#Cotard Calamitas

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The SELF-iSH album was released on August 23 in the year 2016

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY FAVE WILL WOOD ALBUM YAHOOOOOOOO

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Inevitable - part eight - The nightmares came true

He paced back and forth, smiling wider and wider, laughing louder and louder. At one point he stopped, still gesturing around. Until the frenzy of thoughts could not be kept inside any longer.

Dr Sunshine began musing, his voice melodic as usual, but with an unfamiliar touch.

"When did I become afraid of the dark?

Are my eyeballs just yet to adjust to seeing the light?

The room I'm in is still the same

The shadows have not rearranged it

No, the only thing that's changed is how I see at night

I fumble for the switch

And strap on infrareds and wish

For sunshine when the morning's somewhere else!..."

For just a line he lost that melodic note, but then it returned.

"But I can't change what time it is

Or dilate my irises

Only what I look at

And I'm looking at myself!...

I am not the sunshine

I am not the moon at night

Well, who else could I be

When I can hardly see?

I am not the sunshine

I am not the moon at night

I'm no one if I'm nowhere in between!"

Then Sunshine laughed to himself, a mad tone to it.

"When did I become afraid of the dark?

Was it when I left the cave and swore I'd never go back?

If we can't see each other, then there's no more use for hiding

I've decided I'll abide it

Why deny the color black?

I'm not a flower

Not a solar-powered calculator

Damn my eyes for seeing what's not there!..."

Once again, for a brief moment his nice tone ceased, before reappearing again. His eyes shined slightly in the faint light coming through the window, expression turning gentler, as if suddenly remembering something fond.

"I'll trade in vision for a practiced intuition!

'Til my fears come to fruition!

I'm not scared!~..."

But as fast as it came, as fast it was gone. The mad smile returned.

"I am not the sunshine

I am not the moon at night

Well, who else could I be

When I can hardly see?

I am not the sunshine

I am not the moon at night

I'm no one if I'm nowhere in between!"

He kept gesturing around. His voice was slowly turning into something of a scream.

"The future must know where you've been

The past predicts the state you're in...!

The present did and will not last!

Is, isn't, was, have, hasn't, has!..."

Suddenly his tone grew gentle as he motioned towards the mirror, expression almost pleading.

"All that I ask is, keep those empty frames

If nobody's in them, then no one is to blame...

For your self-portraits, sign another name

Well, who should I be then, if I'll never be the same?..."

The intonation suddenly changed once again, this time into the so very familiar, yet unfamiliar, melodic scream.

"I will be my sunshine!

I will be my moon at night!

Who else could I be

When I can't fucking see?!

I will be my sunshine!

I will be my moon at night!"

His voice cracked a little, and began quieting down.

"I'm nowhere now

There's no one now to... be﹏"

By now, Julie was very concerned. She wanted to check up on Dr Sunshine. But as she carefully opened the door and stepped through, he immediately dragged her to dance. Just as the last time, she did not oppose. Even if for just a while, he appeared like a sane man.

"And if dreams can come true

What does that say about nightmares...?"

Sunshine mused as he spinned along with Julie, eventually leaning extremely close to her. It was almost like a hug. And he finally whispered...

"I'll stay awake tonight..."

For a while they stayed motionless. Finally, they subtly pulled away from each other.

– Julie, my dear, I'd like to ask for your assistance with a certain matter... – Dr Sunshine said, a slightly ominous smirk on his lips.

– What should I do, doctor?

He grabbed a knife from a table, handed it to her and looked into her eyes. As he did so, a shiver ran down her spine. His gaze was absent. Wild. Unfamiliar.

– ...Kill me – Sunshine replied so casually. Like it was a normal thing.

Julie's eyes widened, and her heart started racing. What now?

– W... what...? – she stammered out, still not quite believing her senses.

– Kill me – he repeated.

– I... N-no, doctor, I... I can't...

– Yes, you can, Julie. Kill me.

– Doctor, I... N-no, it is wrong...

– It is not wrong. I asked for it myself. Kill me.

It carries on like this for a while. She keeps refusing, he keeps insisting, but by no means is he forcing her. She cannot handle this thought alone. She cannot bring herself to do it.

That is when Annica returned. The daughter of death appeared behind Julie's back, carrying an old axe, its silver blade stained with dry blood. Her eyes are feral.

She took a swing. With an unknown force, Julie's body moved. The knife was now in Dr Sunshine's chest.

He let out a laugh as he fell to his knees. He then looked up at Julie. His smile was still mad and unfamiliar, but that small spark of humanity shone through his eyes.

– Thank you... – the scientist muttered out before collapsing on the floor.

Julie's mind is screaming, thoughts running a mile a second. She can barely hear Annica laugh sinisterly.

Her legs gave up. She started sobbing as she sat there, right beside his dead body.

The sun began to rise.

***

Cotard entered the lobby, seeing Julie sitting at the small table there, her expression thoughtful and with a tinge of sadness.

– Hello, miss Julie – he greeted.

– Ah... Good day, Cotard... Are you looking for Dr Sunshine?

– Yes, I am. Is he available right now?

– I'm sorry... – she stood up from her seat and walked over to the side of the table, finally raising her gaze to look Cotard right in the face. – ...He's dead.

Cotard didn't even look all that surprised.

– Dr Sunshine is dead? What happened?

– I... – Julie looked down again, struggling to let the truth through her throat. – I killed him...

– Oh? But why? You liked him, didn't you?

She turned around, facing away from him, her eyes shiny with tears, sorrow twisting her lips.

– ...I loved him.

– Then why did you murder him? – Cotard asked, despite knowing the answer very well.

– He... – her voice was trembling slightly. – He asked me to... And then something helped me to fulfill his wish...

– Ah... I see. I shalln't be taking any more of your time then. Goodbye, miss Julie.

And without a word more, Cotard left, leaving the assistant alone as she began sobbing again.

***

Mr Capgras was standing in front of the secondhand vanity that he once gifted to Dr Sunshine, tracing his fingers along the mirror frame.

– And if dreams can come true... – he mused to himself. – What does that say about nightmares?

Capgras stared into his own eyes for a moment before a faint smile tugged at his lips.

– I'll stay awake tonight...

He then left the room, leaving it in complete darkness.

A reflection of shadow glistened inside the mirror.

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Inevitable - part five - Enlightening debates

I know you didn't read part four. Here it is.

– Why did you bring it over here, doctor? – Julie asked, looking into the corner of the lab where the secondhand vanity now stood.

– You know the lobby is more or less a public space – he answered. – I don't want such a unique gift to be damaged.

– If you think that the lab is safe enough...

– Could you pass me the hydroiodic acid, please?

Another dawn, another day spent on science. And it brought some surprises. As Dr Sunshine and his assistant were working on another experiment, someone knocked on the door.

Julie came over to the lobby to greet the guest. It was a young man with elegant cold blonde hair and ice blue eyes. He was wearing a dark teal suit with black shoes, a white shirt underneath his jacket, adorned with a red ribbon tie. He had an air of mystery about him, or was it just the way he smiled?

– Hello, miss – he said. His voice was clear, but not loud. – My name is Cotard Calamitas, but please, just call me Cotard.

– Well... Pleased to meet you, Cotard - she answered. – I'm Julie. Are you looking for Doctor Sunshine?

– Yes, I am. Is he available right now? I'd like to exchange a few words with him.

She peeked behind the lab door, asking if Sunshine was very busy right now. Hearing his answer, she let Cotard in, and left the two men alone.

– Hello, Doctor Sunshine – Cotard said, that subtle smile never leaving his face.

– Good day, sir... – the scientist replied as he observed the guest. – Who might you be, and what do you need?

– I am Cotard Calamitas, a mere scholar. And what I need is a conversation.

– A conversation...?

– I need something to get my brain going. I have heard about your brilliant mind, and I believe that this conversation would surely be an enlightening one.

Dr Sunshine was somewhat surprised. But he decided, why not?

– And what would you want to talk about...?

Cotard's smile widened by a tiny bit, and he started musing as he gestured subtly and walked around in slow and small steps. He looked very comfortable with his surroundings and the scientist's presence.

"Why, I can't see

That I am the 'me'

That I was born into...

And what's the source of you?"

His tone suddenly changed to a more intense one for a slightly longer while, before returning to normal.

"In your head, in your head, in your head

And yet you believe it's true

Well, you do

Like you knew anything!

Never ever trust in yourself

Or anyone else

We've always all been wrong...

And we built these walls strong..."

Sunshine was quite surprised by Cotard's intelligence. This meeting was very promising. He then chimed in, sneaking in a strong note of intensity into his voice.

"Even I

Might defy

Won't deny

That I'm trying

While my eyes

Do defy

And belie

Quiet liars

As I say

What I say

Any way

I might be saying it

But I've been wrong before!"

Then Cotard continued.

"You can break a shovel when you break new ground!

You dig dirt up when you dig deep down!

You should know better than that by now!

It's not profound to know that you could, you could-"

The scientist repeated after him.

"You can break a shovel when you break new ground!

You dig dirt up when you dig deep down!

You should know better than that by now!

It's not profound to know that you could never know!

You could never know!

You could never know!

You could never know!..."

Then Cotard took the lead, his voice turning somewhat gentle.

"Don't you forget

That all you project

Is just to protect you from

The void within the form..."

And with a groan, his smile widened even more, his tone intense once again, as the two kept exchanging thoughts.

"Yes or no?"

"Isn't null!"

"Yes it is!"

"No, I don't know!"

"Yes or no?"

"Isn't that a silly question?"

"Ask it anyway, 'cause

What we are is

(Gotta get to the bottom of this)

What we are not

(Gotta get to the bottom of this)

’ehjeh ’ăšer ’ehjeh...

(Gotta get to the bottom of this)

What myths must make us man!?

What is 'is'?"

"What is 'not'?"

"What is 'what'?"

"What's up party people!?"

"What? What I wonder?

Why I'm not whatever

What the fuck 'cause

You can break a shovel when you break new ground!

You dig dirt up when you dig deep down!

You should know better than that by now!

It's not profound to know that you could, you could-"

And Sunshine repeated after him.

"You can break a shovel when you break new ground!

You dig dirt up when you dig deep down!

You should know better than that by now!

It's not profound to know that you could never know!

You could never know!

You could never know!

You could never know!..."

Then Cotard's voice turned more melodic, as he clapped along to the rhythm of his words.

"I noticed that the sunshine is a gaslight

I'm hoping that this one might be my past life

My Lord, I know enough to get my facts right

And that's good enough for me!

And everything and everyone will die soon

And we'll have nothing left for us to lie to

No matter what we seek you'll never find truth

And that's good enough for me!

So give me that old time religion...

Give me that old time religion...

Give me that old time religion...

It's good enough for me!

So give me that old time religion...

Give me that old time religion...

Give me that old time religion...

It's good enough

But not enough

To be good enough for me!..."

Sunshine joined in, their voices as one.

"You can break a shovel when you break new ground!

You dig dirt up when you dig deep down!

You should know better than that by now!

It's not profound to know that you could, you could-

You can break a shovel when you break new ground!

You dig dirt up when you dig deep down!

You should know better than that by now!

It's not profound to know that you could never know!"

After a few deep breaths, Dr Sunshine let out a quiet chuckle, that slowly grew louder. He could not contain his smile anymore.

– Oh, my! I do hope that this... conversation was enlightening on both ends, Cotard.

– Surely it was, Doctor Sunshine – he replied, that subtle smile never shifting.

– But about one thing you are wrong...

– Oh?

– I WILL find the truth! - he flashed a confident smile.

– The truth about...?

– The essence of human existence.

– Well then, I wish you luck, Doctor Sunshine.

As Cotard was preparing to leave, Sunshine accompanied him to the exit door, where they bid a farewell. The scholar may have left, but the scientist's smile did not. He felt very pleased with this encounter.

– How was the meeting, doctor? – Julie asked.

– That man, I tell you... He has that air about him, but I can't put my finger on it...

– Shall we continue where we left off?

– Oh yes, let us get back to work.

With a jolly attitude, he entered the lab once again.

***

– Ladies... It is him. – Cotard said.

– I told you. But no one ever listens to me! – the woman in white crossed her arms with an angry huff.

– It's quite funny how everyone believes in death, yet very few acknowledge fate... – the blonde girl stated as she played with a knife, trailing her fingers along the blade.

– But it doesn't mean that fate doesn't exist... – the blue lady added.

– And fate cannot be changed... – Cotard replied with a nod. – ...Go. Have your fun. It'll be time soon...