#CHUBBY CEASAR

[admrlthundrbolt]

Evil Walks (Poltergeist Esidisi x Chubby Reader)

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After receiving a house from your mysterious late uncle. You move in and strange things begin to happen. Making you realize there may have been a reason that your uncle was so estranged.

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Hey guys, I'm back at it again. This is another installment of my Pillar Men series. It once again got more out of hand than I expected. But I still like the way it turned out. Also I left a hint at what the final story will be.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy.

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You had always thought the long lost relative leaving you a house was just a punchline. But when it happens to you, we'll you can only hope it's not a joke. Having recently graduated from college. It was wonderful to have one part of your future figured out. If only you knew just how oblivious you had been.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Esidisi had enjoyed his time with Robert. The older man was always a riot to mess with. Not to mention his devotion to the supernatural was what brought him to the house in the first place. When the man passed, he couldn't help but expect him to also become a ghost. You could assume something like that after years dealing with the paranormal. Some of it had to rub off on the bachelor. However, luck didn't seem to be on either of their sides. What was a poltergeist to do with all this free time.

Then you showed up. You had this energy to you. It was similar to your uncle, but had an alluring pull to it. Though that wasn't the only thing that had him following you like a lost puppy. Your sweet personality and luscious figure was almost more than he could handle. It was like the gods themselves made you. Not that that had stopped him from playing pranks on you.

First was moving things. He would make it obvious. Your chapstick would find it's way out of your bag and onto the coffee table. That spoon you could have sworn you put in the sink. Was now in the same place you had picked it up from. Shrugging you seemed to write it off as forgetfulness.

Next was the odd noises. The creek of a stair when you were the only one in the house. A wind whistling through, even if all the windows were closed. Not to mention the occasional deep voice that would echo into the night. But you took it all in stride. Going as far to answer his ghoulish howls. You were to pure for this world.

He was close to revealing himself to you. If not for the shock, then so you would only acknowledge him. That was until he showed up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were browsing through the library. It was your favorite place in the old house. You could waste away the day in a place like this. It had literature across every surface. A suprising amount of it happened to be on the supernatural. An overstuffed armchair was situated in one corner. Along with an ornate reading lamp and a side table with many mug rings littering the surface.

It was a place that made you wish you had spent more time with your uncle. There was a time when you were young and he would come around. But memories of those moments always seemed fuzzy. Still the library sang an alluring siren's song of knowledge that you couldn't resist.

He couldn't help but praise your uncle for having this room. He was never one for reading. Watching how it made your eyes light up and the smile it brought to your angelic face. It was enough to make tears well in his eyes. This was your special getaway, so he kept his pranks away from this area. If only to enjoy your tittering and comfort a moment longer.

A knock rang out, startling the both of you. You hadn't been expecting anyone. Cautiously making your way to the front door, your face bloomed in happy surprise. Swiftly opening the door, you smiled at the young blonde man. “Ceasar, what are you doing here?”

He sent a dazzling grin your way and stepped towards you. Sweeping you up into a tight hug. “How could I stay away from a bellissimo woman such as yourself. Also it just so happens that I had some family that lives close by. So it was a win win as you say.” He kept a hand on your lower back and said. “Now why not give me a tour of this wonderful place you've inherited.”

“Sure, I can't wait to show you everything. My uncle even has a private library. Can you believe how amazing that is.” You rambled about the splendor of the home you now owned.

All the while a pouting poltergeist followed the pair. It was one thing for a guest to come by unannounced. But to put his hands on you and act so familiar. It was enough to send him into a sobbing rage. No matter, all he would have to do is plot against this Ceasar. And if there was one thing he would NOT allow is for the other man to step foot in the library. It was a room of great importance. For it's former and current owner, it held many great and secret things. To allow it to be snooped through by the wrong person would be disastrous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the visits became more and more frequent, he knew that he needed to intervene. It started with items that the blonde would convently trip over. A cord here or a shoe there. Either way they would only appear in the man's path, never yours.

Turning up the temperature had only backfired for the aberration. The blonde didn't seem phased in the slightest. While you on the other hand slipped out of your sweatshirt. Leaving you in a tank top for both men to ogle away at your deliciously plush body. If it had been him alone, he would have enjoyed his fill of the glorious sight of you. But having the pleasure shared rubbed him the wrong way. So the temperature suddenly dipped and you layered up.

When that didn't cause enough of a problem. The lights would malfunction in any room he happened to be alone in. From flickering sporadically, to turning off completely. Only to be fine when he called you over to see the problem. Still the man kept returning.

The ghost finally saw a crack in his mask. When a sudden breeze caused a door to slam in his pretty face. He cursed loudly and excused himself to the bathroom. The specter followed, wanting to reveal in his victory. But the sight of the man's reflection halted any celebration. The unmistakable features of an incubus showed in the mirror. The long horns, pointed ears, and large wing tucked against his body. His crimson eyes glared at the his own reflection, before shifting over to Esidisi. “You know this won't stop my pursuit of her.”

His eyes narrowed at the hell spawn. “Do you think she'd feel the same after finding out what you truly are?”

The blonde was quick to click his tongue at the response. “And how would she feel about sharing a house with a specter? I'm sure she would love to know just how little privacy this house holds.” His tone had become venomous.

What little color the afterlife allow covered his cheeks. “I have never encroached on her private moments. Unlike a horn dog like you, I'm sure.”

He snarled at the accusation. “I have never laid an unconsensual finger on her. I wouldn't need to with the energy she exudes anyways. We have held a strictly platonic relationship.” He frowned at the confession.

A smirk settled on the ghost expression. “Much to your disappointment, I assume.”

This caused the incubus to glare at the mirror once more. Answering the other man's query without words. Leaving the room swiftly, he only wished a ghost could properly have a door slammed in it's face.

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He had decided it was time, he desperately needed to reveal his presence. If not to get your attention, than to let you know the danger you were in. Steeling his nerves, he glided into the library. It seemed the most appropriate place to show himself to you. He couldn't recall just how long he had admire you in the space. It was time to return the favor.

Settling across from you, as you reclined in the overstuffed armchair. He shifted into a more corporeal form. He expected a gasp or scream even. But you had yet to look away from your book. Making his way towards you. He placed his hand on the pages and lowered it to your lap. He braced for your reaction once again. But was shocked when you only blinked up at him.

Mouth parting delicately, you said. “So he wasn't insane.” Shooting up from your seat, you dash over to a nearby bookcase. Rummaging through the different volumes you begin to ramble. “So his journals weren't fiction. But that means….” You trailed off and faced the ghost once more. “That means I'm not insane.” Rushing back to him, you took his hand into your own. Shaking it enthusiastically, you beamed up at him.

He looked just as your uncle had described him. Fluffy white hair, x shaped mark on his face, and tanned muscled body. Though as a faint flush took over your face, from excitement or embarrassment, you weren't sure. You couldn't help the way your eyes sweeped over him. He was quite the sight, living or otherwise. “I'm (Y/N), but I'm sure you know that. And you're Esidisi, my uncle wrote all about you.”

This was as much of a shock as you not being bother by him. “About me?” He gave you a quizzical look as his brows furrowed together.

Gripping his hand in your own. You thought back on the fondness your uncle wrote about the poltergeist. It seemed his friendship was something he could always look forward to coming home to. “Oh yes. About your pensions for pranks and harassing unwanted guest.”

This caused him to come out of his content daydream of spending the day conversing away. There was threat looming over you that he wouldn't stand for. “You mustn't spend anymore time with Ceasar. He is out to devour you.”

You fully flushed as far as your ears at that admission. “What makes you say that?”

Your blushing confused face was a pleasant sight. But he had only a moment to savor it. “He is an Incubus. You are not safe around the likes of a creature such as him. He seems to have his sights set on you. And intends to follow you to the ends of the earth to ensnare you.”

Shaking your head you frowned. “But that doesn't make sense. We met in college and he always had a partner. From what I can tell he isn't interested in me romantically.”

He wanted to shake you. Who wouldn't be interested in you. Between you soft pliable body, kindness, and curious nature. Well it was nigh impossible to not want to pursue you. Besides he had seen how the two of you interacted when alone. The blonde would all but fall over himself to fulfill any request you made. “If you will not believe me. Then their must be something in Speedwagon's journal about identifying them.”

You fidgeted under his gaze. It hurt to not take his word for it. You had read so much about him in the journals that it felt like you were already friends. But you were friends with Ceasar and had been for years. Still as you glanced up at the behemoth of a ghost you felt a pull of familiarity. “OK, I'll do some research. But I want you to cool it on the harassing him until I get something a bit more solid.”

He placed a hand to his chest and bowed. “I swear it.” But the mischievous smirk on his handsome face made you think otherwise.

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The next few days were hectic. Between balancing life and Research, you saw supernatural creatures everytime your eyes closed. From an interesting tale of a human warrior and a dragon. The government allowing Werewolves to live in National Parks. To the story of a Gorgon taking in strays. It was a lot to take in after being told that this world was only a fairytale. But you persevered and found every bit of information you could on Incubus.

Esidsi watched over you tirelessly, at least for a ghost that is. He would bring you warm drinks to keep your spirits up. Always remind you when it was time to take a meal break. It made him regret not revealing himself sooner. To think of the time you could have spent together. He especially loved the quirk you had developed of reading out loud for him. It was nice that you would include him in your research. No matter, you were spending time together now.

“Why not catch his reflection in a mirror?” He thought it would be the simplest solution.

Shaking your head, your eyes stayed on the pages in front of you. “No, he was caught once that way. I'm sure he'd do his best to avoid the same mistake.” You felt guilt talking about your friend this way. But the more you learned about the nightmare creatures, the more you believed he could be one.

He rubbed his chin in thought. “Holy water then. It is sure to bring out his demonic side.”

This caused you to glare at the man. “Also no. I refuse to hurt him. Even if he is a supernatural being. He hasn't harmed me in any way. So I will extend the same courtesy to him.” Fed up with the book in your hands, you reached for another.

Racking his brain for a new suggestion, he frowned. He could see the weight of the situation was baring down on you. Cringing at the same thought that he had been avoiding, he sighed. “You could use your charm to wring the answer from him.”

You were quick to shoot that idea down. “That isn't an option. For one neither of us are interested.” The ghost wanted to scoff at the suggestion that Ceasar wasn't into you. “Not to mention creating a romantic bond with a sexual demon can result in a sort of contract. It would create more problems than solutions.”

Silence fell over the room as you both ran out of options. That was until an intriguing line caught your eye. “Here's something new, listen to this. ‘When an Incubus bathes in moonlight his glamor melts away. Only to fall into a lovers arms in his true form.’ Does that mean moonlight strips them of their disguse?” Looking at him quizzically you only receive a shrug in return. “Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I've ever seen him at night. He usually heads home before the sun sets. This could work.” Darting for the kitchen, a bewildered spirit follows close behind.

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Setting the kettle in the sink, your heart was filled with a heaviness. It was hard knowing there was a chance a close friend was using you. You wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But the fatigue when he would leave and never coming around at night. They weren't proving his innocents. You had to be sure though. So you prepare for his eminent arrival.

He watched you flit around the kitchen. Torn between your guilt of not trusting a friend and want you to know the truth. Your safety was his top priority. If not from your uncle's request, than his growing fondness for you.

A knock came from the front door. The two of you glance at each other. Your concerned expression shifted to a smile and you nodded. If not to reassure the ghost than perhaps yourself. Heading towards the door, you noticed him vanish into thin air.

Inviting the blonde in you made your way to the kitchen. “Come on, I made some cookies yesterday and want your opinion.” While you had baked them yesterday, it was only in preparation for today.

“Sounds good.” He followed right behind you, he loved your cooking. He also missed your company, though he understood when you had conflicting schedules. He could feel himself drawn to you like a lost ship to a lighthouse. Something about you was unnervingly alluring. Still that didn't stop his eyes from wandering, looking for an unwanted spirit.

Gesturing to the plate of cookies on the dinning table, you head across the room. “I'll put on some tea. I have a blend that should really compliment the flavor of the cookies.” Turning on the tap, you glanced over your shoulder. He was to preoccupied with the treats to notice that the kettle wasn't under the stream of water. Bringing it over to the stove, you turn on the burner. Then set about preparing the tea and cups.

A pang of guilt surged over you as your gaze met his own. But you had to only remind yourself of what could happen if you didn't prove what he was. One small test to settle your nerves. Even if he wasn't an incubus, there was a chance he could be something else. For goodness sake you were living with a ghost. What your uncle's journals contained had opened your eyes to many possibilities. So a close friend being a Demon right under your nose shouldn't be that surprising.

So lost in your thoughts, you almost jumped as the kettle whistled. Quickly pulling it from the stove top, you took a deep breath. Putting together the drinks, you brought them to the table and sat. Sipping from the cup, you waited in anticipation for his first gulp. It came and there was no change to his appearance. Which made your heart sink in an unexpected way. You never expected for yourself to be disappointed in a negative result. But it may have to do with the way that Esidisi deflated in the corner of your vision.

Suddenly a hand came into veiw. “Are you even listening (Y/N)? I swear it seems like you're looking right through me today.” He pouted at the accusation.

Shaking the thought away, that now seemed ridiculous, you shook your head. “Im sorry, I just have a lot on my mind right now.”

He nodded, but his expression was a bit suspicious. “I understand. Are you still job hunting? I've had some troubles with it myself.” He took another sip from his glass.

Movement caught your eye. Worried it would be the poltergeist attempting to throttle the blonde. You were surprised at what it actually was. Two horns started to materialize on his head. Another sip and his ears began to elongate. As he finished of the cup of tea his true form had revealed itself. Your eyes widened in shock.

Noticing the change in your expression, he paused. “What, is there something on my face?” Bringing a hand up to smooth across his face. He was taken aback at the long nails that had appeared on his fingers. Darting a hand to his head, he felt the all to familiar hardness of horns. Mouth falling open, he rushed to explain. “You shouldn't be seeing me this way. This was supposed to happen differently.” He stepped towards you.

Jumping from your seat, you backed into the kitchen. “I wasn't supposed to know. When then? With you were hovering over my sleeping body then?”

His face pinched in anger. “No, I would never do that to you. The time just never seemed right. Please (Y/N).” He brushed a hand against your plush cheek.

Striking his hand from away, you glared. “We've known each other for years Ceasar. Why wouldn't you trust me with something like this?” Tears began gathering in your eyes. You weren't sure if they were from frustration at his lies or your naivety.

Coming closer to you, a sudden look of rage came over his expression. The weight of a warm hand fell on your shoulder. “That isn't the only lie you've told tonight. Weren't you the one that admitted how her delicious body just radiated energy.”

His words rang in your head. The sleepless nights and lack of motivation after Ceasar's visits. Finally the pieces clicked in place. You were only an object to him. Though you had become much more knowledgeable since your last visit. Sliding a hand into your pocket, you glared at the man you had once considered a friend. “You know, I wasn't sure that the tea made with moon water would work. Your disguse was no match for it though. But it wasn't the only thing I found in my research.” Throwing the handful of salt in his furious face, you said. “I banish you from this home.”

Like a whirlwind he surged out of the nearest open window screeching. Darting over you shut and locked it. Placing a line of salt along the sill.

Turning to the ghost, you leapt and wrapped your arms around his shoulders. “That was exhilarating!”

Wrapping his arms around you, he savored the feeling of you against him. “You did well little one. But will you not miss him.” He knew the wound was fresh. Still he had to know what your feelings were.

Dropping your arms you looked at him in ernest. “If I was only a source of food for him. Then it was time that I cut him out of my life. Would I have thought it would end like that.” You shrugged and let out a heavy sigh.

He stared at you for a moment. Noticing how much you had grown into the world of the supernatural. A sly smile slipped onto his face. “You know, your uncle left you a bit more than you were told of in his will. Though he did leave it up to me as your protector to decide if you were ready. It seems he was right about you all along.” He paused for a beat, he always was a sucker for tension. “Do you think you are prepared for another adventure?”

Smiling at up him, you said. “Well, that all depends. Will I be allowed to bring along a certain specter?”

Caressing a hand down your arm, he intertwined his fingers with your own. “I don't think that will be an issue.”

[dollibunnie]

ABOUT ME

hi im jaz, 18 year old writer

interest : music ( sza, kali uchis, kali, coi leray, kendrick lamar, steve lacy, montell fish, central cee, lana del rey, pinkpantheress,tyler the creator, frank ocean, daniel ceasar, ice spice etc..) art, writing, sewing and knitting, shopping, sanrio ( balletusa and buchiusa , cinnamon roll, my sweet piano, chococat, purin, charmmy kitty ) modeling, sleeping, horror movie, teddy bears, strawberry shortcake

❌ : judgmental people, racist, fat-phobic, homophobic, writers block, demanding people, people who will literally bully you and say the most awful things because they are insecure, two faced cunts, pick me’s ( ex : they try to embarrass you to make themselves look good ) people who romanticize : abusive relationship, r*pe, illegal relationship, cheating etc, ppl who bring up trauma to make fun of you and etc

🎀i am very feminine and girl so reader while always be hyper feminine and/or described to be girly. therefore please do not request masc reader or a request with non black reader. i am a black girl mean reader will be black at all times. minors do not interact. if i see ageless blogs or you don’t have anything nsfw reposted or at least nothing in your blog im going to go crazy. i dot. feel comfortable with that. i would rather i write for people in my age 18 and up.

🎀i type in low case letters bc i hate upcase, i take very long to write due to not knowing what to right or lack of time. please be patient. do not come on my blog and demand me to write something bc we all know you can write it yourself you just want people to do it. reblogs and comments are always accepted. don’t steal my work i will literally cry and please be nice in the comments. no trauma dumping please and don’t leash out on people

what i write for : anime ( aot { eren, connie, armin, jean, reiner, zeke, mikasa, anne } tokyo rev, { baji, draken, kawata brothers, more to come } tlou { ellie, joel, abby } jjk { gojo, toji, geto, nanami, sukuna, yuta } cod { simon riley, könig, price }more to come

kinks / thing i write for : older boyfriend, dilfs, corruption kink, age gap ( legal ), praise and degrading, dacryphilia, daddy kink, somnophilia, dumbification, breeding, praise, breath play / choking, anal play, rimming ( r. receiving ), brat taming, tummy bulging, cervix kissing, spit play, impact play, fem girly reader, chubby n thick reader, angst with happy ending, fluff, smut, more to come

kinks / things i don’t write for : rape, pegging, scat, abuse, cutting while having sex, kidnapping, male reader , masc / non hyperfem reader , dom reader , cheating , teacher and student trope , yandere, non black reader, furries, food play, master / slave trope, more to come

M A S T E R L I S T

[pls-hold-me-im-justa-weeb]

Requesting Rules

Just things I'm comfortable or uncomfortable writing:

Uncomfortable with (topics):

Incest / incest play (I include ASL brothers together)

Non-con / rape / coercing / manipulating reader into sex/ dub-con (CNC depends on the request. Consent is huge for me)

Scat / piss play

Pregnancy sexual situations (I'll do fluffy headcanons of x reader when pregnant, and breeding kinks)

ignoring safewords

dystopian au (nothing against it personally, just not my thing)

yandere

Manipulative character pairings (like purposely manipulative psychos in a relationship)

BIG age gaps (e.g. Garp x reader in 20's)

Father figures x characters

Comfortable with:

Smut (except for the stuff listed above) including multiple person scenarios, M/M!reader, F/F!reader, BDSM

Fluff

Miscommunication / jealousy

Tropes (you can pry the one bed trope and the "creepy guy won't leave _ alone so _ helps" trope from my cold, dead hands)

other au's (yesss gimme a challenge, let my imagination go wild)

Angst (either between characters or if reader/character is suffering mentally)

Angst and fluff

Fluff and smut (my FAVE)

Humor (I'll try, okay? I think I'm HILARIOUS but some other people don't)

Holiday centric pieces (I am pagan, but am familiar with Christian holidays and comfortable writing about it. I would love to write about introducing characters to pagan holidays :). Also like Valentines day, St. Patricks, etc.)

Dialogue prompts

Action/fight scenes

Uncomfortable with (Characters/pairings):

Crocodile

Doflamingo and his family (EXCEPT Corazon<3)

Ceasar

Gecko Moria

Blackbeard

Marine admirals/Garp (all but specified marines below)

Most of the supernova (EXCEPT. Kid, Luffy, Law)

Kaido

Yamato (just haven’t met him yet)

Vinsmoke Judge

Gol D Roger (haven’t met him much yet)

OC's

Comfortable with (Characters)

For anything (Including smut)

Strawhats:

Monster Trio (foursome, threesome, or single pairings x reader)

Nami

Robin

Usopp

Marines:

Koby

Smoker

Others:

Kid

Law

Corazon

Killer

Mihawk

Ace

Marco

Sabo

Katakuri

Reiju Vinsmoke

Ichiji, niji, yonji vinsmoke (pure smut only)

Rayleigh

Fluff only (includes romantic fluff unless stared otherwise)

Straw hats:

Franky

Jinbe

Chopper (NO ROMANCE SCENARIOS)

Brook

Marines:

Garp (same ish age romance scenarios only)

Others:

Any of the mink tribe (including Bepo)

Boa Hancock

Any characters that are not in this list you can ask about, even when my requests are closed :)

Note: I always try to write my pieces to where the reader is described as vaguely as possible to reach the widest audience. Chubby? Amazing, and easy to imagine (stronk anime men). Black? Yes please, and no description of skin color (why I always use ‘heat’ or 'flush’ instead of 'turning red’). Small titties on a fem reader? Love it, and the size isn’t described. The only thing that might not be applicable is that I have characters touching your hair, which doesn’t apply to my badass bald bitches or to anyone who covers their hair as part of their religion. HOWEVER if people want, I can change/remove those parts for any fics they request or add any traits.

[feral-ffa]

CHONKERS

Chonkers is a totally original casual dining concept where you can order sliders, wings, fries, and other tasty bites and get served by a cute fat catboy! (or dogboy or bunnyboy)

Clad in tight white tank tops and orange shorts, the Chonkers waitstaff are so friendly, they just might be convinced to eat right off your plate ;)

cast of characters

In this episode... bunnyboy Timothy has a tummyache after eating too much. He asks the chef, who's been harboring a crush on him, for a belly rub.

Tags: stuffing aftercare, burps & hicups, belly rub, gluttony, soft feedism word count: ~1300

As soon as the rush came, it was over.

Mopping sweat from her brow, gloo stepped back from the hot stoves and stepped out to the server alley for a breather.

Nathan passed her in a whirl of feathers, bobbing his head as he went out the delivery entrance to vape.

No sooner had the door closed behind him, Gloo heard heavy footfalls approaching from the front of house. Nermal, looking sweaty and angrier than usual, stomped over to the pass, with Timothy in tow.

"It's not like this is the first time I've told you or anything! There is no reason to finish someone's entree for free! Maybe, like, a wing, if they tip well. For the whole meal, you gotta give something more than just 20%."

Timothy, who looked pained and even bigger than usual, seemed to ignore Nermal's rant as they stopped in front of Gloo.

"How am I supposed to make money if you're giving services away for free? Timothy? Do I make myself clear?"

"Oh god..." Timothy rubbed his noticeably distended belly. "I'm so bloated." He let out a pitiful hiccup and Gloo's eyes lingered on the swell of his normally soft belly. She tried to will away the blood she felt rushing to her cheeks.

Nermal did his little hair swish/eye roll combo in her direction, as if to say 'see what happens when you don't listen to me?'

"What did he eat?" Gloo asked, throat dry.

"2 classic sliders, a buffalo slider, 2 slices of pepperoni flatbread, half a chicken alfredo flatbread, -those are nasty, you should know better- a lot of fries, 5 potato skins, not sure how many hot honey boneless wings -also gross-."

"And half a pitcher of Schmo lite," Timothy added with another hiccup. One hand rested on his belly and the other held his untied pocket apron to his side.

"Yeaaah." Nermal glanced at his manicured nails. "Anyway Caesar said you could get him fixed up. ...Or sent home if he's gonna keep giving it up for free," he added under his breath as he turned to shimmy away back to the dining rooms.

Caesar, waiting for Nermal at the end of the alley, shot Gloo a look that said "Don't say I never did anything for you."

Gloo returned her attention to Timothy, who didn't look so hot. Ordinarily, Timothy's belly hung low enough to cover the front of his orange uniform shorts, but today his bloated tummy puffed out farther than usual in front of him, softly gurgling. He was occasionally letting out pained hiccups between his labored breathing and his snug uniform top was riding up over his midsection.

"Ceasar said you give good belly rubs, Gloo. I could really use one."

Gloo flushed. She had helped the waitstaff get a burp out once or twice, but it had always felt more like a friendly favor. This was, well... she caught his eyes again, looking pitiful under his sweaty brow.

"Geez Timothy. You can't just clean up after an 8-top like that." Gloo adjusted her ponytail before going to grab a deli tub from the kitchen. When she returned, she swatted Timothy's chubby hand away from the fry bowl in the service window. "Hey, save it for the customers."

"But your fries are so good!"

She knew that he knew what everybody knew: she just reheated the same frozen food that every single Chonkers location served. Timothy was still the only one to compliment her on it though.

"They're frozen fries, you know that." She filled the tub with coke from the fountain.

"Yeah but you mix the two different kinds of fry salt we have together and- HIC"

"Okay, okay, let's get you back out there." Gloo pushed the cup of coke onto his hands. "Only a couple sips."

Timothy got a couple gulps down before whimpering again and leaning his head back. "I really should not have eaten all that, I just couldn't help myself. And they did tip well. I meant to only have a little." He gingerly rested a hand on top of his gut. "I don't think this is helping."

"We just need enough to make a bubble." Gloo took the container back and put it on the service window before stepping behind Timothy and lacing her hands around his front.

She could grab her wrists while encircling him in her arms, but only barely.

"You gonna give it to me from behind, huh?" A teasing tone cuts through Timothy's pained voice.

"How else am I supposed to get leverage? Stand up straight."

Timothy snapped to attention and Gloo leaned in, squeezing his belly in her arms. The smell of sweat and chicken wings and 3-in-1 shampoo wafted into her face.

"How's this feel?" She pressed her palms into his bloated tummy, methodically moving from left to right and back again across the top of his gut, jiggling the firm mass slightly as she went.

"Aaah, be gentle," Timothy whined. "Wait, I think... h-UURP!" He smacked his lips. "I'm, still, uhh..."

"I don't think that was all of it," Gloo muttered, trying not to shiver from how close and warm he was.

"I should just ask to go home, like Nermal said." Timothy lolled his head back in despair, bonking gloo on the top of hers. "Woops, sorry."

She was glad he couldn't see her blush. "Weren't you just asking for more hours yesterday? You big baby." She went back to rubbing his tummy. A few gurgles sounded from his overpacked stomach.

While he continued to whimper, Gloo had to resist the temptation to let her hands travel up to squeeze his plump moobs, or wander down to explore his lower belly rolls. Timothy was the biggest of the Chonkers waitstaff by about 70 pounds, and it showed. Where the other waiters were fast their feet despite their stature, Timothy was slower, jigglier, doughier. This made him a pretty popular waiter through no doing of his own, but his popularity seemed to bewilder him; Gloo was sure he only worked here for free food.

"Nermal was right," Timothy sighed, interrupting Gloo's longing inner montage. "It was good though. Well most of it was. It's kind of hard for me to stop once I get going."

"Yeah, I know." Gloo continued kneading his bloated upper belly, enjoying the moans and whimpers he let out when she pushed on his packed-tight stomach.

Shortly, a gurgle, then...

"BUUUUUUURP! Oouugh..."

"That sounded like it." Gloo released her grasp on Timothy's belly and he lolled his head back again, in relief this time. When their heads made contact, he snapped up and turned to face her.

 "Oh man, that's soooo much better. I'm still pretty full, but..." He trailed off, rubbing his belly. "Are your services available for rent? I could have used your help, like 3 times this week already."

Gloo could no longer resist the heat creeping up her face, but she played it cool. "Sure, text me anytime," she replied with an eye roll. "Now get outta here so you can get a table."

"OK, but let me finish this real quick." Timothy reached for the deli tub of coke that had been abandoned on the window. Gloo was too fast, though, and grabbed it before he could.

"No more soda or else we're gonna have to start this all over again! In fact, no eating or drinking for the rest of your shift."

"OK..."

"I mean it!" Gloo tried not to stare too long at his pouty face.

"Timothy!" Digby, the host's voice rang out from the end of the alley. "If you're not going home early, I have a table!"

"Coming, Digby!" Timothy yelled before turning back to Gloo. "Thanks Gluey, you're a miracle worker."

"A-anytime." Gloo could only stare as he tied his order pad pocket back on, slipping the strings under his burgeoning belly apron, and turned to waddle back out to the dining room.

As if on cue, the noise of the ticket printer started up again just as she saw the last of Timothy's flabby cheeks under his orange shorts.

Gloo sighed and stepped back into the kitchen.

[dilfartist]

Unexpected

Pairing: Yandere bully Joseph x chubby reader

Trigger warnings: bullying (obviously), fat-shaming, sexism, abuse, misogyny.

Disclaimer: my yandere stories are not meant to be Romantic, they are made for horror. I do not condone any yandere behavior in real life.

Staring out the window, you watch as the autumn leaves part from the tree branches onto the ground. You tune out the monotone voice of your teacher, not seeing a need to listen to the lesson; It wouldn't be used later in life anyways. Your eyes drift away from the scenery outside the window to the medium-sized clock above the chalkboard. One-thirty, the period is nearly done.

Not wanting your time to be wasted by the teacher, you raise your hand. The teacher says your name, authorizing you to speak your mind, “Sir, class is almost over.”

The teacher looks surprised. He takes a peek at the clock, “ah, I guess you're right. Okay, class let's wrap up for today. I wouldn't want for us to be late for the assembly.”

You grimace at the mention of the assembly. Usually, you didn't mind assemblies, they lasted till the end of the day and you didn't have to do any work. However, this time was different. You weren't a fan of attending an assembly that idolized your tormentor.

Excpeallly when most of the school - if not all - knew about the bullying. Classmates encouraged the behavior and Teachers simply ignored the situation completely. Telling the principal wasn't going to solve anything due to the fact he was your bully’s uncle.

The bell rings, allowing the students to transition to their next class. “Class dismissed! Remember everyone; page thirty-four is due Monday. I will not accept it after Monday.” the class groans in unison.

The students already knew where to head. Most of the school had been excitedly waiting for this part of the day.

You sigh, following your classmates to exit the classroom. You walked through the halls, decorated head to toe with school pride.

It was no secret your high school thought highly of itself. Robert E. O. Speedwagon - also known for owning the Speedwagon foundation- built and maintained the high school since 1900. Hamon high school was the first school that didn't require money to attend, which is why so many students went to the school. The school also had the best food, teachers, and classes.

You loved Hamon high school at first, but now you felt dread every time you entered those school doors. Uncertain if Joseph was awaiting your arrival or not.

You never understood the reason randomly began to make your life a living hell. You had two theories; either Joseph decided to start for the fun of it or he still had a grudge against you because of your first interaction.

Twelve o'clock, lunchtime. You are your lunch on a bench underneath a large weeping willow. You read silently whilst enjoying the lunch you made yourself the night before. Out of the corner of your eye, you watched as the group of popular kids snicker and whisper to each other, glancing back at you. You could identify each one of them in the group.

The tall, built brunette was Joseph Joestar: a well-known obnoxious cheater Jock. The class clown that wastes everyone's time in class by goofing off to the point you're left with extra homework. The asshole that cheats on every woman he’s been in a relationship with. The guy who can't take anything seriously. The nephew of the owner of the school. Gym coach Lisa Lisa’s son. The boy every girl wants.

The tall, muscular sunflower blonde male Ceasar Zeppeli: a big-time playboy. The guy who has been in almost every girl’s pants. The man who has sex with you only to forget who you are the next day. The Italian foreign exchange student everyone in the school wants a taste of.

The most popular cheerleaders: Suzi Q, Alice, and Doris. You knew them well since Alice and Doris often made fun of you. Suzi Q on the other hand was nothing but an angel. You knew whatever they had planned, Suzi didn't agree with. Suzi would attempt to help you to her best ability so you didn't worry much.

You roll your eyes: You knew what they were planning. You watched as Joseph turned from the group and walked his way over to you.

Joseph stood in front of you, hands in his varsity jacket, a smirk present on his lip. “You’re y/n, right?” he takes one hand out of his jacket pocket to point at you.

“Yes, can I help you?” you ask, eyes not shifting from the page of the book.

“It's rather rude of you not to give me your full attention.” crossing his arms, Joseph pouts akin to a petulant child. “Don't you have any manners?”

Closing the book, you stared back into Joseph's eyes. “I could ask the same. I know you’re just here to mess with me.”

Joseph positions a hand on his chest in an offended manner, “What makes you think I'd do such a thing to you? You have no reason to believe I've come here to mess with you.”

You had numerous reasons actually.

“You’re right, I'm sorry. What did you come here to ask me?”

“Go on a date with me.” Joseph’s lips curled into a grin, a glint of mischief in his eyes. “My treat.”

You were never the type to lose your temper on a stranger, yet, you felt your patience wearing thin at a quick pace; to the point, that you could hit Joseph.

“You think I'm that dumb I'd fall for a dumb prank?” irritation caused shaking your voice. Joseph seemed amused by your anger, his smile never falling but instead growing. “You don't think I haven't heard you making fun of big-sized girls? Or I haven't seen you publicly humiliate girls my size and laugh in their faces after telling them it was all a joke. Well, you won't be laughing in my face or humiliating me.”

You stood up and grabbed your book. Glancing at the group behind Joseph, they seemed dumbfounded to see Joseph getting told off. You were positive they’ve never seen anyone talk to Joseph this way besides Caesar. Your gaze is back to the giant man towering over your form. Joseph isn't fazed by your anger one bit, staring at you with a blank, unreadable, expression.

Though you were absolutely terrified of the tall man in front of you, you swallowed your fear and proceeded with your rant. “I don't understand what girls see in you, your nothing but a dickhead.”

From what you remembered, you walked away leaving Joseph by himself. The rest of the day went on like normal and you had simply forgotten about the whole ordeal. Joseph would take it upon himself to remind you the next day.

Perhaps you wounded his pride. Joseph must have been embarrassed to be rejected by someone whom he considers to be unattractive. It was the only motive you could come up with. You became Joseph’s main target after the exchange, which confirmed your theory.

Your musing was interrupted by the sound of the intercom. “All Students report to the gymnasium. I repeat, all students report to the gymnasium.”

Students talked loudly throughout the hallways as they made their way to the gymnasium. You separated from the crowd, striding towards the women’s restroom. You quickly open the bathroom door and enter before anyone could identify you. The last thing you needed was someone ratting you out to Joseph.

You saunter over to the bathroom mirrors, listening to the students bickering slowly disappearing down the halls. All students and teachers should be at the gymnasium, leaving you by yourself. You gazed into the mirror, taking in your appearance. You huffed in annoyance, disgusted at the way you looked.

Today you decided to wear one of the ugliest red dresses you owned. You hated wearing these clothes, then again you didn't want another one of your favorite dresses being ruined by Joseph.

You remember the last time you wore one of your prettiest dresses to school. The dress was rose pink, with three black buttons on the front, white frills on the bottom, and a black bow wrapped around the midsection. You adored that dress. Unfortunately, Joseph didn't seem to like you being happy. On picture day -when you decide it would be a perfect idea to wear the dress-, Joseph dumped milk on your head, not only ruining your dress but your hair and makeup as well.

You had to wait a month and a half to retake your picture.

You wanted nothing more than to smack Joseph silly, but you stopped yourself from doing so. You weren't sure if Joseph would hit you back or not. And you weren't going to take that chance.

The abrupt sound of heavy footfalls inching closer to the bathroom door startles you. Your eyes dart to the door. A shadow grows bigger and bigger as it comes closer to the bathroom door. You feel your heart beating in your throat, palms coming to be sweaty in a matter of minutes. If the staff found out you skipped the assembly, they’d punish you terribly. You just prayed it wasn't Coach Lisa Lisa. She was the worst when it came to punishments.

Instinctively, you rushed to the last bathroom stall. Once inside you locked the door, then quickly hopped onto the closed toilet lid with your knees to your chest.

You close your eyes idly. You heard the door click open, whining as it opened. You hold two hands against your lips and nose, silencing your anxiety. You feel your heart hammering In your chest when the door shuts close.

The hefty footsteps moving into the bathroom sounded too heavy to be a female’s.

“Oh, piggy! I know you’re in here. Why not come out, I want to see you,” A boyish male voice calls out. Your eyes widen, and the feeling of overwhelming dread grows in the pit of your stomach.

You stayed in place, other than hugging yourself tighter you did not move one muscle.

Joseph is amused by your disobedience. You can tell he knows where you’re hiding, he only wants to play with you. “I see what you’re trying to do, Y/n. Playing hide and seek, are we? Well, I guess I'll play along.”

Joseph approaches the door to the first stall and slams it open with a loud whack. You flinch. The force of impact is strong enough to send vibrations to the other stalls.

“Here!? No.”

He repeats with the second door, getting closer.

“What about here?! Not here either.”

Again, he repeats his last action on the third stall door.

“I feel like I'm getting closer!”Joseph announces in amusement.”

Joseph stands in front of your stall, his sneakers facing you. Before he tries to slam the door open, you weakly announce your presence, voice shaking with trepidation, “I'm here. If you back away I promise I'll come out.” Joseph takes his sweet time backing away, creating enough space where you felt comfortable stepping out.

You unhurriedly stand on your feet, the toilet lid speaking beneath you. Before you get any closer to the door, you peer through the crack of the stall door. Joseph is staring at you, waiting for you to open the door.

You deliberately unlock the door, sliding the lock ever so slowly. You take a shaky breath, pondering what Joseph planned to do with you. Pushing the door open, you exit the stal. Joseph watches you like a lion watching its prey. Joseph’s eyes are unmoving, a smirk appearing on his lips. ”I was worried you didn't come to school today. It's always so boring when I can't have my fun with you.”

You grit your teeth. “Why do you have to be such a dick all the time, Joseph?” you snap.

“Because your reactions always amuse me. Fat girls like you are always so easy to messy with; one negative comment on your weight and you're crying me a river. Its pathetic really.”

You’ve never cried in front of Joseph. Once or twice you went to the bathroom to cry if what he had said was that hurtful.

You scoff, “You have never heard me cry because of your dumb words.”

Joseph’s left eyebrow raises, “Oh really?” he chuckles, “You’re lying. I've followed you numerous times and I've eavesdropped on you balling your eyes out in the bathroom. Try again, sweetheart.”

Feed up with Joseph, you attempted to run past him in an endeavor to escape. Joseph simply grabbed you by the waist and pulled you back, laughing as you squirmed in his hold. When all attempts of leaving his grasp turned futile, you began to sob tears of anger. “What the fuck do you want from me, Joseph? So what I hurt your pride by rejecting you, that doesn't mean you abuse me for it!”

“It's so much more than that.”

“I don't care what the other reason is! I can't wait until next month so I won't have to deal with your bullshit anymore!”

Joseph grabs your body and positions it to where you can see each other. His face is full of confusion, “what are talking about? Joseph asked incredulously.

You smile wickedly, for once Joseph hasn't guessed your next line. “I’ll be moving next month. I can finally start over again. I’ll have a new reputation, new friends, and hell maybe ill even score a boyfriend.”

Joseph’s puzzled expression unexpectedly shifts into one of fury. Joseph’s eyebrows scrunch, his lip forms into a scowl, and you can hear his breathing become unsteady. Joseph shoves you into the bathroom wall. Full-on sobbing in pain from the result of hitting the wall; you held your head in your hands, the intolerable pain could only be described as a headache but ten times worse. You leaned against the wall for support, eyeing Joseph with bleary eyes as he started to walk towards you.

Joseph pointed his index finger at you as he spoke, “You better learn to love me back. you know why? Because nobody else will ever love you- so you’re stuck with me.” Joseph fumed. Joseph crouches to your level, glaring down at you.

“What?” you whimpered in puzzlement.

“You want to know the reason I target you so much, Y/n? It’s because I want you all to myself and it irritates me. Truth is, I find girls like you sexy. Of course, I'd never say it out loud.” He let out a short-lived laugh before continuing.

“I enjoy your curves, your chubby cheeks, and God don't even get me started on your thighs. But most importantly, Y/n, I've always been interested in you. Ever since eighth grade. I would be damned if I allowed you to date a man who isn't myself.”

Joseph dips his head down to where he can whisper in your ear. “No matter where you run off to, I will always find you. I won't stop until you are mine, Y/n L/n”

[zyettemoon1800]

WELCOME TO THE BLOG (Pt.1)

ALL PILLARMEN

Christmas shot (5)

Christmas Shots (4)

Christmas Shot (3)

Christmas Shots (2)

Christmas shots (1)

How the pillar men react to your Graduation Day *Modern AU*

Pillarmen do the Paqui One Chip Challenge

Pillarmen x cheater s/o

pillarmen reacting to their daughter getting her first period?

pillarmen singing you a song

Pillar men x black s/o (someone said something racist to you)

Pillarmen Thanksgiving

Female pillar leading the pillarmen

What the pillarmen reactions be to their s/o calling them cute?

Pillarmen x reader who can see ghosts only on Halloween

Pillarmen x reader who speaks different languages

pillarmen x trickster reader

Yandere Pillar men x reader who doesn't want their baby

Pillarmen x cheater s/o

S/o is pregnant...again

pillarmen reacting to the fanfic about them

Pillarmen reacting to reader chafing

Pillarmen carve faces in a pumpkin

pillarmen's reaction when friends reader come to the reader's house for a sleepover?

pillarmen's reaction to their fem Amazonian s/o

Helping s/o baby-sit

Father Pillarmen Headcannons

Pillarmen x short tomboy

Pillar men x pregnant s/o with big chest

Pillar menxMale S/O who likes to hold their hands

Pillarmen x reader coming out as trans

Pillarmen x male shapeshifter

Pillarmen x reader who is getting wisdom teeth pulled

Pillarmen x child *going trick or treating*

Pillarmen x tall male s/o

Pillarmen x reader who shares their treats

pillar men x autisic s/o

Pillarmen react to a bullied s/o

Yandere dragon pillarmen x s/o

Pillarmen x angel s/o

Pillar men reacting to baby teething

pillar man celebrating Christmas with their s/o

Pillarmen dressing up as Santa for their baby and their s/o

Pillar men x clueless reader

pillar men react to mistletoe

Pillarmen vs Karens

Pillarmen losing short human in snow

pillarmen gym

Pillar men x fem reader *period pains*

Pillarmen realizing that their s/o will die soon

pillar men x wheelchair fem reader

When they found out their S/o was pregnant (1)

Pillar men x reader who stutters

KARS

Yandere kars x reader with kids

Kars x Wamuu *Headcannon*

Yandere Kars  A-Z *NSFW*

* Modern AU* Kars x black reader

*Cuddles* Santana x reader x Kars

Kars Headcannon *sick/chubby reader

Yandere Kars x reader * My Queen*

Esidisi x Kars

Yandere Kars x reader

Kars x Wamuu *Headcannon*

ESIDSI

Esidisi x thicc/smol reader *Punishment* ;)

Wamuu x reader x Esidisi  *Easily sick S/o*

Esidisi x Kars

Esidisi Headcannon *sick/chubby reader*

Esidisi  *NSFW A-Z*

Esidsi x chubby reader

fluffy esidisi hcs

Esidisi x reader *rough day*

WAMUU

Kars x Wamuu *Headcannon*

Wamuu  A-Z*NSFW*

Wamuu x reader x Esidisi  *Easily sick S/o*

Wamuu x chubby reader lemon*Perfect*

Yandere Wammu x shy/smol reader

Wammu Headcannon *sick/chubby reader*

Wamuu and Santana x reader

Wamuu x Ceasar's sister

Kars x Wamuu *Headcannon*

Wammu and Santana reacting to their s/o wearing a silly costume

Wamuu x reader  *modern*

Wamuu and Santana reacting to their s/o ugly sweater

Yandere Wammu x shy/smol reader(2)

Wamuu's gym/boxing ring

SANTANA

Yandere Santana x Scientist Reader

Santana x insecure chubby reader

Santana A-Z *NSFW*

*Cuddles* Santana x reader x Kars

Santana Headcannon *sick/chubby reader*

Santana x smol gf *headcannon*

Santana x tiny s/o

Wamuu and Santana x reader

Santana x insecure chubby reader

Yandere Santana x Scientist Reader

Wammu and Santana reacting to their s/o wearing a silly costume

Wamuu and Santana reacting to their s/o ugly sweater

Santana x S/O "During Christmas"

[darknessisafriend]

Pampering Commodus

The title says it all, only fluff and slightly implied sub Commodus.

It's also inspired from a dream I had with him😍

@emperor-commodus I dedicate this to you, I hope it will make you feel better after a hard day of work, my Lord

You were comfortably settled on the imperial bed, reading stories on a few scrolls, you were used to go to sleep late in the night, you always tried to stay awake to greet back Commodus , even though he would tell you that you shouldn’t wait for him. Inside he loved it, at least someone, you, cared enough for him to lose a few hours of sleep…just for him.

You heard the doors of the Chamber open softly, you smiled as you heard him walk as quietly as possible in case you were asleep. As he reached the bed and noticed you were awake; he sighed in contentment, pleased to see you had waited for him

“You should be sleeping.” He still said and dragged himself to bed, almost tripping on his own feet; he was exhausted. He still had his armor on, and honestly you didn’t know how he could bear to wear it all day along. He collapsed face first on the mattress, his crown falling off his head. You watched him with a softened smile; poor man was doing so much to be accepted and loved by the People. You set your scrolls aside and scooted closer to him, gently caressing his head.

“If only Rome could see how much you sacrifice for them…” you spoke softly, he sighed in delight under your touch; then, crawled onto your lap, delicately taking the fabric of your dress between his fingers and bringing it to his face, closing his eyes as he inhaled your scent, he was finally home.

And you could feel how much weight he bared on his shoulders, the exhaustion, the tension; a warm and relaxing bath, that’s what he needed.

“My love, it’s not that you smell bad, but I think a bath would do you good.” You suggested softly; he slightly turned his head to meet your eyes, he had his inquisitive look of Emperor, but they were also glowing with playfulness, Commodus playfulness.

“Are you sure that you are not insinuating that I stink?” he asked in a low tone, slightly arching an eyebrow like he often did when he asked a question.

“Yes I’m sure. I love your smell…” you bent down tenderly kissing his lips, your fingers lightly tracing his features “The mix between the oils you put on this morning, the incense from the temple, the smell of sand mixed with sweat as you trained with your pretorians…love it.” You smiled against his lips before straightening up. “Now, sit up. You have to get rid of this armor, love.”  You instructed him; out of question to leave him like that. You only enjoyed his armor for sex, otherwise you hated not being able to feel his heartbeat.

“Very well.” He sat up, his legs dangling over the edge of the bed, about to undo his armor himself.

“Give me your hands.” You instructed him before he could do anything else. He obeyed as usual; looking at your hands as they worked to undo the armored pieces on his forearms, then the golden bracelets on his wrists, lightly caressing them.

“You truly love those bracelets, don’t you?” he teased you softly.  

“They look amazing on you…especially when you wear nothing else. Arms up.” You instructed next with a little grin. He chuckled with a boyish smile as he obeyed, letting you access the straps on the sides. You leaned forward as you undid the straps, lightly inhaling his scent, feeling the warmth of his body, radiating off him as you finally took it off his chest. He took a deep breath, as if he was for the first time inhaling fresh air.

“See? You’re already feeling better.”

“You’re right, I tend to forget how constraining it is.” He admitted with a little pleased smile.

“I don’t know how you can forget that.” You chuckled tenderly kissing his lips; he leaned into the kiss almost desperately, as if he had been craving it and he probably had. You smiled against his lips, it was hard to resist his kisses and he knew it. So, you gently pushed him away.

“No negotiations possible. Bath. Now.” You breathed, your voice slightly hoarse with the kiss.

You got out of bed before you couldn’t resist him anymore and crouched down to take off the armored pieces on his shins, as well as his boots. He looked at you tenderly, a childish smile on his face; no one had ever cared for him this way, no one had ever done that to him, not even his big sister or his father. With you, he was recovering from the childhood he had been denied of. Then, you stood up, detailing him, your beautiful Emperor, even tired he was beautiful; and now only wearing his tunic, pants and cravat, how tempting he was…but the tired look on his face brought you back to reality, this boy needed to be pampered today.

“Oh, almost forgot!” you softly exclaimed as you noticed the rings on his hand, so you took his hand and delicately took off his rings, kissing each knuckle fondly.

“Now Ceasar is ready for his bath.” You smiled softly at him as you placed one last kiss on the back of his hand.

“Are you certain? Now that my armor is off, we could stay right here. Sleep…” he tried with a little smirk.

“I assure you we will get a nice restful sleep or whatever you wish after the bath, otherwise you are going to wiggle in your sleep the whole night. Don’t you want me to wash you?” he arched an eyebrow, realizing how nice it could actually be, especially for him who craved attention.

“Oh now that makes it a lot nicer!” he replied more excitedly than he expected it to come out.

You giggled at his boyish reaction and excitedly stole his golden laurel crown on the bed, putting it on your head with a proud grin, you were the only one Commodus would ever authorize to do that, not even Lucius could.

You approached him even more, your legs touching his knees. Slowly you wrapped the end of his cravat around your hand and pulled on it to make him get up and follow you; he smirked, obeying, letting you lead him to the baths.

“Are you thinking of me as your dog?” he teased you on a fake outraged tone, but still dutifully following you.

“No, I’m thinking of you as my puppy. A very obedient puppy.” you winked at him, he huffed, he had gotten himself quite a woman, but he loved when you were the one in control, he could fully relax.

“Get ready, I am getting a few things.” You instructed him as you entered the baths room and let go of his cravat, heading to the table were all the oils and body cleaning products were. As you picked up what you wanted, you gazed over at Commodus; watching him as he took off his tunic, exposing his strong shoulders and back to you, as well as they love scratches you had left on his skin the night before; it made you grin knowingly as you thought about it. Then, he got rid of his pants and undergarments, his perfectly muscled and rounded bottom coming into your view; you lightly sighed, how much you loved that part of his body.

He sighed in contentment as he slowly slid into the warm water, his arms resting on the edge of the pool, even in the most natural attire, he looked like the greatest Emperor that ever walked on this Earth. You joined him, sitting on the edge, letting your feet and legs in the water. He watched you as you filled a cup of water and started to dampen his body. You both stayed silent as you washed his torso and arms, enjoying the peace of the moment, those where to rare during the day.

You turned your head as you heard someone entered the room; a servant coming to inquire if you and the Emperor needed anything.

“Wine and a few treats.” Ordered Commodus, his eyes never leaving you. He sighed in contentment and closed his eyes to enjoy the care you gave him; it felt incredibly nice and made him forget his hard day.

“Give me your leg.” You instructed him in a murmur not to disturb his rest. He obeyed, resting his leg on your lap, your hand running along his muscular leg as you washed, he wouldn’t have been tired, your hand would have wandered further down his inner thigh. But you enjoyed the moment nonetheless, you loved to pamper him.

The servant came back shortly afterwards, when you finished washing your Caesar; he was about to leave the tray on the table. The noise making the Emperor open his eyes again. Commodus whistled and motioned with his fingers for the servant to bring everything by your side; you took your cup of wine while the young Emperor took his; enjoying even more the warm and relaxing water. Then, you took a few grapes in your hand from the cup beside you, presenting them to the lips of your lover to feed him, which he gladly accepted, his lips always closing around the tip of your fingers.  

“Do you think I look like a fat little hamster?” he suddenly asked out of the blue, turning his head to look at you in the eyes; blinked a few times and then snorted, trying not to laugh at his question.

“What kind of question is that?” you giggled but stopped when he gave you his serious look which in return wanted to make you laugh even more “Have you seen how well built you are?” you added more calmly, curious to know where this was coming from.

“I know that. I train and I take care of my body. It’s just this afternoon, I spent some time with Lucius, we played together, and he made a joke, saying my face is round like a fat little hamster.” He explained with his sulking face. And you bit the inside of your cheek to avoid laughing at him, and then, leaned forward to kiss his cheek.

“No, you don’t look like a fat little hamster and I love your chubby cheeks anyway.” You smiled softened.

“I don’t know how to feel about your answer…” he replied with a serious face but the tone of his face playful. You grinned and kiss his lips sensually.

“If you want to know, you better hurry back to our bed…” you purred, not being able to resist to tempt him. And then, you got up; a playful grin on your lips as you walked away from the pool and started to run, giggling as you heard Commodus quickly getting out of the pool to go after you and catch you.

Commodus Harem: @lyoongx @weirdflecksbutok @skaravile @niniitah-ah @stardancerluv @sgtsavoytruffle @charlie-sisters @ohcarlesmycarles @rajacero @hopelessdisasterr @stellargirlie @rosebloodstuffandthangss @clowndaddyfleck @jaylovesbats @dreamingmaria @sagyunaro @just-a-fucking-comedy @spaceinvader @radio-hoo-ha​ @lady-carnivals-stuff​ @sierraclegane​ @legojorny​ @lemondedeniname​ @hvproductions​ @syvellsworld​ @papercut-paranoia​ @jokerflecker​ @beautifulyoungprospect​ @bring-your-holy-water​

[quietpoeticheart]

Fluffy

Summary: After weeks of noticing changes in Bucky, Eden, his girlfriend finally gets to the root of his new behavior and tries to fix it before it damages him permanently.

Paring: Chubby Bucky Barnes x Black! OC

Word Count: 2250

Warnings: Low self esteem, slight eating disorder (I'm not sure what to call it), lots and lots of fluff, lots of feelings

A/N: I've never written a chubby Bucky fic before but I had the idea and it wouldn't leave so now we have this. It really wasn't supposed to be this long but I ended up loving Eden and Bucky so much that it ended up being longer than anticipated but I'm not complaining cause its cute and I'm a such a sucker for soft Bucky Enjoy!!!!!

Recently, Eden had noticed a concerning change in Bucky's behavior. It had started three weeks ago. The first change had been his clothes, when they were going out for a walk.

"Buck, are you ready?" Eden called. They were supposed to leave over half an hour ago but Bucky was taking forever to get ready.

"I'm coming now doll." Bucky yelled. When he exited their bedroom and entered the living room, Eden looked him up and down quizzically, raising her eyebrows. He was wearing a thick oversized sweater with a bulky jacket over it.

"Babe, are you sure that's what you wanna wear?" Eden was taken aback by his outfit choice, it was July for Christ's sake

Bucky nodded.

"Buck, its sweltering outside. It's the middle of summer, why don't you take off the jacket?"

"I'm fine with what I'm wearing Edie. Let's just go." Bucky insisted. Eden sighed and resigned the matter, thinking that he was simply feeling more self conscious than usual about his arm.

The next incident had been when they'd gone to the beach.

"Buck, are you coming in the water?"

Bucky had lowered his sunglasses to look at her and shook his head "I think I'll stay here and watch you, if you don't mind."

Eden frowned at him. Of course she minded, he'd been the one to suggest going to the beach to combat the heatwave that'd been sweeping New York. She'd pulled out her new yellow bikini that made her brown skin pop even more, taken out her wig and left her natural hair loose and driven here only for him to change his mind.

"James, you made us come here and now you don't want to go swim. You know what? I'll go by myself since it's clearly too much to ask of you."

Eden turned away from him and stalked down the sand towards the sea. She wasn't going to do this. When she was halfway there, she heard Bucky's voice.

"Edie wait." He was jogging to catch up with her. "I'll come with you."

She rolled her eyes and kept walking. Bucky grabbed her arm and pulled her into him for a kiss. Turning her head away, she frowned at him again.

"I'm still mad at you."

"I know doll, how about I get you ice cream later to make up for it?"

She tip toed to meet his height and pressed a kiss to his lips, "Deal, now let's go."

Bucky wrapped his hand in hers and began walking again.

Eden looked at him, "Aren't you going to take off your shirt?"

"Nope." He said. It struck her as odd but she didn't question it. The beach was crowded and she assumed he didn't want people to see his scars which was understandable.

The next change that took place was the one that raised the most concern, a change in his eating habits.

They'd gone out for dinner that night at their favorite restaurant. When the waiter came to take your orders, Bucky said, "I'll have the Ceasar salad."

This was alarming, James Buchanan Barnes was not the kind of man that ordered salads as a meal.

"A salad babe?" She asked, trying to make sense of what was going on.

"Oh, yeah, I'm not too hungry tonight I guess." Bucky mumbled.

"Are you sure? We can always change your order." Eden pressed. She knew her boyfriend well enough to know that a salad was never gonna satisfy him.

"Eden, doll, I'm fine."

She didn't want to push the matter to upset him so she left it alone.

This change worsened over the next couple of weeks going from him eating salads and fruit to him skipping meals entirely. She had to admit, the multitude of excuses he could come up with was impressive.

"Y/N, I'm not hungry."

"I ate before I came home."

"I have work to do, I'll eat later."

"I'll eat at work."

"I grabbed food with the boys earlier."

After that, came refusing to take pictures with you.

There was this French inspired teashop that had recently opened that she'd been begging Bucky to carry her to and eventually he'd caved.

While you where there, she decided that she'd take a few pictures for Instagram.

"Hey Buck." Eden called

"Yeah Edie?"

"You wanna take pictures with me for Instagram?"

"I don't think so baby." Bucky shook his head, his hair flying in his face.

She expected him to say yes, he loved taking pictures with her. All over their apartment was littered with various Polaroids and framed images of you two over the course of their relationship. He'd never said no before and she were astonished.

"But why baby?" Eden pouted prettily at him, hoping it'd change his mind.

"I just don't want to today."

"Is it because you think I don't look pretty?" She had to admit to yourself that this was a new low, trying to guilt trip him by jumping to conclusions but she were desperate to know why all of a sudden the majority of his mannerisms had changed.

Bucky was absolutely bewildered by your response.

"Eden doll, you look stunning, I just don't want any pictures."

Well, you did look good and weren't going to pass up an opportunity to get good pictures so you let it go

"Fine, but you're gonna take pictures of me then."

Then there was tonight.

"Bucky!" Eden called, her stilettos clacking noisily on the marble tiles, "Hurry up, we're gonna be late."

"Eden, I'm feeling sick, just go without me." He called back from your bedroom.

At this point, she was frustrated. This was an important charity event that the company she worked for was hosting and even though Bucky hated those events, he'd agreed to come but now was suddenly too sick to attend.

She'd had enough of his weird behavior the past few weeks and she was going to give him a piece of her mind.

She walked into the room prepared to tell him off, but what she saw wasn't what was expected.

Bucky was sitting on your bed, tie in his hand, facing your full length mirror, crying his eyes out.

"Buck." She called out.

He jumped, even though he'd been expecting her to come, she'd startled him.

"Hey, Edie" Bucky said.

She walked over and sat next to him on the bed, "Buck, what's wrong?"

"Nothing sweetheart."

Black don't crack but this boy was gonna give her wrinkles with the amount of glaring she was doing right now "James Barnes, if nothing is wrong, then why are you crying?"

This only seemed to make him cry even more.

"Baby, c'mon tell me what's wrong?"

Bucky shook his head. Eden wrapped her arms around Bucky and pulled him into her. As he buried his head in her chest, she gently stroked his hair, trying to soothe him.

Eventually, he raised his head, "Your dress is all wet, I'm sorry."

Pressing a kiss to his tear streaked cheek, she smiled gently at him, "It's okay my love."

"No it's not. Why are you so nice to me?"

Eden was perplexed, she was usually the needy one, aggravating Bucky every couple hours to reassure her that he'd love her even if she were a worm. He'd never needed validation but if that's what he needed now, she'd write him a book. She'd do anything to make him happy again.

"Because you're my handsome boyfriend and I love you."

At that, Bucky promptly burst into tears again.

"No no no baby, don't cry. Just tell me what's wrong James."

"I'm not handsome Eden." His voice sounded pained as he said it. She decided to try again

"You're right baby, you're sexy."

"I'm not, I'm fat." He blurted out before burying his face in his hands.

That's when it clicked. Everything that he'd been doing had stemmed from this insecurity, but she didn't know where it came from, he'd never spoken about himself like that. Bucky may not have had an ego but he knew that he was attractive.

Eden felt like crap actually for ignoring all the signs over the weeks and coming up with reasons, instead of asking him about it. There was nothing she could do now besides try her best to talk to him about it.

"You're not fat baby."

"Yes I am"

"James look at me."

When he refused, she took his chin and gently raised it so he could look you in the eyes, "Bucky, you're the most handsome guy I've ever seen."

Bucky pulled himself away from her and stood in front of her gesturing to his belly that was slightly straining against the fabric of his shirt,

"Look at me Eden, I'm chubby."

She raked her eyes over his figure. It was true that he'd put on a few pounds and instead of its usual firm shape, his stomach was now soft and slightly pillowy but it didn't take away from his attractiveness, it added to it.

"Baby, you're not chubby."

"Then what would you call this Eden?" He cried out almost frustratingly.

"Fluffy."

Bucky looked at her incredulously, "Fluffy?"

Eden nodded, "Fluffy like a cloud or a pillow or an adorable bunny rabbit."

If looks could kill, the glare Bucky gave her in that moment would have annihilated her instantly.

"I'm a man Eden, I'm not supposed to be adorable or fluffy."

Now it was her turn to glare at him. She made a mental reminder to rub her face with some cocoa butter later to prevent wrinkles.

"Who says that men can't be adorable?"

"That's...just how it is Eden." Bucky sighed. He hated feeling like this, weak and insecure, he was supposed to be the one taking care of Edie but here she was having to baby him.

"No it's not James. Who told you that?"

"No one." Bucky's answer came way too suddenly and Eden knew he was lying.

"Bucky..."

"Fine, it was Brock. He told me that I was getting tubby and that I didn't deserve you because you're so much more better looking than I am and that you'd realise that soon enough and leave me because you wanted a man that could take care of you." Bucky burst into tears again.

He felt so ashamed of himself for crying so much in front of Eden but he couldn't help it. He'd bottled up these feelings inside for weeks and now it was all spilling out.

Eden was furious. She'd always known that Brock was an asshole but to go to this length to tear down Bucky's self esteem and convince him that she was gonna leave him, was too far and she made a mental note to punch him the next day that she saw him at work for making her boyfriend cry.

"Baby I'll never leave you. I've been with you for four years and I'm not going anywhere. Your attractiveness does not decrease because you gained a little weight. I'm with you because you love and respect me not because you're hot. You are worthy of me James and you always will be."

Eden leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his stomach. It was warm and soft and she loved it, she loved all of him, just the way he was and she just hoped that he would see that.

"Are you sure that you don't mind?"

"Yup."

"You promise you'll never leave me?" Bucky's voice was almost childlike. He still found it a little hard to believe that, Eden didn't mind. He'd always known that her heart was big but her accepting him even when he couldn't accept himself, meant so much to him.

"I promise."

"And you still think I'm attractive?"

Eden giggled, "Still as hot as the day I met you."

For the first time that night Bucky smiled and it warmed her heart to see it.

Bucky sat next to her and pulled her onto his lap to straddle him, kissing her neck, "I love you Eden."

"I love you too James."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you how I was feeling. We could've prevented all of this." Despite all the joy, he had in that moment, there was also a lingering sense of regret for not coming to Eden earlier. Bucky felt like crap for doubting her, for thinking she'd abandon him. He couldn't believe that he thought that she'd give up on him

"Don't apologize baby, I understand that its hard. I'm just glad that we were able to work it out. Do you feel better now baby?"

"Yeah I am." And it was the truth. He felt like a weight had been lifted off of him. For the first time in weeks, Bucky was truly happy.

"I'm sorry too Bucky."

"For what Edie?"

"For not talking to you about the changes I was noticing." It was still bothering her that she hadn't said anything to him about them. Eden felt, that she'd in a way, failed him.

"You don't have to apologize Eden. I should've been mature enough to speak to you about it instead of acting like a child. Don't feel guilty." He leaned in and kissed her.

Eden pulled away, her hands unbuttoning his shirt "So how about, we skip this thing and I show you just how much I love your body."

"I thought this event was important?"

Smirking, Eden slid the white material off his shoulders, "We'll just tell them that we were sick."

---

I'm open to doing a sequel to this piece, or making it a series or something. Maybe doing some headcanons or drabbles. Leave a comment if you want to see more of this work or simply if you enjoyed it.

My taglist is also open, so if anyone wants to be added, you can leave it in the comments.

[midnightmorales]

perfect - t.h.

warnings: insecure reader, fatphobia, harmful diet (hey if you see this and you're thinking about doing the diet mentioned- don't! it's unhealthy, and you're beautiful just like you are❤)

word count: 950 (it's really short, i'm sorry)

pairing: tom holland x (insecure!) (chubby!) (model!) reader

summary: you've been chubby your entire life, but some recent mean comments you've received have really hit home with you. you start on a diet, which leaves you barely eating. it doesn't help when an interviewer makes some rude remarks as well.

a/n: i kind of read the request wrong, i'm just now realizing. sorry, dude! i hope this isn't too far from what you originally had in mind!

~

you flopped down on your couch, equipped with a bag of chips and a bottle of coca cola.

you'd had a long day, and you just wanted to relax.

you pulled out your phone and began scrolling aimlessly through twitter. you smiled, seeing a picture of yourself that your boyfriend, tom, had posted.

your smile quickly disappeared, though, as you noticed what some of the comments said.

"damn shes been putting on weight huh"

"ur fat"

"she really doesn't deserve him"

you put your phone to sleep, setting it down beside you as you glanced at what you were eating.

you knew you were overweight; it had always been like this, since you were young. you hadn't ever really minded, though.

despite your weight, a year ago you'd been offered a modeling gig. from there, you got into acting, and met your boyfriend tom.

you were quite new to the whole fame thing. these were the first mean comments you'd seen.

"they're wrong," you told yourself. "they're just jealous. you're a model, y/n, come on!"

tears welled in your eyes. you didn't believe yourself.

you grabbed the chips and coke, and dumped them in the garbage, before letting out a large sob.

you sat by the bin, crying. defeated. you felt ugly. you felt ashamed. you were gross, you told yourself. an abomination. why should anyone have to look at you?

you wanted to be pretty. skinny. you sniffled, wiping your face with your arm. that was it! no more of this 'fat y/n'!

you were going to be beautiful if it cost you your life!

you stood. a sense of determination filled the room.

two hours and twenty-three minutes later, you had entirely rid the apartment you and tom shared of any food that was not healthy. every single thing.

as soon as you were done with that, you picked your phone back up and googled 'diets to lose weight fast'.

you were going to be gorgeous!

you found something quickly- the military diet. you'd only eat 1,000 calories a day, as opposed to your regular intake. the diet also mentioned days off, but you thought you'd lose a lot more weight a lot faster just skipping those cheat days.

"darling?" you heard. tom was home.

you quickly closed the tab and tried to act like nothing was wrong. "hey babe," you smiled.

he gave you a quick kiss before setting his stuff down. "i was thinking we could go out for dinner tonight?"

you weren't sure how many calories you'd had today, and you didn't want to offset the diet.

"how about tomorrow?" you suggested.

"sure, love," tom smiled. "i think i'm gonna take a nap."

he kissed your cheek before going to your room.

-

"what can i get for you two?" the waitress asked, clicking her pen.

tom had surprised you with your favorite steak house. while you appreciated the gesture, you knew you wouldn't be able to eat anything without going over your calorie limit.

tom ordered, and the waitress turned her eyes to you. "and you, ma'am"

you glanced at the menu one more time. "i'll just have the ceasar salad, please,"

"alrighty! your food should be out soon!" the waitress smiled, taking your menus before leaving.

"are you alright, love?" tom asked. you glanced at him, noticing the worry in his eyes.

"hm?" you looked away, becoming particularly intrigued with your fingernails.

"don't play dumb with me, y/n," tom said, taking your hand lightly in his. "you haven't been eating right all day. are you okay?"

you looked back up at him. he smiled softly. god, he was so sweet! what did you ever do to deserve someone like him?

"i'm fine, tommy," you lied. you squeezed his hand, smiling back. "i'm perfectly fine,"

he leaned across the table to kiss you. "okay, love,"

your food came soon after, and you and tom ate in silence.

the drive home was almost entirely silent too, until tom cleared his throat and began speaking.

"so, i asked, and.... you get to come to my next interview with me!"

"really?" you smiled, genuinely. "that's great tommy!"

"i know!! it's tomorrow, 7:30am, okay?"

you nodded, grinning widely.

-

"tommy, do i look okay?" you asked your boyfriend.

"you're gorgeous, babe," he said, giving you a quick peck on the lips. "come on, though, we've got to go,"

it wasn't too long before you were sitting in the interview room with tom, answering questions.

"okay," the man interviewing you said. "this next question is directed at y/n."

"shoot," you said, smiling brightly.

"is it hard being a plus-sized model?" your smile quickly disappeared. "i mean, everywhere you look you must see all these pretty women and-"

"are you saying she's not pretty?" tom cut in. you looked at him and could see the rage seething in his eyes. "listen, man, if you're gonna insult my girlfriend, we've got better things to do,"

"wait, no, i didn't-" but it was too late. tom had already grabbed your hand and the two of you were already leaving.

tears welled in your eyes, no matter how hard you tried to fight it.

instead of driving home immediately, the two of you sat in the parking lot, silent. your hand was still gripping tom's.

"babe?" you looked up at him, and now he could see that you were crying. he pulled you into a hug. "don't listen to them. i don't care if you weight 100 pounds or 600 pounds- you're perfect,"

you smiled at him, even letting a small laugh escape. he grinned, "that's better,"

he kissed your forehead. "come on, we'll watch movies and eat popcorn all night,"

"sounds amazing,"

[rayofsunshine26]

Tagged by: @dreambxby

Rule: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you’d like to know better

Nickname: Ray

Gender: female

Zodiac: Sagittarius

Height: around 5’6

Age: 22

Time: 8:16

Favorite band/ Solo artist: oh god that’s hard I like Janelle Monáe, Daniel Cesar, frank ocean, Beyoncé, local natives

Songs stuck in my head: right now it’s dance apocalyptic by Janelle Monáe randomly

Last movie I saw: the new mission impossible

Last thing I googled: I think it was how to put away cut cucumber

Other blogs: @hissanm @pearlofmydreams

Do I get asks: every blue moon

Why I choose my username: my mom called me her Ray of sunshine when I was little all the time and my birthday is on the 26th

Following: 214

Hours of sleep: around 6 or 7 hours on average

What I’m wearing: an oversized Nike tank and some shorts

Dream job: an archivists at a major art museum

Dream trip: honestly I’d love to just travel the world for the rest of my life but I’ve always wanted to go to Greece, Paris, London and plenty more places

Favorite food: generally anything with shrimp and sushi

Play any instruments: nope

Favorite song: get you by Daniel Ceasar probably

Language you speak/are learning: English and I’d love to learn French

Played any sports: no I’m like the most unathletic person ever

Eye color: brown

Most iconic song: what’s going on by Marvin Gaye

Random fact: I knit

Describe yourself: I’m a chill shy person and I really like being surrounded by creativity, that’s why I went to undergrad for art history. I love binge watching shows and I think stuff like cosplay is really cool. I have pretty thick longish hair and I’m kinda chubby with glasses. Umm I guess that’s about it.

@pearlofmydreams @jorelspics @goldenndior @thebesstjewl @vagabondmaurice @hissanm

[justanotherlokiwitch]

Office AU - Part 1

Summary: AU narrative that takes place in an office environment. The main character is a mentally ill female who struggles to make it through each day and deal with her symptoms. Part 1 details her experiences with the illness, and how she comes to meet Loki on her lunch break.

Word Count: 1,738

Warnings: Mental illness, depression, anxiety, anger, etc. Potentially triggering.

A/N: This first part is a lot of exposition about the main character’s mental state. I promise it pays off in the end, and in subsequent parts.

Other parts of this story (as well as other stuff I’ve written) can be found here.

Taglist:  @1800-fight-me​ @asheslokisgirl143​ @sarahivi​ @namelesslosers​ @markusstraya​ @ablogoffanfics​ @onebloodypoet​

Getting through work the day after an episode was never an easy task.

Sometimes, she would call in sick or work from home if she simply could not face the day. But today, she had some things she needed to get done that would require her to go to the office. She did not relish the thought of dealing with that environment when she was in such a state. Too many people. Too much noise. Nowhere to hide.

As she parked her car in the office building’s lot, she could feel the urge to cry. No, she thought, I can’t cry now. Not now. I have to go to work. She felt completely drained of all energy and wondered how she was going to get through the whole day like this. I’ll need a cup of coffee, she thought. Maybe two.

It was a pretty standard winter morning. Snow was on the ground, fallen two nights before. The sun was out now, and the air was cold and brisk. She watched the breath flow from her mouth as she stepped out of her car and locked the door. There was a strong wind against her as she walked up to the building. She pulled her scarf up around her mouth and nose and felt tears forming in her eyes. Thank goodness it’s just from the wind.

She always stopped in at the office cafeteria first thing to get a cup of coffee. This morning, there seemed to be more people than usual in there. She tensed up as she walked by the others in line at the coffee station. She had to wait for two other ladies to finish pouring their coffee before she could get hers, and these two ladies were taking their sweet time, chit-chatting and moving slowly. She felt her hands clench into fists. What was it with people always wanting to chit-chat?

Finally, she was able to start pouring her coffee. Large hazelnut, with extra cream, no sugar. She took her coffee the same way her father did, which never failed to amuse her. It wasn’t the only way she was like her father.

The elevator was mercifully empty. There was not much she disliked more than having to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with others in a crowded elevator. Not today, thank goodness. She took a deep breath as the elevator rose floor by floor. She sipped her coffee and took in its warmth and bitter flavor which she loved so much, and savored being completely alone, even if it was very brief.

The elevator opened, and she reluctantly walked out and swiped her badge at her office door. She entered a large area full of cubicles, already bustling and humming with life.

“Good morning,” said a voice. She felt her body tense up as her brain frantically tried to determine who was speaking to her. Oh God, she thought, please don’t talk to me. Not now. Not today. She spotted the chubby man with sandy brown hair and glasses smiling at her.

“Good morning, Matt,” she said flatly. Thankfully, that was the end of the exchange. Matt went about his business and she made her way to her desk.

It was 11:00 by the time she finished her coffee, and she hadn’t done much work. It was almost impossible to keep her mind on what she needed to do. Her thoughts kept wandering, back to the day before and the meltdown. She couldn’t exactly remember what had caused it in the first place. All she remembered was the pain and fear, the screaming and crying and pounding on the walls and the police officer showing up at her door and the paramedics arriving soon after. They wanted to take her to the hospital, but she convinced them not to. After all, she had been in that situation so many times before and always got through it.

As she sat at her desk, the sounds came at her one by one. The click-click-click of fingers on keyboards. The girl with the annoying laugh. The guy who wouldn’t stop coughing. Various beeps and tweets from random cell phones. Brian in the next cubicle munching loudly on chips. Murmurs of individual voices rolled up into a larger, more looming hum. It all became too much for her. She could feel her heart start to pound inside her chest.

She got up from her desk and walked out of the room into the hallway. Out here, even more sounds flew at her. People talking on their phones. Laughing. So many voices. They were surrounding her, threatening to drill inside her head and eat away at her brain from the inside. She felt her throat start to tighten, her breathing speed up. She was suffocating in this sea of noise, and she had to get out.

She knew she couldn’t hide in the bathroom, because that place was always too crowded. Instead, she headed for the stairwell. At least there, she could hide from most of the people. She made her way down two flights, then when she felt she was far enough away from humanity, she sat down on the cold, gray stairs and leaned her head against the concrete wall.

That’s when the tears started. Her head filled with images of the day before. All the pain, all the grief, all the frustration came flooding back and overflowed through her eyes.

She couldn’t hold it back. The tears turned into heaving, shaking sobs. She pounded her fist against the wall, hoping that the physical pain in her hand might distract her from the searing agony inside her head.

“Ma’am? Are you okay?”

It felt like two hands were grabbing onto her throat and pulling hard. She tried to fight, but struggling against them only made them grab and pull harder. She gasped for breath as her head began to throb and her ears began to ring.

��Hello?”

She realized the voice was talking to her. She looked up, bleary-eyed, to find a stocky man in a security guard uniform standing over her.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she said in a raspy tone, “I’m fine.”

“Okay, just making sure,” said the security guard, and made his way further upstairs.

She inhaled deeply, her lungs filling completely. She held her breath for a couple of seconds, then exhaled. She looked around at the brightly-lit, pale walls. She clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms, trying to make herself feel something, anything. Instead she just felt numb. Her face was wet with tears, and the congestion in her nose made her head ache. She wondered how long it would be before she could make herself get up and go back to work.

The numbness was a welcome respite from the hypersensitivity of yesterday’s episode. When the anxiety and panic hits, it’s like every nerve in her body is turned on High and receptive to every tiny nuance in sound, light, and smell. The muffled music coming from her neighbor’s apartment was like ten thousand blaring trumpets. That’s what had started the whole episode -- the music. She was just not in the mood to hear someone else’s music, she never is, so the mere presence of it made her explode with rage and fear. It felt as though her personal space was being violated, even though there wasn’t anyone else in her apartment.

She cried, she screamed, she pounded the walls, trying to get the noise to stop. Eventually, someone in the building called the police and so she had to explain herself through heaving sobs that the music was what was making her so upset. The police called for an ambulance, and the paramedic took her vitals and asked if she wanted to go to the emergency room. Luckily she was able to convince him that she didn’t need to go.

She had been to the hospital for episodes before, and it was always the same thing. They would give her a sedative of some sort and keep her for observation. Sometimes they would admit her to the psych ward for a week where she’d have her meds adjusted. That happened five times. It had gotten to the point that it was very easy to tell when she actually needed to go to the hospital. A standard panic or anxiety attack was not a good enough reason.

Somehow, she was able to get up from the stairs and go back to work and make it through until lunch time. Of course, she had to stop in the bathroom first before she returned to her desk to make sure the little bit of makeup she put on that morning hadn’t smeared into a hideous mess.

At lunch time, she made her way downstairs to the cafeteria, where she assembled her usual salad. She paid for it at the register and headed to the tables to sit down and eat. She always ate alone. The cafeteria was fairly crowded. She was able to find a place at a two-seat table in the corner. She sat down, put her purse on the table next to her, and started to eat.

A few minutes went by uneventfully, with her mindlessly munching away at the lettuce and cucumber with Ceasar dressing. People chatted around her, but she did not listen. She was in her own head, still trying to process the day before. So when a man approached her table, she took no notice. It wasn’t until he spoke to her that she came out of her haze.

“Excuse me,” said the man, “But there’s nowhere else to sit. Do you mind if I share your table?”

She looked up at him. He was exceedingly tall, with long, black hair. He was wearing a black suit, with a matching black tie. He looked a bit like what she thought the devil himself might look like if he walked the earth. But there was something about his piercing blue eyes and calm tone of voice that somehow made her feel strangely comfortable with his presence.

She didn’t really want to share her table, but it appeared she had no other choice, and there was something so intriguing about this man, so she agreed to let him sit.

“Thank you,” he said as he set his tray on the table and sat down. “My name is Loki. Loki Laufeyson. I work on the eleventh floor.”

[thetravellingvagrant]

Day 3: Lima - In Which I Visit Pisscat Park

After my first proper, uninterrupted sleep in...god knows how many days at this point, you'd think that I might have woken up to my first full day in Lima – and indeed Peru as a whole – with a spring in my step and a song in my heart (a welcome change from the limp and funeral dirge pounding away in my guts that I normally have to endure), however this was unfortunately not the case. Be it from jetlag, overexertion or just my chronic and inexplicable inability to ever feel good, I felt thoroughly and irredeemably mangled.

I peeled myself from the bed and oozed my way to the bathroom. The toilet sported a sign above it which warned me against putting sanitary towels or toilet paper into it. Laughing, I pointed this out to Sam, believing it to be a translation error. I mean where else was I supposed to put my toilet paper, right?

“In the bin.” Came her response.

I laughed again.

“I'm not joking. You're supposed to put toilet paper in the bin, here.”

I stopped laughing and instead slinked, silently deciding then and there to pretty much just ignore that rule when such a time came that it might be pertinent. It's not my sewage system, after all; why should I care if it breaks? 1-0, Lawrence.

The Airbnb in which we were staying was decked out with almost none of the amenities you'd realistically want for preparing food, so, after our breakfast of children's cereal, eaten out of a mug, without a spoon, we were fairly keen to see the back of it and head out into the city for a bit of exploring.

I had pieced together a fairly relaxed agenda for the day, which led us round some of the nicer, less stabby areas of Lima. We walked first along the seafront boulevard, which afforded us both our first ever glimpse of the Pacific Ocean with our own two (four?) eyes

Wow, cool...

oohing and ahhing at the various sights, sounds and smells that the boulevard had to offer

Ooh...

Ahh...

while dodging and weaving through a haze of remarkably persistent tat-peddlers, all trying desperately to part us from our money in exchange for pieces of gaudy turquoise jewellery or stale muffins, sold from broken, leaking plastic containers; dismissing each one with a curt “no, gracias” and the quiet hope that they wouldn't mug us.

Shockingly, our cup full of chocolate cereal didn't do much to satify our hunger for very long, and so we ducked into a seafront creperie for some food, which I am loathe to describe as brunch and which, to be honest, wasn't particularly good, either. I ordered the ceasar salad crepe, which, honestly probably only met its own description by the barest minimum of standards. The sauce was watery and insipid, the chicken overcooked and the crepe itself tasted very strongly of banana. It felt a little like eating everything left in the fridge at the same time, the day before a big food shop. Still finished the whole thing though. I'm not a proud man.

Our walk then continued through an outdoor shopping mall, which was carved, picturesquely into the seafront, which, comparative to other malls in which I've been, was very nice, but was still...pretty much just a shopping centre and offered essentially the same views as the rest of the boulevard did, but with added gaudy designer clothing outlets, so, honestly, it probably wasn't really worth visiting, at all. We did meet Paddington there, however

Paddington, back in his native land after unfortunately being deported due to bear-brexit.

so that was nice.

Continuing our tour of things-that-weren't-as-good-as-we-expected, we walked some fair distance to our next stop: Barranco, which we were told was an artsy little community, full of galleries and artisanal shops and all that hipster bollocks

pictured: wank

however, the parts we saw, at least, seemed to be little more than a motorway (which, of course, we walked down the side of- keeping the vagrant tradition alive) with a couple of museums of contemporary art and the like dotted alongside it, which, both Sam and I unanimously agreed we could not be fucked visiting. We did see the odd, quite impressive mural, painted on the sides of various buildings, though, which were fairly lovely, if still not quite worth the incredibly long walk to see

I mean, if you’re into space-birds or whatever...

Aside from these murals, however, Barranco didn't strike us as particularly different from any of the other areas which we had visited, thus far and so, not wishing to pour any more of our day into that particular time-sink, we headed back to Miraflores and to our next stop, Kennedy Park.

From what we had read about the fairly modestly sized park in the pre-amble to this trip, it was the home of nearly the entirety of Miraflores' stray cat population. This was obviously a tremendously exciting prospect for me as, as fans of this blog will know, nothing makes me feel closer to what I imagine happiness feels like, than befriending a stray cat, and them all being in the same park at the same time was essentially like having a captive audience.

I can't really fault the park, to be honest; it was, as described, full to bursting with strays, all asleep on the grass and raking through bins, like the worlds least well organised cat cafe. Quickly though, it became quite apparent that a lot of them were really not very friendly

10/10 would not touch

and the ones that were, were generally, to describe them in the nicest possible way, unforgivably manky and all fucked up to buggery

Eugh, no.

and all of them, without exception absolutely reeked of piss. I plucked up enough courage, at one point, to give one a stroke along the back of its neck and, genuinely, my hand still faintly smells of its urine, nearly a week later. At least I hope that's what it is...

After sitting for a while, eating a nice bit of cake with my non-dominant, non-pissy hand, we bade farewell to the cats of Kennedy park, receiving a sea of several hundred, furry middle fingers in response, and moved on to our penultimate stop of the day; some pre-incan ruins which were, unusually nestled right in the heart of the city, whose name I can't remember and honestly, wouldn't be able to spell, even if I did.

We walked for so, so very long to get there (to be clear though, geographically they were really very close to Kennedy Park, but every junction and crossing in Lima takes about five solid minutes to cross, thanks to the incredibly heavy and wildly unregulated traffic that, to be totally honest lost its novelty after the second road we had to cross. If I never hear another car horn, ever again  in my life, it will be too soon) and eventually, found ourselves  standing outside the ruins, peering in through the fence, as is the vagrant way.

...Close enough!

We traced our way back to the actual entrance and were greeted by a stern, chubby looking man who told us that you needed to have a guide to enter the ruins and that the last English speaking tour of the day was set to depart in the next few minutes. We quickly debated whether or not to go for it, but to be honest, we were still very tired from the previous day's travels and, given that we had clocked up, at that point, 25,000 steps on my pedometer, both unanimously decided that we couldn't be fucked, though this time at least, we did vow to return later in the trip, because it did actually look pretty neat.

We hobbled back to our apartment, where we rested only briefly, before heading out into the city once more to a restaurant which Sam had picked out for us. A plan, with which I saw no obvious flaws with at its inception.

Now basically dragging our broken little legs behind us, using our hands as sort of rudimentary claws for another twenty minutes, we arrived exhausted and sore at the restaurant. It was only then, that I remembered that Sam is a salty, Geordie fish lady and had therefore chosen a place that almost exclusively served seafood, which, to be totally honest, I was not really in the mood for. Being the hero and very good and supportive boyfriend that I am though and having neither the energy to walk somewhere else nor complain, I silently relented and begrudgingly took my seat.

The place was really very heavily sea-themed, as you might expect of a seafood restaurant, but was only about 8% as classy in reality as it thought it was. I'm not sure how they expected waiters wearing Hawaiian shirts, or seats made from a sawn-in-half rowboat to scream elegance, but it was pitifully apparent that they did. We were served a free taster of ceviche (the national dish of Peru; raw(ish) fish, cooked by some chemical reaction it has to lime juice or something) which was basically fine and an equally free, very alcoholic sour little cocktail thing, which I obviously didn't drink, meaning that Sam had to have mine as well as hers in order to save me (but mostly her) from embarrassment.

I perused (pun intended) the menu and decided that, given that I was in South America, should be a little more daring than I usually would. I didn't really fancy a full plate of Ceviche, however, and so instead, opted for fried calamari with spaghetti and squid-ink sauce after making one hundred per cent certain with the waiter that I would be served rings of calamari and not, as I have seen so often, entire baby squid, which I refuse to eat, because I am a gastric coward.

Obviously, fucking obviously the plate that was plopped down in front of me was positively riddled with fully formed, tiny little baby squid, staring up at me with their sad, black eyes. Perfect. I ate around them, picking out the ones I could see and heaping them onto Sam's plate -  who was not so concerned about fully ingesting entire offspring – though even that was made more difficult than it should have been due to spaghetti, blackened by the squid ink, looking remarkably similar to baby squid tentacles. In the end, I probably had about five mouthfuls of spaghetti and a big sulk. After eating only a crepe and a cup of cereal throughout the day, this was not even close to enough to keep me going, (which is weird because normally a good sulk can sustain me for days). Thus, out of equal parts hunger and spite, I ordered myself a pudding. I'm not sure what it was called, but it was a creamy, cinnamony, biscuity, dulce de leche-y tart thing and it was so good that it single-handedly saved the entire holiday, which, after that meal, I was pretty prepared to just throw in the bin, to be totally honest.

After our meal, the fatigue set in once more (or more accurately just...worsened) and so we paid our far-more-expensive-than-I'd-have-liked-to-have-paid-for-food-I-didn't-really-enjoy bill, hobbled the requisite twenty minutes back home and passed out almost immediately. To be honest, I may even have passed out on the way for all I know. I genuinely remember that little of it.

[talesfromtheshatterhome]

Monster island. Shatterdome.

 Sirens were blaring. A pack of Godzilla type monsters had come to the island. The other monsters had left with some of the ultras. Presumably to regroup to face This new threat of Diablo. The whereabouts of Belial, and the status of the invading space ship Zanon were still unknown. Repairs were complete on Gipsy Danger and Cherno Alpha, MOGUERA was almost complete and prepared to move out.

“Herc you’re gonna want to look at this.” Choi said, walking into Marshal Hercules Hanson’s quarters.

“Whats going on out there?”

“Our Serizawa has been searching the satellite feeds for Godzilla. Our island sensors picked up a large group of Godzilla including Space Godzilla returning to the island. Godzilla himself however left and Serizawa has just found him somewhere near Ireland. He is in an area with some strange readings, and we cant really see whats going on but from what we can make out he is engaged in combat currently.  It looks like some of the other monsters are on their way there as well. Whatever this Diablo thing is, I think we need to tackle it with the monsters while we can. Also unrelated, we need to code name the new Godzillas. Junior is still here. Space Godzilla is apparently here. Kiryu is gone. That hard-ass looking fella was Kiryu according to on site reports from the chrysalis location. So I guess space G over there hatched. Then there is the old man, no idea what that Goji’s story is, and then there is that one Chunky lookin fella Junior trashed a few months ago. So I had some recommendations for you.” Tendo Choi said.

“Walk while we talk.” Herc said. Standing from his desk and wandering down the hall. Towards the comms center.

“So the chubby guy I think we should name Legendary Godzilla. He wrecked up a whole bunch of monsters when Belial faced Diablo. Space Godzilla and Junior we already know. The other one looks like he is an older Godzilla and I think the code name ‘Ancient Godzilla’ would work. And Finally this one that Kiryu was built on. He seems to be the head of the pack now so I felt Alpha would be appropriate.”

“Sure Tendo. What ever works. What else is happening?”

“Well the other Serizawa showed up from the science patrol. Something about a break through with a genetic formula. He has been working on the Burning Godzilla issue, you know how Godzilla can absorb too much radiation and has the potential to melt down and destroy the planet and all that?”

“Right. I uh… didn’t know that… At all. Was that a thing that could have happened?”

“Yeah. It almost did while he was fighting us and all that craziness last year.”

“Holy crap I shot missiles at him…”

“Yeah good thing Mothra was there. Any way. So Serizawa has been trying to find a way to stabilize that. He said he figured out some kind of catalyst. I cant really make heads or tails of whats going on. Also Aparently all of the monsters from the island got swamped by Kaiju, were saved by some Ultras and now they all split with the ultras and Battra trying to find some kind of Guardian Monsters to fight Diablo.”

“WHAT?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME ALL OF THE MONSTERS FROM THE ISLAND LEFT?! BUT WAIT BACK IT UP… THE ISLAND WAS ATTACKED BY KAIJU DURING THE BLACKOUT AND WE HAD UNAUTHORIZED ULTRAS JUST SHOW UP AND LEAD EVERYONE OFF ON SOME KIND OF SEARCH FOR SASQUATCH?!”

“Well yeah. Sorry. Serizawa seemed really excited and now we have four more Godzillas then we used to. I guess I got distracted…”

“YOU GOT DISTRACTED?! WE WERE LITERALLY ATTACKED BY THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THREAT WE ARE HERE FOR!! THE ENTIRE PPDF WAS MADE TO FACE THESE THINGS AND THEY WERE ALL HERE AND THAT WASN’T A PRIORITY FOR YOU?!”

As they walked Serizawa came up frantically to them. “Sirs hello yes. I finished the compound!”

“The what now?” Herc turned

“Evening Marshall. So as I reported earlier. I have devised a Synchronous Uracil Parthenogenisis Epigenetic Radiation serum that we can inject into Godzilla to stabilize his Burning and melt down forms. All it would take is a sudden spike in radiation, and my syrum to prevent Godzilla from going into a full blown melt down!”

“Fantastic. When we need it next I’ll give you a call. Right now I need to deal with the missing monsters.”

“Oh they’re all trying to find the Guardian Monsters to face Diablo. He is the devil. After all.”

“And how do you know this when I am just finding out now?” Herc demanded.

“Well the Twins told us. You know? Mothra’s Faeries? They told Shinjiro who called us to keep us updated.”

“Who the hell is Shinjiro and Faeries? Mothra has Faeries?”

“Well Shinjiro is Hiyata’s son. And Mothra’s faeries have always been around. You never noticed them? They speak for mothra, talk about and to the monsters? Have you really never noticed?”

“Okay no. there have definitely not been two little faeries just running around and me not noticing. And is Shinjiro …. You know… like his dad?”

“Yes and yes there most definitely have been two faeries running around telling us all about whats going on with Mothra and the Monsters.”

“No way. How do you expect me to believe that? Hiyata having a son sure, but Faeries? A little far fetched don’t you think?”

“We are right here Marshall.”

Herc looked down. On a small tiny cat sized Mothra sat two little tiny women.

“You’ve got to be shitting me.”

“Marshall, what language!” The faeries exclaimed. “But we have always been here. We speak for Mothra. She has gone with Anguiras and Rodan to help Godzilla in his Fight against Grand King Ghidorah. She doesn’t think Godzilla can win on her own. Battra has gone out with one of the Ultra’s and some of your monsters to find and awaken King Ceasar. Kong was going with the rest of the monsters to face the spirit of the great dragon. Mothra was to go with them to unlock the way.. but She sensed the Return of Grand King Ghidorah. So that was a larger priority. Without Godzilla we can not protect this world from such grave threats. More foes will come. Godzilla is King. And the King must protect the kingdom. Kong will be calling to Junior to aid him now in his place. We have come to ask you to send your metal monsters to Godzilla’s aid. We know it will take time, but we hope that they may yet arrive before it is too late.”

“That is why I have sent Arashi ahead to inject Godzilla with the S.U.P.E.R formula and hit him with a small nuke to catalyze the serum. I advise we mobilize the fleet to meet up with the aircraft carrier in the Atlantic, the U.S.S Enterprise I believe it was. It is large enough to hold two of the Mecha so they can recharge on the journey to Ireland to face Diablo.”

“You authorized a nuclear strike?! DO YOU KNOW THE SHEER AMMOUNT OF POLITICAL MADNESS THAT’S GOING TO CAUSE?!” Herc paused to collect himself. “And don’t tell me how to run my men…”

“So what do you want us to do sir? In light of all this new information.” Tendo asked.

“Send everything we have to meet up with the Enterprise. Have Mecha Godzilla and MOGUERA to land on it last and recharge before attacking once that nuke clears up.”

“The nuke will have no fall out. It isn’t technically a bomb, just a liquid form of molten uranium that will be applied to Godzilla in the same device that will be injecting him as the S.U.P.E.R serum. It is just all in a bomb delivery system attached to one of the Science Patrol VTOLLs that has been equipped with the strongest shield possible.”

“So much better… Order the attack. Target This fancy Ghidorah, and then if Diablo shows up we attack him next.”

[i-am-very-very-tired]

Do you remember those Cathy comic strips your mom used to have tacked to her cubicle wall or office board? The one’s her and her co-workers would share and cackle and point at while nodding their heads in agreement and uttering ‘Yup, so true’? You’d look at those comics as a little girl with a blank stare, confused as to why so many of your mom’s female co-workers related to this neurotic, cat owning, chubby white lady who spent the majority of the comic complaining about dieting,exercising, yogurt, work and dating. Now I ask you, do you remember the day you realized you BECAME Cathy? For me it was when I was around 30, I was on the phone in the grocery store with my friend discussing this new wellness challenge I saw on IG, where you cut out all refined sugars for 30 days, and there was some hashtag involved. I looked in my basket and saw one bottle of white wine, a container of sugar free Greek yogurt, and cat food. Somehow, I had morphed into the Millennial (am I a Millennial? I was born in 85’ idk) Colored Cathy. This wasn’t a moment of panic, but definitely a random moment of self realization. This was 30, and I was doing the things black women in their 30s do. Maybe its an American thing, but a large part of adulthood in our culture heralds “self-improvement.” We must always be striving to be fitter, richer, healthier, better educated, more skilled, glow-upier versions of ourselves. This is especially true for women and hell, I was, I am no different. To be content with who you are in the present is seen as resigning oneself to mediocrity. It’s lethargic, and un-ambitious. Cardinal sins in our current “Rise and Grind”–everyone’s a personal brand-social media reach quantifying ass world. Fast forward several months where I’m 31, and miraculously still had not managed to 30 Day Challenge myself into a better me. I had hit a wall. Well, a couple of walls and I hadn’t the faintest idea why. I couldn’t concentrate on this “great” new job I just got, I was more reclusive than usual and couldn’t even find enjoyment in the little pleasures I’d typically turn to during my more gloomy spells. Sure I’ve always struggled with self-discipline but that’s always a part of myself that I attributed to being ‘artsy’ kind of. However, the list of goals I wished to accomplish but never followed through on grew exponentially. My personal life was about as uneventful as a Chris Christie’s political future, my friendships were suffering, I was more irritable than usual and I was even becoming withdrawn with my son at home. It wasn’t until I had a late night discussion with a close friend where he tearfully revealed he’d seen a therapist and had been diagnosed with depression, that I entertained perhaps seeking professional help for my mental well being. Of course I didn’t think that I was as sick as my friend, when he asked if his diagnosis surprised me I responded in typical “Of course I knew, nigga I’m glad you caught up” Danielle fashion. “Oh yeah, of course not, I had always said you would benefit from therapy, with what you’ve been through? Of course a diagnosis of depression makes sense. I’m proud of you for finally taking care of yourself”. After hanging up the phone, my own words I used to reassure my panicked best friend echoed in my head. “With what you’ve been through..of course it makes sense. I’m proud of you for finally taking care of yourself.” My friend, like a lot of Black men who grew up in Chicago ,has experienced a lot of trauma, especially in his childhood, but damn so did I. I soon realized that I was guilty of the same mental health neglect I audaciously and frequently lectured him about when we’d discuss his failed relationships and stalled professional life. I had a lot of Black ass nerve, here I had pretty much spent the latter half of my life having gone through the mental trauma equivalent of several car accidents and not once thought to cart my ass to a physician to see if there was any internal bruising. So soon thereafter, I started researching therapists in my local area and booked my appointment. My therapist is a Black woman in her early 60s. She looks young for her age, she has a short ceasar hair cut, and wears Uggs. She’s short and busty, and her face always looks as if she’s empathizing with you. Her office is very small and quiet. She has one of those faux waterfall things meant to provide calming serenity. It’s kind of annoying and looks really cheesy but I try to ignore it. Our first session, she told me that I was at the age where most women seek therapy. “You’re…31. Yeah this is where most women hit a wall, your jar is full and you can’t keep putting your head down and pushing forward, now you’re having problems functioning and have to compensate for years of self-neglect, this is normal, it’s what women in their 30’s do.” During our one hour session she asked me the questions I suppose all therapists ask, about my current life, my childhood, my love life, my past, and what I want for my future. I was pretty candid, and had no problems going into full detail about everything. I casually rattled off the instances of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I’d experienced from childhood into adulthood that I was sure was norm for women my age. My divorce, my son, the death of my father, my close, but dramatic and at times confrontational relationship with my mother, my job hopping (four in one year I think), my chronic insomnia, etc. And even when I casually looked up to her slightly raised brows while she scribbled notes on her notepad, I wasn’t sure how serious I was taking it, but it was cathartic to talk to someone unfamiliar with my story. It wasn’t until the end when she said she needed to tell me something that she usually waits some time to disclose to her patients that I knew what was at stake. “Danielle…you’re sick. I don’t think you realize how sick you are because this is the only way you’ve known how to function for the majority of your life..but honey…now you need meds and you need help, I hope you’ll let me help you.” This was actually unexpected, I was so sure she would have praised me for my perseverance, my resilience in having withstood what I had gone through while somehow still managing to become an arguably productive and functioning adult. It hadn’t dawned on me that maybe all this time, I really wasn’t “functioning” at as high a level I thought I was, that my “normal” was abnormal that my “fine” wasn’t fine. Maybe I had been giving myself entirely too much credit? I left her office that day with a couple of diagnosis: Clinical depression, anxiety, PTSD, and some other acronym that I always forget. Ultimately she told me that before we could even hope to engage in successful therapy sessions, I needed to discuss anti-depressant meds with my doctor. “You mean I’m so fucked up I need medication to be eligible for therapy?” I laughed. The laughter was not returned. Shit got real. I promised to contact my PCP right away to discuss my options and gingerly paid for my session. When I got home, I laid on my couch and catatonically stared at the ceiling till sunrise. I don’t even remember blinking. For the first time in my life, I was the one with the diagnosis. This wasn’t about my friend’s depression, my ex-husbands sickle cell, my mom’s heart condition, or my son’s autism. It was me. For the first time I was the patient that I needed to take care of. I was used to being the calm, analytical, reassuring caretaker, who helped my loved ones research therapies, and medication options. But now, I was the one who was sick, and for the first time in a long time; I didn’t have the answers, and I was scared. Currently I’m still scared but I’m discussing med options with my physician. I’ve since had a few more sessions with my therapist and I’m getting more and more comfortable with the idea of both needing and accepting help, and my needing therapy and help not being an admission of my own inadequacy. I like my therapist a lot, and my friends and family are supportive. I accidentally sent her a dirty text message meant for some dude once but she laughed it off-she cool as hell. I still do my little challenges, in fact I signed up for some 28 Day fitness jumpstart just the other day. Like a lot of black women in their 30s I’m also starting to find myself entertained by things like numerology and astrology. Especially ironic coming from me of all people a consummate cynic, but I get the appeal. People like being told who they are, it’s less legwork. To think there’s a universe out there as invested in my self actualization as I am is an attractive ideal. I’m scheduling myself a tarot card reading as we speak. I’m even looking into life coaches, because shit, why the hell not? There’s a Sartre quote where he says: “As far as men go, it’s not who they are that interests me – but what they can become.” It speaks to the notion that the “self” is constant and ever changing and it’s something I think about when I fall into this possibly futile albeit earnest cycle of self improvement. Humans are tasked with the burdensome freedom of deciding who we are, and then embarking on the journey in becoming that actualized person. When I told my mom I had decided to start going to therapy, she cheered. She said it was long overdue, and exclaimed relief that I finally decided it was time. She had been in therapy over the past three years and found it helpful. My mom, like a lot of black women her age unfortunately, has experienced a lot of trauma, but she’s seeking help and scaling her own walls — and damn so am I. Maybe that’s enough. 30 day challenges, black women, cathy, comic strips, turning 30 Danielle Butler