#Can someone make my school building dissapear for a bit like not destroy it just send it to a shadow dimension for a bit so I can get extra | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sincerealyy · 5 years ago

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The Intensity of a Heartache: It has been over a year since I have experienced a heartache that made me feel like shards of glass pierced through my left ventricle. I say left ventricle because the left ventricle is a part of the heart that is known to pump oxygen rich blood through the aortic valve and then to the rest of the body. That is how this heartache felt like. It was like someone destroyed that, and as the blood is no longer being pumped throughout my body, I could feel my heart gradually weaken and then ultimately fall into a state of paralysis. I felt numb inside. And this all happened from a guy. A guy that I handed my heart on a silver platter to, only to have him dissect every secret and every truth until it was of no longer of use to him. I know I’m using a lot of biological metaphors but it is because I want to address the extent of this pain. I am only going through these measures to explain to you because it is the kind of pain that you could not imagine to feel unless it happened to you. Unless you went through it the same way as I did. It all started off when I was attending religious school and my friend introduced me to this guy who she decided to lie about a secret admirer that is after him. My friend requested I play the nonexistent admirer for the sake of their friendship to not fall apart, and so I did. I don’t remember why I did, but I know now, that if I had even a glimpse of what that decision would have led me to back then, I would have instantly refused without giving it a second thought. That being said, I accepted the role and I went along with the play. I was never looking for a friendship, let alone a relationship, but life as usual, took a turn. One year later, this person not only became someone that defined the love I felt, but he was my bestfriend. I couldn’t remember what my life was like before him, but I definitely knew that it was never as great as it was with him in it. Throughout my life, I never let anyone truly get to know, therefore, they never really truly saw me. And I was okay with that, because I knew the moment you let someone truly know you, is the moment you’ve risked your entire worth and happiness altogether. I had bestfriends growing up, but there was always a side of me that I concealed for the sake of protecting myself and my heart. Five blissful years later, things began to feel different. The effort that was always given was slowly starting to disappear. The love that was always visible in his eyes began to fade away. It was only then, I mustered up the courage to question whether or not his feelings still exist for me. I remember exactly how the conversation went, “Did you lose feelings for me?”, I said. “Lol it’s not that serious”, he said. “Did you?”, I asked. “Yes”, he said. In that moment, that “yes” was enough to create a deep wound to my soul. At that moment, tears welled up in my eyes, and I only pleaded inside that it was not true..that I was dreaming..please..let me be dreaming. For days after that, I cried myself to sleep every night. I would scroll through social media, waiting on an apology of some sort or just anything that could indicate that he did not mean it. That I still meant everything to him. That I’m still the love of his life and I’m still his forever. This all sounds very cliche, I am well aware, and I cringed a little bit writing this but that is how it played out. In July of summer 2019, I met him for the last time. We agreed that we would go our separate ways and be on good terms when we do so. As our date ended, and I was exiting his car to head to mine, he gripped my wrist and I turned around. Suddenly, for that moment, he had that sparkle in his eyes. He had this look in his eyes that told me that deep inside, he is still in love with me. I believed it and it gave me hope. I engraved that hope onto the chambers of my heart and preserved it for a long time. As we gazed into each other’s eyes, he asked me, “Can I have a last hug? I’m really going to miss you”. I immediately hugged him and we held onto each other for ten long seconds. It’s going to seem very lame as I say this next part, but since then, I haven’t hugged anyone. The reason being is because I am afraid once I do, this final moment he and I shared will be remembered and trigger my pain. So I just greet people the usual way, a handshake or a fist bump, or just a simple ‘hey’. It was January 2, 2020, when I recieve a notification from him. Instantly, without hesitating, I opened it, excited that he remembered me despite the amount of time that has passed. But this message was worse than the “yes” I had gotten a year ago. This message had me spiraling towards my inevitable downfall. This message revealed that he had begun dating again and he had moved on. I was heartbroken, because throughout the months of his absence, I held onto hope, but this message was enough to demolish the hope that was engraved in me. I kept thinking that I shattered my morals and my values for him. In my religion, you are not allowed to date a guy, let alone be intimate with him. But I let myself do that. I can’t even have the audacity to blame it on him, because I let myself open up to him, and I didn’t even try, at the very least, to protect myself. I relied on the concept of ‘he and I are meant to be together forever’, to justify every wall I let crumble down and every promise I broke. To have sex is not a big deal to people in the modern world today, but, considering the religion I am born into, it was the worst possible thing to commit, next to murder. For days, I couldn’t bear to look in the mirror because all I saw was filth. It sounds harsh to describe it that way, but I felt dirty. I felt that I had lost every part of my modesty and dignity, and I felt worthless. This worthlessness resonated with me for a very long time. Weeks later, I stopped attending lectures and visiting my friends and would constantly ignore my friends calls and messages. I would wake up everyday, and decide that I don’t want to be anywhere except in my bed. It was easy to get away with it because my parents both worked, so they had no idea that I stopped attending my classes. It was only then, my professor whom I’ve built a strong relationship with from the beginning of the year, sent me an email questioning my absence and expressing her concern. I ignored the email. But that didn’t stop her from continously emailing me repeatitively. I finally gave in, and told her that I will return to class next week. And I did. I don’t know how I got myself out of bed that day, but I guess I was tired of being alone..feeling alone. I attended the class of that professor and as I was about to walk out, she announced my name on the mic, requesting that I stay back. For that moment, I was scared. I knew that my grades were all going downhill and I was afraid that I had dissapointed her. But what did I care? I thought that since I felt like a dissapointment so I might as well be one. I approached her podium and I said, “Yes Professor Nick”, She responds, “I’ve noticed you stopped attending lectures, I’ve heard from my colleagues that it is not just my class, so that makes me feel a bit better” I laughed, but didn’t say anything. “Is everything okay?”, she asked. “Yes, don’t worry, everything is fine”, I said. “Sit down”, she immediately said. Shocked that her tone suddenly got intense, I immediately sat down opposite to her. “For a moment, pretend I am not your professor. For a moment, think of me as your friend. A friend with no judgements, only a friend that wants to help” “Nothing is wrong, I swear. I promise I will start getting myself back on track from this week”, I said, completely ignoring what she said. “I have no classes for the rest of the day, so know that I am not afraid to hold you in contempt”, she says as she smirks. I admired her sense of humor so I smirked back, but I remained silent. “As an English professor, I am going to try a different approach. If you write what you honestly feel right now, if you pour out everything that has been going in your life right now onto this piece of paper I am giving you, I will deduct your failed tests and assignments from your final grade.” I sat there, shocked. I was desperate. I knew that I was failing a few of my courses, including this one, and I knew that if I fell into probation, I would lose my status in Co-op. So I took the paper, and I wrote everything out. Every pain, every event, everything. By the time I finished writing, it was 9PM, and I got up from my seat and gave in the paper and exited class. No words were exchanged between the professor and I, except a friendly nod. My mom was waiting for me outside the building, so as I was walking towards the car, I felt my heart feel a little lighter. I think it was all the feelings that I had bottled up, which I poured out onto the paper, that made me feel like that, but all I knew in that moment, is I felt better than I had in six weeks. I have Professor Nick to thank her for that, because the next day, I visited her during office hours, thanking her for the opportunity. She only responded with a lecture that consisted of my potential and how much determination she sees in me, and how much admiration she has for my strength. She concluded saying, no one should have the power to depict your happiness. You are independent, intelligent and strong, and no one should have the power to strip you of that. She said that pain should never be let to define us, only meant to make us stronger and wiser. I believed every word she said, and I’ve reminded myself of her words everyday to this day. From that day on, I began to approach my other professors, begging them for opportunities to revive my mark back. Because every one of them knew me and recognized the dedication I had towards their classes, they provided me with some leniency. By the end of the semester, I achieved an overall grade GPA of 3.8 and I could not have been more proud. It made me realize the strength I have and the potential I possess in achieving my goals and overall success. I finally bought myself some closure and reassessed my future and what I intend to gain from it. Once I did that, I reassured myself that, at the end of the day, my life lies in the hands of God and I no longer doubted my self worth once I forgave myself and put my trust in the Most High. At this moment in my life, I can tell you that I am content. I have no guilt or burden weighing me down and life could not be better. At times, I collapse back into a state of depression, but I’ve learned to cope with it in healthier ways. I have only to thank my friends and my teachers and Professor Nick for igniting the hope that I thought I had lost.

autobiography I had to write for an assignment

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