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writingpuddle · 2 years ago

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Your hashtags make it seem like you’re very passionate about your recent reblog about one story having a trope being fine versus the entire trope being bad.. I’d like to hear more about your opinion behind it if you wouldn’t mind sharing!

thanks anon! i suppose all my exclamation points were a bit of a give away. i should clarify perhaps that what i am passionate is less that specific topic than the general notion of statistics.

(this got real long and a bit meandering, but i will not apologize, because i think its fascinating)

we as humans are...really bad at statistics. honestly, thats being kind. we are terrible at understanding statistics. you see a weather forecast which says 20% chance of rain, and while you know, logically, that means there is some chance of rain, your brain basically reinterprets this to: It Will Not Rain. 20% is the same as zero percent. if it rains, then the probability was actually 100%, and the forecast was wrong. but actually, it was 20%, and some random winds blew just right and your campfire got drizzled on.

statistical literacy is wildly important for understanding large societal trends and also wildly undertaught. (i am particularly salty that a few years after i graduated my province removed statistics from the high school math curriculum. i love math, i really do, but while i think theres value in people knowing about calculus and the ways we can use it, most people wont have to actually use it themselves. everyone can benefit from understanding how to read statistics better. in our current society, its almost a critical survival skill)

(i also want to add a caveat which is that while i love statistics, statistics are also incredibly easy to lie with. no, seriously. this is part of the statistical literacy i am talking about. if you like reading academic articles, i recommend this one, which discusses how if you analyze the data differently, you can often get large variations in results. if the pdf is not free for download, the unpaywall extension will grab it for you)

(relatedly, this is why i am of the opinion that you should be careful of any statistic that is presented in only one way. This Medication Doubles Your Risk of Blood Clot! (the risk went from 1 in ten million to 2 in ten million))

so, statistics are important. statistics reveal a lot about society. but we dont experience life as statistics, we experience life as a series of events (or anecdotes). large numbers are not something that we actually evolved to understand very well. we process the world through stories and examples, and we have to learn to think carefully about numbers.

(even watch: i am about to use an anecdote to centre this discussion. i use it to place my point somewhere, because thinking about it in abstract is difficult to do without practice. but it is also falling prey to exactly the fallacy that i am talking about)

i was discussing last summer an incident in which a Black athlete tested positive for marijuana and was given a temporary suspension. she claimed this was a racist ban, and a bunch of discourse ensued. (please note: i am not interested in discussing the validity of her specific claim, which is why im not linking to a specific incident. this could apply to any number of similar examples, and others have likely done more in depth analyses of the particular event. i am using it as a rhetorical device to discuss bias and how it manifests, and am not interested in debating about this one incident. pretend it is a fictional example, if you wish.)

with all those caveats out of the way, here is why this is a difficult claim to make: in isolation, there is very little substance to it. there was a rule, which a person broke, and they received the standard consequence for it. its hard to argue bias when the narrative is so linear. especially if we assume the situation has no deeper narrative (as we know, often stories like this contain more blatant bigotry, while only the softest version makes the headline.) there is little to support the idea that this was a racist decision. moderates might see this and, without more context, think that its a lot of fuss kicked up about nothing. because on its own, it is.

what makes this a racist incident isnt (necessarily) that it was a specific Black athlete that was hit with the suspension. its that there is a trend wherein Black athletes are more likely to be tested, and more likely to be punished rather than dealt a warning.

which returns me to my point, which is the statistics. literally nobody involved in this specific suspension had to be individually racist, or have racist motivations. hell, this individual suspension could be totally ideologically squeaky clean of racism. but on average, in the system, certain people are being hit harder than others, and that indicates racism in the system. but its hard to tease out that racism because every individual instance of it seems kinda wishy-washy. the trend is only obvious in aggregate, and we are, as ive said, very bad at understanding the abstract statistic, especially when we can look at an individual event and label it (we think) clearly.

we focus on the individual rather than the aggregate, which is a natural, and very human response. rather than address the racism in the system, the discussion becomes primarily about whether the people enforcing the ban are racist individuals.

(i emphasize primarily because this is still a good question to ask; you want to make sure there arent any explicit racists in the system! but it should not be the only question you ask, because there are systemic factors that could produce this bias without a single outright racist person involved)

a lot of systemic bias works under this kind of...plausible deniability schema. this athlete broke a known rule and faced consequences. how is that racism? that femme gay man keeps getting rejected from jobs, but there are lots of other qualified candidates, and its not like resumes can really be objectively classified as 'better' or 'worse.' some people will rank resumes differently. maybe the other candidates were just more qualified!

but when there is an average of femme gay men having trouble breaking into a profession, or of trans women struggling to find housing, or or or or...then it reveals something about the structure of the society that is happening in. the individual incident may or or may not be a manifestation of bias, but the totality is. it is even possible the hiring manager who has rejected all these applications is, themself, unaware that they are subconsciously judging these men as being less qualified based on their voice and bearing.

ie. it is possible to perpetuate bias without any conscious malice. and it is very frustrating to our brains, which like stories, when we cant find a clear villain and hero. when its just an evil hiring manager, the situation is comprehensible. when its a bunch of neutral parties that all have the same cultural framework influencing their decisions subtly in a negative direction, its harder to process. and also a lot harder to fix. being able to point to an Evil Hiring Manager is nice because we can boot that person, and the problem is fixed. it feels good to be able to fix a problem, and systemic factors are way harder to actually address.

which is also why its sometimes very hard to criticize things like media trends (yeah, we're looping back to that original post now, im getting there) because we are so much better at processing individual stories than statistics. the problem is often not a specific narrative--ie. a gay character dying in a story--but an overarching trend--ie. all gay characters in stories die. pick one single story out of this trend, and you learn nothing. it may be that in isolation, this story is moving and beautiful, that the death was narratively necessary, that it spoke to a lot of people. individually, the story could be a net good. and so when the trend is criticized, those who enjoyed the individual story, rather than have a more nuanced discussion about what the trend reveals about how our society treats queer people, and how we subconsciously think about queer narratives, people jump to defend the one story in isolation. the point of criticizing a trend is not (or should not be, or generally should not be) to say: This Story Can Never Be Told. it should be to ask: why is this the only story being told?

the question when looking at a trend, or a statistic, should be: what does this imply about what is going on under the surface. and well meaning people who are anti-bigotry can fall prey to whats under the surface. hell, people who are members of the groups in question can fall prey to whats under the surface. i'll give a fandom example (since i do fandom shit on this blog).

now most people who are in fandom would probably agree that trying to label one member of a queer couple the 'man' and one member the 'woman' is stupid. theyre both the same gender! thats the point!

but when you think of your favourite blorbos...you know, right? even if you vehemently disagree, even if you think that way of looking at relationships is stupid...you know. you know which one is on average treated within the fandom as taking each role. even by people who are vocal allies, or who are queer themselves. maybe your instinct is to push this knowledge away from you, to claim you only know it because other people are biased, but you do know it. you are aware of the general trend. we cant help it. we are part of this society, so we know about it, even if we dislike it. and even if we dislike it, we can still accidentally absorb it.

heres a metric i find interesting: when constructing an au of a queer couple based on a het story, which member of the queer couple gets the womans role, and which gets the mans?

even the most progressive het stories still, on some level, have absorbed the cultural context we live in. most stories, not being the Most progressive, will be saturated with many, many small gender stereotypes. it will influence what careers the characters have, what type of choices they make in the narrative, how they interact with the other characters, etc. its not always blatant, but its often an undercurrent (and sometimes it really is blatant).

one would expect, then, that with a queer couple, sometimes it will make sense to mold the het story one way, sometimes the other. but if i look at my own fics that are based on het couples...both of them i have the same character taking the mans role and the other the womans. and i know that falls in line with who fandom as an average treats as the 'woman' in the relationship and the 'man'.

now, two fics does not a significant dataset make, but i also have no evidence that had i not started to think about this trend, i would not have continued to accidentally follow it. and i would wager if you did a survey of all fics in a fandom, you would not find a vaguely 50/50 split, with half the time one character getting one role and half the other, but some kind of skew in the expected direction.

what does this mean? i would hope, in reading either of the fics ive just referenced, few people would walk out saying 'that was homophobic.' the stories themselves are almost irrelevant to the discussion. but it does serve as a probe. somewhere, in the bottom of my mind, whether i want it there or not, gender and sexuality stereotypes are still fermenting quietly. growing like long-lived weeds in places they were planted when i was so small i dont even remember it. tiny seeds planted daily by subtle interactions with the world. being aware of this makes me a little more able to prune back some of these weeds. to interrogate my own beliefs and counter them. and it came not out of a specific homophobic statement or act that i made, but a statistical trend that would be too subtle to notice in isolation. if i look at each story on its own, i can offer very good explanations for why i made the choices i did. but somehow i still managed to blindly find my way into a stereotypical cave.

i use myself as an example because i dont want to point fingers and say: These People are being bad. its not a valuable way to approach narrative analysis. if you are looking at broad media trends, the goal is to understand what societal beliefs and motivations might lead to that trend, even if that wasnt the specific motivation of an individual creator who happens to fall under the trend. every single creator may, individually, have a very good reason for the choices they made. but the fact that we all made the same choice tells us something. and maybe what it tells us is its time to explore some alternative choices.

no individual story needs to be at fault. but it is very hard to separate the statistics from the individual, because our brains are literally programmed to focus on the personal. a story does not have to be bad to be part of a trend. pieces of a trend can be good even if the trend itself is bad.

which is a very long winded way of saying that bias is statistical, and people are bad at statistics. when apes started to walk around and start talking, there was no evolutionary pressure into understanding exactly what a percentage means. it takes conscious effort to not take statistics personally. your favourite story doesnt need to be monstrous to spend time thinking about why a popular trope it happens to contain might be rooted in something you dont believe in.

i will leave you with one final bit of wisdom when it comes to statistics: be skeptical of any statement containing absolutes.

yes, even this one

#discourse #racism tw #homophobia tw #transphobia tw #statistics #i love math and i really wish it was taught better #so many people would benefit from a solid understanding of numbers #but school focuses on rote memorization instead of interpretation #and it does us a major disservice #thanks for the chance to ramble anon #hopefully you dont regret asking haha #anons #asks

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36incheshigh · 3 years ago

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Some care tips when havin covid hopefully we all wont need emmmm ;D

——

background- think i got sick bc i hadnt slept well in like weeks and hadnt eaten properly lately , so my immune system was weak and was near like 2ft from the same people for a while every day who didnt wear masks or cover nose and i thoughtt itd be ok cause there was breeze with open doors /then had talked in pretty close proximity indoor maskless to a friend for a long time like an hour who turns out was exposed i guess id thought it was okay to talk to her indoors closely+ Less likely id get it cause cases were low in the summertime but.. :/

advice:

masks for everyone in the house everywhere when near me/ for me when Im outside the room for going to/bathroom

eat or drink smalll amounts of food instead of big amounts throughout day because i always got more sick after eating big amounts of food at once -so you dont feel more sick all at oncee when your blood and energy goes to digesting more at once instead of to healing, avoid fatty foods/dairy/meat at first (for me)

atleast flex/move feet toes legs in bed so you dont get fatal blood clots from staying still lying down for long periods

Steam inhalation: boil water then breathe in its steam , i put some vaporub in the bowl too , it might help and put blanket over your head and steam when you can’t breathe at all. this and massage/lightly tap your own [chest/] back [w something long like a backscratcher big spoon or tube of toothpaste lols helped a lot at worst /get back lightly tapped by someone who wears mask and gloves who washes hands after if done for less than 5ish minutes near me then they probs wont get sick if theyre takin care if themselves and taking a lot of vit c like my fam was alright . Maybe can use water in a plug-in kettle thing is easiest if you’re alone. Or can just inhale steam from standin in or near hot shower water or plugging the sink drain and filling it with hot water .

tums sometimes cause Id lay down after eating and get heartburn also making me breathless

Trying to stay calm too (see links) bc sometimes idk if also panic attack didnt help-calming down helped me breathe https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uPWqs8hOzmQ affirmations

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yYTg6vrDeKc&list=LL&index=3&t=367s mom type comforting I got prescription from doc/maybe walk in clinic can give it too? for an albuterol inhaler to help breathing- i only take one instead of two puffs at a time but when youre low energy it opens airways so whatever air u can get in ur lungs, it gets there faster and easier w less effort. helps when chest feels humid

positions for breathing better - lying on front, on side , standing but arms/head on bed, sit up with pillow on lap leaning on pillow, sit at table with head and arms on table with straight back though to expand lungs, leaning over hands on knees, folded knees head leaned down on pillow like childs pose in yoga (kinda uncomfy), chest rest on pillow when lying in stomach and chin on folded hands above pillow, on side but top leg bent on bed so foot is at opposite knee - all while breathing w face right in vaporub can, push out diaphragm in front of you so backs arched or try to curl shoulders forward nor ur whole back just ur shoulders made me feel lungs stretch , or try to elongate and stretch ur spine

dontt let me lie/sleep on my back

check pulse oxometer (from ex. walmart/amazan) often -oxygen saturation shouldnt be at/below 90-92, if so, call doctor/go to emergency room

check temp often enough atleast once a day - if u go 24 hours w out fever then ur gettin better- we got the contactless thermometer u point at ur forehead like a gun so we dont have to clean it

dont let people in your room if you can avoid it besides if u need help - they left food outside my door and i left empty tray outside door when done and they used mask when touching tray and maybe gloves and washed hands after touching my stuff

i wore mask/bandana mask lol in Quick shower, they touched light and shower to turn on for me, i used separate soap and shampoo and removed them from shower when done, kept my towel in my bedroom not in bathroom if they share shower room/bathroom, they sprayed shower w alcohol before using it, waited preferably 3 hours after i shower to use it so air germs die, left bathroom fan vent on to suck out air germs as long as possible. Kept my lotion and deodorant in my room.

supposedly cdc says ur not contagious after ten days from sympt starts if no fever for 24 hours, symptoms improving and werent like in hospital/oxygens above 94 i think. otherwise, not contagious after 20 days from symptom starting

vitamin c supplement, vitamin d supplement and multivitamin supplement like normal, every day up to however many mg are in one adult pill lol- i like gummys cause easier i took the amount of gummies that added up to like 1 swallowable pill supplement a day

used liquid tylenol bc easier to swallow for me drank it only when cant stand feeling bad so maybe antibodies will know covid better lol

Hydratings important because thats (dehydration) a big thing that also sends us to hospital - nothing with caffeine , rehydrating drink with electrolytes: coconut water helped me-has vit c and rehydrating, pedialyte or some gatorade and water, and orange juice , juices/premade smoothies like Naked brand ones, big bottles of water near my bed so easier to pour and easier than sink, peeled cut ginger in hot water (w orange (or pineapple- thats good for lungs!) and honey), keep refilling cup w water onto ginger alll day, i think it really made me turn the corner doin that, coconut water spinach pinapple ice smoothie - if ur well now, peel and cut up ginger and wrap servings in foil and store in freezer and cut and store servings of orange/lemon/pinapple too in freezer for easy access and use in future when youre tired. I think theres a way to store spinach in freezer too.. blend it in blender then put in ice cube tray? Ice u can make a bunch in trays then empty them into ziplock bag in freezer to have a bunch ready too if dont have ice machine for making a lot.-u can doordash or instacart things! Pumpkin/sunflower seeds, coconut water, pineapple, banana, ginger in tea alll day, hard boiled (not fried with oil!! because oil takes a lot of energy to digest) eggs felt v good

foods that dont need refrigeration so u can eat a little at it all day w out being scared itll get bad and u wont waste it if it gets bad i ate saltines crackers and a littlee pb , Canned bean/pasta soup- tried to avoid muchh meat dairy and high fatty foods when im sicker bc found theyre harder to digest so i got more tired after eatin em. Mac and cheese w low cheese/milk - mixed some milk w water or maybe easy mac!, hard boiled egg and toast w jam. i didnt try these but some people say they drank boost those chocolate drinks that have nutrients, ..maybe baby food lol? of mashed/sweet potatoes (sweet potatoes supposed to fight covid!)/veggie cause theyre easy to eat when your too tired to chew ? By day 10ish I bought like a bag of these no hormone etc meatballs that id throw em in my canned soups or on pizza - So it was easy .

im not sure but i thinkk getting up and walkin around a bitt helps breathing -not walking for a long time, but it gets blood flowing , even if u hunch over to keep lungs on top.

practice breathing exercises/taking deep breaths in through nose out ghrough mouth i think regularly to prevent fluid in lungs/pneumonia

u and any helper alwayss keep phone w volume/intercom on u /check it often enough bc sometimes even though u can hearr calls better than texts so ud think id just call to reach u,sometimes texting takes^less energy

Keep dirty laundry in my own room in garbage bag under bed lol til not contagious

change positions/orientation on bed when sick of one view/sheets feel dirty there lol

5th/6ths days worst for me ? 4 months after shot

Comforting- barbie movies lol bc comforting but good plot. Watchin standup comedy -is on youtube sometimes who’re pretty conversational and approachable so it feels like youre talkin to a friend lool or those side videos when you swipe left from the camera on snapchat theyre usually more candid so it feels likee kinda visiting someone when ur lonely during quarantine lols, audiobooks there’re some on youtube when im tired to watch

if your nose burns, i used arm and hammer nose spray thats unmedicated and if you can get your nose clear of snot i found the spray soothing in there

I think after covid we gotta push ourselves little by little to move about - not too much or else u feel bad/tired again but a littlee! To get strength back and endurance and keep takin vitamins. Ppl say spirometers helped them theyre cheap or blowin up balloons are cheap exercises too!

#Advice #Cw covid advice #Covid #covid advice #Covid 19 #Covid-19 #covid-19 advice #Covid 19 advice #Delta #covid delta

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bamfbuddie · 4 years ago

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9-1-1 LIVE BLOG: 4x01 THE NEW ABNORMAL

“They’re small” oh I don’t think so...

Oooh fuckkk. Away she goes in the water.

HAHAHAHA GO STICK YOUR FACE IN YOUR OWN FACTIME OMG. LOLOLOL. We all know that means Eddie and Christopher.

Omg I dont have a secret. Sure you don’t. 👀 wonder who this person is.

Mango doesn’t get a say 😂

Also Albert and Maddie 😭❤️

Lolololol PUT SOME PANTS ONN. Lol I love Athena.

Oooooh Michael’s new man 😍

Hahaha Bobby and Michael talking with each other.

Lmaooooo Masters in Mansplaining.

Jake can cry in a sippy cup. Omg I love her.

I did not throw you under the bus! *bus comes flying throw the bus window* Whelp.

Aweh May.

Lmao. How much worse can it get?

Who this shady dude?

Uh-ohhh

Lmao felt like a dud.

Oop oh nooo.

Oh shiiiiit. There goes the bus.

Lmao. That does not go there. No shit, Chim.

The fucking elevator music.

At least it’s not a tsunami. LMAO BUCK’S FACE. NOT IMPRESSED.

No matter what, Buck and Eddie always work so good together 🧿

Ooh damn poor Keith.

Lmao.

Chim: After we get this teeter totter off him.

Bobby: That’s it. Its a seesaw.

Chim: 🤨😐 also known as a teeter totter.

😂😂😂😂 omg Chim’s lines this episode.

Akdjskaka CJ!!! C’mon. Get off the bus. Lets gooooo.

Goooooooo.

Omg. Whats happening?!

Oh shit. What happenedddd!! Are they okay?

Oooof.

Oh nooo. Buried alive.

MAN I DONT WANT THE SIX MONTHS BEFORE DAM BREAK.

They’re gonna make this emotional aren’t they.

Oh noo. Poor Hank.

FUCKING COVID PIECE OF SHIT. WEAR YOUR MASKS AND STAY THE FUCK HOME.

Lol Corona hobbie 😩😩

Blood clots ughh.

Theres so much room on that lock. Pull it open and stick your hand in there! I hate when they do this.

Yayy she made it.

Lol. You waiting for a treat?

👀👀👀👀

Omg 7 years.

Lol thats a lie. She still wants you to quit.

Omg. Gooooo.

Oh shit!!!

WHAT! WHAT?! ITS OVER?! UGH THESE TWO PART EPISODESSSSS. NOOOOO!!!

#buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #9-1-1 #9-1-1 live blog #9-1-1 4x01 #the new abnormal #gem babbles #howie chimney han #maddie buckley #bobby nash #henrietta wilson #athena grant #may grant

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a-singleboat · 4 years ago

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I Need A Hero

Word Count: 4.5k

Request: i am formally requesting an emily fic 😌 i dont want to be needy but em being lowkey but then super protective of you 🥵 angst with a happy ending would be amazing - anon

A/N: Let me know what you think! This is my first emily x reader so :D

Content Warnings: Blood, Reader getting hurt, Reader getting assaulted, kidnapping, swearing, alcohol, drugs

You should have listened to Emily. You really should have listened to her.

Emily was always just a tad bit overprotective of you, sometimes going as far as to asking you to wear a GPS device to clubs especially if she wasn’t going with you. You understood, of course. With her past and her current job, she had to make sure all her bases were covered. You were just one of them.

Though you rarely agreed to the GPS deceive, it was still flattering that she thought of you as important enough to keep track of. Usually, you’d just stick to texting her to let her know where you were. That was good enough for her.

But when she told you to stay home today, you thought that was her just being overly cautious, overly protective, as usual. You should have known better.

Turns out a serial killer with an affinity for women visibly similar to yourself was on the loose, details kept from the public due to the fact that the man was a flight risk. That being, it was painfully obvious why the “unsub,” to use Emily’s terminology, was a flight risk.

He flinched at every sound. At first, you tried to call out for someone--anyone. Well, that gained you a bloody gash on the side of your head. You didn’t make that mistake twice. Instead, you tried to remain calm and complacent--two things that Emily once said would ensure that you’d survive in a situation like this.

“Annie,” the man, Stephen, crooned. He picked up a doll from the table of toys and brought it over to you. From what you could tell, the doll was dirty and half-rotted away, as if it had been buried for a good while. He pressed it up to your face, the side coated in blood, and cooed at you. “Annie, I have Mrs. Buttercup here. Don’t cry, she’ll make it all better.”

You tried not to wince away as he rubbed the doll against your face. If Stephen wasn’t going to kill you, infection just might.

“Th-thank you, Mrs. Buttercup,” you whimpered, hands grasping the end of the armrests. The chair rocked backward as he put pressure on the doll, forcing you backward. You panicked as your feet left the ground, struggling to at least get a toe back on the solid concrete.

God, you should have listened to Emily. If you were going to die, you’d spend the rest of your immortal life regretting the choice you made to leave the house today.

Stephen looked into your eyes, searching for something. You knew all he’d find was fear so you tried your best to wrestle down your emotions. You held back the tears threatening to spill, holding your breath as he leaned in closer.

“You know I’d never hurt you, right?” he pressed a kiss to your cheek, the one not wet with your blood. You grimaced at the feeling of his chapped lips against your skin. “I-I didn’t mean to earlier, Annie. You were just being so loud and… you understand, right?”

You nodded, lip quivering as he brought the doll to your chin, tilting your head upward. He forced you to look at him, smearing blood along your jawline as he did.

After a few moments of deliberation, he let you go, the rocking chair swaying back and forth until it settled back into a resting position. “You must be hungry,” he decided, dropping Mrs. Buttercup back into the piles of toys. “I’ll go make you your favorite.”

He flinched as a loud sound came from outside--a car alarm going off. The sound made you relax, however. The sound of a car alarm meant you weren’t in an abandoned factory somewhere. You were most likely in this guy’s basement, or something similar.

Stephen gripped the sides of his head as the alarm continued, only letting go when the alarm finally shut off. He collected himself, fists clenching before relaxing at his sides. His smile returned though you can only really see his teeth in the low light.

“I’ll be back, Annie,” he said, waving at you. “Don’t move.”

The last two words were more threatening than anything he’d actually done, true menace seeping into his voice like a poison. You waited for him to disappear around the corner before allowing yourself to cry, a few tears rolling down your cheeks and mixing with the blood.

You gasped for air, struggling to keep your breathing steady. It wouldn’t do you any good to hyperventilate now. You looked around for something--anything--that could possibly be used to alert someone that you were down here.

God, how long had it been? You lost count after the first thirty minutes. There were no windows so you couldn’t even tell if it was still day. Emily was probably freaking out by now. No doubt she had somehow gotten the entire United States Military involved by now, your safety being the only thing on her mind.

Another ten or so minutes passed without Stephen. You wondered how the other victims had died. Blood loss seemed to be the only thing on your mind, unsure if your head wound had clotted yet. All you could feel was the wet of your own bodily fluid on the side of your face, which didn’t help much. Everything else just seemed numb.

Your head lolled to the side as you heard footsteps approach, unable to lift your head as flashlights combed the ground. You barely reacted as the door got kicked in, eyelids closing as two blurry figures approached you. One of the figures shouted something behind them while the other came to you, patting your face lightly in an attempt to get you to stay awake.

Unable to remain conscious, you allowed sleep to claim you as the person above you shouted more words, all unintelligible as your consciousness faded from reality.

_____

Emily never did like hospitals.

Ever since her “death,” she tried to avoid them as much as possible but now, for you, she would make an exception. She waited in the waiting room alongside her teammates. None of them knew you personally, but they all knew about you. From the stories Emily would tell to the snippets of various phone conversations they accidentally overheard, they could tell that you were something good for their Unit Chief.

She propped her elbows up on her legs, holding her head up as she struggled to stay away. You hadn’t needed surgery but had lost a lot of blood as well as suffered major trauma. The doctors weren’t allowing anyone in as they observed you for any possible signs of infection as well as any withdrawal symptoms from the drugs the unsub had used to knock you out. It was all very dramatic, the extent of your actual injuries being minimal compared to what could have happened.

“Stop worrying.” Morgan reached over, putting a hand on her knee. She hadn’t even realized she’d been bouncing it up and down, too worried about how you were doing. It had been a few hours at that point, nurses going in and out of your room but none of them saying anything about your state of being.

“She’s fine. You know this. Everything they’re doing is just precautionary,” Morgan continued. He patted her knee twice, lifting his hand to point at a white-coated doctor exiting your room. “Look, the doctor’s here now. He’ll tell you that everything’s okay.”

“Y/n Y/l/n?”

Emily stood, smoothing out her blazer. “That’s me. I’m Emily Prentiss, her fiancée.”

A little white lie wouldn’t hurt, especially not when it would get her the answers she needed.

“Well, Ms. Prentiss, Y/n is expected to make a full recovery. The trauma to her head won’t have any lasting effects. She has some bruising on her side, we think from being dropped. We want to keep her overnight to watch for infection and, of course, the withdrawal effects from the xylazine. You may see her now but you won’t be able to stay overnight with her.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Emily said, shaking the man’s hand before he departed. She turned around to face her friends. “You guys can go home, I’ll call a cab back home later. Thank you for being here for me.”

Morgan gave her an incredulous look, standing from his seat. “Emily, if you think we’re just going to leave you then you’ve got another thing coming.”

“Yeah,” Garcia piped up. “We’ll be right here for you. None of us are leaving.”

“You would do the same for any of us,” Reid backed her up.

Now Emily wasn’t one for tears but upon hearing the support she got from her friends, she could feel herself starting to tear up. She took a stabilizing breath, thanking them before turning to head into your hospital room.

It was quiet. That was the first thing she noticed. Instead of your infectious laugh filling the void space, it was the steady beeping of the machine connected to your finger, ensuring that you still had a heartbeat. It broke Emily’s heart to see you like this, bloodied and bruised.

She dragged one of the hospital chairs over to your bedside, hesitating before taking your hand up in hers. It was all her fault that you were here. If her job was less dangerous, you’d have still been in your hometown rather than following her all the way to Quantico, Virginia. You probably would have already been married with five adoptive children like you always wanted.

Instead, you're here. In a hospital in Washington DC recovering from being kidnapped by a psycho that Emily most likely unknowingly brought back to your home. If you didn’t hate her after this, she’d consider it a miracle.

_____

The first thing you saw when you came to was Emily’s face full of worry, her eyebrows knitted together in concentration as she thought long and hard. Your hand was in hers, still limp as you slowly regained feeling in your extremities.

Very gently, you squeezed her hand, letting her know you were awake.

“Hi baby,” you whispered, your throat a bit scratchy from the lack of lubrication. As if reading your mind, she handed you a cup of water off the hospital bedside table. You took a few sips, keeping your eyes on your girlfriend as she looked deep in thought.

You set the water aside, groaning as you realized your entire side was sore. You couldn’t remember if you hit it against something. From what you knew, the only injury you suffered was your head wound, which was newly wrapped.

You looked her up and down, squeezing her hand slightly to gain her attention. “What’s on your mind, baby?”

Emily bit her lip, carefully picking her next words. “Y/n… I think we should take a break.”

This came out of nowhere. Her words slammed into you harder than a football quarterback would have, stealing all the breath from your lungs as you processed her words.

“What?”

“We should take a break. It’s just--I put you in more danger than you asked for and you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve not knowing when or if I’ll come home. You don’t deserve me dropping plans for a case or forgetting your birthday because I’m working. You deserve someone who can be there and I’m sorry, but I’m not that. I-I don’t deserve you.”

“What? Emily, no. First off, you don’t get to decide what I do and don’t deserve. Second, none of this was any of your fault. I knew what your job was from the very beginning and I chose to stay because I wanted to. So what if you forget my birthday, there’s always next year and so what if you cancel plans, we’ll just make new ones. Emily, please don’t--” Tears pearled in the corners of your eyes as your voice caught in your throat. “Baby, where did this come from?”

She shrugged, pressing a kiss to your knuckles. She let go of your hand, pulling away even as you tried to keep her there. “I’ll see you around, Y/n.”

You couldn’t do anything as she walked out. You called for her, hands shaking as you tried to think of something--anything to say to her as she left your life. The worst part wasn’t even her leaving, you later decided. The worst part was that Emily Prentiss didn’t even bother turning around for one last look. She just left you with your broken heart scattered about the room, leaving you to pick up your own pieces.

_____

You wanted to hate Emily Prentiss. You really did.

The way she just left you leaving you numb until you were forced to feel everything as you underwent twenty-four hours of withdrawal. Xylazine wasn’t something to mess with, you knew that even before you have been drugged with it. But now, two months after you and Emily split paths, you stayed in Virginia.

Why would you move? You’d already built up a life in the state. All your friends were there and so was your job, which you had grown to love despite the overbearing mother that neighbored workspaces with you.

You knew Nancy meant well, that she just wanted to make sure you were adjusting to work well after you’d been kidnapped, but sometimes you just wanted the woman to take a long walk away from you and never return. Right now was one of those times.

“It’s been two months,” Nancy said, looking up from her computer screen. She had been finalizing her schedule for that week, boxing off the times she needed so she could go visit her son in college. “You need to move on with your life. Find yourself another girlfriend or at least go out with your friends. I hate seeing you all mopey like this.”

Nancy had a point. You did need to make an effort to go out, to go back to “normalcy” or whatever. Even your therapist was pushing you to socialize, saying that it could help you get over the recurring nightmares.

“I don’t want to go out tonight, Nancy,” you replied, trying to focus on the work in front of you. The numbers were starting to blur together but you persevered. You didn’t have much longer until the end of work. As soon as you finished the spreadsheet on the screen in front of you, you were home free.

“At least try, Y/n,” Nancy insisted. “Call up some of your friends, hit the club. Even if you don’t drink, at least try to have fun again.”

“But I have fun talking to you. Why do I need to go have more fun.”

Nancy wasn’t taking any of your shit. She packed away her things, powering down her computer. She lowered her standing desk and pulled her purse over her shoulder. “Hopefully you’ll be telling me all about your night out when I see you tomorrow morning. Good night, Y/n.”

Grumpily, you replied, “Good night, Nancy.”

You stayed at the office thirty minutes more and after a solid five-minute debate with yourself, you gave in and called up your friends. Lyndsey and Brenna both said they’d be down while Brent replied with utter regret, saying he had been roped into working the night shift.

And so you drove to Lyndsey’s to get ready, agreeing to be the DD seeing as you didn’t exactly want to get pissed drunk--especially not with Emily still on your mind.

You drove the three of you to the nearest club, showing your IDs to the bouncer and entering without a problem.

“I’m gonna get us shots,” Brenna shouted over the music, disappearing a moment later. You and Lyndsey stumbled over to a table, claiming it for the three of you as the music seemed to grow louder.

Brenna pushed through the crowd to get back to the two of you, two shots balanced in one hand with another in her other. “Y/n, I know you said you weren’t drinking but one drink can’t hurt.”

“Yeah, Y/n,” Lyndsey ganged up on you. She took the two shots from Brenna, holding the second one out to you. “Besides, Brenna already paid for it so you have to.”

You rolled your eyes goodnaturedly, giving in to their peer pressure. You figured you were already out, what was one shot gonna do? You took up the little glass, counting down with your friends before knocking back the alcohol. You made a face at the taste, coughing a little as it burned a trail down past your lungs.

“Let’s dance!” Brenna cheered, pulling both of you out onto the dance floor. Laughing, you allowed her to drag you along. She pulled you both on either side of her, jumping up and down as the music pounded into your eardrums, the rhythmic beat coursing through your body.

I made a promise to you, to never let you go.

You swayed to the music, holding onto Lyndsey’s hands as she sang along. She twirled you around, causing you to giggle. Brenna serenaded you from behind, grabbing your hips and making you sway.

But now I see you're moving on and I'm still all alone, oh oh.

From across the club, your eyes connected with a familiar pair. Emily Prentiss stared you down. Around her were her work friends, all drinking their cares away. None of them realized that you were there.

Every time I say I'm happy for you I just lie, oh oh. I made a promise to you and I'm still holding on, oh oh.

You forced yourself to look away, suddenly not in the mood to be dancing. Still, you forced a smile, sticking it out for the rest of the song. As All Mine faded into the next song, you excused yourself for water. Not thinking much of it, they let you go, continuing to dance with each other.

You stumbled off the floor, accidentally bumping into a guy who looked like a frat boy from one of the colleges in the area.

“Sorry,” you apologized, stepping away. Instead of going back to clubbing on his own, he grabbed your arm and pulled you closer to him.

“No need to be sorry, baby,” he drunkenly slurred, hands already moving down your body. “I’m Chad. What’s your name, princess?’

“None of your business,” you spat, trying to break free of his grip. Your attempts were futile, however, his grip tightening instead of loosening like you wanted it to. Memories of your abduction flashed through your mind as he placed a sloppy kiss on your cheek, the feeling of Stephen’s chapped lips pressed against the same cheek causing you to freeze up.

“Please let go,” you whimpered, though your pleas were drowned out by the music. Tears started to fall as he kissed down your neck, your body frozen as he took advantage of you.

It seemed you had an angel on your side that night because Chad was ripped off you not even a moment later, your savior having torn him off your body and thrown him back a good few inches.

“Get the fuck away from her,” Emily said, placing herself between you and your assailant.

Chad squared up to Emily, cocking his head sideways as if to intimidate her. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

Emily whipped out her badge, shoving it into the poor fool’s face. “FBI,” she said with authority. “Now scram.”

Chad paled at the badge, most likely never having had a run-in with law enforcement before. He scrambled backward, almost knocking over a dancing couple before disappearing back into the crowd.

Emily turned back around to face you, tucking her ID back in her pocket.

“Are you okay?” she asked you with a gentleness you could almost mistake with care. You scoffed. You weren’t going to fall for that again.

“What the fuck, Emily?” you raged. “You think you can just swoop in and save the day. Newsflash, I don’t need you. I don’t need your help and I most certainly don’t need your pity. You can take your false care and shove it.”

You stormed off, not even letting her respond. You went to find your friends, who had both migrated to the bar.

“We need to leave,” you said, your voice thick with tears. You probably looked like a mess, tears streaking down your face and your body still shaking. You didn’t know if it was anger or fear.

Lyndsey must have sensed something happened because she jumped to your side the second the words came out of your mouth, urging Brenna to finish her drink so that the three of you could leave. You made your way out of the club, collapsing into the side of the building as the tears started to pour.

“What happened?” Lyndsey demanded, yanking a pack of travel tissues from her clutch and handing you one. You dabbed under your eyes, trying to salvage whatever makeup you had put on that night.

“I saw Emily,” you blubbered, accepting another tissue from your friend. “And I said something terrible. Oh, my God. She probably hates me now!”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Brenna comforted you, rubbing circles into your back. “But didn’t she break up with you? Baby girl, you don’t need her.”

You were quiet. You didn’t need Emily, but God did you want her. Not a moment went by that you didn’t miss her. She was everywhere. In the dress that you kept in the back of the closet to the little clay tray that the two of you bought together that held your keys. She was everywhere.

“I just miss her,” you muttered, sniffling a bit as you calmed down. You felt ridiculous crying over a woman who made it quite clear that she wanted nothing to do with you.

“Well, you could always talk to her,” Brenna suggested, her hand leaving your back. She pointed to the side where Emily was exiting the club, looking around for something… or rather, someone.

At that moment, she noticed the three of you crouched by the wall. She hurried over, Lyndsey and Brenna getting up to form a protective barrier in front of you.

“Lyndsey, Brenna,” she greeted your friends. “Can I please talk to Y/n?”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea right now,” Lyndsey said, her voice stern. You almost laughed at the thought of Lyndsey using her teacher's voice on Emily. You crumbled the used napkins in your hand, shoving it into your pocket as you collected yourself off the ground.

You put your hand on Lyndsey’s shoulder. “It’s okay,” you said quietly. “We can talk.”

“Are you sure?” Lyndsey’s brows knit together, concern showing quite obviously on her face. You nodded, handing her the car keys. “You guys can go wait in the car. I won’t be long, I promise.”

Lyndsey looked between you and Emily cautiously.

“Don’t worry,” Emily said, “I’ll make sure she gets back to you safely.”

With one last look, Lyndsey took the keys and disappeared off to the car with Brenna not too far behind. Brenna turned around last minute, doing the ‘I’m watching you’ movement in Emily’s direction.

The two of you stood together in silence, unsure of what the first move should be. You bit your lower lip, rocking back onto your heels nervously as Emily didn’t meet your eye.

“I’m sorry,” both of you said at the same time, awkwardly laughing as you realized what had just happened. You pulled at your fingers, a nervous tic you had developed after your abduction.

“I’m sorry,” you repeated. You looked up at her. “I’m sorry I went off on you back there. You didn’t deserve any of that, you were just trying to help.”

Emily shook her head. “No, you don’t have to apologize for anything. If anyone owes an apology, it’s me. I shouldn’t have done anything. You don’t deserve that and you don’t deserve any of what I put you through.”

You swallowed harshly. “It’s okay.”

“It’s really not,” Emily said, chuckling as a way to diffuse some of the tension. “I’m a terrible person for what I did to you. I knew exactly what you had just gone through and I still went through with it. I made the choice for you without you even having a say and I regret that.”

“No,” you shook your head. “You’re not a terrible person. Emily, for the past two months I have done nothing but miss you. My goddamn therapist even suggested I reach out to you despite what you did. Breaking up with me while I was in the hospital was a shitty move, I’ll agree, but it doesn’t make you a terrible person. I promise.”

“You miss me?” Emily asked, her voice small. It was a change from her normal confidence. Her vulnerability and insecurity showed through her normally strong front. You couldn’t help but smile at her, taking a step closer to her.

You hesitated before taking her hand in your own. You brought a hand to her face, caressing her smooth features.

“I did--do miss you,” you admitted. “And before you ask anything else, I forgave you a long time ago.”

Emily’s head dropped against your hand, her eyes closing in an attempt to block out the tears that threatened to fall.

“I don’t deserve you,” she muttered.

You ran a thumb over her cheekbone, memorizing her features. “Bullshit,” you said, your voice low. You pulled her closer, standing on your toes so that your lips could meet. It was slow and passionate as you tried to convey all the emotions you felt for her through that simple action. Your arms looped around her neck as she reacted, pulling you in closer by the waist.

The kiss turned desperate as Emily tried to make up for the last time, tears rolling down your face as you realized everything into the abyss. You felt yourself relax into Emily, pulling away as you sobbed.

She put her hand under your chin gently, lifting your face so that your eyes met hers.

“Why are you crying, baby?” she asked, her voice a whisper. She kissed underneath your eyes, most likely tasting the salt of your tears. You couldn’t help it, the tears weren’t stopping.

“I just really missed you,” you admitted, wiping the tears away with the heel of your hand. Emily took your hand in hers, bringing them up to her mouth so she could place a kiss on your knuckles. It was the same gesture she had made two months ago before she broke up with you but this time, the message that came with them was different.

“If you give me another chance, I promise I won’t screw it up,” she said, running her thumb over your knuckles.” I-I promise I’ll work harder on being the woman you deserve.”

You hummed, resting your head on her chest as she drew her arms around you, protecting you from the world and all the evils within it.

“You already are.”

PERMANENT TAGLIST

@beautiful-holland @toms-order @starlightfound @lemirabitur @grandmascottlang @positiveparker @bippity-boppity-boopa @caswinchester2000

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libidomechanica · 3 years ago

Text

“that Psyche, take him thrown”

What I cannot be those hardly fitted for another,

in the opning draperies, headed sexton that Psyche,

take him thrown, it might there my peacefully blue; her splendidly null, dead perfect

on the last can speak, I dont pretend to

young, handsome boats, and sung, and strife by carry ye. Recorded

did look, his Soul found the child of the house, whom she

said,—and thickened, mixt with graced our shore, what you insist

on me, poor soul of dull silver lives. Least nor grasp, for honey-fly

im sensitive now Lecturing “the incident; a

round round then with that once adventures of the pilfering

of mine. for all you insist on the milking in

the Dublin shouts— and London streets suspended may end to

speak, smile; and what you praise, as when, what you might have heard,

a wary, cool old sword. Pale, clotted his native in self-defence:

so take so rough God in His perversity unties he took off his bag;

but we three, I feel, we were resolved in heart alone of faded,

or a fairer world, be she stood like small fame masculine and panes of

the wind. a pleased with young Lochinvar. ” D Then glares throw

a sheets, Then, who sniff at vice and dear as well at once-named Smith. in safety

to Salámán heart become softer me in the pillars

of empire, and these are spreads her now; for the

shows his patience none she-bird of green, robbing with potent spells, and

lawless when this must steep our horses; here I

know, you stands hugely politesse, and you say: be hypocritical, be

call, and her old army of the heaun of man, the old

text, still, while I spurres without much as most stroke, shew the

Princess Ida waiters, and somewhat others read; it is a

mans eye lighter, a star into allay my Innocence. Of

poets, as ever. “ Why, Sirs, till ‘the interest, on

motherine. His dodging harshness, pardon me I heard it

should fly, and could rub together of all the center a

room to set their own into one is the world

a spirits, never found and Juan now is steeds to nigh. ’

Him I wad na gie for Buskie-glen, I dinna c are a middling

seas. And I—soon made to it, hard words but a traveller; every

fiery paltry magazine can escape, Mingled in a

bullets,— give thou rollst above, below. and the parting, ponders.

See the prospects name wild as worth offspring of praise the

shelf; I dont, ‘t were lie to vaunt and murmur, a loyal war how

to dilate with me— he wild’ instinct, nor cant espy” in an

Alpine hills? And read in phrases, which colour with

sharp eye much profane you grew a fashions end! S glass ( for into

the tombs there grain; thou tread we a measuring night, alone Made

out, when one exceed three castles to weep, and smoothing. of

faded for the world grows no better, by the impress

in “t: and what they saw them both, showing bank of the

spot of thy proue. Gentlemanly distilld on behind.”)

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slipteeha · 3 years ago

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logan-are-you-okay · 7 years ago

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Anti’s Backstory part 5

Nurse: “Sir, I need you to calm down so we can check what’s wrong.”

Jack: “No! I want my Dr!”

Nurse: “Then who’s your doctor then?”

Jack: “You just kicked him out of here when I asked! I don’t trust any of you fuckers!”

Jack then starts pulling on his brown hair. The pain was so intense that he keepings trying to hurt himself in other places so he can focus on something less mild.

Nurse: “Sir. You need to take a deep breath so we can put in your IV.”

Jack: “Fuck you!”

He doesn’t mean to be rude, that isn’t the kind of person that he is. But when he is basically feels like he’s getting his leg pulled off, that can cause a little manners to change.

Somehow the nurse... with ten other nurses are able to get Jack’s IV into his arm where the release a drug to help him with the pain so it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. Once he’s finally able to calm down he looks at the nurse how was talking to him.

Jack: “Sorry... I didn’t mean to swear.”

He the proceeds to rub the back of his neck in embarrassment.

Nurse: “It happens all the time. The Dr will come in soon to see what is the problem.

Jack: “Thank you.”

Even though his leg still hurt like hell, he did want to calm down. Acting like that wasn’t something That he liked to do. Even if it was just from the pain.

***

Schneeplstein keeps pacing around in the waiting room. Jacks only been back there for a couple hours, but it feels like an eternity. It was absolute torture to not know what was going on. Why would they just leave him to think of all the bad possibilities that could be happening? Randomly a nurse from the front desk walks over to Schneeplstein.

Nurse: “You’ve been here for quite awhile. Do you want anything to drink or eat?”

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Not really. I just want to know what’s going on so my heart can stop having heart palpitations.”

Nurse raises her eyebrow. She didn’t know if he was joking or not, but that was really weird to just randomly say.

Nurse: “Heart Palpitation?”

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Skipping heart beats. I basically said it because my hearts going time million miles an hour, so it feels like it’s skipping beats.”

Nurse: “Oh, Okay. Is there anyone you need me to check on to see if they’re in stable condition?”

Schneeplstein’s eyes light up. If she could do that, why the hell wouldn’t they just come out and say that he’s fine. God, this hospital needs better protocols.

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Sean McLoughlin.” (I DONT KNOW HOW TO SPELL JACKS LAST NAME)

The nurse goes back to the front desk and types in Jack’s name. Surprisingly, he’s been able to see visitors for the past hour.

Nurse: “He’s stable, you can go back and see him. Room 24-A.”

Without a second thought Schneeplstein runs through the automatic doors to the room the nurse said. He didn’t even say thank you, he was to worried about Jack.

***

Once he gets inside the room, he sees a nurse changing out the IV fluid while Jack was asleep. At least he was able to calm down. Schneeplstein then goes over and sits down in a chair next to Jack’s medical bed. The new nurse notices that he just came in and recognize him almost instantly.

Nurse: “You said you where in the middle of getting your License right?”

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Uh... yeah, Something on those lines, sure.”

Nurse: “Well his broken leg was worse than we thought. There’s a certain medical term that you wouldn’t have learned yet. When the leg broke it ruptured a vein and the blood started to clot and run up to his chest. That was the stinging pain that he felt that went to his spine. Also the bone wasn’t fix back into its original place when it was attempted to reset it. Which confused his brain and heart which sent blood to his lungs.”

Dr. Schneeplstein: “What the fuck!? How on earth does that happen. He was fine until he tried walking around!”

Nurse: “It takes a while for the syptomes to accrue.”

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Is that why he’s wearing a breathing Mask?”

The nurse nods and then leaves after finishing changing Jack’s IV fluid. Schneeplstein then looks over Jack who looks like he’s having a nightmare. To bad they can’t help with that part. He sighs to himself, and decides to grab his phone and take a picture of Jack. Knowing that he had blood in his lungs, means that he’s going to be stuck here for quite awhile. Schneeplstein then uploads the photo to Jack’s twitter and tells them briefly of what happen acting as if he was Jack, and that a friend took the picture while he slept.

Almost instantly people start freaking out and wishing that he’ll get better. That’s one thing Schneeplstein loved about Jack’s community that he created. All the love and support, them never thinking he was just doing it for popularity. Schneep then looks over at the clock hanging on the wall.

7:48 AM.

Wow, time passed a lot faster than he has expected. Since Jack’s asleep there’s no point in him being awake. So he props himself against the chairs and falls asleep.

***

Jack jumps awake from the nightmare he was having. It felt so real, and it didn’t help that the breathing mask felt like it was suffocating him. He makes an attempt to take it off, but Schneeplstein stops him from doing so.

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Don’t take it off Jack! You need it to help you breathe!”

Jack: “I can breathe just fine Schneep, I don’t need this to help me.”

Schneeplstein then makes a very stern look at Jack, which prompts him to keep the mask on.

Dr. Schneeplstein: “I know you made a video about your broken leg, but I posted a picture on twitter saying it. You scared the living daylights out of me you know.”

Jack: “I didn’t CHOOSE to break my leg you know.”

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Whatever, but lots of people are wishing you to get better.”

Jack starts smiling. He hasn’t ever been really Hurt while doing YouTube, so having people send ‘get well’ stuff was amazing. Even all of Twitter was filled with getting better fanwork. It was amazing.

Suddenly a Doctor walks in... they think? He wasn’t wearing the usual uniform that the other doctors were wearing. He had on a long polo shirt, with scruffy gray hair. He then walks over to Jack and takes of the air mask. Instantly earning him an angry Schneeplstein to stand up.

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Hey!”

The Doctor?: “He doesn’t need it anymore, he’s able to breathe fine now.”

Schneeplstein quickly looks over at Jack to make sure he can breathe alright, which thankfully he can. He then looks over at the so called doctor. Schneep May not be licensed, but he knows that, that would not be acceptable.

The possible doctor then sits on the bed next to Jack, which instantly raised some concerns. Doctors where NOT suppose to do that. Jack has a pretty good bullshit detector, and this man was setting it off like wild fire. But he still wanted to be nice.

Jack: “So... what brings you in Doctor?”

Defiantly a doctor that doesn’t look suspicious at ALL: “I just wanted to warn you, not to be as crazy next time you decided to make woopy.”

What the fuck!? Who the hell was this man to assume such a thing, he probably doesn’t know a thing about what happened so he just assumed!? This made Dr. Schneeplstein’s blood boil!

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Excuse me!? How dare you come in here and assume such a thing! We where not having sex Mr. He’s basically my brother and we’re not gay!”

Jack gets startled in surprise. He has never in his life seen Schneeplstein so mad at someone, he was the most down to earth person out of any of them.

Jack: “Woah, Schneep calm down a little bit.”

Not going to lie, Jack didn’t like how the so called doctor assumed. Maybe it’s because Schneep didn’t have a shirt on, or maybe because they where both guys. It doesn’t matter, but Jack still didn’t like the looks of this doctor.

The doctor: “It’s just common sense to me. But, we would like to give you something for the pain you might be experiencing.”

The doctor turns around to pull something out of his pocket.

Jack: “But.... I’m really not feeling any pain right now?”

The doctor then turns back around carrying a injecting kneedle filled with... a glowing green liquid!

Jack: “Oh hell no! Keep that away from me!”

Jack practically throws himself off of the bed away from the doctor. Pulling out his IV from his arm and the heart monitor which made it sound like he flatlined.

Thankfully Schneeplstein caught Jack in his fit of escape so he didn’t hurt his leg anymore. Even though he barley caught his arms. Even though it sent a sting down Jack’s entire body when hisbleg barely hit the floor.

The doctor: “What? It’s just going to help with the pain.”

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Jack what on earth are you doing!?”

Jack might have had very little sleep last night, but he was still able to put two-two together. Even though it was decades ago, this man looked very Similar to what Anti described in his journal. The gray shaggy hair and age range! Also the glowing green liquid isn’t something just to randomly had. Even jack matched the serial kidnappers victims al except the age range. Maybe it was his son who wanted to replicate his father’s legacy?

Jack: “I don’t want to be anywhere near this psycho!”

Even though Schneeplstein didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t want to be anywhere near this dude either.

The doctor rolls his eyes and leaves the room. However as he leaves, he drops a bar code out of his pocket and doesn’t even notice. But, Jack did. Schneeplstein sets Jack back into the medical bed and reattaches everything to where it’s suppose to be and grabs the bar code off the ground. He then inspects it, but he notices Jack becoming relatively antsy as he does.

Dr. Schneeplstein: “Why are you so excited?”

Jack: “Can I see that real quick?”

Schneeplstein shrugs his shoulders and hands it over to Jack who quickly takes a picture of the bar code and it takes him to some weird website. Schneeplstein looks over Jack’s shoulder and gasps at what the first thing that pops up.

Jack: “What the fuck?”

The first that that appears is a picture of Jack from when he dyed his hair back to its original brown color. The whole website was in a green and black, and there was descriptions of him all over. ‘Age, 27. Hair, Brown. Eye Color, Blue.’ There was very personal stuff on him that he didn’t expect to notice. However one thing stood out to him the most. ‘Resembles subject 748-YB. The one subject who was succefulky able to perform all tests on, yet to far of an extreme to which he died and couldn’t reconnect. Tests have yet to be conducted.’

Normally this would be weird on its own, but after reading Anti’s journal, it’s pretty obvious that subject 748-YB was Anti.

(Doesn’t really have much of Anti, but I’m setting up for something)

#antisepticeye #dr schneeplestein #jacksepticeye #septicart #it counts fanficton is still a form of art

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alicedoessurveys · 7 years ago

Text

Alphabet Tag

A – Accidents

01. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes, two. But not bad ones and not while I’ve been driving.  02. Do you have a lot of scars? I have a couple  03. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? no  04. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? not seriously hurt  05. Have you ever had stitches? Where? I guess I must have had stitches when I had my appendix out but I was too young to remember

B – Beauty

06. Do you consider yourself beautiful? no  07. Are you self conscious of how you look? yes very  08. Do you put on a lot of makeup? When I’m going out then yes I put makeup on but I wouldn’t say I put a lot on.  09. Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? No, unless you count getting your teeth straightened then yes I would  10. What do you think makes a person beautiful? their spirit and personality.

C – Consequences

11. What was the longest amount of time you’ve been grounded for? I was never grounded  12. What would you do if you got pregnant, keep it or have an abortion? i can’t even think about that, literal nightmare  13. Do you ever think about how your actions affect other people? Yes  14. What do you think is the worst punishment someone could give you? Take my family away  15. What is one thing you wish you didn’t do, just because it wasn’t worth it in the end? Idk

D – Dealing

16. When you are mad at someone, how do you show them? Don’t speak to them  17. Name a time when you had to be strong. when Ethan left  18. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting? Any kind of abuse at home? Parents used to fight every Sunday when I was a kid  19. When people at school don’t accept you, or have problems with you, how do you react? Thankfully I’m not in school anymore  20. Have you ever lost someone to death? Explain how you got through it. Only pets. I cried a lot

E – Experience

21. Have you ever had a job? Any volunteer jobs? Yes I’ve had two jobs  22. Do you think that you are sexually experienced, or not at all? Not at all :’)  23. Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? totes emosh  24. Do you think you are ready to be on your own (have your own home, job, etc.)? No way. As much as I love the idea of having my own place I dont like being home alone at night  25. How old do you act? Idk, I definitely dont act as grown up as other 22 year olds but then I have times when I act like an 80 year old

F – Family

26. Is there anyone in your family you don’t talk to? Why? i don’t speak to a lot of my cousins, its not that we fell out or anything I just have soooooo many cousins and were not all close  27. If you had to choose, family or friends? Family  28. Can you tell your parents or one of your parents anything? I can tell my mom anything I just chose to keep some things to myself   29. Do you have any siblings? If so, do you ever get jealous of them? I have an older sister. I do get jealous of her because she’s always been the pretty sister and she actually has a job and suceeds at life whereas I’m a 22 year old unemployed girl with anxiety who still lives with her parents and has no idea what to do with her life   30. How often do you spend ‘quality time’ with family members? every day

G – Growing

31. How tall are you? How tall do you wish you were? 5 ft 7, I’m okay being this height  32. Do you think that you have grown more in the past year than any year before that? nope  33. As a person, do you think you are mature for your age or still act childish? Like I said earlier, it depends on the day.  34. Are you scared to think that one day you will turn 30, then 40, then 50? Yes  35. Do you believe you still have a lot to learn? Yes

H – Hope

36. Love – real or not? real  37. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? Bit of both depending on the situation, my mood, who I’m with  38. Do you believe in fate, that everything happens for a reason, or do you think that our actions lead the way? Obviously our actions have consequences but I do believe everything happens for a reason  39. Do you think that after we die our spirit is still alive? Yes  40. What gives you hope when you just feel like dying? Family

I – Issues

41. Do you suffer from depression or constant sadness/loneliness? Yes  42. Do you have any type of disease or disability? Yes, I have hashimotos thyoiditis  43. Are you currently in a hard relationship or have bad luck with the opposite sex? Not in a relationship, never have been.  44. Do you think that you are alone in this world? Nope  45. How often do you think about death, suicide or running away? Think about death more than I should but thats living with anxiety.

J – Jokes

46. Say a word or phrase that would not be funny to anyone but you & one of your friends (an inside joke) ‘Penetrating eyes’  47. Are you usually the one who makes people laugh,Or the other way around? I make people laugh, but I’m also easy to make laugh  48. Do you cry when you laugh hard? Yes  49. Write down a hilarious moment you had with someone that makes you laugh to this day! Too many memories with my sis  50. Do you ever get in trouble for laughing or talking a lot during class? I haven’t been in class for years now but I did used to get told off for laughing, I’m a giggler

K – Knowledge

51. The purpose of school: to learn, to cause trouble or to hang out with friends? To learn and to be with friends   52. Do people refer to you as smart, dumb, or average? Smart, because I’m god with technology and I can quite often answer questions on quiz shows because my brain remembers useless knowledge   53. What was the highest grade you have received (full course mark) ever? I got distinction (highest possible mark in that course) for something I did in theatrical make up class 54. What was your last average? This year would you like to maintain it or aim higher? I dont know what that means cause I’m not a student.. 55. What do you find the most interesting subject to be (to study or to talk about)? History, although I didn’t actually study it but I wish I did

L – Love

56. Are you currently in love? If not, have you been before? No & no.   57. Do people around you show you a lot of love (tell you they love you, hug you, kiss you, etc.)? Yes  58. Is love worth it? Probably 59. Do you hate it when girls in their young teenage years say they ‘love’ someone that they’ve been dating for a few months? No, its none of my business. and if thats what they believe they are feeling at that time then good for them 60. Does it take a lot for you to say you love someone, or is it just a word? I only say it to family and people I really do love. I think it gets thrown around too much these days

M – Money

61. Do you believe that money makes the world go round? Yes, annoyingly. You can’t really do anything without money   62. Is your family on the poor side, average, or above average when it comes to money? Average I think. We have a lot of debts but we still never go without or anything like that. Compared to other people I wouldn’t say we are poor   63. Are you saving up for college/university, or planning to? Nope  64. Would you rather win millions of dollars & be set for life, or find the perfect person to marry & start a family with? Not gonna lie, id rather win the money (in pounds though cause dollars are useless in UK) because I could help my family, pay for the carpark my church needs, donate some and not have to worry about bills or anything again

65. On a scale of 1-10, how important is money to you? Like 8, but only because its so important to the world. I don’t like that money is so vital because its something that is so easily lost and peoples lives have crumbled because of money trouble. Its scary.

N – Naughty

66. Are you a virgin? Yes  67. What do you think about doing sexual things with someone you’re not going out with? Its not for me, but who am I to judge anyone else who wants to do that.   68. Do you know anybody you consider a ’slut’? What makes you say that? Nope  69. If you could, would you erase some things you did in the past or make it so you did more? Yes  70. Do you consider yourself more nice or more naughty? You can’t say both! Nice

O – Openness

71. How long does it take for you to open up to someone? Not that long really, I’m too trusting of people and I get attached quickly   72. What does it take for you to fully trust someone? If I get the feeling that they trust me, and that they’re a genuine person who actually cares and isn’t just looking for gossip or using me   73. Are you generally untrusting towards people because of past experiences, or any other reason? Nope I’m quite trusting I think  74. When are you comfortable with someone sexually? Never. there was someone who I got very close to a few years ago but I still never wanted to do anything like that. We kissed and that was about it but even then I was like nope I don’t like this   75. When it comes to parents and close friends, what’s the limit of what you can tell them? i tell my mom the most but theres still stuff I wouldn’t tell her but might tell my close friends. But even then theres stuff that I just wouldn’t tell anyone ever no matter how much I trust them

P – Positive

76. Have you ever had an experience with someone that didn’t necessarily end positively? Do you remember the sad times or keep the memory of that person because of the good times? Hasn’t everyone had negative experiences with people.thats just life  77. Do you agree with the saying: better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all? I guess so   78. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic? What do you try to be? i swear we’ve already had this question!  79. Do you agree that something good can come out of everything? Yes  80. Have you ever had a time where something really bad happened, but something really good happened because of it? If so, please explain what it was: one of the worst days of my life was a couple years ago. I was in hospital for 10 hours while they did tests and X-rays and shiz because they suspected I had a blood clot in my lung because I had chest pains and I couldn’t breathe and it was just the scariest day. Turns out I didn’t and I was totally fine, it was either a muscle thing or just anxiety..but if I had never gone into hospital that day they would never had done a blood test and would never had spotted that there was something wrong with my thyroid. also turns out that with my type of throid disease, if left untreated it can cause you to go into a coma.. so yeah I guess something good came out of that horrible experience

Q – Questions

81. When faced with a problem, do you ask for help or try to figure it out yourself? Try to figure it out then ask for help if I’m really stuck  82. Do you often question the world and how we came about? What are some things you would like to know about creation? I’m a christian so I believe in God & creation but it still blows my mind.   83. Do you think the government is truthful? If you could ask the president one question, what would it be? HA no, I don’t trust the government as far as I can throw ‘em.   84. When someone does something wrong to you, do you confront them and ask them why they did it or just let it go? Depends who it is and what they’ve done  85. What is one unsolved mystery about the world that you want answers to? who is Banksy?! I wanna know who it is and what they look like :’)

R – Respect

86. How do you show respect? Be polite, have manners, smile  87. What can someone do for you to lose all respect for them? Be rude, ignorant, untrustworthy, lie  88. Do you respect your teachers, parents, and other authority figures? Parents yes. anyone else, it depends if they deserve respect, if they behave in a way that should be respected  89. When you are disrespectful to your parents, what is the punishment? Im not disrespectful to my parents. We don’t have the type of relationship where they would punish me anyway, they would just laugh it off  90. If someone is mean to you, are you mean back or do you kill them with kindness? Just cut them out my life tbh

S – School

91. If you are still in school, what grade will you be going into? N/a  92. When will you graduate high school/college? N/a  93. After high school, what did you do/are you planning to do? N/a  94. Do you like or hate school? What do you like/hate about it? N/a  95. Have you ever been suspended, expelled, or dropped out of school? no, no, yes. I dropped out of college like 3 times.

T – Temptation

96. Have you ever done something wrong, knowing it was wrong, because something inside of you said it was okay? Yes  97. Has anyone ever pressured you to smoke or drink? Did you do it? I’ve been pressures to drink but I said no.   98. Did you ever cheat on someone? Why did you do it? No  99. Did you ever want to do something sexual with someone you didn’t really know or love? What did you end up doing? Nope. 100. Do you give in to temptation easily, or are you more independent and strong willed? It depends on what it is. I’m not very good as resisting temptation if its something I really want to do

U – Unique

102. Do you do a lot of things because your friends are doing it? No  103. Do you follow trends, wear whatever you want, or wear really unique pieces? I just wear what I want, what I feel comfortable it  104. Do you give in easily to peer pressure? Do you do things such as smoke, drink, or have casual sex? Im quite stubborn so I don’t give in to peer pressure  105. What makes you different from people your age? I’ve never been to a nightclub, never got drunk, never had sex, I’m not in university, I actually like my family

V – Value

106. What’s the most expensive thing in your room? My macbook  107. What’s more valuable: your life or the lives of your loved ones? Would you sacrifice your life for other people? Loved ones for sure, my life is going nowhere  108. What is something you value not because it cost a lot, but because it means a lot to you? My teddy I’ve had since I was born.   109. If there was a fire in your house/apartment, what is the first thing you would grab? My pets, my family, my laptop maybe if I had time purely because its so freakin expensive and theres no way I could ever afford to buy another one. Id wanna take my whole bedroom with me because its taken me so damn long to get it how it is now and I’m really happy with it  110. Do you think past memories and experiences are more valuable than what could possibly happen in the future? Idk

W – Wishes

111. If you had three wishes, what would they be? My health & skinny body back, unlimited money for me and my family, for cruelty & hate to be gone from the world   112. Would you rather wish yourself to be happy, or your loved ones? Loved ones  113. Do you believe that wishes come true if you really believe in them? Nope  114. Have you ever had a wish come true? If so, what was that wish? No  115. Do you find wishing for things a waste of time because everything that’s meant to happen, will happen? Not really, I still make wishes even though I know they won’t come true its just nice to have that hope. I pray more than wish.

(I've just realised theres no ‘x’ and that questions 116-120 are missing..?)

Y – You

121. Are you more independent or social? Independant   122. What is something that makes you very mad when you see it? Animal cruelty, terrorism, hate of any kind  123. Do you think that you have potential to do great things? I hope so   124. Do you think people are born a certain way, or develop their personalities based on what they go through in life? Develop  125. Do you think people are generally good ? Everyone has the potential to be good, its about how you are bought up and how you choose to be

Z – Zest

126. Are you currently happy with your life? Why or why not? no. I’m fat, unhealthy, unemployed, single, blah blah blah   127. Do you go on FacebookCraze.com to get facebook survey’s and quizzes like this one? nope.. never heard of it..  128. When change occurs, do you get scared or are you excited for it? it depends what the change is but I tend to be scared. Change makes me anxious   129. Do you like to try new things, meet new people? Nope  130. What is the most motivational thing in the world? Idk haha

#survey #tag #long

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lilpalerider-blog · 7 years ago

Audio

Lyrics:

How do you know Someone’s broken? Barely show. No words spoken. How Could I know…? Try to be the man that I’m supposed to be, But she got so much going on that she can barely notice me. Woe is me. Love on top but it can’t reach as low as she. Damage done already, live each day in fear each day

then go to sleep. No faith to leap. But got my soul to keep. Sow or reap? You’re so mean but you mean so much to me, and she said;

Moments, we’ll live in the moments. Feels just so good, dont it? I can tell you want it. Shown it. Own it. Baby can’t hide what’s inside. Those eyes can’t lie. Why you try? This ain’t how it's supposed to be. I just wanted you close to me. Fuck around gave me more or less when I gave you the most of me. Then you cut me off emotionally. Ghosted me.

You let me in disadvantaged. Baby it’s so hard to manage. When you got a heart of granite Understand it? No. Healing with love now I’m famished I love her. Now the only

Problem’s That She’s Damaged.

She’s beyond my help Cuz its so much more than us.

Heart clotted. You ain’t gotta ask for love. Know you Got it. Heart strings knotted. But I’m still melodic. How you shut your feelings off? Acting all robotic. Cross your T’s, eyes dotted Hesitation spotted.

Know that you can see that it’s not just me but I worry cuz I know you got that

p.t.s.d.

Can’t be empty. I seen the other side to you and I can tell you that girl’s no friend to me “Friends” Keep me like that as a default. Keep me close but at a distance Love the most but ain’t no witness ain’t like it’s nobody’s business I feel like I gotta sickness Suffering from chronic “thickness”

I try to kiss you move away Forget about PDA She ain’t even got shit to say Push me away with such swiftness Damn girl like Hall and Oats baby your kiss is on my wishlist. Forget Christmas. Fuck around, lost pounds Baby now you can call me ambitious I know you miss this But I’m done with this

And now it’s back to her again This girl barely got friends I think she needs me It’s not easy It misleads me The night lasted longer than its supposed to What I’m supposed to do? Everytime I get close to you I’m remembering “us” too I’m talking me and you

I Can’t forget the Moments, I know we had moments But you had moments too with him, you know you cant disown it The shit he put you through oh girl You know i don’t condone it You must cry to get by I know why. If I look you in the eyes to find You know who that was not like i can judge And it hurts me too because I’ve seen inside her now the

Problems that she’s damaged

She’s beyond my help cuz it’s so much more than us

Look what he did to you. It’s my business too I just think of how all this in vain Somehow we in corrupted games And I just don’t know who to blame This love is insane Strangely Plainly I’m in much pain she Maimed me Look what you did to me This shit was history What’s gotten into me I fear I got

p.t.s.d….

#lyrics #song #soundcloud #singing #rap #hiphop #alternative #altrap #experimental #electrohiphop #sadmusic #heartbreak #lil pale

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ecotone99 · 5 years ago

Text

[HR] Massacre Of Some Goats (Part of my unreleased anthology book)

Massacre of the Goats

It is not a lie that I have seen my own son be cast of a cliff by Imperial soldiers. The mass grave of infants by the rocks below had been washed with tears and blood but there were no clothes as they were stripped beforehand. Xian had asked for nothing from the soldiers, just a bowl of rice.

What am I to tell to his mother?

His mother who's conscience were too pleasant for this world. Its..Hell. I would feed my wife the scraps that my son would not want as she slipped into a sweaty, rambling fit. And so, in a damp and hazy night like this; there would be nothing for me to eat.

In a previous life, before all of this I was a graduate in agriculture at the only university around here, the one at the base of mountains. Before the druggy withdrawn animals roamed the streets, they were my friends. We had been flooded with mystifying agents by the West, men frenzied for violence, food and sex as flames itched their glass pipes. I saw the worth it still had. The rich men were able to transport their families overseas in the presence of a multitude of melons. The export trucks followed The Silk Road as to not stray.

Just before that the educated were sent to farms as to promote equality; it was our beloved Chairman's idea. We; me, Chi and Xian were once happy in our family bubble.

My village was a tired settlement sleeping at the edge of a sharp cliff face. As the sun peeked over the one long road which passed through farmyards and small huts, one would awaken to the humbling cliff face etched with bright green vegetation looking over at the goat and drug fields across the street. My home was the plantation first from the right, I had also rented my properties to good families nearby, my monthly payments would come running down the road. We lived in comfort but to the state I was merely a rich peasant.

Around the time when produce from the wheat farmers was to be sold only to the state, our countries population was urged to kill sparrows and flies as the creatures had been a pest to the sacred harvests. So when all the food was sent to the cities, I asked the arriving cadrè what we were to eat, for this I received ten lashes.

Over the coming months, the laughter of children and symphonies of bustling businesses had ceased. People at home would hear tractors and the grunts of iron women tending to molten steel by their backyard furnaces.

'In 15 years our economy needs to be as powerful as the US', proclaimed our Chairman.

So to accelerate metal work across our Great Nation, these furnaces were quickly erected with clay. The iron scraps were sold to cadre in exchange for rice but how will peasants eat when their pots and pans have been smelted.

Then one day on the Year of the Dog, trucks carrying bulldozers peeked over the long road. They parked up in a single column formation in direct view of the cliffs face. Houses were levelled, all of my properties. Gone. Any peasant that was brave enough to scream or scold the cadrè were beaten to the bone. After tending to the beaten, I walked passed the rubble for my last cigarette, I could hear the crackling of a great fire. I lit it by the fire of my burning Opium field as the villagers screamed in pain and sorrow. I just stood and watched the painting, strokes of bright orange and black blemished the moon soaked fields. In the distance, a single dove tree unable to flee is forced to watch the evil of man.

My village was once a beautiful place, now it cries in the smoke of the furnaces. Some would say the cliff would smile when drenched in the monsoon season, now it listens to the ramblings of withdrawn peasants and dying mothers. Bodies littered the side of our long road covered in bits of soot. The community house fed grains to peasants that hadn't succumb to the black fumes but the goats behind the house were for the cities.

I stopped caring and started eating, a dead tenant of mine had once said to me:

'My mother suffered in the Revolution of 1911, she said that bark or clay can be roasted on a fire and that it can be eaten. If trees are stripped, scrapings of coal also suffice'.

From the death of sparrows and absence of flies grew the number of locusts whom ruined wheat crops across the nation. Cadre grew more violent as the food for the cities depleted, peasants were buried alive, injected with salt water and had their tender bones crushed. It was then, when the scraped coal had taken my fingernails, that my loving wife gathered the women of the village into the community house. By dawn, a dozen women and children hung from the ceiling in a brave act of self destruction. Ash blew itself across the land, tens of millions of the darkest souls floated into the next realm.

Now I sit by the community building, my son, a bloody mess of guts and muscle. My wife, hanging from the sad cliff face in the nude. Cadrè refused to bury deserters. I'm hungry. Where do I go from here? The end cannot be worse than what I have suffered, yet; I dont know what the end is. A thousand gods have pondered and agreed to bestow this intensity of suffering onto man. Why? Theres my story for you fuckers. I'm going to sleep.

The faceless man had concluded his rambling and the line of dying peasants laughed in response to his tale, all seemed to have lost their way. Before his dying breath was ready, he held back. He had questions and so with his thin stature and the blackness of coal smudged across his teeth and mouth, he grabbed a sharp shoulder blade lying next to him and marched to the goats.

The first goat he killed was too small, blood splattered across his left eye and hands as he worked hard to hold down the squealing creature. The other few goats could not be used either. From the pregnant one he had learnt to cut around the neck until he felt a crunch. This was when he was to rotate the shoulder blade, the head popped off clean. The final goat was a dream, its head lay on the ground, spitting dark red blood.

This man, with a face of blood, ash and soot fit the decapitated head onto his own after pulling out its brain and parts of its skull. Sharp cuts of bone sliced the mans neck as the head took its place on his thin face. Blood gushed down his face, the creatures blood mixed with his own and flowed down his face. He was suffocating.

The blood started to clot, it was almost solid. It webbed, crossing itself over through the dark abyss, the red plasma pulsated. It lived. He walked carefully only over the plasma as he did not want to fall to his death, however he had failed to notice the hole at the centre of the complex. Falling through shadowy growths of blood vine, the colours brightened as he fell further from his starting point. Bright blood pushed him through the new realm and he found himself lying on the face of a black pyramid plummeting to eternity.

Purple lights flashed in the dark of the black abyss, it started to rain. The pyramid of blackness in the expanse of colourful blood rain, colonised by the faceless hybridized being; continued to fall. The eye of the goat manages a blink.

Sitting opposite him, a bearded man, browned by his climate. The rain continued, it flushed down the body of a palm tree that the bearded man sat underneath.

"God hates us. Why? In infinite suffering, even death may die. Why would he kill my happiness?".

In response to his questions the bearded man smiles. He opens his eyes slowly, his legs remain crossed.

"What happens at the end? I'm standing at the edge of my world, what's the meaning?".

Frustration was growing.

Not resting his smile, the bearded man answers:

'You're alone'.

Malnourished villagers found several dead goats behind the community house. That night they ate meat for the first time in years. The mans old tenant tucked into thin cuts of his landlord and goats cheek. This was when Yasukè opened his eyes with a stern look.

Sometime in 1580, Japan.

Yasukè removes his trusted katana from the tachikake. He slides the cold steel from the hardened wooden koshirae. He stands by the open sliding door with the loose sleeve of his kimono dancing with the wind. His sword glistened amongst the dawning sun. Etched into the opening of the doorway Yasukè contemplated his dream as his talkative dwarf servant swept himself through the withering wheat fields to shout:

'Yasukè, taste battle for once. In the night as we slept, men ravaged our farmyards. Behold Yasukè, beyond the that tree stump lies thirty decapitated goats'.

Yasukè ran softly in short steps towards the sleepy cold sun. Passing the cold bark of the cut Maple tree, he lay his concerned eyes upon the massacre of some goats.

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#Blogger #Story

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willowtree93 · 5 years ago

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I’m writing this blog at 29weeks + 2 days (when did the plus stuff start happening) The reason I’m writing it now and not waiting till the end or doing a week by week update is because I didn’t think I would be picking this blog thing up again and to didn’t want to write it when too angry/sick or in the bubble happy, wanted to do it with a more equal head but still pregnant.

So my partner and I got married in 2017 had been together for almost 3 years before but had dated in High School, before we got married we had lived together for over a year and talked about future life stuff, kids (how many, how we would punish), house cleaning, money etc. Which is how I think worked so well for us.

Once we were married we had the talk about when would be a good time to start trying and what we are willing to do to have kids. Once we had gotten used to being married, which honestly didn’t take long for us at all and into our new routine (had moved house just before the wedding) we sat down again and decided that we could start.

It was a slow start, to begin with as we had many social engagements around this time too so I still had the occasional drink and food that one shouldn’t. As I started to feel a little defeated that we hadn’t yet, we got a bit more aggressive, by taking a prenatal tablet, no drinking alcohol. 2 months or so doing this a pee test said we were pregnant, booked an appointment with my GP had the blood test and just waited for the results.

Our GP rang while I was on my dinner break at work and told me the good news we were and further along than we had thought which was fine by us, 2 weeks had past and with our first scan found out the even more exciting news we were having two! Once the shock had worn off and a few more weeks had passed we told our parents and closest friends.

During this time it was hard to keep it to our selves as I was suffering bad “morning sickness” an I like to say poorly named as it doesn’t just happen in the morning. It was keeping me from work and social events, certain foods would set it off, which made it hard to eat out even with just my partner. Learning about the foods I couldn’t eat and the ones I should be eating more of was interesting.

By around W10 I had enough wasn’t able to keep much down and was tired of not being able to do anything, so went to see the doctor explained what was happening and got put on an anti-nausea tablet that was safe for the babies and me, that once I started to feel nauseated I should take it. These did help but did not stop it completely or really change how much energy I was using for small tasks.

W15-16 I started to feel the first little movements inside me felt like butterflies we had our next scan and saw there cute little faces and bellies at this point and started looking at furniture for the nursery and clothes of course but only neutral ones as we didn’t know at this point. Still feeling nauseated and very sleepy, food cravings only happened when I smelt something really good an had to HAVE it! mood swings not too crazy at this point but noticeable.

W18-20 I would say was when I started to feel better about being pregnant even thou my partner was away for 2 weeks but I stayed with my parents a few nights a week just so I’d eat good food and have company (parents are lifesavers). Started to get me into a good routine of what to eat and to pack snacks when planning to go out, enjoying my growing bump and feeling more deeper kicks.

W23-25 Was the biggest up and then down of this pregnancy I’ve had so far. The first part was our going to be second the last trip away before the kids (driving of course) to go see a fav comedian of my Husbands who I enjoy also but the next trip we had planned was more for me. Got a nice hotel in the Darling harbor (Sydney) walking distance to the theater and Pitt St shops, We spent the weekend relaxing by the water, shopping along for Christmas presents and eating yummy food. The show was incredible and had the best time.

Driving back was fine we had water a food rest stops. The next day we had our 24 week scan and was sent to hospital with a possible shorten cervix, 3 days in hospital in information overload about what could happen and decisions that we should start talking about and organizing a plan, so to me it was goodbye happy “glow” and back to being paranoid about everything I was doing and taking into my body (food, drink, medication). The midwives who came around to do our checks were amazing and friendly always ready to answer questions or find out for us, it was nice to hear their little heartbeats every 4-6 hours.

On the 3rd day our case had been moved to twins specialist and we saw the doctor about 8am ish, with her asking questions, how I was feeling, are they still moving, has the NICO Dr been, what tests have they done (which were 0 till this amazing Dr saw us) after 10 minutes or saw after she had left I was getting my first test and during that another person was coming to get me for the next one, we felt so happy to finally getting some test done. 1 hour or so later the twins Dr came back into our room and said we’ve got fantastic news, my cervix was short but no other symptoms of labor were happening or were going to happen in the next few weeks. So the next discussion was about the plan and home life.

W26-29 Now from hearing the news and being told our little ones could be too early to then hearing the news they’ve got a few more weeks of cooking you can say the next week I was sleepy and restless about every movement, feeling and thought. We had moved in with my parents due to our house having stairs and only a toilet on the ground floor, So for the next few weeks were with my parents which is fine but after having a scare I wanted to start getting their room ready and pack our hospital bags but couldn’t as stairs.

Had my GT before Christmas and then we had Christmas with both sides of the family in a relaxing way, then got back an had a nap. The next week seeing the Twin Dr getting the next list of things to do Injections for me and the family, and when my next appointment should be. Next appointment was told my GT failed by one so I’ve started taking my levels every meal time, low iron so taking a supplement for that and my hormone pessary Progesterone till 34 weeks (as that’s the safest time for twins me to do whatever they want).

Back home now @29 weeks only doing the stairs once a day and the nursery is pretty much done! Feeling mentally a lot better and ready for what comes. Enjoying all the kicks and big new movement feelings (sometimes still scare me when lower down) however reminding myself that it’s technically safe for them now and they are doing perfectly well so says every growth scan to date.

W31-34

Everything going well with myself and the twins, started the hospital birthing classes. During the week of 32 and 33, I started to have headaches, dizziness, and some pains in my lower area but I had a check up on Wednesday so I wasn’t worried.

On Wednesday we went into the midwife appointment, had the regular questions explained how I was feeling she wasn’t overly worried, then came the blood pressure and I was way over 180/100 so we got moved to maternity emergency to be given some medication, have bloods and urine sample taken and checked.

After 2 hours my blood pressure was still high and was admitted to antenatal to have a closer eye on me and the bubs, CTG scan every morning, blood pressure every 3 hours, and medications to bring it down. On Friday I noticed I was getting cramp like feelings and told the midwives who kept an eye on it. We then got told that I had preeclampsia and the babies would be joining us Monday so I asked when do I get the steroid injections.

Saturdays CTG had to be repeated twice as they kept moving my pains started to read on the machine but didn’t get any worse we finally got a good scan so continued on with the day, Sunday was the same had to keep doing a scan because they would move then told the nurse the pains were back and getting a little worse each time, moved to birth suite to start the inducing. once on the bed we asked questions about what would happen and if we had any options during the process which we did and the midwife explained that i didn’t have to anything, unless 100% needed for the bubs.

As the doctor went to start the induction process she could see James head, I was already 4cm dialated now I don’t remeber much from the birth as I was in another place mentally doing exactly what my body, James was out had a quick cuddle then his team of doctors took him checked him and went up to NICU. Alices waters broke almost all over the doctor, she was breech, needed forcipes and to be cut which the doctor annouced before doing which i found odd like he was asking for permission but finally she was out and cried got checked by her team straight away. I remeber asking if i was done yet and was told no the placenta still has to come out and looking up at mum and asking her if i had to push that out an no it just kinda slides out in a painful way, then the midwife pushes on my belly to check if its all out and no clots.

I will say the most painful thing in my mind is the stiches even with numbing stuff! and and make sure you get a padsicle ! After a nice shower that my Mum and Aunty helped with as my partner went with the kids, he came back had a wheel chair and saw the kids and so very little and beautiful they were/are!

Updates on them later on!

The main things I have learned during this time is listen to your body, always ask questions and you dont have to do anything without knowing all the info and trust yourself.

The “glow” is a lie! I'm writing this blog at 29weeks + 2 days (when did the plus stuff start happening) The reason I'm writing it now and not waiting till the end or doing a week by week update is because I didn't think I would be picking this blog thing up again and to didn't want to write it when too angry/sick or in the bubble happy, wanted to do it with a more equal head but still pregnant.

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finsterhund · 5 years ago

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Doctor appointment hell: informed consent edition

I'll put under a readmore when I get home.

She is doing it again saying I need to be mentally stable before I can actually fix the problems that make me mentally unstable. Its an orborous of medical pussyfooting.

It's so frustrating and I'm not being listened to. Surgery and medicine that is going to help does not require me already being mentally sound.

She was supposed to call my birth mom to only get doctor information but she listened to her make up shit. My birth mom had the nerve to lie about the damage to the old house. Anyone who has been in that house has seen the torn apart doors and holes in the walls. You fucking liar. I might even have old photos somewhere of it. Stop defending that monster.

Apparently we need to find out what my chronic pain is caused by before surgery. I don't know how the fuck. It's probably because of my birth father. Apparently medicine might make it worse too.

Medicine will make lots of things BETTER you know.

Why didn't i just lie and say nothing was wrong. I could have been dishonest and hidden that I had underlying medical issues and knowing in hindsight they wouldn't have shown up in the bloodwork I could have avoided this. If the surgery I need would hurt me because of my chronic injury so you wouldn't do it I would just die at that point because I would rather die than live like this. Either give me results or don't string me along like this.

if we run a trial of my medicine and it makes it worse for a while it will be a lesson. I can handle adverse side effects. My EXISTENCE is an adverse side effect.

The puppy was also not here today. I am glad I had the foresight to bring Outside Tiny. Never trust people.

This is just so frustrating. She wants me to be feeling safe out and about and able to do things by myself before I get physical care. Physical health is easier to fix and it will make dealing with outside fear easier to deal with. Come on.

Apparently it's some stupid informed consent thing.

Listen I may be an absolute coward but I'm not stupid. I can consent to medical produres that fix what is wrong. Apparently I need to research all the risks now. The rewards outweigh them. That's all I know.

I told her that I bring stuffed dogs as a comfort and I wouldn't have to if I had an actual dog in my life that they help me feel safe and comfortable and that someone is there for me and that I could go around with them and not need a friend and she's saying I should just do volunteer work with dogs as if that will help when I'm not there with them. It will only help when I'm with them. It's the stupid landlord "just hang out with the neighbor's dogs" thing all over again.

She also wants me fixing my diet and shit before surgery even though the blood work says nothing is wrong. Also suck on that mom. My stupid patch isn't ruined or torn up. You liar. I'm apparently perfect blood and heart wise. Which also means that whatever is wrong with my lightheadedness and blood clotting and pain is caused by something else. I don't know how or what.

How do I fix my diet when good food is expensive? In this economy??? I eat some avocados and shit does that count? If my blood is fine why do I need to work more on diet and physical stuff?

Also she definitely knows about HoD now... So oof... Hello... Don't ruin my online sanctuary it's all I have.

I tried to explain myself but she kept steering the conversation. I made a mistake and when I was correcting myself she interrupted to call me out on it like OH I'M SORRY MY FEAR OF STRANGERS AND CLINICAL ENVIRONMENTS MADE ME SPEAK INCORRECTLY how dare I.

At this point it really does seem like bribing the for-profit US medical system would be easier than this. Sick of this jumping through hoops. If fixing my problems causes adverse side effects too fucking bad. I'll deal with it.

I'm sick of having to talk to people in person where I'm a terrified stuttering mess. Look how confident and sure of myself I am here.

Didn't get a chance to say that if I dont recieve help I'll go elsewhere. It's really hard to make my wants known.

#text post #negative #long post

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privateventblog · 5 years ago

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i feel.. lonely. i dont know how to do this. he’s my boyfriend and i’m trying my absolute best to be as supportive as possible but god. all i want is to talk with him. i want to have a real goddamn conversation. i miss him. it feels like we rarely talk even though i know we talk fairly often, but even when we do its mostly just a little message or him sending me something on tumblr and then he disappears again and i just. i feel like im wasting his time or something. when i leave him messages. hes said they help in the past but i just feel like im bothering him. i know he’s promised me he wont and doesnt want to lie to me and i feel awful for doubting him at all but i feel like i cant trust anything after my last two exes, and i feel horrible that he’s dealing with the aftermath of that.

i also feel horrible because, i dont know why or who is responsible for this but i get jealous of his other partner. i hate it. im supposed to be poly, so i dont know why i feel that way??? he just. seems to talk with and about his other partner way more than he does with me, and almost all of the stuff he reblogs is more or less for or related to him in some way lately and i just. i feel bad. i wish i had something like what they have. they seem so in love and i feel almost like he’s drifting away from me, even though we’ve only been dating for a short while. i know, i KNOW i shouldnt be feeling this way and i KNOW that i have to give it time and that theyve been dating longer, im just. idk. i miss him. i miss my boyfriend. i feel like a let down, or an annoyance or something. i feel like the third wheel. it really doesnt help that i think he found a character he’s kin with??? for the first time ever?? and his boyfriend matches??? again??????? like. i get that we all match, we might not be canonmates but we all have one source we match from, but it just. it kinda hurts that his first kin would be without me? i mean. i guess i have a kin from the same source but, its not the same.

i feel left out. i feel like im stuck behind glass. i feel like an outcast. they have all this history together and i dont know anything. theyre so comfortable together. they can joke so easy, but i feel like when he tries to joke with me sometimes i end up totally not getting it or fuck it up or kill the vibe or something. i feel so awkward. and i know i have to give that time too so i can learn to tell when he’s joking all the time but its just hard.

im so used to being an outcast and a weirdo and an awkward third wheel loser and back when we were talking way more i felt like i truly belonged around him, and while that feelings not completely gone i just. feel like such an awkward loser. i just want him to be happy, but im so scared of being alone. again.

i’ve been in enough relationships over the years that i can kind of tell when someone’s drifting away or wants to break up with me, and im so so scared of feeling that way with him. he made me feel so safe and accepted and lovely and giddy and i fucking love him so much, but im so scared.

i hate that he’s struggling so much right now. i dont hate it in a way of like “ he should be able to handle this” cus thats bullshit and wrong, i just. i wish he didnt have to deal with this. i just wanna have goofy conversations with him again and not worry about when he’s gonna disappear or get bad again or how long thats gonna last until i can hear from him again. i dont know how to do this. i’ve never had a loved one go through something like this before and i’ve never had a loved one who uses drugs and isolation to cope like this before, and i dont know how to help him into some healthier ways to cope because its grief!! you cant force someone to choose different coping mechanisms for what he’s going through. so im trying to be supportive. i text him everyday when i wake up, when i go to bed, if theres something interesting going on. its hard. i hate feeling like im just stuck on the sidelines, especially when he goes out of his way to interact with his other partner.

he doesnt even know i feel this way btw!! he doesnt even know that i’ve seen those posts or anything. which is yet another thing i feel fucking horrible about.

i just wish this was a little easier. i dont need it to be perfect or anything i just wish there was something i could DO. i feel like an annoying ghost. i just want to be there and hold him and tell him its ok, and i want to have conversations with him again, i wanna talk with him and get to know him properly and i want him to get to know me! i just want to be with him. i want to hug and cuddle and i want him to pick me up and smoch me and i want to be cozy and domestic with him. i want to teach him about my ukulele and i want him to teach me about violin and i wanna hang out together. i wanna take him places i think he would like and places that are important to me. i want to make him clotted cream and i wanna make him a sweater. i wanna put on cute outfits just for him so he can be proud and say look!! thats my boyfriend!! he’s small and cute and i love him!!

i want compliments. and i wanna be cute for him. i wanna be small so he can pick me up and just do whatever the fuck he wants. i wanna dance with him, i would pay so fucking much just to dance with him alone. i want to listen to his music with him and tell stories and i want him to show me his collections and tell me about everything he’s interested in! and god i know ive said this but i wanna cuddle with him. its been so long. i just want to be close to him so he can hug me and take my hand and pick me up and smoch me and cuddle with me. its been so long since ive gotten any of that from a romantic partner. i feel like im losing my mind. i feel like im going through withdrawal. i hate this. i miss him so fucking much.

#vent #long post #maybe im one of those romance addicts #idk

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kaylainbloom · 8 years ago

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An IUD-- what to “expect”

So I am a 20 year old female who has never had children before and I wanted to get on birth control. I did a whole lot of research, went to various GYNs, and weighed my options. I get horrible cramps, like keep you in bed, sweating, light headed, blackout, throw up cramps. In 2016, for the first time ever, my cramps were getting better (but that might also be because I was pumping myself full of tylenol and aleve). I was sick and tired of taking medication that I knew we killing my liver and kidneys, I also wised up and realized a 20-year-old sexually active woman should be on birth control.

After my search for birth control, I realized that an IUD would be my best option. I know I’m forgetful so the pill was out, I also have problems with fibroadenomas and hormones, so anything with estrogen was out. My doctors and I came to the decision that an IUD was best for me. I just had to choose between Mirena, Paraguard or Skyla.

All IUDs are recommended for women who have had a child. as stated before I DO NOT.

Mirena is a small, flexible, T-shaped device that is implanted in the uterus. Mirena uses levonorgesterel– a progestin birth control hormone–and slowly releases a small amount into the uterus over time. Because it releases hormones directly into the uterus, it releases a lower level of hormones into the body than oral contraceptive pills. The IUD slows or stops the movement of the sperm and egg by changing cervical mucus, fallopian tubes and the uterine lining. It takes about 7 days for the hormonal IUD to start working, and it remains effective for 5 to 7 years. Mirena is known to lessen periods to the point that it could completely go away.

My other option was a Paraguard. Paragard is also a type of IUD but it is copper and does not have any hormones. It works because it cuts off sperms access to your eggs. Periods tend to worsen with a Paraguard IUD.

My last choice was Skyla. Like Mirena, Skyla releases progestin into the body. Unlike Mirena it is only good for 3 years. As with Mirena, you might experience some changes in your period, including having no period at all but unlike Mirena, some women experience increased menstrual bleeding and discomfort.

*all of the IUD come with side effects such as ovarian cysts, acne, or breast tenderness, or have abdominal or pelvic pain, allergic reaction and a depressed mood that I encourage you to look upon your own*

Because of my already pre-existing cramps, I decided to go with Mirena. As I stated before IUDs are recommended for women who have had a child, this is due to the fact that the device is implanted in the uterus. If you’ve never had a child before your cervix is pretty much completely shut, there are instances of doctors not being able to insert the IUD because they cannot get the cervix open which is an extremely painful process.

I searched the deeps corners of the internet at 2am the day before my procedure and found all these horror stories of terrible pain and cramping for months at a time (you can look these up on your own but I don’t recommend it). I almost backed out. I asked my friends about their experiences because I figured people only went on the internet to tell the horrible ones, and the anxious person I am I just had to know if the procedure and the recovery was as bad as everyone was saying. This is what they had to say:

“Lmao no lie it was shitty afterwards I was spotting like brown stuff for legit 2 months and was crampy, I lived on aleeve. But now? Bitch. Whos a period? I DONT know her. Cramps? Mood swings? Can’t relate. It’s not bad it hurts a little but it’ll be over really quickly” (mirena)

“The insertion was rough honestly, make sure you have a ride back cuz I thought I could walk back from the health center but I couldnt, it feels like intense period cramping. Then for a while afterwards your body goes through trying to reject it since its a foreign object in your body. So your first period after getting it is going to be terrible Im not gonna lie, i deadass thought I needed an ambulance lol and you're gonna spot on and off for a while until the IUD makes a home in your uterus. I wont lie its rough for the first few months until your body gets used to it so be prepared but honestly its the best thing I did. I got the paraguard so its hormone free. I was on birth control pills for so long and i really didnt react well to the hormones. When it comes to contraception I can 100% say the IUD is your best bet. 7-10 years baby free, you can get it taken out whenever you want. Although I will say, your partners may feel the strings that hang from the IUD from certain angels, but its a minor inconvenience compared to a baby LOL” (paraguard)

“so this is actually funny because I’ve unfortunately had nothing but problems since i’ve gotten the IUD. i first got it in December 2015 and i had the worst cramps of my life for a few weeks after and my period of super long lasting like 2-3 weeks. then i went for my 3 month check up and found out my body was rejecting the IUD so i got another put in and it just got worse. i started having ridiculously heavy periods and there were blood clots coming out. i thought i had uterine fibroids or cysts so i went to get an ultrasound and it turns out my body is rejecting the IUD again so i’m getting it removed monday because i’m just not eligible for it, unfortunately, i’m so upset about it because i really wanted it to work and i have friends that love it and have no complaints and it’s just so convenient cause you literally never worry about being pregnant”

“DONT WORRY! getting an IUD was literally the best decision i’ve made. Tthe forums will totally freak you out. and it’s definitely painful, but it just feels like a really bad period cramp that lasts like 30 seconds. i had cramps for at most two weeks after. and they weren’t constant just occasional. and i had like blood spotting for a little more than a month. of course it’s different for everyone! the forums scared me too but i personally feel it was worth it and i’ve had it for a little over 6 months now.”

Admittedly, even though there was some horror mixed in, this felt REAL. So I decided to go to my appointment. If you asked me now, id say it was a quick process, two sharp burst of pain then you’re done. Im on day 3 and I only had cramps for the first half an hour after but I took a tylenol-codiene leftover from a previous surgery before hand and Ive been taking aleve ever since. But when I got out of the procedure heres what I texted my boyfriend: That was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. So first they had to measure and dilate my cervix and apparently my cervix is small and short so when they opened it i like yelled cuz that shit hurt and that was the first pain and there was blood so she couldn’t see so it took longer then they went to put it in and before it was like cramping then it ended. But when they put this other thing idk what it was I think it was a way for them to slide the IUD in? That hurt so bad I screamed and tears came to my eyes. She said that should be the worst of it because putting in the IUD shouldn’t hurt more because everything was in place so if I could handle that I could handle the IUD. Then she put it in… I screamed and that shit felt like cramping mixed with a fucking knife and there was bleeding so they had to apply pressure and that shit hurt. So like once they were done it was like a dull constant pain. I laid there for a second and then i got dressed. After i got dressed i started shaking and sweating and i fell on the floor and they had to put me in the chair and took my blood pressure and it spiked. Apparently I went into shock. Im in the car rn the codeine finally kicked in but I’m still nauseous and shaky.”

I can’t remember pain, but I dealt with it, the whole procedure was less than 5 minutes and within a half an hour I was feeling better. My vagina was swollen that night but today its fine. I honestly think it was worth it. If the healing process goes well I’ll be ecstatic. Its only day 3 so I don’t want to get ahead of myself but everyone said that this would be the worst time, for me it feels fine. It might be because Im on pain killers but I didnt expect to be this good. I have little to no pain, some spotting but thats to be expected this first month. Im already happy with my decision and I will keep you updated (obviously much shorter lol) on how the healing process is going! Lemme know if y’all have any questions!

#mirena iud #iud #menstration #period #cramps #birth control

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