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sanjisblackasswife · 2 years ago

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(NSFW/SFW) Having FWB Relationship with Law

If you like to read the Monster Trio Version you can read it here!

A/N: Ngl this may not be as good as the first one but one comment asked so nicely for it :(((. Also this is SUPER LONG—

CW: Mentions of sex, more Angst than usual because Law has mf trust issues, Law is pushing back his true feelings for the reader it’s not an actual one sided love, Fluff, FWB to Lovers(?), and yeaaahhh

You fell for him, but it was his idea—well moreso you were already in love with him before the agreement even happened

It was something you knew was going to happen when you agreed to it seeing that Law wanted nothing to do with an actual relationship with you.

He’s been your captain for as long as you can remember, and through out your journey he has seen you go through heart break after heart break after heart break of terrible men that do nothing but use your kindness and some even your body without any regard of your feelings

How it started:

You only did this because your feelings for Law never subsided so you tried to fill yourself with anything to get your mind and heart away from him but alas it never worked

One night you both were working together in search of something—you were like an assistant to him—and during your break with him you both started to turn to the topic of relationships.

“So you’re ganna keep on giving these idiot men a chance, huh?”

“Gatta get laid somehow.”

You somewhat regretted your wording swing as Law frowned at your response. You didn’t have sex with any and everybody it was only about 2 dudes you ever gotten that far with your entire journey; one being a green haired swordman and the other being some pineapple haired guy. They both were sweet, but you knew the relationship you wanted wouldn’t last.

Law got tired of your complaining. It wasn’t long until you blurred out something you knew you couldn’t take back;

“Well maybe if my captain was the only one to satisfy my needs I wouldn’t be searching it from random pirates.”

It was a stupid, stupid, STUPID thing to say. You knew it. He knew it, but it was too late now. You couldn’t even blame it on the alcohol because Law cut you off after one cup.

“Is that right?” His tone was dark, you look over at him across the desk you were already sulking in and furrowed your brows. Law got up to take away the empty glass being twirled in your hands to sit on his desk beside you. His eyes never broke from yours and he had an unreadable face. He didn’t look mad, disgusted, or annoyed. Amused maybe?

“Look at me.” He noticed you breaking eye contact first, flustered still at your outburst and grabbed your chin. “You know if I ever got into a relationship with you—or anybody else for that matter I’d just end up breaking your heart. So us being a thing will never happen. It would be too much of a distraction.”

“…I know..” You groaned, his words stung so hard you just wanted to go back to your room with a bottle of Sake and drink until you forgot about this entire conversation.

“But…Just know I never said I didn’t find you attractive…and that we could still make something out of nothing.”

If you were in a cartoon your left ear where he was sitting beside would have enlarged itself 3 times the size. Did you hear him correctly?

You sat up straight and before you could ask him to repeat himself he was already invading your mouth. It wasn’t long until the research you both were doing was forgotten and you spent the rest of your night a moaning mess under your captain.

How it’s going

If you would have told yourself 7 months ago you’d be having almost daily sex with Law just to not have any strings attached you would have laughed hysterically , but here you were; laying under him, heavy breathing being exchanged, and then having to get up and leave before anybody on the ship seen you.

The sex was amazing, it really was, but you still felt empty even though he always filled you up .

After taking what you now feel like is the walk of shame to the bathroom and then to sleep you just think, why doesn’t he at least want to cuddle you afterwards? Maybe some reassurance you’ve done good? Hell even a Pat on the head, but all you get is a quick kiss after he pulls out and the veiw of his back as he rolls over to go right to sleep.

One night you wanted to stay, just once, he really worn you out since he has been so pent up dealing with the strawhats and barely seeing you anymore you just wanted a little affection. Just a Little. And you’ll be on your way.

His back was facing you again, you admired his tattoos, wanting to trace them over your fingers as he held you close telling you how good you were for him, how beautiful you looked….

How much he loved you—

“What are you Doing?” His voice was cold. He broke you out of your empty thoughts and you noticed your finger making contact with his damp back. “You still want more or something?”

“N-no! I…I Just um…” Law turned over to make eye contact with you resting his head on his hand gazing at your body partially covered by the thin blanket. “I wanted you to…to hol—-“

“You want to be held?” He almost sounded like he was scoffing, you couldn’t blame him. You weren’t very subtle hiding your feelings for him even after he talked to you throughly that you both would never get into a relationship. It broke your heart a little when you thought that one day these moments of intimacy May run it’s course, and it may be soon from the way you seen him get so close with that one beautiful black haired Strawhat girl lately.

“I—forget it I’ll go.” Law almost did. Almost. But he knew he couldn’t. For the last few months he felt a tinge of guilt because he knew how much you loved him. He thought that maybe if you spent more time with him, got to know the real him besides just with sex— knowing how much of a grump he was, how straightforward and blunt he could be, maybe you’d be turned off and move on.

But he was so wrong and he felt bad. He started to feel like he was misleading you. He didn’t want that. He really didn’t want any of this he didn’t know how to be a boyfriend, how to take care of your romantic needs, how to share, how to be someone you need.

He knew that. He knew he couldn’t be with you.

So why was it when he seen you talk to that green haired swordsman today he got so angry? Was it jealousy? He knows about your past with him and he also knows you’re a grown consenting adult with no strings attached so WHY did it bother him so much?

Law grabbed your wrist, you looked back at him with sorrow and a hint of shock in your face feeling his grip tighten.

“You can stay.”

It was only three words, but it was what you always wanted to hear from him.

It was what you needed to hear.

You crawled back into bed hesitantly and Law noticed so he pulled you in closer to his chest. You heard his heart and it was pounding as if he were running a marathon.

Holding you was new, you both were still naked and a tad sweaty, your breath tingled on his collarbone, but this is the first time in a while Law felt…

Comfort.

Your fluffy body was something he enjoyed holding. Maybe he could get used to it.

But he didn’t want to he knew he would just end up hurting you in the end if he furthered this and thinking that caused him to back up a little.

“You can sleep here tonight. You’re probablyly—-“

“Why can’t you love me, Law?”

He nearly choked on his own breath hearing the hurt in your voice. You sat back up looking defeated. You’d probably end up getting kicked out because of this, but you didn’t care you wanted answers.

“You…you knew I still had feelings for you and you..you still put me in a position to fall more in love with you and it hurts!”

You didn’t mean to holler at the end of your sentence, but it was all too much. You hated yourself for getting into this situation and you hated him for allowing it.

“You knew I would never say no to you, and for us to be doing this for so long and I try to respect you not wanting to be with me so you don’t hurt me, but you’re hurting me more by being away. I want you! Do you know how hard it is going day after day seeing the man that you are in love with not feel anything back but in the same day can lay down with you and just fuck you?! I’m so STUPID to even let it go this far and I’m sorry! Okay!? I’m sorry I can’t stop thinking about you and about us! Not if we keep this up—“

“Then let’s end this.”

At that point your heart was torn. It was a truth you didn’t want to hear, but it was bound to happen eventually. Your eye immediately trickled with tears, you wanted to slap him, seeing how quickly he was willing to let you go especially after pouring your heart out, but—

“Let’s start something new then….I want to…I been wanting to for the past 3 months…but y/n I—“ Law sat up straight hitting his head on the headboard groaning—he didn’t want to spill his heart out because he wasn’t great with sentimental words but it was either that or just let you walk out of his room and possibly out of his life because he couldn’t believe if you guys broke off your little agreement like this you would still want to be in the same crew anymore.

And he couldn’t lose another person he loved.

“I’m sorry you feel this way…and more importantly I’m sorry for not being more attentive to your feelings. I…Y/N i do care about you….okay—?”

“I just…—”

“I don’t want to disappoint you…I thought that maybe if you seen more of me and realized who I really were you’d back off but now I feel like either way it goes I will hurt—-“

You cut him off with a kiss—it was a bit harsher than he was used to with you, but he managed to return the kiss back and pulling you closer to let you straddle him. You didn’t care about his stupid assumptions you knew he’d kill for you So what makes you think he’d actually hurt you on accident or on purpose for that matter? You also knew about his trust issues so you were willing to work on it for the sake of your relationship.

“Break my heart then, Law…” you muttered under his lips to then find his eyes. “If that’s what it takes to show you that you’re worth loving…then do it…break my heart.” He let out a breathy chuckle.

“That doesn’t even make any sense, y/n.”

“None of this really does make sense but….” You pulled back to admire his tanned skin, covered with a red tint and pulled back some of his strands of hair. “I’m willing to work on it with you.”

It was moment of silence between you both. He couldn’t look away from your eyes shining in the night as the moon bounced off of it. Maybe it was the post sex high or maybe he was really in love but you looked breath taking at this point.

“…I am too, y/n.—”

“I love you.”

You damn near cried on him and he did too, you almost couldn’t believe it.

“Wait what—“

Law rolled his eyes playfully and scooted you so close your nose was touching his.

“I…” he kissed your lips softly slowly rolling you over on your back,

“Love..” He kissed your warm neck with his hands rubbing the sides of your hips so gently.

“You.” Law bit the other side of your neck where your weak spot was and granting him a sight of you moaning just above a whisper, you were pretty like this.

He went back to your lips to return a most steamy and passionate kiss with his tongue rubbing against yours until you eventually end it with you sucking the tip of his tongue.

Freaky asses

“I love you, too Law.”

Law knew he had more to work on about himself so you both agreed that no longer will there be any of the “no strings attached “ rule, but now you both can start off with talking it slow

With you being his.

#one piece smut #one piece headcanons #black reader #one piece #law x reader #law one piece #law smut #law x you #law headcanons #trafalgar law #trafalgar one piece #trafalgar d law x reader #one piece scenario #one piece x black!reader #one piece x female reader #one piece imagine #one piece angst #one piece fluff #one piece x reader

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honoredbastard · 3 years ago

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time & time again.

characters ᅳ the obeyme! brothers. gn y/n.

content ᅳ angst(?), waking up in this mfs arms, crying, swearing, a breakup!

note ᅳ this whole thing was inspired by this playlist. instead i made it belphie. i wouldn’t suggest reading this if you’re down. instead maybe listen to this if songs can help you relax! it’s super cute and i def relaxed listening to them. can’t tell if i love this or hate it.

it was raining in devildom, nothing surprising though. you and belphie were sharing an umbrella back to the home, hands intertwined until his grip loosened and stopped. it felt like a rock was stuck in his throat, trying its best to smother out his words. but, it all came to a crashing end when belphie looked into your eyes.”belphie?” you asked, head tilted and eyebrow cocked in confusion.

“y/n..” he started, slow, inching away from you each time his mouth moved until you were left in the rain. heart shattered and all over the place, you could only look down in pain. ‘at least the rain fit the fucking mood.’ you thought, a chuckle escaped before it hicced into sniffles.

before you knew it you were on the cobble stone crying, luckily every devil in devildom was sleeping so no one could hear you even if they tried. so you just cried out to your hearts content, the words “i’m breaking up with you” stabbed you in the heart and just sliced it open.

leaving you with something you could never fix again. he didn’t even say sorry, did he ever love me? you’d think at times, happy memories was all you could remember him by. it was like a constant remember he was no longer yours.

was he even yours to begin with?

no. he belonged in the vast world that exceeds your limits, he is a star while you’re the grass hopping to one day touch the sky. feel the star, watch as it dies. yet you are only grass that can grow only so tall till it’s cut down again.

you cursed at yourself, beating at your thighs as if he were the one you were punching. although you were just punishing yourself from the reality you’d once strayed from. hell you found yourself so stupid for believing for just a second that he could be yours.

but stars stay with other stars. you’re just a piece of grass visiting their constellation. it’ll end soon, it was the right thing to do. to break your heart quickly. you chuckled, wondering if any other of the stars were searching for you. if belphie even told the truth.

it didn’t really matter. you must’ve sat crying in one spot for hours, you were exhausted as your salty tears mixed with the numbing rain. you could feel yourself shiver but it felt like hell to try to get up. your knees were scrapped, eyes swollen and red, you must’ve been growing feverish.

“thanks for taking me home, asshole.”

“but i didn’t take you home?” a voice questioned, ah you must’ve been hallucinating now. the rain stopped, as if an umbrella hovered over your head. but it was a pitch black wing supporting you from the rain. red eyes filled with worry but with the secure feeling of ‘i won’t pry.’.

“ah. now i see, i’m hallucinating aren’t i? this big star protecting me from the rain after his youngest brother just dumped me. hysterical.”

lucifer twitched at your words, were you sick? how long have you been out here? questions that needed to be answered raced through his head. but first of all, belphegor DUMPED you? every other brother would KILL for you. BUT HE DUMPED YOU? ha- a funny joke until he saw what would be described as a pitiful apperance.

“y/n?” “yes hallucination lucifer?” “how long have you been out here?” another black wing wrapped around your body, scooching you closer to the man who was watching you with quiet bright crimson eyes. “for awhile.” you muttered, placing a hand on the feathers that felt oh so real.

as your fingers slid in between them lucifer tensed up before a shiver was sent down his spine. “can you please stop touching my wings?” he asked with a huff, almost grabbing you by the collar- but you were in a sensitive state. comfort seeking was normal. right? this was comforting to pet his wings? he didn’t know.. he wasn’t good at this.

“but they’re so nice and soft, warm too. hallucination lucifer you seem very real.” you chuckled to yourself before a small ouch followed - your body was beginning to ache and shut down from the drenched clothes you were wearing.

lucifer noticed this and decided to pick you up more gently - “i am real.” lucifer said in a matter-of-fact tone. well you were fucked, but for the time being, you liked being in this demon’s arms. they were much more warm and affectionate than the other. the star you’d sought after was slowly dying before another was glowing brightly beside it.

can you search after this one to? will you be able to reach this star? the thought was too overwhelming, so you just gripped at his suit. believing that you could hold this star, call it yours, and give it the most affection in the world? or will you learn the same mistake again?

you didn’t want to know, but at the same time you wanted to run after this never ending vast space called the universe. hold stars near and dear, close to your heart that you can call your bestfriends. but you already did, you’d just forgotten them in the heat of the moment.

the soft clack of lucifer’s heels muffled by the slight puddles of rain lulled you into space.

“Y/N!! LUCIFER’S PLAYING THE FACE GAME AGAIN! AND HE TOOK MY PHONE!” “hey, y/n, can we go get some poison cupcakes over at devilbakes?” “oh goldie! i’m so glad you’re back! Y/N COME SHOPPING WITH ME, WE MUST SPEND!” “oh y/n! great to see you, can you be the model for my next video. PLEAAAAASE?” “y/n, did you read the book i gave you?”

ah this was the chaos you loved until you saw a familiar pillow with a cow pattern. your throat closed and blood ran cold, belphegor- you awoke from whatever that was in an unfamiliar yet familiar room.

the decorations you’ve once seen before when something broke your room wall. it was all a hazy memory but you remember that was the first time you were aware of belphegor’s name. that you’d soon come to regret, but your attention was drawn back to strong arms that you recognized the scent of.

you tried to wiggle out of the lock he had on you (which was his arms. i’m sure he’s NOT letting you go anywhere. i promise you that), but that and your body were unforgiving and it already drained you with three simple movements.

“y/n?”

welp, you’re fucked?

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senpaiisimp · 4 years ago

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The Rain Isn’t So Bad

~Miya Osamu x reader~

A random boy comforting you? Maybe today..

Today was a bad bad day. You were meeting your boyfriend for lunch cause you finally got a break from studying for your stupid intense final exams. He used to be great, always considerate and sweet. Until recently he would get upset when you stayed late to finish work, it was even worse when you brought work home, he would always start drinking and yelling that you were a terrible s/o and that he deserves better. Yea his words hurt but he would always apologize the next day so you forgave him…. What a bad idea Y/N.

Here you were being considerate enough to leave your study group early while it was raining but to add a pile of crap onto the whole shabang. Your ‘’bf’’ just so happened to text you he wanted to break up while you were halfway to the place you were going to meet.(bastard probably did it on purpose) What a great way to take a break. So now here you are, sitting in the rain, crying your eyes out because if you go anywhere else right now you will have to deal with people asking you questions which you’d rather not answer today.

The gods seemed to sense your pain because just as you sat down it started to rain even harder, not like you care. A heartbreak is nice when it's raining, always hitting you, distracting from what’s actually hurting.. until it stops? Okay, you might be a lil hysterical because of the amount of water that was leaving your body but you know damn well rain doesn't just-

“Yer gonna catch a cold if ya stay out ‘ere.” A calm voice talks above you like a MF angel from the heavens. The rain stopping makes sense, there’s a kind stranger above you taking pity on your stupid problems. “I’m fine, I don't need your pity.” That was rude, well not like you care. You just want to wallow in self-pity, no one elses. “It wasn't pity, ’m bein serious, yer gonna catch a cold if ya sit in the rain like that.” He says with a stern voice. When you finally look up at this guy and you fucking freeze. “Damn he’s good looking.. Wait stop you just lost your bf, don’t need another pretty face breaking your heart so soon-” “ So are ya gonna get up or are we sittin ‘ere like ducks?” He interrupts your thoughts. Not fully registering his words, you start to think why he’s talking to you. Well you mostly likely look helpless and he probably thinks he's making you feel better by noticing you. Well maybe he is a little because he’s so pretty, but he won’t hear it from you. ” Do whatever you want. I said it before I don’t need pity from a stranger.” You proceed to look back down with hopes he’ll just leave even though the silent(loud ass) voice in your head is screaming STOP BEING RUDE TO THE SEXY MAN. With the thought annoying you, you don’t notice when he sits next to you.

“Miya Osamu, my brother calls me ‘Samu though so ya have options. Now if ya tell me yer name we won’t be strangers and maybe we can get out the rain before my umbrella sinks.” He says nonchalantly like he isn’t talking to a random person that was just crying in the rain. Slowly but surely you respond “L/N Y/N, I don’t have a nickname and... your accent’s funny.” Trying to irritate the man, but all it seems to do is make him laugh the most beautiful laugh you’ve ever heard. After his laughter starts to calm down he speaks again, “ So L/N or is better Y/N for you- what’s your opinion on Onigiri,honest answers only!” He asks with a hidden light in his eyes while waiting for the answer

“What kind of question is that Miya-san, Onigiri is great especially when people hand make it, nothing compares to handmade,warm onigiri with (favorite filling). Also Y/N is fine, I am my own person and don't need to be known by family name.” You say slowly smiling at the thought of the onigiri in question. You’ve always been a foodie, you love talking and eating food so much that you even want to go to school for it. Seeing the warm look you had just thinking about onigiri he knew he was getting somewhere with the stubborn rain person. “Well if you agree to not being strangers, I may or may not have some onigiri made at my house. I made it myself and could use another person's opinion.” He said while beginning to stand, holding his free hand out to you. So he's a chef and nice… damn now I feel bad for being mean but hey free food and a hot guy is better than being cold in the rain. You grab his hand and say,”That sounds nice Miya-san.” “Call me Osamu.”

The rain wasn’t as bad as it looked out to be.~

#osamu miya #miya osamu x reader #haikyuu!!#haikyuu fluff

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whatisgoingonpaul · 4 years ago

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Guess who put themselves though lost boys: the tribe. Last night and craves death? That’s right me.

Ohhhh to see without my eyes would be glorious. It is the most dated thing I’ve seen in my life and not in a good way. I cant even remember half the charecters and am having to look at the wiki if that tells you anything.

So no spoiler warning because - seriously do not watch it.

So dated-

As a 2000s kid, early 2000s movies are not something I look back at fondly as ‘adult’ movies at that time is mainly party’s , big tittie , curse and crude humor. This movie so desperately wanted to get in the cool kids club aka Rated R so they said fuck 13 times in the opening scene alone. Also dated by the really really shitty editing, and the “OH DUDE WE CAN USE LIKE DIGITAL EFFECTS WHAT UPPP” and shakey camera work. Also half the people are dressed like the worst end of the 90s/ early 2000s with the spike hair and fuck boy attitude. Movies from the 80s in my mind, yea they are dated but if they don’t rely heavily on references, tech , or common practice at the time it doesn’t come across as dated.

Takes the basic aspects but makes them bad-

So they try to imitate like small basic things from the first movie which we take shots of the town.... which is a run down sushi place and some chubby kids and emos that’s your “strange” people guys. Also the main vampire takes a lot of David bullshit and they whoop occasionally because “that’s what the other guys did.” Edgar also rehashes a lot of what we know. Also there is a sex scene to cry little sister because “THEY HAD IT IN THE FIRST MOVIE TAKE PEOPLE SWEATING.” Except they could not afford to use the og song and it’s a cover that sounds... like something else again I get whiplash to the early 2000s please end me. There is also more shots of the ocean and random cuts then substance in the movie

Charecters-

Ohhhhh how forgettable. How forgettable. I had to look up the main charecters names. So everyone’s like a good mid 20s or they at least look like their slowly trucking along to being 30 that’s another thing about early 2000s movie “please believe this grown ass man is a teen.” Like the og movie, the actors were in their early 20s for the boys but you would still believe they were actually teens; there’s a age where you can still play a teen for a while. I say this as they are clearly all adults and yet nichole is a 17 year old GIRL! Who they have drink and seduce one charecter before genuinely having sex with another. 17. So our main characters are Chris(??) and Nichole EMERSON. Do they ever explain their parents or relationship to the name? NOPE. I implied maybe star and Micheal but they both look WAY to old to be their kids at least Chris unless he’s supposed to be like 19 even then I will laugh in your face. So Evan creepy desperate emo here to die except he almost does twice but he lives.... yay. Shane and his Tribe( I said it I said the thing!) also did I mention.... they aren’t bikers.... there surfers! (Who have bikes later in the film...) so in the opening scene he’s “Some jackass from Santa Carla” is this ever explained in the movie? No. If you read rein of the frogs like I had HE WAS A SURF NAZI WHO SURVIVED(well... in a way)It’s a shame because he was one of the few charecters I enjoyed.... and was kinda really cute. Long hair , bit of a beard, scruffy looking(I have a type ok-) so if you didn’t read the comic he doesn’t really get any explaination or reason but apparently he used to be a surfer , one of the best before he dodged. Ok? Apparently Emerson was to, ok? The others don’t really get much past the one being called a adrenaline junkie like he is. I like the crazy motherfucker. Something else I found absolutely hysterical is that the two main others are obessed with their cameras always filming mainly women and their game. Their game? To literally shank each other and jump around and laugh and record them gushing blood, a particular favorite scene of mine is at the party the tall black one, Erik??? I think stabs the best buddy and twists, this mf literally- his intensines fall out and his other organs “DUDE WHAT THE FUCK I WAS GONNA GET LAID DONT FILM ME-.” He picks them up off the ground and walks inside so nonshalantly- girls are screaming and panicking and the other two are laughing their asses off. Did I mention these vampires, young vampires at that as even Shane is like maybe only in his 40s/30s but looks a young 20, throw ragers? Because it’s 2008 babyyyy. Nicole is the usual “I want to see my hair flow in the wind and talk romantically about death.” Aka what Dracula Adaptations do to Lucy westenra to make her major vampire bait, and naturally Shane took it. The best charecter is probably Edgar as he was constistantly halarious though out the whole film until he started quipping. There was also a mid credit scene with SAM FUCKING EMERSON PLAID BY COREY I SHIT YOU NOT. He’s a vampire. Why? Something happened between them and it has to do with Alan to. This I need explained to me right fucking now. Oh wait no the best charecter is the guy dressed up as the oiled up sax player.

Vampire inconsistency-

So new info;

-doesn’t spesifically have to be a stake or wooden just in the heart.

Inconsistent-

Apparently garlic does work now boys, despite the fact that it was very clearly stated by Paul in the first film that it wouldn’t (Edgar was there for that you think he’d remember-) however Garlic bolo took my soul.

There’s inconsistency in how vampires look in this film alone contradicts itself. Like. So lost boys established the basics

Yellow eyes, long nails, fangs, bad breath , the face bone shift.

This one has a cheap supernatural lookin’ ass black eye effect and some fangs. Except when they don’t and it’s yellow eyes and fangs also with no facial effect except no it’s full facial makeup with black eyes and veins. Except no it’s full facial prosthetic more like the first film but with veins , black eyes , Dracula slit nose and SHARK TEETH(it really is like super natural vampires JFC.) like there is 4 different ways they look in this movie alone wtf. Also Shane, a full vampire; the head, can go outside at sundown/twilight if he has sunglasses. Good to know.

WHAT IS THISSSSS LMFAOOOOO

Also where does this movie even take place? As it is Damn well not Santa Carla and they make sure you know that.

Also we end on a “kids are doing drugs aren’t you” haha aunt so stupid joke. LAUGH.

Again seriously sams a vampire. Not explained but illuded to, Presumably edgars fault. Considering he is a grown ass man as well it was likely recent, probably tragic. You would think Sam would be just as angsty as his bro but no he’s all dark and angry and again did I mention it’s the ACTUAL FUCKING ACTOR?

#the lost boys #lost boys #tlb #lost boys the tribe #Emerson’s #Edgar frog #please come kill me #Shane powers #seriously don’t watch this #save yourself #save me I’m going to watch the thirst tonight

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japanessie · 5 years ago

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MY FIRST STORY on Hey! Hey! NEO! with Downtown 30 Sept 2019

MFS was so excited over this one. Must be an honour to be invited to be a guest for these famous comedians, eh?

Disclaimer: I did this with a lot of help from FujiTV onscreen captions and Google speech capture technology wherever possible. My ears can’t do this 100% on their own LOL. Not to mention listening to this a countless number of times! Hundreds! I also rephrased things liberally here and there. The photo collages only serve as a summary. Surely a lot of things were misheard too. Sorry for all the mistakes and fails 🙈 . Here, I picked some parts of the lively conversation and left out the rest that I’m so hopeless at. Words in italic or bracket are my own addition. I also selected some Japanese words to remember and left out the ones I’m not ready for. Sorry it makes things look messy.

A bit of background…..

DOWNTOWN is a popular Japanese comedy duo from Hyogo consisting of members Hitoshi Matsumoto and Masatoshi Hamada. So, this means, they use a lot of Kansai-ben. I can’t even pass standard Japanese, let alone Kansai dialect LOL.

MY FIRST STORY held a lottery for Fan Club members to attend the recording at FUJI TV, Odaiba City on 23 Sept 2019. I didn’t apply because I knew I would not be able to understand things on the spot. Not to mention I had no money to go anyway 😂. Congrats to those who got picked to go!

——————————————

MFS the “handsome"band?

Hitoshi Matsumoto: You guys are kinda like "Visual Kei”.

Hiro: (surprised) Really??

Hitoshi Matsumoto: Very handsome*.

* Not sure if he mentioned someone’s name or what with it.

Masatoshi Hamada: EH? (…looking at Hiro’s face…)

Everyone: (laughs)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: But I’m sorry ok (…putting his hand on Nob…), you are the least popular, I understand that*.

* Oh my God, that’s brutal (but I’m still laughing). Sorry Nob.

Everyone: (laughs hysterically) Nob: (smiles and nods*)

* Aww…. Nob is so gentle & accepting. It’s not like he’s ugly though. Far from it. Especially if you’ve seen him in person. But it’s hard not to look super “unpretty” when sitting next to pretty boys like Hiro, Teru and Kid'z.

Masatoshi Hamada: But first, they debuted seven years ago.

Hitoshi Matsumoto: Since we know nothing about it, were you guys already this good-looking from the band’s formation time?

MFS members: (… err… how to answer this one?…)

Hiro: (…awkwardly..) I guess so. Maybe.

Masatoshi Hamada: Any huge place you guys want to perform in*?

* Actually I’m not really sure what he said. Just guessing ….haha.

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (putting his hand on Nob again) Any problem with him*?

* Kinda like any problem with having a not-so-handsome guy in a band of handsome guys? OMG, brutal LOL

Everyone: (laughs)

Nob: (..somewhat startled…. what, me?)

Hiro: (raises his hand and laughs) No, no. We’re not that kind of band. He’s fine.

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (nudging Nob) Don’t take it to heart, eh? Don’t take it to heart *.

* Not sure if that’s what he meant. Just guessing … huhu.

Everyone: (laughs)

——————————————

Hiro is such a chatterbox, they think he should just enter a grand competition

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (to Hiro) You’re such a talker*! (pretending to look annoyed) Are you going on R-1 Grand Prix or what!

* 喋り達者 / shaberitachisha (?) / master talker, chatterbox

Everybody: (laughs)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: I can’t even talk at all (when Hiro talks)!

Hiro: (laughs) No, no! I’m not going on R-1!

*R-1 Grand Prix is a popular competition where entertainers compete with each other making jokes or whatever funny things to win the title of champion.

* LOL Do you think Hiro talks too much?

——————————————

The Downtown guys know Hiro’s parents very well and are particularly good friends with Mama Mori

Masatoshi Hamada & Hitoshi Matsumoto: (bowing to Hiro in respect to Mama Mori) Send our regards to your mother.

Hiro: (bowing back) Thank you.

* Mama Mori did background narration for the comedy duo for many many years.

Hitoshi Matsumoto: I’ve been to your father’s concerts too.

Hiro: Ah, thank you so much (bowing to Matsumoto-san)

* Sorry, I don’t really understand everything else 😕. Matsumoto-san also mimicked Papa Mori’s onstage self-introduction but I couldn’t capture what was the joke… huhu 🙈.

——————————————

MFS team’s penchant for pranks & Nob’s heart of gold

Masatoshi Hamada: You guys like pranks very much, don’t you?

Hiro: We are mischievous with each other, either with the members or the staff. We do some light-hearted* “hidden camera” thingy. Playful**. Playing stuff on each other (laughs)

* 軽い / かるい / karui / light

* *遊び心 / あそびごころ / asobigokoro / playful

Masatoshi Hamada: (pointing at Kid'z and Nob) It was labour intensive* on you two.

* 骨 / ほね / hone / labourous

* 粗大な / そだいな / sodaina / grand

Kid'z & Nob: (smiling & nodding together)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: Well, keep telling. About the after party and all.

Masatoshi Hamada: You did that in Taiwan!

Everyone: (watching clips of Kid'z and Nob being pranked)

* ネタバラシ / netabarashi / spoiler

Masatoshi Hamada: (patting Nob) That’s horrible, ne~? Did you feel it was really serious, that being overseas?

Nob: Well, I didn’t know a word (of Chinese). So, I was like, “Could I have brought this powder with me or what?” (gesturing being shown a packet of powder with his hands).

* 粉 / kona / powder

Everyone: (laughs)

* Both Matsumoto-san and Hamada-san couldn’t believe what they heard.

Masatoshi Hamada: (walking up to Nob and tapping his body)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (reaching for Nob too & repeatedly slamming his hand up & down) Then you (should) just clearly* DENY** it!

* 明確 / めいかく / meikaku / clear, firm, solid, assure, precise

** 否定する / hitei suru / deny

Nob: (looking blurred & clueless)

Everyone: (laughs)

Hiro: (astonished at how goody-two-shoes Nob can be) You don’t say, “Could this be my powder?” in that situation!! You didn’t bring that, right?!

Everyone: (laughs)

Hiro: In order to do that hidden camera prank, we firstly had to go on a special* trip to Taiwan. Then we had to add one Live performance to it too.

＊わざわざ / waza waza / specially, doing something specially rather than incidentally

Hitoshi Matsumoto: So, you did not do that onwards from that Taiwan live show?

Hiro: Yup, it was the other way round.

Audience: Eh??!!

Masatoshi Hamada: (referring to the clip) That (felt like) half a year…

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (…looking at Nob…) Dang! THAT entire time you were getting nothing BUT scolded* (by those actors?)?

* 恨まれる / uramareru / get scolded, get cursed ~ from the word 恨む / uramu

Everyone: (laughs)

Nob: (smiling and shaking his head)

* OMG, Nob is unbelievably nice! He’s not bitter at all.

Hitoshi Matsumoto: You’re the stuff for Wednesday’s Downtown*! (laughs)

* Wednesday’s Downtown is their famous comedy show.

——————————————

Why Teru was never picked for pranks?

Masatoshi Hamada: (puts hand on Teru) You are the only one who has never been pranked?

Teru: Yes, that’s right. I don’t know, (…looking at Hiro….) do you hate* me or something?

* Aww 😍…. so all this time, Teru actually feels being left out by Hiro 😮? He was like, Hiro, why you never want to pick me 😕?

嫌わる / kirawareru / be hated ~ from the word 嫌う / kirau / hate, dislike

Hiro: No, no! The thing is, if it’s him (….pointing at Teru…), it wouldn’t be as funny.

Everyone: (laughs)

Masatoshi Hamada: How is that?

Hiro: He’s like (…still pointing at Teru …), whatever that’s happening*, he is unperturbed most of the time **.

* 起きる / おきる / okiru / get up, rise, occur, takes place

** 動じる / どうじる / doujiru / move, shift, motion

Teru: (laughs)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: Aah you know, my eyes can see around and filter out for certain* who’s funny and who’s not.

* 確かに / tashikani / certainly, surely

Note: I only guessed the rest of his sentence LOL

Everyone: Ok (…. anticipating Matsumoto-san’s verdict….)

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (…looking at Teru “scanning” him with a very serious face…) This one so totally NOT funny.

Teru: (…covers his face in embarrassment…)

* Spot on 😄! Teru oh Teru. When he tries to be funny, he just becomes corny & awkward instead. Strangely, when he’s not trying to be, that’s when he’s accidentally downright hilarious 😂

Everyone: (laughs)

Hiro: You may stop it right there * (laughs).

* Haha, so, it basically just stops there with Teru. Pranks may not work well on him because of his non-reaction to abnormal situations 😄. But a true bromance story 😍. Hiro spared you all these times because he knew your character so well, Teru 🤗❤️💕.

* Aww... Teru was so embarrassed to be branded unfunny 😄.

——————————————

I don’t fully understand the joke where they asked Teru if he had some prank ideas on Hiro 🙈😭

*Disclaimer: Below is my best guess.

Masatoshi Hamada: (putting hand on Teru) How about your own?

Hiro: (realizing Hamada-san’s intention) For me?

Teru: (scratching his head) Hmm

Audience: Aaahhh!!

Hitoshi Matsumoto: (to Kid’z & Nob) Do you have something good for (prank) ideas?

Teru: (pointing to Kid’z, Nob & himself) The three of us are setting it up*. (nodding)**

* 仕掛ける / shikakeru / set up

** Does that mean “Yes, we’re thinking of pranking Hiro” 😍 ?

Hiro: (wide-eyed & taken aback by Teru’s answer) Holy cow! !

Masatoshi Hamada: Ah, good (….making a hand gesture as if putting something into something else….)*

* Don’t know the words he said here. Sorry 🙈.

Hiro: That’s not even a hidden camera thing!

Everyone: (laughs)

Masatoshi Hamada: You 3 guys can (shackle) him down and ….

Hiro: (looking at Hamada-san) That’s not even…!

Nob: (pretending to …hmm…. pour water onto something?)

Hiro: Normally I would already be complaining*!

* 訴えます / uttaemasu / complain

Hitoshi Matsumoto: Maybe make it like Masako-chan’s* hair or something (gesturing 2 pointy things on his head).

* If Matsumoto-san meant Masako-chan as Mama Mori, then I guess he was saying to tie Hiro’s hair into two girly piggy tails like his mother likes to do during her comedy skits as まーちゃん (Maa-chan).

Everyone: (hysterically laughs)

Hiro: (waving his hand & shaking his head) Ehh! How are you even going to get close to doing that?!!*

* Lets’s take Matsumoto-san’s suggestion LOL 😂 😂 😂

* Hiroki, you cunning little one! You’re so NOT wiggling your way out of this LOL

——————————————

How was that, my fellow MFS fans? I hope the rough idea is there even if I couldn’t get the thing 100% right.

Help and corrections are very much welcomed. Hehe!

Would love to hear your feedback about this talk. Do you think MFS is visually pleasing to the eye? Does Hiro talk too much? Do you feel Teru has no funny bones? Do you want to see Hiro getting pranked?

Oh wow! To me, I can see why DOWNTOWN is such a popular comedy team in Japan. They truly are hilarious! Thank you Matsumoto-san & Hamada-san.

#my first story #maifasu #teruki nishizawa #hiroki moriuchi #nobuaki katou #japanese comedy #kid'z didn't say a word

74 notes · View notes

heesgf · 6 years ago

Text

basketball player! byounggon

in honour of my baby’s birthday, here’s a cute + lighthearted basketball player! gon fic that i’ve been dreaming abt for eternity :’)) as per usual, the beginning is a little slow, but it’s worth ur patience, i promise💞😚

warnings: vvvv sweet (might give u cavities), BASKETBALL PLAYER GON BEING THE HOTTEST MF ALIVE, hyunsuk bff tomfoolery (what’s new lmao)

in which Lee Byounggon is basketball team captain, and you’re suddenly a sports fanatic.

Had Choi Hyunsuk seemed a little less desperate, perhaps you wouldn’t have found yourself in a crowded gymnasium, pressed against rampant bodies, and subject to the shrieks of devoted sport fanatics.

This morning, like any other, had started quite mundanely. You were perched against the headboard of your dorm’s single bed, doodling carelessly onto sheets of chemistry homework, while Hyunsuk mused a brightly coloured fedora in front of your full length mirror.

“Listen,” You shouted across the room, in between bites of your buttered croissant. “I invited you over to study, not to commit fashion atrocities in my dorm room.”

Hyunsuk, still balancing the horrendous garment over his head, shot you a pained expression, and rolled his eyes in distaste. He waves his hand vaguely in your direction and grimaces.

“Says the girl wearing a shirt that says ‘caffeine queen’.”

“Hey, you asshole, my mom got me this! I think it’s cute.” You cross your arms over your chest and narrow your eyes, while Hyunsuk shakes his head deliriously. He eyes you up and down once more, and then scrunches his nose.

“Sure, Jan.” He says slowly, and you contemplate throwing the pillow wedged behind your back toward his head. You opt against it, but the look on your face might be just as scary.

You stick your tongue out. “No one says memes out loud like that, you doofus!”

He spares you a lopsided shrug and giggles, then he breaks out into a smile and looks toward you once more.

“You’re coming to the game later, right?” He starts suddenly, and you bite your lip.

“I don’t know, Suk. I’m trying to stay focused on chem and stuff.”

Hyunsuk launches toward your spot on the bed, and reaches his hand out toward one of your stray sheets of paper, filled to the brim with miscellaneous stick figures and, in Hyunsuk’s opinion, the worst cartoon images of a corgi he’s ever seen.

“Yeah.” He baits, swinging the paper in front your wandering eyes. “You really look like you’re invested in learning.”

“Shut up!” You mumble out in a laugh, and then you roll your eyes. Hyunsuk still waits for an answer, and you purse your lips.

“I’ll think about it. Maybe, okay?”

Hyunsuk’s nod seems uncharacteristically tame, but there’s something about the devious look in his eyes that makes you think this conversation is far from over. When you come out of the bathroom a few minutes later, and his iron grips closes itself around your wrist, you find yourself yanked out of your room, into the hall, and most likely toward the gymnasium. In that moment, you think Choi Hyunsuk might be the worst person you’ve ever met, and the next couple hours, spent watching a college basketball game, were going to be completely unbearable.

***

Two minutes into sitting on painfully cold bleachers, having popcorn spilled over your lap, and your cheek elbowed by the rowdy couple next to you, you think you might be having a basketball induced aneurysm.

Hyunsuk is seated calmly next to you, and staring serenely into the crowd; every once in a while, he waves to someone you can’t recognize, most likely one of his teammates, and he looks back at you with a reassuring smile.

“Why are we here if you’re not even playing?” You groan, sliding your head onto his shoulder, and shutting your eyes tightly in discomfort.

“I told you, [Y/N].” He sighs into the crown of your head. “I have dance practice later. I gotta keep my calves limber. We’re here for the sportsmanship.”

You playfully roll your eyes and feign a barfing motion. Hyunsuk pushes your head away from his shoulder and pouts.

“I don’t even know what that means and I’m still disgusted.” You retort. “Besides... what do you know about sportsmanship? Literally every time we play Mario Kart I catch you cheating.”

Hyunsuk starts talking about how ‘you’re in great need of a chill pill’, and though you fight the urge to slap him silly, you instead find yourself staring intently at the court, eyes glazing over the lines of male athletes running drills across the gymnasium floor. As you watch, you notice the beads of sweat, the graceful strides, the cohesive movement, and as you watch, your eyes seem to close in on a particular someone—and suddenly, Hyunsuk’s words feel like they are worlds away.

The boy is standing in the centre of the court with his hands pressed against his knees, and his eyes trailing sporadically across the room.

His jersey, like all his teammates, is a blinding crimson, and against his honey sodden skin, a seemingly perfect contrast. His hair, slightly damp, is a disarrayed and glossy black, but something about the way it presses against his forehead, frays upward on the sides, sways lucidly when he runs, is wildly cinematic, and you think it just might consume you, like your favourite movie. On his back, there is the stark white outline of the number nine, and on the bottom, in between crinkled fabric, you think you can make out the name ‘Lee’. He’s waving his arms at a teammate, shouting something incoherent, and when the ball makes contact with his hands, his lips break out into the purest of smiles; it radiates an energy that is lively, almost impossible to miss, and completely intoxicating, even at your distance in the stands.

When that smile transforms into the shell of laughter, there’s something about the crowd’s cheering that suddenly feels rhythmic.

“Hey.” You whisper, poking into Hyunsuk’s rib cage. “Who’s that guy over there?”

Hyunsuk squints at your bewildered expression, and then looks onto the crowd, following the path of your eyes.

“Who? The guy in the hat? That’s coach Yang. God, I hate that guy. He’s always on my ass about making it to practice. And if you think my fashion is bad, Jesus Christ, you should see him at Sunday morning practice; crocs and socks all da-,”

“No, not him, you idiot.” You shake your head erratically. “T-the guy in the middle, look, he has the ball right now.”

“Oh.” He shrugs. “Well that’s Byounggon.”

“Byounggon.” You repeat. And then your bottom lips find it’s way between your teeth. Hyunsuk sits back against his seat, and focuses in on the game once more. And you, well you’re enamored by the rapid movements of a lanky boy with a smile that’s strikingly tender.

Byounggon.

You think maybe basketball isn’t so bad after all.

***

When Byounggon’s team wins the game, Hyunsuk tackles you in a tight side hug that feels almost violent. He is jumping up in his seat, screaming toward his teammates, and coincidentally, dragging your body with him. When he finally pulls away, and you can catch a string of fresh air, you ponder the appropriate time to start asking questions. You’re trailing down the bleacher steps when your voice finally breaks out, and your eyes are glued to the floor.

“So... when is your next game?” You ask nonchalantly.

Hyunsuk looks at you once in confusion. Then he makes a double take. And then a triple.

“Did you just say what I think you said?” Then he waves his hands in front of his eyes and shakes his head furiously. “Nah, I must be dreaming.”

“I’m serious!” You laugh. “I wanna watch your next game. I genuinely had fun!”

Hyunsuk still looks weary, but he nods his head halfheartedly. When you think he’s stopped looking at you, you turn your attention back to Byounggon, who is currently standing in a crowd of his teammates, and giving high fives all around. You’re distracted by the way his eyes crinkle when you hear Hyunsuk emit an amused ‘huh’, and when he points a sly finger in your direction, you know he’s put two and two together.

“I see what’s going on here.” He whispers excitedly. “You have a thing for Byounggon!”

“What? No I don’t! I don’t even know him!”

“Oh really?” He teases. “Then stop drooling over him like an animal.”

“Suk, y-you’re being ridiculous right now.”

“And would you look at that!” He whistles. The mischievous glint in his eyes makes you nauseous. “Looks like he’s coming over here, right now.”

“Hyunsuk, don’t you fucking dare. I’m serious.”

“Hey Byounggon!”

“Ohmygod.” You whine, smacking a palm to your forehead as your heart overcomes itself with panic. “I hate you. I genuinely hate you.”

Hyunsuk rolls his eyes, and then erupts in a laugh that makes the pits of your stomach twist.

“Trust me, [Y/N]. You’re gonna love me after this.”

You think that’s highly improbable.

***

Byounggon is more illusive when he stands in front of you.

Now, jogging toward Hyunsuk, tufts of raven coloured frame the cusp of his forehead, and the slight peak of his neck; his eyes narrow, but it’s far from hostile, and rather, a tinge of warm familiarity.

“Hey, you came!” Byounggon remarks, pulling Hyunsuk into a tight hug, and you realize his voice is gruffer than you would've thought.

“You guys were awesome, dude!” Hyunsuk gushes with a smile, and then he looks towards you, and gestures a hand in your direction. “This is my friend, [Y/N].”

Byounggon’s eyes shift to meet yours. He lifts his head in your direction, and waves his hand with a shy smile.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” You respond awkwardly, raising a hand to match his stance.

He raises a brow and grins. “Did you like the game?”

“Yeah! Yeah, you guys were all really good. I loved it!”

“Really?” He breathes out in a giggle. “Because when I was sitting on the bench I could’ve sworn I saw you sleeping?”

Hyunsuk breaks into a hysteric fit of laughs, and you shake your head rampantly, hoping the scarlet tinge of your cheeks doesn’t give you away. There was some truth to what he said; of course, when Byounggon wasn’t playing, the court seemed a little less compelling...

“Me?” You exasperate, face still flushed. “N-no, I would never!”

“Oh yeah, dude, she totally was. In the third quarter, she was knocked out! Almost drooled.”

You shoot Hyunsuk a glare, but he’s too caught up in his own laughter to notice; Byounggon throws his head back in a soft chuckle, then he looks back at you and shakes his head.

“Nah, I’m just messing with you.” He smooths over. “I’m glad you guys liked the game.”

His smile, like that smile on the court, is wide and contagious. And though you’re immersed in the plans of Hyunsuk’s murder, you can feel the corners of your lips drift upward, and the soft glimmer of a smile take over. When you hear someone shout Byounggon’s name across the gymnasium floor, you’re not sure if it’s the voice of one of his teammates, or the soft call of your heart.

Byounggon looks back at the sound and smiles apologetically. “That’s me. I’ll see you guys later?”

Before he leaves, Hyunsuk pulls Byounggon in for another hug, and you offer an awkward wave. You watch as he drifts away from you, and toward Yang Hyunsuk, who you know knew was his coach.

Damn. His style really was awful.

“See, now that wasn’t so bad, right?” Hyunsuk’s voice breaks you away from your train of thought, and on instinct, you smack him across the chest.

“Ouch! What the fuck was that for?” He groans, running his hand over the tender spot; you roll your eyes and trot forward, Hyunsuk trails behind you.

“That,” You shout. “—is for being the world’s WORST wing-man!”

“[Y/N]... You don’t mean that.”

You meant that.

***

A few days later, and you’re sitting in the campus library, buried in Calculus homework. If you were being completely honest, the past few days had consisted a little too much of ‘finding Lee Byounggon’s Instagram and Facebook’ and not enough ‘finding the derivative of f’(a)’. You may not have been prepared for your upcoming midterm, but you were, however, well informed on the kind of memes Lee Byounggon liked to use on Facebook circa 2011; knowing that Byounggon was an avid watcher of Naruto made him somewhat less intimidating in real life.

You’re still working through your Calculus workbook when the silhouette of a particular someone looms over the table, and when you look up, he’s flashing that smile that gives stars a run for their money; you think maybe his shadow made the room a little brighter.

“Hey! Whatcha’ doing?” His voice rings, and you remove a headphone from your ear.

Byounggon is wearing a sleek black crewneck and light grey sweatpants that hang low on his waist. His hair, unlike at the game, is neatly tussled, but it still has that vibrant sheen. He’s standing at the end of the table, and looking at you curiously; at his side, he holds a black drawstring bag.

“Calculus.” You groan, and his face twists to match yours. “What about you?”

He shrugs. “On my way to practice.”

“Through the library?”

He laughs. “It’s a shortcut.” Then he pauses, and continues. “By the way, if you like watching us play, you should come to our game this weekend.”

“Yeah, I might! I like watching you guys play, it’s kinda... surprising?”

Byounggon scrunches his eyebrows together and tilts his head inquisitively. His gaze, at the moment, is soft and gentle; and you wonder just how much that gaze would change if you told him basketball was anything but stimulating, and it was instead the smooth curve of his lips that had kept you on the edge of your seat. But of course, you knew you couldn’t tell him that.

“Oh yeah? How so?”

Your face twists into a sideways smirk, and you think you should have a little fun. “I guess I just thought basketball players had to be tall?”

“Wow, wow, wow. I’m tall.” He argues. “Very tall.”

Now, you lean back in your chair, and size him up and down; then you shake your head and grimace.

“Mmmm...I don’t know about that.”

Byounggon straightens his back, and at the same time, puffs out his chest. He gestures up and down, and stares at you wide eyed.

“I’m 180cm tall.” He reassures. “I measure myself everyday!”

You tilt your head. “A little obsessive, don’t you think?”

His face, while tight, breaks out into a wholesome laugh, and he bites his lower lip.

“You still don’t believe me, do you?”

“Aren’t you gonna be late for practice?”

For a moment, Byounggon sticks his tongue of his mouth and smiles. Then he bites the inside of cheek and shakes his head at you, wagging his finger disapprovingly.

“This isn’t over.” He ventures, flashing you that smile once more. And when he walks away from your table, looking over his shoulder every so often to make eye contact, you find yourself overwhelmed with fluttering emotion.

“I’m tall!” Byounggon shouts one last time into the silent library, and various heads, all buried in books, lift to stare at the both of you. You glare at him, but the smirk that tinges on your lips tells a different story.

You’re still staring at the library’s double door entry when Lee Byounggon leaves.

***

Somehow, it’s a Thursday evening and you find yourself sitting in the bleachers of Byounggon’s basketball practice, rather than going to the gym like you had promised yourself.

Byounggon is jogging across the gymnasium floor and running drills; he is clad in a large grey hoodie and fitted black track pants. At the end of practice, he talks with his coach, and his eyes twinge in confusion when he sees you in the stands. He grabs his bag, and while everyone trails out of the gym, he jogs toward you.

“Hey! Have you been here the whole time?” He breathes, running a hand through his dampened hair.

“No, no, I just got here a couple minutes ago. Hyunsuk kept asking me to watch him practice so... here I am!”

Byounggon bites his lips, and his eyes narrow, like he’s had a realization. His lips stretch into a smirk.

“But.” He ponders. “Hyunsuk wasn’t at practice today.”

Your throat grows tight. “Oh.”

His smile widens, and your face flushes a deep and transparent red.

“That is... so weird!” You exclaim dramatically, but Byounggon can hear the panic in your voice, and he’s giggling. You hope he can’t see the red of your cheeks underneath the gymnasium’s orange lighting, too.

“I-I should probably get going.”

You turn your body toward the gym’s exit, and as your footsteps get heavier and heavier, you feel Byounggon’s fingers clasp onto your shoulder.

“Wait, [Y/N]! I wanted to ask you... do you wanna maybe, uh, get some ice cream?”

“Yeah.” You beam. “Yeah, I’d like that a lot.”

***

With some persuasion, Byounggon leads you into the boy’s change room. He sits on one of the wooden benches, in front of the row of lockers, and he fiddles with the hem of his sweatshirt.

“Just give me a second, I’m gonna change out of this, and then we can get going.”

Then suddenly, without warning, he takes his sweatshirt off, and you, are left winded at the sight of a shirtless Lee Byounggon.

Before you can marvel at the way his muscles tightly outline his abdomen, you slap the palms of your hand over your eyes, and scream.

“Jesus, can you give me a warning before you take your shirt off like that?” You groan, eyes still shut tightly through the protection of your fingers. Byounggon, now shrugging a fresh black t-shirt over his shoulders, chuckles deeply into the empty locker room, and the heavenly sound bounces off the walls. You know he’s coming closer because you can hear the sound of his footsteps, and your warm cheeks seem to fire up again. He outstretches a hand onto the crown of your head and ruffles your hair.

“You’re cute.” He says affectionately, and you suddenly think your hands would be better suited if they covered your cheeks, and not your eyes.

***

“I am not letting you buy butter pecan that’s disgusting.”

“What’s wrong with butter pecan? It’s like... sweet and savory.”

“Ohmygod, I’m gonna barf.”

Byounggon sits back onto his chair and shoves another spoonful of butter pecan ice cream into his mouth, and you playfully gag in response. He’s laughing and rolling his eyes, but in the sparkling daylight, he still looks like something out of a spring catalogue. The sky’s vivid blue is complementary to the golden hue of his skin, and against the rosy pink of his lips, you think butter pecan might not be so bad.

The two of you are sitting on the patio of an ice cream shop just off of campus, and maybe it’s the vibrancy of the sun, or the sugar high, but the scenery seems to amplify every emotion you feel. The pots of summer flowers at the shop’s entryway makes your anticipation grow tenfold, but the winding music of passing shop vendors soothes your beating heart with every note.

“Wait, hold on sec.” Byounggon mumbles.

He leans forward into the patio table and his face, only centimeters from yours, makes your breath hitch in the back of your throat. His eyes are focused on something you can’t quite capture, and he outstretches a tentative hand to the side of your face. His fingers brush against the expanse of your jaw, and instinctively, you nuzzle into his touch. You think he might kiss you, because there are twinkling hearts where his eyes should be, and you feel your lips part in preparation. Byounggon’s fingers latch onto a single strand of your hair, and he twiddles with the bottom in between the pads of this thumb and index finger.

“You had ice cream in your hair.” He explains quickly, and then he moves back to his original position, and you hope you don’t look too disappointed.

“O-Oh.” You laugh. “Thanks.”

“So are you gonna come to the game tomorrow?”

“I think so.”

“I hope you do.”

The smoothness in Byounggon’s reply makes chills run up and down your spine, and your eyes widen ever so slightly. He notices the rashness of his words and before you can respond, the words rush out of his mouth.

“B-because Hyunsuk!” He interjects. “I uhhh... know he’d be really bummed if you didn’t come.”

Maybe it’s the vibrancy of the sun, or the sugar high, but you suddenly feel a rush of confidence spring through your body. Lee Byounggon may have been illusive, but he was always so candid, too; you could hear it in the airy quality of his laugh, like he’s gasping for oxygen, like he’s searching for answers, like he’s uncertain; uncertain about you.

You grin at him, and he licks his lips expectantly.

“Nice save, Gon.”

He looks down at his fingers.

“I’ll be there,” You bite your lip. “For sure.”

He looks up again.

As you walk away from Byounggon with lips perched in a shameless smile, the giddy feeling in the pits of your stomach just might consume you. He’s still staring when you look over your shoulder, and if you listen close enough, you think you can hear him whispering to himself in complete elation;

Gon.

***

( Later that evening, you are home in your dorm and deconstructing the events that occurred only minutes prior, and your heart palpitates in your chest. It isn’t until you change into your pajamas when you notice it; a crumpled frock of red fabric shoved into your backpack.

Your mind races when you guess what it might be, but the feelings don’t set in until you unfold the red fabric, and the stark white outline of the number nine greets you with a blinding sheen. Blinding like those eyes, Ike that smile.

His jersey.

You don’t know when he’d put it there, or how, but those questions seem irrelevant when you push the material against your nose and breathe his soft scent; like spearmint and timber. You throw yourself against your bed and grin wholeheartedly.

That night you dream of Byounggon.

And now you think he might be dreaming of you, too. )

***

You decide to wear Byounggon’s jersey underneath a sweatshirt because it all feels a little too cliche. Well, that, and because you don’t think you’ll be able to take Hyunsuk’s incessant teasing when your heart is beating out of your chest.

The gymnasium, like usual, is filled to the brim with amped-up sports fanatics, and if you squint your eyes, you think you can make out the face of Coach Yang standing across the court. (Although, you really wish you hadn’t; his sense of fashion seemingly degrades by the day.) This time, Hyunsuk is warming up with the rest of his teammates, with Byounggon, and you are sitting alone on the bleachers with a tight smile.

You watch as Byounggon looks into the crowd, once, twice over, and when he finally makes contact with you, you watch as his eyebrows push together in subtle concentration. He beams a sideways grin, but it’s not quite as full as you’re used to. That’s when you push down the collar of your sweatshirt, reveal the patch of scarlet fabric beneath, and you think Lee Byounggon might look happier than he would have if he won this game.

Moments later, Hyunsuk pushes himself next to Byounggon, catches your eye, and begins to wave erratically. Then he takes in your expression, and then Byounggon’s, and he nods slyly at you, wiggling his eyebrows. He’s worlds away, and yet, you give in, laughing with full vigor.

***

You know Byounggon’s team has won the game when Hyunsuk removes his jersey off his body and flings it into the air, and then he screams like a madman across the court (somehow, over the crowds’ cheering). Byounggon, on the other hand, hugs his teammates, and once the chaos settles, he turns to look at you.

You are standing in the bleachers, your sweatshirt now long gone, and the bright red of his jersey, on you, gives him butterflies. Since his victory, you’ve been jumping in the stands with the rowdy onlookers beside you, and for the first time ever, you think you might’ve actually enjoyed a basketball game. When Byounggon waves a hand at you, you take it as a sign, and run down countless steps, all the way to court-side where he stands waiting eagerly.

“Congratulations!” You shout, and he’s surprised when you fling yourself into his outstretched arms. His fingers intertwine in your hair, and he laughs onto the top of your head, placing a small kiss at it’s crown.

“Thank you.” He mumbles into your hair; a gesture with such tenderness, you feel yourself overridden with energy.

Byounggon pulls away after a few moments, and his hands are still clasped tightly at the small of your back, yours around his neck. He doesn’t let go. Now, you’re staring intently into his eyes, remarking the scarlet hue of his cheeks—from the game, or this moment, you’re not sure—Byounggon doesn’t close the space between your lips because he’s too busy immersing himself in the gentle sparkle of your eyes; so you take it upon yourself, and kiss him amorously.

His lips, thought slightly chapped, are fervent against yours, and part with a tenacity you’ve never quite encountered. You sigh into his mouth, and he softens his lips, brushing gently over yours; it’s chaste and sweet. You pull away when you feel your body grow weak, and you realize when you’re kissing Byounggon, breathing feels like a second priority.

He is gasping into the hot air of the gymnasium, and you are biting your lips, hands still loosely clasped around his neck. His hands slide from the base of your jaw and toward your cheek, pinching softly.

“I hope that was okay.” You whisper. He moves his lips to your ear.

“It was perfect.”

Before you can sigh in relief, hug him tighter, kiss him more, you can see Hyunsuk approaching through the corner of your eyes. He runs toward you with his lips outstretched into a wide grin, and as he comes closer, he opens his arms and envelops the two of you in a group hug.

“I take credit for every part of this.” Hyunsuk states with glee, and you smack him upside the head.

He flicks you against the forehead. “I’m way too happy to complain about your abuse right now.”

And though the three of you erupt in boisterous laughter, and you shake your head fiercely into their embrace, you think there might be a layer of truth to Hyunsuk’s words. Had Choi Hyunsuk seemed a little less desperate, perhaps you wouldn’t have found yourself at that first game, pressed against rampant bodies, and subject to the boy who you now swore had your heart.

You may not have been the sports fanatic you envisioned, and now, after all this time, maybe you still weren’t; but you did like Lee Byounggon. And now, every time you count to ten, the number nine feels a little bit warmer.

***

a/n: if u made it this far, thank u so much for reading!! im sorry this is mostly plot driven and not necessarily beautiful writing, but i just wanted to post smth cute for gon’s bday!! as always, feedback is appreciated, and ilu all!!! 😚😚💞

#byounggon #ygtb #ygtb scenario #treasure 13 #yg treasure box #lee byounggon #kinda iffy abt posting this bc it's kinda mediocre BUT it's for his birthday so :////

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srlkiller · 3 years ago

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today was a lot. i had a 1on1 therapy thing that was supposed to be like an INTRO TO UR RECOVERY WOO!!! LETS GET UR MENTAL HEALTH IN CONTROL!!! But instead it turned into me having 4 panic attacks constantly crying while venting to a social worker in a room w no air con for 2 hours about ‘how my month has been’ and ‘why i haven’t been attending any of my group therapy?’ well sue sweetie.. u asked me…n boy did i give u the answer ur career as a social worker has been WAITING 4!! then i got my 1st covid shot & briefly spoke to my doctor who was rude asf so i was like ok today fucked. Centrelink also called me and told me wrong info which fucked me over. then i see my dad calling and im like OFC HE IS!!massive fight as per n he hangs up but then continues via text bc hes petty asf.

BUT not as petty as my mom bc that is literally how the fight started. bc of her. like this bitch omg. she purposely runs off to my dad and tells him every little thing i do ‘wrong’ bc she knows his temper and how afraid i am of him due to past events so she uses him to basically do her dirty work for her n ‘scare me’. like that’s how manipulative and fucked up she is in the head. she made up a whole ass lie and told my dad that i said to my mom the only reason i was trying to stay in contact with my dad was so that i remain in his will as like the sole beneficiary or whatever….. how sick and twisted must you be to lie to someone directly in their face about something so serious INVOLVING UR OWN CHILD that you share with that person????? i would NEVER! say that about my dad. EVER. this happened months ago btw. as soon as i spoke about it w my dad and i was like “what.. dad i would never say that you know i don’t give a fuck about money like that i don’t care about your will why would i even be thinking about your will?” he was like wait actually that’s fucked up ur right. It was actually HER who made that comment. she got my dad to go and fix fencing at my nans house for free (using him) n my dad mentioned he had a girlfriend. my mum came home & SAID TO ME “u better hurry up and get in ur dads good books now that he has a gf.. before she gets a hold of his will and u end up w nothing” and i simply told her that my dad would never take me off his will regardless so why say that to me. once she got exposed she backtracked and was like “oh it was just a joke” & both my dad and I were both saying that even as a joke how is that funny? how does your mind even start to think in that way? how is this funny to you? then she flips it. her scripts are so repetitive now that ive caught on that i can actually predict what she’s gonna say before she opens her mouth. she manipulates u into thinking ur reality isn’t correct.. saying things like “ omg ur over reacting lol ur so dramatic no wonder no one takes u seriously in life, grow up, i have no idea what ur going on about, have u taken ur medication for the day, have u lost it, are u high on something?” like what in the fuck?

i never once mentioned anything about anyones will.. when i was younger i made the mistake obviously of telling her that my dad was leaving me his house. when my nans will was getting exposed she became overly obsessed w wills in general and changed hers. im guessing behind my back she has actually taken me off now but i don’t want her dirty ass money which is stolen from my accounts anyway. my nan left all her grandchildren a large sum of money that was supposed to be equally split among us, its now been over a year since my nan passed & i noticed a group text come up on my moms phone from her sisters talking about what they did for their children with that money. one of them paid off their entire hex debt so it must be a substantial amount. i have not seen a cent which means she has taken it for herself, put it in her name and placed it into a secret account without my knowledge. if it’s as much $ as i believe it is, this could seriously help me move out and better my situation which she constantly tells me she wants me to get the fuck out ect. yet you are holding the key to the door in ur hand? that’s twisted and very sick. they fought for a year over my nans money and all i asked for was an old XXXX gold stubby holder that was my grandads bc it was very sentimental to me. instead, they chose to have a garage sale and sold all of my nans things and sold that stubby holder to a random person for 20 cents………. i was in shock when i found out.. and they laughed and were like get over it omg it’s just a stubby holder you can just buy another one. these people are so fucked up but they all made me feel like i was losing my mind my whole life. money isn’t shit without sentiment. i could have given you 20 cents if you need that shit so bad. im only attached partially to these evil ass roaches by some genetics but to me none of them are my family. not once have i ever felt cared for, loved, accepted, safe or happy in their presence. i am only ever wanted when they can gain something from me. that is not family. my grandad was big on family n my nan and my grandad are the only two people i claim as family from my moms side. my nans two blind siblings who i admired & adored + a few of my grandads siblings were the only ones who actually showed interest in getting to know me & didn’t look down on me in any way. i was never considered ‘less than’ or not good enough yet i was the family disappointment to my mom and her sisters. but they have never seen her like i see her. the way she acts in front of family is not the person i know. she’s very good at acting. the way she pretends to be a ‘mother’ in front of her own family is actually scary. she’s like the ultimate con artist except she’s too fucking dumb to actually scam people and get rich off of her ability to manipulate whoever she wants. what a shame ur not intelligent.. that sure must suck huh. my nan gave me that maternal love i never had from my mother and my grandad was always that man who held us all together as a unit. when he got sick everything changed and started to go down hill. they had to give up their entire property, his big beautiful garden and vegetables he was really passionate about, the horses and land ect. my nan planted a rose bush and it grew big and blossomed big red roses and she said this is for you, my little rachel rose 🌹 🥺 she said she wanted to take the whole ass bush w her and replant it 😂 but my grandad was like we are not taking a fucking huge ass rose bush w thorns in the car w us Gloria.. i only remembered this today during that therapy session and i hyperventilated so bad n just started crying.. bc i couldn’t believe my brain had blocked that memory for so long just to recover it now that she’s no longer here to share it with.

i can feel the love my dad has for me even when he’s temperamental.. you can see it in his face and his eyes. when i look at my mom i try desperately to find some sort of just fucking anything and… i see nothing. i can tell that she doesn’t feel anything. but she does for other children. just not me. so i know she isn’t a heartless bitch and is capable of emotions of all sorts.. but anything to do with me it’s almost like im invisible or she cannot see fault in her self. she cannot in any way accept anything she has ever done, she has never said the words ‘I’m sorry’ for anything ever in life involving me, she has stood by (literally stood and watched) while her own sisters verbally abused me as a minor calling me out my name AND one even texted my best friend at the time who was about 14 saying that i was a bitch. meaning my mom gave my aunt my friends number to text that message.. my friends mom was livid about this bc what grown ass woman texts a random 14 year old girl paragraphs of shit like that swearing at them and saying that their friend is a rude ungrateful bitch. her mom reacted as a mother should. as i would love my mother to stick up for me just once in life.. u kno.. ever? i still remember my first SUI attempt at like 16 after being abused and this person told me they were leaving and coming back so i had about a 10 min window of time and i panicked as any 16 young girl home alone would.. i called my mom for help bc ur parents are supposed to protect you. her wording was “well what did u do to make him hit you?” “you know that you deserved that”. i was in disbelief that she would react like that.. she was talking so calmly while i was crying hysterically having a panic attack telling her this man was coming back in 10 mins asking her to please help me.. and all she could say was.. “you probably deserved it”. ive never been the same since then tbh. im not blessed enough to be a parent yet, i may never be.. but i know for a fucking FACT that i would NEVER say any of the shit that she says to me to ANY child let alone MY OWN?!?

you had me at 36 years old. you had time to think about this and evaluate whether you thought you would be able to care for a child and make a good parent. If you “didn’t want to deal with me” then you had other options.. you could have sent me to foster care, you could have adopted me out, you could aborted me, shidddd you could have mf swallowed me bitch let’s be real. no, you chose to have a child. there’s no 18 year contract.. she loves to play that card. “UR AN ADULT NOW”, what about me makes me an adult, my age makes me an adult to you? yet you’ve kept me so childlike, so codependent & haven’t taught me basic life skills despite me asking to learn. like im deadass watching YouTube videos to teach myself basic ass life skills… that is sad as fuck. when im 48… guess what??? i am still your child and unfortunately for me!! you are STILL my parent. there’s no changing that bc you made that choice. you can’t just b like yeah i change my mind nvm i want to return it…… like that is really her attitude. i was born with a lot of health issues that have escalated a lot and only continue to get worse with age both mental and physical. guess what tho… if ur child is born with defects u don’t get to just b like omg ew i don’t want it now this one’s too difficult. like trust me.. if i was one of those lil sperm rn i am not about to fertilise u for NOTHING if this is the consequence I’d rather jus keep on swimming lmao.

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ohhhhmyblog · 8 years ago

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#StoryTimeWithMy - Me & #HurtBae handle things differently...clearly.

Ok... So I was with him over 3 years at this point. But in recent times, we had had multiple convos about not being together for various reasons...but there was still that lingering love. You know? Where you still speak everyday, still hang out, are still intimate, etc... Still...to the point where one week prior to this "incident" we did a little day trip where we took Teagan out to eat and to Liberty Science Center. You know, regular shit...

So on this day, I spoke with him a couple times throughout the day. I let him know I had made plans in his area later and we agreed to just hang out until my girl got off work. Soooo.... I go.

I get to his house and everything's regular... drinks, music, his friends, their girlfriends...typical weekend night at his place.

Then the bell rings, he goes to open it, and a woman comes in. I don't think anything of it at all...at first. Then I notice all of his friends get weirdly silent (completely out of character for this bunch). The woman is totally comfortable. She goes into the fridge for something, takes a charger out of the wall and heads toward his bedroom. She's out of sight for about a minute and I decide to go follow her.

And there she is...sitting on his bed, phone plugged in the wall, just scrolling through her phone...super comfortable. I do the only thing there is to do... "Oh hi...I'm MyAsia. Who are you? I'm *insert name i dont remember because it didn't matter*. Oh. You're here for *him*? How do you know him...because you clearly KNOW him? I've known him for years." She starts to look worried. She's catching on... (lol, funny now...wasn't funny then)

I go back into the living room. I approach him. I just stare at him. He gives me this look like "Fuck!" but tries to play like he's confused. "What?" he says., I just stare at him...

In that moment, I am trying soooooo hard not to burst into tears because...y'all...she was comfortable there. She wasn't new. She knew where the outlets were in his bedroom. She didn't require an introduction to his friends. She was comfortable enough to go in the fridge.

"Who is she? Why is she here?" He just stares at me with the goofiest "I have fucked up" face. She walks into the living room. It's now awkward af. I. LOSE. IT. I have so many questions and I'm asking them all...in front of everyone...at max volume...without one single fuck to give. Not. One.

His friends start to head to the door. The gf of one his boys stays behind and attempts to get me to relax. Nope. I'm on one. Then something in my head is like "MyAsia, you are making a fool of yourself. You are flipping your shit and he isn't even reacting." He is still in the same spot...looking dumb.

The woman gets her things to leave. I start to leave too. He follows. (I think he thought we would get into something...but no, my issue was never with her.) But in that moment, I interpreted that as him wanting to save her from me. I started swinging. You know when you swing as you talk? Why👊would👊you👊do👊this👊to👊me? Why👊have👊her👊come👊here👊when👊you👊knew👊I'd👊be👊here? He gives me this "I didnt know she was coming" bs...which only pissed me off even more. Now I know she's comfortable just popping up here? Ok.

I start bawling. I am sooo hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I had placed him on this pedestal...because in my mind, he would never be "this guy". I attempt to storm out. He stops me. Now he has answers. Now he wants to explain. He wants to tell me that "we broke up already". He wants to tell me "we already decided not to be together". He wants me to believe she just came around in the last couple weeks...this woman who goes in his fridge, knows his friends, comes over unannounced and knows where the outlets are in his bedroom... I. Can. Not. Stop. Crying. I want to...because I feel weak and stupid...but I can't.

I snatch away from him and leave. I can't leave. I have an excruciating headache suddenly. I can't see thru the tears. I was a wreck...smh. I get in the car, drive one block up and park. I call the friend I was suppose to link up with after she got off. I am hysterical. She can't understand me. My phone beeps. There's another call coming in. It's his friend's gf from back at the house. She wants to know where I am. I tell her and click back over. I give a short, prob super inaccurate version of what just happened. At this point, he is Satan to me...so I can only imagine what I said.

Anyway, I tell her where I am and hang up. I am legit hysterical. My head is hurting. I am angry. I am hurt. This woman wasn't new. This woman was comfortable y'all. When he reacted to this whole "incident", he considered her. I saw it. It was too much. I sat in my car just shaking...trying to talk myself out of setting his house on fire. Seriously... The ONLY thing that stopped me was knowing that children lived in the unit above him...the children who stomp around and make so much more on those weekend mornings when he and I just wanted to sleep in. Those loud ass children kept me from making a super irrational decision that night.

I'm startled by a knock on my window. It's his friend's gf. She tells me to unlock the door. She gets in the passenger seat and just sits there, silently. I'm still crying. I can't make it stop. My head is racing. Then the other friend shows up. She gets in the car. We just sit there for a minute. Then my friend who missed the whole thing says "what the hell happened?"... I tell her...and finish with "My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I need a drink."

We all get in her car andride around North Newark looking for a bar. It's dark. It's late. Everything is closed. Then we see this little corner bar that seems to be open. We get out. We go in. There are all Hispanic men over 50 in this bar, y'all. I didn't care. They had liquor...lol I had shots and cocktails with these 2 til the bar was closed. I spilled my little heart out in there...to 2 women who weren't even THAT close to me...but in that moment I appreciated them. They let me vent and talked me down...well kinda... ...Because now, I'm angry AND upset AND still feeling stupid...and I've spent the last hour drinking continuously...

I decide I am going back to his house. They try to talk me out of it...but nah, I'm going back. I call his phone. He answers immediately. I tell him I'm coming back and he needs to be there and alone. I promise you in my head I was going back to that house to hurt him. I considered killing him...in real life. I thought of how I'd do it, how I could get away with it, how it'd make his mom and sister feel, how I'd explain it to Teagan...all that. SMH

We leave the bar and head back to his house. They wont let me go in alone. I ring the bell. He comes to the door. In that moment...something happened to me that I cant and wont ever be able to explain. In that moment, I needed him. So many times before I he had been the ONLY person to see me through bs and tough times. This time was no different. In that moment, I was searching for and anticipating comfort and consolation...from the very person who had just hurt me. SMH Why was I like that?!

I start yelling, crying and carrying on...and he tries to hold me. I'm fighting him...I want him not to touch me and I want him to hold me tighter...at the same... damn...time. Y'all... I was all messed up.

We go inside and he's giving me the same story and I'm so over hearing it. I zone out and I'm just wondering why I'm back at his house...seeking solace in the same man who had upset me in the first place. I got angry. I was back and forth between literally throwing blows and falling into his chest crying asking him why. The whole time my head is KILLING me.

Suddenly it's silent. For a while there's just me doing that "I just finished crying", sniffling thing lol Then he takes my jacket off of me, lays me down in his bed, takes my shoes off and just cuddles up next to me. He says he's sorry and that he never meant to hurt me like this and this isn't how he ever thought this would go. I fell asleep...in the arms of the same mf who I had just thrown jabs at...the same mf I seriously considered killing just hours before. I woke up the next morning and left silently.

I was violently ill for days. I learned then just how real "mind over matter" is. I had literally gotten physically SICK...because of mental and emotional pain. I also learned that you can not ever view someone the same after heartbreak. I learned that anyone is capable of anything and pedestals are for trophies, not people. I learned that everyone is just moments of hurt & anger away from a Snapped episode so I don't judge.

Fast forward to present time...fast forward pass months of personal growth and experience...fast forward pass a bunch of laughs and tough convos between us over the years... This guy is still one of the closest ppl to me. I still love him to death. I currently consider him a friend of mine. I just know I can't ever look at him THAT way again...and that's ok.

That #HurtBae video struck a nerve with me. No one is above being hurt. But when you're in a situation that is emotionally and mentally draining, get the hell out of it!

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taylornock · 5 years ago

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I waited 19 years for lollapalooza

its wednesday, and three nights ago - on sunday august 4th, the last performance of the lollapalooza festival weekend had just wrapped up; a beautiful concert by the female pop queen Miss Ariana Grande.

music has basically always been a HUGE part of my life; ever since my cousins showed me the fateful X factor videos of one direction that they had no idea would spiral into an unhealthy obsession of many years with 5 british boys who will never know my name or face. but that story deserves a whole nuther post!

i simply cannot imagine what the world would be like without the power of music. it is on literally everywhere, in every store + restaurant, in every car you step into, and playing in the streets of crowded cities with every breath of air you take outside. music is so common and so present in life that the mere idea of silence drives me up a wall; i have no appreciation for silence and almost always need music at least in the background so that silence is not so haunting as i make it out to be. i am blessed to live in a generation where if i want to hear a song, its not like i need to haul my ass over to the jukebox and dig for coins to hear it; i can crack open my AirPods…. (soft flex) case and queue it up on spotify in like, 20 seconds. sorry, i cant hear you was that someone poor speaking? (kidding) as i said, i hate silence so much even cleaning my room is too much for me without some track playing even if i have heard it 300 times over.

the trend and infatuation with celebrities that plays a huge role in our generation also plays into the concept of music, as now just hearing our favorite artists / records is not enough; we now have access to unlimited media about their lives and who they are as people. not only can we hear their story through the music, but through all that they are willing to share outside of the studio. the ease and accessibility i have today is something i try not to take for granted.

theres something about music that makes you feel connected… connected to something, for lack of better word. the release of serotonin (science fuck ya) that is initiated when u hear your favorite song or your favorite voice is literally a chemical release triggered by something that you love. your body functions and emotions are connected when it comes to music! i think its cool, if i am even explaining this concept right. but, aside from science; nothing beats the feeling in your stomach when your favorite song is blaring. for me, when i hear the intro to Freaky Friday or Mona Lisa i feel like a new woman and am ready to go absolutely apeshit. when i hear the intro to cough syrup or the climb, my heart drops so low and i feel emotions i didnt know i needed to feel. when Feeling Whitney by post malone comes on, the ex i never had runs through my mind; and even though i relate to about 5% of what Post sings about in that song, it feels so so undeniably real to me and like i can sympathize with him through his heartache. im rambling clearly, but the main point here is MUSIC! IS POWeRFUL! TO THE SOUL BAYBEEE

so, furthermore, to explain the title. this past weekend i attended the lollapalooza festival in chicago with my mf sisters, my best friends. + thousands of more people willing to pay over $400 for the music - or the instagram - either resonates with me. i talk about the connection you can feel with music, and literally NOTHING can surpass the feeling of that connection LIVE; when the artists that you have been screaming in the car to work everyday are there with you on stage, singing the same lyrics you feel like you may as well have written yourself at this point. concerts are one of my favorite things to do, as few things can make me as happy as i am when the band emerges onto the stage to start the set and that first beat hits to make you feel at home. this sounds cheesy and dumb but i promise its JUST HOW I FEEL I MEAN CMON youre telling me you wouldnt get chills hearing the first note of Redbone by Childish Gambino live? youre wrong. ~and not only do you feel that connection with the artist. but the people who are watching and singing beside you. i LOVE the concept of being able to talk to the homies around me who are all here for the exact same reason; to see the artist up on that stage. literally they could be anywhere in the world; but they are at the same damn festival and sweating it out in the same damn heat, dehydrated for the same damn reason you are…… to connect with the voice behind the albums they have on repeat. it will never not amaze me that 100,000+ people all come to the same place to hear hundreds of artists for four days. thats a fuck ton! i met lots of cool people this weekend, and even if i only talked to them for 20 seconds EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION mattered to me. its the little things. i will take my brand of being a people person to my grave and i love talking to people…. even if its an awkward interaction that makes me pee of laughter on Halstead Ln on the sidewalk (thats a story for the books).

the best best best best thing about this trip is that i got to experience it with my MOFO BUDDIES!!!!! i love these girls so much and i know i don’t say it enough - but they truly do mean the world to me and i have no doubt that without them there is no way the experience would have been the same. these are the girls that can make me laugh, that can make fun of things we shouldn’t make fun of together, that can turn a bike ride home into a 15 minute rave, and can make something like braiding hair so much fun. getting ready together every morning was so much fun, and i wish i could wake up and pour glitter in my friends hair every day. id be the happiest person alive!! i am not kidding you when i say i laughed harder on this trip than i have in MONTHS! everything was so funny, and maybe that was the exhaustion or maybe its because we are all (self declared) crackheads at heart. either way, i love these people so much because they can make the most basic things into crazy fun memories that i will never forget about. that dunkin donuts on the corner of diversey + halstead? i will forever associate with the foolery that elisa and i got into with the employees who didnt speak english and our dumbasses who couldn’t hear well enough to communicate through the accents. every time i get in an uber ill probably have a flashback to one of the weird drivers we had who either 1) hated us or 2) offered to take us to a dispensary for weed bc she thought we were cool. THERE IS REALLY NO IN BETWEEN lol. there are a million and 1 memories about the dumbest shit that will only be funny to the 5+ of us. so im not gonna put them here, just know that if u ever ask me to grab you a slim jim theres a 90% chance i will collapse in laughter because of a dumb 2 minute interaction in an Indiana rest stop that sent us all into hysterics.

i feel like these words are a little all over the place, but after a summer full of a stress + a year full of college stress and building anxiety, i didnt know how much i needed lollapalooza. i didnt know that wristband would make me so happy and have as much of an impact on my life as it did. i didnt know when i bought the ticket that this may have been the best weekend of my life, in 19 years. i waited 19 years for this experience and i didnt even know that it was waiting on me. and thats one of the most beautiful parts of life - you never know what the next day brings so you might as well say fuck it and do what you want or it will never come.

see you next year lollapalooza, shoutout to my parents for trusting me to navigate chicago by myself and have a weekend that ill tell your grandkids about some day. thanks for trusting me enough not to take street molly at the EDM stage! even though the offer was tempting, i listened to what you and D.A.R.E taught me about taking questionable narcotics from strangers.

“if someone offered me molly right now id honestly take it”

elisa, abby, julia, + chloe: id do a n y t h i n g to go back to last wednesday when we began all this. i love u all so mucho xx

xoxoxoxoxooxoxo

sad tender gossip girl; currently listening to sweet music by HOZIER wus good ????

#lolla #music #friends #i #love #you

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ecotone99 · 6 years ago

Text

[MF] The Death of Alice Grey

The last time I saw Alice Grey her body was strewn across the pavement below my office window. Staff were warned not to look outside after she had jumped from the roof. Driven by some unknown instinct, most ignored the advice.

A bristling, nervous energy developed as news of Alice’s death percolated through the department. The odd whisper and sob pierced the increasingly suffocating sense of disquiet. Many simply sat in silence, not sure what to make of what had just happened.

Told to stop working, yet unable to leave until the police had arrived on the scene I sat at my desk fiddling with a small roll of Sellotape. I was trying to see how far I could push it with the end of my pencil before gravity took over and pulled it against the desk.

The office manager Greg formally announced there had been a death outside the office, a fact we had all been aware of for at least an hour. His statement struck me as a feeble attempt to wrest back a modicum of control over events.

Seeing me sat alone at my desk, Greg took the opportunity to plop himself down opposite and ask how I was doing. It had been clear since our first meeting Greg was attracted to me. With a CV full of unexplained, gaping holes and a less than enthusiastic work ethic, it’s fair to say said attraction had a large part in my being hired and retained.

Greg and men of his ilk appeared under the illusion that talking to women as if we were lost children to be shepherded to safety was the direct route to our hearts. He shook his head and looked pained on mentioning Alice’s name. Whether this was a genuine reaction to Alice’s death or the slow dawning that an entire day’s business would be lost will never be known.

I watched the beads of sweat collecting around his pink forehead, before feeling his hand just below my shoulder. A slight rubbing motion quickly followed. He offered a forced smile and I managed to reciprocate with something similar. When he eventually removed his hand, I noticed my body relax as I finally allowed myself to exhale.

Once the police gave us permission to leave, I decided to walk home through the park for a change. There was a light, misty rain which felt as though it might wash away the claustrophobia which had enveloped me in the office.

As I walked in the fresh air, I noticed myself smiling.

My flatmate Suzi was curious about my early return. She seemed slightly put out by my presence, four hours earlier than usual. I mentioned Alice Grey’s suicide and she politely feigned concern before offering to make me a cup of tea.

I awoke from a nap with the sun streaming through the window. I felt disoriented, unsure of whether I’d been sleeping for minutes or hours. I glanced up to see Suzi standing over me, a look of concern on her face.

“You were calling out to someone. I thought it was me, but when I came in the room, I heard you saying Alice.”

I looked out the window unsure of what to make of Suzi’s words. I felt her hand on my shoulder and turned towards her as she was walked out the room. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, if anything. I felt like calling out to her.

That night I decided to walk back to work. It was late and the only hint of change was police tape cordoning off the entrance to the building. I stood with my hands in my coat pockets surveying the scene. I looked up at the roof, half expecting to see Alice peering back down at me.

A group of teenagers walked past, taunting me in an alien language. I probably looked strange to them, their future a decade hence. I felt the urge to tell them everything, warn them they were in danger, just like Alice and I. I realised attempting any such thing would be futile, so instead I smiled at them, causing a ripple of hysterical laughs as they walked past.

Feeling a shudder of cold I decided to go home.

I found the atmosphere in the office over the coming days unsettling. The slow, but predictable return to normality disturbed me. Long, icy silences broken only by whispers soon gave way to idle chatter and the odd ripple of laughter in reaction to the usual office ‘banter’.

I felt like screaming.

Inconsequential memories of Alice stored away over the previous four years returned to me. Our working in different sections and my avoidance of most of the office social events meant our interaction was minimal. Each day new memories of doors being held open and glances exchanged in the corridor rose up from the deepest recesses of my mind.

I recalled how annoying I found her general countenance. From overhearing some of her conversations around the office, she had struck me as crushingly uninteresting, constantly surrounding herself with others. I remember judging this as a likely attempt to make up for the character she so desperately lacked. I repressed such uncharitable thoughts, telling myself I had no reason to judge another person, let alone one who had recently died.

An email went around giving details of Alice’s funeral service. Greg made it clear anyone affected by the tragic events, or suffering mental health problems should feel comfortable approaching HR. The dark irony of anyone suffering an existential crisis being met by the charmless corporate lackeys Glenda and Mark did not go unnoticed.

As the rest of the office gradually returned to near normality, I felt a growing anxiety both at work and at home. I felt an urge to learn more about Alice Grey and how she came to the decision to end her life as she did. The fact that her suicide had so surprised everyone filled me with intense unease.

I had told myself I wouldn’t go to the funeral. I had even notified Greg of the fact, telling him it would be too difficult less than six months after my father’s death. This was a lie, but Greg was predictably understanding. This time I received a squeeze on the elbow to go with the forced smile.

The night before the funeral was sleepless. My mind and body were tense and alive to something I couldn’t fully perceive. Several times I awoke from strange dreams drenched in sweat. I forced myself to stay awake, until I no was no longer able.

In the morning I found myself seeking out appropriate funeral attire. Suzi asked where I was going and did her best to hide her annoyance upon hearing that I would be home after the service. She gave me a robotic hug, before wishing me good luck.

I nodded and felt sick.

I sat on the bus on the way to the crematorium looking at the people around me. An elderly woman muttered to herself between hacking coughs. A boy absentmindedly kicked the back of the chair in front of him, itself occupied by a tense looking man who kept nervously checking his watch.

I wondered how different these people were to Alice Grey. I also wondered how Alice might have looked on her way to work on the day she took her life. I pushed the thought out of my mind and watched as a man got on the bus and tried to talk his way out of being slightly short of the required fare. He got lucky and without saying a word the driver gestured him to join the glut of humanity squeezed into the main body of the vehicle.

I felt slightly nervous as I approached the crematorium, a building which at one and the same time appeared both fittingly and un-fittingly mundane for a place in which to mark the passing of human life. I felt the immense urge to turn around and be free of the whole thing and Alice Grey forever. I noticed some colleagues, but far fewer than I was expecting. I looked around for Greg but couldn’t spot him. I suspected the huddled sobbing were close family members.

I decided against approaching anyone, preferring to go unnoticed and avoid being drawn into conversation. Instead, I inspected the picture of Alice in the centre of the foyer area. She looked entirely normal. I don’t know why I was expecting otherwise. Everyone who takes their own life looks like everyone else, there’s no way of guessing. The Alice in the picture was neither beautiful nor unattractive, a half smile discernible on her somewhat flat face. She had straight brown hair and her pale face were home to large, almost pleading eyes. Something about her appearance continued to annoy me.

I managed to find a seat at the back of the room in which the service was held and listened to the speeches given by Alice’s family and a couple of friends. Her life, as described by her loved ones, struck me as utterly inconsequential. I wondered if these were honest accounts. Could so little be said for twenty-nine years of human existence?

Following the speeches, we all watched as Alice’s coffin made its way into the cremation chamber, before filing out into the foyer area.

I passed through the crowd and straight outside, where I succumbed to the urge to smoke for the first time in several months. I heard the crunching of feet on the gravel path and looked up to see the vicar approaching.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” he said, with a kind, but rehearsed smile offered up to hundreds, if not thousands of mourners over the years.

I forced a smile in return. “Thank you, well I’m just a colleague, well, was a colleague of Alice’s. I didn’t know her very well.”

“Well it’s good of you to come and pay your last respects nonetheless. It’s a terrible tragedy when a young life is cut short,” the vicar said, almost as much to himself as to me.

My lack of response led the vicar to look at me expectantly and continue, “Don’t you think?”

No, I didn’t. But I knew that wasn’t what the vicar, or anyone else wanted to hear.

“Perhaps in her death, Alice achieved something she’d have never been able to in life. Part of me admires her for that.”

The words surprised myself as much as they did the vicar. I looked up to be met by his troubled expression, clearly discomforted by the inference of my words. He offered a slight nod and quickly turned back towards the entrance of the church as I exhaled the last of my cigarette and left.

I didn’t feel like waiting for a bus, so walked across town. The sun had come out and I enjoyed its warm radiance against my pale skin. As ever, the coming of spring felt like a new beginning, even if each passing year brought what, deep down, felt like less opportunities than the last.

I looked at the people I passed, their existence shaped by forces largely unknown to them and over which they had little control. With the end of her life, Alice Grey had eschewed the predictability which shaped most peoples’ lives. She had momentarily pushed back against nothingness, before being accepted back into it.

It was more than could be said for most, including myself up until her death.

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