#Dec22024

[suicide-in-october]

Dec 2 2024

The start of it all. Hopefully this entire page will be kept under wraps and separated from my personal identify, but anything can happen I guess. Would be cool to see if people respond to these posts and to give me their perspective. I will start off by explaining what this entire "project" is. I had just finished watching a Fuslie video where she talks to her future self on her birthday and just recaps the year and reflects on all that has happened and what she had hoped would have happened by the time she reacts to the video. I was inspired to take a similar approach, but I am lowkey camera shy, and I just want to ramble and type what I am thinking at the moment with little to no filter. I also want to make daily entries just so I can come back and recall what I had done a certain day. I feel like that would help with some of my memory and recollection abilities. This is such a weird day to start. Not the first of the year, month, or even on my birthday. I guess no start is going to be perfect, as long as it is started. This one will be one of the longer posts, until I hit the birthday post. Hopefully there are no word limits on Tumblr, I have not used this platform in AGES. I wonder how my old friends are that I had met through this site.

Let's start with a recap of this year, before my birthday. So this year has been really tough. The previous year I had gotten into a relationship with someone that I became super irresponsible over. I would lose money faster than I would make it just so I could see her. It was great at the time, until it wasn't. I had quit my job just so I had more time to see her, in hopes that I would get a different job within a few months maximum. This decision was the single WORST decision I have ever made in my life. I am still unemployed, and racked up immense amounts of debt that I can't even afford to pay off monthly. It is a very terrible feeling having to rely on your parents and friends just to survive and do basic things. The job market is terrible and every single job I had applied to for this entire year had never responded to me. Until last week, I got an offer for a site cleaning job that pays less than 50% of what I used to make. But I guess I'm at the point where anything is better than nothing. That was probably the major event of 2024 that is shaping me, or I hope will change me for the better. Because I sure as hell won't make this mistake again (hopefully).

I have been holed up in my room for the past few months because of the lack of funds, yet I realize I am digging a deeper hole in my pockets. Going to Florida on Thursday and that is going to set me back a few thousand dollars extra... But hopefully with the cleaning job I will be able to clear that up along with other expenses soon enough. Saturday was the first time I had gone out in a very long time, but all for the best reasons. Partied with a bunch of friends, haven't gotten drunk properly like that in a very long time, and also a proud little side note, I only had a maximum of maybe 5 bumps. Not bad considering my history.

All in all, I hope the next year fills me with some sort of fulfillment, purpose, and/or happiness. For the future me, I hope that you become someone that the present me can look up to instead of the usual belittlements. I want to be proud of myself one day.

Anyways. I rambled for a bit too long, I might add some things here and there for myself to read in the future, but as for the daily journaling portion, not too much is happening today. I woke up at around 3pm... Must've been because of Saturday. I then played a little bit of MapleStory and ate dinner with my family. Going over to J's house in a bit to have some sinigang that he made. After that I will continue to play a little bit more games and maybe head to bed early.