#Don't go off your meds kids. At least not without a plan

[wanderingandfound]

There's this thing, with chronic illness. You go years of your life thinking it's normal, that everybody feels the way you do. And then life convinces you that no, this is not normal. So you go years seeing doctors trying to find a diagnosis. And then you get one! And now you spend at least six months, but maybe years, trying to find the right treatment plan.

But at the end of the day you still feel sick. You are still in pain. You are still exhausted.

But it's better now, right? Or so you think. Life is still so hard but you think it used to be harder before (but you were also younger then, and had less responsibilities).

And sometimes you forget your medicine for a day, or you run out, or you are not up for the other requirements that you need to meet to take the medicine so you just don't. And things are fine.

And then sometimes you don't take your medicine for two weeks. Because you "forgot" (but really you were curious if it actually did anything). Or because you changed insurance and they don't want to cover it, and so you run out indefinitely.

And now the nausea is back full-force. Or the pain. Or the exhaustion. And you can barely stand. You're shaking so much you have to call someone to pick you up. You sleep for so many more hours and still fall asleep at work.

And you wonder how the fuck did you live like this for years and years and years?

[f1-birb]

14 for Mick/Lando <3

Tweaked this slightly to send me a ship and I'II tell you:

1. Which one is the better cook

Mick. Lando can cook very basic things, like fried egg on toast, a pizza in the oven, those packet rices that take two minutes in the microwave, but Mick is much happier in the kitchen and while he's no chef, he can whip up some nice meals for meal prepping since they both work shifts

2. What their love letters look like

Lando's very blunt, he doesn't wax poetry but he is very free and open with "love you" and "miss you" and he often sends Mick pictures or memes that he thinks he'll like or just because he was thinking about Mick when he saw it

Mick's a little more eloquent, his texts tend to be longer and a bit more flowery, but the underlying point is much the same as Lando's - "I love you", "saw this and thought of you", "can't wait to see you once you're off your shift" - they both definitely lean more towards actions over words

3. What they do on date night

It's difficult for them to properly plan date nights, they both work weird shift patterns and either could be called in on short notice, so they try to keep on top of schedules as much as possible so when the stars align and they both have time off at the same time they can do something. They like activities and they're very competitive, so things like bowling or mini-golf or go-karting are fun for them. They're both also just as happy stopping in and ordering in food, making a cozy blanket nest and snuggling while watching a movie

4. How many kids they'll have

Lando's an only child and Mick's one of two, so they agree that if they have kids they'd like at least two, but Mick would like three

5. How they decorated their bedroom

They don't live together yet, but Lando's at Mick's more nights than not when he's not on shift, so hints of Lando have definitely made their way into Mick's spaces. Mick has a fairly neutral room, soft grey walls and carpet, and a not quite navy feature in an alcove. The curtains are navy and so is the bedding, and the rest of the furniture (bedside tables, wardrobe, chest of drawers) is a darker grey. The wardrobe has a full length mirror as one of the doors, and Mick has some shelves up to hold books and knickknacks. He cleared some spaces for Lando's things both on the shelves and in drawers/the wardrobe, but his favourite thing is how Lando without fail lines up their slippers next to one another in front of the wardrobe

6. Which one is the worse driver

Neither of them are bad drivers but both will argue that they're better

7. What they argue about

it's either extremely serious discussions or bickering over the stupidest of things. They had a very serious conversation about perceived reckless behaviour on the job (on several occasions this has had to happen, for both of them) but they've also had arguments over video games, household chores and one time Lando was incredibly offended over the way Mick chose to eat his KitKat

8. Which one swears more

Lando, it's an unfortunate effect of practically growing up at the station. Mick rarely swears because he gets a disappointed look from Seb, he only does on occasion, like when he's really angry or upset

9. What their first impression was of each other

The first time they meet, Lando's just been given some heavy duty painkillers that take a while to kick in. Mick thinks Lando is cute but the main focus is doing his job and taking Lando's statement. Once that's done, and the meds kick in, he thinks Lando's attempts at flirting are incredibly endearing

Lando thinks Mick's very attractive but he knows and hopes that the meds don't take away his brain to mouth filter once they kick in. Again, initially everything is very professional, and then the statement is done and noted down and the meds loosen the grip he has on not saying something dumb

10. What they do for their anniversary

Mick surprises Lando with a trip away, it's nothing fancy since he knows Lando doesn't like too much fuss, so he books them into a little cottage by the seaside with some nice coastal walks and pubs, ice cream places and some activities they'd do as date night. He also makes sure the cottage has a garden and he's delighted to find they also have a hammock

Lando surprises Mick with a present which they'd agreed they weren't doing, but while they're sitting on the beach watching the sunset, he gives Mick a chain that has a little disk with the station number on it. It matches the one they all wear, and Mick could cry when Lando says it's because Mick will always have a place with them, and it means Lando will always try to come back, because the station is home and now so is Mick

11. What nicknames they call each other

Lando will call him Mick, Mickolas, babe or shnuckums to be annoying

Mick calls Lando Lan, baby, schatz and on occasion when talking about Lando to their friends 'my feral little gremlin'

12. What they would change about each other

Sappy as it sounds, they really wouldn't change much at all. Lando is still longing for the day Mick just snaps and goes off at an asshole instead of somehow managing to be polite all the time, and Mick wishes Lando could be a little less self-critical

I've taken a couple out (one purely because it was too sad to think about) and I've done this as firehouse au, hope that's okay 😅

[1d1195]

A PENNY?!?! Sam literally how?! AND FOR JEANS?! but you know what I would try to achieve that high again too lol But yay for shopping! Hope you got some lovely stuff bestie!

Dealing with teens all day for the entire work week is CRAZY so I dont blame you for having constant headaches lol oddly enough my brother is the one that suffers from headaches lol Oh hormones for sure cause the stomach to be wack which is so unfair! this period will NOT affect you on your break!! A period is never fun but hope youre taking care of yourself!

ME TOO!!! I do not fit in those flared/bell bottom jeans thats trendy now which is tragic solely because that's all i ever see in stores!?! Im also not even close to being considered tall or petite and those just make me look so off too bahah So skinny jeans for me have always been the option where although not the best option, they are the lesser evil of jeans lol

AWW that's so cute! Little Sam was such an icon for that!(you still are obvi) You should for sure should revisit the marry janes for the fall!!! I am waiting for that day too! Sam I don't think you know how much of a HATER i am of electric scooters, i am fighting a battle everyday trying not to get killed by them on campus 😭 But I love that coleege was walkable for you! It must have been nice getting to know the area well!

I had a feeling you played softball at least! Idk if my mind was just projecting the Made to be Universe/storyline but softball seemed like something you would have done/enjoyed! But omg you were like a full on athlete?! That's so cool! Not the injuries of course but the rest is!

I tense up so quickly because im very awkward about my feelings😭SAM THERE HAD TO BE MANY THAT FOUND YOU HOT! i kid you not being smart is SO attractive! Plus a cute girly who is GOOD at math in a typically guy dominated field!? The puns seem like a very you thing and i love that honestly! I think its so cute when people do that!

ALSO THAT POLL😭 bestie I cant choose😭I need them ALL! I spent a good minute thinking about my vote lol very excited though!

Have such a lovely start to your break Sam! love you!-💜

If there is a coupon I will find it lol. I can't tell you how many times I've signed up for American Eagle text messages and then unsubscribed just to get 15% off every time. I think I had a crazy reward and then the jeans were already on sale. I'm pretty sure they have to charge you something in order for the sale to go through so I think they HAD to charge me something.

I'm already enjoying my break actually despite my period. Thank God for Midol tbh I think I would die without it. My body is very clockwork so after cramps for a FUN 24 hours it's usually much more manageable. I HAVE to take meds though even if I don't feel crampy right away. The second my body realizes I'm on my period it's like "TIME FOR CRAMPS" and again, if I don't take the meds right away I get behind the pain and I am FUCKED for the remainder of the 24 hours.

I am trying to relax as much as possible because May and June are going to be crazy with senior prom/graduation and stuff. Plus I've outsourced myself as well for lots of other projects 🙃 I really need to learn to say no (time to reread Dolcezza) But I plan on finishing this book I'm reading (I haven't done very well reading lately, but I'm telling myself it's okay because it's not a race and I read a lot early on.) I do have to do some lesson planning but I actually enjoy that because I find math soothing like a psychopath hahahahaha

That's amazing you like skinny jeans. I feel so ostracized sometimes when it comes to my jeans choices. All my friends and coworkers have moved on with the trends and I'm still in 2013/2014/2015/2016 hahaha. VERY controversial: I actually really like jeans. I always by jegging jeans so they're super stretchy and comfy. Obviously if I can wear leggings I will hahahaha.

I'm crying about the electric scooter. You must be on a sizable campus to have electric scooters that's so funny. People drove their bikes/skateboards around campus a lot but no scooters. I loved the area my college was in (I actually live down the street from it in an apartment now because I love this area so much) it's very much the setting behind My Friend's Toyota hahaha

LOOK AT YOU MISS DETECTIVE HAHAHAHAHA I didn't even realize that about Made to Be that's so funny and true. I tried a bit of everything tbh. I did swimming (mostly so I wouldn't die growing up on the beach) and tennis lessons which I wasn't good at either but I really enjoyed anyway. I suck at ice skating (do you know how often you use your ankles for pretty much every sport? 🙃) and idk what it is about basketball but I may as well just sit in the middle of the court it would be less harmful to those around me.

OH BESTIE SAME HERE ABOUT FEELINGS. Everyone around me told me my bf liked me before we started dating and I was like "No he doesn't he thinks I'm gross" ☠ if they found me hot and attractive I kinda wish they told me! 😭 it's selfish but it would have done a nice boost to my ego. I was never the 'looked' at friend if you will. I called myself The DUFF™ all throughout middle and high school I really did a number on my self-esteem 😭 I am probably a little toxic when it comes to being a STEM girly lol because I tried so hard in high school and college to prove I was just as smart as the boys (sometimes more actually 😉)

For the poll it's just about the order which I think is kind of fun! I hope other people are enjoying it--I find it really helpful! I thought I did a lot of my more "obscure" stories on the last round of voting so I thought it would be nice to bring back some of the more popular series. I almost threw Protection on there too but thought it was too much (and too mean to make that decision) hahahaha

💕💕

xoxo

[whitewolfmoving]

Boston Burning Part Two

Explosion

Summary: Over breakfast, Nika recounts the events of the fire for Chris; afterwards, he reminds her that she is anything but useless.

Warnings: description of fire emergency, description of fire-related injuries, description of being trapped in a burning building, slight angst, description of non-sexual nakedness

Word Count: 2218

A/N: Chapter two is here! I had so much fun writing this chapter and developing Chris and Nika's relationship. For the sake of this part of the series, Chris and Nika's dynamic is just as important as Sebastian and Nika's dynamic. Happy reading!

Waking up in Boston the next morning was a breath of fresh air for Nika. While she couldn't get her mind off of the fact that she was out of work until her body healed, she had accepted the fact that she was pretty much on a paid vacation. And Chris had upgraded from his small studio apartment in downtown Boston to a fully furnished three-bedroom condo close to the firehouse since her last visit, so at least she wasn't putting him out.

It'd been days since she last talked to her brother, and Nika was more than content to continue her stay in Boston without his hovering. They had always been close, but Sebastian could be a bit overbearing at times, which was the last thing she needed right now. She wouldn't feel guilty for not checking in with him — she was a big girl,  she didn't have anything to feel guilty for...

The scent of fresh waffles wafted through the air, finally pulling Nika out of bed. She stretched, grabbed her hearing aids from the nightstand next to her bed and shoved them in the pocket of her pajama pants. No use putting them in before she was ready, sounds of the early morning were a little too  overwhelming for her and Chris knew sign anyway.

"Hey, there she is! Morning, Honeybee," Chris exclaimed once Nika had made her way downstairs. He pointed to his ear when she sat at the island across from him, she shook her head. He gave her a knowing smile. "I wondered when breakfast would get you out of bed."

"Not just any breakfast… I only get out of bed this early for your waffles." Nika laughed, stealing a strip of crispy bacon from the platter.

"How are you feeling? Sleep okay?" Leave it to Chris to make sure she was as comfortable as possible with her arm in a sling and bandages inhibiting movement even if it weren't.

She shrugged. "Slept okay for the most part, your guest bed is really comfortable. My wrist is sore but manageable, my shoulder and chest hurt more than I care to say."

Chris frowned. Nika was always an unstoppable, immovable force to be reckoned with; for her to admit to being in pain, even a little bit, things had to be worse than she'd originally let on. He took the last waffle off of the iron and set it on the platter with the others, then nodded to the dining table. "Go sit. I'll bring juice and your meds. Let's eat, then we'll see about relieving some of the discomfort on your chest and shoulder, okay?"

Nika had to hand it to him, Chris's hovering was much different than Sebastian's. Her brother often forgot that she was a grown woman who could take care of herself, that she didn't need him constantly looking out for her every second of the day like he had when they were kids. But Chris opted for a more hands off approach to everything — unless she outright stated that she needed help, he let her do her own thing for the most part. Coming to Boston was definitely the right choice.

As they sat down at the table, Nika slipped both hearing aids in and turned them on, setting the volume lower than usual since it would just be her and Chris. She took a deep breath and sighed, adjusting first thing was always the worst part. Once the ringing in her ears died down to where it was bearable, she smiled up at him.

"Why do you always make waffles and bacon my first day here?" she asked, dragging a strip of bacon through the syrup on her plate and plopping it in her mouth.

"Why do you always defile my prize-winning bacon like that?" Chris countered, scrunching his nose up in mock disgust.

"Because you make that face right there," she said, giggling around a mouthful of warm waffles.

"Because you smile that smile right there," he replied sincerely.

They'd had that conversation a billion and one times before, and each time their answers were the same.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Chris waved to get her attention. The distant look in her eyes told him that she'd been somewhere else, and he could already guess where. He poured a glass of orange juice and handed it over to her along with the medication she needed to take that morning.

"Do you wanna tell me about it?"

"Would you believe me if I said I don't?"

"Nope. You forget I know you just as well as Seb does. So, come on, out with it."

Nika exhaled deeply. "Dispatch routed Squad, Truck, and Engine to a four-story house fire on Main. By the time we got there, you just knew we only had enough time to get everyone out before the flash. Mackie and Nova went to vent the back and clear downstairs, I went up to the top. The main floor was clear, the second floor had two. Mackie got them out and I kept going to the third floor, it was also clear. Finally reached the top floor and called out, the smoke is so thick by this point that I can't see not two feet in front of me."

"Why didn't you wait for Mack or Seb?" Chris asked. He could tell where the story was headed before Nika had even started speaking again; a burning desire to kick the ass of whoever had done this to her welled up in his veins, but he held it at bay so she could finish.

"Sebastian was off for the night. We had to clear the building before the ceiling came down, Chris. What else was I supposed to do?" She wished he wouldn't look at her like that. She swallowed past the lump in her throat and continued. "I cleared the front bedrooms, the nursery, the bathroom. I kept calling out but no one responded. I made it all the way down the hall, the heat was unbearable, the smoke was dark and bitter. I could see just enough, and I only had one more room to clear when Chief Jackson made the call to evacuate, saying it was gonna come down. You don't have to tell me twice, you know? Me and Bas have been in enough flashovers to know when to get the hell out of Dodge.

I turned to leave, head back the way I came when the door to my left burst open. A body landed on top of me out of nowhere. He just kept shouting at me, saying someone had to pay for ruining his plan and that it was my lucky day. I kept trying to get him off of me but he wouldn't budge, he just kept looking up at the burning ceiling and counting down. He grabbed my helmet, my mask… I couldn't breathe, I couldn't call for help."

Chris reached across the table and took Nika's hand in his, giving her an encouraging squeeze. There was so much he wanted to say, but the words wouldn't come.

"The only thing I remember before waking up in the hospital is the whole thing coming down on top of me. I blinked and the guy wasn't there anymore; it was just me, alone, under piles of burning debris. I could feel the flames eating through my gear, burning away my skin. And I couldn't do anything except lay there helpless. Just before I blacked out I heard Bas calling me."

"What did he say?"

"What he always says whenever I'm too far away, Întoarce-te la mine, Micuță. And then I woke up in the hospital with a broken wrist and second-degree burns on my shoulder and across half of my chest. If anything else happened between the house coming down and me waking up in the hospital, I don't know."

Chris's fingers opened and closed around Nika's. He didn't have the words to express the mix of emotions running through his body, all he knew was that he wanted to get his hands on the man from the fire and make sure he didn't get to walk away again. He blew out a long breath and looked across the table at her.

"You can stay here for as long as you need to," he offered.

Nika stood, awkwardly clearing the empty plates from the table with one hand. "Thanks. But I don't know how to do this. I'm a firefighter, I don't know how to just be a regular person. Right now, I'm completely useless."

Chris couldn't believe what he was hearing. The pain etched on her face and laced in her voice was unbearable. He wanted nothing more than to take it away, and give her back that sense of purpose she always found in her career, but how could he? Until she'd fully healed, there was nothing anyone could really do. He couldn't imagine the thoughts going through her head.

He took the plates from her hand and set them in the sink, then led her from the kitchen to the bathroom. He may not have been able to change what happened, but he could help her relax.

"What are you doing?" Exhaustion settled deep within Nika's bones. It'd been the first time she'd told anyone what all she remembered from the fire, and she couldn't help feeling like she had screwed up somehow. Why else would someone have been able to get the jump on her so easily? Why else would she have gone down without a fight?

Chris stepped up behind her, positioned her in front of the mirror, and gently pulled her hearing aids from her ears. When she protested, he held his hands up signaling her to wait.

"The woman standing in front of me is far from useless." He grabbed the hem of the t-shirt she'd worn to bed, gently lifted it over her head and carefully pulled it from her injured arm. The unsightly bandages stuck out on her chest like a sore thumb, and he watched as she wrinkled her nose at her reflection in the mirror.

He slowly pulled the bandages away, the skin underneath was raw and bruised. She stood before him half-naked, a look of annoyance clouding her amber eyes.

Chris gently washed over the back of her shoulder and across the right side of her chest with warm water, careful not to agitate the wound too much. Nika's skin was warm to the touch, he often said it was because she had fire in her veins. He looked at her in the mirror as he rinsed the soap from her chest. "She's strong, she's courageous, she's stubborn, she's wild, she's a total badass."

Nika snorted, rolling her eyes. The burn would leave behind scarring along her collarbone, breast, and shoulder blade. Nothing about her currently seemed anything like what Chris had described. "Don't be stupid, Evans."

"I'm serious." Chris used a clean piece of gauze to pat the area on her chest and shoulder dry before bandaging it up again. He moved her hair off to the side and kissed the top of her head. "I see the woman who survived a freak accident, I see my best friend. She may be a little broken, a little bruised, a little scarred. But you are anything but useless, Nik. And you'll get through this."

"Being a firefighter is all I am, it's all I have," she explained sadly. She put her hearing aids back in and followed Chris from the bathroom.

"Somehow I don't think that's right, Nik. That's not all you are."

"And how would you know? You've never done anything else a day in your life either, Chris! You live and breathe being a firefighter just as much as I do."

"Maybe. But you're also my best friend, you're Sebastian's annoying kid sister. And you're a great chef, for one. You have other things you like to do in your down time. It's not the end of the world."

"Those are hobbies. Firefighting is my life. Without it, I'm nothing."

"You're talking as if you've already been told not to go back."

"We both know Bas won't want me to go back. The call was too close."

Chris sighed and pulled Nika into a hug. He didn't have the answer this time, but he wouldn't leave her to figure it out on her own.

Nika thanked whatever god was listening that she'd cried out all of her tears in the hospital bed. And maybe Chris was right. Just because she couldn't work right now didn't mean she wouldn't ever work again. And maybe the time off would do her some good, give her a chance to see what else was out there beyond the fast-pace of firefighting.

But when she thought of what the future had to offer her outside of the firehouse, that scared her more than rushing into burning buildings did. Firefighting lived in Nika's veins.

"Hey," Chris stepped back so he could look her in the eyes. He brushed a stray strand of hair from her forehead and smiled. "Whatever happens back home, you know you always have a place here at 64."

Till The End of All Things Taglist: @arrowsandmixtapes @pinknerdpanda

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, March 15

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Tiger Woods' car crash

Page 2: Bruce Springsteen has beaten the DUI charges leveled against him after federal prosecutors couldn't find a drop of evidence he had been drinking over the legal limit -- with an acceptable blood alcohol level of 0.02 well below the 0.08 threshold at the time of his arrest in Sandy Hook, New Jersey, prosecutors backed off two of their charges for drunken and reckless driving -- the rocker did plead guilty to a third charge, admitting he had two small shots of tequila on federal parkland and for that, he was fines $500 plus $40 in court costs

Page 3: Patrick Dempsey's dreamy return to Grey's Anatomy was a big hit with fans but his well-received cameo left series star Ellen Pompeo seething with jealousy -- Ellen may have permitted Patrick to revisit his old stomping grounds in Meredith Grey's fever dreams in season 17 but she doesn't want him coming back permanently and swiping her hard-earned glory and she considers herself the anchor of the show and thought she was rid of this guy after making the show her own, but now fans are begging for him to be brought back and Ellen is furious -- it's no secret Ellen hated the first 10 years of the show when Patrick was the star and she feels the series got better after he left and she became a big-shot producer, something she'd been demanding for years -- she likes being in control and calling the shots and clearly thinks she got this deal on her merit alone but it's also because she's the star who's lasted the longest; most of the original cast had already left and bosses had to cave in to keep her -- unfortunately being in charge hasn't amounted to better ratings and show has been slipping consistently in recent years and the main reason they brought Patrick back on was to spike the ratings, which it did and now producers are considering offering Patrick a full-time gig but Ellen will do everything in her power to prevent Patrick from stealing her thunder again

Page 4: Home reno gurus Chip and Joanna Gaines are clashing over his wild spending, and she's desperate to rein him in before they land in the poorhouse -- Chip and Jo are rich on paper and worth $20 million in property and assets but they were hit hard by the pandemic like everyone else and recovery has been sluggish to say the least -- they're just getting back on their feet and under a ton of pressure to get their Magnolia network off to a running start but Chip, as usual, is casual when it comes to money and it frustrates Jo to see him buying things they don't need, like new tools and equipment when the old ones work just fine and overpaying on lumber and masonry -- Chip is always shopping and not always for the house; he's got a boot fetish and has dozens of pairs, plus he treats the crew to free cappuccino and treats from their coffeehouse several time a day and Chip wants the best of everything for himself and everyone else

* Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are ready to welcome baby number four through adoption -- the couple who are parents of daughters James and Inez and Betty hope to find their next child in South America and they've invested time and money sponsoring immigrant children and they're warming up to the idea of providing an orphaned baby or toddler with a forever home -- a 16-year-old girl they sponsored through the Young Center for Immigrant Children's Rights was deported back to Honduras and they were heartbroken, and Blake and Ryan are now determined to provide a child with a happy home and opportunities he or she wouldn't have in their native country

Page 5: Newlyweds Pamela Anderson and Dan Hayhurst are itching to start a family and are already trying for a baby of their own -- 53-year-old Pam tied the knot with the 40-year-old handyman on Christmas Eve at her Vancouver Island home and she's been telling pals they hope to have happy news soon -- Pam wants to build a whole new clan with Dan and he's on board even though they each have kids with their exes and Dan's two kids from a previous relationship are living with the couple at Pam's pad -- the couple love the idea of adopting or going the surrogate route and it's not something they want to waste any time over

Page 6: Weary Kelly Clarkson is juggling her skyrocketing career and brutal divorce battle with estranged husband Brandon Blackstock on less than six hours sleep a night and Kelly has also been pushing to sell her homes in Nashville and Encino, while running her L.A.-based talk show and recording new music -- she's been running herself ragged for months and she's feeling the burn in a big way but despite her exhaustion, she can't sleep and nothing she tries works and the most shut-eye she catches is two, three hours at a time; she lays awake in bed at night worrying and crying

* Suddenly remorseful Kanye West has spiraled into depression and despair since soon-to-be ex-wife Kim Kardashian filed for divorce -- for all their problems, Kanye realizes she was the one person who was there for him whenever he went off the deep end and now he knows he's alone and seriously doubts he can hold his life together -- without Kim and her family to keep his wild impulses in check, he may succumb to the poor judgment and wild mood swings that have marked his chronic bipolar disorder as they were the ones who reminded him to take his meds and steer clear of recreational drugs and now all he has is a circle of yes-men he doesn't listen to anyway -- since the split, Kanye has shuttled between his ranch in Cody, Wyoming and a hotel in L.A. near the sprawling mansion he once shared with Kim and he's been blowing up her phone to beg forgiveness, but she won't take his calls and it's driving him off the deep end again

Page 7: Kourtney Kardashian is fed up with Shanna Moakler's online barbs and is plotting her revenge against the ex-wife of her new squeeze -- since Kourtney and Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker went public with their romance last month, former pageant queen Shanna has been throwing social media shade and Kourtney's tired of taking Shanna's crap and she's going to fire back soon and Kourtney's using her wide network of contacts in Hollywood to bad-mouth Shanna and she's placing calls to casting directors and perspective suitors to put as many potholes in her love rival's path as possible and she plans to make Shanna regret messing with her

Page 8: Nearly two years after Johnny Depp was forced to exit Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean franchise following ex-wife Amber Heard's allegations of abuse, the company has kicked him while he's down by considering her for a plum part -- Johnny is fuming over news that Amber is reportedly in contention to play fairy-tale heroine Rapunzel in the studio's upcoming live-action remake of Tangled -- for Amber to be in the running for a Disney pic is the ultimate insult to him especially because he believes the company made millions of dollars off his name

Page 9: Prince Harry and his wife Meghan Markle had a whopping $500 million motive to betray Queen Elizabeth -- outraged at being cut loose by the British royals, the couple retaliated by secretly negotiating backroom Hollywood megadeals and going public on TV -- Harry and Meghan see themselves as victims of an out-of-touch monarchy and want revenge and selling out Harry's family is the way to get it and cash in big-time; Meghan's convinced they'll have deals totaling $500 million by the end of the year but they better act fast because Hollywood is a fickle town where even royalty can be chewed up and spat out

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Amelia Hamlin stuck to the shore while pink-haired beau Scott Disick made waves in Miami, Steve Martin nibbled on a pretzel while filming Only Murders in the Building in NYC, Floyd Mayweather turned 44 and celebrated with a birthday bash in Miami, Bachelorette reject Tyler Cameron showed off his toned tummy in Florida

Page 11: Drew Barrymore feels deeply for dad-controlled Britney Spears because she's been there: she said her mom locked her away in a loony bin for over a year when she was just 13 -- Drew said it's hard to grow up in front of people and she empathizes with Britney and Paris Hilton and any star who can't escape the glare of celebrity -- Drew's mom put her in a place that was a full psychiatric ward and says she used to laugh at those Malibu 30-day places because she was in a place for a year and a half called Van Nuys Psychiatric and you couldn't mess around there and if you did, you would either get thrown in the padded room or put in stretcher restraints and tied up

* Eddie Murphy famously bragged he has never changed a diaper in his life despite having so many kids and now he's set on having another baby with fiancee Paige Butcher and this will make baby No. 11 for Eddie -- he says his genes are incredible as ever, so why stop; he's super fit and Paige is in amazing shape at age 41 and wants at least one more baby so they're going to go for it and are already trying

Page 12: Straight Shuter gossip column -- CNN could blitz news veteran Wolf Blitzer as the network revamps its lineup and TV is a young person's game and no one knows that better than Wolf and after 31 years at CNN, he sees new faces getting promoted and knows his days are numbered and Jim Acosta and Poppy Harlow are the future of CNN, not Wolf -- although Wolf's airtime has been cut as Jake Tapper's role expands, he isn't bitter or angry but instead he's grateful for an amazing run

* Love It or List It star Hilary Farr is moving on to her own show and leaving partner David Visentin in the dust -- Hilary's new show is basically the same one she and David have been doing for years, with him edited out and David was blindsided by the news and he knows HGTV has sent out a casting notice for the new show and he's hurt and angry especially because Love It or List It hasn't been renewed yet

* Sacked Dancing with the Stars host Tom Bergeron has reached out to Chris Harrison after he stepped away from The Bachelor amid a racist scandal -- Tom wasn't fired over a scandal, but he knows exactly what Chris is going through because both of them thought they had a job for life, but nothing lasts forever -- Tom is a good guy and wants Chris to know he's around if Chris needs anything

* Tom Felton, who played Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter films, spruced up for the camera (picture)

Page 13: Brooke Shields isn't letting a busted leg keep her down but she's taking her recovery one step at a time -- she shared an Instagram video showing her cautiously hobbling on crutches and explained she broker her femur and she was beginning to mend -- she didn't reveal what caused the unlucky break

* Outspoken actress Rose McGowan is living a charmed life in Mexico and the Harvey Weinstein accuser has headed south of the border and vows never to return to the United States -- she got her permanent residency card from Mexico and is grateful to have it and says it's a really healing land and it is truly magical -- she moved at the dawn of the COVID-19 pandemic because she knew it was going to get really bad in America and she had a moment to figure out where she wanted to be

* Picky perfectionist Blake Shelton listens to around 300 songs to choose what to record for each of his albums, according to his longtime producer -- music pro Scott Hendricks said he wades through nearly 3000 tracks by professional songwriters to select tunes for Blake to consider and then Blake methodically whittles down the nominees until he's certain which songs he wants to record but Scott admitted that process is more difficult for him culling the 300 from the 3000 -- Scott, who has worked with Blake for most of his career, said of their close professional relationship that the chemistry works and they have recorded several hundred or more songs together and they are getting ready to go do some more

Page 14: Crime

Page 15: Killer kingpin Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman's busted beauty queen bride will be marked for death behind bars -- if Emma Coronel Aispuro snitches to the feds about the bloodthirsty Mexican Sinaloa drug cartel long run by her caged husband, she'll put a big fat bulls-eye on her back -- according to a federal complaint, Coronel was intimately involved in her husband's multibillion-dollar drug-running racket and acted as his criminal agent while he was on the lam and the mother of El Chapo's two young daughters helped mastermind her spouse's daring 2015 tunnel escape from a Mexican prison and also paid him $100,000 for another failed bust-out a year later -- they are going to put the heat on her to spill more details on other top operatives in the cartel and take them down, too, but if she spills, it will be open season on her on the inside

Page 16: Dr. Dre appears to rap about estranged wife Nicole Young in a song filled with angry, explicit lyrics calling someone in his life a greedy bitch -- DJ Silk previewed part of a new track from Dre full of digs presumably at Nicole, with whom he has been locked in a nasty divorce -- his lyrics include: Trying to kill me with them lies and that perjury/ I see you trying to f--k me while I'm in surgery / In ICU death bed on some money s--t / Greedy bitch take a pic / Girl you know how money get

* Hollywood Hookups -- Lorenzo Lamas is set to wed for the sixth time to model Kenna Scott, Justin Hartley and Chrishell Stause are officially divorced, Adam Rippon is engaged to Jussi-Pekka Kajaala

Page 17: Former Home Improvement kid Zachery Ty Bryan has pleaded guilty to two felony counts of domestic violence -- Zachery, now 39, has been sentenced to three years of probation and will also have to take part in a batterer intervention program

* John Mayer has dated a succession of famous singers including Katy Perry, Taylor Swift and Halsey and he hopes they write chart-topping songs about him and admitted he'd be jazzed if his exes enshrined him in song, saying sometimes a song is so good he hopes it's about him and he even scours their lyrics for clues -- Taylor already has several tracks that have been linked to John including Dear John

* Ruthless chef Gordon Ramsay said he's cooked up his own plan to keep his kids humble -- he has five kids with wife Tana: Megan, twins Holly and Jack, Tilly and Oscar but said he plans to leave most of his reported $200 million fortune to charity -- Gordon explained his kids must tidy up after dinners, can only fly coach and are expected to learn how to cook for themselves and he's forbidden them from taking costly taxis and the foulmouthed foodie insisted they don't swear

Page 18: American Life

Page 19: Roseanne Barr was blindsided by a humiliating new scandal after risque photos from the early '90s recently emerged which appear to show her teenage daughters licking her boobs -- Roseanne posed for the shots with her two youngest girls at a Glamour Shots studio in Iowa more than 25 years ago and the photographer who claimed he snapped the fake lesbian lovefest but did not want to be named dished Roseanne and daughters Jessica and Jennifer who are now in their mid-40s happily hammed it up for the camera but decades later Roseanne and her daughters are all mortified and embarrassed by these pics; they were horsing around years ago and never thought they'd see the light of day

Page 20: Cover Story -- Still recovering from agonizing back surgery, Tiger Woods was pushing himself to the limit when he flew off a California cliff into a career-crushing car accident -- lawmen said the golf legend was lucky to be alive after the horrific wreck that shattered his right leg -- the accident only added to Tiger's physical problems; his movement has been restricted since a fifth back operation in December and he was unable to play golf despite an appearance at a local tournament the weekend before the bloody wreck -- at a press conference days before cheating death, Tiger admitted he was worried about his physical condition and his ability to play again, saying a lot of it is based on his surgeons and doctors and therapist and making sure he does it correctly and he doesn't have a lot of wiggle room left -- Tiger could barely move, and it seemed to get him down and his back rehab has been brutal and he was hobbling around and distraught but he refused to give into his condition and his tough-as-nails mindset could have contributed to the crash: when a person is overwhelmed by physical pain, that dominates everything they do and if you're behind the wheel of a car and in physical pain, it can distract you and likely lead to this kind of disaster -- Tiger was eager to get to a TV taping on the morning disaster struck and he seemed impatient when he left the Terranea Resort in Rancho Palos Verdes, an L.A. suburb, just after 7 a.m. and although traffic cameras show he was driving within the speed limit, his Genesis GV80 SUV crossed the center median onto the opposite side of the road and flipped -- authorities said Tiger appeared lucid to first responders and there were no signs the recovering addict was under the influence of alcohol or drugs and they did not request a blood test when Tiger was rushed to the hospital from the crash site and the incident was an accident -- Tiger was taken to nearby Harbor-UCLA Medical Center, where doctors said his broken bones protruded through his right leg and they put a rod in his leg and used screws and pins to stabilize the break and his ankle -- it will take three to four months to heal and then eight months of physical therapy and it is unlikely he will ever run again and he may have a limp and in terms of golf, just walking for extended periods of time will be a big deal and recovery will be agonizing; it's a very real possibility that Tiger's taken his final swing

Page 21: Addiction experts warned Tiger Woods' recovery will test his sobriety after his stint in rehab for prescription painkiller use and it is very, very common for a patient in recovery to relapse after a trauma like the one suffered by Tiger and exposure to painkillers administered directly or prescribed after a physical trauma is highly likely to trigger a relapse -- Tiger will probably need painkillers to get through this, but he'll also need to be connected with like-minded people to keep him away from his old thinking that pills are the solution to his problems

Page 22: Desperate Ghislaine Maxwell has offered to renounce her British and French citizenships in a new bid to get out of jail -- the disgraced socialite's last two stabs at freedom including one package offering $22.5 million as bond money were rejected by a judge who deemed her a flight risk -- now according to her lawyers, Ghislaine will formally commence the procedure to renounce her foreign citizenship to satisfy any concerns the court may have that she may try to seek a safe haven in France or the U.K. -- Justice Department officials were concerned Ghislaine would flee to France, where she was born, since the country has no extradition treaty with the U.S.

* Woody Allen claimed his own words are being used to attack him in the bombshell Allen v. Farrow documentary -- Woody has repeatedly denied adopted daughter Dylan Farrow's claims he sexually abused her when she was seven at her mom Mia Farrow's home -- Woody blasted the documentary which rehashes the claims as a shoddy hit piece and a hatched job riddled with falsehoods adding the filmmakers stole from his autobiography

Page 26: Twice-divorced Ricki Lake's engagement to California attorney Ross Burningham has insiders fearing she may suffer yet another heartbreak -- she announced her happy news on Instagram but Ricki has seen far more than her share of bad luck in the romance department and everyone is praying this final shot at love doesn't end in despair and it's never Ricki's fault, but she's never found a man who could keep her happy

Page 28: A lurid landscape of drug-fueled orgies, suicidal thoughts and fake sexual enthusiasm will play out in a new television series based on model and reality star Holly Madison's X-rated confessions from her shocking 2015 biography Down the Bunny Hole -- Madison first exposed the sleazy details of how she and other young women were plied with drugs and coerced to participate in sex parties with Playboy founder Hugh Hefner in exchange for acting as his girlfriends and getting to live inside the iconic L.A. mansion along with a weekly $1000 stipend -- the limited series will star actress Samara Weaving as Holly, who was a member of Hef's harem between 2001 and 2008 -- Holly, Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt became the notorious stars of the reality show The Girls Next Door which debuted in 2005 and focused on their seemingly glamorous life with Hef but glossed over the dark secrets behind the scenes -- in her bombshell confessions, Holly revealed the 22-bedroom manor was actually a foul pigsty filled with stained mattresses where Hef's live-in ladies were forced to perform weird bedroom rituals and look excited by it

Page 29: Jack Osbourne has listed his sprawling California home for rent at $16,500 a month -- the 35-year-old son of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne is offering the five-bedroom, 5600-square-foot home in Studio City unfurnished -- Sharon was recently seen outside the home with moving vans helping Jack prep the property -- Jack, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, bought the home in 2014 when he was married to Lisa Stelly; the couple divorced in 2018 and share three children: Andy, Pearl and Minnie

* Heidi Klum has snipped all threads tying her to dad Gunther Klum after the cosmetics and modeling honcho skipped her wedding -- Heidi dumped her manager dad after he snubbed her August 2019 ceremony in Capri with guitarist Tom Kaulitz of the band Tokio Hotel and she has also ended her German enterprise Heidi Klum GmbH, originally overseen by Gunther -- Heidi and her dad had a falling out over Tom and Gunther never really approved of him and was dead set against the marriage and it drove a wedge in their relationship

Page 32: Health Watch

* Ask the Vet -- an African Gray Parrot with a feather-picking problem

Page 34: Barack Obama broke a buddy's nose over a racist remark -- he revealed the two classmates were playing basketball when his friend hurled a racial slur and he popped him in the face and broke his nose, Obama told Bruce Springsteen on their podcast Renegades: Born in the USA -- Obama said he doesn't think his pal even knew what the word meant, just that it was meant to be hurtful

* Country singer Keith Urban has shrunk to 140 pounds as the former addict is hooked on a bizarre diet of nuts and berries and even worse, the five-foot-ten crooner appears to be growing thinner and friends are worried the stress of his demanding career and his desperate desire to be a good husband to Nicole Kidman may push him over the edge -- no one sees him eating much more than handfuls of raw almonds or sunflower seeds and berries washed down with gallons of water -- though he's been sober since 2006, pals fear the struggle to avoid giving in to temptation as well as hearing Nicole purportedly mended fences with ex-hubby Tom Cruise may be weighing on the star -- despite his bony appearance, Keith thinks he looks great

Page 40: Evil ISIS terrorists are using the COVID-19 pandemic as cover while they rebuild their network and mastermind new attacks and both Iraq and the U.S. are in their crosshairs -- because the West has been focused on dealing with the pandemic, ISIS and new groups sprung from their shattered forces have been reloading and plotting revenge, according to Ryan Mauro of the terrorist-monitoring Clarion Intelligence Network -- the pandemic has brought decreased confidence in Western governments, which has emboldened the terrorists to launch sleeper cell attacks on foreign soil

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Anya Taylor-Joy

[lucidpantone]

Hey - u've mentioned ure in the tech field. Im a neuroscience student, 2nd year. It's not by choice, but my parents' want me to cont. the fam tradition of becoming a doc. I'm financially dependent on them and they've indirectly said they'd cut me off if I don't stick with their plan for me. I can only on what I'm passionate about, to be front end/full stack webdev, in my free time. So i wonder: if i have the skill, do u think i could eventually get become a webdev w/out a compsci degree etc?

similar anon: I'd love to hear more about your research "concerning etools and adaptive frameworks in stem education"! If you don't mind lol

Ohhh this is such an interesting question. So am gonna tailor it towards you but also for others. We all have choices and allowances we make in life and since your an adult now you have to make those choices and allowances. You can chose to fall in line now and not take on debt for school or pursue something your interested in and take on the debt without your parents help. Your very lucky that both your interest fall within extremely well paid fields so luckily any debt you take on the likelihood that you will score a nice salary towards paying it off is pretty high. I will say as a med-senior level engineer the tech field is becoming crazy oversaturated. For example we have a mid level position open on my team now and I think the vetting process is a bit extreme because we have so many candidates we need to find excuses to drop as many as possible. For junior positions its even worse. For a mid to senior role you get 5-10 solid candidates to interview for junior roles you get like 30plus and everyone is good at the junior level. I have been on the intern panels a few times and I look at these interns resumes and I am like jesus these kids have interned at like 3/4 places and at least one big four tech company. 

So serious question can you have an honest convo with your parents about why the title of “dr” matters to them so much? Because this clearly isnt about good pay engineers make large 6 figure salaries that are on par with medical doctors. So this isnt about money or financial potential this is clearly about this title and so I would be honest with them and ask them why they value this title so much? What is it saying about their pov? If you still cant get them over to your side or if your parents only give you a bit of freedom this is what I would do. The market for engineers is hard and all these bootcamps have basically made carbon copies of candidates. So to stand out. You need to use the one/two elective classes you have to get the fundamentals under you and I would use you university electives for that. So take java 101 (dont take python unless you want to become a fintech engineer), take data structures 101, and a decent math class (cal, trig anything with discrete math principles). During the summers you need to go to general assembly or some type of boot camp and get all your client side knowledge down js/react/css. If you can do this in parallel with you neuro stuff you will be set. Dont worry about a compsci degree because no one really cares about the degree if its stem adjacent most companies care about how you problem solve(Math skills), how you identify patterns (data structures) and how you handle data from the beginning of the pipeline to the end(technical engineering). You dont need school to learn all this btw but since your there use it to your advantage and take some compsci classes as electives. I hope this explanation helps dear and good luck. I hope you make some head way with your parents.

[scarluxia]

Let's talk about some Adventures I had in Phoenix, AZ in 2015. It came up in my FB Memories and even though I determined to let everything from last decade go, this one still rankles. I got "in trouble" with these people for being open about my experiences on my Facebook because, even though I hadn't mentioned names, they didn't like me "putting their business out there".

CW for ableism, depression, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and I'll try to put all that in the tags.

My partner, Loki (yes real name), and I had been urban camping in Portland, OR for about a month. It had gotten cold and rainy to the point where we couldn't safely stay living outdoors, and Loki's father (who didn't approve of me) had demanded he come back to California and live with Loki's uncle. He made it quite clear I was not welcome, so I ended up going to Arizona because I had a friend who was willing to put me up. She and I had known each other since 2008 and I figured I would be safe with her. At the time, Loki was much more easily influenced by what his family wanted, and we ended up having kind of a nasty set of conversations over whether he was abandoning me.

While in Portland, my wallet had been stolen so I had no ID or SS card. I had reported it stolen of course, but had received no response until I was leaving Arizona.

My friend in Arizona had two young sons, a husband, and a boyfriend. Now, I have some sensory issues that make it so I have a hard time being around children. High pitched noises hurt me to my bones, like, even now I have to leave the room if my son gets overly excited and starts shrieking.

I was sleeping on the couch in the living room, which was where the kids would go when they woke up and where the TVs and entertainment consoles were.

Anyway, they wanted me to contribute to the household and whatnot but I was severely depressed and I think I've provided all the context I can remember? If the rest of this doesn't make sense, please know that there was a part 1 but it came up in my Memories on a different day and i didn't think I would be rehashing it.

So I couldn't do work, couldn't do anything anyone had asked me to do to satisfaction because various things that did not, in fact, depend on me. Maybe I wasn't being enough of a ~team player~, I don't know. But anyway, I did my best with what I had. Sometimes, because of THE EXTREME FUCKING SENSORY ISSUES THAT COME WITH AUTISM, I would get overwhelmed by the kids screaming. Two little boys, barely school age, and their parents sat them in front of a TV and gave them controllers. That's it. They had toys in their room, sure, but they weren't getting outside. I suggested taking them out a couple times, but firstly, I didn't know the area and wasn't about to go out alone, and secondly, I can't split in half and I'm not in good shape, so even if I had known the area, I wouldn't have taken TWO small children outside to run around where they could run out of the designated area. I'm kind of anal that way, I guess. But Woman A (mum) and Man B ("uncle") never got off their arses to help me take them outside, and Man A was at work.

Oh, yes, parental interaction with the kids. Woman A loved her sons very much. But at their age (3 and 5), they both should have been toilet trained. They should have gotten at least two hours outside every day. They threw fits when they weren't allowed to play video games because, instead of games being a special treat that was earned with good behavior, they were toys carelessly tossed at the kids to keep them out of everyone's hair. Conversely, and bizarrely, reading to them WAS a special treat. The father woke up, played games, basically brushed off his kids, and went to work. Same when he got home for lunch, and he *ordered* us to have them in bed by the time he got home for good. The mum did somewhat interact with them, but mostly just wanted them out of her hair. I wasn't so nice because I'm not good with kids in general and also loud screeching HURTS, IT HURTS IT HURTS MAKE IT STOP. (Same with snoring, or any noise made when I want to sleep.) This isn't me being a ~diva~, it is an actual manifestation of a mental disability.

Woman A was of the opinion that "everyone who lives in a house with kids automatically becomes a coparent", maybe because she wasn't willing to actually parent her kids herself.

Note from the future: I still disagree with the idea that "anyone who lives in a house with kids is automatically a co-parent". Parent your own kids. I don't expect my dad to parent my son when we go visit him and he made it quite clear when I was pregnant that he would not take on a co-parenting role (because his wives 30-50 years ago had handled the babies and he doesn't really know how to calm them down beyond entertaining them)

She got a really bitchy look on her face whenever I (who have been around children, especially TROUBLED children, all my life) made any sort of suggestion. Well sorry, lady, but it's not like you're doing such a great job with them. Y'all act like you barely want anything to do with them. Like they're cute and little and fun to snuggle, but actually teaching them anything? Forget about it, just toss em a controller and hope they don't kill each other in the game or real life. Meanwhile, they have no outlet for their natural physical energy, no real outlet for their curiosity. They're going to grow up stupid and sedentary, with "no one paid attention to me during childhood except when it was convenient for THEM" to deal with. The older kid recently got on meds for a condition that, from what I observed, was likely much more nurture than nature. And what everyone ate, my God, those kids were the only non-overweight people in the house, and it's little wonder! I bought ACTUAL NUTRITIONAL food for everyone, and the adults look at me like I'm from some demon dimension. I made a light comment about how I'd never eaten anything like what they had growing up. You know, boxed potatoes, veggies out of a can, white bread, sugary peanut butter. And Woman A was like, "well YOU don't have kids."

Um, no, but my father did.

I have a kid now, am working part time at min. wage because my boss sees my performance as so-so (plus she's been forced to give me a raise every time the County of Where I Live raises the minimum), in a single-income household, on as much Family With Kids welfare as My County will allow, and I still wouldn't feed my kid that crap LOL

Spoiler alert: they made me use all my food stamps on their household and then kicked me out later that month so... When I bought food I bought HEALTHY food, like, I've been on food stamps my entire life... Also, WIC specifically pays for WHEAT bread, fruits & veggies, and they do let you get peanut butter without sugar so idk what was going on there with them.

My father was a SINGLE PARENT raising a daughter in America after 20 years of living in Europe and raising kids with his previous wives. Well, up until the divorces, anyway. I was the only kid he ever got to keep. He told me things about how the others had been raised compared to how I was raised, and I saw the outcomes of different parenting styles in my peers as well. My father was a very poor man whose trade had been outsourced and who struggled to support us for years. And yet, we never went hungry, and he never fed me boxed potatoes. Never fed me sugary peanut butter, white bread, or veggies out of a can.

Ok I understand canned veggies are better than no veggies, and not everyone can get fresh, but you CAN get frozen in AZ. I always had fresh or frozen growing up.

It wasn't because we were living in the lap of luxury. It's because...

HE FUCKING VALUED OUR HEALTH OVER CONVENIENT, CRAPPY, NUTRIENT-FREE FOOD!!!! This is not a difficult concept. He ALSO read to me every night, despite having what I now realise was a very grueling day at work just to put said healthy food on the table. I didn't get to watch TV or play computer games (edu-tainment, the only kind I was allowed) until after all my homework was done. I can't remember if I was a particularly active child, but I'm sure I had the OPTION!!!! TO GO OUT.

Meanwhile, when I was at various stages of my life, I met kids whose parents shunted them from guardian to guardian because they didn't want to deal with them, kids whose parents were kind and supportive but rubbish at enforcing discipline, kids whose parents were abusive in every kind of way, and kids whose parents did their best.

You know, I wasn't raised perfectly. My upbringing lacked social grace and included some toxic ideas about womanhood that I've only been learning to overcome recently in my adulthood. But DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE ANY. I have my own life, the lives of my peers, and a wonderful online community of new parents raising children in kind and socially aware ways, to draw inspiration from. I can go to any one of them, and to my own parents, and ask "hey does X seem weird to you?" And they'll give me their honest opinion, which *is valuable*. I have even mapped out a general idea of how to get through some parts of my children's lives, and I'm not even planning to have kids for at least another few years. I mean, honestly, it used to be "I don't want kids ever", but dear gosh, if I can have any part of raising someone in a manner that defies procrastination culture, entitlement culture, and everything wrong with the way my husband and I were raised, maybe it wouldn't be a complete horror. If I can ensure that not all hope for the next generation is lost, hey.

Anyway, I've gone off topic...

I also had some issues with the men. Man B just didn't seem to like anything ever. I had no idea what Woman A saw in him. I remember one time he tried to tell me, a Christian, that I can't tell people what a "real Christian" is because it ~invalidates their identity~. Excuse me, no. It doesn't work that way. There are things that Christ taught, and anyone who blatantly goes against them IN THE NAME OF CHRISTIANITY, IS NOT A REAL CHRISTIAN. And yes, I realise this entire rant has been very judgey and technically I'm not supposed to do that either, but it's not like I'm saying they're going to Hell. Just that their kids are going to be sluggish and stupid, and I can't understand how these people have the gumption to try to lecture anyone else about life when they're not even TRYING to get their own lives together.

Yeah so they tried to lecture me about how I was "letting" Loki mistreat me and how I cared more about "socializing" with my estranged husband (I have separation anxiety) than helping around the house e_e They also implied I used depression as an excuse to be lazy.

Man B was supposedly "super employable." Well, okay, even though his "job hunt" seemed to consist more of sitting around playing video games, he was larger than my father (who is 6 ft tall with a protruding gut and weighs 240 lbs at last count) (My father and I are both 60 lbs above our ideal weights. But we're working on it!), and never seemed to get past the phone-screening process.

Now, Woman A told me that Man B was looking for work and that her family and some friends looked down on him for being a freeloader. Probably because she was anxious about me thinking the same. But here's the thing: I wouldn't have cared. Honestly. If you want to sit around playing games all day in your married girlfriend's apartment with her and her husband playing video games all day, go right ahead. If you want to bake three potatoes at a time and take them back to your room for a snack, hey, more power to you. But don't piss out the window and call it rain.

I don't care how employable you are, where you live, who you're living with, or what your lifestyle is like. It doesn't affect me in any way. But don't act like you're doing something you're not just to appease someone's judgmental family. That doesn't ever end well.

Now, see, I clearly have a problem with people who do that. I don't hide many aspects of myself, though I will refuse to answer a question if I feel it's none of someone's business or if they're just asking it to be a judgmental asshole. I refuse to compromise myself or my safe space to accommodate someone who can't make peace with who they are. Hell, you know me! You know my show!

Wait, this is Tumblr, so you might not know my show. It's a YouTube storyboard dedicated to processing and mocking some spiritual and psychological abuse I've undergone in my life. On Facebook, it was one of the things I was known for at the time because I was constantly posting clips and art, and trying to recruit voice actors.

I sell anyone out who I catch lying to me about anything! That's nothing new! And these people knew that about me. For SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.

So anyway. Woman A has a lot of great short term goals but no actual follow through because "I'm just not in the mood right now." No judgment there. I've totally been there. The only problem is when it gets ME in trouble.

"Let's walk the dog." "I'm not in the mood." Okay, then the dog doesn't get walked because I can't figure out my way around the place alone.

"Let's do the dishes." Woman A doesn't let me know when the washer stopped. Okay. Then the rest of the dishes don't get washed.

"Let's take the kids outside." "No I'm too tired." Okay, then they're going to be RUNNING AROUND THE APARTMENT SCREAMING WHICH MY EARS CANNOT FUCKING HANDLE so bye I'm just gonna borrow your room and isolate myself for a bit.

"Let's go to the gym!" "Maybe later." But later never comes.

Do you see where I'm going here? As for the men, they BOTH complain that they're "doing too much" around the house. Okay, probably fair for Man A, who works full time and deserves to come home to a clean house. But Man B. Wtf. You literally do nothing, except when you do, and when you do, we're meant to throw you a parade? That's not how adulthood works, or so I've heard.

Note: All three of these people are older than me. I was 24? at the time, fresh out of trade school, on my own for the first time in my life. (Maybe 2nd? I ran away when I was 17 but ended up with my grandparents so idk if that counts.) Woman A was 26 at the time and had been married since 2008, had experience with office work and parenthood, etc. Both men were older than her. I was a chronological adult with the life experience of a teenager, so I felt comfortable saying that.

So did I mention that I'm sleeping in the living room during this stay? And the adults don't go to bed until like 2 AM, which means, because of my disability, wherein I cannot sleep if there's any sort of non-ambient noise, *I* don't get to sleep until AFTER 2 AM. And the kids? They come in the living room screaming at 6 AM. Yep. Okay. Living on 4 hours of sleep, for the mathematically challenged. That and dealing with the emotional turmoil of being separated from my husband when I've got high separation anxiety in the first place. All my pain, everything, it's up to 11. and I'm supposed to contribute but there's not really anything that allows me to contribute.

So what do they do? They ambush me. Call a "family meeting" to tell me absolutely everything that's wrong with me, after WEEKS of telling me what a big help I am and how grateful they are to have me around. Tell me I'm letting my "social life" get in the way of me helping around the house. Hmm. Social life. You mean, VENTING IN MY SAFE SPACE (Facebook, no names named) AND TRYING TO MEND THINGS WITH MY HUSBAND??????????????? Okay. Well since you guys treat your woman like shit, you clearly don't understand or appreciate devotion to one's spouse. Seriously. Woman A told me she used to have extreme separation anxiety with Man A, and that he would brush off her emotions as irrelevant. Her solution was to make it a poly relationship and take a lover WHO TREATS HER THE EXACT SAME WAY. I'm serious. She got no emotional support from either of them. They basically just threw pills at her and trained her to lie down until her feelings went away.

And she had the gall to lecture me (24 at the time) about how Loki (19 at the time & from a pretty horrific family) treated me. LOL ok. Log. Splinter.

As she knew, I'm monogamous. I do have some opinions on polyamoury based on individuals I've gotten to know who are in those types of relationships, but those opinions are irrelevant to this series of rants. Except one, which is pertinent: if you're going to take another lover, they should provide something that your existing lover(s) don't. If you're suffering from low emotional support and you just find someone else who doesn't emotionally support you and who treats you like a child who can't be trusted??? What are you even DOING? Like, she told me NEITHER of her men trust her judgment. What the fuck is a relationship without trust? And don't even try "dick too bomb" as an excuse when you tell me you haven't gotten laid in months and your husband is using your condoms on Woman B.

They don't support you. They don't trust you. And yet YOU'RE telling ME that things with my husband won't get better unless I follow your lead and take another lover? HELL TO THE NO. My husband has his faults, but if I tell him Person X can be trusted, he believes me.

Except for his ex-girlfriend whom he tried to add to our relationship when he tried to be poly, months later. That went Badly.

Or maybe he just knows I'll deal with them myself, with my hot, hot temper, if they turn out not to be trustworthy. He also doesn't treat me LIKE A CHILD. And while I sometimes point at things and make small motions when I can't physically talk, or sometimes even use baby talk when I'm feeling cutesy, I DON'T POINT AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND GO "THE CARRRRRR!!!!" IN AN INCREASINGLY HIGHER PITCH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY, "Honey, I think we missed the car payment this month. Can you double check while the agent has you on hold, please?"

Okay, being a dick about losing words due to stress was not my finest moment, but at the time, I was just so appalled by how they treated her and how she allowed them to treat me.

So basically these adults who are nowhere near having their lives together, and aren't even really trying, put me on blast for not having everything running perfectly when THEY expected it to.

Let's reiterate. I couldn't get a job because I had no ID or social security card. I was waiting for them to be returned to me. I couldn't walk the kids or the dog, go to the gym, or complete all the household chores because no one would guide me. I need that guidance because of various components of my disability, which I really hate admitting to because I'm super fucking prideful, but I figured hey, she's not neurotypical either. These people will understand.

Their response when I brought this up? "You're an adult. You should know better." Sure, okay. But you should know that a child ought to be potty trained before he turns 5, or even 3; that kids need to run around, are entitled to their parents' attention and consistent discipline, and need!!! healthy!!!! food!!!!

Oh, discipline! So, she would send Older Boy to his room over misbehaving. But rather than enforce time-out, she'd go, "oh, I think I'm being too haaaard on him," and just... Relinquish. He's not about to learn anything that way, ma'am.

They called me trying to reconnect with the person I love more than almost anyone on this earth "obsessing over your social life". Well again, you treat your woman like shit, so MAYBE my undying devotion to the person I love goes a LITTLE bit over your head.

They told me that the household should be my first priority. Except no, because I am an autonomous person and my FIRST PRIORITY is, was, and ever has been the love of my life, whomever that may be at the time. That is 70% of my personality. I'm pretty sure anyone who had ever met me can vouch for my extreme devotion, and this woman had known me for SEVEN. YEARS. I'm not going to throw away 70% of myself to do an impossible task that no one will help me with.

They told me a lot of things I wasn't doing right, and for those of you who also struggle with anxiety and depression, you know that being told for weeks that everything is okay and you're so great and so helpful, and then being told that you're rubbish at everything... You know that that is hurtful. Devastating, even. I wanted to kill myself. I said that. I said that and expressed my feelings about some other things, in my safe space, without naming any names.

And even though I was posting in my safe space, I was polite about it. I was as gentle and rational as possible. I wasn't calling anyone out. Not like I am now. I wasn't trying to lead a witch hunt. I was just overwhelmed and trying to express my feelings. Trying to get myself not to kill myself. I had to tell myself over and over again that it's not what Loki would want for me.

In the morning, they woke me up and kicked me out. Said it was rude for me to say I don't care about their household. I never, NEVER said that. I said "Loki is my first priority." Something along the lines of "that's just how I am and I shouldn't be vilified for it." That doesn't mean I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. IT JUST MEANS THAT MY PRIORITIES WILL *NEVER* BE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE WANTS THEM TO BE. I AM A PERSON. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT TO PRIORITISE, AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!

I MEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. MY NAME IS *SIGYN*. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES EXPECT?! WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU HAVE FELT THREATENED BY ME SAYING ANYTHING IF I DIDN'T NAME NAMES AND WAS ACTUALLY RATIONAL? IF YOU SAW THIS, *MAYBE* YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PISSY, BUT NOT THEN!

They kicked me out after having asked me to buy them all food. I had used up all my food stamps. Because I hadn't anticipated this at all. I hadn't known they would take such offence to my existence, to my ways. To the fact that I value the man I married more than I value... Whatever they wanted me to value, I guess.

Fun fact: I ended up in a women's shelter after this, and one woman told me to actually kill myself because she was tired of hearing me cry at night.

They said I hadn't made any effort to get my life on track. Because I can just snap my fingers and make my ID appear. Because I can just manifest the money for a replacement. They said all these things that left me almost unable to breathe, in retaliation for me posting that I was suicidal.

Later, Woman A told me that this had been a long time coming and that they were trying to make room for Woman B and Woman C, both of whom were willing to have sex with the men, which is something that I would not. I feel the first woman I met at the shelter was accurate when she said they basically kicked me out because I wouldn't sleep with them.

I also later found out that my ID and SS card had been returned to sender. The Portland PD called me and told me. So my father came to the conclusion that the people I had been staying with sabotaged me from the start. For a while, I didn't feel it, but last night I dreamed about it, and the dream made me angry. I didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I really had to get all this off my chest, so for those of you who didn't immediately whip out your tiny violins, thank you.

[betweenthesespaces]

Brief mindfulness. Feeling on the verge of anxiety episode.

Woke later again. There's dark, obstructive clouds outside with gold sunlight filtering through. It's confusing, there's nothing on the weather radar. I have about half an hour of daylight left.

Kid#2 father is peppering me with emails asking about holidays. He doesn't know when he's supposed to get her for what holiday. I hate holidays. They feel empty when one or both of the kids are gone.

It's upsetting that I have to be the one planning out things, fine-tuning details for everyone. Most of the time here at the house, I have to be the one to bring up whowhatwherewhenwhyhow for everything. I have to plan everything out. I have to make the grocery orders. I have to plan the meals. I have to figure out the budget available for things. If I don't keep up with maintaining daily necessities, it rarely if ever gets done. If I get upset because I'm emotionally/mentally/physically burnt out, I'm controlling- out of control. Being fed those lines makes me, indeed, feel out of control. On top of the constant dismissal. If I broach an issue directly to someone, I'm 'attacking', no matter how tactful I am. I see the shutdown happen immediately, which angers me. I can tell I'm not being heard, not being listened to. It's bleeding out all over their body. "I don't want to listen to what you care about. I don't hear you." If they do at least act like they're listening... well, nothing changes,even if they say "I'm listening".

A day passes. Two. A week. Month. They don't do anything. The cycle continues, and I become more angry and flailing. Minimum. Fucking. Effort.

I yell too much some days. I'm getting better though about that, the yelling...I also feel like I'm giving up at the same time. That I'm turning myself off as a safety switch. The seething resides inside with increasing intensity and I wonder when it will burst open from me.

Which scares me. I don't want to be that person.

I need to cut the kid's hair tonight; they both requested trims. I may just fucking order pizza and do the grocery order when they're asleep.

Today, I'll put my clothes on hangers, and start on the middle room. I plan on making that a refuge. But it's going to take a lot of work- both physical and emotional. There's a lot of baggage.

I'm tired of the bathroom being the only place I can breathe without worrying about who is going to interrupt my concentration to tell me they need something from me.

I need to fix my car. I need to get on food stamps. I need to look at more online jobs. Need to do my sleep study work.

Wonder when I can fit in my 'I wants'. Wonder when someone will give a damn.

No depressing end to this. Mindfulness, remember?

Let's take a quick shower, put on clean clothes you folded the other evening- fuck it! maybe spritz the tiny bit of body spray you have left on yourself as a nicety since you're feeling off. Drink your water, take your supplements and meds. Eat something that isn't shite.

I'll listen to music while I'm showering.

Okay. I feel a little better. Let's go.

[gossamermoonglimmer]

Sorry if this is too personal of a question. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. How was your overall experience in the mental hospital?

     hello! it is not too personal of a question :) I’m really open about my experiences with mental health and the hospitals I went to.

     the first time I went, I was having a terrible time with my friends and had just experienced a breakup that was really painful and messed up. This was before I knew that I had bipolar disorder and needed different medication to effectively treat my intense suicidal/depressive episodes. I had known I was doing really poorly for a while, and due to some circumstantial stuff i decided to voluntarily go to the hospital to see if i could get my (mostly passive) suicidal ideation to go away and get away from the pain that was causing me to spiral so hard. to be honest, I probably could have gotten through without going that time, but I didn’t want to wait and find out if I could or not. Better safe than sorry. I went to my local ER and basically just told them that I was having suicidal thoughts and felt I may be a danger to myself. They asked a lot of questions, mostly involving whether I had a “plan” and questions about my general mental state. I had to stay there for a good five hours before they were able to connect me to a youth psyche ward that had an opening relatively close to where I live; a nice escort drove me there from the ER. I didn’t like the van. It was uncomfortable and scary and had bars on the windows. It made me feel like a crazy person.

     The first psyche ward I went to sucked, to say the least. It felt like a childrens’ asylum. The food was disgusting, the cafeteria was disgusting, the beds and bedrooms and walls were disgusting. Everything just had a layer of grime on it. A lot of my ward-mates were grumpy or aggressive or mouthy. I had one friend named Katy. She was sassy and had a crush on every male nurse. She taught me how to make those cool rubber band bracelets. i did a lot of that. We could color, read, do puzzles, or play games, and that was pretty much it. i only stayed two days. My parents came for one of my therapy/evaluation sessions and the other was alone. They didn’t prescribe me any medications or change the meds i was on and didn’t change or add to my diagnoses. I left not feeling any better or worse than before.

     The second time I went was a few months later. Basically, I had my first true manic episode and did a lot of stupid things at my birthday party. my self hatred spiked and my will to live plummeted so off to the ER i went again. my brain was way worse this time. This time the placed I got sent to was incredible. all the kids were welcoming, the staff was wonderful and silly and kind, we got to watch movies on Saturdays and Sundays a pastor would come in to talk to any kids who were religious and wanted to. You could get a cookie from the nurse behind the desk in the common room twice a day and you could get a pair of hospital socks at any time, because it was a rule that we always had to have socks on so they gave them out free. there was a mini fridge with snacks and drinks. One time there was a whole bin of those gas-station chocolate chip cookies, but most of the time it was apples or crackers and cheese or carrots or something. The cafeteria food was INSANELY good. I made tons of friends. We got to go outside all the time and draw with chalk. I was allowed to play my ukulele in the front room with the nurses watching and everyone would sing with me and it was awesome. Honestly, i was struggling really badly but I had a good experience overall and I healed so much. Therapy really works for me in some ways. We also had group therapy sessions a few times a day but they weren’t required. We did music-art therapy where we painted how songs made us feel for group once, and it was lovely. Every morning, a big guy named stacy woke us up by playing “peanut butter jelly time” or “the banana song” on his phone. There were so many wonderful people there, several of which i still check up on today. 

     I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 by a really nice lady (I felt very seen and heard by her) and was taken off the meds I was on and put on new meds that ended up helping me for a long time. i was discharged and feeling much better and less suicidal and hopeless after about a week and a half. I was really sad to leave the friends I had made in there. We weren’t supposed to exchange information about ourselves, but they gave us composition books and didn’t check them so we wrote down our names and numbers and stuff. That experience was amazing and I know the psyche wards arent usually as good to adults but youth psyche wards can be amazing and really healing or, like my other experience, awful and trapping and yucky. It depends on where you go. Sorry this was so long, hope it helped!     

[unavenged-robin]

Fic Prompt!: Brainwashed evil Dick with Batbros to the rescue! If you don't mind.

There you go. Tim decided he was the one in charge here, so I let him do all the angst. (Spoiler: it’s a lot of angst. As a matter of fact this is so sad, I’m just gonna go ahead and apologize for it in advance).

Read on AO3

There’s little room for mistakes, so they keep it simple.

Red Robin goes first. Strategically speaking, he’s the only one capable of surprising Nightwing and throw him off balance, which is something that they really need if they want to overcome him with minimum damage.

Red Hood goes next. His fighting style is brutal and effective, and bruises are not a problem at this point. Besides, Nightwing doesn’t know that he’s not going to use his guns in their most effective way, so most of his focus will be on that and not on the next attack.

Robin’s supposed to go last. Take Nightwing by surprise, work on his sides, distract him enough for Tim and Jason to go for the second round, and immobilize and drug him before things get even more out of hands.

Like with all the simple things, the plan looked good on paper, but a few hiccups here and there were to be expected as a general rule, and they all were prepared for them.

What they were not prepared for, is for Robin to freeze in the middle of the fight.

It’s such an alien concept to Tim, that it takes him three seconds too many to realize what’s happening. And even when he does, even when he turns his attention from the sedative syringe he’s fumbling with to his younger brother, it doesn’t hit immediately.

Robin is exactly where he should be - that is just behind Dick, who’s still trying to recover from Red Hood’s attack - and he’s in the perfect position to strike, but the kid’s posture is wrong, he’s not attacking and he’s not defending himself, he’s just there, arms at his sides, sword just a useless piece of metal in his hand.

Unfortunately, Dick notices it too.

Nightwing spins on his feet, fast and agile as ever, and Robin still doesn’t move, and Tim still watches the scene without understanding it. Nightwing lunges forward, escrima sticks buzzing and sparking with electricity in his hands, ready to seriously hurt, and still neither of the Robins can move a finger to stop it.

Robin is not Robin anymore, Robin is Damian. And Damian is not an arrogant and self-entitled demon brat anymore, Damian is a child.

And who the hell let a child stand in the middle of a battlefield?

Tim did. It was his plan.

Memories of old discussions come to mind. Back in the days, Dick had called him a hypocrite for saying that a ten year old should not be out playing vigilantes at night. He was right, Tim knew. They were all children when they started. What he didn’t say back then was yes, but I was supposed to be the last one.

Memories of worst days follow the course of his thoughts. Damian’s funeral, and how light the kid’s coffin felt on Tim’s shoulder. An empty cave full of grief, ghosts and shouted words, a promise of protection delivered too late, apologies and hugs that never happened.

Now Nightwing is smiling a twisted, feral smile, that doesn’t belong on his face, and it doesn’t make sense. None of this does. Weird that Tim’s noticing it just now, since it’s been at least five hours since Dick was injected by Scarecrow’s new toxin and revolted against them. Five hours of hiding and planning and fighting and now it all feels like a lucid dream. Like they all are a blink of an eye away from reality. Quite there, but not really there.

“Fuck!”

The curse startles Tim out of his trance and he turns around to look at the Red Hood.

Ever the pragmatic one, Jason swears again, doesn’t lose himself in bewilderment, and just throws a batarang at Dick. The sharp edges scratch his arm, blood splatters from there and once again Nightwing spins around and gives his back to Damian, voluntarily repeating the same mistake that should’ve brought him down the first time.

This time Red Robin is ready to cover it, though.

The fight that follows is everything Tim was trying to avoid: vicious, and angry and damaging.

He already feels Bruce’s disapproval on him, on all of them, the unspoken words of truth that he’ll never say and yet they all will hear: I trained you better than this, I trained you to not let this kind of things happen in the first place, I trained you to handle every situation with a clear head and not with your emotions, I trained you to not disappoint me.

And they will all bow their heads, chastised children, unworthy heirs.

“Tim!”, Jason yells, and by the irritation behind it, it mustn’t be the first time.

“What?”

Jason breaks his iron-grip on Dick’s arms and reaches for the syringe Tim’s still holding.

“He’s out”, he says, gesturing at the now unconscious Nightwing. “I’ll tie him up, you go check on the kid.”

Tim sways on his feet. He’s bleeding, and he’s sore and he’s once again not really sure to be one hundred percent awake, but he still walks towards Damian, one step after another, wondering about when walking became such a difficult task and on what the hell he’s going to tell the kid when he reaches him anyway. Why on earth did you freeze like that? sounds a bit insensitive even to his own ears. Yet, he’s curious to know.

He remembers Dick saying that he saw it happen once, long time ago, when Damian was still new to Gotham and to their family. Killer Croc scared the kid good, Dick said, and Tim snorted because he couldn’t picture it in his mind, what a truly scared Damian looked like. Still had trouble imagining it, up to a few minutes ago. After all Damian wasn’t scared the day he died, wasn’t scared the day he came back, so how could he be scared of anything else to the point of shutting himself down?

Now he doesn’t think he’ll ever forget it.

There’s the sound of a soft landing, a very well known voice calling Tim’s name, and then Spoiler’s there, just besides him.

He can’t see her eyes behind the mask, yet he knows she’s looking at him with concerned eyes, so Tim shakes his head no and tilts his chin towards Damian. Stephanie just nods.

She runs to Robin, kneeling in front of him to grab him by his shoulders. Tim halts his steps and just looks at them. Can’t hear a word of what she’s saying but understands the general feeling by the gentle tone and the way she’s stroking his cheek.

The sword falls off his hand as Damian throws his arms around Stephanie’s neck.

“I couldn’t”, Damian wheezes into her shoulder, loud enough even for Tim to hear. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t.”

Couldn’t bring himself to raise a sword against his brother, he means. Funny, Tim thinks, He’s never had that problem with me.

A heavy hand on his shoulder makes him spin around on his heels, and Tim finds himself staring at his own reflection on Jason’s helmet.

“-kay?”, Jason asks, voice muffled and distorted.

Tim looks over his shoulder, to where Nightwing’s lying, bloody and bruised and tied up with very painful-looking knots.

“Dick’s dead. Couldn’t save him.”

He’s vaguely aware that he intended the words to be two different questions and not statements. Jason doesn’t answer anyway, but his hand moves to Tim’s neck, fingers searching for his pulse.

Stephanie walks towards them carrying Damian in her arms, and she looks at Tim first and then at Jason.

“Second-hand exposure?”, she asks and Jason gives her a curt nod.

“The brat too. Must be skin to skin transmission then, since neither of us is affected”, Stephanie reasons, while rubbing Damian’s back. “I’m so gonna punch Scarecrow in his less straw-padded parts.”

“I like the sound of that plan, Blondie”, Jason says. “Let’s get the flock back home first, then I’ll gladly hold him still for you.”

Tim’s not understating much of the conversation going on around him, his attention constantly shifting from Dick, still out cold and crumbled to the floor, to Damian, unusually silent while cradled into Stephanie’s arms.

There is something wrong there, something nitpicking at the back of his mind, but he can’t figure it out what it is.

“They were dead”, he says. Thinks of saying. He’s not sure anymore.

“You were dead too”, he continues (thinks of continuing), looking at Jason and then at Stephanie.

He feels Jason’s fingers twitch in surprise against his neck, but that’s about the only reaction he gets. Without another word, Jason manhandles him again to get him closer, and before Tim can protest he finds himself being thrown over the Red Hood’s shoulder and awkwardly staring at the ground.

“Jason, what the-”, he yells, grabbing the back of his brother’s jacket with his fists.

“Just don’t kick me, please”, Jason sighs. “Dick’s already busted my ribs so be a nice and not dangerous fear toxined brother like Damian there, yeah?”

Tim is so offended by that to stop talking to him at once.

-

He wakes up in a gurney, strapped to an IV, still drowsy and with a big headache to the side. None of that comes as a surprise. A freshly showered and heavily bandaged Dick sitting on the chair next to him does.

Tim glances at him from under his eyelashes and frowns.

“You’re not trying to kill us anymore?”, he asks, only half joking.

Dick’s quick to hide the flick of hurt and guilt in his eyes behind a smile - almost quick enough for Tim not to catch it and feel shitty about it.

“Kidding”, he mumbles.

“I know.”

Dick’s smile softens instantly. The guilt stays. Tim can read it in his features, in his posture, in his low voice. He was also expecting it.

“Do you remember any of it?”

A shake of the head, and wet strands of hair fall on Dick’s eyes.

“Not much.”

“Good.”

It was scary, it’s what Tim’s not going to say. You coming after us, it was one of the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.

“Where are the others?”, he asks instead.

“Stephanie and Jason went after Scarecrow, Bruce is on his way to join them as we speak.”

Tim nods, then looks at him pointedly.

“Damian’s fine”, Dick offers. “He’s sleeping off the leftover effects of the toxin in his room.”

“While I only get the cave’s med bay”, Tim complains halfheartedly.

“Well, you’re a bit heavier to carry. For Alfred, at least”, Dick smiles again. Tim has the sudden feeling that Dick knows exactly how he was carried back home and quickly change the subject. He’ll make Jason pay for that another day.

“Nasty stuff this time”, he comments then, and Dick’s smile falls almost instantly.

“Yes. I was looking at the first results from the analysis and it looks like Crane enhanced the original formula to make the illusions more vivid, to the point….”

“To the point you start enact them”, Tim finishes.

Dick raises an eyebrow at him.

“You figured it out right away?”

“I’m not that smart”, Tim scoffs. “But it makes sense. Damian was too scared to fight, so there was obviously something wrong. And I couldn’t help. Should have, but couldn’t. My brain went totally banana.”

“But you did”, Dick points out. “Jason said that you snapped out of it and helped him.”

“Barely.”

“You-”

“At first I thought Damian froze in the middle of the fight, but he didn’t, didn’t he?”, Tim interrupts him, but it’s a rhetorical question. “He thought he was going to kill you, so he chose not to fight at all.”

Dick sighs.

“We’re going to have a long conversation about that.”

“Yeah, good luck.”, Tim winces in sympathy. And then, softly, he adds: “I was the one who really froze.”

And that makes sense too.

His parents. Stephanie. Kon. Dick. Damian. Jason. Bruce. They all died. Almost everything and everyone Tim’s ever called family. And he could never do anything about it. Only watch and accept it, and try to go on anyway.

Dick is nice enough to not add anything to that. He just raises his hand to gently stroke Tim’s arm.

“I’m sorry, kiddo.”

Tim cranes his head on the pillows to look at his brother again, a doubt running all around his mind and a question burnings on his lips.

Because the way Tim’s looking at it, Dick’s reaction to the toxin doesn’t fit. It’s the only one that doesn’t make sense to him and it’s been bothering him since the first moment Nightwing attacked them. So he licks away the blood from his splitted bottom lip and asks. Even if he maybe shouldn’t.

“Dick? Do you really think one day you’ll kill all of us? Because that’s crazy.”

Dick laughs, but it’s a pained, humorless laugh.

“No, I don’t think I’ll end up killing any of you. I mean, you do make me want to pull my beautiful hair out, and you all suck the life out of me sometimes, but that’s just how family is, you know?”

Tim furrows his brow.

“Then why…?”

Dick sinks back in his chair, head tilted back to look at the ceiling, tensed shoulders and clenched fists, and Tim is overwhelmed by how much he looks like Bruce right now.

“Because I already did, didn’t I?”, Dick sighs, rubbing his eyes. “Robin is good for a lot of reasons, I know that. It was good for us, and now it’s good for Damian. It’s good for Batman, for Gotham, for the kids. But sometimes I think at what cost it comes with and…”

“Dick-”

“…and I feel like I set up a death trap instead of a legacy. Which is ironic, don’t you think?”

Tim shakes his head and tries to sit up, only to be pushed down almost immediately by Dick’s hands.

“Don’t”, his brother scolds him quietly.

“You’re wrong”, Tim retorts. “You know you’re wrong.”

Dick strokes his chest gently, fingers tracing along the edges of the white bandages, and it’s not clear who Dick’s really trying to reassure there, if Tim or himself.

“Yeah. Yeah, maybe I am. Maybe it’s just the toxin talking”, he sighs eventually. “So let’s sleep it off, mh?”

It’s the most polite end of discussion he’ll get from him, Tim knows. And maybe it’s okay. Maybe they really need a little time before going there again.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

“You’re going to sleep in that chair?”, Tim asks.

“Maybe I’ll snuggle into Damian’s bed later”, Dick admits candidly and with half a smile.

It’s exactly the kind of thing Dick would say in a situation like this, and yet, for some reason, Tim’s pretty sure that his brother’s just lied to his face.

[babesatthebarricade]

Feuilly? Jehan? I want to know all your headcanons for all the Amis honestly. Just don't want to take up your time

You’re not taking up my time! I love talking about the Amis, and was so flattered you’d want to know all my headcanons, that I wrote all my headcanons! 

Enjolras

Their first name: As hilarious as it would be if all the Amis’ first name was Jean, I usually imagine Enjolras’s first name as Alexandre. (Side note: it would also be funny if his name was Victor, as in victory/Victor Hugo decided to name the hottest character after himself).Their sexual orientation: Gay. I also often imagine him as being somewhere on the ace spectrum, but I’ve read great fics where he is…decidedly not ace, so I’m not super committed to that headcanon. (Part of the reason I don’t put smut in my own fics – other than I’m terrified of writing it – is I like to leave it up to the readers if he’s ace or not, since I myself waver on where I stand).Where they come from: South of France. That’s about it. I’ve never thought about it too much, since that’s all Hugo gave us. I guess I do imagine him as growing up in a large country house.What do they study or what’s their job? Poli sci and history. And usually I imagine him as being a lawyer, running a non-profit, or being an up-and-coming politician who is going to dismantle the system from the inside.Their family: Only child. And I’m sooo in the minority in the fandom, but I imagine he has two amazing, loving parents. They’re old money, so that causes some arguments. But even if his parents don’t agree with him 100% of the time, they always support him and are proud of his passion and determination. Idk, I just really like him having these tough, smart parents who encouraged him from a young age.Their hobby: Enjolras likes reading. It’s his favorite way to relax (and not just political stuff – he takes recommendations from friends because reading their favorite books is a way to see the world through their eyes). Other than that, between studying and/or work (depending on how old he is) and activism, he doesn’t have time for hobbies. But he does like supporting his friends in their various hobbies. He goes to their games and performances, and always cheers the loudest.The running joke about them among Les Amis: How unfairly beautiful he is. Seriously, has anyone ever seen him have a bad hair day? How does he never have bags under his eyes? There’s a bounty for whoever can get a picture of Enjolras where he doesn’t look good. It’s also part of the joke how completely oblivious Enjolras is about his unnatural beauty.A random fact about them: Contrary to popular opinion, he can cook. He just doesn’t want this knowledge to get out, because then he’d have to cook for everyone all the time.Bonus: Any fancast? Aaron Tveit was my first Enjolras, and remains my favorite, so I picture him a lot. (Not really a fancast if he was in the movie…) But the Enjolras I picture changes on the story I’m reading or writing? So at the end of the day, someone pretty and blond.

Combeferre

Their first name: HenriTheir sexual orientation: GayWhere they come from: South of France, in the suburbs.What do they study or what’s their job? Medical student/doctor. I could also see him as a professor.Their family: Only child to busy top-of-their-field professionals, who love him, but didn’t spend much time with him. His parents got divorced, and he’s closer to his mother.Their hobby: He cannot pick one. Canon had a pretty comprehensive list: studying insects, Egyptology, correcting the dictionary (nerd), going to the opera. I imagine he likes astronomy a lot. He just tries every new thing he has time for. Has a bad habit of picking up a hobby, becoming obsessed, then dropping it like 3 months later.The running joke about them among Les Amis: That he is magic and can fix anything. (It’s also true, but they like to joke about it). They also joke about his Disappointed face and voice, but they joke because they are afraid of it.A random fact about them: When he was a kid he wanted to be Indiana Jones.Bonus: Any fancast? Depends. I usually imagine him as South Asian. (There are bunch of boards on my blog, or likes, but I can’t find them atm, and I can’t remember the actors/models from those boards). He has tattoos and is geek chic (without knowing it of course).

Courfeyrac

Their first name: LucasTheir sexual orientation: BisexualWhere they come from: a small-ish town in the south of FranceWhat do they study or what’s their job? Either he’s a law student, then lawyer alongside Enjolras of he does like marketing and social media for a nonprofit.Their family: Three older sisters, one younger one. Loving parents.Their hobby: Party planning. I’m talking Leslie Knope level of intense, perfect parties. He also celebrates every single obscure holiday, like Leslie. (Basically his main hobby is making people happy). He also likes dancing, and volunteers at a local animal shelter so he can cuddle all the animals. Did theater while in school. The running joke about them among Les Amis: Where did that glitter even come from?A random fact about them: He can’t roll his tongue, and is therefore irrationally jealous of anyone who can.Bonus: Any fancast? I’m pretty stuck on Fra Fee. (Harry Lloyd is also a good choice. There’s this one gifset somewhere that sold me on him)

Grantaire

Their first name: Rafael or ReneTheir sexual orientation: BisexualWhere they come from: A small city in the south of France (I don’t know French cities well enough to decide which one…)What do they study or what’s their job? Something art-related. Sometimes I imagine him as a very popular, but very cynical political cartoonist. Could also see him as like a freelancer, doing restaurant reviews, and photography, and then teaching random art classes to pay the bills.Their family: One younger sister. Not especially close to his parents, especially his dad, but they can get through one or two family dinners a year without a complete catastrophe.Their hobby: Dancing, obscure martial arts (like single stick. Who the fuck does single stick? Grantaire does), experimenting in the kitchen (it’s either delicious or death. There is no in between), doodling, and exploring Paris.The running joke about them among Les Amis: No matter your need, Grantaire knows a guy. He knows pretty much everyone in Paris. (They played six-degrees of Grantaire, but quit because it was too easy).A random fact about them: Speaks at least 3 languages the Amis know of.Bonus: Any fancast? I’m stuck on George Blagden for Grantaire, even though he’s waaay too pretty. (This is the last one that I can’t separate the movie cast from the character). 

Bossuet

Their first name: MatthieuTheir sexual orientation: PansexualWhere they come from: In the book, wasn’t Bossuet the only one not to come from the South? For some reason, that’s how I remember it, so I imagine him as coming from somewhere in Northern France. (I don’t know France well enough to say where exactly…)What do they study or what’s their job? Was a law student, but dropped out. Now he mainly does administrative work in various offices. He always brightens up whatever office he’s working in.Their family: Divorced parents. He calls them once or twice a month, but isn’t particularly close to them.Their hobby: Watching terrible movies. And conspiracy documentaries. He also likes to do cool card tricks, but always messes up when he tries to show people. (It’s okay though.He knows he can do it and that’s enoug for him).The running joke about them among Les Amis: He has a freakishly good sense of direction. Like you could drop him off in the middle of a dark alley and he would still have a vague idea of where he was and how to get home.A random fact about them: His uncanny sense of direction doesn’t help him get places on time. He’s perpetually late, and always with an absurd excuse that is 100% true.Bonus: Any fancast? Not really. He just can’t have hair. 

Joly

Their first name: NicolasTheir sexual orientation: BisexualWhere they come from: A suburb somewhere in Southern FranceWhat do they study or what’s their job? Med student/doctorTheir family: Has an older brother and younger sister, both parents, and grandparents, one set of whom lived with his family and helped raise him.Their hobby: Conducting weird ass scientific “medical” experiments. And knitting. And watching scary movies, getting scared, and getting cuddled by his partners.The running joke about them among Les Amis: He has the ability to sense when there is a cat nearby. He will befriend the cat, then try to adopt it without fail, even though he already has 2 at home.A random fact about them: Surprisingly good rapper.Bonus: Any fancast? Not a fancast, but I love the way batcii draws him. So anyone who resembles batacii’s Joly in looks and attitude?

Feuilly

Their first name: LouisTheir sexual orientation: I usually imagine him as too busy to have a love life (poor Feuilly), so I haven’t given it much thought. Bahorel has dragged him out on some truly horrendous double dates, regardless of his orientation.Where they come from: A city. Probably Paris.What do they study or what’s their job? He studies whatever books he can get his hands on. He does a lot of handiwork, and has worked in a few kitchens and shops.Their family: The Amis! The Amis are his family! (I imagine he also was in a bunch of foster homes, and I kind of like him and Montparnasse being in the same one. And while they’re not like friends they both have each other’s backs no matter what and so are brothers in that way).Their hobby: Arts and crafts! And sleeping.The running joke about them among Les Amis: That he’s a superhero. So whenever he arrives late because of work, and is apologetic, the Amis will wink and be like, don’t worry. We know you were saving the city. It’s a dumb joke, but it always makes Feuilly smile because he knows his friends really do think he’s awesome.A random fact about them: Even though he doesn’t have a lot of money, he always saves up enough so he can travel to at least one new place a year.Bonus: Any fancast? Not anyone in particular, but I usually imagine him as ginger.

Bahorel

Their first name: TomasTheir sexual orientation: Straight. (There’s an ancient post on Tumblr about a guy who said he was straight, but then was like, how do I know I’m straight? So he slept with another guy and was like…well that was fun, but no, still straight. I kind of imagine Bahorel doing that).Where they come from: A small town in the south of FranceWhat do they study or what’s their job? An eternal law student. He eventually becomes like a personal trainer, or teaches self-defense classes.Their family: Two slightly older, doting parentsTheir hobby: Boxing, Muay Thai, but he’s down to learn any combat style. He loves extreme sports. And baking. (He got the Amis hooked on the Great British Bake Off one summer)The running joke about them among Les Amis: He’s absurdly competitive.A random fact about them: He is always the first of the Amis to cry during a movie. Always. Also, he’s been dating his laughing mistress for years, and shockingly, is in the most long term and stable relationship out of all the Amis.Bonus: Any fancast? Not really. I’ve seen a bunch I like (like Jason Momoa). Pretty much as long as it’s a person who could kick your ass and look dapper while doing it, that’s Bahorel.

Jehan

Their first name: This is cheating, but it’s Jean.Their sexual orientation: Pansexual. Possibly aromantic. (I think the idea of Jehan being fascinated by romantic relationships but not feeling romantic attraction themselves is an interesting thing to explore).Where they come from: Like Aphrodite, Jehan floated in from the sea, fully formed. (jk. South of France).What do they study or what’s their job? They study literature and/or poetry. And some kind of Asian studies. (canon Jehan was interested in Asian cultures). They work at either a used bookstore or a plant shop, and write on the side. Their family: Single dad. Was very close to their grandmother before she died.Their hobby: Poetry, obviously. Long walks in nature. Exploring cemeteries.The running joke about them among Les Amis: No one’s actually seen where they live. So whenever the Amis watch a movie or something together, someone will point at the screen and go “that’s Jehan’s house”, and they’ll always be pointing at some dilapidated mansion, or giant Gothic castle, or a spooky crypt, or somewhere ridiculous.A random fact about them: They actually live in a normal studio that is their sanctuary. Also they don’t like sweets, and prefer savory foods.Bonus: Any fancast? Not especially. I usually imagine them as petite, with somewhat elven features

[myselfinserts]

❝ I’m surrounded by amateurs. ❞

It was nearly six in the morning when Regi woke up with a throbbing headache and his eye swollen shut. His body ached from sleeping on the floor, and he was sure he’d probably catch a cold sometime in the next few days if he didn’t make sure he got medicated when they returned to the dorms tomorrow morning.

But he immediately pushed all those aside when his phone alerted him to a text from Tanith.

> Which of these should I wear for picking up my friend today? I need to know which one will make her like me more.

Attached to the message was a photo of two outfits laying on her bed. On the left, her school uniform with its pastel pink sweater, white blouse, and dark red skirt. Next to it was her favorite orange shirt paired with a pair of chocolate brown jeans that he knew for a fact would be paired with her best pair of steel-toed boots and leather vest.

He tried his best to stay quiet as he sat up, trying his best to type up a message despite how hard it was to see. Between the broken glasses and the black eye, he was not having a good time of it.

So he decided to just roll with it.

> ou look goos in eitger. Amd O lnow yoir ftuend wpll loke yoi alfedy.

> I’m going to assume you just woke up and lost your glasses again.

> Sorry. Bur yeag. Kindsa.

> lol you dummy.

Regi smiled. He carefully got up and made his way over to the desk, putting the good lens onto his eye as best he could like a monocle. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to finish the conversation.

> it’s a bit early for you to be awake, isn’t it? It’s what, almost 4am?

> I’m too nervous. I really want L to stay for the visit like we planned. But...

> Tan?

> you remember what happened the last time, right?

He couldn’t forget. That kid from Yorkshire had a lot of nerve. Regi almost kicked his ass for that monster comment.

> this won’t be like the last time. You have two great friends in Elmo and Raph, and Luci and Mari are there too. And Uncle Elbert. You have me, even if I can’t be there physically. And I know, deep down, this pen pal of yours isn’t like the others. She’s going to adore you. I just know it.

> you really mean that? You’re not just saying that because you’re my brother, right?

> Tan, I would never lie to you about you. You know that.

I only lie to you about me. Like a hypocrite.

> Thanks Regi.

> Not a problem.

> Still need to pick an outfit tho.

> ....and you really think I’m the one to ask?

> Good point, but still. Please?

> Okay, okay. Go with the orange. It’s your lucky color.

> Orange it is! Thanks bro! TTYL!

> Luv you!

> Luv you too~!

With a sigh of relief, he set his phone and the broken glasses down. With his sister’s fears taken care of, he decided to take the opprotunity to get cleaned up before his roomie’s alarm went off. He turned and headed for the the bathroom, reaching out for the door handle with a bright, confident smile.

Only to miss it by half a foot and walk right into the door, falling backwards with a loud thud.

“Motherfucker!”

Regi looked over at the bed, managing to catch a glimpse of Étienne setting the bedside lamp back down. Before he had a chance to apologize, the blond got out of bed and grabbed him by the collar, shocking him with the sheer strength he had in one hand. Regi was six foot two, and at least fifteen stone from all the training his uncle put him through.

Damn. Allard’s pretty strong. It’s...kinda nice to be lifted.

Wait, why am I thinking that?

“I’m surrounded by amateurs, morons, and bumbling buffoons.” Étienne made him sit on the bed, anger radiating off of him. “Wait here.” He turned to head to the door, not even bothering to change out of his pajamas.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm getting the teacher," Étienne spat. "Your eye is completely swollen shut, and I'm not looking after your ass all day so you don't walk into shit."

Regi reached out in panic, grabbing his arm tightly. "Please don't! I have something to fix this, just please don't…don't tell Rosine."

Étienne glared at him. "Let. Me. Go."

"S-sorry." He took his hand off him, looking away shamefully. "Look, I have some of my sister's healing water in my med kit. I didn't want to use it on my eye since I only have twelve ounces on me and-"

"Shut the fuck up."

Regi stopped talking.

"Good. Now stay there. And don't move." Étienne walked over to Regi's suitcase, quickly throwing it open and pulling out the medical box. "Short answers only. How much of this stuff do you need to heal an eye?"

"No clue," Regi mumbled. "Normally I just take a swig and it works. I'd have to ask Marianne how much-"

"What part of 'short answers only' is so beyond your comprehension?" Étienne let out a sigh, looking through the kit. "Well, now we're going to find out an exact measurement. Looks like your kit has clean droppers." He took the bottle out, along with a dropper and a pair of gloves before he returned to where Regi sat. "I'm going to apply this directly into your eye. This is probably going to hurt like hell, but please try not to be a baby about it."

“Okay.”

Once his roommate was done preparing for the treatment, Regi closed his eyes and forced himself to remain still as Étienne tilted his head upwards to get a better look. His fists clenched tightly in his lap when he felt a slight amount of pressure, a pair of fingers assessing the damage and testing if he could gently coax his eyelids open just enough. When he seemed satisfied with the assessment, Étienne filled the dropper and started to apply the first drop.

As soon as it hit his eye, Regi could already feel his headache easing a little.

His hands are a lot like Marianne’s. They don’t shake. But...there’s something off. His hands are gentle but...unnaturally still. Is it his quirk? Soft hands? Gentle grip? Something like that?

Étienne applied another drop, waiting before preparing a third. “I slept fine, by the way. Until you oh so rudely woke me up. Actually got a proper rest without being irritated.”

“Huh? Oh.” Regi managed a small grin. “I’m glad to hear it.”

“Stop smiling, you dolt. Makes it hard to treat you.”

“Sorry.” He stopped smiling.

“And stop apologizing. That’s almost as annoying as your wake up calls. Running into the fucking door. Dumbass.” Étienne‘s golden eyes narrowed suspiciously. “How the hell did you even get this injury anyway? And what happened to your glasses?”

Regi felt his stomach flip. “I stepped on them by accident,” he lied. Baxter had stepped on them after knocking them off his face. “After I tried getting up after falling over.”

Étienne paused.

“What?” Regi asked.

“Gladstone.”

Oh god. Why is he saying my name like that?

“I’ll ask one last time,” Étienne warned. “And I want the truth. How. Did you. Get injured?”

Regi swallowed thickly as his voice grew soft and broken. “It...it was Fielding. He knocked on the door and I thought it might have been Madame or housekeeping, so like an idiot, I answered.” He braced himself for any oncoming insults. “I should have checked the peep hole.”

“Indeed.” Étienne added another four drops. “Never liked the bastard. Knew he was an idiot the moment he chugged this stuff in class.”

“...that...that was him, wasn’t it?” Regi couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “I was having such a bad day that day it almost slipped my mind. Probably one of my worst.”

“I can’t imagine what could possibly have happened to you if you consider that day your worst, especially given the assignment in class.”

Regi stared at him with a dead, listless stare. “My horror movie obsessed girlfriend stalked me all the way to Paris after promising to look after my uncle and sisters while I’m here, all because I told her I needed to cut contact for two weeks to focus on class work.”

Étienne seemed to nearly drop the water, managing to regain composure and add another few drops. “How have you not broken up with her already?”

“It’s complicated. Hero publicity politics, poor finances, the fact that she doesn’t like the word ‘no’-”

“Grow a pair, Gladstone. If you can’t break up with a girl that desperate you’ll never last the rest of the semester, let alone a day in this field.” He shot him a warning look. “If that girl comes anywhere near me-”

“I promise, I’ll deal with her as soon as the trip is over so that doesn’t happen.”

“You fucking better. People like that are almost as bad as Fielding.” His lip curled into a tight scowl, his frustration radiating in pulsing waves. “Desperate people like that piss me off.”

“A lot of people seem to piss you off.”

Crap, why the fuck did I just say that?! I just made him angrier at me!

Étienne raised an eyebrow, his scowl morphing briefly into a smile, but he didn’t reply. Regi couldn’t help but wonder if he was angry or...did he actually like that comeback?

He decided he didn’t want to know.

After about a total of fifty-nine drops, Regi’s eye was completely healed. All the pain was gone, and his skin had cleared up entirely. Étienne handed him the dropper, tossing the gloves into the nearby bin before turning to the restroom. “I’m using the shower first since you woke me up. In the meantime, clean this place up. I don’t want to see bedding on the floor, understand?”

“Étienne, wait-”

Étienne turned on his heal, looking almost ready to strangle him. “What the fuck do you want now?”

Regi took a quick breath, steadying himself. “I wanted to say thank you. For helping me. That was very kind of you.”

“You better realize I didn’t do it because I wanted to be nice to you, of all people.”

“I understand that. But I still appreciate the help. Thank you.” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “And about the other night...we...we don’t have to be friends if you don’t want to, but-”

Étienne rolled his eyes. “You are such a pain in my ass.”

Despite the sting, Regi held his ground. “We don’t have to be friends. We don’t even have to talk to each other. After this trip, we can pretend none of this ever happened if you want. But at the very least, can we at least be cordial with each other when at school? Somewhat civil at least if we happen to cross paths?” He felt his ears burning. “We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other in class anyway. What’s the point in added frustrations of actively trying to avoid each other with an unstable wall? A sturdy draw bridge would be a bit more efficient, wouldn’t it?”

He wanted to be friends. Regi wanted at least one person in the support department to talk to that wasn’t the teacher. Someone he could talk theoreticals and experiments with. Maybe even someone he could share his uncle’s coding books with. A lab partner to do a few tests with on the weekends. No one in the department would even approach him. 

Regi just wanted a friend in his field. 

But if he couldn’t have that, he’d settle for an acquaintance. 

The room remained silent for a minute before Étienne turned back towards the restroom. “Your analogies are abysmal. Get your fucking mess cleaned up.”

The door clicked shut, and Étienne locked himself inside. 

Defeated, Regi let out a sigh and proceeded to start cleaning up the room as best he could. 

It was worth a shot.