hit the road, jack!
pairing. ex!jack daniels x fem!reader
synopsis. the last time you sat in jack’s infamous bronco, you broke his heart. now, a year later, you’re sitting in it with a mud-stained wedding dress and he’s driving you back to the man you left at the altar. is one night, a thousand miles, and a well-timed car radio enough to remind you of the love you shared?
warnings. road trip au, exes to lovers, runaway bride!reader, mutual pining, miscommunication/no communication, idiots in love, exes in love, minor character death, infidelity, one ( 1 ) comment regarding food restriction, mentions of period, smut ( unprotected piv, dirty talk, sex in public spaces, implied creampie, fairly non-descriptive ) the reader of this fic is mostly non-descript, with mentions of having hair long enough to stick to her neck when wet and hands smaller than jack's.
word count. 14.7k
hyde's input. quick disclaimer that this fic was admittedly better in my head, but i tried my best :') it unfortunately never got to reach it's full potential as my friends dragged me off on an unexpected trip on friday for my birthday (which is today aka the 23rd). because of that, i've not had time to finish the last few scenes as well as i'd hoped to (it's literally 5 am as i'm editing it bc it's the only chance i've had) but i don't want to post this any later as this is my entry to the #SummerLovin'24 event, organised and hosted by @pedgito, @chaotic-mystery & @amanitacowboy , a massive thank you to them for creating such a fun event. i really enjoyed taking part and i can not wait to sink my teeth into the other amazing fics from this event.
if you care to listen, here is a playlist of songs mentioned/featured in the fic.
INTRO — silver springs.
“Time cast a spell on you, but you won’t forget me.”
Stevie Nicks et al chant out of old speakers, a bass blown out over time and an intruding static that demands to play alongside the band. Perched upon the bar counter, they sit adjacent to a cash register that shakes each time it opens, a slam seemingly the only way to close it. The swish of a mop over chequered vinyl flooring and the squeaks of a waitress’ coffee-stained sneakers play to their own tune. The passing of time turns it all to background noise.
Through lunch, through dinner, and two shift changes you’ve survived. Out in the parking lot now sits only a semi-truck, its drivers, two men in scuffed boots and jeans that fray at their seams, the only other customers that remain. One tucks into a Sloppy Joe, the other has fallen asleep against the table, his coffee turning as cold as your own.
You ordered the coffee for nothing more than an excuse to sit a while longer. Time for figuring out what’s next. What you’ll do, where you’ll go, how you’ll get there. The elderly couple who’d been kind enough to take you off the side of the road, moving luggage into the trunk to make space for you in the backseats, are now long gone from the roadside diner.
It wasn’t a sorrowful departure. You were quite happy to see them leave, and take their pitiful glances and unasked questions with them. The looks still linger on in others. Each pair of eyes you’ve encountered, dragging over the expanse of your messed up hair, and your smudged eyes, and your mud-stained gown. It’s not hard to imagine the scenes they play out in their heads, of a bride scorned and abandoned on what was meant to be the happiest day of her life, a day meant for vows and first dances twisted into one of heartbroken wandering and roadside pit-stops.
You wonder if any of them know you’re not the victim, but the aggressor. The one who fled, leaving behind a bouquet of striped carnations, marigolds, and purple hyacinths.
Tires crunch on gravel as a car rolls into the parking lot. Whichever fool sits behind the wheel has their full beams on. A light flickers over your head. It’s been doing so for the past hour, an irritating reflection in the window that steals your attention back into the diner.
The waitress is eyeing you again, a weary look on her face that tells you she wants to approach but doesn’t know how. Maybe she wants to ask if you’re okay, or enquire about the events that led you here, deep in the middle of nowhere. Or maybe she just wants you to close your tab and leave.
The bell above the door rings as it opens. It’s been a while since you heard it do so. A smile comes over the waitress as she greets the newcomer. Her eyes seem to take them in, slowly. From top to bottom, and right back to the top. Innocent, if not a little flirtatious. She’d not looked at either of the truckers that way. Perhaps this is her lover, here to wait about and keep a watchful eye as she works the night shift. You can’t imagine it’s the safest place in the world for a woman to find herself working through the twilight hours, nothing but open road and sky-rise trees surrounding the diner.
A sip from your coffee. It’s as cold as you expected. Bitter too, having not found your voice in time to ask for sugar. Your stomach growls, a plea for a meal. If you’d only stayed at the venue, you’d be full of vanilla frosting, and smoked oysters, and… had it been the coronation chicken or the roast sirloin the wedding planner had gone with in the end? You can’t remember. What you do remember is her unwanted advice: just stick to some light bites, no bride wants a food-baby in her pictures.
In retrospect, you’d disliked her from the moment you met her. But you had no desire to plan a wedding. And no time either, much to your future mother-in-law’s chagrin. So out she’d gone, a cat on the hunt, dragging home some mousy-brown haired wedding planner as a sacrificial lamb. Better it be her than you who stresses over the shade of napkins, and the taste of merlots, and the seating arrangements.
Footsteps thud against the floor. Slow, deliberate, not a stumble in the way they move. You stare back out the window and spy a cowboy hat reflected in it. It belongs to the waitress’ lover, who by now is likely making his way over to pull her in real close and swoon her with a kiss only men blessed by southern charm possess.
A different version of you, a happier version, used to be kissed like that every morning.
“Are you lost, sweetheart?” The voice of a man echoes. Softly spoken, yet loudly heard in the quiet of the diner. In the window, the cowboy hat stands right behind you. You turn slowly, let your eyes dance over its owner. Like a sculpture plucked out of ancient Rome, he’s a fine art only the most delicate hands could shape. He’s brown-eyed affection. He’s an aquiline nose. He’s a well-groomed moustache. He’s Jack. “Think it’s a few miles up north they’re expecting a pretty bride.”
Leather jackets and well-fitted jeans have been traded in for a suit. Simple, classic. White shirt, black tie, a trademark cowboy hat you’d never failed to spot amongst any crowd. There’s a crinkle where a cheeky grin meets eyes framed by full brows and lashes, a scar on his right temple a reminder of the kind of man he is. Dauntless, righteous, brave. An undercover agent, posing as the CFO of one of the largest whiskey distilleries in the world.
An illusion plays out where no time has passed and his is still the face you come home to each night. A lot can change in a year, however, like the bed you sleep in, or the ring upon your finger.
He welcomes himself into the seat across from you. The protective barrier of a water-ring stained table keeps a safe distance between you both, yet you still feel his knee knock against your own as he makes himself comfortable. One arm stretched over the backrest, the other rests against the table and drums a nervous tune with his fingers.
“You’ve worried a lot of people, darliln’,” his gaze studies you. You wonder if it’s the same look he used to give his targets. The thought sours the sweetness of seeing his pretty eyes after all these months. “Runnin’ off like that, not even a hoot or a holler to let your daddy know you’re alright.”
Your dad. He’d slipped off to the bathroom, a kiss to your cheek and a promise he’d be back in time to walk you down the aisle. What must he have thought, rounding the corner to the sight of a bouquet, abandoned a la Cinderella and her glass slipper. Before you stew in guilt for too long, the rest of Jack’s words catch up to you.
He knew you ranaway. That glimpse of a cowboy hat amongst the pews had not been an illusion.
Jack was at the wedding.
“What happened?” His hand seeks you out. Warm as you remember him to be, large enough to engulf your smaller palm in his. “Why’d you run?” You stay quiet. Shrug your shoulders, eventually, and stare down as his thumb brushes over your knuckles. “You gonna give me a proper answer, sweetheart?”
Another shoulder shrug leads Jack to a sigh. There’s a pause in the quiet tension brewing between you, in the shape of the smiling waitress, pen and pad in hand. Her eyes seem to dart between you both, and you can almost hear her wondering who Jack is, if he’s the man you were meant to meet at the end of the aisle. There’d been a time when yes was the only possible answer to such a question.
“A glass of your finest whiskey. Neat, of course. And how ‘bout somethin’ to please a sweet tooth, hm?” His foot bumps yours beneath the table, calling you to look at him. You meet his eyes, watch him raise his brows in question. “Spied a pretty mean lookin’ cherry pie on my way in. That sound good to you, darlin’?” Your mute staring continues. Your stomach takes control, answers him with a disgruntled growl from within. His head turns to the side, laughing, and he nods at the waitress. “Think she’s gonna need a slice of that pie, miss!”
The right to speak returns to you at last, as you watch the glass of liquid caramel be placed down in front of him, head turning to stare out the window, a familiar Bronco sits poorly parked, obnoxious in the way it treads the line of two parking spaces.
“You shouldn’t drink and drive.”
Surprise flashes over his face, but he recovers quickly, untensing his shoulders as he sinks further into the booth. “Didn't order it for me,” he slides the glass of whiskey over to you. “Eat up, drink up. You need it.”
Though it kills you to admit it, the first bite out of the pie feels like heaven in your mouth. Tart, sweet, with pastry so golden it’s as if King Midas baked it under the heat of his own hands. A sip of the whiskey isn’t so great, but you stomach the burn and accept the erasure of nerves it promises. Your eagerness to clear the plate and empty the glass has nothing to do with the approving smile Jack watches you with.
“How did you find me?”
“You doubtin’ my skills?” He’s teasing. You know this. Still, you fall into the trap of a panicked head shake, a cough over the final bite of cherry goodness. “I stopped at a gas station. Runnin’ on an empty in the middle of nowhere ain’t on my list of wants, you see. Overheard two kids talkin’ about some bride sittin’ at a dinner a few miles down. Don’t take no Hercule Poirot to figure it was you”
“Oh.”
You shouldn’t feel disappointed by his answer, there’s no reason a man you hurt so deeply would have any vested interest in finding you.
The last you’d seen of Jack was through your car’s rear-view mirror, his tear stricken face watching you drive away, five years of clothes, and shoes, and memories stuffed into your car. He’d begged you not to leave your shared home; offered to sleep in the spare room, give you both time to work things out between you. You’d been the one to declare it useless.
“This isn’t something we can fix, Jack!”
“But, darlin’, I love you.”
“A happy coincidence, I was lookin’ for ya anyway. You gonna tell me what’s goin’ on inside that head of yours yet?” At least this time your mute stare is paired with a head shake. “Look, I mean well when I say this, but darlin’, you’re lookin’ a mighty mess. Now, a pretty mess that may be, but a mess all the same.” His hand is back on yours, squeezing with enough strength to ground you and keep you from floating off into the landscape of your own conflicted mind. “So here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna take a trip to the gents, then I’m gonna square up whatever we owe this fine establishment, and then we’re gettin’ that pretty caboose of yours up'n out of here.”
Frozen where you sit, it takes a few moments for the warmth of whiskey to settle in your bones, lurching you forward when it does, a gasp and a tight grip at his wrist, holding him back before he can stroll away from the table.
“Where are we going?”
“For a drive, sweetheart.”
TRACK 1 — vienna
You and Jack are no strangers to a late night drive.
An entire love story, told within the confines of four wheels and a chassis. The very night you met, you wound up in his passenger seat, arms up in the air and the wind blowing through your hair, the charming cowboy next to you taking every joyful laugh as a plea to go faster, nothing ahead but the open road and a southern voice crooning out of the radio. Too lost in your own head, that’s what he’d claimed you to be, having strolled up to a lonely-you in a crowded bar, lamenting over a glass of bitter white wine, freshly fired and with no real clue of what you were going to do next. Never one to entertain a stranger, you’d tried to brush him off, but he flashed that smile and invited you, so tenderly as the intro to a Bruce Springsteen song began to play, to just give him one dance.
One dance led to unimaginable love.
As time passed, a relationship burst into full bloom, the imprint of you carved into the car’s leather. Jack insisted you grow accustomed to the life of a passenger princess. He picked you up from work, drove you to all your girls’ night outs, sacrificed hours of necessary sleep to drop you at airports, and train stations, and whatever other public transport your work trips demanded you to travel upon. But how could you dream of saying no when you got to ogle the view of him, one hand on the wheel, the other on your thigh, effortlessly manoeuvring his beloved vehicle.
The car came on couples' vacations, too, road trip getaways. Up north, past the Canadian borders, and down south to the skyline of Mexico City. Out west, a trail up to the Grand Canyon, the Empire State Building in the east. But the late night drives, those were your favourite. Times when life felt too much, with work stressing you out, or your parents giving you grief, or a stress headache gnawing away at your remaining sanity, Jack would tug you wordlessly out into the driveway, buckle your seatbelt, and drive off into the night. Roof down, radio on, the cool breeze clearing your mind.
The only breeze you feel now blows in through an open window.
Pulling away from the diner, Jack turned the wheels south, out into the dark of the night. Trees wall the road in, a never ending sea of pine-green lit by headlights, the looming presence of a dark, dangerous, rumbling sky above. A storm brews ahead, awaiting the perfect moment to crack open and drop a downpour on the world. Little words have been exchanged between you, most of them spoken by Jack, as he tells you about the nightmare he had checking in at his hotel, and the difficulty he had finding the venue, and just how beautiful you look in your dress, tears tracks and messy hair aside. Softly playing over the radio, Billy Joel seems to speak to you, pleading that you slow down, you crazy child.
“D’you remember our trip to Vienna?”
Your head snaps over to Jack. His eyes remain on the road ahead, and a part of you is thankful, unsure of how you’d fare gazing into them as melancholy tangles itself in their shades of brown. The other part misses how it used to feel to catch him watching you from the driver’s seat, affection incarnate as his loving gaze burned heat into your cheeks, your own voice pleading him to pay attention to the road, the light’s already green, Jack!
“How could I forget you almost getting us kicked out of Saint Peter’s church?”
“Hey, now darlin’, let’s not start playin’ the blame game!” His head turns once in your direction, a teasing smile splashed upon his rosy lips. You try not to think about how you’ve felt that very smile pressed against your mouth, memorised the shape of it so perfectly you could draw it with your eyes shut. “You knew what you were doin’ wearin’ that pretty little sundress.”
The dress in question had been a purposeful attack, an attempt at getting payback for the night prior, in which Jack found pleasure in reducing you to tears, begging for release hour after hour, after hour of edging touches. Never the best at putting up a fight against his pouting lips, pleading eyes, and filthy tongue, you’d caved into his hands the moment they skimmed their way up the length of your thigh, the watchful eyes of any Lord above be damned.
“I still dream of the garden’s at Schönbrunn Palace,” a sigh floats out of you as your brain hits play on a kaleidoscope of memories of strolling the grounds, hand in hand with a man you’d imagined yourself being with for the rest of your life.
If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes? He’d asked, as you watched a couple get engaged before your very eyes.
Promise me we’ll get married here, and I’ll consider it.
“I still have nightmares of the boat.”
“The boat!” The patterns in the kaleidoscope shift into images of a viennan skyline reflected upon glassy waters, a city cruise dragging you down the canal. “I still can’t believe you fell off it!”
“I jumped.”
“Backwards? Just admit it, you fell into that water!”
“I jumped, to make you laugh!”
“Oh, don’t worry, me and the coast guard were definitely laughing!”
A silence settles between you both. Jack drums his fingers along to the closing notes of the song, your foot does the same. It crosses your mind that this, in itself, may very well be a dream. Sitting back in the Bronco, staring over at Jack as he drives you both into the aimless night. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s visited your dreams.
You watch him inhale, deeply. With a blink, his eyes reflect the moonlight, glassy with unfallen tears, the image of him too beautiful to be fiction.
“Sometimes I wish we’d never left Vienna.”
His words cut you deep, the sorrow he speaks them with cuts you deeper. Barely a week back in your own home, suitcases still unpacked, pulling into the driveway hours after the unexpected funeral of a friend, you broke both your hearts.
All that goes up must come down and, in the very same place your relationship started, it ended. Sat across from him, rain beating down on the windows, tears trailing down your face. He begged you to stop before those words came out of your mouth, tried his best to switch the engine back on and pull out into the road. You’re just stressed, darlin’, he’d said, a deceptive whine in his voice cracking his straight-faced facade. Just need to clear your head, right? Lemme take ya for a drive. It was too late, your own hand curling back around the handle and forcing the door open, the water from outside flooding in. I’m sorry, I can’t be with you. Not anymore.
“Yeah,” you exhale, shaky. Swallowed emotions, a tight lipped smile, eyes that search for sanctuary out the window. “Me too.”
In the wing-mirror, lighting crashes amidst the sea of pine-green.
TRACK 2 — purple rain
A perfect summer’s storm.
Mother nature’s mid-June release of pent-up heat, making space amongst the skies for what’s yet to come in the scorching months of July and August, the last of any rain to be seen until September brings back the sombre skies and cooler weather. The rain falls heavily, a persistent thump-thump-thump of water that bounces off the car’s roof, bonnet, windows. In the sky, thunder roars an angry sound, each one louder than the last, followed by an even brighter flash of lighting that electrifies its surroundings, turning the black night into shades of violet, and midnight, and indigo, and purple.
“You’ve not bought any new albums? None at all?” The question comes as you flip through Jack’s collection of discs, a notable lack of change in his roster since the last time you’d sat in his car.
This lack of change is likely not without good reason, like the lack of time to go CD hunting between secret missions to save the world, or a general lack of interest in newer records. He’s always been a fan of the old fashion, after all, the home you’d once shared made up of collections of vintage whiskeys, and classic records, and faded wallpaper that he convinced you gave the kitchen charm.
“Nothin’ new since…” His eyes shift over your way, the look in them enough to wordlessly end his sentence. “You were always the one buyin’ me music. Said you didn’t want me get-”
“Getting bored on missions,” impulse seems to be what forces you to speak, an honest smile sent his way. “I remember.”
It had been a while into your relationship, with i-love-yous and apartment keys exchanged, until the truth of Jack’s job came up.
On your first date, he’d told you he was a businessman. A few dates later, he specified that he was an investor, dipping his fingers into the honey jar of some classically Texa whiskey distillery. Only a half lie, and not one that was hard to believe. Every fibre of his being, stitches and loose threads included, made sense as a man in the business of selling whiskey. The overzealous amount of Statesman whiskeys occupying the shelves in his apartment, the photos he’d send of the view from his high-rise office, the endless number of suits and ties that occupied his wardrobe, even his damn name, Jack Daniels.
Then, out came the truth.
A phone call from one of Jack’s co-workers, Ginger, lasting no more than five minutes and of which only three words mattered: Jack’s been shot.
A bullet through his head. Any ordinary man would have died. Yet there was your Jack, eyes open, a measly bandage over his temple, and standing up-right. To your own credit, you managed to keep a grasp on your sanity long enough to drive him home, cook him dinner, and sit yourself down across from him at the table. But when he pricked his finger on the tip of his knife, the rivulet of blood dripping down his finger was enough to send you over the edge. Open mouthed sobs, hands clinging to him the instant he sank down on his knees at your side, tears staining every inch of his white cotton t-shirt.
You could’ve died, Jack.
Now how could I go dyin’, when I got such a pretty reason to live for?
You begged with questions, he promised with answers. Hands intertwining with your own, a gentle voice guiding you out the apartment, the soft slam of a car door closing. He turned the key in the ignition, pulled your hand up to his mouth for a kiss, and drove you both off into the night. Under the melodic fall of rain beating down on the car, you came to terms with three facts: Jack was involved in the business of selling whiskey; Jack was otherwise known as agent Whiskey, esteemed senior agent to the Statesmen secret intelligence agency; and Jack was not often shot- at least not in the head.
Arriving home that night, with the rain falling heavy on your front lawn, you’d tried your best to dash from the car and into the house but Jack had other plans. He’d gripped your hand, and pulled you close, and kissed you under the flash of lighting. And when you dared whine that your clothes were soaked, he held you tighter and let himself guide your body into a gentle sway, two lovers under the moonlight and the storm. That night had ended with a fatal promise from Jack, your limbs entangled upon a shared bed, his lips pressing into your forehead.
I promise I’ll always come home to you safe.
“Don’t need no discs anyway, already got all I need right here,” Jack’s impeccable timing, seemingly sensing the shift in your demeanour. It’s like he knows what you’re thinking about, and trying to drag you out of the past and back to the present, his fingers stretching over to turn the volume up. A familiar set of haunting chords plays over the radio, a grin instantly appearing on his face. “Shit, they even got Princ-”
“Stop the car.”
“Huh?”
“Just pull over, Jack!”
Despite the confusion, he abides by your words, foot pressing down on the break, hands steering the wheels off-road, fingers switch the car off. Without the hum of the engine, the rainfall grows louder, the view out the windscreen suddenly blocked behind a wall of flowing water. The radio plays on, the voice of an angel singing lyrics that so aptly match the purple shades painted across the sky by the storm above. There’s a cautious echo of your name, and, for a moment, it’s easy to forget this is the first time you’ve heard him actually say it in over a year. It feels like just yesterday he was calling out to you, begging with solutions you weren’t willing to give.
Your heart beats with a longing to escape your chest, hard and steady against the cage that is your ribs. Your eyes fill with emotions from the past and of the present, as every version of yourself that’s sat within this car comes together as one. Your hand curls around the silver grip of the door, pulling it open and lunging yourself out into the pouring rain.
Under the storm's wrath, you’re reborn. Baptised by mother nature, a soul cleansed of all its prior troubles, returned to you brand new and free of heartbreak. As the rain soaks your face, your neck, your dress, it washes all the pain away. Breathing easy, head tilted back, eyes closed. It's the feeling of being alive, an anomalous euphoria found only beneath a thunderous sky. The tears that dare fall here mean little, a known comfort that they’ll mix with the rain and be swept away.
Enthralled under the moonlight and barefoot, you drift on through the trees that line these woods, chasing the sweet promise of petrichor. You’re unsure if it comes from the sky, or the trees, or Jack, but something calls your name. A fallen tree trunk becomes your own personal tightrope as you dance over the length of it, one careful foot in front of the other, arms stretched out to the heavens above. All it takes is one misplaced step and you lose your footing, slipping over moss and bracing for impact that never arrives.
“Heaven to Betsy, darlin’!” Jack’s hands, warm as a summer breeze, catch you by the waist, your shoulder socking him square in the face as you fall back into his figure. He makes no complaint of pain, taking it like a champ and placing you back down on steady ground, upon unsteady feet. “Did’ya sneak a few extra whiskeys when I was takin’ a leak?”
You open your mouth to reply, to deny, but the rain comes to a stop, and the thunder no longer rumbles, and the moonlight breaks through the parting blanket of clouds, and you’re suddenly so aware of how close you both are.
Like his hands, do his lips still feel the same? Soft as a feather, pillowy as a cloud, as sweet as a peach? It’s not something a married woman should be thinking about another man, about the man another version of her had loved.
But you’re not a married woman, are you?
Wet to the bone, it's as if your wedding dress has shrunk, possessive linen meant to warn you away from leaning forward till your face meets his.
“Careful where you point those eyes, sweetheart. Don’t go givin’ me a reason to make a dishonest woman out of you.” His warning only makes you want to lean in more, test just how dishonest he’s willing to make you, in a dress you wore for another man, upon a forest floor covered by moss, and mud, and rainfall.
He’s stepping back and holding out his hand before you can even try, saving you the trouble of mixing up your head even more.
Careful steps back to his car, where the radio plays on as Prince’s voice slowly fades out. The headlights are back on, the key sits in the ignition, and you half wonder just how quickly he chased after you, abandoning his precious car so carelessly at the side of a darkened country road, free for any Tom, Bill, or Sally to claim for themselves.
“You’re lucky I got spare clothes in the back,” Jack’s voice echoes out from where he stands, bent at the waist, and rummaging through the floor of the back seats. You want to think he’s not going this on purpose, putting himself on display so obviously, but it feels easier on your conscience to blame him for your own inability to stray your eyes away from how snugly the soaked dress pants hug his behind. “Ain’t no hope in hell I’d let you in my car, all drippin’ wet.”
“You never used to complain about me being wet in your car.”
It’s a quickfire response, the kind you don’t quite get the chance to think over before you say it. Though it may shock your own ears to hear, it seems to shock poor Jack more, the smack with which his head hits against the car’s roof loud enough that you almost feel it in your skull.
You rush over to his side, dress dragging through more mud, and more leaves, and more broken gravel. No chance to even rest your hand upon his arm, Jack’s already pulled himself out the car to face you, a splash of pink brewing across his cheeks and a hand soothing over the back of his head. In the backseats, his hat lays abandoned, knocked off in the commotion.
“Can’t just be sayin’ things like that, darlin’,” he says as he holds out a change of clothes for you, smugness in his voice yet a shake in his hand. “Not unless you’re tryin’ to give old Jack over here a heart attack.”
In silence, you both turn your back on each other. Jack does so in spare of your modesty, and you, in search of someplace dry to lay down his clothes. You do so upon the passenger seat, hands immediately contorting every manner of way they can to reach the dress’ buttons that span down the length of your spine, each more finicky than the last. You manage to free only two, in the very centre, before you sigh and wonder if the entrapment you feel in the white gown could get any more literal than this.
“Jack,” it only feels right to seek out his aid, you tell yourself, the sooner the buttons are undone, the sooner the dress will be off, the sooner you’ll be changed, and the sooner you’ll both get back on the road again, destination unknown. It only makes sense, really, so who could blame you when you say, “come help me out my dress.”
No reply comes your way.
At first, you think he’s not heard you. Then, you worry that he has, and is choosing to ignore such a request, thinking it best he keeps his hands away from any act that involves undressing you. Then, fear that you’ve given him that heart attack after all. Fingers brush wet hair off your shoulders before you can turn to check on the cowboy.
Cicadas scream out into the night, and some faceless host rants over the car radio about the rising conspiracy theory of spycams in childrens’ toys, and your heart beats louder than any set of drums could ever hope, but all you can hear is the steady breaths Jack pulls in and blows out behind you, so close you feel each exhale brush your skin. His fingers do so too, with each button they pop loose, each inch of skin he reveals.
Before you can ask him to touch you with more than just his mouth and breath, his own voice fills your ears.
“I used to dream about doin’ this someday.”
“I think we both know this isn’t the first time you’ve gotten a girl out her dress, Jack.”
“Is your mind ever anywhere but the damn gutter?” A pinch delivered against your left side, a chastising tsk accompanying his words. “I meant that I dreamt about this, me helpin’ you take your weddin’ dress off.”
There’s an audible hitch in your breath, one that perfectly tells Jack everything your own voice seems to fail to. Air stings at your eyes, yet you refuse to blink, too aware of the tears building within them. His warm hands dance back up your spine as the final button is loosened, tracing slowly over skin he’d once memorised, a missionary returning to the land it once knew.
Your dress falls to the floor.
“‘Course I never thought I’d be doin’ it on the side of the road, but beggars can’t be choosers.”
TRACK 3 — lover you should’ve come over
“Wait, are these pyjama pants?”
The realisation dawns upon you twenty minutes after you hit the road again. Confined to the small space of the Bronco with little to look at— besides Jack, his clothes still damp and smelling of summer rain, a towel laid over his seat— you’ve resorted to the finer details, picking apart the scraps of clothing he’d handed you. A plain white t-shirt that, when paired with one of his tight-fitting jeans and a corduroy-lined leather bomber jacket, becomes a Jack Daniels staple. You find it best to ignore how it smells of campfire, and sweat, and the cologne you’d bought Jack on your last anniversary. He’s paired it with a pair of blue chequered pyjama pants, loose-fitting yet tied securely around your waist by a fraying draw-string.
“Took myself and the old gal up to Alaska a few weeks back, chasin’ after a view of the Northern Lights.” There’s a flash of something hot, bright, green as you register his words, myself and the old gal, tamed and dampened only when you remember that’s what Jack calls the Bronco, his old gal. “I was livin’ out my car the whole trip, figured it was easier than trynna find some inn out in the middle of the Alaskan woods. In fact, if you check down there, pretty sure you’ll find some uneaten energy bars I packed for the trip.”
He seems to point aimlessly down at a space around your legs, hand back on the wheel and guiding the wheels around a harsh bend before you can truly pinpoint what he’s referring to. You settle on the glove compartment, sitting upright and reaching a hand out to pop it open.
Then you remember what it houses, the weapons Jack carries in there. The lasso, the whip, the pistol, the bullets. A sickness burns your throat, your eyes unable to even glance down at the opened compartment, instead searching for Jack’s own eyes that stare back with equal amounts of surprise.
“I forgot those were in there.” He steals the words right out your own mouth, a nervous chuckle following them. You’d known to never touch the dreaded compartment, for your own sake, too eager to forget about the parts of him that made him an agent, the parts of him that put him in danger. “You can read ‘em, if you want. They were written for you anyway.”
Confusion floods the soul, curiosity winning over survival and dictating that you muster the courage to turn your head, take a peak at what sits inside the glove box. When you do look, you find there’s no whip nor pistol, no piece of Agent Whiskey in sight. What is there are the energy bars he’d promised, a hiking guidebook of sorts, a map, and a stack of wrinkled envelopes.
One glance back at Jack, he encourages you to take them with a nod, and so, you do. Feel the weight of them all in your hands, do your best to not drop any as you pull them out onto your lap. They scatter all over you, each a different shade of white, unopened and all sporting a red return to sender stamp. All appear addressed to the same place, and it takes only a moment of wondering why it seems so familiar for you to realise.
It’s your old address.
“They’re all labelled with dates, I wrote the first one a few weeks after you left. Wasn’t sure where you’d moved to, I figured there was a chance you’d gone back to your old place. I never forgot about how much you loved that apartment,” he says, and you did. Leaving it behind had been hard, the first real home you’d made for yourself since moving out of your parent’s place, the first space you made your own in the world. The idea of making a new space with Jack, a place you could build together, share together, had outweighed the pain of saying goodbye to your little one-bed apartment. “Wrote the second one because you didn’t reply, and I was missin’ you. Then I just kept writin’ em, and sendin’ em, and waitin’ on you writin’ back, even if just to tell me to get lost. I got a note back, along with the letters, but it wasn’t from you. Some older couple moved in to your old place, told me they’d been keepin’ em all safe incase you ever came round to collect your old mail, but they figured it was time I stopped writin’ to a ghost.”
Attentive to his every word, you search for the letter with the earliest date. Sent two weeks after things ended, with a colourful stamp and a seal that’s slightly opened at the edges, the glue’s hold loosening with time and neglect. You tear it open completely and unfold the sheets of paper found within, eyes drawn immediately three quarters down the page.
I saw our friends tonight for the first time since you left. They asked how you’re doing and where you were. I thought they were just being cruel at first but no, they didn’t know about the break up. I told them you weren’t feeling well, that you decided to stay home tonight. I guess I just wanted one more night where you were still mine, even if it was just in the eyes of our friends. I will tell the truth next time I see them.
You feel as though you’re invading his privacy, reading over words he’d written months ago, despite being the intended audience. That doesn’t mean you have the willpower to stop, however, eyes diving deeper down the page.
Or maybe I won’t have to tell them. Maybe, next time I see them, you’ll have come home. There’s still a chance for us. I believe it because I love you. You said this wasn’t something we can fix. I think you’re wrong. There’s never been an issue we couldn’t solve by talking it through, why should this one be any different? Let’s get coffee, darling. Our usual place, our usual time, next Tuesday. We can get through this, you just have to let me know it’s something you want, that I’m something you still want.
Jack’s quiet in the driver’s seat, forgiving with the time he gives you to read over his letters. When the turning of pages and the ripping of envelopes rings too heavy in the car, your shoulders tensing up in a discomfort of disrupting the peaceful silence, he wordlessly turns the radio back up and the voice of Jeff Buckley greets you both.
You return to his letters, the second he’d sent already open in your palm.
I went to our usual spot. You never showed up. Your lack of reply to my letter should have been enough to tell me that, but I still had hope. Maybe I really am a fool. Our friends seem to think so. I told them about us and they immediately asked what I’d done wrong. There was no answer I could give them. The worst thing isn’t just that I’ve lost you, it’s that I don’t even know why.
You open the next envelope, and the next one, and the next one, paragraphs melting together into a heartbroken shape.
I tried to sleep in our bed. I lasted half an hour before crawling back to the guest room. Our room just feels too empty without you. I smell you everywhere no matter how many new sheets I buy.
Eggsy and Tilde got married. It’s the first wedding I’ve been to without you. I’m doing a lot of firsts without you recently. I hate it. Our friends (am I wrong to call them our friends? I’m not ready to just call them mine) tried setting me up with someone new. They showed me a picture and she’s beautiful, but I just kept comparing her to you. Against your beauty, she’s nothing.
Your mother was at the Statesman ground tour today. I was surprised to see her, she already done the tour years ago. I tried not to talk about you too much, I didn’t want her knowing how desperate I am to hear about you. Congratulations on your promotion, I always knew you’d get it. I’m so proud of you for finally applying for it. I heard you’ve started seeing somebody, a veteran turned mechanic. Your mother was kind enough to give me his name. I hope you understand that I don’t want to invade your privacy but I had to make sure you’re safe. The guy’s got a clean slate, other than a sketchy trip down to South America with some other vets. He seems like a good man. I want you to get your happy ending. Are you happy? I’m not.
Only one envelope remains unopened. The weight of it sits heavy in your lap, a fear settling in that has you not wanting to open it. You study the front of it, find out it was mailed three months ago. The radio moves in sync with you, it seems, the song that plays reaching its climatic moment at the same time as you do, tearing open the final letter. Next to you, Jack clears his throat and wrings his hands over the steering wheel.
This last one, you read the letter in full.
Darling girl,
Spring came faster this year. The daffodils you planted bloomed in early March. I’ve been tending to the garden, I know how much love you put into it. The flowers are coming up alright, the fruit and vegetables not so much. If only I had your green thumb.
I visited Tequila last week. I don’t know if it’s right to call him that anymore. Champ’s still not named his successor, part of me thinks he wants to retire it. That’s not what Tequila would’ve wanted. He would’ve wanted Ginger taking on the mantle. The grounds he’s on are beautiful, if not sombre. They overlook a lake, and the grass is cut everyday, and the sun shines on his grave from sunrise to sunset. I didn’t say much to him, just sat and enjoyed the view. Thought about a lot of things, and finally realised why you left.
You were scared. For me. I thought you were being selfish, breaking my heart like that, but I finally understand how awful that day must’ve been for you. We’d just buried my comrade, our friend, and you had to watch Tequila’s wife say her last goodbye, knowing it was almost me in that casket and you on the podium. That was my mission he went on, I could’ve been the one who didn’t come home to the woman I love.
I’m sorry I took so long to understand. I retired from my position at Statesman. I’m agent Whiskey no more. I’m coming to find you, and hope you give me one last real try at fixing us.
Love always,
your Jack.
“Your wedding invitation found me first,” Jack says, foot off the accelerator, eyes off the road, hands on the wheel.
The weight of his stare drags down to your lap, where the heap of papers now all sit, piled atop one another and rustling with every movement you make. Your own eyes have welled with tears that slip down the apples of your cheeks and splash the papers below, smudging the ink.
The confirmation of his invite knocks out the questions of how he wound up in the pews.
“I didn’t invite you,” you’re unsure if the truth is crueller than fiction. No part of you wants him to think you’d be so spiteful, so hurtful as to invite him to a day you’d once promised to share together. “I didn’t invite anyone. I was… busy, with work. My mom dealt with the invites, she must’ve written you down by accident.”
Your lips may be the ones to say it, but your own ears struggle to believe. Your mother’s always been a meticulous woman, practical, with her affairs eternally in order. The only mistakes she makes are the ones she means to.
“Yeah,” Jack sighs out from the driver’s seat, resignation in his voice. “I figured you didn’t invite me.”
TRACK 4 — 50 ways to leave your lover
Jack drives deeper into the night.
Out the car window, you watch as the world flies by, a blur of unlit trees and unmarked road signs. Earlier’s storm has rolled away and revealed the blanket of stars above, twinkling alongside a full moon. The road is long, and winding, and seemingly never ending. There’s no discussion of destination, no sanctuary you’re waiting to reach. You feel no urgency for it, either. So long as you sit right where you are, passenger in a car, you don’t have to take the wheel, you don’t have to choose where to go, or what to do. You can just exist within this liminal space, where no wedding lies in the balance and no hearts lay broken.
It’s just you and Jack, like the old days, going for a drive.
“Ask me,” permission comes off your tongue as you observe the driver and his less than subtle glances your way. “I can see the wheels turning in your head. Everything you wanted to know in the diner, I promise I’ll answer this time.”
“I guess I’m tryin’ to put myself in your shoes, figure out what was runnin’ through that pretty head of yours,” Jack is, at his core, a gentleman. For hours, he’s let you sit beside him, biting his own tongue and fighting back his own curiosity, a trait so vital to his existence it led him into a world of spies, and guns, and movie-esque kinds of evil. Even now, with your promised approval, he eases his way into his questioning, the part of him that knows you better than your own self dictating that this is something he must address with care. “How’d you do it?”
“I just slipped out the back, Jack,” there’s a chuckle of sorts that welcomes itself out the depths of Jack’s chest, your choice of words going hand in hand with that of the Paul Simon record reaching its end over the radio. As quick as the humour appears, it goes, leaving nothing but the unfortunate reality of the situation. “Someone left a door open, it led out onto the back gardens. The further away I got, the faster I started to run. I made it all the way past the highway on foot before an older couple pulled over. They dropped me off at a diner, and that’s where I stayed until-”
“Until I found you,” it’s a reminder you shouldn’t want, the image of Jack setting off to find you in the midst of the commotion of a missing bride. It’s not healthy for your poor psyche, already at odds with what it wants, no need for further complications brought on by unresolved feelings. You can’t help but smile at him, however, no filter strong enough to cover your subconscious’ joy. “Why did you run away?”
Your smile fades.
The promise you made is already at threat of being broken. You thought there’d be more questions, more time until he hit you with the heaviest of them all.
Why did you run away?
You know the answer. Of course you’ve known the answer, from the moment you decided to turn on your heel and sprint down the halls, in search of an escape. As much as you can pretend otherwise, and feign naivete, you can’t change the truth. That doesn’t mean you’re ready to admit it out loud, and so you refute it with a question of your own: “Why did you come to the wedding?”
It would be easy to forgive Jack for getting irate when faced with your avoidant response. He doesn’t even acknowledge it. Instead, he spins the steering wheel and shoots you a smile, the kind that used to keep you warm at night.
“I wasn’t goin’ to come at first,” comes his admittance. You can’t say you blame him, really, a picture of yourself in his shoes, receiving an invite to his wedding. The thought conjures a painful throb from your heart. “Nearly tossed the damn thing into the fireplace when I got it. A few weeks later, I met with Champ for a drink. Drank myself blind, till I started tellin’ him all about the invite. He told me I had to come.”
A lift of your eyebrows, a snap of your head towards him. There’s a desire to have his full attention on you. There’s also the awareness that the road acts as a buffer for the tensing heartache that swells and lulls between you, each exchange of words a game of painful chess. You make the choice to bring forth a pawn this once, a simple why?
“He said I’ve been livin’ with life on pause since you left, maybe watchin’ you marry another man would be the thing to help me hit play at last.”
INTERLUDE — go your own way
Like tires upon gravel, time rolls on.
No matter how easy it is to forget about the world outside, look out the window and pretend you’re simply on a train, trapped in a constant onward motion, there’s no ignoring the orange glow that begins to grow on the horizon, nor the red lights on the car radio that read 05:38. A new day grows fast upon you and, where you remain mute to it, Jack can not allow the fantasy to go on any longer.
The tires screech against the gravel and everything comes to a stop.
“Thinkin’ time’s up, sweetheart,” his hands retreat from the wheel, finding purchase on his thighs. You try not to follow their descent over the tailored suit, try not to think about the thick muscles that sit hidden beneath the black trousers. It’s not your place to think about them anymore. “Where are you goin’?”
Decision has never been something you’ve struggled with, much less when the choices are so simple and limited. Either you go back to the wedding venue, and meet whatever fate awaits you of scornful mothers, and disappointed fathers, and abandoned fiances. Or, you can go anywhere.
You make a mistake, let your mind wander to places it shouldn’t, and end up asking yourself where will Jack go. He still lives in the home you once shared, this you know. Will he go there, pour himself a drink, and try to forget this night even happened?
You can still picture it all. The coffee table Jack hand-carved, both your initials engraved on the side. The picture frames all along the wall, a mural of memories shared between you. The matching set of mugs, eternally sitting on the drying board, waiting for Jack to stagger his way down the stairs and fill them with boiling coffee. If you walked through that door again, would you find everything just the way you left it? Or, has he gotten a new table, changed the pictures in the frames, bought new mugs? Is there someone there, right now, sleeping in his bed and waiting on his return?
A bitter taste overcomes your tongue at the thought, your insides twisting up like you’ve not spent the past few months sleeping next to someone else and saying yes to proposals you weren’t expecting.
“What do you think I should do?” You don’t want him to tell you to go home, you want him to say come home.
“You can’t ask that of me. My answer’s gonna be nothin’ but selfish.” Would it really be so bad, you wish to ask, if Jack was selfish? Maybe life would be easier if he was. He clears his throat, like he clears his mind, and gone is your moment to tell him you want selfish. “I can say this, though… Your fiance’s a good man, a kind man. Kind enough to trust your parents words and let me, a stranger, go searchin’ for you. He deserves to know what decision you make. It ain’t just your weddin’, it’s his too.”
He’s right, and you hate it.
There’s no way you can tell him now that you were even contemplating not going back, of disappearing into the sunrise with him, driving till life leads you down the right roads to find a new home, your old home, Jack.
The muddied wedding dress seems to call to you from the car boot, a whispering of your name that tells you to put it back on, go back, and walk down that aisle. You owe that much to your fiance, if he’ll still have you. With him, you’ve never had to worry about him coming home safe. With him, you could live a happy enough life, keep yourself busy enough to ignore all the what-ifs your mind would try seduce you with.
Besides, that’s what Jack needs, right? To see you marry another man, a final nail in the coffin named us, so he can finally move on with his life. You owe him that much, at least.
With a nod of your head and the straightening of your spine, you set your choice in stone, “drive me back to him, Jack.”
The engine shudders to life and the radio sets itself back on course, some upbeat voice that demands you go your own way, a musical slap delivered upon your face. Jack turns the steering wheel, rerouting the car’s course with an effortless u-turn before he presses down on the accelerator, propelling you forward down the paths you’ve already travelled.
You tell yourself you’re doing the right thing, even if a familiar dread starts to settle in the pit of your stomach, brushing them off as rational nerves. Who wouldn’t be anxious when facing a man they left at the altar?
A yawn escapes you.
“We’re a few hours out from the chateau.” There’s something in his voice that weighs on him, the tone between you shifting to something of desperation. Goodbye is a few hours away. This time, for good. “Sleep, it’s late.”
“Aren’t you tired?” Pull over, you want to say. Let’s sleep. The wedding can wait a few more hours.
How unfortunate that he cannot read your thoughts, understand the intentions behind your staring as you recline your chair, turn to face him on your side, hands crossed protectively over your abdomen.
One blink, and your eyes are already fighting to stay open, dragging you down into the depths of slumber.
“I’m fine. Don’t sleep much these days anyway,” the sound of Jack’s voice fades slowly into the background, melting away with the hum of the engine, and the turn of the wheels, and the voice on the radio. “Never got used to the feeling of an empty bed.”
TRACK 5 — i’m on fire
When your eyes next open, the sun’s warmth is caressing your face.
The sound of children’s laughter fills the air, and the smell of smoke fills your lungs, and the feeling of resting against Jack’s shoulder fills you with dread. Fearful to move, you take in all of him that you can see from this angle.
There’s no suit upon him, replaced with the casualness of a cotton t-shirt and a pair of faded denims. The hat’s back on his head, the curls of ungelled hair that peak through dry as a bone. A cigarette rests neatly between fingers on his left hand, the right one grasping at the neck of a beer bottle. No wheel sits in front of him, no gear shift keeps space between you. The Bronco’s been replaced with the view of your parent’s backyard and the comfort of a well cushioned outdoor couch.
You know this memory.
You’ve lived this memory.
“Hey, sleepyhead,” just like you remember, Jack’s stubbing out the half-smoked cigarette the moment he notices your open eyes. “How you feelin’?”
“Like my uterus is trying to carve its way out of me,” your mouth plays along with the dream, speaking the same words it had years ago.
“That good, huh?” A beer stained kiss meets the corner of your mouth, another follows up to your forehead, as Jack’s free hand reaches into his pocket, reemerging with silver foil between two fingers. “Got these off your mother. Let me go get you somethin’ to eat, then you can take two, hm?”
You remember thinking that you love him. You didn't dare speak it, however, simply nodding as you took the blister packet of paracetamol out his offering grasp and uncurled your legs back down onto the floor, stretching your arms. Jack bends down, presses his lips against the crown of your head, and then he’s off, venturing over to where your father stands grilling another round of burgers on the barbeque.
Jack’s always been a confident man. He carries himself with a head held high and a careless smile on his face, no chip on his shoulder and no flare for anger in his bones. A southern gentleman, who knows his own charms and, most dangerously, how to use them. Place him alone with your father, however, and watch how he crumbles like a house of cards. To the untrained eye, it’s unnoticeable, but you don’t miss the glances he spies your father with each time he throws out a joke, nor the way his hands can never seem to relax, a nervous tic of drumming against his thighs or balling into fists as he makes conversation with the older man. He’s desperate for the approval of your monotonous father, so desperate he fails to see he won it months ago,
“Eat up, drink up, you need it,” he says as he hands you the paper plate, and his half-drunk bottle of beer. He settles back down on the couch, pulling you into him once more. “Your old man was sayin’ we should probably head off soon, ‘fore it gets too late. Think he’s startin’ to warm up to me, he’s even worryin’ bout me drivin’ in the dark.”
“Oh, he loves you,” you take a bite, break two of the pills out their casing, wash them down with a swig of bitter beer. The summer sun burns in the corners of your eyes, forcing them into a squint. “He kept looking for you at the dinner table at my mom’s birthday, you should’ve seen his reaction when I told him you were stuck in New York slaving away in your office.”
Months later, you’d come to find out he wasn’t in New York, surrounded by mountains of paperwork, but somewhere in the south of France, hunting down some billionaire wine-maker with plans to poison the crops of surrounding vineyards, leaving only his wine safe to consume.
In your memory, Jack plucks the hat off his own head and rests it gently upon your own, a shaded barrier against the bright light in the sky. You thank him, he watches on quietly as you continue to eat, gaze not peeling itself away from you the whole time.
“What? Do I have ketchup on my face? Or, in my hair?” You’d asked him, mid-chew. No answer, more staring. Panic made a debut in your mind, suddenly alert to his unusual behaviour. “Wait, is it a bug? Jack, is there a bug in my hair?”
“I love you.”
No build up, no grand-speech, no overly romantic setting.
He said it like one shares the weather, or the time, or what they’re wanting for lunch. He said it like it was something he always said, would always say, despite it being the very first time you’d heard him do so. Tears had flown in quickly, your hormones already gone haywire with the unexpected arrival of shark week earlier that morning. There’s a vague assurance that you told him you loved him too, through tears, and he teased your weepy face with kisses down your cheeks and full-chested laughter.
“Bless your cotton socks, my sweet girl, cryin’ all cause old Jack says-”
“Tell me now baby, is he good to you?”
You jolt awake.
Jack’s by your side, suit on, hair air dried, one hand on the wheel, the other rests out the window. The roof is down, letting the sun shine on you and his caramel eyes. An old Springstein song plays in the background, the very same thing that coaxed you awake. Just like the dream, he takes a few minutes to notice your opened eyes, head turning your way as another car shoots off ahead of you both, overtaking him.
“You were mumblin’ in your sleep. Were you dreamin’ of somethin’ sweet?”
“I was,” too quick comes your reply. Too honest. Nerves have you stumbling over words, scrambling to pick them off the floor of your mind and spew out the first thing that doesn’t involve Jack and his easy-going professions of love. “About the first time my fiance told me he loves me.”
You regret it as soon as you speak, the visible halt to his smile. He overcorrects it, forcing a grin that stretches the corners of his mouth so tight it almost looks painful. “Well, c’mon, don’t go keepin’ it to yourself!”
“He, uh, wrote it in the sky.”
“How romantic. Pricey too, I bet.”
“It was his best man who did it, an ex military pilot.”
As you try to reminisce on the day, little memories blossom in your mind. Instead of vivid motion capture, the day is black and white, no sound. You don’t remember where you were, what he was wearing, how you felt when you read those words up above.
It happened only two months into your relationship, that you do remember. You also remember being parked in your old neighbourhood the night before, twenty minutes spent trying to will yourself to go knock on the door to your old home. The Bronco was in its usual spot, parked outside. No lights were on as you pulled away and willed yourself back to rational thinking.
“Jeez, if that’s how he’s tellin’ you he loves you, I can’t imagine how he proposed.”
You wonder if this is as tortuous for him as it is for you, listening to you detail the life you’d gone on to live just months after walking away from five years of love.
“In a restaurant,” you can’t remember the name, or what you ate, or what you wore, as if the memory is one that doesn’t belong to you, never belonged to you. “I ordered dessert, ‘will you marry me?’ was written on it in cherry sauce.”
“You must’ve said yes immediately.”
“I did.”
You leave out the part where the whole restaurant had watched him get down on one knee, or the part where you rushed to the restroom right after accepting the ring, spewing your guts out in a stall. By morning, you told yourself it was fine, you were just feeling nervous.
After all, you loved him enough to spend time with him, so why not spend the rest of your life with him?
TRACK 6 — she’s always a woman
It had been too easy to forget the thing you loved most about road trips with Jack.
It wasn’t his constant commentary of interesting facts on sites you’d drive past, or his love for taking the long-way to anywhere and everywhere, or his ever-present need to drag your hand up to his lips with every few miles.
The thing you loved most was listening to his voice, unfiltered, unashamed, outloud, singing along to his favourite songs. The voice of a crooning angel and the shyness of a bashful fox. Every so often, when he’d catch you watching him a little too fondly as he sang along, he’d throw in a voice crack, or twist up a lyric into a sickly innuendo.
In the present, it’s you who interrupts his spirited rendition of a Billy Joel classic.
“You were right, in the letters,” the leather of your seat squeaks as you fix your posture, sit yourself up straight if only to force yourself to stop observing the way his lips fall into a natural pout and, instead, focus on memorising the licence plate that drives ahead. “I’m sorry.”
“Right about what?” As though nothing has changed, his hand extends towards your own, effortlessly intertwining your fingers, beginning an ascent to his mouth before mind takes over instinct and he’s letting you go, setting you free.
You give up on the licence plate ahead, turn your face once more towards Jack and his pouty lips.
“I couldn’t be with Agent Whiskey anymore.” A relationship made up of a man, a woman, and an agent. Whiskey would kiss you goodbye in the morning, while Jack would be the one to come home to you. With the passing of time, three became a crowd, and so you removed yourself. “I didn’t want to break your heart, Jack, I swear. But I also didn’t want to let you break mine. And you did, every time you walked out of our home and left me wondering if you’d ever come back. Then, when Tequila… You loved your job. You loved being Agent Whiskey. How could I ask you to leave that part of you behind?”
“Darlin’ if you think there’s any world where losin’ you was easier than losin’ Whiskey, you’re out of your mind.” Like his first I love you, he speaks words that flow out of him as easily as an exhale, as though they carry no weight to them. As though they do not momentarily flip your world on its axis and have you wishing he’d turn the car around, driving you both off into the forever you never got.
Yet another car overtakes the Bronco, its driver angrily pressing on his horn. You both continue to ignore the speed at which Jack drives. Up ahead, everything you’ve been dreading comes into view, an unmissable billboard. Clearview Manor.
50 miles to go. 50 miles till goodbye.
“I’m hungry.”
“Those energy bars should still be in there, if you’re wantin’-”
“Jack, I’m hungry,” you say it louder, hoping he’ll pick up what you’re laying down.“Can’t we stop somewhere for breakfast?”
His answer comes in the form of a left blinker switching on, wheels cutting over gravel and carrying you off the main road. Then, as if to break your heart some more than his last declaration, he turns to you. “If it had been me waitin’ on you at the end of the aisle, would you have ran?”
You try to picture it.
Jack, in his suit and tie, hands clasped behind his back to keep him from drumming nervous fingers over his thighs, eyes brimming with tears as you take your first step down the aisle. Would the panic have settled in? Would you have felt that same wrongness as when you’d been sneaking a peak at your fiance waiting down the aisle?
Would you have ran?
“It’s not something I planned, y’know? Running. I didn’t think it was even an option,” you’re laying your final card on the table, a truth you couldn't bring yourself to admit earlier at last coming out to play. You’re unsure if it dismisses or further condemns you for your runaway crimes. “I took a peak, at the ceremony hall, while waiting for my father. I needed to see what I was about to walk into. I guess I thought the nerves were just from that, the unknown. Then I saw you, a few rows from the back. At first I thought I was hallucinating, that you were just a man who happened to be wearing a cowboy hat. But then I saw my mum pulling you in for a hug, and I caught a glimpse of your face. That’s why I ran. I couldn’t… marry another man, not with you standing in the crowd.”
“You’ve not answered my question,” it’s the first you’ve seen Jack put his foot down since he dragged you out the diner, the seriousness etched into his frowning forehead and stamped onto his lips. “Would you have ran?”
“No.”
Jack just keeps driving.
TRACK 7 — dancing in the dark
“You can’t be serious!”
Squeezed into the corner booth of a dingy, run-down bar, you and Jack sit across from one another, digging into a stack of pancakes lathered in maple syrup.
The bartender and two of his patrons glance at you both every so often, and you have to wonder how odd a pair you and Jack must make. One dressed to the nines, if you ignore the dried mud at the bottom of his dress pants and his loosening tie, the other wearing yesterday’s make-up paired with cotton pyjama pants. You prefer it to the stares you’d gained in your wrinkled gown.
“Deadly. I’m a serious tap-dancin’ student,” his fork stabs into the fluffy goodness, dragging it along the plate, soaking the pancake in as much syrup as possible. You try not to think of mornings that used to be spent like this, sitting at your own table, flour in his hair and eggshells in your own, both of you ignoring the disastrous mess in the kitchen begging to be cleaned as you tuck into your homemade pancakes. “Retirement breeds weird hobbies.”
“Before long, you’ll be playing bingo at the old folks home.”
“I just have to ask, I really do,” a dread you haven’t felt since stepping out the car— with the help of Jack and his offering hand, the other holding your door open— creeps back in. You don’t want to talk about your own current reality, not when it’s been so easy to pretend none of the wedding fiasco happened and, instead, you’re simply catching up with Jack after bumping into each other in this bar. “This fiance of yours… is he bigger than me?”
As quick as it inflates, the tension pops.
“Oh my god, Jack!” You laugh, a little too loudly, and dip your head as other tables turn their heads your way.
“What?”
“You did not just ask me that.”
“Oh, but I did.”
“You can’t just say things like that!” In mock surrender, he throws his hands up. Your own grab ahold of your knife and fork once more, an ironclad focus on the near-empty plate as you will the shameful heat away from your face, mumbling over your words. “But, no, he isn’t bigger. Happy?”
“You’ve no idea.” As though you’re being haunted by music, a song begins to play over the speakers. You’re not the only one who takes notice, Jack’s eyes lighting up with a devious look, his legs already rising out of his seat. “Think that’s our queue, darlin’.”
“Sit back down.”
“Oh, c’mon now, don’t be so uptight,” he lays out his hand, begging for you to place your own in it. Flashes of a memory, six years back, the very same song playing as the very same man attempted to coax a dance out of you. “One dance, sweetheart, then I’ll leave you in peace.”
Just like your younger self, you’re incapable of resisting his baby cow eyes, letting him guide you out onto a makeshift dance floor before it’s too late to run back and hide in your seat, the eyes of strangers already piercing you with their questioning stares. If you weren’t deemed a strange pair with your attire alone, you certainly are now, feet stumbling awkwardly along with Bruce Springstein.
“This song was playin’ when we met,” he says it like you don’t know, like you don’t remember, like you aren’t replaying that night as you speak, pretending you’re both in that same crowd of swaying bodies, young, and naive, and on the cusp of experiencing the greatest love you’ll ever know, rather than here, on an empty dance floor, stumbling blindly through the hardships of holding each other so close, mutually aware you’re dancing on borrowed time and, soon, you’ll have to go. “Knowin’ now how it ends, if I was sent back in time, I’d still ask you to dance. I’d do it all again.”
“This gun’s for hire, even if we’re just…”
He spins you, drags you closer, sways you. It’s far less care-free than the first dance you shared, no alcohol to dull the shame and a whole lot of history packed between your bodies.
The first dance had been the thing you had dreaded most about your wedding, dancing with your husband, to a whole room of loved ones watching. Dancing now with Jack— even through all the embarrassment you feel as an elderly couple point over at you— feels easier, less daunting, so much so that you can’t help the way you start to laugh, arms loosening around his shoulders, hips moving less abashedly.
The two of you inch closer, and closer, and closer as the song reaches its end. Like a happy couple finishes their first dance, Jack’s mouth lands atop yours.
A gentle kiss, innocent of sin, it begs you to give back, to press your own mouth against his. You answer its calling, hand clasping at the back of his neck, holding him safely against you, less he drifts away and reveals this all to have been a dream, a nightmare, a delusion. Like coming home after a cold winter’s day, his kiss is the comfort of knowing you’re exactly where you belong.
And it’s absolutely terrifying.
You rip away from him, flashes of your fiance’s face blinding you as you stumble off, doing what you do best: running away. You miss the way the patrons all go back to their own drinks, and the way a new song comes on, and the way Jack chases after you, stopped only by the slamming of a bathroom door.
You come up for air when you find yourself faced with the image you paint in the mirror.
Never has there been a more heartbroken girl, eyes a mess of tears, and faded eyeliner, and smudged mascara, hair a nest fit enough for any bird to build its home in, body draped in the clothing of an ex-lover. It’s almost as frightening as the image you made yesterday, wedding gown freshly laced and make-up pristinely done.
A knock rings against the door.
It’s followed by a gentle call of your name.
You switch on the tap, welcome the cold splash of water over your face. Pray that, if you scrub hard enough, you’ll wipe away the taste of him, forget the shape of his touch, purge yourself of the desire to follow anywhere he may go. Your hand slips down your face, the dim bathroom light catches on something.
Your engagement ring, a tight shackle that binds you to someone else, reminds you of the closure you owe to Jack.
He calls your name again.
“Darlin’,” it’s muffled behind the door, but the regret in his voice is all too clear. “I just got caught up, I’m sorry. Come on out and we’ll get back on the road-”
The hinges creak as the door opens, only a crack, and your hand shoots out, grabbing a hold of Jack’s tie before you can will yourself to be rational.
He lets you invade his space with little protest, mouths returning to the dance they never got to complete. Hands move, slipping off ties, and undoing draw strings, and locking doors. There’s a mumble, are you sure, followed by a moan, please.
All hope of forgetting his skin is lost, a leg hooked around his waist, fingers tangled in his hair. He bites at your neck, and kisses along your jaw, and pants into your ear, all the while his hips rock back and forth against your own, filling you inch by inch. Mouth covered by your own hand, muffling a cry of his name as you feel him brush against that spine-tingling spot inside you. Your head falls back, eyes slip shut. Jack’s quick to rectify it.
“Watch, darlin’,” he whispers, a hand tilting your eyes down to where your two bodies meet. “ Want you to see how perfectly your lil’ pussy takes me.”
You do as he says, hypnotised by the sight of his cock, glistening in your own arousal, sawing in and out of you, each thrust deeper than the last.
“He can’t fuck you like this, can he?” Despite his ego-fueled words, there’s a desperation in his voice, a soul lost in a sea of darkness, searching for a life jacket. “Tell me he can’t.”
He can’t, you tell him, clinging onto him tighter, needier, begging him to never leave.
Any minute now, you worry, someone’s going to knock on the bathroom door, kick you both out. Instead, the music that plays outside the door seems to increase in volume.
“Fuckin’ made for me, meant for me,” both of you grow increasingly desperate, fingernails digging into flesh, and mouths rejoining in a frenzy of kisses, and the tightening of an invisible string, drawing you nearer and nearer to the edge. “My sweet girl.”
An end that comes all too soon, both of you exhausted, and spent, and collapsing against one another, a sticky mess left between your legs where his hips continue to rut into you through his own overstimulation.
“I’m sorry,” his head falls against your shoulder, burrows into the warmth of your neck. There’s a press of his lips against your skin, and a million apologies that follow. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I love you.”
“It’s okay, Jack,” you lie, sooth a hand over his back, ignore the tears you feel falling against your skin.
TRACK 8 — hit the road jack
The clock reads 13:18 as Jack brings the car to a stop.
A set of stairs lead up to a grand double-doored entrance, a sign post declaring the extravagant building as Clearview Manor. Rented for the whole weekend, the wedding party isn’t cited to leave until late Monday evening. Though all cars remain parked in the driveway, no familiar faces await your arrival.
“I hope you get your happy ending,” the two of you step out of the car in sync. A voice whispers that it’s the last time you’ll step out the Bronco, you brush it off and follow Jack as he makes his way over to the boot. “No one deserves it more than you, Jack.”
“No promises, darlin’,” he extends his arms to you, you almost move in for a hug.
The sight of your wedding dress, no longer porcelain white, stains of brown upon a greying fabric, reminds you of why you’re here. You try your best to smile earnestly as you take it off his hands, but fear it only heightens the distress that dilates your pupils. “I’ll see you inside, right?”
The boot slams shut, and it’s an awful reminder that your time together is coming to a close, Jack dons his signature smile, cowboy hat back on his head, a head that’s shaking no.
“The mighty fool that I am, thinkin’ I could stomach watchin’ you get married to another man. After this little road trip of ours… well, I guess I just ain’t ready to hit play yet.” A tongue made of lead, shoes filled with weights. Moving feels impossible, talking even more so. You want to say his name, tell him you don’t need to marry another man, crawl back into the Bronco and beg him to drive off. “Go’on, get! There’s a good man in there, waitin’ to give you everythin’ you deserve.”
Instead, you just turn on your heel, take the first step towards the rest of your life. A life without Jack.
Halfway up the stairway, the sound of Jack’s engine reaches your ears, followed quickly by the obnoxiously poignant car radio, giving its final performance for you both.
“Hit the road, Jack, and don’t you come back, no more, no more, no more, no more!”
Eyes meeting where Jack sits, back in the driver’s seat, you share one last laugh.
OUTRO — everywhere
“Thank god you’re okay.”
Two arms, strong and secure, wrap around your waist.
On the other side of the bridal suite door stands both your mother and your mother in law, ushered out by your fiance upon your return the moment he noticed the panic on your face as questions and fingers prodded at you.
You block out the thought of the scowling faces, burrowing your own into the space between his shoulder and neck, whispering your inquiry on, “how bad is the damage?”
“We told everyone you were suffering from food poisoning. All our guests think you’ve been spewing out of both ends the past few hours, but I think that’s justified for the bruising you’ve given my ego.”
“Santi,” the shape of your fiance’s name feels foreign in your mouth, the taste of it sour on your tongue, so much so that you can’t say it in full. “I’m so sorry-”
“Don’t be, what matters is you’re here now.”
Jack was right, your fiance is a nice man. A good man. A man anyone would be lucky to land in the arms of, the kind of man people dream of, and romance authors write of.
But to you, his arms just feel like a cage you’ve lost the key for. “Why did you ask me to marry you?”
“I don’t know. We just… make sense.”
“We do,” you pull apart, at last, nodding your head along to his answer. “But is that all marriage should be? Two people who make sense?” You stumble a few steps back from him, feet needing space to begin pacing back and forth as your filter slips and the word-vomit begins to spew itself out onto the pristine carpeted floors. “Do you really love me enough to spend the rest of your days with me? Because I don’t think you do, and I don’t think I love you like that either.”
Santiago is calm, collected, and completely unresponsive.
The longer he watches you pace and rant, the quicker you do each thing, as though you’re racing ahead to escape the fear of breaking his heart more than you already have, his love possibly more intense than you make it seem. He ends that fear in one foul swoop of words.
“When you didn’t walk down the aisle, I felt relieved. I also slept with someone at my bachelor party and the guilt has been eating me alive.”
“I just fucked my ex in a bathroom!” In an almost paradoxical response, the pair of you keen over in laughter, any expected animosity thrown out the metaphorical window and leaving you both no choice but to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. “God, we’re a mess.”
“Wait, the cowboy’s your ex? I should’ve known, your dad told him you were gone before he even bothered to tell me.” Santiago had little luck at winning over your dad, though admittedly it was no fault of his own but, rather, your father had yet to move on from Jack. There’s a sudden commotion as Santi rushes past you, peeling back the curtains and peering down out the window. “What car is it the cowboy drives?”
“A Bronco.”
“Well, you might wanna hurry, because he’s just pulling out of the parking bays.” It’s more than just a warning. It’s a blessing to leave. Overcome with emotion, you dive back into his arms and find there’s no fear of goodbye, not like there had been with Jack. An engagement ring that slips off with no resistance, no longer a shackle that ties you both together. You hand it back to him gently. “Go, before it’s too late! I’ll take care of this mess, see if I can spin this in a way that’s heartbreaking enough to get our deposit back.”
There’s more you want to say, but now’s not the time. Apologies and thank-yous can wait till you pick up your things from his apartment, right now you’re too busy rushing to the door.
A call of your name comes when you’ve got one foot out it, treading into the now motherless hallway. You face Santiago with a smile, ready to say that magic word.
Goodbye.
“Promise me one thing.”
“Anything.”
“Don’t invite me to your wedding.”
You make it out the double-doors, which slam loudly shut behind you, before you spot the retreating shape of Jack’s car and an anxious glee commands you to break out into a sprint, legs kicking faster than they ever have before.
Don’t speed up, you think, watching as the Bronco slowly creeps down the driveway.
“Jack!” You call out to him, hoping that, with the open roof, he’ll somehow hear you over the radio. Pushing your feet to move a little faster, your arms join the mix, waving wildly to the wind, a careless attempt to catch his attention in the rearview mirror. “Wait!”
The car breaks with a squeak, the blaring music comes to a halt, and Jack turns to face you with his own eyes, as though he can’t trust the mirrors. When you reach the car, you pull at the door handle and find he’s already unlocked it. You slide in with ease, back into the seat you’ve always belonged in: by his side.
He can’t seem to move, frozen with his eyes focused on nothing but you.
“Drive, jack,” you finally proclaim, asking him what you should’ve the moment you saw him in that diner, in the pews, in the heartbreaking hours post-burying a friend.
“Where to, darlin’?”
“Anywhere, everywhere!” You can’t help the smile that overcomes you as he pulls your hand up to his mouth, planting a familiar kiss upon it, before the engine hums back to life. “It doesn’t matter, as long as I’m with you, all roads lead home.”
Like old times, you lean forward and turn up the radio, a familiar tune filling the air as you sink back into your seat, the wind back in your hair and an open road laying ahead, ready to lead you both wherever the wheels may take you.
“Oh I, I wanna be with you everywhere.”
bts with hyde. this is just a little reflective commentary that i put down here, to avoid flooding my author's note with too much rambling. please feel free to skip this!!
this fic is a compilation of firsts for me. it's the first challenge i've taken part in within the pedro fanspace, which has been equally exciting as it has been daunting. i struggle immensely with writing on a time schedule, and so i'm pretty proud of myself for not posting this (too) late.
this is also my first time writing for jack. admitedly, i'm not sure if i've done justice to him, as his character is somehow incredibly strong and, yet, so open for interpretation that i found myself struggling to connect with him in my writing. i have no plans to write for him in any future wips, but that might change. it was definitely fun to push myself out my comfort zone and write for a new character!
something i want to praise myself for is the attention i put into smaller details of this fic. for example, each flower mentioned in this fic has a very specific symbol/meaning attached to it, fitting with the themes of the scenes in which they're mentioned. the other place i hyperfocused on very unimportant details is the playlist. it opens and closes on the only two songs fronted by a female vocalist, with my intention being that these songs are a representation of the reader's inner turmoils and thoughts in the opening and closing scenes. the rest of the playlist is full of male vocalists, giving a peak into jack's mind despite the entire fic being told through the reader's eyes.
okay, i've given myself enough delusional and unnecesary praise, i'm going to sleep now. please don't be mean if you didn't like this fic, it's literally my birthday 🫡
if you've read this far, ily, i hope you have a good day !
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The Right Medicine.
Eddie Munson x Female Reader
Author’s note- hello ghouls and gremlins. I'm back after coming out of somewhat of a writer's block. Been having a lot going on as of late so i'm sorry if you’ve been waiting for any content I’ll get to it soon. 5.5k words
Warnings- 18+++ content. Mature themes. No smut. Mentions of drug use, foul language, and mentions of not wanting to live anymore. Angst.
Summary- after being cut off by your drug dealer and being forced into sobriety the two of you catch up and find maybe the drugs had been the wrong medicine all along.
He always hoped things wouldn’t end up this way. When he met you he never expected to become this attached to you. But here you were in the middle of the night banging on his trailer door.
“OPEN THE DOOR EDDIE!”
He sat on the other side in tears. His heart was absolutely shattering in his chest. You were just supposed to be another customer. But how could he not fall in love with you? But that meant he couldn’t stand by and watch you kill yourself anymore. He couldn’t deal to you anymore. Hell after this he doesn’t think he can deal at all anymore.
“OPEN THE DOOR EDDIE OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR.”
You bang on the door with your fists.
“OPEN THE DOOR EDDIE.”
You begin to cry.
“OPEN THE DOOR. OPEN THE DOOR. OPEN THE DOOR.”
“FUCK YOU EDDIE.”
“FUCK YOU EDDIE.”
“FUCK YOU EDDIE.”
You’re on your knees now at his trailer door. You inhale a shaky breath before you cry out in a last attempt.
“You did this to me Eddie. The least you could do is open the fucking door. I'M BEGGING YOU EDDIE JUST OPEN THE DOOR.”
Eddie feels his heart shatter in his chest. It is his fault. He did this to you. He shouldn’t have been dealing in the first place and he knew that but he needed the money. And now you’re addicted to drugs crying at his door at 3 am for your next fix and he wanted nothing more than to give in just to make you happy. But he doesn’t. He keeps the door shut. He waits until he doesn’t hear your sobs anymore.
He takes a peek out the window and you’re gone. He has a feeling he won’t see you again. That breaks his heart but he hopes he’s doing the right thing. As long as you can’t get your drugs anymore maybe you’ll live a little longer. Even though he knew you took the drugs because you didn’t want to.
***
That night when you left Eddie’s trailer you biked all the way from his trailer directly to the source. Reefa ricks. When you got there he also turned you away. Told you he wasn’t supposed to deal to you anymore and you knew it was because Eddie asked him not to.
You went to Argyle and managed to get some weed but that’s all Argyle ever had so anything stronger was out of the question.
You went home that night empty handed and you hated Eddie for it. You had to go through with drawls and eventually you got the help you needed getting sober. But there was always a part of you that wondered why Eddie had stopped dealing to you.
**
You didn’t see Eddie for 5 months. Well he didn’t see you. You avoided him like the plague around town. Not because you hated him anymore but because you were embarrassed about the last time you’d talked to him. You felt bad about putting him through that and having to see you like that.
If anything you wanted to thank him. He’d saved your life. You knew the path you had been on was a dangerous one. And if Eddie had kept dealing to you, you’d probably be dead.
Today was a day like any other. Going to your new job at the diner that Benny was nice enough to offer you after your stint in rehab. Your shift today wasn’t long but it was tiring nonetheless.
When your shift was over you went to go get into your car and start it but nothing happened. No engine roaring no nothing. Just dead.
“SHIT!” You slam your hands on the steering wheel.
You walked back into the diner and asked to use the phone to call a local tow truck company and have it towed to the mechanics up the road.
The man with the tow truck was nice enough to let you ride with him to the mechanic shop and you thanked him upon arrival.
Getting out of the truck you walk into the mechanic shop and come face to face with the one person you’ve been avoiding for the last 5 months.
He doesn’t see you come in because he’s looking at something on the counter. You take in the sight of him. Greasy and dirty with his hair up in a messy bun. Wearing a pair of overalls with the name Eddie stitched into the lining. You clear your throat to get his attention and he finally looks up from the counter.
Eddie Munson is pretty sure his heart stopped. He hadn’t seen you in 5 months and here you were standing in front of him and you looked just as stunning, maybe even more so, than the last time he saw you. You looked healthy and Eddie could only assume it’s because nobody in town would sell drugs to you. He only hoped you didn’t still hate him.
He opens his mouth to say something but words escape him. He just stands there across the counter looking dumbfounded so you’re the first to speak.
“Uh my uh-my car. Just got brought in.”
He finally regains some sense of self. “Right uh what’s wrong with it.”
“I don’t know Eddie. If I knew that I wouldn’t have brought it here.”
He shakes his head. That was a dumb question. “Well uh yeah haha. Um I meant what was going on with it. Why’d you decide to bring it in?”
“Wouldn’t start. Just absolutely nothing.”
“Ah well I’ll take a look at it and you sit tight alright?”
Eddie turns to leave the room and heads back into the shop where your car is. Leaving you in the waiting area. Leaving you alone with your thoughts.
You couldn’t help but admit he looked good. Even in his greasy overalls and messy bun. In fact that probably only added to how good he looked. Your heart ached a little bit seeing him after this long. You felt bad. Really bad after what you put him through.
Eddie comes back into the shop a while later looking a bit greasier and a little more tired.
“She’s all up and working now!”
He tosses the keys to your car at you and you catch them.
“That’s great Eddie! What was wrong with it?”
“Oh just a dead battery s’all”
“Okay” you begin to pull out your wallet. “How much do I owe you?”
“Nothing. You’re all good to go.”
You freeze and look up at him with furrowed brows. “Batteries cost money, Eddie. I know I owe you something.”
“Seriously. It’s taken care of. Don’t worry about it.” Eddie starts fidgeting with a cloth hanging from one of his overall pockets.
You raise a brow and walk toward the counter and set your wallet on it. You give Eddie a stern look. “Seriously Eddie I’m not taking freebies just tell me how much.”
He sighs. “For you? $30”
You sigh, this time and take out $30 from your wallet. Knowing that batteries cost more than that but also knowing Eddie wasn’t going to budge. He takes the $30 and cashes you out and hands you a receipt. As he hands you the receipt your fingers brush for a moment and it makes you feel a rush of electricity you haven’t felt in a long time. You blush and you hope he doesn’t notice.
You’re about to turn and walk out of the shop and Eddie just knows he can’t let you leave like this. Not again.
“So how are you?”
You stop and turn back to the counter. “I’m good. Really good. How about you?”
“I’m great. Since I got this little gig going for myself.” He uses his finger to point around the shop.
You two take a moment to just look into each other's eyes and you take a deep breath. “I should uh probably get going. Thanks for fixing my cars Ed’s”
Ed’s. He hadn’t heard that nickname in months and the second he heard it his chest tightened a bit. He couldn’t let you leave like this. He had to know he’d see you again.
“Uh yeah anytime. So uh you workin anywhere now?”
“Oh uh yeah I work at benny's diner. I’m surprised I haven’t seen you in there actually.”
“Yeah never really went to benny's cause all the jocks and party people used to hangout there.”
“We aren’t in highschool anymore Eddie.”
“I know but I guess I just never really thought about going there. Might have to now though.”
He flashed you a smile and you couldn’t help but smile back.
“Yeah you should come in sometime. I could always use a friendly face around.”
And with that you turned on your heel and left the shop.
***
After you left the shop you were all Eddie thought about the rest of the night. He paced around his trailer and debated on just caving and calling you and confessing all his feelings and telling you he couldn’t stand not seeing you. But that felt wrong. You were in a good place without him. He couldn’t just hop back into your life like that. Would you even want him to?
As he sat on the couch in defeat he thought about it more and more. He came to a conclusion that he would take a step and go to see you at Benny’s diner tomorrow on his lunch break. He would get some food, maybe try to strike up a conversation and then be on his way that was all.
Sitting on the couch deep in thought, he hadn’t even heard the trailer door swing open. Wayne walked into the trailer and saw his nephew sitting on the couch looking stressed and defeated. “You okay over there?”
Eddie jumped a bit and looked up at his uncle. “Yeah Wayne I’m okay.”
“You sure kiddo?”
“Yeah I just….I saw y/n today.”
Wayne’s face contorted into deep concern.
“Oh. How is she?”
“Good. Really good.”
“And how are you really Eddie?”
Eddie looked confused now. “I told you I’m fine Wayne.”
Wayne scoffs. “Bullshit Eddie. I know how much you care about that girl and I don’t know what happened between the two of you or why she stopped hanging around here but I know it damn near ripped your heart out to lose her.”
Eddie leans his head back against the couch and brushes his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t…I didn’t lose her..”
“Well you sure as shit didn’t chase after her.”
Eddie looks up at Wayne who’s leaning against the counter with his arms crossed.
“Wayne it’s just. It wasn’t the right time to “chase after her”. I knew she needed time on her own.”
Wayne uncrosses his arms and makes his way to the couch and sits next to Eddie and rests a hand on his shoulder. “Kid. It’s never the right time. Just make sure you chase after her this time.”
Wayne stands from the couch and goes to the kitchen and starts cooking some Mac n cheese. Eddie sits on the couch and thinks about what Wayne said. He wasn’t going to let you leave him this time. He was going to go to that diner tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. He will go to that diner every single day if he has to if it means getting you back in his life.
***
“BENNY WE GOT A 5 STACK, A KIDS SPAGHETTI AND A LARGE DOUBLE DECKER WITH CHEESE.” You shout across the counter to Benny in the kitchen. Turning back around you hear the chime of the diner bell and you turn to greet the customer who’s just walked in. Stopping in your tracks when you see that customer is Eddie Munson.
You’re so frozen you don’t even hand him a menu or seat him until he clears his throat and you snap back to reality. “Oh um. Eddie. Hi. So you really did show up today.”
He rocks back and forth on his feet a little bit. “Yup. Figured I’d stop in and see what all the hype is about. Plus I heard this place has an amazing waitress who works there.”
You look down at the menu you’re holding and smile. You hold the menu out to him and he takes it. As he takes it your fingers brush once again and this time you both get shocked. So much so you almost think it’s static electricity, until your heart feels all fuzzy.
You look up at Eddie and clear your throat. “So uh would you want a table or a booth.”
Eddie Scoffs. “Oh come on sweetheart you know me better than that.”
You roll your eyes but still smile at him. “So a booth I’m assuming then?”
He nods his head yes and you walk him over to a booth to seat him. Once sat you bring him a water and a coke and give him a few minutes to order. While you wait for him to order, you pick up the other order from Benny and bring it to the small family at the table nearby. Bringing extra napkins for the child with spaghetti.
As you set down the little plate of spaghetti infront of the child the child starts laughing and playing with the noodles creating art on the table. The parents pay the child no mind but you lean down next to the kid.
“Nice artwork you got going there kid.”
The kid smiles up at you. “TANKS”
“What are you making?”
“SOGETTI MONSTER!”
“Well I think the spaghetti monster would look great with some red sauce on it dontcha think?”
The child claps and screams excitedly as they take the red sauce from the plastic container and starts smearing it all over the noodles and laughing wildly. When the child is done they look up to you and wait for your approval.
“Very nice kid.”
You and the child share a little high-five and you head back to the kitchen for a moment.
Eddie finished watching the entire interaction that made his heart swell. He missed you so much and seeing you so happy and healthy made his heart happy. Knowing despite the pain and loneliness he went through after losing you. It was all okay cause it meant you were still here today.
He watches you re-emerge from the kitchen and make your way over to his table and he realizes he hasn’t even looked at the menu. He’s only been watching you.
“You ready Eddie?”
“Uh yeah I’ll just take a uh. Burger and fries.”
You don’t write it down and instead you just shout across the diner to Benny who gives you a thumbs up. Suddenly the diner door chimes and in walks another waiter who gives you a wave.
“I’ll be right back Eddie.”
He doesn’t get the chance to say anything as you’re already off following the other waiter into the back of the restaurant.
He waits for you to re-emerge momentarily but it doesn’t happen. You take so long that Eddie’s mind starts to race. Maybe you left. Maybe you and that waiter are actually a thing and you’re fooling around in the back oh god what if you had a boyfriend now? Eddie couldn’t possibly be mad at you for that. Even if you did he’d still want you in his life as his friend. You’d just be his friend that he’s hopelessly in love with.
You finally re-emerge from the back of the diner with a tray full of food in hand and you walk over to Eddie table and set the burger down in front of him. Then you do something he doesn’t expect. You set down a second plate with a burger on it and a water and a coke. Eddie looks up at you with a confused look.
You take off your apron and set it on the booth. “Mind if I join you?”
Eddies taken aback in the best way possible. He sputters out his response.”uh uh uh of course yeah yah absolutely.”
You sit across from him and take a sip of your drink before leaning back against the booth and looking at Eddie.
“So Eddie, how's things outside of work?”
“Good! I’m good. I graduated. Saving up my money to get a place of my own.”
“That’s great Ed’s! And how’s the band? You guys still playing at the hideout?”
“Yup every Tuesday.”
“Maybe I’ll come to a show again sometime. I haven’t been to the hideout since….”
You look down at your hands beneath the booth instead of making eye-contact with Eddie. Eddie takes over for you.
“Yeah you should come see us. I know Gareth and Jeff really miss you.”
“Oh really? Just them?”
Eddie drops his burger back on his plate. “WHAT? No no I-I miss you too.”
You giggle and take a bite of a fry. Before taking the bun off your burger and throwing the pickles onto Eddie’s plate without thinking. A small gesture that Eddie notices. Something you used to do whenever you two would get food together.
Eddie takes the pickles and eats them quickly, before tossing a few of his fries onto your plate. Always had to be a trade.
You look back up at him.
“So how's Wayne?”
“He’s good. He misses you too.”
“Did Wayne actually say that?”
“Wellllll no. But I know he does.”
“I doubt he does.”
“Why would you say that y/n?”
“Pffft Eddie anytime I was with you I was….well I was….I was drugged out.”
Eddie looks up at you and reaches out across the table and grabs your hand.
“Hey look at me.”
You do.
“Just cause you were drugged out doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss you. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. We all miss you.”
You squeeze his hand. “I missed you too, Ed's.”
There’s a moment of silence as you two look at each other. Before you pick up a fry and throw it at him. He catches it in his mouth.
“So y/n have you talked to the gang at all?”
“Like Steve? Nancy? Jonathan? Robin? The kids?”
“Yeah.”
“Uh no. I haven’t.”
“Glad to know it wasn’t just me.”
“Well I still talk to Argyle. I get my weed from him.”
Eddie stiffens and perks up and looks at you with concern. “W-what?”
You recognize his concern and what is causing it. “Just weed Eddie. Argyle doesn’t do anything else. And nobody else would sell to me anyways. Even if they would, I'm done now. I’m clean Ed’s. I promise.”
He relaxes a bit. “That’s good. I’m glad.”
You continue eating and catching up for a while talking about your old friends and asking how everyone is.
“Eddie I don’t know.”
“You should come, it'll be great.”
“Will they even want me there Eddie? I haven't seen them in months.”
“Trust me y/n they’ll love to see you. Just come. It’s at Steve’s this Friday. It’ll be just us older kids. Small get together you know.”
You think on It for a second and nod your head in agreement. “Fine, I'll come. Now I really gotta get back to work Eddie, are you done with your food.”
He checks his watch and realises his lunch break was over about 30 minutes ago. And he rushes to stand from the booth.
“Yup I’m all done. I’ll see you tomorrow okay?”
“See you tomorrow Ed’s.”
You wave and watch him walk out of the diner and get in his van. After spending time with Eddie it feels like a little piece of your heart has healed.
***
Days would pass and everyday Eddie would come in and eat lunch and you would sit down and eat lunch with him. Today was Friday afternoon and just like clockwork the chime of the diner bell rings and in walks Eddie in his usual mechanic attire.
He doesn’t bother with the menu and he seats himself at the usual booth he’s been sitting in for the last week. You put in the orders and wait for the food to be done before bringing it out and taking a seat with Eddie on your lunch break.
Eddie starts devouring his food but you don’t. He takes notice of this. “What’s up?”
“Nothin just not very hungry.”
“Oh come on y/n you’ve been busting your ass over these tables all day and you’re trying to tell me you haven’t worked up an appetite.”
You sigh and take a bite of a fry. “There you happy Ed’s?”
“I’ll be happy when you tell me what’s eatin at ya” he flicks a fry off of his plate at you and it hits you in the face.
You sigh and take a sip of your drink before clearing your throat. “I’m just nervous to see everyone tonight that’s all. What if they don’t really wanna see me Ed’s. I mean I kinda just blew them off like it was nothin with no explanation.”
Eddie looks down at his plate. “Y/n they all know you were struggling. They’re just glad you’re okay. I already told them you’re coming tonight and they’re excited. Here how about I pick you up and we’ll go together? Does that make it any better?”
“Yeah that makes it a little better.” You pick up your burger and take a bite of it.
Eating your lunch and going back to work you wait for the end of the day. Heading home you take the time to get changed into an outfit that you find cute and you freshen up a bit as you wait for Eddie to pick you up for the evening.
As you sit there waiting for Eddie the nerves work their way back into your brain. This would be the first time you’re hanging out with everybody after what happened. And really this would be the first time hanging out with Eddie outside of work.
You realized you two haven’t actually broached the subject of what happened and you haven’t talked about anything related to it and you were scared it would come up during the night's events and you wouldn’t know what to say.
As you sit in thought you hear a knock at the front door. Standing up you make your way to the door and open it to find Eddie. You’d almost forgotten his usual attire and had his hair down because the last week you’d only seen him on his lunch breaks from the mechanic shop. But now stood in front of you was just your old pal Eddie clad in metal head fashion.
“You ready to go sweetheart?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
You step out of the house and make your way to Eddie’s van. He jogs ahead of you a bit and opens the door to the passenger side for you and you giggle as you get in the van. He was always a gentleman.
The ride to Steve’s house was relatively quiet between the two of you as you sat there listening to the music blaring from Eddie’s radio. It was only when he pulled into Steve’s driveway that Eddie broke the silence.
“So uh when we go in there’ll probably be weed and booze and stuff around is that gonna be okay?”
“Yeah Eddie I’ll be fine. I don’t drink but I may partake in some smoking alright?”
“Sounds good to me sweetheart.”
He makes his way out of the van and round to the passenger side and opens the door for you once more. The two of you walk up the path to Steve’s front door and Eddie knocks for the both of you. The door swings open a moment later and you’re met by the bright smiling face of the host Steve Harrington.
“Y/n! Hey!” He leans in and grabs you into a hug without a second’s hesitation. You let out a small squeak in surprise but hug him back nonetheless. When Steve releases you he opens the door even further and gestures for you and Eddie to come in.
Steve leads the way to his living room where you see Nancy, Robin, Jonathan, and Argyle sat on the couches and floor surrounded by smoke and booze and they appear to be in the midst of a conversation when Robin takes notice of you all walking into the room.
Robin quickly jumps up off the couch and runs over to you and tackles you in a hug and starts speaking a million miles a minute. “Y/n oh my god I missed you so much you missed so much at our hangouts like time Jonathan got so cross faded that he skinny dipped and the time Nancy got so high that she started-“ Robin was quickly cut off by Nancy who walked beside you and pulled Robin off of you.
“Sorry y/n robins already had quite a bit to smoke so you know how she gets. Come on, come sit with us.”
You look over at Eddie who gives you a light nod of encouragement and you let yourself be guided to the couch to sit between Robin and Nancy. You give Jonathan and Argyle a wave and argyle holds up a joint and reaches it out towards you and you accept it and take a hit of it before offering to pass it to Nancy who accepts. As Nancy finishes taking her hit and passing it to Steve, Nancy looks to you and begins to speak.
“So y/n how have you been?”
“I’ve been good! I work at benny's diner now and I’m clean so I’m doing really well.”
“I’m glad to hear that. So are you planning on going to college or anything at the moment?”
“Um at the moment no but I’ve been thinking about it a little bit. So Nancy, how are you?”
“So Nancy, are you still going to Emerson in the fall?”
“Oh no I’m staying here and going to Hawkins community with Jonathan.”
“That’s nice and Steve, Robin how are you guys?”
Steve takes a sip of beer before responding “Kieth promoted us so now we get to watch over the arcade somedays and family video on others. The pay raise has been nice.”
As the night goes on and you catch up and smoke with your friends the nerves you felt about the evening melt away. You had missed your friends so much and now you know pushing them away was a mistake. It feels like another part of you has healed by talking to them and spending time with them. Eventually everyone agrees they’re too stoned or drunk to go home so Steve allows everyone to stay in the guest rooms of his house.
Nancy and Jonathan take a room and Steve and Robin crash together. Argyle had already passed out on the floor which left just you and Eddie for the last spare guest room. As you walked to the room with a very high Eddie the two of you couldn't stop giggling.
You walk into the room and close the door behind you and then you walk over to the bed and collapse back dramatically.
“That tired huh sweetheart?”
Eddie says as he makes his way over to you. He sits gently on the edge of the bed and removes his boots before collapsing back next to you and turning on his side.
“Not tired Ed’s. Just happy.”
“Happy huh? So you had a good time?”
“A good time? Ed’s I had a great time. I’m still having a great time. Cause I’m here with you. I missed you Ed’s.”
Your giggly demeanor has faded and turned into something more serious as you turn on your side to look at Eddie. He notices the change in your demeanor and shifts into a more serious vibe of his own.
“You’re not drunk are you sweetheart?”
“No Eddie, I'm serious. I missed you. I missed all of you and it was so stupid of me to push all of you guys away.” Tears prick the corners of your eyes and Eddie takes notice.
Bringing a hand up to your face in order to wipe the tears that fall.
“Oh sweetheart, we know why you pushed us away. You got clean sweetheart and maybe being around us would have made that harder for you. I know being around me would have made that harder on you. Don’t feel bad please sweetheart. We’re all back together now and that’s what matters.”
You sniffle a little bit and place your hand over his on your face.
“I never thanked you Eddie.”
“Thanked me, for what sweetheart?”
“For saving my life.”
Oh. Oh . Eddie wasn’t expecting that and it made his entire heart sink. Now the tears are threatening the corners of his eyes.
“Sweetheart, you don’t need to thank me. Actually you shouldn’t thank me. I was the reason you were addicted in the first place. I shouldn’t have been dealing at all and I’m glad I stopped but please don’t thank me.”
You take your hand off of his and reach up to his face where you brush some of the hair out of his face And wipe the tears that fall down.
“Eddie Munson. You saved my life. I should never have blamed you or said what I said that day. As much as it’s true that you shouldn’t have sold me the drugs in the first place, I shouldn’t have been buying them in the first place. Blame is a two way street where we’re both responsible. But you’re the one who saved my life. You saved me from myself Eddie and I think we both know I wouldn’t be here today if I’d kept going on the path I was on. Without you Eddie I’d be gone.”
Eddie was full on crying at this point and he couldn’t stop it. He sat up on the edge of the bed and placed his head in his hands. You made your way off the bed to kneel in front of him. Gently reaching up and taking his hands off of his face.
“Please look at me Eddie.”
“I couldn’t watch you do that to yourself y/n it was killing me. And losing you killed me a little more. Please don’t ever leave me again y/n I can’t lose you. I stopped dealing and everything and I’ll never ever do it again and I’m just so glad to have you back in my life. Please don’t leave me again.”
You climb up into his lap and envelope him into a hug that he accepts with desperation clinging onto you as if you’re going to disappear at any moment.
“Eddie, I'm not going anywhere this time I promise you. I’m not leaving you again Ed’s. Can I tell you something Ed’s.”
He sniffles and nods his head yes as he clings to you.
“I think I had it all wrong back then Ed’s. I used the drugs cause I thought of it as medicine. I thought the drugs would help me cover up all the shitty emotions and I wouldn’t need anything else. Even though it was killing me. But being with you these last few days has been more of a medicine to me than the drugs ever were. It was you Eddie. You were the right medicine Eddie.”
Eddie digs his face deeper into the crook of your neck and you can hear his quiet sobs as you run your fingers through his hair in an attempt to soothe him. After a moment of sobbing Eddie lifts his head slightly. And whispers. “Can I tell you something now?”
You nod your head yes.
“I think you’re my medicine too. You’re the only thing that makes this world better sometimes. You heal me in every way that weed and booze can’t and never will. You’re it for me y/n. I-I love you.”
You lean back just enough to where you can see Eddie’s face. You reach up and wipe the tears that had fallen before grabbing his face and pulling him into a kiss.
Your first kiss with Eddie is sweet and soft. Almost like you’re both afraid to break each other. But Eddie’s not having that. He deepens the kiss and pulls you into him and your bodies are flush against one another leaving no space.
You two only pull away from the kiss when you become desperate for air. You lean your forehead against his and just smile.
“I love you too Ed’s. Can we go to sleep now?”
“I love you so much sweetheart. Of course we can, sweetheart.”
He kisses you on the forehead and flops back down on the mattress taking you with him landing on top of him in a hug. And that’s how the two of you fall asleep. He gets to sleep knowing that he did the right thing. Knowing he has you back in his life and that you’re not going anywhere. And you fall asleep cuddled up with him knowing you’d found the right medicine.
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