#Christmas glurge

[idrawtooslow]

Cracktheories About the Vanessaverse

Last year, @strange-aeons released a YouTube video about what she calls the Vanessaverse: the seemingly half-intentional alternate reality in which Netflix's Vanessa Hudgens Christmas movies are set. It is a deeply hilarious and fascinating video and you should watch it, if for no other reason that this long post will not make much sense otherwise.

Because, you see, I've been crack-theorizing about the Vanessaverse, and what I've come up with feels sound enough to share, at least on Tumblr.

I have two separate cracktheories, so let's establish some terminology and some common elements, first.

The Vanessaverse differs from our own in that much of Eastern Europe is controlled by an incredibly powerful, reality-warping entity that I call the Eldritch Master of Secular Christmas, or EMOSC for short. Who or what this entity is, and what its purpose is, differs between cracktheories. I call EMOSC's domain the Christmas Realm.

The Christmas Realm extends across southeastern Europe and possibly parts of western Asia. Outside this area, EMOSC's power to warp reality is severely limited. This is why Scotland and the US are (relatively) similar to the way they are in the real world. Montenero is a special case, it seems: an independent country on the fringe of EMOSC's influence, highly analogous to real-life Montenegro, and the location of choice for diplomats from the Vatican, or the rest of the world, to interact with EMOSC.

Native subjects of the Christmas Realm, however, and those around them, may be influenced by EMOSC wherever they are. This is one explanation for why seemingly unaffiliated protagonists and other characters wind up experiencing effects and narratives that should only occur within the Christmas Realm (but that commonly occur in highly sentimental straight-to-video movies). It's possible that EMOSC is able to psychically influence people whose ancestors came from the Christmas Realm, and those close to them.

So much for commonality. Let's get into the individual cracktheories about what's actually going on in these narratives.

Cracktheory 1: The characters of the Gaffer and the Crone are both aspects of the Eldritch Master of Secular Christmas, which manipulates its subjects according to strange and inscrutable whims, mostly revolving around matchmaking and the concept of secularized Christmas. Within the Christmas Realm, it is considered taboo to speak of Them or Their powers. Instead, one should pretend that events are entirely ordinary. It's possible that the Gaffer and the Crone are able to alter people's perceptions, so that they don't notice any contradictions. The latter would explain how the Gaffer and the Crone are able to create bizarre secular-Christmas situations ouside the Christmas Realm.

This version of EMOSC is fairly benign, actually, at least as far as we know. It seems to be managing Its own affairs, for the most part, occasionally calling a child of former subjects home, but little more. It seems to just like to mash the action figures together and make everything Christmassy.

In this theory, the self-referential Netflix Christmas movies are "based on a true story" or actually dramatized documentaries of some kind, made for an audience interested in EMOSC, but they respectfully obey the Christmas Realm's taboo and pretend EMOSC doesn't exist.

Cracktheory 2: EMOSC is, in fact, Vanessa Hudgens: a vast polydimensional, chrono-dynamic entity that can manifest a possibly infinite number of avatars of itself into multiple timelines broadly similar to our own. This is a more malevolent EMOSC, obsessed with stage-managing complex, WandaVision-like scenarios for its avatars and whoever catches its attention. It is even able to manifest avatars outside the Christmas Realm, although sometimes they end up looking a little less like EMOSC's chosen appearance as a human. The power and selfishness this implies makes this version of EMOSC seem like an incredibly dangerous entity to cross.

In this theory, the Gaffer and the Crone are avatars of a far older and more benevolent polydimensional entity, that is trying to contain Vanessa Hudgens and limit the damage It can cause to the Multiverse. This entity can't face EMOSC direcly, and has to resort to subterfuge and redirection in order to keep itself safe while still mitigating EMOSC's machinations. It seems to only be able to manifest one avatar at a time, although understanding how these entities interact with linear time is difficult for baseline humans.

Also in this theory, the self-referential Netflix Christmas movies are produced directly by EMOSC Itself, in furtherance of Its goals. They may actually have some sort of esoteric effect on baseline humans, but are also useful in reinforcing core Vanessa Hudgens characteristics on avatars that may be diverging from EMOSC's consciousness. It's also highly likely that they are EMOSC's way of creating an audience for the scenarios It likes to act out.

What are YOUR theories about the Vanessaverse?

[markrosewater]

When you cast the holiday card Seasonal Sequels, does the card you target have to be the subject/base of the sequels you pitch? For example, if you target It Came From Planet Glurg, do you need to come up with something like "The Glurg That Stole Christmas," or can it be just any holiday MTG themed pitch unrelated to the target?

Yes, they have to be about that spell, and also holiday-themed. Note, they can be about any holiday, but what holiday needs to be clear.

[prophetrick]

I am thoroughly aware that Japan’s Christmas traditions are quite different from the US. And yes, this is coming after Christmas. But will that stop me from developing a weird-ass b-movie monster plot for Christmas in Japan that borders on crack taken seriously? Nope. Always spoopy time in this bitch! In fact, I’ve got some npc enemies which I’ve been just dying to use. Some of you older lot might know of the Gingerbrood Men. Especially if you know your Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Basically, the Broodwich is a devilishly good sandwich that might be sentient. Or there’s a disembodied entity attached to it that talks to you. Any time you munch on it, it teleports you to a different dimension. It has this elaborate description that’s absolutely metal. While this could work as an HPA/FF mission, this wouldn’t be exclusive to Dangan Ronpa! I bet Genocider Sho, Sakura, Nekomaru, Akane and Teruteru, Juzo, The Great Gozu, and maybe Tenko would have a blast laying waste to these guys. Med staff are probably going to try and figure out what this is, assuming it has any physiological/mental symptoms on the body, too. So I suppose a Mikan would have some investment in this..and that nurse from DR:KK. Occult networks would know about this, too. So the Swollen Eye? Hunter.net? Anything else you can think of? Maybe the odd detective/cold case file? They’re getting information on this phenomena. Come to think of it, it might not be too much out of place in World of Horror but might be veering into Bloodborne territory. Hm. The major problem I face is that I haven’t given these buggers a weakness, much less a proper way to damage them or a cure for a certain status condition.

The start of it is an entity. Eldritch for certain. But it has a desire to spread happiness and joy, because it feeds off those emotions. It desires companionship, and it’s been watching humanity for some time. What better way to go about it than a symbol of benevolence? The gingerbrood men are its servitors, but it uses them to create companions. One bite from these little bastards has a chance to have someone undergo... Santanthropy. Because that's just the most cleverest name for some kind of lycanthropy ever. (': The poor victim doesn't realize it, but they've got the desire to do good. Give presents, a kind word, yadda yadda. Glurge overload. It works within a few weeks. That mean old man down the street? Seems like he's seen a Scrooge recovery! All the while, they're growing these flesh-like protrusions on their heads. We shall call these...Santannae. While the victim is able to communicate with other victims, they've been noticing they've become addicted to this feeling of good will. It goes without saying they'll be donning santa gear. Gotta keep things consistent. And they've always got a hat to hide their santannae. They're used to tap into the hive mind of this entity. This entity targets the lonelier souls, and distributes the gingerbrood men through unsuspecting [insert KFC substitute here] restaurants. Jovial and charismatic people aren’t off the list, either. Unfortunately, that's the extent of what I have. At some point while being afflicted with Santanthropy, they’ll be able to access...I dunno, the Helworld? Haven’t thought of a name for the dimension. But the longer the person has Santanthropy, the greater the chance of that world keeping them with little chance for escape.

You’ll probably want a metal description of the gingerbrood men, right? Gotta do it in caps because...you know, it’s metal. [clears throat] [insert heavy metal music with breakneck speed here]

666 GINGER ROOTS BURIED DEEP WITHIN THE DARKEST CREVASSES OF SATAN’S PLEASURE GARDENS.

CINNAMON BARK IN THE HALLOWS OF DESPAIR.

BUTTER WHIPPED FROM THE MILK OF A GOLIATH-SIZED SIX-LEGGED COW BY FOUND ONLY IN THE FARTHEST REACHES OF THE URSA MAJOR.

MARZIPAN FILLING, WITH ALMONDS HARVESTED FROM THE TREES IN THE HALLOWS OF INFESTATION.

(lovingly) BAKED BY SURGOT WITH HONEY MADE BY HORRIBEES, BEES WITH CHAINSAWS FOR HANDS AND THREE HEADS WITH THE FACE OF NICHOLAS CAGE.

SUGAR GLAZING EKED AND REFINED FROM THE TEARS OF CHERUBS.

Or something to that effect. There are no gum drops evil enough to safely reside on the Gingerbrood Men.

[cactusstree]

i was tagged by @shakesexual to do this!

rules: answer 17 questions and tag 17 ppl you want to get to know better

nickname: my name is rachel so just rach haha

zodiac sign: virgo!

height: 5’2” unfortunately

hogwarts house: either hufflepuff or ravenclaw ive never been able to decide

last thing googled: abdominal pain when coughing 😳😬

song stuck in my head: last christmas by wham!

following: 390

followers: 987

amount of sleep i get: usually 6-8 hours but i haven’t been sleeping lately bc of my bronchitis lmao

lucky numbers: 13

dream job: national park ranger or working at the monterey bay aquarium OR writing children’s books

wearing: pajamas

favorite songs: I HAVE SO MANYY probably the wedding list by kate bush and im not going to say any others bc then this post will be like three paragraphs

instruments: i was in choir for like six years thats it lol

random fact: im having an early christmas day (listening to music, burning peppermint candle, etc.) bc im SICK and DEPRESSED also no one can stop me

aesthetics: farmer who lives somewhere very misty and only wears overalls with wool sweaters

i feel like i dont even know 17 ppl on here but imma do my best!

@mammamiadyke @glurg @ratatouiile @celestialsummer22 @gaykatebush @soracities @dykecafe @horatiology @janellegf @lesbianrey @violentwavesofemotion @vsackville-west @nightshiftmp3 @medusagirlfriend @maryoliverpdf @imdykee @longingcore

(i dont think im mutuals with all of you guys i just really like your blogs!!)

[friendlylocalgeek]

5 6 10 for the three songs ask

Three Songs You Wish You Could Forget (Because Listening To them Hurts):

Only song that really comes to mind is “Levon” by Elton John; it reminds me too much of my own estranged family relationships

Three Songs You Wish You Could Erase From History (Because They’re Terrible): 

“Santa Baby”, except maybe the Eartha Kitt version

“The Christmas Shoes” (the very definition of “glurge”)

“Delilah” by Barry Manilow (am I supposed to feel sorry for the guy who killed his ex in a jealous rage or not?)

Three Favorite Halloween/Spooky Songs:

“Ghostbusters” by Ray Parker Jr.

“Creepy Doll” by Johnathan Coulton

“The Ghost of Stephen Foster” by the Squirrel Nut Zippers

[mcnutcase]

I NEVER hear the fun Christmas songs from Britain over here.

Ugh. I made the mistake of going into a store without headphones during Christmas.

I didn't realize we were already on Full Christmas Music Lockdown. It's not even December yet!

[mcnutcase]

Family insisted we go to Target for Christmas shopping. I am going to hunt down the fucker responsible for the boomer glurge cover of Merry Xmas Everybody.

[rapbserry]

I'm lazy and it took me so long to do this but I'm cooking pasta so let's do this:

Answer these questions the tag 20 people you'd like to get to know better,

nickname: my sister calles me mary christmas or maria carey a lot this time of year but usually it's mariú.... one of my faves songs goes 'parlami d'amore mariuuuu' so it's nice

Height: 168 cm

Time: 12:30

Fav musician: idk but Kendrick Lamar was my most listened this year and I love him so I guess

Song stuck in my head: ARRE BURREQUITO ARRE BURRO ARREEE ANDA MÁS DE PRISA QUE LLEGAMOS TArDeeeee.... idk the official name but iconic

Last film I saw: the Blair witch project

Last thing I googled: mulled wine recipe ( I had friends over yesterday)

Why this username: idk others were taken and I'm dislexic and love raspberries

Do I get asks: I don't think so lol maybe sometimes but I don't think people have anything to say to me here understandably

Following: I think around 300 but most of them are inactive

What I'm wearing: 😏 a Charlie's angels hoodie and sweats cause I'm studying

Dream job: doctor I guess asfkfls if I finish uni. I guess I'd like to paint better and be able to make a career out of it but unrealistic

Favourite food: ice creaaam I'm Sicilian. Also sea food

Play any instruments: no I'm talentless 😞

Hair color: dark brown

Languages spoken: Italian English Spanish some French and I'm working in my german but it's super hard :/

Random fact: I can't pronounce the letter r properly in Italian I pronounce it kinda like the French. People think it's cute mostly and I'm too lazy to change it

Describe yourself as aes thing: man I hate this but I guess I'm almost always wearing little chains and I also have a plants in my room so I guess that

Most iconic song: idk but maybe dancing queen by abba,, perfectly embodies being young and confused about what you want so just thriving off attention and like.dancing without a care

I tag everyone who wants to do it but also I don't wanna pressure anybody so like. Idk do it if you see this and you'd like.... tag me if you get around to do it!! 💓💓

Thank u @glurg for tagging me 💘

[notanicequeen-blog]

The Classics, and Pretension

(note from Elsa: yes, I am aware I was supposed to submit a book review the other day. but between doctors, illnesses, and wrangling a new puppy [his name is Puck, he’s adorable], I just did not have time to put it together, so it will be a week late.)

Hey there, folks. Elsa here, and I'm not an ice queen. And today I'm here to tell you…it's okay. It is okay if you don't like literature that has been deemed "classic." No, really! It's okay! Trust me. There's nothing wrong with you. You are allowed to keep telling people that you love to read, even if you don't like "the classics."

Maybe you had to read The Catcher in the Rye for an English class, and your professor told you it was the most amazing book and that Holden was the most fascinating character ever, in all of history, but by the end of the book you were sort of creeped out by how much Holden fetishized unnatural innocence and you were morbidly glad that J.D. Salinger couldn't call you from beyond the grave, because you wouldn't want to chat with him. (And maybe you went and looked up Comin' Thro' the Rye and proceeded to laugh yourself sick because one of the most common interpretations is that it's about sex.)

Maybe you were interested in Arthurian legends, so you decided to read The Once and Future King for class, and halfway through the book you couldn't help but to wonder, vaguely uncomfortably, when the author stopped caring for his characters in the slightest.

Maybe you were told that you needed to read a Dickens book but it wasn't allowed to be A Christmas Carol, so you picked up Oliver Twist, and a third of the way through the slog you couldn't find any of the alleged parody because all you could picture was Mr. Dickens flailing his arms over his head and desperately shouting, "LOOK HOW TRAGIC!" (And maybe you might have shot the next person you heard say the word 'parochial.')

Maybe a professor told you that No Country for Old Men was fascinating, but you wanted to take a red pen and add in each and every comma, capital letter, and quotation mark that the author clearly forgot because it started to drive you crazy on page four and you knew you would never be allowed to get away with that sort of thing, and maybe you found Chigurh and his steadfast evil painfully uninteresting because if a person is a force of nature then it doesn't really offer you much to get invested in.

I'm pretty sure you get my point by now. All I'm saying is that you aren't required to find anything of value in the classics. You aren't dumb if you can't bring yourself to like them. It doesn't mean you don't get it. It just means you didn't like them, and that's okay.

That isn't actually the entire point of this, though.

This entry is twofold. One part was to let you know it's okay, obviously. The other part is to let you know how to deal with people who don't think it's okay.

See, not everyone is as lucky as I was. In all of the examples above, my teachers thought I was funny. Sure, my professor didn't agree with my thoughts on Catcher, but he thought I was clever, admitted it was a valid interpretation, and gave me an A on the paper.

Sometimes, though, you're going to run into people who sniff, "You don't like The Great Gatsby?" and they'll probably do so in such a way that you will spontaneously grow a monocle. And they will make you feel like you're stupid and like you just don't get it.

For whenever that happens, I have some advice for you.

Muster up as much cloying, saccharine cheer as you can. I mean some serious, sugary glurge. Until you feel like you're going to barf from it.

Now, you take all of that vomitous sweetness and you unleash it upon whoever is being a condescending prick at you, and whilst perfectly picturing yourself kicking them squarely in the crotch, you ask them to explain exactly why they think it's so great. Just keep asking 'But why?' every time they finish answering; become the meme, you have to go deeper.

Soon enough they'll get annoyed and leave and you'll have had the satisfaction of chasing them off without actually doing anything objectionable, or occasionally it turns into an actual conversation. Win/win, really.

[wrenchmxster]

🔥Movies?

That’s a tough one. I’m really picky about movies and only watch a few every once in a while. I have the ones I love obsessively and the ones I cheerfully love to hate (nearly everything covered by MST3K – figures). 

I *could* say something about how I’m sick TO DEATH of live-action Disney remakes. I think everyone is now, but I was saying it the moment I walked out of Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland,” when everyone I knew was still going gaga over it. Disney’s wasting so much time, money, and creative potential on these things. But again, I don’t think that’s an unpopular opinion at all. Hm…

OH! I know. “Love Actually.” 

I   H A T E D   “Love Actually.” And while I am not much of a romcom person to begin with, that was one of the only ones I think that ever made me well and truly furious that it was ever made, and that I was being forced to waste my time on it by my female friends/relatives who thought it was the goddamn Ben Hur of romcoms. It’s AWFUL. It’s just fluff, no real substance or emotion, no real tension or conflict unless it’s just forced as all hell – it’s manipulative and lazy in how it tries desperately to wring feelings out of you, like one of those glurge stories that your aunt reposts on Facebook. And to add insult to injury, it had a bunch of actors I really like! Colin Firth, Emma Thompson, Martin Freeman, Bill Nighy, Liam Neeson, Alan Rickman – watching all these people that usually draw me to movies and shows wasting their time and talent on this nonsense just made me even angrier. It doesn’t get me in the Christmas spirit as much as it gets me in the punch-a-fucking-screenwriter spirit.

[idrawtooslow]

A Christmas Pop Song Rant

You see, the thing I hate isn't Christmas music as a whole. I adore carols and Christmas hymns. It's the Christmas-themed popular music I can't stand.

Maybe I should explain the difference, although I expect a lot of folks already know: while we all use the terms indiscriminately, a "Christmas carol" is technically a song that's worded and structured as either a lullaby for the newborn Jesus, or a joyous announcement of His arrival. Most carols are very old traditional songs, or started out that way, but there are a few notable modern compositions that achieve a similar feel to the traditional carols, notably "Silent Night."

A "Christmas hymn" is generally addressed to God the Father instead of Jesus, but deals with Christmas themes. It's a hymn for the Christmas season. This does overlap quite a bit with the definition of "carol," especially if you want to bring Holy Trinity semantics into it, but I think calling "O Holy Night" a Christmas hymn is a fairly uncontroversial choice. The fact that it's a great song to sing while caroling doesn't disqualify it.

Christmas popular music, on the other hand… is popular music with a secular-Christmas theme. By "popular music," though, I mean any commercial music product that was originally produced to make money, whether it's "Jingle Bells" or a modern pop megastar's latest charity-fundraiser Christmas album. These songs almost exclusively shy away from older religious elements of Christmas in favor of celebrating secularized versions like Santa Claus and Christmas trees, or generic winter traditions like snowmen, coziness, and winter sports. And, yes, there are a few weird, cursed things like "Deck the Halls" (a traditional Welsh tune repurposed in the 19th century as a Christmas pop song), and there's probably some contemporary-praise artist who tried creating a new, contemporary-praise, Christmas song instead of making pepped-up versions of old Christmas carols and hymns… almost certainly equally cursed.

I should probably clarify that I'm not denouncing the secularization of Christmas. Midwinter celebrations are far, far older than Christianity, and the modern Christmas shopping season is not only a crucial element of late-stage Capitalist society, but also a highly visible example of consumers acting neither rationally nor in their own "enlightened" self-interest, and as such, I'm not going to knock it.

What I object to is the nature of most Christmas pop music. Almost without exception, there's a strong "I heard you like Christmas, so I made you some Christmas with a Christmas, so you can Christmas your Christmas with Christmas while you Christmas the Christmas this Christmas" vibe to this music, and worse, a sense of forced cheerfulness and jollity. It reaches deep down to my hindbrain and makes all my social anxieties say, "Oh, crap, here we go again." Much of it also is obvously just thrown together with minimal effort, expense, or artistic expression, simply as shovelware for a jingle-bell-addled consumer market.

The most heinous Christmas pop songs are formulated specifically to target children. Little children, Mandrake! And despite this, we are all subjected to these songs for up to four months prior to Christmas. Can you imagine what would happen to a sporting-goods store if they habitually played "Baby Shark" and the Barney theme on their Muzak?

While I can say that most of it "just isn't very good," that's a personal opinion and I refuse to claim it's relevant. But I theorize that one more reason I find so much Christmas pop music tedious and irritating is because the concept of a safely non-religious, uncontroversial "holiday season," based almost entirely on subjective feelings and concepts, is too vague, confused, and artificial to truly inspire either artist or audience.

By contrast, most Christmas carols and Christmas hymns were products of the old Christendom society, and the creators and intended audience were shaped their whole lives by European Christendom, whether they believed or not. The subject matter and relevance were powerful to them in a way that it's hard for us to understand today.

There are some anti-Christmas songs I enjoy, but anti-Christmas songs occupy a very precarious niche in the popular music ecology. A song can only be "anti-Christmas" until the Monolithic Secular Christmas Music Juggernaut adopts and assimilates it. We need to learn from what happened to "Fairytale of New York."

[ilaaer]

In response to the shameless commercial encroachment of Christmas glurge into October I have decided to live in the spirit of autumn every day from now until New Year's Eve.