#Cutest Small Towns In Pennsylvania | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bae-b-8-imagines · 7 years ago

Text

The Road Trip - Poe Dameron x Reader (Part 2, Fluff)

Author’s Note: Hello! I hope you all have had a great day! Here is part two! I really like writing this, if any of you have any suggestions on where you would like the story to go let me know, and remember requests are always open! Stay Gold!

Warnings: none

Word Count: 1,100+

Who knew how long it actually took to drive from New York to Cincinnati? You knew that the GPS kept saying it was only 7 more hours, but you were pretty damn sure that the stupid voice had said that about three times now. Poe glanced over toward you from the driver’s seat. His hand squeezed your thigh slightly. A small reassurance that he was still in the car next to you.

“It’s almost two thirty, did you want to grab something to eat?” He asked.

You looked up from the article you were reading on your cell phone, something about what the top ten cutest dogs were.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. What’s nearby?” You said looking at your surroundings for the first time in about thirty minutes.

The sky outside was an auburn shade from the lenses of your sunglasses. You looked out of your window at the signs ligning the highway. There seemed to be only typical fast food restaurants. You wanted something new, something that you would remember from Pennsylvania. You opened an app on your phone that showed you different local restaurants. When you travelled you really liked to get the vibe of the city.

“What type of food are you in the mood for? Harrisburg is coming up, they’ve seem to got just about everything.” You said.

Poe thought a second before responding, “Just American food.”

You scrolled through the various different options, trying to find something that wasn’t extremely expensive. You wanted to be in Cincinnati like three hours ago. Finally your eyes saw a small little burger joint called Jackson House.

“Hey this place looks really good! They have subs, burgers, just about anything.” You said before putting the address into the navigation. When you two arrived you stopped inside, ate your food and then made your way back on the road.

The scenery was pretty, various different trees lining the highway. Rolling hills. It was relaxing. Poe was relaxing. You were so thankful that he was here with you. He didn’t treat you the same way that Finn and Rey did when they first found out. Both of them were waiting for you on everything. It was a little overbearing, Poe let you know that he was there, but didn’t push to hard. He knew that you should be the one calling the shots on how you felt, and what you wanted to do.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the two of you arrived in Cincinnati, Ohio. It was really late so the two of you checked into the first hotel that you saw. It was nothing special, but it didn’t need to be. It was a place to lay your head.

The next morning you woke up before Poe. Reasonably so, he drove the entire way the previous day, you knew that he was tired. Normally you would have released yourself that was the vice created from his strong arms, but today you were content just being with him. You situated yourself so you could see his face. It was beautiful. Not in the way that the movies made it out to be. There was no smile on his lips, he had a little bit of drool dripping on the pillow, his left cheek was red and swollen, his eyes had slight dark circles under them, but you loved it. You loved him.

You stayed like that for twenty minutes, admiring him, before Poe woke up. He brought his arm from underneath you and wiped the drool from the corner of his mouth.

“How long have you been awake, Y/N?” He asked rubbing the inner corners of his eyes.

“About twenty minutes. I was gonna get up, but it was nice just to lay with you, even if you couldn’t keep me company.”

He smiled before placing a kiss to your lips. His breath didn’t smell good, but you didn’t mind. He gave you a small hug before walking to the bathroom to shower. You pulled your hair up so it was out of your face, and changed into a clean set of clothes.

Neither Pole nor you had plans for the day, but you didn’t want to have plans, sometimes it was better just to get lost. Eventually the two of you found a cute museum that featured a ton of different signs. All the neon lights, and faux old buildings, the different signs that scattered every wall. It was breathtaking in its own unique way. As Poe was walking around the museum you snapped a picture of him under a orange neon sign the light illuminating his face. He was damn gorgeous.

“Hey Poe?” You asked.

He turned around from where he was standing, giving you an inquisitive look, as he locked his arms around your waist.

“I love you.” You whispered as you pressed a small kiss to his nose.

His grip tightened on your waist. He knew that today was probably just as hard as yesterday was. The only difference was that you were in a new town, and didn’t have tears streaming down your face like Niagara Falls. (Another place you should probably hit up.)

After the two of you left the museum, you were hungry. During your 10 hour car ride from New York you had read somewhere that there was this really weird food dish that was originally from Cincinnati. Something called Skyline Chili.

The two of you entered a small diner. When you got to your seat you were served with oyster crackers in a small ceramic bowl. You saw some of the other patrons dripping hot sauce on them so you decided to try it too. Poe took to the heat easily. He was used to spicy foods. You both ordered one of the spaghetti dishes off of the menu.

Eventually your food came out. A plate of spaghetti, stacked with chili, onions, beans, and what seemed to be a mountain of shredded cheddar cheese. Poe grabbed the hot sauce and drenched his dish in it. You laughed at him.

The food was...interesting. Definitely an acquired taste.

“Where are we going to next on this glorious adventure, Y/N?” Poe questioned. He knew you probably wanted to get on the road again tomorrow after your day of exploring the city.

“Chicago?” You asked.

It had always been on your bucket list to go there. You remembered reading about it as a little kid.

“For sure.” Poe smiled with his teeth.

The two of you made your way back to your hotel for one last night before setting off for Chicago in the morning.

Tag List: @heyohheyitsgabi

#poe dameron #poe dameron x reader #poe x reader #poe dameron x you #poe x you #fanfiction #fanfic #fluff #star wars #the road trip

21 notes · View notes

hoesandhorses · 7 years ago

Text

We adopted Henry in the middle of the summer, July 2002. Not much was known about the boy's past aside from his parents' deaths in a horrible car accident, his birthday, and the town he was born in, the only information that was given on the handwritten note tied to his wrist. A "relative" dropped him off on the orphanage steps, three years old and shivering in just a onesie with a blanket to keep him warm, despite the bone rattling cold of Pennsylvania in December.

He was the cutest little boy. A mop of brown hair flopped in front of his green eyes when grown out too long, and he had the sweetest set of dimples when he smiled. And oh boy, could that smile melt your heart. Alexei and I knew the minute we saw him in the boys dormitory that morning we were going to take him home with us.

We brought him back to our town a month later, excited to show our new son off to the world. That night, as I was giving him a bath before bedtime, I noticed something that was never disclosed with us from the agency, nor was it ever marked in Henry's file. A scar, about three inches long and one inch thick, curved around his right shoulder. As if something had bitten into the child and ripped out a good chunk of skin for a child as small as my toddler.

"Henry," I said cautiously, turning him so that I could look at his face, "can you tell me what happened to you? What left this mark on your arm?"

He looked right up into my eyes without the slightest hint of fear or worry. "Big dog. Wanted to eat me but I said no." And with that he turned back around, playing with the toys floating in the bath water. I let him continue a few moments more before wrapping him in a towel and setting him up in his pjs for bed. My stomach was in a knot thinking of how nobody told us of the trauma this poor child had probably endured. Was he scared of dogs now? As a parent I would have to know things like that.

Henry luckily did not show fear or anxiety around dogs; in fact, he loved them, and they seemed to be fascinated by my son as well. When he was eight, we adopted a beagle puppy he aptly named Spot. They were best friends. It almost seemed as if Henry was part dog, the way he acted with that hound. Oh, if only we knew...

On the morning of his tenth birthday, I walked into my son's bedroom, a tray of his favorite chocolate chip pancakes and apple juice in my hands as a surprise. I pushed the door open, then let out a scream, the serving tray clattering to the floor, juice soaking into the carpet. Spot slept on Henry's bed in his usual place next to the pillows, but where my son should have been lay what appeared to be a shaggy grey dog, curled up right on Henry's blankets. It woke up at the sound of my scream, jumping up with hackles raised and teeth bared. Piercing green eyes stared up at me as recognition dawned on his face.

"Hi, Mom."

You knew the adoption agency was a little shady, but when they said “special needs” you thought “dyspraxia” or “ms” - not “ork” or “vampire.” Still, you’re a family now, and you’ll find a way to make it work

4K notes · View notes

touchmyspinebookreviews · 6 years ago

Text

Father Figure

Publication Date: April 2, 2018

Genre:

Between the fast-paced New York City, a rural Mississippi town, and a charming Pennsylvania college campus filled with secrets, two young girls learn the consequences of growing up too quickly. Struggling to survive in a claustrophobic, unforgiving world, they embark on a journey to overcome all the pain, disappointment, and horror of their experiences.

Amalia Graeme, abused by her mother for most of her life, longs to escape her desolate hometown, connect with others, and fall in love. Contemplating an impending loss of innocence and conflicting feelings between her boyfriend and the dangerous attraction she’s developed for an older man, Amalia suffers devastating, life-altering tragedies. No matter where she turns, someone or something always steals her hope of finding happiness, protection, and love.

Brianna Porter, a sassy yet angst-ridden teenager raised in New York City, yearns to determine her life’s true purpose, conquer her fear of abandonment, and interpret an intimidating desire for her best friend, Shanelle. All the confusion stems from desperately needing to find the father whom her mother refuses to reveal, but an unexpected discovery of a journal leads Brianna to a shocking revelation about her missing parent. Unfortunately, by casting the net to find him, she’s unleashed a tragic history that was meant to stay buried and might now completely change everyone’s futures.

Through alternating chapters set two decades apart, each girl’s plight unfolds revealing the parallels between their lives and the subsequent collision that is bound to happen. In an emotional story filled with mystery, romance, and suspense, fate intervenes forcing someone to make a dreadful decision that will leave permanent scars.

Add To Goodreads:

Excerpt (Brianna’s Complicated Feelings)

Brianna and Shanelle have been best friends for years, but something more is brewing and Brianna doesn’t know how to handle it. She’s debating whether to sleep with her boyfriend after prom, but finds herself drawn back to a gift.

– James J. Cudney

“What are we gonna do about Doug?” Shanelle grabbed Brianna’s wrist, led her to the bathroom, and situated her on the toilet seat. She opened one of the boxes from the heaviest bag and considered what to do with a few curlers. “He’s gonna push you to sleep with him. Maybe I should show up to protect you. I could taser him if he does anything wrong.” Shanelle rifled through her cosmetics bag pulling out three types of eyeliner. “Choose.”

“Does it matter?”

“If I taser him? Probably not, though that asshole may get turned on. Hell, I might enjoy watching him piss himself from the electric shock.” She freakishly shook her body and feigned surprise after pretending to become incontinent.

“Not Doug, the eyeliner.” Brianna held up the makeup clueless about which color to select. She’d worn very little of her own following in her mother’s footsteps. Less is more is a motto often chanted around their apartment.

“Oh, my lovely little Bree. We’ll make a woman out of you someday.” Shanelle chose the thickest one and applied a generous line around Brianna’s eyes. “I’m jealous of these high cheekbones. They so perfectly shape your face.”

“Umm, thanks.” Brianna, often incapable of accepting praise, glanced at the mirror, then updated Shanelle about the information she discovered on Lenny’s mail in the jazz club. “Maybe I’ve got a new lead, huh?”

“It’s possible. That would be a big help.” Shanelle shrugged her shoulders, then excitedly changed the subject. “Ooh, grab the bag on the floor.”

Brianna tried to reach for it but couldn’t without bending forward. Shanelle’s hand slipped and traced a line of dark black liquid across her cheeks. “Bree, you’re such an awkward mess.”

“Just finish, will you?” Brianna grabbed the bag and shook a small blue box with a white bow. “You bought me something from Tiffany’s?”

“Yeah, even though you don’t deserve it.” Shanelle capped the eyeliner and opened a tray of varying shades of blue eyeshadow. “You need a darker, smokier color to highlight your eyes.”

“You shouldn’t have bought me anything after the way I behaved last night.” Brianna pulled the bow off the box and removed the lid. A pair of diamond teardrop earrings caused her to swoon. “They’re beautiful. You really are amazing.”

Wow, what a read!!! I knew Jay was a hell of a writer but this one really had me up all night and knew how to hit me with all the right feels to continue reading even though I cried like a baby during some scenes. I have to be honest that there is two things that triggered slightly but they were brief things but felt I needed to bring up there is a quick scene where an animal is hurt and their is some abuse that happened to one of the main characters but even though I had a little bit of anxiety for a moment, I still wanted more and I felt more attached to the characters. I became greatly invested in them and I think that the triggers even made me more attached to them because I felt their pain.

I have been through similar experiences with being abused as a child and have experienced other similar things that the characters also experienced. I became attached, the suspense thrilled me, the drama had my heart and mind going through a whirlwind but best of all it also made me smile at times too. I loved Shanelle and Brianna! They were great characters and Mr. Cudney was brilliant at portraying what young girls go through at a time when they are of legal age but still have so much to learn. Shanelle and Brianna’s friendship and the feelings they I had for each other just made me swoon at times. They were just the cutest and I couldn’t get enough of them together. This has to be one of the best books that I have ever read ever! So relatable, so intense, heartbreaking, but a book that is a must read that you definitely don’t want to miss out on! Another thing I want to comment on with concluding is that the way the dual time lines broke down and you have no idea how things all fall into place is brilliant! I can’t wait to see what James Cudney comes out with next!

Big thanks to Reads & Reels & James Cudney for providing me with an eARC in exchange for an honest review and to be able to receive this opportunity.

Available on Amazon and from Creativia

James is my given name; most call me Jay. I grew up on Long Island and currently live in New York City, but I’ve traveled all across the US (and various parts of the world). After college, I spent 15 years working in technology and business operations in the sports, entertainment and media industries. Although I enjoyed my job, I left in 2016 to focus on my passion: telling stories and connecting people through words. My debut novel is ‘Watching Glass Shatter,’ a contemporary fiction family drama with elements of mystery, suspense, humor and romance. To see samples or receive news from my current and upcoming books, please subscribe with your email address at my website: https://jamesjcudney.com

What do I do outside of writing: I’m an avid genealogist (discovered 2K family members going back about 250 years) and cook (I find it so hard to follow a recipe). I love to read; between Goodreads and my blog at https://thisismytruthnow.com, I have over 500 book reviews which will give you a full flavor for my voice and style. On my blog, I started the 365 Daily Challenge, where I post a word each day that has some meaning to me, then converse with everyone about life. There is humor, tears, love, friendship, advice and bloopers. Lots of bloopers where I poke fun at myself all the time. Even my dog has a weekly segment called “Ryder’s Rants” where he complains about me. All these things make up who I am; none of them are very fancy or magnanimous, but they are real and show how I live every day.

A bit of humor: Everything doubles as something else when you live in NYC. For me, it’s the dining room, my favorite space in the apartment, where more than just my cooking is on display! As I look out the windows onto a 12th floor terrace, various parts of nature (trees, bushes, flowers, bugs & animals) inspire me to write. Ryder, my 10-year old shiba inu, usually lays on my feet, growling when I shift positions too many times or when I forget to share my food! Although he’s only 20 pounds, he’s quite strong and pushy. But how else can you pen the best story possible without these things by your side?

Blog | James J. Cudney | Amazon| Twitter

Facebook | Pinterest | Instagram | Goodreads | LinkedIn

R&R Book Tours

Schedule

June 4th

Reads & Reels (Promo) http://www.readsandreels.com

Valerie’s Musings (Review & Interview) http://valeriesmusings76.wordpress.com

Julia’s Picks (Review) http://juliapicks1.wordpress.com

Splashes into Books (Review) http://splashesintobooks.wordpress.com

Bri’s Book Nook (Review) http://brisbooknook.wordpress.com

June 5th

The Scribbling Site (Review) https://thescribblingssite.wordpress.com

Brizzlelass Books (Promo) https://brizzlelassbooks.com/

The Voluptuous Book Diva (Excerpt) http://www.thevoluptuousbookdiva.com/

Jessica Rachow (Review) http://jessicarachow.wordpress.com

The Book Collective (Review) http://thebookcollective.net

June 6th

Kim Knight (Review & Interview) http://kimknightauthor.wordpress.com

Finding Life Through Pain (Review) http://lynnetteok.wordpress.com

Beware of the Reader (Review) http://bewareofthereader.com/

Nesie’s Place (Excerpt) https://nesiesplace.wordpress.com

Run Wright (Review) http://www.runwright.net

June 7th

Audio Killed the Bookmark (Review) http://audiokilledthebookmark.wordpress.com

Jennie Reads (Review) http://jenniereads.wordpress.com

Touch My Spine Book Reviews (Review) https://touchmyspinebookreviews.com

Bobo’s Book Bank (Excerpt) http://bobosbookbank.com

Crystal’s Book World (Review) http://crystalsbookworld.wordpress.com

Dash Fan Book Reviews (Review) https://dashfan81.blogspot.com/

By Hook or By Book (Review) http://cadburypom.WordPress.com

June 8th

Life at 17 (Review) https://lifeat17.wordpress.com

Port Jerricho (Review) http://www.aislynndmerricksson.com

Sinfully Wicked Reviews (Review) https://sinfullywickedbookreviews.com

Globe Flowers Blog (Review) https://globeflower.co.uk

#BlogTour for Father Figure by James J. Cudney Father Figure Publication Date: April 2, 2018 Genre: Between the fast-paced New York City, a rural Mississippi town, and a charming Pennsylvania college campus filled with secrets, two young girls learn the consequences of growing up too quickly.

0 notes

viralhottopics · 8 years ago

Text

Stephen King on Donald Trump: How do such men rise? First as a joke

Hes written novels with eerily similar plotlines but how did Trump become president? The only way to find out: inject a panel of fictional voters with truth serum…

I started thinking Donald Trump might win the presidency in September of 2016. By the end of October, I was almost sure. Thus, when the election night upset happened, I was dismayed, but not particularly surprised. I didnt even think it was much of an upset, in spite of the Huffington Post aggregate poll, which gave Hillary Clinton a 98% chance of winning an example of wishful thinking if ever there were one.

Some of my belief arose from the signage I was seeing. Im from northern New England, and in the run-up to the election I saw hundreds of Trump-Pence signs and bumper stickers, but almost none for Clinton-Kaine. To me this didnt mean there were no Clinton supporters in the houses I passed or the cars ahead of me on Route 302; what it did seem to mean was that the Clinton supporters werent particularly invested. This was not the case with the Trump people, who tended to have billboard-sized signage in their yards and sometimes two stickers on their cars (TRUMP-PENCE on the left; HILLARY IS A CRIMINAL on the right).

Brexit also troubled me. Most of the commentators brushed its importance aside, saying that the issue of whether or not Britain should leave the EU was very different from that of who should become the American president, and besides, British and American voters were very different animals. I agreed with neither assessment, because there was a vibe in the air during most of 2016, a feeling that people were both frightened of the status quo and sick of it. Voters saw a vast and overloaded apple cart lumbering past them. They wanted to upset the motherfucker, and would worry about picking up those spilled apples later. Or just leave them to rot.

Clinton voters were convinced shed win, even if they saw her as a ho-hum candidate at best. Many did not even bother going to the polls, which was a large (and largely unstated) factor in her loss. Trump voters, on the other hand, could not wait to pull those levers. They didnt just want change; they wanted a man on horseback. Trump filled the bill.

I had written about such men before. In The Dead Zone, Greg Stillson is a door-to-door Bible salesman with a gift of gab, a ready wit and the common touch. He is laughed at when he runs for mayor in his small New England town, but he wins. He is laughed at when he runs for the House of Representatives (part of his platform is a promise to rocket Americas trash into outer space), but he wins again. When Johnny Smith, the novels precognitive hero, shakes his hand, he realizes that some day Stillson is going to laugh and joke his way into the White House, where he will start world war three.

Big Jim Rennie in Under The Dome is cut from the same cloth. Hes a car salesman (selling being a key requirement for the successful politician), who is the head selectman in the small town of Chesters Mill, when a dome comes down and cuts the community off from the world. Hes a crook, a cozener and a sociopath, the worst possible choice in a time of crisis, but hes got a folksy, straight-from-the-shoulder delivery that people relate to. The fact that hes incompetent at best and downright malevolent at worst doesnt matter.

Both these stories were written years ago, but Stillson and Rennie bear enough of a resemblance to the current resident of the White House for me to flatter myself I have a country-fair understanding of how such men rise: first as a joke, then as a viable alternative to the status quo, and finally as elected officials who are headstrong, self-centered and inexperienced. Such men do not succeed to high office often, but when they do, the times are always troubled, the candidates in question charismatic, their proposed solutions to complex problems simple, straightforward and impractical. The baggage that should weigh these hucksters down becomes magically light, lifting them over the competition like Carl Fredricksen in the Pixar film Up. Trumps negatives didnt drag him down; on the contrary, they helped get him elected.

I decided to convene six Trump voters to discover how and why all this happened. Because I selected them from the scores of make-believe people always bouncing around in my head (sometimes their chatter is enough to drive me bugshit), I felt perfectly OK feeding them powerful truth serum before officially convening the round table. And because they are fictional my creatures they all agreed to this. They gulped the serum down in Snapple iced tea, and half an hour later we began. My panelists were:

Gary Barker, a construction worker from how fitting Gary, Indiana. Gary from Gary is 41, married with two kids, currently unemployed. Graduated high school, never went to college.

William Russell, from Delray Beach, Florida. William spent his working life as a banker in Albany, New York, and is now retired and living in a gated community. Hes 67, a good amateur golfer, physically fit and mentally sharp. Has been married for more than 40 years, with three grown children and six grandchildren. Holds a bachelors degree from New York University and a graduate degree (in accounting) from the University of Illinois, Chicago.

Felicia Gagnon, from Castle Rock, Maine. Felicia is 25 and the sole employee of the Castle Rock Washateria, where she washes, dries, folds and sometimes delivers. She also serves as the janitor. She is unmarried, no children. Graduated high school, never went to college.

David Allen is a roadie-for-hire in Nashville, almost always employed. Last year he toured with both Little Big Town and Trisha Yearwood. He is 29, divorced, with one child. He makes his support payments regularly. Graduated high school, has two years of college (no degree).

Andrea Sparks is a successful restaurant owner in Flint City, Oklahoma. She is 42, twice divorced, with three children. She has a degree in business administration from the University of Oklahoma. Next year she will be president of the Flint City Chamber of Commerce.

Helen Wiggins is a single mother who lives in McKeesport, Pennsylvania, and works as a nail technician (she prefers this to manicurist). She is 28 years old. Graduated high school, no college.

Although they come from varying walks of life and have attained varying degrees of education, none of these participants was stupid, venal or evil. The reader would do well to remember that they were loaded with potent truth serum, which forced them to say what they actually believe, rather than what they thought might be most palatable to their interlocutor. If you, gentle reader, should be inclined to view any of them with contempt or feel outraged about their comments, youd do well first to look inward and ask what you might say if compelled to give the truth of your feelings, the whole truth, the absolute truth, and nothing but the truth. And, with that caveat, the discussion.

Stephen King Thank you all for coming, and agreeing to participate.

Helen Wiggins You could use a manicure. Your nails are too long. But at least it doesnt look as if you chew them.

William Russell I started one of your books but didnt finish it. Ill never try another one. Youre an awful writer.

King Many critics would agree, but todays subject is politics rather than fiction. To begin, Id like to go around the table and ask each of you when you decided you were going to vote for Donald Trump.

Gary Barker After a couple of debates I knew who I was going for. He [Trump] had nicknames for the other guys that really put them in their places. Lyin Ted, for instance. I hated that guy. He always looked like he wanted to yell, Come to Jesus! And Little Marco. That was my favorite. He [Trump] nailed that sucker. He [Rubio] looked like he was about 13 fuckin years old.

Wiggins Dont forget Crooked Hillary. That was the cutest nickname.

David Allen Right. When they all started yelling, Lock her up! at the convention. I knew then it was going to be a whole new ballgame, and I decided to vote for Trump. But I didnt shoot my mouth off about it. Nashville is in the south, but in the music business there are plenty of bleeding hearts. Not like Hollywood, thank God, but you still have to be careful. I started off saying I hadnt made up my mind when people asked me, then I started saying, Probably Clinton. I never told anyone I was going to vote for Trump. Especially not my ex. She would have torn my balls off.

Russell Trumps a businessman who understands business. Hes going to make them sit on the minimum wage, and hell take off a lot of those stupid banking, business and pollution regulations. Its working already. Just look at the stock market.

Felicia Gagnon Most of my customers at the Washateria were for him, so I decided I was, too. It wasnt just going along with the crowd, either. He always had an answer for everything, and he took no shit. Also, he wants to keep the illegals out. My job isnt much, but it pays the rent. What if some illegal comes along and tells Mr Griffin hes the owner that shell do my job for half the salary? Would that be fair?

Andrea Sparks It wouldnt, it absolutely wouldnt. And I admired him for a comeback he made to Clinton in, I think it was their first debate. She said he paid no taxes, and Trump came right back, said: That makes me smart. I knew right then I was going to vote for him, because taxes are killers. Thats why no one from the middle class can really get ahead. They tax you to death. I am making a little bit of money, but Id be making a lot more if they didnt tax me so badly, and why do they do it? To pay welfare for the illegals Felicia was talking about. The beaners, the darkies and the camel-jockeys. I would never say that if I wasnt full of this truth serum stuff, but Im glad I did. Its a relief. I dont want to be a racist, its not how I was raised, but they make you be one. I work hard for what Ive got, from nine in the morning until midnight, sometimes until one in the morning. And what happens? The government takes the sweat from my brow and gives it to the foreigners. Who shoot it into their arms with dope the drug mules bring up from Mexico.

Barker Amen to that, sister.

Wiggins You know, I was torn at first, but when he hired that guy Pence to be his vice-president, I got on board. He [Pence] was so smart at the debate he had with that other guy. He had an answer for everything.

Gagnon Also handsome, with that nice white hair.

Wiggins Yes, he takes care of himself. Nice haircut, good teeth, beautiful skin. I thought to myself, Trump is on the fat side. If he has a heart attack and dies, Pence can take over. And the guy who ran with Clinton, I cant even remember his name, but he looked like one of those guys at the DMV who, when you finally get to the front of the line, says you filled out the paperwork wrong and sends you home.

[General laughter from the panel.]

Russell Also, theres the matter of the trademark slogans. Do you know what Im talking about?

King Tell me.

Russell Candidates have certain codified positions, which form the basis of the so-called stump speech. In that speech, which is about the same whether its made in Portland, Maine or Portland, Oregon, they make their basic talking points over and over. But they also need a simple summation of what they stand for. Thats conveyed by the trademark slogan, something simple and catchy. Trumps was MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and it was perfect. Contains two words of great power: America and great. Clintons was STRONGER TOGETHER. Vague. Wishy-washy. Forgettable. Stronger than what? Together with whom? It says nothing. The person who thought that up was an idiot, and she was an idiot for using it. Her slogan might as well have been WERE GOING TO DO SOME STUFF.

Sparks Trump was the boss. Clinton was just bossy, and take it from me, nobody likes a bossy woman. As a business person, I have to use a certain amount of tact. She didnt have that.

Allen When she spoke, she kind of brayed.

Gagnon Because she was trying to sound like a man. That may work in New York, but not out where there are real people.

Sparks Whatever, it was like fingernails on a blackboard. If I talked to my waitstaff like that, half of them would quit.

King OK, since were on the subject of Clinton, I want to go around the table and have you give me one word or one short phrase that describes your impression of her. Gary, you havent had much to say, so lets start with you.

Barker Before we get to that, I just want to say that Ive always been attracted to young men on surfboards. This truth serum is whoo.

King Good to know, and thank you for sharing, but how about a word or simple phrase describing your impression of

Barker Bitch. I thought she was a bitch.

King OK. Felicia?

Gagnon Stuck-up. A stuck-up smartypants. She talked down to people.

King William?

Russell Felicias exactly right. Clinton projected arrogance and a sense of entitlement. Riding on Slick Willies coat-tails.

Allen I hated those pantsuits. Like she doesnt think people can figure out shes got a booty. And shes starting to look really old.

Wiggins Is she a lesbian? I heard she was a lesbian.

Sparks I dont care about that, but her bestie was one of those Muslims. You know, the one married to the guy always showing his junk on the internet. Huma Abba-Jabba, or something.

King Id like to discuss two issues that dogged Hillary Clintons campaign

Sparks Can I just say I ate a whole box of chocolate pinwheel cookies last night? Id like to say that. Then I vomited them back up, because I have to stay thin.

King Thank you, Andrea. Now, if I could turn to Clintons involvement if you choose to call it that in the Benghazi attack, where four Americans, including US ambassador J Christopher Stevens, were killed. Did that play a part in your decision not to vote for Clinton?

Allen Is Benghazi in Africa or China?

Russell Actually, its in Libya. Which the Obama administration destabilized by not helping Gaddafi in his time of need. The man was an asshole, but he was our asshole. Pardon my French, ladies.

Barker Putting the bitch factor aside, I dont think you can hold her responsible for what a bunch of ragheads do. They just want to kill Americans for Allah.

King So you dont blame her?

Barker Not for that, Jesus no. Hey, you should see my collection of surfer mags. My wife thinks its the boards Im interested in.

King Just to put a button on this, were any of you influenced by Benghazi when you stepped into the voting booth?

[No responses.]

Illustration: Leonard Beard for the Guardian

King OK, lets move along. There was also a controversy about Clinton sending and receiving emails on an unsecured server. Something like 35,000. Did that influence any of you?

Russell Speaking just for myself, not at all. Hackers can get into any computer, secured or not. Someone phished my American Express card number and got himself over $1,000 worth of equipment at Best Buy. They should bring back the whipping post for people who do that. It would put a stop to the practice in short order.

Allen Billy-boy, you nailed it. Computers these days might as well be screen doors. You see hacking all the time in the music business. And hey, get real. What was the stuff going back and forth, anyway? Recipes, gossip, Ill be here at such-and-such a time, did you see her new purse, shit like that. Give me a break.

Barker Whats this about emails? What are you talking about?

Wiggins Never mind, no biggie.

Gagnon My computer is busted. It was just a cheap one, anyway. I have to buy a new one, but cant afford it just now. Id steal one, but Im scared of getting caught.

King Andrea, what about you?

Sparks I dont care about that chicks emails. What I care about are the taco-benders down the street with their food wagon, cutting into my business. I went to the police, and they said the taco-benders had a permit. How do illegals get a permit to sell food on the street? Tell me that.

Russell Do you have proof they are illegals, Andrea?

Sparks I dont need proof. Those wetbacks are like bedbugs, theyre everywhere. And they breed. I cant wait until Trump builds that wall. The Mexicans say they wont pay for it, but they will, unless they want American tanks in Jurez and Tijuana. You wait and see. Trump takes no shit. I like a man who takes no shit. If my ex-husbands had been more like that, Id never have fired them.

Wiggins You want a scandal? Clintons on the side of the baby-killers, thats a scandal.

Barker Shes also on the side of the gun Puritans. Ive got four firearms, two handguns and two rifles, and nobodys taking those suckers. Nobody.

King Very interesting, Gary, but weve wandered away from the question. Were any of you influenced by the so-called email scandal when you stepped into the voting booth?

[No responses.]

King OK, Id like to move along to

Allen Can I say something else about Hillary?

King Of course, David.

Allen You asked us when we decided to vote for Trump. Ill tell you when I decided I was also gonna vote against her, even though I thought she was basically OK. Smart, even. I dont go along with that bitch stuff, either. I work with women on the road, and even the ones who are bitches hate that word. So I steer clear of it.

Sparks Whats your point, Mr Huffington Post Politically Correct?

Allen You ought to do something about that hair, maam, your dye jobs showing.

Sparks Fuck you.

King If we have that out of the way

Allen I was in Houston on 9/11 last year, OK? Visiting my sister and picking up some bucks working an Eric Church gig. That afternoon, before I had to go on down to the Bayou and start rolling amps, I was in this little place called Spot Mikes, kind of a lunchateria where they also serve beer. The TV was on, and they showed Hillary collapsing after she tried to give a speech, or maybe she did give it, I dont know. But she went legless and the men around her, probably Secret Service, had to help her into the car. It made me think of something my grandad used to say: woman-weak. Thats what she was, woman-weak. Now suppose that happened during a crisis, or something. No, she didnt have any business being the most powerful person in the world.

King Can I point out that George HW Bush vomited during a state dinner in Japan?

Barker I remember that, but he had food poisoning. Her, though, its like Dave said: woman-weak.

Gagnon I heard she had a bunch of strokes and they covered it up.

Russell She and Slick Willie are big-time dopers. Its a known fact. Whereas Trump doesnt even drink.

Wiggins Kind of a fat shit, though, isnt he? Likes his Whoppers.

[General affectionate laughter from the panel.]

King I want to move on to some of the negatives about Trump, and ask why they didnt influence you. Lets start with his alleged ties to Russia. Anyone care to comment?

Gagnon Speaking of influence, do you have any with TV people, Mr King? Id sure like to be on The Price Is Right. Im very good at guessing the prices of things, toasters and such, and Id like a chance at one of those showcases. They have these wonderful trips.

King Im sorry, I dont know anyone who

Russell You have to stand in line, like everyone else. Live with it.

King There have been accusations that Trumps associates have ties to Russia, and that Trump himself may have financial interests in that part of the world. Hes certainly said plenty of complimentary things about Putin. Any feelings on that? Helen? What about you?

Wiggins Whats wrong with making friends of an enemy? Burying the hatchet? Thats what the Bible says.

Allen Like that song, Whats So Funny Bout Peace, Love, And Understanding?

Sparks Totally agree. As for the oil, if theres more, the prices go down. More miles for your buck. No-brainer.

Gagnon Speaking of that, they had one of those electric cars on The Price Is Right just last week. I think it was a Prius, or maybe a

Russell Two strong men working together. I like it. Its good for business.

King Anyone else?

Wiggins Is it lunchtime yet? I dont know if its the serum or what, but I could eat a horse.

Allen I got something you can eat, hon. Not as big as a horse but almost.

King This seems an appropriate time to ask about certain sexual allegations. The famous grab em by the pussy remark, for instance. And how you can do anything if youre famous. Ladies first.

Gagnon How many women do you think have been throwing themselves at him, someone whos rich and handsome?

[General laughter at the word handsome.]

Gagnon Well, he was, anyway, and hes still rich. Nobody talks about women who go sex-fishing for men, tell you that.

Sparks Also, most women in showbusiness are whores, so whats the big deal? Look at the Academy Awards if you dont believe me. Every woman under 30 falling out of her dress. Show a man dessert, honey, hes going to want to eat.

Barker And at least hes not a fag, you know?

Wiggins Men are men, thats all. They all talk big, especially when theyre with other men.

Russell Sure. And let me point out we were electing a president, not a saint.

Allen Exactly. That sex stuff was just the press, trying to sell papers and bring him down while they were at it. Those guys were all for Hillary.

King OK, but suppose the shoe had been on the other foot, and the press had obtained a tape of Hillary talking like that?

Sparks They didnt.

Wiggins Also, its different for women. The um

Russell The perception.

Wiggins Right.

King I believe you have a daughter, Helen

Wiggins Thats right. Patricia. Patty. Shes the best thing in my life. Smart as well as pretty. Gets all As in school. You should see her book reports!

King What if it was her pussy Trump was talking about grabbing?

Wiggins Thats a filthy thing to say. Also stupid. My daughters only nine. Even the New York Times never said Trump goes for kiddies, and they lie about everything.

King Im just saying

Wiggins Well, dont. Save the dirty talk for your books.

King OK, lets move on to Trumps taxes. He wont reveal them.

Allen No law says he has to.

King What if hes hiding something?

Sparks Honey, were all hiding something. Although I will admit Id like to see what sort of fiddles hes using.

[General laughter.]

Barker Actually, I would, too. Hes got a lot of friends in big business, and they all care more about their money than anything else. Goes without saying. That stuff about how he was going to drain the swamp? I never believed it. They drain the swamp, everyone will see how many bodies theyve buried there.

Sparks Not to mention how much buried treasure.

Allen If he does a good job, fuck his tax returns.

Barker Cant argue with that.

Gagnon Besides, rich people dont have to pay like the rest of us, everyone knows that. They have lawyers and accountants to keep them on the right side of the law. They know all the loopholes. Its how the world works. Hes against Obamacare, thats the important thing. That takes more money out of poor peoples pockets than taxes. Its not like the Affordable Care Act. The Republicans did that, and its much better.

King It appeared that he made fun of a reporter with a physical disability shaking and stuttering. Any thoughts on that?

Russell Not relevant.

King It doesnt speak to character?

Russell Of course not. Dont be obtuse.

Allen It wasnt very nice, but the guy pissed him off. Sure, it was politically incorrect, but I thought it was, um

Sparks A breath of fresh air?

Allen Yes. It woke people up. None of the usual politician bullshit. Hannity isnt right about everything, but he sure was about that.

King This would be Sean Hannity, of Fox News?

Allen Correct.

King How many of you got most of your information on the candidates from Fox News?

[Allen, Russell and Sparks raise their hands.]

King What about you, Felicia?

Gagnon I watch Lester Holt. Also Good Morning America.

King Gary?

Barker I read USA Today. They have a little story about Indiana every day, and their sports coverage is terrific. The rest you have to take with a grain of salt, because the coverage was slanted toward Clinton.

Russell What wasnt slanted in the papers was made up of whole cloth. Fake news. The worst offender was the New York Slimes, and they wont let it go.

King I think weve about finished, but Id like to run one more thing by you before we break for lunch. Psychologists mention four basic traits when diagnosing a sociopathic condition known as narcissistic personality disorder. People suffering from this condition believe themselves superior to others, they insist on having the best of everything, they are egocentric and boastful, and they have a tendency to first select love objects, then find them at fault and push them aside. Comments?

[A long silence at the table.]

Russell Whats your point?

Gagnon Are you sure you cant get me on The Price Is Right?