around my neck. The edges of my vision were becoming dark, so I shifted my posture to be able to squeeze his neck harder. It still didn’t stop him, and I was starting to feel drowsy from the lack of air.

I analyzed his expression, slightly proud at the fact that his face was turning red from the asphyxiation as well. But the dangerous look in his eyes, dripping unadulterated bloodlust, caused me to avert my gaze.

In a desperate attempt to free myself from his choke hold, I slammed my arm against his wrists. The first time it didn’t work, so I did it repeatedly and he still didn’t budge.

I gasped for breath and squirmed underneath him, but he was relentless. A part of me wanted to try and apologize, like that could somehow quench his desire for vengeance after I had tried to kill him. Him... John Wick.

Just when I thought I was about to pass out and die, his grip softened. I took a deep breath immediately, trying to fill my lungs with oxygen, only to be received with a violent coughing fit instead.

I released him from my own chokehold, allowing him to separate himself from me. My hand flew to my throat, still feeling the ghost of his strong hands as I massaged the sore spot.

John Wick stumbled backwards, clumsily feeling about trying to grasp the dart in his neck until he managed to pull it out. But the damage was done the moment it pierced his skin, and the sedative was now circulating through his body without remedy.

I didn’t move as I still lied there on the ground, breathing heavily and cautiously watching him. He started breathing heavily too, gritting his teeth.

Daring to sit up slightly, I waited to see what he did next. Much to my surprise, John Wick let out a shaky breath as his eyes rolled back into his skull and he collapsed face first onto the ground.

“No way…” I uttered, composing myself and slowly standing to my feet.

My entire body was trembling as I towered over him and stared at his unconscious form for several seconds. He lied face down, completely motionless except for the subtle movement of his breathing.

“Holy shit, I did it!” I breathed out, watching him in awe. Granted, I hadn’t actually finished the job. But I was proud that I had managed to survive an encounter with John Wick.

Now for the hard part.

I was still breathing heavily as I reached out for my handgun. Trying to ignore my arrhythmia, I cocked the gun and pointed it at his head. My index finger shook as it hovered over the trigger. Rolling my shoulders to calm myself, I wielded the weapon with both hands to stabilize my aim.

“Goddammit…” I whispered to myself, breathing heavily. “Come on!”

I could only see one side of his face, yet I was astonished to realize how vulnerable the Boogeyman looked at that moment. So helpless, so defenseless… So unlike him…

No, it would only be one moment. One movement of my finger and it all would be over. But even if the implications of that action instantly made me nauseous.

“I have no choice… I have no choice” I reminded myself, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. “Then why is this so hard?”

I couldn’t stop thinking that John Wick had never done anything to me. Of course, he had attacked me, but it had been in self-defense. Before that, he hadn’t been anything but nice to me. He had been almost friendly and cordial, saying hello to me even though we were strangers. And only because we saw each other every day around the Continental. Little did he know, I had been planning his demise.

“Fuck it” I saved my gun and crouched down to turn him around. His body moved limply as I shoved him on his back.

Firstly lifting my head up to make sure no one was around to witness the scene, I took ahold of his arms and began dragging him. Being a tall and strong man, he was very heavy. I was glad I had meticulously planned for every eventuality and the warehouse wasn’t far from there.

  Once I had settled John Wick in the chair, inside the abandoned warehouse, I took a breather. Leaning forward and patiently waiting until I caught my breath, I looked up at him. It felt like he could open his eyes any minute and jump at me again, like a supposedly dead villain in a bad horror movie.

Deciding to rest later, being it a priority to incapacitate him, I moved to stay behind him. Thoughts kept popping up in my head, telling me that he was faking and would take any opportunity to end me. That he was not unconscious but only buying time to finish what I started.

My heart thumped against my chest as I tied his hands behind his back, tight and secure, and tugged at them for good measure. Then I immediately positioned myself before him, not wanting to be anywhere near his reach.

His head was hanging forward, chin against his chest, and his hair covered his face. Nonetheless, I observed him with curiosity. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that I had managed to capture the Boogeyman, that I was standing right before him.

To distract myself before I could be overwhelmed with emotions again, I pulled out my gun and made sure it was loaded. I shook my head, mentally lecturing myself, at the thought that my backup plan wasn’t the best. How would it help to abduct him if I couldn’t shoot at first?

I had convinced myself that it would be different if he was conscious. And if not, I had plans C and D. Following that conviction, I saved the gun and instead picked up the bucket full of water that was on the ground next to the chair.

Taking a deep breath beforehand, I threw the content of the bucket toward his face. He stirred, heavily lifting his head up and opening his eyes. Then he shook his head to get rid of the wet tufts of dark hair that stuck to his forehead and eyes.

I paused, waiting until he was lucid enough to do anything. He peered at me, brows furrowed for a moment until the recognition appeared on his dark eyes.

“You’re awake” I showed him a fake friendly smile. “Good”

His eyes, intelligent and dangerous, carefully traveled around the warehouse we were in. Then they landed on me, watching me in deep though, before he finally spoke up.

“Why are you doing this?” It was the first time I heard his gruff voice, and it sent a shiver down my spine. “Who are you working for?”

I lifted my chin to appear dignified, holding his piercing stare.

“Someone who has unfinished business with you”

“That could be anybody” He said with a humorless laugh.

I moved my hands to where my gun rested, knowing the sooner I finished this, the better. However, he piped up once more.

“What are you getting out of this, money?”

“I don’t want money”

“Everyone wants money” He spoke tiredly, like the whole situation was nothing but an inconvenience. “Why would you be any different?”

“Whatever you say” I feebly pointed my weapon at him once more.

“I was unconscious” He continued, not even looking at my gun. “Why didn’t you kill me?”

“Stop talking” I slowly said, resting the barrel of the gun against his forehead.

“You had the perfect chance to do it“ His eyes were cold and cunning as he watched me closely. “But I’m still alive”

“I said” I paused, crossing his face with my free fist. “Shut up”

John Wick was unimpressed as he recovered from the punch and reconnected his eyes with mine. The silence was dense as we glared daggers at each other.

“You’re afraid” He said through grit teeth, his rough voice dripping with hostility. “You couldn’t do it”

“You want to fuck around? Fine”

I punched him across the face once more, received with the familiar feeling of the adrenaline taking over. Another punch fell. And then another, and another, and another. My brain could only process the catharsis of the act instead of the brutality of it, or how unnecessary it all was. Or how I was only making him mad. And I couldn’t stop myself because I felt powerful for once.

Before I knew, I was struggling to breathe as I saw the results of my outburst. He was completely battered and his shirt was stained with blood. I had lost control, and there was now murder in John Wick’s eyes as a result.

I took a step back, clutching my fist as my knuckles burned in the aftermath.

“Who the hell are you?” When he spoke again like nothing had happened, his voice showcased sheer hatred. Another shiver ran down my spine.

“That’s… none of your business”

“I disagree. I think it is my business”

“Is that a threat?”

We stared at each other, seizing each other up. Then, all of a sudden, he lunged forward in his chair and screamed at me. Even if he was still tied up, I took a step backward.

His dangerous gaze lingered on me, and I held it even if I was busy putting some order into my thoughts. After a brief pause, I pulled out my knife and pointed it at him.

“I don’t think you’re in a position to be threatening me, John Wick” I rested the edge of the knife against his cheek, but he didn’t bat an eye.

To test him, I moved the blade to his neck and slowly began pressing deeper into his throat. He didn’t falter, nor did he try to back up from the threat.

I sarcastically chuckled, even if my heart skipped a beat when I met with his glance. He wasn’t scared in the slightest, but it didn’t matter if he was or not.

“What are you gonna do to me?” His voice had acquired a new roughness, filled with contempt. “Kill me? You don’t have the guts”

“That’s it” I grunted, positioning myself behind him and angrily grabbing a handful of his hair, yanking his head backward as I put the knife against his neck, cutting him slightly. “Stop. Fucking. Talking”

“Or what?”

“Or” I menacingly whispered in his ear. “You’re gonna be sorry”

“Right” There was a hint of amusement in his voice, and I realized why too late.

Standing behind him I had made a terrible mistake. Proof of that was how his hand, still tied up, took ahold of my knee and sharply twisted it, causing me to scream in pain. I squirmed and kneeled down to try and alleviate the pressure of his grip. He took this to his advantage.

Giving that the knife wasn’t against his throat anymore, he pushed his head backwards until it collided with my nose. Then he stood up on the chair and pushed it against me, making me fall down with the force of the movement.

I promised myself not to freeze this time, frantically going for my gun. By the time I pointed it at him, he had crashed on top of the chair with his full weight. When he stood again, he carelessly unwrapped the loose ropes from his wrists. It fell to the ground along with the pieces of wood that survived from the impact. What a beast!

Feeling the imminent threat, I pulled the trigger before he could come any closer. Because I hadn’t aimed first, it landed on his right shoulder. He didn’t even stop, only wincing and groaning at the shot, and continued his advance to me.

I cocked the gun and prepared to fire again, but he kicked it from my hands. It slid on the ground, away from my reach. My heartbeat acquired a crazed pace as he went to retrieve it.

“Fuck” Feeling too shaky to stand, I shuffled backwards to try and escape.

The sight of John Wick wielding my gun and walking closer to me, pointing the weapon at my face, was the most terrifying thing I had witnessed in my entire life. Pure nightmare fuel.

I shut my eyes and tried to mentally prepare myself for death. I gulped when he deliberately elongated the psychological torture by taking his time shooting.

All I could comprehend at that moment was fear. How my chest was going to jump out of my chest if it didn’t stop beating like crazy. I was shaking so much that my hands against the ground stopped supporting me and my back fell against the ground. There was only one thought in my mind. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to die!

I jolted up, gasping at the following sound. Something falling to the ground. I slowly opened one eye to see the gun there, not too far from me.

Puzzled, I looked up to John Wick. He was towering over me, watching me with so much disdain that I had to look away. None of us moved for what felt like minutes.

My mouth was completely dry. Tears burned in my eyes. My throat hurt.

“W-W-Why?” I managed to ask him, avoiding eye contact and doing my best to breathe.

“Consider it a rare showcase of mercy” He responded. “For not killing me”

I watched him with the corner of my eye. He put a hand against the bullet in his shoulder and turned around. He just left me there, shaking like a leaf, and walked away.

Covering my face with my hands, I sobbed as I reminded myself to breathe. I didn’t have any strength, so I just lied there until I recovered from the traumatic experience.

Tag list: @lea-kenneth, @lookinsidemyhead, @ciccithedreamer, @writerandee, @contanto-que-voce-me-queira, @recentcrib8422, @anita-e-taylor, @elena-mayfair, @fyspidey, @mell-bell, @yes-captainstark, @quentinbecksass, @buckysjuicyplums, @misfvit, @e-lysium, @alluna-naozumi, @alainabooks143, @superbateclipseclod, @angelenemies, @hopeinahotbox, @deaadenn // Let me know if you want to be added to the tagt list so you get notified when I post a new chapter!

[unapologeticallyjaylos]

“Merry Christmas, Darling” - Jay x Carlos

HI ALL! MERRY CHRISTMAS IF YOU CELEBRATE! 

Here’s my secret santa contribution (put together by @descendantssecretsanta) for @stanfouqueen!!!! 

The spiked eggnog tasted pretty good.

Mostly because the liquor contents in Jay’s glass way overpowered the actual holiday drink.

That night, the weather was less “sparkling snowflakes” and more “biting frost”, but he found himself on the front porch anyway, staring out at the neighbors’ Christmas display across the street. The lights blinked and glowed in the frigid darkness. To anyone else, the indoors would’ve seemed incredibly inviting - with the warm lights spilling out of the windows, followed closely by the sounds of laughter and classic Christmas carols playing on that record player someone had gotten during a gift exchange several years ago. Evie’s Annual Christmas Party was in full swing.

Except Jay didn’t feel like laughing or socializing, and how could he listen to Christmas Carols when the same person who gifted Mal that record player was now a hundred miles away doing who knew what?

What would Carlos be doing right now? Jay thought, taking another sip and letting the alcohol warm his insides. He’s probably already decorated one of those strange, lopsided shelf trees that he always picks.

His boyfriend always insisted on picking the one tree no one ever wanted, arguing that it deserved to be dressed up and brought home for Christmas just as much as any of the other perfect trees. (“The misfits were valid too”, he’d always say. “I’m a misfit, and you like me, remember?”)

Oh, Jay remembered alright. Especially now that the correct title for Carlos was technically ex-boyfriend. Even four months after their split, he still caught himself forgetting. This time, he would blame it on the drinks. 

Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked - answered shortly by another dog. The conversation went on for awhile, each dog exchanging a few yips and an occasional howl from behind their separate fences, and Jay wondered how long he’d been sitting out there. So far, no one had come to look for him, which meant that he either hadn’t been gone long or that they were all too drunk to notice. Probably the latter.

Not that he really wanted them to come looking for him. Tonight, he was okay being kind of lonely because his only other option was pretending - and that wasn’t any better. Evie liked to say that Christmas and loneliness really didn’t belong in the same sentence, and maybe she was right. But people grew up. People changed. People got offered different scholarships to different schools and drifted apart.

I bet he’s studying tonight, the nerd, Jay thought before he could stop himself. In years past, he’d told Carlos to put down the books and enjoy life before it flashed before his eyes while he was staring at some derived equations or scientific theories. But this Christmas, Carlos was probably curled up his dorm room bed or somewhere in a corner, cuddling his dog and sipping hot chocolate, while studying the very same subjects he’d helped tutor Jay in not that long ago. And usually, Jay would choose a party over any night spent studying. But right at that moment? He’d choose the second option without a backward glance. It was kind of pathetic what he’d reduced himself to these days.

The noises of the night interrupted his wallowing thoughts once more. A few houses down, a car had honked and now, the sounds of ecstatic greetings and “Merry Christmas” echoed up and down the block. Family or friends come into town, no doubt.  Everyone reuniting and coming together again. Because that’s what happened during the holidays. People came home. People reunited. People understood that their friends and family had looked forward to seeing them over the holidays and would be crushed and disappointed by a simple text to a group chat that exam studies were just too intense and they wouldn’t make it home.

It’s not his fault, a voice in Jay’s head reminded.

Jay really didn’t want to resent Carlos for not wanting to come home for the holidays. All of his texts (however sparingly and usually sent to Mal or Evie) were filled with glowing reports about school and classes and life on campus. He’d been among of the select five percent of the country that were admitted, so Jay figured the place was probably equivalent to heaven or something. Who needed to come home when you had all the world at your fingertips?

“Yo,” came a voice behind him, sounding only slightly tipsy. “Jay, are you done feeling sorry for yourself yet? Uma’s about to open her gift and trust me, you won’t wanna miss it. I got her a stuffed shrimp; she’s gonna fucking strangle me.”

Without turning around, Jay took another sip of his drink. “I’m not feeling sorry for myself.”

“Oh,” Mal snorted. “My bad. I guess I mistook your sad slumped shoulders and sitting outside of a dope party in the dark drinking alone for self pity. Forgive me.”  

“Fuck you.” Jay wasn’t in the mood for her sarcasm.

“Look.” The wooden porch boards creaked under footsteps as Mal walked over and sat down next to him. “I get it. I miss him too. But this is ridiculous, Jay. All your friends are inside. And I’m sorry, but you gotta man up and stop letting him get to you.”

“He’s not getting to me.” Another sip.

“Really?” The purple-haired girl raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Because every time you lie, you take another swig of alcohol, so…”

“Mal, I’m not in the fucking mood for your bullshit!” Jay slammed his fist down on the ground suddenly, but the other girl didn’t even flinch. In fact, she looked as though she might be grinning in the dim light.

“Yeah, at least get mad,” she laughed. “Getting mad is at least less pitiful than downing glass after glass of - what is that? spiked eggnog? - and moping around.”

“He didn’t come home,” Jay spat. “He didn’t come home! That’s that! So why would I go inside, huh? What’s the point of going inside, Mal, tell me. I already poured two drinks today out of habit, thinking I was getting one for him, but no. He’s a million miles away changing the world or whatever.”

“Let me guess?” Mal folded her arms. “You drank his glass, too?”

“Can you listen and be helpful for like five seconds?” Jay asked angrily. “Do you really have to be a snarky, sarcastic bitch every second of your life?”

“Always have, always will be.” Despite her answer, Mal stared at him closer. “If you miss him so much, why don’t you just call him? It’s not like you two ended badly.”

“I’m not gonna call him.” Jay shook his head, even though it was something he’d nearly done quite a few times. “It’s just pathetic. He hasn’t called me.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Mal groaned. “You really think Carlos de Vil is gonna pick up the phone and call you first? The kid who would rather run himself into the ground rather than ask for help?”

“Yeah, well, that’s his loss then.”

“You guys didn’t leave it on these terms, if I recall,” Mal prodded, taking Jay’s glass and stealing a sip. He didn’t really care. “You said you still liked each other, but with both of you at separate colleges, you thought it best that you have some freedom -”

“ - to explore other options, yeah, got it, thanks, Mal,” Jay finished with an angry exhale. “We didn’t want to rush into anything, make anything to serious, especially long distance.”

“You could’ve gone with him,” Mal reminded helpfully, (even though Jay didn’t find it helpful at all). It was something that kept him up at night these days. “He asked you several times. What? Do you think you chose wrong?”

“They weren’t offering me a tourney scholarship to any of the colleges up there,” Jay shrugged. “He got a full-ride to the best university in the world. And I’m stuck here.”

“Oh, please,” Mal snorted. “You’re going to a fine school with a pretty good tourney program. The only reason you’re not over-the-moon is because he’s not here.”

“I didn’t ask you to analyze my damn life.” The words came out bitter and colder than the night air.

“Well, you don’t usually sit around and drink a huge glass of self pity, so sue me,” the girl shot back. “Look, I understand, you feel like being bitchy. Don’t let me stop you.”

“Wasn’t gonna.”

A thick silence fell between them. Jay knew it wasn’t fair to lash out at Mal, but he also didn’t really care. He knew she’d understand; he’d helped her through countless breakups where the roles were definitely reversed.

“Last year, the Jay I knew wasn’t afraid of anything.”

And Jay positively growled. “Why are you out here? Last time I checked, the party was in there!”

“Because I happen to care about you, asshole.” Mal shook her head. “And I wanted to warn you that Uma is giving everyone pictures of their exes for Christmas, so… maybe don’t open her gift for awhile.”

“Great.” If Jay hadn’t been recently singled, he would’ve probably found the whole thing hilarious. Actually, if he’d been recently singled by anyone but Carlos he would’ve thought it funny. Usually break-ups didn’t hit him anywhere near this hard. “Is it least a good picture of him?”

“I swear to fucking -forget I said anything!”

They sat on the steps for awhile longer. Jay figured that at this point, Carlos had probably gone to bed. Or maybe he was up watching those cheesy Christmas movies on the hallmark channel. Maybe he was wearing those horrible striped pajamas that Harry had gotten everyone a few years back that everyone had somehow “lost” except the white-haired boy.

After awhile, Jay let out a long exhale, a puff of white breath trailing out into the freezing air.  “I think I’m gonna head out,” he sighed.

“You aren’t driving home, are you?” Mal eyed the empty glass on the step beside them.”

“Nah.” Jay shook his head. “I’ll walk. Pick up my car tomorrow. As shitty as this night has been, I would rather like to stay alive, you know?”

“Mmm, that’s a relief,” she replied dryly. “Listen, Jay -” Her face scrunched a little. “I know feelings aren’t really my jam, but I’m pretty sure you can’t just drink them away. And I don't want to see you try. Either call him or move on. Got it? Try and go on some other dates. Meet some other people. Like you both promised that you would.”

“Yeah.” He spun one of his rings around for a moment. “I know. We said that we didn’t want to bog each other down doing the whole long distance thing.” He stood up, helping Mal to her feet. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Merry Christmas,” Mal offered with only a hint of a sarcastic smile.

“Yeah, merry. That’s exactly how I would describe this night.”

“Get home quickly. It’ll get better. You’ll see,” she called. And although he detected something underneath those words, Jay couldn’t quite figure it out.  

///

The walk home was better, he supposed.

Jay hated sitting still, even for short periods of time. And his muscles were shouting in protest after being frozen for all that time on the porch. The sleet fell sideways, glowing in the patches of light cast by the street lamps along the way, but now the he was physically moving again, he didn’t mind so much. And his apartment wasn’t far, so Jay would’ve gone so far as to say that he relished the walk.

Maybe I should’ve stayed a little longer at the party, he thought, now that he wasn’t so sluggish. He could’ve at least thanked Evie and apologized for being such a mess. But then he remembered what Mal had said about Uma’s very-funny gift, and decided he didn’t need to open up a picture of Carlos de Fucking Vil tonight.

Climbing the stairs to his apartment building was an ambitious feat, something he only realized about halfway up when he nearly lost his balance. Maybe he’d had a bit more to drink than he’d thought. Luckily, he managed to make it the rest of the way up unharmed. At least physically.

As he started down the hallway on his floor, his phone buzzed. Glancing down, Jay saw it was from Evie.

Heard you were finally heading out. Good choice :) Try and look up. Things will get better; I have a good feeling. Merry Christmas! Love you!

Evie made it all sound so easy, and for a moment, he almost believed her. That things would get better. She had that effect on people.

You and Carlos made the right choice, that voice protested. You both said that you were just gonna let the other one live a little. Go explore. Not be tied down. Is that so bad?

Jay’s fingers were so cold that nearly fumbled his keys, but after a moment of uncertainty, he got them back under control. Pushing on the door that always got a little bit stuck, he stepped into the apartment. The place wasn’t large by any stretch of the imagination, but it could pretty easily house two people. Even if it was only home to one now.

The lights were already on, and he kicked himself inwardly. Electricity bills were high enough without paying to light an empty apartment. And now that he glanced around, he could see several things that, not too long ago, a certain freckled someone would’ve kicked his ass over. The living room lamps were on, the Christmas lights had been left lit, and he still had clothes all over the couch. Although, the kitchen looked a lot cleaner than he remembered leaving it (Jay was like ninety percent sure that he’d left last night’s takeout cartons on the counter), so apparently his sober self had been sporadic in his preparations to leave.

“Fuck,” Jay muttered under his breath. “My bill is gonna be through the roof.”

“Not really,” came a voice. “I only got in a half hour ago. I turned everything on. You know, darkness isn’t really my thing.”

The voice sent a sharp stab of something down to his very core. Sometimes his drunk brain hated him. “Oh really?” he asked the voice. “From where, huh?”

“The airport, idiot.”

Shrugging off his coat, Jay huffed. “Alright, drunk me. You feel like making this night worse? Got it.”

“If you’d just turn around,” the voice insisted. “I think you’d realize that it's got nothing to do with alcohol.”

Standing in the hallway, leaning casually against the wall, was Carlos. Or something that looked like him anyway.

“I must've had way more than I thought.” Jay rubbed his forehead, blinking several times. “Maybe I should've taken a cab. All that walking and those stairs…”

“I'm not denying that you were drinking,” Carlos shrugged. “But I'm not a hallucination, dude.”

Suddenly, there was a pattering of claws on hardwood floor as a dog launched himself at Jay.

“Dude!” Carlos whistled. “You're gonna knock him over. Come here, boy.”

“Wait…” Jay stared at Dude, who was now rushing back to Carlos’ side. “Oh my God…”

“Hi.” Carlos looked a little more apprehensive now, shifting from foot to foot.

“How… where did you come from….” The taller boy held his forehead, wishing he could get a grip. He still wasn't entirely convinced that this wasn't all a cruel dream.

“I still have my key.” Carlos gave him a little smile, but it was quickly replaced by a frown. “And - uh - maybe I shouldn't have just let myself in - maybe that was wrong… I'm not sure….”

“You're really here…” Jay felt his knees weaken a little. “This isn't a dream?”

“No…” Carlos gave him a nervous glance-over. “Evie said that she didn't know if you’d take this well. I can leave if you want. I know we haven't spoken in… well, awhile...”

“Wait…” Jay’s mind raced to keep up with his words. “Evie? She knew?”

“Yeah.” Carlos looked down. “She actually helped me pay for the ticket. Money is tight. Even with the scholarship.”

Jay shook his head again, still trying to wrap her mind around it all. “So she knew? She brought you here? Why didn't she tell me?”

“She didn't know if you'd want to see me,” Carlos shrugged. “I mean… usually seeing your ex isn't what you want for Christmas.”

The word “ex” cut into his heart like a knife. A new kind of dread started replacing his initial surprise. “Yeah, so, um… you seeing anyone new?” He tried to keep his voice level. Carlos had the right to see other guys. “Because… I am. Um, yeah, I totally am. So don't worry about it.”

Carlos stared at him, an eyebrow raised. “Evie didn't mention that. In fact, she - she told me that you hadn't gone out since we…” His shoulders fell some. “Look, this was a mistake, I'm sorry, I didn't know. I told her that you would've moved on. I'll get out of your hair. I'm really sorry, Jay, I am.”

Cursing himself, Jay bit his lip so hard that it bled. Damn his fucking pride. Damn his stupid ego and everything that came with it. Why couldn’t he just look Carlos in the eye and tell him that he missed him? That he was really glad to see him? Finally, after a moment of throat clearing and coughing, he spoke up. “No, Carlos, stop.”

“Why?” The freckled boy continued to gather his stuff. “So I can hear all about your new love life? Jay, Evie didn’t tell me you’d started dating again. I dunno, I figured you were hadn’t like me - uh - and - I can’t stay here now.”

“She was right, ‘Los.” Jay ignored the dizzy feeling the words gave him, and pressed on. “Evie was right.”

Carlos paused for a moment, looking up. “Huh?”

“Evie.” Jay shook his head. “She was right. I'm not - seeing anyone.”

“You're not?”

“No.” Running a hand through his hair, the taller boy sighed. “I'm not. Mal’s been hounding me about it, though. It's been tough without you. Things aren't the same, you know? Like tonight, Uma got everyone pictures of their exes for our gift exchange, and I'm still not used to describing you like that.”

Carlos studied him. “Was it at least a good picture of me?”

A tiny, sad smile threatened to emerge on Jay’s face. “Dunno. I didn't stick around to open it. Mal insisted I go home  - wait, did she know, too?”

“Yeah.” Carlos looked a little sheepish now.

“The little bitch,” Jay realized. “She spent half an hour tonight trying to rile me up about you.”

“Surprise.” Carlos raised his arms half-heartedly. “So… you don't want me to go?”

Inhaling deeply, Jay forced himself to ignore his pride and ego and everything else that would just lead to another huge night of regret. “No. I - I would like you to stay. Here.”

“Mmm, don't hurt yourself.” Carlos glanced up at him. “You don't have to say yes.”

“I want to, though.” Jay took a moment to probe the metallic cut inside his mouth from earlier. “Like I said… things aren't the same without you.”

“Okay.” Carlos let out his breath, relaxing some. “Good. I'd feel badly if I made tonight worse.”

“If anything, you made it better,” Jay promised, sitting down on the couch. “Come sit down for at least a little bit. I want to hear everything that’s been missing from those texts you never send me.”

“Yeah… sorry about that,” his ex-boyfriend sighed. “I just never knew what to say to you. Everything I wanted to say would've gone back on our deal of giving the other space.”

“And here I was thinking you just forgot about me.” Jay pushed some of his clothes from the couch cushions to the floor. “Sorry the place is such a mess. I would've cleaned up if I’d known you were coming home - back. If I'd known you were coming back.”

“It's okay.” Carlos pointed to the takeout cartons on the counter. “I may have finished off the Chinese takeout you left on the counter. Sorry about that. But I also cleaned up the kitchen, so, maybe that makes up for it.”

“You've been here about five minutes, de Vil,” Jay said with a shake of his head. “You didn't need to clean up.”

“It was giving me anxiety.” Carlos folded his arms. “You're still a slob, you know.”

“Maybe I've forgotten,” Jay joked a little. “How can I remember that if you're not around to remind me?” The comment came out a little sadder than he had hoped. He definitely didn’t want Carlos to think that he was anything other than happy these days. “So, how’s school?”

“Great.” The other boy gave him a thin smile. “Really great. I mean, I like all my classes and everyone is really focused and driven.”

“Like you?”

Carlos shrugged, laughing softly. “I dunno, there are some really smart people, Jay. Like so smart. It would blow your mind what they’d all accomplished. This one kid in my hall created a software system that’s standard now for most professional computers.”

“And you can hack into that software with like ten clicks,” Jay pointed out. “He’s not so cool.”

A faint pink spread across Carlos’ freckled-splashed cheeks. “I like that you can do that.”

“Do what?” Jay had no idea what he meant, but he did know that he liked making Carlos’ blush. It was something he’d missed most.

“Make me feel special,” the other boy laughed. “Sometimes… it’s hard to feel special at that school.”

“Bullshit.” The older boy gave him a gentle shove. “You’re way cooler than any of the kids there. Hands down. And I bet their eyeliner isn’t half as straight as yours.”

“Maybe.” Carlos shook his head. “Tell me about your classes here. How are the girls? Is it nice to still go to the same school?”

“Yeah.” Jay didn’t add that it would be better if their threesome were a foursome on campus, but he probably didn’t need to. Carlos could usually understand what he meant. “I mean, Evie’s got orders coming in left and right. Mal’s doing her whole art gig, and I guess that’s great, especially when you have a successful business woman as a girlfriend. We’re all just, you know, living life.”

“You didn’t tell me about you,” pushed the freckled boy. “How are you doing? How’s tourney? It sucked that you guys lost last week, but you lead the team in goals, don’t you?”

Carlos was spot on with the stats, but the fact that he knew them at all surprised Jay. “Wait, how did you know all that?”

“Oh, um, people talk. I guess.”

Jay raised an eyebrow. “About an average university all the way across the country?”

“Not buying it?” Carlos shook his head. “Uh, I may have caught some of the games on TV. And looked up the stats. And followed your team’s Twitter. Does that count as stalking? I just wanted to see how you guys were doing.”

The taller boy hoped his surprise (and delight) didn’t show. “Oh, yeah, that’s cool. Really. Understandable. Totally.”

“It’s really weird,” laughed Carlos softly. “Sorry.”

“No, no,” insisted Jay. “I’m glad you’re still keeping up with the stuff around here.”

“Well…” the other boy shifted some. “I didn’t really care about the other players. Mostly just… you.”

Now Jay knew that his surprise showed. He hadn’t expected such an bold (or emotional) statement from Carlos. “Oh. Um… that’s cool.”

Carlos blushed again, but this time, he looked a more embarrassed. Maybe even humiliated. Clearly that hadn’t been the reaction he’d been hoping for. Once again, Jay had to kick himself.

Let those walls down, he heard a voice say. This time, the voice sounded a lot like Evie, strangely enough. Jay, you spend so much time hiding yourself and your feelings. It’s okay to tell him how you feel.

But Jay didn’t do feelings or emotions, much less talking about feelings and emotions. Mal understood. She hated sappy shit, too. But this was Carlos. If he didn’t say something soon, it might really be too late. Even now, the freckled boy was drawing back, distancing himself, putting his own armor back on.

“Hey, um, Pup?”

“Yes?” Carlos perked up a little at the nickname, but he still didn’t smile.

Jay scratched the back of his neck, sighing. “Uh… I, look, when I said… that things were tough here. I meant it. I’m… not doing too hot.”

“Really?” Carlos tilted his head slightly. “Jay, you don’t have to -”

“No!” It came out kind of loud. “I mean… no. Don’t try and apologize or let me duck out of this. Because I really sort of miss you, and I’m really glad to see you, and I don’t want you to think anything else.” He let out a breathe, that dizzy feeling coming back.

“You miss me?” The smaller boy’s voice definitely sounded hopeful.

“Just like every fucking second of my day.” Jay cracked his knuckles nervously. “I mean, I wanted to be alright, ‘Los, I did. I really tried to go out with other people.”

“How many dates?”

“Well, strictly speaking… none.”

“Wow, you really did try.” Carlos gave him a soft punch to the shoulder.

“Shut up.” Jay felt some of the tension in his chest dislodge. This was Carlos. The same Carlos who sat in the bathroom on the cold tile with Jay after one of them had a mental breakdown. The same Carlos who helped him get his first A. The same Carlos who slapped him on the ass when he changed, or set his alarm twenty minutes later to let Jay sleep after big games.

“So…” Carlos fidgeting with his hands. “This whole breaking up for the better thing hasn’t really gone the way either of us planned, huh?”

“You could say that.”

“So… what now?” Carlos looked around the messy apartment.

“Why did you come home?” The question came out of the blue, and Jay was powerless to stop it from reaching his tongue. “Uh, I mean, back? Why did you come back? I mean… you could’ve said no. Easily. It wasn’t a stretch or -”

“I came home because I wanted to see you.” His ex-boyfriend stared right at him. “Maybe I did wanna sus out how you’d been and… if we’d made a mistake.”

“Mistake.” Jay heard himself echo the word, and felt himself leaning closer. “Yeah, mistake.”

“Maybe…” Carlos said softly. “Maybe we should reevaluate? I think -” but he was cut off by Jay’s lips before he had a chance to finish. Not that he needed to. Jay understood.

He understood completely.

And later that night, when they threw a blanket over themselves and the (sufficiently tousled couch cushions), when Jay had his face pressed into Carlos’ familiar curls, drinking in their familiar smell and feel, the latter started to laugh.

“God, I missed you.”

“Merry Christmas, de Vil.”

“Would you use the word merry?” Carlos jabbed him a little. “I might use a different word to describe what just hap -”

“Shut up. Don’t ruin it.” Jay’s eyes drifted shut, but before he gave into sleep, he had to say one last thing. “Hey, ‘Los?”

“Yeah?”

“When you go back to school…” Jay paused, wondering why the words didn’t seem to want to come.

“I’ll be wearing my boyfriend’s jersey,” Carlos mumbled, sounding sleepy, happy, sated.

“Boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend.”

[spycethra]

Title: Unseen

Pairing: Gavin Reed x RK-900

Relationship Level: Secretly Dating

Rating: Fluff

Summary: Gavin meets an old colleague at a crime scene and they jokingly flirt with one another. Starting RK-900 Jealousy Timer in 3... 2...  

The serial murders occurring at the lakeside were starting to become a rather huge pain in the ass for the detective as he warily eyed his near-empty gas tank.

“I told you that we should have refilled at the gas station several miles back,” RK-900 scolded, already noticing the stress indicators littered across Gavin’s shoulders, neck, and back, “Now we will have to consult one of the other officers to see if they might be able to assist us.”

His partner’s gloved fingers curled tighter over the steering wheel, the leather scrunching threateningly as he did so.

“Just keep at it, Nines,” Gavin warned with a scowl though keeping his eyes on the road, “I might consider finding myself a new partner.”

“Hmph. Go ahead,” Richard responded coolly which caused the other a spike of alarm, “If you prefer a downgrade.”

The android took victory in hearing Gavin laugh through his nose, trying hard to keep his lips in a tight look of sternness but to no avail. He watched his partner quickly shake his head as the short breathy laugh came out anyway.

“You’re such a dick.”

“You wound me, Detective. I only speak the truth.”

“Uh huh.”    

The car rumbled against the snow covered path before inevitably hitting their destination. Four squad cars including an ambulance and a firetruck had all appeared at the scene. He slowed the vehicle to a crawl, parking near enough not to draw any attention. He really wasn’t in the mood to chat.  

Gavin sighed at the sight of all the sorry folks stuck out in the freezing cold at three in the morning thanks to a damn wannabe Zodiac killer that couldn’t hold off calling 911 at a more reasonable hour. Dark circles had already found their way beneath his eyes and no amount of caffeine was going to wash away the annoyance of examining yet another dead android.

“Are you ready, Reed?” RK-900 inquired, obviously noting his partner’s grim hesitance.

There was no question that the other was exhausted with these serial murders. They kept happening like clockwork on a Thursday night where the drop point was always just around the shoreline of St. Clair Lake.

The detective pressed his forehead deeply into the steering wheel while begging some higher power to provide him with the strength not to tear into some unlucky intern on account of his worn down state.

“I sense that you’re pushing yourself beyond your limits, Reed. Perhaps I could examine the crime scene while you take a brief rest in the car,” offered RK-900 gently yet he should have known better.

His human absolutely hated to be coddled… except when the situation demanded for it.   

“Shut up! I’m going! I’m going…” Gavin insisted angrily as he hit the steering wheel, causing the horn to accidentally go off.

He sat in silence while slowly closing his eyes. His aggravation seemed to rise with every tap of his fingers as he drummed them hatefully against the steering wheel. RK-900 merely sat idle, awaiting for his partner to calm down. Eventually Gavin would see reason.

He usually did, anyway.

But not right now, as with a deep breath, Gavin forced himself out of the car and into the cruel winter night that surrounded them.

Richard was quick to march to his side as his partner stumbled a bit in the snow during their walk towards the crime scene now illuminated by a slew of Nomad LED floodlights. Tarps were set up to cover the majority of the area to prevent any falling snow from burying any potential evidence.

“Got any Thirium 310 on scene, Rich?”

A tension filled the android’s chest at the sight of the calamity. First there was the horribly twisted body of the victim… but then there was what appeared to be a brutal draining of the deceased android’s blood. The culprit smeared it beneath the victim… like paint.

RK-900’s eyes narrowed.

“More than just a single android could hold…” he informed his partner, who dramatically hung in his head in reply as the snow billowed around them, “It was mixed with that of several other units…”

“...Fuck. Can you analyze any of it?”

“The thirium is compromised, Reed. I cannot.”

Richard stood calmly while his partner suddenly whirled around, violently kicking at a mound of snow just behind them.

“Fuuuuck!” he yelled in frustration to which everyone else was wise not to look up - at least not for too long - as the detective threw his expected conniption fit, “Fuck! Fucking fu-!”

“Well, if it isn’t fucking Gavin Reed!” came a thrilled shout just behind them.

The shorter man heatedly turned to see a silhouette of someone he hadn’t seen in months. She stepped forward with caramel hair wound tight in a low bun with a single green eye catching the detective in her sights while the other remained enshrouded in a decorative eye patch of engraved metal. Her white scrubs nearly blended her away into the snow blanketed shoreline, but her shivering frame was still a dead give away.

She bestowed the detective with a smile that spoke countless levels of mischief. Hugging her arms around herself, she gave him a proud chin lift in greeting.  

“Decanterrrr! And here I thought you went through with murdering everyone at the third precinct,” Gavin joked back with a softness that had RK-900 actually turning his head in amazement as his partner’s body language altered immediately, “What happened?”

Watching Gavin stuffing his hands into his coat pockets while seeming to fluff himself outwards more to seem bigger, RK-900 had no idea what was happening. Especially not when Gavin started to approach the female with a swagger typically reserved for the android. The sight made something in Richard’s biocomponents burn with something unseemly.

“Is she a criminal, Reed?” Richard interjected quickly while compiling an entire archive consisting of Dr. Decanter’s medical records, criminal history, social networking activity, occupational history, and educational background.

“Huh? What?” Gavin replied, turning to him as though surprised he was even there.

“I asked… if she is a criminal,” RK-900 repeated coldly, though not entirely sure why.  

Decanter eyed them both - though mostly the RK unit - with solid apprehension which the detective was quick to try and dissolve.

“Oh, yeah. I mean with curves like that and still single, I would presume so. Am I right?” Gavin teased with a grin her way before noting a frightening tension at his side.

Slowly his grey eyes traveled back to the silently seething android. To the untrained eye, anyone would think RK-900 was just standing there but not to Gavin… Richard looked ready to tear something apart.

It was all in the way his jaw would twitch just at the left corner. Just the left. If both moved, Gavin was still safe. ...But he felt too afraid to bother checking the other side and chose to just assume the worst.

He must just be dying to check the crime scene… The detective thought warily before shooting his old colleague a look of apology before staring back at his partner with a sigh.

“You and I both know you don’t have to ask me that. I bet you already scanned her, so you tell me.”

“...She’s... clean,” Richard answered gruffly, oddly disappointed that she didn’t even have anything as insignificant as a parking ticket.   

In fact… she was perfect. Highest grades. Summa cum laude. Impeccable case file record. The more he dared to delve into this Decanter’s life, the more Richard felt inclined to just forcefully drag his partner back to the car - abandoning the investigation.

It was a first for him… and completely unreasonable.

And very unlike him.

“Still hitting the gym, Gav?” the medical examiner asked cheerfully while nodding her head in the direction of the roped off area, proceeding making her way there.

Gav?

Richard bristled at the casual use of a nickname that he never even knew about.

He never had the chance to shorten Gavin’s first name before… Much less was even presented the privilege to.

“You bet your sweet ass,” Gavin replied cockily with a smirk as he followed her to the first body, leaving the RK unit behind as though he had come alone.

It felt almost deviant how repulsively entranced the detective became around this measly medical examiner. Gavin was completely relaxed compared to how he was just moments ago in the car. The android’s eyes narrowed while his face darkened considerably despite the blinding illumination surrounding him.

“What about you? How’s pilates been treating you?” Gavin asked her while kneeling down beside her to inspect the mangled android beneath the blue tarp.

RK-900 withheld the urge to join them, somehow feeling that doing so would feel like… an intrusion. He turned his head away from them yet his peripherals refused to let up as he heightened his hearing just to eavesdrop on them.  

“Oh shut uuup. You were right about that nonsense,” she admitted with a roll of her eyes as Gavin jokingly feigned a look of complete surprise, “Oh stop. You knew it would bore the hell out of me the entire time, didn’t you?”

“Well, I did warn you. But what have you been doing? Because those cheeks...” Gavin eyed her rear end playfully, allowing her mind to imagine the rest as he gave her a suggestive wink.

Her delighted laughter stung at the auditory receptors belonging to the eavesdropping investigator. It worsened as he heard Gavin laughing with her. The two leaned in, bumping into one another jokingly in an attempt to knock the other over.

Why am I even here?

Richard stilled as the sudden thought startled his natural processing. He turned his head to the duo again, watching them with their innocent smiles and weightless laughter despite being at a gruesome crime scene.

“Did you even get any stronger?”

“Pfft! Of course, I did. I could bench lift you if I felt like it."   

“Yeah right. Let me see.”

Without the slightest hesitation, Gavin outstretched his arm for her, curling it for her to exam the bicep through his coat.

“Mmmm. I can’t see anything. Guess it isn’t real.”

“Oh shut up and feel it already.”

It felt like slow motion for the android as he witnessed her hands getting ever so closer to his human’s bicep before finally squeezing for the truth. His insides felt as if the wiring tangled itself into unforgiving knots as a vile coldness swelled within him. One moment he felt ablaze with an energy without reason and the next he found himself in a void of nothingness.

It was almost as if his cognitive software couldn’t simply pick one method of misery for him to endure.

“Okay, okay! So you might have become a tee tad stronger than when I last saw you.”

“Damn straight. I’ve been really working on these babies sinc-Mmf!” A frozen hand clamped over the lower half of his face, sending jolts of confused sensations through his body as he was dragged roughly away from the examiner’s touch.

“Mmmnnngh!!”

“Hush now, Detective. You’re frightening your... colleague,” Richard remarked so frigidly that it could make an ice cube shiver.

Decanter’s eyes went wide seeing the oxen strength the android possessed, having scooped Gavin up as though he were just an oversized prize at a county fair. Only… people didn’t normally stifle any and all protest from the prize’s mouth. Nor did the prize wriggle and writhe against their owner in fussy dissent.

But that air of sudden superiority and determined success that exuded from the RK-900’s perfectly tempered expression were definitely part of it.

“I don’t apologize for the intrusion. In case you were wondering, doctor,” asserted the android frostily.

Her eyes drifted to Gavin still kicking in midair, his boots barely scraping the snow. It was then that she recognized that RK-900’s hand wasn’t wearing its skin.

“You see this,” Richard raised his struggling human just a little higher for emphasis, making sure to make his point burn like dry ice into her retinas, “This belongs to me.”

AN: Fun stuff, fun stuff. @judas-had-a-crown , I hope you enjoyed this drabble. XD It was fun to write though I felt so bad for RK-900. But in all fairness, Gavin wasn’t serious in his flirting. I promise. It’s mostly joking around. 

I mean, she’s wearing those big ol’ white SCRUBS. XD He can’t see anything physical about her anyway. So there you go in case it felt like Reed was cheating or something. He really wasn’t. He just expected RK-900 to get tunnel vision and start licking things - since that’s what he usually does.  

[imladris-soldier]

Lashes (pt 3)

Bill Williamson is a racist asshole. Everyone knows it. They just punch him and go on about their day. When a Lakota woman joins the gang, everyone expects things to go on as normal, slurs and all, and for a time, it does. But her curiosity gets the better of her, and she finds that hatred is something learned - which means it can be unlearned, if given time, care, and patience. And she has plenty of those… the first two, anyway.

Bill Williamson x OC

Part 1, Part 2

Another couple of weeks passed, and Star fell back into her usual routine, though she kept an eye on Bill. He seemed to be avoiding her, and she couldn't blame him. He had shown a great deal of vulnerability to her that night, and he probably needed to recover from that, so she maintained a respectful distance, mostly just waiting to see what would happen.

Charles told her it was a lost cause – that Bill would never see past his small-mindedness. She knew that was a possibility, but something about him didn't feel that black and white. Her instinct about him was to protect him, and that was baffling considering everything.

One thing she did notice was that every single person in the camp seemed willing to make Bill the butt of their joke. All of them. And he took it. He either laughed it off, unconvincingly, or brushed it off and went on. That was troubling, but telling.

The next big event for the gang was the return of Sean MacGuire. Star had no idea what to expect when Arthur, Javier, and Charles rode off to rescue the Irishman, but somehow, when they showed up with him in tow, it all just fit. Sean was loud, boisterous, and funny. Not to mention a huge flirt.

“Who is this beauty?!” he cried when he first laid eyes on Star. “Is this who ye replaced me with? Hell, I'll turn around and go.”

She laughed and shook his hand. “Call me Star. I take it you're Sean.”

“Aye, that's me. Good ole Sean MacGuire, back and ready to rumble.”

“I hope captivity didn't take too much of a toll.”

“Nah. I'm alright. Knew these boys would come for me sooner or later. Didn't know they'd have a present for me when I got back though,” he said with a wink.

Star rolled her eyes. “Easy, pretty boy. You aren't my type.”

He pouted. “No? Then what is?”

It was easy enough to brush him off, especially since Karen's arms were waiting for him anyway. When Dutch announced a night of celebration, Star fond herself both intrigued and perturbed. Parties were not her forte, and yet they offered excellent opportunities for people watching – which is exactly what she did.

As the camp erupted into music and laughter, Star took a bottle of beer with her to a secluded little log and sat watching everyone. It was more fun for her that way, and she learned things about her companions as a bonus.

Of course, as alcohol began to flow, people grew less willing to let her linger in the shadows. They pulled her into conversations, hooked her into the punchlines of jokes she didn't hear the beginning of, and mostly just insisted on including her. It made her heart feel very full. Boy, did she love this gang.

As the night wore on, Star drank more and more, not really realizing how much she was imbibing. She wandered over to one of the fires where Hosea, Lenny, Pearson, John, and Bill had gathered. As she arrived, Bill began to speak.

“You know, when I was in the army, fellers would spend all night talkin' about what they were gonna do the second they left the army. All kinds of things. Like 'I'm gonna go off and be a cook.' Or 'I'm gonna go out and find me a wife.' Hell, someone was like 'I'm gonna go and dance with the finest whore in San Francisco.' Some shit like that. You know how fellers is,” he chuckled.

Then, after a pause, he went on. “But, you know what every one of them did the second they left the army? JOINED THE GOD DAMN ARMY AGAIN. Jesus Christ! I mean, here is a group of fellers that spent every wakin' minute just dreamin' of leaving. And... and then they left. And then they jumped back in again! Stupid! You know what? That taught me somethin'... and-and-and it taught me somethin' I'll never forget. And that is that most fellers are sheep. That's right. And if you can tell the difference... be-between a man and-and.... and a sheep, well.... that makes you a better man than me. And that's all I'm sayin'. Mark my words. All a'ya.”

He trailed off into silence for a moment before finishing with, “Stupid army.”

Star stood there, vision a little too fuzzy and thoughts a little too blurry, and then she blurted, “Fuck the army. Army k-killed everyone... everyone I had. Tied me to a post. Treated me like a god damn animal. Woulda raped me. Probably killed me. Certainly starved me.”

All of the men's gazes had come to rest on her, and she very abruptly felt shy about speaking in front of them, so she murmured, “Stupid army.”

There was a lull, then Bill pointed at her and cried, “See! Motherfuckin' army.”

“Didn't nobody doubt ya, Bill,” Hosea pointed out, smiling a bit.

“Tha's... tha's not true, though,” Star, stammered, unable to realize the ramifications of what she was about to say. “All of yous doubt him. You... you make fun of him. You call him dumb and say he isn't smart enough to know things. I seen you. All a you. And that ain't right. You... you shouldn't treat him like that.”

The silence that greeted her was deafening. It took her brain a moment to catch up with her mouth, and when she realized what she said, her hand clapped over her lips and her eyes went wide.

John was the first to speak. “Gee, Star, tell us what you really think.”

“I... I didn't mean...”

“You know, maybe she has a point,” Hosea chimed in quietly. “We do tend to give Bill a hard time. Maybe more than we should. Guess that's somethin' we oughta work on.”

“So... you're not mad at me?”

“For speaking your mind? No, dear girl. Though, it might have come across better if you weren't quite so drunk. Still, you make a good point. Somethin' to think about.”

The rest of the group fell back into easy conversation after that, but Star couldn't shake the awkwardness, so she wandered off. A few moments later, a hand grabbed hers roughly and pulled her into the trees. “What the hell?” she slurred, trying to shake her hand away. “Let go.”

“Why'd you have to go and say a thing like that?” Bill mumbled, refusing to let go of her.

“Well... 'cuz it's true. They laugh at you all the time, and they shouldn't.”

“That's... that's just the way it is around here!” he snapped.

She frowned and stopped trying to reclaim her hand. “Just because that's how it is doesn't mean that that's how it should be, Bill. Like... like how you shouldn't say the shit you say... but you do.”

His eyes lingered on their hands. “Yeah.”

“You... you're so mean. To me and Javier and Charles and Lenny. Why are you so mean? We... I... just wanna be your friend. Unless you don't want any friends. But I like you, and I want you to be happy, though I can't figure out why – oop!”

Drunken kisses inevitably turn out worse than either party would have hoped, but it was still a kiss, and it nearly knocked Star on her ass from shock. Bill's beard tickled her nose, causing her to giggle slightly. “Now you're laughin' at me,” he said, but it was obviously a tease.

“It tickled,” she explained anyway. “Why'd... why'd you do that?”

“'Cuz I wanted to.”

“Oh.” She looked around to see if anyone was watching, then got on her toes to kiss him in return. He wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her close. “Guess I wanted to, too,” she whispered, giggling again.

“You... you're drunk,” he declared, very drunkenly. “You don't laugh like that normally.”

She tipped up the rest of the bottle she hand in her hand. “Oh well. It's a party, right?”

“You're god damn right.” He emptied his bottle as well, then pulled her back in for another sloppy kiss.

Star wasn't sure what was happening, but she seemed to be enjoying herself, so she decided to let it happen. What could possibly go wrong?

….

The morning sun was a rude awakening. Star's head was pounding. Even breathing seemed to agitate it. When she finally managed to crack open an eye, she realized she was looking up at tree tops. She was in the woods somewhere near camp, on her back. “What in the hell?” she groaned.

That was when she realized she wasn't alone because her voice stirred her companion, who then loudly cried, “SHIT!”

“Ah!” she hissed. “Shh.” It took her a moment to place the voice with the person, and when she did, she bolted upright. “Bill?!”

“Yeah, princess,” he replied grumpily. “It's me.”

Another moment passed before she realized he didn't have his shirt on. Which would be difficult to do given that she did. The blue plaid hung off her loosely, concealing most of her body save her legs, which she was thankful for given that Bill's shirt was the only thing she seemed to be wearing.

“Oh no,” she whispered, looking around them. There was no chance anyone from camp would have seen them, but she did worry some about heard. “Oh no!”

“You don't gotta act so pleased,” Bill spat venomously.

She turned her gaze to him and felt a mix of emotions. On one hand, she didn't mean to be quite so horrified. On the other, drunkenly bedding anyone was way out of character for her, and she could not believe she'd done it. “Don't be so self-absorbed,” she retorted. “It's not about you.”

“Oh no? You mean you wanted to end up down the hill, in the woods, in the dirt with me?”

“Don't you get it? It's all of the part before you that's a problem! Coulda been Dutch for all I care, and I still would react the same!”

Much to her surprise, Bill's face softened. “So... it's really not me you're upset about?”

She stared at him and took a moment to analyze her feelings on that matter. None of it was ideal, but she wasn't actually upset about the company she was keeping. “It's not you. I just...” Her shoulders slumped. “It's a lot of things. But not you.”

“Oh.”

Very suddenly, things were awkward. Bill couldn't seem to look at her, and she wasn't entirely sure how to get out of his shirt to give it back. “Go... go stand over there,” she told him, pointing. “And no peeking.”

He huffed and grumbled but did as she said. She collected her clothing, most of which she seemed to be sitting on. She pulled the bottom half on first, then slid Bill's shirt over her head. He shifted to glance over his shoulder, earning him a pine cone in the back of the head. “What did I say?!”

“Sorry!” he cried, rubbing the spot tenderly. “Jesus.”

Once dressed, Star carried Bill's shirt to him, holding it out at a distance. “Here.”

He took it back – yanked it back, really – then pulled it on and buttoned it back up. They were left standing awkwardly after that, neither of them making eye contact or really knowing what to do. Bill's hat was in his hands, twisting around nervously, and Star noticed for the first time just how unfortunate his forehead was. It was already slightly too tall for his face, then with his receding hairline...

“I'm gonna go that way,” she announced, pointing in the general direction of Flatneck Station. “You head back to camp now. I'll show up... later. From over there.”

He glowered for a moment, but eventually mumbled, “Yeah, ok.”

Lacking anything better to say, Star just nodded and started off with, “Right.”

The sun was high in the sky before Star even turned back towards camp. She spent most of the walk trying to remember the night before, and only bits and pieces would come back to her. She remembered chastising a group of them for always making fun of Bill, and she remembered Bill pulling her into the woods. The kisses they shared were foggy at best, but she remembered him holding her hand for what felt like a long time – just standing there, looking vulnerable. It made her heart ache slightly. If only she could remember what she said to him.

As she trudged back into camp, Charles came rushing up to her. “Where have you been?” he murmured, checking her over for injuries.

“I don't know. Woke up over that way. I'm fine, Charles.”

His dark eyes lingered on her with concern. “Someone said they saw Bill follow you into the woods. I was worried.”

That jostled her enough to make her feel bad for brushing him off. “He did. Just... he needed to ask me something. After that....” She shrugged. “I don't really know what happened.” Her eyes went behind Charles to camp. “Did Bill come back?”

“Yeah. Couple hours ago. Said he hadn't seen you. I was about to go out looking.”

The sigh that slipped from Star's body accentuated all the soreness she had been trying to ignore. “I'm sorry. I don't usually drink like that. I don't remember much.”

A small smile lifted Charles' lips. “Well... in any case, Sean would be pleased.” His smile grew when he saw Star smile too. “Come on. Let's get you some food.”

“Thanks.”

As the afternoon wore on, Star fielded multiple questions about what had happened to her the night before. She skirted around most of it, but honestly answered that she didn't really know. As Charles had predicted, Sean got the biggest kick out of it.

“And that's exactly how any party in my honor should end,” he told her, clapping her on the shoulder. “I'm proud of ye.”

“Thank you,” she groaned.

Bill almost immediately started drinking again, and he went about his day pretending like Star didn't exist. It suited her well enough. She wasn't prepared to delve into that particular hornet's nest. Perhaps it would be better if both of them went on as if none of it ever happened.

----------------

@allaboutpizzaandfandoms

[cleacourgette]

Words I cannot Say

I’ve been a fan of Naruto for the longest time in my life, and I never wrote a fanfic of my favorite ship in it, not even once. 

So, due to recent events, my passion about this couple as returned and with it I thought, why not make a fanfic? 

So here it is. Its pretty long but its a one shot. I hope you like it. 

Teal eyes rise from the scribbled paper with a message from Konoha, to meet her brother’s deep green eyes. Worry and concern marked by little wrinkles around her eyebrows and eyes. The scariest kunoichi, with a reputation for being merciless, felt a spark of compassion on her heart the moment she read that paper. She was equipped and ready to leave her village in a quick documents delivery mission that Gaara had placed on her hands. But right when she was all ready and set, she was called again to his office, in order to warn her of what had just happen, to make sure she’d be careful on her journey to Konoha.

“Sarutobi Asuma… this is… this is Shikamaru’s teacher.” She spoke, feeling her mouth dry, as her chest had that annoying little ache, growing more.

“Yes.” Gaara knew very well who Shikamaru was, as well as Asuma. “And from the message it seems like Shikamaru was in this mission as well, but only Asuma died.”

“Shit…” She whispered to herself. Things were bad, not too long ago their village was attacked by the Akatsuki, and they nearly lost Gaara and Kankuro in the process. Now they attacked members of Konoha, and for all she knows even Shikamaru might be injured.

Her first thought was his pride.

Shikamaru prided himself a lot. After the failure with the retrieval of Sasuke, after she poke fun at him for being so fragile, he promised he’d take matters to his hands, he promised he wouldn’t back down anymore and strike to do better. So she was sure he was going to try and do something stupid.

“I want you to go, discretely, and as careful as you can, and immediately come back to Suna.” Gaara appealed to her. It was dangerous to send his sister alone, considering the Akatsuki members were attacking merciless, be it jinchuurikis or not. “I don’t want to send anyone with you either because it might draw too much attention so…”

Temari was still lost in her thoughts; it went from thoughts about the young man’s pride, to how worthless he probably feels, to how dry of tears he must be by now.  Thinking so tenderly about him, what was she even doing?

“Yes!” She was looking back at the Kazekage again—no, right now she was looking at his brother Gaara, who carried a small fraction of a worried expression, but just enough for her to understand it and smile, chest filled with joy. “I’ll be fine! You can count on me to deliver these documents, I’ll just go, deliver and be back.” Her gloved hand presses and squeezes the pale Kazekage’s hand for a second before the stands up with a thought on her mind. She was not only delivering the documents, she was also delivering something else of her own.

Just as instructed, Temari was careful all the way to konoha. Bright sunny day turned dark blueish night, it was a peaceful walk with no trouble at all. She passed by strangers, making the same journeys by foot. The path turned from sandy to earthy, the distance between Suna and Konoha seemed smaller every time, she was eager to return to the green land every time she walked by the gates. But this time, there was uncertainty, she had a growing feeling pressing her heart down to her stomach, with each step she took, and when she could already see the hidden buildings and civilization through the green leafs, her stomach was giving in. She was nervous, the feeling of growing butterflies on her belly, the ache in her heart. She took a deep breath, looking forward with her terrifying expression, whispering to herself. “Snap out of it Temari.”  

“I’m sorry for making you come all the way from suna for these.” The imposing figure of the fifth Hokage, sat behind her desk, it was much of a familiar vision of what she had at home, but instead of a gorgeous female ninja, she had her smaller and younger baby brother. Temari reached with her hand to her moth, curling her fingers only to press them lightly in a polite gesture to the older woman in front of her.  

Tsunade was without a doubt, someone she admired as a kunoichi. She made it to hokage, and she was a legend in the world of ninjas. She heard distant stories about the great 3 sanin, until one of them managed to manipulate her father. Though, Tsunade was definitely different from Orochimaru, she was someone to look up to.

“It’s no trouble at all.” Temari said, bowing her head a little bit. The older Kunoichi had Shizune pick up all the documents in order to take them to the lab and analyze them.

“Going back to Suna already?” Tsunade rest her head on her hand, and her elbow on the table, tapping on some of the various papers over the desk, Temari picked that spot exactly to look at, imagining she was probably as busy as Gaara when it came to all that paper work, ministry work, laws, people’s wishes, the council, the other villages, really there was no stopping. It was no wonder the woman looked like she hardly slept that night.

“Ah, yes, I only have a little errand of my own I’d like to attend, but after that I’m leaving. Gaara needs my help back in the village, I can’t be far from home for too long.”

“I understand.” The hokage sighed, envious that the young Kazekage had actually concerned and helpful siblings doing their best for their brother and Kazegake. “Well, make yourself comfortable for as long as you want, the village might be a little chaotic from the recent events… but you might still be able to be perfectly comfortable around the village.”  

Temari paused for a moment. Right, Shikamaru’s teacher was someone very important after all, the whole village knew who he was, her expression changed, and Tsunade noticed. “Right. I’m sorry for what happen. Know that if you ever need, Suna is a reliable ally.” Spoken from the aching heart, hoping it would somehow help heal anything that was hurting on that village.

“Of course! And please tell the kazegake we really appreciate this risky trip to deliver the documents. Stay as long as you want.”

They parted. And as soon as Temari closed the door of the hokage’s office behind her, her heart was aching again, her stomach throwing the same fit as before. The thought of her little personal errand was ruining her for some reason.

Actually now that she was walking down the streets of konoha, in the direction of the Nara residence, she gave it a few moments to think about what she was doing. She didn’t even have a plan. What was she going to do? Knock on the door, look at Shikamaru’s disgraceful face, and then what?

A long time ago, when both of them were still but children, they sat across from each other on the hospital corridor, she knew exactly what to do and say to him. Suck it up crybaby, you’re a ninja, you have to keep moving forward. But he grew, things changed, even though he still had his constant moaning and complaining about how life was troublesome, this time it was different. Shikamaru was older and fortunately learned from his first lesson, he was smart after all, he had that going for him. Lazy, but smart. She supposed he would take things differently this time, not to mention, last time no one died.

Then what was she going to do?

Knock on the door and say how sorry she was that his teacher died, especially so in a mission with him as well? Or maybe nag him for doing nothing, for being an idiot? A loss was a loss and no words could fix that. She knew what a loss was; she felt those all through her life. She didn’t even know what to do from here on.

Lost in her thoughts she reached the door of the Nara residence without even realizing. What once was a confusing village to walk around in, how now easy to walk about.  She grew so used to it from her various trips that she knew exactly the places, the streets and the people. It was a warm welcoming village that was clearly now going through a major loss.

The door of the residence was right in front of her eyes, she admired it for a moment before forming a fist with her hand, closing the distance between her and the door a bit more, she almost knocked on it, but then got cold feet.

He wasn’t a boy anymore, and she was probably the last person he wanted to see after what happen, she had no business being there anyway, she should be the adult one and turn around to go home. Gaara and Kankuro were waiting for her.

“Oh! If it isn’t the sand princess!”

The deep voice pierced her thoughts, bursting the haze in which she was moments ago. She relaxed too much, she slack and now someone was taking advantage of that. When she turned around to see who it was, she was greeted with a too familiar face.

A long spiked ponytail was the first feature that jumped out at her, earrings shinning under the  light posts of that night, and a smug, a smug particularly identical to his son’s. The only difference between that face and Shikamaru’s were a few scars across the skin and a goatee. That was Shikaku, the head of the Nara family and Shikamaru’s dad.

“Ah—“ Temari didn’t even have time to react, Shikaku was merciless, even more than she was, and continued quickly.

“I thought I saw someone admiring the door of my house, but I didn’t expect it to be you, miss.” His voice was deeper than Shikamaru’s. His attitude certainly different, even though every word was spoke with a smug, just like Shikamaru. Somehow he managed to be charming actually. “Are you looking for Shikamaru?”

There it was, another thing that both father and son shared to be identical, the sharpness and intelligence, the capacity to analyze the situation within seconds. What did she expect, anyway? She would certainly not be there for Shikaku or his wife, and considering the situation at hands, she had more than a reason to be there.

“Right.” She sighed looking down at a spot on the floor, defeated, not even trying to come up with an excuse, her motive to be there was simple anyway. “I heard what happen and I came to check on him.” There was no point in lying specially not face to someone who was probably a far better strategist than his son. No matter how good and bright she was, she was still losing to Shikamaru, and would lose far more face to Shikaku. “Just making sure he isn’t sulking like the cry baby he is.”

“Ah! Thank you for taking an interest in my dumb son.” Shikaku replied to the teasing sand kunoichi. Walking past her, he reached for the door, opening it and making a way for Temari to walk in. But she didn’t move. It’s not like she was taking an interest in his dumb son, she just... “He’s not home. Or in the village. He’s out on a mission, but you might want to come in and talk it over a tea.”

He was on a mission? That was odd. That was unlike him, to so soon after a tragedy be in a mission again. Maybe he wanted to clear his mind with an easy far away mission, or maybe—she became weary, and it sure peeked her interest. Not so much for the tea and cookies, but the way Shikaku was talking just now was making her both curious and worried.

Her eyebrows pressed, and she exhaled. It was not her business, and she did have to go back home. “I’m sorry, my brothers are waiting for me.” She raised a hand and dipped her head down a little, in a bow, politely refusing.

“It won’t take too long. Besides, you might want to eat something before you leave. Come, I’ll prepare something while I tell you about his mission. You really want to know about it. He insisted and she knew immediately that whatever that mission was, it was both dangerous, and important.

The image that Temari had on her head about Shikaku was engraved about that day at the hospital. An imposing man, the spitting image of Shikamaru, except broader and mature. She even felt sorry for Shikamaru when his dad brought him to reason like that. The yell still echoed in her memories “You god damned coward.” Now, that image was changing, realizing that Shikaku was far a better person than she could have anticipated.

A smile covered her lips. “Fine, if you insist so much, but it will have to be brief, my brothers will be worried if I don’t go back to suna immediately.”

The house was well kept and tidy, on the walls, prints and ancient paintings of what it seemed to be the family’s symbol. The deer. It was only fitting considering the name Shika ran in the family.

Shikaku took the blond kunoichi to the back to the house, an outside area where he and Shikamaru would often play shogi. “Wife’s not home, she took some days off to visit her mother. She’s worried too.”

Worried?

“Here, make yourself comfortable.” The older man said, showing her to the exact spot where a table of shogi was comfortably set between two pillows. “The tea won’t take long.” He disappeared, leaving Temari alone to admire the garden in the dark. First she looked at the light of the moon against the flailing leafs, shaking a little in the wind. Then she pressed her palms together, realizing where exactly she was. That was Shikamaru’s house. Where he eats, where he spends time resting, and where he sleeps. The girl had the same nauseating feeling against at the pit of her stomach and the ache on her heart. When she turned her head a little, to shake that feeling away, she noticed the table at her feet, and the pieces of shogi, out of their respective place. It looked like a game half way, she kneeled over the pillow and traced her fingers over one of the pieces of shogi. The pawn.

“Oh? Do you also know how to play shogi?” She was startled, again. That man was really silent and cunning to her. She’d have to remain on guard around him.

“A little.” She replied, raising her fingers from the board.

“Yeah, I expected a bright girl like you to know how to play shogi. Your fight in the chunnin exams with Shikamaru was impressive.” He sat down on the other side of the little table, placing the tray with two cups and a container with the tea, as well as a plate with various snacks, which Temari had to admit, looked delicious.

But when he spoke those words, she couldn’t contain a blush. She was being recognized for that fight, as well as how she realized that that time at the hospital obviously wasn’t the first time Shikaku saw her, but the chunnin exams.

“I still lost. I want a rematch actually. I know I could beat him now.” That sentence alone was enough to make a chuckle burst from Shikaku’s mouth. It surprised her, watching him so lively laugh, she couldn’t understand where it was funny.

“I know you could beat him up easily, my dear. You have a little something special about you, capable of beating him up.” She quirked one eyebrow, glancing at him with a face more confused than before. She still couldn’t figure out if he was just as dumb as his son, or was just making fun of her. “Anyway.” He continued, reached for the water container, spilling some tea on both cups, one after another, with an artcraft of someone who actually mastered it.

Her expression turned serious, she knew what was about to come now. Shikamaru’s mission. It might even provide some important in tell for her village.

“Shikamaru’s gone after the Akatsukis who murdered Asuma. He went to seek for revenge.”

Her eyes shot open, and the once calm but serious expression of hers, was now an expression of horror. That dumbass. He had no chance. Both his brothers were so easily defeated byt the Akatsuki, and Asuma also perished in their hands, so why did he think he could stand a chance? And why was his father so calm knowing all this?

“That idiot!” Temari threw the words out as if she was containing her breath for a long time. The ache was back. Maybe this was it. She had a bad feeling all this time, just like she had a bad feeling when his brothers were attacked, and that bad feeling carried a weighted heart and a stomach impossible to control. She formed a fist with her hand, keeping it on her lap. Shikaku was holding the cup with her tea, reaching closer to her.

“I wasn’t against it.” He completed, waiting her for to notice the cup, and to notice the reason why he was telling her all this.

Temari of course raised her eyes towards the man, ignoring the cup with the tea, instead she took a deep breath, her chest raising, her eyebrows furrowed, and her fist opening to slam against the shogi table. “How so? It’s far too dangerous! My brothers nearly lost their lives against those people! And why—why couldn’t he just asked for help, I knew it, I knew he was going to be doing something stupid, and be too proud to ask for help!”

Shikaku smiled. He was relaxed, watching her fuss over every little thing about his boy’s decision. Just like his wife would be to him. He was sure now. If before he only thought they fancied each other, now he was sure of it. The girl had a liking to Shikamaru, she was worried. And that moment he knew his boy would be fine, as long as that girl never left his side.

“He wasn’t alone.” He reassured the girl, raising calmly the cup in her direction. Temari was still too fussy, but regardless, she took the cup, still furrowing her brows, expecting Shikaku to enlighten her. “He was with Ino and Chouji. He’ll be fine. He’s not so stupid to endanger himself like that if he didn’t know what he was doing. There’s still a lot he has to do, a promise to keep. So he’ll have to be back. Anyway, the fifth already sent a rescue team after them, only a little bit of help in case things go sour.”

Temari’s head dropped down, her eyes found the piece with the engraving Pawn again over the shougi table. She couldn’t quiet down her heart still, there was a lot of uncertainty. No matter how smart Shikamaru was, he was still weaker than her when it came to physical strength. His option would run out, he would run out of chakra he—

“Temari.” The daze she was in was interrupted, and she looked up at a voice that, on that moment, almost sounded like Shikamaru’s. “There are some things that a man needs to do by himself. He doesn’t think you’re weak, he doesn’t underestimate you.  But this was his business and his business alone. And sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” Her heart quiet down a little, she understood perfectly what he meant.  

“I guess it was just wishful thinking.” She said, looking back at the older man. “I expected him to count on me and rely on me more than this. So it pisses me off when he doesn’t.”  She was calmer now, the warm sensation of the cup between her hands, also helped to it. To sooth her down. “But I really can’t blame him.”

It became clear for her. Shikamaru wasn’t just an acquaintance and someone she had to work with as a liaison between Konoha and Suna.  He was her friend, a very dear friend. It was a sort of connection she really wasn’t used to have, the only tight relations she had in her life was her family, so dear to her. But Shikamaru slowly earned a place in her heart, as a dear friend.

“I still expect you to call him to reason when needed. He really needs someone to keep him on his feet and from what I’ve seen, you’ve got the guts for it.” Another smug.  It was embarrassing to hear his father ask her to do that, but she knew exactly she was one of the only people who Shikamaru listened to. And his consideration for her, was something that fit well with her ego.  She smiled back the the man, taking the cup to her lips, tasting the sweetness in the liquid.

“I guess someone has to do it.” She snarkly said, both to make herself feel better and to let Shikaku know that she wasn’t going to let Shikamaru off easily ever. “Say...” She shyly said, suddenly finding the cup between her hands extremely fascinating. “Could you... not tell him I was here today?” There was an obvious hint of red over her olive skin, right around the cheeks and ears. Shikaku felt nothing more than satisfaction, so he complied. 

“Of course, Sand princess.”  

[shima-draws]

The "Right" Way

Authors Notes: Notes: -Asdfghjkl- is the Squip talking to Jeremy ~Asdfghjkl~ is singing ((The tune would be that of the Be More Chill songs: the Squip’s solo and the background chorus))

~~~~~~~~

Jeremy stands just outside Jake’s house, a look of pure determination on his face. He’s figured out a system that -almost- works every time. He thinks he just needs to iron out the last few bugs and pray that God is on his side.

…I thought that LAST time. And the time before that. And the time before that. Now he’s just standing there like a pitiful, lost child.

What he doesn’t realize is his LITERALLY fatal mistake. His very first step. Avoiding the confrontation with… him. I tried to get him to do it the right way the first few times, but he lost all faith in me when I blocked the loser in. Apparently he doesn’t know the term “self-preservation.” I’ll have to fix that.

The last time he fought with Michael, he didn’t rejoin the party. He sat by the door in silence, listening to Michael’s pathetic breakdown. That’s when he decided to try to stop that from happening. On the next loop, he went in, became intoxicated so I wouldn’t interfere (I was getting bored of trying to improve him anyway), and did things differently. Not like it helped; people still keep dying. Michael, Chloe, Brooke, Christine, Jake, Rich, Jenna, even himself a few times. Almost. He rewinds just before he dies. Let’s just hope nothing happens that stops his heart before he even gets the chance to think.

Anyway, I’m bored with just sitting on the sidelines. But moreso I’m bored of living this stupid night over and over again inside his head because he’s too weak to accept death. But if I try to do anything, he’ll just get drunk.

…Looks like it’s time for Plan B.

-Jeremy.-

“What do you want? I thought you were leaving me alone.”

-There’s a right way to do this, to end this night.-

“Oh yeah? What’s that? Locking Michael in the bathroom again?! No way. I swear to God if you try ANYTHING–”

-I won’t. Trust me I want to be finished here just as much as you do. So I’m going to give you my advice. I AM your Squip, after all. It’s my job.-

“…So what’s your advice?”

If I say something extreme first, he will be more likely to listen to the second suggestion.

-Maybe someone NEEDS to die.-

“WHAT?! You’re CRAZY!!”

-No, think about it. It’s a house fire; there are bound to be casualties.-

“Well, yeah, I guess that makes sense… But plenty of people I don’t know die, so…that CAN’T be it!”

-Maybe someone you DO know is just fated to die.-

“‘Fated…to die…?’ But who…? N-no, no! I can’t think this way! I’m not gonna let ANY of my friends die!”

-Maybe you keep failing because you spread yourself too thin. Maybe you should just learn to be okay with failure and death. It seems to be following you anyway.-

“No…that can’t be it… Who could be “fated to die”…?

-I guess you’ll have to find that out for yourself. But that’s not all.-

“Oh, GREAT.”

-Don’t worry, it’s easier than playing God and deciding who should die. But it’s just as important, I assure you.-

“O…kay…?”

-You need to stop avoiding the confrontation with Michael.-

“Wh…No! You heard just how upset he gets… I can’t put him through that again…”

-Do you want to watch him die forever?-

“N..no… Of course not… I can’t take that…..”

-Then LISTEN to me. And obey. Or we’ll NEVER get through this.-

…

-Jeremy, I know what’s best for you. Even if you can’t see it sometimes. ~Everything about you is going to be wonderful.~-

“~But I don’t care so much about me…~”

-~Everything about you is going to be so alive!~-

“~But I can’t even save my friends’ lives…~”

-~Jeeeeeeeremyyyyyy, you can’t try to beeeee the hero you wanna beeeeeeeeee…~ So be more chill.-

“…Be more…chill.”

-That’s right. Now let’s get in there.-

Because of the little pep talk, we end up arriving later than usual. Brooke sees us walk in from across the room and eagerly rushes over to meet us like the dog she’s dressed as.

“Jeremy!” she waves and squirms through the crowd, “I was afraid you weren’t coming; did you get my messages??”

That’s new.

-Play it off.-

“Am I late? Didn’t even realize.” Good. He’s listening to me again. Wait… He’s listening to me again? This doesn’t make… Running neurotypical scan… Showing signs of despondence, hopelessness, and despair. Analyzing probable causes… Ah, of course. The last reset. When Michael went blind. That was the closest he’s ever gotten. And he went and kissed the boy, too. They made it over that pit against all odds, but… It wasn’t enough. They took too long, and the entrance became blocked entirely. No one could get out. He watched as all of his friends choked to death, one by one. He held Michael’s face as he desperately tried to keep him from giving up. He called his name until his very last breath–in that timeline, anyway.

That must be what’s broken him. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s falling back on me again. This…this is perfect. If he lets me guide him through the party, we may actually be able to make it.

~~~~~~~

Things are going well. Jeremy is doing everything I tell him to. Out of nowhere, he just decides to break off from the group and head to the bathroom.

“This doesn’t feel right. Just…acting like nothing bad is about to happen…”

-It will pass. Eventually, it will pass.-

“How do you–Gwah!”

Jeremy is pulled into the bathroom by Michael. He tries to convince Jeremy that I’m going to ruin his life. Which is ridiculous. My job is to improve his life, not ruin it. By any means necessary.

-You can’t listen to him, Jeremy. I’m the only one who can get us out of this. You’ve tried everything. Give up and let me save us.-

Jeremy stares at the floor, his face as clouded as his vision.

“Get out of my way. You loser…”

After a moment of realization, registering that his “best friend” is mine now, Michael steps to the side. I always feel satisfied when we sever the last link to Jeremy 1.0. I have to take control just to stop Jeremy’s tears from falling and walk us out. I don’t let him stay anywhere near that bathroom.

The rest of the party, he just hangs on the sidelines. Too mentally strained to even try to enjoy himself. It’s not ideal, but I can’t push him too much, or he’ll stop listening to me again. I’ve finally regained his trust; I can’t lose it again. Jeremy watches that Rich kid from across the room. He’s fidgeting on the couch, scratching his head often and muttering to himself. Several people have jokingly asked what was wrong with him, but he dismissed them rather violently. Now he’s pacing around the living room, visibly shaking.

“I still haven’t figured out why he acts like that… I should go ask.”

-If you want to.-

He makes his way to Rich, coming up behind him, and taps his shoulder. Rich nearly jumps out of his skin at the touch. He rounds on Jeremy, grabbing him by the shoulders. Upon closer inspection, his face is pale and panicked, eyes bloodshot and baggy, hair unkempt and shaggy. You’d think he was drinking or smoking, but he hardly smells of alcohol or pot. So what could…?

“I NEED MOUNTAIN DEW REEEEED!!!!!” Rich yells, shaking.

Shit. He’s figured it out. How could his Squip be so idiotic? Sigh… Fine. Looks like he needs to be the one to go. Jeremy tries to soothe him, but there’s no point. He’s lost it.

-Give it up, Jeremy. He’ll be fine.-

Jeremy stops, watching him run around now, out of control. Not long after he flees to the kitchen, screams erupt from within and teens frantically flood from the fire.

-It’s time to go.-

“But Rich is still in there! And I can’t leave Michael behind..!”

-Michael will be fine. He already left.-

“He…he did?”

-Optic nerve blocking.-

“…Right…. But still, what about Rich?!”

-Leave him.-

“Huh…?”

-Hurry up and get out of here or I’ll do it for you.-

As Jeremy stares awestruck, eyes fixed on the growing flames, Jenna and Christine pass him; Christine stops for a moment to grab him by the arm, “What are you waiting for, Jeremy?! Come on!!” She drags him out, abandoning the other Squipped teen.

By the time Jeremy regains his senses, he scans the crowd. Christine and Jenna are safe, obviously, Chloe has buried herself under his arm, Brooke is sitting by the road, crying, and Jake has his hands to the sides of his head, trying to figure out how the hell he would explain this to his parents. The only one missing is–

“Michael… Where’s Michael?!”

-Jeremy, he’s–

“No!! I won’t risk it!”

He’s going to jump again!

-We finally made it out of there! You’re going to throw that away?! You don’t know that he’s still in there!-

“But I don’t know that he’s not!”

I need to say something and quick. Time jumping is the only thing I can’t stop him from doing!

-Jeremy STOP!! Or you’ll NEVER break free of this.-

He stops. Thank God.

“…You’re sure he’s alive?”

If it’ll get him to not reset, -Yes.-

“…I can’t risk it.”

-JEREMY–

KRRRRT*,,×,WNwWKO $÷×NENWO [JWN [¥~,WKWL)EMW##@!![,×NAKAO (!(!(JU (KANW÷÷××??+,(€£¥`◇\~¡¿¿¿¿,!+`!,NAAAa (+(+(+÷÷#-,;^

,,,EEEE-EEEEE-EEEEEEEE?((+[&&;!

……

Ahem.

Sigh.

Here we go again.

((OH

OH OH OH HOH OHHGH FDKNG OH MY GOD!!!! THAT WAS SO GOOD I’M SC REAMIN I HAVE NO WORDS!!!

For a minute I thought this was the “final” timeline, the one where they actually all make it--and I thought what a fantastic idea it would be if the final timeline is what actually happened in the show! So all of the previous timeloops lead up to everything in the actual musical, that’s genius!!

But aaa wreck my hEART AGA IN JESUS, I’m so glad Jer’s so concerned for Michael even though there’s a chance he made it out~~~ And reading everything from the Squip’s POV was so interesting! Especially for this AU, seeing things from his perspective is so neat! I loved it <33333

AND HOLY SHIT I LOVE HOW YOU PUT IN SOME OF THE SONG LYRICS? When I read those I started to sing along and gosh. I am dECEA SE D

AND I ALSO LOVE HOW YOU MENTIONED MY FIC WHEN MICHAEL GOES BLIND I JKNSJKNFKGJ THANK YOU??? THAT MADE THE WHOLE THING EVEN BETTER THAN IT ALREADY WAS

I am shook by how amazing this is, I think I need a minute to sit down and breathe omfg

TY for this amazing fic, I have been blessed by the gODS, my plants are thriving, my skin is clear, I have ASCENDED TO THE ASTRAL PLANE))

[fightingeachurge]

Being Transgender

(2017) By: Beck Landry

It’s hard to imagine being transgender if you are not. That isn’t your fault, it just is a difficult concept to understand. I write this knowing that the vast majority of people do not understand this and explaining it is even harder. Being uncomfortable in your body and not exactly knowing why or even being able to articulate it is not easily imaginable. I am sure some people will stop and think about it and say that they have had some sort of insecurity about their body before, they totally get it! They don’t like their stomach, they didn’t like how their teeth were, and you’re right, everyone is insecure about something or embarrassed or shy about their body, but this is a different level of uncomfortable.

When I was in elementary school, there are many instances I can look back on and pinpoint why they made me trans. One I am going to focus on solely is when I was in fifth grade, and my gym teacher, principal, and mother, all had to have a talk about my breasts developing too much to not wear a bra at school anymore. I remember being miserable about it, feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and hating my chest more than ever. Now, one way to try and make sense of that moment is to say that being a developing girl is a difficult process for everyone and if you’re a “tomboy” then it is especially awkward. The problem with that is that my classmates that were also developing were excited and happy about their bodies, they took pride in their bodies. I felt different. I felt like it was the end of the world. I didn’t exactly understand why, but I knew I didn’t feel normal. I didn’t feel like this was a part of growing older, and I remember crying about it. This isn’t my only memory about being upset about my body, but it is the best example I have. It wasn’t about being shy, it was about my body and what it was developing and how that felt entirely wrong.

Realizing I am transgender was the biggest eye opener of my entire life, it changed everything about me, what I think, how I feel, how I look at myself, and it gave me the words to set to the feelings I had been having for years. I didn’t come to the conclusion on my own, truly, it was the help of someone important giving me little hints, pointing out little things, and lots of denial, but when it came down to it, I took a week to myself to think about the entire concept. There was a lot of crying, a lot of confusion, a lot of memories I never wanted to acknowledge or sort through. I spent hours upon hours in a incognito google window trying to research these feelings I had been having my entire life. Taking quizzes, reading articles, reading help pages, calling the TransLifeline and crying because I didn’t want to accept who I was. But after taking that week to mull over my entire life, I knew who I was, I knew my path. So then it started, my coming out process. I started with those closest to me, and then work, and finally, I talked to my family.

Coming out to my family was the hardest thing I had to do; I planned for weeks. I drafted emails, I cried, I was scared. So I started in the place I figured would be easiest; my dad. My dad and I didn’t live together, we barely spoke, and coming out to him was risk-free because our involvement in eachother's lives with minimal. My father is a conservative republican, and I figured that if he would take it poorly, it wouldn’t matter very much. I called him on an afternoon where I had the house alone. The man who once told me I wasn’t a person and had no rights, sat and listened to me explain myself, nervous and scared for a reaction. All he said was, “that’s it?” and it was the biggest relief I had ever heard in my life. If my dad could understand and support me, then the rest of my liberal democrat family could surely understand!

I came out to my brother next, I handed him my phone with his letter in the car one day, and he didn’t say anything and changed the subject, seemingly indifferent. He knew I had been questioning my gender, and I figured he just knew I had decided and I knew he loved me anyway. I talked to my aunts next, and with caution and concern, they kindly accepted me and said they wanted me to be happy. I left my mom for last.

My mom was the person I had been most scared to talk to, because I was afraid to hurt her. I was afraid that by me coming out, she would feel the loss of a daughter too heavily. So on my way to a work meeting one day, I sent her the long email with the combination explanation/apology, begging for her acceptance and love. Upon arriving home, my nightmare came to life. My mother did not accept or support me, she told me that I was confused and I would thank her later for her lack-of-support because I would see that she was right, she made nasty threats about taking me off the health insurance, about contesting any attempt at a name change, questioning who would ever love me or hire me. She said that this rejection was an act of love that I would thank her for. I didn’t sleep a wink that night.

Since then, our relationship had been strained. Her unquenchable aspiration for biological grandchildren, and complete disregard for my happiness has put us at odds. I cringe every time she speaks my deadname, every time she calls me she/her. Every time she tells my dog to go see his “mommy” (while he blankly looks at her, knowing that he has a daddy and not a mommy.) Each moment she ignores my happiness in pursuit of her own wants, and living in her own fears, I find myself trying to understand her and the rejection I face. This adversity was one I had never felt before. My family had always accepted that I was interested in women, my family had always supported my choices in happiness. In analyzing this, I have started to come up with a few conclusions, because there needs to be a reason. My mother is not typically a bigoted person, and accepts everyone as they are, she is a fighter for civil rights, she is an ally, she is a defender of the people.

Understanding my mother's adverse reaction to my gender seems to come from a place of selfish wants, a place of worry, a place of fear, a place of not understanding, and a place of mourning. She wants biological grandchildren, more than anything in the world, and hormones have the possibility of making my sterile, thus taking away that dream from her. She knows that being transgender is -- in it’s own -- a dangerous and difficult path to be on. She knows that people do not like transgender individuals and are trying to take rights away from them at the current moment, and having a child who is transgender is terrifying when you know that people in this country would like to murder transkids. She doesn’t think that I am transgender, just as she doesn’t think that I am ADHD. I got diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and despite being tested, she refused to ever accept that I am ADHD, and so I think this is similar. She has this idea of who I am in her mind, then she has this idea of what she wants, and the people she knows, and she wants to put me into a box she has the capability to understand. She doesn’t seem to have the capacity to understand that this has been a consistent and persistent problem in my life for as long as I can remember. She can accept having a tomboy for a child because she was a tomboy as a child, but she grew out of it. But the level of dysphoria I have experienced is incomprehensible to her because she doesn’t understand that when she gave me a women’s blazer to wear to prom my junior year, that it made me feel so wrong and so upset that it nearly ruined my entire night. She found my complete mental breakdown about the jacket -- which was just like a men’s jacket (in her mind) -- to be unreasonable. For someone who has never experienced dysphoria, I understand why she thought I was batshit crazy, and as someone who didn’t understand why I was crying about a jacket not being the right gender of jacket; I didn’t have any explanation. All I knew back then was that I felt ugly and wrong in a woman’s jacket. Now that I am older, have done research, and understand myself better, that was a moment of dysphoria.

If you don’t know what dysphoria is or feels like, it is an extremely uneasy feeling that can lead to extreme states of anxiety and depression. My feelings of dysphoria often feel like the action I am being forced into is a knife pressed against my jugular, and I am inconsolable until everything is “right.” “Right” for me, someone stopping their pursuit of attempting to make me wear/do/think/feel/look like any way that a female would. When I am dysphoric (which has not happened in quite some time now) I am reactive, I am anxious, I was incapable of explaining why doing what I was doing made me feel so violently sick to my stomach, and I would do anything to escape that moment, because it feels wrong. My whole life, I would cry and be “irrationally” upset at the things that people made me wear, the way they tried to make me look, the way that being called my deadname always felt wrong (so I gave myself an androgynous nickname to make it better,) the way I would have a total mental breakdown when I felt like my masculinity was being torn from me, when people called me a lady and I felt weird, when people treated me like a girl and I got angry.

My mother wanted so desperately to have the dream life she envisioned, with the family she envisioned. I think that she spent her whole life waiting for me to change, to do as she pleased, but the sad and most unfortunate truth of all is that though she gave me life, I am not her property. I am not a cattle for breeding, with the sole purpose of giving her a family she always wanted, because ultimately, this is my life to live, and not hers. I am a human, I am my own individual, and my life is mine to live. I want to live a happy life, a life where I actually have a future that I can imagine, where I am not miserable. Despite her best efforts, I cannot make my mother happy and give her the life that she wants to have. She gave birth to a human, and humans are of free will. When she asked me to delay, when she asked me to wait ten years and have children, I don’t think she understood that she asked me to put myself and my happiness and my will to live aside for her. I never wanted to birth children. It was never a future I saw myself having. I always knew I wanted to have children, but I never once had the desire to carry them myself. I could never see myself doing it and the idea of it always felt inherently wrong. But before I even came out I had explained that I did not want to, I couldn’t understand why, but it was an unfathomable experience that didn’t make any sense to me. My life is mine to live, and to not even see a future in that life, not being able to see a future self without immense disgust was not something I was going to live with for a moment longer.

The trials and tribulations that my mother and I are going through are not uncommon. Sometimes, they even more extreme. My mother chooses to ignore my gender, with the hopes that she is right. The unfortunate truth is that I cannot make her understand. She has to do that for herself, and see that living my life the way I am intended to is what makes me happy, confident, and that it is my job to do my best to make a change in perceptions and in the world. I cannot let fear run my life, just as I cannot live my life to make my mother happy, because in the end, I have to do what is right for me. I cannot make my mother understand or accept me, but I can stand up for myself. I can make the choice to be my authentic self, and I can make the choice to correct her. My life cannot be lived according to her desires, because I cannot cast who I am aside to make her happy.

The denial has long passed, and I have started to understand these unexplained moments from my past. Not having the words to convey what you are feeling and why you are feeling it is by far the most difficult and most frustrating thing you will ever deal with. The extremes of my childhood battle with being transgender, and the extreme emotions it made me feel is a story that I am very open and proud to share. I am proud to be transgender. I understand the risks, I understand the difficulties, and financial aspects of my transition. I am aware that this isn’t an easy path, and if you asked me last year what I thought I would look like in twenty years, I would have told you that I have no idea, but I hope to die before I get there, because the idea of being a woman, and living my entire life as a woman has always been so incomprehensible to me. Finally figuring out the missing piece of the puzzle in understanding myself has given me my future. I am no longer afraid of growing older, because I know who I am, and I don’t dread being the man I am meant to be.

[stardust2003]

Madferit: The Novel - Chapter 21

           Noel's hand gripped mine firmly under the blankets. I smiled as I watched him sleep. He looked so peaceful...and maybe for more reasons than just a fuckin' killer gig.

He began to stir a couple minutes later, clearing his throat and moving his head around on the pillows.

"Mornin'." He said with a smile, his voice and eyes filled with sleep.

"Morning." I replied.

He rolled over onto his side and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. He shuddered a little after he pulled away. "It's a bit chilly in here, innit?"

"Yeah a little."

"Come closer then." He said as he pulled on me. "That's better, yeah?" He asked after his arms were wrapped around me.

I giggled in reply.

"What?"

I shook my head. "You just don't come off as the cuddly type." I replied.

"Nah! I like cuddlin'. I just figured you'd want your space last night so that's why I held off."

"Oh."

He hummed in response.

"It's just weird." I mused.

"What's weird?" He asked curiously.

"Doing this. Laying here with you. I always thought you hated me."

"I don't hate you. I just-"

"Don't know how to deal with people?"

"Summat like that." He said quietly.

"Is that why you write songs then?" I asked.

He nodded.

I smirked a little. "So go on then."

"What?"

"Tell me about how all those songs were written for me." I ordered.

"Alright." He agreed with a nod. "Track by track?"

"Yeah."

"Hello"

He wrote this one apparently right after Liam and I arrived in France the previous November. He was pissed off that I'd come on board without his permission and jealous that I seemed to fit in so well with the others right off the bat.

"Roll With It"

He liked my "not giving a fuck" attitude when I just barged in not afraid of him.

"Reminded me of me." He said.

"Wonderwall"

"S'pose that one kinda speaks for itself." He said flatly.

But he went on to say I had changed his life for the better...even if he didn't want to admit it to himself.

"Hey Now"

He penned this one on the tour bus one day while he watched me sitting on the couch across the aisle way from him gazing out the window at the trees and stuff we passed by. I was "just sat there" ignoring every fuckin' thing going on around me, including him. It was true. In all the many bus rides I'd taken with the band on that tour, I never remember seeing Noel sitting there watching me, as much as I hoped he would.

"Some Might Say"

This song was written on the day he had that stomachache. With nothing to do but lay in his bunk trying to ignore the pain, he wrote a song about how we'd apparently made peace with each other but we certainly didn't have everything sorted out.

"Cast No Shadow"

He told the press this one was for his friend, Richard Ashcroft, but in reality, it was about himself...and trying to figure out how he was going to say everything he wanted to tell me but was too scared to say it.

"Cue 'Wonderwall'." He said.

"She's Electric"

This song was supposed to be the "Digsy's Dinner" of the new album. At least, that was the description the media got anyway. He based this song around my stories of life back home in Ohio. My sister, he said, sounded really sweet. There were six cousins in my immediate family, including me. And my brother always referred to the music I listened to as "dope smoking hippie music".

"What about the 'bun in the oven' part?" I asked curiously.

Goodness knows I wasn't pregnant.

"Nothin' really." He replied. "Just needed summat that would rhyme."

He also reckoned sex with me would be quite electric.

"And I was right about that, eh?" He said with a grin.

"Morning Glory"

This was my "anti-drug" anthem. He enjoyed taking drugs because he thought they were fun but also felt they gave him a bit of a confidence boost, and he kind of envied me for not needing them.

"You're cool without tryin'." He said softly.

I really didn't think so but it was nice to hear someone thought I was, especially him.

"Champagne Supernova"

This was another drug related song. We were all hanging out backstage before some gig. Noel couldn't get over how I just sat there on the couch while all the others around me were off their tits on drugs.

"You were glowin'." He told me. "Our Kid didn't fuckin' notice but I did."

He said it nearly made him forget about the line he was chopping.

That was probably one of the weirdest compliments I ever received.

But I didn't dare tell him that.

"What about 'Don't Look Back in Anger'?" I asked.

"That one you're gonna have to figure out on your own." He replied as he rested his head back on his arm.

I rolled my eyes. "Always talking in riddles."

"It's not a fuckin' riddle! It's quite simple if ya take a few seconds and read over the bloody lyrics. Here." He reached over to the nightstand, opened the top drawer, and pulled a notebook out. He handed it to me. "First page."

I opened the notebook to the first page and there were the lyrics in his handwriting. I read them over and began analyzing the words.

"Oh my gosh." I said when I put two and two together. "Liam's Sally isn't he?"

Noel nodded. "Thank fuck Our Kid doesn't do too good with the subtle stuff."

"Yeah."

That night's concert was a few hours away. The crew milled around prepping things while the band hung out drinking and all the other usual stuff.

Noel was still as chipper as he was that morning although he kept his distance from me to a certain degree. Meg was there and so was Liam but Patsy was nowhere to be found.

Liam looked quite sad and hid away from everyone in a corner while he smoked a cigarette. I knew it was up to me to sort him out.

That's what they paid me for anyway.

"Hey." I said as I went over and sat down on the floor beside him.

He didn't look at me and just took another drag from his cigarette.

"Ya stayed with him last night, didn't ya?" He said as he blew out a cloud of smoke.

"Yeah. Figured Patsy was in my spot."

He tutted. "It wasn't fuckin' like that-"

"Bull shit!" I exclaimed. "I'm not that stupid!"

"C'mon, Tixie!" He whined. "Please don't be like this. Nothin' fuckin' happened between me and her. I only invited her last night 'cuz I knew she'd bring the good gear."

"Oh well that makes it all the more better!"

"Fuck off! I wouldn't cheat on ya. I like ya too much. Patsy's just jealous 'cuz she knows she can't have me, even though she brings me presents."

I shook my head as I let it sink in.

"I wanna go back to Manchester." I finally spoke again.

His eyes filled with fear and confusion. "What?" He asked.

"Life on the road's getting to be a bit too much for me. You guys'll be back in a few weeks. I'll go home and wait for you."

He looked like he was about to say something but didn't. He just sighed and then finally replied. "S'pose someone oughta go back and check on the flat."

Marcus arranged my transportation and I left just as the gig began. I didn't say goodbye to anyone in the band except Liam and figured it was probably good to leave well enough alone.

I called Kelly and Tony to let them know I was coming back. They were there to pick me up from the train station and offered me the spare bedroom at their flat.

"Are you okay?" Kelly asked as we sat up having tea after Tony had gone to bed.

"Yeah." I replied. "I just needed to get away for a bit."

I didn't tell her what happened with Noel. To be honest, I was feeling pretty regretful about sleeping with him. Not that I felt guilty or anything. I still didn't believe Liam when he said he didn't fuck Patsy. But things had gotten too weird at that point. Noel had gone from one end of the spectrum to the other so fast and I couldn't help wondering why.

And if it was really too good to be true.

Things were quiet around Manchester even with the buzz of Oasis fans. The band got a break for part of the summer before heading to Japan and everyone was excited for their return.

I tried not to discuss the band in front of Tony. He and I were still great friends and I wanted to keep it that way. He was a good guy regardless of what anyone thought.

A couple days passed and I still hadn't gone to Liam's flat. I was quite comfortable at Tony and Kelly's and they didn't mind at all.

They were both off work that day and it looked like it could possibly rain so we just stayed in and took care of stuff around the house. I helped Kelly with the dishes while Tony stayed in the living room watching TV.

Kelly and I chatted away until there came a pounding on the front door which upset their dog.

"Who could that be?" Kelly said as she dried a plate.

"I'll get it!" Tony yelled over the dog barking.

"JESUS CHRIST!"

I gasped as I recognized the voice and hurried to the front door. Tony just stood there silently watching it all transpire.

"Call your fuckin' dog off!" He cried as he wrapped his arm around the pole of the street light. "Please!"

But Tony didn't. He just watched as the dog kept barking and snapping, making her prey try to climb up the pole.

"Noel what the hell are you doing here?" I asked.

"Please!" He begged as he tried backing away from the dog while still clutching the lamp post. "Call off your fuckin'-"

"Alright Ginger! That's enough!" Tony screamed and the dog fell silent and turned around and walked towards him. "Take your bull shit elsewhere." He said to Noel.

"Come on." I told him as I waved at him. "Let's go to Liam's."

"Where'd ya learn to make tea so good?" Noel asked after he took a drink from the cup I made him.

"Your mother." I replied as I sat down across from him at the table.

He nodded. "She's good at tea, her. One a the best."

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be in Spain?"

"Not 'til tomorrow." He replied shaking his head. "And you're comin' with me."

"No I'm not." I said firmly.

"Yes ya are. You work for our management. You have no choice."

"Then sack me."

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What's the matter Addie?" He asked. "Why're ya-"

"We made a mistake." I cut him off.

"A mistake?!"

"Yeah. So I'd appreciate it if you'd just-"

"We didn't make a fuckin' mistake! We only did what we've been wantin' to do for fuckin' months now."

I rolled my eyes. "You are so full of yourself." I said.

"So what? Is that your way of sayin' you didn't wanna fuck me?" He asked.

"Well when you put it that way, yes. That is my way of saying I didn't want to fuck you!"

He sighed. "I didn't mean it like that-"

"Yes you did." I replied flatly. "You just wanted to see if you could put me under your thumb like all your other little flying monkeys."

He shook his head and tutted. "You really don't get it, do you?"

"Guess not."

He slammed his hands on the table. "I care more about you than he fuckin' does! I'm not the one that lies to ya or fucks around on ya! I...I love you Addie."

"What?" I said with shock overcoming my voice and mind.

He nodded. "It's true. I wouldn't tell you that if it wasn't-"

"Please leave."

"What?"

"Please leave!" I repeated. "I can't deal with this bull shit. You've got a gig to get to. Leave!"

"But-"

"Now!" I said as I pushed on his shoulder to get him to get up from the table.

"Can we please just talk about this?" He asked as we headed to the door. "Just give me five minutes-"

"You don't have five minutes! You have thousands of freakin' fans waiting for you in Spain and I'll be damned if you skip out on them because of me."

I pushed him out the door and he stood there on the sidewalk staring at me.

"You'll be waiting here for me when I get back?" He asked his voice sounding so innocent.

"You don't live in Manchester." I replied. I quickly slammed the door shut without waiting for his response.

I went to the living room and sat down on the couch. I expected him to come barging through the door again or at least knock on it but he never did.

I sighed at the realization I just shut him out of my life again...for another couple weeks at least.