Clarice's Story - Season 2
I recently finished Clarice's canon route in Season 2, and I'm currently replaying Season 3 to give myself a refresher on Seb and nail down the details of Clarice's story in that Season. So this will have a Part 2, but I want to write out the decisions made that ultimately led to The Least Satisfying Ending of Season 2™, and the reasons behind them that are informed by her past and personality. I know I care more about this than literally anyone, but I'm doing it anyway. So let's get started!
Before the Villa
Raised by Ursula, a famous actress with Antisocial Personality Disorder. She was very loving to Clarice, but wanted her to grow a hard shell like she did.
Ursula gets a participation trophy in parenting for trying her best, but alas, Clarice has severe anxiety that she can't properly express.
Didn't have any friends before going on the show.
Clarice applied for the show with the hope of finding someone nice, though she had very low expectations. She expected all the girls (and fans) to hate her because she went in planning to be ruthless. She was very aware that her mother will be watching, and wanted to make her proud.
Day 1
Friendly to Hope right off the bat - No reason not to be, right?
"I need to look after Number 1." - Clarice isn't underhanded. She tries to be as honest as possible, and this is no exception. The girls need to know where she stands.
"I'm more the quiet and mysterious type." - Outside the Villa, Clarice is much more reserved due to her upbringing.
Picked Noah - He's handsome and doesn't try some cheesy line right off the bat.
Objected to Hope picking him immediately - First day and she's already been screwed over. Her pride is hurt, and she's not going to take this lying down.
Thought Bobby was nice, but there was blatantly no sparks there. He didn't even step forward. She gave him no illusions that she's interested, and flirted with Noah and the other boys at every opportunity. Prioritized grafting over making friends.
However, she welcomed Priya and condemned Lottie for being unnecessarily nasty.
Clarice didn't make any outright enemies except Hope for stealing Noah.
Participated in Lottie's celebration of the Moon - Strategically important to be civil with the girls of course
Day 2
Stayed friendly with Priya, and tried to be with Lottie
Confronted Priya for stealing Bobby - Yeah, she didn't like Bobby herself, but this was the second time she'd had her partner stolen. She was angry and embarrassed.
Day 3
Helped Hannah during breakfast and encouraged her to toughen up - This isn't Friend Island.
Told Rocco to pick her - It wasn't enough to steal Bobby back. She didn't even like him. But there was no chance of getting Noah back from Hope. Rocco was her real second choice on Day 1, and taking him helps her save face.
Told Hannah that Gary won't choose her - She thinks Hannah is totally naive, but has been friendly thus far and respected her couple.
Day 4
"If there's no spark, you've got problems."
Insisted Gary apologizes to Marisol
Grinded on Noah during the Slime Challenge - She's not sure if she's actually interested in him yet, or if she's just trying to piss off Hope.
Spoke up for Priya doing the same thing, and ignores Lottie
Tried to keep the peace between Lottie and Priya, and helps them resolve the issue - It's easier to live in the Villa without needless drama. Clarice's anxiety is hiked up enough as it is.
Day 5
Clarice went down to the pool alone to meet Lucas and Henrik - Why wouldn't she?
While she never cheated on Rocco, she did connect with Lucas like she never had with anyone before. She found him charming and kind and admired his humility despite his obviously posh background.
She definitely suspected Marisol and Rocco having a thing, but hoped he would talk to her about it before acting on it.
Day 6
Clarice was furious about Rocco kissing Marisol during the Kiss and Tell challenge.
She confronted Marisol afterwards, but wasn't aggressive about it. Marisol was by far the girl she's closest to in the Villa at that point. Despite feeling hurt, she wasn't about to ruin the start of a genuine friendship over a man.
Day 7
Worked with Lottie to ice out Rocco, but does agree to speak with him privately.
She was honest about why the girls were upset with him, and unleashed a bit of fury upon him.
Helped Noah win Mr. Love Island - She started to genuinely connect with him and found him very sweet, even though she thought his devotion to Hope was over the top and completely irrational.
Day 8
Extremely worried about the Mean Tweets challenge. She's had more than her fair share of Mean Tweets outside the Villa. She was worried how she came across to the public. She was even worried the producers would throw in one of her mother's.
Oh yeah, Ursula livetweets every episode.
If I had to include one of her tweets in the challenge, it would be:
"It's like Bobby isn't even trying"
She hated that Lucas went home. He was the one person besides Noah that she could see herself having feelings for.
Day 9
Confused by why Lottie wants to get with Gary, but doesn't say anything discouraging. Agrees to not pick him at the next recoupling.
Picked Noah to go on the date - They turn out to have great chemistry, and Clarice was even hopeful that she might be able to choose him at the recoupling.
Clarice fell back on picking Henrik after Hope chose Noah. She didn't see herself with any of the other OG guys.
Day 10
Clarice agreed to work with Priya on Operation Nope - She wanted to be with Noah, and this was the perfect opportunity to really crack on with him. Obviously she knew that Priya fancied him too, but may the best woman win, right?
She didn't tell anyone about ON.
She actually related to Hope acting snappy out of fear, but Hope's insistence on focusing on her rubbed Clarice the wrong way. She tried finding a common ground, and Hope ignored the gesture. She used that as (very poor) justification for...
Clarice kissed Noah. She knew they were having a moment, and went for it. She regretted it after he panicked and left.
Clarice dodged Chelsea's first hug - Why would she want a total stranger touching her without asking?? Though she sort of regrets it in hindsight, because of how close they are now.
"So he's just going to pretend he's innocent then?"
Day 11
She downplayed the severity of Lottie's kiss with Gary - "Hannah only knew him for 3 days." Besides, she's not a hypocrite who would condemn someone else for doing the same thing she did.
Said no to helping Bobby and Marisol resolve the conflicts in the Villa - She didn't trust herself to not make things worse. If things get better, then they'll get better on their own.
Brought Hope the hot chocolate - She knew she was one of the biggest reasons Hope was miserable. They didn't get along, but Clarice never did any of it to hurt Hope. That being said...
She refused to apologize - That's not the kind of woman Ursula raised. She needed to remind herself that she is her Number 1 priority.
Clarice barely interacted with Jakub. He was never her type.
She did apologize to Henrik. She had an obligation to communicate her feelings to him, and didn't. So she apologized. She told him that she fancied Noah and wanted to pursue him, and they broke up.
Bobby was the one to come comfort her and start grafting. She shut it down pretty quickly.
After Marisol asked about it, Clarice told the truth and that she wasn't interested in him. Marisol asked who she is interested in, and she told her Ibrahim just to put a stop to the conversation.
Day 12
Clarice eavesdropped on Noah's conversation with Priya. She was so excited that Noah said he had feelings for her, and that it was all worth it.
No secret of Clarice's was exposed during the Down in Dirt challenge. But if Henrik had opened hers despite her insistence not to, it would've read:
"Clarice was once escorted out of her own great-aunt's pub."
Clarice insisted Priya apologize and make peace with Hope, but refused to back down herself after it came out that Noah wanted to pick her.
"Priya stirring the pot and getting away with it. Can't say I disapprove."
Day 13
Clarice ate the whole cake. Canonically. I don't care, it's one of my favorite parts of the game.
Clarice coupled up with Noah at the Disaster Recoupling.
She was so excited to finally be coupled up with him. She savored every kiss and every touch. That was it for her.
Day 14
Said goodbye to Noah before sneaking off to Casa Amor
The only guy who caught her interest was Kassam, but he clearly wasn't interested, so she never acted on it.
Arjun was basically the leftovers from the other girls, and he seemed like he would be respectful of her space, so Clarice ended up with Arjun for the entirety of Casa Amor. (Even though he didn't give her nearly enough space for her liking.)
Day 15
Clarice didn't volunteer for any extra Villa vs. Villa challenges.
Clarice insisted on remaining loyal to Noah throughout CA.
She enjoyed getting closer to the girls, but was otherwise very reserved.
Day 16
Clarice indulged in Lottie's tea reading, but refused to believe it.
Clarice was shocked by the video the girls received, but still refused to believe Noah would go and sleep with another girl. He wouldn't do that to Hope, and he wouldn't do that to her.
She tried to comfort Hope the rest of the time there. Hope was obviously still upset about the Disaster Recoupling, but she appreciated that Clarice had remained loyal during CA.
Day 17
Clarice spent breakfast with Kassam. She really enjoyed it.
Clarice stuck with Noah.
Day 18
Obviously, Clarice was hurt by Noah bringing back Blake.
Ursula had this to say about Blake's "trying so hard" comment:
"The cheek of this one. Good luck with your career after this, babe."
Looking back, she regards it as karma. Something she deserved.
She didn't really know how to handle it. She kept her distance from Blake as much as possible.
Agreed with Shannon that you get what you deserve in the Villa - She thinks about this conversation often, especially after how she finished the season.
Helped the girls figure out what happened while they were away, and sort of regretted it after...
Noah went back to Hope. Clarice's grievances were ignored and criticized. She was frustrated and hurt.
Clarice saved Elijah from the dumping. She thought maybe she could start to move on from Noah with him.
She said goodbye to Priya, and sort of hated Bobby for letting her be sent home.
She had her first anxiety attack at the Villa that night. Gary and Chelsea were the only ones who knew about it, because they were the ones who stayed up with her until she calmed down.
Day 19
Confided in Chelsea and Shannon that she wished she could've been with Noah
Rather than Shannon teaching her how to read body language, Clarice challenged her to another game of 2 Truths 1 Lie, claiming Ursula raised a perfect liar. (She lost. But Shannon said she should try poker.)
Day 20
Scrambled eggs! It was the only kind Ursula could ever make.
Clarice was nervous about the arrival of Elisa and Jo. Although Jo seemed friendly enough, and Elisa was someone she briefly worked with before.
Didn't agree to talk to Ibrahim for Shannon after the double dates - Shannon needed to talk to him herself. And if he lies, why waste your time with him?
Insisted that Jo be given some space; Defended Chelsea while disagreeing with her actions
Day 21
Had to take multiple breaks from the girls day out - Good lord the fighting was exhausting and nerve-wracking
Helped Hope untangle the mess
Laughed out loud when Jo called her a people pleaser - "I might just be adopted then!"
"A people pleaser! Good on you, love!"
Legitimately almost cried when Chelsea called her amazing??? And when Hope praised her for taking the high road??? She might actually be a good person????
Got the girls to all make up
Cooked 🌟creamy garlic pasta🌟 for the group with Elijah
Started thinking she might have a chance with Noah again
Day 22
Asked Elijah to choose her at the Recoupling - Gave no promises that they'd be the next epic love story
Pining for Noah...
Day 23
Agreed to help Rahim ask Jo to be his girlfriend - Mainly for Noah's sake, because they're best friends
Went shopping with Elijah - Got Jo's nachos, chocolate, and blanked Elijah's flirtations
First pillow fort!
Grinded on Noah's lap during the Heartrate Challenge, then went to Elijah
Went to bed early
Day 24
Excited and relieved to have Lucas back!
Hugged Hannah upon her arrival - Overall, she was proud of Hannah for coming back more willing to get what she wanted.
Named the spider Todd
Reassured Lottie about Hannah
Clarice reassured Elijah after her date, but went up to the terrace and kissed Lucas.
Later at the party, she went back and slept with him. - After he came back, she thought maybe she was finally over Noah. She can be with Lucas and finally be happy in a couple. And she definitely rushed it.
Day 25
She told Elijah everything, and she felt horrible that he was more into her than she was into him.
Confessed to the girls after
Obviously bombed the Happily Ever After challenge
Clarice was left to couple up with Lucas.
Day 26
She was noticeably distant from Lucas - She wrote it off as guilt for cheating with him, though she was still happy to be coupled up with him.
Lottie's snide comments about her cheating made her distance herself from Lottie too.
Became Bra Sisters with Chelsea! And made up a handshake!
Lost the Couple Trouble challenge, so she and Lucas didn't go on the date in the Hideaway
Talking to Gary about his body image and therapy inspired her to go to therapy herself once the show was over. She really related to him when he said this:
Helped Marisol pack - Marisol was still one of her closest friends in the Villa. And she honestly thought it should've been her and Lucas going home.
Day 27
Babies? P A N I C M O D E!!
Clarice does want kids in the future, but doesn't trust herself to not fuck them up.
Very irritated by Lucas's refusal to help with the baby. It stressed her out more than it really needed to, so their unsteady relationship took a hit.
The beach break was a relief. And by the end of it, she was really happy to have made actual friends on the show.
Sent Ibrahim and Jo home - Sure, they're a better couple, but Chelsea is her emotional support bra!
Day 28
Finally got to talk to her mother. She "praised" Clarice for not letting "peer pressure" stop her from getting the guy she really wanted. (It was really a reminder that she still doesn't have him, and she should still go for him. However, what Ursula called peer pressure is what most people consider respecting relationship boundaries.)
Felt awkward talking to Lucas's family
Said no to being his girlfriend at the Final Date - They hadn't been together long enough, and his text conversation with Ursula was fine, but cryptic.
Privately relieved that Noah hadn't asked Hope to be his girlfriend yet
Day 29
Dress shopping was... An experience. She's definitely not unfamiliar with formal wear, but she spent a long time deciding who she should dress for. She ultimately chose a dress she knew Lucas would like.
Hopeless at dancing. She never got any of the steps right.
She tried to be as lighthearted with the speech as possible - She has a hard time opening up, and really, there wasn't many deep feelings to express for him.
Jumped in the pool
Sent Hannah and Elijah home - It was a tough decision, and it came down to Lottie and Gary's relationship being stronger.
Went up to the terrace with Noah, but she decided she was done with him leading her on, struggling to make a decision. She ended it once and for all, as opposed to sleeping with him.
Day 30
Still reeling from the night before
Helped Chelsea make breakfast - She told Chelsea that she wasn't feeling confident in her couple and their chance of winning.
Clarice and Lucas made it all the way to the end, but Noah and Hope won Love Island.
Lucas acted happy to be with Clarice until they went back to the Villa for the After Party. Then, he dumped her. - Clarice was furious, but she felt as though she absolutely deserved it.
Noah decided it would be best if they stayed away from each other.
Clarice told Hannah about what Lucas did, and Hannah promised to give him hell. That solidified their friendship for after the show.
Clarice pulled Chelsea aside, Chelsea nicked a bottle of champagne for them, and confessed everything to her. Her thing with Noah, his lingering looks, the terrace, Lucas acting for the cameras, everything.
Clarice went home with her mother. And cried almost the entire way to the airport.
After the Villa
She faced backlash for her actions in the Villa, but the Islanders she befriended came to her defense.
She had a long talk with Hope after everyone had a chance to watch the season back. It was a miracle Hope and Noah won, considering how much of his time with Clarice had been included in episodes. Hope broke up with him shortly after, and she and Clarice started to repair what they could. They agreed that they absolutely would've been friends if Clarice had made different choices. But for now, they're just being civil.
Ursula apologized for all the biting remarks about people in the Villa, except Noah and Lucas.
Clarice managed to keep her from running a full on smear campaign against them.
Clarice started therapy, and even got anti-anxiety medication.
The producers of Love Island offered her a second chance.
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Bea & Ro
Surprisingly productive argument/turned actual conversation, about Drew, Ro’s self-loathing, sister issues and their parents/going to London soul-searching.
Bea: Back with him then? I thought you'd learned your lesson (finally) last time...Well? Ro joined the chat 3 hours ago Ro: Yes, it was rather unexpected, and sudden I suppose, hence I didn't get a chance to let you know individually Ro: Well, actually I have learned a lot. As has Drew. Bea: That's always good, rushing into commitments, being at his beck and call... Bea: And obviously he has, how else would he deceive you, again. Got to have new tricks. For goodness sake! Bea: What does he actually do with his time, Ro? What do you think? He isn't in Schooling, fine, but where's his REAL job? Bea: What are you getting out of this? Except heart-ache and being made to look a fool at the end of it, every month or so Bea: I thought you were in a good place? Ro: That isn't at all what I meant. There was a lot going on with my birthday celebrations and everything as you yourself know. Ro: Oh Bea that's just uncalled for! He's changed and with is finally being more truthful with me. Ro: I thought you, out of everyone, would understand standing on your own two feet and making a living for yourself your own way. He didn't enjoy school but he's using the skills he has to support himself Ro: What is so wrong with that? Ro: I am in a good place now. With him. He loves me. What more could there be to get 'out of it' Bea: Wait, he didn't try all this AFTER you read the letter, did he? Bea: It's always an emotional time for you, regardless if it was before or after anyway; it's wrong for him to exploit that for his own gain Bea: No, he hasn't! If he had, he'd leave you alone, or at least let you come back to him. He hasn't changed at all. Bea: So tell me what he does, if it's so admirable, tell me right now what you think he does, what has him out all the odd hours Bea: I, out of everyone, know where dealing in the things he does, can get you. You don't remember what it was like for Tess and Fearghal back then, you were too young, but they've told enough war stories for you to know better! I know you do, so why are you choosing to ignore what you know to be true for his sake? Bea: He isn't worth it. For God's sake, being associated with him could risk your career before its even began. Is that what you want? Think on! Bea: Oh, Ro. There is so much more than those words, even when they're not empty. Ro: Why must you take something so nice and twist it into something HORRIBLE! I hadn't even opened your gift when Drew and I reconciled. Mum and dad have nothing to do with this and he would never do anything to involve them after everything he has been through with his own family. Ro: You don't know anything about him. Or us. You barely know me. Ro: He does all kinds of things, odd jobs, fetching and carrying for people that sort of thing. I didn't need all the ins and outs because I trust him and honestly it hardly matters if you don't. Ro: I've also been told enough stories to understand that people deserve second chances, as have you. He isn't as lucky as I was. He remembers every struggle before Caleb's family took him in and he does what he has to do to make sure he and Meena will have a future whatever happens next. I can't blame him for that and you shouldn't. Self reliance is the opposite of a risk and I'm proud and lucky to know him, thank you very much. Ro: You clearly have no idea what he's worth so you'll excuse me if I don't bow to your 'wisdom' on the subject. Ro: Besides, it's my career. Not yours. You've made your own choices why can't you let me make mine? Ro: How can you say that Bea! You live by them. Fraze is everything to you and you've never listened to a word against him, have you? Bea: You're just seeing it as it actually was, and not through rose-tinted fairyland glasses. Bea: I know enough. More than you, as you continue to choose ignorance over swallowing the bitter pill and moving the fuck on. Bea: And there is no 'us' as in 'you and him'. There never will be because that is not what he wants from you. Bea: You are ridiculous. This is not 1950s America in a cheesy movie...He isn't a fucking boy scout doing bob-a-job. Listen to how stupid you sound, for what? He doesn't defend you, or do anything that inconveniences him, in fact, for you. Its one-sided and unfair and you deserve better, I know you think otherwise, and that you won't get better but its true, and possible. Bea: Boo fucking hoo. He doesn't get to use his sad backstory to be a criminal. All that will happen is that he'll end up in jail, leaving his wittle sister alone. And Meena will be just fine without him, because she's got a fucking brain in her head. God, I wish I could say the same for you. Bea: I don't care to know any more about him that is plainly evident for all to see. You're not going to get a doctorate for giving a shit about him. He isn't special. He's not intriguing. He's a waste of your time and energies. Bea: Don't even bother going to Cambridge if you're going to throw it all away on him. Save the country the debt, get yourself knocked up now and waste away waiting for him to love you back. Bea: Because we have common interests, goals, and you know, we make each other's lives better by being in them? And we've always both been willing to put our money where our mouth is, in terms of love and working together to get what we want and need. So please, don't ever try and compare this teenage infatuation of yours to my relationship with Fraze again, it is just laughable in the saddest way. Ro: Stop. You don't know half as much as you think you do and frankly what information you're working with isn't correct anymore if it ever has been. You're the one being ridiculous, not me. Ro: Not to mention judgmental! You don't get to tell him how to act or what his future may or may not be because you aren't a monopoly on tragedy. Ro: I wish you'd stop pretending to have any stake in my own future either. It isn't so and I'm not going to do as you say just because you say it. Not that it's any of your business but getting pregnant is the last thing I intend to do but if I did it has nothing to do with you and there is no reason I'd have to choose regardless. You didn't and Ali isn't. Ro: I've already told you he does love me and he does make my life better but since you clearly need to hear it, we also have plenty of things in common. Bea: No, I won't. Because someone needs to tell you, and it will go in. And one day, you will see sense. Bea: Yeah my judgment is the least of his worries, try the judgment of the fucking law because did you forget, its illegal? Bea: He's a moron, everyone in Dublin knows he's dealing, he'll be lucky if the police find him before rivals do and break his fucking kneecaps. Bea: I do, I'm your sister, you don't have to like it for it to be reality, you can't write me out of your fucking fairytale, Ro. And if you want anything to do with your niece or nephew, I'd reconsider the path you're going down because fat chance I'm letting them near that scum, or near you when you're behaving so irrationally. Bea: All you have in common is co-dependency on toxicity and fucking up your lives and your poor attempt at trauma-bonding. What fun! Ro: We're sisters when it suits you, Bea. I'd be surprised you have time for this conversation except I'm well versed in the fact that you live to berate me. I thought things were getting better between us but apparently I'm wrong about that above all. Since we've come to what is really, and consistently, the heart of the issue once again, I won't try and change your mind or apologise, once more, for not being good enough for you. I'd hate to sound even more like an irrational teenager when you read back this conversation to bask in your superiority. Ro: What's fun are these constant fights and reminders of what a failure you believe I am. Ro: If you don't want me around Nancy and Buster then fine, they are your children. I don't feel the need to tell you what to do or you're doing wrong. Bea: So you want me to leave you alone? But are also so sad about the fact I'm never there for you? Sounds like someone's confused! Unsurprising when you believe lies and won't see or hear anything real. Bea: And I haven't berated you, I've berated him; you are not one. Which is the real heart of the issue, you taking responsibility for and internalising all his bullshit. Bea: And I have bad news for you on that front, except you sound like what you are, a child. Bea: I've never been ashamed of you. Until now. Bea: You won't be in and out of their life when it suits you, just an Auntie when he leaves you, AGAIN. So, you've made your choice. I sincerely hope you can live with it. Goodbye, and good luck, Ro. Ro: I must take after you what with you contradicting yourself so heavily. If Drew and I aren't one, as you're so keen to stress then why are you so quick to try and tell me that I'm not separate from his choices or mistakes. Ro: Sadly you're too late as well because I'm not a child anymore. However my relationship continues or ends I'm living my own life. I didn't expect to have to do so without you but I fine. Ro: As for the kids, I wouldn't do that when I know how much it hurts. Ro: For the record though, this is the choice you made. It's been forced upon me but I guess I will have to live with it all the same. Bea: No, Ro. You chose to make the wrong decision. Bea: You love getting a chance to be the victim. Well, be his victim. But you're not mine, you did this to yourself, I gave you the choice. Ro: There shouldn't have even been a decision to be made but you need me to be wrong so badly don't you? In every way you can. Forgive me for being sick of it. Ro: No Bea, you love me to be a victim so you can heap your scorn on me. It's not the same thing. Just like a choice isn't the same as a ultimatum which is what you've thrown at me. Bea: No, I need you to fucking love yourself! Maybe you're sick of feeling wrong, feeling like you're never enough. That is coming from you and you alone, so don't you dare try to push your self-loathing onto me and say that's how I feel about you, because it isn't, never has been, and it never will be. I love you. Bea: I pity you, it hurts you like scorn because you've still got an ounce of pride left in you somewhere. I'm just asking you, begging you, to hold onto it and make use of it. Ro: Then just love me! Let me be happy without trying to ruin it and be cruel all the time. That hurts me and it does, and is, coming from you. I can't keep having the same fight with you. It's more exhausting than anything Drew's done. Pity me for saying so if you want. I can't control that either. Bea: If I have to be cruel to be kind, then that's the role I have to play. I hardly enjoy it, it hurts me too, Ro! But I'm not going to lie to you, to pretend something is okay when it isn't, just because that's what feels best to you at the time. Because its not going to feel good when you look back, for me or for you. I'm not prepared to wrap you in cotton wool. You're an adult now? Then I'm treating you like it, no coddling. Ro: But you don't have to! You don't have to like him but why can't you accept that I do? I love him. Why can't that just be okay? Nobody else is lying or pretending, I mean look at Tess, but she's not being like this. Like you. Ro: You're my sister but you don't have to be anything to him, I'm not asking for that. We aren't married, Bea. Bea: Because I AM your sister! They're all family, but they're not; there are boundaries. And Tess is a parental figure, parents let you make your own mistakes. But I am your sister and I happen to think you've made the same mistake enough times now. There's nothing more to learn from this, from him. Nothing of worth for you and your personal growth. Bea: But I know you're not going to stop, so, there we go. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try, it will help one day. Ro: But maybe it isn't a mistake this time. Or maybe I am just tired of always having to think in terms of what I can learn or take and want to just have what he can give me... Ro: why can't this be worth a try? Bea: Because you're worth more than just taking what you can get from someone who isn't giving enough, nevermind their all. Ro: You're just saying that because you don't like him. Bea: No, Ro, I am not. And you know that. Ro: I know I'm not you. Or Ali. And I know what people say about me. Why they bully me. I'm not stupid. Bea: You're socially awkward, that's all. People with competent enough social skills themselves can easily get past that. And you're clever, all that just combines to make people feel insecure so they project that onto you, make you feel the same. Bea: Its not as if I had any real friends at School either. There's a whole world out there, Ro. Filled with people who will like and love you, will get you. Bea: And you have Ali, and Meena, don't you? Ro: No you're clever, I just work hard. Try harder. Ro: You don't get it, he's not the one who's wrong, I am. Ro: He loves me, why can't I have that? Ro: And yes, of course, but it's not the same Bea: But what's not admirable about that? Being 'clever' innately (which in School just means having a decent store and recall memory to pass tests) isn't anything to shout about particularly, but putting in the work is. Bea: What's wrong with you? Different is not wrong. They're all the same, it makes it feel wrong to be different, but do you want to be like all the other girls in your School, really? Bea: You're better. Bea: Don't make me say it, Ro... Ro: In theory yes but in practice it's simply exhausting and frustrating and anything other than admirable. Or likable. Ro: I just don't want to be this. It isn't about comparison Ro: He makes me happy that's all. Bea: It feels like it when you're there, but School isn't a popularity contest. Its to get you to where the fuck you actually WANT to be, that's all. You don't want the only place you ever wanna be to be the School playground 'cos you've peaked, 'cos you're leaving in a year's time and there is no going back. Bea: You're going to have a life that is more than just nostalgia Bea: That's all this is, that's all I'm trying to prevent here, don't fall into the trap, okay? Ro: I know that. Ro: But this isn't just nostalgia though, I know that as well. Bea: Okay, but one day it will be, and I want you to be able to look back at this time with more than just regret Ro: And I want a chance to be in the moment, for once, instead of constantly looking back or worrying about the future Bea: Then go for it, like I said. But 'living in the moment' doesn't magically absolve you of making choices that will affect your present, your future, and how you look back on it as the past one day. You can not think too much about it when you're in it, sure. But you will have to live it and re-live it. That's just life, baby sister. I know it better than most. Ro: Okay, so what you have me do, leave him because of how he might behave and how he has in the past, in spite of his apologies for it? That isn't right. Bea: The past has a habit of not staying in the past...It creeps up on you, and on him, no doubt, old habits dying hard. If you can live with how he treated you, how everyone knows he treated you, the cheating and lying and just cruelty, he threw your way- then, well, I can't stop you. I wasn't trying to, I was only ever telling you how it is, how I see things. Bea: Is sorry enough? Because you know, it can't fix everything, don't you? Ro: I have to believe it can Bea: Then...I wish you luck. Ro: Is that all? You don't hate me again, do you? Bea: I never hated you, Ro, and I don't Ro: I hope so. I'd like to come and see you. I've been thinking about the woman that wrote you the letter a lot and was wondering if I should send her one back or something. Bea: You could- Or we could go visit her, she did offer Bea: I have been pondering what to do too Ro: Oh, that's an even better idea, if a scarier one.... Bea: Yeah Bea: We'll be okay. I'm certain she's legitimate, as in she was a true friend, not just someone who went to the same School and had a vague recollection and some old photos. I did a lot of digging before I reached out and she'd done Facebook posts on mum's Birthday, and the anniversary of the crash, year upon year, and she had more photos on their too. Bea: She could probably give us a real sense of who they were, and the area, she's still there...Its not somewhere in London I'd been previously and I haven't gone without you Ro: I don't doubt that or you, it's just...what if I'm not how she expects. Ro: The whole thing could be a huge disappointment Bea: It's not an audition. We're their daughters and that isn't up for debate, nor judgment. Who would she be to do that? Not that she sounds like that but you know, fuck anyone who would, they don't know us, what we've been through. Bea: It could be, yeah, but we've not got anything to lose, have we? Ro: You're right. Okay let's do it. When? Bea: Well, its a pretty good season to do it in, I think. Goodwill, being with new friends, reminiscing on old, reaching out to your fellow man and all that. We can get her something, to say thank you... Your last day is the 21st, right? So, if we do Sat 22nd, you can come back to Cambs with me for the Sunday and we'll all go back to Dublin together on the Monday, for Christmas Eve. Bea: Is that too soon for you? Its a few weeks but if you need longer, we can do it AFTER Christmas. I just think the festive season is as good an excuse as any, it'll make us all for more comfortable, I feel. Ro: No no I agree. That's a perfect time. Bea: I'll talk to Tess but I know she'll be fine. Bea: I'm really looking forward to this Ro: Anything to distract her from it being Caleb's family's turn to have Ali and the kids for Christmas, bless her. Ro: Me too. Thanks again, Bea. I know I've said it a hundred times already but Bea: Oh dear, I better catch up with her so she can rant, save your ears from it for the hundredth time, especially Ferghal's! Bea: Its okay, hopefully we'll get even more from this visit, fill in the blanks once and for all Ro: I really hope so, yes. Bea: I better get on, lots to do. We'll talk soon. x Ro: Okay. Kiss the twins for me 💕 Bea: Will do 💞
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