#Carmelita Bargains With God

[monkeyssalad-blog]

1934 illustration by Pruett Carter by totallymystified Via Flickr: For the story Carmelita Bargains With God by Katharine Nichols Owsley. From Good Housekeeping magazine.

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

Six Baudelaires AU, Part Three {AO3} {Masterlist} {Part One} {Part Two}

Chapter Nineteen → in which Count Olaf is a dick

Nick let out a piercing scream and collapsed on the ground, curling up and throwing his arms over his neck. Violet and Klaus raced to him, and Lilac hesitated a moment before running for Soli, Sunny and Fiona, blocking them with her arms. 

“What’s-” Fiona began. 

They all screamed as the Queequeg was pulled inside the octopus, and was roughly tossed from side to side of the submarine. Lilac and Fiona each grabbed a toddler to hold, and then they ran over to the others, so they were all in a tight embrace, clutching each other and trying not to fall. Nick eventually stopped screaming, only to just grip onto Klaus’s shoulder and sob into his sleeve. 

When the Queequeg finally came to a shuddering stop, the Baudelaires just huddled and shuddered for a bit. But when they heard a door of the submarine slam open, Lilac thrust Solitude into Violet’s hands and then leapt to her feet to stand in front of her siblings, trying to stop shaking. 

“Ha ha ha heepa-heepa ho!” came a villainous laugh from the hallway, and within a few moments, Count Olaf entered, dressed in a similar suit of slippery material, only with a portrait of Edgar Guest instead of Herman Melville. “Tee hee tort tort tort!” 

“No, no,” Violet looked up, giving him a glare. “Don’t do that.” 

“This isn’t fucking funny, you piece of shit.” Lilac snapped. “There’s nothing funny about villainy.” 

“Of course there is!” Olaf crowed. “Just think of it! I made my way down the mountain and found pieces of your toboggan scattered all over some very sharp rocks! I thought you had drowned in the Stricken Stream and were swimming with all those coughing fishes! I was brokenhearted!” 

“You weren’t brokenhearted.” Klaus said, holding very tightly onto Nick. “You’ve tried to kill us plenty of times.” 

“Why, that’s why I was brokenhearted!” Olad cried. “I personally planned to slaughter you Baudelaires myself, after I had your fortune of course, and pry the Sugar Bowl from your dead fingers! To cheer myself up, I met my associates, where they lent me some of their new recruits to get this submarine working again!” 

Fiona gripped onto Sunny, who was growling as if she intended to throw herself at Olaf and bite his limbs off. 

“Of course, I need to be back at the Hotel Denouement by Thursday,” Olaf said, “But in the meantime I had a few days to kill, so I thought I’d kill some of my old enemies! I was looking for Widdershins and his idiotic submarine, but now that I’ve captured the Queequeg, I find you Baudelaires aboard- and this little girl.” 

He stepped closer, putting a hand on Fiona’s chin. Lilac gasped and ran forwards, slapping his arm away. “You must be Fiona.” he said. “Why, you’re all grown up! The last time I saw you, I was trying to throw thumbtacks into your cradle.” 

Nick shot up his head, giving Olaf a glare that could have killed him. “Get away from her!” 

“I don’t think you get to tell me what to do.” Olaf waved his hand, and Nick flinched. Violet flung her arm in front of him, the other arm holding a whimpering Soli.  “Where’s Widdershins, anyway?” 

“My stepfather is not around at the moment.” Fiona muttered. 

“Ah, so he abandoned you.” Olaf nodded. “I suppose it was only a matter of time. Your whole family could never choose which side of the schism was theirs. Anyway, it’s time to lock you all in the brig- which is the official seafaring term for jail-” 

“We know what a brig is.” Klaus hissed. 

“-until you give us the location of the Sugar Bowl.” 

Solitude opened her mouth to say something, only to let out a string of coughs. 

“What’s wrong with that one?” Olaf asked, shooting a glare at Solitude’s suit. 

“Soli’s very ill.” Violet said, slowly moving her other arm from Nick to hug Soli closer, as she didn’t want Olaf thinking the young girl in her arms was a decent target. 

“She’s been infected with a deadly poison,” Fiona said, “And if we don’t get her the antidote in an hour, she’ll die.” 

“What do I care?” Olaf growled. “I only need one Baudelaire to get my hands on the fortune. Now come with me.” 

“We’re not going anywhere, you son of a bitch.” Lilac said, backing up to stand in front of Fiona and Sunny. 

Olaf sighed, and drew a sword from his side; the Baudelaires jumped, having not noticed it before. “You are going to come with me, or I will stab you and throw you out to sea to feed the Great Unknown.” 

Lilac and Violet glanced at each other, and then around, trying to spot an escape route. This, however, was a mistake; Olaf figured out very quickly what they were planning, and before they could do anything, he reached forwards and ripped Nick out of Klaus’s grasp. 

“No!” Lilac screamed, as Nick let out a screech, and Olaf shoved his sword under his neck. 

“Let him go, you bastard!” Violet shouted, and Solitude coughed quite a bit. 

“Nick! No!” Klaus leapt to his feet, as if he planned to tackle Olaf himself. 

Nick shut his eyes, and screamed, in a strangled voice, “You son of a bitch! Don’t touch me!” 

“My dear Nick,” Olaf pressed the sword more against the boy’s neck, and Nick bit his lip to hold back a cry, “What have I told you all? I can touch whatever I want.” 

“Let him go, please! We need to stay here to save Solitude!” Lilac begged. 

“Does it look like I give a shit?” Olaf said, before gesturing his head. “Follow me, or I finally get to stab this one.” 

“We’ll tell you where the Sugar Bowl is if you let us save Soli!” Violet said. 

“That’s not going to work, either.” Olaf rolled his eyes. “I’m not bargaining with an orphan, no matter how pretty she may be.” Lilac reached over to grab Violet’s arm. “My henchperson will simply torture the information out of you.” He smirked down at Nick, who was shaking uncontrollably. “Isn’t that right?”

Nick didn’t respond, barely keeping himself from sobbing. 

“Now, move along, orphans.” Olaf spat. “I’ll give you the grand tour on the way to your doom.” 

He pushed a terrified Nick in front of him, still holding the sword to his neck, and after several panicked looks, the children realized they had no choice but to follow. 

“Don’t worry, Soli, we’ll figure something out.” Lilac said, looking over at the child in Violet’s arms. 

“Nick���” Soli began to say, only to be interrupted by coughing. 

Klaus took Sunny from Fiona, holding her tight, and Lilac grabbed onto her arm as they followed Olaf out of the Queequeg’s hatch. 

There was a large amount of water on the ground as they splashed out, and Olaf pressed an eye on the wall to open a door, leading them down a hall. Nick had his eyes shut, and looked like he’d finally figured out he couldn’t fight, and his only method of escape now was to pretend he was somewhere else. 

“This submarine is one of the greatest things I’ve ever stolen.” he bragged. “It has everything I’ll need to defeat those pesky volunteers once and for all. It has a sonar system, an enormous flyswatter, a lifetime supply of matches, several cases of wine, a closet full of very stylish outfits for my girlfriend, and plenty of opportunities for children to do hard labor.” 

They turned the corner, and flinched as they saw the room. It was filled with benches, and all of those benches were filled with children; some of them were former snow scouts, but some of them they didn’t recognize at all. The children were holding onto large oars, rowing them back and forth to control the octopus’s tentacles. In the middle of the hall was another octopus, this one named Esme Squalor; she wore an outfit of slippery cloth resembling the sea beast, and was holding a long, damp noodle. 

“Row faster, you stupid brats! It’s already Monday, we have to get to the Hotel before Thursday!” Esme shouted. “I will hit you with this tagliatelle grande!” 

“Hello, darling!” Olaf called. “I’ve captured the Baude-brats!” 

“Wonderful! I thought we’d lost the chance to murder them!” Esme turned, scanning the group and strutting forwards, her tentacles swaying as she walked. She pointed at Fiona. “Is that one new? Or did one of the babies grow up fast?” 

“This is Widdershins’s little stepdaughter.” Olaf said. “The captain abandoned her!” 

“Abandoned her?” Esme repeated. “How In! How stylish! How marvelous! I’ll tell these recruits to row this submarine faster! We’ll get the Sugar Bowl before Thursday at this rate! Then everyone will know the name of our wonderful ship!” 

“Let me guess,” Violet spat, glaring over at Esme with fire in her eyes, “This submarine called the Olaf?” 

“No.” Olaf groaned. “Somebody made me change it.” 

“The Olaf is a cakesniffing name!” shouted a familiar voice, and the children turned to see Carmelita strut in, dressed in an outfit that was absurd and varying shades of pink- a wide, frilly tutu, an enormous crown, two cardboard wings, pink hearts drawn on her cheeks, and two pink tap shoes. Around her neck was a stethoscope, and in one hand she held a sparkly wand. 

“What in the actual fuck are you wearing?” Violet asked. 

Carmelita rolled her eyes. “You’re just jealous because I’m a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian!” 

“And she’s adorable!” Esme added. “Isn’t she adorable, Olaf?” 

“I suppose so.” Olaf said. “Next time, ask before taking disguises from my trunk.” 

“But Countie, I needed these!” Carmelita whined. “I need a special outfit for my special tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian dance recital!” 

Several of the children groaned at their oars. 

“Carmelita is the most talented dancer in the entire universe!” Esme growled, slapping her noodle. “You brats should be grateful that she is performing for you!” 

“I’d rather die.” murmured a girl. 

“Umore,” Sunny said, which roughly translated to, “God, that’s a mood.” 

Esme slapped her noodle again, and then turned back to the group. She moved forwards, kneeling down to look Nick in the eyes. He went very pale, trying to match her glare and stop shaking, opening his mouth to try and say something, but failing. 

“What did we tell you, you little beast?” she hissed. “You can’t get away from us.” 

“Don’t touch him!” Violet yelled, her voice rising in a pure fury. 

“Leave him alone!” Klaus said, staring at Olaf’s sword and trying to figure out how to fight him without injuring his brother. 

Lilac, though shaking, took the time to pull out her ribbon and tie back her hair. 

“Dear, I think we should split this one up from his pack.” Esme said, smiling. “He intended to hold me hostage, remember? I think he needs to re-learn how to behave.” 

“No!” Klaus screeched, starting forwards as Nick let out a whimper and Violet let out a noise that sounded like a scream.

Olaf turned to glare at Klaus, and then he put Nick in a tight headlock before swinging his sword towards the twin. “I was planning to split them up anyway. They’re too rowdy when they’re all together.” 

Lilac gave Fiona a look, and after a second, Fiona caught her drift and nodded. 

“Maybe we split them into two rooms, two and two.” Esme said. “I don’t want to walk to six different rooms to find out which one of them squealed first.” 

“I thought two and two made four.” Carmelita said, a bit perplexed. “There’s, like, ten of them.” 

“Well, that’s just what comes from going to school to learn math.” Esme said. 

“Two and two definitely make four.” Violet said. 

“Are we really having this conversation?” Klaus asked his sister, gesturing to Olaf and his sword, and Nick, who looked about ready to burst. 

Lilac grabbed Fiona’s hand, squeezing it as they crept a bit closer, while everyone was deep in their conversation. 

“No, no, there’s…” Esme counted on her fingers. “Four and a half of you brats, plus the Widdershins-” 

“There’s six of us.” Violet said. 

“No, no, the babies only count for half.” 

“First of all, that’s not right at all.” Klaus said. “Second, that’d make five-” 

“No, both of them come together to make half.” 

“So you consider them each a quarter of a person?” Violet asked. 

“I mean,” Carmelita said, “They’re, like, a quarter of your height.” 

“Height doesn’t indicate personhood.” Klaus said. 

“Of course it does.” Olaf said. “That’s why children aren’t people.” 

“Holy fuck,” said a girl at the oars, “What the hell is wrong with you all?” 

“Don’t group us in with them!” Violet said. 

Lilac and Fiona edged into position, before nodding again. 

“I’m getting tired of this.” Olaf said, waving his sword and gesturing at Nick. “You all get to see the first brig, it’s deluxe, as it comes with a noose. I think we should put this one in the second brig for-” 

Lilac leapt forwards as Olaf swung his weapon, grabbing the hilt of the sword and yanking it back, trying to break his grip. At that moment, Fiona flung herself at the arm holding Nick, trying to rip it away. Nick flew his eyes open, realizing what was happening, and struggled in Olaf’s grasp to try to help. 

“What the- you little shits!” Olaf shouted, as Lilac managed to grab and toss the sword. 

“Run!” Lilac screamed at her stunned siblings. “Go, we-” 

She let out a scream as Esme’s noodle whip hit her; it didn’t hurt much, but it was a strange, tingly feeling that she definitely didn’t like. She started to run, only for Esme to reach forwards and grab her, dragging her back. 

Fiona looked up, eyes going wide. “Lilac!” 

Carmelita raced forwards, delivering a kick to the mycologist’s knees. Fiona gasped and stumbled back, and Carmelita wasted no time in tripping her up. 

“Look, Countie!” she shouted as Fiona fell to the ground. “I caught a cakesniffer!” 

Fiona landed on her stomach, right beside a row of children, who looked to each other in a panic, as if wondering if they should help. 

“Let go of Lilac!” Klaus ran forwards to hit at Esme as Sunny growled, but stepped back as Esme swung her whip towards him. 

“None of you brats move!” she ordered. 

Olaf was stepping back, still dragging a struggling Nick with him, bending down to grab the sword before any of the children could get close enough to it. At that, one of the girls at the end of the row by Fiona ducked down to get close to her face, and pressed something into her hand. 

“Hide this.” she whispered, before turning back to her oars as if nothing had happened. 

Fiona opened her mouth to ask, but then Olaf managed to reach his weapon. “Esme, get the Widdershins.” he said, sounding furious. 

Sensing she had to hurry, Fiona shoved the item into her pocket, just as Esme tossed her whip to Carmelita and hauled her to her feet, keeping a very tight grip on her arm. 

“Let go of her!” Lilac shouted. 

“Let them go right now!” Violet cried. 

“For the love of God, shut up!” Olaf groaned. “Say one more word and I’ll pick one of you to stab before we can start the torture!” 

The Baudelaires and Fiona, knowing he was serious and realizing they didn’t have proper medical equipment to treat a stab wound, stopped talking, but did not stop glaring. 

“That’s so much better.” Olaf said. “Now, Esme, I have a better idea than you.” 

“No, you don’t.” Esme said. “My ideas are always better.” 

“I think,” Olaf said, pressing his sword against Nick’s throat, “We should put those two little rebels in with our little Nick.” 

Nick finally started to cry, tears streaming down his face as he almost collapsed, and Violet shouted, “You bastard! Leave them alone!” 

“Esme, help me take them to their prison,” Olaf said, “And we’ll throw the rest of them in the deluxe cell for Hooky to deal with.” 

“Ugh, fine. But I want to be in charge.” Esme said, raising her voice to be heard over Nick’s tears. 

“I’m the captain, darling.” 

“Don’t go near them!” Klaus said, even as Esme kicked towards him to get him to move. “Let us go!” 

“No! No, don’t- Nick! Nick, don’t panic!” Violet shouted. “Nick, I promise, it’ll be okay-” 

“Carmelita, sweetie, watch the recruits while we take care of these brats.” Esme said. “You can whip them if they don’t watch your dancing.” 

“Whoo!” Carmelita cheered, waving the noodle around. 

Violet and Klaus nervously followed Olaf and Esme, who were dragging their siblings and friend down several more twisty halls, desperately clutching their younger sisters and trying to think of a way to escape. Violet was near tears, both of panic and fury. If looks could kill, the glare of pure contempt she was giving Olaf would have burned him alive.

They finally stopped in front of a hall that had three or four doors, each with an eye where the doorknob should have been. Olaf swung open one door, and Esme tossed Lilac and Fiona in first; the two girls hit the floor hard, and Lilac flinched before scrambling to a sitting position, just in time to see Olaf toss Nick inside. 

“We’ll be back soon!” Olaf said in a falsely happy voice, right before he slammed the door shut. 

They heard a lock click, and Nick started to sob. 

[monkeyssalad-blog]

1934 illustration by Pruett Carter by totallymystified Via Flickr: For the story Carmelita Bargains With God by Katharine Nichols Owsley. From Good Housekeeping magazine.