#Do you think whatever you gotta say is more important than everything else in the tag for some reason?

[shy9-29]

GIVING HEESEUNG VIAGRA WHEN HE RATER FOCUSES ON HIS GAME THAN ON YOU (it’s not a want, it’s a need.)

and ends up overstimulating you 😜

hard mode activated - lhs (m)

lee heeseung x reader

When your gamer boyfriend keeps ignoring you for his ranked matches, you slip him something to make sure he never forgets who’s really in control—turns out, three rounds later, neither of you are logging off anytime soon. ✉️ wc 1968 - tw ‼️ drug use (Viagra without consent), dubcon, rough sex, degradation, overstimulation, possessiveness, car sex, masturbation, light manipulation, inexperienced reader, breeding kink, praise kink, spanking

📝: this trope is so fun like guys I’m more important. Genre: smut, romance, comedy, slight angst, gamer!AU, modern AU, established relationship, chaotic energy.

“NO—Jake, you missed! What the hell are you doing, bro?!”

Heeseung’s voice is sharp, almost panicked as he throws himself back in his gaming chair, headset slightly askew, fingers tapping violently at the keyboard like it might help him recover from whatever in-game disaster just happened.

You blink at him from the bed, legs crossed, wearing his hoodie and literally nothing else, but he doesn’t even glance your way.

“Are you seriously yelling at Jake right now?” you ask, raising an eyebrow.

“He sold the push!” Heeseung says like that’s supposed to make sense, eyes glued to his screen. “We had it, and then he ran past the stun grenade like an idiot— wait wait wait, I gotta rotate—!”

You push off the bed and pad over to him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders from behind. You know exactly how warm your skin is, how exposed your thighs are when you bend forward just slightly—but he’s still locked in.

“Hee,” you murmur against his ear, swaying a little. “Let me play a round.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re not good at this game,” he says, dead serious, not even trying to be mean—just brutally honest as he adjusts his headset again. “You get motion sick and then you shoot the wall.”

You blink.

Hard.

“Wow. Okay. Rude.”

“I’m just being honest, babe,” he mumbles, eyes still scanning the screen. “It’s fine. You’re good at other things.”

“Like what?”

“I dunno,” he says. “Like… being pretty?”

Heeseung’s never looked away from his screen.

Not once.

You stare at the back of his head for a solid five seconds, arms still wrapped around him.

He doesn’t even notice the silence.

And that’s when something shifts in your brain.

You smile slowly, fingers trailing down to his chest. “You thirsty?”

“Yeah,” he says without hesitation. “Grab me water?”

“Sure.”

You disappear into the kitchen.

And you come back with a water bottle.

But you also come back with a plan.

Heeseung leans back in his chair, headset slipping slightly as he swipes at the sweat gathering on the back of his neck.

Weird.

It wasn’t even hot a second ago.

He adjusts his grip on the mouse, trying to focus. The screen’s still flashing red from the last round. He barely caught the kill cam because your arms were around him, your voice all soft in his ear, and then the way you smiled when he said you weren’t good at the game—it made something twist in his chest.

Now you were gone, and everything felt… weirdly quiet.

Too quiet.

“So… who was that?” Jake’s voice cracks through the headset like a bullet.

Heeseung blinks. “What?”

“Just now. The voice. Sounded like someone was clinging to you mid-match.”

“Oh,” Heeseung clears his throat and taps at his keyboard. “It was just Y/N.”

Jake makes a noise.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, man,” Jake chuckles. “Just didn’t think she was real for a second. You always talk about her like she’s some imaginary girlfriend—‘She’s cute,’ ‘She plays sometimes,’ ‘She made me snacks,’—but I’ve never actually heard her.”

Heeseung frowns. “She is real.”

“Sure she is, bro,” Jake says with a teasing tone. “Although I gotta say, she didn’t sound too happy when you told her she sucked.”

“I didn’t say she sucked,” Heeseung mutters, eyes narrowing at the screen. “I just said she gets motion sick and shoots walls.”

Jake laughs louder now. “Romantic. No wonder she left.”

Heeseung leans back again, shifting in his seat. His whole body is starting to feel tense—tight in ways he’s never felt during a game before. Like every layer of clothing is too warm. His joggers are clinging. The waistband is digging. And his thighs—

He shifts again, more aggressively this time.

“What the—ugh,” he mutters under his breath, running a hand through his hair. His neck is red. His cheeks too. Something’s wrong.

“Hyung,” Jake says slowly. “You good?”

“Yeah,” Heeseung says quickly, voice cracking a little. “Just—it’s really warm in here. I think—maybe I need a break.”

“You? Take a break from ranked?” Jake sounds like he’s about to faint. “Nah, something’s off. Did Y/N mess with you or something?”

Heeseung’s about to laugh it off—say no, of course not—but then he remembers your smile.

That soft “Sure” when he asked for water.

And the way you walked out without a word.

“…I think she did.”

Heeseung yanks the headset off with one hand and slams it onto the desk, jaw tight, breath uneven.

His palms are sweating.

His heart is pounding.

And his cock is aching—harder than it’s ever been in his life, straining against his sweats so much it hurts.

He didn’t even realize it at first—just thought the heat was from the game. But now it’s undeniable. His skin is burning. His whole body’s flushed. And his mind is clouded with one name.

“Y/N,” he growls, standing up so fast the chair wheels screech against the floor.

You’re on the bed.

Phone in hand.

Legs stretched out, innocent as ever like you didn’t just ruin his game and drug him with a freaking hard-on pill.

Heeseung stares at you, pupils blown.

You glance up. Smile.

“Done already?”

His jaw clenches.

“What did you give me?”

You blink, tilting your head. “Just water.”

“Y/N,” he says again, this time lower—deeper. “What did you put in it?”

You hum, pretending to think. “Something to help you focus.”

He’s across the room before you can blink.

Your phone flies out of your hand, tossed somewhere near the pillow, and suddenly you’re pinned flat against the mattress, wrists trapped above your head by one of his hands while the other grabs your thigh, forcing it open.

“Hee—” you gasp, wide-eyed.

“You ruined my game,” he breathes, forehead pressed to yours, nose brushing your cheek as his hips slot between your legs. “I had my best K/D this week and you—you—decided to mess with me?”

“I just wanted attention,” you whisper.

“You could’ve said that without drugging me,” he mutters—but his voice is wrecked, his body betraying him, grinding down against your bare skin like he’s already too far gone.

You whimper when you feel it—how hard he is, how thick, how desperate he sounds trying not to lose it.

“You’re gonna fix this,” he whispers darkly, his lips brushing your ear. “All of it.”

You swallow. “How?”

He pulls back just enough to look at you—and the look in his eyes is lethal.

“You’re not leaving this bed until I come at least three times.”

His mouth crashes into yours—no warning, no patience. Just raw, teeth-clashing hunger.

His hands are all over you now, shaking with the effort of holding back, but still desperate to feel everything. Your hoodie rides up as he rips it higher, fingers digging into your hips so hard it leaves marks.

“I can’t believe you did that,” he mutters into your mouth. “You really drugged me just to make me touch you?”

You nod, dazed, already breathing heavy. “You were ignoring me.”

“And this is your solution?” he growls, grinding down into your core, his clothed cock dragging right against your heat. “This? Making me lose my damn mind while I’m on call with my team?”

You moan when he rolls his hips again—harder.

Heeseung groans, low and pained, like even that isn’t enough. “God, I feel like I’m gonna fuckin’ explode.”

Then he pulls back just enough to rip his hoodie off, exposing that unfairly pretty body you’ve been staring at all day. Pale skin flushed, chest rising fast.

He tugs at the waistband of your panties next—snaps them, actually, then pushes them down your legs in one rough sweep. They land somewhere on the floor.

And then he’s pushing your thighs apart, crawling between them like he owns you.

“You better remember this next time you try to pull shit like that,” he mutters, tugging his sweats just far enough down to free himself.

He’s thick—hard—already leaking at the tip, flushed red and twitching with need. It makes you gasp without meaning to, legs trying to close out of instinct.

Heeseung grabs your knees and shoves them wide open.

“Nope,” he hisses, lining himself up. “You started this. You’re taking it.”

And then he’s sliding in—too fast, too deep.

Your back arches immediately, breath catching.

“H-Heeseung—” you choke, the stretch overwhelming. “It hurts—”

His face falters for half a second, but his hands never stop moving—he’s pushing your hair out of your face, kissing your cheek, whispering, “Shh, I know, baby. I know. You’re just tight. It’s okay. You can take it.”

His hips grind down again, slower this time but still deep, and you whimper.

“You’re gonna take all of me, yeah?” he murmurs against your skin, voice suddenly soft again as he rocks into you. “Wanted this so bad you had to drug me for it… now you’re getting every inch.”

By the time he’s buried all the way inside you, your thighs are shaking, your head tipped back, and you’re gasping like you’ve just been pulled under.

Heeseung isn’t faring much better.

His jaw is tight, his brows drawn together, body trembling with restraint. Every roll of his hips makes his breath stutter—but he doesn’t stop. Not when you whine his name, not when your nails drag down his back, and definitely not when your walls clench around him so tight he groans, loud and broken.

You feel it when he starts to lose rhythm—hips jerking harder, messier, as the high claws its way up his spine. “Fuck—fuck, I’m—”

“Inside,” you breathe, nails gripping his arms. “Inside, please—”

His groan splits through the air.

He presses his mouth to your neck, moaning as he throbs inside you, warmth spreading deep with each pulse of his release. You both freeze for a moment, panting hard, your legs wrapped around his waist like you never want him to pull out.

But then—

Heeseung doesn’t move.

Not really.

He stays inside, chest pressed to yours, still twitching. His hips shift slightly.

And then again.

You flinch. “Hee—w-wait—”

He lifts his head.

And when he looks at you this time, his eyes are darker. Hungrier. Like something else just snapped.

“You thought one round would be enough?” he asks, voice low and wrecked, cock still hard inside you. “You gave me viagra, Y/N.”

Your mouth opens—but nothing comes out.

Heeseung leans down, kisses you slow, then starts thrusting again. No break.

“We’re not done,” he whispers. “Not even close.”

“You’re shaking already,” Heeseung murmurs against your lips, voice thick and low as he rolls his hips into you again—slow and deep.

You let out a sob, nails digging into his back. “It’s too much—”

He doesn’t stop.

Instead, he groans softly, forehead resting against yours as he keeps moving. Every stroke is deliberate now—sliding in deep, grinding against every sensitive spot until you’re gasping and arching into him again.

“You really thought you could drug me,” he whispers, “and this wouldn’t happen?”

You whimper, hips twitching under his grip. “I-I just wanted you—”

“You have me.” His voice drops. “All of me.”

One hand slips between your bodies, fingers finding your clit—rubbing slow circles while he keeps fucking into you like he’s trying to brand you from the inside out.

Your back arches off the bed. “H-Hee—!”

He chuckles, soft but breathless, hips never faltering. “Too much? But you were so confident earlier,” he says, kissing along your jaw. “Now look at you. Messy little thing, can’t even keep your legs still.”

You can’t.

They’re trembling, clenching around his waist, your whole body locking up each time his cock presses into that sweet, overstimulated spot inside you.

“You sound so pretty like this,” he groans. “Can’t wait to hear you again when you fall apart.”

You’re already close.

Too close.

Heeseung feels it—your walls tightening, your moans slipping higher.

So he slows down more.

Keeps you right there, teetering.

Your eyes well up with frustrated tears. “Please—Hee, please—!”

He presses a kiss to your lips. “Beg for it.”

You nod fast, desperate. “Please, Heeseung—I need it, I need to come, I—”

“You’re gonna come with me this time,” he breathes. “So you feel it. Every last drop.”

Then he slams into you again.

Your whole body jerks—and this time when you come, it’s full-body, trembling, breathless, tears slipping from your eyes as he groans into your neck and follows right after, spilling deep inside you again with a shaky, “Fuck, baby—god, you’re perfect—”

You both collapse, sweaty and gasping.

He’s still inside you.

And still not softening.

You’re breathless under him, skin flushed and sticky, legs barely able to stay open—and still, Heeseung doesn’t move to pull out.

He’s staring at you, chest heaving, cock twitching inside your overstimulated walls.

“Still so fucking tight,” he murmurs, almost to himself. “You’re not even trying to push me away…”

Your lips part, dazed. “You’re still hard…”

Heeseung leans down, brushing your sweat-slick hair off your forehead. “I told you—this wasn’t over.”

And then he pulls out.

Only to flip you over onto your stomach with no warning.

You let out a shocked gasp, face pressing into the sheets, hips lifted by his hands until you’re on your knees, your ass in the air.

He spreads you open, slow—gentle, almost reverent—but there’s a wildness in his breathing. A quiet groan slips from his throat when he sees how messy you are, dripping and puffy from two rounds of being stuffed full.

Then his voice drops, deeper, darker.

“You look ruined.”

You whimper.

“But you’re gonna take me one more time, aren’t you?”

You nod helplessly. “Y-Yeah—”

“That’s my girl,” he murmurs, and then he’s sliding back in from behind, slow and deep and mean, hips slapping against the back of your thighs.

You cry out, legs buckling, but his hands grip your hips tight—forcing you to stay still as he pounds into you again.

“Sound even prettier like this,” he groans, picking up the pace. “All wet and fucked-out and crying my name.”

“Feels too good—” you sob, biting down on the sheets. “H-Heeseung—”

“I know, baby. I know.” He sounds wrecked now, breath stuttering. “One more time. You’re gonna give me one more—come on, you can do it.”

You’re shaking, legs trembling, and when his hand snakes around to rub your clit again—you break.

You scream into the pillow as your third orgasm hits like a wave, clenching around him so tight he curses under his breath, hips stuttering.

“Fuckfuckfuck—”

Heeseung buries himself to the hilt one last time, groaning as he spills deep inside you again, pulsing hard while your name falls from his lips like a prayer.

When he finally stills, your body collapses under him, boneless and twitching, his weight sinking over your back as he pants against your shoulder.

Neither of you says a word for a moment.

Just your breathing.

Just the mess.

Just the sound of your heart pounding in sync.

[dumplingsjinson]

List of random dialogue prompts (pt. 2)

“If you felt want and longing the way I did — the way I still do — I promise you’d be driven fucking mad.”

“I wanted the thrill of the chase more than I wanted you.” 

“You really couldn’t have been any more obvious.” “That’s because I didn’t have anything to hide. I was being obvious, because I needed you to know, without a doubt, that I love you.” 

“This is literally the worst moment for me to be saying this but considering how we could die at any second, I need to get this off my chest before I become buried six feet under, without a chance to say any of this to you: I love you. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I’ve loved you every second of my life; from the moment when I knew what loving someone really meant.” 

“I kinda knew I lost all feelings for you when I realised I didn’t want to communicate with you about the problems that were happening between us. I became complaisant.” 

“Loving you is as easy as overthinking everything.” 

“It’s… easy with you. Nice. I don’t have to be someone else to impress you, because I know you love me for me.”

“There are parts of me I’d never thought I’d show to anyone else, but then… You came along, and for some reason, you made me want to be honest with you; bare my soul to you.”

“So what in the hell are we? I’m not doing this unless we’re on the same page.” 

“Please don’t tell me we’re nothing to you… That I mean nothing after everything’s that happened.”

“You’re my emotional support human, and I love you so, so much.”

“If you ever need me, I’ll be right here. Just as I’ve always been.” 

“I’d let you break my heart, if it means I’d get to have you for even a day.” 

“You make me feel like dancing in the pouring rain wouldn’t be such a bad thing.” 

“You’re astoundingly unhealthy for me, but do I care? No, because I wouldn’t have fallen if I cared, especially when I’m someone who’s usually so careful with whom I give my heart to.”

“…I didn’t drunk call you. It wasn’t a drunk call. I called you, perfectly sober.” 

“You’re someone I want to tell things to.”

“What’s more important to me is that I’m your last love.” 

“This… This hurts me more than it hurts you.”

“Falling in love wasn’t on the agenda.” “Do you mean falling in love with me out of all people wasn’t on the agenda?”

“I don’t know, I guess I’m kind of in love?”

“…I want all of you. On top, under, whatever — I don’t care, I just want you.”

“Maybe I can help you forget about them.”

“It’s easier to pretend I’m still in love with them, than leave them in that state.” “You know you basically lying to them about your feelings is gonna hurt them more in the long run, right?” 

“Why does it have to be them? Why can’t it be me?”

“I’ll give you two seconds to take that back.” 

“You gotta work for it, love.” 

“We can pretend that didn’t happen.” “I’m sorry, but I’m not as good of an actor as you are.”

“I don’t know how to… I’ve never done this before.” “Then follow my lead, okay?”

“I’m someone who falls in love easily, but I’m also someone who can’t get over someone as easily.”

“I want to make this work, because I don’t— I don’t want to— I can’t lose you.” 

“You make me want to be a better version of myself.”

“I don’t wanna mess this up with you.” “You won’t. I promise, you won’t, so just… Do whatever. I trust you.”  

“Why are you smiling at your phone?” “…I was looking at the mail app, and uh… Received some good news?”

“Because love isn’t linear. You know that, right?”

“I’m not doing this for you — I’m doing this for myself.” 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person for you.”

“I’m here to stay. At least until you want me gone, which I hope is never.” 

“Chasing you is like chasing the rainbow… It’s impossible. You’re always slipping away no matter how fast I run after you.”

“Don’t give me that it’s not you, it’s me bullcrap. It’s us both. We’re both at fault for this relationship breakdown.” 

“God, I just like you so, so much.” 

“I think I need to get over you for me to feel better again.” 

“You and your stupid smile… Stop that.” 

“I just need you in me somehow, please—”

“I really hope you realised they were flirting with you.” “…They were?”

“I’ve caught feelings for you, and I know you don’t like me back that way so I just… Wanted to tell you, before I decide to let you go.”

“I’ll be here to pick up the broken pieces if that’s what you want me to do, but I’ll leave if you’re not ready for that… For something more with me.” 

“I love you, but I… I don’t think I see a future with you.” 

“Give me a week. A week, and I’ll be back to normal. A week, and I’ll… I’ll be over you. Just a week and you’ll have the old me back. It’s that easy, I promise.”

“I kinda wanna give myself a concussion so I can forget about you and not think about you twenty-four-seven.” 

(pt. 1) | (pt. 3)

[samkerrworshipper]

the monsters gone

part 3 of beautiful girl series -> part 1 -> part 2

leah williamson x reader, jordan nobbs x reader (wobbs as moms)

warnings: drug addiction, drug abuse, talks of illicit substances, depression, intrusive thoughts, would not advise for people in a bad mental headspace

You wanted her to leave, or you were desperate for a fix and well aware that it wasn’t going to happen until she was gone and you could retreat up to your room like normal. 

You scratched at the incision on your forearm, it was hidden underneath your hoodie but you could feel it all the same, it made you feel guilty. 

You’d never felt guilty for taking drugs, why would you? It was your choice, your body, your brain that you were fucking with. Yet for some reason, the little mark that you knew was sitting right on top of your vein was making you feel guilty. You didn’t want to admit it, but it felt oddly like the start of something, you weren’t sure what though, whatever it was though, it didn’t feel good. 

When the door clicked open around 2 o’clock you felt far more at peace, watching your mom hobble through the door with Lia following her. Jordan stood up almost immediately and if the room hadn’t already been awkward then the awkwardness found a whole new definition as the two women looked at each other. 

“Hey Jord, thanks for hanging around, you’re looking good.”

Your mom looked relieved to see Jordan, your ma on the other side looked slightly terrified as she eyed up the two women. 

“It wasn’t an issue, you know I love spending time with my chick.”

Leah smiled, looking down at you on the couch, you buried your head in your phone, ignoring her gaze. 

“Whether she admits it or not she likes seeing you as well.”

Your ma laughed awkwardly, it took everything in you to not burst out laughing at all of the tension between the two of them. 

“Look I’ll be heading off, gotta me back in Birmingham for game review tonight but can we talk for a minute though Le?”

Your mom’s head cocked to the side, a look of curiosity evident on her face. 

“Yeah sure, come with me.”

Lia watches them with the same look of curiosity as you, your eyes meeting as the trail back from the doorway to Leah’s office that they both step into. 

“They’re talking about me.”

Lia doesn’t bother trying to ignore you or deny what you’re saying, she nodes her head. 

“Probably, that’s what most parents do.”

It’s a absentminded answer, and for a second your aware that maybe Lia is in on whatever is happening, that she knows exactly what is going on behind the door. If anything important came from the phone call earlier you know Lia would be the first to know, she was like the third parent you never asked for nor wanted, but somehow ended up with. 

“Ma thinks that Mom’s parenting is shit.”

Lia cocks her head, she’s harder to read then your moms, more calculated, more clean, less obviously emotional. 

“She just disagrees with some of the things that your mother does, so do I. Nobody else is in her shoes though, she makes the decisions that are necessary and best for you.”

Lia sounds convinced of her words, even though you doubt them. 

“Ma doesn’t think so.”

Lia bit down on her bottom lip, finishing with tucking her kit bag away so she could focus her attention on you. 

“She worries about you.”

You did your best to suppress the eye roll, it didn’t work. 

“She worries that mom is too nice and isn’t strict enough.”

Sometimes you thought that your mom compensated for the void between the two of you by letting you do whatever you wanted, other times you were reminded by your grandma that she’d told Leah she needed to go easy on you and that not everyone could be as perfect as Leah Williamson. 

“Your mom knows what you need better than anybody else.”

The conversation paused, the two of you flinching at the sound of yelling from the other side of the door, you couldn’t make out what was being said, both of them were yelling though. 

“Set the table for lunch for me, kiddo?”

You couldn’t pull your eyes from the door, you hadn’t hear your moms yell in a long time, it took you back to when they were breaking up, when they tried to act like they weren’t, when they saved the fighting and yelling for when you’d been tucked into bed and they’d thought you were asleep. 

“Kiddo, table.”

You stood up from the couch, your eyes staying stuck to the door, even as you pulled cutlery from the drawer and laid it out with the placemats on the table. Eventually, the yelling ceased, and the room was over come with a silence like no other, only being broken by the door opening and your two moms walking out, both of them looking far more content considering that it had sounded like they were screaming at each other, not thirty seconds ago. 

“Bubba, Jord is going to head off, if you want to say bye.”

Jordan’s arms opened up to you and as mad and confused as you were, you weren’t going to deny her. You walked around the table, leaning into her hug, wrapping your arms around her the same way she did for you, letting her hold on for a little bit longer. 

“I’ll be back when I can chicky, I love you so much.”

You wanted to tell her she was lying, that they were all lying, they didn’t fucking love you, it was so fucking obvious. But for the sake of keeping the peace you didn’t. 

“I love you too Ma.”

Jordan let go of you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. The same way she had when they’d adopted you when you were eight, the same way she had after your first game when you were 12, the same way she had when you were 14 and you’d been top of your form and given an award, the same way she had when she’d left for good when you were 16. It was the same kiss, yet everything about it was different, the meaning, the purpose, the intention, it was all different. 

You watched as she walked out the door, the same as every time, you listened to the sound of her car starting and the sound of gravel underneath her tires as she pulled out and onto the road. 

Once you were sure she was gone you turned around, sliding into a seat at the table, across from your mother, staring at her. 

“What were you guys talking about?”

Leah looked at you, poker face as good as ever. 

“Football, some other stuff.”

It was a obvious lie, both you and Lia knew it. 

“You were talking about me, what about me?” Leah rolled her eyes at you. 

“It was a conversation between your Ma and I, not for your ears.”

You didn’t bat an eye as Lia set lunch down in front of you, to fixated on your mother. 

“You don’t yell over nothing, what were you talking about.”

Leah pushed her tongue out against her lips. 

“Your ma had some concerns about you, that’s it, I told her she had nothing to worry about and that we were doing just fine.”

You knew that even if you didn’t want to admit it, Jordan probably had some valid points, your mom seemed unphased though. 

“That’s it?”

Leah looked at you, and you could tell that she was holding something back. 

“She told me that you’d told her you smoked weed last night and that you were vomiting this morning.”

You tried to keep your face from changing, keeping the confident exterior even if you were slightly scared on the inside. 

“I got drunk, I had some fun, it was no biggy.”

Leah’s eyebrow rose in the trademark question. 

“It’s a biggy to me because you told all you were doing was vaping and a little bit of drinking, you said you’d be honest with me and it’s clear you haven’t been.”

You hesitated for a second, the air thickening around you as suddenly the tension was between you and your mother. 

“I was just having some fun mom, I didn’t do anything stupid, I was safe, just like you asked.”

Leah’s face shrivelled up as you used her words against her. 

“You were out with friends I’ve never met, at a house on the opposite side of town that I’ve never been too, Jord said you looked like you’d been on a three day bender and I told her that I didn’t believe her but now you’re here admitting it.”

You reached into your pocket for your vape, desperate for something to take the edge of the conversation off, to make you feel calmer. 

You pulled it out and Leah’s face immediately pointed inwards.

“How many times do I have to say no vape at the table?”

You frowned, shoving it back in your pocket. 

“It was just a bit of weed mom, it’s what kids my age do.”

Leah shook her head. 

“It wasn’t just a bit of weed, I’ve been smelling it on your clothes for weeks and trying to tell myself I was being delusional because you’d told me you were just on the vape, that you had no interest in drugs and yet you were lying to me, you have been for a while bubba and I don’t know how to feel about it to be honest. I thought we were closer than most parents and kids, I thought we had boundaries and that I was giving you enough space, and now I don’t know what to think.”

You pursed your lips, struggling to find words. 

“And if you’re lying to me about weed then what else is there? What else is there you aren’t telling me because there has to be more. I let you drop football, I relaxed on the school because I know you were struggling but this doesn’t work if you aren’t honest with me.” 

You really didn’t know what to say, your mind was in a million different places, the container underneath your bed, the joints on your windowsill hidden behind the curtains, the three vapes in your bedside table, the drug dealer numbers in your phone, what had happened last night, the meth track mark on your arm. 

“Nothing, it was just some weed, I just wanted something to take the edge off, it was no big deal.”

Leah’s eyes closed for a second and you knew this was all about to get a lot harder. 

“Except it was a big deal because you’ve been doing it behind my backs for weeks, I’ve tried to be understanding bubba, I have, I know it’s been tough for you with me and Jords breakup, you’ve had a really hard year, I let the vaping slide, I let your attendance drop at school, but drugs bub, it’s no joke.”

You took a deep breath. 

“It’s just some weed, I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

Leah wants to say that if you’re this relaxed about being caught doing weed then she doesn’t want to know what else you’re hiding from her that would make you less relaxed, but she keeps it to herself, or for this moment at least. 

“I want you to bring me whatever you have of it, I won’t have you smoking illicit and illegal substances underneath my roof.”

You figured there were worse things that could happen, she could find your stash, she could take your vape, she could ground you or make you go to school. 

“Okay.”

Your mom nodded, happy she had at least won a small battle. 

“After lunch.”

You nod again in agreeance, looking down at the caesar salad in front of you and stabbing your fork down onto it, picking up the different pieces of lettuce and chicken scattered throughout. 

You make it through half the meal before you grab your bowl and pick it up, walking into the kitchen to do you washing up, your mom follows behind you, her bowl empty. 

You take the dish from her, cleaning it out and stacking both of them in the dishwasher, knowing whats to come now. 

You slow yourself down on the stairs giving her the time to follow behind you as she dragged her bad leg up every individual stair. 

Leah had been putting in hours everyday for her rehab, it was her main focus, over everything else. 

Eventually the two of you made it to the top of the stairs, and eventually to your bedroom door.

You hesitated before opening it, you couldn’t remember the last time Leah had been inside it, way before her acl, ever since she’d gotten injured she’d been avoiding the staircase. 

You opened the door, hand pausing on the cold metal doorknob for a split second before pushing it open. 

Your room was still freezing, you didn’t miss how your mother shivered from the breeze that hit her face immediately, coming straight from the open window. 

“Jesus kiddo, you trying to replicate antarctica in here? You know I pay good money for heating, right?”

It’s a lighthearted joke, yet somehow it hurts for you, you don’t know how or why, you just know that it does. 

“I like it cold.”

Leah looks at you, both brows furrowed inwards. 

“Alright then polar bear.”

You try not to flinch away when her hand reaches up to ruffle your hair, it’s something she’s done to you since you were a kid, it feels wrong now though. 

“Let’s just get this over and done with.”

You walk over to your windowsill, reaching behind the curtain and reaching for the bag of joints that you have stashed behind the material. Leah frowns as you walk back over to her, shoving the bag into her hands before she can even ask. 

“This is all of them?”

She looks completely unconvinced, you probably would be too, most kids don’t give up their drugs willingly. 

“Yes.”

Leah looks at you, eye to eye, like she’s trying to reach into your soul, or read your mind. 

“Bubba, this is your chance, I’m giving you an opportunity to be straight with me, and whatever you tell me or give me I won’t be mad about. I might want to sit down and question your decisions, but I won’t be mad. Teenagers are stupid, they make mistakes, they try new things, I get it. Be honest with me bubba, please.”

You didn’t really know what Leah was insinuating, but it was clear that she knew there was a bigger picture here. 

“That’s it mom.”

You had to tear your eyes away from her, you couldn’t handle the way that she was looking at you, the mix of disappointment, resentment and worry mixed into her blue irises. 

“Bubba, don’t make me search your room, don’t make me have to ground you, don’t make me have to call Jord and get her to turn the car around to help me out.”

You brought your eyes back to Leah’s. 

“That’s it mom, I don’t know what you want me to tell you, I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

You were lying through your teeth and the fact you couldn’t look eye to eye with Leah would have been enough of a warning sign of that. 

“Drugs bubba, that’s what I’m talking about, you’re lying straight to my fucking face right now, I don’t know what about or why but you are.”

You didn’t know what to say, you weren’t going to admit it, you couldn’t, but you needed to say something. Fuck, you were so fucked. 

You tried to spin it in your head, tried to think about how you could make this work out. You were caught, you were done, this was bad. 

Your eyes darted to below your bed, rookie fucking mistake. 

Leah caught your line of sight, and you knew as soon as she did that it was all about to go to fucking shit, that you were done for. 

“Lia.”

Your mom’s voice was urgent, a yell that had the swiss woman bounding up the stairs in a matter of seconds. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

You were so fucking fucked. 

You were frozen in your spot, your mom’s eyes looking at you like she’d just been stabbed in the heart. 

“Bubba, you can get whatever you are hiding from me or I will get Lia to tear this whole room a part, I’m not fucking around.”

You felt torn down the middle, your brain couldn’t think, you felt the same sickness sink in from this morning, instead of it being withdrawals from drugs though it was the realisation that your whole life was about to be turned upside down. 

You tried to think, tried to think about how you could spin this, make it a little bit better than it really was. 

Lia looked more uncomfortable then possible, you wished a blackhole would randomly pop up and swallow all three of you. 

Something hit you, it wasn’t a full resolution but it was better than what you currently had going for you. 

You walked over to your bed, with unsteadier legs then last night when you were so drunk the world was spinning, crouching down when you got to the edge, feeling for the familiar container that held all of your deepest darkest secrets, or at least that’s how it felt. 

It took you back to a time when you’d made Leah check under your bed everynight for the monsters under your bed, now though she was looking for the monsters in your head, the monsters that had turned her little perfect girl into whatever you were now. 

Your hand eventually met the hard plastic, you pulled it out, biting down on the inside of your cheek as you stood up and sat down on the edge of your bed. 

Leah took a couple steps closer to you, standing directly in front of you. 

“Look, it’s not mine, I only did it twice, my friends bought it over, I swear.”

Half of it was true. 

“Open the box, bubba.”

You felt your throat tighten, you felt like you were going to vomit, or pass out, or have a heart attack. 

“Mom, I didn’t want to, I don’t even like it, I just did it because my friends were, I swear.”

It was also another half truth. 

“Bubba, open the box.”

You bit down even harder on the inside of your cheek, reaching for the edge of the plastic box and opening it, revealing the two baggies of white powder inside of it. 

Leah’s face fell, in a way that you’d never seen, you’d seen her disappointed before, this wasn’t it, it was something else entirely and you weren’t sure what. 

“Bubba.”

Your mom was a overly emotional person, you couldn’t handle her crying right now though, you couldn’t do it, you couldn’t deal with her pretending she gave a shit when this was the first time in months that it felt like she cared, and it was all because of Jordan, not on her own volition. 

“I swear mom, I swear, it’s not mine, I promise.”

It wasn’t a lie, it hadn’t started out as yours, you’re friends had left it behind after a weekend hangout and had never asked for it back, so it technically wasn’t yours, technically. 

“Bubba, what is it?”

Leah reached for the box, picking up the two bags, the bags that you felt like held your whole life together. 

“Cocaine, it’s just a little bit of coke, my friends were using it before parties, I didn’t like it, it made me feel dizzy and it hurt my head.”

The cocaine bit was a lie, but the fact you didn’t like cocaine wasn’t, it was the kind of stimulant which put you into over drive, the high lasted no where near as long and it made you feel like you weren’t making sense.

You were hoping she would believe the cocaine, inevitably, cocaine was a pissy drug. Leah would have been at thousands of parties were cocaine was handed around, hell, you were fairly certain your mother had taken plenty of it. Cocaine was less addictive, good cocaine was also stupidly expensive, the value of it was fucked. Meth was cheap but a thousand times more addictive, cocaine was a better like. 

“Lia, get rid of it.”

Your mom handed the bag of joints over to Lia, as well as the bags of drugs, shoving them into her hands like they were burning her hands. “I don’t even know what to say to you bubba.”

Your mom looked genuinely at a loss for words, her eyes kept darting between your eyes and your hands, which were shaking in front of you. 

“Mom, I promise, it was only a one time thing, really, I was just keeping it for my friends.”

As soon as the tears started spilling down Leah’s face you knew it was about to get bad. 

She walked over to your desk, pulling the chair out from it and dragged it across the room until it was directly in front of you, your mother taking a seat. 

Her hands came out to rest on your knees, they were shaking like yours, not as badly but still shaking, though for different reasons you assumed. 

“You told me the weed was a one time thing, that was a lie. I don’t know what to believe anymore, you’ve put me in a impossible situation, bubba. On one hand, I want to believe you. I want to believe the kid I raised, on the other hand you haven’t given me reason to. You broke my trust, you lied to me, you broke the house rules. I don’t ask a lot of you, I let you get away with more than your ma would let you, and I was fine with it because you were showing me you were a good kid, but now I honestly don’t know what to think. You told me it was just the vapes, I thought you were using a little bit to much nicotine and now it turns out that you’re smoking pot and doing drugs. You’ve been hiding and lying and I just don’t get why. Why bubba? Tell me why.”

Big tears were dripping from your mothers eyes, big, wet, fat tears pooling in her icey blue eyes. 

“I don’t know, okay? I’m sorry mom, I’m really sorry. I’m sorry. I love you, I didn’t mean it, it was just some fun, it was a one time thing, I promise.”

Leah pursed her lips, the same way you were, the sleeve of her shirt was pressed to her face, picking up the tears that were dripping down her jaw. 

“I’m going to go and call your ma, this is a discussion we need to be having together, I need her here for this.”

Little did they know how bad it really was. 

Leah stood up, you thought she would just leave, heading back down to make a call to your ma that would inevitably change your life, instead, she sat down next to you, her arms opening up. 

You leaned into her side, letting her wrap both of her arms around you. 

“I’m sorry mom, I’m sorry.”

It was the only thing you could think of saying, the only thing that sounded right coming off the tip of your tongue. 

“I love you so much my beautiful girl, we’ll figure this out, your ma and I, we’re all going to figure this out.”

Leah held onto you for a little bit longer, her arms tightening onto you like you were holding her down to earth, like she would float away if she didn’t. 

Eventually she let go, her face was puffy and red, her sleeves were red and she sounded all sniffly. 

“I’m going to go and phone Jord, we’re going to sort it all out, we’ll figure this out, okay? We’re both here for you, we both love you so much, you’re our little girl.”

You found it weird how easy it slipped off of her tongue, you wondered if she actually believed that she meant it, you wondered if when your mother said it that she meant it without really meaning it. There were words but there were no actions to support those words, just empty syllables and letters all formed together in a intricate lie. 

You watched as Leah limped her way out of your room, her bad leg trailing behind her good one, rule number one of parenting a child you now know is drug addicted, never leave them alone in a room they can escape from when you’ve just confronted them. 

[bucketsofmonsters]

Deep Water - Part 3

cw: the ocean, almost drowning, kidnapping, more tags to be added as the story continues

merman x fem reader

Word count: 5k

read on ao3

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

On your first day of work, you were already regretting not pushing harder to get your siren to promise you he would stay away, glimpses of a snaking tail under the water every few hours stopping your heart for a beat every time. 

You ignored your first sighting, reporting into the office, getting a list of duties and of expected intake for the day. 

You asked when you’d be paid, part of you worried he’d say at the end of the month and you’d be stuck without a place to stay for weeks. You let out a sigh of relief when he said at the end of the week. Only two more days then. You could manage two more days. You were sent off on your way without much else said. 

No one was assigned to help you, to figure out what you were supposed to do or how to start, so you did the only thing you could think of. You went and found Finn.

His face lit up the second he saw you, dropping the box he was holding to run over to your side. 

“Hello little lady, how’s your first day going?”

You glanced back at the discarded cargo. “Do you not need to get that?”

“Is this going to take long? Okay, you probably want help, I’ll be right back.”

He rushed over to the dropped box that at the very least didn’t look like it had been damaged and hauled it over to a safer location, amidst some other unpacked boxes. 

He was back at your side before the incredulous huff of laughter managed to escape you, giving you a sheepish look. “Sorry if I’m overeager, we don’t get many pretty girls out here, I’ve gotta try and help you before someone else snatches you up.”

You gave him a humoring laugh, more polite than anything. 

You had a feeling your intentions with one another did not align, but he seemed pleasant and helpful and whatever his intentions happened to be, you could use that right about now. 

And he held true to his word. For the rest of the day, he helped you figure out your various duties, largely abandoning his own, only occasionally popping out to make excuses or run and do something that others laughed and insisted really couldn’t wait. 

The day passed quickly. The work wasn’t particularly hard, just repetitive. Finn did his best to help but once you realized he couldn’t read, it became a little more difficult. 

He still hovered over your shoulder, something that you appreciated but had the unintended consequence of you having to struggle to pull his attention every time you caught another flash of scales out of the corner of your eye. 

They seemed particularly likely to appear whenever Finn set off from his latest task he was ignoring to help you again.

You bristled at the thought, trying to tell yourself you were making up patterns, that it wasn’t anything at all. 

At least you hoped you were. If it was a pattern, you were going to kill him. 

Even once you got the hang of things, Finn refused to actually leave you, insisting that it was improper to abandon you on your first day. You just smiled and continued on, set on getting everything done. First impressions were important after all, and you needed to look just as valuable as your sister had been. 

Before you knew it, the day was over and people had begun filing out. It wasn’t empty, the dock was never really empty, but it had quieted down and you finished the last of your work, marking everything down as neatly and perfectly as you could. 

“I can take that back for you!” Finn exclaimed as you carefully looked over your work for any glaring mistakes. He seemed excited to find something he could actually help you with. 

Part of you wanted to refuse, to take it back yourself, but he seemed too excited, refusing felt like kicking a puppy. Besides, you imagined he’d have a few kind words to say about you and that couldn't hurt. 

He came darting back over in minutes, that persistent, goofy smile plastered across his face as he skidded to a halt. “Mission accomplished, ma’am,” he said with a little salute. 

“Thank you, I really appreciate it,” you said, trying to push as much gratitude as you could into your voice.

“Now that that’s done, I was wondering if you wanted to go out or something. I could get you some drinks or food or whatever, celebrate your first day being over.”

There it was, exactly what you’d worried this had all been leading to. “Finn…”

Water came splashing up through the gaps in the wood on the dock, drenching the pair of you. 

You jumped, reflexively and far too late to save yourself from any of the water. 

As you looked through the slats, you could have sworn you saw the glint of scales. 

“Yes,” you blurted out, bringing Finn’s attention back to you. “That sounds great.”

You gave him what felt like a poor approximation of an excited smile. 

“Really? That’s amazing. The ocean seems to have something to say about it. She’s nervous, poor girl. Promise I won’t leave you behind.” He spoke down to the waves, attempting to lighten the mood as he saw your face go white in your newly wetted skirts. 

You smiled, your heart hammering in your ears, and after another quiet little bit of reassurance, he scurried off, telling you to stay put while he found a coat he’d discarded earlier in the hot sun and promptly forgotten about, and then you could be off.

Simon, you guessed that was what you were calling him now, decided that was an opportune time to breach the surface of the water and look up at you with those big, golden eyes. 

An anger that had been simmering quietly inside of you at every flash of scales you’d seen throughout the day came to a head as he had the audacity to simply appear like this. “Go away,” you hissed, the words coming out louder than you meant them to. 

This wasn’t like the day before. You knew Finn would be back any moment, you didn’t have time to argue on the shore. 

He remained resolutely above the water, looking up at you with a determination that almost frightened you set across his impish features. 

When he opened his mouth, you held your hands out, trying to tell him to stop, that it wasn’t safe. 

And then he started speaking and your hands fell limp to your sides, warning him not seeming quite so important anymore. 

The words sounded different. Maybe he was singing? It was hard to tell. You couldn’t even make out the words, couldn’t understand any of it. All you knew was that he was there. Why were you all the way up here? You should be down there with him. Maybe then you could understand. 

Whatever noises he was making, ones you were too far away to really hear, wormed their way right through your ears into your head, snaking their way around inside you, taking up the space where your thoughts were moments ago. 

There was nothing but him. 

Everything else faded away until all you could see was amber eyes. 

And then, walking carefully and intentionally, you tumbled into the water, seemingly of your own accord. 

The second you hit the icy water, the warm calm you’d been pulled into dissipated. You weren’t sure if it was the shock of the water or your head going under, no longer able to hear the hypnotic noises from the siren you’d thought was harmless. At least to you. 

And what a foolish notion that was. He was a siren. It didn't matter if he'd saved you or not, of course he was dangerous. You weren’t special to him. Why would you be?

As you tried to come up for air his arms met your shoulders and pushed you deeper and you realized, horrifically, just how wrong you’d been. 

You didn’t understand why he did what he’d done, why he’d helped you before. Maybe he’d just been playing with his food, toying with you until he got bored. 

Your mind newly cleared, you fought to swim up. As you did, his tail wound around your legs and you saw a pout break out across his face. 

Panic rose in your chest and he watched, head tilted, examining you carelessly, with your legs still bound together under the water. 

He looked at you, eyes big and bright and expectant, flicking across your face as he tried to fight back a smile. 

You struggled and his hand grasped yours, keeping it in place, effortlessly keeping you under the waves. The bright look in his eyes shifted to confusion, seeming baffled as to why you’d rather breach the surface than steal a kiss from him and let the cold water invade your lungs. 

As he stared expectantly and confused at you, you wiggled just enough to free one leg, something he seemed unconcerned with as he continued to hold you under. He knew he was stronger than you, that you had no real shot of escape. You both did. 

That didn’t matter to you. You brought your knee up as swiftly and firmly as you could in the cold water that forced a horrible, sluggish feeling into your limbs, and kneed him right in his gills. 

That seemed to activate some instinct in him and he wrapped entirely around you, effortlessly countering you at every point of struggle. They were the movements of a practiced hunter. 

You kicked and fought and made every attempt to break away and breach the surface but he was too strong, too practiced at this. At holding people down. 

You wondered how you matched up to them, how hard you fought compared to his other prey, if he’d remember this at all once you were gone?

At some point in the struggle you must have kissed, in the loosest sense of the word. You missed it in the flurry of movement, just another brush of skin against skin in the struggle. It must have happened though because as your lungs burned just a bit too much and your brain forced you to inhale, you didn’t choke on water but instead felt the burning soothe and your instincts calm, despite the salt water flooding inside you. 

Regardless of your newfound ability to breathe, the fight and lack of oxygen had weakened you and your struggle slowed. 

As it did, he rose to the surface

When you breached the waves, the dock was nowhere in sight. You had no idea when in your fight he’d dragged you out to sea or how far you’d gone. 

“You can breathe,” he said, looking at you with that same quiet confusion as when you’d fought against him. “I made sure you could breathe. Why do you still worry?”

You inhaled in an attempt to answer him with a screamed admonishment and then, before a word could escape you, you were coughing up water

He sat patiently as you did, his arms wrapped carefully around you. 

The last time you’d coughed up water like this, you’d been too relieved to be alive to really notice it. You did not have that luxury this time. The saltwater burned coming up, your lungs feeling heavy in your chest as the water poured out of you. 

It felt like you were dying. You didn’t understand how you weren’t. 

He didn’t seem concerned, just holding you as you fought to empty your lungs so you could finally inhale, every attempted inhalation just stirred the churning water in your lungs, agitating them further. 

As you finally emptied your lungs, you sucked in air. Your chest filled and it hurt more than it brought you relief. 

“You have to take me back,” you forced out, the burning in your lungs exhausting you past the point of screaming at him. 

His lips pursed into a pout and his eyes darted away from yours. “You don’t even like it there,” he said, sounding openly disappointed, not even attempting to hide it. But then, why would he? You were at his mercy, he could do whatever he wanted to. 

“I like it better than I like it here,” you said, gesturing around you at the open ocean. 

He looked around at the ocean surrounding you and then returned his gaze intently to your face. “I can take you somewhere else.”

“You know that’s not what I mean, you’d better not…”

And then he was off, swimming quickly through the waves. 

He kept your head above water carefully, although you still had to keep your mouth firmly shut to avoid inhaling anything, but even that didn’t slow him down. 

And then, with no warning, you were going down, back through thick water. You didn’t have a chance to gather your bearing before it was too dark to see anything, Simon’s grip on your arm was the only thing cutting through the cold black abyss around you. 

Your arm brushed against hard rock, scraping painfully before it was gone and you found yourself disoriented in the space around you once more. You could be surrounded by rock for all you knew, inches away from it. There was no way to tell, no way to really know anything about where you were being dragged. 

Your fight renewed as your air began to run out and the darkness still imposed itself around you. You knew better, knew you couldn’t get away. Even if you did, you didn’t even know which direction was up anymore. Your instincts, however, were not so easily suppressed by silly things like facts. 

You couldn’t help but wonder if he was going to kill you. Even more than that, as your time under the water dragged on, why he was going to kill you? Maybe you’d upset him, made an unforgivable mistake when you kicked him or complained just a little too much. The way it looked now, you guessed you’d never know. You didn’t have the oxygen left to figure it out, your brain starting to get foggy. 

And still, it continued. He dragged you down and down and then your head breached the surface and as you gasped in air, the word flipped right side up once more. 

You dragged air into your pleading lungs, this time no wretched water biting your throat as you did. 

Your lungs still hurt though. A quieter ache. 

Your eyes adjusted slowly to the dark and you could barely make him out in what appeared to be a cave, the moon shining in through a few holes riddled in the rock above you. 

“You could’ve killed me,” you said, desperation creeping into your voice. 

His head tilted. “No. I know how long it takes a human to drown. You were fine.”

His words did nothing to settle your unease

“Is this better?” he asked, gesturing around to the cave you’d approached from beneath. 

The water was just a small pool in a larger cave, leading off a few feet before revealing a glimpse of the outside world through the holes that let the light in. 

You hauled yourself out of the water to look and saw that there was no other way out, only the horrible, dark path through the water he’d taken you through. 

You couldn’t get out of here on your own. 

Even if you could, you had nowhere to go. There was probably just more open water outside these walls. Even if there was land, you had no idea where you were. 

You wondered if Finn was worried about you yet. Maybe he was. Or maybe he thought you’d abandoned him, left him alone on the dock in lieu of having to go out to dinner with him. 

You weren’t sure which you were hoping for, which was better for him to believe. Which would be easier to explain when you returned? If you returned. 

“You need to take me back,” you said, trying to force some authority into your tone. 

“Can I ask you some questions about humans?” he asked, completely ignoring you. 

“No,” you snapped. “You can’t. You can take me back.”

He drifted towards you and you pulled back further onto the patch of dry land. 

That seemed to hurt him, like he couldn’t understand why you would possibly be wary of him. 

He rested his head on the rocky shore, looking defeated, slowly drying blonde hair curling up around his eyes as it was freed of some of the weight of the water, and you fought to not think that if he hadn’t just done what he did to you, maybe he’d look sweet. 

“Who was that?” he blurted out, his head lifting with his words as his jaw moved against the stone below him. 

“What?”

“On the dock. He was talking to you, you were leaving with him. Who was that?”

“Who, Finn? Why do you-” A thought began to dawn on you. “His name is Finn. You hang around the dock, do you not know him?”

He shrugged in the water. “I’ve seen him.”

“And you care now? That’s kind of sudden.”

“I guess.”

“Alright. Did you kidn- Did you take me so I wouldn’t go with him.” You did your best to keep your voice measured in an attempt to get an honest response from him. 

“You’re supposed to go to the beach. You weren’t going to the beach.”

“No, you rejected my deal, remember? I thought I wasn’t going to the beach because you were just hanging around.”

He rolled his eyes just barely, enough to make a quiet irritation stir in your stomach. “Can’t talk to you when I’m around,” he said, matter of factly. “You said you’d go to the beach.”

“I know, but something came up. I’d have come back. I can’t miss one day?” you said, trying to reason with him. 

“One day? It was the first day!” he said with a huff. 

“I hadn’t even left yet, how did you know I wasn’t going to go meet you.”

“Were you?” he asked, and you didn’t have a good answer for him. 

“We’ll never know, will we? Because you decided to kidnap and almost drown me.”

“I didn’t almost drown you. I would never drown you.”

Now it was your turn to roll your eyes. “Alright, well at the very least you decided to hurt me.” Sharp words bounced off the stone walls of the cave. 

His eyes widened. “I hurt you?”

“Yeah, of course you did. I couldn’t breathe. And that’s beside how bad coughing up sea water hurts.”

He shook his head. “You’re fine, why would it hurt?”

“Simon,” you said, “It hurts humans when we can’t breathe. And we aren’t meant to have to breathe water, it burns when I have to get it out.”

For someone who presumably had drowned dozens of humans, he seemed to have little idea how drowning actually felt. To be fair, he probably didn’t have many chances to learn about the human side of the experience, you didn’t imagine many survived long enough to tell him about it. 

“Oh,” he said, deflating a little. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Right, just to kidnap me.”

He nodded with no air of shame regarding his actions. “Yeah.”

You settled back against the wall of rock behind you, trying to think of what else you could say to get yourself out of there. 

He looked up at you and suddenly he seemed unbearably nervous. “You want to leave.”

“I thought we discussed this, I have to leave. I can’t just disappear, there are people waiting for me.”

“Finn,” he asked, saying the name like it tasted rotten in his mouth. 

“Yes, Finn. I told you, I can’t just disappear.”

You had to lean closer to him to hear his next words at all, his voice unbearably quiet. “It’ll hurt you.”

You slid back into the water beside him, hope sparking through you. “I’ll be fine, I just want to get out of here.”

His hands snaked around your sides, pulling you close to him. “Do you want to hold your breath or breathe the water?” You could feel his breath on your skin as he spoke. You didn’t understand how breathing worked for him, where his lungs ended and his gills began. 

You shivered as you thought back to retching up the water, how it had burned coming up, how the attempted gasps felt inside already heavy lungs. “I’ll hold my breath.”

He nodded solemnly. “I will be fast.”

You sucked in a breath before he pulled you down, a luxury you had not been granted last time. 

He was true to his words. You could feel the water rushing past you as you held your breath, clinging to him the whole way. 

When you breached the surface, your lungs didn’t hurt quite as much as they had the first time around. His grip on you was tighter than when you’d arrived, a fear present in him that wasn’t before. 

Your hands were wrapped around his neck, the desire to get yourself away from him gone now that you were fairly certain he’d bring you back, even if he wasn’t happy about it. 

He brought you to the shore, a familiar spot.

Something occurred to you as you found yourself in shallow water. “How’d you even know where to take me? When you first found me, you took me right here.”

“I know where the ships are going. Always to the same spot.” He sounded almost annoyed at the ships’ predictability. 

“Well, they have to go to a dock.”

He grumbled in response, his discontent evident. You weren’t sure how much of it was from this grudge against ships and how much was because he’d had to bring you back to shore.  

You pulled yourself out of the water and wanted just sit there for a while, regain some of your energy. 

The second you hit dry land, Simon was gone, disappearing before you could say so much as another word to him. 

You didn’t really have time to talk or rest anyway, running back onto the dock as quickly as you could, hoping Finn hadn’t left yet. 

You found him standing alone on the dock, looking dejected right until his eyes drifted towards you. His eyes widened as they met yours and his expression shifted from surprise to concern, rushing towards you. 

“What happened?” he asked, pulling the jacket he’d run off to retrieve over your shoulders. “I thought you’d gotten bored and abandoned me but a swim at this time of day hardly seems like a good idea.”

“I fell in. Guess I’m more tired than I thought,” you said with a sheepish smile, hoping it was anything close to convincing. 

His hand drifted up to push wet hair away from your face. “I’m sure you’re not feeling up to going out anymore…”

“No,” you said, not thinking of Finn at all but instead set on rebelling against the attempts to stop you from going. It wasn’t fair to Finn, but by the time that occurred to you, you’d already spoken. “I mean, you waited all this time for me, it would be rude not to go.”

He seemed too excited to notice how suspicious you were being. “Alright, but make sure you’re not overextending yourself.”

You nodded with an unenthusiastic smile and let him lead you off to a tavern somewhere. 

It was a largely uneventful evening, all things considered. He bought you some soup, something nice and hot that you could feel in your bones, creating a comfortable warmth in your core. 

Your reticence to talk was barely noticed. Finn seemed more than happy to fill the silence, letting you bundle up under the thick wool of his coat and focus on your food. 

Before you knew it, it was gone and there was nothing left to distract yourself with. 

You waited for Finn to finish whatever story he’d been telling that you hadn’t been listening to and said, “This has been lovely, but I should be getting back.”

He laughed. “What, back to work? I’m not that boring, am I?”

You started as he pulled you fully out of your head back into the tavern. “What? No, of course not.”

“So where are you staying then?” he asked.

You shrugged. “Nowhere. I’ll find an inn after I get paid but until then-”

“You could stay with me!” he blurted out before you even had the chance to finish your sentence. 

You weren’t quite as enthused. “Look, Finn, I don’t…”

“This isn’t me trying to come onto you, honest. You shouldn’t have to stay out in the cold, it’s not right. I mean, no wonder you're tired. If you don’t get some proper sleep you’ll drown, and then who am I supposed to try and impress every day?”

It was most certainly untoward, but the offer was tempting nonetheless. 

You reevaluated Finn, trying to determine how much you really trusted him. Enough for dinner, sure, but enough for this?

You thought about spending another night alone on the cold shore and decided that yes, you did trust him enough for this. 

As soon as you nodded your assent, he grabbed your hand, pulling you towards the stairs in the tavern. 

You couldn’t help but think that taking you to the tavern he was staying at felt presumptuous but the allure of a warm room and blankets were too strong for you to say anything to that effect. 

His room was decently sized, with a large bed pressed against the back wall. Reassuringly, he started to set up a space on the floor for you, moving some blankets from a chair in the corner to the floor. 

To your chagrin, he began to settle into the nest of blankets on the ground and you immediately moved to set it right. 

“Absolutely not, you will not sleep on the floor in your own room.”

He looked up at you with big, sad eyes. “But-”

“No buts, I will leave.”

He sighed. “Fine. But know that I’m not happy about it.”

You settled onto the floor and he slid another blanket off the bed onto you. You accepted it without argument, allowing him this at least. Besides, you were in no state to be turning down blankets. 

It was late and the blankets helped against your still damp form. The calm itself was refreshing and you fought the urge to thank Finn, who seemed like he’d already drifted off to sleep since you’d begun to settle down. 

You had no choice but to try and follow him. 

You slept restlessly but at least you slept.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 41, part two

(Masterpost) (Pinboard)  (whole thing on AO3)

Warning! Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Nie Mingjue and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

Empathy continues, jumping to Meng Yao and Nie Mingjue's encounter in Nightless City. Once again, let's look at how we saw it the first time around.

In Episode 22, Nie Mingjue unwisely decided to do a stealth advance push on Nightless City, as if "stealth" and "Nie Mingjue" ever belonged in a sentence together. After his inevitable capture, Meng Yao rocks up and says hey.

We cut away to the battle outside and then come back inside where NMJ hits MY with a palm strike.

Meng Yao actually expresses anger for once, knocking NMJ over with a kick, and yelling at him for being rude in front of MY's new boss, Wen Ruohan.

NMJ comes after him again but Wen Ruohan gets involved and the fight turns into NMJ vs. WRH until Nie Mingjue is knocked out. He ends up on the floor surrounded by dead or unconscious Nie cultivators; we don't see, at this time, how they got that way.

(More behind the cut!)

In Episode 41: the encounter in front of Wen Ruohan starts the same way, but Meng Yao taunts Nie Mingjue, fondles his shoulder, and then kills a couple of his wingmen.

Meng Yao--Wen Yao?--has never looked better. He's still rocking Nie braids and Nie colors - with a nice snake pattern trimming his robe. I'd like to say this is evidence of his snakey nature, but the idea that snakes are bad and sneaky is a biblical concept, not a Chinese one.

Anyway the important thing about his look here is that his makeup is gorgeous and his demeanor is totally confident. Unfortunately I can't find the tumblr post that talks about his sassy ex-boyfriend energy in this scene, but it was a wise observation.

Nie Mingjue's sidekicks provoke Meng Yao into killing them - one by insulting the hall they're in, and the next by calling him 走狗-- literally "running dog," but Viki translates it as "lackey."

"Lackey" is a little insulting but it's basically a job description, whereas Meng Yao's reaction to being called "running dog" is more like the way people react to being called "boot licker" in English. I'm not saying it should be translated this way, however - feet have a whole lot of meanings across cultures. I think it could have just been translated "running dog" because by 41 episodes into this show, we have learned that calling someone a dog is rude and insulting, thank you Wen Chao.

Anyhoo, after Meng Yao kills the second dude he asks if anyone else wants to call him 走狗, and Nie Mingjue immediately does. Meng Yao just smiles and has his own lackeys bring Baxia, in a fancy box, to him.

Then he fondles the blade while explaining that he's been spending some quality time with it. Nie Mingjue watches helplessly, unwilling to beg but afraid of whatever's going to happen.

Meng Yao tells him that his Dad's sword was better than his, and asks him to guess how many times WRH will have to strike Baxia to break it. I'm saying "strike," but Viki translates it as "smack" and Netflix translates it as "spank," with questionable results. How many times WILL Wen Ruohan spank it, I wonder?

Meng Yao taunts him some more: Wen Ruohan broke NMJ's father's saber and sent it back to him, which caused him to die of anger. He says this while getting up in NMJ's space and putting on an expression of ecstacy.

NMJ hits him, since that's his solution to everything; Meng Yao gets mad and kicks Nie Mingjue to the floor. It's not clear to me why Meng Yao talks so much shit if he doesn't want to get hit.

Aftermath

The confrontation where Xichen protects Meng Yao is the same as episode 23, up to a point. Nie Mingjue wakes up in Lan Xichen's manly arms and has a moment of happiness before seeing Meng Yao standing by holding Baxia.

NMJ goes to attack him but Lan Xichen protects Meng Yao and explains his whole spying gig -- calling him A-Yao, which has gotta chap Nie Mingjue's ass.

Lan Xichen can block a blow from Baxia one-handed. Hot.

There's a nice parallel here, where Meng Yao uses Lan Xichen as a human shield, similar to Wei Wuxian using Lan Wangji to protect him from Fairy in Episode 34.

Wei Wuxian is, of course, way more handsy about it.

Meng Yao passive-aggressively tells Lan Xichen that he didn't explain his actions because that big meanie Nie Mingjue wouldn't have believed him anyway, and then he kneels in front of Nie Mingjue. That's as much as we got of that whole encounter, in Episode 23.

In Episode 41, after Meng Yao kneels, he explains his situation and said that he only said all that dickish stuff to Nie Mingjue to gain Wen Ruohan's trust, and he's sorry about hurting his feelings.

Nie Mingjue says how about you kneel to those dudes you killed.

Lan Xichen tells Nie Mingjue that yes, A-Yao did horrible things, but I believe that in his heart he… we don't hear the rest because Nie Mingjue interrupts by destroying a lantern, but we don't need to hear the rest because it's the same thing Lan Xichen says all the fucking time; it's become his core belief in the years since.

Meng Yao is surprised that it's the lantern that died and not him, but Nie Mingjue is in an impossible situation. Meng Yao has recruited Xichen so completely to his side that if Nie Mingjue wants to stay friends with LXC, he has to accept Meng Yao . You can see in his face that he knows he's beat.

Continued in part 3!

[just1cefor4ll]

— You’re the kind of person they write rock songs about

modern!au Viktor x fem!reader warning. swearing, not proof read, might be OOC

part six || part seven || part eight

A/N. okay ngl this chapter is so shitty but i have serious writers block so i guess this will have to do :P

‘Your beauty is so vain

It drives me, yes, it drives me

absolutely insane.’

You stared at the ceiling, thinking about none other then Viktor. Who else would you be thinking about anyway? He’s been all over your mind for the past month so it’s no surprise he’s still lingering there even in this moment.

You were hanging out at Ekko’s dorm, asking for advice though he wasn’t of much help.

“Oh my fucking god Ekko you’re literally not helping at all.” You groan, putting a hand on your forehead. You sit up, sitting cross legged with Ekko barely paying attention to your paranoid self anymore. “How did you make the first move on Powder?” You ask desperately trying to get any useful advice out of him.

“Alright, listen," Ekko sighed, finally setting his phone down to give you his full attention. "First of all, you’re overthinking this way too much. Second—why are you even stressing? It’s Viktor."

You groaned, flopping back onto his bed dramatically. "That is exactly the problem, Ekko. It’s Viktor. He’s, like.. I don’t know.. him?And I don’t wanna screw this up."

Ekko rolled his eyes. "You’re acting like he’s some impossible riddle to solve."

"He kinda is!" You sat up again, running a hand through your hair. "He’s smart as hell, he overanalyzes everything, and he probably thinks I’m just being friendly whenever I try to flirt."

Ekko snorted. "You are just friendly. You’re terrible at flirting."

"Wow, thanks."

"Just saying," he shrugged. "If you actually wanna make a move, you gotta make it clear. No weird mixed signals. When I made the first move on Powder, I didn’t hesitate. I knew what I wanted, and I went for it."

You raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? And what did you do, Romeo?"

Ekko grinned, leaning back against the wall. "I told her straight-up that I liked her and then kissed her before she could overthink it."

Your eyes widened. "You what?"

"Yeah. No games, no confusion. Just straight to the point."

You stared at him like he had just grown a second head. "That’s insane. I can’t do that."

Ekko sighed dramatically. "Well then, I dunno what to tell you Y/N. If you wanna make a move, you either do it or you don’t. Simple as that."

You chewed on your lip, processing his words. "Okay. Maybe not that bold, but.. I get what you’re saying." “Good." Ekko picked his phone back up. "Now, if you’re done panicking, I’d like to get back to my very important business."

You peeked at his screen—he was watching cat videos.

With a sigh, you stood up. "Fine, fine. I’ll figure it out. But if this goes badly, I’m blaming you." "Yeah, yeah," he waved you off. "Just don’t overthink it. You got this."

You weren’t sure if you believed that yet, but still, you left his dorm with a little more determination than before.

You entered your dorm, opening your phone to text Viktor but it looks like he had thought a bit farther ahead then you had, because right there on your screen was a notification from none other then Viktor.

——————————————————————————

[vik.tor222] Are you free tonight?

[truly.y/n] oh? since when do u make plans?

[vik.tor222] Since I decided to make your night more interesting.

[truly.y/n] bold assumption that you being here is interesting

[vik.tor222] Admit it, you’d be devastated if I didn’t show up.

[truly.y/n] you’re delusional

[vik.tor222] Yet here you are, still replying instantly.

You frowned at your screen. He was getting cocky.

[truly.y/n] hm, what’s the occasion anyway? you bored or just wanna hang out?

[vik.tor222] or maybe i just want to see my favorite rockstar?

You huffed, but your stomach did a little flip.

[truly.y.n] whatever. maybe I don’t want to see you tonight

[vik.tor222] Lying doesn’t suit you, rockstar.

You bit your lip, ignoring the way your face warmed.

[truly.y/n] fine, pow is leaving around 8pm, i was just about to play my guitar so if you’re lucky you might get a free live performance >;D

[vik.tor222] Can’t wait.

——————————————————————————

You rolled your eyes, smiling like an idiot as you set your phone down.

When Viktor arrived, you were already playing your guitar, fingers idly plucking at the strings as you sat cross legged on your bed.

He leaned against the doorframe, watching you with that small, amused smirk of his. "You were serious about the live performance." "Always," you grinned, patting the space beside you. "Come in, take a seat. I promise not to charge you."

Viktor chuckled as he made his way over, sitting beside you on the bed. His cane rested against the nightstand as he settled in, tilting his head slightly as he listened to you play.

"You’re really good," he murmured after a moment.

You shot him a teasing look. "I have a band, Vik. Would be awkward if I sucked." Viktor huffed a laugh. "True. But still—you are impressive." Your heart did that stupid fluttery thing again. "..Thanks."

A comfortable silence followed as you continued to strum softly, just playing whatever came to mind. After a while, you set the guitar down and leaned back on your hands, glancing over at him

“So.. anything new in the lab?” You asked, keeping your voice light. Viktor hummed in thought. "Not really. Other then Jayce almost setting the lab on fire again." He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. You stiffle a laugh, gasping dramatically; “No way!” You say in mock surprise. “Yes.” Viktor shook his head. “I keep telling him, just because something looks stable does not mean it is stable.”

“Classic Jayce.”

“Unfortunately.”

"Why engineering and physics?" you ask suddenly, catching Viktor off guard.

"Hm?" he replies, raising an eyebrow.

You laugh awkwardly, fiddling with your guitar. "I mean, why those majors? Is there a cool backstory, or is it just something you're good at?"

Viktor thinks for a moment before answering. "I've always been fascinated by how things work—like putting together a puzzle. The more I learned, the more I wanted to create things that could change how people live."

You nod. "That makes sense.”

He tilts his head. "What about you? Art, right?"

"Yeah, for me, it's the opposite," you say, smiling. "Art is about creating things that don't necessarily make sense but still feel right."

Viktor considers this, then shrugs. "That sounds freeing." You laugh. "It is, but it’s also a challenge to make it come together. Just like your work, I guess." He nods slowly, a faint smile on his lips. "I get that."

You both fell into easy conversation after that, talking about random things—your band, his research, upcoming gigs, the ridiculous amount of people who had started messaging you online asking for new music.

Eventually, though, you both got tired of talking and decided to put on a movie.

Halfway through, you started to get really comfortable, shifting closer to Viktor. Without thinking too much about it, you leaned against him, resting your head on his shoulder. Viktor didn’t react at first—just a small, sharp inhale before he relaxed under you. Encouraged, you moved a little closer.

Then, in a move that surprised you, Viktor gently pulled you towards him, adjusting you so that you were practically lying against his chest.

Your heart stopped.

You hesitated for a moment before settling against him completely, your cheek resting over his heartbeat. His arm stayed around you, fingers lightly tracing up and down your back.

"You good?" you murmured, peeking up at him.

Viktor exhaled, a small smile playing on his lips. "Hm? Yeah.. m’fine.”

Neither of you moved after that. The movie continued playing in the background, but it barely mattered. The warmth of Viktor’s body, the slow and steady rise and fall of his chest—it was all so.. peaceful.

At some point, your eyes grew heavy, and before you knew it, sleep was tugging you under.

Viktor didn’t say anything when you finally drifted off, but he did let his fingers brush lightly over your arm, holding you just a little closer.

It wasn’t a confession. Not yet.

But it was something. And for now, that was more than enough.

Viktor woke up slowly, warmth pressing into his side, a weight draped over him.

It took a moment for the fog of sleep to clear, for him to register the steady rise and fall of your breathing, your head still tucked against his shoulder, arm loosely curled around him.

His chest tightened.

Carefully, he turned his head, just enough to see your face—eyes shut, lips slightly parted, hair falling messily against his shirt. Peaceful. Unaware of the way you had completely undone him.

His fingers twitched at his side.

He should move. He should.

But for a few more moments, he let himself stay.

How had he let this happen?

How had you managed to slip so effortlessly into his life, into his mind, until the thought of not having you there seemed impossible?

He swallowed.

He needed to tell you.

The thought alone made his pulse quicken, but—God, he couldn’t keep pretending. Not when you were right there, curled against him, like you belonged there.

The door swung open.

Viktor tensed, head snapping toward the entrance just in time to see Powder step inside.

She stopped short.

Eyebrows shot up.

Then, a slow, shit-eating grin.

“Well, well, well.”

Viktor exhaled sharply, already bracing himself.

“This is new,” Powder mused, crossing her arms. “Didn’t take you for a cuddler, lover boy.” Viktor frowned, carefully shifting Y/N’s arm off of him before sitting up. “It was not planned.” Powder’s grin only widened. “Sure it wasn’t.” He shot her a look before grabbing his cane and standing. Powder tilted her head. “So. You gonna tell her?” Viktor’s grip tightened slightly. “..I intend to.” Powder hummed, rocking back on her heels. “Good. ‘Cause I really don’t wanna watch you two keep dancing around each other.” Viktor shook his head, amused despite himself. “Yes, I am aware.”

Powder smirked, stepping aside as he made his way to the door. “Lover boy,” she called after him, just loud enough to make sure he heard it.

He didn’t give her the satisfaction of reacting.

He made his way towards his dorm, his mind full— full of you. This wasn’t new. He had spent too much time thinking about you, about what he felt, about what it meant. But now, after tonight, it wasn’t just in his head. It was real.

His fingers brushed over his phone, hesitating.

It was absurd, really, how fast it had all happened. How easily you had slipped into his life, uninvited, without him even realizing what was happening.

The first time he had ever seen you was at The Last Drop. He can’t imagine how differently his life could’ve went if he hadn’t agreed to Jayce’s constant begging and pestering about him going out and leaving studying behind for just a day.

He didn’t like the idea of being there, not for a bit at least— but then you came up onto that stage and he forgot how to think.

You had been something else entirely. The warm lights caught the curve of your smile perfectly— the easy confidence in the way you moved, the way you just carried yourself was so alluring, he couldn’t resist succumbing to your charm.

He hadn’t been the only one captivated.

That night, they had all been introduced to you. He knew of your existence before then, but that night he got to know you better— the musician, the artist, the lightning storm in human form.

He couldn’t wait to hang out with you again— not sure if that would even happen, but then Vi burst into the room with a text from her sister, that they’d be going to a café that week and that his group was invited. And there you had told him—offhand, casual—how it was your dream venue. How you had always wanted to play there.

And that gave him an idea.

Why had he even done it in the first place? The call? Setting up the entire gig? He wasn’t sure, but something deep inside him told him to do it—and so he did. In his mind, you deserved it. And when he saw the excitement in your eyes? His heart had felt like fireworks bursting on the Fourth of July.

And then—

The cheek kiss.

So quick, so effortless, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

That was when he knew. That was when he realized he was screwed.

And now— Now, he had to do something about it.

The whole damn friend group had been pestering him for weeks. Jayce, Ekko, Isha, Powder—all of them, telling him to stop being an idiot, to tell you.

Viktor exhaled, gripping his phone.

It was late.

Too late for this.

But his hands moved before he could stop himself.

——————————————————————————

[vik.tor222] I like you Y/N

[vik.tor222] like a lot

[vik.tor222] god you’re literally all i can think about you make me insane

[vik.tor222] i love you, rockstar.

——————————————————————————

He set his phone down as soon as he typed the last message, his mind racing with all the possible outcomes. What if you rejected him? What if you laughed in his face, or worse, ignored him completely? What if—

His phone buzzed.

And his mind went blank.

© just1cefor4all— I don’t consent to my writing being reposted to other platforms or fed into AI. Translating it is also strictly prohibited. 🚫

taglist: @erica2024 @lolixsstuff @skullmvncher @startingtoloveyou @astarionapologist @th3stup1dcat @fiveperrcent @fadedpinkpen @noxturnalmoth

[teojira]

I hope it's not too much to ask... do you have any head cannons about Bigby dating neurodivergent reader?

[Bigby Wolf with Neurodivergent!reader]

Summary: Bigby trying his damndest to be a good s/o

Warnings: Bigby trying his best, you're a mundy in this!

A/N: Cracks my fingers, it's been fucking ages since someone has asked me about Bigby. I hope these are okay! I miss this man so much. Incurable brainrot he gave me for the last 10 years.

I am not confident in these but I tried, thank you for requesting!

Bigby is rough around the edges, he's not gonna be the best person to comfort you or say the rights things. He's gonna fuck up, and he's gonna feel like shit about it.

You're gonna have to be understanding that this'll probably his first genuine relationship with a mundy, and while the fables use glimmer to pretend to be humans, they're not.

He doesn't get it, neurodivergentcy is not a common topic in fables lives, he will learn for you.

Bighy tries his best though, the second you tell him you're beginning to feel overstimulated, he'll make room and take you away from it.

He's overprotective, almost to an annoying degree but he can't help it. He's not gonna ease off, and he thinks he can handle everything on his shoulders that gets thrown at him.

You gotta tell him that yes, while you may be different and have some issues that fables don't frequently deal with, you're not a child.

Depending on what you struggle with more, he tries to fill in the gaps.

Struggle with time management? He'll be the one to try and remember for you, or telling you to keep track of the alarms on your phone when he isn't around.

Issues with anxiety? He'll force you to lay down with him, sitting in his shitty chair with you on his lap. He'll give you the run down of his day, letting you ask any and as many questions as you want until whatever that's scaring you is gone.

"I'm just, so scared to go in-"

"Do you want me to go?"

"I couldn't ask you to do that."

"So what I hear is that I'm going with you."

There are no real off days for the man, but he does his best to follow you around like a guard dog when he's technically off duty.

He realizes it could be seen as codependent but you're his partner, the primal urge to protect you is strong and it will damn near overweight whatever else has has going on.

Mood swings that deal with anger? He knows all about that, he'll let you scream and cry as much as you want, hell he'd let you hit him if you wanted, he lets you work through your issues on him and just holds you after.

Struggle with the hustle and bustle of the city? He keeps you far away from just about everyone, he's not well liked and he's sure if they spot you, they'll give you a hard time. So he'll probably be the one visiting you on your side of town more often than not.

Takes into consideration that the cigarettes he smokes can be a sensory overload, so he tries to limit it to when he's away from you.

At first he tried to push back on it, saying that it's just smoke but when you put your foot down and say it makes you sick, he starts to wean off of them.

Always tells you you're not a bother, that he would never mind comforting you nor does he hate that he's your safe person.

It makes him feel like he's actually important, that he has a job that actually means something.

He deals with bullshit day in and day out, but at least he has you and you have him.

[max1461]

There's something about like old school American culture uh, like, imagine the archetypal notion of a teacher, from like, 1920 or whatever. Imagine what a Kansas city pre-Great Depression guy thinks of when you say "teacher". Well she's a girl who is teaching you the alphabet, right, you've gotta know the alphabet. Your ABCs. It's important to know your ABCs. Where did the ABCs come from? Probably god, like everything else. You're not a scholar and neither is she. You're probably a Mormon or an Evangelical. Shit came from god, the ABCs came from god, or maybe you don't even think about it and the ABCs just are, right, they just are. You're not supposed to think about it, or ask questions. These are the ABCs, which you must know, and the teacher is here to teach them to you. "Science" means, you know, invention, which is really getting off the ground lately. A lot of new inventions making us richer. Gotta know your ABCs so you can set up a snake oil stall so you can buy the knew inventions coming up all over the place these days. Gotta go to church because you're a good christian. I mean, you're not that good a christian. You drink and fuck around. But the important thing is you don't question it, you don't question the church, you're more concerned about learning your ABCs so you can sell snake oil and buy new inventions than anything the church has to say but you don't question the church and so you're a good christrian. The ABCs were created by jesus 6000 years ago and as long as you know that it's ok to get drunk and have sex with prostitutes. But it's not very advisable because that's your invention-buying money but you might do it anyway.

This is very, this is the modern Saudi royal family to me. This is modern Saudi Arabia to me I think. There is a deep spiritual connection between 1910s Kansas city snake oil salesmen and Mohammad bin Salman they're one and the same guy.

[cerastes]

Do you feel there are people whom you would agree with politically, whom you consider allies, but they have a really tiresome philosophy?

A worldview where the world is cleanly divided into "oppressed" and "oppressors", where someone is born into one category and can never leave it no matter what they do, and that is it morally superior to be "oppressed" even if that means vilifying any attempt to succeed at life. And they spend less energy on improving the world than on policing speech, and dividing humanity into smaller and smaller collections of combined traits to find new levels of virtue and sinfulness.

What if that defeatist, joyless paradigm is what "other people" call Wokeness?

Mm see, the thing is, yes, I do feel this way with some people, but I also try to temper my feelings on the subject matter based on lived experience, or lack thereof.

What I mean by that is that, in terms of privilege, I have it pretty good: I'm straight, male, cis, without any major disabilities, and I've never faced the possibility of going seriously hungry -- understanding "seriously hungry" as a complete and absolute impossibility of affording a meal no matter how squalid it is -- or homeless at any point of my life.

I've had hardships, for sure, but they have been of a distinctly different nature than the ones we are talking about, with distinctly different consequences. I've never been threatened to be ostracized or killed by my community based on my identity.

On one hand, yeah, I have no interest in people who spouse so intimately these topics to the point it permeates everything they do and say and think. They are, as you said, tiresome. I in fact have stopped talking to some friends who are like that altogether, because I have my own concerns, my own hardships, and most importantly, when I am on my free time, I don't want to listen to the 60th complaint about westerners this and cis people that in any particular day. It doesn't delegitimize whatever valid complaints they have, but, and here's the important part, I don't have to be there for it. I already know these things. Do they bear repeating for the 60th time? See, if they do for anyone in particular, that's fine, but they gotta find the other people that are there for that for the 60th time, that isn't me. Or in other words, I also have a responsibility to not be there for that, and find people that aren't going to do that.

I think actions speak louder than words, so, I try to live my life according to my beliefs, and I respect people that do this as well. Conversely, yapping on and on about something, no matter how important it is, is hollow to me if you aren't backing it up with concrete actions. You can say incredible things in social media or even privately in chat, but also, are you doing something for your community -- in an offline space or an online space -- besides this? Using Tumblr specifically as an example, I have a lot of LGBTQ+ and/or leftist friends IRL that actively participate for the benefit of their respective communities, with tangible actions, and they don't really respect Tumblr because a lot of talk is just talk to them. Conversation isn't unnecessary, mind you, but it can't all remain in Saying The Correct Things So I Can Be On The Moral High Ground. The moral high ground by itself is so useless, lmao, ok buddy you are up there, now what else are you going to do besides reminding us you walked up the stairs? Show me something concrete. Concrete can also be engaging in actual productive conversation rather than repeating the same points over and over to your online audience that already agrees with you.

You know how Mormons and stuff go door by door not as a means to actually convert but instead to build even more dependency on the group by showing them how hostile the rest of the world is? It's kinda like that. Echo chambers are not to my liking.

But.

But.

Here's where we circle back up there. I've not lived a life of oppression. So I think to myself, "man, I've not gone through that, maybe I'd be like that too if I did?" and, putting aside the entire point of Doing Stuff Instead Of Just Saying Stuff, sometimes we do need to Say Stuff. It relieves the weight on our shoulders, decompresses us, it's an important part of it, and maybe some people need to perpetually do that to decompress.

So, I try to see it from another angle: I just don't gotta be there. I know where I stand, and I act according to what I believe is right. Anyone that can vouch for me will do so, I believe, not because of what I preach, but from how I've behaved. And that's what I'll keep doing, Doing Stuff instead of endlessly saying stuff. If there's people that want to endlessly say stuff, it's not really my problem, and instead of I'll simply look for people that Do and Say simultaneously.

TL;DR -> Yes but I don't care too much because it's people I make a point not to be around in the first place, and at the same time, my experience and reality is vastly different so I can only be respectful of those with less ingrained privilege than me in how they go about their tribulations. Does that make sense to you?

[nerdygoth77]

Some of my favorite Porter Gage lines!

“Keep your irradiated ASS away from me” 

“Boss”  

“Piss me off and I’ll still kick your ass from here to the Atlantic.” 

“Sure was fun! Huh Boss?” 

“I ain’t got the brains for mazes” 

“How's it go? “This town ain't big enough for you and me?” Awh nevermind :(“ 

“Ain't no way people paid for this shit, I refuse to believe it.” 

“Who the hell's idea of fun was this shit?”

“Ever feel the tiniest bit hurt that the institute hasn’t tried to replace you with a synth? I mean c’mon! I’m important. I-I’m worth replacing......” 

“Think about it…. If beer is still good after two hundred years.. Is it really something worth drinking?” 

“Personally, wouldn’t ever trust anyone to knock me out with gas or whatever, even if they claimed they were going to help.” 

“Can you imagine… having so much extra shit you’d need someplace to store it all” 

“Not paying ATTENTION-” (I fuck up a lot and trigger traps LOL)

“Not a big fan of being underground, so the sooner we wrap this up the better.” 

“Once upon a time, I suppose folks had nothing better to do than sit around outside”

“Greeaaat, because I ain’t seen enough trees and grass.” 

“Like I hadn’t already seen enough glowing shit to last a lifetime.” 

“Believe it or not, this is more civilized than some places i've lived”

"One of these bugs ever takes me down you tell people I died from trippin’ over my gun, fallin’ off a cliff, anything! It would be less embarrassing.” 

“Places like this….Makes me realize life was mostly shit before the bombs fell” 

“God…. Being in here is soul sucking.” 

“I hope you know where you’re going, I forgot my map.” 

“Least we ain't gotta worry about being hit by a train…..Right?”

“No question that shit was made to last…Maybe the wrong shit but still.”

“Me? I like night time. Something about it just feels right.” 

“You’re a real stunner, ya know that?”

“Are you shittin’ me” 

“Ever seen a dust angel? Bettin’ I could make one.” 

“Shiiiiitt I hate getting weeettt” 

“I’ve got a strong stomach, but ewwugh.” 

“You’re my kind of crazy boss.” 

“Boy do I love watching you work.” 

“Anyone ever tell you….your ass looks great in that vault suit.” 

“Don’t know about you, but I can’t see in the dark.” 

“You’ll always be the overboss of my heart- Hehehehe I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t keep a straight face.”

“Blamo” 

“Sheeeeeettt” 

“Don't mind me, just throwing up a bit in my mouth here.” 

“Damn, I hate insects. Like I needed something else to wipe off my fucking shoes” 

“VerMIN”

Everything. Just everything he says is wonderful. His voice is so fucking sexy.

"I'm not that big of a dick"

"Bullshit. Without me I'd be scraping your guts off the floor"

"Before you start pissing all over the plan, why don't you take a minute to hear me out."

"You ready to listen?"

"You're one ruthless son of a bitch aren't ya?"

"Awwwhh C'mon :("

"Just give this a chance, you might even have a little fun."

"Tell yuh whut."

"Everything all peachy with our friendly neighborhood psychopaths?"

"Welcome home, boss."

"I knew you had it in you."

"Next, the fun stuff."

"You look like shit."

He refers to getting high as "Getting blitz." LOL

"Well that oughta make things more interesting"

"hehehe OOPS."

"The fun we can have in this thing!"

"That one have pictures in it?"

"I like a good haul as much as the next guy-"

"You sure you got everything? There's a few more rocks you haven't picked up."

"I never had the hands for that kind of shit. Glad you do."

"You got some nimble fingers there huh?"

"You okay?" (When he shows concern?? UGH)

"Well now, would you look at that."

"Oh for the love of-"

"You gonna build me something nice?"

"Lookin good, Boss."

"oooh, gutsy."

"Pretty tough mutt you got there." (Any dialogue about Dogmeat is great)

"Aww, look at how nice and clean this is, and I here am, dirtying the place up." (one of my favorites)

There's so so many more but I didn't want this to get crazy long

[meowzfordayz]

NSFW Alphabet — Uzui Tengen

Author’s Note: for my own sanity, only some of these headcanons include Hina, Makio, and Suma. 😆 As w/ all hcs, these are simply my opinions in this exact moment of writing, and are subject to change depending on the context/my mood! 😉

NSFW Alphabet — Uzui Tengen

Uzui Tengen x Reader

Word Count: ~3,100

CW: 18+NSFW, ass!play, cream!pie, degrading language, explicit language, Fem!Reader, oral, public

MILESTONE 20.0

~faqs~

Aftercare? what they’re like after sex

Tengen’s aftercare can be… overwhelming. 🤭 Water and cuddles are appreciated, but do you really need a three course meal? An entire change of bedsheets? A steamy bath complete with petals and/or bath salts? A full body rubdown? Occasionally, the answer is YES! 😌 But oftentimes, the answer is: “Tengen, I’m not going to make it through the appetizer, let alone whatever else you’re planning.” 😴 Because as grateful as you are to be thoroughly pampered and cherished, sometimes the best aftercare is simply a quick rinse followed by promptly passing out.

Body Part? their favorite body part(s)

Tengen’s obsessed with your tits. 🤤😍 I mean, have you seen Hina, Makio, and Suma?! *cue that “You six are the most important things to me.” “Six? But Lord Tengen, there are only three of us.” “I said what I said.” meme* 😂 Sensitivity matters more to him than size or shape; if he can’t elicit a soft gasp from brushing his fingertips across your nipples, then what’s the point? ☹️ He’d be your personal bra if you’d let him, glued to your back 24/7, hands cupping your tits. If you have smaller tits: “But Tengen, they’re not even that big. I don’t need a bra!” “Okaaay, but I come with heating and massaging services! 🥺” If you have larger tits: “Honey, do you need help? ☺️” “Help? 🤨” “If they’re too heavy, I happen to know a strong man who can ease your burdens.” *cue Tengen winking exaggeratedly at your tits*

Tengen’s arms and thighs are to die for. He can hold you up against a wall, biceps flexing as your nails dig into his skin, cock thrusting steady and deep into your pussy, hardly out of breath, until you’re whimpering T-too much, g-gonna cum a-again. He can also keep you in place while you grind your clit against his thigh, forearms toned and unyielding as you melt into his chest, whining as you near your orgasm, unable to rest under his gentle, unforgiving guidance. “Mm, such a pretty thing, getting off on my thigh,” squeezing your waist in warning as you try to slow down, “What a pathetic whore, so anxious to cum the moment she sits on my lap,” grinning smugly as your body shudders, “There’s no stopping now, babygirl’s gotta finish what she starts, gotta make a mess on my thigh, then, maybe, I’ll let you go.” If you really think he’s letting you go after slipping your panties aside to feel your wetness seep through his pants, casually lifting you—with one arm, of course—just enough to fuck rough fingers into your clenched heat… think again. 😃

Cum?

Tengen prefers cumming in your pussy or on your ass. When he’s feeling intimate, finishing in your pussy feels like the ideal ending; it’s heavenly, sexy, and the perfect amount of lewd when you spread your folds so he can watch himself drip out of your stretched hole. If he’s feeling dominant, cumming on your ass satisfies his urge to claim and mark you in a more degrading manner; “My filthy fucking bitch,” as his cum coats your asshole, dribbling down the backs of your thighs, making a mess of the sheets below, “Wearing my cum so beautifully, what a slut.”

Dirty Talk?

Uzui Tengen aka King of Dirty Talk™️. Mind you, King™️ doesn’t mean everything he murmurs into your ear is mouthwatering, panty dropping, orgasm inducing, but it does mean he talks. A lot. Constantly. “You close to cumming? Close to squeezing the life out of my cock? Can’t wait to die by your pussy, mmm, yes darling, kill me.’ … … … 💀 To be fair, 9 out of 10 times he says something that’s actually pleasurable. 😆 “You hear that babydoll? The sound of your greedy pussy squelching around my cock? Look down gorgeous, look at how well you take me. Look and listen, tell me what you think, hm?” Spoiler alert: there’s no way you’re telling him what you think, because fucking you speechless happens to be his specialty.

Experience? their level of experience

Factoring in Hina, Makio, and Suma, Tengen’s quite experienced. They don’t have foursomes too often (coordinating four schedules is a nightmare lmao), which actually benefits his sexual familiarity and comfortability, because 1-on-1 with three different women means plenty of consistent variety and opportunities to experiment/learn/grow. Toss you into the mix (they’re all very happy to get to love and be loved by you 🥰), and fivesomes are even rarer than the elusive foursome. Omitting Hina, Makio, and Suma? Tengen’s still experienced, but sexual experience doesn’t necessarily equate to emotional or romantic maturity. Does he know how to bring his sexual partners to world shattering climax? Yeah. Does he know how to nurture intimacy and depth beyond carnality? ~Eventually! He isn’t inherently closed off to the idea or concept of closeness — he just needs the right person (you, heh) to feel like taking that next step is worth his time, energy, and investment.

Foreplay?

Tengen LOVES foreplay, but he also LOVES penetrative sex, so it’s a perpetual, inner debate for him. 😖 Does he bask in the glory of you giving him head while he’s gaming with Kyojuro and Sanemi, or does he go afk (away from keyboard) to bend you over the bed and fuck you between rounds? 🤓 On that note, he prefers receiving, primarily because it’s easier for you to randomly suck his dick than it is for him to randomly perform cunnilingus. 11/10 has calender anniversary reminders for all the various places you’ve blown him i.e. 1/27 Bar Bathroom Blowjob 🍻; 4/19 Changing Room Blowjob 👕; 10/31 Halloween Party Blowjob 🎃. Besides blowjobs and cunnilingus, he’s a sorry sap for making out (when he supports the back of your head/neck and kisses you deeply UNF) and pinching your nipples until you’re begging him to play nice.

Goofy? their sense of humor

Ever seen movie/tv show bloopers where actors laugh while trying to film a serious/sad/etc scene? That’s Tengen during sex. He isn’t consciously silly, but his intensity/somewhat domineering attitude occasionally misses the mark. To his credit, he’s generally aware of your mood and what the ~vibe is, but sometimes all he wants to do is spank you—”Can you be good for me? Can you count? From one to ten, can you count out your punishment?”—and all you end up doing is giggling and sassing off: “Can I count from one to ten? Why, yes, yes I can!!!!!” *cue unstifled laughter* 🤪

Hair? pubes maintenance

Short of zero maintenance, Tengen has next to no preference about his pubic hair. If you want him clean shaven? He’ll do his best (shaving his balls only scares him ~a tad). If you appreciate ~some hair? He’ll literally have you sit on the bathtub beside him while he grooms, and rely on you to tell him when to stop. And if you also have next to no preference? He falls into a monthly trim routine.

Intimacy? their degree of intimacy

Sex with Tengen tends to lack toe curling intimacy. Your toes will certainly curl for other reasons, but he isn’t really a stare-into-my-eyes-as-I-whisper-sweet-nothings lover; he’s a, “Look at me while I fuck your pretty cunt,” firm thumb lifting up your chin, “I said look at me,” fucker. If you ask for more intimate sex, then he’ll certainly try his best, but all it takes is a few clenches of your walls around his cock—your eyes rolling backward, soft whine pushed from your chest, as he buries himself balls deep—for him to dissolve into his usual demanding demeanor.

Jack Off? masturbation

Including Hina, Makio, and Suma, he hardly ever masturbates. Sex isn’t a given—he doesn’t take anyone for granted, nor assume that someone’ll be available whenever he’s horny—but he doesn’t want any of you to feel rejected or neglected either. It’s a careful balance between respecting his right to privacy and personal time, as well as him not constantly declining sex because, “Oops, I already masturbated today.” Excluding Hina, Makio, and Suma, he tends to masturbate/initiate sex more days a week than not. If you aren’t in the mood, then he still checks in that you’re alright with him satisfying his needs alone, because again: he cares more about you feeling desired and taken care of than he cares about immediately fulfilling his sexual urges. He’s less so asking permission to masturbate, and more so ensuring nobody feels left out.

Kink? ~specific turn ons

Tengen enjoys shibari, but only when there’s enough time for it to be artistic and sexual. Bondage satisfies him too, but there’s a distinct difference between tying your wrists and ankles to four corners of a bed versus having you kneel and move in front of him as he creates fluid, silky knots and patterns across your body. Both forms involve you trusting him to a degree that riles and soothes his desires to control and protect you, just as both forms typically end with him cumming in your pussy, hands clutching your hips as he trembles, feeling his slick squelch out from the fullness of his cock inside you, balls soon sticky and messy. However, shibari is more meditative and collaborative—a mutual dance—whereas bondage leans toward leading and following—precisely choreographed (and he’s the choreographer). P.S. He’s definitely the type to own a sex swing. 😵‍💫

Location? where they prefer to have sex

When it comes to penetrative sex, Tengen prefers the bedroom (or living room) — nothing like knowing there’re solid walls to hold and fuck you against, as well as a soft and comfy bed (or couch) for less effortful/more creative positions — the bed/couch provides cushioning for potential falling/mishaps when trying something new. But oral sex? Tengen’s happy to receive a blowjob practically anywhere, anytime (so long as you’re comfortable). He’d much prefer he be caught with his pants down than you, and has likely had to laugh off one or two ~interruptions. 😅

Motivation? ~general turn ons

Modeling clothing and sleeping in his shirts! 😍 You could model a winter coat and snow pants, and Tengen would still be eager to “find” your breasts beneath the thick layers of polyester and fleece, as well as squeeze your now thoroughly padded ass. 🤪 And if you model lingerie, swimwear, or anything remotely revealing? He’s 100% chugging water and fanning himself, legs parting as he not so subtly grabs his crotch, “I think we need to do a sit test before you buy those,” while patting his thigh. Are some of his reactions exaggerated? Yeah. 😂 But does he do it all to hype you up and because he’s attracted to you? Also yeah. ☺️ On a different note, wear his clothing, and he’ll immediately offer to let you keep it for forever. “Wearing my shirt?” he grins slyly. “Mhm.” “Keep it,” he declares. Eyebrows raising, you tilt your head, “What?” “I just want you to have sweet dreams!” he winks. “And wearing your shirt…” “Will obviously grant you sweet dreams.” “Surrre,” you drawl, arms crossing amusedly. “Aaand you’re absolutely gorgeous.”

No? turn offs

Unless it’s with his cock, Tengen isn’t huge on breathplay. Light choking? Sure, if you ask nicely. But more serious breathplay? He’s just a little too informed about the dangers of cutting your brain off from oxygen to properly enjoy it. 😕

Oral? giver or receiver

Tengen prefers receiving oral sex, mostly because he can’t get over how stunning you look with his cock in your mouth. As beautiful as you look—and feel—cumming while his tongue flicks rapidly at your clit, it just isn’t the same from between your thighs; your head tilts backward, pretty eyes disappearing from view, legs suffocating him and his view. But you, tracing the tip of his cock with your glistening tongue, one hand shoved between your legs, the other clutching his thigh, struggling to balance bringing yourself to orgasm and coaxing shudders from him? That is a sight he’ll never tire of.

Position? their favorite position(s)

For cumming in your pussy, Tengen adores having you on top. Make no mistake—he’s happy and able to do most of the work (grabbing your hips and thrusting upward into your cunt)—there’s just no better way to watch your tits bounce. Make him suck on your fingers before playing with your nipples, and he’s liable to cum much sooner than anticipated. For cumming on your ass, Tengen doesn’t really care what position you’re in; he’s focused on chasing his orgasm and keeping his thrusts as hard and precise as possible. If you’re on your back, then he’ll simply flip you over when he needs to cum, impatiently waiting to paint a lil heart on your ass with his cum (he cums first, and then uses it as ~paint — his swollen tip’s the paintbrush). 

Quickie? a fan or not-a-fan

Tengen isn’t the hugest fan of quickies. He considers sex a privilege, an indulgence, an experience, and rushing it means less time to reach its potential. That being said, if he’s in the mood and there’s only time for a quickie, then he won’t hold off— he has the stamina to chase immediate gratification and enjoy his time (with you) ~later too. 😌

Risk? their risk tolerance

Despite his flashy persona, Tengen would rather partake in safe, “tame” sex than put his partner(s) at risk of bodily/emotional harm. Regarding himself, he’s less reserved. In other words, if someone’s going to be caught with their pants down, then he’d prefer it be himself than his partner(s). Even if you tell him, “Getting caught sucking someone’s dick can still be as embarrassing as getting caught having your dick sucked!” he’s unlikely to acknowledge his double standard — you’d really have to push to be the one undressing in a ~risky situation.

Stamina?

Tengen can go for hours, primarily because he can stave off cumming for hours. Sometimes you have to beg him to cum, as in, beg for him to cum, because your pussy’s swollen and sore and the copious amounts of lube aren’t enough anymore. “Tengen, please,” you whimper, mouthing weakly at his neck, body folded sweaty and exhausted atop his chest. “What is it?” he murmurs, only slightly breathless, slow thrusts continuing as he kneads your ass, “Please what?” “Please cum,” you groan, folds stinging from the relentless friction, “I swear if you don’t cum soon-” Smirking, he rocks his hips sharply upward, eyes closing as he drawls, “Then what?” “Then you’re pulling out and cumming in your fist.” That changes his pace real quick — best believe he’s cumming in your pussy, or not at all. As for his actual refractory period, he’s capable of multiple orgasms throughout the day, but the more he cums in a day, the more days he’ll need to recharge afterwards. 🪫

Toys?

Tengen may or may not dedicate a sizeable portion of his income to sex toys, especially factoring in Hina, Makio, and Suma. While he appreciates being called a Sex God™️, he’s a relatively humble god 🙃, and is fine acknowledging the usefulness and efficiency of dildos, vibrators, etc. He definitely researches options of intrigue before buying, and only purchases well reputed— oftentimes more expensive—toys. If any of you (“you” being Hina, Makio, Suma, and you) request a custom dildo of his penis, then you bet he’s making four of them!!!!! 😃 Why would he squander the opportunity to watch all four of his partners—all at the same time—fuck themselves with ~his cock? 😤 If you’re into anal sex, then he might splurge even further and make eight… because why would he squander the opportunity to watch all four of his partners—all at the same time—stuff all of their holes? Does this mean he’d technically need twelve if we’re counting mouths as well?

Unfair? how they feel about teasing/being teased

Tengen loooves teasing, but isn’t fond of being teased himself. 😬 You can tease him—he isn’t a jerk about it/won’t promptly shut you down—but he will flip the tables sooner rather than later. Verbal banter goes over better with him than physical playfulness, because it’s just too easy for him to manhandle you. If you’re dominant/switch leaning, then he’ll occasionally relinquish his reins, but doing so absolutely requires lengthy discussion and upfront negotiation/explanation (of your needs) prior.

Volume?

Tengen murmurs lowly and grunts loudly; a combination of seductive, filthy, and sometimes nonsensical dirty talk + guttural, staggered noises as he nears his climax. If he’s cumming multiple times in a day, then he’s definitely shouting, “Fuck, fuck, fuckfuck, FUUUUUCK!!!!!” by his last orgasm — similar to shouting through a difficult part of a workout, because cumming multiple times in a day is 😮‍💨.

Wild Card?

Tengen’s contemplated getting his dick pierced more than once, but hasn’t followed through with it because he’s afraid of the pain. Don’t get him wrong!!! 😠 He’s tough!!!!! 😡 Just not that kind of tough. 🫠

X-ray?

A show-er for sure, almost 8 inches when fully erect, and as thick as you’d expect (very). Proper preparation and lube are generally a must—another reason Tengen isn’t super into quickies—but he’s fairly straight with minimal veins, aka no wicked curves or texture that require further adjustment. The head of his cock is relatively small, so getting through the initial squeeze and fullness isn’t the hardest part; it’s a ~journey all the way down to his balls. 🤠

Yearning? sex drive

Goes through periods of initiating sex every other day to not feeling anything in particular about sex for like, a week. With four wives, that neutral period is important for resetting himself and getting shit done — taking care of himself + four partners sexually can take up a lot of time! Of course, you can obviously pleasure yourself + each other too (permutations, math, 5 numbers), and he’s more than content to watch—or hear about it later—when he’s not quite up for participating himself.

Zzz?

Instead of crashing immediately after sex, Tengen crashes immediately following aftercare. He has plenty of energy to go ~overboard with aftercare, and precisely no energy once he knows you’re both comfortably grounded and sated (if you let him, then he will cook you that three course meal mentioned in Aftercare, and he will start nodding off at the dining table once you’ve taken your last bite 🥱). He’s pretty indifferent about how you sleep after sex; just don’t roll over to the complete opposite side of the bed without even a pinky toe or finger touching him 🥲 — he’ll fall asleep thinking he’s upset you, but too tired to actually ask. 🥺😴

[angel-of-the-moons]

A Rose Under The Moon

Moon Knight System (Marc, Steven, Jake) x Fem!Reader

TW/CW: Child Abuse, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression

A/N: Here's some more angst I'm sorry Also, sorry for this chapter being so short!! But it felt important and I kinda wanted to do more short chapters like this to help stretch the story along a bit further. But we're so close! More drama is afoot! Angst! Despair! Dun dun duuuuun...

Taglist:@bad4amficideas @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @shirukitsune @lokisremainingsanity @mundivagantsoul @furblrwurblr @zoleea-exultant @latenightcravingz @daygirl26 @thelastemzy @leahnicole1219 @marsmallow433 @crazyunsexycool @oscarissac2099 @littlenosoul @animechick555 @capsiclesworldsblog @cloudroomblog @lov3vivian @princessakirika @fog-sama @cheshire-salvatore-mikaelson @badbishsblog @stardream14 @meowmeowyoongles @kate-ohara @kittenlover614 @patchesofwork @enheduannasposts @lillycore555

Chapter 13:

A Rock, A River, And A Boy With a Soft Smile

The dreams weren't constant.... but some of them were better than the first. Sometimes worse... But whatever they were, it was obvious that these dreams were connected to your soulmate... Why else would you be able to touch the boy but nobody else?

As you dreamt, more and more happened. You never saw the boy as an adult man; only ever as a child, or varying ages below 18. It took you a short while to figure out just what these dreams were.

His memories.

And they explained so much of the phantom pains and bruises you'd felt growing up your entire life.

It wasn't until tonight that you were in a different place; trees and grass surrounded you. There was a rocky outcropping with what looked like a crevice inbetween the crags.

Outside of the cave was a boulder, and on that boulder was the boy. His knees were tucked up to his chest and his arms were wrapped tightly around them, his face buried as he shook, bruises visible on his arms, his clothes dirty; twigs stuck out from his raven curls here and there. It became obvious rather quickly that the boy had possibly slept out here.

You rushed over to him, compassion hitting you like a freight train and gently placed your hand on his shoulder.

His reaction was instinctive, brought on by practice of avoiding his mother's blows. The boy's arms immediately went up to cover his head, flinching to protect himself from a blow that you were never going to deliver.

"It's okay, I'm sorry!" You hushed him gently as he scrambles down into the grass to get away from you. You fell to your knees, feeling the dirt and mud cake onto your pajama pants; you held your hands out to him, showing you weren't going to do anything.

It wasn't until one amber eye peeked out at you that he finally realized you weren't his dreadful mother. He lifted his head and his eyes widened.

"Are you okay?" You asked him desperately, "Are you hurt?"

"What are you? Did he send you to mess with me?" He asked you, his voice cracking slightly in pitch, "Because making me do those... those things aren't enough? Now he's gotta... gotta..."

That broke your heart even more; he was so young. Too young to be suffering this kind of abuse, too young to worry about when the next blow was going to land. He shouldn't have to think of his home as a battlefield he had to navigate like some kind of shell-shocked soldier.

"Nobody sent me, I just... I'm here." You try to tell him.

His eyes frantically searched your body, unable to focus on any specific part of you. His brows furrowed and he swallowed.

"You... you can't see me, can you?"

He shifted to sit on his knees, looking towards your face, not quite able to place where your eyes would be. "I... N-No. You look like a... a blob."

Despite the circumstances, you can't help but laugh. "A blob?"

His brows furrowed and he licked his lips, a healing cut on his bottom one making him wince a little. "...You sound funny too. I can't hear everything you say."

"I can hear you." You replied slowly, inching closer to him as he tried to piece your words together. When he didn't move away, you took it as a good sign, that he was comfortable with you. Or, well, getting there at least.

His little eyes seemed confused, and he pursed his lips. "He... didn't send you?"

"Who's he?" You questioned.

"...A bee?" He asked, his face scrunching up in confusion.

You snort, sighing, "This isn't going to be a flawless method of communication, is it?"

He watched as you scooted to sit next to him, and his body instinctively leaned closer to yours. He was shivering. Cold. You were, too, but... clearly you hadn't spent the night in the woods like he had.

He swallowed deeply, forcing the chatter in his teeth away as best he could; "Y-you're...."

"Who you need me to be." You said resolutely, bringing your arm around his shoulders, tucking him into the warmer shelter of your own body.

He seemed to understand the intentions behind your words, even if he couldn't hear them clearly, sighing as his body sunk into the warmth your body bled for him.

Your hand rubbed his warm softly, and you whispered, "Why is this happening to you? Why does she do this?"

"She hates me." He told you. He didn't need to hear you clearly to know you were asking about her. His mother.

He wiped at his runny nose, sniffling. "It's my fault. I-I did something bad... It's all my fault and she... I didn't mean to do it, I swear!"

You felt your heart lurch painfully in your chest as he started to cry, wrapping both arms around him as you tucked him tighter against you, holding his head against your chest to let him cry into your shirt.

"I deserve it. I'm... I'm a bad person. I... I'm..."

Those words made you want to scream, but you kept your voice in check as you pet his hair to soothe him as best you could.

"You're not a bad person." You told him softly, kissing the top of his head as he held onto you. "You're just a boy. Who's hurting, being hurt. It doesn't make you bad. It makes you a victim."

You didn't care if he heard all of what you said to him, but you prayed he understood what you meant by the feeling in your voice as you said them.

He lifts his head to look at you, disheveled, scared, and confused. The bruises and cuts on his lip make your heart hurt and burn with the desire to get your hands on that monstrous bitch of a woman he calls mother.

His smaller hand grasps at one of yours desperately and he holds it to his cheek, desperate for more gentle touches; as if they would soothe the aches and pains left behind even when the wounds had healed and bruises had faded. His sleeve rises up and your eyes trace the faint mark of... of a flower. You couldn't tell what kind, as the bud hadn't bloomed, but...

No, it wasn't time to focus on that right now. He needed comfort. He needed you.

You sat there, unsure of how much time had passed in your little dream sequence, before he finally spoke up again. His voice was softer, this time:

"You can't do this anymore."

"What?" You blinked at him in shock. You even had to shake your head to make sure you hadn't knocked something lose somehow.

He pulled back from you, and stood up, backing away from you.

"You can't keep finding me." He says, tears welling up in his eyes once again. "I'll hurt you, too."

"Wait!" You say, reaching out for him, your heart breaking yet again as he stepped further out of reach. "What's your name?"

"I don't want to hurt you, too... not you..." He sobs softly, clenching his fists before he runs away.

You are barely able to let out a scream before the earth opens up and swallows you whole; and everything goes black.

Chapter 14: Link

[homestuckreplay]

New Year, New Trolls

(page 1089-1099)

So far, every scene of Homestuck has taken place on John, Rose, Dave or Jade’s birthday. I’m also really excited that the Dave flashback we got a glimpse of on page 1073 is real and here, even if his city looks miserable in December. And page 1089 includes an absolute top tier line: ‘When [John] sees your staggering gesture of sentimentality he will finally understand. He will understand that in the game of facetious sentimental gestures, no one gets the best of Rose Lalonde.’

It’s also fun learning that both Rose and Dave have changed their desktop wallpapers recently! I’m delighted to know that Rose Lalonde’s previous wallpaper was the official art for the Call of Cthulhu card game – sorry, the Foretelling of Fluthlu card game – with a heavy purple filter applied. I believe this edition is from 2008 and Rose is definitely playing it. Meanwhile, Dave has chosen an officially licensed Starsky & Hutch wallpaper, released by Warner Bros. as promotional material before the movie’s 2004 release. Dave has removed the ‘In Theaters March 5’ but kept everything else identical. Ironically, I’m sure.

John’s Letters

John is the sweetest, and I wish he could see more of his own strengths and wasn’t dunking on his own drawings here. His letters are very different to how he communicates via Pesterchum – he’s expressing feelings towards his friends far more strongly here, and he’s also showing a deeper understanding of them than usual. It must be easier for him to express himself with that extra layer of distance, having time to think about his words and knowing that he won’t get a direct response.

John casually drops that Rose has been his friend ‘all these years’, so they’ve known each other since they were… 8 or 9, maybe? That’s a reasonable age to be on the internet and proficient with typing, and see each other as old friends by 12 or 13. I mean, they’ve probably been friends for 4 years and 13 days at the start of the story, so that fits.

John knowing what a wet T-shirt contest is feels pretty jarring, and totally came from whatever movie he watched the night before writing this. More obviously in character is John saying ‘they're totally authentic! they actually touched ben stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point’ in his December letter to Dave, and then using the exact same phrasing via Pesterchum the following April - ‘you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point’ (p.110). It’s also extremely heartwarming that Dave immediately takes off the shades that match his brother’s and puts on the new ones he got from his best friend, and then never switches back. John says ‘i think you just gotta get out of your bro's shadow and spread your wings dude!!!’ and Dave actually listens. That’s a hard thing to do all at once, but a big first step, and it only happened because Dave had support from an actual cool person in his life.

Here’s the thing: John loves his friends. Jade’s visions and their importance suggest that a lot of Homestuck is about predestination, and that it’s possible that at least John and Jade’s meeting was fated or engineered. But even if all four kids only met because of something Jade saw in dreams, that doesn’t create love! They’re still the kids who put in the effort to connect despite all their differences and who go above and beyond to care for each other and show love on each other’s birthdays! At this point John knows nothing about any predestination, he just knows that these people mean a lot to him and he wants them to know that.

Act 3 began with a page titled ‘Dear John,’ (p.759), showing us Nanna’s message inside Colonel Sassacre’s tome, and now we’ve got ‘dear rose,’ (p.1091) and ‘dear dave,’ (p.1097), so I am calling it now that the final page of the act will be a Dear Jade.

grimAuxiliatrix

carcinoGeneticist was a very disappointing and uncreative troll when we met on page 859, but grimAuxiliatrix is a master at work, and their pesterlog with Rose is a joy to read. GA’s gambit of claiming to be an alien out of sync with Earth’s time and used to dealing with species of far superior intellect is hilarious, I would actively enjoy getting trolled by them, and of course Rose would be compelled enough by the game to accidentally in some way fall for it. The ‘beginning every word with a capital letter’ is a nice touch that does make them sound more alien. Rose and Dave’s banter is great but I feel like GA challenges Rose more than Dave does, and definitely has a more similar vocabulary. Describing time as ‘A Utility That A Universe May Resort To In Order To Advance A Desired Degree Of Complexity’ is interesting, and suggests the possibility of a universe that does not utilize time – the Incipisphere, perhaps?

It seems like Rose isn’t fully buying GA’s claim to have spoken to future Rose, but we know from her relationship with Jade that she’s not fully closed off to the supernatural, so I’m hoping this previous/next conversation comes around soon.

adiosToreador

While John and Jade’s instincts are to avoid messages from the trolls, Rose and Dave’s are to play the trolls at their own game. Dave and AT’s conversation is equal parts disgusting and disturbing and contains several phrases I wish I’d never read, and hope to never read again. But essentially they’re playing online gay chicken, and Dave is willing to take it much further. GA referred to a group that is ‘All Already In Agreement’, but they could be a leader of the group, and AT a more unwilling follower who doesn’t take to trolling so well. It seems like they’re going for a mix of CG’s aggression and GA’s wordiness and not really succeeding with either, and having this easy target for bullying brings out the worst in Dave, so I’m not on anyone’s side here. They’re both knowingly trying to upset each other, and I think it is believable that they would talk like this, but I don't want any part of it.

This is also, technically, the act’s title page – Dave drops the phrase ‘insane corkscrew haymakers’ towards the end of the page, in a context I don’t especially want to explore in depth. It’s a fun phrase out of context but I too would block Dave for some of the other stuff he says.

Troll Theories

It would be way too much of a coincidence if, in a story where some locations exist ‘untouched by the flow of time’ of others, these trolls were just regular people on Earth making this all up. I personally think the trolls are currently on the ominous planet, and are specifically trying to cause problems for these Sburb players. I’m not sure if they are part of the game – either a random rival group of players admitted to the same session, or a group of NPCs – or if they’re hackers who have infiltrated this session against the game’s wishes. If they are hackers, they could end up being technically ‘good’ if they’re working against Sburb itself, but will probably still have different goals to the kids.

If they’re planted by Sburb and there are twelve of them aligned with the ominous planet, and only four fighting on behalf of Prospit, this could explain why the forces of light are destined to lose. If that’s the case, the game has a social angle – if Rose can convince GA that it’s smarter to fight for the light, and if Dave can bully AT into doing the same, then John and Jade only need to sway one person each for an evenly matched, fair fight. I also think it’s possible that the Midnight Crew is four of these guys, although I don’t have any thoughts as to which, or to who the other eight would be.

> Dave: Break old sunglasses in annoyance.

[starseneyes]

Part II - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

You came back!? I am so glad I didn’t scare you off, because Part I was long.

I mean, not as long as the Garashir Meta, but still hella long.

If you’re ready for Part II, I’m so excited to share it with ya!!

WARNING: I’m one fan and these are just my thoughts and opinions. We all have our own! I don’t think mine are any more valid than anyone else’s. They’re just mine.

SPOILERS: Everything is fair game. You are forewarned!

Are we ready? Yeah, I think we’re ready. Let’s dive in to Seasons 6-8!

S6E03 -

“Come on, Cas. Don’t be a dick. Got ourselves a plague-like situation down here. Do you copy?” “Like I said, son of a bitch doesn’t answer… he’s right behind me, isn’t he?” “Hello.” “Hello?” “Yes.” “I spent all that time trying to get through to you. Dean calls once and it’s ’hello’.” “Yes., So, what, you like him better or something?” “Dean and I do share a more profound bond. I wasn’t going to mention it.”

This whole thing is insane. Now, Cas will shortly correct them that he didn’t come down just because Dean asked—the timing had to do with the Staff of Moses.

But, the rest is true. Yes, Dean has a bond with Cas. And it goes both ways.

Kinda like Dean, am I right?

Okay, sorry. That one was just begging to be written. I’ll get back to the Meta.

“Just because we have some sort of a bond or whatever.”

One thing about Dean is no matter what people say about him and Cas, he never denies it. Have you noticed that? Whether one or the other is a “pet” or someone says Cas is in love with him, or they acknowledge Cas likes him… he never corrects them.

And here he goes so far as to confirm it. He literally says “just because we have some sort of bond”, here. He acknowledges that they do have a bond—something that is just between Cas and Dean.

And people had the nerve to tell y’all you were crazy. I am so sorry.

“You think I came because you called? I came because of this.” “Well, it’s nice to know what matters.”

I’m sorry, Dean, are you insulted your bond isn’t enough to drag Cas down from Heaven?! Like, there’s a note of disappointment in that tone. Wow!

“Sam, Dean. My people skills are rusty. Pardon me, but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wave of celestial intent. But, believe me, you do not want that weapon down here. Help me find it. Or more people will die.” “Alright. Okay.”

I like Cas’ little nod after Dean gets moving. He’s pleased. He’s thankful. He’s relieved. He got through to his human situationship. Win for the bond!

“There’s gotta be another way.” “There is no other way.” “You’re gonna torture a kid.” “I can’t care about that, Dean. I don’t have the luxury.”

And everything in my head is screaming “I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you”.

We aren’t there, yet, obviously. But the groundwork is laid for just how far Castiel will grow because of Dean.

I don’t know who’s on first, what’s on second.” “What is second?” “Don’t start that.”

Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship, right? These two don’t even speak the same language, yet, and somehow they’re already arguing like a married couple with poor Sammy in the middle.

“Why didn’t you tell us this? “I was ashamed. I expected more from my brothers. I’m sorry. Now, I need your blood.” “Woah, hey!”

I love how Dean protests, but still lets Cas have his blood. He still trusts Cas, even if he would have appreciated a heads-up first.

“I know. I’ve been hearing all about you, and as far as I’m concerned, you and me, Cas, nothing’s changed. We’re brothers. … You did more than rebel. You tore up the whole script and burned the pages for all of us.”

Brothers are complicated. I have two. They sometimes fought and sometimes conspired to hide rear end collisions from our parents (one hit the other from behind at a stop light… it was fine).

I’m the eldest in my family, with a half brother I was raised with, and a step-brother and step-sister who joined our family when I was 16. But my brothers are both my brothers.

And there are all sorts of brothers out there. The Winchesters are one kind. The Angels are another. And I’d pick the Winchesters any day if I had to pick the best brothers on this show, complicated and fucked up as they may be.

“Why won’t any of you listen?” “They don’t listen Castiel because their hearts are mine.”

And here we see that concept of Angel loyalty versus romantic love. But, Cas’ “loyalties” and “sympathies” are shifting deeper—and everyone can see it.

"Castiel, I stood for you in heaven. Are you going to let-“ “I believe the hairless ape has the floor.”

Cas looks meaningfully to Dean, to see him looking back. When Dean shifts to Balthazar, the Angel in the fire makes a quick assessment and chuckles to himself. Damnit, he clocked them. He cloked them fast.

And he realizes that it’s not gonna end well for him, because even if he and Castiel are brothers, Cas and Dean are something more. Yeah, he’s fucked. So, he does as the hairless ape says.

S6E06 -

“Did you call Cas?” “Of course I called Cas. He’s not answering. Screw him. I can’t wait anymore.”

We know that Cas is dealing with a literal war up there. He’s a bit pressed for time. And, honestly this is one of those arcs where I get super annoyed with the Winchester boys.

Like, Castiel has an Army to command to keep Armageddon from restarting and y’all have the audacity to criticize his response time!?

Cas is an imperfect character (because perfect characters are boring and don’t make any choices that are interesting to watch), but no wonder he fucking goes to the Dark Side with friends like y’all.

And, yes, Cas screwed the pooch at that Cross Roads. He really really did. But the Winchesters ain’t peaches this year, either, as far as their treatment of their emotional support Angel.

“Castiel. Hello? Possible loose nuke down here, angelic weapon. Kinda your department. You hear that Cas?”

Dean turns around and the camera swoops to show Cas.

“Hello Dean.” “Are you kidding me? I have been on red alert about Sam, and you come for some stupid horn?” “You asked me to be here and I came.” “I’ve been asking you to be here for days, you dick!”

Castiel is surprised by the attitude, but he doesn’t understand just how huge it is for Dean to reach out for help, to pray to Cas, to believe in and trust him.

It’s a big shift in their relationship from Dean’s side because he wants Cas to be on his speed dial.

Yes, we still used Speed Dial back then. We also had a Top 8 on MySpace. It was a simpler time.

“I didn’t come about Sam because I have nothing to offer about Sam.” “Well, that’s great, because for all we know, he’s just gift wrap for Lucifer.” “No he’s… he’s not Lucifer.” “And how do you know that?” “If Lucifer escaped the cage, we’d feel it.”

This whole thing is kinda insane. Cas feels Dean’s anger, he doesn’t just see it.

And since he doesn’t have answers, he picks up the bottle and carries out a bloody act of service to show he cares. He is doing something for Dean because he can’t do what he wishes—give Dean answers about Sam.

My husband will do this, sometimes. If he knows I’m super stressed about work and struggling through the week, he’ll pick me up a latte or offer to drive the kids to an extracurricular. These little acts of service are his ways of helping me when he can’t help with the real issue.

Did I marry Castiel? Maybe… But I am definitely more like Dean, so I guess that makes sense.

“What is wrong with him?” “I don’t know Dean. I’m sorry.” “What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one.” “I’m at War.”

It’s already begun… Cas pulling away because he’s doing what he thinks needs to be done. He should have consulted someone, should have talked to his friends.

But we have to remember that Castiel is still an Angel trying to do this without human help.

Doesn’t make it right, let’s be clear. He’s still making the wrong choice. But we understand why he makes this choice just as much as we understand why Dean is lashing out at Cas. He’s lashing out at anyone who he perceives as not taking this Sammy thing as seriously as he is.

Doesn’t make it right. But at least we understand where the character is coming from.

“Well, nice seeing you anyway.” {Dean turns away}. “Dean.” “What?” “About your brother. I, I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but I do want to help. I’ll make inquiries.”

Cas wants to help. He wants to do things for Dean, still. But he’s hiding a big fucking secret, and that type of thing inevitably leads to distance. Just as Dean is reaching out, Cas is pulling back. It’s heartbreaking, truth be told.

S6E07 -

Cas works to diagnose Sam, and once the “no sleeping" thing comes up, alarm bells go off in Castiel’s head. Cas looks to Dean and begins removing his belt. Dean notices, but doesn’t seem as concerned as Sam does. I don’t know why, but that detail always makes me smile.

Dean’s like, “Well, okay, Cas, if you need to remove your belt, why not” whereas Sam is wondering what the hell Cas is going to do with the belt.

“Well, recap it for our wingman.” “You’re scrawnier than I imagined.” “This is a vessel. My true form is roughly the size of your Chrysler building..” “All right, alright, quit bragging.”

I’m sorry, is Dean commenting on the size of… ahem Cas? Because, He’s an Angel.

Like, crazy amount of wings and eyes and not a penis to be found. But, it’s another example of Dean’s joking about sex to cut through the tension in a room.

“I’m in the middle of a civil war.” “Well, you better tear the attic up. Find something to help Sam.” “Of course. Your problems always come first. I’ll be in touch.”

Like, seriously, Dean. What the fuck!? He is literally fighting a War and you’re like, “but my baby brother!”

And, yes, Cas is also doing stupid, horrible things in the name of this war, but Dean shows so little concern for it that why the fuck would Cas trust him with his batshit plan now!?

These boys just cannot communicate.

S6E10 -

“I’m mid-battle, Sam.” “I could give a rat’s ass about your little pissing match with Raphael. … If you don’t help us now, I will hunt you down and kill you.” “Will you, boy? How? … You need help, Sam.” “I need your help.”

This is part of my “you boys are treating your friend like shit and it’s no wonder he made the worst possible choice when you’re treating him like your own personal rent-an-Angel that you never intend to full pay off” rage fest.

“You don’t watch porn in a room full of dudes. and you don’t talk about it. Turn it off.” … “This is what you boys do? Sit around and watch pornos with Angels?” “We’re not supposed to talk about it.”

Cas is exploring the idea of sexuality. Yes, one time Dean tried to get him laid. And we know Cas of the Endverse timeline enjoyed his orgies.

But this is the first time our Cas is exploring the idea of sex and sexuality, and he’s absolutely… surprised by it and his own reaction. Now, was he reacting to the scenario of guy on girl action? Or more the idea of sexuality in general? Hard to know.

From what we’ve seen in the show, he’s not against exploring sexuality with women, and I’m writing this whole bloody meta because of course he’d be up for exploring it with Dean.

But sex isn’t what drives Castiel. He feels far more asexually coded to me. But, again, I could be reading too much into it because of my own life experience.

Cas finds love with Dean. And, for him, that doesn’t need sex. But we’re a long way from that point, when he’s still trying to understand humanity and what it is to be human while still being an angel in a human vessel.

Also, Jimmy, I’m so glad you were already in Heaven at this point. If you were fully aware of what the Angel were doing, I can only wonder if you’d think, “I gave up my life for this!? So the angel can get a boner using my dick!?” Jimmy, my man, I am so sorry.

“You know, Cas, you could help:. … “I’m not sure retrieving Sam’s soul is wise.” “Wait, what? Why?” {Dean crosses closer to Cas} “I want him to survive.” “What are you talking about?”

We switch to a wide shot, finally seeing their positioning and… Hold the phone… Cas is sitting on a bed again? Is this just Misha Collins giving the middle finger to whoever didn’t want him sitting on beds!?

I seriously paused and giggled the first time I saw this.

“Sam’s soul has been locked in the cage with Michael and Lucifer for more than a year and they have nothing to do but take their frustrations out on him. Do you understand? If we try to force that mutilated thing down Sam’s gullet, we have no idea what will happen. It could be catastrophic.” “You mean he dies?” “I mean he doesn’t. Paralysis, insanity, psychic pain so profound that he’s locked inside himself for the rest of his life.” “But you’re saying you don’t know anything for sure. I mean, he could be fine.” “He could be, yes.” “Okay then-“

Cas is trying to protect Dean and Dean is trying to believe in the impossible. Because this is Sam, his baby brother. He’d do anything for Sam.

And Cas is trying to protect Dean from the possible heartbreak of destroying his own brother by trying to fix him.

“But I sincerely doubt it., well if he’s not fine, then you fix him., Dean, I wouldn’t know where to begin.” “Then you figure it out, Cas. Come one. {Dean steps closer} I mean, the guy’s a friggin replicant. He needs his soul.”

Something stops Dean… something he sees in Cas’s face. He backs off the intensity, but doesn’t move out of Cas’ personal space. I mean, for a guy who tried to tell Cas off about it, he invades Cas’ space more than the other way around!

“Look, we get it back, and if there are complications, then we will figure out a way to deal with those, too.” “Of course. {Dean walks away} Or we fail, and Sam suffers horrifically.”

Gosh, this is these two in a nutshell at this point. Dean is all “we’ll figure it out” and Cas is so damn afraid.

“What was that?” “I learned that from the pizza man."

Okay, first off, Misha Collins can kiss. This Ace girl is sitting here going, “Wow, not bad!”

Second, Dean’s reactions during this whole thing are amazing. I just kept rewinding (yes, I still use that term… I’m old) and rewatching Dean processing the whole thing.

Dean starts with, “uh, Cas…” as he points between the door with the hellhounds and the kissing couple. Then, he sort of stops to just observe. Like, “Okay, this is a thing that’s happening now”.

When Cas pulls away and Meg speaks, Cas looks to Dean before he looks back to Meg and responds. And it takes a second for Dean to process that.

Like, he knew Cas was a virgin, but to realize this was his first kiss and he was that good!? Wow, Angel’s knocking it out of the park on the first time up to bat!

“I can’t see jack.”

That’s because he’s not here, yet, Dean. Give it time. You’ll see him soon enough.

“Castiel. Haven’t seen you all season. You the cavalry now?”

Rachel, you wrote this down because you thought it was funny and self-referential, but you missed the bigger picture. See, Crowley’s exaggerating to protect his little business deal. And I totally missed it the first time around.

“Well, she’s smart, I’ll give her that. I was gonna kill her, too. Of course, I’d have given you an hour with her first.” “Why would I want that?”

Oh, my sweet summer child.

“Thanks, Cas. If it hadn’t have been for you -“ “Crowley was right. It’s not going well for me upstairs.” “If there’s anything we can do-”

Ugh. Now you offer to help? After berating him for weeks about being too busy for your bullshit while he’s fighting a literal war!? Too little too late, Dean. Too little too late.

“There isn’t. I wish circumstances were different. Much of the time, I’d rather be here.” “Cas, we know you’ve got a steaming pile on your plate. There’s no need for apologies. We’re your friends.”

I think this is the first time Dean has told Cas they’re friends… that he has shown such gratitude for him… that he offered to help Cas however he needed, if he could.

And, oh, how I wish Dean had said something earlier.

No, I’m not pinning Cas’ shitty decisions on Dean. That’s completely unfair. But I wish Castiel realized just how much he means to Dean before he threw everything away on a deal with a demon.

S6E12 -

“His soul is in place.” “Is he ever gonna wake up?” “I’m not a human doctor, Dean.” “Could you take a guess.” “Okay. Probably not.” “Oh well don’t sugarcoat it.” “I’m sorry, Dean, but I warned you not to put that thing back inside him.” “What was I supposed to do? Let T-1000 walk around and hope he doesn’t open fire?”

Cas approaches Dean, invading his personal space. And I’m reminded of another show where one character invaded the other’s space attempting to assert dominance and instead created heat. These two have it, even when at odds.

“Let me tell you what his soul felt like when I touched it. Like it had been skinned alive, Dean. If you wanted to kill your brother, you should have done it outright.”

Ouch.

“I am so sorry.” Did Bobby-“ “Cas., Cas. Friggin child.” “You should have told me, Dean.” “You weren’t supposed to know.” “What I did? To Bobby? To you? Of course I should know.”

Dean is trying to protect Sam, I get it, but he didn’t tell Cas. So, that’s not about Cas being a child. That’s your being a shit communicator, Dean. Own up to your fuckery, man, and stop deflecting to Cas when shit goes sideways.

Trust me, you’ll have a real reason to be pissed at him soon enough and you should save your rage for then.

S6E15 -

“Maybe here there’s no supernatural, no magic.” “No demons, no hell, no heaven. No God?” “Something like. Even better… no angels”

There’s something interesting to Dean’s reaction there. I mean, yeah, most angels are dicks. But he does have an Angel for a friend.

“Cas, what the hell?” “Wait, you were in on this. Using us as a diversion.” “It was Balthazar’s plan. I would have done the same thing.” “That’s not comforting, Cas.” “When will I be able to make you understand, if I lose against Raphael, we all lose everything.” “Yeah, Cas, we know the stakes. That’s about all you’ve told us.” “I’m sorry about all this. I’ll explain when I can.”

Cas says all of that last bit to Dean. And you can hear the mounting desperation in his voice. He isn’t telling them everything because he’s trying to protect them. He’s trying to keep them out of it—but that is only making it worse.

Castiel, this is only going to end badly. So badly the next season you’re gonna lose your contract and get thrown back into Pilot Season. Er… your vessel will be, anyway.

Gosh, that bit is wild. I mean, to go from a Series Regular to Guest starring for two episodes only to kill your character off in the first five minutes of episode 2 and think, “Welp, that was fun!”

Because, let’s be clear, this type of stuff happens in TV land all the time, and it often has nothing to do with who likes who or anything personal. Writers Rooms sometimes make a choice where a character’s got to go, where it no longer fits the vision.

It happened recently on Sweet Magnolias where the Writers Room realized the inciting incident they needed was to kill off a main character in between seasons and off-camera. The guy was beloved by the team, but it was what the story needed.

If you look at the construction of Season 7, I can see how Castiel just didn’t quite fit where it was headed and what they were doing. So, no, there’s nothing Cas (or Misha Collins, for that matter) could have possibly done in reality to change that. It’s just the business.

But I can be catty with Cas for a bit for his utter ridiculousness this season.

S6E17 -

“Sorry, you have me confused with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trench coat who’s in love with you.”

Of course Balthazar’s going to be the first one to use “love” instead of “like”. He has no qualms about decorum and he’s going to call it like he sees it.

And Dean. Doesn’t. Correct. Him. He barely reacts to this news, because somewhere deep down I think he already knows.

I mean, if the smashing him up against the wall last season while shouting about everything he did for Dean wasn’t enough to clue Dean in on something, then he’s denser than I thought.

Dean has more layers than he lets on, maybe more than he realizes.

“You need new friends, Cas.” “I’m trying to save the ones I have, Dean.”

There’s something so soft in Dean’s response to this. Is this the first time Cas referred to them as friends in front of them? I can’t remember another time, but it strikes Dean especially.

“If you don’t go back and sink that boat, I’m gonna kill your two favorite pets.”

In one episode two celestial beings have called out Cas’ attachment to the Winchesters… oops. Word’s spreading!.

“I won’t let you.” “Oh yeah, what are you gonna do?” “Do you really wanna test me?” “Okay, fine. … Kill me, and Sam and Dean are target one. For simple vengeance. You’re not fighting a war or something, right? You can watch them every millisecond of every day. Because maybe you’ve heard, fate strikes when you least expect it. … Set things right before I flick your precious boys off a cliff just on principle.”

The truth is that Cas’ attention has been divided for far too long, and he knows Fate is right. He can’t be in all places at all times.

“Well, I insisted he go back in time and correct what he had done.” “What? Why?” “It was the only way to be sure you were safe.” “So, you killed 50,000 people for us.” “No, they were never born. That���s far different from being killed, wouldn’t you say?”

This sounds a helluva lot like Dean talking to his mom about him and Sam not being born, and how that might fix things.

“You’re the ones who taught me that you can make your own destiny. You don’t have to be ruled by fate. You can choose freedom.”

Oh, honey, it will be so, so long before you are totally free… before you feel ready to uncage yourself… so, this hurts a bit to hear knowing how far you have to go.

Also, he’s trying to talk to them, to reach them, to gain their absolution for what he’s about to do without having the guts to tell them.

He’s so damn afraid this season, and he lets that fear rule him and drive him to his worst self.

“I still believe that that’s something work fighting for. I just wanted you to understand that.”

He wants to tell them the truth so bad. If you go back and watch this after watching through, it’s so clear how much he wants them to know, to understand, to support his unreasonable and irresponsible plan.

“Titanic didn’t suck that bad. Winslet’s rack? {Cas leaves} I’ll tell you one thing about Cas, he does not appreciate the finer things.”

Oh, he does… but he defines it a little differently, love. Don’t worry. You’ll get there.

And I know this isn’t the point, but knowing how awfully Winslet was treated about her beautiful body during this film it made me shudder a little, that line above.

Perhaps it’s being a woman and knowing the impossible beauty standards to which we are held, and the process of reducing us to pieces of ourselves instead of whole humans for the sake of the patriarchy that makes that line hurt.

It’s not the point, I know, but I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t address it. Whoever you are, whatever gender or not, I hope you know you are beautiful just the way you are, and you don’t have to live up to anyone’s beauty standards.

S6E18 -

“Castiel {Dean actually stands and bows his head, this time}, the, uh, fate of the world is in the balance. So, come on down here. {Dean peeks for Cas} Come on, Cas. I dream of Jeanie your ass down here, pronto. Please.”

Castiel sends Rachel. And why the hell does the one person to have my name on this show have to be a total bitch?

Now, she isn’t wrong in what she says to Dean and Sam. Sam says they are Castiel’s friends, and yet their prioritize their shit over his every time without consideration for the utter hell he’s enduring. But, yeah, she’s also kind of a bitch.

“I’m sure your issue is very important, but Castiel is currently commanding an army, so-" … “I don’t know who you think you are. “I’m his friend.” “And you think we aren’t?” I think you call him when you need something. We’re fighting a war.” “We get that.” “Clearly you don’t or you wouldn’t call him every time you stub your toe you petty, entitled, little piece of-“

Cas’ divided loyalties are starting to be an issue. Combine that with him making a deal with a demon, and he’s gone a bit off the rails by Angel standards. He asks the boys what they need, and he’s willing to help, always willing to help.

And while we know part of it is his “profound bond” with Dean and attachment to the Winchesters, I think there’s also a touch of guilt.

We later see that he is so conflicted about this plan of his, so much so that he cries out to God for guidance.

But can he atone enough to balance his guilt? Can he do enough for Dean and Sam to prove to him that he’s still the same Angel? Can he prove he’s still their friend while betraying them? Lying to them? Going behind their back to work with the enemy?

S6E19 -

“Why’s it always gotta be me that makes the call, huh? It’s not like Cas lives in my ass. The dude’s busy. Cas, get out of my ass!” “I was never in your-“

Who do I blame for my therapy bills this time!? Clearly, the scene was written in a suggestive manner, but the way it’s played makes it even more unbelievable.

Somewhere mid-sentence Cas—who is stating plain fact—start to register what he’s saying and wonder exactly what the denotation is, here.

And as he puts those pieces together, Dean wonders where the Angel’s mind is going exactly because he knows Cas is now aware of porn and sex.

And then Dean’s eyes widen just a touch before Cas looks away, drops it entirely, and changes the subject.

Was this on the page!? Was this all the actors? Did the director give them any suggestions?! Because, just reading the words is crazy enough, but the way they played it is everything.

“That’s great, because without your power, you’re basically a baby in a trench coat.”

And we’re back to Dean infantilizing Cas and touching on one of Cas’ deepest insecurities—that if he’s useless to Dean, he’s worthless to Dean.

“We need your help here.” “Hold your water. We’ll be back in a few.” “Dean, Dean.”

There’s something so insistent about how this second “Dean” is delivered… like Cas is appealing to Dean in a way we haven’t heard before. That second Dean is pleading. He can’t believe that Dean is going to walk away from this, that he isn’t listening to Cas.

And neither knows it, but this is just chip, chip, chipping away at Cas’ trust in Dean. It’s chipping away at his belief that Dean might know better than he in some situations cough Godstiel cough because Dean is the one not listening with this one.

These two are so stubborn. So similar! (Yes, it’s a Pride & Prejudice reference. And now I’ve distracted myself trying to determine who is Mr. Darcy and who is Lizzie… think I’m settling on Cas as Darcy and Dean as Elizabeth, but feel freee to argue it out in the comments).

“Millions of lives are at stake here, not just two.”

Dean heads out and the Family Theme plays as Dean and Cas watch each other, both frustrated.

Is this the first time the Family Theme has played between them? I know it’s certainly not the last, but I find the placement here fascinating.

They’re going in opposite directions. They’re seeing different things. And yet they’re still family. What an interesting time to remind us of that… right before it all unravels.

“Work for me. It’s a good deal. Bonus, I won’t kill your friends.”

Friends making an appearance from another being, here. No secrets, Castiel. Your attachment to the Winchesters and theirs to you is well-known by now.

“It’s not like Cas to make mistakes like that. Unless.” “Unless?” “Unless he meant to.” “Bobby, this is Cas we’re talking about. Do you believe this?”

In a few seasons, when Dean wants to stab Cas in the neck, it’ll be Sam saying, “Because it’s Cas”.

But right now, Dean Winchester, who has so very few people to trust, trusts Castiel to an extreme level. Maybe that’s why the Family Theme made an appearance—because Dean’s already there with Cas.

And Cas doesn’t even realize it. He doesn’t even know what he’s squandering. He doesn’t know the full depths of his fuck up until it is way too late.

S6E20 -

“Hello, Dean. Are you alright?” “Yeah, I’m fine. How about you?” … “I just don’t understand how Crowley could’ve tricked me.” “Well, he’s a tricky son of a bitch, that’s how.”

Dean wants to believe in Cas so badly… he wants to have faith in him so badly.

At his core, he knows something is wrong, something is off. But it’s Cas who has literally died twice for him, for Dean. That means something to him.

“I’d come if I could.” “Yeah, no, I get it. No worries. But, Cas, you’ll call, right? If you get into real trouble?”

Dean is hoping… hoping that Cas knows he can count on them. But Rachel wasn’t wrong… they just call him when they need something in Season 6. They have in no way shown him that they are there for him, too… not really.

There will be conversations down the line where Dean just checks in with Cas because he can see the Angel needs to talk. There will be points where they confide in one another, where they trust one another to the point that their honesty burns. But we’re not there, yet.

We’re not even to the middle of this story.

I remember when Christian Kane was working on The Librarians and commented about his character, Jake, not knowing how to fight when Kane was well-practiced in it.

His last long-running character, Eliot on Leverage fought from the beginning. But with Jake, they needed to start him off with no training so his character had somewhere to go, something to learn, a direction to grow.

Cas and Dean can’t get it right every time. They can’t always know what to say. They can’t always know what to do. That’s unrealistic, and while I know that’s a silly thing to say about a show based on monsters, demons, and ghosts—we don’t watch the show for the ghoulies. We watch for the characters.

We care about Dean and Sam and Castiel. We watch because we want to see their journeys and we are invested in their stories.

Static characters are rarely interesting. Rounded characters make mistake, make wrong choices, make messes that are impossible to remedy. And as long as they grow through it, we can stick with them. Because it’s about the relationships we, the audience, forge with these fictional characters.

And, yes, this sounds mental, but fandom is an essential part of the fate of a long-running series like this one. That’s why there are still conventions, why Collins and Ackles and Padalecki are still making appearances all these years later on behalf of the characters they were graced with playing.

We connect with these characters and we care about them. And if they were not relatable, it wouldn’t work. It just wouldn’t work. The whole show would fall apart.

So, these characters make bad calls, and wrong choices, and shit decisions. And that’s all part of the ride.

So, yes, while I wanna shake Cas a little to get him out of this ideology to which he’s clinging, I also want to remind Dean that relationships go both way, and he’s not been the greatest friend, either.

But, Cas, seriously, what the fuck!?

“The point is, you’re distracted, and that makes me nervous.” “I am holding up my end.” “Ah, yes. But is that all you’re holding, huh? See? The stench of that Impala’s all over your overcoat, Angel. I thought we’d agreed, no more nights out with the boys.”

I’m sorry. Did you just make the allusion to Cas giving Dean a handjob in the car?! Like, Balthazar is talking about Cas being in love with Dean and now Crowley’s insinuating things of a sexual nature. Yeah, Cas, your secret is out honey, even if you aren’t.

“I have it on good authority that your two little pets are currently trying to hunt me down. Forgive me, but I think you might have a little conflict of interest here.”

Crowley is keeping it broad to both Winchesters. So, he has more of Fate’s view, and not so much Balthazaar, who has seen them all up close and personal, I guess.

“Crowley had a point, of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters’ guardian. After all, they taught me how to stand up, what to stand for, and what generally happens to you when you do.”

So he is at least somewhat aware of how he prioritizes the boys.

“You know, he’s our friend. And we are lying to him through our teeth. … You think that Cas is in with Crowley? Crowley?”

Dean is fucked up over this. Rightfully. Because he doesn’t hold onto many people, and while he hasn’t verbalized it, yet, Cas has a special place in his life.

“Look, Dean, he’s our friend, too, okay. And I’d die for him, I would, but, look, I’m praying we’re wrong here.”

Oooh, this says so much that Sam has to clarify that. Like, he realizes how highly Dean regards Cas, how much he trusts him, how much this is crushing him.

“And the worst part was Dean trying so hard to be loyal with every instinct telling him otherwise.”

Cas can literally see inside Dean. He can see the conflict, and as Dean walks by, Cas moves with him, as if tied to him by an invisible string.

“This is Cas, guys. I mean, when there was no one, and we were stuck, and I mean really stuck, he broke ranks. He has gone to the mat cut and bleeding for us so many friggin times. This is Cas. Don’t we owe him the benefit of the doubt, at least?”

This one aches. This one hurts. Because 9 years later, Cas will say this to Dean in a moment of heartache that somehow feels a thousand times worse than this despite the stakes here being so much higher. “You used to give me the benefit of the doubt,” Cas will say.

But look what happened when Dean did it, Cas. Look what pain you wrought. Can you blame him for struggling to find his faith in you, again?

“You thought what?, I know. It’s crazy, right … We never should have doubted you. We just hope you can forgive us.”

Dean feels… relieved. He feels like he put his faith in the right place.

And look at how soft Dean’s eyes are as he asks his friend for forgiveness. It will be a long time before he’s this soft with Cas, again. Especially since a breath later the idiot fucks up with the Superman reference.

“You gotta look at me, man. You gotta level with me and tell me what’s going on. Loo me in the eye and tell me you’re not working with Crowley. {Cas looks away} Son of a bitch.”

This takes me back to the holding room with the burgers and beers. Dean caught on that Cas couldn’t look at him when he knew something was off, so he tells him here that he needs to look at him.

And when he can’t, Dean knows all he needs to know.

“Let me explain.” “You’re in it with him? You and crowley have been going after purgatory together? “You have, huh? This whole time.” “I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you.”

Cas is pleading with them as much as they are pleading with him. He directs most of it to Dean, but Dean is hurting too damn bad. His friend fucking betrayed them. His friend is working with the bad guy. His friend didn’t trust them enough to help.

And Cas sees his friends refusing to trust him with his plan. He sees his friends rejecting him and his plan. He sees his friends refusing to listen just as his brothers in Heaven did.

“I’m still me. I’m still your friend. Sam, I’m the one who raised you from Perdition.” {That gets Dean’s attention} “What? Well, no offense, but you did a pretty piss poor job of it.”

Sastiels rejoice! Look, it’s not my ship, but I can see how they’d be stoked their Winchester was touched by an Angel, too, ya know?

“I had no choice.” “No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one,” “You don’t understand. It’s complicated.” “No, actually, it’s not and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh? Unless you knew that it was wrong. When crap like this comes around, we deal with it like we always have. What we don’t do is we don’t go out and make another deal with the devil.” “Yeah, it sounds so simple when you say it like that.”

And it does. Yes, Cas fucked up, but he’s trying to save everyone. Not just the Winchesters, but the world. He’s trying to save the innocent people they saw on the playground together not so long ago, the children growing up, the adults growing old, and even the birds flitting from tree to tree in search of the perfect nesting nook.

Cas finally meets Dean’s eyes.

“Where were you when I needed to hear it?” “I was there. Where are you?”

This is on Dean and Cas, their mutual heartbreak. They’ve broken each other, here, in a way that perhaps may never have been repaired. Their trust in one another is shaken, and it’s their own damn fault.

Mostly Cas.

Look, he may be my favorite character, but I’m going to call him on his shit. I’m not precious about my kids, either. I love and celebrate them for the unique, incredible, vibrant humans they are. But everyone knows you own up to your mistakes and we don’t lie in this house.

So, Cas, you’re kinda on my shitlist tonight. Sorry, buddy. You can make it up to me by fixing your shit with your boytoy. Capiche?

“You should’ve come to us for help, Cas.” “Maybe. It’s too late now. I can’t turn back now, I can’t.” “It’s not too late. Damn it, Cas, we can fix this.” “Dean, it’s not broken. Run. You have to run, now. Run!”

Despite everything Cas is still trying to protect them, and Dean still trusts that Cas is telling them to run for that very reason.

That’s what is truly batshit about the end of this scene—angry as they are at one another, much as that trust has been shattered, there’s enough left that Dean will run when Cas tells him to, because he knows deep down the Angel only wants to keep him safe.

You can’t baby proof a hurricane. But that’s what Cas tries to do with Dean. The Angel wants to protect him from further harm. It’s not what he needs, though. Dean needs the truth.

It’s another place where I feel a kinship to Dean. If the news sucks, it sucks. But don’t sugarcoat it and don’t lie. I can figure out what to do if it’s all falling to shit and I know it. But if I’m in the dark, then I’m flailing for a recourse with six minutes to Midnight when the spell goes poof.

Dean opens the door for the others to run through, but he stops to look back at Cas. The firelight illuminates both their faces as they contemplate one another. They’re both hurt. They’re both upset. And shit as their communication is right now, that “bond” is still there.

Damnit. It’d be so much easier for both of them if it wasn’t. But it’s there. They can feel it. Damnit.

“Hello, Dean.” “How’d you get in here?, The angel proofing bobby put up on the house, he got a few things wrong.” “Well, it’s too bad we gotta angel proof in the first place, isn’t it?”

Ouch. It’s another time when Dean wakes to Cas there, but this time, they are at odds. They’re upset. Castiel wants so desperately for Dean to understand his motivation for doing the shit thing. And Dean wants Cas to just not do the shit thing.

But Cas believes in it. And an Angel’s belief and devotion can be dangerous. We’ve seen that time and time, again.

Right now, Cas’ loyalties are divided, but the more he feels rejected by Dean, the more he leans into this terrible choice.

Again, it doesn’t make it right. But we understands where it comes from.

“Why are you here?” “I want you to understand.” “Oh, believe me, I get it. Blah blah, Raphael, right?” “I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you.” “Because of me. Yeah. You gotta be kidding me.” “You’re the one that taught me and freedom and free will-“ “You’re a frigging child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want.”

Dean has never been at War the way that Castiel has. There are some horrible, no good decisions that go down in War. Terrible things.

And while Castiel may be new to freedom and free will, infantilizing him isn’t going to help Dean get through to him.

“I know what I’m doing, Dean.” “I’m not gonna logic you, okay? I’m saying don’t just ’cause. I’m asking you not to. That’s it.” “I don’t understand.” “Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family. That you are like a brother to me. So if I’m asking you not to do something, you gotta trust me, man.”

It’s too late. Damnit, it’s too late. Castiel has locked in and he can’t unlock.

This is important. Because someday Cas will learn how to roll with things, how to adjust when things shift, how to change gears when it matters.

But he’s not there, yet.

“Or what?” “Or I’ll have to do what I have to do to stop you.” “You can’t Dean. You’re just a man. I’m an angel.” “I don’t know, I’ve taken some pretty big fish.”

This hurts so bad. Damnit. They’re friends. They care about each other. They trusted each other. But now? Dean is just another human in the way. And Cas is just another dick Angel fucking with the world.

At least, that’s what they each try to tell themselves.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” “Well, I’m sorry, too, then.”

Damnit, you two. I want to shake you both right about now. You, Cas, more than Dean because what the fuck, bro!? But, I get where it comes from. I do. I see the lines of pain and hurt and control and manipulation and programming and fear that have led you to this terrible, terrible choice.

And, Dean, it’s too little too fucking late. All Season you’ve been criticizing him for not showing up the second you want him, and then you barely acknowledge the war he is fighting. Now, in the eleventh hour it looks like you’re using your bond as a bargaining chip instead of an honest declaration.

We know you mean it—how important Castiel has become to you. But the timing is suspect and Castiel is too far-gone to listen. He’s lost, Dean. Completely lost. As lost as you were last season when you were ready to say “yes” to Michael.

Only Cas doesn’t have a Sam to stop him.

God, you two are so alike, sometimes, you know that? You and your Angel are the two most stubborn beings to walk the earth. Maybe someday you’ll learn to listen to one another.

S6E21 -

"Well, at least you tried." "Yeah, a fat lot of good it did. Why’d he even come, right?” … “Our pal Cas didn’t stop in last night just to mend fences.” “What’d he do?” “Stole something.”

This shouldn’t have made me smile, but it did. Yes, I know something’s wrong with me. Don’t worry, someone’ll figure out what it is soon enough.

But this is going to come back around in another era when Cas is lying to Dean and far more effectively manipulating the man—when he needs to steal something else, the colt. I like consistency in character. It’s the little things in life, ya know?

“I didn’t ask for your help.” “Well, regardless, you’re welcome.” “Why are you here?” "I had no idea Crowley would take Lisa and Ben.” “Yeah, right.” “You don’t believe me.” “I don’t believe a word that’s coming out of your mouth.”

Cas looks away. He can feel the cord of connection unraveling in the moment. When he looks back, he tries to reach for that connection, to grip the fraying threads in his mind and will them back together.

“I thought you said that we were like family. Well, I think that, too. Shouldn’t trust run both ways?” “Cas, I just can’t.” Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call, and I am your friend. Still, despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing-“

It sounds so simple when Cas says it like this. But Dean can see things his angelic buddy just can’t.

“Trust your plan to pop purgatory?” “I’ve earned that, Dean.” “I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben. And I will bring them back. Stand behind me the one time I ask.” “You’re asking me to stand down?” “Dean." "That’s the same damn ransom note that Crowley handed me, you know that, right? Well, no thanks. I’ll find them myself. Now why don’t you go back to Crowley and tell him that I said you can both kiss my ass.”

Cas is too wrapped up in this to see it, to see how bad this is. But, buddy, when the bad guy starts saying the same thing you’re saying, it might be time to own up that you’re the bad guy. Just sayin’.

They both have tears in their eyes. Dean is enraged worrying about Lisa and Ben, because from his viewpoint, it was Cas who put them in harm’s way. And Cas can see that much, even if he’s still blind to the rest.

“What do you want?” “Dean, listen-“ “What do you want me to say? She’ll be dead by midnight.” “I’m sorry-“ “I don’t care. It’s too little too late.” “Okay. Well, regardless, I didn’t come for you.” “Meaning?” {Dean picks up on what Cas is doing} “She’s fine now. She’ll wake soon. Dean, I said I’m sorry and I meant it.” “Thank you.”

Dean can’t look at Cas. He can’t. He’s still too mad. But he understands what Cas just did here was big and it matters even if it’s not enough to undo the bad blood between them.

“I wish this changed anything.” “I know. So do I.”

If they were a man and woman, everyone would talk about how these two were star crossed lovers and such. I am not kidding. Listen to this fucking dialogue! These two are on opposite sides of a war and yet falling in love.

The strange thing is that Cas wants to do what is right. He just can’t see it clearly because he got into bed with the demon instead of the handsome hunter.

I mean, come on, Cas had to kiss Crowley to seal their deal, right? Which means technically his first kiss wasn’t Meg, but it was Crowley. Man kisser Castiel confirmed!

Yes, I’m being ridiculous. But these scenes are tough and I could go with a little ridiculousness right about now, what about you?

“All else aside, I just wanted to fix what I could.” “There’s one more thing you could do for me.”

Dean’s eyes are pleading here. He even said “for me” because he knows this is for him. Cas says he didn’t come here for Dean, but we all know he did.

“You must know, everything I did, I did for you,” comes to mind. Yeah, Castiel is so Mr. Darcy. He’s expressing his love the only way he knows how, right now—helping the ones Dean loves.

And, yes I do think Dean loved Lisa and Ben. A different kind of love than the one he finds with Castiel, but a valid love, no less. And he loved them so much he let them go.

S6E22 -

“You don’t even see it, do you? How totally off the rails you are.” “Enough. I don’t care what you think. I’ve tried to make you understand. You won’t listen. So let me make this simple. Please go home and let me stop Raphael {This is all to Dean} I won’t ask again.” “Well, good, ’cause I think you already know the answer.” “I wish it hadn’t come to this. Well, rest assured, when this is all over, I will save Sam, but only if you stand down.”

Geez louise, Castiel, what the ever loving fuck!? I love you, man, but this is freakin’ villain-level bitchery.

“This is exactly what Cas wants. For you to fall to pieces. Just try to think of what Sam would want.”

Oh, I hate this arc so much. Yes, Dean’s going to do his own version of this with the Mark of Cain arc in a few seasons (what is it with these boys and doing the absolute most idiotic thing without consulting the others… learn to communicate you fools!). But, right now Castiel is the one in the “Does the worst possible thing” seat.

“First Sam and Dean, and now this? I’m doing my best in impossible circumstances, and my friends, they, abandon me, plot against me. It’s difficult to understand.”

Still the Angel. In a few years, once he is mortal, he will tell Dean that he is only beginning to understand human emotion after years on the planet. Angelic allegiance is so absolute that he mistakes their skepticism in the plan with distrust of him.

“You doubted me. Fought against me. But I was right all along.” “Okay, Cas. You were. We’re sorry. Let’s just defuse you, okay.” “What do you mean?” “You’re full of nuke. It’s not safe. So before the eclipse ends, let’s get them souls back to where they belong.” “No, they belong with me.”

Talk about power going to your head. Damn it, Cas, listen to Dean!

“No, Cas, it, it’s scrambling your brain. … Listen to me. Listen. I know there’s a lot of bad water under the bridge. But we were family once. I’d have died for you. I almost did a few times. so if that means anything to you, please. I've lost Lisa. I've lost ben. And now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you, too.”

Watching Bobby’s reaction here is wild because I don’t think he realized until this moment just how much Cas means to Dean.

I mean, Dean isn’t the chattiest guy about his feelings, right? And, yes, we can gauge that part of this was Dean just trying to save the day, but he’s not lying. He’s not. He saw Cas as family which is the highest point of connection he could assign to another being. And he doesn’t want to lose him.

And yes, Sammy with the knife as a plan B wasn’t a bad idea. But I tend to believe Dean—Cas was family.

“You don’t need this kind of juice anymore, Cas. Get rid of it before it kills us all.” “You’re just saying that because I won, because you’re afraid. You’re not my family, Dean. I have no family. {Sam knives him in the back. He pulls it out}, I’m glad you made it Sam, but the angel blade won't work. Because I’m not an angel anymore. I’m your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your lord. Or I shall destroy you.”

Now, we all know how this ended—Castiel got booted off the show!

S7E01 -

“The Castiel you knew is gone.” “So what then, kill us?” “What a brave little ant you are.”

Alright, the first time I wrote this autocorrect took over and it read: “Dean is shocked to hear that from his mount”. And while, obviously, I meant “mouth I had to share with y’all because… it ain’t wrong.

Now, the rest of this is just Cas being a douchey, power-driven, hyped up on steroids and cocaine asshole. He calls the Winchesters his “favorite pets” and told Dean “you’ve erased any nostalgia I ever had for you” like a fucking ass.

But, because we only have Collins for about 2.5 minutes before his very special guest run is over, we’re going to blitz through. I mean, Destiel isn’t built on Godstiel, anyway.

“I just wanted to make amends before I die.” "Okay., Is it working?” “Does it make you feel better?” “No. You?” “Not a bit.”

God, these two are ridiculous.

But one thing I note during all this prep is how Bobby treats Cas. Even the little shoulder touch as he says, “Hang in there” is somehow deeper than it was before—because he knows Dean wasn’t lying in that little speech back there at the tail end of Season 6.

Bobby knows Dean Winchester as well as anybody who knows the real Dean. Bobby is one of those people Cas indirectly references is in his declaration of love in the future—“anyone who knows you” knows that Dean does everything because of love.

So, yes, Dean made a speech to try to save the world. But he also loves Cas. And, again, I’m not saying we’re into romantic love, yet.

I tend to be of the opinion that it sneaks up on Dean over time rather than being as instant for Cas, but Bobby knows, now. So, he’s going to treat Cas in a way that honors Dean’s love for him—whatever kind of love it may be.

“He’s gone, Dean.”

Look. At. Dean’s. FACE. Despite everything, this is still a crushing blow. Dean’s hand rests on Cas’ shoulder as he regards him.

“Damn it. Cas, you child. Why didn’t you listen to me?”

Still infantilizing him. Yeah, sure, he fucked up. But he’s not a child, Dean.

Tears fill Dean’s eyes. Because despite everything Cas did, he really wanted to save him. He wanted to save the Angel—because he’s family.

Cas comes back to life, surprising everyone. Dean’s hand lingers on Cas’s arm after they help him up. I seem to remember another time he helps Cas up and his hand lingers.

“I’m astonished. Thank you. Both of you.”

Cas looks at Dean with more adoration than I think he’d ever mustered before, and Dean clocks it. He doesn’t understand it, but you can see he’s not oblivious.

“I’m ashamed. I really overreached.” {he can’t look at anyone, now}” “You think?” {Cas looks right to Dean} “I’ll find some way to redeem myself to you.” “Alright, well, one thing at a time. Come on. Let’s get you out of here. Come on.”

They’re walking out together, Dean and Bobby each taking an arm, but Cas reaches up to grab ahold of Dean’s arm, stopping him. He meets his eyes.

“I mean it, Dean.”

This was going to be it, folks. The last moments of Destiel in the entire series were Castiel assuring Dean that he’d find some way to make it up to him, that he would redeem himself to him.

Because it’s about how Cas fucked up majorly, yes, but if there’s one human in the entire world whose opinion matters to Cas, it’s Dean’s.

And he would never get the chance. Another tragedy courtesy of the Writers Room—Castiel dies without redemption. He dies a black and sludgy mess of horrors without hope or agency.

He takes those steps into the water without control of his actions—but it was his choices that led to this, so his hands are bloodied, his legacy marred, his memory defiled with the death of innocents.

But before that… there’s that glimpse of where the character could have gone in the wake of the madness. And Collins gives us that by putting everything he had into those few bites of dialogue.

Imagine Collins knowing this is his last moment as Castiel talking to Dean… his last moment of Destiel. His last moment to be Cas. That’s why there is everything in that scene. Why he gives all that he has.

And it really feels like this is the moment, to me, that Castiel knows he loves Dean Winchester.

Maybe he doesn’t know to what degree, but he knows. It spills out of him in ways that confuse Dean (because it’s something he would never ever expect). And Misha gave that performance thinking it was all the time he had left as Cas in this show. Damn.

Dean spies Cas’ coat in the water and retrieves it. He folds it over in his hands and holds it tight.

“Okay. So, he’s gone.”

Look at Dean’s face. At how his lip quivers as he tries to hold it together. They just got him back… and he’s gone. Nothing to “fix” this time. It’s over.

“Dumb son of a bitch.”

He places his other hand atop the coat, almost gripping it… it’s all he has left of him. There are no photos of them together, no favorite hangouts (save the brother), and very few memories where they weren’t trying to save something or someone.

All he has is a coat. That’s it. And while Dean isn’t the most sentimental person in the world, he carries it out with him and holds onto it.

Now, it should be noted he doesn’t clean the damn thing as evidence of the blood still on the collar when Cas gets it back, but that actually seems pretty true to character, so it works.

Also, the music cue of “Black Water” had me rolling the first time I heard it. I don’t think that’s what they were going for, but considering the black goo in the water, it made me laugh.

Yes, my mother really hated the 80’s. I was a latchkey kid on a plug-in phone on the wall who watched all the movies the teenagers did. I share more memories with GenXers than Millennials, but whatcha gonna do? Can’t help when I was born!

My Dad gave me my 80’s education in the 90’s, and I’m so glad he did because there are some awesome songs in the 80’s.

“I’m fine, really.” “Course, yeah. Just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brothers in the bell jar and purgatory’s most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but yeah, I get it. You’re fine.”

Dean is trying so hard to be fine, to pretend to be fine. Because his little brother is hurting, and in Dean’s book, that’s where his attention should be, not on his own shit.

But, Bobby knows, now, and he’s trying to be there for a shattered Dean.

Now, Destiel is nowhere near where it will get down the line. But, still, “Best friend ever” is a hard thing to lose.

S7E07 -

We get a brief Cas mention here when Dean says “Of course, since Cas I’m having a hard time trusting anybody” because he did trust Cas. And all of that hurt a lot more than he’s admitted to anyone, yet.

Dean doesn’t let people in easily. It’s just not his thing. But Castiel found his way in despite being an Angel, of all things. Anna was a blip on the Angel radar who ultimately betrayed them, and Dean was able to let that go pretty easily.

But Cas was different. Cas was family. And it all fell apart.

S7E13 -

“Bobby was right. Your head’s not in it. When Cas died you were wobbly, but now-“ “Now, what? Oh, what, you’re dealing with this so perfect? Yeah, newsflash, pal, you’re just as screwed up as I am.”

It’s the first time Sam’s brought up Cas since he died, but I do appreciate the impact. Of course Bobby’s death would rock him harder. That’s completely expected.

But I like the acknowledgement that Cas’ death messed him up so much Sam noticed it despite all the shit he has going on right now.

Sam is not oblivious to the Destiel, here. He just likes not being punched in the face, so he tends not to bring it up.

S7E17 -

“When you put my soul back, Cas warned you about all the crap-“ “Screw Cas!”

Sorry, Dean. That’s your job, not your brother’s. Just sayin’!

Not much later, Dean’s search for anything to help Sam leads him to the doorstep of Emmanuel. Well, he kills off the faker, and then comes face-to-face with… holy shit! That’s Cas!

Dean has fucking seen a ghost… it’s Castiel. And, gosh, I wish I was a part of the fandom at this point because I can only imagine how wild it got. Of course Dean and Cas reunite when the others aren’t with them. Even if our dear Cas is out of his head

“What was that?”

Three words for us to know Cas isn’t fully Cas. Three words. I want to kiss the writers for that.

Look, establishing shit is tedious, sometimes. You have to try to find a way to get the necessary information to the audience without dragging it out, boring them to tears, or making it feel like we forgot what this character talks like.

In Star Trek, the writers always seemed to quickly identify who was good with expeditionary dialogue. This case is a little different, but still the same concept—get the audience caught up to where we are so we can move on with the story. So well done.

“I’m Emmanuel.” “Dean. I’m, Dean.” “Thank you for protecting my wife.” “Your wife. Right.”

Jensen Ross Ackles (yes, I went on Wikipedia to find out his bloody middle name) what the hell were you doing with your lip there? That little lip quiver?

I mean, there was a bit of surprise, yeah, but that lip quiver read as… a little more.

And, an aside on the Wikipedia look—I totally forgot he was on Dark Angel. I was a mega fan of Season One of that show, but didn't watch much of Season 2, when Ackles was on there, but I do vaguely remember him!

“You don’t know about-”

Anything, Dean. He doesn’t know about anything. He doesn’t know what horrors he wrought. He doesn’t know who he is. He doesn’t know who Dean is.

Dean, who has lost Bobby and is struggling not to lose Sam, is standing in front of the guy who he mourned despite him dooming the whole fucking world. He's got Cas right here, but he doesn’t remember anything.

“What’s your issue?” “My brother.”

And the guy who did this to him is standing across from him. You did this to him, you fucker. Maybe you’re the only one who can undo it.

But Emmanuel doesn’t know who he is, doesn’t know what he’s done. And if Dean tells him, he risks losing his one shot to save Sam.

“So, Daphne… is that your, uh, your wife?” "She found me and cared for me. … Oh, it s a strange story. You may not like it.” “Believe me I will. … So who named you Emmanuel?” "bouncybabynames.com"

Okay, somehow this is super Cas coded. I don’t know why, but the first time I heard it, I thought, “Yup, that’s what Cas would do”. And by Dean's head tilt, I think he’s thinking the same thing.

I looked up Emmanuel, and it means “God with us”. I was pretty sure I remembered that from my Sunday School, but confirming it made me giggle. Yes, the Angel who tried to be God named himself “God with us”. Bless.

"Must be weird not knowing who you are.” “Well, it's my life and its a good life.” “What if you were some sort of uh, I don’t know, a bad guy?” “I don’t feel like a bad person.”

Dean’s testing the waters to see how much he should say. How much he can say. His priority right now is Sam—like it almost always is. So, Dean clams up.

“Someone did this to him.” “You’re angry.”

Of all the lines Collins delivers as Emmanuel, this is the one that reminds me he's still Cas. This isn’t Jimmy. This is a version of Cas if he was born human with special powers… but he is still Cas. This is a Cas line.

Also, Cas is still Cas. He can see into Dean. He doesn't know why he can, but he can.

“Well, yeah. Dude broke my brother’s head.” “He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?”

Cas is doing the Cas thing of seeing into things, but somehow Dean's doing a good job of covering up the fact that Cas is Cas. But Castiel’s senses are still alive and firing, even if his memory isn’t.

“Yeah, well, he’s gone.” “Did you kill him? I sense that you kill a lot of people.”

Dean’s firmly in, “I’m gonna get through this to save my brother” mode. Cas was his friend and Cas is gone, as far as he knows.

“Honestly, I don’t know if he is dead. I just know that this whole thing couldn’t be messier. You know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. Whatever it was. It might take some time. I always could. What Cas did, I just can’t. I don’t know why.”

Oh, Dean, honey. You have never had a friend like Cas. You have never trusted someone like Cas. Yes, Bobby, sure. But Bobby took the Dad role.

You tried to put Cas in a “brother” role because that’s all you know and “Panromantic Asexual Life Partner” (at this point) wasn’t in your vocabulary.

You can’t shake it because you still love Cas. Yes, as family at this point, not a lover. He is family. And he’s sitting right next to you.

And his betrayal is so much worse because you made him family.

Nobody made him blood, like your dad. No, you chose Cas. And that’s why it hurts like hell and you can’t stop feeling it.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. Why.” “Of course it matters.” “No, you’re not a machine, Dean. You’re human. Your friend’s name was Cas? That’s an odd name.”

That line, “You’re not a machine, Dean” hits me every time, because it’s the first time Emmanuel has called Dean “Dean” and he does it in a very Cas way.

“Imagine when I track him down and he's snuggled up with you.”

Meg’s smart. She knows that while she and Cas have a spark, Dean’s Cas’s first—and only—love.

“Are you sure we wouldn’t be safer traveling with a full-throttle angel? I could jog his memory. {Off Dean's withering look} Kidding!”

Much fun as it was for Dean to watch Cas and Meg make out the last time, that’s the last thing he wants to see about now.

And before Dean and Meg step aside for this next exchange, I love the staging. Castiel is between his boyfriend and his girlfriend. Aw. They can share him because Cas has two hands!

Anyway…

“I know you're enjoying the double dip with your old pal-” “You think it’s that cut and dry?”

I’m sorry. Did Dean just… did he just. I’m actually speechless.

Because “double dip” here is a very assertive poke where Castiel is the ice cream and Dean’s the one eating. You see where I’m going with this, right!?

See, Cas can’t remember who he is, right? So Dean gets his time in with Cas, and now he gets to double dip and get more with Cas via Emmanual. It can also be taken very sexually.

And Dean didn’t deny it, right? Sure, he doesn’t deny it when people make assertions about him and Cas. He just rolls with it. But he also doesn’t dismiss it in his rapid-fire response to Meg, and I find that fascinating.

NOTE: I always find a word that gets used a lot in a Meta. Sometimes it’s a term of endearment I use for a character. Sometimes it’s a term I use to describe a scene. I think I’ve written “Fascinating” 40 times here.

But, since this isn’t for a grade or publication in a magazine, I’m leaving every. Single. One. Of. Them.

Oh, yeah, I live on the edge! Wild child right here.

ahem

“You know what he did. And you just wanna tell him and hope that he takes it in stride? He could snap. He could disappear. Who knows.” “I gather we know each other.”

It’s the Angelic Swoop! It’s the Angel Camera swoop! Sure, Dean just slid up behind them instead of poofing out of nowhere, but the camera did the swoop!

“You can tell me. I’ll be fine.” “How do you know? You just met yourself. I’ve known you for years.” “You’re an angel.” “I’m sorry. Is that a flirtation?”

God Bless you Cas. You’re still in there. And Dean does the most adorable little double-take there. Like, “that’s what you think flirting is? I’ve been doing this wrong for years!”

Yes, I know. I know. I don’t think Dean’s there, yet. And your mileage may vary, and I know it will! But, I don’t think Dean quite knows, yet.

“No, it’s a species. A very powerful one.” “She’s not lying. That’s why you heal people. you don’t eat. I’m sure there’s more.” “Why wouldn’t you tell me? Being an Angel, it sounds pleasant.” “It’s not. Trust me. It’s bloody. It’s corrupt. It’s not pleasant.” “He would know. You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually.”

Dean rolls his eyes at that, because there's always the implication of more that he still doesn’t deny.

“We’re friends? Am I Cas? I had no idea. I don’t remember you. I’m sorry.” … “It’s in there. I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike.” “I don’t know how to do that either.”

Dean’s reaction here is classic Dean when it comes to Cas and his inability to understand Pop Culture or very human references and turns of phrase. In a way, it’s comforting.

And despite his lack of memory, Cas is still Cas. He barely knows Dean, right now, but he trusts him. Meg said so herself!

He’s walking into this battlefield armed with knowledge he doesn’t know he has. But he’ll do it for Dean.

Maybe this is the only universe where Dean and Cas find each other, but it’s the one universe where they always find their way back to one another.

Because fuck destiny and fuck fate. Sometimes soulmates aren’t crafted by divine intervention but are found in spite of it.

The first memory we see is the barn… when he first spoke to Dean after rescuing from Hell. Then, it’s saving Dean and rebelling in the Burger Room. Next, dooming Sam, then taking the blood. His “I’m sorry, Dean”. Because while he’s remembering everything, we’re getting the clip show.

And someone in charge knew that Dean is at the center of it all for Cas. And Cas knows, too. He knows. He still wouldn’t call it romantic love, I don’t think, but he knows that Dean means more to him than anyone ever has. And now he remembers just how much he failed him. Not just the world… he failed Dean.

“Cas?” “I remember you.”

I have to pause here to appreciate Collins’ physicality. Just the way he turns around to face Dean is so obviously our Castiel and not Emmanuel or anyone else.

“I remember everything. What I did. What I became. Why didn’t you tell me?” “Because Sam is dying in there.” “Because of me. Everything. All these people. I shouldn’t be here.” “Cas. Cas!”

Castiel cuts between his lovers as he storms off, and Dean makes sure he’s the one to go after their shared situationship while Meg stays behind.

“If you remember, then you know you did the best you could at the time.” “Don’t defend me. Do you have any idea the death toll in heaven. On earth? We didn’t part friends Dean.” “So what?” “I deserved to die.”

Dean almost nods at it. I mean, when Cas commits, he commits. When Cas fucks up, he fucks up.

“Now I can’t possibly fix it, so why did I even walk out of that river?” “Maybe to fix it.”

Castiel doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, and the first time I saw this scene I laughed aloud, because I’d heard tale of the legendary coat that had traveled from car to car with Dean. I thought it was the thing of myths and legends.

But there’s the damn coat.

It was all Dean had left of Cas—the best friend he’d ever had. Cas sees the coat, and he can’t take his eyes off of it, even to look at Dean. Because this is a really beautiful nonverbal way for Dean to say what he needs to say without saying it.

Dean doesn’t like getting emotional or giving speeches. He starts to do more later. But, this is Season 7 Dean and he’s not there, yet.

This is Dean’s way of showing Cas that even after everything he did, Cas still matters to Dean. So much of Season 6 felt like the Winchesters using Cas and Castiel lying to them.

This is their restart. This is their new beginning. This is the moment when Dean says, “Yes, I want you to heal my brother. Yes, you’re the one who fucked him up. But I carried this shitty coat around for months because of this ‘profound bond’ of ours. You matter to me as you, not just for what you can do to help me”.

Inside the hospital, Cas wears the coat over his Emmanuel clothes. It feels more costume than clothing with the slicked down hair and suburban housewife attire underneath. He can barely look at Dean as he tells him he can’t fix it.

“But I maybe able to shift it.” “Shift?” “Yeah, it would get Sam back on his feet.”

Dean doesn’t realize what Cas is doing, but Cas is committed. He told Dean before that he was going to find a way to redeem himself to him. We know that he would do anything for Dean.

“It’s better this way. I’ll be fine.” “Wait, Cas, what are you doing?”

But Cas isn’t going to tell him the plan. Because he did this to Sam, and he’s going to fix it.

“Look, man, I get it. She’s not our friend. We don’t even have friends. All our friends are dead.”

Ouch. Real ouch. But Dean saw what the mental breakdown was doing to Sam, and they know that Cas has taken that on. Nobody knows how his Angelic programming will handle it. He’s as good as dead to them. And that aches.

S7E18 -

Including this because Bobby sent Dean to Cas. I think a lot about the Series Finale, and while we have the utter lack of Castiel, we do have an eye waggle and some encouragement from Bobby for Dean to go after his Angel.

Imagine how much Bobby’s been watching them, how much he sees now that he can follow them around.

S7E21 -

“Cas is awake. … Last night about 8.” “And you waited until now to call us?”

I love how annoyed Dean is that Meg waited so long to give him an update on their shared situationship. And I also love that the Winchester boys are already determined to drive to Cas before they put it together that his waking times out with the tablet.

Again, we’re finally seeing that they value Cas for Cas. It’s about damn time.

Now, Dean and Sam know that things are going to be fucked up with Cas. Between what he did, and then what he absorbed from Sam, they’re not sure what to expect.

But there was never a question of whether they’d go—even before they make the tablet connection, they’re driving.

“Hey, Cas?” “Hello, Dean. Sam.”

The iconography here is insane. Cas as Castiel in his right mind wears the trench coat over the suit. From the behind-the-scenes clips poor Collins runs hot and this get-up can’t help much with that.

But, here, Castiel is wearing his trench coat on the outside, but much as it was ill-fitting with his cul-de-sac clothes, it looks almost comical over the blank, white psych patient clothing.

He wants to be closer to his true self—but underneath he’s still not himself. He’s clawing toward it, but the damage he did to Sam was monstrous, and the impact is still devastating, even to his Angelic programming.

“Hey Castiel.” “Look at you walking and talking. That’s, that’s great, right?”

Look at the hope in Dean’s eyes. Yes, they parted on a bad note before the weird adventures of Cas’ memory loss, but even then, Dean’s kinda attached to the guy.

Of course, seconds later they see that Cas isn’t fully there. But, hey, Dean was ready for a lot worse, right? And he came anyway.

As they try to talk to Cas and see what’s left of him, you can see the sadness in Dean’s eyes. Sam is keeping the conversation moving because Dean is lost in thought.

“I love you guys.”

It’s so strange, because Castiel is speaking more forthright than he usually would—about Meg’s beauty, about his love for the Winchesters. He’s uncorked, you might say.

And he isn’t fully himself because what we choose to release and what we choose to keep close is a part of what makes us… us. Castiel hasn’t yet fully found his way back to himself.

Gosh, what a rollercoaster ride this must’ve been for the actor. I mean, a fun one, but if you could how many minutes he’s been fully Castiel in this season, it’s less than 5 minutes of screen time. That’s just wild.

“Alright, I’ll go handle Cas. Sam, will you please pick up the word of God?”

Dean instinctively knows it has to be him. He does! He just doesn’t fully understand why, yet.”

"It’s Sam’s thing, isn’t it? You taking on his, uh, Cage match scars. I’m guessing that’s what broke your bank, right?" "Well, it took everything to get me here." "What are you talking about, man?"

Rachel’s flashing to S15E18, again. The exact same phrase when Castiel spoke in a way Dean couldn’t yet understand.

I mean, yeah, the Angel’s a bit out of his mind, but I love the consistency in things like this, little phrases characters use often enough, but not so repetitively that they become a 90’s catchphrase.

Literally, last night my husband said, “You got it, Dude” and I told him there’s no way I married Michelle Tanner from Full House. We were kids in the 80’s and 90’s. Catchphrases were all the rage.

“Dean, I know you want different answer.” “No I want you to button up your coat and help us take down leviathans. Do you remember what you did?” … “I’m sorry, Dean.” “No. You’re playing sorry.”

Dean is hurting and he’s angry. And while that is perfectly valid, Castiel isn’t running at full speed. He can barely get through a conversation, let alone march into battle.

Later, Meg returns from killing the Demons, and we have Castiel and Dean in the two-shot, Cas over his shoulder like the little broken Angel he is.

“You have fallen in every way imaginable.”

Ouch, Hester. Ouch. I mean, yeah, I can understand why you hate the guy—destroying fucking Heaven and all. But words still hurt.

“He can’t help you. He can’t help anybody.”

Finally, Dean, you got your head out of your ass long enough to understand the situation. Thank you.

“We’re trying to clean up one of your Angel’s messes and you know that.”

Cas is fidgety. He doesn’t like the confrontation. He doesn’t like disappointing Dean.

“He’s right. An angel brought the leviathan back into this world, And, and they begged him, they begged him not to do it.”

Dean hates begging, but it’s true. And Cas is finally saying Dean was right. Too late, of course.

“Why should we give you anything {shot of Dean} after everything you have taken from us?” {Shot of Cas}

Yeah, this was not edited to be subtle at all. We aren’t even looking at Kevin Tran or Sam or any of the other Angels. This is about Castiel. This is about Dean and Castiel.

We are quite literally addressing the Destiel in the room. And it’s by one pissed-off Angel.

“The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost.”

Ho. Ly. Shit. Why on earth did people tell y’all that you were hallucinated Destiel!? It’s like the craziest mass gaslighting ever!

Dean stares defiantly, but there’s hurt there, too. Because this is a confirmation of everything he’s ever believed about himself. He always sees the worst in himself and much as we know Cas’ shit is on him, in this moment Dean almost believes her.

Because he never believed he was worth saving. He believes he’s worth abandoning. He believes he’s poison to those he loves.

“For that you’re going to pay.” {She advances on Dean, but Cas steps up}, “Please. They’re the ones we were put here to protect.” {Cas spins so Hester is facing him, away from Dean}

She starts beating the shit out of him, and the Winchesters are ready to fight before the other Angels stop them. And as soon as Meg spikes the bitch, the other Angels are like, “Meh. Guess we’ll move on, now”.

Like, seriously, nobody liked Hester. They’re all just standing around, not killing the demon who iced their sibling. Buh-bye, bitch!

“It says we need to start with the blood of a fallen Angel.” “Well, you know me. I’m always happy to bleed for the Winchesters.”

He hands the blood to Dean, right past Sam. And you can see that Dean appreciates the actual help from the broken, fallen Angel.

S7E22 -

“I mean, it’s what he’d want us to do. Right?” “Yeah, him, and Frank, and Cas—if his marbles were in the bag.”

Dean’s almost always the one to bring up Cas. The Angel is so important to him, though he’s not going to say it.

S7E23 -

“We can call Castiel, again.” “Dude, on my car, he showed up naked… covered in bees.”

I told my husband about this, and he immediately said, “Trying to woo him!?” But, seriously, this might be the strangest way to tell a flower you want to pollinate him.

“You deal with him, I can’t anymore.” “You might want to be more specific.” “I was laying low halfway across the world when emo boy pops up out of nowhere and zaps me right back here.” “Why?” “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.”

Dean’s face falls and eyes kind of narrow… but he doesn’t bother denying it.

All the times he has denied being gay, but when it comes to Cas, he doesn’t, really. And the jaw clench at the end, there. phew

I’m not saying Dean is in love with Cas at this point, and Cas showed at the beginning of the season with those looks that he must be aware, now, on some level. I mean, half the celestial world knows. Destiel lore is spreading.

Dean approaches Cas outside… sees Cas is still not all there. Dean lifts his head to gather all his will to get through this.

Have you ever steadied yourself to talk to a friend or family member struggling with dementia? It reminds me of that, of trying to remember that who you’re talking to, now, isn’t exactly who you spoke with then. Not really.

They’re still in there, but you don’t know if you’re going to reach them or not. It’s unsettling and it’s super hard.

“I don’t want to fight.” "No, I’m not-” {Dean calms himself} We’re worried.”

This is tough for Dean. Cas is majorly triggered by conflict, and Dean’s first reaction is to get mad. So, this is a big thing for both of them.

"Alright, enough.”

Dean taking a Cas line to defend Cas from Crowley.

“I can’t help. Do you understand? I can’t. I destroyed everything {Cas’ voice breaks} and I will destroy everything again. So can we please leave it at that?”

Castiel truly thinks he can’t do anything right. God, these two are so similar in so many ways—except Cas’s instinct here is to pull back while Dean’s gut is telling him to lean in.

“No. No we can’t. We can’t leave it. You let these friggin things in. So you don’t get to make a sandwich. And you don’t get a damn cat. Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess.” … “Nice, you scared off the empire’s only hope.” “Meaning?” “It occur to you that ever one of those things was in Cas? He knows them. He can see past the meat suits.”

Ding, ding, ding! Keeping calm actually benefits the cause, Dean. And, I get it. I have anger issues, and have had to work my whole life to temper my temper. But, you gotta get through to Cas another way.

Cas watches from the stairs as Sam and Dean say goodbye to Bobby, likely invisible to their eyes. He’s still Angelic enough to be removed from those he loves, but it’s the Dean-to-Cas swoop shot that reveals him. It’s their shot.

“Cas, I need a wingman.” “Dean-“ “You don’t want to jump into the jaws of death that’s… fine. How about we run a little errand?”

It’s a good ask. And, honestly, giving these two a moment alone is almost always a good idea.

“Dean-“ “Cas. We’ve been over it. I get it. You can’t help.” “If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct.” “I don’t know, I guess." “And at best I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake. Or I don’t die. I’m brought back again. I see now it’s a punishment resurrection. It’s worse every time.”

This line makes me laugh, because it’s kinda true. Every time Cas comes back, seems thing to suck more than ever, until the Empty sends him back. That one works out better than the rest.

"I’m sorry. Uh, we’re talking about God crap, right?” I’m not good luck, Dean.”

Oh, my poor, sweet Angel. You really think you’re going to make it worse for him, don’t you? Because your last venture out went so terribly, you’re afraid to do it, again. And you don’t want to let Dean down, again.

Think about it. Cas told Dean he’d find a way to redeem himself, but he’s not completely there and he knows it. He knows that something is off about him, and that’s only compounding his insecurities.

“Yeah, but you know what, bottom of the 9th and you’re the only guy left on the bench? Sorry, but I’d rather have you. Cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, alright. We’re all cursed. I seem like good luck to you?”

This line is insane. The first time I heard it I gasped. It’s such a simple line, void of romance or flirtation. It’s simply Dean stating what he sees. But, oh, what does Cas see?

Yes, darling, you’re good luck to him. You changed his entire world and the course of his existence, so, yes, you’ll always be good luck to him.

And Cas’ features go so soft here. Damnit, Collins, you’re at it, again, with the subtleties. And what I adore about this scene is that Dean picks up on it. He notes the shift in Cas immediately.

“What?” “Well, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness.” “Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna die tomorrow, so.” “Well, I’ll go with you. And I’ll do my best.” “Thanks.”

Have you ever had the love of your life say the right thing when you needed it most? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I say some stupid shit sometimes, and so does Matthew.

But there are times when I need that reminder of what I can do, who I am, what I mean to those I love. It doesn’t take much, but that can be enough to push us to overcome our fears.

Dean doesn’t realize that’s what he’s done for Cas—emboldened him enough to risk failing for the hope of succeeding.

“Wake up.”

Cas usually waits for Dean to wake. He can’t this time. They’re in Purgatory, and they need to get moving. With a whoosh Cas is gone and Dean’s left with the monsters.

And I have to call out the insanity that is Collins’ performance this year as Castiel. Yes, he only had a handful of episodes, but in that handful of episodes he had maybe 5 minutes of screen time where Cas was Cas and not something else.

He was Godstiel. He was possessed by Leviathans. He was Emmanuel. Then, he was briefly himself before taking on Sam’s mental anguish. And for the rest of the season, he’s a teetering mess in tatters, not fully himself.

It’s just mind boggling to me from a performance standpoint, and I applaud Collins’ efforts.

S8E01 -

“What about Cas? Was he there?” “Yeah, Cas didn’t make it.”

Widower Arc II, baby! The first one left Dean “shaky” according to Sam, but this ones only gonna get worse.

Every time Dean loses Cas, he realizes how much deeper their bond has grown. Because, yes, while they’ve only been reunited a few episodes by the end of Season 7, and Castiel isn’t fully himself, it’s Cas.

And in the eleventh hour, when they faced down Dick Roman, Cas was the one to help Dean finish him off. He came through. He didn’t fail. Despite his fear, he showed up and got it done.

And then he was gone. Gone.

Think about this from Dean’s perspective—a being he sees as family pulled himself together enough to face certain death for Dean’s sake. Dean knows this.

And he’s going to find that little Angel and protect him, right? He’s going to save him, right? Because Cas came through for Dean and Dean cannot fail him.

But he does. At least, that’s what he believes.

Dean walks away from his brother. Can’t look him in the eye. He thinks he failed Cas.

“What exactly does that mean?” “Something happened to him down there. Things got pretty hairy toward the end and he just… let go.” “So Cas is dead. You saw him die.” “I saw enough.” “So, you’re not sure.” “I said I saw enough, Sam.” {Dean turns back} “Right. Dean, I’m sorry.”

Sam knows that Cas and Dean have some kind of special connection. You can’t tell me otherwise after that! Much as Sam is sad to know that Cas is gone, Dean is the one wrecked by it. It’s plain to see.

“Me, too.

Oh, the self-loathing. Looks like Cas and Dean are playing Hot Potato with this one and it’s Dean’s turn.

“Did you look for me, Sam?”

This is such a core part of Dean… that “not give up” spirit he has. The only time he didn’t look for Sam was when Sam made him promise to go live a life at the end of Season 5.

“Good. That’s good. We always told each other not to look for each other.”

And how much time did he spend in Purgatory looking for the Angel? From the moment they were separated, Dean tried to reunite with him.

“That’s smart. That’s good for you. Of course we always ignored that because of our deep, abiding love for each other, but not this time, right Sammy?”

And I see why he’s hurting. He spent a year looking for Cas in Purgatory only to lose him at the last second, and he gets back to find that his brother didn’t look for him at all.

Yes, they are very different people and I don’t think Dean realizes he’s continuing the same cycle his father began with them—pushing the family to hunt together rather than living normal lives.

It might seem selfish to be human. I think that’s how Dean sees it, sometimes. But it’s also important to be human, and Sam understands that better than his big brother.

“Take a breath. Calm down. Where’s the angel?” You’re him. The human.” “Where’s the angel?”

I’m sorry. You’re telling me that all it took for the demon to know who Dean was was “Where’s the Angel?” Three-ish words and the dude’s a legend for tearing through Purgatory looking for his Angel?

“Alright, what about you?” “What about me?” “Look at you. You’ve still got that look. You’re shaky. You’re on edge.”

And he’s constantly thinking about Purgatory. About his hunt for the angel. Every memory we’ve seen so far, he mentions the Angel.

Also shaky is back. That’s the word Sam used the last time they lost Cas back in Season 7. He said that Dean was shaky. So, at least the human is consistent, though I’m convinced his mourning is deeper this time.

Because he thinks he failed him.

In my mind’s eye, I see Castiel at the beginning of Season 7 telling Dean he’d find a way to redeem himself, and then presumably never getting the chance. Dean wanted to be Castiel’s hero, to bring him home because they are family. And he failed.

He left someone behind. He didn’t want to, but he abandoned Castiel in the land of monsters because he wasn’t enough.

No, it’s not entirely accurate, we’ll come to learn. But that’s what Dean sees. He always sees the worst in himself because that’s easier to believe than the good.

Yeah, this is another one of those places where I relate to Dean more than I should. I’ve always seen the worst in myself and find criticism easier to believe than praise. It’s not a fun way to be.

“First we find the Angel.” “Mm, three’s a crowd, chief.” “Well, hey, either you’re in or you’re out.”

Dean is throwing his words back at Benny, but he’s making the stakes clear—you wanna get out of here, I’ll take you, but not without the Angel.

Also, I know there was a huge contingent of Benny/Dean shippers, and I see the vision! But, Benny-boo, Cas already has that prime real estate in Dean’s heart, so like Meg with Cas, you’re just gonna have to share him.

“Dean. You’re looking. Well, let’s say Purgatory didn’t do you any favors. Where’s your Angel?”

Uhhh. Your Angel!? Season 8 Crowley is full on aware of the Dean/Cas situation. And, yes, I wrote it like we used to write ships back before Soap Operas popularized name combinations.

Heck, for Mulder and Scully, you’d just declare in the AOL Chat Room if you were a Shipper, Fencer, or Noromo. These were simpler times. But I think Crowley, here, is a full-on Heller by now.

Somewhere between the end of Season 6 and the beginning of Season 8, there’s a huge shift in the Destiel relationship and how Dean sees Cas. He stops infantilizing him. He starts caring about him in a new way and really showing it.

They start to have honest conversations and deepen what’s already there. But, we’ll get to all that.

S8E02 -

“You’ll find your angel there.”

While Dean has been saying “the” Angel, I like that people start calling Cas “your Angel or flipping the script from Cas collecting Dean to Dean collecting Cas.

Because, if we’re real, they’re each other’s favorite Pokémon.

“Dean Winchester?” “Do I know you?” “Uh, no, but, uh, I knew Castiel.” “You’re an angel?”

Most Angels who want to “Talk” to Dean are aggressive, angry, and assertive. Samandriel, in this unassuming vessel, is polite. And, like anyone who understands Castiel at all, he knows that Dean will be the one with any answers.

"I wanted to ask you about Castiel. What happened to him?” “Well, uh, me and Cas, we, uh, we iced Dick Roman and got a one-way rocket ride to Purgatory for our trouble.” “But you escaped, Did, did Castiel?”

Dean’s face says it all. And it kinda sucks because Cas didn’t have a lot of friends left in Heaven after the whole Leviathan thing, so it’s sad that Dean had to deliver the bad news.

“You know there are some in heaven who still believe despite his mistakes that Castiel’s heart was always in the right places.” “Are you one of them?” “I think too much heart was always Castiel’s problem.”

This dude looks angry at Dean. Did you notice that? He brushes Dean’s arm as he passes. He doesn’t want to talk to Dean anymore. He got his answer. And now he’s done.

And I imagine that only digs the dagger deeper into Dean. His mind flits back to Castiel, the Angel of Thursday, the one with too much heart, the one he lost.

Cas still wears a hospital band around his wrist as he washes his face and hand in the water in Purgatory. He hears Dean’s voice and looks around. It’s not that he can’t pinpoint the source of the voice, but that he’s looking for Leviathan.

Before facing him, Cas is trying to be sure Dean will be safe during this conversation. It’s such a minute thing, but it’s clear as day that he’s not only fairly sane, but also completely on mission—protect Dean Winchester at all costs.

So it begins.

Castiel stands without moving. If he moves, he might lose his vantage point to see all around them to try to keep Dean safe. But Dean walks toward him like a lost man in the woods following a far-off beacon of light.

Dean laughs as he approaches Cas, pulling him into a hug. His face turns away from Benny as he nearly crumbles. Yes, Cas once hugged Dean and Sam while still struggling with sanity, but this is Dean initiating a hug. He doesn’t do that lightly.

And he and Benny are working together, but they aren’t tight, yet, so he doesn’t want the Vamp to see the ache of hugging Cas, of finding him. His Angel. Finally.

Cas doesn’t hug back. He doesn’t think he deserves this hug. He is still punishing himself for everything he did, for everything he cannot fix.

“Damn it’s good to see you.” {he lets one hand linger on Cas’ shoulder before touching a finger to Cas’ cheek} Nice peach fuzz.” “Thank you.”

It’s such a familiar thing, there. None of the bad blood of Season 7. He’s just so relieved to have his Angel back.

“How did you find me?” “The bloody way.”

Oh, the lengths Dean has gone through for you, Castiel. Last season, you didn’t think you were good luck, but you helped him take down the big bad. And this season, you don’t think you deserve to be saved. But he does.

And nobody’s commanding it, Castiel.

Listen to me, you foolish little Angel. This is an act of love on Dean’s part because you are family. You matter to him not because you’re an Angel or because of your abilities but because of you and who you are.

I know you can’t see it. I know it will be a long time before you even begin to realize you matter to Dean because despite being able to see into him, it’s the one thing you won’t allow yourself to see.

“I ran away.” “You ran away.”

And now Dean’s faith is shattered, again.

"I had to." “That’s your excuse for leaving me with those gorilla wolves?” “Dean-” “You bailed out and, what, went camping? I prayed to you, Cas, every night.”

Oh. My. Gosh. The first time Dean prayed to Cas and he appeared, the angel said it was a sign of faith. So, despite everything that has happened between these two, Dean didn’t lose faith in Cas. He didn’t. He prayed every night.

And Cas can’t meet Dean’s eyes. Because even though he knows why he stayed away, he can feel the disappointment, the betrayal, the pain radiating off of Dean.

Also, the music cue on “every night” is so intentional. They want us to feel the emotion and the agony here.

Remember, every part of a production tells a story. The music’s telling it, too. We just have to be listening.

“What the hell’s wrong with you?” “I am an Angel in a land of abomination. There have been things hunting from the moment we arrived.” “Join the Club." “These are not just monsters, Dean, they are Leviathan. I have a price on my head. And I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them to-”

Cas stops, looking over to Benny.. he doesn’t want to give this stranger this insider info. But, honey, your human’s already blown your cover.

All of Purgatory know what you are to one another because Dean’s been running around with bullets and blades yelling, “Where’s my honey lemon?!” for the last year.

But he doesn’t know that. All he knows is what truly kept him away.

“-to keep them away from you.”

This hits Dean hard. He realized that Cas has been protecting him this whole time. That Cas led the worst of the worst away from Dean to keep Dean safe. He prioritized Dean.

And much as Dean would rather be in the battle with Cas every time, it’s a lot harder to be mad knowing Cas was making himself a moving target to try to give Dean a chance to survive.

“That’s why I ran. Just leave me, please."

Now that he’s said what he needs to say, he turns away. He’s trying to distance himself from Dean, to give Dean a chance because in Purgatory he’s nothing but poison to Dean.

If the very touch of Dean corrupted Cas, the very presence of Cas endangers Dean. How surreal that these two whose existences so often seem contradictory come to best live in the presence of one another.

“Cas, we’re getting out of here. We’re going home.” “Dean, I can’t.” “You can. … Cas, buddy, I need you.”

Look at Cas’ reaction. Look at that. Because Cas can see into Dean. He can see that Dean means this—Dean needs Cas.

It’s not Dean asking Cas to do something for him. It’s not him needing Cas’ skills or expertise or powers or knowledge.

This is the first time that Dean has looked at Cas and said I need you.

It’s not about use or purpose. It’s about one being needing another being. Dean needs Cas in his life. He does. He needs him.

And he’s acknowledging it for the first time.

We don’t know if it’s the first time he’s realized it within himself, but it’s the first time he’s verbalized it. And it’s almost too much for Cas.

Cas is where Dean was in S4E01…. he doesn’t think he deserves to be saved. But what can he say to Dean? How can he tell this being who is finally looking at him and saying he needs him that he can’t go with him? That he won’t?

Even how this is shot is so damn intimate. I mean, we have the shots where all three are visible, but this moment is Dean talking to Cas over Cas’ shoulder, and then a closeup of Cas’s face.

Because this is intimate and this is personal and it allows us to momentarily forget Benny and rest in this moment with Cas who is feeling things he never thought he’d feel.

Now, much as Dean thinks he’s corruption to Cas, Cas thinks he’s poison to Dean. They’re so damn similar, but for just a second, Castiel forgets all that and absorbs his words—Dean needs me.

“Dean.” “And if Leviathan want to take a shot at us, let them.”

“Us. There’s an us here, now." I know I have referenced that line from Dawson’s Creek in other metas, but that’s because it’s one of those things that stands out to me in shows—when two characters choose to become an us.

Dean and Sam are a dynamic duo, brothers. But Cas? Much as Dean tries to say he sees him like a brother or whatnot, it’s because he’s trying to fit his relationship with Cas into a heteronormative box based on his life of experience.

And, yes, Benny makes three, but Dean is making a point to Cas, here. You don’t have to do this alone. We are going to do this together.

“We ganked those bitches once before, we can do it, again.”

Look at Dean’s face. He wants to do this with Cas. He can’t imagine going on without him.

“Let me bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you.”

Dean has abandonment issues. He also has a fear of failing people. The people who need him most. The people he loves.

And all of this—from Dean saying he needs Cas to saying he won’t leave without him—has been shot without a glimpse of Benny. This was intentional. This tells a story.

We’re going on a journey in this scene, and for this particular part, Benny is a distraction. Because this is about the Destiel.

This is about Dean trying to get through to Castiel, and Cas trying to appease Dean enough to keep him moving, to get him to safety, knowing that he won’t follow behind.

Because Dean’s motivation in this scene is to get Cas and get back on the road. Castiel’s motivation is to get rid of Dean to keep him safe. But Cas quickly realizes Dean won’t move on without him.

Because Dean needs him.

Castiel is a burden to Dean and Benny, here. He’s literally a lightning rod for Leviathans and will dramatically reduce their chance of escape. But Dean doesn’t care.

That’s what is so wild about this. It’s the “heart choice” as Sam would say. Dean’s making the heart choice for Cas because he loves him.

It doesn’t matter what kind of love, at this point. It’s love. And it’s what Dean believes will pull that resistant Angel outta Purgatory, no matter what.

No, y’all weren’t crazy. I hope you know that.

This final shot on the water is beautiful.

Benny has been there during the scene, and when he was trying to split these two up by baiting Cas, he was in between them in a lot of the shots.

Then, what it got personal, the shots transitioned until it was close ups of Dean and Cas—because this is them. Dean unyielding in wanting to keep them together. Castiel doing anything to protect Dean, even if it means keeping them apart.

In this last wide shot with the three of them in silhouette, Benny is on the outside, and Cas and Dean are facing one another. What a beautiful metaphor for how the scene started to how it ended.

Yes, Cas intends to stay, but he’s going to stay with Dean as long as he can. He will protect him as well as he can. Now, the fate of the world doesn’t matter for him. He’s in Purgatory, so what can he do about it?

But the fate of one man? Maybe he can have a hand in saving that one man.

"I know we’re not mates, Kevin, but one word of advice. Run. Run far and run fast. Because the Winchesters, well, they have a habit of using people up and watching them die bloody.”

The camera shows us Dean, his reaction to these words. Bobby’s gone. Cas is gone. And this kid… Well, who can blame this kid for being scared?

“What’s that kid thinking?” “He thinks people I don’t need anymore, they end up dead.” “Dean, that that’s not true. You know that.”

Don’t “need”. Need. And, yes, this is a different kind of need because he did need Cas and Cas still ended up dead, as far as he knows.

Look, I have definitely felt that Cas was used up a lot by the Winchesters. So many times he had to remind them that he was at literal war and they didn’t care.

They were hard on him. They were patronizing to him. They called him only when they needed things and off-hand sort of offered help… but by that point it was far too late.

This doesn’t excuse Cas’ bonehead decisions in Season 6. He made those on his own. Both “the Winchesters were using Cas like a personal pan Angel” and “Castiel was being a fucking moron” can be true at the same time.

S8E05 -

“I don’t think it would work for me.” “You hear what he’s telling you, Dean? Your buddy is saying-.”

“Your buddy”. We’ve officially entered the stage where people finally start addressing Dean with the “your such and such” stuff.

“Listen to me you undead blood junkie, I’m the one with the mojo. I’m the one with the plan. Cas, we’re gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

Dean is so determined that the plan will work. And this is so damn true to character that I could kiss him (platonically, on the cheek) for being who he is. Because that’s why we love Dean Winchester—he keeps at it even when it seems damn impossible.

But, yeah, he’s totally missing the point—Cas is trying to say goodbye.

“My life changed when she entered it, Dean. Everything I had been or done up to that point just… seemed to vanish into what we had become together. I mean, we found it, man.”

Why is this such a parallel for Castiel and Dean? In this version, Castiel and Benny are in the same position—two beings who had entire lives before they met the one they loved.

And from that point on, everything was different.

Dean changed Cas. And as the Vampires came for Benny, the Angels came for Cas. It’s so damn obvious if you just sit and listen.

“The Angel knows it. We are never gonna make it with him next to us glowing like a beacon.” “Do I need to remind you of our deal? Of what you committed to?” “He is gonna get us killed.”

But just a moment later, Benny saves Cas from a Leviathan, and that secures Dean’s loyalty. Because, Benny knows that it would be easier for him and Dean to make it without Cas—but Dean’s not going anywhere without his Angel.

So, instead of letting the Leviathan magnet die, Benny saves him.

S8E06 -

“Well, I guess people change, don’t they?”

This is Dean talking about not killing Benny, and I think it’s important that Dean is on a journey of his own, here. It’s independent of Cas, and there’s nothing wrong with that. For so long, Dean was the one to “Kill first, talk later”.

He can’t be a static character, and I’m glad they explored this side of him, to be honest. I think he needed to see that he could be more than just what was expected of him.

But I think it’s important to remember that Dean is a creature of habit and that change isn’t as easy for him as it is for others. He’s slower to see the humanity in Benny, Meg, Crowley, Rowena, etc. He takes a while to catch up.

And it’s the same with his love for Cas. It’s going to take him longer to get there because it’s outside of what he expects of himself, of what he expects for his life, of who he thinks he’ll be.

For goodness sake, it isn’t until the Penultimate episode of the series, fresh off Castiel’s declaration of love that he sees himself as anything other than the killer he’s been “destined” to be. And Cas’ love did that.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself…

S8E07 -

MUSIC: “If it’s the last thing we ever do, we got to get out of this place. Girl, there’s a better life for you and me.”

I didn’t catch it the first time I watched the scene, but as I rewatched, I had to giggle a little at that music choice. And, yes, it was a choice.

This show is all about nostalgia when it comes to music because that’s a big part of Dean’s personality. Music takes him back to times when things were simpler. Sometimes they remind him of his Mom.

Dean isn’t expecting to see Cas on the side of the road as this particular line plays, but somebody made that choice, and we get to read into it. Yay!

Is it about getting out of Purgatory, Dean and Cas? That seems like the obvious read on it, right? And the end of the song is literally “Believe me, baby. I know it. You know it, too.”

So, Dean’s listening to a love song about getting away with your baby at the exact moment Cas first tries to connect with him from wherever he is.

“I was about to say you look like you’ve seen a ghost, but you’d probably be stoked. You okay?” “Yeah, I’m cool.”

His tone is so… resigned. Like, he has to be okay, because there’s no way he actually saw Castiel? Right!?

Until… he sees him again outside the window. And let’s address how insane their connection is that Sam never sees Cas during this weird in-between period of Cas trying to get through. It’s only Dean.

Plus, we know poor Castiel is probably undergoing his lobotomy about, now. So, does this mean he’s trying to reach out during the process? That he’s trying to escape? That some part of him knows something is wrong and he needs to get to Dean?

Dean closes the laptop and goes to the window, looking out. It wakes Sam.

“I just saw something." “Uh, you saw what?” “Cas."

Ackles is killing me with how softly he delivers a single syllable, how wistful and wishful.

“Cas? Where?” “Right there. And, and and earlier on the road. I feel like I’m seeing him.” “That’s not possible. I mean, you said it yourself. You made it out and he didn’t.” “I tried so damn hard to get us out of there.”

Us. There’s an us here.

“I know you did.” “You know, I could have pulled him out, I just don’t understand why he didn’t try harder.” {Dean walks away, and even when his brother approaches him, Dean’s eye go to the window, not Sam} “Dean. You did everything you could.” “Yeah, but why do I feel like crap?” “Survivors guilt?” “Hm.”

I mean, there’s also a far less hetero explanation, Sam, but I get why you’re not going there, yet.

“If you let it, this is gonna keep messing with you. You’ve gotta walk past it.”

But Dean can’t. He’s stuck on this moment, on his failure, on his belief that he let Cas down.

“Dean, it’s a human portal. There’s no still proof that an angel can pass.” “Stow it, Cas. You’re coming. That’s final.” “I’m just saying {Cas puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder. It stops them both} if it doesn’t work. Thank you for everything.” “Save the hallmark. Okay? It’s gonna work. Nobody gets left behind.”

Or forgotten. I’m sorry, am I the only one who thought that because of Lilo & Stitch? Then, again, maybe I’m not the target demo for Supernatural at all and this is all a terrible, terrible mistake.

But the point here is that Cas is trying to prepare Dean for the ultimate failure because he’s afraid to tell Dean the truth. And even more afraid that Dean will get stuck in Purgatory trying to get him out.

“Hello, Dean.”

I started laughing so hard, which is so inappropriate. I mean, Cas just showed up in Dean’s reflection, over his shoulder as his little Angel. And all I can think about is Sam on the other side of this touching moment looking at nothing but Cas Ass.

Something’s seriously wrong with me.

But, once, again, as soon as Cas appears, he’s cropped out of the shots. This moment right here is for Dean and Cas.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to reach out, but for whatever reason I wasn’t at full power. So I couldn’t connect with you.” “That must have been why you kept seeing him. I mean, you think?” … “I’m dirty.” “Yeah, well, Purgatory will do that to you.”

Dean’s thrilled to have Castiel back, but alarm bells are going off in his head. He knows that there was only a human hatch outta Purgatory and Cas has zero memory of how he got here.

I don’t think he’s worried that Cas is something else—Demon, Shapeshifter, Leviathan—but he’s worried about Cas and what it means for all of them that he can’t remember how he got there.

Cas walks out of the bathroom, not only clean, but finally wearing his trademark Castiel costume fully for the first time since the first episodes of Season 7. He smiles as he presents himself, so damn proud.

And the audience gets to see Castiel settled as himself, again. He’s no longer grappling with the mental anguish he took on from Sam, but anyone who’s seen the series before knows the alarm bells going off in Dean’s head are warranted.

Ackles’ acting choice is baffling to me, though. I don’t mean it in a critical sense! I only mean to say that I have watched it over and over and there are so many interpretations that I’m struggling to land on one that resonates most with me.

It feels unsettled, to me, while others read it in a sexual manner. I can see it that way, but I’m going to go with Dean just being unsettled to see Cas shift so quickly from Purgatory putrid to squeaky-clean Angel.

They try to fall into a familiar rhythm, but even sitting in the car with Castiel behind him, Dean’s mind is on Purgatory.

"Cas, can I talk to you outside?” “What?” “Exactly. What? What the hell happened? Back there. Purgatory. I told you I would get you out. We were there. It’s like you just gave up. It’s like you didn’t believe we could do it.”

There are are so many times where Dean is disappointed when Cas doesn’t appear to trust him. It devastates him every time, and I don’t think Cas even realizes it, yet.

“You kept saying that you didn’t think it would work. Did you not trust me?”

I swear, I forgot he said that, here. But, I guess it goes to show I was on the right track. Score one for Rachel!

“Dean-" “I did everything I could to get you out. Everything!” {Cas’ eyes narrow… he’s looking} I did not leave you.”

His abandonment issues are flaring here. He doesn’t want to do to others what he felt was done to him. He feels like he’s always been abandoned. and he would never do that to Cas.

Because when he and Cas went into Purgatory, he’d forgiven Cas. Cas actually helped him save the day. Cas came through despite his fears and self-doubt.

Dean believed in him and he was going to protect him, damnit, because Cas was family. And Ackles is doing a phenomenal job here of weaving his anger with anguish, his frustration with heartbreak.

It’s such a complicated character—one who has a vision of who he is supposed to be so carved into him that it rivals the Enochian sigil on his ribs. And, yet, he is so much more layered than he often allows himself to be.

And Ackles has the job of conveying that to us since we can’t see inside of Dean’s head. He’s really doing a lovely job here. I stop and rewind that line quite a bit because someone in that editing booth was smart enough to hang onto the shot long enough to let Ackles emote the shit out of it long after his lips stop moving.

“So you think this was your fault?”

Dean doesn’t like when Cas sees him like that… sees through him. It makes it so much harder for him to deflect and hide his emotions.

Cas smites the demon, but he’s worn, and Dean notices immediately. He rushes to the Angel and grips his shoulder.

“What the hell is going on? You’re not all the way back, are you?”

Dean is so much more aware of Castiel this season. Damn, I like this.

“It’s not working.” “Dean, I’m going in.” “Cas, no. You’re not strong enough.”

Dean is concerned. This is such a shift from last season where Dean was pushing, pushing, pushing at Cas to get him to do something despite him not being fully himself.

He just got Cas back, and he’s trying to protect him. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s that he can’t lose him, again, so suddenly.

But Cas goes in, anyway. And after he destroys the tablet, the door opens to reveal Dean. He rushes immediately to his Angel, gripping his shoulder to help him sit up. They hold each other’s gazes just long enough for Dean to confirm he’s okay.

“That was a bonehead move back there. You could have gotten yourself killed. Why didn’t you wait for me?” “Well, I didn’t get killed and it worked.” “And if it didn’t?” “It would have been my problem.”

Last season, Dean was telling Cas to clean up his mess. Well, Cas internalized that, it seems.

Also, Season 8 moves to them really speaking to one another more like equals. In Season 4 and even 5, Cas does a lot of talking down to Dean. Season 6 and 7, Dean does a lot of talking down to Cas.

In Season 8, there’s this evening of the plane between them that really shines in their few episodes together at the front half of the season.

“Well, that’s not the way I see it.” “Hey, everything isn’t your responsibility. Getting me out of purgatory wasn’t your responsibility.”

This is kinda sad, to see that Cas thinks of himself as a responsibility or obligation. But, it’s not entirely wrong for him to see that, especially considering how Dean talked about Sam during his wild, brothel-filled night out with Cas.

Dean does often feel like he’s responsible for everything. That’s why he hunts. He thinks he doesn’t deserve a quiet life as long as there are terrible things out there that will ruin the quiet lives of others.

“You didn’t get out. So, whose fault was it?” “It’s not about fault. It’s about will. Dean, do you really not remember?” “I lived it, Cas. Okay, I know what happened.” “No. You think you know. You remembered it the way you needed to.”

Every now and then we get a reminder that Castiel is a freaking Angel and he can see inside of Dean. He realizes that Dean’s memory is faulty, that he has false guilt, and he wants to lift it from him.

“Look, I don’t need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? For failing you like I’ve failed every other godforsaken thing that I care about!"

And there it is. He cares about Cas. He feels like he failed Cas. And he hates to let down the ones he loves.

“I don’t need it.” “Dean, just look at it. Really look at it. {He shows Dean} See, it wasn’t that I was weak. I was stronger than you. I pulled away. Nothing you could have done would have saved me because I didn’t want to be saved.”

“I pulled away” is just insane, here. But, also, “I didn’t want to be saved”. What was it that Chuck said at the end of Season 5? That Dean didn’t want Cas to save him?

These two are so alike, and they just don’t see it. Always punishing themselves more than anyone else will ever punish them.

“What the hell are you talking about?” “It’s where I belonged. I needed to do penance after the things I did on earth and in heaven, I didn’t deserve to be out and I saw that clearly while I was there. I, I planned to stay all along. I just didn’t know how to tell you. You can’t save everyone, my friend. Though you try.”

There are tears in Dean’s eyes, and his lip starts to quiver. He’s upset. He’s heartbroken in a different way. He realizes how Cas punished himself.

Dean forgave him and wanted Cas to come with him, but Cas couldn’t forgive himself. That’s something else they share, now.

Everything Dean did in Hell… everything Cas did on Earth and in Heaven… they both have shame that digs so deep into who they are that they don’t think they deserve to be saved.

From “You can’t save everyone” to “You don’t think you deserve to be saved”.

They share this in a profound and horrible way that few other beings could. It’s another thread of connection between them that, oh, both would give anything for the other not to know such pain.

Dean clams up as soon as Sammy appears. All the vulnerability he was showing with Cas… it’s gone. And it’s not that Dean can’t be vulnerable with his brother, but that’s different. What he has with Cas is different from what he has with his brother.

Much as Dean tries to smash Cas into a “brother” box because it’s what he knows, we are to a point where their relationship is something else, and Dean doesn’t yet realize it.

“Just, uh, setting a few things straight.”

Because we’re not. What, that’s not what he said?

Dean looks to Cas and he’s still in that moment. He’s still there… he hasn’t released, yet, from what he just realized and saw.

“Yes, I’m with you. If that’s alright.”

Cas takes this right to Dean. He knows that Dean gets final say when it comes to him, and he knows that he just dropped a bombshell on his friend. So, he’s willing to do whatever Dean wants, here.

“It is, right? You two are good?” “Yeah.”

But Dean is pensive, still lost, still worried about Cas.

Look, we already know Heaven and Hell know about Destiel. Now Purgatory does, too, and I’m fairly certain Sammy here is in the know. I think the very last person to know is Dean, but that’s a story for much later in this Meta.

Also, this concludes Dean’s Season 8 Widower Arc. It gets worse every time he loses Cas, but this time is a tough one because he thinks he failed Cas.

He thinks he let him down. He thinks he left Cas in Purgatory despite all his best efforts. But the truth sets him free, to an extent.

S8E08 -

“What’s the word, Cas?” “It’s a shortened version of my name.”

Dean wags his head in the usual “Autistic Cas” moment way, and not the “Cas lost his marbles” way. It’s refreshing. It feels like we’re back.

“I mean what the word on the word. Any, uh, tablet chatter on Angel radio?” “Oh, I couldn’t say. I turned that off.” … “Why’d you flip the switch?” “Because it’s a direct link to Heaven, and I don’t want anything to do with that place. Not anymore.”

This is so heartbreaking. Cas is running from Heaven and staking his claim with the Winchesters. He wants to stay with them.

I mean, he literally said in Season 6 there were times he’d rather be on Earth with them rather than in Heaven. His allegiances and alliances have shifted so significantly.

“Wait, Cas. Cas. If you wanna play cowboys and bloodsuckers, that’s fine, but you’re gonna stick with us, okay? None of this zapping around crap. Capiche?” “Yeah, I capiche.”

Look, it’s another arc for Castiel, right? Later, we’ll see him hunt quite well on his own. But, he can’t start off an expert, especially with his learning curve with all things human.

At the hotel, the boys are working while Cas researches in his own way—watching cartoons. And, Castiel is sitting on a bed, again.

At this point, it just feels like an unnecessary middle finger, but it makes me laugh every time. Cas is gonna sit on the bed, damnit!

“I understand. The bird represents God and coyote is man endlessly chasing the divine yet never able to catch up to him. It’s hilarious.”

He plays it off, but we know he’s saying that because from Dean’s look, he’s not getting the message they’d hoped. Cas starts going through Dean’s bag, again, just looking at the various things.

And Dean never calls him on it. He never does. He just ignores it as the Angel explores and learns.

“Cas, you gonna book a room or what?” “No, I’ll stay here.” “Oh, okay, yeah. We’ll have a slumber party and braid Sam’s hair. Where are you gonna sleep?” “I don’t sleep.” “Okay, well I need my four hours so” “I’ll watch over you.” “That’s not gonna happen.”

Dean, you know that Castiel doesn’t sleep. You’re literally the one who mentioned it when he was Emmanuel, and when Cas was briefly human in Season 5 and you saw him sleeping, you and Sam discussed how Angels don’t sleep.

So, either this slipped past the writers or Dean conveniently forgot.

“Hey, can you lift this?”

Cas nearly rolls his eyes as he does, and Dean’s a little impressed, here, if he’s honest. Like, “My Angel is fit!” Am I right?

“Your father. Beautiful handwriting."

He is literally reading John Winchester’s journal. And Dean doesn’t seem surprised or whatever. He doesn’t seem to worry about boundaries with the Angel much, anymore, which is fascinating. There’s such a level of trust there.

Also, sitting on beds continues.

“How are you feeling Cas?” “I’m fine.” “Well, I just, I, I know that when I got puked out of purgatory it took me a few weeks to find my sea legs.”

Partly because you were mourning Cas, you big lug.

“I’m fine.” “Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy you’re back. I’m freaking thrilled. It’s just this whole mysterious resurrection thing. It always has one mother of a downside.”

Dean’s truly trying to watch out for Cas, here, for all of them. He knows that Cas is off because he knows Castiel well enough, now, to know what to look for. He honestly wants to help Cas while protecting them all from whatever other shoe might be about to drop.

{Cas closes the book and looks at him} “So, what do you want me to do?” “Maybe take a trip upstairs.” “To heaven?” “Yeah. Poke around. See if the God squad can’t tell us how you got out.” “No.” “Look man I hate those flying ass monkeys as much as you do but-” “Dean, I said no!”

It’s a rare moment of Castiel losing his cool in the midst of an otherwise non-confrontational conversation with Dean. And it’s definitely off.

So, Dean does the most human thing he can. He closes his laptop, walks away from work, and sits on the bed across from Cas, giving him his full attention.

This is such growth for Dean, here. He is investing in Cas. Not because of what Cas can do for him or help him with, but because he cares about Cas. We’ve crossed into a new state of being for them as a unit—one with mutual respect.

It was a long time coming, and it’s probably why some of their Season 8 scenes are among my favorite Destiel scenes ever, this one included.

“Talk to me.” “Dean, I-”

Cas sets down the journal, squares up with Dean so they’re facing one another, and finally looks him in the eye.

“When I was bad and I had all those things the leviathans writhing inside of me, I caused a lot of suffering on Earth, but I devastated heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind and I, I can’t go back.” “Cause if you do the angels will kill you.” “Because if I see what heaven’s become, what I… what I made of it, I’m afraid I might kill myself.”

For Cas to admit something like this is huge. He’s a being that’s been around since almost the beginning of time, but in addition to wanting to leave himself in a dimension where he was constantly hunted, he now is struggling with suicidal thoughts.

The impact of Cas’ words hit Dean just as Sam walks in. Dean tries to stay focused on Cas, but Cas is eager for the out and he gets up, breaking the moment.

“You go Invisible Girl and keep an eye on him, you hear me?”

This is fascinating to me, because Dean is essentially telling Cas to spy, the very thing he did that got him in trouble back in Season 6 and gave him away when he was working with Crowley.

It’s no longer touchy or concerning to Dean. It’s a skill Cas has that they are going to use… and rarely use, again.

“Cas, you get to ride shotgun. You done good.”

And, gosh, Cas wants that. He wants to be with Dean and Sam and keep going. But Naomi holds him back.

S8E10 -

“Damn it, Cas. How many times I gotta tell you, it’s just creepy.” "Dean, I need your help. The angel Samandriel, he’s been taken." … “So, who snatched Heaven’s most adorable angel?”

Are you trying to make Cas jealous, Dean? Also, I think it’s funny how Dean can never sleep through Cas watching him. Honestly, Cas wants Dean to wake so they can talk.

“Yes, which is why I need your help. It seems this is gonna involve, talking to people.” “Come on, Cas, I thought you were a hunter, now.” “Well, I thought so, too, but, it seems I lack a certain-“ “Skill? {slams porn shut} You saw nothing.”

Why the sudden embarrassment, Dean? Two seasons ago, Cas was watching porn in the hotel room and you were annoyed with him, but not embarrassed by it. I mean, you were the one to comment on his boner!

Cas politely looks away as Dean reopens the laptop. He quickly exits out of the porn and get to work.

But I find the shift in sex from a go-to joke or moment of levity to taboo between them fascinating.

Yes, I know I’m over-using that word. But I’m writing this Meta in between a bunch of real world ridiculousness, so I’m not gonna be too hard on me for ignoring the Thesaurus.

“All right. What am I looking for?”

PAUSE: This is huge. I mean, all of Season 6 Cas tried to tell them he was at war and they treated him like shit. Now, Cas comes with a need and Dean wants to help. That is growth.

“Hey, what do you say this doesn’t pan out we head back to that beer-and-bacon Happy Hour about a mile back, huh?”

Aww. Cas doesn’t eat, but Dean wants to, like, hang out and eat with him. That’s more growth!

“And I need both of you, as you say, to stow your crap. Can you do that?”

Forceful Cas is back! I love forceful Cas! Because sometimes he gets so puppy-eyed in later seasons that we forget he’s a badass warrior Angel.

“After killing so many, I need to save at least this one.”

He looks to Dean. Dean gets it, now, Cas’ mindset. And he was the one to meet Samandriel and know they were friends.

“Cas, go.”

Okay, mad creative use of the Angel Swoop, here. Instead of the camera swooping to reveal Cas, it swoops out with Dean’s outstretched hand to reveal the angels are gone. That’s some mighty neat directing, there!

Naomi orders Cas to kill Samandriel, his friend, and he does it almost without question. There’s no real hesitation. He echoes what Naomi tells him to say, but Dean and Sam both know something’s really wrong.

Also, him taking the body up to Heaven after saying he wanted nothing to do with Heaven a few episodes ago is wild. So, yeah, the Winchesters are right to wonder what the fuck is up with their friend.

It will be seven episodes before we see Cas, again. Seven episodes apart from him. Guest actor work is wild.

S8E13 -

“Anything from Cas?” “No, not, not a peep. Why, you?” “No, He’s, uh, he’s not answering.”

Dean’s the one to bring him up. After a year of chasing him down in Purgatory only to lose him at the last minute, he’s eager to keep an eye on the guy.

S8E14 -

“I’ll tell you what I do know. It’s that I’m gonna die with a gun in my hand. Cause that’s what I have waiting for me. That’s all I have waiting for me."

Ehh… you’ll have friends. Family. And an Angel waiting for you, my boy. But, that’s a while off, yet.

“I want you to get out. I want you to have a life, become a man of letters, whatever. You with a wife, and kids, and, and grandkids. Living til you’re fat and bald and chugging viagra. That’s my perfect ending and it’s the only one that I’m gonna get. So I’m gonna do these trials. I’m gonna do them alone, end of story. You’re staying here. I’m going out there.”

He doesn’t know how right he is about that future. I know including this isn’t very “Destiel” of me, but I think it’s important to see where Dean is mentally apart from Cas.

“I believe in you, Dean, so please, please, believe in me, too.”

Belief is powerful, and that’s something that this show really addresses over and over. It’s not about faith in any specific thing. It’s about faith in something and someone. And Dean’s faith is shakier than anyone’s in anything.

It’s just good to remember that every so often.

S8E16 -

“So, no word from Cas. Kevin’s taking his sweet little time. And you’re acting cagey.”

Again, Dean’s the one to bring up Cas. He’s thinking a lot about his Angel.

“Cas, you got your ears on? Listen, you know I am not one for praying. Cause in my books it’s, it’s the same as begging. But this is about Sam so I need you to hear me. We are going into this deal blind, and I don’t know what’s ahead. Or what it’s gonna bring for sam. Now he’s covering pretty good but I know that he is hurting and this one was supposed to be on me. So for all that we’ve been through, I’m asking you… you keep a lookout for my little brother, okay? {Looks for him} Where the hell are you, man?”

This is the most earnestly we’ve seen Dean pray to Cas. It’s heartbreakingly beautiful, but layered with trust and truth. He’s worried about his brother and he’s asking Castiel to be the one to take care of him, to watch out for him.

This is Dean’s mission in life—protect Sammy. And he’s asking Cas to join him in. I mean, that’s huge. Some people bring a new adult into their kid’s life, and I know that’s a big move of trust. I’ve lived it as that kid.

Dean is demonstrating that trust he still has in Cas despite his shady behavior this season. He believes Cas will do this for him… if only he’ll answer.

S8E17-

This opener is so fucking creepy and I love it. Castiel being conditioned to kill Dean Winchester. And it doesn’t take a handful or a dozen of dummies for Naomi to be satisfied with Castiel’s brainwashing.

No, as we pull out we see hundreds and hundreds of Dean Winchesters slain by Castiel’s hand. Over and over she taught him to murder him, to end him, to destroy him.

The path to Hell might be lined with good intentions, but the floors of Heaven are lined with dead bodies. Gee wiz!

“How about you answer some questions, first, like where the hell have you been?” “You heard me, didn’t you.” “You prayed to him? “Yes, I heard you.”

This hurts. Because prayer is a sign of faith, and to know that Cas heard him and didn't answer hurts like hell. And Dean should know!

“Well, he puts the ’ass’ in ’Cas’, huh?”

No. Dean. Because Castiel has one S in his name, but we’ll let it slide because that Angel’s in love with you enough not to correct you.

“He’s definitely off." “Off? He hasn’t been right since he got back from Purgatory and we will don’t know how he got out of there.” “I don’t know, Dean, if he’s so sketchy then why were you praying to him?” “You know I can hear you both. I am a celestial being.”

This is one thing that really makes me laugh, sometimes. I mean, there are times I think the show forgets Cas is a celestial being, too, but these two really underestimate him and his powers.

But, Dean is so right to be suspicious and worried. It just goes to show how much better he knows Cas, now. He can tell when Cas is himself and when something else is going on.

“You really think we can trust Meg-stiel.”

Also, don’t think I haven’t missed the hilarity of Ackles being the one chosen to deliver this line. The popularity of combining the names of characters to form ship names originated with Soap Operas, and our dear Texas prince, here, was quite the Soap star back in the day. So, that gave me an extra giggle.

“You haven’t been fine since the first trial. That’s why I called Cas.” … “Dean, I’m telling you, I’m okay.” “No, you’re not. Sam… you’re damaged in ways even I can’t heal. Dean’s right. You should stay here and protect Meg.”

And I’m one of those who thinks Cas did have a genuine connection with Meg. Now, we all know he’s doing this mostly because Naomi wants to keep Cas close to the tablet, no matter what. But I don’t mind Meg-stiel.

It’s not my Ship, but it’s a good ship. And the brief stint of Meg and Dean sharing Cas will forever make me smile.

“I can’t let you take that, Dean.” “Can’t? Or won’t?” “Both.” “How did you get out of Purgatory, Cas?”

Dean sees an opportunity, and he’s leaping for it. He’s going to use the leverage he thinks he has to get answers, damnit.

BACK IN HEAVEN: There has to be another way., You have done this a thousand times, Castiel. You’re ready. Kill him. Then take the tablet and bring it home where it belongs.

"Just tell me how you got out of purgatory. Be honest with me. For the first time since you’ve been back, and this is yours. ... Cas. Cas, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but if you’re I there and you can hear me, you don’t have to do this. Cas!"

BACK IN HEAVEN: This isn’t right. … I won’t hurt Dean., Yes, you will. You are.

“Cas, fight this. This is not you. Fight it!”

This strikes me so hard. Dean is fully aware that this is not Cas, that Cas would never do this. Yes, Cas beat the shit out of him in Season 6, but there was a reason behind that that Dean understood.

This blind abuse without emotion? That’s not Cas.

Cas feels. He has too much heart. This is passionless, emotionless, and very much like a Terminator executing a kill order.

And Dean believes Cas can fight this. That’s what strikes me about Season 8—Dean has such faith in Cas.

BACK IN HEAVEN: {Cas is holding his head. This is killing him.} “What have you done to me?” “Just relax, Castiel, let your vessel do what you know deep down is the right thing.”

This strikes me, taking me back to Dean whipping Cas around in that Burger & Beer room back in Season 4, saying that the angel knew the difference between right and wrong.

Naomi has no idea how deep Dean is in Castiel’s veins, in his mind, in the Angelic equivalent of a heart. His protests begin to bleed out, the connection wearing thinner as he starts to speak aloud on Earth.

“What have you done to me, Naomi?” “Who’s Naomi?”

Dean was right. Something is wrong, and he can see Cas fighting it. He’s doing it. He’s trying to fucking fight, which is what Dean always asks Cas to do.

BACK IN HEAVEN: “What have I done to you? Do you have any idea what it’s like out there. There’s blood everywhere and it’s on your hands. After everything you did to us, to heaven, I fixed you, Castiel. I fixed you.”

Season 7 Castiel lamented that he couldn’t “fix” things. Season 6 Castiel “fixed” what he could by saving Lisa. Season 8 Castiel was “fixed” by Naomi. It comes back around and around, again, but so much is still broken.

“You want it? Take it. But you’re gonna have to kill me first. Come on, you coward. Do it. Do it!”

This harkens back to the fight in Season 5 when Dean was bloodied on the ground in the alley. He told Castiel to finish it off, and that is when Castiel stopped before. He stopped before when Dean goaded him, encouraged him, egged him on.

Will it be enough this time?

BACK IN HEAVEN: “Please." “End this Castiel.”

He pleads for mercy. He begs.

On Earth, Dean reaches for Cas free hand, grabbing his arm. Castiel doesn’t shrug it off. He’s in a trance, but you can tell he’s still aware of Dean. Dean knows it, too.

So Dean tries what he can to break through.

“Cas, this isn’t you. This isn’t you. Cas. Cas.”

Cas raises his weapon to deliver a final blow, but he pauses. He stalls. His arm hovers in the air, somewhere between the connection.

“I know you’re in there. I know you can hear me. Cas. It’s me. We’re family. We need you. I need you.”

The last time he said this was in Purgatory, and oh how it nearly destroyed Cas then. Because Cas knows by now that he needs Dean. But here, it’s somehow even more personal.

Because Dean starts with the bigger picture and brings it smaller. He starts with “we”—me and Sammy. But then, it becomes more intimate.

It’s about you and me, Cas. It’s about us. I need you.

BACK IN HEAVEN: “You have to choose, Castiel. Us or them.”

That’s all it takes for Cas to know his choice. Despite the connection still being open, the weapon tumbles from his hand. He releases Dean, and the wounded human falls back as Cas reaches for the tablet.

The second he connects with the tablet, something Angelic happens, and the thinning connection snaps.

Because the tightly braided cord between him and Dean is strong and resilient. When asked to choose between the two, there wasn’t a chance in Hell he was choosing Heaven.

Dean’s love for Cas broke through. Now, is it romantic love at this point? I don’t know that I’d call it that, personally. But it is love.

Cas realizes what he’s done to Dean, and rather than wave a hand over his face or touch a finger to his forehead, Cas reaches out with his open hand to cup Dean’s face. It’s intimate. It’s personal. It’s purposeful.

There’s healing in the touch, of course, but there’s also love. And for Cas… yes, yes I think he’s at least beginning to realize the depths of his love for Dean Winchester.

Dean’s fear before the healing sets in is palpable, his voice breaking as he repeats Cas’ name. He grips Cas’ sleeve in anticipation of the pain, then his fingers falter as the restoration settles over him, instead.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” “What the hell just happened?”

Yeah, yeah. You’re about to get an earful, my friend.

“So this Naomi has been controlling you since she got you out of Purgatory.” “Yeah.” “Well, what broke the connection?”

The tablet finished the job, but the connection was already breaking. Because of love. Dean Winchester’s love for Cas broke through. Again, I don’t think it’s romantic on his end, yet, but for Castiel, that shift has been in motion for a while.

So, when Dean speaks honestly for love, it connected with the love in Cas for him. It was strong enough to send the weapon tumbling from his hands, to allow our Cas to break through enough to quirk an eyebrow of curiosity as he reached for the tablet.

The subtlety in that little bit of performing is phenomenal because I had to really look to be sure I wasn't imaging it. The tablet set him free, yes, but I fully believe it was only because the link to Naomi was already fraying and failing because of Dean.

“So, what happened? I mean, Cas touched the tablet and it reset to him his factory settings or something?” “I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is that he is off the reservation with a, a heavenly WMD. Listen, man, I can’t take anymore lies from anyone.”

Oh, Dean. He wasn’t trying to lie this time. He was literally lobotomized and he told you so.

Maybe you’ll give him a little more grace on this one because, y’know, he was programmed to fucking kill you and your love for him broke through enough to stop him.

On another note: "Goodbye Stranger" is such a fucking banger. Yes, I know it came out before I was born (1984), but my mother hated the music of the 80’s and 90’s so I grew up on 50’s-70’s music.

Like, I was sitting here singing along at the end. I'm so ridiculous—a walking musical jukebox of a human.

S8E18 -

“I’m fine. Are you okay?” “Me?” “Yeah, Cas dinged you up pretty good.” “And? “And I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” “What, like my feelings?” “If that’s what you want to talk about, sure.”

Sam meant his feelings the whole time. Dean’s had the shit beat out of him by Cas before, but this is different. Dean knew something was off about Cas, and he was right.

In the end, Cas took off. And, no, Dean doesn’t understand everything that Cas has been through. But, to be fair, Cas hasn’t exactly clued Dean in on much beyond that brief conversation.

Cas and Dean fight and it fucks with Dean, and Sam knows that. He's trying to give his brother space to talk it out and feel what he’s feeling, but Dean’s so damn repressed he deflects to some bullshit and Sam understandably gives up.

S8E19 -

“See, I don’t trust angels, which means I don’t trust you.” “And yet you haven’t warded this place against us.”

Damn. HBIC out here spitting truth.

But I completely understand how Dean has one Angel—one—that he trusts. Even despite all this bullshit right now, he is still trusting in Cas enough to leave the door open to him.

I only wish Cas knew that. Yes, Castiel is doing what he can to protect the tablet. But, he's gotta learn at some point that it’s better when he works with the Winchester boys.

Yes, I know this is a huge character flaw of both Dean and Cas. They both think they know what's best, go off half-cocked and do make some asinine deal or decision, then spend half a season mad the other one was the one to fuck up this time and not them.

"I know. You’re hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty. I only wish he felt the same way.”

You fucker. Look at the pain on Dean’s face. He doesn’t want Cas to let him down. He wants Cas to come back and explain himself and let them help.

“I know you don’t want to believe it, Dean, but we’re on the same side, shutting the gates of hell, bringing Castiel in from the cold. Take a moment. Think about what I’ve said.”

And here she is planting the seeds of her own destruction.

Everything she has done to Cas has been wrong, so it’s no wonder he’s later duped by Metatron into trying once again to “fix” things.

Again, consistent character flaw. But, it's so refreshing when Cas at last steps away from Heaven and lets them fuck things up on their own without him, for a change.

S8E20 -

“What about, uh, Castiel? He seems helpful and dreamy.”

We know Cas isn’t Charlie’s type, but she still calls him “dreamy”, so whose type is he? Yes, we all know it’s Dean.

And, side note, autocorrect tried to change the above to “whose top is he” and I very nearly left it in.

Just so you know, Autocorrect knows what's up with Destiel and it ain’t platonic or brotherly!

S8E21 -

I’m innocently watching the screen and a name flashes up. Directed by Robert Duncan McNeil!?! One of my favorite television directors of all time!?

No, I am not kidding. He has a certain style to his directing that allows the camera to become a character in this really beautiful way.

I caught a Chuck episode years back and told Matt it felt like it was directed by Robert Duncan McNeil. Looked it up later to find out I was right.

Anyway, I absolutely adore Castiel’s intelligence and how he evades the Angels. One of the things we forget about Cas too often is that he is incredibly intelligent.

It’s something the Winchesters don’t really appreciate because it rarely helps them. But in this scenario, Castiel’s intellect is helping him evade the evil. At least, until they figure out what will make him stop—that big damn heart of his.

“How many times have you torn into my head and washed it clean?” “Frankly, too damn many. You’re the famous spanner in the works. Honestly, I think you came off the line with a crack in your chassis. You have never done what you were told, not completely. You don’t even die right, do you?”

Our Angel is the only one like him. No wonder he fell in love with one of Chuck’s favorite human siblings. Dean and Sam do things differently, which is why Chuck has so much fun with them.

And he has to keep bringing back the Angel because he thinks it’ll help keep Dean on the path he’s writing for him. But I like knowing Cas is our Cas just as Dean is our Dean.

In all the Universes, none are like them. And they found each other.

“In the words of a… good friend, Bite me.”

Holy shit this whole thing is a mood. I mean, the pause is killing me. The eyebrow raise is killing me. The emphasis on “good friend” is killing me.

Collins, you know I’d like to live, right!? Because, you are killing me, here.

I mean, the most famous gay eyebrow raises may be Michael Sheen as Aziraphale in Series 2 of Good Omens, but this might be second in line because gee wiz that was insane!

Also, Cas hid the thing inside himself!? Yo, I’m having a real Fifth Element moment, here.

Then, Castiel literally pulls a bullet from his stomach and uses it to kill a fellow Angel.

There are times we forget how badass Cas can be. Yes, he’s good for a side-eye with his lack of Pop Culture knowledge, but he’s also a warrior Angel who’s intelligent and cunning and resourceful.

Later, Dean’s driving. And he knows before he stops who he’s spied in the road.

S8E22 -

In the bunker, Cas tries to be conversational, but Dean is pissed. He’s more pissed than he was during the whole Godstiel thing.

Because as Dean’s feelings deepen, so does the impact of Cas letting him down.

“Dean, I can go with you. Dean, I’m sorry.”

Dean finally looks to Cas.

“For what?” “For everything.” “Everything. Like, uh, like ignoring us?” “Yes.” “Or like bolting off with the angel tablet and losing it ’cause you didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust me., Yes., Yeah. Nah that’s not gonna cut it. Not this time. So you can take your little apology and you can cram it up your ass.”

Oh, yeah, Dean is real mad. But he is also hurt. I mean, look at his face. His words are mean and tough, but he’s got tears in his eyes and there’s so much pain there.

After everything they have been through. After how hard he fought to save Cas in Purgatory. After all of that, Cas didn’t trust him. Damn.

“Dean, I thought I was doing the right thing.” “Yeah, you always do.”

The dramatic push-ins on this very personal conversation are interrupted by Sam clearing his throat. And, seriously, it feels like he’s in the middle of a couple’s spat and wants out.

“Dude, go easy on Cas, okay, he’s one of the good guys.” “Dude, if anybody else, I mean anybody pulled that kind of crap I would stab them in their neck on principle. Why should I give him a free pass?” “Because it’s Cas.”

First off, those are a lot of “Dudes” in one exchange. But, also, we’re still in a phase where Sam is more attached to friends, in general, than Dean, so he’s the one going to bat for Cas, here.

Meanwhile, Cas goes shopping for Dean because he wants to do something for him. He can’t fix it, so he’s going to try to do something in its stead.

Gosh, this is reminding me of my husband, again. I’m Dean—and it should probably terrify me that I have so much in common with the traumatized, abused, anger-management-issues-on-steroids guy, but here we are—and Matthew is Cas. He’ll always try to do something for me when he can’t fix whatever is wrong in my life.

S8E23 -

“Dean, I need your help.” “I’m a little busy, Cas. Take a number.” “I’m afraid this can’t wait. Naomi has taken Metatron.” “And you know Metatron how?” “I’ve been working with him on the Angel Trials.”

Okay, here’s the thing. Mad as Dean has been at Cas, Castiel levels with him here and brings him up to speed.

“I can’t fail, Dean, not on this one. I need your help.” “Look, Cas, that’s all well and good, but you’re asking me to leave Sam… Now if anyone needs a chaperone while doing the heavy lifting, it’s Sam.”

And that’s all you need to know. Sammy will always come first for Dean. But, at the same time, he doesn’t seem as angry now that Dean has laid it all out.

Before, he was angry at Cas for not coming to him, for not trusting him. Welp, you got what you asked for, Dean. He’s here, and he’s asking for your help.

“You really think it’s wise to be drinking on the job?”

I love how Dean wordlessly passes the beer to Cas. There’s a lot less tension here than earlier. I think Cas finally coming to Dean and asking for help got through.

“What show have you been watching? Talk to me.”

I love this coming back. He’s reaching for Cas and waiting for Cas to reach back. It’s tugging at the cord between them to get a response, and even if neither realizes it, it strengthens the bond each time the other demonstrates trust.

"Are you sure about this? I mean, it’s one thing me and Sammy slamming the gates to the pit, but you, you’re boarding up heaven. And you’re locking the door behind you.” “Yeah, I know.”

Cas sips the beer. It’s the motion that is so human, because we know the alcohol itself will have little impact on him, and probably doesn’t even taste the same to him as a human.

But, they’re falling into a rhythm that will later become quite familiar. It’s refreshing after the stress of most of the season.

And, to be clear, I’m not against conflict and antagonism and miscommunications. A show would be dead without it. Nothing would ever happen and we’d all just be watching sheep graze for hours on end.

But I think a lot of shows lose sight of the importance of taking a breath every now and again. Yes, we’re fighting for something and it’s brutal and it’s exhausting and it’s stressful.

But you have to stop to breathe every so often to remind us why we’re fighting and what we’re fighting for.

We’re fighting for those kids on the swing sets that Dean and Cas watched together at the park in Season 4. We’re fighting for families and friends. We’re fighting for nights out drinking with the besties and movie nights cuddling with your special someone.

That is what we’re fighting for.

“You did a lot of damage up there, man. You think they’re just gonna let that slide.” "Do you mean, do I think they’ll kill me? Yeah, they might.” “So, this is it. E.T. Goes home.”

It strikes me how different this is from their last “last night” together. They’re in a different place, now, and Dean’s done trying to get Cas laid. Instead, they’re sitting quietly together waiting for their next move.

Another thing that strikes me is how adoringly Dean looks to Cas on that last line, only to realize his reference is, once again, not understood. It’s a blink-and-you-miss-it thing that I very well may have hallucinated. But, it’s there.

Later, Naomi corners Cas and Dean. And if she hadn’t been such a fucking bitch all season, she might have gotten through to Cas. It strikes me how Cas goes to attack Naomi, and Dean grabs his arm.

We all know Cas is strong enough to shrug Dean’s hold off with ease. But, he lets Dean stop him. Because he does trust him.

But it’s not enough. Metatron wins in the end.

Survive all that and still want more? Part III for your enjoyment! Thanks for reading!!

[stardewrotsession]

Note: So I know the ten heart event is when they technically confess, but I wanted to make this anyways. I’m not sure if this would count as a headcanon or as one shots, I kinda combined them. I’m sure I made some longer than others. Let me know what you think!

How the Bachelors confess to you:

Sam

- Sam honestly wanted to confess to you for a long time now.

- The way you made him feel was nothing like anything else he's ever felt before.

- But, to him, your friendship was the most important thing to him than confessing. He thought he was much better off being friends with you than ruining whatever you two had.

- Honestly? He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if you two stopped talking because of him.

- So, he kept quiet for awhile.

- Well, as long as he could, anyways.

- You were hanging out with him near the river. Originally you just needed a specific type of fish, but after seeing Sam coming outside to you play his video game, you decided to talk with him.

- I think the moment he saw you, he put his game in his pocket and didn’t think to take it out for the rest of the night.

- He could’ve left it by the bushes and he wouldn’t have even noticed.

- All he really cared about was sitting by the river with you, talking and laughing about something he couldn’t even remember.

- But he was with you.

- And then he’d get a little too comfortable.

- “You know, it’s kinda weird how no one’s asked you out yet,” he commented while playing with the grass.

- “Me? No, I don’t think anyone here likes me, let alone like that,” you said dismissively while laughing.

- “You kidding?” Sam exclaimed. “Everyone loves you here. You’re a catch! Anyone would fall for you, I know I am. Don’t sell yourself short.”

- Oops. Guess it just slipped out.

- Of course he wouldn’t notice at first. When Sam talks, he just kinda… talks.

- “…What..?” You said, making sure you didn’t hear that wrong.

- “I said everyone loves you!” He repeated, oblivious. “Anyone would fall for you, I…”

- Oh. Oh.

- “Uh, well…”

- It was at this point that his face would turn bright red, embarrassed that he managed to say something so big, so serious, in such a casual way.

- Only you could really break his silence after that.

- “So… you’re falling for me?”

- He knows he can’t really lie himself out of this one.

- “Yeah… I guess I am… I have been for a while, actually.”

- Your silence was what caused him to panic.

- "I didn't mean to say that out loud, I swear," he tried to explain. "I mean, I wanted to, but I didn't think you'd feel the same w-"

- He didn't realize you were leaning in until your lips touched, causing him to immediately stop talking.

- When you pulled away, it took him a second to realize what just happened.

- But when he does, he has the biggest smile on his face you've ever seen.

- “So… does this mean you like me back?”

- Hey I like to think he’s just an oblivious boy, you gotta spell it out for him sometimes. But it’s one of his charms, trust.

- But I’m sure he knows how you feel at this point. He just wants to make sure he’s not imagining it.

- “I like you, Sam,” you confirm.

- It’s almost funny how giddy he gets.

- “You do?” He said, still processing everything.

- You nod in response, biting your lip to stop yourself from laughing. I would laugh, it’s just so cute and dorky.

- “Holy shit,” he breathed. “You like me!”

Sebastian

- Sebastian’s all over the place when he thinks of confessing to you.

- He’s not really the type of person to show his emotions and express them clearly.

- But you made him wanna try to… which terrified him even more.

- But one day, after you gave him a beautiful frozen tear (they said they got it from the mines, which he wasn’t even going to question anymore), he was determined to tell you how he felt.

- It was the least he could do after all.

- So one night, he decided to drive you up to the mountain side with his motorcycle.

- “Make sure to hold on tight,” he said quietly, before beginning to drive.

- I’d like to think the farmer would start getting anxious from the silence. Although Sebastian was never really one to start a conversation, to you it seemed like he was avoiding one all together.

- Meanwhile Sebastian’s just thinking to himself, wondering how exactly he would be able to approach the topic.

- He didn’t even think of the awkward ride back if you rejected him up until now.

- Once you two make it to the cliff side, you decide to confront him about it.

- “Are you doing okay? You seem more quiet than usual.”

- He nods his head. “I’m fine.”

- That doesn’t really reassure you.

- “You know you can tell me anything right?”

- He stayed silent again, worrying you even more.

- “I know.”

- You drop the subject for now and look out to see the city lights, reminding you of the busy, never ending days you used to have.

- “I'm really glad you wanted to come here with me," he said softly while admiring the view.

- "I wouldn't miss this sight for anything else."

- "Being with you makes everything worth it."

- "You think so?"

- Sebastian gives a small smile and nods while a blush begins to form on his face.

- "Sometimes I feel so angry at everything. But when you show up, I start to calm down..." he turns to you. "I think you bring the best out of me. So, thank you."

- "You don’t need to thank me for that Seb. I like spending time with you."

- “I’m glad.”

- Both of you continue to stare out at the city lights. Internally Sebastian is struggling how to express his feelings until he finally decided to just say it.

- “Do you ever think we could be more than friends?”

- You were taken aback from the random question.

- “Well,” You said. “I think it’d be nice to, if I’m being honest.”

- He looked over at you, surprised. His surprise soon turns into a small smile, a glimpse of what he was actually feeling.

- My guy felt like he was over the moon hearing you say that.

- “Do you… ever want to go out with me sometime?”

- Uh, duh.

- “Sounds like a date,” you answer while scooting closer to him.

- He’s grinning now, but don’t let that fool you. On the inside, he’s falling for you, badly.

- “It’s new,” he said, while slowly putting an arm around you. “Being like this. It’s new… to me.”

- “Don’t worry,” You say softly while leaning into his touch. “We’re doing this together.”

Alex

- Alex had never felt this way about anyone before.

- He might’ve had something for Haley, but it was nothing compared to how you made him feel whenever you were around.

- So yeah, he was feeling a bit nervous. But he was mostly feeling excited.

- I'd like to think Alex and the farmer would flirt around with each other pretty regularly. So because of this, I don't think he'd be as worried as the other bachelors about getting completely shut down.

- He decided to invite you to the beach early in the morning. Originally he wanted to play some gridball with you, but you two would start to mess around to the point where you'd just be tossing the ball around.

- He didn't mind, of course. He liked spending time with you, especially when you two were playing sports together.

- You two ended up going in the water, throwing the gridball back and forth.

- He definitely splashed you while you were busy getting the ball after it slipped out of your hand.

- “Woah, :<name>:, why are you giving me that look?” He said, slowly backing away as you started to smirk. “You don’t need to get any closer to me you know.”

- Man who cares what he says?

- You splash him back anyways.

- And thus started a water fight, you two splashing each other for hours and hours.

- At this point it was more than a fight. It was a full on war.

- By the time you two were done, it was almost sunset.

- But neither of you cared, you two were having fun!

- “We should do this again,” he said causally while drying his hair. “You know, like a date.”

- “A date?” You asked, making sure you were hearing him right.

- “Yeah,” Alex confirmed. “You know, we’d make a pretty good couple.”

- You kinda freeze at that, at first.

- Sure, you had a crush on him, but why would you show it?

- You ultimately decide to play along, saying teasingly, “Oh yeah? And what kind of couple things would we do?”

- He just smirks at you, leaving you to scoff.

- “What?” He laughed. “You’d make a hot partner.”

- You roll your eyes and laugh, but start to calm down when seeing Alex walk up to you.

- “You know that’s not actually what I’d do, right?” He asked.

- “I know,” you responded. “You’re just joking around.”

- “No,” he says, catching your attention. “I mean, I was joking around. But I do wanna take you out on a date sometime.”

- “Do you?” You say.

- “Yeah,” he replied. “What do you say?”

- “Hm…” you said, pretending to think about it. “Pick me up tomorrow at 6.”

- You wink at him, causing him to slightly blush.

- “Don’t keep me waiting.”

Shane

- Shane was nervous, really.

- Not about messing up per say, but about embarrassing you. Putting you in an uncomfortable situation in case you didn’t feel the same way.

- He could honestly care less about what he messes up. You’ve already seen him at his lowest, and yet you didn’t run away.

- You didn’t give up on him.

- That feeling of warmth, support, and help made him realize he it’s okay to get help.

- He wanted to help you too. He wanted to be there for you, comfort you when you cry, everything.

- So, he went to you.

- Flowers in hand, he walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on your door, anxiously awaiting for you to answer.

- In that moment, his mind started spiraling with second thoughts. “What if they don’t feel the same way? What if this goes horribly wrong, and they start avoiding me?”

- His legs are frozen in place, but his mind kept throwing second thoughts at him left and right.

- He turns around to see you walking back from the bus. You’re smiling at him curiously.

- “Whatcha got there?” You say while leering over to take a peek.

- “Don’t worry about it,” he says dismissively while hiding the flowers.

- You peer over to take a peak, causing him to roll his eyes and to give you the flowers.

- “Just picked them as I was coming here,” he muttered while handing them to you.

- You smile in response.

- “The Shane? Giving me flowers? What is it, my birthday?”

- “Mm, you wish.”

- He’s not that good at uh… positive, feelings.

- “Listen, I was thinking…” Shane started to say. “There’s a game later this weekend. I was wondering if you wanted to go with me.”

- “Me?” You say curiously. “I would’ve thought you were going to invite Marnie or Jas to come.”

- “Yeah well, they’re not really into that sort of thing,” he grumbled. “Plus… I wanted to kinda thank you. Treat you out or something.”

- “If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were taking me out on a date,” you tease.

- He’s blushing like crazy now.

- “If you want it to be…”

- You blink, taken back by his rather bold answer.

- “Shane, are you asking me out on a date?”

- “I mean… you’ve helped me through a lot. Even if you don’t feel the same way, I wanna try to take you out as a thank you.”

- You smile warmly at him.

- “It’s a date then.”

Elliot

- Okay I’ve been looking forward to this one cause I really didn’t like his ten heart scene. IMO though.

- Elliot really wanted the way he asked you out to be perfect.

- Like, movie perfect. When the two main characters finally confess their love for each other and kiss while the camera slowly pulls away, showing the beautiful setting they found themselves in.

- He’s a day dreamer alright.

- Of course he had the doubt of you not feeling the same way, but he had to do it.

- As he would say, “My heart cannot bear this any longer.”

- So, he decided to write you a letter in the mail.

- “Dear :<name>: Meet me by the pier at 5PM. I have a surprise waiting for you. I hope to see you soon.”

- When you arrived, you were pleasantly surprised to see him sitting down on a blanket, with two wine glasses in the middle and candles scattered across the pier. The old rowboat that was near his house was now on the water, a rope tying it to the pier.

- “What’s all this?” You ask curiously while looking at the candles.

- “I felt compelled to do this for you, as a thank you,” he explained. “Come, sit with me.”

- He clears his throat a little while you sit down next to him.

- “:<name>:, you’ve supported me and my career when no one else did. You were the one to give me that push to finish my novel. So, thank you.”

- “You are a great writer, Elliot,” you say in response. “I’d be a fool if I didn’t support you.”

- He blushes slightly while giving you a small smile.

- “I thank you, nevertheless.”

- He picks up the two glasses and pours a little bit of wine in each glass. He holds one out to you and you take it, smiling at him before taking a sip.

- The two of you take in the nice cool breeze from the ocean and enjoy the moment.

- “:<name>:?”

- You look over at him.

- “I have a confession to make.”

- “What is it Elliot?”

- His heart is pounding at this point.

- “This Valley didn’t feel like home to me when I first came here,” he tried to explain. “Now, it finally does… :<name>:, I’m not sure how put this into words, for once I’m at a loss…”

- You wait for him to finish.

- “I have deep feelings for you,” he said slowly. “Since the moment you walked into the saloon, I’ve had them for you. And I cannot express how happy I feel when I’m with you.”

- Swoon

- “Will you do me the honor of going out with me..?”

- Well? What are you waiting for??

[jenniferjareauwife]

Bottled Up

pairing: jennifer jareau x daughter reader

category: fluff, hurt/comfort

warnings: depression

word count: 706

age: 15

summary: your mom noticed somethings going on with you and wants to do everything she can to help

I had slept in past my alarm for 10 minutes. Well not really sleeping, just laying in bed and hoping that my mom had left for work so I could just skip school. "Y/n." I groaned to myself as I heard my mom's voice on the other side of my door.

"Come in." I told her quietly. She walked in, shutting the door behind her before turning off my alarm. She slid into bed next to me, putting her arm over my waist and holding me close to her. No matter how old I was, cuddles from my mom always helped and she knew that.

"I called your school, told them you were sick today." She laced her fingers with mine and gave my hand a squeeze.

"You did that?"

"Yeah. I could tell you needed a break." She stayed quiet, seeming like she wanted me to say something. "Y/n?"

"Hm?"

"Wanna come downstairs? We can have some ice cream."

"For breakfast?"

"Yeah." I stayed quiet for a few moments. "Come on hon. You've gotta get some food in your system."

"I'm not hungry."

"Honey...you've gotta eat something, ok?"

"Fine. But can it wait til later? I really like my bed." She laughed softly and nodded. "I promise I'll eat."

"Honey?"

"Hm?"

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." She propped herself up on her elbow and moved my hair away from my face. "I'm your mom, you may think I'm oblivious but I notice things." I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. "Look...you don't have to talk about it now if you don't want to but I'd prefer if you'd talk about it sooner rather than later. It's not good to keep it all bottled up."

"I just...I don't know how to explain it, you know?"

"Yeah I get it."

"I want to talk about it. I just don't know how to get the words out."

"Do you want me to call your therapist? I can schedule an appointment for you again if you feel like you need it." She kissed my temple while waiting for my response.

"Yeah I think...I think that'd be good."

"I'll call her later today, ok?" I nodded in response, turning around so I was face to face with her. "Oh honey..." She sighed when she saw a tear rolling down my cheek, wiping it away and leaving a kiss in its place.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"I feel so empty...all the time. It's just really overwhelming. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I don't want to do anything...everything's boring and I don't get joy from anything." The words came spilling out and I didn't know how to stop them. She was my mom, the best mom in the world, I knew she would understand and do whatever it takes to help me. "I just...I don't see the point in things anymore, you know? There's no reason for anything. We just exist because someone wanted to see us suffer." She laughed at that.

"I would not be surprised if that were the case."

"Why aren't you at work?"

"I knew you needed me."

"How'd you know?"

"My parental instincts."

"Your spidey sense?" She laughed loudly.

"Sure you can call it that." She tucked my hair behind my ear again before rubbing my back. "You know how important you are to me, right? How much I love you."

"Yeah."

"You're the most important person in my life hon. Don't you ever forget that, alright? You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I knew the voices in your head are probably telling you something else, I know after this you might want to shut me out even more but don't. I'm your mom and I love you more than life itself." I teared up at her words. "Aw don't cry baby." She wiped my tears and kissed my forehead.

"I'm-"

"No apologizing." I nodded. "Let's go downstairs, have some ice cream and binge watch Station 19, how does that sound?"

"That sounds really good mom. Thank you."

"Of course. Anything for my baby." She wrapped me in a bear hug, reminding me why everyone calls her mama bear. She gave me an over exaggerated kiss on the top of my head before dragging me out of bed. "I love you kiddo."

"I love you too mom."