#Dark Matter: The Private Life of Sir Isaac Newton

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[Review] Dark Matter: The Private Life of Sir Isaac Newton

I guess I’m just writing this review for myself, as I have so much to process, but nowhere else to go with it. Alas, I am literally the only one in my ‘book club’ who actually has the time/patience to read books, so there’s no one to discuss anything with at the end of the day. So sperging into the void it is.

I just finished reading a novel about Newton that puts more of a detective/murder mystery spin on his days working at the Royal Mint in London. Although the plot is a work of fiction, most of the characters and broader events actually did take place.

I wanted to like this book. I really did. I loved how the author seamlessly wove so many of Newton’s quotes from throughout his life into the dialogue. The humor ranged from Newton’s dry wit to the scatological to some outright raunchy descriptions of a sexual nature, mostly involving lewd women and their “bubbies” and “cunny parts”—the kind of offensive humor that you can’t help but be amused over, unless you’re super uptight. 

Awkward, to say the least. But she also could’ve just, you know, not done that in front of him. But as you will see, there isn’t much she isn’t willing to do while her uncle is under the same roof.

The thing I enjoyed most of all was Christopher Ellis’ (the narrator’s) relationship with Newton, and how the book explored his own shifting attitudes toward his master and the total loss of his religious faith that resulted from a deep understanding of the scientific lens through which Newton viewed the world.

Unfortunately, the thing that ruined it for me was Ellis’ doomed-to-fail relationship with Miss Barton.

As far as I can tell, Ellis, despite being an actual person, was never romantically involved with Catherine. And despite the vague warning in the beginning of the tale that things don’t end well (and whether or not you know that Catherine was ultimately fated to marry John Conduitt later on), the book still does a damn good job of building your hopes up and making you root for the two to remain together—all the time they spend together at Newton’s house, Catherine lovingly nursing Ellis back to health when he falls ill, etc.

…Only for it all to just fall apart, and on the very same night when they finally become intimate for the first (and final) time.

I would laugh if it wasn’t so depressing.

 This feels all the more cruel once Newton invites Ellis to stay over at his place for the first time in months for the purpose of serving as his bodyguard after a recent assassination attempt. He tries to mend things with Catherine, but she is colder than ever and tells him that she cannot help with his “repugnant views” because “faith cannot be taught”.

I say “cruel” because I get the feeling that Newton knew all along and was unnecessarily insensitive to Ellis’ feelings (which he also knew full well about). I doubt it was just autistic obliviousness on Newton’s part either, especially when Halifax was not only an old friend of his from Cambridge who was in and out of his house where his own niece lived as well, but he and Ellis had only just gone to meet with him to inform him of some very important plot exposition.

That, and the book makes him into this Sherlock-like character who could tell what kind of person you are just by looking at you, so I seriously doubt something like this would escape his notice.

I mean, it’s quite obvious to me at this point that Catherine (like so many modern women today, unfortunately) was just another shameless whore who used men to ascend the social ladder. This seems to be the case even outside of fan-fiction, as she latched right onto John Conduitt (another wealthy man who would be elected as a member of Parliament shortly after their marriage) hardly before Lord Halifax’s grave had a chance to cool.

She didn’t need her uncle to pimp her out for his own benefit, certainly, but still… neither did he have any reason to complain, because there was nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I’m thinking maybe he purposely conspired to lead Ellis on for selfish reasons as well—in order to try and keep his assistant/bodyguard from becoming too emotionally incapacitated to focus on what was unquestionably a critical case?

Just… fuck me, man.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is, did the fictional Ellis really deserve such a tragedy? Could the author really not have employed a little more artistic license and tweaked the ending for his sake? 

TL;DR: It's a good book over all, and I certainly recommend it if you're a Newton fan or even just into 17th century mysteries, but if you have a soft spot for characters who are left coping with the injustice of a "bad ending", then I should warn that it's going to leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

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That hilarious moment when Newton introduced Ellis to Fatio for the first time, and Fatio reacted as if his ex had replaced him with a younger, prettier twink:

Then as soon as the scene ends and Fatio departs, Newton goes into full defense mode:

ELLIS: So that was your friend Fatio, huh? NEWTON: SHUT UP, I'M NOT GAY

ELLIS: But, Mr. Newton, I never implied—

NEWTON: LALALA, NOT A HOMO I WAS LIKE A DADDY—FUCK, I MEAN—A DAD TO HIM

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Newton never actually said this in real life, but I wonder if he ever thought it.

It almost reads like a backhanded compliment, doesn't it? Even in fiction, Newton could never refrain from insulting Hooke, but even he couldn't deny the grandeur of his rival's architectural masterpiece.