#Deadass broke my mental health break for this

[gunkbaby]

Tumblr is literally just 4chan for gay people idc

[sublimecatgalaxy]

hi! i'm inspired by the other ask you got. could you do another 'open the door' prompt but this time with reader and fezco? it can be a little angsty or really angsty, whatever you'd like!

Hell yeah.

Combining this with another ask that I got, "I’ve binged all of your blurbs and fics and head cannons and I’m in love with your writing! I know you’re swamped with asks but I can’t stop thinking about fez helping you calm down from a panic/anxiety attack <3"

Not proofread.

"Baby, can you open the door?" Fez asks, his knuckles rapping softly against the bathroom door as I clutch my knees to my chest. Tears stream down my cheeks as my thoughts wander, intrusive and dark. Fez could tell that I had been suffering for the last few days, the weight on my shoulders just growing heavier and heavier, but today was the day that my back finally broke.

I let out a quiet sob, my eyes fluttering shut as Fez continues to speak softly on the other side of the wood. He's worried, I know he is, he's always worried about me in his well being. He really hadn't seen the severity of mental health issues, but with me, he was starting to recognize that it was much more serious than he originally thought.

"Please jus' lemme in, ma." He whispers, his voice exasperated as the doorknob jiggles, the lock on the door taunting me. I wanted to reach out, to flip it and let him in to comfort me. But my head is filled with embarrassed thoughts, worrying that he'll run for the hills if he sees the state that I'm in. "I'm gonna break down the door if you don't let me in, I'm deadass." He grits, my eyes rolling out of frustration as I reach up, flicking the lock as the door opens quietly.

He looks down at me with sad eyes, immediately moving to sit next to me on the floor. His hand takes mine in his as he pulls me to his chest, my whole body moving to slide on top of his. My arms wrap around his neck as he coos, pressing a kiss to the side of my head.

"What's goin' on, mamas? Talk to me." He whispers, his strong arms caging me against him as my body relaxes a bit, my worries and concerns leaving my lips like word vomit, spewing everything and anything that I'm feeling. I let him in on every aspect of my life, the things that he already knew along with the things that I had yet to tell him until now. He just listens silently, his chin resting on my shoulder. "I'm sorry you got all that on these little shoulders." He whispers, the words making me laugh tearily as I pull back. His eyes are soft as he looks up at me, his gaze flickering over my face. "Kiss me." I do as he says, my lips finding his as I hum, the intimate moment warming my heart. "Now, get off your ass and let's go shopping or some shit."

[i-may-be-stupit]

Idk the horney got me, so here we are HAHAHAHA 18+ and kinda a bit of crack at times, ENJOY!!!!! Oh! And this is reletively gender neutral, babes!!

Your name is (Y/N) (L/N). And you've always been known as a good kid. That is until your father was murdered by a hero. He did a lot of dirty work, sure, but he did it for his family to survive. And when a hero took him down, everyone cheered. They never though about his family. Nor his place in the world. They saw him as dirt. The same way you started seeing heros.

To you, heros didn't care about the villians and didn't care whether they died or lived. They were savage beasts who needed to be taken down. You became a villian. You would assassinate hero after hero with the simple tittle of "Marrow." And that's when you met the League.

They had the same ideals as you and could help make your dream a reality.

You joined the League, but you were still you. You were a seemingly innocent flower that blossomed in any form of villainous mayhem.

Your quirk was known as simply bone manipulation. You could manipulate your bones however you pleased and you could even shoot them out like needles. But, you were at higher risk for osteoporosis.

Its been 6 months since then and you've made yourself at home with the LOV. Twice and Toga were your closest friends now, but Shigaraki just hits different.

You'd go out and have fun with your two close friends, and to be honest, you're pretty sure that you three had pulled every prank possible on Dabi. Kurogiri was like a dad to you now. He gave lots of great advice and made sure that you kept up with your online college classes in between villian duties.

But shigaraki was a whole other story.

I mean, he was usually crule and hateful towards everyone, but the League was his soft spot. He treats members like family. He cherishes them. Even if he doesn't say it. He almost always have been putting them first.

And it made you kind of...attracted to him.

Yeah, he was dryer than the Saharan Desert, and had a diet of strictly microwavable ramen and redbull, but he was actually a good guy. You caught yourself staring at him a few times per day and your crush on him was appearant to you as well as all the other members.

So here you were, staring in awe at Tomura as he and Dabi played against eachother in Mortal Kombat. (They'd fight at least once a day, so Kurogiri made up the idea of fighting in Mortal combat instead whenever they got fed up with eachother) You blushed, seeing Shigaraki so serious. Ugh, there's just something about him...

Toga walked into the room and sat down in the loveseat next to you. She smirked before loudly announcing, "Gee, (Y/N)! It looks like your boyfriend, Tomura, is winning!" You started choking her.

No, deadass.

You fucking wrapped your hands around her neck and violently shook her head back and forth like Bart and Homer Simpson. Toga just laughed and moaned, causing you to feel too violated to keep choking her. You let go and as you did, Shigaraki stood up and started making fun of Dabi for being a "Bitch ass loser."

You blushed deeply, eyes lidded while gazing at the crusty boy. All you could see was Shigaraki, hearts around him as he did his breathtaking victory dance in slow motion. His gorgeous, dehydrated body swayed and jiggled happily as he jumped a few times, white specs gently fluttered from his head. His dandruff glistening in the florescent lights, as you sighed, absolutely smitten. Dabi rolled his eyes at his boss before looking at you. He then smirked. This cant be good.

Dabi chuckled. "Oh okay, Shiggy, you beat me fair and square." Shigaraki looked at him suspiciously. "It's okay though." He smirked, "Because I'm sure that (Y/N) can give me a little pick-me-up!"

The white haired boy glarred at Dabi then at you. Dabi slyly slipped over to you and Toga. He grabbed you be your wrist and pulled you up to stand. You were too flustered out of your mind to even do anything. He wrapped both of his hands around your waist. "Isn't that right, baby?"

You laughed awkwardly, "Dabi, not to be rude or anything, but you seem like a heavy man and I don't know if I could manage carrying all of your body weight if I were to pick you up, I mean my bones are kinda brittle as they are and-"

He brought his face to yours and kissed your neck softly. "We're gonna have some fun tonight, right?" You fucking hit him with a suplex, a small crack being heard from your hip. God damn it, your fucking brittle ass bones! Everyone burst out in laughter (aside from Kurogiri who was facepalming). Dabi sat on the floor rubbing his head in pain. "Fuck, (Y/N)! It was a joke!"

You folded your arms and frowned. "Well don't joke around with me like that!" Heat rose to your cheeks, "Especially in front of T-Tomura..." You looked at your boss to see him still too busy laughing at Dabi getting backflipped. You smiled shyly, holding your cheeks and wiggling like the love sick shit you are. He's so dreamy~ oh my, is he coughing up blood from laughing too hard?

You looked in disgust for a moment before sighing loudly. Ugh, it's so sexy when he coughs up blood! Shigaraki looked at his hand before licking the blood back into his mouth like a fucking heathen-

Sorry.

Your fucking heathen.

Later that night, everyone was out and about, leaving you and Shigaraki alone. He was drinking a glass of rum and coke as you doodled in a little notebook. You looked up to see him staring at you already. You both quickly looked away. It's been rough lately, dealing with your crush on him.

And Tomura was catching on.

Well, kinda.

He thinks he's really ugly and unworthy of love, so he thinks you just stare at him because you're still taken back at how hideous (he believes) he is. He's been wearing Father on his face more often and been getting more easily upset at you. But, he was also confused because he was starting to like your fragile self.

He's scared that he'll break you with one tap of the finger. That's just how fragile you seem. Shigaraki smiled softly, staring deeply into his glass.

(Y/N) seems so fragile, but they're a god damn hurricane.

Shigaraki swirled his cup around, deep in thought. How can they fight so well when they seem so brittle? It's strange. It's unexpected... It's interesting. Your boss' cheeks turned a tint of pink. (Y/N) can pull off a suplex on Dabi. Their back bent so far... I wonder what (Y/N) looks like arching it for me... He looked over at your figure. You were awkwardly dangling your feet off the couch, seeming to be lost in thought. Tomura sighed and took another whisk of his drink. They're way too cute for me...

There's been a lot of awkward times with you two alone. And you could both feel the tension. Shigaraki left to his room with a small sigh. He hates basically everything. But you? He might just love you.

You two hung out a lot actually. You'd play videogames together and have small movie nights for the two of you. You vividly remembered cuddling up beside him one winter night. It was snowing and you two chatted while sitting on the floor making Smores in the fireplace.

But it got harder and harder to be around eachother when you both started liking eachother. It got...awkward. And the night that Tomura asked you if you wanted to watch a horror movie with you and got a concerned face from you was the night his heart broke. You just didn't want to accidentally grab him at a jumpscare and have him laugh at you for being a pussy. But he thought that you just didnt trust him.

You sighed, thinking about that shitty night, and walked to Shigaraki's room. You had to tell him about your feelings. You knocked softly and was allowed to enter. Shigaraki was sitting in bed, wide awake, just sitting there, staring at the wall in front of him in thought.

You sat awkwardly on his bed in a tense silence for a good minute as the man just stared awkwardly at you through the hand on his face. Shigaraki sighed when he noticed you werent going to say anything, and he set Father down on his nightstand.

"(Y/N), I feel uncomfortable with you staring at me all the time." Heat rushed to your cheeks and you stared harder at the  ground. "I get that I'm ugly, but you should know how rude it is to stare-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" You glarred at him, anger boiling up. "The fuck did you just call yourself?!"

He glarred right back at you. "I said I was ugly, did I stutter?"

Yeah. Youre choosing to ignore that attitude. "Tomura, you're not ugly."

He rolled his eyes. "There is literally no other reason for you to be staring at me that much, mutt."

You folded your arms with a frown. "I think you're handsome."

He laughed.

He laughed hard as hell.

For a good 3 minutes straight.

"Oh thats a good one, (Y/N)! You know, I'm actually enjoying you-"

"I'm serious!" You poked his chest hard while getting closer to his face, your eyebrows furrowed in annoyance. "I think you have pretty eyes!" You poked him again, "You have a pretty face!" You poked him one last time, "And you're an amazing leader!" Shigaraki went silent with a blush and so did you. You twittled your fingers together, looking away timidly. "I-uh... I think I l-like you, actually."

Tomura chuckled breathlessly with concern for your mental health, eyes darting around uncomfortably. "Are you being...serious...?"

"Mm-hm..."

"Oh....okay." He awkwardly looked away from you with a small blush. Hes never had anyone like him romantically. Actually, not a lot of people even like him generally. And it made it extra weird with you being so damn cute and funny to him. 

You layed down on his bed, anxiety rushing through you. It was weird to tell your boss that you liked him. I mean, its probably gonna be awkward between you two forever! Tomura layed down next to you. His hands overlapping eachother on his chest. You looked over to him with a small awkward smile. "So-uh... do you like me back...?"

Tomura frowned. "Are you fucking dumb??" You winced and he just rolled his eyes. "It would be impossible to not fall in love with you." A small chuckle left your lips as he softly started playing in your (h/t) hair.

You frowned. "Did I say you could touch my hair?"

He rolled his eyes before lifting you up to straddle him. Heat rushed to your cheeks. And you pushed his chest away as your (e/c) eyes darted away. "T-Tomura, what are y-you doing?" You were speechless and flustered. And it wasn't helping that his hands were laying on your waist (pinkies up of course).

Tomura chuckled with a mischevious look in his eyes. He slowly moved his hands up and down your sides. "Let me play with your hair...and as a reward..." He kissed you softly on your lips. "I'll make you feel things you've never felt before...." He licked your ear and you thanked the Lord for that because it just made his mouth a lil less crusty. "Deal?" His breath tickled your ears and your breathing turned into aroused, airy breaths.

"Deal..." Shigaraki smirked before kissing you roughly, his hand engulfed in your (h/t) hair, leaving his middle finger up of course. As his tongue darted around your mouth, he pulled your hair harder, causing a wince of pain from you. His lips left yours quickly.

"Am I being too rough?"

You smiled softly at him. He cares! "Oh, just a little."

Shigaraki grinned before pulling your hair even harder. "You'll get used to that." Your eyes widened in fear and pain as he threw you onto the bed roughly. He kissed you harder, and forced your thighs open with both of his hands, pinkies up.

He laughed with arousal, pressing his clothed member against you. You sighed as he grinded against your bottoms while tongue kissing you. His hands left your thighs and brought themselves to your body. He sucked, kissed, and bit all over your neck and his indexes and thumbs twirled and pulled at your nipples under your shirt.

"Ah-!" You moaned loudly as the man sucked at your soft spot. "T-Tomura!" A small gasp left your lips and his connected to your skin. Mumbled moans came from you, your hand over your mouth. Tomura glarred the second he heard a moan muffled. "H-Hey!" He had grabbed your hand from over your mouth and tightly gripped it with four fingers, pressing it against the headboard.

He grinned widely out of nowhere, "You really thought you could get away with hiding those beautiful sounds from me?" He sat up, unbuckling his jeans. His eyes went cold as he took off his pants and boxer briefs. "I'm gonna have to get some type of...hm, whats the word?" He looked away in though before smiling and snapping his fingers, "Compensation! Yeah...and I know just what I want from you." Shigaraki push you off of the bed roughly. You fell to the floor and rubbed your arm. He sat on the king-sized in front of you with his cock in his hand. "Suck."

You frowned at him. Did he really have to push you off like that? You got on your knees between his thighs and took a good look at it.

Fuck, he's hung...

You covered your mouth with a huge blush. Where the hell did that come from?! He was a good nine inches and quite thick. You frowned at him and pointed at his cock. "The fuck am I supposed to do with this?" He frowned.

Shigaraki didnt say another word. He just grabbed you by the hair and placed it against your lips. You frowned before licking the tip softly, making him laugh breathlessly. "Fuck..." You sucked on his tip and his hand tightened around your hair, pulling a bit. He looked down at you, smirking while absolutely flustered. "Ugh, your little mouth was made for my fat cock, wasn't it, (Y/N)?" He chuckled and pressed your head forward, forcing a bit more of him inside of you. Shigaraki panted as you bobbed your head back and forth on him. "Youre such a fucking slut..." His cheeks was tinted pink as he stared down at you. Tomura started bobbing your head back and forth on him. He laughed as you gagged on him. "What? Is it too big?" Your face went even hotter. How can he be so fucking conceited yet self conscious?! The white hair boy held your face and was practically thrusting into your mouth at this point. He threw his head back and groaned as cum filled your mouth. "Fuck, (Y/N), you're good at that." He watched you like prey as you thumbed the white substance dripping down your chin. You licked your thumb and he chuckled. "How does it taste?"

You smirked at him minscheviously while getting back on the bed. You took off your bottoms and short then spread your legs. "It tastes good enough to deserve a tip, right?" Shigaraki licked his lips as he crawled in between your thighs.

He rubbed you, playing with your slit. "Did sucking me off really get you this turned on?" You flushed and covered your eyes with your forearm. Tomura smirked mischievously as he licked at you. You moaned quietly, his tongue swirling around and his finger going in and out of your hole.

He stuck his ringerfinger in and you squeaked in pleasure. "Mmm... Tomura, I-just like that..." He sucked and licked, getting more sloppy as his fingers pumped in and out of you. He pumoed faster and faster and your small groans turned into loud moaning as you orgasmed. "Fuck Tomura! Ah-!" You came in his mouth, immediately apologizing. Shigaraki just licked his now soaked fingers and you just stared at him, blushing hard as hell. You smiled softly. "H-How do I taste?"

His red eyes prowled your body as he got on top of you. Your cheeks got hotter when he strattled you. You sighed as he rubbed his manhood against you. Small, flustered moans escaped your lips at his teasing. "You taste like you were missing something." His warm breath tickled your ear, "But I'll fix that right up for you."

Tomura slowly entered you. He groaned out your name in ecstasy. You were a bit uncomfortable at first at his thickness. "W-wait, dont move yet..." You breathed in and out slowly, feeling yourself adjust to him. A groan left your lips, "O-okay..."

Tomura grinded against you, kissing your neck as your hands fiddled with his hair. He started off slow, savoring the feeling of you. He sighed into your collarbone. "God, (Y/N), you're so tight..." He cursed underneath his breath, fucking you a bit faster.

Tears pricked at your eyes. This was almost too much for you. Youve always fantasized about being with Shigaraki and now that it was happening, it felt almost too good to be true. He grinded into you deeper, filling you up fully as his hand held both of tour wrists above your head. The bed rocked as he started thrusting into you faster and deeper. "T-Tomura, you feel so good inside of me!" He groaned louder and you couldn't help but become flustered at all of his noises.

He fucked you even faster and harder. "Fuck, youre mine now, okay?" You nodded and moaned louder at him. "Oh fuck!" His white hair bounced as he pulled out and flipped you over. You were on your forearms and knees, begging for him to keep fucking you good as he thrusted in and out, his hand pulling at your hair as the other gave the occasional spank on your ass. Tomura's thrusts became sloppy as you reached your peak. You both moaned loudly, his cum pouring from inside of you. Shigaraki pulled out and immediately collapsed next to you.

You panted as his arms wrapped themselves around you. You smiled at him. "That was good, right?" He chuckled and kissed your lips.

"The best."

You two spooned as Kurogiri had an extra glass of wine, in utter disgust at when he was forced to hear.

[trickstermadness]

Hoshiai no Sora Ep 9 Discussion?

im not usually the type of person to do posts like this but this show is really making me an active blogger!!

Episode 9 of Stars Align really hit on some heavy topics, as this show likes to do, but this week felt different? While up until this point we’ve been following Maki and his story, occasionally stopping or slowing down to take a look at the other kids home lives as well, Episode 9 focused mainly on three side characters with hardly an screen time given to our main 4 character.

Todays episode showed us Nao, Shingo (with his little sister An) and Tsubasa, all of which are going through their own struggles at home.

We saw a bit of how Nao’s home life looked in episode 8 (it may have been ep 7 i don’t really remember) and it was easy to see that his mother is overbearing to the point that he shuts down. Since episode 1 came out I’ve been refering to him as “head empty, no thoughts” boy because he would just continuously come up with “fairy tales” and believe them. We now know that this is his way of coping with his mother being so over bearing that he’s not allowed to have a personality. Something I would like to point out about Nao is that he is left handed, in tennis this works in his advantage because it throws other players off, but his mom seems to dislike it and even told him to eat with his other hand. 

 Im very worried about Nao’s mental health because of something he said this episode, he said “i dont belong here. the world is wrong” or something like that, i think he’s depressed and im worried that this is hinting at a possible discussion of depression and or su*c*de.

Shingo, while im not as worried for because his dad and little half sister seem to love him very much and he seems content, doesn’t deserve the treatment that his step mother gives him. It very much sounds like she would rather “get ride” of him, in the way she was saying how things were better when he wasn’t there. It bothered me that she seemed to like her daughter more when he wasn’t around, aka when An was being less active. It’s obvious Shingo reminds her of his mother.

 I enjoyed seeing Shingo acting as an older brother this episode because we’ve heard him talk about his little sister before but seeing them interact was so wholesome and cute!! I did have genuine fear when Nao was in the infirmary with An because it was obvious he was having a mental break and i thought he might try to hurt her but nah we’re good. i mean he shouldn’t have locked her in there but nothing happened and she didnt even notice so i cant even be mad at him?

NOW! TSUBASA! I am very concerned for this kid. Stars Align has now given us two characters with physically abusive fathers, and while I dont want to compare two abuse victims situations to each other in a means to undermine one I feel like me worrying for Tsubasa a bit more (at least at the moment) is justified due to the fact that his abuser still lives with him. (I dont think his father would kill him tho and deadass i think makis father would be willing). I would also like to point out the similarity between Maki in EP 2 and Tsubasa EP 9, both claim to have fallen down the stairs when asked about their injuries :(  (( i mean TECHNICALLY its true in tsubasa’s case))

but i guess it wouldnt be a sports anime unless someone broke something at some point. I dont know about yall but just looking at his wrist caused me pain. at the very least im glad he has supportive brothers.

Hoshiai no sora seems very dedicated to making my heart hurt for these kids in some very sadly relatable ways. I just want one kid to have a happy home life,,, is that too much to ask for? 

what are yall’s thoughts on the episode?

should i make a side blog for hoshiai no sora?

[endlessgreysky]

August 10, 2.04 am

Fun thing about ptsd is that my brain protects itself from things, until it doesn’t. A lot has happened recently and I went numb for actual weeks, and I just had a tiny moment where I felt a tiny emotion and suddenly every emotion just rushed into the crack so quickly I had a panic attack.

Lost one of my friends. Out of everyone I’m friends with she’s the one I’d expect it from, she’s the one who’s problematic enough on her own that I honestly didn’t feel anything but rage at what happened. Then I felt nothing, and I felt a little weird and bad for it but it was more important how my friends were feeling anyway. The drama is between my best friend and her, so I’m just here being pissed because my best friend is my person and I’m wildly overprotective of her. But my other friend is like the ex-friend’s person, so it’s awkward bc she’s going to keep being friends with all of us and she just wants us to work it out. She talked to me about it yesterday and I’ve just been thinking about it ever since. The first thing I did when the drama happened was remove her from social media everywhere so she can’t contact me without it being a “request” so that I can choose whether or not I engage. Thinking back I’m just beating myself up because I’m so used to dealing with drama that I never stopped to think if that was the best idea in this situation. And it’s not like I’m super excited or ready or willing to let her even a tiny bit back into my life, but in all honesty everything I feel towards her regards what happens with my best friend, so if they work things out I’ll still have removed her everywhere. I guess I got so used to losing friends and everything being impermanent that it took me this long to realize the friends I’m losing now are the ones I’d started to consider family.

I’m pissed at her, a part of me hates her, a part of me never wants to even look at her face again, but it hurts. It’s just this nagging ache that I felt when I realized that she was my family for awhile and I just shattered a part of my family since she’ll always be around as long as my other friend is. And that ache is what let in all of my other feelings as something besides my numb depressed state.

My mom had someone she loved die today and threw herself into a dinner with my dads shitty fucking family right after. They condescended her because that’s what they do, they condescended me because they think she doesn’t know how to raise me, and honestly I just hate being around them and it was in the house I grew up in and it was just really uncomfortable. Not to mention that my dad exists to make me miserable. But my mom thought things were going really well and she was actually feeling great when we went home, only to find that my cousin posted the picture she took while my mom watched her take it, and tagged everyone in it except my mom. And it made my mom upset and excluded and all of those feelings which made me really upset bc no one gets to ever fucking make my mother feel that way. She deserves better. Quite honestly, I deserve better, but I don’t care enough about myself for that.

My two best friends in the entire world deserve better too. The one I talked about earlier has a lot of dumb family drama and it’s been a hell of a lot worse lately, and there’s nothing real I can do to help her besides talk about how nice it’ll be when we have an apartment together. It’s not very reassuring since I don’t even have a job yet. And her birthday is coming soon and her family is just remaining shitty as if she’s not about to turn eighteen which should be huge and exciting. And my other best friend goes through a lot and I just can only help her so much through text but she lives in another country so there’s literally nothing more I can do to help her. It’s the worst feeling in the world, to want to fix something or help someone and literally being unable to do it.

I’m really lonely. I still haven’t told my mom about my ptsd and I’ve kind of been closed off because I don’t want to tell her anymore. My best friend lives in another country, my other has a job, and my only other real friend now is moving into a dorm soon. Those are my people and they’re amazing people and I love them with everything in me but it’s just like, there’s something missing. I guess I was really in love with this guy that broke my heart and it’s not even him anymore, it’s just that I miss that feeling. I’m tired of being alone. And almost all of my trauma is from my ex, so being in a healthy relationship is literally the only thing that works best to heal and shit bc it replaces the bad memories with good ones. My therapist says if I do that enough it should blot them out a lot, and it’s worked so fucking well with my friends that I’m just dying for it to happen romantically. I’ve been having more flashbacks and nightmares again bc my ex is back in town and it’s just looming over my head. And just bc all of my mental health is getting worse. And I have a lot of methods to cope now that are helping, but there was something about my recent ex that just helped. Like, I had a flashback once and he wrapped his arm around me and that was all it took to calm me down. It was just the feeling of being with someone in that way that was safe and comfortable and it was something I’d never felt before and idk if I’m a junkie for it or if I miss it or what but I don’t know how to really get better without that happening. And it’s going to take so much time for that to actually be able to happen again and it’s just killing me ig. I’ve also jumped into this self destructive state where I’ve convinced myself that I want or even need to see my ex again for like closure or some bullshit, as if I don’t know the fucking panic I would go through even if we stayed forty feet away from each other the entire time.

My life has gotten so quiet and depressed recently that I’ve stopped listening to music most of the time, which is like ridiculously sad. And concerning. Music is literally the thing in this world that means the most to me that I care the most about and I just don’t fucking care about it right now. I don’t feel like I have the mental energy. I have no idea why or what’s wrong with me but you know what? It’s terrifying me.

I’ve been drowning all of my problems in fanfiction like nobody’s business. It’s wildly problematic bc I’m burying my feelings, I’m not doing anything bc on the days I don’t read all day I’m sleeping all day bc I read all night. I haven’t written anything for my novel in a month now and I’m very aware of it but I couldn’t be bothered to work on it, which is bad bc I’m about two weeks away from missing my second goal for it and I’ll beat myself up a lot once I start having feelings again. (Funnily enough I’m going numb again now that I’m getting all of my emotions out here.) I’ve deadass cancelled plans with myself and other people to read the fanfiction. And like it’s great fucking fanfiction but it’s getting far passed even the term unhealthy. In fact, I literally started crying during my panic attack earlier because I’d convinced myself Wade Wilson was so real that when reality hit I couldn’t handle it. It’s like I was using Wade comforting Peter (Parker, its Spideypool) as my own emotional comfort in that kind of relationship way I’ve been missing. And even knowing he’s not real I’ve been taking a lot of comfort knowing he would beat the shit out of my ex if he ever met him. But yeah I’ve been channeling myself through their relationship and living through it and it’s been one of my most incredible acts of escapism yet, and then I realized I don’t actually have someone to hold me when I break and reality crashed onto me so much fucking harder. And I think it’s also that I know Wade’s character enough to trust him and so I’ve become a fictional characters emotional leech and I let it get so intense unintentionally that I literally couldn’t handle the reality that didn’t have him in it. This kind of makes me sound crazy lmao. Funnily enough, I used to have breakdowns like this a lot whenever I got way too into my escapism. But usually it was just a lot of sadness - the only other time I had one at this level was when I started to realize that my entire fantasy universe wasn’t going to come to life when I grew up. Basically, I had a very intense childhood but like fuck i was lonely back then and I guess I must be that lonely now. At least this time I’m creating fake significant others instead of having only imaginary friends.

My therapist and I haven’t been able to meet much over the summer and it’s been enough for me to pull back and make my issues seem better than they are, which is probably a lot of the reason I’m suddenly a fucking mess. Luckily for me, she’s gone this week so I won’t get to see her 🙃. But anyway, I think I got everything out and I definitely feel like this helped. I needed to vent in a way I haven’t done in a while. I’ve also been being misgendered a LOT on my recent trips and it’s all by family which affects me worse bc they know my identity and don’t work to correct themselves. So that’s not helping. And it might be almost 3 am now but I’m definitely diving straight back into fanfiction for awhile longer before going to bed. I can admit I’ve taken it way over the top but escapism is my bitch for a reason and I’m not giving up on it now. I think I am gonna try to make some sort of note for my therapist so that I don’t keep talking about my issues like they’re better than they are. I always do it but with her it’s a problem lmao. Oh, I’m also avoiding sleep tonight bc I don’t want nightmares. So there’s that gem. I turn 18 in 15 days and I’ve stopped making plans bc I literally don’t care anymore. Taking stock on the things I’ve stopped caring about, I’m literally a huge fucking mess and I didn’t even realize. Oh! And I’ve also started having a lot of self esteem issues bc it’s hot outside and my stretch marks on my thighs show with my shorts on. That hasn’t been a problem for me in years.

Anyway, I think I’m finally done now. I seriously doubt anyone read all the way through this long ass vent, but on the off chance that you did, thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. I hope you’re having a better time than I am, you deserve all of the good things and I hope you’re getting all of them and more. Please have a good morning, day, or night. Stay hydrated and do something nice for yourself bc you deserve it! All my love 💕

Chris xx

[starglitterz]

god forbid im so stressed with genshin sjkfskdf

i have 30k exp over and i haven't ascended yet because i need to max out my party members, get them better artifacts, enhance their sh!tass weapons, and oh my god i keep forgetting talents.

my resin is cracking, i broke my f2p status for the sake of it and i feel so stressed T_T

welkin moon made me feel a bit happy because i deadass spent 31 yuan on it and i also spent 5000k on a new computer for the school year may god have mercy

i have to do my assignments, my roommate is typing their brains out with me at 11 pm rn

where the f^ck do i get 12 mother loving basalt pillars and juggle everything

i need to get quests, head is empty and i've done all my lost riches thing

let me sleep, mihoyo

hiii lovely !!!

omg that sounds awful :( /g

personally i think that it would be good if you took a lil break from genshin maybe? ^_^ i mean it's a game that you're supposed to enjoy, so if you're getting stressed abt it that ruins the fun ykwim? and also darling, don't worry abt ascending/building characters ! take your time to do it, farming materials isn't easy so just do it at your own pace. as for your f2p status, at least it made you happy to spend it? now you'll have more genesis crystals for whichever character banner you want to wish on in future ! ahhh assignments suck omg,,, i wish schools understood that students have lives outside of just school and that teachers shouldn't pile so much work onto kids >:(

bestie i'm worried for you T_T i hope you're feeling better now !! perhaps it would be good if you took a day off everything for self-care and to de-stress? it would be super bad if you overworked and ended up falling sick + messing up your mental health, so please take a break bby!! make sure you stay hydrated, and also good luck for all your assignments :] hope this helped a lil !!

[imalittleteary]

i just need to puzzle this out so bear with me

I've had four boyfriends

One of them who I am friends with and also mostly pining after on this account. Amazing person! We were just kids who didnt know how to deal with the world just yet and my mental health was collapsing so i broke up with him inpulsively and regret it <3

One of them who goes to my college (we dated in HS, he was manioulative but most likely unconsciously due to mental health issues. Also fucked my friend a week after we broke up even though we never got intimate at all, except for minimal hugs and handholding. Deadass, we never even kissed lmao) but I do not interact with them at all.

One of them who sexually assaulted me on different occasions when we went to the movies (see: the Alita Scandal, the Shazaam Scandal) and who heavily manipulated & gaslighted me both during and after our relationship. We don't interact at all anymore, barring the Valentine's Day Scandal.

One of them who sexually assaulted me while I was asleep, manipulated me, and lied to me, cheated on me, and dated me officially for only one week after several months of bullshit before breaking up with me because I told him i didn't feel like a priority anymore. Our interactions are at a minimal level, however we are still in the same friend group in college so I will have to see him in the fall and that terrifies me to no end. Yeah.

Now, I've got this friend. He's been my best friend since middle school, and we were always pretty easy going w physical affection like hand holding, hugs, cuddling on a couch during a movie or whatever, that type of thing.

Recently, I went over and he was like "let's cuddle while watching this show." Pretty standard for us, honestly. But it was different.

I just

i felt panicked

i didnt want to cuddle with him, i didnt want him to touch me at all, i felt so uncomfortable and scared but i also couldnt say anything.

it felt like when my ex(es) touched me, when i was too scared to tell them not to.

i ended up sitting up to eat a snack and ate it slowly while the wifi crapped out on us, so we stopped watching the show and i stopped having to cuddle so i felt better

yesterday... technically friday, whatever. but yesterday it was something different but not

i was sitting across a chair, in typical bi fashion, and he ended up sitting on my lap

and i again felt so panicked

but we were watching a video and then he was on the phone and i couldnt say anything because he was on the phone and i just sat there terrified and every time he adjusted his shirt i feared it was bc his **** was getting hard and that at any moment i would be forced to confront that fact and i was so scared but he didnt get up until our friend (my first ex up above) arrived and after that i couldnt

interact

with either of them

i was trapped in my mind again like i'm trapped now trying to puzzle this out

and i worry that i seem like i dont care about the conversation because i really do i just couldnt focus at all on anything except my own fear of being touched but thats not the point the point is that my friend asked today if i wanted to hang out with him and cuddle and i lied to him

i lied and said my mom didnt want me to go out even though i hadnt asked at all

and i hadnt made that lie in such a long time because i always am desperate to leave the house exceot i realized today that i cant

handle

being alone with my friend

my best friend

from middle school

i cant handle being near him anymore and im scared

am i broken? did they break me? why dont i feel scared by a hug from my ex (again, the good one) and yet im terrified of my best friend being close to me. i dont know whats wrong and im just

.. so, so tired

goodnight, me