#Daren heartbreak high

[pickafandomanyfandom]

I am the passionate recommender, and I know this is all of my friends

[nia-journals]

heartbreak high rant - spoilers ahead

let me just start off by saying I absolutely love this show (have watched it twice already) and I cannot wait for season 2.

- this show is one of the rare ocassions where i adore the main character so fucking much - amerie is the main girlie of the main girlies.

- i love malakai and thats besides is charming smile and good looks. i think he's genuinely a very likable character and we also get to see his vulnerable side/insecurities and difficulties and i love that despite everything he's still a good guy.

- don't know if this is deemed unpopular but im my humble opinion dusty and harper were a good couple UNTIL they did what they did to malakai.. i do think they took advantage of him and honestly after that i could not stand to look at them at all.

- harper shouldve also eventually been held accountable for the map.

- i cannot lie and say i have any love for harper (in the beginning she was so annoying and did many fucked up things) but i do feel bad for what she went through with those boys and her father and i am glad she was finally able to open up and rekindle her friendship w amerie.

- spider should have stayed the way they depict him in the last episode cause he was sweet to amerie but I GUESS what happened in amerie's room was a punch at his ego so he started acting like a little bitch baby.

- CASH MY DEAR SWEET CHILD CASH!!! i want no hate towards this man or nothing had to ever happen to him. love him w my entire heart.

- cannot wait for more darren and cash in season 2 and i hope they can communicate more about they want, cash being ace and eachothers feelings.

- FUCK SASHA AND I HOPE QUINNI DOES NOT GIVE HER BITCH ASS ANOTHER CHANCE BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT DESERVE IT.

- i love quinni and daren's friendship so much. they are literally platonic soulmates.

- i feel bad for darren and their family situation - i feel like their parents should be there for them and show them that they care and shower them with the love they deserve!

- BACK TO THIS BITCH DUSTY. I LITERALLY CANNOT STAND HIM AND HIS COMMUNITY DICK HAVING ASS AT ALL.

- we need more of cash's nan in season 2 as well.

- the comedy and comedic timing in this show are golden and i found myself actually laughing as opposed to cringing as i usually do with shows that are geared towards gen z.

- ant i love him and he's funny but he needs better friends! lets get him on the malakai train and he can dump spider.

- OR we can get spider and ant less platonic more romantic iykyk (the scene in the office during the protest).

- for now though, i feel like amerie and malakai should stick to being friends, don't get me wrong i ship them but i think some space is what they need for now.

- MS. JOJO IS THE BEST UGH LOVE HER.

- did i mention i CANNOT stand dusty?

- srsly i cant.

- can we get malakai exploring his sexuality a bit more. thanks.

- missy's brother jai is an angel and i just wanna hug him.

- cash pls also drop your eshay friends!

- that's it? yea i think!

[vyther16]

dolls with diamonds stuffed inside

Chapter 1

whumptober 2020 theme 5: where do you think you’re going; prompt 3: rescue

Content warnings: mentions of past torture, noncholance towards character’s own possible death and probable incoming torture, threats of torture and death, self-depricating talk, emotional manipulation, Yan Bingyun is not in a good headspace for this

edits october 12 2020: all instances of daoren changed to the correct daren; Shen-xiaojie’s name corrected to her novel canon name

Glossary for ppl like my mum:

Ge-- older brother, informal. 

Daren-- lord. 

Gongzi-- young master, or a slightly more diminutive form of lord

xiaojie-- lady (lit. little big sister; used as lady in this context)

xiao-- little

This lifts nearly all dialogue from episode 38 and 39 of Joy of Life, found on youtube

—start—

Yan Bingyun blinks when the door opens, but doesn’t look up. Whoever it is, they’ll hurt him. He doesn’t much care for who it is. He tries to listen to the conversation they have, but the wounds from today’s first visitor have yet to stop bleeding. He’s tired. He isn’t going to get out. Listening for secrets that won’t be of use after an escape that won’t happen is pointless, so Yan Bingyun doesn’t bother to do so.

“Yan Bingyun,” the man who was speaking before says. Something waves in front of his face, but Yan Bingyun doesn’t open his eyes to see what it is. “I’m Fan Xian. You blocked me on my way to the capital,” the man adds. “Do you remember?”

Yan Bingyun opens his eyes, slowly. He remembers well enough to ascertain that the man before him is indeed Fan Xian, though how Fan Xian has come to be in BeiQi is unclear.

Then Fan Xian is pulling aside his robes, clucking his tongue at the gashes from earlier. “This wound is new,” Fan Xian says, “Just now?” he asks, and Yan Bingyun wants to talk back, but he’s tired.

Fan Xian brings up the war, brings up DaQing, thanks him for spying, and Yan Bingyun reminds himself why he’s doing this, why he’s allowing them to strip away his humanity little by little. Everything is for DaQing.

“I’m the envoy to take you home,” Fan Xian says. Yan Bingyun looks at him, sees an odd, almost earnest expression in his eyes, finds his own lips curving up into a bitter smile against his will.

“You serve BeiQi,” he says, a simple statement of fact, because that’s the most obvious answer. Fan Xian has been at the capital for such a short time, the only way he could have made it so high is if he betrayed their country, betrayed DaQing.

Fan Xian’s expression goes wide-eyed for a moment, like he can’t believe Yan Bingyun doesn’t believe him. “You think I’m lying?”

“You became an envoy in just a short time?” He braces himself for hurt.

“He is the real envoy of DaQing,” Shen W-Shen-xiaojie bursts out. “He’s here to save you!”

Yan Bingyun glances at her. “Why did he hold you hostage, if he’s the envoy?”

“Shen Zhong won’t release you,” Fan Xian says. Of course not. Yan Bingyun hasn’t given up the information Shen Zhong wants yet.

Yan Bingyun fails to see the logic in this so-called rescue, if Fan Xian really is the envoy. “So you came here by yourself. How could you find me so easily under Shen Zhong’s supervision?”

He knows he’s kept in some out of the way place, that the BeiQi emperor doesn’t even know where he is. If Fan Xian is the DaQing envoy, he shouldn’t have been able to find Yan Bingyun.

Fan Xian sounds so affronted when he protests this point. “Be careful of your words, I’m smarter than him!”

Yan Bingyun huffs out a laugh. He doubts that very much. “There are many spies from DaQing here. Pretend to rescue me, and gain my trust. By the time I feel safe and contact other spies, you will arrest us all,” he says. “Is this Shen Zhong’s plan?” It’s the most obvious trap, and Fan Xian has to know that it wouldn’t have worked. He will give points for creativity. It’s different from what he’s come to expect from Shen Zhong, but not different enough that he can’t recognize it for what it is: another one of the man’s twisted mind games.

“Damn it,” Fan Xian says, and then “Persecution mania.”

Yan Bingyun doesn’t know what that is. He says as much.

Fan Xian pulls out one of his hairpins and grabs at the chains around Yan Bingyun’s ankles. “I will tell you all about my promotion after we get out and go back.”

“If you didn’t lie,” Yan Bingyun says, not actually entertaining the thought, but wanting to see how well thought out Fan Xian’s trap really is, “you should tell me how we will get out. Shen Zhong won’t let me leave easily.” Not without the names Yan Bingyun refuses to give up. DaQing has worked too hard to get their spies into place for Yan Bingyun to break at the thought of a rescue that isn’t even real.

It seems Fan Xian has an answer prepared for even this question, though he heaves out a put-upon sigh to give it. “I have a subordinate named Wang Qinian.”

Yan Bingyun’s eyes snap to Fan Xian. “Wang Qinian? The counting clerk from the first ministry?” He’s with BeiQi now too? Yan Bingyun knows the man is easily tempted into doing things for money, but he’d never thought that Wang Qinian could be tempted to treason.

“He works for me now,” Fan Xian says, like Yan Bingyun hasn’t already figured it out. “I asked him to find help before I came here.”

Yan Bingyun wants to laugh. This whole sham is ridiculous. Where would Fan Xian find help in BeiQi to help break out an enemy spy if he isn’t also with BeiQi? He says as much to Fan Xian.

The other man just rolls his eyes, grabbing the shackle around Yan Bingyun’s wrist. “Now I know why they gave you such a heavy penalty,” he says, picking the lock on Yan Bingyun’s right wrist. “Xiao-Yan-gongzi, your personality is not adorable at all.” Yan Bingyun takes a deep breath so that he doesn’t wince when Fan Xian pushes at his wrist roughly. He hasn’t let himself think of the life he left behind in DaQing. He hasn’t thought about it since he crossed the border, really, despite how content he’d been with his lot then. He would give it all up again for DaQing. Everything is for DaQing.

“Be careful,” Shen W--xiaojie snaps, swiping at Fan Xian’s arm.

“Sorry,” Fan Xian says, not sounding sorry at all. “I forgot your wound.” He picks the last cuff, then adds, “also, I must take back my words. You’re adorable for someone,” as he stands up.

Yan Bingyun’s gaze flickers down. He wants, desperately, to be able to give Shen Wan’er what she deserves. He is not used to wanting things. Especially things he cannot have, things he does not deserve. Shen Wan’er deserves someone better than him, and he cannot betray DaQing for the younger sister of BeiQi’s imperial guard chief.

It’s easier to lie to her, to crush her hope and his along with it, than it is to entertain the thought of her leaving behind her brother and her country to come with him, because there is no way he could stay with her, no matter how much he wants it. DaQing comes before any personal desires. Everything is for DaQing.

“I’ve made it very clear. I got close to you before to get military intelligence through your connection to your brother.” That is not a lie, not really. He’d just managed to fall in love during the process. “I never had feelings for you.” That is a lie, but he’s never going to tell her that, nor anyone else. If he repeats it enough, he may even begin to believe it himself.

Yan Bingyun sees the momentary flash of heartbreak in her eyes before Shen W--Shen-xiaojie steadies herself with a deep breath. “Don’t talk too much,” she warns. “You’re weak now.”

She doesn’t believe him yet, but she needs to. Being close to him will result in scorn and suspicion and likely death for her. “I’ve been lying to you,” he repeats.

“I know,” she replies. “I wanted to hate you,” she adds, like it’s a shameful secret. “But when I saw you getting injured, it broke my heart.”

Yan Bingyun knows. The days when Shen Zhong would bring in his sister in the hopes of using her against Yan Bingyun had been the worst days, not because the physical pain was any worse, but because Shen Wan’er would beg for him to give up the names and for her brother to stop hurting him within the same breath. She would sob until she passed out, and Shen Zhong would blame it on him, as if Yan Bingyun had wanted her there in the first place.

“Stupid woman,” he says, because if he doesn’t he’ll say something he’ll regret, something that gives away how much lying he’s done to make her stop loving him, even when it doesn’t work, even when she insists on loving him still, on bringing him bandages and medicine for the wounds her brother inflicts every day, as if she could heal each broken bone and bloodied gash with love alone.

It doesn’t work even now, because Shen-xiaojie stands up and says she’ll get him some water and walks to the kitchen area of his prison. Yan Bingyun watches her go, but his eyes flick back to Fan Xian as he returns.

“She’s not stupid,” Fan Xian says, “she loves you too much,” and Yan Bingyun knows that, knows that she’s likely one of the smartest women he’s ever met, but that does not mean that she cannot be dumb in this regard, in loving a man who cannot love her back.

When Yan Bingyun doesn’t give him a response, Fan Xian flaps his hand dismissively and returns to the front space. Yan Bingyun stays where he is until Fan Xian comes back over. “Come sit at the table, you’ll be able to drink your water better there.”

Yan Bingyun forces himself to his feet, not letting any of the pain he feels show on his face. He forces his hands to be steady, forces his legs to move, and when he near-collapses at the table, he sits perfectly straight again, pretending for the sake of what little dignity he has left that he intended to sit right then instead of lowering himself down more easily. It’s odd, moving without the shackles at his wrists and ankles. He can feel their phantom weight, as ever-present as the fire in his chest and the ache in his back.

There’s a commotion outside, but then Shen W-xiaojie kneels next to him with a cup and an apology. “There’s no hot water in here,” she says, like Yan Bingyun didn’t already know that. “Just take it for now.”

Yan Bingyun doesn’t thank her, but he does take the water. Then he tries again to make her stop. “Your brother and I won’t stop until we kill each other,” he says. “If you let me go, have you considered the consequences?” He knows he’s arguing to be kept prisoner for longer, but Shen-xiaojie won’t be forced to choose between the man she loves, however misguided she may be in that love, and the man who raised her.

“If you kill my brother one day,” Shen-xiaojie says, “kill me as well.”

Yan Bingyun doesn’t have a chance to respond before Fan Xian butts in. “Shen-xiaojie did you such a big favor,” he says. I know, Yan Bingyun doesn’t say. I’m trying to save her. “Why must you be so heartless to her? And guys, can we discuss this after we get back to my place? There’s hot water.” he adds, like it’s a selling point.

The door slams open before either one of them can respond. Fan Xian shoots to his feet and Shen-xiaojie snatches up her knife to run over to him. Yan Bingyun doesn’t react as Shen Zhong walks into the room.

“Hold me,” Shen W-xiaojie says, pulling Fan Xian’s arm around herself and putting the knife into his hands. The blade is facing out, away from her neck as she starts what would be a very good act if Fan Xian were going along with it. “Ge! They won’t let me go unless they get out!”

Yan Bingyun looks away as Fan Xian puts the knife down.

Shen Zhong turns and shuts the door. He walks to the center of the room, silent. Dangerous. Yan Bingyun feels his heartbeat speed up, though he doesn’t let it show. Weakness will be exploited, and Fan Xian has already left him unbalanced, which was likely their plan all along.

“How silly you are,” Shen Zhong reprimands his sister. “They’re spies from the enemy state!” He points at Fan Xian for emphasis. Yan Bingyun swallows, looking away again. Maybe it will finally sink in. Maybe she’ll leave him behind.

“I…I was threatened,” she tries to protest, but it’s weak, and Shen Zhong easily plows over it.

“I’m not stupid!” he shouts. He looks at the floor for a minute, resettles himself, then looks back up at the three of them. “Fan-daren,” he says, calmer. “Well done!” He chuckles, a sound that has the hairs on the back of Yan Bingyun’s neck standing on edge.

Fan Xian grins. “You come in alone. Aren’t you worried about being threatened by me?”

Shen Zhong returns Fan Xian’s smirk. “I’ve placed an order. If you threaten them with me, arrows will fly in like clouds. I will be shot too.”

“Ge!” Shen-xiaojie protests.

Fan Xian laughs. It sounds forced. “Why, Shen-daren, you have to return Yan Bingyun to us sooner or later. Now I’ve found him. Why don’t you let me take him away?”

Shen Zhong purses his lips. “Alright. As long as he gives me the name list of the spies in Shangjing, I’ll let him go immediately.”

Fan Xian takes a deep breath in, looking over at Yan Bingyun. “Let’s tell him?” he asks, like he’s suggesting they have sweet buns with dinner. Yan Bingyun doesn’t even have it in him to be surprised at the betrayal. He’s tired.

He considers for a moment, realizes they’re going to hurt him no matter what he answers, and decides to have a last bit of fun before he can no longer think from pain.

“Alright,” he says. Fan Xian looks shocked.

Shen Zhong’s expectant look turns pleased and he sits down on the table in front of Yan Bingyun, an obvious power play.

Yan Bingyun tilts his head towards him. “All of those ministers of the Sixth Bureau are our spies in BeiQi. You kill them all, so you’re building a peace and ridding the state of evil.” He faces forward as Shen Zhong processes the blatant lie he’s just been told.

Yan Bingyun doesn’t react as Shen Zhong flips the tables except to smile, faintly.

“Listen!” Shen Zhong shouts at his sister. “Listen to what he’s saying!”

Shen-xiaojie looks down at the floor. “I was caught by them,” she says, but it’s clear she’s only saying it because she has nothing else she could say.

Yan Bingyun takes one last deep breath, not letting it shudder the way it wants to, and braces himself for pain.

Shen Zhong straightens his robe. “Fan-daren, you may go now,” he says, gesturing at the door.

Fan Xian points at Yan Bingyun. “I must take him with me,” he replies.

“Not now,” Shen Zhong returns.

“It isn’t a request,” Fan Xian says.

Shen Zhong cocks his head. “Then, none of you can go today. Guards!”

The door bursts open, the city guards filling into a loose semi-circle around them.

Fan Xian folds his hands behind his back. “If you do something to me here, aren’t you afraid it’ll cause a new national war?”

Shen Zhong takes a sword from the nearest guard and lays it against Fan Xian’s throat. “Who knows you’re here? Fan-daren disappeared. We searched for him, and finally found his body. I was upset, so I promised to find the murderer to avenge you.”

Shen-xiaojie hisses out “Hold me!” grabbing Fan Xian’s arm and putting the knife back into his hand. Yan Bingyun isn’t exactly sure what it is she’s trying to accomplish. From his face, it’s clear Fan Xian doesn’t either.

“Start,” Shen Zhong orders, but before the guards can make it a full step forward, there’s a shout for Shen-daren in the courtyard. A guard whispers something into Shen Zhong’s ear that makes his glare even worse.

Fan Xian smirks in return. “Guys, wait a moment. My helper is here now,” he says, handing Shen-xiaojie back her knife, heedless of Shen Zhong’s sword at his neck.

Yan Bingyun isn't sure who his helper could be, given that even Shen Zhong defers to this person at least partially.

He says as much, and Fan Xian smirks again. “I’m popular,” he snarks.

Yan Bingyun thinks, not for the first time, that if this rescue is truly real, it is the worst rescue that he could have imagined. He ignores Fan Xian quietly reassuring Shen-xiaojie, straining his ears to instead listen for Shen Zhong’s conversation with Fan Xian’s mysterious helper.

He doesn’t quite catch everything, but he hears “Saintess,” and knows that Fan Xian must be with BeiQi now, if only because there’s no way Haitang Duoduo would deign to help anyone from DaQing.

Saintess’s reply is just as garbled, but he catches “Let them.” He realizes that this is likely a test of Shen Zhong’s loyalty to the Empress Dowager.

Shen Zhong’s reply is still quiet, but he assumes it’s him refusing to let Yan Bingyun go.

Then Saintess says “His Majesty’s order.” Yan Bingyun already knows that it’s a bad idea to have said that. Shen Zhong serves the Empress Dowager, not the Emperor. Shen Zhong must reply, because Saintess raises her voice. “It’s the empress dowager’s order as well,” she calls.

There’s a pause, some more muffled words, and then Shen Zhong calls to let them go.

Fan Xian grins. “I told you I was here to rescue you,” he says, clapping his hands together like a child. “Let’s go, Saintess will have prepared a carriage for us.” He leans down in front of Yan Bingyun. “I saw you collapse into this spot earlier; don’t pretend like you can walk on your own. Now c’mon, up you go.” He grabs Yan Bingyun’s forearms, clasping tight enough to have leverage but loose enough that it doesn’t truly hurt, and pulls him to his feet. Yan Bingyun hides his wince. Weakness will be exploited, after all.

Fan Xian stops at the door, turning to look at Shen-xiaojie. “Thank you for your help today,” he calls, and the ghost of a smile flickers across her face.

Haitang Duoduo is leaning against a carriage when Yan Bingyun and Fan Xian leave the courtyard. “There’s space enough for three in there. I’ll take you to your hotel.”

Fan Xian nods. “Thank you,” he says as he helps Yan Bingyun climb into the carriage.

Yan Bingyun doesn’t let himself think about how this is the first time that he’s been outside of the confines of that house since he was captured. He doesn’t let himself believe that this is real. He can’t let his guard down, because letting his guard down means he’ll be hurt. Letting his guard down means he gets caught, and it means that BeiQi tries even harder to bleed information from him.

So he doesn’t let himself believe this is real, even as the sounds of city life wash through the thin carriage walls, even as Fan Xian leans against the side of the carriage, even as his chest burns and his limbs ache. He doesn’t let himself relax, doesn’t let himself lose his posture, because if he loses his posture, he admits that he’s safe, and he isn’t safe. He doubts he’ll ever be safe again.

—fin—

—author notes—

Yan Bingyun’s head was kind of hard to get into at first, but then I sat down and watched this scene, pausing every time the subtitles changed and writing down exactly what they said, and then writing Yan Bingyun’s internal dialogue about it, and it went much easier. By doing that, I wrote this entire thing in the span of one afternoon/evening. The only reason it took that long is because the pizza for dinner came halfway through and i decided pizza was more important than Yan Bingyun’s internal angst

chapter 2 will come out on the 7th, for and if ao3 gets its act together, this should be posted there too. The link will be in the reblog to my main.

Personal side note you can skip, but I edited this during my 2 ½  hour long government classes where my teacher lectures for over half the class about a subject that we already took both notes and a quiz over, so if I didn’t edit, I would have fallen asleep, and he already has his eye on me bc I don’t stand for the pledge of allegiance, so that just wasn’t happening. Also, I wrote this a literal month in advance, and it is the most edited piece of writing I have ever made in my entire life, including things that are worth large percentages of my grade.

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