#CONDOMS ARE NOT BALLOONS HEATHENS

[adorefolklore]

When he finally realised it was an inflated condom and not a balloon I can't-

[4dorks-1windmage-1shadow]

The wedding [of Vaati and Green] was going so well, until the rest of the friends [being Shadow and Blue] decided to make the reception a little more interesting.

It is a fantastic day for a wedding. The sun is shining, the sky is clear- there’s no wind to mess up any of the decorations (or Vaati’s hair for that matter). Flowers are everywhere- sprigs of lavender and ivy and white roses. Green is a nervous wreck, but that’s okay- he has Zelda and Vio and Red to talk to and soothe his worries and practice his vows with. Shadow and Blue team up to conquer Vaati’s hair with all manners of brushes and combs and hairspray and a metric ton of bobby pins. They are both glowing.They walk down the aisle together- which, traditionally, you’re not supposed to- but Vaati has never been much for tradition, and Green’s just happy to be doing it with him. Green’s dad doesn’t cry for the most part, but he has a proud look on his face. Ezlo stays stoic for all of two seconds after Vaati reaches the altar, and has to go sit down to collect himself. Red and Blue take Green’s side, Shadow and Vio take Vaati’s. 

Zelda officiates because, to everyone’s surprise, she’s actually ordained to do so.Actually, no one is surprised by this.And nobody suspects anything.Zelda gets to “speak now or forever hold your peace” when Shadow throws down a white handkerchief.“Actually, I object!” He shouts. Vaati and Green both look at him with wide eyes.“What?” Vaati deadpans. Shadow pulls a really shitty toy light saber out from the pocket of his suit. The wedding erupts into laughter. Green looks incredulous.“On account of Vaati’s honor I simply cannot allow this wedding to go any further-” Vaati bursts into laughter. “-until you have proven yourself in combat!”Green looks around. “What the fuck is happening-”Blue shoves a toy light saber into his hand. “Go kick his ass.” His grin is contagious. Zelda is crying from laughter. She and Vaati have resorted to leaning on each other for support.Green looks at Vaati and shrugs. “If I don’t make it out of this alive,” He says, eliciting more laughter from the guests (and from Vaati), “I just want you to know that I forgot to take the trash out this morning.”Vaati cackles, slaps him on the shoulder. “You heathen-!”Green extends the lightsaber. “Kiss for luck?”Zelda gasps, scandalized. “Not until after your vows!”

“Worth a try.” Green steps down from the altar.He utterly destroys Shadow, and spends a good two minutes giving him a noogie afterwards. Zelda calls the ceremony back to order and Blue and Shadow grin at each other.Everything goes smoothly from there. Green stutters, once, over his vows but to his relief he remembers them all. Vaati can’t stop smiling at him.“You may now kiss the groom.” Zelda says, and Vaati throws his arms around Green’s neck enthusiastically. The wedding guests cheer. Blue shouts into the crowd: “What’s the final score from the judges?!”Vaati and Green break apart. Blue holds up a sign. It reads 8.5/10.

Shadow does the same; his reads 6.865/10. Scattered throughout the guests (mostly held by mutual friends of Vaati’s and Shadow’s) are more signs with various scores on them. Midna has some sort of really long math equation on her’s. Vaati shouts at her:“Did you just rethink Einstein’s theory of relativity? Really?” 

Green elbows Blue in the side at the same time. “Dude, only 8.5/10? I’m a better kisser than that!”Everyone cries of laughter again. When they cut the cake, instead of smashing cake in each others faces, Vaati and Green chase down Blue and Shadow. To Blue’s dismay, Green beans him all the way down the back. Vaati climbs over a table to get to a screaming Shadow. They spend the rest of the dinner arguing good naturally about the dry cleaning bill. Vaati surprises Green at the last minute with cake to the face. The ensuing shitshow is all caught on Red’s Pictobox. Finally, when the sun has gone down and guests are filtering home- some a bit more drunk than others, Vaati and Green walk hand in hand down to Vaati’s car. Blue and Shadow watch eagerly from the top of the hill. Red is nodding off from his perch on Blue’s back. Vio looks suspiciously at Shadow.“Why are we watching them walk to their car?” He asks. Shadow grins.“Just watch.” He whispers, nudging Vio. Vio warily turns his gaze back to Vaati and Green--and laughs, startled, as Green opens the driver’s side door for Vaati and a flock of balloons fly out of the door. Blue and Shadow and Vio lean on each other, cackling, as Vaati and Green shout and laugh indignantly as they’re assaulted by a torrent of balloons. Red mumbles sleepily into Blue’s neck.“You’re assholes!!!” Green shouts good-naturedly. “You love us!” Shadow shouts, and Blue adds. “Don’t forget to wear a condom tonight!”“Fuck you!” Vaati shouts. Blue and Shadow high-five.———————————————————————————————————–

I have six tabs open about weddings and how to prank them. I also, consequently of writing this, got inquiries about why I was laughing so hard. Fucking god bless this prompt. I’m gonna be grinning for the rest of the day.

[augment-techs]

DEH: Aesthetics

Evan: Those weird recordings of nature on Animal Planet that people listen to on music players. New Redwood blooms after the old trunk was cut or burned away. Watching a squirrel climb a telephone wire and being ready to catch it if it falls. Buying eco-friendly condoms that contribute to disaster relief. That horribly strong cinnamon gum that ruins the flavor of anything else for hours. Connor: Vending machine gummie bears. Falling asleep in the backseat of the car after driving for ten hours, because, fuck it. Peanut Butter Crunch cereal with an ungodly amount of milk put in first. Scoffing in a superior way when catching someone buying porno at the gas station because they have Anais Nin at the library for free. Being aware that 4-in-5 bills in circulation have cocaine on them and wondering if the ones received in change after buying milk at the super market are clean. Jared: Falling asleep like a normal human and waking up like an extra from a horror movie. Using those paper towel looking dryer sheets that are good for the planet but look so damn tacky. Being fully and completely convinced that whoever invented AXE body spray was secretly a minion of Satan, so it’s Old Spice or vanilla body butter. Mixing green tea and Dr. Pepper in the same cup from the same soft-drink dispenser like a heathen. Being unable to resist the temptation to visit Bath and Body Works or somewhere similar without stepping into the shower displays and pretend to sing in an effort to frwak out the employees. Zoey: Knowing every line from ‘Anastasia’ by heart and always reminding people that ‘It’s NOT a Disney movie!’ Rock candy that comes in coconut flavor. Just going out after dark and wandering through the subway stations because nobody is around and it feels like being a ghost. Blowing up a balloon as big as it will go and then rubbing it on a friend (or sibling) just to see the static result. Playing Alanis Morisette, Regina Spektor, and Tori Amos on shuffle/repeat every morning before school because they’re classy. Alana: Actually enjoying going to the automatic carwash, because it feels like being under water in the right circumstances. Eating so much Mexican and Chinese take-out, always with the same order, that the delivery guy remembers to bring extra sauce without being told. Silver bracelets and earrings all the time, but only gold for going out to party with friends. Forgetting to buy new shoes until the backs dig into the skin and cause bleeding, ‘But, noooooo, they’re still good!’ Collecting mashups of classical composers and either pop or grunge modern; and telling nobody.