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churchofsatannews · 8 years ago

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Speak of the Devil – Reverend Campbell Interviews Magister Robert Lang

I have, on occasion, had the privilege of collaborating with like-minded Satanists, and through the course of those interactions I have learned that those of substance do not typically have the time to commit to an active online life. They are either too busy actually living their lives, or their contempt for the denizens of those virtual prisons holds no interest for them. One cannot hope to achieve his goals, or to manifest his desires if compulsively congratulating other social media thralls, after all.

The Church of Satan is defined by its members. In over 50 years it has attracted many different types. Some Satanists affiliate themselves with the Church of Satan and live their lives as productive members of society, with no one the wiser. Other Satanists join to make waves, attempting to draw the attention of the Alien Elite by seeking mutual admiration. Then there are those Satanists who join the organization and, through the natural course of realizing their passions and motivations, are recognized as superior human beings—individuals who, when they make a mistake, learn from it. They are individuals whose reputations precede them and who are known by their actions, even if not witnessed first hand.

As a content creator it can be a challenge to connect with Satanists of substance. If they are like you, you may never have the opportunity for an encounter. Often these Satanists will only join you if they believe you will not only provide a professional outlet for the discussion, but also ensure you are not wasting their valuable time. I have the distinct pleasure of bringing you my discussion with one such Satanist. From his contributions to now legendary Satanic publications, to his performance in Satanic Rituals and Ceremonies, my guest tonight has demonstrated his authority as a potent Satanic Magician time and time again. So it is my distinct pleasure to present to you, my interview with Magister Robert Lang. Enjoy!

RC: Magister Lang, it is a pleasure to speak with you. I suppose we should start from the beginning. Would you tell me a little about yourself?

ML: I have been a CoS member for at least 35 years now. I am an artist working in several mediums, a writer, editor and budding musician/singer as well as a character actor in some underground radio dramas.

RC: I was not familiar with the scope of all of your projects, can you elaborate on your music and acting work?

ML: Sure! The music is at the moment just for fun and I would never profess to be a professional musician. As you know, Magister Sass and I collaborated on the The Black House: A Tribute to Anton S. LaVey album years back for the soundscape 'Death Rune' which was a curse projected on particular individuals at the time. I collaborated with the very talented Warlock Eric Ouellet for a side project called Infidels of Iblis. The song 'Vlad the Just Petitions You' was the result of that. The words are lifted from an early essay by myself depicting Vlad the Impaler having risen from the dead and giving a speech to a modern audience. It is a spoken-word piece with me trying to sound like Vlad. Eric wrote and performed the music. The song was submitted and accepted to a Heathen Harvest compilation but we later pulled it in favor of a future Church of Satan compilation that Reverend Raul Antony may release some day.

Because of that song I was asked to play a part in a radio drama released by a friend of mine on Broken Sea Audio Productions entitled Sword of the Crimson Tatters. I may do more of those.

It's fun trying to judge which intonation, emotion and inflection to use without the other actors present. I simply read the script and recorded 3 versions of each line. The producer would then choose the best version that would go into the finished recording. What I am doing now is simply practice for a future secret project which would be improper to speak of at this point.

RC: Improper? Now I'm truly curious! However, I respect your wish for secrecy. Aside from the super secret project that is the only thing I want to know about at this point, what are a couple of your most proud accomplishments thus far?

ML: I would have to say that my proudest accomplishment was realized at the Church of Satan's 50th Anniversary conclave. I had so many people come up to me, talking about how some of my work had influenced them to become who they are today, how they looked forward to a new issue of the Black Pun-kin (a Satanic magazine I put out), or a piece of art I created or film I was featured in (6-6-06 and Inside the Church of Satan). These comments were inspiring to me also as the wonderful people who shared this with me were of such high quality, talent and intellect that I felt proud all my hard work in the past helped to influence these people to become who they are today. It seemed so worth it all of a sudden. It was like, WOW! Made me feel awesome!

RC: Can I ask you about the Black Pun-kin? When was that released, and will it be available in any form again?

ML: I think it came out in XXIX A.S. Some of that material may come out as a compilation or as part of a book. Unfortunately, all of that stuff will need to be re-typed by hand as one of my Great Danes spilled water on my Mac Book where all the files resided. Looking into trying to recover that stuff somehow. Damn!

RC: Ah yes, the joys of our pets and children. When I was in college my toddler son hit the power button on my computer, erasing a project I had been working on. I lost the whole piece, so I feel your pain. Let me ask you about the 6-6-06 ritual. Was it challenging to get into the ritual headspace with the size of the ritual production and that vast audience present?

ML: No, not at all. We had rehearsed over and over again. Once every word and action was set perfectly to memory, the confidence obtained made everything flow so perfectly once it began. To tell you the truth, the only time I even really saw the audience was when I was doing the incense burner walk and during The Benediction of the Cthulhu phallus sequence. The moment where I am directly talking to the other Satanists in the room, when I made true eye contact with certain friends there, that was one of my personally favorite moments. I loved the Fatwa part as well. I found out the next day that at that very moment in the ritual Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was bombed and killed. I had in mind another text for my curse on the fanatics, but we changed it in order to make the curse seem all encompassing.

RC: With the documentary Inside the Church of Satan, did you have any reservations going into or coming out of the project? Did it end up as you had hoped it would?

ML: Absolutely, most especially using that stupid green night vision that they insisted upon using. I spent days working on the aesthetic for that rite only to have it ruined because somebody had the idea that "paranormal" activity might be caught on camera. You always have reservations with these things and the most important one to us was security. Fortunately that was respected, and the end product. although not having high production values, gives the Church of Satan a pretty fair shake for outsiders. There was the odd bit of poking fun at us, but that is to be expected by folks who are not of our persuasion. We can take it.

RC: How did you first discover Satanism?

ML: I discovered Satanism at the age of 13 (go figure). I think I was mostly influenced towards my darker side by watching old HAMMER films with Christopher Lee as Dracula. That is where I first saw the Baphomet and was exposed to the idea of Black Magic. Eventually I walked into a Coles bookstore and saw a copy of The Satanic Bible with the Sigil of Baphomet sitting there in the Occult section. I picked it up and was immediately aesthetically charged by the front cover and the evil looking man on the back cover. I proudly marched up to the front with my forbidden tome and placed it on the counter. The woman at the cash register asked me if my parents knew I was buying this and I said "YES, they do indeed.” Reading it was like looking into a mirror and all of a sudden what had been disorganized in my mind due to a Christian upbringing seemed all of a sudden reorganized again. "This makes sense," I said to myself. "This describes who I am."

RC: How did you perceive Satanism and the Church of Satan? What attracted you to it?

ML: I perceived both as something remotely dark and beautiful, a romantic marriage of forbidden knowledge and earthly delights. It was like coming home.

RC: Do you still feel that poetic connection to both?

ML: Absolutely, it's something that never goes away. The Black Flame only expands and burns larger as we move through life. The more we learn, the more we experience the deeper into it we BURN!

RC: How did you see other Satanists? Can you tell us about your experience with Grottos?

ML: I was alone for at least a decade where my only contact with other Satanists being in the print form of The Black Flame.

My first contact with a real Satanist was with Magus Maestro Peter H. Gilmore and Magister Michael Rose through snail mail by submitting work to Rose’s From the Pit and The Black Flame. Eventually Peter put us in contact with some Canadian members—Witch Marguerite Thompson (whose funeral I officiated at years ago) and Warlock Rick Jaggard, two early members of the Church of Satan with whom we started our own un-official Grotto, The Infernal Garrison. It was unofficial simply because at that time there was no Grotto system. Through that vehicle we made even more contacts around the world, as well conducting interviews and answering questions for many magazines including Playboy and authors writing books on alternative religions like J.C. Hallman and others. I suppose by the time the official Grotto system came back we had had enough of the work that is involved in running an organization. We had by then our own little cabal of people in close proximity to one another and streamlined our focus on being Church of Satan media reps instead.

RC: What did you draw on as inspiration when planning to officiate the funeral?

ML: That was the first time the Satanic Funeral was ever performed. Peter had written it for this occasion, to mark the passing of our dear friend Witch Marguerite Thompson. It was her last request on her death bed.

RC: There is something to be said about the connection Satanists can make with each other. Do you think Satanism connects individuals as friends more than life experiences or is it not a factor in lasting connections in your opinion?

ML: It is both. Certainly experiencing the camaraderie of like minded individuals and building friendships is a special thing. However, it is the life experience shared with them that makes it precious and when all of a sudden one of those people goes bat shit crazy, it hurts all the more. I would never befriend someone just because they are a Satanist. They have to truly resonate with me.

RC: Going back to your first connection with the Maestro, submitting your work to The Black Flame, or even performing a ritual with him, what was it like working with him?

ML: HP Gilmore always has a way of making you feel comfortable in ritual or in any project. He has a great way of suggesting changes to your approach while still complimenting your strengths. No matter how good you think you are at something there is always a way of making it better. His guidance at the Hellfire Caves ritual rehearsals were a prime example of this. He would take centre stage at the centre of the room like some Master Yogi, tell us what he thought of what we were doing wrong and then took up the director's gauntlet and began doing so. Without his direction that ritual could have been so much less than the great magical experience it ended up being.

RC: I have heard rumors of a now infamous phallus incident. Would you be willing to share your knowledge of this?

ML: That was hilarious, but not so hilarious if you did not know what happened as we waited back in the catacombs getting ready to perform our parts in the ritual. They are laughing at us I thought. What could have gone wrong? As it turned out, the two foot long glow-in-the-dark giant phallus designed to literally GWAR the audience with fake semen had broken during Priestess Fifi Labonne's exuberant attempt to spray the congregants. As she swung it, the thing broke in half and went flying across the room, striking the gong in perfect timing. As it turned out, cock #1 had been dripped upon from the chalk walls and had lost its ability to keep a hard on. In perfect ritual form, Magistra DeMagis very ceremoniously recovered it and presented it back to Priestess LaBonne who continued her benediction with the now very bobbly shaft. We did however consider that there was a possibility of it breaking, so earlier on during prop constructing and rehearsals, we had constructed a backup cock. But we did not bring it.

We actually really forgot about it. Months later it was discovered in Reverend Entity's hot water heater closet where we put it to dry. It was like the Fungi from Yuggoth at that point. As for the phallus that broke, I think it's still there, so if you ever visit the Hellfire Caves, you might come across this historic artifact.

Funny that John Wilkes (a prominent member of The Hellfire Club) who wrote, The Essay on Woman used a cock with wings on the frontispiece of that book.

The ritual achieved what we intended—to revive the thriving spirit of those great people that used to haunt that place for fun, frolic and collaboration.

Francis Dashwood, Benjamin Franklin, William Hogarth, Paul Whitehead, John Wilkes, John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich, Robert Vansittart, Thomas Potter, Francis Duffield, Edward Thompson, Lord Chesterfield and others...here's a cheer to some true iconoclasts and lovers of life. Hail Satan!

RC: Are there any memorable experiences you've had as a media rep you would like to share? What was your least favorite experience as well?

ML: The fun one was the Spring Rite which is on the CoS website with Colonel Akula as Pan. Lots of fake blood, masks and debauchery. Magister Rose wrote that one. The Hellfire Caves rite was also amazing! Having the crew there filming it was cool and the after-ritual impromptu rite in the main ritual chamber of the Hellfire Club was a very fond memory. I look forward to that ritual footage making an appearance. Some of it was shown at the CoS 50th salon presentation by Magister Harris.

The Spring Rite was also the most disappointing one, as well as the coffee table book with photography of different religious ceremonies that never came to fruition. We had a blast though taking the photos. Everything was very over-the-top as it always is during our rites.

RC: In your time as a member of the Church of Satan, what was communication between the organization and other Satanists like?

ML: Communication was one of those things you really looked forward too. Snail mail demanded patience which is something you do not see much of these days. A typical response to a letter could often take months, however when you did get a response it was usually a very beefy letter.

Looking forward to a new magazine like Not Like Most (Matt Paradise), From The Pit (Michael Rose) The Raven (Neil Smith) or The Cloven Hoof and The Black Flame was like hitting the Jackpot when you went to your P.O. Box. These were things you kept and cherished. Nowadays things are too easy and the value of the materials has cheapened due to ease of communication. There is good to that as well, it's just less inspiring to me.

RC: I always felt like the art of writing a letter was very ritualized for me. The process of thinking about what you are going to write before putting pen to paper took consideration, discipline and an appreciation for the written word. Not to mention the cathartic experience of receiving the response letter. Do you think the decline of the art of writing a letter has any connection with the inability for some to focus or clearly convey a thought? Like a muscle that's not exercised becomes atrophied?

ML: LoL! Just joking. Absolutely, one hundred percent with you on this one. Writing a thoughtful letter, the act of putting it in the mail and the patience and anticipation of receiving a response are core values of ritual that should be held dear. Though it is very nice being able to contact my friends at the drop of a hat, there is definitely something missing—the magic, I'd say.

RC: Do you think the lack of an Internet helped or hindered early Satanism and why?

ML: It helped develop strong leaders who were patient and passionate about what they were doing which laid a strong foundation for our organization. Because things were so hard to obtain we all worked that much harder to put out a quality product. A communication was like gold, the gift of a new Baphomet medallion was a big deal. Things were harder to obtain and therefore there was more value placed upon such things. Today you can get anything at the wave of your hand. Granted, I like that, but the mentality is different. Patience is VIRTUALLY non existent.

RC: I see what you did there. Do you think the pervasiveness of 'Satanic' merchandise is a gift or curse? With overabundance comes mediocrity, I think.

ML: It's a curse. I would say especially for the business person as things are not so desperately sought after. If there's too much of it then it's never going away therefore the consumer delays at purchasing things because it can be had at any time.

It does not increase with value over time either. Like my Wolf-Hook Rune ring for example. Many wrote me asking me to start making them again, then when iSatanist makes them available for half the price I was selling them for then hardly anyone wants one. So if you want one, get them while you can folks.

RC: When the internet became pervasive, and you saw sites like SatanNet pop up, where there could be in-time communication between Satanists and fan boys, did you see it as a positive or negative form of communication?

ML: Both negative and positive. Positive in the fact that we could get our information out there and fight misinformation. Negative in the fact that any little piece of shit could start up their own pseudo organization and cause shit being their own self-styled Grand Poohba of pseudo-satanic drivel. This creates confusion to an ever-lazy media not willing to do proper research. Now everyone can make a big noise.

RC: We have all had embarrassing or shameful interactions in social media, it's what clues us into the true negative human interaction this medium encourages. Is there any interaction that informed you about the ugly face of social media.

ML: Yes, I've been guilty of taking the bait at times. I remember a certain interaction with a certain grandson of somebody that I wish had not happened. I was defending my friends who I consider family and therefore in doing so I used what may have been confidential information to bitch slap the asshole. I regret doing that, but I do not feel sorry for the harm it caused him. Like I said earlier, I am very passionate about the people I came up with in the organization. When someone attacks them, they are attacking me.

RC: I think what's important about those types of interactions is learning what caused your reaction, and evaluating what you could have done differently. This is a lesson I learned many times over. What is your philosophy for interacting with detractors or trolls now?

ML: Let them eat STATIC!

RC: Was there any other turning point you can identify that caused you to shy away from the hourly social media interaction that seems to be applauded in our culture?

ML: I spent too much time being out there as a representative—way too out there. I changed careers, and in order to do that I had to step back from the spotlight and be pragmatic. I decided that a lot of it was a waste of my time and that I could be spending that time on things that really matter. There's plenty of others willing to step up to the plate. The turning point was after Inside the Church of Satan came out. Too much energy put into it with little or no return as a final product.

RC: Do you think there can be an effect on Satanists or Satanism through the constant interaction of social media?

ML: Yes, you are not doing anything productive. You should be constantly interactive with real life. Social media should be something you do with a morning coffee, to wake up.

RC: Why do you think social media is so popular amongst those who claim to champion real life?

ML: It's because they usually have no life.

RC: I can't argue with you there. What do you think is the biggest downfall of most Satanists nowadays?

ML: Social media. The inability to recognize the skill and time it takes to create something valuable due to its ease of access now.

RC: What is the single most important Satanic principle(s) Satanists should continually keep in mind?

ML: The best advice you will ever get in my opinion was from Anton LaVey. "Dare to keep company with those smarter and more accomplished than yourself, then see what happens."

RC: What is next for you, are there any new projects or goals you would like to share?

ML: I am interested in making music these days as it is something I have not challenged myself enough on—and getting back into my painting again.

RC: Thank you for your time, I would like to ask, without a hint of irony, if there is anywhere you would like to direct the readers to connect with you online or to learn more?

ML: I am FreyjaFru on Facebook and Magister Lang on Twitter where Donald lives.

Hail Satan! —Reverend Campbell

Note: Photos used with permission, given to Magister Lang. Article photo, Magus Gilmore in Lotus position and profile photo of Magister Lang were taken at the Hellfire Altar by Diana DeMagis. Inside the Church of Satan photos used with permission Joshua Warren. Nude altar still from 6-6-06. The photographer for Pan and myself for Inside the COS is C. Eric Scott. Magister Lang standing beside the Nude Altar was taken by Bob Johnson. Latex backed nude Altar was taken my Bob Johnson for an issue of Old Nick Magazine.

#satanism #church of satan #satanic ritual #the black flame article #the black flame #Magister Robert Lang #reverend adam campbell

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ossyuche · 6 years ago

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100 Reasons I Love You

I’m a writer.

I can’t say whether I’m any good. All I can say is that I’m prolific.

I wrote the comedy column in my college newspaper.

I wrote a dozen screenplays and 15 sitcoms when I moved to LA in my twenties.

I have written over 1000 blog posts, 400 newsletters, 100 podcasts and 4 books since then.

But the most meaningful thing I’ve ever written is something no one has ever read before.

It’s a series of lists called “100 Reasons I Love You” that I wrote for the extraordinary woman I call my wife.

The first one was dated July 25, 2007. That was six months into our relationship when I first told her I loved her.

The second one was dated November 25, 2007. That was for her 38th birthday.

The third one was dated April 24, 2008. That was when I proposed to her.

Since then, we’ve gotten married, bought a house in the suburbs, and had two children, now 6 and 7, who fill up our world with delight.

As a husband, father, son, brother, friend, and small business owner, I’m as harried as you are, trying to spread my time and attention around to make everyone I love happy.

But, as you know, things fall through the cracks. That’s life.

We all have to pick and choose what’s important.

As a dating coach, I have a daily window into this, and one of the things I see regularly is how well-meaning couples fall into a rut and start to take each other for granted.

To be fair, we all have a great excuse: life is, indeed, busy!

And really, who has the time and energy to treat your spouse like you did when you first began dating?

Yet that lack of time and energy are exactly why relationships falter.

It’s why people grow apart.

All the little things stop and you fall into your roles.

You work. You parent. You sleep.

All the time you put into being a couple has disappeared and been absorbed into life’s other endeavors. Next thing you know, you’re wondering: “What happened to us?”

THAT’s why I insist that relationships don’t take “work,” but they do take EFFORT.

So while I’d like to think I’m a good husband – I wake up the kids and make them breakfast, I’m out of the office every day at 5:30 to help out my family, and I’m fluent in all 5 Love Languages – there’s always something that can be done better.

I’m doing it today.

This week marks my 10th Anniversary.

It’s not only been ten years since my wife and I tied the knot, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do us part – but it’s been ten years since I wrote a list for my wife of 100 reasons I love her.

It’s something I’ve been meaning to do, but haven’t gotten around to, what with soccer practice, cleaning out the garage, and putting together that earthquake preparedness kit.

My 100 Reasons list is not a work of literary genius. It’s mostly a series of inside jokes for an audience of two. But I’m sharing it with you today for three reasons:

1. I’m proud of it. I’m proud of my wife. I’m proud of my marriage. I’m proud that I’m given this opportunity to let you peek in on my relationship and show you what healthy, lasting love looks like from the inside.

2. My wife is cool with it. Sure, this is written for private purposes, but my wife has made peace with the fact that I’m an open book. So while I respect her privacy and cherish our marriage, I also see our partnership as an education on love that I can offer directly to you. All the good, all the bad; I only have one mode: honest.

3. True love can be yours. While I wouldn’t hold my breath on your future husband writing you 4 lists of 100 reasons he loves you, that’s because he’ll have a real job besides “dating coach.” What he lacks as a romantic and fast typist, I promise he’ll make up for with other traits: character, consistency, kindness, and commitment.

This much I know is true.

Great husbands come in many forms to the millions of women who look for them.

They don’t, however, come to women who have given up on men.

They don’t come to women who think the worst of men.

They don’t come to women who think dating is a waste of time and that relationships only lead to heartbreak and disappointment.

That’s why, starting officially on Thursday, November 1st, I’m having a special sale on my Believe in Love program where you’ll get $50 off just for being on my mailing list.

Consider that my 10th-anniversary gift to YOU.

You deserve to be happy and in love.

If you don’t have it now, then something has to change – preferably sooner, rather than later.

In the meantime, enjoy your day, hug someone special, and check your inbox on Thursday morning to take advantage of this opportunity to get your groove back and save big money.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. You didn’t think I’d close this email without sharing my list, did you?

So, without further ado, 100 Reasons I Love My Wife, Volume 4:

1. You always have floss with you.

2. You let me read bedtime stories to the kids every night.

3. You know how to turn on the pool heater and filter since I don’t.

4. You make a generous effort to visit my family whenever we can.

5. You have separate washes for blacks, colors and lights.

6. You say yes to all social plans — and often consider whether I want to be part of them.

7. You encourage me to see my guy friends.

8. You are the pioneer of the Mad Libs Dance Challenge.

9. You are really fun, considering you’re the not-fun parent.

10. You will always go out of your way to help a friend.

11. You validate me when I say I need more quality time with you.

12. You appreciate how much I want to provide for the family.

13. You offer me fair criticism in ways that I can always handle.

14. You drive six hours in a day for a weekend without the kids.

15. You make a mean gazpacho.

16. You rock those holiday wall calendars.

17. You care about the details of every barbecue, dinner party, and birthday party.

18. You continue to surprise me with random military facts that I don’t know.

19. You can spend three nights packing for a three-day weekend.

20. You need to have 10 different kinds of vinegar to eat one large heirloom tomato.

21. You listen to me relentlessly vent about the technology part of my business.

22. You are proud of your age and you’re proud that I’m proud of your age.

23. You know how to laugh at yourself.

24. You make sure the kids can laugh at themselves, too.

25. You are the model for all the Catholic wives at synagogue.

26. You sort through endless amounts of kids’ homework on the kitchen table.

27. You always prove that when I can’t find something, I just did a “man-look.”

28. You are willing to go to the beach with me, even though you don’t like sand.

29. You made sure our 16-day East Coast road trip was an experience to remember.

30. You’re willing to listen to my ideas about how to be happier and more efficient.

31. You like to keep the pool at 88 degrees.

32. You get 97 texts from your PFA friends in one day.

33. You dominate at board game night, especially Taboo.

34. You are wonderfully shameless when it comes to karaoke night.

35. You never go to bed mad.

36. You can somehow sleep until 11am on weekends.

37. You write cards that make me cry.

38. You only cry when your computer is causing you trouble.

39. You will always want to go to a movie on a night when the kids are in San Diego.

40. You put salt on salted popcorn.

41. You actually owned a tank of helium for balloons.

42. You like math.

43. You are the designated poop-picker-upper when there’s an accident.

44. You never say no to a Mommy’s Night Out.

45. You curse more than I do.

46. You are more into reading, theater and politics than when we first met.

47. You insist on themed Halloween costumes for all four of our family members.

48. You have a whole section of the attic reserved for different holiday decorations.

49. You need two attics to house all the things you’ve never thrown out.

50. You like 90% of what I buy you for Christmas.

51. You trust me when it comes to choosing a restaurant.

52. You always order the least healthy (and most tasty) thing on the menu.

53. You are cool with canceling Christmas. Or our 10th-anniversary vacation, if need be.

54. You are slowly coming around on the dog thing. Maybe a dwarf hamster first…

55. You finally got into book club — but you have a better idea if this one collapses.

56. You are always agreeable when I invite old friends over to dinner.

57. You treat my family like your own family.

58. You care about how you look — and you invariably look beautiful.

59. You make incredible meals in the crockpot.

60. You have a pantry with about 50 kinds of carbs, crackers, chips and cereals.

61. You don’t tell me how you vote — but I’m pretty sure you vote the way I would.

62. You are an excellent disciplinarian with the kids.

63. You invariably agree with me when we do our post-party rundown in the car.

64. You are the unofficial mayor of our town.

65. You embrace why my Israel trip meant so much to me.

66. You are the best kind of stable — I know exactly what I’ll get for the rest of my life.

67. You are almost willing to go camping, as long as there’s a shower in the woods.

68. You are an easy audience.

69. You don’t count calories.

70. You make bangs look good.

71. You take pride in being the best school treasurer ever.

72. You’re sometimes willing to have sex TWO times in a week.

73. You use 12 pillows when you go to sleep at night in your pillow fort.

74. You knew every word at the Depeche Mode show and braved three days at Desert Trip.

75. You allow me to play dinnertime DJ and introduce the kids to our music.

76. You don’t want anything more in life than a weekend alone.

77. You still read wedding magazines and consider them your version of porn.

78. You laugh at my mishaps at Thai massage places.

79. You drive much faster than I do.

80. You read much slower.

81. You say “I love you” at least 25% of the times I say it to you.

82. You are a hero to women you’ve never met.

83. You save random Saturday Night Live sketches for me to watch after you’ve seen them.

84. You handle customer service issues when I’m about to blow a gasket.

85. You make sure the kids are prepared for any fluctuation in temperature.

86. You never pass up a glass (or two) of wine.

87. You have middle-class taste at home and five-star taste in hotels.

88. You look great naked.

89. You make me feel like I do, too.

90. You donate to every charity that any of your family members request.

91. You can take a 2-hour break from telling a story and begin right where you left off.

92. You can operate on three hours of sleep.

93. You are more than willing to leave a party…an hour after I first asked if we could go.

94. You never make me feel bad when I’m falling short.

95. You don’t let your past relationships negatively affect your present ones.

96. You understand my need to talk about my past — my father, my exes, my career.

97. You have the highest emotional intelligence of anyone I’ve ever met.

99. You know all my embarrassing anecdotes — and you’re still here!

100. You are my muse, my north star, my raison d’etre, my favorite person in the world.

Happy 10th anniversary, honey!

Love,

Evan

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thesixweekseeker · 8 years ago

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Road to Hana

(1/26-1/27/17)

The “Road to Hana” is on every must-do list for Maui, so I was not about to have some major FOMO and miss out on this trip. My best bud and his dad love it up there so they happily obliged and became my unofficial tour guides. Since it’s about a 3-hour drive from where we are, we woke up at 5am to get a head start on the “tourists” and the sunrise. Since I was with these two experienced locals, I earned the shotgun spot, and just sat back and was prepared to soak it all in.

For starters, the drive itself is like an amusement park ride (which is totally my jam). As you drive along a road made for one car (not two), with tons of opportunities to meet another car head on around every curve, and also throw in the chance landslide encounter (one had just occurred a day or so before we arrived)… it becomes a windy little thrill ride. Hands in the air like you just don’t care.

Luckily we made it unscathed to the first stop on our tour: Wai'anapanapa Beach, aka Pa'iloa Beach, aka Black Sand Beach. A quick walk down the path takes you to a beautiful beach with (you guessed it) black sand. The black sand was created by a lava flow several hundred years ago and the proper name of Wai'anapanapa translates into “glistening water” which is very evident from the pictures below. It wasn’t really swimmable so we took a path above and alongside the beach to get some stellar views over the cliffs. We weren’t sure how far the path went, but we walked about 0.5 miles in and got some of these views below. Maybe next time we will go on a little Lewis and Clark expedition for the full mile and see what we find.

En route to our next highlight, we made a quick pit stop at Hana Farms. Although there is no shortage of fruit and coffee stands on the Road to Hana, this one may be the winner. The women behind the stand were super friendly and answering all of our annoying “what’s in this” questions with an extreme amount of patience as we were trying to decipher what was Six Week approved. Unfortunately their Macadamia Nut Banana Bread “voted best in Hana for years” was not on the approval list so I can’t weigh in on that ruling. We did get the green light on their Macadamia Nut Pesto Hummus and that did not disappoint (includes everything the name says plus some basil and olive oil). They also have a ton of homemade goodies including dried exotic fruits and jams, holistic healing goodies and a very legit coffee bar.

Moving on to our next beautiful beach: Kaihalulu Beach (known as Red Sand Beach). If I wasn’t with my local tour guides, I would not have been able to find this beach … and that’s the way they like it. It was a slightly intimidating walk down to the beach and we almost saw a guy bite it over the cliff, so make sure to wear something besides flip flops and get off your phone and focus.

When you get to that first lookout over the beach, it’s absolutely stunning. Picture huge red cliffs, beautiful red (ish) sand, clear teal water, naked people… wait, say what?

So yes, it’s a clothing optional beach (which I fully support) and I’ve experienced my fair share living in SF. My only issue is it seems like it’s always the LAST person you want to see naked… and I’m just wondering when do I get the Kelly Slater look-a-like who wants to throw his board shorts to the wind and sit next to me versus “this guy”?

Anyway, I had to do a quick conference call there, so I tried to go around to a little side pocket so I could avoid the distractions. However, my new friend just decided to pull up his laptop next to me in his birthday suit and jump on his conference call to discuss philosophy and politics. Go ahead and also cue two dogs stopping right in front of me to fully (and I mean fully) get it on, with the owner (topless chic) running towards me to try and stop it. My conference call obviously went well.

Pepper is clearly vibin’ with this beach.

After an exhausting day of sitting at beautiful beaches in perfect weather, we decided to go set up shop at our campsite. We went to Haleakala National Park on the Kīpahulu side (one of two drive-up camping options in the park) and got the best spot (IMO) in the very back away from everyone, but still close enough to get a great view of the water. The campsite was small with no frills but it was completely surrounded by wonderful scenery. If you have a Wrangler, Golden Retriever, hammock and a pop up tent – go chill here for three days. (Three days is the max number of nights they allow at once and I guess you don’t need a Wrangler and a Golden – I just assume everyone wants the same things that I do.)

While at the campsite, I learned how to make a version of Huli Huli (turn turn) Chicken – which was delish. I also became very campfire savvy and learned that you can wrap sweet potatoes up in foil and put them right in the coals and you can also put a whole can of green beans on the grill and cook them straight up. (You didn’t know that either.) We walked off our din by taking a little stroll to see the sunset and I knocked out “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg - GREAT book and very applicable for The Six Week.

I had some conference calls that next morning and I was able to walk down and take one right as the sun was rising – and it was hands down one of the best I’ve seen. It was a moment where I realized that I was “in my office” working watching all of this unfold, and it made me beyond grateful for the choices that led to that present moment. (Side note: you will learn that I geek out over the following: sunrise, sunset, waterfalls.)

We decided after sunset that we would get a jump start on the Pipiwai Trail to go see some waterfalls. Go early (7ish) as it starts to get crowded by 9/10am. The hike is roughly 5 miles round trip but it doesn’t even feel close to that. Your hiking highlights include:

A massive banyon tree..

A view of Makahiku Falls ...

A trek through an enchanted bamboo forest ....

And the grand prize… Waimoku Falls.

My friend’s dad was talking to us about the vortex right above the waterfall. He said there were only two in the world (here and in Africa) and it was meant to have vast spiritual powers and healing energy. I did some quick research and it says this area is the Global Fire Vortex. This is said to govern liberty and they recommend coming to this space to meditate (during the Aries new or full moon) on fire, liberty and purpose. I’m not sure what all I buy into, but there is definitely something very special in that space. I instantly felt a complete calm rush over me and it was very therapeutic in a way.

I could have and would have stayed there all day … but somebody had to go find her pot of gold.

After we got back from the hike, we decided it was tear down camp time, and we were going to venture the rest of the way around the island – Venus Pools would have to wait until the next Hana trip. My bud made us stop at the Coconut Zen Cave on our way back, and if if you met the owner and saw his space, you would too. I learned how to crack open a coconut and use a machete for the first time and somehow all appendages are still intact. Also, putting some Tahitian lime juice (his recommendation) in the coconut water IS amazing and it makes a huge difference.

The ride back home from Hana was one of the highlights of the trip. I was surprised to learn that most people don’t go around the backside of Haleakala, they just head back the same way they came. “They say” the backside is more dangerous to drive on and less visually appealing, but I thought both claims were false. I mean, there were definitely a few “we might die here” spots during the ride back, but alas, I live another day to write another blog.

You need to make sure to save some room for lunch on your drive back so you can hit up Ulupalakua Ranch Store. Since they were fresh out of elk (the go-to choice) we had lamb and venison burgers, but don’t worry, we had those wrapped in lettuce wraps so TSW approved. After lunch, I convinced the crew to drive around the West Maui Mountains instead of the normal way home through town. It adds an extra 45 minutes but well worth the drive as the views are gorgeous – reminds me of some of the North Shore in Kauai.

We made the complete figure eight loop of Maui within 48-hours and that final day I was able to watch an epic sunrise in Hana, hike to a stunning 400-foot waterfall in Haleakala Park and get home just in time to end with a beautiful sunset in Kahana. Like I mentioned above, geek out central with those things, so all three in a row = my favorite day in Maui so far.

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