#Dear Santa I've been such a good girl all year

[houseofanticipation]

You wake because a shifting balance of weight on your bed has caused your mattress to shake. For a moment you think it must be Christmas morning—that'll be your little brother, jumping on your bed to wake you up—but your room is still dark, and the clock on your bedside table reads 12:00 exactly. You squint at the person sitting on your bed. Definitely too old to be your brother...maybe your dad? But no, this person's frame is too wide, too bulky. The figure leans forward, and it suddenly occurs to you to be afraid, but all he does is pull the chain on your bedside lamp.

The man in your room is Santa Claus.

It doesn't occur to you to think this is a man dressed as Santa. One of your classmates might; you know most people your age don't believe in him, and you've learned to hide your own belief, lest you embarrass yourself, but you've never stopped believing privately. You know this man is Santa Claus in the same way you've always known Santa Claus was real: it's a feeling in your heart, a knowledge that you are loved, no matter what. You get that same feeling from this man.

"Santa?"

"Little Susie Summers," he says, brushing a lock of hair away from your eyes. "It's so wonderful to finally see you in person. You know you're one of my favorites?"

Your eyes widen. "Really?"

He nods. "I mean it. You've kept me in your heart all these years, long after most children abandon me. I've so loved watching you grow into this beautiful, confident woman I see before me." His voice deep and warm and smooth, like hot chocolate. His eyes glitter behind half-moon glasses, and his enormous white mustache only accentuates his fatherly smile.

"I always knew you were real," you say, breathlessly, eager to impress. "Even when everyone called me names, I kept believing. I always stayed on my best behavior for you."

"I know you did," he says. "I have your list right here." Seemingly from nowhere, he produces a length of rolled up parchment, which he begins to unfurl as he reads. "All those times you helped young Cristopher with his homework, even when you wanted to go out with your friends...the way you check in on old Mrs. Rasherton every week...you're a real paragon of your community."

Your chest swells with pride. You'd do those things anyway, of course; goodness is its own reward. But it feels so wonderful to have your good deeds recognized by this man you so idolize.

"Of course, you've had some encounters with the naughty list, too. What child doesn't? That time at camp, for instance, when you allowed Trent Lipski to touch you under your underwear?"

You can feel your cheeks flushing. "I'm sorry, Santa. I tried to be extra good to make up for it."

"Or those times in the bathtub, when you put your private parts under the faucet?"

You look away. You can't stand the disappointment in his eyes. "I'm so sorry Santa."

You feel his hand on your cheek, gently pulling your gaze back to meet his. "Don't worry, Susie. No one can be perfectly good all the time, and your good deeds have vastly outweighed the bad. You are a good girl, Susie Summers, and that's why I'm here."

"Really?"

"Yes, my dear girl. You see, you're eighteen now and—"

"Almost eighteen," you say helpfully. Your birthday is January 7th.

"Close enough," he says. "You're growing into a woman, which means this is the last year I'll be able to bring you presents."

This comes as a surprise. You always known Santa Claus brought presents to children, but it never quite occurred to you that that meant he didn't bring presents to adults. "You mean...you'll never come here for me again?"

"I'm afraid so," he says sadly. "This will have to be goodbye. But because you've been such a good girl all these years, I've brought you one final parting gift, in addition to the ones below the tree downstairs."

"Really? What is it?"

His hand is on your thigh, caressing you gently. "You've been so good for me, Susie," he says. "I want to make you feel good. I want you to be extra good for me, one last time." His other hand is on your stomach now, furry white glove slipping under your sleep shirt. You're starting to be unsure if you want this gift, but you know it's rude to act ungrateful. "Can you be good for me, Susie?"

You nod nervously.

Slowly, one finger at a time, Santa slips the gloves off his hands. The skin underneath is like aged leather, wrinkly and soft. You gasp when he lifts up your shirt. "Look at this," he says, fondling your nipples. "Already so hard. I knew you had a naughty side to you."

No. You can't. You push his hands away, gently as you can. "I'm sorry Santa, I'm flattered, really, but I can't—"

Santa makes a clicking sound with his tongue, and all of a sudden your hands are being yanked back, toward the headboard. Some kind of cuffs clamp around your wrists, holding your arms far away from Santa's creeping, explorative hands. You look to your left and right, and see that they're not cuffs at all, but arms; thin, sinewy arms attached to a pair of thin, sinewy people no bigger than your forearm. They stare at you with large, unblinking eyes, and grin with mouths full of pointy teeth. They're strong, in spite of their size. You struggle against them with all your might, but neither seems remotely phased.

"You're a lucky girl, Susie," he says, playfully circling your areola with his thumb. "Most boys and girls never get to see a genuine Christmas elf. Meet Pepper and Ginger, two of my most trusted lieutenants. I could never do my job without their help."

The elf called Ginger—you can tell which is which because they wear name tags reading G. BREAD and P. MINT—pins your hand to the bed and sits on your wrist. She closes her eyes and begins grinding against the nub of your wrist bone.

Santa chuckles. "Of course, I make sure they get to enjoy themselves. I think that's the hallmark of any good boss, don't you?" He bends down and wraps his lips around your nipple, sucking and nibbling and groping at your other breast while he does it. You're afraid, but it feels kind of good, too. And you know Santa has your best interests at heart...doesn't he? When he comes up for air, Santa sees the tears running down your cheeks. "Oh, hush now, my dear, don't cry." He lays a tender hand on your face, wiping away a tear with his thumb. "I promise I'll be gentle with you. I'll make you feel good." He gets up on his knees and unbuckles his belt, pulling down his red pants to reveal white thermal underwear. This he unbuttons, and out comes...

You've seen a penis once before. Earlier this year, Daryl Dennis let you touch his at a party. You held it in your hand and stroked it up and down, delighting in the way he moaned and kissed you and told you how good it felt. When he came on your hand it snapped you out of whatever madness had taken you over, and you fled the room to wash it off. You hated yourself for weeks after that, tried to work extra hard to earn your place on the good list.

Suffice it to say, Santa's cock is about three times the size as the only other cock you've ever seen. It stands up so stiff that it actually touches his overhanging belly, and defined veins pulse up and down its length. He smiles when he sees you looking at it. "You came so close to letting Mr. Dennis be the first cock you ever felt inside you. I wish you could stay pure forever, but you're becoming a woman now. You should at least know what a real cock is like, so you have something to compare against."

He hooks his fingers under your waistband and pulls off your pajama bottoms and you panties all in one go. You're too afraid to fight back; those elves' teeth are sharp, and besides, you've spent so long trying to stay off the naughty list. A good girl would lie back and take it. You are a good girl. You are a good girl.

Santa's head is between your legs now. He's kissing your thighs, sniffing deeply, running his tongue along the outside edges of your crotch. One hand strokes his cock, and you can see he speeds up when his nose gets close to your pussy. "You know, Susie, I've found in all my years of life that the sweetest girls have the sweetest cunts. Did you know that?"

You shake your head.

"It's true. And you just might be the sweetest girl I've ever seen. So you can imagine how eager I've been to get a taste of this perfect, beautiful cunt. Let's get your juices flowing, shall we?" You gasp as his leathery fingers pinch the hood of your clitoris and pull it back, and a sound you didn't expect escapes your lips when his wet, warm tongue flicks across your exposed clit. He starts to trace slow, steady circles around it, taking his time, letting the desire build until your clit is throbbing with need. His moustache tickles your pubis as he closes his lips around your clit and begins sucking, first in long, slow pulls, and ramping up into quick, agonizing pulses. You begin to feel that feeling in your groin, the one you felt when you touched Daryl Dennis's cock, or when Trent Lipski put his hand in your pants, or when you hold your privates under the bathtub faucet. It's a tightness, a warmth, a wetness, and Santa must notice it too, because he smiles up at you. "Good girl. Let's find out what you taste like."

Suddenly his tongue is inside you, and you're moaning and arching your back and crying a little bit, because you're so scared but it feels so good. The elves grin and give you little kisses on your arms. Somewhere along the way Ginger has removed her pants, and she moans as her little elf pussy glides across your wrist. On the other side, Pepper's hands are on your pinky, lining it up with her exposed cunt, drooling as she pushes it inside.

When Santa comes up for air his glasses hang crooked on his face. "Hoooh, Susie, you must have the sweetest cunt I've ever tasted. Like caramel apples and candy canes. You really are one of the nicest girls who's ever lived."

You can't help but swell with pride at this praise. You've tried, really tried, and to know that it's paid off...it makes everything worth it. All the work, all the self-sacrifice, it wasn't for nothing. It's left a real, detectable mark on your body, and Santa can taste it in you. "Thank you, Santa," you manage to say.

"You're very welcome, Susie," says Santa. "And now that you're ready for me, I think it's time I made use of you." He straightens up, and flops his cock down on your stomach. It feels even bigger against your skin. You're afraid again. You know what's about to happen, and you're afraid it's going to hurt.

He throws his head back and moans with pleasure as the head of his cock parts your pussy lips. Your teeth grit and your heart pounds as you brace yourself for the pain, but it doesn't come. When he begins to push inside you, it's like he's stretching you out from the inside. There's no pain, only pressure, and increasingly, pleasure. He fills you up an inch at a time, expanding inside you, making you feel full in a way you never knew you could. You never should have doubted Santa. He knows what's best for you. He knows what you need.

"Ooohoho god, Susie," he says, picking up the pace now. "I knew you'd be worth it. I always know which good little girls will have the most delectable cunts. Girls like you, natural whores who make the choice to be nice, deny their nature to be sweet just for me...saving yourself for me...you know, somewhere deep down, that your little cunt is mine for the taking..."

He's right. He's completely right. When you fled the room after Daryl Dennis came in your hand. When you felt so guilty after Trent Lipski. What were you saying, implicitly? My holes are not for him. My holes are for Santa. You're moaning indiscriminately now, arching your back, your eyes rolling back in your head. The elves seem to be enjoying themselves, too; they moan squeakily as they ride your hands, apparently no longer worried about you trying to fight back. Santa's belly rolls across you with each thrust, and the heft of it is like a weighted blanket, comfortingly immobilizing. He grunts and moans with each thrust, the ball on his hat bouncing haphazardly. You feel something growing inside you, something wonderful and intense, something far better than the faucet on your clit, or Trent Lipski's fingers in your cunt. Your body is beginning to tremble, your legs bending and your toes flexing involuntarily. Suddenly you're afraid again; the sensation is too much, you can't handle it, you need to get away. Some animal part of your brain takes over; you're wrenching your hands free of the distracted elves, pulling yourself away from Santa's relentless cock, flailing your legs, kicking Santa in the solar plexus as he tries to grab at you. He doubles over, wheezing, and you know instantly you've done something terrible.

For a long moment the room is stock still. The elves seem just as frozen in fear as you are. Santa coughs, steadies himself against the bed. When he looks up, there's a darkness behind his eyes that wasn't there before. He clicks his tongue again, and the elves spring into action, grabbing you by the hair and turning you around so that your head hangs backward over the edge of the bed.

"I was going to give you a special present," says Santa, upside-down over you. There's a sick mirth in his voice that makes you shiver. "A Christmas present like no one's ever gotten before. But you had to go and be naughty." He says the word like it's the most vulgar epithet he can think of. "I was going to give you a son. My son. My heir. But my seed can't grow in a womb despoiled by filth." You feel a pressure inside you; it feels sort of like Santa's cock did, only harder, rounder, and growing. You lift your head to see what's going on down there, but it's all internal. It's getting painful now; you start straining to push it out. "The only thing your cunt is good for now," says Santa, a merciless twinkle in his eye, "is coal."

With a painful stretching sensation, a black mass crowns out of your cunt, spreading your pussy lips and stretching them wide as it pops out of you. It's a smooth, roughly spherical lump of coal, about the size of a baseball.

A leathery hand cups your chin and pushes your head back down. Santa's cock is inches from your face. "You're not going cocktease me, naughty girl. I'll get mine, one way or another."

Tears well up in your eyes as his cock parts your lips. You've never gotten coal in your stocking before, not once. You've spent your entire life being the nicest you could possibly be, and you had to go and ruin everything. You imagine what it would have been like to have Santa's seed growing inside you, your belly swelling with his son, your breasts inflating with peppermint-flavored milk. Instead you have his wrinkly, low-hanging scrotum slapping your face, and another lump of coal already forming inside your stupid, naughty cunt.

Santa forces his cock past your tongue, down your open throat. You gag, convulse involuntarily, but the elves hold you down, not to be caught slacking again. His belly drags across your face as he pulls back, and you spend a few seconds coughing and sputtering before he forces himself back down your throat again. Again, you gag, and when he pulls out this time you spit out a globule of thick saliva that collects around your nose and runs down your cheek. It goes like this for several more pumps: you gagging, struggling, crying, and him continuing to rape your throat anyway.

No, you think. Enough crying. You did something naughty, and now you pay for it. What do you always do when you catch yourself slipping into naughtiness? You're extra good to make up for it.

You steady yourself. Relax your throat. Santa is your king. Your god. Your everything. Your whole life, everything you do has been to please Santa. Now is no different. You start licking his shaft as it pounds away at your mouth. You can't see his face past his belly, but you can tell he likes it: the veins on his cock bulge under your tongue, and he groans with pleasure. Slowly, making sure the elves know you're not trying to fight, you lift your arms and grab the backs of his thighs, pulling him into you with each thrust. He takes the encouragement, picking up speed and enthusiasm. With one hand you begin to tenderly massage his balls, and with the other you stroke the base of his cock, the part that can't fit all the way down your throat. This is right. This is correct. My holes are for Santa, you think again. It's not for you to choose how he uses them.

You pop out another two lumps of coal, though you find that if you don't let them get too big it can be a somewhat pleasurable experience. You wonder how many nice things you'll have to do to stop them coming. You hope it isn't too easy. You moan as another one presses against your clit on its way out of you. You're desperate to rub yourself, but you can't take any attention away from Santa's beautiful, enormous, swollen, throbbing cock. That is your purpose.

With a long, shuddering groan, Santa presses his cock as deep as it will go. You feel hot cum shooting down your throat, collecting in your esophagus. He holds you there for a long time, your face in his overhanging belly, coal growing in your cunt. When he finally retreats you cough a huge glob of cum into your mouth. It tastes like cinnamon and nutmeg.

"Oh, little Susie," says Santa admiringly. "Even when you're being punished, you try your best to be nice." He sits next to you on the bed and begins gently massaging your throat. "It isn't enough to put you back on the nice list, but it's a start." He seems to think long and hard about something. "I'm a believer in second chances, Susie. I'll have to come back to this house next year for your brother anyway. Maybe I'll check in on you, and if you've been extra good..." he shoots you a twinkling wink. "I just might give you your special present after all."

Your head falls back in relief. You haven't squandered your chance! Santa is a merciful and loving god! The elves lay their heads on your breasts, petting your skin and cooing approvingly. The next thing you know, Santa is pulling up his pants, tucking in his undershirt, buckling his belt. He puts his hand on the knob of your bedroom door, but he turns back over his shoulder before he goes.

"Susie...you were right. Your holes are mine. No other cock, nor finger or tongue or any part of another person may penetrate them. But now that you're a woman...I believe it would be alright if you touched yourself, if you like. And know that I'll be watching." With that he's out the door, Pepper and Ginger in tow.

You get into a comfortable position in bed, head on your pillows, legs spread. You're slowly amassing a small pile of coal on your bedspread, and you're ready to go for another. You let this one grow a little while inside you, expanding until you can't take it anymore, then arch your back and close your eyes and furiously rub your clit as you birth it.

As a ball of coal the size of a small cantaloupe rolls to a stop on your sheets, your bedside clock clicks over to 12:01.

[cutesmokes]

‘Come back down to earth, kay?’  

Summary: After the incident revolving around the boy on the roof, Nene couldn't stop her mind from spiraling. It's winter break now and even after the bathroom ghost promised that she would have her answers, she couldn't help but worry. (Un)fortunately for her, Hanako knows her more than she could even begin to imagine.    

Author’s note: HOHOHO!!!!!!! Surprise @duckymcdoorknob ! I'll be your secret santa this year~! Thank you so much to @hypahticklish for hosting @squealing-santa this year. Good GOD this is a long one. It's been a while since I've written anything but wow I've really had fun not only writing this but having the excuse to finally rewatch this anime~! Happy holidays my dear/p I hope you enjoy this little story about our favorite bathroom ghost~! (its just a tad edgy in the beginning and at the end lol. Yay for overthinking/j) 

Cw: very brief mention of murd3r/ some overthinking

Word count: 1526

Who was he; that boy on the rooftop, why did he look almost identical to the ghost in the bathroom? Hanako looked so.. Scared, maybe? What was that look in his eye- all his courage and confidence That  practically drained from him as was what the stranger said true? Did he really… murder someone?   

Nene cringed as she swept the bathroom floor, the coarse bristles of the broom licking over the floor, the soft sound the only thing audible in the empty school. The world outside was gray and cold, clouds blanketed the dull sky, threatening snow. School had let out early and Yashido stood shivering with a cold that only anxiety could bring. Before she had actually dared to challenge the legend of the Seventh wonder of her school, she would have been home by now; lounging in something cute, the soft twilight cooling the night as she babied her beloved hamster, but now she was here- spending most of her freetime in the girl’s bathroom. 

 She sighed to herself, smiling slightly as she let the broom rest against one of the walls before dusting herself off. She found that, within the last few months, she hasn't minded her chores so much anymore. Sure, she still felt obligated to somehow repay Hanako for all the times he's saved her- it was almost embarrassing how extensive the list was. She always seemed to get herself into trouble but Hanako was always there to save her. It almost made her feel.. Special. She shook her head, denying even the slightest possibility that she could like the ghost more than just a friend. The last time she let herself believe that, it ended in more hurt feelings as she cried into his arms. She really was silly. 

When she looked up, bright gold eyes met her amber ones. with a high pitched scream, she jumped back, almost tripping over herself as she turned back to the ghost boy, who was not trying very hard to hold back amused snickers.

“UGH!! You startled me!” she shouted with an aggravated stomp of her foot. Hanako hung upside down, floating almost weightlessly in front of her as he chuckled. 

“Oh come on, Yashiro, you've been so jumpy lately! What's going on in that head of yours, hum~?” he asked playfully, tapping his pointer finger against her forehead. She turned away from him, going to pick up the broom to return it back to the closet, Hanako not far behind. 

“Its nothing- I've just been in my own world is all.” She muttered nervously, smiling with a dismissive wave of her hand as she walked away from the closet. Once she got home, she could think things over, or, better yet, distract herself from all this bust HAnako wouldn’t have it. He knew her better than just about anyone, probably thanks to the bond they shared due to the mermaid’s scale. Still hovering over her shoulder, his fingers rapidly poked over her cheek and down her arm. Annoyed, Nene swatted at his hands,

“Hanako! Knock it off!”                     

“Not till you tell me what’s wrong~!” he said in a sing-song manner, chasing after her like a child. Seeing the stairs that led to the roof’s exit, Nene ran like her life depended on it. Hanako had gotten so mad last time and she did not want to risk repeating that. Her shoes clicked noisily against the cold wooden steps as she made it to the roof, not without clumsily tripping over the last step and falling through the unlocked door however. As soon as she tumbled out onto the rooftop, the cold wind nipped at her skin, making her shiver- she really wasn't dressed to be out in the cold, she didn't even have her coat! None of that mattered as the apparition appeared in the doorway, his silhouette darkened by the dim lights leading to the stairwell. Nene watched in silent terror as Hanako walked towards her, smiling as he always did, hands hiding behind his back. The poor girl found herself closing her eyes, maybe if she just closed her eyes hed go away- 

Cold fingers cupped her cheek, gently turning it upwards. When her eyes fluttered open again, she found the apparition’s enticing eyes dangerously close to hers again. She felt her heart flutter, making her turn away. Darn him. Hanako just continued smiling as his hands freed her face, only to intertwine with hers, making her squeak. 

“Now now, it's just me~! Friends talk, remember~?” he coos, but Yashiro just turned away again. The boy huffs, pooting just a little.

“You used to make me laugh, ya know. You're so easy to annoy~!” he paused for a moment, thinking- had he ever heard her laugh? He couldn't remember… he smirked slightly, subtly reaching to experimentally squeeze her side. 

Almost immediately, her legs kick out in reaction to the electric shocks that shoot up her nervous system. Nene attempts to roll away from the tingling sensation but finds herself trapped, slumped in a wedge made by the walls of the safety rails that lined the roof with the mischievous ghost above of her. She tried to make herself look angry, but with her cheeks already warming, she knew it would be useless to play anything off.

“Hanako!? What was THAT!?” 

The boy just scooted closer to her side, scooping her up slightly so that they now lay against each other, side by side. 

“Oh! Just checking if you were ticklish or not.” he said casually, his words light, almost sounding excited.

“See- my twin and I used to have battles all the time- it was really fun!” he seemed sad, remembering things Nene couldn't even begin to imagine. Just as quickly as it came, however, the sadness in his tone was replaced with the bouncy, perky tone returned. A hand rose into view , fingers wiggling slightly before he continued.

“Seems to me like you could use a good laugh, Yashiro~” was all he said before fingers quickly began spidering across her stomach. Almost immediately, Yashiro bursts into panicked giggles, kicking and thrashing the best she could. 

“haha-HAnako! Y-hohou you big jerk! Stahahp!” 

“Hum… let me think… nah~! You have to tell me why you were sulking again.” he taunted, fingers bouncing across the top of her leg before rapidly squeezing over her knee. The response was a high, girly squeal, before Nene sank down farther to the ground. She shook her head, not only as a way to decline his little “Deal” but as a desperate attempt to decrease the feeling of delicate fingers across her knees. She knew she couldn't go on like this much longer, but she was feeling suborn. She tried shaking her hand free of hanako’s grasp but the ghost was strong, his fingers traveled down underneath her knee, fingers tenderly clawing at the skin that hid beneath her black tights. 

Her growing laughter turned silent due to the sudden change and intensity. She tried to sit up, but only tumbled into the 7th wonder’s lap as her bright, squealing laughter returned. Chuckling along with her, hanako finally released her hand, only to grab onto the school girl’s hips, squeezing in a new found rhythm. Yashiro’s feet stomped on the cement, her dainty hands latching onto Hanako’s wrists as she called out between squeals.

“OKAYHAHA-!! Okahahay- please! Stahahap!!”  

Fingers scamper up her ribs, jumping up to her shoulder and gently feathering into the crook of her neck before they remove themselves completely. The girl’s hands cup over her chest as she tries to take deep breaths in between her giggles, eyes closing as she grounds herself. Before long, Nene was able to sit up, whipping a tear of mirth from her eye with Hanako waiting, watching with that smug look on his face. Nene took one last breath before beginning to voice the concerns that had been bothering her for weeks. The longer she rambled, the faster she talked, her hands waving around as a way to accentuate her words. It was only when she seemed to start repeating herself was when the bathroom ghost interjected, gently grabbing her hands with his own. Yashiro gasped slightly as she is pulled out of her rant before meeting Hanako’s gaze.

“Hey. it's really cool you wanna know everything about me. No one’s really done that before, and.. I'm glad its you- but you have to be patient, okay? I promise I will tell you everything you want to know when I'm ready, but for now, just come back down to earth, ‘kay? I've missed you.”  

Despite the chill from not only the wind, but from hanako’s hands as well, she could feel a warmth deep within her chest, growing across her cheeks as she blushed softly. Nene became lost in Hanako’s honey-like stare; soft and sweet, feeling tears well up from how touching his words were. He was right. He may have been a tease, but he never broke a promise.. Her smile became more determined as she nodded. She really did trust him, despite all his secrets. 

Neither of them noticed that it had begun to snow..                                        

[small-witch-big-hat]

Santaur baby, just slip a foot of Yule log or three

In me

Been an awful good girl

So hurry up my chimney tonight

Santaur baby, a harness and a bridle pour vous

Light blue

Take a ride on you, dear

Santaur baby, so hurry up my chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed

Think of all the...fellas that I haven't kissed

Next year I could be just as good

If you'll check off my Christmas list

Santaur baby, I want a knot

Ten inches really hits the spot

Been left empty all year

Santa baby, so hurry up my chimney tonight

Santaur honey, one little thing I really need

Your seed

In this body of mine

Santaur baby, so hurry up my chimney tonight

Santaur cutie, and fill my stocking with Chance and Rex

Latex

Slap your 'X' on the line

Santaur cutie, and hurry up my chimney tonight

Come and trim my sweet booty

With some decorations not from Tiffany

I really do believe in you

Let's see if you can breed in me

Santaur baby, forgot to mention one little thing

A ring

I don't mean on the phone

Santaur baby, so hurry up my chimney tonight~

Apologies to Eartha Kitt. Original picture from Marina on Bluesky, filk lyrics by me.

[thepringlesofblood]

We really let michael bublé get away too easy from covering 'Santa Baby' and changing all the lyrics to no-homo versions.

i will be documenting each lyric change under the cut with commentary, but my personal favorite is that he changed "light blue" to "steel blue" - is light blue too girly for you????? aw no cant have a pastel in here nononono gotta have STEEL BLUE for a MAN

enjoy

original Eartha Kitt lyrics/changed bublé lyrics

slip a sable under the tree/slip a Rolex under the tree - this at least makes a small amount of sense, most people don't know what a sable is nowadays (it's a kind of marten - a small fluffy creature prized for its soft fur. she's talking about a fancy fur coat made with sable fur)

Been an awful good girl/I've been an awful good guy -he adds a whole verb. too sultry for the famously sultry song to leave out one contraction?

Santa, baby/Santa, buddy - the first of the unforgivable substitutions. he replaces baby with buddy 5 times. death.

a '54 convertible too, light blue/a '65 convertible too, steel blue -not only is 'light blue' just too sexy, but it's a slightly more recent car for seemingly no reason

I'll wait up for you, dear/I'll wait up for you, dude - aha no homo Dude just....waitin up for ya

Think of all the fellows that I haven't kissed/Think of all the hotties that I've never kissed - im just glad its not 'broads' or 'chicks' or something at this point. at least 'hotties', mediocre as it is, is gender-neutral. the 'never' is hilarious to me though, why you promising you've NEVER kissed anyone if this is a 100% no homo platonic song like you're tryin so hard to make it be.

Santa, baby/Santa, pally - THAT'S NOT A WORD, MICHAEL. THATS NOT A WORD PEOPLE USE. even if it is in some subculture i am not privy to, the aggressive FRIENDJUSTAFRIEND vibes are killing me.

Been an angel all year/I've been a sweetie all year - ill keep it real, michael, this one did not give the platonic santa vibe you were going for i think. still added the verb in though lol, mike can NOT have an incomplete sentence.

one little thing I really need, the deed, to a platinum mine/one thing that I really do need, the deed, to a platinum mine - this is a baffling inclusion. this lyric is maybe the most anachronistic and if bublé's goal was actually to 'update' the song i can't imagine he would leave this in. but no. he just moves a few words around and leaves in the platinum mine but oh no light blue has to go!

fill my stocking with a Duplex and checks, sign your x on the line/fill my stocking with Canucks tips for kicks, throw me on the first line how the duplex is weirder than the platinum mine i do not know but apparently that's what got cut

with some decorations bought at Tiffany/with some decorations bought at the Mercedes - you putting a car on the tree, mike?

Santa, baby/Santa, poppy - believe it or not, this is less offensive to me as a replacement than 'pally'. at least it kind of acknowledges the sugar daddy vibe of it all.

forgot to mention one little thing, a ring, I don't mean on the phone/forget to mention one little thing, cha-ching, No, I don't mean as a loan - .....i am speechless. christ.

[coconi]

💕 self-love time! talk about which ones of YOUR creations (edits, artworks, fanfics) you like the most then send to other creators to do the same 💕

(forwarding optional)

Aaaaaaa thank you, friend! 💖 This is gonna get messy and lengthy just fyi.

Let's see... I think my two favorite standalone fics to date (that are completed and posted at least) are Treading Water and Fugacious. Both happen to be pieces I wrote for fan events, so maybe those bring something special out of me?

I've talked many times about Treading Water. It's near and dear to my heart because of how many things about it felt experimental — the imagery/water metaphor, my own take on Aryll, using NPCs more, the getting to know someone through traces and impressions (which was the prompt!). It was fun to just follow Revali along from scene to scene as his pride thawed little by little, and everything fell into place so neatly it was almost scary 😅 I remember liveblogging as the word count increased because I simply couldn't believe it! It's still my longest work to date, and while to many 14k is nothing, to me it still is a huge accomplishment. That Aryll lives in my head rent-free with a story of her own, I love her so much.

Now Fugacious... I'll admit, when I saw that my giftee for the Revalink Secret Santa was @ghirahimbo I was a little scared. Steph is a phenomenal fanfic writer, one of the best I've encountered across fandoms, and she single-handedly got me into the ship (and into writing again!), so I wanted to write something to thank her for that. I'd been dying to explore Satori Mountain and its Lord so I figured going with something I truly wanted to write was my best bet! But I didn't really have a plan so I picked the route for the roadtrip and traveled it in-game, taking notes on landmarks and fun tidbits I could use. The problem was I found too many interesting things, so I had to axe a good chunk of them 😭 (RIP to the scene I had planned in Rutile Lake with Link swimming and splashing Revali to tease him). All in all it was a very fun fic to write.

Now, since the ask specifies edits as well and I'm a proud video editor, I'm gonna talk about my favorite MMV! I think we can all agree my best is Mirrors (with Rising Tide as a valiant second best), but today I wanna talk about Crossed Threads.

This fucking video is a testament to my perseverance and love for my wife. It took me four years to complete. Four years. I almost dropped the project it was too much work — I was getting frustrated, my editing skills had morphed and I didn't have the energy to redo old parts, Sony Vegas gave me the middle finger constantly, and there was so much masking. But I pushed through. I told myself over and over it doesn't have to be perfect, just get it done. And I did and I'm fucking proud of it 💪

Here's Tara's reaction at the time since this was a gift for her:

[20:44] Tara: YOU VILLAIN

I LOVE YOU

YOU WHORE OF BABYLON

I was also glad to give some food to the kyomami crew, since this ship is so criminally underrated. So many people thought I used doujinshi when most of the material used here (save for two images) is 100% canonical!!!!! Gah!!! Go read Puella Magi Madoka Magica: The Different Story y'all, it's so fucking good!!!! I love these girls to death!!!!!!

Ahem... anyway. That's all.

If you read all this, you're a real one. Here's a cookie 🍪

[camis-coffee]

Day 285

june 5th, 2023

It has been quite a while since I last posted, seven months more or less, and a lot of stuff happened. The first thing I feel like sharing is that I finally got a date for my return flight and am so happy to return home after a year away. Happiness comes with a very strange feeling tho, because even if I can't wait to see my family and friends, the thought of leaving the US to go back to Italy is somehow scary. Not because it is better here than back home, but because I do not know what to expect from everyone there. Life went on without me, obviously, and even tho I am perfectly aware of that, I have this weird thought that I'll just pick my life up where I left it. I also changed so much during this year, my needs are different and I know I'll have to set new boundaries with a lot of people because of these changes. And if I know my friends a little, they might be taken aback by them and the thought that they might just leave is quite frightening. All this could be either very real or just in my head but either way, it is quite scary.

Other stuff worth mentioning is that I have built a good friendship with three girls while in the US, and thanks to them, I was able to keep going and stay strong till the end. I am so glad I've met them and I know I'll miss them like crazy; one of them already went back home last month, another one is going back next month and then it will be my turn. I am quite happy I won't be all alone in my last month here, it would be very difficult and also quite depressing.

More stuff that happened in these seven months: I was able to go to LA and Santa Monica, went to Seattle, and Yosemite National Park, and also managed to go back home for a week during the Easter holidays! It was very nice to be back and spend time with my dear ones, and it was also very nice to surprise my uncles and aunts who did not know I was coming back.

The kids here still have their no moments, where they throw tantrums - as kids do, and are rude as fuck. In those moments it is so hard to keep calm and be able to be a good example, did not have that at all while growing up since it was all screaming and intimidation, but I always try my best, even if it goes and damages my mental health. I have come to value that very little and it is quite sad... so a goal for when I go back is to get better before doing any other adventures like this one!

This is all for now, hope to be able to update more before going back home.

find me on Twitter and Instagram if you want!

[nanikio]

Dads bestfriend part 6

Santa baby

Ba-boom Ba-boom Ba-boom Ba-boom Ba-boom Ba-boom Ba-boom Ba-boom Ba-boom Ba-boom Ba-boom A groan left your throat as the light spread around the room glistening. Roughly you pushed up out of bed your hair sticking up, you could feel your sour skin around your eyes from when you were crying last night, you shouldn't have been, you shouldn't have expected anything more from him. He wasn't worth it, you should of known he hadn't changed.

Santa baby, just slip a Sable under the tree for me Been an awful good girl Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Pulling your self out of bed and tucking your sheets back into place you quickly picked out an outfit for the day and headed to the shower closing the door behind you, hanging up your clothes you turned the shower on setting the temperature to just how you liked it.

You peeled your pj top over your head allowing it to drop to the floor along with your shorts and underwear the cold air hit your skin goosebumps scattered across it, reaching your hand out the water droplets littered over your skin, feeling the warmth of the water spread down your arm you stepped in letting the water cascade down your body flowing freely though your hair.

The memories form last night flashing through your head, seeing his arm around her shoulders , how he buried his face into her neck nuzzling into her light hair.

Shaking your mind of the thoughts your focused on the music playing through your speaker.

Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue I'll wait up for you, dear Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

You had began to hum softly while gently scrubbing your scalp running your shampoo through your hair sliding your fingers though the silky strands, stepping into the water line the water drained through your hair washing the soapy suds away doing the process again but with your conditioner. The water ran though your hair pouring the water down conditioner seeped over your face.

Think of all the fun I've missed Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed Next year, I could be just as good If you check off my Christmas list

Finishing your shower you turned it off squeezing the ends of your hair forcing the water out, dripping on the floor. Sliding the curtain back to its original place you stepped out the shower your feet landing on the matt, wrapping the towel around your body and another around your hair.

Santa baby, I want a yacht, and really, that's not a lot Been an angel all year Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Opening the door you made your way back to your room opening the door you let out a yelp running into a wall that was never there. Your eyes shot to meet Jacobs you stumbled back in shock, his hand shooting out wrapping around your waist his eyes trained on yours.

Santa honey, one little thing I really need The deed to a platinum mine Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

You pushed him off of you the anger you once felt boiling back up inside of you "what the hell are you doing in my room" you growled Looking up at him your eyes made contact with him suddenly remembering your only in a towel, almost as if a flame flashed over you, your face was consumed with heat.

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex and checks Sign your "X" on the line Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Moving further into your room you backed away from him trying to cover you self up more

"...hey I wanted to talk about last night" he spoke he voice course and almost seeping with a sleepless night

"And I don't. I'm done with you. You haven't changed" you hissed

His brows furrowed as his face dropped in realisation. "Shit..look sweetheart every time I've left you after we've kissed I've always regretted" he took a step closer towards you

"Don't call me that" you snapped the once sweet word now sounded so poisonous on his tongue He put his hands up as if to surrender "I just wanna explain my self" he looked up at your through his dark eyelashes

You didn't say anything back you just looked at him your hand still tightly wrapped around the towel. He stepped closer looking down at you but not in a that would make you feel inferior in a way that made you feel viewed, something he had always managed to do, for the amount of time you knew him, he never looked down on you, he never used his age as a way to seem superior , whenever he spoke to you, he didn't speak at you, it always felt personal, that's something that made you fall harder for him.

Come and trim my Christmas tree With some decorations bought at Tiffany's I really do believe in you Let's see if you believe in me

"That girl..she wasn't anyone special..it's just your dad he was getting suspicious and asking questions and I panicked..I didn't want to, It just all caught up with me that you were who you are and how wrong it was for me to touch you like that." His hand brushed against your cheek "not that I didn't want to, I crave your touch.."

You gulp feeling his soft get worn hands against your cheek, not matter how mad you were at him, his touch always soothed you.

"Every time I see you I want to wrap my arms around you and whisper in your ear, her skin was course compared to yours " he lent down on the last bit his lips grazing against your ear.

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing A ring, I don't mean on the phone Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

You pressed your hand to his chest pushing he back a bit seeing the sorrowful change in his eyes, "...i dont get it ,if you want me so much why leave every time we get close" you whispered your eyebrows furrowing.

"Your dad...I don't think I could tell him that I want his little girl you know.. it feels almost wrong ,im pretty sure he'd kill me" he chuckled at the end trying to take light in the situation. His laughter dying down.

You thought on his words letting them sink in it's as if all the words had dried on your tongue before being given the chance to escape.

You felt his hand hold onto your waist pulling you closer to him, you dropped you hands from his chest giving into him, letting your face fall onto his chest breathing in his cologne.

"I'm so sorry" he whispered his large hand stroking your hair threading his finger though and gently scratching your scalp. His other hand tightening around your waist like if he let go you'd slip out of his grasp.

Your hands slipped around his waist not wanted to be out of his warm embrace, slowly you pulled your head from his chest and looked up at him pressing a soft kiss to his lips, he smiled into the kiss and let out a small laugh lifting you off the floor and wrapped your legs around his waist getting you as close as possible.

Hurry down the chimney tonight Hurry, tonight

[firehouse-subs-fr]

merry christmas

SANTA BABY 🎅 JUST SLIP A SABLE UNDER THE TREE 🎄 FOR ME 👹 BEEN AN AWFUL GOOD GIRL 😊 SANTA BABY 👶 SO HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT 🙏 SANTA BABY 🤶 A 54 CONVERTIBLE TOO 🚗 LIGHT BLUE 🥶 I'LL WAIT UP FOR YOU 🫵 DEAR 🦌 SANTA BABY 🧑‍🎄 SO HURRY DOWN THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT 😏 THINK OF ALL THE FUN I'VE MISSED 😔 THINK OF ALL THE FELLAS THAT I HAVEN'T KISSED 😘 NEXT YEAR I COULD BE JUST AS GOOD 💝 IF YOU CHECK OFF MY CHRISTMAS LIST 🎁

[stranger224]

Berry Brothel-Eartha's Performance

I have to say I was pretty excited to watch Eartha’s performance. A few wall street types had bought an auction with her, meaning they had till the end of a song to convince her they were the one to go in the back room with her for a ride they would never forget. I've done a few myself and they can be quite fun. It can make you feel powerful to have all these guys eating out of your hand.

The room decorates itself to look like an office christmas party even spawning in a few NPCs to mill around and make small talk. Eartha pretends to mingle sipping from a pink cocktail. The trio of Men I’ve nicknamed them Jordan, Gordon and Bob are also standing together chatting, probably making side bets with each other about the outcome, while they wait for Eartha’s song to start.

The music starts to play around the room. the three men look trying to figure out who the singer is, Eartha finishes her drink and saunters over to the men. she has added a pair of thick rim glasses to her sweater and beanie combined with her boyish frame she was giving off Jess Day vibes. 

As the first verse of the song started she cuddled closer to Gordon, who seemed to be slightly older than the other two, with a well maintained white beard and a red suit. Giving him a cool santa vibe. Gordon seemed confused by the nerdy girl in front of him. Clearly he had expected someone that looked more traditionally like a stripper.

“Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree for me” Eartha sang or maybe she was just lip syncing. She pressed her back into Gordon’s shoulder with a little shimmy and a wink at the other two men

“Been an awful good girl” clasping her hands in front of Gordon Eartha dropped to her knees looking up at him she made her eyes wide and face as coquettish as possible.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Springing up to her feet she moved her attention to Jordan. pressing her hands to her hips, she rolled her hips seductively before spreading her legs and leaning over, and presenting her ass to the third man Bob. This move would have worked if her sweater wasn't so long that it covered her down to her knees. Bob for his part also seemed confused about why it looked like someone from accounting had gotten too drunk and was now trying to flirt despite having no assets to flaunt. Bob was dressed in a green velvet suit that didn't seem to fit him too well. Like he had grabbed the first thing that fit him. Maybe he got dragged to this place slightly against his will. Only Jordan was watching Eartha like a hawk looking for the smallest detail of changes; it was clear he had been the one to suggest coming to Brothel over an average strip club or call service. Jordan was wearing the least festive outfit of the trio. The only notable detail was the blue fleece vest that really screamed “I'm a venture capital bro” , still he was the one bringing in new clients to the brothel so I can't hate him too much.

When Eartha leaned over he saw the first sign of the changes to come; the hair sticking out of Eartha’s beanie was now a bleach bottle blond.

“Santa baby, an auto space convertible too, light blue” 

Eartha moved to the center of the men, miming turning a steering wheel as she dipped her hips slightly rocking them like a bell.

I'll wait up for you, dear

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Shifting her attention to Bob Eartha pressed herself to his chest  pulling up his tie and giving it a twirl.

Think of all the fun I've missed

Leaning over Bob’s shoulder she pointed over at Jordan with come hither look before pushing off of both of them and strutting away, wagging her finger over her lips while singing “Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed”

Next year I could be also good

If you'll check off my Christmas list

Still singing, Eartha reached up and pulled off the beanie, long blond hair fell down like a waterfall of silk,  reaching all the way past the bottom of her dress. Both Gordon and Bob looked at her in shock, while Jordan’s smug face said closer to “What did I tell you?” 

Santa honey, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot

Been an angel all year

Eartha began swishing her hips back and forth tickingling her hair as if it was a dance partner, turning sideways as she bent her leg, letting all that new hair tumble down before moving it back in place with a flip. On Eartha’s wrist a gold bracelets suddenly lit up blue Jordan had decided to make the first bid on the Christmas kitten 

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Eartha waltzes over to the current leader running her fingers through her long golden hair fluttering her eyelashes at him. Eyelashes that were rapidly darkening and thickening. as if Mascara was magically applied by an unseen hand. With a wink Eartha’s brown eyes turned baby blue.

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed

To a platinum mine

 The bracelet on her wrist changes from blue to green as Bob ups the bid. Eartha

moves over to her new playmate. Dropping to her knees in front of him, her face is level with his dick. Looking up to him with her big blue eyes, she licks her lips slowly and seductively. As her tongue passes over them they take on a glossy pout pumping up to beautifully sculpted cock pillows. As Eartha sings the next line of the song I know she has to be lipsyncing, no one with lips that plump could talk without lisping let alone sing.

“Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight”

The Bracelet turns blue again as Jordan ups the bid. Making a kissy face at Bob Eartha slinks her body back up to standing. As she reaches her full height I notice she seems to be a bit taller, then I see that the converse she had been wearing have now changed into pink converse heels. As she clicks over to Jordan I notice that her sweater dress is slowly moving away from her knees.  

Come and trim my Christmas tree

With some decorations bought at Tiffany

Eartha spreads her legs in front of Jordan, bouncing her hips in time to the beat. She places her hands on top of one another giving her ring finger a seductive wiggle. As she bounces I see that her breasts have a bit more bounce to them, a bit more jiggle. As they push away from her chest they are pulling the hem of her dress up higher exposing more of her legs and thigh in the process. 

I really do believe in you

Let's see if you believe in me

Her bracelet changes back to green. Eartha repeats the same move she did before bending over to present her tits to Jordan, and her ass to Bob but now she really has something to shake. Her ass is growing, bubbling out thick and juicy, becoming heart shaped as her hips widen out. Her boobs are also still getting bigger, pumping up to J cups or bigger. The growth of her body has pulled her dress into a sweater showing off a pair of red panties with white trim with the word ‘naughty’ printed in festive gold script. 

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring

I don't mean on the phone

Bob goes to swat at Eartha’s ass,  but she stands up and twists around to face him. An overemphasis pout on her face, as if she can't believe that he would be so crude. Still lip syncing, She puts her hand out to him tapping her ring finger again as the bracelet changes to blue.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Returning to Jordan Eartha pressed herself to his body making sure his cock was right up against her panties. She puts a hand on his hip, guiding him to move with her as her curves grow even more extreme. Her ass easily filled his lap, while his hands massaged her breasts that had to be M cups at least, but sat high and perky giving them an air of silicone implants. They were so large that the sweater that had started out as a dress now wasn't even covering her tiny waist.

“Hurry down the chimney tonight”. She sang the final lines of the song as the music slowed down. Jordan smiled sure that he had won the prize tonight. Then the light on Eartha’s bracelet turned a new color: Red

Jordan hurried to up his bid as Eartha pulled away from him, sauntering her bimbo body up to Gordon who was smirking proudly. As the song ended its final bar and Eartha escorted the her Santa baby to a private room, his hand on her ass with a last look over her shoulder to the other two men, she mouthed the last two words of the song with a wink

“Hurry, tonight” 

The room went dark as Jordan and Bob were escorted out of the room and I made my way down for my performance

[bread--quest]

[ID: Text in an old newspaper. It reads: "Minden, La., Box 561 December 15, 1941

Dear Santa, I've got a big sumpin' to ask of you this year, and I hope you can do it for me. You see, Santa, I've been hearing my mother talk about the under-privileged children and how she was going to give all my toys you brought me last year to them, and let you bring me some new ones. Now you see, Santa, my old trac- tor is as good as new. One of the treads is broken, but I've tied a string around it, and it runs nearly like new. I just wanted another one to kinda help my old one pull. But I got to thinking, why can't you bring the new one to the un- derprivileged boy and let me keep mine, 'cause I've even got her named. I call her "Old Mae."

Last night when 1 said my prayers, I told Jesus to help you to see this my way, and I know you will. I won't ask but for one thing if you will do this. I do want a cowboy suit.

My teacher says I'm a real good boy, and I heard some of my mother's lady friends say they knew I was the best boy in the world. I know I'm not, but I have been pretty good.

Please bring my little brother a cowboy suit, too. He has a job and works while I am in school. He saves his money, and we are buying defense stamps with it. Don't you think he's smart? Please remember him.

Bring my sister something pretty -also my Mother and Daddy. Please remember the little boys and girls who live where the war is going on.

If I knew the date of your birthday, I would send you something. Mike's birthday is Friday. He will be five years old.

Will close now, hoping you can visit all the children this year. Love and best wishes for a Happy New Year.

Your friend, Robert Moss.

End ID.]

Robert Moss was diagnosed with polio at the age of six, the year before he wrote this letter. He would spend the next nine years of his childhood in and out of hospitals.

He made a full recovery and was a decorated athlete in High School and College, as well as an Eagle Scout. After college, he became a junior high science teacher, while also coaching football, basketball and track.

During summer break from teaching in 1965, his childhood struggle with polio inspired him to spend the summer working at the Louisiana Lions Camp for Crippled Children. He went back the next summer and was hired as camp director.

Robert was the Executive Director of the Lions Camp for 41 years. Over his tenure he expanded the camp to include programs for children with pulmonary disorders, muscular dystrophy, diabetes and autism.

He assisted in programs to set up similar camps in Puerto Rico and Australia, as well as a camp for children with terminal illnesses in Texas.

The Lions Camp still operates and is 100% free of charge for all attendees.

(source: The Minden Herald, December 19, 1941.)

[small-witch-big-hat]

Santaur baby, just slip a foot of Yule log or three

In me

Been an awful good girl

So hurry up my chimney tonight

Santaur baby, a harness and a bridle pour vous

Light blue

Take a ride on you, dear

Santaur baby, so hurry up my chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed

Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed

Next year I could be just as good

If you'll check off my Christmas list

Santaur baby, I want a knot

Ten inches really hits the spot

Been left empty all year

Santa baby, so hurry up my chimney tonight

Santaur honey, one little thing I really need

Your seed

In this body of mine

Santaur baby, so hurry up my chimney tonight

Santaur cutie, and fill my stocking with Chance and Rex

Latex

Slap your 'X' on the line

Santaur cutie, and hurry up my chimney tonight

Come and trim my sweet booty

With some decorations not from Tiffany

I really do believe in you

Let's see if you can breed in me

Santaur baby, forgot to mention one little thing

A ring

I don't mean on the phone

Santaur baby, so hurry up my chimney tonight~

Hurry tonight ~3^

[lynnestra44]

Santa Baby Drooling Over Bradley 'Rooster' Bradshaw Version Santa baby, just slip a Bradley under the tree for me Been an awful good girl Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a first gen Ford Bronco too, light blue I'll wait up for you dear Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed Think of all the pilots that I haven't kissed Next year I could be just as good If you check off my Christmas list

Santa baby, I want a FA-18 and really that's not obscene Been an angel all year Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa honey, one little thing I really need The deed to an airport hangar Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with my own plane and gas Let me fly everywhere Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree With some decorations got from the Navy I really do believe in you Let's see if you believe in me

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing A ring, I don't mean on the phone Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight Hurry down the chimney tonight Hurry, tonight

[celebmania01]

25 Hilariously Funny Christmas Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud

As we celebrate the joyous season of Christmas, it's important to remember that laughter is the best gift of all. Funny Christmas quotes are a delightful way to add humor and lightheartedness to the festivities. Whether you're looking for a good laugh to share with friends and family or a witty caption for your social media posts, these 25 hilarious Christmas quotes are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.

"Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge

"My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge." - Melanie White

"Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Okay, most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I'll buy my own presents!"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live." - George Carlin

"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear...unless you can't sing. Then just enjoy the show!" - Will Ferrell as Buddy the Elf in "Elf"

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered." - Phyllis Diller

"Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries Not Included." - Unknown

"Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas!" - Unknown

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I'll drink the red!" - Unknown

"Nothing says holidays like a cheese log." - Ellen DeGeneres

"I'm only a morning person on December 25th." - Unknown

"Christmas is the perfect time to enjoy the company of family and remind them that you’re the reason they need therapy." - Unknown

"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet." - Unknown

"I'm only a morning person on December 25th." - Unknown

"I hope Rudolph eats the naughty list." - Unknown

"Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money." - Unknown

"You can tell a lot about a person's character by the way they handle tangled Christmas lights." - Unknown

"The best Christmas decorations are the ones you can eat." - Andy Rooney

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll drink the red." - Unknown

"Who's the bane of Santa's life? The elf and safety officer." - Catherine Tate

"The awkward moment when Santa accidentally leaves the price tag on your Christmas gift." - Unknown

"On Christmas Eve, we have cookies and milk for Santa. On Christmas morning, we have aspirin for mom and dad." - Unknown

"I've seen your Instagram, you're getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas." - Unknown

"The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants." - John Andrew Holmes

"The only time of the year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks." - Unknown

Diverse Perspectives: While humor can be subjective, funny Christmas quotes have the potential to bring people from all backgrounds together through laughter and shared enjoyment. Though these quotes may reference specific holiday traditions, they can still be appreciated for their comedic value, regardless of religious or cultural beliefs.

Conclusion: Laughter is a universal language that brings people together, regardless of their differences. These 25 hilarious Christmas quotes are sure to bring joy and laughter to your holiday season. Whether you're sharing them with loved ones or using them as witty captions for your social media posts, these quotes will surely make you laugh out loud and spread the festive spirit to those around you.

Sources:

Victor Borge Quote - source

Melanie White Quote - source

Will Ferrell Quote - "Elf" movie

[kahran042]

A metric ****tonne of new Jonas Corbin's Guide to Life quotes!

Chloe: Say it! Alicia: I am a tough…whispers bitch. (Source: 13 Going on 30) (Chloe Seaver, Alicia Ramsey)

Sarah: Here, Lauren. I got you this book. It’s called “New Hampshire's Best Lesbian Hikes.” Lauren: Now I can walk and kiss girls at the same time!! (Source: 3rd Rock from the Sun) (Sarah Reinholt, Lauren Reinholt)

Connor: No need to apologize. You’re stupid; I’m rude. See you tomorrow. (Source: 3rd Rock from the Sun) (Connor Urquhart)

Jonas: Give me one good reason why. Chloe: I’ll give you five good reasons. counting her fingers as she curls them into a fist One, two, three, four, FIVE! Jonas: Those are good reasons. (Source: A Charlie Brown Christmas) (Jonas Corbin, Chloe Seaver)

Nate: Who would care about a loser like me? Jonas: Losers like us, that’s who! (Source: A Very Potter Musical) (Nate Kellerman, Jonas Corbin)

Principal Mazlish: Jonas Corbin, why do I get the feeling this has something to do with you? (Source: Aaahh!!! Real Monsters) (Viktor Mazlish)

Mia: I'm Mia, and I'm back to answer more of your letters! Our first letter comes from Claudia Thomas of Clear Lake, Iowa. Claudia writes, "Dear Mia,"- that's me! "Dear Mia, I live in a two-story house and my room is upstairs. Every morning when it's time to go to school, I jump out the window. So far, I've broken my leg seventeen times. You have any help or suggestions for me?" Well, Claudia, I do have a little suggestion for you. USE THE STINKING STAIRS! THE STAIRS, EINSTEIN! "I'm Claudia! And I jump out the window because blah dee blah dee BLAH!" JUST USE THE STINKING STAIRS! MAN! ARE YOU SURE YOU BROKE YOUR LEG? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU FELL ON YOUR HEAD AND BROKE YOUR STINKING BRAIN! heavy breathing (Source: All That) (Mia Thompson)

Principal Mazlish: I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them! Jonas: But you did make the rules, they’re called “Mazlish's Rules”! Principal Mazlish: Darn right! And I stand by them! (Source: Amphibia) (Viktor Mazlish, Jonas Corbin)

Jonas: It’s no big deal. Jonas, narrating: This was a very big deal. (Source: Amphibia) (Jonas Corbin)

Jonas: Aren't you even a little bit scared? Nate: Why should I be? Science is on my side. (Source: Arthur) (Jonas Corbin, Nate Kellerman)

Monica: You can stay up when you're Jonas' age, Samantha. Samantha: But I'll never be Jonas' age! He's always gonna be ten years older than me. (Source: Arthur) (Monica Corbin, Samantha Corbin)

Jared: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think it’s too late for violence. (Source: Bob's Burgers) (Jared Murphy)

Chloe: I have a hypothetical question. Suppose a kid at school called me a nasty name… should I kick him real hard in the shins? Mark: No, I don't think violence would be justified. Chloe: Here's another hypothetical question. What if I already did? (Source: Calvin and Hobbes) (Chloe Seaver, Mark Seaver)

Samantha: They say Santa knows if you've been good or bad, but what if someone had been sort of BOTH? I mean, suppose some kid TRIED to be good… at least, well, most of the time… but bad things inexplicably kept happening? Suppose some kid just had terrible luck, and she got blamed for a lot of things she did only SORT of on purpose? Jonas: Who exactly might we be talking about? Samantha: This is a purely hypothetical case, Mr. Smartypants. (Source: Calvin and Hobbes) (Samantha Corbin, Jonas Corbin)

Connor: looks up at the stars I'M SIGNIFICANT! (A few minutes pass) Connor: …screamed the dust speck. (Source: Calvin and Hobbes) (Connor Urquhart)

Adrian: I’m not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information. (Source: Calvin and Hobbes) (Adrian Bernhardt)

Connor: I won't be sorry to see this day end. Morgan: You say that every day. (Source: Daria) (Connor Urquhart, Morgan Urquhart)

Thom: Connor, do you have to look at everything in such a negative light? Connor: Could you possibly be referring to the harsh light of reality? (Source: Daria) (Thom Anderson, Connor Urquhart)

Marissa: …I should get back before Thom and Kyle kill each other. Donna: Yeah. You wouldn’t wanna miss that. (Source: Daria) (Marissa Anderson, Donna Corbin)

Colin: I love your hair. Morgan: What? Colin: No…I- love the…air. (Source: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog) (Colin Gardner, Morgan Urquhart)

Jared: Why are you going to be on the news? Did you get locked in the monkey cage again? Nick: Hey, those chimps tricked me! The big one took my corn dog and I had to go in there and get it back! (Source: Drake and Josh) (Jared Murphy, Nick Murphy)

Thom: I’m not cool, alright? Why do you think old people like me so much? (Source: Drake and Josh) (Thom Anderson)

Jonas: Excuse me, but I know when a girl likes me! I’ve imagined it a thousand times! (Source: Drake and Josh) (Jonas Corbin)

Teacher: You were supposed to hand in an essay on current events. Nick: Yeah, which I did. Teacher: No, this is today's newspaper with your name written on it. In crayon. (Source: Drake and Josh) (Nick Murphy)

Jonas: opens his bedroom window and looks out YOU HEAR THAT, FOXWOOD? JONAS CORBIN'S TIME HAS COME! SO LOOK OUTSIDE- falls out of the window (Source: Drake and Josh) (Jonas Corbin)

Mark: looking at a picture of himself Who's that good-looking guy? Connor: Get some glasses, Mark. (Source: Ed, Edd n Eddy) (Mark Seaver, Connor Urquhart)

Kiera: (eating a sandwich) Mmm. Chloe: What kind of sandwich is that? Kiera: Peanut butter egg and jellybean. The week after Easter so rocks. Chloe: I need to start making MY lunches. (Source: FoxTrot) (Kiera Bernhardt, Chloe Seaver)

Chloe: Mark, I don't even know HOW to play Wayfarer! Mark: That's OK- you can read the instructions while I'm setting up. Chloe: Where are they? Mark: In my big bookcase upstairs. Chloe: Could you be a little more specific? Mark: How so? Chloe: Top shelf? Bottom shelf? Middle shelf? Mark: Look, if time's a problem, you can skip volumes 18 and 31… (Source: FoxTrot) (Chloe Seaver, Mark Seaver)

Zane: Jazz, if you were Sarah, what would you want for your birthday? Jasmine: Hmmm. Am I mad at you? Zane: A little. Yeah. Jasmine: Diamonds. Big ol' rocks. Zane: What if you weren't mad at me? Jasmine: Hmmmm… Diamonds. Big ol' rocks. Zane: Never mind. (Source: FoxTrot) (Zane Kessler, Jasmine Kessler)

Kiera: Okay, well, I guess I just never think of money as an issue. Chloe: That's because you have it. Kiera: That’s a good point. (Source: Friends) (Kiera Bernhardt, Chloe Seaver)

Nate: That's a mean question! I'm not answering that! Chloe: Come on, it's just a question. If you had to punch someone in the group- if you HAD to- who would you punch? Nate: I'm not answering that. We're all friends. Why would I punch anyone? Chloe: It would be Jonas, wouldn't it? Nate: Yeah, but I don't know why. (Source: Friends) (Nate Kellerman, Chloe Seaver)

Peter: I’m older. Colin: I’m younger. Peter: I’m taller. Colin: I’m shorter. Peter: I’m smarter. Colin: I’m…not falling for that. (Source: Full House) (Peter Gardner, Colin Gardner)

Connor: Tell me something I don't know. Morgan: Yesterday, I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet. (Source: Full House) (Connor Urquhart, Morgan Urquhart)

Richard: Am I the raddest, baddest dad a kid could ever have? Jonas: You were until you said that. (Source: Full House) (Richard Corbin, Jonas Corbin)

Richard: Now you can have your ice cream and chocolate milk, but no cookies. Samantha: Boy, are you strict! (Source: Full House) (Richard Corbin, Samantha Corbin)

Kathleen: You can’t just sit here in the dark, listening to music. Connor: Well, I could have if you hadn’t turned on the lights and turned off the speakers. (Source: Futurama) (Kathleen Urquhart, Connor Urquhart)

Jonas: My back hurts from sleeping for eighteen hours. Brad: For you, that would be considered a work-related injury. Jonas: Shut up. (Source: Garfield) (Jonas Corbin, Brad Thompson)

Mia: Look, Brad, look! Look! Look! Look! Brad! Brad! Brad! Brad! Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! Brad: ALL RIGHT! WHAT IS IT?!! Mia: Made you look. (Source: Garfield) (Mia Thompson, Brad Thompson)

Donna: (looking groggy) Oh, boy, what a night. I ate too much, I drank too much, and I danced half the night. You're lucky you're a kid, Jonas. You don't have to put up with all that. Jonas: (yells) RUB IT IN, WHY DON'T YOU?! (Source: Garfield) (Donna Corbin, Jonas Corbin)

Robert: I'll never understand you. Connor: I like that. Connor Urquhart: Boy of Mystery. (Source: Garfield) (Robert Urquhart, Connor Urquhart)

Mark: I think we’re lost. Connor: We don’t get lost, we go exploring. (Source: Generator Rex) (Mark Seaver, Connor Urquhart)

Principal Mazlish: Mr. Kellerman, I need one minute of your time. Nate: I’ll give you two because you scare me. (Source: Gilmore Girls) (Viktor Mazlish, Nate Kellerman)

Mark: I'm madly in love with you. Lauren: Well, good luck with that. (Source: Gilmore Girls) (Mark Seaver, Lauren Reinholt)

Jonas: Who wants to hear a joke? Connor: Not me. Jonas: Yeah you do, here goes. (Source: Gravity Falls) (Jonas Corbin, Connor Urquhart)

Justin: Despite my best efforts, NASA rejected my application letter three times. Each letter said the same thing: “We thank you for your interest, but you’re twelve.” (Source: Gravity Falls) (Justin Seaver)

Connor: If there's no pot, I'm going home. (Source: Grey's Anatomy) (Connor Urquhart)

Jonas (to Samantha): No offense, you know that you’re my sister and that I love you, but let’s face it, you’re a nightmare! (Source: iCarly) (Jonas Corbin)

Morgan: What’s up with you? Connor: What do you mean? Morgan: You have been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What’s your game? (Source: iCarly) (Morgan Urquhart, Connor Urquhart)

Chloe: The only thing I give for free is attitude! (Source: Jem) (Chloe Seaver)

Morgan: Clowns are not normal people. (Source: Junie B. Jones) (Morgan Urquhart)

Brad: You should be ashamed of yourself. Mia: You're right. I should be ashamed of myself. But I never am. (Source: King of the Hill) (Brad Thompson, Mia Thompson)

Richard: I know Samantha is very sorry and didn't mean it. Samantha: Very sorry. Richard: See? Samantha: But I did mean it. Richard: Samantha! (Source: Lilo and Stitch) (Richard Corbin, Samantha Corbin)

Chloe: Why is your mom so mean? Kiera: I guess when you find something you're really good at, you just stick with it. (Source: Malcolm in the Middle) (Chloe Seaver, Kiera Bernhardt)

Mark: Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calendar. Nick: Yeah, it is. It's the 31st. Mark: No, Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear that's Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your hearts, every day is Halloween. Jared: pointing to a calendar No, look, it's the 31st. (Source: Malcolm in the Middle) (Mark Seaver, Nick Murphy, Jared Murphy)

Mark: What's the matter, Mom? Valerie: What does it say on this jar? Mark: "Valerie R. Seaver." Valerie: Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates… Mark: Are you counting the one in your hand? Valerie: Okay, false alarm. (Source: Malcolm in the Middle) (Mark Seaver, Valerie Seaver)

Valerie: At what age did you just accept that your life is a piece of rotten garbage and always will be? Donna: Twenty-two. (Source: Malcolm in the Middle) (Valerie Seaver, Donna Corbin)

Connor: Am I in hell? Morgan: No, Connor. If you were in hell, you’d be on a throne and the devil would be packing. (Source: Married… with Children) (Connor Urquhart, Morgan Urquhart)

Connor: Mark always seems like Mr. Slickster Cool-guy, but he’s actually hiding his emotions under a very thick layer of Axe body spray. (Source: Modern Family) (Connor Urquhart)

Mia: Sorry I aggravated you. But just so you know, a lot of people think I’m adorable. (Source: Modern Family) (Mia Thompson)

Everett: You know, I raised two fully functional daughters. Nina: You have two daughters I don't know about? (Source: Modern Family) (Everett Chapman, Nina Chapman)

Valerie: Chloe likes to win. When she was 8, a little Girl Scout friend of hers bragged she could sell the most cookies. Damned if Chloe didn’t walk the neighborhood till she got blisters on her feet, and won by 10 boxes. Best part is, Chloe wasn’t even a Girl Scout. (Source: Modern Family) (Valerie Seaver)

Jonas: Mia! Were you following me? Mia: Yes- I mean no- I mean, maybe! (Source: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic) (Jonas Corbin, Mia Thompson)

Alicia: I'm so frustrated, I could just kick something! lightly taps vase with her foot, barely making it rock (Source: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic) (Alicia Ramsey)

Adrian: I am a father. Kiera: Terra's a ferret, Adrian. Adrian: She is my blood! (Source: New Girl) (Adrian Bernhardt, Kiera Bernhardt)

Morgan: Feeling better? Connor: The yelling’s on the inside instead of the outside now. (Source: Paranatural) (Morgan Urquhart, Connor Urquhart)

Chloe: When people get too close to me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know how I really don't care about them. Jonas: Fascinating. Chloe: Glad you agree, Joseph. (Source: Parks and Recreation) (Chloe Seaver, Jonas Corbin)

Connor: I can't go because I don't want to. (Source: Parks and Recreation) (Connor Urquhart)

Kiera: Terra, this has been a very bad week for me. What can you do when everything seems hopeless? Terra: licks Kiera on the cheek Kiera: That's good advice! (Source: Peanuts) (Kiera Bernhardt, Terra)

Nick: I'm gonna have to think about that. Mark: Great. Then I'll never know. (Source: Pelswick) (Nick Murphy, Mark Seaver)

Kiera: Chloe's been suspended! Jonas: For what? Kiera: Violating school code number 74. Jonas: Um, "don't ever have fun doing anything, ever"? Kiera: That's 73. It's the dress code. Jonas: Foxwood has a dress code? (Source: Pelswick) (Kiera Bernhardt, Jonas Corbin)

Jared: It's a stop sign, Nick. It doesn't change to green. Nick: Oh… oh yeah. (Source: Pelswick) (Jared Murphy, Nick Murphy)

Stephen: Adrian, don't you think you're being a little harsh with your sister? Adrian: No. I know what boys are like. I'm one. (Source: Pelswick) (Stephen Bernhardt, Adrian Bernhardt)

Nate: It’s called polarity! You can’t have two positives or two negatives. Kiera: Oh, you can have two negatives. Just look at my parents. (Source: Phineas and Ferb) (Nate Kellerman, Kiera Bernhardt)

Jonas: Care to come with us? Connor: And spoil my carefully calculated air of selfishness and unconcern? Not until the last second, thank you very much. (Source: Phineas and Ferb) (Jonas Corbin, Connor Urquhart)

Chloe: Mark, are you crying? Mark: No, I'm sweating through my eyes. (Source: Phineas and Ferb) (Chloe Seaver, Mark Seaver)

Mark: Promise me something, Nick- NEVER BREED. Nick: I'll try. (Source: Pinky and the Brain) (Mark Seaver, Nick Murphy)

Jared: Aw, what?! I wanted to be player one! Nick: Jared, I'M player one. YOU'RE player two. Jared: I don't wanna be player two! He just digs with the sucky pickaxe. I want the one with the shovel. Nick: Jared, they're exactly the same! Jared: Then why don't YOU be player two? Nick: scoffs I'm not using that stinky pickaxe. Jared: HAH! SEE?! (Source: Regular Show) (Jared Murphy, Nick Murphy)

Zane: After what happened to Aya-chan that last episode, I couldn't sleep for days. Sarah: Zane, have you talked to a psychiatrist about this? Zane: He didn't understand. (Source: Rugrats) (Zane Kessler, Sarah Reinholt)

Jonas: If you wanna be a winner, you have to learn the four Fs of leadership: Fearlessness, Fairness, Firmness, and Control. Nate: "Control" isn't an F. Jonas: Well then it's…three Fs and a C. Chloe: Sounds like your report card. (Source: Salute Your Shorts) (Jonas Corbin, Nate Kellerman, Brad Thompson)

Mark: You know what makes us a team? Nick: We all wear the same color tank tops! (Source: Salute Your Shorts) (Mark Seaver, Nick Murphy)

Jared: Um, Nick, Mark just gave half the peace sign to Principal Mazlish back there. Nick: Which half? (Source: Salute Your Shorts) (Jared Murphy, Nick Murphy)

singing at a school assembly Nate: Foxwood High… Kiera: We hold you in our heart… Brad: And when we think about you- Jonas: It makes me wanna fart! students laugh Principal Mazlish: It's "I hope we never part"! Now get it right or pay the price! (Source: Salute Your Shorts) (Nate Kellerman, Kiera Bernhardt, Brad Thompson, Jonas Corbin, Viktor Mazlish)

Mark: I'm sorry I ate your Skittles. Chloe: I’m sorry I pushed you off the bench. Mark: It's okay. Wait. When did you- Chloe: pushes Mark off the bench Mark: I deserved that. (Source: Sam and Cat) (Mark Seaver, Chloe Seaver)

Brad: Have you asked Kiera out yet? Jonas: Well, technically not yet, but in my mind, we already have children. (Source: Saved by the Bell) (Brad Thompson, Jonas Corbin)

Connor: If someone is standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can’t decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. (Source: Scrubs) (Connor Urquhart)

Mark: Hey, idiot. Jonas: turns around Mark: Heh. I said "idiot" and you turned around. (Source: Scrubs) (Mark Seaver, Jonas Corbin)

Jonas: I feel like my old self again: totally inadequate, completely insecure. (Source: Seinfeld) (Jonas Corbin)

Adrian: I never think of myself as being a ferret owner. Terra's more like a friend. (Source: Snoopy Come Home) (Adrian Bernhardt)

Alicia: I’m going to start being more assertive, if that’s okay with everyone. (Source: Someecards) (Alicia Ramsey)

Chloe (to Connor): ♪ Here he is, the biggest douche in the universe. In all the galaxy, there’s no bigger douche than you. You’ve reached the top. The pinnacle of douchedom. Good going douche, your dreams have come true. ♪ (Source: South Park) (Chloe Seaver)

Chloe: Tell him off, Alicia! Assert yourself! Alicia: That's my ice cream cone. Chloe: Great, now let him have it! Alicia: You can have it. (Source: Spongebob Squarepants) (Chloe Seaver, Alicia Ramsey)

Kiera: Jonas…I'm not perfect. Jonas: See, you have to say that because you're modest, which is just another aspect of your perfection. (Source: Stargate SG-1) (Kiera Bernhardt, Jonas Corbin)

Nate: You should've done this earlier! Jonas: In my defense, I forgot. (Source: Steven Universe) (Nate Kellerman, Jonas Corbin)

Jonas: I thought you didn’t like to play the hero. Mark: Doesn’t mean I don’t know how. (Source: Teen Titans) (Jonas Corbin, Mark Seaver)

Lydia: Morgan! I'm going to try to beat the world record of most spaghetti eaten in one hour. Wanna be my official witness? Morgan: Um… (Source: Teen Titans) (Lydia Renfrew, Morgan Urquhart)

Kiera (about Samantha): Her threats seemed pretty legit for a five-year-old. (Source: Texts from Last Night) (Kiera Bernhardt)

Connor (to Mark): You know, I appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person. (Source: Texts from Last Night) (Connor Urquhart)

Stephen: Kiera, we need to have a talk, as father to daughter. Kiera: Oh, don't worry, Dad. Adrian already had that talk with me. Deborah: faints (Source: The Adventures of Pete and Pete) (Stephen Bernhardt, Kiera Bernhardt, Deborah Bernhardt)

Kiera: Your sister is something else. Brad: We're still trying to figure out what. (Source: The Angry Beavers) (Kiera Bernhardt, Brad Thompson)

Principal Mazlish: Miss Beaumont, do you have something you would like to tell me? Jadyn: Do you want the truth or my side of the story? (Source: The Brak Show) (Viktor Mazlish, Jadyn Beaumont)

Chloe: Being awesome makes me hungry. (Source: The Goldbergs) (Chloe Seaver)

Chloe (about Jonas): He annoys me so much, I just want to kiss his stupid face. (Source: The Goldbergs) (Chloe Seaver)

Brad: What'd you do, Jonas? Jonas: Something stupid, but I don’t want to talk about it. Chloe: Good! We don’t want to hear about it. (Source: The Lion King) (Brad Thompson, Jonas Corbin, Chloe Seaver)

Jared: Oh, Mark, it's just you. Nick: We were afraid it was someone important! (Source: The Lion King) (Jared Murphy, Nick Murphy)

Mark: Chloe? Chloe: Yeah? Mark: I miss Connor. Chloe: I don't. (Source: The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack) (Mark Seaver, Chloe Seaver)

Chloe: I would never say this to Jonas' face, but he is a wonderful person and really smart. Alicia: Why, why wouldn’t you say that to his face? (Source: The Office) (Chloe Seaver, Alicia Ramsey)

Susan: We're off to the Parent/Teacher conference. We'll bring back dinner. Jessica: What are we gonna have? Paul: Well, that depends on what the teachers say, if you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad… uh, let's see… poison. Jessica: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad? Jadyn: Poison pizza. Paul: Oh no! I'm not making two stops! (Source: The Simpsons) (Susan Beaumont, Jessica Beaumont, Paul Beaumont, Jadyn Beaumont)

Paul: You can’t say that about my kids! Or at least two of ‘em. (Source: The Simpsons) (Paul Beaumont)

Richard: Uh, I'd like some flowers. Valerie: What kind of flowers? Richard: You know, pretty ones, not dead. Valerie: We have some beautiful long-stem roses. They're $55 a dozen. Richard: One, please. (Source: The Simpsons) (Richard Corbin, Valerie Seaver)

Kiera: Why don't you let people see the good in you? Connor: Because when people see good, they expect good. And I don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations. (Source: The Vampire Diaries) (Kiera Bernhardt, Connor Urquhart)

Jonas: If being cool is a crime, then you can call me- Brad: A law-abiding citizen. (Source: Tiktok) (Jonas Corbin, Brad Thompson)

Jonas: Can someone tell me why my five-year-old half-sister is such a savage? (Source: Tiktok) (Jonas Corbin)

Chloe: Someone needs to explain…no, seriously. Someone needs to explain…why in the world…is my hedgehog so CUTE?! (Source: Tiktok) (Chloe Seaver)

Adrian: I wouldn’t need to learn how to manage my anger if more people would manage their stupidity. (Source: Tiktok) (Adrian Bernhardt)

Kiera (looking at the stars): Isn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? Jonas (looking at her): Yeah, I guess so. (Source: Tumblr) (Kiera Bernhardt, Jonas Corbin)

Connor: A bad reputation is better than no reputation at all. (Source: Tumblr) (Connor Urquhart)

Mark: How do you keep an idiot waiting? Nick: I don't know, how? Mark: I'll tell you later. Nick: Okay. 30 minutes later Nick: Wait a damn second… Mark: laughing (Source: Tumblr) (Mark Seaver, Nick Murphy)

Chloe: eats shrimp Mark: Cannibalism. Chloe: I will punt you through a window. (Source: Tumblr) (Chloe Seaver, Mark Seaver)

Valerie: Who spilled orange juice in the kitchen? Mark: Not me. Chloe: Not me. Justin: Not me. Valerie: What, so the orange juice just spilled itself? Mark: I never did trust that orange juice. (Source: Tumblr) (Valerie Seaver, Mark Seaver, Chloe Seaver, Justin Seaver)

Colin: Are you ever going to listen to me? Peter: Yes. Absolutely. Colin: When? Peter: When you're right. (Source: Tumblr) (Colin Gardner, Peter Gardner)

Connor: I feel weird, like someone took all my problems away and everything is good in the world. Mark: …That's called happiness, Connor. (Source: Tumblr) (Connor Urquhart, Mark Seaver)

Mark: See, the problem with getting older is you get in more and more trouble for decking your siblings. (Source: Tumblr) (Mark Seaver)

Jonas: Why’s Alicia crying? Kiera: She thinks she stepped on a ladybug. Jonas: Thinks? Kiera: It was a red M&M. (Source: Tumblr) (Jonas Corbin, Kiera Bernhardt)

Kiera: picks up Lilith Explain to me why you’re so cute. Lilith: Meow. Kiera: Fascinating. (Source: Tumblr) (Kiera Bernhardt, Lilith)

Mia: Lovey-dovey bitch syndrome is destroying my brain. (Source: Tumblr) (Mia Thompson)

Brad: Who would have thought you have a soft side, Mia? Mia: I don’t. Brad: shows her a picture of Jonas Mia: lips trembling Fuck. (Source: Tumblr) (Brad Thompson, Mia Thompson)

Chloe: I’m short, which means that all my rage is concentrated. (Source: Tumblr) (Chloe Seaver)

Lauren: No! You don’t get any pets after peeing on the carpet! Dandelion: climbs in her lap Lauren: … Lauren: starts petting Dandelion You're lucky you're adorable. (Source: Tumblr) (Lauren Reinholt, Dandelion)

Chloe: Do I look like I give a fuck about you? Jonas: You're holding my hand and gazing into my eyes. (Source: Tumblr) (Chloe Seaver, Jonas Corbin)

Connor: First of all, don’t you ever accuse me of having morals, narrative or otherwise, ever again. (Source: Tumblr) (Connor Urquhart)

Connor: punches Morgan in the shoulder Morgan: Ow! What was that for? Connor: I don't know yet, but I'm sure you've done something. (Source: Tumblr) (Connor Urquhart, Morgan Urquhart)

Connor: You're annoying. Morgan: But you love me. Connor: Doesn't make you any less annoying. (Source: Tumblr) (Connor Urquhart, Morgan Urquhart)

Chloe: Request for you not to be a bitch. Mia: Request denied. (Source: Tumblr) (Chloe Seaver, Mia Thompson)

Morgan: Connor, you’re my brother and I love you. But you are a great big bag of dicks. (Source: Tumblr) (Morgan Urquhart)

Brad: Please, Jonas…after everything we went through together. You can’t do this. Jonas: I'm sorry, Brad. Brad: I'm begging you, don't do it. Jonas: It has to be done… Brad: … Jonas: … Brad: … Jonas (placing a Draw-4 card): Uno. (Source: Tumblr) (Brad Thompson, Jonas Corbin)

Connor: I’m much more than a pretty face. Chloe: Since when do you have a pretty face? (Source: Tumblr) (Connor Urquhart, Chloe Seaver)

Morgan: Sibling fights don’t end in apology. Connor and I just walk around the house and don’t talk to each other for a couple hours and then one of us will pop our head in the other’s room and ask if we want food. (Source: Tumblr) (Morgan Urquhart)

Nick: The fact that I’m considered an adult is both terrifying and hilarious. (Source: Tumblr) (Nick Murphy)

Zane: carves "Zane + Sarah" into a tree Sarah: What a nerd. adds "4-Ever" (Source: Tumblr) (Zane Kessler, Sarah Reinholt)

Mia: How come Jonas still doesn't understand that I like him? Jasmine: All you do is stare at him like a creep, and when you’re actually talking to each other, you’re mean to him. Mia: I'm not mean. That's me flirting. Jasmine: Oh boy. (Source: Tumblr) (Mia Thompson, Jasmine Kessler)

Morgan: You need anger management classes. Connor: You need shut the fuck up classes. (Source: Tumblr) (Morgan Urquhart, Connor Urquhart)

Morgan: When I was six, my brother told me that old people sag because they’re being pulled to hell and I cried. (Source: Tumblr) (Morgan Urquhart)

Nate (bad at flirting): I like your name. Alicia (equally as bad): Thanks, I got it for my birthday. (Source: Tumblr) (Nate Kellerman, Alicia Ramsey)

Alicia: I have to do something scary today. politely asks for something incredibly reasonable (Source: Twitter) (Alicia Ramsey)

Mark: People be like “it cost $0 to be kind” like being mean isn’t free too. (Source: Twitter) (Mark Seaver)

Nate: My problem is that I expect everyone to have common sense, and they don’t. (Source: Twitter) (Nate Kellerman)

Kiera: Cat logic is so simple yet so effective. Don't like something? Smack it as far away from you as possible. Flawless reasoning. (Source: Twitter) (Kiera Bernhardt)

watching a movie Samantha: What's happening? Jonas: I don't know. Samantha: Why not? Jonas: You keep asking questions. (Source: Twitter) (Samantha Corbin, Jonas Corbin)

Donna: Help me fold the laundry. Jonas: Why? Donna: So we can put it away. Jonas: Or we could just leave it in the laundry basket and pull it out as we need it. Donna: There’s a flaw in your plan, but I’m not seeing it. (Source: Twitter) (Donna Corbin, Jonas Corbin)

Kiera: I tell Lilith “I know” whenever she talks to me, but truthfully? I have no idea. (Source: Twitter) (Kiera Bernhardt)

Connor: I hate to brag, but I can make a therapist anxious. (Source: Twitter) (Connor Urquhart)

Nate: I swear I'm the only one here with a braincell… Jonas and Brad: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell! (Source: Twitter) (Nate Kellerman, Jonas Corbin, Brad Thompson)

Principal Mazlish: We have a ten dollar fine for swearing on campus. Connor: Shit. Principal Mazlish: Pay up. Connor: hands him a twenty Keep the fucking change. (Source: Twitter) (Viktor Mazlish, Connor Urquhart)

Lauren: As an older sister, I can confirm we are the backbone of society and deserve financial compensation. (Source: Twitter) (Lauren Reinholt)

Jonas: Whoever said that all women are delicate and friendly obviously never met Chloe. (Source: Twitter) (Jonas Corbin)

Connor: Anything that comes out of your mouth is stupid. Morgan: Connor. Connor: internal rage (Source: Twitter) (Connor Urquhart, Morgan Urquhart)

Thom (watching the news): Some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium. Kyle (covered in ink): Maybe the squid was being a dick. (Source: Twitter) (Thom Anderson, Kyle Levy)

Kiera: When I woke up this morning, I meditated, did 50 push-ups, drank green tea and went for a 30-minute walk. Jonas: When I woke up, I spent an hour just waking up. (Source: Twitter) (Kiera Bernhardt, Jonas Corbin)

Connor: Today was awful. Morgan (trying to be positive): Tomorrow is a new day! Connor: Is that a threat? (Source: Twitter) (Connor Urquhart, Morgan Urquhart)

Kiera (babysitting Samantha): Hey. Let’s play a game. It’s called “See who can be quiet the longest.” Samantha: Cool! My mommy and daddy love that game! (Source: Up) (Kiera Bernhardt, Samantha Corbin)

Connor: I’d ask why you’re upset, but I don’t care. (Source: Victorious) (Connor Urquhart)

Lauren: I'm a lesbian. Jessica: I thought you were American. (Source: Vine) (Lauren Reinholt, Jessica Beaumont)

Mia: I saw you hanging out with Jonas yesterday. Chloe: M-Mia! It's not what you think! Mia: I WON'T HESITATE, BITCH! cocks toy gun (Source: Vine) (Mia Thompson, Chloe Seaver)

Sarah: There’s only three things guaranteed in life: death, taxes, and a group of theater kids eating at Denny’s after their last production of Hamlet. (Source: Vine) (Sarah Reinholt)

Kiera: When playing Mario Kart, there's that one friend. Jonas: Alright! Let's do Rainbow Road! Brad and Chloe: … Kiera: Don't be that friend. Jonas: screams as the gang lock him in a closet (Source: Vine) (Kiera Bernhardt, Jonas Corbin, Brad Thompson, Chloe Seaver)

Mark: Please, be nice to my siblings. I’m the only one allowed to torment them. (Source: Winx Club) (Mark Seaver)

Jonas: I love when you pretend to be mean. Mark: Well, I’m not pretending, but thank you. (Source: Wizards of Waverly Place) (Jonas Corbin, Mark Seaver)

Brad: God, I love Nephilim, there is no one better. Jonas: Wrong, Kiera is the most amazing person in the world. (Source: YouTube) (Brad Thompson, Jonas Corbin)

Lydia: I wonder who invented the meatball. Morgan: What do you mean, 'invented'? Lydia: Well, some guy back in the fifteenth century must have said, "Yes, meat is good, but it would be even better in ball form." (Source: Zoey 101) (Lydia Renfrew, Morgan Urquhart)

Jonas: Are you an ‘arr’ pirate or a ‘yo ho ho’ pirate? Nate: I’m a ‘I’m not paying $600 for Photoshop’ pirate. (Source: Incorrect Quotes Generator) (Jonas Corbin, Nate Kellerman)

[fromanartistsheart2]

https://fb.watch/hlKn7Jhw5K/?mibextid=RUbZ1f

Follow the link to see what inspired my song

"Santa Bunny"

Santa Bunny...

Just slip a few eggs under the tree...for me...tried to b a good girl

Santa Bunny

So hop along to my house tonight!

Santa Bunny

Another working vehicle for him, to

I'll wait up for u, babe

Santa Bunny, so hop along to my house tonight!

Think of all the good I've did

Think of all the bad things I could've done

Next year I could b just as bad

If u look @ it as "just fun"

Santa Bunny we need another car

That will go real far

Been an angel (not me!)

Santa Bunny, so hop along to my house tonight!

Santa Bunny, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring

But for my dear husband

Santa Bunny, so hop along to my house tonight!

Won't u please, please hurry Santa Bunny?

Hop along to my house tonight!

© From A Poet's ❤️

12/10/22

[walnutsthings]