#Christian summer camp AND a week in god’s worse environment for a boy like me (dad’s summer house with no Wi-Fi) await me

[www-pinkhearse]

God my white boy summer has been miserable so far and it’ll get worse

[itsjustcommon]

My Testimony... finally

I’ve been avoiding writing this out for a long time. I’ve always had a hard time sharing my testimony. But recently I’ve seen a few people share theirs and it helped me a lot, so maybe mine can help someone else.

The thing I guess that I’m ashamed of most is that worst sins came after I was saved. My story is one of backsliding down Everest basically. But I’ll start in the beginning.

I was raised in a household that professed to be Christian. I was in church almost three times a week. I was forced to memorize scripture since 9 (I’m much more grateful for that now than I was then). Despite my parents being Christian we didn’t talk a lot about it. I remember in sixth grade we had a Sex Ed portion of our science class. I went to school in Wisconsin, it was a very liberal curriculum. They told us about pornography and masturbation and how they were a healthy part of growing up. Now I have to give my 6th grade self credit because something immediately sketched me out about that. I went to my mom and straight up asked her if masturbation was a sin. She said she would get back to me… I still haven’t gotten an answer from her yet.

Despite being extremely curious, I didn’t go there. That next summer my family moved from Wisconsin, all the way to Louisiana. I went to a small public school called Church Point middle, which is ironic because it was opposite of anything remotely godly. I guess kids are more sheltered in the town I was from because I learned a lot the next year. These kids were sexually active, knew every swear word you could think of, got into fights constantly, were so disrespectful to everyone and everything around them. It was honestly one of the worst years of my life. I stuck out like a sore thumb, I didn’t curse, I couldn’t tell you much about sex, I actually tried to do well in class, I was nice to the teachers, I had a weird northern accent and I pretty much kept to myself. Prime bullying material. I got called pretty much every name in the book but because the guys were so aggressive, my friends were pretty much exclusively girls, so queer was the name they settled on. I found out later it was someone I thought was my friend who started that rumor. At this point I had basically one friend- her name was Natia, she was a lesbian that already had a 1 year old baby-in seventh grade.

Seventh grade is where I started watching porn, I was already depressed and I felt like I couldn’t go to my parents for anything. My behavior started conforming to the people around me, I started swearing, manipulating people, cheating, getting into fights, ironically I developed this pridefulness over being morally superior to the people around me-despite engaging in all the same activities.

Eighth grade my parents moved me and my sisters into a private Christian school my mom worked at. That’s where I attended until I graduated. I was in a new environment so my actions changed accordingly. I became the meek kid again, I tried in school again, I stopped swearing(out loud), I became the good Christian boy I was expected to be. But there was one thing I couldn’t kick, I couldn’t stop watching porn, I didn’t want to either. I justified it because I has never heard anyone talk about porn in church, that must mean that it wasn’t a sin.

I met a kid named Timothy in eighth grade, there was something different about him. He was funny without being vulgar, he was a leader without trying, he loved Jesus not just with his mouth but his whole life. He was someone I wanted to be friends with, I wanted him to show me what he had that I didn’t. He was effortlessly Timothy, I felt like every move I made was all an act.

It wasn’t until sophomore year that we got close. But I got so much worse in the meantime. I was looking at pornography on an almost daily basis. The “soft core” stuff wasn’t enough for me anymore. I actually started watching gay porn, partially because I was still insecure from being called queer everyday for a year, it was a way to reclaim my sexuality I guess, make it my choice, and in part just because it was something that felt new and different. Again during all this time I still considered myself a Christian.

My sophomore schedule worked out in a way that I spent most of my day with Timothy, including a free period. It was because of this that we became really close. I remember one conversation where he asked me if I had ever shared my faith with someone. I told that I hadn’t and he challenged me to really think about why that was. He started reading the Bible with me, giving me books to read on my own, really discipling me. He confronted me about my sin and got me to the point where I admitted that I wasn’t acting like a Christian, and not only that but I had never acted like a Christian. He made me realize the title of Christian is a hat you can take off and on. That part of my sophomore year was one of the best seasons of my life. I felt like the dusty skeletons of religion became this thing that made me feel alive, really alive. For the first time reading the Bible felt new and fresh and exciting. It was my lifeblood

This is when I really started feeling convicted about my pornography addiction. I reached out to a mentor figure from my church who was a few years older than me. I called him in the middle of the night crying about how ashamed I was and how I needed someone to keep me accountable. And things got better, it wasn’t perfect repentance but God was changing my desires.

That same year my dad went to prison. That destroyed me, I’d never felt super close to my dad and all this did was push me further from him. My mom couldn’t afford rent with her single salary, if it weren’t for the church we would have been homeless. It was not a good time for my family. I fell back into my sin. And I feel like it was worse this time around because I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway. I stopped praying and going to church. I couldn’t even open my bible without wanting to throw up. I hated myself. I felt like God must hate me too.

I didn’t stay there long. I was able to forgive my dad and God brought me back. I helped a buddy start this small group program at our school and I threw myself into writing the curriculum and learning as much about God as possible. I learned that when I told others about the Gospel I was also preaching it to myself. When I stopped sharing the gospel I seemed to forget it too. My dad was released from prison in my senior year of high school, soon after he moved back in with my mom. Things seemed good, and they were. This was a season of restoration.

I was nearing graduation. I had good grades, I planned on going to LSU. I had the ACT scores, most of the cost would be covered by scholarships. I planned to major in philosophy and maybe to law school. One night when I was praying I got super convicted—I realized that I hadn’t gone to God for any of these major life decisions I was making on my own. So I asked him where he wanted me to go and he told me—the United States Air Force. So that was where I set my sights, I started getting prepared for that. It was strange because I went to a college prep school, it was assumed that I was going to college basically my whole life, I never thought about doing anything different.

This is a good time to talk about my summer job. I worked at a small baptist camp. I lived there during the summer in a house with 10 other Christian guys and worked with another 10 Christian girls. These people became my family almost immediately. We had weekly bible studies with our bosses, and often stayed up till morning just talking about Jesus. That summer was the closest I ever felt to God. I felt like he was revealing so much to me. All we did was serve campers and talk about Jesus so he was always on the forefront of my mind. I wish that season never came to an end.

At the end of the summer I shipped out to San Antonio for basic training. Armed with my Bible I was ready. It was tough, not because we did anything particular hard but because I felt so isolated from my friends and family. My first Sunday there I was able to attend church and it was so refreshing, I wept for most of the worship. Basic training was one of the most fruitful mission fields I’ve ever seen. All I had to do was open my bible and within 5 minutes someone would come up to me curious about God. I guess these people being isolated made them realize how hungry they were for the gospel.

After two months I graduated and headed to my tech training. I was there for 6 months. I didn’t have a car so I didn’t go to church. I got lazy. I stopped sharing the gospel, I stopped reading my Bible. And I backslide. I had this new found freedom to do whatever I wanted. I had no accountability to anyone. I was away from my parents for the first time and with it came incredibly loneliness. I fell back into my pornography addiction. It was worse than before, I had to look at crazier and crazier stuff to feel anything. And when porn wasn’t enough anymore I started talking to strangers online, posting pictures of myself on the internet. Someone recognized that I was in a Air Force dorm and asked me which base I was at. Turns out he lived 2 floors down from me. We had sex, it was just the next step, watching porn wasn’t doing it for me anymore so I lived out my fantasies. I found out later he was married. That didn’t stop me from seeing him a few more times. I just felt numb, even after I stopped seeing him. I knew it was the worst thing I’ve ever done but I couldn’t process any of my feelings about it. I started to punish myself by running every night. I would push myself to run 8 to 9 miles every night. I lost so much weight. It was incredibly unhealthy but I didn’t know what else to do. I had never messed up this badly, I felt like I lost my salvation. I couldn’t bear to think about it, so I didn’t. I kept running. I wanted to kill myself, but I was too afraid of Hell.

I went home for a few weeks after tech school was over in April. It was bittersweet, I missed them so much but I felt like I was lying to them. Finally I spilled my guts, I talked to one of my friends while I was home and I explained what I had done. Basically they told me to stop moping, I was at rock bottom but wasn’t doing anything about it. God commands repentance, so I needed to stop hiding from him. He was waiting with open arms. I took one step, I confessed to God and he was faithful to forgive. I took one step toward home and it felt like God ran to met me where I was at. Sometimes it was hard to “feel” forgiven. Eventually I had to acknowledge that I was forgiven even when I didn’t feel it.

I was assigned to my first permanent duty station that April. I’ve been here in Washington since then. I still struggle. I go to a small church, I’m part of a men’s bible study-I’m the youngest guy there by 35 years. It’s nice to be back in a position of being discipled, in my experience that typically means God is preparing me for something big. If I had to guess it’s probably my upcoming deployment. I’m hopeful for the future. God is still restoring me. Everyday I desire him more and my sin less. Sometimes progress seems slow going but it’s progress nonetheless. God is faithful, I’m confident he will finish the good work He began in me.

Takeaways:

If I'm not preaching the gospel as often as I can, I forget it. The number one way that I can be sure I'm keeping Jesus at the forefront of my mind is by telling other people what he did for sinners

There is no “too far gone”

Sometimes a Christian’s greatest sins are still in front of them, have faith that Jesus died for those sins too.

The Bible is serious when it says to flee sexual immorality. Do not toe the line. Run away-it is a slippery slope.

Scripture especially important to me:

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6)

Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-12)

If anyone in the LGBT+ community is reading this I want you to know I don’t hate you, I’m not better than you. I have no high horse to ride on.

I’m just a beggar telling another where I found bread.