#Deadnames. deadname. Birth names. Birth name Queer abuse Lgbtqa+

[tree4life25]

Deadnames/Birth names

So. Deadnames. Those are a thing. When I first learned what that meant, just like with homosexuality, I kinda just shrugged it off, thinking it was something that would never apply to me. I wasn't against it, I would be completely supportive of anyone that it did apply to, but I never thought it would apply to me. And yet, here we are. And yes, when I first learned what homosexuality was, in any form, (gay, lesbian, bi, pan, etc.) I honestly didn't think I was anything but straight and now I just laugh at my younger self. Anyways, back to what I originally wanted to talk about. For those of you that don't know, a deadname, also referred to as birth name, is the name that someone was given at birth or the name that they were called growing up but for whatever reason, they did not want to be referred to by that name anymore. There are a lot of reasons why someone might change their name, whether they just really really don't like their birth name, or they have bad memories attached to that name, etc. Another reason why someone might change their name is because of their gender. A lot of people that are part of the lgbtqa+ community change their name, and that would most likely be attributed to the t, q, and + part of the community. Once again, to anyone that doesn't know, the t stands for transgender, the q for queer/questioning (I apologize to those that see queer as a slur for the lgbtqa+ community, I don't mean to offend anyone. I know that the lgbtqa+ community is doing everything we can to reclaim that word and use it in a positive way but unfortunately not everyone feels comfortable with using it as such yet. I am someone who does use it in a positive way, as an umbrella term for the community and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone.) And the + is for every gender identity and sexuality that is not represented through a letter already here, like pansexual and non binary, etc. I don't think it's very hard to understand why someone who is transgender might want to change their name. If someone is a transgender man, it wouldn't exactly be comfortable for him to be called the feminine name that he was given at birth. Same for a trans girl, she wouldn't want to be called a guys name. There's also the non binary part of the community, someone who is non binary might not want to be called a name that is very feminine or very masculine. Depending on how they feel, they might want a gender neutral name, like Jessy or Robin. There's people like me who would rather have a shortened name that is technically gender neutral but could stand for anything. My name is Will, it could stand for William or Willow, you'll never know. There's a lot of gender neutral names like that, Alex, Max, Sam, Chris, Charlie, etc. Someone who is nonbinary doesn't have to have a gender neutral name though, they can have a feminine or masculine name if they'd like, it really depends on the person. I have a non binary friend named Michael. Not a very gender neutral name but then again, it's their life so they can do whatever the fuck they want. (I'm a bit defensive of them, I love my friends and I will not have anyone say anything bad about them) There are many different reasons for someone wanting to change their name. One thing that I don't think is discussed too much, at least that I've seen, is deadnames and the relationship someone might have with their deadname. From what I've seen and heard and read, there are a few different kinds of relationships that people can have with their deadnames. Now, before you start saying "relationship? It's a name, you can't have any kind of relationship with a name!" Take a second and think. I know for some that might be hard, as you don't do it too often, (those people that leave anons telling others to kill themselves or are just generally hateful in any way) but just really try. In fact, think about the relationship that you have with your name. You are you. Your name is a name. There is a 99% chance that someone else on earth either has the same name as you or that someone in history had the same name as you. It's just a general name. The relationship you have with that name is that it is yours. Think about your best friends name. The relationship you have with that name is that it's the name of your best friend. Whenever you hear that name again, you will think of your best friend. Sometimes there will be a name that you have no relationship with. That is because you don't know anyone with that name. It is a new name to you. Sometimes these relationships are great, like your best friends name or your favorite actors name. Sometimes these relationships are bad, the name of your least favorite teacher or of someone that hurt you in some way. Some are neutral, like the name of that girl that sits in front of you in class that you've never spoken to. You don't know her, you don't really have any opinion of her, that's neutral. You don't have any positive or negative connotations with that name. I've found that a lot of people unfortunately have very bad relationships with their deadnames. They hear that name, even if it's not in reference to them, and they get very upset. If referred to by their deadname, they get triggered and very anxious or depressed, maybe both.That is a bad relationship with a deadname, when someone gets upset by just the mention of it. Some people probably have a good reason for that, such as it might be the name that they were called by an abuser or where bullied for, but it's still something that can be worked through. It's important to work through any negative connotations that you might have with a certain name, whether it's because it's your deadname or even if it's just the name of someone you didn't like, because you might find yourself one day faced with a situation where someone in your life has that name and you can't afford to get so upset. For example, a boss or a coworker might be named the same name that you were named at birth, your deadname and you can't afford to be so upset by that name anymore. No one is saying you have to love that name, no one is saying you have to get over it right now, but if you or someone you know gets very easily upset by just the mention of their deadname, it is something that needs to be worked on. I am personally not upset by my deadname at all. My birth name is illana. I think it's a beautiful name and the meaning behind it is great and the reason I was named that at birth is an amazing reason. I hold no animosity towards my birth name, I never have and I never will. I don't get upset when people that know my name is Will accidentally call me illana. Depending on the situation, I just politely correct them and move on, although if my anxiety is bad, I just don't say anything because anxiety. I know that my family is never going to refer to me as anything other than illana even when I get a legal name change and I'm fine with that. And it's not something that I'm ever going to lose either, that part of me that is illana. I don't like to say deadname when I'm referring to myself and the name illana because it's not a part of me that I'm ashamed of or that I want dead. I prefer to say birth name. For a long time, I was illana. That's who I was. And that time in my life is never going to change, it's never going to be any different than it was because it's the past and when it happened, I was illana, not Will. There are parts of my time as illana that I love and I never want to forget but ultimately, that's not me anymore and I'm fine with that. This is who I am now and it's very different to who I was back then. Illana and Will are two different parts of me from different times in my life but they are both still me and I wouldn't change that even if I had the option. I'm not ashamed of illana and I never will be. At one point, I was. I was ashamed of everything I was, everything I did. I was ashamed of being illana, I hated hearing my own name because it reminded me of everything wrong I'd ever done and it hurt so much to think about. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted a new start. And I can be someone else, but that doesn't mean I have to start from scratch. I can be Will, someone I've always wanted to be and have thought about for so long but that doesn't mean I have to cut out any and all parts of illana. And I haven't. I have become the person I wanted to be for so long, that I never thought I could be, while still managing to keep almost all the parts of my life that I love and never wanted to lose, even when I was ashamed to be me. I don't have a negative relationship with my birth name. I don't get upset when I hear it, I don't push that part of me away, I don't bury it so far down so that no one can ever find it. I'm not illana anymore but that doesn't mean I resent the part of my life when I was. It's a part of me, that's never going to change and I don't want it to because without that part of my life, I wouldn't be where I am now and I honestly love where I am right now with myself. I'm by no means ok, I still have a lot of things to work through, but when I think of where I am now compared to where I was just a year ago, I am so happy with my progress and a big part of that progress was learning to not be so ashamed of who I was in the past. That was me then, this is me now and I don't know what I'll be like in the future but I am working hard to make sure that I am never ashamed of any part of me, including who I was when I was illana. Whether you call it a deadname, a birth name, or whatever, it's not something to ever be ashamed of. It's not something you have to be afraid of. It's not the easiest thing in the world, it's probably a lot harder for some people to have a good relationship with their deadname than others but it's important to try. It's important to have a good relationship with yourself and your past. And if you don't know where to start, you don't know how to get over the fear of your deadname and all the negative emotions that you hold for that name, I can give you a start, a little push. A motto. Your new motto, for every time you hear that name and you start spiraling down that hole of shame and fear. That's not you anymore. When you hear that name or read it or anything and you start to feel all those bad feelings, just tell yourself over and over, that's not me. I am not that person. That is not my name. I am not the same person now as I was when I had that name. It no longer applies to me. That is not me anymore. And even if people do still call you by that name, if there are people that will never call you any thing but that name, you just keep telling yourself, that is not me. They can call me that but I know better. I know me and that's not me. It once was but not anymore. Find some people that you feel comfortable with and maybe tell them. I know that it really helps me to have people calling me Will even though some people still call me illana. Even when only one person knew me as Will and called me Will, it still helped so much. And now, I have a lot of people calling me Will. My internet friends were the first people and then when I finally talked to my school counselor and my teachers, they started calling me Will too and it makes me so happy that they do. At home, I'm still illana and I always will be but I know that doesn't mean that's who I am. Please, for your own happiness and mental health, try to do this. Find someone you trust and even if you can't, you don't want anyone to know yet, just tell yourself that that is not you anymore. It may seem small and stupid even, but that's not true. You have a right to be called by the name you want to be called and if the people in your life currently aren't willing to call you that and you can't find anyone who is, then you have to do it yourself. Be your own support until you can find someone to help. It can be hard, ridiculously hard at times, but it is so worth it in the end, I promise. And if you don't have anyone, I'll do it. Send me a message or an ask with your name, the name you want to be called but can't due to circumstances and I will call you that name. I will answer your messages with that name, I will answer your asks with that name (if you prefer to remain on anon sign off with an emoji so I know who it is), I will do everything I can to help you feel comfortable with who you are. I will try to help you feel comfortable with your name, I will try to help you not feel ashamed or upset with your deadname and I will support you through every time you feel invalidated because of your name. It's your life, your name, and you deserve to be proud of who you are. Ps, I'm really not the best with tagging so if you feel there is something that hasn't been tagged that should be, please let me know what it is and how you think it would be best to tag it. I never want to trigger anyone in any way. Thank you!