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Father Christmas is Back (2021)

Movies like Father Christmas is Back are why people hate Christmas movies. Maybe it’s a British thing because over in North America? This comedy is about as hysterical as a pick-ax to the groin.

It’s hard to tell if the Christmas sisters - Caroline (Nathalie Cox), Joanna (Elizabeth Hurley), Paulina (Naomi Frederick), and Vicky (Talulah Riley) - would've grown up as friends, or if their father leaving 27 years ago is what caused them to become such radically different people that they constantly argue. As Caroline and her husband Peter (Kris Marshall) attempt to host a Christmas celebration at the family Yorkshire mansion, it couldn't get any worse... and then their father (Kelsey Grammer) and his new girlfriend (April Bowlby) show up.

As you meet these characters, you know you’re in for a lousy experience. Caroline is the kind of control freak whose obsession with “getting Christmas right” because daddy left should’ve prompted her husband and kids to get her some psychiatric help. She’s still more mentally sound than Paulina, who spent at least a decade writing a thesis on the Beatles. She’s so useless to the plot they could’ve exed her out and lost NOTHING. The oldest Christmas sister is Joanna, who constantly tries to convince everyone that she isn’t 40+. If her boyfriend had any brains he’d read between the lines. Finally, there’s Vicky, whom everyone falls just short of calling an ultra-slut. Generally, this is a very horny movie, which makes the PG-13 rating a death-knell. The only thing that could’ve made this ordeal interesting is an Elizabeth Hurley wardrobe malfunction - each of her scenes must've demanded a new roll of double-sided tape - or an actual payoff to the mention that “I can’t get any bars in this house!”. If writers Philippe Martinez and Mick Davis had any shred of mercy, they would’ve pulled a bait-and-switch. Father Christmas is Back would’ve started as the yearly holiday slurry no one can stand and then turned into a You’re Next-style home invasion movie with everyone brutally massacred.

The lack of any substantial plot makes this picture infuriating. It’s just people being quarreling for an eternity - and then dad shows up. Then, they keep at it, with extra snide remarks thrown from their uncle (played by John Cleese) to his brother, while their mum (Caroline Quentin) says NOTHING - a dead giveaway that there’s more to the story than we’ve been told. No one could relate to this, particularly when criminal offenses are committed. Except this tale takes place in an alternate universe where nothing matters so the plot (or lack thereof) just keeps chugging along, oblivious to the reality that’s being shattered by the constant lack of consequences.

I swear Father Christmas is Back aims to ruin your day on purpose. At one point, you think the conflict is over, that everything’s wrapped up… and then it keeps going. You’ve got another forty minutes to go. Please. Have mercy! Instead, more "comedic" emotional conflicts emerge; the kind that could’ve been settled decades ago with a 5-minute conversation. Father Christmas is Back will have you reach for the lights on strings so you can hang yourself. (December 20, 2021)