#DAMN . . . WHAT TF DID I SUGGEST AGAIN KNDFJNKFD

[hvrtbroken]

defne's breathing quickens far too often around thomas . not just from the alcohol or the borderline-lewd conversation . he has a way with words . he says enough but not enough . he rides the line well . even when he's teaching her how to do something , it's like he inherently TRUSTS her . he'll never overdo it , or treat her like a baby or silly girl . he sees people - DEFNE - as his equal . her mind tries not to ring on him correcting her again , mentioning that he's NOT necessarily a missionary guy . she tries not to think about her on his lap , his arms covering her and holding her , all muscles tensed . she swallows again and breaks her gaze from his for once .

it doesn't matter though . none of it does . because he puts his warm large hand on the small of her back as she coughs and she wants to lean into it, yet far away from it . IT'S TERRIFYING . there's barely any weight to it , yet defne could fall right through the ground . it reminds her of all the times they've grazed hands while working . it's maybe her only and most prominent downfall . she can memorise things , but as soon as thomas is there , she falls apart because all she can focus on is HIM . " a car . " she repeats , through her coughs . her eyebrows are raised so high that she wouldn't be surprised they're hidden by her bangs . " cool . sure . haven't we all ? " defne lies , pretending to be nonplussed by it all despite her very real physical reaction . " i would show you . " the alcohol , god damn it . " if you wanted to . " she keeps her voice as casual as she can , but feels VAGUELY EMBARRASSED by the implication of it all . she'd get naked for him . she'd undress . all he has to do is ask , and he doesn't even realise that . her eyes watch the way his adam's apply gently bobs as he drinks . she feels both calmer and more wound up all at once . she watches him and he doesn't even seem to notice , his own gaze skimming over her shoulders . when he talks , she pulls herself out of it and stands , just as everyone else does .

DEFNE TRIES TO FOCUS ON IT . on the way meredith gives everyone a pained smile . derek's eyes sweep over everyone . the other guards all raise their glasses of NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES . it's meant to be a celebration , but they're all far too aware that it isn't one and can never be one again . meredith talks easily , even gesturing to thomas at one part and allowing him a polite smattering of applause . defne knows the words are there , the thank yous , the honourable mentions , the moment of silence for those lost . . but all her brain can do is ring and ring . ring with the alcohol , and THOMAS right beside her , their arms almost grazing . the only thing that pulls her out of it is a large and sudden BOOM that sounds across the room . at the same time , everyone seems to wince . defne can't help her hand immediately flying out , grabbing thomas' forearm just as all the lights go out . " what was that ? " she asks , voice high pitched . there's footsteps moving , quickly . people push past . meredith's voice cuts across . " it could just be the powerboard cutting - " but it's hardly soothing as another louder noise sounds , this time closer . defne doesn't even realise she's still holding onto thomas' forearm , but with her eyes still adjusting to the dark , she's unable to confidently release him yet . " is somebody hurt ? " defne asks , slightly dumbly , CONFUSION WASHING OVER HER because none of this makes sense .

for some reason her answers don't surprise him. thomas had a feeling dephne thought of him as this very stoic, controlled gentleman. he can't fault her for it, it's the image he tries to PUSH OUT; though as far as he's concerned it's not exactly a gentleman stereotype as much as it is just him being a decent person. he supposes it comes with the role he plays within the community, a caretaker. no one in their right mind would trust him if he didn't look like he had his shit together after all. her little teasing jab does make him laugh though and he reaches out for his glass once again then takes a very mindful sip. " ok, i'm not THAT old or boring… " he retorts, shaking his head ever so slightly. he knows full well they're treading in very dangerous territory, but the very pleasant buzz of booze is making it all feel fine and like it ISN'T SO BAD to talk about intimate things that will inevitably make them closer, or worse… awkward with eachother. for a moment it seems like he's not gonna say anything else but then his mouth opens and… " just for the record, i'm not… " a missionary guy, he means. but he thinks it's clear enough. he's unfortunately, so frustatingly oblivious to the possible repercussions of his imprudence. " that sounds really nice, " he comments because it really does. it's weirdly domestic too which makes him feel different somehow, happy almost giddy, he could try to figure out the reason behind it but honestly he's a little bit TOO drunk for that right now. and even if he wasn't thomas isn't exactly the most introspective person despite the fact that he's in his head, overthinking, WAY more than he should. " although that's kinda making it seem like i'm not really nice to you already… and we both know that's a lie. " he might be a little bit strict when he's teaching her the correct way to dress wounds but that's normal, he thinks. still, there's a relaxed small smile on his face. it's clear he LIKES the idea; he may or may not be even looking forward to it if it ever happens. he's a surprisingly easy person to please and she's proven to be SO GOOD at it. that's part of the problem though… she makes him feel a longing he has NEVER felt before, she would fit so easily in his everyday life, that it's almost painful to keep her away but he knows he HAS to. she deserves better, younger, someone without half a life experienced. was it really that surprising? as soon as she starts coughing he's moving to place his hand on her back, patting softly to help. there's an amused expression in his face because… really? it's THAT unbelievable. he looks around and realizes now that there are plenty people around them so his voice lowers and he moves away ever so slightly. he doesn't want to give off the wrong impression. " inside a car… it was a LONG time ago, " the way he accentuates the word long makes it seem like a lifetime ago, in a way it really is. he was a teenager still, it was probably with his FIRST ever girlfriend when he had barely even discovered sex. can't remember too much about it so he doesn't even know if it was good. an eyebrow raises at her answer, and although he's interested. now is not the time or place. " i won't ask you to show me then. " he's internally grateful that she steered the game into SAFER territory considering he can see some people eyeing them curiously. he doesn't like the attention. " pretty sure every guy has, at least once. " he concedes with a chuckle and then drinks. he's trying to think of what to ask next when he sees meredith and a small group of people entering the room. " oh… i think it's finally starting… "