#CALM THE FUCK DOWN garfield jesus christ

[bogleech]

I thought this line was so fucking funny in 1987 I horrified multiple adults by adding it to my lexicon and over three decades later it’s actually funnier than I could ever imagine

[jadeylovesmarvelxo]

I was wondering if you could do a really sweet "reunion" between Eddie and his gf in the cafeteria. Like, maybe she had to go to the dentist in the morning so they haven't seen each other all day, and Eddie is all grumpy and snappy with the Hellfire guys and Dustin is like "what's the matter with him? Wake up in the wrong side?" and Jeff replies "woke up with no Y/N is more like it" and then she comes into the cafeteria and they behave like they haven't seen each other for months 😊

Request by @somethingvicked

Warnings: Grumpy Eddie, Fluff.

❤️

Eddie was in one hell of a bad mood. You had to leave early this morning for the dentist, which meant he woke up without you.

Not only had he woken up without you this morning, there was no sleepy morning kisses and cuddles.

You weren't cuddled up on his chest when he woke up, the two of you exchanging sleepy, kisses and whispers of love. Your morning ritual.

He hated going without his morning kisses from you. It was the best start to the day, his highlight of the day.

Everyone around Hawkins thought he was mean and scary as shit but you knew the soft side to him, with you he was as soft as a marshmallow.

Wayne takes one look at his pissed off face and hides his smile behind his coffee mug as Eddie heads into the kitchen for breakfast.

"In a mood this morning son?" Wayne asks amused.

Eddie grumbles and pours some coffee into his Garfield mug.

"What gave it away? " he replies sarcastically and Wayne chuckles.

"Saw your girl leave early this morning for her appointment, I figure that's why you're like a storm cloud just now?" Eddie nods and finishes his coffee wincing at the taste.

This is why he prefers a YooHoo but this morning was already shit so extra strong, black coffee it was.

His mood didn't improve in school, it got worse, Carver said some dumb shit to him, Eddie usually ignored the asshole but today he wound him up, just to cheer himself up.

As usual the douchebag went running to the safety of his friends. He knew Jason was secretly terrified of him, he backed down fast.

Being a freak had has its advantages.

By noon, he was grumpy as fuck, the constant chatter between the boys was getting on his last nerve.

"Jesus h christ. Would you shut the fuck up" he huffs at them as they chat.

Gareth snorts. "What's up with you man?"

"Nothing" he snaps and continues to eat his pretzels, he's impatient to see you. Being around you helps the chaos of his mind, calms down his restless energy.

He loves being with you-loves you so much.

Dustin turns to him, eyes wide and he chuckles nervously.

"What is up with you dude? Wake up on the wrong side of bed this morning or something?" Jeff snorts at this and Eddie glares at him.

"Woke up with no yn more like" Jeff supplies and Eddie huffs, a pout on his face and his annoyance growing. It's true but its not helping his mood.

"Dude, you're so whipped" Mike makes a face and Eddie is barely listening as you come into the cafeteria, his heart skips a beat and he grins.

"Princess" he gets up and rushes to you, he's like an overexcited puppy as he is all over you. Peppering kisses to your hair and his pout is replaced with a huge beaming grin.

"I missed you so so much sweetheart. I don't like waking up without you beside me" he murmurs and you cuddle into him.

"I missed you too Ed's. Ugh, I hate the dentist" you say this with a pout on your face, the pout that pretty much has Eddie wrapped around your little finger.

If you give him that sad eyed look too, he's a goner.

"At least it's over with now sweetheart, Are you sore?" he asks worried as you wince, touching your mouth.

"A little, at least my very sexy boyfriend can help me feel better" he hears Gareth and Mike teasing him about this, turns and gives them a fierce glare, that stops them in their tracks.

"Anything for you princess" he kisses your forehead and leads you to the Hellfire table, he's much much happier now his girl is by his side.

He'll happily dote on you all night when you go home.

💞💞

[umbraastaff]

I’ve just been thinking--it’s about time I make a proper index for my TAZ fics, huh? Also contains: mini-series, ficlets, goof posts, and lyric comics.

(All of the fics are rated G, or T at most for McElroy-appropriate language.)

FICS

I Saw Seven Bounties | Canon Compliant, Enemies to Friends, Complete | Mostly lighthearted, episodic recounting of Kravitz and Barry’s rivalry throughout those first twelve years on Faerun. 24K. -->Extras: Lich Eyes, Fantasy Starbucks, Alt POV for Chapter 1 & Chapter 5, Sorry

They Say Fire Took Phandalin | Small-town supernatural/sorta-haunted-house AU |  Fresh out of grad school, Barry Bluejeans takes a job and a house in the rural nowhere-town of Phandalin. And it’s not like he thought fitting in would be a walk in the park, but the people there all act really weird, and it’s almost like they’re expecting something of him, too. 11K/~20K.

What Can’t Be Done Alone (Detective Squad) | Canon Divergent, Found Family, Fluff | AU where the voidfish works a little better, and Angus never finds the Bureau. Instead, he finds a strange lich in a cave, and he most certainly continues to work this case and not gradually get adopted instead. 18K/~22K. -->Extras: Drangus AU Oneshot

If I Wanted to be Funny I’d Name This Fic “The Time Belt” | Futuristic sci-fi AU feat. time travel | Taako meets the only people in years who recognize the Institute’s name. Known time criminal Barry Bluejeans continues to evade law enforcement. 2K/??.

Overgrowth / Undercurrent | Roleswap AU, Johnchurch, Pining, Twoshot, Happy ending optional | Overgrowth is a oneshot that follows John, the Starblaster’s chief diplomat, through a series of parleys with Merle, the center of the plane-consuming mass of plants that’s been chasing his crew. Undercurrent is a sequel about their post-canon reunion. 4K + 6K. --> Extras: PLAYLIST by @merle-casts-zone-of-truth

Davenport Remembers | Post-canon, Oneshot | Davenport meets with his crew members to try to reconcile his anger with Lucretia, or to decide whether he should. 1.5K.

MINI-SERIES

AU Where Taako is a Lich - Pretty much what it says on the tin here, folks!

Baritz (ask series) - A fusion of Barry and Kravitz, who took over my blog and answered asks for a while. (He originated in the Gallows/S&S lyric comic.)

Good Adventures (Good Omens crossover) - The Antichrist’s wishes summon the wrong boatful of aliens. Thankfully, it seems they’re apocalypse experts. [with plot-ideas help from @avijohann​.]

Omen Zone (Good Omens crossover 2) - Barry is a demon. Kravitz is an angel. Kravitz probably won’t ever admit that they’re friends.

Pokémon: Century Version (Pokémon crossover) - Stolen Century AU where they’re all pokémon trainers. Faerun spin-off: Double Trouble

Till Death, Don’t Let’s Start - Barry fucks up. Kravitz is present.

Very Normal Blog Posts (ask series) - In which Garfield is not at all dangerous, and I am perfectly fine. <alt: chronological link - desktop only>

COMICS & ART

Gallows/Steady and Stronger (Double lyric comic) - Canon-divergent AU where, as the world is ending, Barry gives up to Kravitz. [Image description version]

[Lyric Comics] - Other, shorter lyric comics based on single verses of songs.

Dear Scientist’s Log (series) - Illustrated ship logs from Barry J. Bluejeans.

Movie Madness (Comic) - Barry obsesses over the unforgivable.

Palette Prompts (Arts) - Art from art meme prompts.

Pregananant (goof comic) - You know the one.

REAPER (Comic) - Baritz fuses with Lup.

These Jeans? (Animatic) - Barry advertises jeans.

They’re Both Tessa Thompson (Comic) - Lucretia has a nightmare. Barry reassures her.

War (Goof comic) - prompt: "taakitz with CAT”

What’s bigger than this? - The Red Robe.

FICLETS

Back Soon - Kravitz leaves a note with unfortunate wording.

Bodyswap: Barry & Davenport - During Wonderland.

Casual - AU where the red robe talks like a normal person.

Command - Barry misuses his magic.

Davenport - There’s something unsettling about that butler.

Hangin’ Out - Lup and Magnus.

Harvest - Roleswap AU: Barry is the Hunger.

Healing Necromancy - Merle tries to teach Barry some tricks.

Hope - Barry knows she’s still out there.

How Long? - Taako is frustrated.

In Pieces - The staff.

Liches Forget Too - AU.

Lucretia Forgets - In which there was a mistake with the voidfish ichor.

Lup’s Robe - Gifts from Taako.

Mourning Glories - The flowers in Merle’s beard.

New Years - Celebrations and fears.

Parole - Barry and Kravitz bonding hours.

Phone a Friend - Baritz (the fusion from Gallows/S&S) meets Angus.

Raising the Dead - Barry has to use his crew members’ corpses. [sequel]

Robbie...? - Magnus breaks into the brig immediately after Petals to the Metal.

Second Apocalypse - Based on that one party liveshow. What was the rest of the crew doing, again?

3 Sentence Fics - Pairing + AU prompts.

Smartstone - Lup gets stuck in a Stone of Far Speech, instead.

Stir Crazy - Barry waiting for a new body to grow. Thoughts of Lucretia.

Writing Things Down - In case you forget (again).

You Remember - Taako remembers.

PROMINENT GOOFS

Barry’s Dead - But he’s fine! Calm down!

Character Development - Joke’s on you, DM!

Crystal Kingdom - An absolutely bonkers arc.

Dealer - Merle pun.

Decapitate Me - for making this post

Don’t Care - Taako during the finale. [bonus]

Epilogue - Bracer struggles. [bonus: 1, 2]

Explain the Hunger (Good Omens crossover) - Magnus explains the hunger to Aziraphale and Crowley. They react in varying ways. [with cursed art contributions from @avijohann and @mspainttaz]

Fifteen Dollars - Plus interest. [Bonus]

Fullmetal Kingdom - They’re the same, right?

Gender - And lack of roles.

Gnomes Don’t Exist - They’re all aliens, actually.

Hot Diggity Shit - Been a while.

Icon Confusion - The saga of people thinking my icon is a carrot. [chrono link - desktop only]

Incomprehensible Denim - Jeff Angel’s illegal pants.

In Case it Changes Anything - Taako, Kravitz, and lies.

Irresponsible Teens - Magnus and Lucretia get into trouble.

I Saw Seven Nerds - That’s the post.

Gogurt - Taako’s crimes.

Learning to Drive - i.e. Barry & Davenport Bonding(?) Hours.

Live Shows - The general mood.

Lucretia’s Efforts - A proper meme? On my TAZ blog?

Lup Said No Thanks - That time Magnus was in a tree.

Magnus’ Death - So many close calls.

Nearest Middle-Aged Woman - Clint’s characters’ friends.

Necromancy? - You must be mistaken!

Ned’s Aliases - The Truth.

Pirate Debt - Davenport during that one liveshow.

Punch Squad - SQUAD!

Reaper Cloak - Thoughts.

Relic Names - She probably changed them.

Responsible Necromancy - Good and bad ideas.

Resume - It’s not like they thought it would be relevant.

Schools of Magic - And the Sash was what, again?

Self Care - Respect the dead, please.

Server Shenaniganry (art) - TAAKO THE CAT, NO!

Soulmate AU - Where your soulmate’s greatest enemy is on your wrist. [alt]

Stern’s Truth - You Know.

Taako’s Last Name - Taako’s last name.

Team Composition - The post where everyone wants to argue with me about what qualifies as a wizard.

Third Option - Taako saves the day.

You’re Laughing - End of Suffering Game.

THEORIES/MECHANICS/THOUGHTS

Aloof - Holes Taako refuses to fill.

Barry’s Lucky Possessee - Graphic novel theory hopes & dreams.

Catpiling - Stolen Century thought.

Davenport’s Deaths - Sucks when you always wake up driving.

Death Leaves a Mark - Stolen Century AU concept.

Everyone Else - Some people didn’t get perfect endings.

Fantasy Nonsense - lore about the word “fantasy,” as in “Jesus Fantasy Christ.”

Fragments - Magnus’ memory.

Forgiveness - Old post about the crew’s thoughts on Lucretia’s actions.

Forgot to Erase - Lucretia’s errors.

FULL TIMELINE POST - the Balance timeline.

Gauntlet - (disproven!) Theory about the final relic, from before it was confirmed in the show.

Gnome Nicknames - Thoughts on Cap’nport.

High School AU - Some old headcanons.

Home World Names - The pattern in surnames (or lack thereof) on the IPRE’s homeworld.

Hour - This isn’t a thought so much as an Actual Thing That Magnus Said before the time loops had started, which is absurd.

Idiots in Love - The IPRE’s collective braincell was lost for all of Legato. [2]

Liches, Alone - Being stuck as raw emotion for an awfully long time.

Losing Julia - And subsequent developments.

Love - What was remembered and forgotten.

Love Without Fear - Thoughts on bonds during the Stolen Century.

Memory - Barry actually shouldn’t have remembered anything.

Nickname - Memory of Lup.

Paladin Barry Theory - Converging evidence on Barry’s multiclassing.

Paradox AU - blueprint for 8th, 9th, 10th, etc. Bird AU of your choice(s). (Extra)

Phylactery Mechanics - How liches differ.

Produce Flame - Mechanics of John killing Merle.

Recklessness - THB’s actions recontextualized.

Relic Schools of Magic - They don’t have them!!!

Relicswap AU - Where all the birds get swapped out.

Seven Birds as Gods - Ask-prompt thoughts.

Staring at the Sun - The birds and their light sensitivity.

Story, Song, & Sorcery - Effects on the young population.

Sword Tornado - Magnus Mechanics. [bonus: Time Warlock]

The Good Place AU - A series of crossover thoughts.

Tree Climbing - Davenport shenanigans.

Unique Magic Types - [and combo styles]

What Killed Maureen - hint: it wasn’t Fisher.

[mcarfield]

another mcarfield fic

Ahahaha um

please beg me for prompts lol

Secret relationship is a GREAT trope and i am just gonna say right now i’m not going to do it justice because in this context i think it would be like 30 times more of an angsty mindfuck of a proposition than it usually is, but with that warning, here we go:

At first it’s a secret because neither of them are sure it’s real.

Their onstage relationship has bled so thoroughly into their real-life relationship that when the dam finally breaks and they find themselves making out in Andrew’s dressing room one night before the show starts, gasping and clinging and desperate for one another, there’s a moment where they lock eyes and decide by tacit mutual agreement not to talk about it, and James emerges — 10 minutes and an entire millennium later — completely unsure whether he actually just had Andrew Garfield’s cock in his mouth or whether it was all an elaborate roleplay.

Except the next night it’s Andrew who’s on his knees for James, blissed-out and perfect, and James is habitually late to call time, but now they’re suddenly both arriving earlier and earlier, and soon they don’t even bother with pretense; the moment Andrew’s door locks, James has him pressed up against it, his mouth hot against Andrew’s throat, Andrew murmuring his name in broken, bitten-off moans that turn into whispered pleas for more.

He’s so fucking eager for it, and christ, James just had no idea — he could have never imagined this, he could have never conceived of straight-but-burdened-by-the-task-before-him Andrew Garfield dragging his tongue over James’ nipples and shuddering when he makes James gasp.

He could never have imagined Andrew fucking Spider-Man Garfield casually, possessively palming his ass like it’s an item on display at Bergdorf; like he’s fucked and been fucked by other men a million times and now he just wants to skip the freakout and get down to the business of getting James hard and slicked and ready for him to play with.

He just, it’s so much so fast at first that he doesn’t know what to do with it except keep it a secret, because he’s still in shock and still not sure how far this goes for either of them.

Except then Andrew texts him on a Monday morning: come here.

And James obeys, and Andrew spends the rest of the day slowly undoing him and exploring him and filling him and fucking him and it’s so intense and emotional that James almost doesn’t process what Andrew means at first when he kisses James’s shoulder and slides his hands around James’s waist and says softly, “We can’t talk about this.”

James blinks up at him, still muzzy-headed and blissed-out and post-coital. “You mean to anyone, or just to each other?” It comes out a bit rougher than he’d intended, but Andrew just grins at him and then leans down to bite James’s chin.

“No, we should definitely talk about it,” he says. “Just don’t tell anyone else.”

“I don’t do closets,” James tells him, and Andrew just fixes him with a calm, clear-eyed look that says, plain as day: But you’ll do this.

“Jesus,” James breathes, “come here,” and he drags Andrew down into his pristine white bedsheets.

And so begins one of the headiest, most frustrating periods of James’s life.

Something James never fully understood up til now is that every single interaction he and Andrew have ever had was foreplay. All of it, every moment from December 2016 until now, was one giant precursor to sex.

Because now, now that they’ve started routinely putting parts of themselves inside one another, absolutely nothing about the way they interact changes at all. Andrew’s eyes are still hooded and intent on his face, he still shoots James the same coy looks and feeds him the same dorky not-quite come-on lines and still finds ways to gratuitously touch him at every opportunity.

Except that now James is aware that every look Andrew sends him, every laugh, every touch, every non-stop gratuitous moment of physical intimacy, is all one giant code for how completely Andrew would like to be sliding his tongue over James’s skin right now, or biting all the secret places on James’ body that he knows makes James gasp and cry out, or fitting himself into James’s arms and holding him wordlessly until they both reach for each other’s mouths at once.

He knows, now, that none of this is just Andrew being giddy and flirty and ambiguously metrosexual; that in fact all of this is about Andrew wanting him, wanting him the way no one’s ever wanted James before, because no one else has ever been in an intense two-year onstage relationship with James that has apparently left them both symbiotically attached at the loins.

Andrew wants James like James is his main source of daily nutrition; he wants James like James is the candy store and he’s the kid; he wants James in ways that leave James wrung out and exhausted and confused and so, so happy about all of it that half the time he thinks he’s in love and half the time he thinks he’s just lost his mind.

But Andrew also is kind of erratic and eccentric and bizarre, in ways that James has always found lovely and sweet, but has never fully appreciated the extent of until they started having a direct role in how often James gets sucked off in semi-public places by his secret boyfriend.

Andrew knows ways of fucking in secret that James has never even conceived of. He summons James to high-class lounges and then subtly shepherds him into posh, private back rooms that James is sure didn’t exist before Andrew whispered a few words to the bartender. He’s got more secret entrances and exits out of hotels and theatres and restaurants than John Wick. And he’s shameless. They’re at some banquet at the Marquis when Andrew drapes the tablecloth over their knees and slides his hand straight up the inner curve of James’ thigh. When he pulls James aside at Jo Allen’s and heads up a set of backstairs James swears he’s never seen before, James blurts, “Are you actually a magician? Are you actually Harry Potter?” and Andrew just winks at him and drags him into the back and into the shadows.

Andrew’s shameless in other ways, too. The theatre is the best cover, because inside the theatre no one really bats an eye if they get caught looking too cuddly offstage, because, hey, they’re method acting. And Andrew loves living under that shield of plausible deniability; he cuddles, he flirts, he banters, he touches, he corners James in dressing rooms and on catwalks and surreptitiously makes out with him, hot and fierce and needy, and he drives James crazy.

He touches James constantly outside the theatre, too, where he can get away with it: he’s performative at the stage door, he kisses James, and trails his fingers over the back of James’s neck, and winds his arms around James’s waist for no good reason; he jokes about the two of them moving in together after the show ends, as though it’s all just a general air of gay frivolity and not something that makes James’s heart constrict to actually think about — something they probably should actually talk about.

And James is discomfited by it, a little, but mostly he’s just insanely turned on.

“For someone who doesn’t want us to talk about this, you spend an awful lot of time giving people the impression you really want to fuck me,” he growls against Andrew’s skin one night after Andrew has spent half their time at the stage door flirting with James and trying to draw obscene images on his arm in sharpie instead of signing Playbills.

“It’s 2018, baby,” Andrew snaps back, smug and sweetly insufferable. “That’s how we do it, now — we hide the truth in plain sight.”

Lee comes out — or gets outed, depending on your viewpoint — and it’s a whole thing, and everybody is tense for a day or two over it. And even though James swears he and Andrew have been so, so careful, he feels as though Lee, in his shaken state, is silently accusatory of them both.

And it’s not like James hasn’t borne the weight of all this night after night, on top of all the other weight of doing Angels in America in Trump’s city. But he’s told himself, so far, that it’s best if they stay secret, because god knows the last thing this show needs right now is another gay controversy over its actors.

He’s even, a weak part of him admits, relieved, because while half the general populace probably thinks Andrew is gay already, no one really knows who James is, and he’s not ready to have the fight where his agent stops giving him top-level auditions because producers don’t want to cast an out queer actor.

But if he can’t have that fight after spending two years playing Louis Ironson, then when can he?

They’re at one of an untold number of Tonys afterparties when everything finally breaks. Andrew is drunk, James is drunk, everyone is drunk, and it’s almost light out, and he’s pretty sure anyone left standing at this point is probably out of brain cells or fucks left to give; but he’s still surprised when Andrew asks the DJ to play “Moon River” and then pulls James into his arms and starts swaying with him right there where they stand.

“Hey,” James whispers, momentarily entranced by the sight of Andrew: his beloved, beautiful, over-earnest Tony-winning boyfriend; the best, most generous acting partner of his life, his, his best person. “I know it’s late, but we’re still in public, you sure you want to—”

“Yes,” says Andrew, sliding his arms around James’s neck and pressing a kiss against James’ cheek. “I always want to, with you.”

“People are watching,” James murmurs, even though he’s drunk and everything’s fuzzy and he’s not really sure how true that is.

“Don’t care,” Andrew says. “Kiss me.” He leans in and kisses James gently on the mouth, and James’s heart flip-flops several times and he pulls back enough to lean his head against Andrew’s forehead instead of letting the kiss deepen.

“I don’t want this,” he says, fumbling for words, “If this is just you being, being Prior right now.”

Andrew frowns at him, but doesn’t pull away. Moon River is a short song, but it suddenly still feels so much longer than the part they play in the show.

“What are you really trying to tell me?” Andrew asks him in a small voice.

James sighs and pulls Andrew closer and cards his hand through Andrew’s hair in spite of himself, because he’s drunk and it’s Tony night and, and fuck it.

“I’m trying to say that if this, right now, if this is just you being showy and affectionate for your co-star on Tony night,” he says, “Then don’t. I don’t want to do this.”

“Oh,” Andrew says, and his face clears. He cups James’ face in both his hands. “Well, no worries here,” he says. “Because I just want to make out with my incredibly hot, incredibly talented boyfriend, James McArdle, in front of the entire world, because he’s wonderful and I’m in love with him and he should have won a Tony.”

And he leans in and kisses James again, deep and open-mouthed and sweet.

James’s stomach flutters and he wraps Andrew in his arms and kisses back for all he’s worth, and Andy Williams is informing them that they’re two drifters, off to see the world, and he’s vaguely aware that a few people around them are cat-calling and applauding them, and everything is somehow exactly how it should be — exactly what this moment should be.

It’s an eternity later when they break apart, just enough for Andrew to kiss James on the nose, and then on the side of his mouth, and then his temple.

“Say that again,” James tells him, savoring the feeling of finally being able to settle his hand possessively at the small of Andrew’s waist — the classic boyfriend move he hadn’t realized he’d missed until now.

Andrew’s eyes are gleaming. “Say what again. That I love you? That I’m in love with you? That I’m completely fucking gone on you? And I’m really hoping you say yes when I ask you to move in with me when all this is over so we can own a bunch of cats and fight tyranny and never break up?”

For an instant James thinks he might actually be too drunk, and then he realizes the rush of dizziness he’s feeling is just sheer happiness.

“Nah, the other thing,” he says, winking.

Andrew laughs and swats him on the arm. “You absolutely know you were robbed of a Tony, you wanker,” he says.

“Looks like I’ll just have to borrow yours, then,” James says, and if anybody is taking photos of them at the moment the social media feed later is going to include the word eyefucking.

“Any time you want, chiquitita,” Andrew replies, kissing him, “until you get your own,” and then he folds himself around James and rests his head on James’s shoulder, and they dance to invisible music until the dawn finally summons them home.

[rishya-is-sleepy]

He's right you know

I thought this line was so fucking funny in 1987 I horrified multiple adults by adding it to my lexicon and over three decades later it’s actually funnier than I could ever imagine

[agersrevenge]

#CALM THE FUCK DOWN garfield jesus christ#garfield's problematic hot take#cartoons

I thought this line was so fucking funny in 1987 I horrified multiple adults by adding it to my lexicon and over three decades later it’s actually funnier than I could ever imagine