#CLAUDE WAS SAYING ''LET'S GO LESBIANS''

[nightmareonpeachstreet]

not only Claude but Kagerochi Duo Unit too....this banner is targeting me

[cangrellesteponme]

btw all my gay shit this month:

[burr-ell]

the latest chapter of emperor and the goddess was fucking W I L D - edel got not just a wife, but a whole ass DAUGHTER and then she still... cheats on byleth with ingrid. also yippee yahoo the narration refers to ingrid as a woman STILL. the entire fic really just reminds me that popularity /=/ good writing

Here's the thing. If the issue with this fic was just that the prose is mediocre or the characterizations are bad—and they are—nobody would talk about it the way that they do. There's a similar fic that's been brought up as a sort of counterpoint to EatG that I have not made too much public comment on, and it's not because I don't have opinions on it; it's because I'm not terribly interested in it and those opinions are mixed-to-negative, but it's almost entirely due to writing style and characterization. (There ARE a couple of iffy cultural elements in there worth critiquing; I chalk them up to inexperience and naivete, but it's not invalid to point them out if you're going to.)

There are a couple of things that set EatG apart. It's not just that it's an incredibly popular fic whose author is perfectly happy to let people claim it's either the true canon or better, and it doesn't help that he's basically been Christopher Columbus-ing fanfiction by acting like he's writing some brilliant meta piece that's totally not the same as those icky girly fanfics. It's that the fic is choked with absolutely rancid implications and themes about biracial people, nonwhite people in general, women, gay men, mentally ill people, trans people, religion, imperialism, and genocide. When people whose heads aren't shoved up Edelgard's ass comment on this, every criticism is dismissed by either pretending the person said something they very clearly didn't say or pulling "I'm not misogynistic, I have a lesbian beta reader!".

Like, there are mediocre-to-bad fanfics in every fandom, right? There's certainly plenty of them in the 3H fandom, for any ship (I've turbosmashed the back button on plenty of Claude/leth fics). Edel/eth is one of the most popular ships in the fandom; you go through those archives, you're gonna find some clunkers. That in itself is not the problem. The problem is the hype around it, fed into by the author, and the truly obscene bullshit that gets repeatedly handwaved (as we know, a story about queer women is at its most above reproach when written by a cis man) and whatabout'ed (a biracial character hating herself for her "nonhuman" side and being told she's right is totally fine because sometimes people who dislike Edelgard aren't very nice).

Any time a fanfic author acts like this, run.

[angelasscribbles]

One Night in Cordonia Chapter 1: Anton Severus

Series: One Night in Cordonia, a @choicesprompts Round Robin Event.

Fandom: TRR so far, but others could be added in

Pairings: Remains to be seen

Word Count: 1,027

Rating: MA

Warnings: language, plots of violence

NEXT WRITER: @aussiegurl1234

The night was still on the hilltop overlooking the rolling vineyards of the Beaumont estate in the heart of Ramsford near the eastern border of the small Mediterranean county of Cordonia.

Anton Severus stood in the warm night air directing troop movements. The soldiers under his command were a mix of those loyal to Sons of the Earth and those that sold their guns, and their loyalty, to the highest bidder. Mercenaries. Not the most savory thing, but a necessary evil. The ends would justify the means. And he had those ends in sight.

“You have the gas?” He asked his second in command.

Claudius Pinkernickle, his right-hand man, nodded, “Yes, sir.”

“Good, good. Deploy it through the air vents. Everyone who’s anyone in Cordonian society is in there tonight. It’s imperative we take out not only the members of the royal family but any Rys loyalists as well.”

It was the night of the annual Beaumont Bash and Anton was ready to take his place as the rightful ruler of Cordonia….by any means necessary.

“What does the gas do, exactly?” Claudius inquired.

“Well, it’s never been tested before,” Anton explained, “Which is why we got such a good deal on it! But it’s a nerve agent, it should shut down the central nervous system…or did he say the limbic system? At any rate, people should die, or at least become incapacitated and then we can swoop in and do clean up.”

“All our troops have been supplied with gas masks,” Claudius told him, “So we’ll deploy the gas, wait about twenty to thirty minutes then breach.”

“Sounds good. Tonight will go down in the history books, Claude and you were here to see it, to participate in it! Something to tell your children and grandchildren about!” Anton puffed his chest out, pride coloring his words.

“Yeah, sure, boss,” Claudius hoped his reply was convincing. He was never planning to have children, but more importantly, he had his own personal agenda for being here tonight that had nothing to do with politics. He could give a rat’s ass less who was king. He had a personal matter to attend to that was long overdue and he intended to rectify that tonight.

“Just remember,” Anton reminded him, “The only member of the nobility that makes it out alive is Duchess Olivia Nevrakis. She must not be harmed in any way! She’s the key to this whole thing. Everything hinges on her. Bring her directly to me.”

Anton wondered if Olivia remembered him. It had been many years since their last encounter. It would certainly make things easier if she cooperated.

“I’ll lead the advanced team myself,” Claudius assured him, “We’ll go in ten minutes after deployment and bring the duchess out.” Hopefully by subterfuge, but he wasn’t above physical coercion.

Anton checked his watch. “T-minus fifteen minutes to deployment.”

Claudius checked in with his team via earpiece, “All troops are in position.”

“Excellent!” Anton rubbed his hands together, exactly like a villain in a melodrama, “Almost there. Nothing can stop me now!”

Meanwhile, down the hill and inside the sprawling Beaumont estate, the party was in full swing.

“I’m just saying,” mumbled a drunk Penelope, “how do we know we’re not lesbians if we don’t try?”

“You make a valid point,” her companion replied, “let me take that bottle of champagne, I think you’ve had enough.”

The crown prince of Cordonia stood near the chocolate fountain nervously adjusting his tie. The object of his affection was within his sight yet he was still hesitant to make his move. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous, other than a crippling fear of rejection. Which seemed preposterous given his position in the social order. But then, he had gone and fallen for someone who didn’t care about any of that.

A horse trotted through the grand ballroom and peacocks ran freely up and down the grand staircase.

Bertrand Beaumont smiled broadly at the sight. It was going to be a night to remember. All of Cordonia would be talking about for months to come, he was sure of it. The reputation of House Beaumont was safe, despite the disastrous news story Ana De Luca had published last month. He shook his head sourly at the memory. None of it had been true.

He blamed Maxwell.

Upstairs, Olivia laughed as she lifted a crystal champagne flute to her lips.

“Liv!” A familiar voice interrupted her conversation, “What are you doing up here? And with him?”

She opened her mouth to respond then closed it as several soft thumps sounded above their heads. As if several people had just landed on the roof. Which was utterly absurd. Wasn’t it?

She turned back to her companion, “Please tell me security hasn’t been skimped on for this event.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you mean what do I mean? Did you not hear that noise? And what….what’s that smell?”

They all three looked up as a low hissing sound drew their attention to the air vents, tendrils of smoke curling out of them and spreading through the room.

“What the hell?”

The hissing sound grew louder, along with a metallic groaning before all the air vents in the estate blew outward and the smoke rolled heavily through the rooms and hallways.

People ran screaming and gasping for air, looking for exits but the smoke obscured their visibility and the inebriated state of many of the guests served to further turn them around and send them wandering in the wrong direction.

Olivia was halfway down the grand staircase, breathing into her skirt to filter the air when the smoke parted and three men with gas masks approached her.

“It’s her!”

“We need you to come with us.”

“We’re here to help.”

Olivia’s eyes grew big as she saw a gloved hand reaching out toward her at the same time she heard footsteps pounding down the stairs behind her.

Her head swiveled back and forth taking in the scene in front of her and the one behind her.

A slow smile spread across her face as a course of action presented itself to her.

[aspiring-artist-em]

get to know better tag

thank you @achilleslikespeas!! you're so so amazing omg- anyhoo

three ships: wolfstar, ineffable husbands (someone pls talk to me about good omens I literally can NOT rn), drarry

first ship: drarry, it’s a tried and true ship for me, ive been shipping it since I was like, a child  (literally flashback to me at like, 7 years old telling my mom that harry and Draco should get over each other and buy a castle and live together forever as a happy couple (parents were not happy that their daughter was saying this (they were homophobic( (im now gay and still shipping it so suck it, ig)))

last song: I would love to lie and say its something cool like “killer queen” or “lady stardust” bc I listen to those a lot, but once again, I would be lying and my actual last song that I listened to was “no hands (ft. Roscoe dash and wale)”, yk, the frat party song, I like to play it while writing angst

last movie: Harry Potter? idk what one, I like to put the tv on while I do stuff like budget money and write fanfic and draw, so honestly idk, it was probably the chamber of secrets, that and poa are my all time favs 

currently reading: ur mom LMAO (im so sorry) no, what im reading is smut, and also like, a good omens fic about Crowley’s fall (witness the fall) bc im trying to forget about season 2′s ending. im also reading away childish things (again) bc like, that's one of my fav drarry fics of all time. if we’re talking about marauders fics, it was probably her body is a temple down in the frozen food aisle  by achilleslikespeas, both for my emotional masochistic enjoyment and bc I wanted to draw a scene in the story (go read it now pls, its really good, Claude is really good a writing and im freaking out bc I wanna draw a scene from every single one of their fics I- like go-to horror dead dove fics for me I reccomend Claude and for smut I go to moonie), if we’re talking books books, Ive been reading yellowface and I am a cat which so far, are really really good, but also like, im really bad at reading so like, I haven't actually touched them in a week LMAO

currently watching: good omens, its playing on my tv in the background both because I love it and also because Neil said if u stream it enough amazon will see how valuable it is (with the strike and everything) and like, actually be willing to negotiate, essentially, help out the strike, go watch gay celestial beings 

last thing i wrote: 'Til Death Do Us Part, and Even Then, I'll Do My Best to Stay With You, its a dead dove fic centering around grief and denial, uh, 2 chapters in lol

currently writing: I have like, a million wips and no motivation to write rn so lets dive into them lol

1) chapter 3 of do death do us part, very sad, like, maybe 3 sentences in?

2) the next part of my lesbian wolf star series, its the one right before the trail one, so like, part 10 is gonna be another chapter centering more around Sirius’s memories and part 11 is gonna be the trial, I have like, 2 separate things ive written for it and I need to decide where I want it to go tbh

3) smut, gay wolf star, frat hazing blow or blow smut. sirius is on his knees and almost throws up but he doesn't and its lowkey like actually non con but its also frat hazing, like, idk how to explain the vibes but sirius is referred to as a dog and a filthy animal and degraded and he's sucking remus’s dick on coke and im like 2k words in and like, running out of ways to describe a cock lol (its also hard to bc like, I don't have a dick and my textbooks are no help sometimes) but he is also called the “pike puppy” and like, I think im smart for that and also its really filthy ngl, not a happy ending?

4) a short fluff fic to make up for the angst I put my readers through, im like 200 words in

5) au kinda thing, inspired by don't worry darling and like a TikTok that I saw (and now people are commenting on me commenting if I can write the idea and asking for the fic name and like, Im 500 words in? pls I need time), the idea is that Dumbledore has everyone under imperio or a potion to get them on his side to fight for him, lily’s pov, I really like it so far, uhh im like 500 words in I think?

so yeah, when I get inspiration im gonna write everything all at once lol, probably when my body isn't trying to kill me lmao or im at work

tagging: @spookymoonie @pinklume @wxlfstxrisbest @spindrifters @siriuslystargazing @siriusly-sapphic @green-lights-33

[rainbowroadonsteroids]

[okay piss off Tumblr if you're not going to let me be sad about Grelle I'm just going to post about a character I made to give her love (please don't fry me for this Kuroshitumblr I literally have not been in the fandom since 2017 and the character is stylized)]

Yes her style isn't consistent I know but I've only drawn her a few times and I need to draw her in color yada yada.

To start, her name is Trudy Burke (also known as Tootie cuz it's a silly lil name), and she's a singer who's also implied to have been in the circus before. (Namely due to a bit of bizarre accuracy with throwing knives.) She likes to boldly proclaim herself as a vampire but nobody truly knows if that's accurate or not, and nobody really chooses to question it.

Despite her more vivacious appearance she is rather blunt, and at times considered impolite as a result of her bluntness. She also had no issues voicing distaste for certain people, especially in regards to Claude. Fucker could be in ear shot and she'd mention how a zombie could be a better caretaker for Alois than Claude is.

For a bit more personal info, she's a trans woman and a lesbian who originally was from the US. However, she decided it was best for her to go to England as a means of being able to live comfortably, and a bit more peacefully. Though, she only found that peace later on, instead having to deal with certain things that, to say the least, made her sympathetic towards Alois and his emotions.

Like Grell she too has a color-coordinated lifestyle, however her colors revolve more around blue, even to the point her hair is a dark blue type of color. She's also never seen without some sort of pearl jewelry, whether it be a necklace, earrings, ring, or even an eyeglass chain.

To finish off, she has a bit of a romantic interest in Grelle, stemming from Tootie's admiration of her quirkiness (and just thinking she's straight up cute), though she does get a bit sad in knowing Grell may feel more for Sebastian, but regardless, she wants what's best for her. (Though they do get seemingly quite friendly later on.)

[worldenough-and-time]

AO3 Masterpost:

WIP:

Tough, Tried, True Blue (currently drafting at 131k): Marauders Era, sapphic Wolfstar with transfem!Sirius starting Year 1 at Hogwarts through 7th year. Dual POV. Lady Marauders! Meditations on Girlhood! The slowest burn, but worth it for the sapphic pining.

got what i wanted (but it’s never enough for me, darling) (drafting at 10k): lesbian wolfstar vampire AU

Completed Fics:

Marauders

Not Enough to Save You (8.5k): Remus Lupin is Joan of Arc. Lesbian Wolfstar. (Currently hidden)

Immaculate Conception (Girls Kissing Remix) (4k): This is a sapphic riff on Claude's brilliant the immaculate conception. Go read that before you read this, come back if you want a story set in the same AU except his time they're girls and they're kissing.

Don’t Look Back In Anger (4.5k): This is my post-ATYD closure fic. Remus and Sirius visit Mary in the Spring of 1996.

All for the Game by Nora Sakavic

Not To Blame For Falling (26k): A three part series of post canon AFTG fics focused on Andrew and Neil’s relationship and healing and healing within their relationship. Basically my attempt to address lingering beef with Nora Sakavic about certain aspects of canon that were frustrating to me, especially when it comes to her portrayal of mental illness.

You Just Woke Me Up (~7k): Part 1 of this series. By far my most popular work on AO3. Andrew POV exploring his “holy shit I caught feelings” post canon spiral.

Stupid and Alive (~7k): Part 2 of this series. Also Andrew POV. This fic is mostly exploring Andrews suicidal ideation, but there’s also a Friendsgiving chapter. Idk dudes, check the tags.

stranger than your sympathy (12k): the third in my series of post canon healing AFTG fics. Neil gets a fever, goes to therapy, and starts dealing with his mommy issues.

The Atlas Six by Olivie Blake

The College Years (~50k): Co-written with Mel, my sister and long suffering beta reader. It’s the college prequel. Nico/Gideon, but also kind of all the other ships too because it’s TA6.

I Heard You Were Looking Like the Moon (1.5k): A chapter from The College Years that also works as a one shot. Gideon has a good dream.

Not Yet Drafting:

The Raven Cycle Untitled Pando Fic: So this fic is just a twinkle in my eye right now, but it was supposed to be the long fic I wrote this year before Sapphic Wolfstar took over my brain. But I do have extensive notes for it. Also Mel is going to co-write it with me but she doesn’t know that yet. What’s a girl to do when Maggie Steifvater offhandedly mentions on Twitter that she planned, but will never write, a TRC spinoff involving an 80,000 year old forest? Pando is a clonal colony of Aspen trees in Utah, and while it looks like thousands of individual trees, it’s actually a single organism connected by extensive underground root systems. But really this fic is about Blue taking Gansey to meet her dad’s side of the family and… let’s just say it doesn’t go well. Additionally Adam reconnects with his mother and starts a new job. Ronan adopts a teenage dreamer who is his karmic retribution for his own teen angst rebellion. Henry’s parents split up. I will write this, eventually. Probably. Maybe.

[beezonia]

Heh another fe3h au idea I had it’s a teen beach movie au!

It’s edelclaude because they really do fit the roles of brady and Mack very well

Sylvain is honestly dripping in Tanner vibes he’s so chill and would definitely love to surf me thinks

Dorothea as Layla is like girl power and lesbianism packed into one person and I love it also she has a beautiful voice ofc im gonna put her as layla

So yeah the bikers/surfers have had a rivalry for years and when Edelgard and Claude get pushed into it it becomes absolutely batshit crazy

The surfers are these chill but stern group who love to wear bright colours and are really down to earth and have fun with life, they throw parties on the beach all the time with beachball games and sun loungers with surfboards in the sand

The bikers are the same but they take a more let’s say vintage approach to things, they will intimidate the fuck out of anyone like you see them in their jackets oh yeah you better run they throw parties by the rocky areas of the beach or closer to the pavement so they can ride their bikes and have races

But when night comes the two gangs usually gather in big mommas. The restaurant by the middle of the beach where it’s sort of neutral territory but they each want controlled of it

Most nights they each take a half of the place and just hang out and dance and the bikers go to watch Dorothea sing each Friday which is pretty much the only day both groups can call a truce!

Anyway that’s pretty much all I got so far lmk if you wanna see more!

[toomanysongsabout-you]

idk book rec i guess

SO I've recently realized that I actually LOVE romance books iF they are sapphic. who would've guessed? not me !

anyway, yesterday I read Breaking Character by Lee Winter and let me tell you - I am obsessed. Hence the post.

The book starts with Summer's first day as the newest cast member in Choosing Hope a medical drama that's been going on longer than it should've (grey's anatomy vibes). And in her very first scene she fucks up, splashing fake blood all over the Brit Bitch: Elizabeth. Even while angry, both actresses manage to improvise and save the scene, meaning that Elizabeth has to spend more time drenched in fake blood, increasing her annoyance.

At the end of the day, Summer visits Elizabeth in her trailer with a peace offering: a special blend of tea that happens to be Elizabeth's favorite. Not only does this tea work, but it also makes Elizabeth start noticing Summer even more, but at a distance, given that she doesn't hang out with co-stars as a rule.

Weeks go by and Summer continues supplying Elizabeth with this glorious tea. Until one night after a long-ass shoot, both women leave set at the same time. Summer, a renown Klutz, missteps and almost falls face-first on the ground, except that Elizabeth catches her and they hold each other momentarily. They each go their own ways, only to find out that the equivalent of TMZ captured that moment and rumors of their relationship begin. Which would be just rumors that can be ignored, if both women weren't closeted lesbians and they each tried to deny everything, increasing the rumors. So, Elizabeth follows the advice of her team and tells Summer that she will no longer talk to her outside of their scenes together, that all their contact must end in order to end the rumors. I should point out that neither of them know that the other is, in fact, a lesbian, because drama and miscommunication and lack of trust. This breaks Summer's heart because Elizabeth had been her idol, the reason she got into acting, and yeah she has a big-ol' crush on the woman. I certainly can't blame her.

Given that Elizabeth has been trying to leave the drama show for something of more substance, she has been in contact with Jean-Claude, an indie french director making his debut in Hollywood, hoping to become the leading actress in his next movie. Jean-Claude calls Elizabeth's manager and invites her and her girlfriend Summer for brunch. Apparently, he saw the pictures and wants to get to know Elizabeth as her true-lesbian-self. Which, obviously, the manager tried to deny and say it wasn't a real relationship, but Jean-Claude is firm in his ability to read people and he wants the real Elizabeth with her very-much real girlfriend, Summer.

SO Elizabeth has to apologize to Summer and ask her to go to this brunch as her (fake) girlfriend and help her get a role she wants. Summer agrees because, well, because she's dumb and in love. Anyways, Elizabeth learns that Summer actually knows Jean-Claude and his boyfriend, Marcus, because Summer's mother is a costume designer in Hollywood who has worked with the french director before. And not only that, Summer's mother actually confirmed their relationship to him ("oh you denied it so much it had to be true, no one insists that much").

So, the surprise arrives when Jean-Claude knows Summer better than Elizabeth but they somehow convince him that they are in fact together, and their relationship was just starting. AND THE BIGGER SURPRISE is that Jean-Claude not only offers the main role to Elizabeth, but he also offers the role of the lover to one shocked Summer.

"I only work with couples, they make everything more believable"

SOOOOO Elizabeth invites Summer to her game nights with her british-cambridge graduate friends, and Summer invites Elizabeth to her parent's summer party in order to get to know each other better, as filming starts in two weeks and they have to pretend in front of Jean-Claude. All because they both want their careers to soar. And not, well, and not because Summer has been carrying the torch for Elizabeth for so long she can't even fathom being away from the brit. Even if she has to have a very very steamy scene with her and pretend she isn't attracted to Elizabeth at all.

Aside from that drama, Elizabeth's friends are also a thing that's holding her back from feeling anything for Summer, as well as the fact that she doesn't get involved with co-stars.

Both characters are extremely interesting, and a fake relationship is always fun to read. If I could change one thing about it it would be that there should be more couple time.

and well, this has been a really long post, but I had to write it all down.

[ahqgg]

Good evening. As we know the bonfire is long past and everyone is just dying to know everything that went on, so let’s get on with it, shall we? I’m in the mood to be viciously blunt and you’re going to be in the mood to hear what I have to say.

So let’s go.

It looks like our dearest Rapunzel is finally moving on. That’s good, since Kit Charming was absent for most of the party to celebrate his engagement to Marie Bonfamille. He couldn’t have picked a more damaged woman, congrats! It’s nice to see what happens when people listen for once, hmm? But back to blondie. She was seen getting extra close and extra intimate with none other than Charlie Cheshire. Cat certainly has her tongue in this situation; I wonder what else he had that night? Our favorite kitty was busy pouncing on whoever he could, so it doesn’t shock me to see him finally have his way with her. 

Our “former local slut” is apparently still just as slutty. That’s right, our favorite mention Blaise Lumiere is at it again. It comes to no one’s surprise that he was seen drinking and grinding against every person he came into contact with. A few stolen kisses and a few quickies in the bathrooms, which by the way are not large at all, says all we need to say for us. Sluttiness comes in pairs though. While he was bumping and grinding, so was his best friend Claude. I guess we can officially say the stick is finally out of his ass. 

Our favorite fear monger Harold is finally out of hiding. He managed to scare his little ward Paislee away and piss of everyone around him in the same night. For him, I’m sure that was a success. I’m eager to see who he is going to take prisoner next. Meg is fun and all, but she has been rather boring these days, don’t you think? She is stuffing her mouth with baguettes a plenty but remember Meg...bread makes you fat. And we would hate to see you fall for the exact same set-up that got you where you are now. Then again....maybe we wouldn’t. 

What a few of you all missed was Hans and Alex getting into a fight over their precious manic pixie dream girl. If I was Anna I would be putting my man in a much needed time-out until he remembered who he was engaged to. Then again, if I was the one engaged to Hans he wouldn’t be so loudly disloyal to my face. I’m sure she is going to go to her local sad boy Jim for some affection and cuddles, but Anna, he isn’t who he seems either. He’s got a web woven of beautiful girls who are far more interesting and far more scandalous. I guess what I’m saying is...start keeping your future hubby’s interest, because there is no Plan B. Pun intended. 

In our happy little lesbian world, Samantha Manson and Wendy Corduroy were seen getting fairly hot and heavy. Has anyone told Sam yet about their track record? I’m giving it a month before they move on to the next hot brooding person on their never-ending list of conquests. Lil and Riley were surprisingly absent in the affection category. Trouble in paradise? I’m sure there are a few lucky ladies out there that would hope so! I’m not even sure which one of them is sought after the most, but I know both of them have a fair share of women at the ready to make them feel special.

Peyton Pascal seems to be in love. It didn’t take long, it didn’t take a lot, but here we have it. He seems to be taking a few notes from Rapunzel’s book here. I wonder if Bentley is ready for a spring wedding yet? Counter wise, we have a new bachelor in paradise! His name is Shaggy Rogers, there is so much left to be desired, and yet he has people falling over him like he is the hottest thing since sliced bread! He’s hot, I’ll give you all that....but again, there is just so much left to be desired. I’m sure if he takes a page from his little gang’s book he will be fumbling his title in no time! Or he could always seek out Victor Van Dort. He seems to have women at his feet and he doesn’t do a damn thing to earn it. Will Victor ever make a choice? Or will he become as vicious as our Blaisie and become the new slut in town?

As you can see, so much scandal, so little time. I’m sure there’s more, but the people of Animania are starting to bore me a little. 

Until next time

xoxo

gossip girl

[butwhatifidothis]

I think this post I found on an unrelated topic explains why debunking and criticizing the Cap's fic is important. His works, meta or fanfic aren't canon, it's just his interpretation of the game.

Different anon: >claude accused of sexual assault

>dedue beheaded

(Different anon) okay lmao fuck capn. As you said this goes beyond a bad fic. This is just fucking offensive but its praised because "uwu eddy" like holy shit. This isn't "op doesn't like my comfort character burn him" like no its actually upsetting me because of all the bigotry disguised as being woke. No offense to edelgard or her fans. I actually quite like edelgard. But some edelstans need to chill. The lengths they will go to portray their war mongering wife as a saint is disgusting.

Different anon: You know what, I'm gonna dunk on this fic even harder. Okay but in all honesty if this was just some dumb fic I would read it and make fun of it on my own or with a few friends, I wouldn't try to shit on the author or their work publicly or something like that. But when the fic and author in question have played a major role in the fandom, particularly in shaping the discourse and meta surrounding some characters, and promotes several questionable beliefs in the process, that's another story.

*Accused Claude of either being a variety of horrible shit or otherwise willingly working with said horrible shit, to be clear (literally every TWS person we canonically see is guilty of all of what I listed sans sexual assault, so accusing Claude of being one of them very heavily implies that he's also guilty of the same crimes)

Exactly! Like, if this was just some Joe Schmoe bargain bin shit I'd just adjust my tags to blacklist it like I do every other time I come across garbage and go about my day. Going over every single fanfic that makes Edelgard into a hero and demonizes the other characters is stupid and useless - villains are always gonna have their fans who try to erase all of their flaws and make them into uwu darlings. This is such a staple in fanfiction as to have a well-known term for it that it directly related to a character that's has this exact thing happen to them an incalculable amount of times (Draco in Leather Pants), so I literally wouldn't care if this was just that.

But it goes well beyond just making Edelgard into just a poor wittle babby cinnamon roll; as I've already listed, there's misogyny, misandry, racism, ableism, etc. etc. oozing out of the pores, but this is the fic people are saying they are basing their actual view of the actual game off of.

Consistently giving minority race characters worse treatment than that of their majority race peers? Fine! Constantly infantilizing women and taking away any agency they have? Good! Repeatedly painting men as this negative force that taint everything they touch if they don't bow down to the propped up lesbian? Dandy! Portraying the "wrong" mental health issues as making people crazed beasts and/or manipulative villains while portraying the "right" mental health issues as making people weak, helpless, broken victims? So ~brave~ of the author to give such a ~real~ representation of how mental health ~actually~ affects people, not like the stupid game that would dare let people with stigmatized MI be good people with actual agency :)

The 3H fandom looks upon this fic and this author promoting such blatantly rancid shit and said to themselves, "Yes, this is what I should look to for my critical analysis of the game. Not the game itself, but this." This fic and author are, in large part, the reason so many worrying takes have taken off. Like, when someone as big and looked to as Cap'n portrays Dimitri and Rhea are nearly solely mindless animals, it's no shock that the "Dimitri and Rhea needed to be put down" take is what comes of it. Fandom takes this fic as canon + This fic portrays Dimitri and Rhea as animals = Fandom treats Dimitri and Rhea as animals, because hey, "canon" does! So why shouldn't they!

And when people who haven't read this fic and have just the game's knowledge with them - you know, the actual canon with them, not one person's incorrect perception of the game - and they disagree with all the inaccurate (and horrible) shit that the fic posits as true, they get told they're stupid, that they don't know what they're talking about, and that they are the ones who don't understand the game because they aren't taking someone else's headcanon as canonical fact. Dimitri fans get told that they only like him cuz they're horny women who wanna fix the bad boy and that they're fetishizing mental illness. Rhea fans get told that they're supporting eugenics and slavery and feudalism and oppression. Edelgard fans who like her as a villain, like she is are told that actually they hate her and also maybe hate women and/or lesbians (since they don't like Edelgard, which of course they don't, because they call her a villain).

TEatG, I’m sure, is far from the only big-name fanfiction of a fandom to have immensely troubling aspects to it and still be propped as the “pinnacle of analysis;” this isn’t something unheard of, and it also isn’t something that in the past also hasn’t similarly been ripped to shreds by people who looked at it and went “Wow, this is actually terrible.” I’m not about to feel bad for criticizing a fic that has had such lasting and wide-spread negative impact on the game and fandom, just like I wouldn’t feel bad about criticizing someone’s meta post (since this is basically what this fic is). 

[lyteupthelyfe]

Silver Snow Contraclass: The Final Battle, 6/6

After breaking her barrier, I watched in fear of every hoarfrost, that it would hit and take out a unit.

Anna fell to one, the turn after she made that crucial move—while Flayn and Yuri fell to counterattacks.

It was just Cyril, Linhardt, Caspar, Petra and Ferdinand left.

Linhardt helped absolutely rip through health bars 2 and 3 thanks to crits with the Wo Dao+, dodging Rhea’s attacks with his high speed. In fact, everyone left—bar Ferdie—had such high speed that they dodged all of rhea’s attacks, as well as every hoarfrost. Turn. After turn. After turn.

To keep Ferdinand out of Rhea’s immediate reach, safe from counterattacks, I moved him over to the eastern fire orb, and had him use it to attack rhea instead.

This worked out better than expected.

Not only did the fire orb deal 5-7 damage to Rhea, but I had forgotten about how a certain skill works.

This certain skill activates every time a unit initiates combat. It also hence works when using ballistae, onangers, and yes, fire orbs.

It’s the mastery of Dark Mage, Poison Strike. The skill deals flat damage proportional to the target’s hp after combat. For Rhea, poison strike dealt 12 HP.

Cyril fell, and later Linhardt, either at the end of the 3rd Health Bar or near the start of the 4th, and Caspar went over to Ferdie to dance him, who was now dealing essentially ~34-40 HP of damage to Rhea each turn. With every health bar down, I was realising more and more that I. Could. Win. This

Ferdinand takes damage to a hoarfrost after avoiding many of them, and makes one final lob at Rhea before the retreating the next enemy phase, obv to another hoarfrost.

o7 poison strike. you made this battle winnable.

Oh? Why, you ask?

All this while, Petra had had a single Dragon Claws in her inventory. Dragon Claws are the only non-regalia weapon in the game that deal effective damage to dragons. With them, she was dealing 8 HP a blow, or 16 each action, since gauntlets are all brave weapons.

And Caspar, the only other surviving unit this far, was my dancer. Have a look:

So that’s it! The run was complete! I was in awe! With how many units fell, how scuffed the barrier-breaking was, and just…hoarfrost, I was completely expecting to lose.

But no. I didn’t. I’m actually a) quite impressed and b) quite proud of myself for pulling this off, on maddening mode, no less.

As for endings, I got;

Catherine and Shamir (let’s go lesbians, let’s go!)

Anna’s solo (obv, no supports ;-;)

Yuri’s solo (which was surprising! I was totally expecting to get his ending with either Dorothea or Bernadetta)

Flayn and Seteth (the ~best~ ending)

Cyril and Petra (in which Petra is literally THE girlboss and we love her for it)

Linhardt and Dorothea (in which they become, like, THE no-nonsense, let’s-get-shit-done power couple)

Ferdinand and Bernadetta (honestly one of Bernadetta’s better endings imo)

and, of course, Byleth and Caspar, along the course of which I discovered my now-favourite S-Support ever. It is so wholesome I love it.

Like just look at this!!!!

—————

Anyway, the SS contrclass is done now, I’m glad i was able to share at least the back end with you all!

Oh, uh, hi Byleth—did you want to say something about the silver snow run?

Oh, um, haha, did you just empty Dimitri’s inventory?

Haha no wait Claude what are you doing

Oh. Wait.

Oh no.

Uh-oh.

[robespapier]

5,6, 9, 13

Since Thermidor is upon us, I'm chosing Robespierre (and to go with your Saint-Just ;)).

5. What is the most ridiculous statement on them you have ever read?

Haha, with Robespierre it's "take your pick!", there's....everything and its opposite and what's popular at a time says more about our society than it does about Maximilien.

So I could give you the latest flavour of queer-coding, namely Claude Guillon's "Robespierre was an evil lesbian" in his Robespierre, les Femmes et la Révolution (2021), it's worth a (sad) laugh but I don't think Guillon is going to be read or taken seriously by many (at least I hope not). So instead I'll give you what to me is a very bad combo of ridiculous and pernicious: old, tired, innacurate, lazy clichés dressed as funny satire.

Here for example, this Kate Beaton comic:

I feel like it's hard to criticize it without looking like a killjoy who can't take a joke. But is it really a joke if it's relying on ideas many hold as the truth? Sure, they'll think it's exagerated for comedy effect...but based on some truth nonetheless. It's very powerful in spreading and cementing innacurate, bad takes.

Idk where the unfeeling, heartless Robespierre trope comes from? The artificial, made-up absolute opposition between him and Danton? From Robespierre depiction as aromantic and/or asexual?

And if so, it's completely disregarding platonic love? Familial love? Friendship? He was living with the Duplays at the time of the events depicted in this comic (Camille's arrest) and Elisabeth Duplay's writtings paints him as a kind, attentive brother figure. His friends spoke positively of him, in his sister's memoirs he's selfless and generous...

He wasn't in politics for personal gain. He cared about other people. He cared so much. Don't let it be say he didn't know love or empathy.

6. In your opinion, what is their biggest flaw?

He talked to much, pretty sure that why they killed him.

More seriously, I'm gonna go with something that isn't a "flaw" per se, but that I think put him the most at a disavantage...and I would even say played a role in Thermidor happening the way it did.

I was thinking back on that funny anecdote about Robespierre playing with the host dog at a party instead of talking to the guests, and the witness delivering the anecdote seeing it as a proof of arrogance. Today we easily see it as nothing more than social-awkwardness, because we have accounts of Robespierre himself talking about his shyness in public (can't find the quote at the moment), and his friends' accounts describing him as bright and jovial...and who isn't more relaxed among friends?

But I think his aloofness in public was easily seen as arrogance, and in the end, when Fouché conspired against him, it made him an easy target. It made it easier for Fouché to convince other deputies that Robespierre was an ennemy, to make them paranoid...because they didn't feel like they knew him or could trust him? And it made it more difficult for Robespierre to defend himself, to dismiss Fouché's words?

I'm speculating and not very articulate about it...but I think it's something to be weighted.

9. What is your favourite depiction of them (e.g. in painting, sculpture etc.)?

The Deseine terracotta bust, I think it's a lot of people's favorite, and for good reasons, it's wonderful! He's so lively...he looks forever stopped mid-speech, a bit surprised.

My own pics from my trip to Vizille are bad (the glass case around the bust makes it difficult to take good shots), so here's some links: here for a post discussing its merits and accuracy, here for pics from every angles, and here for an animation with the MyHeritage app.

13. If you had the chance to meet them, what is the first thing you would ask them?

*pushing the door of a bakery open* "So, what kind of tarts do you like most?"

Because he's the very definition of talkative, I'm very talkative too, and long chats are better with drinks and food :D.

Also, where's the post about Robespierre's tart poem (with English translation)? I wanted to link it, but can't find it :(.

[365days365movies]

February 18, 2021: The Danish Girl (Review)

Before I go into ANYTHING else...let’s talk about the actual Danish Girl, Lili Elbe, or Lili Ilse Elvenes.

Oh, uh, full warning, this is gonna be LONG, so skip to the bottom if you’re just here for the Review! OK, history time!

Now, what the film The Danish Girl notes about the beginning of the transition is pretty spot-on, from what I can tell. After marrying portrait painter Gerda Gottlieb in 1904, the two lived in Italy and France before moving to Paris in 1912. Yeah, that’s over 14 years before they’re shown doing so in the movie. Inaccuracy #1. In 1908 (here comes number 2), Elbe (Einar at the time) painted this portrait of trees along a fjord in Denmark.

Yeah, NOT in 1926, as the film says. But, yeah, that’s a nitpick, I recognize that. Anyway, the revelation came when model Anna Larssen (not “Ulla”, which is Inaccuracy #3) was late, and Gerda asked Elbe to fill in. When Larssen eventually showed up, she suggested the name “Lili”. Basically, this scene from the movie was pretty goddamn accurate.

Except for the dates, anyway. Because while the movie mostly takes place around 1926 and afterwards, this probably happened closer to 1920, in Paris. So, yeah, Lili spent a LOT more time as Lili in real life. Additionally, Lili was pretty goddamn public about the whole thing, inviting guests and hosting parties as herself, rather than as Einar. At the same time, Gerda was getting pretty goddamn famous for her paintings of Lili, like this one.

Which, yeah, are really good! Also, they were considered lesbian erotica by many! YEAH! And here’s a fun fact: Gerda may not have been straight-up straight. Yeah, the film and the book (we’ll get there) kind of ignored the fact that their marriage was annulled by the Danish government, not by the two of them. Inaccuracy #4. Now, obviously, their relationship ended, and Lili ended up getting together with a man (we’ll get there, too), but there are a LOT of unanswered questions about Gerda’s sexuality, and views of sexuality (which is barely hinted at in the “male gaze” speech in the beginning).

After the annulment, the two just...drifted apart. Their relationship dissolved, and the details on that are fuzzy. By 1930, Lili was headed on a completely different path. She wasn’t a painter like Einar (and it turns out that she thought of them as two entirely separate people, like two souls living in the same body, which the movie got mostly right), and she was mostly unsatisfied with her career, life, and other things. And that is where Drs. Erwin Gohrbandt and Magnus Hirschfeld come in, NOT Kurt Warnerkros...yet. He’d come in for the other five (YES FIVE) surgeries, but wouldn’t be involved with the first. Inaccuracy #5, and also #6, while we’re at it! See, the film would make you think that Lili was the first complete gender reassignment surgery, but she was actually the second. The first would be Dora Richter, in a procedure that was performed by Dr. Hirschfeld from 1922 - 1931. YEAH. BIG-ASS INACCURACY THERE. Here’s Dora, by the way:

Anyway, Lili had her first procedure, to remove the testicles, performed in 1930. In the same year, the divorce between Lili and Gerda was finalized, and Lili legally changed her name. Two more procedures were performed, the first to implant an ovary, and the second to remove the penis and scrotum. Inaccuracy #7, by the way. And, hey, let’s go for number 8! Let’s talk about Henrik, a dude who didn’t exist. He and Hans were both very loosely based on an art dealer named Claude Lejeune.

Claude was an art dealer (there’s the Hans part), and was indeed in love with Lili. They got together around early 1931, and he’d actually been in love with her for a good, long time. He proposed to marry Lili, and she accepted, also hoping that the two would be able to have children together. But to do that, it was believed that Lili would need a uterus. And, obviously, having children would be MILES more complicated than that in basically EVERY way, but this was early in medical science’s understanding of some of that biology.

In any case, however, Lili would need both a uterus and a vagina to feel whole. And so, the fourth surgery was scheduled. And she had that surgery in 1931, a couple of weeks after Dora Richter successfully had the same surgery performed. But, sadly, Lili wouldn’t be so lucky.

Lili’s body rejected the uterus, and while transplant rejections of any kind wouldn’t necessarily be fatal now, they definitely were back then. They attempted to remove it, but that subsequent 5th surgery caused infection, which caused a fatal heart attack three months later. Lili Elbe died on September 13, 1931, at the age of FORTY-EIGHT. Yeah, Inaccuracy #9.

By the way, you may be wondering: what about Dora Richter, the first successful person to get these surgeries? Well, she disappeared...in Germany...as the Nazis were coming into power...yeah. Fuckin’ YIKES.

And so, that’s the true story of Lili Elbe. And there are far more differences than that, I’m sure, but those 9 inaccuracies aren’t insignificant, that’s for sure. Although, it probably doesn’t help that the movie was based on a fictionalized book.

Oh, uh...did I not mention that? Yeah, this movie is based on The Danish Girl, by David Ebershoff, which means that this film is essentially a cinematic game of telephone. Which, uh...not great. Granted, Ebershoof made some other...interesting changes, which the film didn’t inherit. In the book, for example, Gerda is named Greta, and is American? Um...why? I dunno, it’s kind of weird. Oh, and that’s not including one more issue with the movie. But, you’ve waited long enough, huh? Recap of the film is here and here if you wanna check that out! Let’s get to the Review already!

Review

Cast and Acting: 8/10

I am...conflicted. So let me start here by saying that the acting in the film in and of itself is fantastic, all-around. Not a weak actor in here, that’s for sure. Let’s start with the side-roles, for once. Ben Whishaw, Matthias Schoenaerts, and Amber Heard are all good. Heard’s accent is a little shaky, but they’re still all solid performances. OK, how about Alicia Vikander? She’s great! And she won the Oscar for...Best Supporting Actress. Um...wait...Supporting? But not Best Actress? Uh...OK. That’s a little weird, let’s be honest here. But, Alicia Vikander did deserve that win over...oooooooh, Rooney Mara in Carol? Maybe not...damn.

And OK...let’s get into the elephant in the room, huh?

Eddie Redmayne is fantastic as Einar Wegener/Lili Eber, and I genuinely think he had a great shot to win Best Actor...but, yeah, Leonardo DiCaprio definitely deserved it, I think that goes without saying. Hell, that year had a SOLID line-up for best actor. And Redmayne had even won it the year before for The THeory of Everything, another biography where he played Stephen Hawking. But ALL of that said...HNNNNNNNNNG, there should have been a transgender actor cast in this role, ideally. Now, I’m fully aware how difficult that would be, as Hollywood isn’t extraordinarily diverse in terms of including trans actors in massive mainstream projects. It’s better now, but it’s nowhere near ideal. But if anybody knows an actor who would’ve fit this role and performed it well, I’m DEFINITELY interested. So, despite that controversy, Redmayne was pretty goddamn great in this role. But, uh...that doesn’t mean everything is perfect...

Plot and Writing: 5/10

OK, that seems low, I know. But it’s pretty goddamn damning that this movie was based off of a heavily fictionalized book instead of the actual life story of Lili Eber and Gerda Gottlieb. And because of that, there are not only some missed opportunities, but some straight-up damning inaccuracies. That’s a set of pretty poor decisions, I tell you what. Not sure why Lucinda Coxon came to that decision when adapting this screenplay, but it wasn’t exactly nominated for Best Screenplay. And the writing certainly isn’t bad, but it is...overly saccharine sometimes, especially for a film based (loosely) on a true story. I dunno...just not the best set of choices here, sorry to say.

Directing and Cinematography: 8/10

Tom Hooper shouldn’t direct musicals. However, since this wasn’t a musical, directing and cinematography here is pretty damn good! Real talk, this is a gorgeous looking movie, and the way shots are framed are fantastic. Perfect? Weeeeeeeell...given the fact that painting is a main focus of the film, for both Gerda and Einar, there should’ve been more painter-quality shots in here, I think. And while the cinematography by Danny Cohen is pretty fantastic, I can’t say that it’s perfect. Still, in terms of lighting and general skill, it’s still quite a good looking movie.

Production and Art Design: 10/10

But the deficiencies in the direction are EASILY compensated for by the production design! Like, hot DAMN, this is a good looking movie, like I said! That goes from the construction of the sets, to the gorgeous outfits all over the place, especially Lili’s outfits. Some iconic pieces of wardrobe there, that’s for sure! But if I have ONE complaint...this movie never once felt like the 1920s. Yup, good old anachronistic complaints from me again! Yeah, I’ll change the record one of these days, I promise. But even with that, it’s hard to ignore just how good this movie looks, to be honest. It’s just...gorgeous.

Music and Editing: 8/10

As I type this, I’m listening to a track of the film on YouTube, and it is a beautifully delicate tune. I’m not sure that I’d be able to associate it with the film if presented to me on its own, but it’s definitely a nice track to listen to by itself. Playlist worthy? For somebody, almost certainly, but not for me. One of these days, a film like that’s gonna pop up, I swear. But for now, Alexandre Desplat and his score are gonna stay off my iPhone. This really is a nice score, though, I promise. Editing by Melanie Ann Oliver is pretty good as well, and I’ve no complaints about it, to be honest. Overall, this side of things was quite nice, if not the most notable thing I’ve ever seen or heard.

I might have been a little harsh, but it’s still got an 78%.

This is a good movie, but...I dunno, the inaccuracies do bug me. Hell, there are WAY more than what I’d mentioned, and I mentioned a lot. Not to mention the other glaring issue: no trans people at any stage of the production? Really? No script consultants, no writers, no NTOHING? That’s...egregiously bad. Like, holy shit, guys. And, yes, this includes Redmayne, because even though he performed admirably in the role...I dunno. I’m no expert on ANY of this, as a cissexual dude with cissexual experience, but it feels a little...reductive, is all. Like I said, if any other actors have been suggested for this role, I’d love to know. The whole thing feels...I don’t know, just not great. 

And by the way, that’s without even TOUCHING the question as to whether or not this film is authentic to the trans experience. Again, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA, but I’ve also heard that this film isn’t universally acclaimed in the trans community, so to speak. And I’m definitely interested in the reasons for that. All I know is this: from the perspective of a complete outsider, I was intrigued by this films view of the transgender experience, specifically as seen in the earliest days of those realizations happening and being publicly known and reported on. And that’s all I can really comment on, in truth.

WHOOF. That was a goddamn topic, huh? And now, I’m going to continue on the the month of romance with...wait, the 19th is my 5-year anniversary with my GF, pictured here:

Ravishing. Anyway, I think I’ll let her pick from my choices for this next one. Hold on a sec...OK, then. Sing it with me now! AND DO I DREEEEEAM AGAAAAIN, FOR NOW I FIIIIIIIIIIIIIND...

February 19, 2021: The Phantom of the Opera (2004)

[omgkalyppso]

you don't have to post this if you don't want because this is gonna be kinda negative but!!!

i see SO OFTEN people calling hilda ships toxic when her partner is a man. it's like people only accept hilmari or some wildass wlw ship that makes 0 sense like edelhilda (like seriously?? she can't even be recruited in cf???). meanwhile you never see f!byleth / hilda which actually makes sense.

but hilda/claude??? TOXIC caspar/hilda?? TOXIC 🙄 and you never even see hilorenz like you said but it's so nice i love it. (maybe it's a good thing it's not popular because people would probably call it toxic too)

sorry for the rant i saw your post and poor hilda deserves better 😤 let her be bi in peace!!!

TvT yeah...

This ask is a minefield, but I'm trying to come up with a socially acceptable rant.

[I'D PUT READ MORE HERE BUT TUMBLR WON'T LET ME] I've seen people talk about "straightwashing"* if you ship Hilda with women and had people tell me With Pride that they interpret her friendship to Claude as shallow. I know Hilda says some clumsy things in her supports with Cyril but people who try to bear down on her as a racist character are generally people who ship [redacted] and I'm like - hello!?!? shADDGHAJS

I Do Not Mind lgbtqa+ people saying Hilda is a lesbian or having any other queer headcanons. There's so few lesbians in media. That does not align with my bi headcanons but then that's on us to decide whether or not we support each other.

Unrelated to Hilda, I wish people other than bisexuals more often headcanoned characters as bisexual even if they weren't flirtatious (like Sylvain). Now I'm going to sound a little off the rails but I strongly think that your observation about hilclaude and hilspar relates to people not wanting to headcanon these men as bisexual. People like dimiclaude, m!claudeleth, claurenz, and people like casphardt - and they'll headcanon these men as gay to the exclusion of even Linhardt's canon bisexuality.** And they say the rudest shit about bi men (like Sylvain), about them being abusive or promiscuous or actually wanting to be in a relationship with a man.

.

Anyway, Hilda! I love her and I love her shipping her with Claude and Lorenz. Please send Hilda x Femme Byleth content my way, I'm starving. asdjfadkjs

.

*This is NOTHING. If you think it is, go away and unfollow me. Shoo! In fact, please look up whitewashing and take a minute to sit on why this term should be used exclusively for erasing characters and people of color (especially black people).

**Again. I actually want to support lgbtqa+ creators and their lgbt headcanons of characters. But this is my little soapbox, and I'm just bitching, that it would be nice to feel supported. I love bisexuals and I love being bisexual and I want to see people creating content of bisexuals being supported and not always treating attraction to a gender other than that of their current partner as a sin or a sign of promiscuity or something to grow out of.

[adamwatchesmovies]

Double Impact (1991)

When I think of ’80s super-macho action stars, one name comes to mind: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Next up is Sylvester Stallone. Not as many iconic movies, but a better actor overall. Then there’s Wesley Snipes, who has his share of gooders and can manage both dramatic and comedic roles. In fourth place, we have Steven Seagal and FINALLY, the star of this beast of a bad movie: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn’t grow up with any of the man's films and after seeing Double Impact I don’t understand what anyone could have seen in him. It’s a contrived action movie that only surprises you by topping its bad performances with even worse ones.

This premise is so nutty you’ve got to hear it to believe it. In Hong Kong, a mother and father are brutally murdered by crime lord Raymond Zhang (Philip Chan). Their bodyguard, Frank Avery (Geoffrey Lewis), manages to save one of their twins. Raising him in France, then the United States. 25 years later, Frank finds the second son and informs Chad (Jean-Claude Van Damme) that he has a brother. Raised by French Catholic Nuns in an orphanage (meaning he has a French accent, just like his brother) Alex (also Jean-Claude Van Damme) has grown up on the rough side of the road. Together, Fank, Chad, Alex, and Alex’s girlfriend Danielle (Alonna Shaw) are going to get revenge for the twins’ parents!

Let me break that plot down for you one more time. Jean-Claude Van Damme has a thick French accent and knows martial arts. He plays long-lost twins with thick French accents despite growing up in China and the U.S. Coincidentally, they both know karate. With their parent’s bodyguard and a white woman the Chinese brother just happens to be dating and who also happens to work for one of the chief suspects in their parents’ murder, they’re going to single-handedly get their revenge.

I don’t necessarily expect great performances from action films, but I do expect the players to be somewhat convincing. At the very least, show some charisma. Aside from some talent punching and kicking, Jean-Claude Van Damme displays zero talent here. He’s constantly flat, he’s boring, even annoying at times. You can feel his fingers all over this project (he’s credited for part of the story). It gets to be downright embarrassing as you watch this nepotism immortalized on-screen forever. It’s not enough that he plays the hero with the hot girlfriend, but we also have to see an extended, “artfully shot” sex fantasy with Alonna Shaw too? Come on. I wish I could say the bad performances were limited to the "Muscles from Brussels", but no. EVERYONE is terrible.

Nothing in this story manages to generate any excitement. Anyone who has seen any action movie before has seen this story. There are random comedic bits about identical twins being mistaken for each other in the middle of a tale of revenge. The police are never involved and you can just blow stuff up without any consequences. It even botches something as simple as a chase when our heroes go on the run and hop inside a boat instead of a car! Not a speed boat either. Have you ever heard of a chase done at walking speed? It's as thrilling as it sounds.

There are a few points that will jog you awake, usually because they’re so out of place you won’t know what to make of them. I’d site a killer martial arts-wielding lesbian bodyguard (Corrina Everson) and juvenile misunderstandings that result in ridiculous amounts of destruction as some of the “highlights”. I wanted to have fun with this movie, but just couldn’t. You’d think a movie with cartoon bad guys (complete with a missing eye and facial scar) and a half dozen different techniques for automatically killing a man would at least be good for some dumb laughs.

This is a movie whose sole selling point is the double dose of Van Damme. Unless that puts you in an instant state of euphoria, Double Impact will have you begging for twin shotgun barrels in your mouth. (On VHS, January 12, 2016)