#Dave The human

[cuprohastes]

OK, New Plan.

Space piracy isn't a thing. It's not economical, practical or something anyone can pursue for any length of time.

Anyway, the ship had been captured by space pirates, and they'd dropped the temperature in the passenger modules down to a few ticks under the freezing point of water: The Atrix passengers were all huddled up, torpid, protecting their little guys, and the Thotari Pirates were planning on pillaging the cargo and personal possessions while things were quiet.

They'd checked the manifest: 12 Atrix passengers, and four crew, also Atrix. Easy pickings.

So it was a little bit of a surprise when they cracked the door to the passenger module and one of the Atrix turned out to be somewhat genetically human.

It was holding a hot beverage in one hand and used the other to grip the first Thotari Contract Pirate around their scrawny neck, dragging them off their feet.

Then it used that individual to beat the others until they snapped their contract markers and sat their asses down.

Everyone knows the Thotari take contracts very seriously. Snapping the marker was as good as surrender: No Thotari with any self respect would work unpaid.

The Pirate Executive Officer, employed for her bulk and experience took personal umbrage regarding this whole mess and thundered onto the ship, with several large sharp weapons, and some very cool looking armour, determined to perpetrate terminal events to the Human's biology.

The Human took one look and threw it's drink in her face. Then gave her a vicious kicking while the bitter alkaloids in the toxic concoction caused the PEO to collapse with uncontrollable spasms.

According to the logs, the Human took time out and poured another cup of coffee, turned the heat up, glared at the rest of the Thotari until they snapped their contract markers rather than deal with any of that and walked onto the Pirate's ship.

At which point they called the Pirate's backer up, and spent a half hour explaining in horrifying detail what they would personally do to that individual, and how much worse it was going to be if they didn't stop this inane crap.

The Thotari picked up their PEO and hooked her up to their ship's medical bay, said 'no hard feelings it's just business' and left.

---

"How was your trip?" asked Dave The Human.

"Pretty quiet," said Phalanges Mitten, AKA Dave. "Glad to be back, though. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to take a decent nap on those haulers - And don't get me started on the Coffee!"

[thefishywizard]

Guardian swap au for 4/13 ^ ^

[onlysushicat]

They got thrown into a water tank to drown and instead of finding an escape they ended up talking about their feelings, making out and then dying 😑😑😑

Doomed idiots

[mrdoctorpuddin]

Is this dirkjake?

[skeletood]

it's just that dude you always do everything with, no biggie

[fan-epic]

happy 413!!! 💚

jade harley fanart that took me like 3 months to finish because i couldnt pick colors that looked good.... i think i made it work tho...

[syn4k]

graffiti in a bathroom stall at a local mexican restaurant

"Music is Freedom"

"Agreeded (I dont think I spelled tat right lol)"

[petpetpinixy]

sleepy

[jadepawrley]

found this weird bird in my kitchen

[battiegutz]

sorry but also not .my autism has decided im into homestuck again i guess

[cuprohastes]

Meanwhile, somewhere in space.

Dave The Human, a female Tsin, crouched down and gently put a fresh piece of tape onto the floor cleaning unit, making sure the knife taped to it wasn't going to fall off.

Phalanges Mittens, totally normal human, previously also called Dave (But on paper, a seven foot tall purple marsupial lizard, for reasons of advanced interspecies fuckery) watched with interest.

"I heard it was a human tradition." explained Dave.

Phalanghes nodded. "Oh yeah. Since Time Immemorial, or about 2010 on the calendar my culture uses, so same thing." he agreed.

The floor cleaner, now designated as Stabby, rebooted, and started cleaning the floor. Its collision avoidance made the knife mostly safe, but that's hardly relevant to tradition.

The two friends watched it bumble around, until Cat Fantastic climbed on top, and then they took pictures for "Little Guys being weird little guys".

"You guys will really pack bond with anything." said Dave and Phalanges just had to shrug at that.

"I mean yeah. It's not even a species thing. It's an Earth thing." he said, getting comfortable. "Back in the day when we first invented robotics, we even made realistic robot animals to watch wildlife."

"Oh ar?" said Dave, whose grasp of the colloquial was extensive and ever shifting.

"Yeah. And some of the animals would try to hang out with the robots. Make friends. But if they fell over or the batteries ran out, the animals would get really upset and try to take care of their new buddy..."

"Aww!" said Dave appropriately, and pulled out her tablet. She looked it up and laughed with delight at the ancient videos and images.

Cat Fantastic, looked up, and said "Graaak".

Phalanges thought about that. "Huh. It would be awesome if we had a miniature Tokyo." he said while Dave looked that up.

Cat nodded and whispered 'Skreeonk' to Stabby, who equally quietly beeped back, gratified that it's suggestion was well received, while it admired its new knife in a reflection.

[relaxxattack]

lunar new year themed piece with my faves. the snake symbolizes rebirth and intelligence — please share some of that with me buddy? 🙏

[thicc-astronaut]

I feel like Crazy Dave would allow Affini to hang out in his Zen Garden but also be completely immune to xenodrugs and biorythms and the doting praise of the Affini (on account of his being craaaazy)

Like he would see these giant plant ladies and go "Plants! Plants are my friends. Hi friends!" and the Affini would go "Why can we not make a pet out of this guy. Why does nothing work on him."

[kabutoden]

I have no idea if you've already done it, but I request bug versions of the human shitheads

this is genuinely probably one of my favorite pieces so far. like idk why but i totally prioritized this ask because you called them the human shitheads. thats just so funny to me. these DORKS!!! the SILLIES!! also bc these guys arnt aliens. like the humans are humans they dont gotta be bugs. but fuck i just love anthro bugs!!! so much. like theres no stopping me. Rose is a rosy maple moth, but she wishes she had darker more goth coloration. Worked perfect with her name and associations with seeking light dangerously, too. Jade's a wooly aphid because they're cute and fuzzy, i particularly love their shiny wings and whispy fur. Dave's an assassin bug--but they're also called wheel bugs for the cog-like shell on their back. Super deadly an agile bugs, puts a lot of expectations on him... John might just be my favorite though. With his love of slimer and association with ectoplasm, he's a spitbug!! they're just bright green and silly little guys. perfect!

[psiioniicarts]

Wait so did Gabriel actually like Dave?

Hm…there might be a hypocrite in the room.

- Ha, lonely? “Who is my human?” Don’t be ridiculous.

- I do not “claim” humans, nor do I need friends.

- I have no need for such frivolous attachments. How foolish~

[feel-the-fire]

Mutated Dave for my human au of Penguins of Madagascar.