#Dumb dumb silly feller..

[ask-olive-huchers]

GUH

((The silly.))

[lolbutjustabit]

I’m on the athf discord server and everyone there loves your art I forgot to tell u that… one of them started freaking out because you liked their art on pintrest

HWFSGEGH OMG REALLY?? THATS SO COOL WHAT sending em all kisses mwah

[sapphic-storm69]

Just finished Gideon the ninth. What the fuck. Why did you guys just water this down to Lesbians. This was a whole ass murder mystery and y’all weren’t lying about the enemies bit. Like damn they hated each other for 89% of the book

[unoriginal-and-dumb]

I am doing things I AM DOING THINGS I AM!

Explanations for designs and some head canons below here :3

Infected - Asian-American Autistic ADHD aroace (😈) trans. Yknow Wybie from Coraline? Yea like that but like incredibly annoying. His voice sounds like it’s coming from a shitty mic all the time

Lampert (design by @lucid-daydreaming-art )- Autistic 🇸🇪 ja aroace (😈) funny lamp guy Robots-esque probably kinda talks like baymax honestly, I mean a bit different but yknow, the general idea

(I talk about these 2 enough it’s the others turns)

Poob - I think they are a dumb little critter. They run around and their arms flail in the wind like paper. When they try to clap is makes dog toy squeaking sounds. I don’t think they abide by the rules of physics which is why they are stupid looking ❤️ they have hammer space but it is only for weed related items. The curator of the forever weed brownie, if you will. I think they sound like X from bfb. Aroace (😈)

Pest - literally hates poob because they are small and annoying. Uhhh funky legs because I think he would have funky legs. I stole his eyes because well no real reason, but I think if he was like extra pissed you would see his eyes. Since he is like thief maxxing I do not think he would be wearing anything beyond a hoodie and sweatpants, something trying to be non-assuming I guess. He has hair I think but it is very short no way would he want to deal with that. I don’t have a voice hc for him yet. Aroace (😈)

Bive - she a freakkkkk ehhh. I think she is like freakishly tall, has funny bird legs, raggedy ass scrawny tail, and is constantly covered in hair. Her teeth are kinda just floating on her hair head, so if you punched her hard enough they would just go flying out and she would have to put them back into her head silly girl. I think she is also trans hahaahhahahahaha!!! I think she kinda sounds like ENA from dream bbq, the uhh angry side I believe. Ace (😈)

Split - I gave her dog ears because I think they are cute :) she’s probably like normal ish height Bive is just weirdly tall. She looks very nice and friendly but could probably throw a boulder at you and you will die sowyyyy. Gods most chillaxxed soldier. She gives me kind older lady feelings, even if she weren’t older. I dunno she would be like one of those people who have a comically large purse full of hard candy except it would all be banana flavored. I think she has a slower voice, HAVENT gotten an exact idea for her voice yet but she seems very calm. Ace (😈)

Pilby - I didn’t really add or change their design because I already liked it a lot. I think they are very sweet and kind looking, would make a great plush too but I guess we are not ready to talk about that (YES I am still bitter about it) I think being around them is akin to looking outside a window at an apple orchard while it’s raining a bit. I think they sound a bit like raggedy Anne, based on the creators response too. Aroace (😈)

Spud! - I honestly did not have much come to me for his design, they are just a bit of a funky feller and im not sure how I would add to it honestly. Oh but I do think that they run like an ostrich and it is very scary. Also while drawing I was debating why he had a bow and decided that Gnarpy was like CONGRATZ IN ZURVIVING THE TEZTZ and now Spud! Just has a stupid little yuor did it ribbon. Honestly no clue for voice hc… aroace (😈)

Gnarpy - had a lot of fun with xis design honestly. The redesign reminded me a lot of Stitch so I kinda just shoved that into xim. I think they act a lot like Zim. Like a lot. Probably equally as stupid. I think xis second arms are retractable, like stitch, and xe uses that as a very very shitty disguise that everyone can see right through but just don’t mention because xe seems to be having a good time. I think xe sounds like Four from BFB (the earlier episodes mostly) aroace (😈)

DRRETRO - I think that her head that we see in the game is like a projection of herself, Wagstaff Don’t Starve style. Her body would be like excruciatingly normal besides her head, too. Like go to the hospital and see a nurse, that’s just what she looks like. Very normal, it’s a bit unnerving since her head is that. She’s like those overly friendly posters in a very uncomfortable place type of feeling. She doesn’t have fur either, she’s just a weird cat doctor thing. She acts exactly like Doctor Barber from Flapjack. No voice hc, but she speaks in meows so probably just meowing. Aroace (😈)

Mark - I started thinking about tf2 and Anton blast. Anyway, he is completely made from wood other than the clothes. Beard is carved in, not sure if I got that across in the drawing though. Uh yea I don’t have much I just really like engineer. He wears flannel and a construction vest just like any good law avoiding construction worker. Definitely does not so legal things on his construction sites but does not give two shits about that and also probably would try to employ Lampert when he was younger for free workers (no im not projecting what are you talking about). How on the nose would it be to say he sounds like engineer because I just drew wooden engineer with a beard. Ace (😈)

Wallter - sorry wallter fans I had no ideas while drawing him. I dunno he’s big and he’s cement, so I kept him blocky. Urrrrr he has a can of grey stuff jingle jingle. He is the cement embodiment of that one tweet that’s like “nothing better than a glass of wine, except for maybe #men. #yep #imgay! He kinda seems like one of those lowkey scary bald gay guys who are nice but are also scary and still bald. He’s bald. No idea on voice maybe concrete sliding on asphalt for 10 hours. Ace (😈)

[aphnatasha]

to the surprise of absolutely nobody, i like another silly goofy dumb guy. this feller

HES JUST SOOO CUTE AND SILLY and i really really like him. shocker JDJDJSJHWR

HE LOOKS SO FAMILIAR WHERE HAVE I SEEN HIM BEFORE DHNDNF

dude he looks like such a sweet goofball! and hes absolutely bonkers about you btw

[edenmemes]

red dead redemption 2 starters

❝ in these books life seems so simple, but in reality… i can’t make head nor tail of it. ❞  ❝ listen to me. when the times comes, you gotta run and don’t look back. ❞ ❝ i ain’t afraid of dying. ❞ ❝ i’m still standing, which is an improvement on the last time you saw me. ❞ ❝ i still think about you. that was...that was quite a time. ❞ ❝ people don’t forget. nothing gets forgiven. ❞ ❝ your father would rather you did not do anything so foolish. ❞ ❝ forgiveness, well...it’s just an easy way of saying ‘i don’t care no more’. ❞ ❝ i know you like to hide behind the angry moron act, but it’s a thin enough veneer. ❞ ❝ when somebody doesn’t lie in this world and you don’t lie to them, then together you can achieve great things and destroy great powers. ❞ ❝ i remain a fool, and i’m sure i shall die a fool, but i’m trying very hard to be something like the man you deserve. ❞ ❝ i am always honest, maybe not always good, but i'm always honest. ❞ ❝ why you got that guilty look on your face? ❞ ❝ i trust i will not make a god awful fool of myself once more-- but somehow i imagine i shall. ❞ ❝ please don’t go to any trouble on my account. ❞ ❝ you ain’t gonna die. not yet. ❞ ❝ feels like things have changed...the whole world has changed. ❞ ❝ i feel like we haven’t spoken for days. ❞ ❝ we’re thieves in a world that don’t want us no more. ❞ ❝ we can’t change what’s done. we can only move on. ❞ ❝ just do one thing or the other. don’t try to be two people at once. ❞ ❝ we’re more ghosts than people. ❞ ❝ how can romance ever be silly? it’s all we have. ❞ ❝ vengeance is an idiot’s game. ❞ ❝ i don’t think we can go much further on the horses. ❞ ❝ i'm surprised we escaped at all. ❞ ❝ you’re...i was gonna say you’re like a son/daughter to me. ❞ ❝ you’re...i was gonna say you’re like a son/daughter to me...but you’re more than that. ❞ ❝ this is a new low, even by your standards. ❞ ❝ i do my utmost to avoid you. ❞ ❝ i thought the whole point was that this had nothing to do with you? ❞ ❝ i’m sorry to complain. it’s just so... ❞ ❝ i need you now...more than ever. ❞ ❝ face me to the west so i can watch the setting sun and remember all the fine times we had that way. ❞ ❝ do you ever miss home? must be hard, being so far away. ❞ ❝ you know, we’re gonna need to come up with a better story for that scar. ❞ ❝ there’s a good man within you...but he is wrestling a giant. ❞ ❝ you saved my life. you’re a good man. ❞ ❝ there’s only one of me. i don’t intend for them to know i’m coming. ❞ ❝ i thought you were trying to make me feel better. ❞ ❝ be loyal to what matters. ❞ ❝ you know, i don’t think i’ve ever seen you squeal before. ❞ ❝ i'm miserable. been a tough few days. ❞ ❝ i trust your judgement. always have. ❞ ❝ i'm just gonna...have a little sit down and...feel sorry for myself. ❞ ❝ i tried. in the end. i did. ❞ ❝ one day, folk will take orders from me...and trust me, it won’t be no laughing matter. ❞ ❝ here, take a drink of this. ❞ ❝ seems like there ain’t much else in this world except bastards, victims of bastards and the bastards who want to put the bastards in the ground. ❞ ❝ we’ll get off this mountain soon enough. ❞ ❝ i haven’t slept in three days. ❞ ❝ just thought you might’ve moved on by now. ❞ ❝ thanks for coming for me. ❞ ❝ you got sad eyes...like you’ve seen sad things. ❞ ❝ you always said revenge is a luxury we can’t afford. ❞ ❝ you don’t hire a saint to catch a sinner. ❞ ❝ you’re alive! oh, you’re alive! ❞ ❝ go. now. i’ll hold them off. ❞ ❝ are you okay? i mean you no harm. ❞ ❝ i'm nobody. ❞ ❝ what about you? you doubting me too? ❞ ❝ it’s enough to make a man drink. or worse. ❞ ❝ i knew not to trust, yet i had no choice. ❞ ❝ there ain’t no more time to talk. go. ❞ ❝ thank you, for your strength. it means a lot to me. ❞ ❝ firstly, we ain’t friends. don’t make no mistake on that subject. ❞ ❝ i'm so bored i’d rather be shot. ❞ ❝ it’ll mean a lot to me...please. ❞ ❝ you’re gonna sleep with your chest open if you ain’t careful. ❞ ❝ the bond we share, it’s the most real thing to me. i would kill for it, i would happily die for it... ❞ ❝ life is full of pain. but there is also love, and beauty. ❞ ❝ my pa used to say you stare into the fire long enough you can see the whole world pass by. ❞ ❝ whenever we happen to meet, you’re always helping people and smiling. ❞ ❝ do as you’re goddamn told. and shoot well. ❞ ❝ i guess he never outgrew his anger. kind of like you. ❞ ❝ some trees flourish, others die. some cattle grow strong, others are taken by wolves. some men are born rich enough and dumb enough to enjoy their lives. ain't nothing fair. you know that. ❞ ❝ you’re driven by powerful forces i scarcely understand. ❞ ❝ oh you fool. you sad, deluded fool. torn in two by different ideas of who you were, and it turns out you weren't neither of them. ❞ ❝ well, i think you’re as slippery as an eel in an oil slick, but still a man/woman. ❞ ❝ with you watching over me, i’d walk into hell itself. ❞ ❝ lack of something to feel important about is almost the greatest tragedy a man may have. ❞ ❝ when i was your age, i fought. i saw death. i have killed. ❞ ❝ i wish things were different. but it weren’t us who changed. ❞ ❝ nobody’s taking anything from me ever again. ❞ ❝ some jobs aren’t for saving and some legacies are for pissing on. ❞ ❝ you're my favorite parasite... no, wait, ringworm's my favorite parasite, you're my second-favorite parasite... i lied. ringworm, then, rats with the plague, then you. ❞ ❝ just leave it to me. i can talk a dog off a meat wagon. ❞ ❝ forgive me if i slip and stab you in the face. ❞ ❝ this place, ain’t no such thing as civilized. it’s man so in love with greed, that he has forgotten himself and found only appetites. ❞ ❝ shut up...you know, you’re not very nice to me. ❞ ❝ the amount of hell we’ve raised, we’re owed some back. ❞ ❝ i haven’t done anything wrong aside of not playing the games to your rules. ❞ ❝ don’t let yourself get killed...for pride. i’ve seen it kill too many folk. ❞ ❝ when you fall, there’ll be a party. ❞ ❝ every day i didn’t kill you, is a day i saved your life. ❞ ❝ i can’t kill them all silently so, when they chase me, you go the other way. ❞ ❝ does this seem like a good time for sarcasm to you? ❞ ❝ usually i’m worse than the wolves. ❞ ❝ i don’t have to be careful. i have you as a friend. ❞ ❝ i wish i had acquired wisdom at less of a price. ❞ ❝ they’re chasing us hard, because we represent everything they fear. ❞ ❝ you know all that mattered to me was loyalty? it was all i ever believed in. ❞ ❝ never thought i’d say this but...it’s good to see you. ❞ ❝ we’ve all lived bad lives. we all sin...but i know you. ❞ ❝ i kill people. and maybe i should’ve killed you. ❞ ❝ ain’t you a sorry sight? ❞ ❝ your job’s starting the fights, it ain’t winning them. ❞ ❝ some big, loud mouthed bastard tried to rob me when i was out riding so i... well, you know how it is. ❞ ❝ there ain’t no shame in looking for a better world. ❞ ❝ i can hunt, carry a knife, and use a gun. ❞   ❝ ...is it too late for us? ❞ ❝ if the purpose of life was to be liked...it would be very boring indeed. ❞ ❝ i’ve been running for as long as i can remember. ❞     ❝ they turned me into a monster. ❞   ❝ i always wondered if i was unlucky...but maybe i’m just not very good. ❞ ❝ don’t kill yourself over pride. i’ve seen it kill too many folks. ❞ ❝ sorry if i seem a little desperate. i am a little desperate. ❞ ❝ if anyone gets close to me, they’re wanted too. and i can’t have you wrapped up in that. ❞ ❝ there’s all kinds of nasty people who want to speak to you. ❞ ❝ they won’t hear anything about you from me. ❞ ❝ tell me about you, darling and armed to the teeth like that. ❞ ❝ i also...found out some unsettling news about you. ❞ ❝ i don’t know how to say it...thank you. ❞ ❝ you...don’t like me much, do you? ❞ ❝ i can’t lie to you. i’m a wanted man. ❞ ❝ that’s quite a scratch you got there. ❞ ❝ take a gamble that love exists, and do a loving act. ❞ ❝ i’m seeing things a lot more clearly now. ❞ ❝ where are you? can you hear me? ❞ ❝ i think someone saw some wolves, not far away. you should watch out. ❞ ❝ guess all i got now is doubt. doubts and scars. ❞ ❝ it wasn’t me who went and shot him. ❞ ❝ will you dance with me? ❞ ❝ i like you. you’ve got a kind face. ❞ ❝ i’m not a good man. not usually. ❞ ❝ there’s a lot i should’ve done and even more i shouldn’t have done. ❞ ❝ you are a compulsive liar. ❞ ❝ next time, i’ll slit your throat myself. ❞ ❝ as long as we get paid or you get shot, i’m happy. ❞ ❝ i'm not designed for this snow. ❞ ❝ you don’t get to live a bad life and have good things happen to you. ❞ ❝ shut up you silly man and kiss me. ❞ ❝ who made you the messiah of these poor souls you’ve led so horribly astray? ❞ ❝ maybe it’s a sign. try to do the good thing. ❞ ❝ how many times do i gotta bury you? ❞ ❝ you are the only feller who could get half of their brain eaten by wolves and end up more intelligent. ❞ ❝ five thousand dollars? for me? can i turn myself in? ❞ ❝ if you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging. ❞     ❝ we ain’t both gonna make it. ❞ ❝ i gave you all i had. i did. ❞ ❝ if we have to fight, we fight. If we have to run, we’ll run. if we must die, we’ll die. but…we’ll stay free. ❞ ❝ people call me lazy. i’m not lazy, just don’t like working. there’s a difference. ❞ ❝ i guess...i’m afraid. ❞ ❝ oh, i didn’t know i was talking to a lady. ❞ ❝ i don’t feel too good. ❞ ❝ you have finally lost your mind. ❞

[xtrashmammalstefx]

The Fairy Feller’s Master-Stroke (Joe Mazzello x Reader, SMUT!)

Part 16 of The Queen Repertoire

WARNINGS: Language, SMUT!

Notes: I have sinned dear father father I have sinned. 

I was beyond frustrated at this point.

I was originally hired on as a movement coach for Joe Mazzello (not that he needed it much; the man is exceptionally talented at the Disco Deaky way of performing). I worked with him; tweaking his movements/bass playing to perfection when need be (which was hardly ever). That was when trouble started.

You see he got down John Deacon's movements so well it was torture.

I first notice the ache when he first practiced the number that involved him sliding his fingers up the neck of the bass. It made my heart skip and the look on his face did not help one bit. Then he played the chords to 'Another One Bites The Dust'. Never did I expect him to nail the way Deaky would arouse the audience with just his fingers.

Fairy Feller's Master-Stroke indeed!

I did my best to keep those feelings hidden and remain professional... but there was no fooling Rami. “Oh darling do us all a favor and shag the lads brains out already,” he said in full Freddie mode.

“Whatever gave you that idea Mr. Mercury?” I asked playing dumb for professionalism's sake.

“You've been damn near drooling over him for the last few days, love,” he said. “Especially when he's playing.”

“You're quite the sexy performer as well and you don't see me drooling over you now do you?” I asked.

“Only 'cause you're not that naughty of a minx to be turned on by two men instead of one,” he continued. “Besides he fancy's you just as much as you do him.”

“Wait. Really?”

He smiled at me. “I'm Freddie Mercury darling. I'm never wrong.”

Leave it to Rami to make my head spin. “Go do your vocal warm up then. You silly old Queen.” I smacked him playfully on the arse.

“Keep that up and we might have to make this a three way, love,” he teased  as he walked towards the front of the stage.

“Um did he just say three way?” I turned to see Joe standing in front of me. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

“Uh...just ignore him he...uh...he's just getting very into the role is all,” I said nervously.

“But there's no mention of a three way in the script,” he said looking at me curiously.

“Of course not then they'd have to make it R or possibly even X-Rated,” I said. “Besides they've re-written the script so many times who knows what was in the original.”

“Hey hey relax,” he said grabbing my hand. “I'm only teasing,” he smiled and my heart took off like Roger's drums. “Are you okay? You're trembling slightly.”

“Oh, I'm, uh, fine,” I said mentally shouting at my heart to calm itself.

“Am I...I dunno...making you nervous for some reason?” he stepped closer.

“Alright guys let's go through Radio Ga Ga and uh then we'll give Hammer To Fall a go,” Dexter said through his megaphone.

Joe and I looked at each other for a brief moment before I did the craziest thing. I placed my hand around his neck and pulled him down to my lips. It was brief but warm and very much unforgettable. I pulled back leaving Joe stunned. “Go show them your master-stroke my fairy feller.”

“Mr. Mazzello would care to join us?” Dexter asked snapping Joe out of his daze. He quickly darted to where his bass sat and picked it up.

The rest of the day went by in a blur. After work wrapped up for the day the lads went their separate ways to their trailers. Each of them had gotten sweaty and had earned themselves a nice warm shower.

“Can we talk?” I asked Joe as he made his way to his trailer.

“Uh yeah, mind waiting a few minutes though? I smell like ass,” he said.

“Sure,” I said following him into his trailer.

I stood there unsure what to do for what felt like forever. Joe stripped down behind a curtain and hopped into the shower. The thought of him...of what he looked like...of how his fingers moved today...it drove me mad all over again.

A part of me wondered if this is how Veronica felt each time before conceiving another child with Deaky. And I wondered what Freddie would've told her when she was in my situation; that first time Deaky made her want, or rather crave, more of him. Be bold, darling.

Yeah he would say that.

So I took a deep breath before ridding myself of my own clothes. I nervously walked over to the shower and let myself in.

“Y/N what are you—―—?” I cut him off with my mouth.

His lips were warm and undeniably frozen in place. I pulled back convinced I just royally fucked up. “Oh God...I am so sorry...um...forget I did anything.”

I started backing out of the shower covering my breasts and lady bits as well as I could. “No, wait, Y/N!” I turned around nervously. Joe approached me and moved my hands. “You're fucking stunning you know that?”

“Um, not really but...” It was his turn to cut me off  with his lips. He wrapped his arms around me and picked me up wrapping my legs around his waist. He pressed me against the shower wall. “Tell me...” he muttered. “Tell me what you want kitten.”

He put me down then and I took his hand in mine. Emboldened by that damn craving again I took his hand and placed it between my legs.

“Show me that master-stroke my fairy feller,” I whispered. He smirked and began moving his fingers. I moaned at the feeling. “God those fingers have been torturing me all day.”

“Oh really?” Joe smirked moving his fingers faster.

“FUCK!”

Before I knew it my whole body was tensing up. “Oh are you gonna cum for me kitten?”

I whimpered. “Y-Yes...FUCK!”

I tightened around his fingers covering them in my juices.

“That's a good kitten,” Joe whispered brushing his lips against mine. “Lemme know when you want more okay?”

I nodded and reached down wrapping my hand around his length. It was already hard and thick. I started to pump him which in turn made him hiss.

“Fuck you are so good at this kitten,” he groaned. “So fucking good.”

“Just tell me when to stop my Fairy Feller,” I said before kneeling down.

I kissed and  licked at the tip before taking all of him into my mouth. His body shuttered as I sucked on him.  Eventually it became way too much for him to handle and he gently pushed me away.

“If you keep going I'm gonna cum in your mouth kitten,” he said panting. “And there's no way I'm doing that without properly thanking you for that fucking amazing head session.”

He picked me up and wrapped my legs around his waist pressing me against the wall. He kissed me once more before slamming into me. “OH HOLY SHIT THAT'S TIGHT!” he gasped.

“FUCK!” I gasped at the same time.

After a moment he started thrusting into me. How he's been single this long astounds me. How his ex had the AUDACITY to cheat on him also fucking astounds me. Not only was he the sweetest man in the world but he was also mind-blowing at sex.

He held me tight against him as he moved, sucking at  my neck every now and then. I moaned and writhed as he hit the right spots. Suddenly he found a really good spot. “FUCK! JOEY!”

He groaned. “I love it when you moan my name kitten. Care to do it again?”

He thrust into the same spot. “Joey,” I moaned again and again as he kept hitting the same fucking spot. “JOEY!” I screamed tightening around him, my body trembling.

“Fuck! FUCK!” Joe tenses up and I feel him twitch inside me. He continued to moan as he came inside me. “I fucking love you, Y/N.”

“I...I love you too Joey,” I said pecking him on the lips. He let me down and we quickly washed up. Very tempted to go for round two.

We dried off, got dressed and stepped out of the trailer where we were greeted by Rami, Gwil, and Ben.

“Um hey we were just gonna go for drinks,” Gwil said. “And figured we wait for you two but...”

“You two took bloody forever in there,” Rami said still speaking like Freddie. “Now what was so important that you had to keep us waiting this long?”

“Oh, uh nothing,” I said. “I mean we're kind of dating now so...”

“Huh that explains why you're walking so funny,” Ben chuckled.

“Jealous?” I asked. He then grew a little awkward.

“Maybe,” he muttered.

“Well I guess you'll just have to join us next time,” I winked at him.

“Really?” he smirked.

“Nope,” Joe and I laughed and we continued on walking off the set with the others.

As we did I looked over and winked at Ben.

What can I say? Drummers frustrate me too.

Fairy dandy tickling the fancy of his lady friend The nymph in yellow "can we see the Master-Stroke"

Taglist: @okaykathryn​ @fairestkillerqueenofall​ @onceuponadetectivedemigod​ @boherahpsody​ @thebohemianpenguin​ @ihatethespacebars​ @madsthegroupie​ @rose-de-jaune​ @xxkellsvixen19xx​ @valeriecarolinaw​ @5sos-wdw​ @hearttshapeddboxx​ @spicyarreagaa​ @fluffffffffffff​ @pleasingiswhatweaimfor​ @hatemylifesofuckingmuch​ @painandpleasure86​ @haileynicoleseavey17​ @queenlover1997​ @rrogerrz​ @peachyywine​ @mrsmazzello​ @hannafuckingsucks​ @zwiezraczek​ @night-writer-writer​ @theborhapboysawakenedmywhatever​ @tinywildeace​

[shyeehaw]

i know that your requests are closed ! but maybe, when they’re open again, you could do something with bill ? fluff/smut/angst, whatever you like, i’m not difficult. maybe him realising his feelings for a fem!reader ? i love this man and there’s not enough content :( love your writings and love you 💕

Hey friend! They are not open yet but I love to write about different characters so I couldn’t help myself with this cute request 💕💚 Hope you enjoy it and thanks for your kind words!

Bill Williamson was not a man of fancy words. In fact, he didn’t know how to name the sudden urge to go grab a beer whenever you were helping Pearson, or the pressure he felt on his stomach when you passed him by. There wasn’t, especially, a name for how he felt about you.

The familiar anger rose when for the second time he missed the log being chopped. Stupid, silly man, he thought. Bill was angry at himself for messing up the simplest of tasks, for being unable to focus. There was no point denying that he couldn’t wait to go on guard duty. But why? Should he really risk getting close to someone who he only talked to a few times? Or was this another way that people around there would make fun of him?

He was thinking way too much about this, about you, and Bill was not happy about it. Why feed such dumb hopes? When it was clear no one paid attention to the old fool he was. Resigning to his other duties, he walked towards Dutch’s tent, wishing for any job that would get his mind in the right place again.

“Bill, did you hear a word I just said, son?”

But his eyes were lingering somewhere else, and so was his mind.

“I, uh… No, sorry boss.”

“I said, we are leaving tomorrow. And we might not be back for a whole week, so pack your things and be ready.”, Dutch chewed on every syllable, frustrated for not being heard the first time.

Time never did make much sense to him. When he was angry and lost, day and night would mix together, time only being measured by the bottles he would empty.

Perhaps he didn’t value time back then, when days would all be the same, and there was nothing to look forward to. But now, that was different. He would walk slowly back to camp, so in a strike of luck, maybe coincidence, every day your paths would meet. He did not think much about it, until your hand brushed against his as he handed you the rifle… now? It was all he waited for.

Your smile was one to get Bill wishing he was the reason behind it. Just by seeing it, his day was better somehow. From afar, you waved at Bill, who waved back for a moment too long, he believed.

“Hey, Bill! Tired yet of guard duty?”, you ask.

“Not really, but I gotta go, Dutch needs me.”, he says, darting his eyes away.

Being chose by Dutch, needed even, was once the thing Bill most wished for.

Not anymore.

“Oh? What are you boys doing?”

Even if he was fooling his own self, you sounded so genuine and interested in the things he had to say. When everyone else ignored him, you were the only one to see Bill.

“We gotta watch some feller’s house, make sure it’s empty for now. Gonna be there for a week or so.”

“A week? I’m going to miss my guard duty partner.”, you said with a giggle.

Unable to move, his chest got a bit warm, an unexpected feeling resurging. He dared to allow his gaze to meet yours, cursing how much of a fool he was for getting this flustered.

“So… mind handing me the rifle?”

Your fingers brushed against his, softly. For a brief moment, Bill knew exactly how to name that feeling.

[landoflewdlassies]

Maybell, is it true that you enjoy going into bars without a top on?

"No, of course not! I'm not some kinda silly dumb bimbo! Besides, you fellers already drool from the mouth seein' me and my 'gallons of milk' as they've been so affectionately called, pardner!"

[jodiwalker]

The Best Things Happening on Game of Thrones Right Now

If the current season of Game of Thrones is fan service, then consider me — a fan — serviced, and sign me up, baby. We've been through the hard stuff, we deserve this. This series has finally broken through the stratosphere of TV criticism and into the land of pure joy where Arya can be both a raging lil' sociopath and a beloved protagonist.

So this is neither a review nor a recap, a critique nor a thoughtful analysis influenced by my superior status as a "book-reader." Instead, it is the most advanced of all literary art forms: a list of I've been tickled by in the first two episodes of season 7. The best things happening on Game of Thrones right now definitively are:

Very Silly Reveals That Are Supposed to Change the Game (of Thrones) But Are Kind of Just Really Obvious Solutions

1. There's a Shit Ton of Dragon Glass at…Dragonstone

Of all the things I expected out of this season—reunions, rifts, Cersei dramatically guzzling wine, Arya masked-murderin', Dany sittin' on thrones, hopefully the glorious return of Gendry's biceps—I never anticipated quite this much focus on igneous rocks. Jon Stark's laser focus on digging up dragon glass is starting to sound like a Goop newsletter, and it's not that I wouldn't subscribe (imagine: the fur recs! the tips for sultry lashes! the straightforward syntax without any annoying exclamation points!), it's just all a little more plainly sated than I expected. Jon calls, like, eight Big Chamber Meetings to tell all the Northern elders, plus Lil' Lyanna Mormont that their number one priority is to find dragon glass because it's the only thing they can create weapons out of in mass to kill white walkers. Those meetings go a little something like this:

Jon: How are we gonna kill white walkers?!

Northerners: DRAGONGLASS!

Jon: And where are we gonna find it?!

Sam, from Oldtown: AT—AND YOU'RE REALLY NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS—DRAGONSTONE!

[Ed. note: I've edited out the regular interruptions from Sansa that give me extreme conflicting emotional anxiety, but we'll get to those later in the "So You're Co-Ruling with Your Half-Sister Who's Actually Your Cousin and She's Recently Developed a Mind of Her Own After Surviving Extreme Trauma" section.]

Sending Sam to Oldtown to train as a maester is like the coconut oil/Franks RedHot of Westeros: that shit works on everything. At the Citadel, Sam begins scooping soup, souping poop (in a scene I would have exchanged for an hour-long loop of gruesome murders), and most importantly, sneaking into the restricted section of the library like some sort of chubby lovechild between Voldemort and Harry Potter. He even gets shut down by Jim Broadbent (aka Archmaester Marwyn, absolutely killing the wise, gives-no-shits maester game) and sneaks in anyway. And what did Samwell find in the restricted section?

Well, Sam steals maybe five books and finds the exact answer he needs, plus one he didn't even know he should be looking for—more on that in a minute.

And you know what? That's kind of dumb and unrealistic, but Sam deserves this. He's had a tough life and his dad is a jerk that wanted to kill him and his brother is (well, used to be) the hot guy from Unreal, and everyone shits on him all the time even though he is legitimately the nicest person alive in their godforsaken, feces infested world — dude has earned finding the solution to saving mankind after exactly 10 minutes of cozy reading with his cute wildling life partner and their ageless baby.

So, Sam finds out (via a super lame picture that Jaime could have drawn with his strong hand) that there's a big ol' dragon glass mine at—you're not going to believe this—Dragonstone. All they've gotta do is dig it up. Well, and, y'know, get past Daenerys Targaryen, heir of Dragonstone who recently arrived on its sandy, glass-filled shores. And that other thing that Sam found?

2. The Cure for Greyscale is Just…Peeling Off the Greyscale

Well, no fucking shit, Sam.  I mean, listen, I know I was just singing the kid's praises, but it's pretty crazy to act like you just found the magical cure for Greyscale in your magical secret books when that cure is…peeling off the Greyscaled skin and then putting a bunch of medieval Neosporin on it. But whatever, it's really sweet that Sam wants to help Jorah Mormont so badly because of his affection for Lord Commander Mormont and is willing to flay him to save his life (and definitely give himself Greyscale with the way he's using those gloves). So go ahead, Sam, peel off that Greyscale in your secret Dr. Pimple sessions—your solution might be obvious, but at least it's not dumb, dumb, dumb…

3. The Dragon Feller That's Just…a Crossbow

So, John is concerned with defeating the white walkers because, y'know, strong moral fiber and a her survivor's guilt complex and all that. But Cersei is mainly concerned with defeating anyone who would try to take the Iron Throne from her that she didn't already blow up with magic fire. And that means she's got to look alive about the tiny blonde Targaryen heading her way who's bringing, along with her legitimate claim to the throne, her three big ass dragons that were, coincidentally, born from a magic fire.

It's going to take something big to defeat those dragons. Something magical. Something much more powerful than even wildfire. Something like…

A BIG ASS CROSSBOW, BABY! Yeah, that will be great for killing dragons — if the dragons are sitting still, 1,000 years old, and already dying peacefully of natural causes. It's okay, Qyburn. They can't all be skull-crushing Frankenzombies held together by Husky R' Us armor level ideas, buddy.

Arya and Her Whole Thing

I remember when How to Get Away With Murder premiered there were a bunch of think pieces that were all, Finally! A Female Anti-Hero for Us to Love Just Like All Those Dude Anti-Heroes We Loved on A&E and HBO! Of course, no one loved Viola Davis' anti-hero like they loved Walter White because people don’t like to love flawed women like they like to love flawed men (and the show's not as good, but Viola is). And so, when Arya gave the best revenge performance of all time at the top of the season 7 premiere, there were a bunch of (to be fair, legitimate) articles that were all Should We Really Be Rooting for Arya? Is Arya a Sociopath Now? Arya Sure Looked like She Wanted to Kill Ed Sheeran, an Innocent Soldier, Who We Will Tell You Later How WE'D Like to Kill, But for Different Totally Valid Reasons.

So let me just say, yes! Arya is a probably a semi-psychopathic now, and yes! We should be rooting for her. She is but a simple mercenary setting out to avenge the death of her loved ones using humble blood magic. Yes, she killed Walder Frey, and yes, she fed him to his sons, and yes she then skinned him and wore his face in order to poison all those sons who she had just fed a pie made out of their dad, but you know what she also did…spared the women who hadn’t done anything wrong except be born into that nasty family. And yes she maybe only spared them to have this bad ass parting line, delivered with just perfect level-headed menace by Maisy Williams: "When people ask you what happened here — tell them the North remembers. Tell them winter came for House Frey."

But she is Arya and I love her, and I support her in anything she does…unless she kills any of the characters I like, in which case I will have to write some think pieces.

Sibling Dramzzz: Stark Edition

And speaking of Starks you have to keep your eye on, Sansa and Jon are having kind of a hard time co-parenting the North, and that's probably because people just loooove putting Jon in charge, even though Sansa should kind of technically be in charge, the only problem is, that Sansa's so annoying. Now, Sansa has made large strides toward being less annoying. But for every two steps forward (occasionally telling Lord Baelish to go fuck himself, knowing about war, not being a moralizing idealist), she interrupts Jon six times in their council meetings and tells him how stupid he is.

And listen, I get it — I have siblings. No one knows you better, and no one knows they know you better. When someone acts like they understand you better than you understand yourself, and worse, they're probably right, it can be trying. When Sansa tells Jon that he's going to get his head chopped off like his virtuous father and brother before him, she's not necessarily, but she is annoying. In a made-up world with dragons and child-sacrifice and, like, constant incest that's often not very relatable, I find this Jon and Sansa stuff frustratingly relevant.

The complexity of familial bonds is a language that spans universes (I mean, I guess that's ignoring the thing I just said about near-constant incest), so when Sansa says just the right bratty thing — "Joffrey never let anyone question his decisions, do you think he was a good king?" — to set Jon off, or when Jon and Sansa get on the same page about something, then he immediately changes his mind and announces it at the dinner table, so she questions his decision in front of all their gossipy cousins…it's normal family stuff, just at much higher, head-chopping stakes.

My great fear is that the tentative but often sweet partnership these two eldest "children" of Ned Stark have formed will somehow be ruined by Littlefinger. So boyyyyyy was it gratifying when Jon choked his old ass out when he was all I wanted to fuck your step-mom and now I want to fuck your half-sister, just thought I'd tell you that right here in front of your dead dad's crypt. And mannnnn was it concerning when Sansa backed down from publicly challenging Jon about his decision to leave the North and sale to Dragonstone the moment she learned he was leaving her in charge of the North in his absence, then immediately looked to Littlefinger for…what? Approval? Guidance? Shared joy? None are great options.

Just get though this Jon and Sansa  — I promise you’ll be best friends when you’re adults!

Sibling Dramzzz: Greyjoy Edition

Yo, this family is Messed! Up! Theon jumped off a ship rather than risk saving his sister Yara from their super-pirate uncle who's now taking Yara, Ellaria, and the last remaining Sand Snake, Tyene as his gift to Cersei which will totally make her want to marry him so he can be king, I guess, and not just of his raggedy salt islands.

It will never not be distracting how much Euron looks like Pacey though. If Pacey had a run-in with an H&M clearance rack and the entire smoky eye section of Sephora.

Sibling Dramzzz: Lannister Edition

And speaking of Cersei's current romantic status: Jaime is giving her a looooot of side-eye because she's, y'know, terrible. But she is doing a really fun thing this season where she's constantly recapping how much she hates everyone while subconsciously remaining us how much everyone hates her in return. While roaming around her Etsy map of Westeros, Cersei tells Jaime: "Enemies to the east. Enemies to the south: Ellaria Sand and her brood of bitches. Enemies to the west: Olenna, the old cunt, another traitor. Enemies to the North: Ned Stark's bastard has been named King of the North, and that murdering whore Sansa stands beside him. Enemies everywhere, we're surrounded by traitors!"

Girl, anymore zingers and maybe a concluding paragraph, and they'll give you a byline at Vulture. It is my one true hope that Jaime will realize his sister is insane and kill her before she kills him or Tyrion.

Everything Lil' Lyanna Mormont Does

I don't care if it's Disney-Channel-level precocious, I don't care if they're just giving us more of what we want…actually, I do care. Give me more of what I want! And what I want is the Lil'est Lady of Bear Island repeatedly telling a bunch of giant grizzled dudes to STFU. "I don't plan on knitting by the fire while men fight for me," she says when it's proposed that girls should be trained to fight in the war to come. "I might be small and I might be a girl, but I am every bit as much a Northerner as you. And I don't need your permission to defend the North." Yes, my tiny queen! I don't know if they heard you in the back, but at this point in time, just about every major house in the realm is run by a woman And speaking of…

Jon and Dany Said Each Other's Names and Hopefully That Will All Be Fine

That's it, that's all I needed. Now they can either become best friends or fall in incestuous Targaryen love, there is no other option.

Images: HBO; BlondieTVJunkie/tumblr

[whotookcheesuschrist]

V-Twin Peaks , part 5 of 4

So, watched episode 9 through 16. Thoughts.

I think I finally figured out what the real problem with James Hurley’s character is: he barely ever expresses any emotions. Thus far the one time, the ONE TIME, he reacted to his environs in a way that felt genuine and dramatic was when he ended up being framed. Okay, maybe once before when he and Donna buried the necklace, but that’s a long time to wait for a character to showcase any traces of, I dunno, life. Beyond that, though, this latest plot thread was a little interesting in that we for once got to see James processing something in a way that at least in part wasn’t completely dumb. Problem is, though, that regardless of that, the entire plot thread felt very soap opera and in addition to that it makes me wonder how Donna can stand by James. The guy is pretty easily distracted with lady folk; if you can’t expect him to stand by you for two days without going after the first woman he feels any attraction to, dump his ass.

Now that I mentioned it, these last few episodes have felt less like Twin Peaks and more like Heartbeat. Don’t know if any of you Americans have heard of it, but it was a easlily-digested period crime drama that aired for almost twenty years on BBC. Was shown here in Norway quite often as well, and still has reruns.

Nadine is a little scary, but mostly it’s... It’s just too silly! I can’t take this seriously enough to feel much of anything about this. She so obviously isn’t really doing those things she does on the show.

Ed, I know this seems like a blessing, but keep in mind, Nadine isn’t mentally well. This CAN and WILL backfire.

...Okay, now I really, really, REALLY see why mom keeps dragging X-files into this. Gotta say, though, that’s such a typical role for him to have. Also, a little nice to see something a little different than-uh, just. Suit and tie. Though I wonder if that kinda thing would ever be acceptable within the FBI in any reality. ...then again, they let Dale Cooper be a part of it, so why not.

Heh, I see a little bit of the voice actor that was Miguel Ferrer when he imitated Gordon Cole. And on that note, I gotta say, this show has so many fun and interesting characters. Almost every time a character is introduced I am amused.

Speaking of federales... Wyndom Earle. Finally I can attach a face to the name. He’s more cartoony than I imagined, but I somehow doubt that he’ll stay that way.

...uhm... okay! The plot thickens even more in the Packard household. This is a little surprising, but I gotta say that this is perhaps THE most soap opera-reveal that I have ever seen.

Why am I not surprised that Ben Horne choose to be the Souh in the American civil war.

Audrey Horne, beware of them Jamed Deen-lookin’ fellers. I know that you already are, but beware, such handsome can be one’s downfall.

Why hello thar, David Warner! :D

Why good bye thar, David Warner. ):

Welp. uh... Josie Packard, I curseth thee to be a drawer knob! ...what?

Tune in next year for the thrilling (not-)conclusion?

[junker-town]

Grant Brisbee presents Grant Brisbee’s 10 favorite Grant Brisbee articles from 2017

A collection of the stories that I’d like you to remember at least once more.

I opened last year’s year-end review with a string of mewling complaints about how bad 2016 was. Buddy, I’m here from the future, and it can get worse. The catch phrase at the end of 2016 was “It can only go up from here!” The catch phrase at the end of 2017 is “as I fall deeper into the abyss, inching closer to a lonely death, know that I hated each and every one of you,” and boy if it doesn’t roll off the tongue. This isn’t going to get better. Stop pretending like the end of the calendar year is going to fix anything. We’re trapped. All of us. We’re going to start using each other for food soon, and I’m okay with t

Whoops, ha ha, got a little dark, anyway, 2017 was also a year in which I wrote a bunch of dumb baseball articles. Some of them I liked! The end of the year always seems like a fine time to share them with you, and it will help you forget about ... you know ... the other stuff. The everywhere things. Baseball is important because it makes you forget about what’s important, and I love it so.

Here are Grant Brisbee’s favorite Grant Brisbee articles of the year, presented by me, Grant Brisbee:

10. Mariners-Angels comeback

This is one of my favorite genres, where I methodically scrutinize a baseball game using grainy screenshots and the occasional GIF. That reads like sarcasm, but I’m absolutely serious. There’s something about diving into the minutiae of a single game and remembering that every foul ball is a hitter not doing his job as well as he wants, and that those are usually in front of every important hit. It will never fail to blow my mind.

This comeback was extra special because it happened against the Mariners, who had an absurd comeback of their own the previous year. They had earned this kind of pain.

I’m not sure about the rest of the pain the Mariners have accumulated, though. That probably exists because of something you did.

9. Defenestrating the Eric Thames hypocrisy

In which Jake Arrieta’s pitching coach hints that an out-of-nowhere success story must be dirty because he came out of nowhere. The pitching coach of Jake Arrieta, who arrived from Baltimore on a bus with a suitcase that had a hole in it and then became one of the best pitchers in baseball.

The pointless PED speculation was stupid then, and it’s stupid now. Sometimes it’s fun to get righteous. This was one of those times.

8. Bryce Harper vs. Hunter Strickland

By most accounts, Strickland is actually a sweet feller. Respected by his teammates, nice to the fans, et cetera. But he sure is a dingus on the mound sometimes. There was no reason for him to throw at Bryce Harper, but boys will be boys. And boys are complete jackasses. We just had a bunch of boys over for a holiday party, and we had paver stones flipped over, a pogo stick thrown into a tomato plant, and a chair that ended up on the roof. As the father of two sweet, perfect girls, these kinds of surprises completely foreign to me, and I must reiterate that boys are complete jackasses. Especially these two baseball boys.

Anyway, the fight was funny because Bryce Harper looked extraordinarily silly throwing his helmet into right field, and I can watch it all day.

7. We’ll miss you, intentional walks

I love dumb baseball stuff. Intentional walks gave us the potential for dumb baseball stuff. Now there’s less dumb baseball stuff. You should be offended, too.

This was written before having that feeling of “Wait, what just h ... oh, right, the walk thing” 50 times during the season. It was always annoying, and I’ll never get used to it. But at least we shaved six seconds off every other game.

6. The Oral History of Tom Brady on the Expos

I write a lot of dumb things, but there’s a special spot in my heart for the dumbest. This piece of historical fiction was certainly the dumbest, featuring a one-note joke that Tom Brady would have made the Expos a successful franchise and a baseball institution.

Except I had all sorts of fun writing it and sucking different characters into my story, like a shirtless Pat Burrell and Montreal’s most popular basketball hero, Kevin Durant. It’s dumb, but it’s already written, so you might as well get dumb along with me.

5. Game 2 of the World Series

I was so convinced that this was going to be the wildest baseball game I would see for a decade. People tried to tell me that Game 7 of the 2016 World Series was wilder, but that’s only because of the stakes inherent in a double-elimination game. Otherwise, that was a sloppy mess of a game with a couple of lead changes. A classic, to be sure. But it wasn’t like Game 2.

There was a fire outside of Dodger Stadium and the whole place smelled like ash. I can’t stress that enough, and it certainly added to the scene, especially when some dude jumped into the Astros bullpen. In retrospect, they probably should have let him throw a few pitches, just to gauge the arm speed.

It was a blast to watch and a blast to write, especially considering that it was going to be the wildest baseball game I would watch for at least 72 hours.

4. Game 5 of the World Series

HOME RUNS. They found shrapnel from this game in operating rooms eight miles away. It was a dumb abomination of a baseball game that we’ll be talking about for years. My favorite part might be remembering that it was once a calm, mellow game with Clayton Kershaw in complete control. Or it might be this:

When you hit the HR ball so hard it explodes on impact http://pic.twitter.com/DDDtJANBaw

— That Dude (@cjzer0) October 30, 2017

I think the national audience had to see a replay to pick up on the fact that the ball landed near the pyrotechnic display, but at the ballpark it was an immediate realization, and it was perfect. That game was baseball exploding. Here’s video proof.

3. Here comes the pizza’s 10th anniversary

I wasn’t a huge Here Comes the Pizza guy. I’d seen the video once or twice, but that was about it. Marc Normandin kept bugging me, though. “Hey, you gonna write about the anniversary?” “The anniversary of Here Comes the Pizza is coming up, you have plans?” So I dug into the video a little more.

And I came out of it a convert. Man, what a stupid and delightful moment in time that was captured perfectly by the perfect announcers to have describing it. A lot of stars had to line up for this moment.

There had to be a dude willing to throw his pizza at another human being, for example.

2. The Marlins are so weird, they ruined the thesis of this feature

The history of Miami baseball — before they had Major League Baseball, even — is strange and painful. I used the horribamazing home run sculpture as a metaphor for it, and I was proud of how it turned out.

The thesis was this: Miami baseball is about to stop being strange and painful because new owners are coming, and they’ll realize how stupid it is to put this city through another painful, PR disaster of a rebuild.

Welp.

Still, a lot of the other points hold. Kind of. I mean, if you squint.

1. The Astros were the perfect team for Houston

This feature came after the first two games of the ALDS, when we weren’t sure if the Astros were going to last more than a few days in the postseason. If I had it to do over again, it would have been something that was published after Game 7, but there was no way to know.

In retrospect, there probably should have been a way to know. This team was special, and I loved following them. The Yuli Gurriel dumbassery took a litle sheen off the perfect story, but there’s still a lot to love about the composition and timing of this team. I loved the moment George Springer, the Connecticut-born son of Panamanian and Puerto Rican immigrants, took the field with a gigantic Texas flag before Game 1 of the ALDS, exhorting the crowd and helping them forget about the pain that was all around them. It was incredibly Houston, a mish-mash of circumstances and realities that didn’t have to make sense, but ultimately did.

Houston is a strange, ugly, beautiful town that probably shouldn’t exist. This team was perfect for them.

Bonus: My favorite headlines from 2017

7. 3 questions about the Cubs coach who is dressed as a Juggalo lawyer

6. Pantless ruffian interrupts Giants-Brewers game, gets beans mashed into infield dirt

5. No, that Cubs player wasn’t flipping off the President of the United States

4. Aaron Judge was doubled off first and called out, but then he was safe after video review, but then he was about to be called out on appeal, so he was thrown trying to steal second, look, just take our word for it

3. Michael Jordan was more denim than man in 1993, and these pictures prove it

2. The Oakland A’s Twitter account told Wendy’s that its hamburgers cause diarrhea

1. Jeffrey Loria reportedly has agreement to sell Miami Marlins

Happy New Year, everybody! It probably won’t get better, but at least baseball will be as silly as ever, and we can use it to ignore everything. It’s as good a plan as any.

[phillipcole]

Post-AGT Appearance 784: Scott Shannon in the Morning April 3

My songs would be 7, 19, 31 and 38 with only the John Williams Medley rising.  As I prepared for the weekly visit with Scott Shannon I would learn of a death among my personal acquaintance, a relationship too remote to mention publicly but it would have a subduing affect on me during the interview.

Shannon: That was the John Williams Medley of course, one of Phil Cole’s many adaptations of famous songs into campaign songs for his wife’s cousin Avonelle Hector Joseph of Trinidad and Tobago, and why did we play this song this week Phil?

PBC: Because at the moment it’s the only one moving in the right direction.

Shannon: Bad week on the charts, Phil?

PBC: My Homeland is stuck at 7 and the ones above it aren’t budging.  My other duet with Celine Dion slipped back to 31 and Vote for Av has dropped to 38, so it may  be leaving the chart.

Shannon: That one was successful before the album was released, right?

PBC: Yes, it almost made it to the top.

Shannon: Why do you think the new Celine duet Please vote for Avonelle isn’t catching on?

PBC: Maybe it was too soon behind my Homeland, dividing the Canadian vote ha ha.

Shannon: Ha ha ha very funny.  So what’s next another duet?

PBC: There are 3 more left but everything’s in limbo.  We can’t release another now with 4 still on the charts.  However if we wait too long the whole feeling might fade.  I can’t even start a tour because it might be interrupted for a binge on the next duet.

Shannon: And speculation is running high about your next mystery duet.  

PBC: Yes.

Shannon: And did you know there’s some kind of online poll going about the last name on Phillip’s sick list?

PBC: Yes, I’ve seen that and boy is it dumb.

Shannon: A lot of bad guesses?

PBC: There are people on that list who are on the original revealed list!  What do they think?  O.J. Simpson is so bad it makes him sick twice?

Shannon: Ha ha ha.

PBC: Well, I won’t honor that silliness with any more comments.

Shannon: And was that Norbert routine on Conan the one you were going to play here weeks ago?

Norbert: Just about heh heh, they changed a few things heh heh.

Shannon: Very well done.  We played some of it on Friday’s show.

Norbert: Thank you heh heh.

Shannon: And do you have something for us today?

PBC: Yes, we’re going to eliminate one major suspect from Phillip’s list.

Shannon: Major suspect?

PBC: Yes, this is a big one that we all hate but he’s not the one that makes Phillip sick.

Shannon: And that would be....

PBC: Woody Allen!  Start us off granpa.

102-Year-Old: I don’t care much what these men do in their personal lives, but as Woody Allen got old he didn’t retire.  He still makes a movie almost every year and the older he gets the worse the movies get.  That hurts me with the ladies when I try to tell them men improve with age.

Shannon: Ah ah, a new reason to hate Woody.

Norbert: I hate Woody Allen not because he married his daughter, but because he married a young woman when he was getting old, and that’s one more woman I can’t get a chance at heh heh.

Rupert: I hate Woody Allen because of his preoccupation with the NAZIs.  He was in America while my poor family was in England dodging bombs and all over Africa and Europe dodging bullets from those men.  He has no right to complain.

Shannon: Well put.

Cole: I hate Woody Allen on accounta there are never any good southern boys and gals in his movies.  All he’s got are New York Jews and gentile-men doin’ things us southern boys don’t understand and actin’ like we’re dumb just cause we don’t know about bagels and that rancid whippped cream they put on ‘em.

Brad: I don’t like Woody Allen on accounta he’s too complicated.  I don’t like to pay attention to who these stars marry, unless I want their wives and I never wanted any of his there women.  So I like to keep it simple: get married, get divorced, find another woman, get married, get divorced and maybe quit after 3 strikes, maybe 4.  A feller gets a foul ball once in a while too ya know.  Anyhow I thought he married Mi Afro...

PBC: That’s Mia Farrow!

Brad: Whatever!  He didn’t.  Then I thought he married his daughter.  He didn’t.  Then I thought he married his stepdaughter.  He didn’t!  It turns out he never married Mi Afro.

PBC: Mia Farrow!

Brad: Whatever!  They had a kid but not until they broke up.  That Young Mi Afro.

PBC: Soon-Yi!

Brad: Yeah, I’ll be done soon, where was I.  That was Mi Afro’s adopted kid but not his adopted kid.  He adopted 2 other kids with her.  What kinda stupid law lets a feller do that?  So when he dumped Mi Afro...

PBC: Mia Farrow.

Brad: She really shoulda married him.  Mia Allan’s a much nicer name.  Anyhow after all that it weren’t much diff’rent from leavin’ yer gal for her best friend and most of us would do that a time or 2, so he ain’t that bad after all, but I still don’t like him on accounta it’s too complicated.

PBC: And I don’t like him because he’s suing me for Norbert, like I couldn’t have created a character that’s one seventh of my real self without watching Bananas and Sleeper 7 times each!  Guess what!  My favorite Woody Allen film is still Casino Royale, and that’s the one he didn’t write!  I’m also mad because on a blind date once I went to see Crimes and Misdemeaners and casually said “You can’t go wrong with Woody.”  Oh how I’d love to replay that night differently!  Most of all after most of his fans left him for what he did he didn’t retire, didn’t fade out of sight, made a movie about what happened and basically gave Bill Clinton a free pass because he didn’t dump Hillary for Lewinski!  

Norbert: Yeah, and he made that movie about Nosferatu, which I would have loved if anyone else made it!

Shannon: Is that it?

PBC: Close enough.

Shannon: That was Phillip and Cole’s variety Team.  Stay tuned.