#Do you want “I have to kill my brother agian” card | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

perksofbeingamaineiac · 5 years ago

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April 30, 2020

Dear Chris, Im pretty over everything that happened. I have had my piece with it. So much anxiety and hurt came out of the relationship we had, I didn’t even know until months later. I don’t know how I supressed it so well, for so long. I am glad I had to deal with it. I am glad that I am not mad at you, I just don’t care.

Dear Tyler, I wish I could hurt you. I wish you understood what you put me through, because of your own insecurities. Did I know I lost feelings years before we broke up, yes. I still had hope, I just needed you to grow up, stop pretending to be someone you weren’t. Stop lying and pretending you were better than everyone. You couldn’t, thats fine. I just wish you understood the negativity you put on me. Making me feel like something was wrong with me, when it was just our relationship. It was you not understanding, or trying to, taking your anger out on me, always putting me on the back burner. Then looked at me the way you did so everyone would see and tell me how much you loved me, but I would be cold because I was hurting. No one knew what happened when they weren’t around. That night you tried to rape me. You drank so much and smoked so much...you never apologized. You always told me you would never be that guy, and I trusted you never to be that guy. Even though you didn’t do it, it hurt like you did. You had to take what I wasn’t giving because it wasn’t the time or place. You had to get high all the time infront of my family, you made me buy you things for your special diet and then never ate them. Everytime we went on vacation, you would get drunk and want to fuck even though I was already asleep. You were suppose to never drink. You drank so much and became a monster every time. Why wasn’t I good enough to be sober for? Why did you have to smoke in my car when I asked you not to? Why were you so selfish? I planned a whole birthday party for you, even though we broke up, I constantly planned and bought you stuff. You never made any kind of effort on my birthdays. We went for a walk one year because I asked. Then my brother got into a car accident and you acted like an asshole the whole time and didn’t even care about how I felt. Talked pure shit about my sibiliings, but even today you act like my brothers your friend. FAKE ASS BITCH. After I planned your birthday you asked me never to talk to you again. You didn’t come to my grad show to support me, you were the only person I wanted there. My family came out and that was nice, we went out to dinner and it was a good memory. No thanks to you. You made me feel like a monster for linking what I like and sharing it with you. You should have been happy that I trusted you with that information. Happy that I wanted to explore something that involved so much trust with you. No, everything had to be about how I was shitty and didn’t treat you right, because you knew for a fact it was true the other way around. I wish I would tell you all the things you did to hurt me, that fucked me up. That just help me not trust people more. You live your own life. Hopefully you will grow up and be better for someone else. Also don’t be a dick and go messgaing me provatly on Tumblr to see if you were right about the things your accused me of, then acting like you didn’t do it when I called you out, but magically the messages stop.

Dear Giacomo, I am sorry that I wasn’t as honest and I said I would be. I am sorry that I broke your trust and I am sorry that I let you down. I wish you would forgive me and we could be friends. We had a genuine connection. I am still happy I got to meet you and experience that foreign romance you read about in books.

Dear G, This one hurts the most. I keep trying to tell myself that you arent the person I thought you were, the person I became friends with and the person I kinda fell in love with. How can you love someoen who never really cared about you? How can you love someoen who let you down so fucking hard. You knew I cared about you, way more than you cared about me. Said were friends. I knew the cuddeling would end and all the physical stuff, but you started talking to be different and your body language was different. You were someone new and it scared me. I know you put me in a box, and I wish you didn’t. I wihs you gave me a fair chance. I wish you would have told me all the things that bothered you that I did, instead of holding them in, maybe then I wouldn’t have thought everythingw as peaches and daisies when it wasn’t. I wish you didn’t make up excuses on why I wasn’t good enough or right, and just let yourself feel. “Financially compatible” go fuck yourself. Make me sound like I am constantly spending money on bullshit, when we proved I spend way less than you. You did warn me that once someone is out of your life you don’t dwell on them...so I know you don’t think about me ever. I knew the last time I saw you was the last. I didn’t think the last time we talked would be the last, but its good that it was. I am sorry I downplayed my feelings. I feel like I can’t blame you for a lot of these things becase I told you it wasn’t serious. I think you knew it was, you could have treated me like you treated your friends though, because then I would have really seen friends. You treated me like we were dating. You cannot deny that. I want to say that maybe I have just been treated that poorly in the past, but you didn’t treat me poorly. You took care of me, took the time to get to know me and I thought it was a real real thing. One of my favourite memories is that day we went to the cottage. The car ride, you hand on my leg, talking, listening to music. Getting a tour, seeing all your family pictures, cooking, playing cards, the boat ride. That damn boat ride. I was so happy, I even told you “this is the happiest you have ever seen me”, its one of the happiest I had seen myself. Seeing the beaver. Listening to more music, you telling me stories about your childhood and what you want for your kids, imaging me as that person you do those things with. I am sorry my mind went there. Sex was good. Watching you help your neighbour was nice. Didn’t get the best sleep that night, woke up and you weren’t beside me and that made me panic. I was so happy you took me and showed me your world and juts let me in. All I wanted was for you to let me in. You never let me meet your friends, and I wanted to be apart of that so badly. They all sounded like such amazing people. I would have killed to have a friend group like that. I rember the times you needed me and admitted it. I don’t knnow what changed. You called me one night and asked if I could come over because you just needed me. That made me so happy. I was there for you when you lost your job. I did whatever I could to help. I lost my job and you kicked me to the curb, talked down to me and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough because I don’t have the same goals and asperations. Said you were “pushing me” you pushed me to hate myself and dislike you. You had been my rock for so long and I tried so hard to be yours, it hurt so much. All of it still hurts. I miss the way things used to be. I think back to it all the time. I told you your house was my escape and it hurt that I don’t have it anymore, and at the end it felt incomforable. Thanks for making me great at sex though... I also communicate a lot better now. Still improving. Why couldn’t it just be easy. How can you tell me you never felt anything for me? I felt it. We made love twice. You got scared the second time and woukdn’t let it happen again. You understood why I was the way I am, and knew how to deal with me. I liked the person I was when I was with you. I really really liked that person. I lost you and I lost that person that I wanted to be. You gave me independance. Why did you lie and say our friendship mattered to you, when all it took was a girl to throw eveyrything away? I really hope you are happy with her, a hige part of me wishes you would come running back to me and I could tell you how I feel about all this. Tell you how much you hurt me, but I want to move on. I want to feel the way I felt with you, and better with someone else. I need to move on, even thoughj I wish you would just come back. I know you never will, you would never go back on a decison you made. Im still in that box and always will be.

Dear Steven,

You don’t deserve to be on the same page as these people. There are a lot of things that seperate you from them, but you’re one of the guys that have hurt me. Said that I am playing victum. Im going to keep this short and sweet because I know you will never learn. You are the one playing victum, saying how you always get hurt, but doing nothing to prevent it. Jumping into things with people who you don’t care about, being the guys you make fun of. You make fun of people who don’t deserve to be made fun of because it makes you feel better about your own insecurities. Does telling yourself you like the person you have become, make you feel better? I hope you realize you are lying to yourslef, maybe you just enjoy hurting others and treating them like they are disposable. I can’t belive the one time I thoght you were earning back trust, you fucked me over that bad. Saying that I was trying to ruin everyones night. I would rather not have a panic attack anywhere, especially not in a crowded bar where everyone can see im crying. So shove your “couples therapy” up your ass. You don’t need to touch me ever agian, you should have respected my rules initially when I explained how gaining trust to touched me worked, instead you decided to do whatever you wanted and didn’t want to deal with the ocnsequences. Sucks. Now you have lost my friendship too. You want to lie, say one thing to me and something else to everyone else, pretend like you’re doing the right thing, when you aren’t and get mad at me for telling you you’re not treating people well saying that im attacking you. GO FUCK YOURSELF. You deserve to be with only yourself. Can’t wait to see what happens when we have to be in the same room.

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