#DONT MANHANDLE THE NOODLE...

[melkior]

"UNHAND ME, THOU VILE KNAVE! WHAT THINK'ST THOU TO DO? MANHANDLE ME INTO SUBMISSION? I SHALL BITE THEE, THOU FOUL TARNISHED- … CEASE, PUT ME DOWN AT ONCE!"

Sorry I saw this

and couldn't help myself.

[brutal-nemesis]

Train Day 2021: Train Danger. Trainger

Happy Train Day! I hope everyone’s year has gotten off to a good start (❁´◡`❁) And If not let’s make it better with some whump!! This time I have yeeted Castys into old west and therefore this is not canon. But it’s still that classic blend of goofy while also Horribly Mean, so buckle up. Or don’t because trains don’t have seatbelts. I think.

Castys drabbles masterlist

Ingredients: manhandling, hand whump, broken bones, gore/brutality (if you’re not about that just stop reading after they knock him out)

A list of dumb things to do:

Hide from an angry rich man on top of a speeding train

A list of smart things to do:

Not that

Guess who made the dumb decision today? Not that Castys had thought it was a good idea, he was thinking more along the lines of aaaa run away from angry men who want to hurt me oh look a ladder let’s climb it. So here he was, carefully making his way along the roof of the train, cool desert air blasting into his face. He really hoped they hadn’t seen him go up that ladder since his gun had run out of bullets, making it basically a useless fancy piece of metal instead of a shooty death contraption. His best bet, now that he was defenseless, was making it to the front of the train where he could chill with the coal shoveling dudes. Mr. Fancypants Thurmond and his lackeys wouldn’t DARE soil their nice clothes with coal dust, so Castys would be safe up there until the train stopped and he could dash off to lands unknown.

Alas, things were never quite that simple. Just as Castys was readying to jump to the next car, the hatch on it opened and one of Thurmond’s goons poked his head out. Castys considered just jumping over him and continuing to run, but decided against it when the man pointed his definitely loaded gun at him. Not that he was afraid of dying, but getting shot was entirely unpleasant and Castys would rather not fall off this train that he’d actually paid money to board (for once). Hearing the sound of another hatch opening and footsteps behind him, Castys slowly turned around, hands raised in surrender in the hopes that he wouldn’t get thrown off. 

“Evening Mr. Thurmond, how kind of you to join me up here. The sky is quite lovely at this time of night, I must say.” Castys addressed the imposing man stalking towards him as calmly as he could, hoping to keep things under control.

“Quit your yapping. The only thing I want to hear out of you is the location of the gold you stole from me.” Thurmond didn’t falter one bit in his approach, and Castys hesitantly took a step back before realizing that continuing to back up would send him tumbling down between the cars. Great, he was trapped.

“I’m not entirely sure that gold is yours, considering the fact that you stole it in the first place. Stealing it from you basically makes me the police. But, like all law enforcement, I can be bribed, so I’m sure we can work something out. Let’s all just calm down and-“ Thurmond didn’t let Castys finish, grabbing the front of his shirt and dragging him to the edge of the train. Castys felt empty air beneath his heels and, stupidly, he looked down. The train was inconveniently going through a canyon, so if Thurmond let go of him he would fall a ridiculous distance to the canyon floor. Which would suck. “H-hey, come on now, I didn’t think you were this stupid. If you drop me here, you can consider the gold lost, amigo. My corpse is gonna be a whole lot less talkative than I am.”

“I know what you are, immortal,” Thurmond growled. “And as much as I would like to, I know that throwing you off here would be the same as letting you go. Which is something that I don’t intend to do.” After letting Castys dangle a moment more, he yanked him back from the edge and tossed him to one of his waiting underlings. “Get him down to my compartment. And don’t make a scene.” Castys tried to retort, but the man holding him clamped a hand over his mouth, which he considered licking but ultimately decided against since it would probably taste terrible. He let the man drag him to the hatch and toss him down to the other dudes waiting at the bottom of the ladder because they had functioning guns and he did not. Actually, scratch that, he didn’t have a gun at all, now that he checked. Thurmond must have taken it while he was being all ooh I’m almost going to throw you off this train won’t that hurt and also suck.

So there he was, weaponless in a very fancy train compartment and surrounded by a stupid amount of Thurmond’s henchmen. Lovely. Thurmond strolled in casually, as if there was absolutely nothing suspicious going on, and glared at Castys before looking around at his goons expectantly. “Well, don’t just stand there, tie him up,” he ordered. “Can’t have him running off before I get him to talk.”

“What makes you think I’m going to talk? The fact that I never shut up?” Castys did his best to remain calm as the men grabbed him. “You might have me defenseless and outnumbered and you’ve probably eaten more recently than me, but I pride myself on my ability to only talk about what I want to talk about. Which right now is-”

“Uh, Mr. Thurmond,” one of the goons interrupted, “we left all the rope in the car with the horses. I mean, we can go get it, but...”

“Why would you-fine, fine,” Thurmond sighed. Castys smiled at his frustration. If there was one thing he loved, besides setting things on fire, it was seeing super composed dudes become not composed. Hilarious every time. “I suppose I’ll just have to...get creative.” Thurmond grabbed a dagger from one of his men and walked towards Castys. How exactly was the man going to restrain him with a knife, it’s not like-oh. They were pinning him against the wall. Then that meant...

“Woah, don’t tell me you’re willing to ruin this lovely wallpaper. I mean look at those...flowers. And are you gonna pay damages for poking a hole in the wall? I thought this whole thing was about you wanting more money.”

“We’ll pay for it with your portion of the gold.” Thurmond smiled before swiftly plunging the dagger into Castys’s hand, securing it to the wood beneath it. Castys grit his teeth, breathing in sharply in an effort not to cry out. It hurt about as much as he expected it to, which was a whole dang lot. But hell if he was going to let that stop him from being annoying.

“So...so that means...you were gonna...let me keep some of the gold?” Castys asked between breaths, grinning. Thurmond’s only reply was to pull out another knife, and the man holding Castys’s other wrist promptly pinned it against the wall. “Double or nothing, huh? You know, if I promise not to pull the knife-” and there was the sweaty hand over his mouth. Fine, whatever, just take away his ability to be a pain in the ass, the one thing that made life bearable. He didn’t bother to hold back his screams as Thurmond stabbed the knife through his other palm. Once it was firmly secured, Thurmond straightened and rubbed his temples.

“Will you please-just shut him up. With something a little more efficient than your hand. I don’t think I’m going to interrogate him here.” The man silencing him nodded, glancing around before ripping Castys’s bandanna from his neck and shoved it in his mouth. You know what, that was fine. Like, yes, it did taste like sweat, but it was Castys’s sweat, which was preferable over someone else’s. And when you’re impaled to the wall of a train by an asshole you stole money from, it’s the little things. Speaking of, train walls were objectively the worst kind of wall to be impaled to. Because trains move. They shake. And when there is a knife in your hand, you do not want it to shake because by god that makes it hurt so much worse.

Could he have yoinked his hands from the wall? Probably, but it would hurt like a bitch and he would still be in a train car surrounded by men who were very much willing to upgrade his current pain package. Unappealing. Better to wait for some other opportunity. So Castys busied himself by thinking of better surfaces to be impaled to. Ice would be cold but it would melt, and glass could probably be broken pretty easily if you could even be impaled to it, or maybe a post in the middle of town since someone might...no, that would more likely mean he would get things thrown at him, oh, but how about…

He had a pretty good comprehensive list of things to be impaled to by the time the train finally slowed to a stop. Not that he would ever need such a list for anything, but thinking about it was a heck of a lot better than dwelling on how much pain his hands were in or his upcoming interrogation (which would likely be Terrible) or how much his feet hurt from standing for so long or the fact that something vaguely smelled good and boy he was hungry or-okay in conclusion a lot of things sucked. But he hadn’t been thinking about it until just now, which was good. And he wouldn’t have to think about it for much longer because Thurmond had just told one of his men to knock him out. Which begs the question, why couldn’t they have-

When Castys woke up, it was hot. Dusty. Sharp rocks dug into his back. He opened his eyes to a cloudless blue sky. He groaned, trying to sit up or at least roll over, but he found he could hardly move. Rough rope tied his wrists to something above his head, and he could feel the same sort of pressure around his ankles. Fantastic. There was also some sort of hard rod under his thighs, like he was laying on-oh. Oh that is. Those are train tracks. Those are train tracks that he is laying on top of. Those are train tracks that he is tied to. Train tracks. 

Yikes.

“Good morning, Castys. So kind of you to join us. The sky is a lovely shade of blue today, isn’t it?” Thurmond was standing over him, but tragically was not blocking the sun’s glare, forcing Castys to squint up at him.

“Wow, repeating what I said to you last night, how cool and poetic. You know,” Castys wiggled in his bonds, “I would say that this whole ‘being tied to the tracks’ feels a little cliché, but it’s just, like, my legs. What’s up with that?”

“Do you know what the most painful bone to break is?”

“Oh that’s easy, it’s the funny bone! If I break that one I will probably get extremely depressed.” Castys smiled at the men standing around him, but no one reacted. “I don’t know a lot about bones,” he said quietly.

“Clearly. The correct answer is the femur, the strongest bone in the body. But I’m sure it’s not strong enough to withstand an impact from something like, say, a train. So,” Thurmond crouched, finally blocking out the sun, “you are going to tell me where you hid my gold, or you are going to find out just how painful breaking your femur can be.”

“First of all: rude. Secondly: how do I know you’re not bluffing? There are abandoned train tracks, like, all over the place. I think. But even so how do you know a train’s even gonna-” a faint whistle sounded in the distance. “That is a train whistle.” Castys looked down the tracks, where he could see a faint black spot that was growing larger with alarming speed. “That is a train.” He nodded and looked back at Thurmond. “You’re an ass”

“I simply want you to return what’s mine, and your continued refusal to do so has forced my hand.” The train whistle sounded again, louder this time. Castys could feel the tracks rumbling under him.

“There are at least...five other things you could have done that were not as horribly fucked up as this. I might just refuse to talk out of spite for you being such a big dickhead.” But as the train grew closer and closer, he could feel fear starting to wear down his resolve.

“I don’t mind waiting.” Thurmond straightened and stepped back. “Especially since I think we’re just going to have to let this train pass.” Castys didn’t even need to look to see how close the train was getting, he could feel it, he could hear it, there wasn’t any time-

“Alright, fine, fine, I’ll tell you, it’s in Red River Gorge, now will you please untie me?!” Castys shouted over the roar of the fast-approaching train. Thurmond simply leaned down, holding a hand to his ear, a massive asshole gesture.

“What was that, now?! I can’t hear you!” Castys could hardly hear him over the sound of the train’s whistle, but he could feel the ground rumbling beneath him, the metal of the tracks vibrating intensely under his thighs. There was no escape, no matter how much he struggled, this was inevitable, he was going to get run over by a fucking train. Terror unlike any he’d felt jacked his heartrate up so much that he felt like he was going to burst out of his chest, but even its rapid pulses were drowned out by the all-consuming tremor of the huge, metal beast that was bearing down on him, moments away from ripping him to shreds-

Collision. 

Destruction. 

Agony. 

If anything could have been heard over the roar of the train, it would have been two sickening cracks followed by a scream so desperate, so pained, it almost sounded inhuman. Castys couldn’t tell he was screaming, he couldn’t tell if he even existed. The only thing he knew in the world was that it hurt. It felt like every part of him had been replaced with the pure concept of anguish. All other sensations, thoughts, and feelings were drowned in the relentless torrent of misery. And when death came for him, he welcomed its sweet release.

“Well, well, look at that, back as good as new,” Thurmond’s voice purred above him. Castys groaned as he regained consciousness. He still felt phantom stings of that horrible, horrible pain, and he wasn’t about to let himself experience it again. And since his ankles were still magically secured to the tracks, there was only one way out.

“Well that was fun. Not as fun as riding down to Red River Gorge and digging around under the butte that looks like a cat, but still fun,” he huffed, opening his eyes. “Wanna try that next?”

“I’ll take you up on that offer.” Thurmond smiled and motioned to his men. “Let’s go.”

“Hey, aren’t you, uh, forgetting something?” Castys wiggled, thankfully no longer in pain from either his legs or his hands, but boy was he sticky. He was never a fan of being covered in blood, especially not his own. “I held up my end of the deal, so how about we stop littering all over the railway, huh?” He tried as best as he could to gesture with his head to the tracks, now strewn with shards of bone and twisted chunks of flesh. 

“I think the buzzards will take care of the cleanup, and I’m not sure how much I trust the word of someone like you.” Thurmond mounted his horse and the rest of the men did the same. “We’ll go check the location out, and if we find you were telling the truth, then we’ll untie you.” Thurmond smiled and tipped his hat. “Until then, don’t be a strainger.”

“What-you can’t be fucking serious, you can’t just leave me here, asshat! And that pun didn’t even make any sense!” Castys was certain the men could hear him, but none of them even so much as turned back to look at him as they galloped away. “What if you come back and I’m gone?! I’ll get all the gold then! And I’m gonna lick all of it so even if you-okay they’re just straight-up not coming back. Lovely,”  Castys huffed. Maybe he’d get lucky and no more trains would come by and he could just lay here and get sunburned. Might as well try to nap since he didn’t really get to sleep last night. It was kind of peaceful out here, despite the fact that it was so hot...

In the distance, a train whistle blew.

Castys Cult: @as-a-matter-of-whump​ @blackrosesandwhump​ @fanmanga1357-blog​ @poppys-whumping​ @thehopelessopus​ @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi​

[florestmoon]

Hey ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) can I request some soft nsfw head cannons for Pyramid Head x a fem reader?

Anon you read my mind , I was literally having pyramid head brain rot this week and now I can finally write about it <3 this is my first time using this kind of format too !

Nswf below the cut !

Okay but pyramid head is definitely so damn touchy. Like he always needs to be touching you in some way, even if it’s not in a sexual way. Whether it be when he’s carrying you around Silent Hill, suspiciously having his hand over your butt (he’s a butt person, I said it!) or when you’re actually allowed to walk beside him, he’ll be holding your hand.

I mean he just needs to keep you close by him okay? If it were up to him, he would keep you throw over his shoulder all the time whenever you both roamed the ghost town that was silent hill

this dude will not give you any space at ALL . He hovers over you like a helicopter whenever you roamed outside of where he stayed.

Like once you were just checking out one of the stores, looking for any medical supplies or food because for fuck sake you really wished for at least some cup of noodles ??, when you felt the shadow of his huge helmet cover you and you knew that he was getting impatient and just wanted you alone

He needs to make sure none of those creatures that roam silent hill can get close enough to hurt you. So yeah, he’ll hold your hand or keep you pressed against his side if it means nothing that’s not him will get their hands on you. And trust me, you’ve seen what he does with that gigantic knife to anyone or anything who dares to touch what’s his.

He can’t handle the idea that anything would dare to taint your skin, the softness and warmth should be something only he can feel.

He just loves roaming his hands all over you. His favorite position would be you just being on his lap, his hands moving from your thighs up to your waist, and slowly dragging itself up to your breast, groping them. Even with how huge his hands (and entire body) was compared to you, he could easily be rough but he’s surprisingly gentle. The gentleness only increasing your pleasure as he would remove your top and pinch and roll your nipples between his fingers.

He could spend hours just exploring your body with his hands. He didn’t care if you were a mess and were practically a babbling mess, begging for him to finally give you what you wanted

because if there was anything he loved more than touching you, it would be the sounds that escaped you when he did. Your whimpers and soft cries was like heaven to his ears. It was angelic in the hell that was his home

And once he finally gave in and slid into you, you didn’t even have to do anything. Yeah you were a pillow princess. He would hold onto your hips and just move you on his cock, fucking into you as you just let him manhandle your body the way he wants.

Your hands gripping his shoulders while he made you ride him with one hand on your waist, the other continuing to grip your ass or play with your boobs.

He would focus on your pleasure first, making sure you came hard on his cock before allowing him to cum inside you.

His rough groping would slow down as you came down from the high, rubbing your back or cheek while you waited for your body to stop shaking from the overstimulation.

but dont worry, he still wasn’t done with you .

[fyodorsmistress]

anything for you - kinktober fic one

⁎ pairing: omega!fyodor and gn!reader

⁎ content: 18+, minors DNI! includes omegaverse, fingering, fluff

⁎ notes: first fic of kinktober!! for those who dont know yet: i used to be pussydrunkfyodor, but my account was terminated. i am starting over here, and this is the start of my new, revamped kinktober! omega fyodor has become my guilty pleasure, have fun <3 (art by the loml, @nameless-noodles)

♫ now playing: angel baby by troye sivan ♫

You had only gotten up to fetch some water, snacks, and painkillers, which took about five minutes. But those five minutes took about an hour of convincing the poor omega glued to your body that it was necessary, and you would be right back. He whined, repeating over and over how he didn’t understand why you had to leave, despite you rewording it as many ways as you could think of.

I swear I will come right back next to you, baby, I just need to run to the kitchen.

You need food and water to live, Fedya.

I also need food and water to live, darling.

His heat had been quite intense this cycle, meaning that you being out of his eyesight made him feel like the world itself was ending. The only reason he finally released you from his iron grip was because his cramps had reached their worst, and that pain was currently outweighing the emotional distress of you being gone. If only by the tiniest bit.

You asked if he wanted to FaceTime you while you were gone but he just shook his head and whimpered in pain, curling into a fetal position. Squeezing his hands tight and pressed your foreheads together, you swore up and down that you just wanted to take care of him, and you were never going to abandon him. He nodded and sniffed, so you tucked him in tight to his nest, covering him in all his blankets and surrounding him with pillows, before heading off. Running to the kitchen, you grabbed a tote bag and quickly tossed in as many water bottles, random snacks and sandwiches, and medications you could find. But still, when you returned to the bedroom slightly out of breath, you could hear quiet sniffles from the man buried underneath the mountain of blankets. You sighed deeply before shutting the door behind you and making your way over to the nest.

Sitting on the edge of the bed still holding the tote bag, you gently peeled back the covers hiding Fyodor’s face to look at him. Sure enough, his cheeks burned a fiery red as tears flowed from his eyes. You honestly figured this would happen.

“Fedya, baby? I’m right here. Can you sit up for me a little?” you cooed, using your fingers to brush his bangs out of his eyes. He just whined and buried himself even deeper into his nest, making you groan.

“Brat,” you muttered to yourself.

It took some gentle manhandling, but you were eventually able to bring Fyodor up to the surface enough to shove some painkillers and a bottle of water in his hand, watching with your eyebrows raised as he downed the pills.

“Drink at least half of that water,” you instructed, still mindful to keep your voice soft.

He tried to whine, but after telling him you wouldn’t cuddle with him until he drank water and ate a handful of grapes, he choked both down as fast as he could. You laughed as he handed back the half-empty water bottle with a sour look on his face, but held up your end of the deal.

Pulling off your sweatpants before returning to the nest – it got hot as hell underneath there – you climbed back into the little sanctuary with your mate you adored so much. After situating yourself back inside, you turned on your side to look into his sad eyes, offering a small smile.

“Hi,” you whispered.

He met your gaze and you could tell he was starting to cheer up thanks to your return, and you sighed in relief. At least he wasn’t upset for long.

Fyodor didn’t respond, just scooted closer to you, and nuzzled deep into your chest as you wrapped your arms tightly around him. You could feel the tension in his slim body melt away as he sighed, tangling his long legs with yours. For extra comfort, you began running your fingers through his soft, dark hair and pressing light kisses to his forehead. You smiled to yourself as he started to purr quietly. You laid there for a while, grazing your fingertips up and down his back and scratching lightly. He had subconsciously began sucking on your neck near one of your scent glands, and you had to hold back laughs as his teeth tickled your throat. He suddenly pulled his head back so he could look at you.

“What is it, darling?” you asked, brushing his hair out of his face.

You could tell he was about to say something, mouth ajar, but stopped himself with a hmph and averted his eyes.

“Fedya?”

His brought out his arms from where he had had them curled underneath himself so he could snake them under your t-shirt. Skin to skin contact was very important to him in his heats.

“Can you-“ he grumbled, cutting himself off once again. You used your index finger to lift his chin up, forcing him to look at you.

“You know you can ask me anything, love. I will do anything for you.”

“Will y- will you croon for me?” he whispered before burying his face under the covers.

You laughed at the absurdity of the question – the fact that it even needed to be a question.

“Of course I will, you know that. All you have to do is say the words,” you assured him.

Hugging him tight, you allowed for the deep purr-like sound to rise from your chest. You could tell by the slowing of his breathing and the sweetening of his scent that it was calming him down. He found so much comfort in the vibrations but was always embarrassed to ask for it. You felt him start to purr louder in return – one of your favorite noises.

After a bit, his scent began to sweeten a little too much, and your mind began to wander. His pained moans confirmed your suspicions.

“Is everything okay?” you whispered. He groaned even louder.

“I’m…. leaking. A lot,” he replied, voice so small it was barely audible. He untangled his legs from yours so he could squeeze his thighs together.

“May I help?” You always tried to phrase things very gently to Fyodor in this state. If he got too embarrassed, he would stop speaking up at all, and taking care of the omega became next to impossible.

“Would you?”

“You know I always will.”

You gripped his thigh so you could hook it over your hips, allowing you better access, before your hands wandered lower. Being very slow and delicate about it, you made sure to ask is this okay? with every new movement.

Your hand eventually came to his lower back and began massaging the soft fat, making him moan. Gently inserting your fingers into the cleft of his ass, your fingers found his very wet hole. He was not exaggerating when he said it was a lot. The slick dripped out of him steadily, streaming down his thighs and gathering in the cleavage. You teased his hole to see how ready he was, and the way it gaped in response was all you needed to know.

Making sure it was well slicked, you slipped your middle finger into his hole, and the moan he let out was ungodly. You went slow to be able to assess how receptive his body would be; feeling no resistance, you pushed in the digit all the way to your knuckle. Fyodor was already whining and clawing at the skin of your back, and you had barely just begun. You allowed for him to adjust to the foreign presence before slowly starting to pump the finger in and out of him. He threw his head back at the friction he had so desperately been waiting for, and you smiled before pressing kisses to his jaw.

Not long after, you added your ring finger in right beside it, and his hole received it willingly. He whimpered and whined as you thrusted both fingers into him with increasing speed, attempting to angle them right enough to hit his prostate. It didn’t take long – you knew Fedya’s body well at that point. The second you made contact with his prostate his back arched into you and he whined even louder.

“More, please,” he begged.

“Do you think you can take one more?” you asked, continuing to fuck him with your fingers. He nodded ferociously, and you could feel him clench tightly around the digits.

Pushing in your index finger required no effort – you wondered how long he had been this needy before he ever said anything. You got a little rougher with the third finger added, transitioning between scissoring them to stretch him out even more, to pumping them in and out quickly.

He mewed as he attached his mouth to your throat once more, saliva dripping out of his mouth and beginning to soak your t-shirt. You just chuckled to yourself.

Your hand was absolutely drenched with the sweet-smelling slick at that point, and you could feel it beginning to pool underneath him. You briefly thought about how best to break the news that you would need to change the sheets of his nest soon.

You could tell he was reaching his climax as his erection was leaking through his underwear as well, and he tightened the grip of his leg wrapped around you, toes curling in anticipation. You increased your rhythm once again, and he moaned and tried to chase the feeling, desperate to ride your fingers.

“Do you want to come, Fedya?” you whispered in his ear. All he could do was moan in response. You caught his lips with yours, kissing him deeply as you fucked into him.

“I’m gon- I’m gonna-“ he could barely get the words out.

“C’mon, baby, come for me.”

He began rubbing himself against your belly, chasing the friction against his cock he so desperately needed. He kissed you back sloppily, all teeth and tongue as his focus wavered.

Not long after, he arched his back and cried out your name before he released into his boxers, and drenched your hand even more with the sweet substance as slick flowed out of him. You fucked him through the whole thing, only stopping when his body stilled. You slowly pulled out your fingers with a dirty pop, and he whined at the sudden loss of fullness. You couldn’t help but to bring your hand up to your mouth and suck the slick off your fingers. It was your favorite taste.

“Is that better, Fedya?” you cooed. “…Fedya?”

You pulled back a little to search his face, and sure enough, he had passed out, slumped against your chest. You just laughed and hugged him closer – he had been so agitated lately; he needed the sleep. Hoping to lull him into a very restful and long sleep you started to croon, and he snuggled impossibly closer to you. You smiled and peppered his slack face with kisses as you situated the messed-up covers and plushies around Fyodor, burying him deep in his nest just the way he liked it. You honestly could not love your omega any more than you already did.

[tigerdrop]

hello everyone . i have.....an image. on my website. i started thinking about that werewolf AU thing again and could not stop thinking

i dont remember if i posted the half-finished werewolf fic i was noodling on but i will post it here for u anyway. as a treat

For the most part, Gordon’s gotten used to this strange new relationship. When you’ve spent long enough tucking a long, fluffy tail into your waistband every couple of weeks, it’s not much of a stretch to accept that there’s another guy just like you out there. Even if it is a little weird that you both work at the same top-secret facility in a dusty New Mexico hamlet that isn’t actually listed on the map. (He’s started to wonder if maybe he isn’t the only experiment-gone-wrong at that place.)

The point is, hanging out with guys from work isn’t that out of the ordinary. Plenty of the other researchers do it. And there’s not much else to do on the weekends but shoot the shit with that security guard who’s always lingering around his wing. The one who’s all… rules-lawyer-y and irritating and determined to be a thorn in Gordon’s side, sure, but it’s not like any of the other security guards talk to him much.

The fact that Benrey’s a fucking werewolf ought to throw a wrench in things. But like he said - he’s gotten used to it. Gordon’s threshold for bullshit has increased tenfold since he started to work at Black Mesa. The more worrying thing, in his opinion, is that they are definitely going to fuck.

It’s not like it was a foregone conclusion, he thinks desperately, as he idles away his lunch break by spinning the wheels in his head like a hamster. Their whole thing started off, like, normal! If you find out that your coworker is also of the canine persuasion, it just makes sense that you’d hang out and do canine things every once in awhile. Chasing chickens can get you shot out here in the desert. Chasing each other? Not so much. It was as much for Gordon’s benefit as Benrey’s, even if Gordon’s not exactly the one scaring goats and tearing up abandoned RVs when he gets a little stir-crazy.

Howling at the moon together was one thing. But Gordon’s not sure who started all the… playing. Fighting. Roughhousing. It just felt good to get all that animal energy out of him, okay? And Benrey’s the only guy he knows who can keep up with him. That’s what sealed his fate, probably. All that exercise gives him endorphins, right, and endorphins make you feel good, and humans are social creatures ruled by hormones (and he’s still half-human, at least) and he got to associating those good feelings with the one guy who drives him the most fucking insane in the entire complex. Good feelings like… like the shivers that crawl up the back of Gordon’s neck when he feels Benrey jam his snout up against his hairline and sniff. Or that heavy weight crushing him to the ground while Benrey chuffs at him. Or the feeling of hands, broad and massive and tipped with sharp, sharp claws, palming at his stomach and pinning him and pushing and pulling and manhandling and—

And—

Gordon blinks, and he’s already late to get back to his shift. Shit.

Every day that passes brings him closer to the full moon, and every unreadable gaze that Benrey fixes him with in the hallways brings him closer to a neurotic breakdown. Because they are definitely going to fuck. He can feel it.

He’s been aware of that electric tension in the air for months, now, because now he can smell just how bad Benrey’s got it for him. He— Gordon thought it was a joke, okay? He’s used to jokes like that. But Benrey can’t fake those pheromones that roll off of him in waves, every time he bows his head to invite Gordon to play. Gordon couldn’t pick up on shit like that before the whole… Nintendogging thing.

And even if he didn’t have his nose on his side, well. Benrey’s been acting kind of funny lately, anyway. Squeezing him tighter. Panting harder. Grinding his teeth. Letting his tongue loll out of his mouth, like he’s trying so hard to take in Gordon’s scent that he thinks he can taste it. And Gordon’s pretty sure he’s felt something worryingly boner-like pressed against him before, but he’s never felt like he should ask. He doesn’t wanna be the guy to break kayfabe and broach the subject. Like, maybe Benrey’s not even aware it’s happening. Or at least, that’s what he tries to convince himself of, because he’s having a very hard time coming to grips with the fact that he wouldn’t mind. That he’s dwelled on the idea a little too much. That his Google searches have gotten really fucking weird lately.

By the time that moon waxes into fullness again, Gordon has spent an obscene amount of time trying to come to grips with this. And, for the most part, he has failed.

Their usual haunt is a dry, sandy clearing just outside the town borders, a plot of land stretching out into the desert with a half-assed barbed wire fence wrapped around the side. The signs tacked to the fenceposts read “No Trespassing”, but they’re hardly the only ones to ignore them, judging by the way it’s been used as an impromptu dump. This month, the new additions include a busted toilet and a couch with a massive burn hole in the cushions. Gordon sits on it while he waits, tugging nervously at the sides of the ugly beanie he’s wearing. It was cheap. It hides his dog ears. What more do you want out of him?

There’s a shuffling in the distance. Gordon’s ears might be muffled, but they prick up anyway. It’s probably Benrey, but he can’t say for sure, because he’s been wrong before and having to explain the fucking dog ears to a stranger who’s just as freaked out as he is about being caught trespassing left its own indelible mark on him. (Perpetual embarrassment, mostly.)

He cranes his neck to look for the source, but—

Something hits him, from his blind spot— a massive weight, a force tackling him clear off the couch, and he lets out a shout until he hits the ground and all the air bursts from his lungs with a loud “woof”. He rolls— they roll— until they come to a stop, dust kicked up from underneath them and making Gordon cough. Once his eyes stop watering and he can breathe again, he looks up.

Benrey. Tongue lolling. Tail wagging. Clearly having turned before he got here. Gordon closes his eyes, long-suffering.

“You wanna give me some warning next time, man?” Gordon coughs out.

“i did warn you. take that… stupid hat off, huh, maybe you’ll hear me better next time. even said your name and everything - ‘here, doggy, doggy.’”

“What— Fuck off, no you didn’t!” He squirms in Benrey’s grip, but the guy’s got a tight hold on his wrists. So he’s resorting to surprise tactics to get the upper hand, huh? “What kinda werewolf are you? Scared you’re not gonna win if you don’t, fucking, scare me half to death first—”

Benrey barks out a laugh, cutting him off. His face is… really close, actually. Close enough that Gordon can smell his breath. It’s not exactly pleasant, but at least it’s drowned out by the, uh, the other things Gordon’s picking up on. The heady smell he’s come to associate with Benrey on nights like this: warm, musky, a little sour. A little overwhelming.

Then he drags Gordon out of that train of thought by gingerly plucking that beanie off of Gordon’s head. Gordon blinks. He’s got an arm free now, sure, but he’s not really thinking about that right now. His dog ears twitch from the sudden chill.

“no handicaps. fox only. final destination,” Benrey says.

He dangles Gordon’s beanie above his face, just within reach, but when the gears in Gordon’s head churn at last and he swipes at Benrey’s hands, Benrey yanks it away again. And again. It’s so goddamn hard to lunge properly when Benrey’s crushing his legs like this! And he’s just sitting there, staring at Gordon with impassive, heavily-lidded eyes. As if Gordon can’t tell he’s laughing in his little fucking circus show of a brain.

“Fucking— Give me that!” Gordon throws all his weight into it.

“try harder.” And Benrey just jerks it out of his reach.

It’s stupid. It’s so stupid. He’s a grown man. He doesn’t care that much about the hat. But he can’t drag his eyes away, either.

Wants it. Wants the hat. Knows better than to go after the stupid hat. He’s not an animal. He wants the hat. Benrey’s smirking at him. Something hot crawls up his shoulders - embarrassment. He almost snatches the hat in his teeth. They click together.

Click. Growl.

He wants it. He’s better than this. His heart’s pounding. He’s livid. He’s exhilarated. Benrey needs to quit fucking with him and let him get his goddamn hat!

“whassamatter?” Benrey taunts, leaning in closer. His nose is just inches from Gordon’s. “gettin’ mad? huh? gonna die mad about it, maybe—”

Gordon cuts him off with a sudden lunge forward, cracking their skulls together. All Benrey can do is grunt in surprise and draw back again.

“ow, what the hell, man?” whines Benrey. He gingerly rubs at his nose.

He’s not looking at Gordon anymore. He’s not braced evenly. The beanie dangles from his claws like an afterthought. Gordon wrests his body to the side in one last-ditch effort to free himself, and—

And Benrey lets out a strangled sound as Gordon rocks him off-balance, toppling him to the ground. Gordon’s on him in a heartbeat - he pounces, trying to shove Benrey flat against the dusty earth, but Benrey rolls and Gordon grips at his arms and they both tumble, around and around like laundry in a washing machine. It’s sloppy and chaotic and Gordon can’t keep himself from laughing, the thrill of physical exertion bursting out of him in a loud bark.

Eventually, their momentum grinds to a halt, and Gordon’s the one sitting smugly on top of him. Hat in hand. His tail thumps against Benrey’s side.

“You’re messing with the wrong guy. I’m in the zone tonight, man. Been doing a bunch of cardio lately,” Gordon tells him. Excitement and adrenaline make his words tumble out of him in a rush. “Black Mesa’s really good for jogging around, did you know that? And I’ve started doing squats at my desk, too. Got the idea from one of my podcasts. I think it’s really paying off!” Gordon’s tail lifts up, and it flicks back and forth erratically. Subconsciously.

Benrey’s eyes fixate on the motion, following it back and forth, back and forth. As if he’s not listening. “uh huh.”

“Hey, Earth to Benrey. Are you even paying attention to me?” he says testily, snapping his fingers in front of Benrey’s face.

“wuh?” Benrey blinks, but it takes him a solid couple of seconds to drag his gaze away from Gordon’s tail.

Irritation mounts in him.

————————-

Benrey squeezes him tight against his chest, one arm looped around Gordon’s upper body and the other around his stomach. A clawed hand scrabbles at the hem of Gordon’s shirt, worming its way underneath, broad and hot against his skin. Gordon sucks in a sharp breath - God, it’s so big that it almost spans the width of him when Benrey’s got his fingers all splayed out like that, as if he’s trying to palm as much of Gordon as he can in one go. And he’s a pretty big guy. That’s saying something.

Sharp nails dig into him, and he can’t help the nasal little whine he makes in response. Like he’s a fucking dog. (No matter how much dog hair he has to get off his sheets every month, Gordon Freeman is not a dog. He has a master’s degree, for God’s sake!) It’s, it’s just fear, it’s the expected human response to the very real threat of Benrey gutting him like a pig, and that’s all it is. Heart pounding. Sweating. Shivering. And the anticipatory flush that crawls down his face to his chest, that’s, uh, that’s a normal fear response, too.

Against his neck, he feels something cold and wet. He shudders visibly, and Benrey huffs through his nose. A heavy breath follows, hot, humid, and so close to Gordon’s ear that it makes goosebumps pebble on his skin. He’s… he’s sniffing Gordon. Panting, even.

“bullshit,” Benrey rasps. “been watchin’ you all night. you think you’re so smart ‘cuz you’re not just some… fuckin’… security guard,” he continues, voice low and throaty and right in Gordon’s ear, and he grips Gordon tighter. “but you’re stupid as shit, ivy league. i can smell it on you.”

Gordon chokes. When he struggles, he feels those pinpoint pressures sharpen, a warning not to move too much. So he tries to meter his breathing and keep himself very, very still.

“What are you talking about?” he bluffs.

Benrey sucks in a deep breath at the nape of Gordon’s neck. “fuuuck, gordon,” he slurs, before abruptly rolling them to the side.

Gordon’s flipped belly-up, still crushed against Benrey’s chest, and he yelps - he swears Benrey’s claws are gonna slip, his abdomen’s thrust up into the air, he feels exposed and vulnerable and incredibly fleshy, like, in a ‘carcass on a butcher’s block’ kind of way.

[and then they fuck i guess. Yippee]

[weabooweedwitch]

I didn't realize how small Louie is until that recent photo!! Lil baby face! He's adorable!

Yesss hes only three months old and I love how tiny and sweet he is 🥰 even a lady at the pet store jokingly said to take tons of pics while he's a small baby cause they grow and all, so I plan on being a total shutterbug with him and taking lots of shots because, eventually, he'll be a big noodle and get to drape around my neck and other stuff. Maybe I'll even get him a little tree or something for enrichment 🥰

for a baby he doesn't really ball up though! Or maybe I dont manhandle him aggressively enough for him to feel scared enough to ball, which is technically good, although I must admit, I find their balling habit so, so cute 🥺 it makes my heart explode when they're all curled up like a cinnamon roll and you can just practically roll em 🥰❤🥰❤🥰

[ishqbaaaaz]

Ishqbaaaz- August 24 2017 - Episode 352

Chalo bhai! The calm before the storm! I know shit will go down tomorrow so today will be the lead up!

 Annika bby is sulking this aint newwwww

Queen did anyone really have faith in Shivaay lmao

SHIVAAY IS LEAVING THE RING

“main tumhe khona nahi chatha”

100 bucks says someone will take the ring

More sulking with Annika hayee yeh kab khatam hoga

Shivaay turned the lights on

Why they couldnt have a conversation like normal people is BEYOND me

SHE SEES THE LIGHTS

THERE SHE GOES RUNNING ALL MAJESTIC

aaaaaand the ring aint there

wow

did

not 

expect 

this

of course Viku took the ring duh

SHIVAAY THINKS SHE TOOK THE RING AND HES SO EXCITED OH MY GOD IM HURTING

Here comes Annika

ok honestly, her hair should have been down

IF NAIRA CAN HAVE HER HAIR OPEN THEN SO CAN ANNIKA

But i actually like the suit, they didnt put her in feathers or like a table cloth

who is this woman

oh shes the designer isnt she i cant remember her name, why are we spending time on her lol

PAANIKA IS BACK BABY 

I missed you boo

LOL hes mad and confused yeah i’d be too

she thinks he didnt leave the ring but he did

and he thinks she took the ring but she didnt

kya siyapa hega

hes confused as to why shes dressed for the wedding

he says she fulfilled her demands

CAN U USE MORE WORDS THAN THE SAME ONES OH MY GOD

This begging thing again, if this isnt foreshadowing to him asking for forgiveness imma be pissed

wow everyone magically showed up

“chaliye vikram” ANNIKA STOOOPPPPPP 

Lol Shivaay is mad THIS IS UR OWN FAULT BBY

why is pinky talking, no one cares about what you say

Ruvya getting “married”

yeah man, theyre gonna screw us. theres gonna be no shivika wedding and the wedding will actually be ruvya’s 

man people are gonna be pissed because they advertised it as the shivika wedding ohhh baby i bet me money on it

the woman dressed as a man is probs Sultan

lol i was right 

girl has manly hands

ouu bhavya pulled out the gun

Viku is so sketch man im over you

100% hes calling Nagini

LOL i was right

BUT WHAT IS VIKU’S ANGLE? IM SO CONFUSED BY HIS ROLE IN THIS

Shivaay pacing and panicking

“maine kuch nahi kiya” LOL EXCUSE ME? THIS WEDDING WAS ALL YOUR IDEA BOOBOO

“Ta-ta bye-bye ka ishara kar diya” LOL

Gauri is queen look at her riling up Shivaay

Gauri is roasting Shivaay omg

“meri height kam hai?” LOL 

SAHIL YAS BBY WELCOME BACK

VIKRAM JIIJU BYEEEEEEEE SAHIL

“annika didi heels nahi pein sakti thi kyunki..” LMAO THIS ROAST

Pinky kameeni is so excited and i wanna smack her

back to Ruvya, Bhavya bby why didnt you wait for back up

oh shit the brides are there not the dudes

smoke bomb? do people still use those?

THEYRE CHASING THEM IN A RIKSHAW 

Viku changed the venue what a smartypants 

wow he has a mandap all ready

lmao Shivaay is ripping all of Viku’s magazines

Omki and Gauri tryna cheese Shivaay

LOL SUHAAG RAAT KE BAAD

LMAO SHIVAAY BE LIKE IF I DIDNT GET IT NEITHER CAN HE

LOL HES SO MAD

Annika is v confused

enter Nagini

aaaaand Annika ki bati jal gai

ok but even if Annika married Viku, Shivaay still wouldnt marry Nagini lol

NAGINI JUST PUSHED HER LOL ARE WE IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL?

SHE CALLED OUT FOR SHIVAAY AND HE SENSED HER GOD DAMN THAT SHIT IS MY FAV

Ok Viku only stepped on the phone, it aint broke bby you need to hit up the apple store thats some bullshit

i see so many parallel gifs in my head ouuu this is gonna be fun

Pinky calls and tells that theyre at the venue and they arent there and he cancelled the venue

They calling Viku and Annika and no one is answering duh

Gauri called Bhavya to trace Annika’s phone

ok but if its broke how is she gonna trace it

SHIVAAY WENT TO COMFORT SAHIL BYE 

THIS IS WHAT HE SAID WHEN HE WENT TO SAVE HER FROM DAKSH

PINKY PROMISE WOW FUCK ME UP

Bhavya caught up to Sultan

homegirl is flashing back real hard

BHAVYA HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL THAT ITS A WOMAN AND NOT A MAN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A COP

lol why are we back to Tej and Jhanvi im just gonna skip them because no one cares i know

OH SHIT NVM LOL SWETLANA HAS RETURNED TO FUCK YA’LL UP

ok i still dont understand Swetlana’s angle, she isnt the real swetlana, so she would have no reason to want revenge from the oberois from the beginning, and the real swetlana was such a good noodle but her mother raised her to be angry and to take revenge??? I DONT UNDERSTAND LOL

Oh shit Sultan shot 

aaaaand Rudra pushed her aside

alright big Sultan reveal

aand...who is this

I DONT UNDERSTAND?? WHY IS SHE SO YOUNG?? IF SHE WAS OLDER WHEN BHAVYA WAS A KID, NOW THAT BHAVYA IS OLDER, HOW IS SULTAN SO YOUNG????? 

This girl’s hair is so pretty though 

now shes dressing up like a woman

i feel like i know this girl from someone - note to self, google her

aaand forwarding Tej

PRECAP: Wow Viku is manhandling my jaanu

THE CREW IS HERE TO FUCK YA’LL UP 

AHHH HISAB PURA KARLO 

HE HIT HIM 

HIMAT KAISE HUI MERI BIWI KO HAATH LAGANE KI

SIGN ME THE FUCK UP

WOW IM READY FOR TOMORROW THIS WILL FINALLY BE OVER SOON IM SO HAPPY

See ya’ll tomorrow! 

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

ah i almsot forgot: warning, the following has mainly snarky opinions on Spirit of Justice. Reader discretion is advised.

and we’re back to our scheduled programming

time to be rendered unconscious against your will you lil shit

-

“i hardly think anyone could pass out from eating something like this”

clearly you dont know what world youre living in, Sadmad.

...also he... might be allergic, guys. ever thought of that? 

-

yes, EAT! EAT OR WE WILL HARASS YOU, POSSIBLY INNOCENT BYSTANDER!!! YOU THINK YOU HAVE RIGHTS???? CRAM THAT SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT BEFORE I DO!!!!

-

...uh;

-

FIVE IS NOT AN OCCUPATION!!! EAT ANOTHER BUN AS PUNISHMENT!!!! REGRESS FURTHER!!!! HFKJGU;SUUSRSO 

coping jokes aside holy shit 

don’t hurt this tiny boy!!!

-

i hope you all feel guilty for being such pricks.

look at him. he's curled up under his jacket like a traumatized baby 

at least this personality... sort of aligns with how DID is supposed to work? But now i just feel even worse. Someone get that kid a teddy and a juice-box, stat!

-

“Its clear that none of his personalities could be the killer!”

A) one of the three could still be lying

B) there’s four so far, what’s to discount a fifth? triggered by... i dunno, a reefer brownie.

C) I'm actually glad he's not the killer anyway just wanted to point out the possibilities youre discounting there

-

i love that theyre playing the goofy X people music for a traumatized five year old who witnessed a horrific murder of a loved one.

-

“I believe the person who laid the cards out is the very person who killed the victim” WELL.... DOY.

-

“How quickly you move onto a new theory when your old theory proves false!”

WELL.......... DOY

-

I love that theyre all just yelling and screaming about murder while the tiny child cowers behind the bench

hello??? anybody with compassion anywhere? maybe in the gallery? a bailiff? anybody???

-

“his emotions are spiralling out of control! something must have really frightening him”

maybe 

THE FUCKING MURDER????

athena youre a psychologist; dont you know anything about calming people down or at least putting them at ease? youre gonna put scars on this kid’s scars!

i mean at least Cody Hackins was fairly fearless and defiant about what happened to him and only really broke down once it dawned on him what he’d actually seen. Owen is clearly very, very upset.

-

i passed out *image promptly closes eyes*

-

“poor kid, he's absolutely terrified of something”

KDJFKLDGDGL

“whatever it is, it might be the root of his out of control emotions!”

DSHFA;SLGHOHSO GIRSHG’ 

-

“see, all we got out of this boy is a tale he dreamt up”

fuck off sadmad

-

(sigh) Owen’s on his side, Shisho’s laying down, just get to it already

-

“rotating your thinking about?”

“oh! you mean turning your thinking around!”

“yeah, whatever...”

(SNERK)

-

“like the forehead, perhaps”

is that... just a random location or is it actually going to come true

also, back at the office, Apollo winces and he can’t figure out why

-

oh yeah its definitely gonna come back.

-

WHOA; OK, MANHANDLING 

MANHANDLING, NOT GOOD

STEP AWAY FROM THE ATTORNEY, BLACKQUILL

yeah just fucking manhandle the stressed out anxious girl. you piece of shit.  i knew me being your friend wouldn’t fuckin last.

-

“MOTIVE, OPPORTUNITY, EVIDENCE??? IS THAT ALL IT TAKES TO MAKE YOU STOP BELIEVING IT YOUR CLIENT?!”

to be fuckin fair, cuckoo, thats usually what loses most cases.

-

would phoenix manhandle athena?? would he berate her and shake her into doing her best?? i highly doubt it.

-

“prosecutor blackquill was just giving me a pep talk, thats all!”

athena thats unhealthy

-

legitimately simon’s been nothing but unpleasant this entire time. its fun to watch him wreck sadmad’s shit but he needs to keep the hell away from athena. whatever protective, elder-brotherly instincts he had for her in DD seem to have stayed in DD.

-

man I'm looking back at my previous commentary and i was. i was just so optimistic. how foolish. franziska, bring down your lash upon this foolishly foolish fool.

atcuall dont i bruise like a peach

-

jeez now I'm imagining Super Dad™ Phoenix Wright cross examining Owen with Athena instead and it’s melting my cold, hard heart

-

“unfortunately, i spy nothing of the sort”

again Sadmad acts like if he doesn't see the answer, then it’s nonexistent 

not very monk-y of you, Sadmad.

-

gotta admit, i love this unique murder weapon

ive actually nearly suffocated under soft, cold, gloopy stuff and lemme tell you, its not fun.

-

...i love that simon took that logic-attack for us 

maybe the animators just wanted to play his OH SHIT animation again 

-

i know it looks like i pick on everything but in fact i edit these down. sometimes i take out whole statements because i rationalize them and realize that theyre actually plausible and i let them slide. so just, y’know. if you think I'm just blindly going at it, i am actually giving this game the benefit of the doubt. you just dont see it.

...if you read these

...uh

-

they used the pre-prepped noodles in the fridge. c’mon guys, as athena would say: Andale!

-

“perhaps the victim was simply playing with the cards, and they hold no other meaning”

oh NOW THEY COULD BE UNRELATED TO THE CASE

OF COURSE, NOW THAT IT’S CONVENIENT TO YOU

you sack’a shit

-

nice cliffhanger, kid.

Oh well; I’m partially glad that the poor lil guy can get a rest, and partially upset that his last two surfaces put him through intense anguish. maybe get Uendo drunk and go to the theatre or something, guys. poor baby could use a pick-me-up.

-

n no–– rise from the ashes flashbacks–– RISE FROM THE ASHES FLASHBACKS

THE LUNCHBOXES

SO MANY LUNCHBOXES

AAAAAHHHHhhhhi gotta give bucky a hand; being drunk and riding a skateboard while supporting a tower of bentos isn’t an easy feat

-

ew slurping 

-

and simon extends his douchiness to the guys he's even shafting Athena for.

just, fuckin, lighten the fuck UP simon, CHRIST

-

TIDDIES

seriously tho; we haven’t had a proper boob joke in ages. actually Geiru kinda reminds me of April May...

 Meanwhile we’ve had several testicle references, a drunk guy, and the bloodiest overarching plot the series has ever had. I think we’ve left Ace behind and graduated to Edge Attorney

-

 to be fair the judge could totally be talking about her actual rubber balloons, considering his childlike personality at times. so maybe ITS YOU, SADMAD, WHO’S THE VULGAR ONE!

GET YOUR MIND OUTTA THE GUTTER!!

-

bloooon. i think Drifloon says that, too. Is that a japenese onomatopoeia or something? 

-

ooh he sadMad

heh

i guess its up to simon’s brilliant mind tricks to save us again..?

...yehhhh i knew it

-

...huh. didnt expect that. impressive use of air...sword... skill. 

-

IM NOT A KOORAHEENIST, SHE’S NOT GONNA HEAR ME ANYWAY.

-

i know what theyre building up and yes, i am super excited to see all those balloons pop

-

...i gotta ask tho, why does Athena think those balloon animals are bad?? theyre extremely intricate and they look a lot more like the thing she promised than most of the ones ive seen.

-

aw no the cake disappeared. i want a huge explosion at the end!!

-

“I’ma cut ya, witch!”

...

.....

........

i uh, i have to um,,,,,,, go now

-

SHES GONNA CUT OFF A TIT

GIRD YERSELF ATHENA

-

me, into my DS mic: HOLD IT. Hold IT. Hold it. hold it... hold it... bold it

athena; HOLD IT 

-

simon: athena youre stupid do something. I'm not helping you.

simon: this time I'm going to do something, but god forbid you dont run with it

i dont think we’ve ever had a co counsel add something to the testimony for us before. we’ve had them hint at answers and interrupt trials to get us out of tight spots, but never directly ordering something like that. Guess that proves just how highly BK thinks of Athena’s abilities......

-

ooh the cakes back and there was a pop

im super ready for this

-

shit thats a strong balloon. i wouldn’t advice biting very thing plastic...

-

............

the... fuck???

sadmad: here is what will prove that Geiru IS NOT the murderer!

(geiru reveals buckwheat allergy and ACUAL RED HAND)

how the fuck does that help your case, Sadmad?? We know that the killer used the dough to kill the master by suffocating him with it. Pointing out that she came into contact with the dough, WITH HER HANDS, IS PROVING SHE DID IT.

YOU JUST GOT HER CAUGHT LITERALLY RED-HANDED.

HOW DOES THIS HELP YOUR CASE??????

-

ok well apparently she could die just by being in the room but if we look at how badly her hand has reacted, and is still reacting, Geiru should probably have at least some difficulty talking if “breathing in the flour” was dangerous. If her hand reacted that badly from minor contact, her throat should be shut like a steel trap. what I'm saying is, she’s probably lying about the severity.

-

“As if I would do anything so underhanded”

oh sad-‘trigger my enemies into yielding’-mad, youre hilarious 

-

y’know i just realized, it is a little insensitive of Taifu to make/buy/keep soba around the place. if Geiru is this deadly allergic, he’s risking killing her simply because he can’t give up his precious noodles. thats like living with someone with a deadly peanut allergy and being all “can’t get enough of my PBnJ!!”

-

its time for

Off!

Brand!

Logic!!!!

-

oh. its not. ...ok

-

hang on didnt she say the dough was udon already, or am i misremembering? if she did and everyone just forgot, thats a little sad.

anyway, i guess thats... an alright twist. i still say that saying your witness is allergic to something and showing a reaction on the body part associated with the murder is stupid thing to do.

-

“dont lose your nerve now. keep charging forward or you'll feel my blade at your back”

I'm just gonna let that speak for itself.

-

ah THERES the off brand logic. and we’re finally gonna talk about those fucking noodles in the fridge. its been a long time coming.

-

i like that ‘ramen’ is a third choice every time

-

that was a pretty involved murder. “alright, kill the old man, hmm hmm... make a dish that i’m deathly allergic to to throw of the scent; just gotta get the cooking! make sure Uendo doesn’t wake up and catch me in the act~~ get rid of the dough in a way that is probably time consuming, lalala~ and there! Blooooon, the perfect crime!”

how much time did she have??

-

also how much blood did she lose form that knick on her forehead? if its enough to permeate an entire clump of dough, she should probably need a transfusion.

-

simon: dog pun. have you figured out the twist yet???? DOG PUN, BY THE WAY. JUST SO YOU KNOW.

-

all the balloons are there. its time.

-

seriously, thats gotta be a lot of blood. I'm getting Gingerdead Man flashbacks.

-

“i wanna thank you, simon. without your constant abuse, i wouldn’t have been scared enough to succeed for fear of what would happen if i failed!”

-

...its a bit premature for breakdown animations; the police haven't gotten back to us about the dough...

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...i didnt like this balloon explosion as much as i thought i was going to. this is kinda just... uncomfortable.

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you know, she shouldn’t have resorted to murder or blaming the crime on an innocent, but I feel like Taifu should’ve.... I dunno, either Trained her properly or let her down easy instead of forcing her to be a sexy balloon clown.

It’s clear she really, really wanted to succeed her father’s name, (which I'm a little confused about; was he one of Taifu’s students? What is Uendo’s real name then? what is any of their real names...) so I’m sure that if she just practiced enough, she’d probably be able to do what she needed to get to that level of entertainment. And if she couldn’t, letting her down easy and encouraging her to find something she actually liked instead of making her do... um... balloons would probably be a whole lot less nasty.

also wtf uendo; what did whet ever do to you

man all of these people were kind of dicks. except bucky. the guy who came to his trial drunk.

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Sadmad: Hmm.... upon further deliberation... seeing as you won... I believe I shall afford you a basic sense of human respect.................. 

Athena: thats all I ask, prosecutor sadmahdi!

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heyy he’s sobered up! or should I say... SOBA’D UP AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH but seriously i don’t think they’ve said drunk or hungover once in this entire case what the fu

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“no way... i almost got convicted out of convenience?” you, larry butz, maggey byrde and a shit tonne of other characters in the series. its actually a fairly common occurrence.

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“he didn’t give her the name because he wanted geiru to find her own calling in life...”

...you know. after foisting a sexy balloon routine on her. to encourage her to quite entertainment. 

obviously Taifu was using the Simon Blackquill approach to encouragement.

“making udon was his way of showing his support of her in her new endeavour”

...what does that... mean

“oh, i’ll make safe dough instead of the stuff THAT KILLS HER to prove that i support her!”

genius

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“So this entire situation happened because of a misunderstanding? How sad...”

i think you mean,,, hhhh

i hate misunderstanding plots so so much

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this entire case is just “he was being an asshole to ENCOURAGE you, see!! now you HAVE to forgive him!!”

newsflash: no i dont. you know what works better than fear tactics, threats and coercion? 

BEING ACTUALLY SUPPORTIVE

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“he probably used some tough love on you so that the shop wouldn’t just go belly up”

I SAID SUPPORTIVE. ARE YOU DEAF???

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see? athena is being a little misguided but at least she's using a positive -food- to try to accomplish something.

“i’ll make sure its got all the TLC Master Toneido would’ve packed in it, too!”

you got it! one ice-cold, bitter, al-dente bowl with a side of vinegar, comin’ right up!

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no athena!! brand loyalty!! mr eldoon will never forgive you!!!

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“do us all proud, bucky”

or else

(flashes air sword)

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Athena: I wonder if this gave me any experience as a lawyer...

Simon: HAHA WRONG, IF I HADN’T BEEN THERE YOU’D HAVE HAD THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU. YOU SUCK, ATHENA, AND YOU DO EVERYTHING WRONG. FUCK YOU~!

see what annoys me about this is that when I first played Athena, I had some issues with her being too inexperienced to be a proper lawyer, especially with her court-related PTSD which could seriously endanger her clients.

However... Why are they bringing up her lack of experience in the one case (it’s not even a full case) in a game that isn’t even about her? And ignoring all the progress she made in Dual Destinies?

The way they’re talking about it is as if theyre setting up some kind of sequel; ‘you need to improve athena, you need to practice’. Which would have been all well and good for one of the cases in the first run of her own game... but Athena has been and continues to be a side character to Apollo and Phoenix. Rather than this moment coming at a crucial moment in her own game, it comes out of nowhere during a case she got last minute, couldn’t have prepared for, and is abused throughout.

what I'm saying is, the ghosts of DD past has come to haunt us. They introduced Athena too early and are bungling up her character development. Lawyers need a full set of games to let them grow. Just make an actual Apollo Justice 2 or Athena Cykes 1, but don’t insult us by pretending that this five minute shit actually did either of them justice.

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Simon: I hope you stay shitty so that I can always win

brilliant.

you know, usually when a character is jerk with a heart of gold, that ‘heart of gold’ thing is supposed to show up at the end.

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i was going to ignore the horrible joke but then Widget said “ROTFL”

what a... great way to end this....... great case

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and so we close this one off, and for a case about tasty food, it sure left a bitter taste in my mouth.