#CACE ask
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cna-enterprise · 6 months ago
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Does Pomni stab things on the end of his claws to pick them up? Like grapes or berries?
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Trying to post this crashed my tumblr btw
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unagidevi · 1 year ago
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Okay, so, for our commentary cast we have: Cross, Nightmare and Error. Their names are Cace Levi (Cross), Issac Soar (Nightmare) and Ezra Philip(Error).
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Ezras a Canadian commentary youtuber, Issacs a British commentary youtuber and Cace is a silly irish commentary youtuber. They all have their own nicknames for their channels, the actual people listed under their names in the references is so you can get an idea how they act. Ezras is Ezraili Cace is just Cace Levi and Issacs is Issacstopics There is a murder trio one AND a stars one, which posts will come out soon! Cace can't take many things seriously and (like Kurtis Conner) makes balls jokes and such Ezra owns six wigs and does skits with them during his commentary and reaction. Issac is very energetic and 'loves his wife' (he doesn't have one :'(() and actually is very outgoing. I will be gladly taking asks if you have any about them!
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hymn-of-muse · 1 year ago
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Missing Limb Mishap
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an scp-035 oneshot.
tw for mentions of decay/corrosion, missing/losing a limb, psych evaluation etc
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Log B-112, Patient B-48; Antoine Innez, Reported by Doctor Isabella Santell.
The patient was previously assigned the task of moving scp-035 to a new location alongside other employees, however on moving date [CLASSIFIED], an incident occurred causing Innez to lose his left hand.
While moving the mask, the substance it produces ate through Innez's suits' material and contaminated his hand, unfortunately this was caught late and his hand began to decay, turning black as it died and started becoming the same substance that contaminated him.
his co-worker [CLASSIFIED] took quick action once it was caught a few days before the next move and sautered off his hand just above the wrist with a laser cutter before the corruption could spread.
Innez has since been reassigned a new task with a seperate scp, far from scp-035 and has been regularly attending scheduled meetings with me and i have been monitoring him for any affects caused by this incident with scp-035.
I have been made aware that updates on the suit material for the move team has been updated and new suits have been issued as of last week. The most recent move was yesterday.
Recently i've noticed he started muttering and mumbling, it was just small things at first, i thought it might have been his nerves and getting used to losing his hand, but then it became questions.
He started asking about scp-035, why he no longer had access to it nor any information or records and why he'd been reassigned to something else.
Then the questions turned to arguing, bartering, pleading. Now during our last meeting today, he's begun raising his voice and outright demanding access, stating they belong together, that he isnt whole without scp-035. I made no mention of the move but his change in behavior suggests he was already aware, possibly because he was so used to the schedule while on the team himself.
it may take me a few more meetings to understand if this is simply a trauma response to losing a part of himself, or if this is a result from him being drawn to the mask and a direct effect of scp-035's possession process.
Either way, with Innez's growing aggression i can assertively conclude he is no longer fit for any task under the scp foundation. If he were to continue being an employee, the state he is in would only cause further issues'. he's already attempted to attack both myself and his coworker [CLASSIFIED].
If this is indeed the results of scp-035, i cannot help him any further. This is the 45'th cace brought on by the effects of scp-035, none of the patients from those cases have ever recovered psychologically without their memories being wiped and removed from the facility for good.
I suggest the same solution for Antoine Innez might be our only option if nothing more comes of our next couple meetings.
Log end. Doctor Isabella Santell signing off, current date; [CLASSIFIED]
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i've recently got back into scp and thought about this lil story while doing a math quiz
i will absolutely write for more scp's going forward especially if you guys like this format of writing, just send in an scp you like or idea you have and i'll get it out when i can!
relogs are appreciated!
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cacefanblog · 5 months ago
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──── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────
hello , my name is jest !! i am a writer and also a moderator for the grand casino server. this is where i put all my thoughts about this great au , and i wish to share the love i have for it with the rest of you. ♡
you are free to send asks and talk to me about myself or the au ! i'd love to share thoughts around , and that includes writing or art ideas. however , please follow the rules below.
do not send me nsfw here ! suggestive stuff is fine ( if you are of age ) , but i rather answer those elsewhere. i will update this post once i figure that out !
do not send me ( or otherwise indirect ) hatemail , those will not be answered. this also includes bigoted messages.
do not message me in any way if you are below the age of 16 , i have a set comfortable age range.
disclaimer: i did not make the cace au , nor am i the blog for it ! it was all created by , and belongs to , syrene. who you can find on tumblr and twitter. thank you ! ( check the tags for the tags i will be using here ! )
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touchtone-mothman · 5 years ago
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Fire, falling, and number 13 for asks
Fire: Would your muse rather be very cold, or very hot?
“Very Cold- worst case i can eat something warm and bundle up under the covers for forever, I can’t exactly remove skin.”
Falling: What does your muse think about falling in love or commitment? 
“I- Well, I’m pretty positive about falling in love, ahah- but… Given what I’ve gotten myself into, I’m not sure I’m ready for commitment.”
Number 13: Does your muse believe any superstitions? 
“Well… yeah. most of the bad luck ones- I once broke my cover to stop a mirror from breaking- luckily there was only one person in the room when it happened, but I’m still really freaked out about it.”
“Oh! except for the black cat one- those are definitely not bad luck.”
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desitenya · 2 years ago
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as someone who constantly gets asked "why are you so pissed off at me" a lot i can relate to kusuow resting bitch cace and feel sympathy for that lmfao
honestly same🤝
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sunlightbabe · 3 years ago
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Imagine watching Vic film the killing Damiano scenes in the video (you'd already filmed your makeout scene with her) and when the video's done, she comes over to you to see what you think but she's still covered in blood and you're triggered by blood (fake or not) so she makes sure that Leo stays with you and that you have plenty of water before she goes and scrubs herself completely off the blood before coming back to you and pressing kisses all over your cace and apologising bc she got so caught up in filming that she forgot about your blood fear but you don't need her to apologise bc you already feel better now she's there with you and blood free imao💘 (inspired by the new pics of Vic she just posted and my real ickyness about blood imao)
no but i love this!!!!
like you love to support your girlfriend, and she loves that genuinely love and support everything that she does, but going into this shoot she makes sure to give you all the details- that it's going to be intense and there's going to be a lot of fake blood involved and that yes, she wants you there, of course she does, but she understands if you don't want to be there
but you insist and so victoria makes sure to take all necessary precautions. either herself or leo is by your side the whole time, just in case, and she makes sure to warn you before they start applying the fake blood in different scenes. then of course is her scene, and she loves it, she loves the acting and the fake killing damiano-
but god, she's so worried about you. so as soon as she's done, she rushes to get clean and check up on you- because she got carried away in her fun!! and it was cool to see her like that, losing herself in her work, even if the sight of the fake blood make you feel a little queasy.
and she's super apologetic. she kisses all over your face and holds you close and is saying sorry over and over and over again- but it's okay. because she's here, blood free, and you know she cares about you and your comfort and really, you're touched by all of this
... but you ask if you both can move somewhere else, because the fake blood smells sickly sweet and there's so much of it on set still and victoria grabs your hands and eagerly pulls you outside so you can get fresh air and she can continue to cover you in little pecks and smooches <3
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malkavian-shrink · 2 years ago
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"You observe us but you do not see us. We've been here all along." The voice pointed out, and a man dressed in white raised one slender hand to acknowledge the other man's presence, as he stormed past him, clearly not having noticed him before.
Indeed he had been sitting there all along, on the porch right in front of the museum's exit. He didn't make himself stand out too much, but he did nothing to hide himself either. He was tall, very tall and slender; a humanoid billiards cue wrapped in a labcoat with too many buckles not to have been a streitjacket at some point. His hair was long and white as snow, its messy strands falling in front of his cace and obscuring any expression it could give away. He was sitting still; too still to be a living person; and his pallid skin with his matching hair and choice of attire blended almost seamlessly with the white wall behind him.
"You asked us who do we think we are. Well. What we think we are is one thing -one very vague and controversial thing, in fact- and what we truly are is a vastly different thing. Insofar as you are concerned, we are one of the very few people who care for Jain's wellbeing -we do not, however, expect the sentiment to be mutual. We are also someone who can attest for Jain's poor mental condition. So tell us. Do you feel empowered taking advantage of an infirm creature who is not of the right mind to say no to you?"
"So you are the werewolf's new owner. Has your clan finally shedded every pretense of honor, taking advantage of a creature so horribly abused?" The voice is not heard from anywhere around you, but from within your own head, accompanied with the sensation of a pair of mismatched eyes staring you with contempt. (from @malkavian-shrink )
What was supposed to be a reprimand made him only snort with cynicism after shrugging off the initial startle. He looked around him, but he was the only one in this particular room in the museum he was seeing, and couldn't feel any hidden presence too. He shrugged and spoke at a portrait on the wall:
"Honor," he started, "is one of the most subjective concepts in philosophy. My honor lies elsewhere; whoever you are, that bullet missed its target. I do not feel dishonorable taking advantage of dogs."
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cna-enterprise · 6 months ago
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Quick question: Theres plans to make a Game of this AU at some Point?
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There used to be! (I’m answering this one because I’ve been pondering for a bit lol) the au was supposed to be a story driven game at one point but it was too much work for only one person so it was completely scrapped, at first the game was supposed to have a much darker much I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream type gameplay with Pomni but for the sake of keeping things simple I just decided to not make it happen!
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be-ready-when-i-say-go · 4 years ago
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Christmas 2020 Blurb + Fic Masterlist
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Operation: Christmas Decorating
Shawn knows you enjoy Christmas. But there’s one tiny rule that makes Christmas start December 1st. But when opportunities present themselves...Reader Insert. No specific gender or sexuality. 
From Cace, Jae, and Calum
Cace and Calum meet at a Christmas and for being in their mid to late twenties that’s feels right. But things change when a baby gets involved and Calum just wants his best friend to enjoy her time, especially at the holidays. Female OC. Uncle Cal. Baby fluff. CW: Mentions of pregnancy. 
Christmas in New York
Calum’s got a crush on you. But he’s not sure how to ask you out. A little nudge from Michael is all he needs. Reader Insert (You/They/Them Pronouns)
Confessional Pool
You just got dumped right before Christmas and promised your family that you’d have a special someone to bring home for the holidays. Michael steps in because that’s what best friends doo, right? Reader Insert (You/They/Them Pronouns
Christmas Proposal 
Harry’s plan for a Christmas proposal get a little sidetracked with more news from the universe. Reader Insert. CW: Mentions of pregnancy. 
Ski Resort Confessions
Calum knows you’ve been having a rough time but the rest of the guys know both of you feel for each other. Reader Insert. CW: Mentions of death/death of loved ones
Re:Memory
Calum and you broke up a few months ago only to be reunited at the univere most will designed reminder of how much you and Calum enjoy Christmas. Angst. Reader Insert. 
Decoration Wars
Calum and you have been neighbors for a few years now and as a joke started decoration wars. Everyone’s sure it means more. But sometimes it’s just fun. Fluff. Reader Insert. 
Changes
Luke ducks in late to your brother’s New Year’s Party. And he thinks it’s only going to be chill until your S.O. decides to show ass and changes are made. Reader Insert. CW: Degoratory insults are used. Cheating mentions.
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dulcetscen · 6 years ago
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:D omgg yayy the ask box is open!!! Your writing is so amazing I always love reading what you write!! May I request a scenario for Seiya (Tsurune) where he and his s/o (gender neutral pls) are having a study date that turns into a make out and cuddle session pls? Thank you so much!!!
Thank you!! Aww, that makes me so happy to hear that. Your requests are honestly the cutest, so I’m always happy to write them. 💕
This is my first time writing for Seiya, so I hope it’s okay! Thank you for requesting. Added a read more cut for length.
This had been going on for what felt to be hours.
It was a wonder how you didn’t lose your mind, but you were willing to bet that you were incredibly close to doing exactly that. So, so close. So close in fact that you began to reason that you had to take things into your own hands, once and for all.
Glancing up from the textbook that you pretended to be invested in, you looked across the table at Seiya who, of course, remained wholly invested in what he was studying, breaking away from his textbook only to write notes in the journal he had beside him.
You rested your elbows onto the coffee table where your things were spread out on, placing your head in your hands as you let out a quiet sigh.
“Is everything okay, [y/n]?” Seiya didn’t even bother to glance up from his textbook, but he’d always had the ability to multitask, especially when it came to paying attention to you.
“I don’t think I can read another word, Seiya.”
Your plan to persuade him went out the window unneeded as he gently closed his textbook shut. He smiled up at you, pushing the books and journals over to one side of the coffee table.
“We have been studying for a while, huh?”
He waited for you to nod in response to him before nodding his head towards his bed, inviting you to join him before making his way over there.
You happily obliged, all but clamoring towards his bed before climbing in with him, positioning yourself against him with your head right at his chest. It took a few more moments to settle in, but finally the two of you were in a premium cuddling position, silent but enjoying the other’s company.
It’s not the first time you’ve cuddle with Seiya, and yet you couldn’t help but feel the slight raise in your heartbeat as you cuddled further against him.
“We really needed this break, huh?” Seiya removed his glasses and stretched to place it on the table beside his bed.
Tilting your head up, you smiled at him when he glanced down at you. You hummed in agreement, giddy when you realized that his eyes were farting from you lips to your eyes and back.
Feeling a bit emboldened, you stretched towards him, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.
“You can kiss me if you want to, y’know.”
Seiya’s face bloomed in a light blush, and a few moments passed before he took you up on your offer.
The kiss was soft, ghostlike and gentle. He was always so careful when doing things, and kissing you was one of them. He did his best to read the situation, moving his lips against yours in a smooth, languid way a tilt of a smile pressing against your lips as you moved your hands to mess in his hair.
Almost like a whirlwind, Seiya soon found himself exploring your mouth with his tongue, and you doing the same with his. You shifted yourself to where you were almost on top of him, your torso laying almost completely on his.
A few moments that felt like hours later, you finally pulled apart, flustered and a little breathless but overwhelming happy and satisfied.
You pressed your forehead against Seiya’s, nuzzling your nose against his as his hands found their place around your waist.
“Let’s just stay like this for a while,” You suggested, settling yourself against his chest again.
His hand running up the length of your back, he surprisingly agreed. “Good idea.”
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screamingatanemptyroom · 6 years ago
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Just a thought I had, would like to write it (read it), but don't know how to.
You are a shapeshifting dragon guarding a princess in the castle. You are also a caretaker and guide of said castle. You are bound to the castle by magic in a metal collar around your neck and only way to break free is for the princess to be rescued. One day a prince come to rescue her and to slay the dragon. Only problem is that you fall in love with him. Shifted to your human form you approach him.
Thanks for the prompt submission @adaed5! I’m not sure if this is what you were looking for, but here is the story I came up with. I hope you enjoy it!
“What is this?” 
I stared at the shining, glittering metal coins in my hand, curious as to why the humans around me were paying it so much heed.
Phillip barely glanced in my direction before rolling his eyes, “It’s gold.”
“Gold?” I rolled the unfamiliar word around my tongue, trying to test it out. “What’s so important about this ‘gold’?”
He shrugged at my question, fairly uninterested in the conversation as he led me through the market, picking up objects and purchasing them with a smile for the vendors.
“It’s money, currency. It’s considered a valuable, rare metal. They make jewelry out of it sometimes. Wars have been fought over it.”
Staring at the coins with skepticism, I shook my head slowly, handing the coins back over to Phillip. “Silly humans, it’s not the most rare or even the most beautiful metal, why waste time and effort over it?”
“Not all of us think like you do, dragon.” He laughed at me, and despite his mocking tone I found myself laughing with him.
 I was a dragon.
One of the supreme beings, born of fire and magic, destined to live centuries, even millennia, before returning to the world’s flame. I was a young dragon, only several decades old. I had grown out of my lair, bored with the lack of other creatures. Crawling from the cave where I had been born, the light of the sun had blinded me, almost causing me to turn back. I am a dragon. I told myself firmly. I fear nothing. I left the safety of my home, and went to explore.  I had tried many forms, changing my shape was a gift of mine, a natural ability of a dragon. I flew with birds, crawled with snakes, I ran with wolves and swam with fish. Each fun and exciting for a moment, but quickly growing dull after a few short years.  Still I persisted, hoping to find a spark of interest, something that would call to me, give me a purpose.
All dragons have a purpose.
And then I came across a new, fantastic creature. One that varied greatly from beast to beast. Since taking its form, I had yet to lose interest in their ever changing presence.
Humans.
“Are you ready to go?” Phillip asked once he had completed his preparations. I nodded, tired of observing the market anyways.
I had met him during my third or forth year running around in human form. I had been masquerading as an adventurer, finding that this was the best way to explore freely without being questioned. Fortunately, adventurers seemed to be a rather odd group, even for humans, so my… peculiarities, from my inexperience with human culture, were overlooked. Phillip was a fellow adventurer, one that I had taken several quests with already. We were close, although our initial meeting hadn’t gone smoothly.
“You’re too weak.” Was the first thing he said to me, when I applied to join his group to take on a quest. I understood his concern. My human form looked frail, even compared to other humans. However, that did not mean I would let the insult slide. I was a dragon. I had my pride.
“I am stronger than you.”
Phillip raised an eyebrow. “Prove it.”
I did.
After regaining consciousness, the human agreed to team up with me while taking quests. It didn’t take long for him to discover my true identity. My odd gaps in knowledge regarding human culture and common sense were too obvious and strange to cover up for someone in such close proximity. Besides, it wasn’t like I felt shame or concern. I was a dragon, and I was proud.
A year had passed since that time.
After picking up supplies, we headed out on our quest. We entered a cave, thought to be a monster’s lair. The sources we received the quest from said that the creature was only active at night. If we snuck in during the day, it should be easy enough to kill.
Unfortunately, our information was inaccurate.
“Dodge!” I pushed Phillip out of the way, taking the full brunt of the Troll’s club into my chest. If I had been a normal human I would have instantly been crushed and died, but fortunately I was not. Instead, my human form was flung across the cace into a wall, knocking the air from my lungs.
I cursed as my body had a difficult time standing up, my arms bending under my weight, causing my body to fall to the ground.
A growl filled the room. The troll looked extremely awake and angry for a supposedly nocturnal creature. I was trapped between the wall and the monster, with nowhere to run.
“Dragon, transform and kill it!”
I shook my head at Phillip’s shouted advice. “I can’t, there’s not enough room!”
“Well, do SOMETHING or we’re going to die!”
“SHUT UP HUMAN!”
I wracked my brains as the troll walked closer, dragging its club on the ground. Its beady eyes were fixed on my struggling figure, a grin filled with large broken teeth spreading across its face as it stopped within striking distance. Drool dripped from its mouth, pooling on the floor near my feet. I tried to stand once more, almost making it before falling down again. This form had taken too much damage, even my strength as a dragon was not enough to force it to fight. I stared up at the creature that would cause my death, unresigned.
I am a dragon. A creature born of fire and magic. I can’t die like this. I WON’T die like this.  All dragons have a purpose, and I won’t die before I find mine.
I glared at the monster as it raised its club.
“Ugh, I can’t believe I’m doing this…AAAHH!” Just as the club was about to descend, Phillip muttered a few words and jumped on the troll’s back with a yell.
“Here!” Having distracted the monster, he tossed a bottle at me. I recognized it as a healing potion, a rare, expensive medicine. Normally I would resist taking something that would put me in debt, but desperate times… I chugged the contents in one go, standing up as strength filled my limbs once more. I stood up, just in time to see the troll throw Phillip across the room, where he struck the wall with a sickening crack!
“PHILLIP!” I called out, wanting to go to him to check on him, but unable to, obstructed by the troll. It smiled at me, looking forward to hurting something new, but seemed to shudder in fear when I smiled back at it.
It had forgotten. I was a dragon, and it was nothing more than prey before me.
I ripped the troll’s head off, still smiling.
Racing over its dead body, I knelt beside the still form of my human teammate. He was deathly still on the ground, his face pale, barely breathing. I rested a shaking hand on his forehead, letting my magic course through him.
He was dying. Bleeding on his brain, around his heart, into his abdomen. Too many injuries, all about to kill him. Broken bones, torn muscle, even if I stopped him from bleeding, he would never walk again.  He was too far-gone for potions, or healing magic. He would die. I clutched at my chest as a sharp pain coursed through it.  It was an unknown sensation, completely unrelated to any physical injuries. I was confused, upset, but in the midst of my agitation, a clear thought rose through.
I would not let him die.
I bit my finger, wincing as my teeth tore through skin. A drop of silver blood bloomed at the tip of the wound, and without hesitation I forced Phillip’s mouth open and dripped the blood in. He swallowed reflexively, and immediately his body started convulsing. Calm, now that I knew my blood was taking effect, I turned the man onto his side, and watched over his shaking form. Dragon blood had one of the most potent healing effects, but too much would rob a lesser creature of its life, and too little would be ineffective. Many had died from trying to steal what had to be rightfully given. Phillip would heal, he would live longer, be stronger, but he would live. As his body stilled, and his breathing evened out, I found myself smiling gently down at the friend I had made over this time.
“That is to repay you for the potion you gave me.”
Without it, I would have been unable to fight the troll, and would have died.
“… is that so?” a shaking voice replied, his eyes slowly opening.
I nodded. “A dragon always repays debts.”
He smiled, his overly pale face quickly filling with color once more. “Good to know.”
“I still owe you a favor, human.”
“What for?”
I shrugged. “You risked your life to distract the troll. Without that I would have died. Two favors, one repaid. What would you like for the second?”
“Hmm…” He thought it over. “I’m not sure, but I’ll let you know.”
“Don’t wait too long human, you all die so quickly.”
“Wow, so cheerful.”
We laughed at his words, and after a few moments of rest, we collected proof that we had killed the troll and made our way out of the cave.
“YOUR MAJESTY!”
A loud voice called out as we left the cave. Startled, we found ourselves faced with a large group of knights on horses, all with solemn expressions.  I looked over at Phillip, whose face was grim.
“Your address is wrong.” His voice was so cold it seemed to freeze the air around us. “It’s ‘Your Highness.’”
The man in the front shook his head. “No, my king, I’m afraid it’s not.” At some unknown signal, the knights dismounted and knelt before us. “King William is dead. Long live King Phillip!”
“LONG LIVE THE KING!”
At their resounding shouts, I glanced over at my friend with a bemused expression. “So you were a king?”
“I WAS a prince.” He corrected. “Impressed?”
I laughed. “Not really. You’re still human.”
“That’s what I thought.” His words seemed annoyed, but there was an amused light in his eyes.
The kneeling man was offended at my reaction. “You there, adventurer! Kneel before your king!”
I smiled at them, releasing my aura of a dragon, and the knights went from bended knee to groveling on the ground with terrified expressions.
“Dragon…”
“Fine, I will let them go, since they are your people. “ I retracted my aura with a frown. “Teach them to fear and respect dragons though.”
“Deal. I have to go to the Capitol, there will be much to do with the death of my father.” He hesitated and then added. “Would you come with me?”
I was tempted. Phillip was the first friend I had met since taking on a human form. I also still owed him a favor for saving my life. But after a few moments, I shook my head. “No. The city is too crowded, and i have yet to find my purpose. I’ll continue to roam freely here.”
“Understood.”
“I will come find you soon. Until we meet again you must think of how you would like my debt repaid.”
His smile was sad. “Of course. A dragon always repays their debts, right?”
“Right.”
After ten years I went to find him again.
He was older, didn’t smile as much. His eyes were slightly colder, although a happy light still filled them when I walked through the palace doors, a trail of angry guards running behind me.
“Don’t you know how to announce a visit a head of time?” His voice was dry, but there was a smile on his face. “Or at least, knock?”
I shrugged. “I’m a dragon, why bother?”
“… Sure, why not?”
I stood before the throne, ignoring the shocked expressions of the humans around me when I didn’t kneel. “How would you like my debt to be repaid?”
“You really don’t waste time, do you? Would you like to have some tea?”
I shook my head. “I’ll drink tea with you, human. After you tell me how you would like me to repay my debt.”
Phillip sighed. “I don’t know, dragon. Can’t you simply forget and come spend time with a friend.” His smile was self-mocking. “It would do me some good to have someone nearby who didn’t treat me like some kind of god.”
I snorted. “A god should be more impressive.”
“Exactly what I mean.”
“I’ll have tea with you, human king. But then I will leave. I have not yet finished exploring, have not yet found my purpose. Think of what favor you would like before I return.”
“What if what I want is for you to stay with me?”
“Then I will.”
“But it will be because you owe me, not because you want to?”
I nodded. “That is correct.”
A long sigh left his body. “Then continue to be free, dragon.”
“I will return, human. I will repay my debt.”
“Of course,” He muttered. “A dragon always repays their debt.”
Ten years later.
I returned. He still had no request.
“I’d like you to meet someone.” His smile was gentle, but his eyes were even colder than before.  He pushed  a small child in front of him. A small girl with golden hair and a wide, innocent gaze. “This is Milana, my daughter, she’s six years old this year.”
I nodded. “Human child.” I turned back to Phillip with a frustrated expression. “If you still do not have a way for me to repay my debt, than I will go.”
“Wait!” He reached out, hesitating, and then asked. “Will you at least stay for tea with me and my daughter?”
I thought it over, I was in no rush. “I will.”
We passed an afternoon reminiscing about our adventures.
I left, with a promise to return to fulfill my debt.
Ten years later.
I received a letter from the king, before I could even plan to return. Startled, relieved, I made my way to the castle to talk with Phillip.
“Dragon, you came!” He greeted me with a friendly smile, reaching out to grasp my hand, but I stepped out of his reach. His expression, his posture, his words… everything indicated he was happy to see me, an old friend. But something in his eyes made me hesitate.
His eyes… they reminded me of the eyes of the troll all those years ago. Dark, mad, taking joy in hurting others.
Perhaps I simply imagined it. I shook my head, trying to clear it of that thought. Only ten years had passed, could my friend really have changed so much?
“You sent for me, human?” I tried to keep my voice natural.
“Yes, my friend. I finally have a way for you to repay your debt to me!” He sat down, motioning for me to do the same. “My precious daughter, my Milana, who you met before, is in great danger.” Sighing, he looked out of the window nearby, as if weighed down by his responsibilities. “She has a wonderful magical power which strengthens and blesses the nation she resides in. It is with her help these last sixteen years that my kingdom has flourished. But as she comes of age, the competition for her hand has become a bloodbath. All sorts of greedy and unruly men wish to claim her, to use her powers for their own gain.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You wish me to kill these suitors then?”
“No, there are too many, and many are too important.” He sighed loudly. “I want you to protect her.” Bringing out a map, he pointed to an empty space. “I have renovated an old abandoned castle in the forest here. What I ask is that you guard the princess with your life, keeping her safe, and filtering out her suitors.”
“Filtering out her suitors?”
Shrugging, Phillip continued. “I plan to make a proclamation that only one who can defeat the dragon can marry the princess.”
The atmosphere around us grew colder at his words. “Not that I’m saying you can be defeated, dragon, but that when you find someone worthy of the girl, that you… pretend to lose.”
“Lose.” I tested out the foreign words, displeased with its taste in my mouth. “Sacrifice my pride as a dragon?”
“But then your life debt to me will be completed, I promise.”
This was a conundrum. If I pretended to lose to a mere human I would sacrifice my pride, but if I reneged on my life debt then what pride did I have to sacrifice? I nodded slowly. “I will do this.”
“Thank you my friend.” His face was relieved, but his eyes remained cold, as if staring at a corpse.
“If that is all, I will take my leave.” I turned to go, but his words stopped me in my tracks.
“One last thing!” Now Phillip looked embarrassed. “I trust you dragon, but my court… they were hard to convince.”
“…” I waited silently for him to complete his request, and he seemed even more uncomfortable with my lack of reaction. “To be honest… the only way I could get them to agree, is if you wear this:” He opened a nearby golden chest. I snorted at the vanity of the yellow metal he loved so much, but froze at the sight of the object within it. Hurt, I stared at him, the betrayal I felt clear, and he flushed with shame. “I’m sorry, dragon. I swear it is only temporary.”
“You would have me wear this?” My voice was filled with rage, but I kept my face calm. There was no reason to strike out, although every instinct urged me to
“It has only two conditions. You cannot harm the princess, and you must guard the castle until the princess is rescued.”
I looked into his eyes, but he didn’t flinch. I wanted to rage, to tear him limb from limb for his arrogance, his deceit, but I didn’t. This was part of my life debt. I would repay him, no matter what.
I reached down towards the disgusting object, my skin crawling as I made contact with the cold, dark metal.
It was a collar.
Crafted with dark magic, it was used to control slaves and magical beasts. Simple conditions could be woven into the magic, and only once these condition were met would the collar fall off. As I touched it, my magic coiled around the object, informing me of the conditions for its release. My gaze grew cold, but I stayed silent as I latched the metal into place around my neck. It was almost too tight, but at least the magic within it would allow it to grow or shrink with me when I transformed.
“With this favor, we are even.”
“Yes dragon, finally you will repay your debt.” He smiled as I did, but neither of us meant it. “Would you like to stay for tea before you go?”
I leapt out the window. “I only drink tea with friends.”
With that, I was gone, my suddenly appearing wings carrying me over to the abandoned castle where I would find my new home.
Two years later.
“YOU STUPID BEAST, WHY DID YOU DRIVE HIM OFF?!!” The princess screamed at me, her face red with rage.
I sighed quietly, reminding myself of my debt before forcing my voice out in a calm tone.
“He was an evil man, one known to murder the innocent and steal from the weak. I did you humans a favor by killing him.”
The girl was unappeased by my answer. “Idiot monster! He was a crown prince! It was a good match!”
“I promised your father to only lower my head to someone worthy of you.” I rolled my eyes, pushing away the thought that no one deserved to be trapped with her.
“I have been here for two years! TWO YEARS!” Pointing a finger at my face, she grinned cruelly. “Pretend to lose to the next man who comes, or I will tell my father to activate that collar around your neck.”
“The conditions for activation have already been set, human girl.” I smiled. “I cannot harm you, and you must be rescued before it can be removed.  Or are you saying that there is a hidden condition I don’t know about?”
My mild words scared her, her face paled and her eyes darted around nervously. “O-of course not! I’m just frustrated, dragon. You can ignore my silly words.”
I held back a sigh of disappointment.
She knew.
The collar was not what it seemed to be. Deep down, I hoped this unpleasant girl was innocent, unaware of her father’s evil schemes. However, from her words and actions just now, it seems she was a co-conspirator.
“I will go out to the town to buy food. Is there anything you would like?” I asked calmly, pretending to overlook her mistake.
“I want a husband.”
“Very well, I will see what I can find.” With a smile, I was out the door and headed for the nearest town.
 When I arrived in town, the man who tended the stall I bought food from was engrossed in conversation.
“You have to be careful, stranger, word is that there is a castle in these nearby woods with a monster living in it! It guards a beautiful princess, killing all who come nearby. The king himself has issued a proclamation that who ever kills the dragon can marry the princess! “ The shopkeep chatted with an unfamiliar male human, a worried expression on his face.
“Thank you for the warning.” The man answered with a broad grin, a gleam of excitement in his eyes. “Do you happen to know where the adventurer’s guild is?”
“I can take you there.” I stepped forward, curious about the new arrival.
The young man was tall, his dark hair tied back behind his head to keep it out of the way. In the thirty years of living amongst humans, I had learned to distinguish quality of equipment. This man was in the finest of armor, with a sword bearing the personal mark of a blademaster. It would take more than gold to purchase such, it took prestige and ability to wield a blade such as that. Why would such an important and wealthy young man come all the way out to this small village?
I smiled to myself. Looks, like the newest contender for the princess’s hand had arrived.
The human stood tall, his expression tinged with pride, as he looked me up and down.
“How would you be able to enter the Adventurer’s guild? You look weak.”
The surrounding villagers groaned, having gotten used to me receiving these sorts of challenges over the last two years. Quickly in the background money was already exchanging hands in a bet.
I refused to hide my pride as a dragon. “I’m stronger than you.”
“Prove it.”
I couldn’t help it, I burst into delighted laughter. He looked nothing like him, but this man couldn’t help but remind me of my first friend, of Phillip. Thinking of my last conversation with that human, however, my smile faded into sadness. Instead, I cracked my knuckles, wanting to work out some frustration.
“All right then.”
I knocked him out with one blow.
Once he had woken up, he gave me a self-depreciating smile and reached out a hand. I grasped it, helping him to his feet. “Wow, I really underestimated you!” His gaze was bright, lacking the greed and arrogance that the men who came after the princess before him had shown. “You’re an awesome fighter!”
“You aren’t bad yourself.” For a human. I added silently.
“Thanks!”  He paused and then reached out his hand again. “I’m Pr… I’m Robert.”
I shook it. “You can call me ‘Dragon.’”
He chuckled “Is that a nickname, a fighting title or something?”
“Of sorts.”
“Well, Dragon, let’s go to the adventurer’s guild!”
I introduced Robert to the guild, allowing him to register. He stated he wanted to get used to the surrounding area, and I volunteered to take a few quests with him. He was a bright, cheerful human, and I enjoyed fighting by his side. Often we would speak while traveling, learning about each other.
“What do you wish for in your life, Dragon?”
I looked up at the sky, touching the collar around my neck which was hidden under my clothes. “Freedom.” All dragons had a purpose, and that had become mine.
He chuckled. “What a novel answer, Dragon. Is someone forcing you to stay in this village against your will?” He cracked his knuckled. “Let me know, I can help you sort the villain out.”
Imagining his face if I told him that the villain he was looking for was the king of this nation, I laughed as well. “What about you, Robert? What is your dream?”
He smiled brightly. “I want to be a great king, just like my father! A wise ruler that people will thrive under! I want my people to be happy, to prosper!”
I patted his shoulder. “That’s a good dream.”
And so the happy days spent together continued.
“Dragon, can I tell you a secret?” After months of taking quests and exploring together, we sat at the guild, having a drink after a long fight that had lasted until evening.
“If you wish.” I had no wish to hear it, but I knew enough of human customs now to know I shouldn’t refuse.
“I’m not here to just be an adventurer.” Robert was drunk, he swayed slightly in his chair as he spoke, his gaze slightly unfocused. “Actually…” he looked side to side to make sure no one else was close enough to hear. “I’m a prince!”
I fought the desire to roll my eyes. He bore the royal crest of the neighboring kingdom on his saddle! Did he really think I hadn’t noticed?
Robert studied my calm expression, pouting. “You don’t seem surprised. Do you not believe me?”
“If you say you are a prince, I believe you.” I answered quietly. His face broke out into a wide smile.
“Thanks! You are a great person!”
I chuckled at his drunken compliments.
“But that’s not all my secrets.” My laughter was cut short at his next whisper.
“Robert…”
“I’m here to slay the dragon, and rescue the princess!” He was still smiling, but I was unable to smile back.
I felt a deep pain in my chest. We had not spent all that much time together, but over the last few months I had grown to respect him as a person. He seemed to lack greed and dishonesty, the traits that had made me despair of ever trusting another human again. We had laughed together, shared stories, guarded each other’s backs… it reminded me of a simpler time, before I understood the darkness underneath the surface of the human world, back when it was just me and Phillip. To hear him say that he would kill me, even if it was unknowingly, struck me silent with pain where I sat.
“If I kill the beast, and rescue Princess Milana, the king has promised me her hand in marriage, which will cement the relations between our two countries!” He grinned excitedly, his slightly red eyes staring off into the distance, but I simply shook my head.
“What if…” The tentative words were not like me, it caught Robert’s attention immediately, drunk as he was.
“What?! What’s wrong?”
“Do you really think you can kill a dragon?”
He puffed out his chest. “Of course! I’m the strongest!” He paused, wincing. “Of course, I guess, the second strongest, next to you. But still, I should be able to slay a simple dragon!”
No, you’re wrong, you’ve already lost to the dragon and just said that you were weaker…
I sighed. “What if the dragon wasn’t just a simple beast?”
“What do you mean? A dragon is a monster!” He rubbed his face, as if trying to clear his head.
“What if the dragon was like… you or me? Could talk, could dream, could hope…”
Could love. The words died silently in my chest.
His face grew serious. “If that were the case… then I would still kill it.”
My hearts hurt again. I rubbed my chest uncomfortably.
“Why?”
“Because if I don’t secure this marriage, my father will name my brother as his successor. I need the alliance from this nation to secure my right to the throne.”
“And this throne is more important to you than a living being?”
“It’s kidnapped a princess, it’s not like that monster is innocent.”
I laughed out loud, a strange, haunted sound. I suppose that’s right. I’m not innocent.
“What’s wrong?” He grinned uncomfortably, “Is this because of your nickname, Dragon? I won’t kill you, just the monster, I promise!”
A second burst of desperate laughter escaped my chest, it sounded like a sob of pain.
“Power, thrones, gold… humans like these things very much, don’t they?”
“Dragon…” Robert trailed off as I stood up.
“I know where the castle is. I will send you directions.”
“You- you do?”
“I do.” I reached out and patted his shoulder. “I wish you luck, friend.”
I started to walk away.
“Hey! After I defeat the dragon, and rescue the princess… you should come back to my kingdom! We can keep going on quests, adventuring just like we have before!” He grew excited as he spoke, but I simply shook my head.
“I’m sorry Robert, I’m afraid that’s impossible.”
“What?! Why?”
“Because I also have to pursue my dream. Goodbye, Robert.” With these words, I left him.
As I walked, the pain in my chest moved to my eyes, causing them to water. I cursed the weakness of this human form, running out of sight to transform back into my dragon body. As I flew away, I roared my pain out to the heaven’s suppressing my grief, and looking forward. 
I was a dragon. A supreme being of fire and magic. I needed no one.
I informed the princess that night that she would be rescued in the morning. She cheered, clapping her hands excitedly upon finding out that her future husband would be a prince.
I stared at her quietly, unable to suppress my curiosity.
“So we will part tomorrow, the collar’s restriction will be lifted. I will play my part, and my debt to your father will be paid.”
The human girl stared at me, her eyes widening as she realized what my words meant.
Would she speak up? This would be her last chance to speak out, to tell the truth about the collar around my neck, to reach out to the one who had protected her from villains, assassins and thieves for the past two years…
“Well, I’m going to go to sleep, Dragon. I wouldn’t want to be tired for my rescue!” She gave me a wide grin, avoiding my eyes, and scampered upstairs.
I stared after her, feeling a sense of disappointment
I flew away in the night searching for magic within the deep forests and lakes. Catching wind of a spark, I landed down within a clearing, standing just outside a fairy ring. 
“Mighty dragon, to what do I owe the pleasure?” The fairy queen stepped out, still dancing under the moonlight as if to a silent tune.
“I have come to make a trade.”
“Your kind rule over all that is magical and all that is not. You take what you want and give what you want.” Her tiny face was confused. “What can I trade with you?”
I let out a sigh, lowering my head until we were eye to eye. “I have been betrayed.”
“What…?” She trailed over, her silver eyes widening upon seeing the black metal around my neck. “Who in this world could collar you?”
“I put it around my own neck to pay a life debt.”
A long sigh came from the fairy queen. “What a waste of a life debt. If the human was smart he would have asked for one of your hearts, or a cup of your blood.”  Studying it closer she frowned. “The conditions of this dark magic…”
“Yes, to never hurt the princess, to only be freed upon her rescue…”
“But the third condition…”
I cut her off. “I’m well aware of the third condition.”
“Those bastards!” She cursed, crying glowing tears as she stared at the collar around my neck as if it were a noose.  “What can I do?”
I smiled. “I’ve spent many years among humans, I’ve studied them, lived among them… I know what they value most. I will make them drown in regret for what they have done.”
“But how?”
I handed her a jar, that glowed with an eerie silver light. She glanced at it, her face turning purple as she realized what it held.
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?”
“Shush. You only need to hold onto it.” I soothed the fairy with a laugh. “When the collar’s magic is complete, please return it to me. In return I will give you 3 drops of my blood. One now, and two upon completion.”
She shook her head. “I don’t dare take that high of payment this simple task.”
“Good, because I have two more tasks for you.”
We placed our heads together and planned quietly through the night.
“Dragon! Come out! I, Prince Robert, have come to face you!” A familiar voice called out from the castle’s entrance. I sighed quietly, even if I expected it, it was still painful to confront him like this. I spread my wings, lifting my dragon form into the air, landing in front of him quietly.
“What do you want, human?” I asked him.
He started, confused for a moment. “You can talk?”
I laughed bitterly. “I am a dragon, a supreme being of fire and magic. Did you think I was a simple beast?”
“N- No.” He shook his head. “Dragon or no, I have come to rescue the princess today.”
“And what if I release her without a fight?” I stared at him seriously, and he grew uncomfortable.
“Y- You can’t do that.”
“Why not?  If I release her, will you leave without my head?”
Robert paused, seeming to think it over, and then shook his head. “No.”
“Why not?” I knew his reasons, but some perverseness within me made me want to hear him say it out loud.
“YOU… you must pay for your crimes!” He turned red and stammered as he spoke, unused to lying.
I chuckled. “So you must slay the dragon to prove your worth as the future king. The princess matters very little to you.”
“No! I need the marriage too!” He stopped, clapping a hand to his mouth. “I didn’t mean…”
“It’s fine, she has not heard you. I will call her out now. “ I whistled a wind spell, opening the doors and lifting the princess to come to rest on the ground half-way between us. She looked hopefully at Robert, squeezing out a few fake tears.
“My hero!”
Her sweet falsetto caused him to smile at her. I watched them both, wishing to rub my chest which hurt.
“Human!” I called out, not having to fake my irritation. “If you have come to fight, let us fight.”
Robert nodded, notching back an arrow and aiming it at my chest.
It bounced off my scales and clattered to the ground.
I sighed. “You aren’t making this easy.” With that, I transformed into my human form.
Seeing me, he yelled, confused. “Dragon? Why are you here… this has to be an illusion!”
I smiled sadly. “I told you from the start to call me ‘dragon’ and you still did not understand?”
“You- you’re…”
“I am your friend, the one who has fought side by side with you the past few months.” I spread my arms wide, leaving myself open to attack. “I am also the dragon which guards the princess. To kill one is to kill the other.”
Robert retreated a few steps, shaking with shock. The princess saw his reluctance and called out. “Hurry up and fight that horrible monster!”
Monster? I saw him mouth the word as if confused.
“Don’t you have a dream?” I asked him quietly?
His eyes slowly cleared, and his hands steadied. The arrow was aimed at my chest.
“I’m sorry, Dragon.”
I smiled. “I won’t forgive you.”
He let loose the arrow, and it struck me between my upper ribs. I fell backwards with a groan.
“There, princess, I have saved you. Let’s go.”
“Wait!” She called out, angry. “Do you really think one arrow is enough to kill a dragon?!”
The both turned towards me, who had sat up, and casually pulled the arrow out. “I am too weak to continue, brave prince.” My voice was mocking, my eyes cold. “I yield, and declare you the winner. You may take the princess.”
Robert hesitated only a moment, and then nodded. “Then I will take her away, dragon.” He looked as if he wanted to say more, but held back. With his acceptance of his win, however, it was enough.
The collar around my neck glowed. I sighed with relief.
“What’s happening?” Robert was confused.
“I have been collared by the king to repay a life debt.” I laughed softly. “The first of the collar is that I could never harm the princess. The second is that I must guard her until she is rescued and only then would the collar’s magic be complete.”
“So you are free?” He asked with a hopeful expression.
“If only the world were so kind, isn’t that right princess?” I called out the young woman, who sneered at me from where she hid behind the prince.
“Milana? What does Dragon mean?”
“Yes, princess, do you want to tell him about the secret condition you and your father hid from me?” I paused, listening to the magic of the collar as it activated. “I suppose it doesn’t matter, you’ll see soon enough. “ I changed into my dragon form.
“What are you…?”
“I don’t wish to die in another form. I will die as a dragon.”
“Die…?” Robert was pale, he stepped closer only to be pulled back by the princess.
A bright light poured out from the collar, enveloping me. I felt its magic sink into my flesh, seeking my heart, to stop it.
The third condition.
When the princess was rescued, and the collar’s magic was completed. I would die. Only then would the collar come off and I would be free.
“Goodbye.” 
I was unsure who I was saying it to. Robert? The princess? Phillip?
I thought I heard someone cry out: “DON’T GO!” but before I could look in that direction, darkness over came me. The magic entered my heart, stopping it in place.
And at the foot of the castle, next to the prince and the princess he rescued… I died.
Pain.
Pain in my chest was the first thing I felt again. I tried to open my eyes, the light of the sun blinding me.
“Ouch.”
I blinked a few times, focusing on the tiny form in front of my chest, her hand buried deep within the flesh.
“Thank you Fairy Queen.”
She smiled and retrieved her hand. “You’re welcome, Dragon. We had a deal, after all.”
“Any problems?”
She gestured behind her back. “The human was noisy. The male one. He kept crying and screaming about how he betrayed you and deserved death. The female immediately started talking about draining your blood for her father. I assume that is why they wanted you dead.” She thought it over. “Should I kill them?”
I shook my head, wincing as the motion pulled at my open chest wound the fairy had just made. “No need.”
“DRAGON?” Robert cried out, tears on his face. He rushed forward, staring at me with wide eyes. “How are you alive? I thought…”
“That the magic of the collar had killed me?” I glanced down at the pieces of dark metal on the ground and let out a flame, melting it into a puddle. “It  did.”
“Then how are you alive?” The princess was upset.
The fairy laughed. “Foolish humans. All creatures know that dragons have two hearts. The magic only affected the one in the chest, while I had the second one given to me last night!” She pointed at my wound within a silver heart beat loudly. “It only needed to be replaced. “
“That’s enough, fairy.” I sighed as she used magic to close up the scales of my chest, hiding my heart from view. I felt safer without it exposed. “Did you do the other tasks I asked you?”
She grinned mischievously. “That I did, mighty dragon.”
“What did you…?” Robert started to ask, but stopped, as if unsure if he should continue.
“I will tell you, human.” I no longer called him by his name. He was no longer a friend, like Phillip or his daughter. “My time amongst humans has taught me much. You all spout ideals of love, and hope and light. But in the end, you care for only two things: power and gold.”
“I-“ He seemed to want to argue, but fell silent.
“I will simply take the things you love.”
Now the princess looked concerned. “What do you mean?”
The fairy leaned back, cackling with glee. “We took all the gold in the castle vaults! Every last piece! We rotted all the wood on your weapons, rendering your armies useless, and turned your thrones into dust.” She glanced at Robert. “Your kingdom too.”
The princess fell down, her face pale. “All of the gold is gone?”
“It belongs to me.” I smiled, “I have no use for it, but I will decorate my lair with it, and enjoy looking at something that you care so much for being in my possession.”
“But…”
“You are always free to try to take it from me, if you dare.” My smile turned cold. “But know this: I am a dragon. I will not be challenged lightly. I have been merciful, but no longer. If you come searching for your gold, be prepared to lose your life.”
“Dragon.” Robert whispered my name as if it meant something, his face sad. 
I spread my wings and lifted into the air, ignoring him.  Flying over the kingdoms, I let out roar after roar. It was a shout a joy, of being alive again. Of challenge for all who would oppose me.
Finally I came to my lair, the small cave I had been born in that had now been dug into an enormous cavern. I settled within it, looking with satisfaction at the sparkling golden pieces that decorated every inch of my lair. I made a nest among it, falling asleep within the piles.
I hoped they would try and take it. I looked forward to their attempts. 
I would kill them all.
I was a dragon. A creature born of fire and magic. I paid my debts, protected my pride. And now…
I was home. 
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likeniobe · 6 years ago
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Ȝet quyl Al-hal-day with Arþer he lenges; And he made a fare on þat fest for þe frekez sake, With much reuel and ryche of þe Rounde Table. Knyȝtez ful cortays and comlych ladies Al for luf of þat lede in longynge þay were, Bot neuer þe lece ne þe later þay neuened bot merþe: Mony ioylez for þat ientyle iapez þer maden. For aftter mete with mournyng he melez to his eme, And spekez of his passage, and pertly he sayde, 'Now, lege lorde of my lyf, leue I yow ask; Ȝe knowe þe cost of þis cace, kepe I no more To telle yow tenez þerof neuer bot trifel; Bot I am boun to þe bur barely to-morne To sech þe gome of þe grene, as God wyl me wysse.' Þenne þe best of þe burȝ boȝed togeder, Aywan, and Errik, and oþer ful mony, Sir Doddinaual de Sauage, þe duk of Clarence, Launcelot, and Lyonel, and Lucan þe gode, Sir Boos, and Sir Byduer, big men boþe, And mony oþer menskful, with Mador de la Port. Alle þis compayny of court com þe kyng nerre For to counseyl þe knyȝt, with care at her hert. Þere watz much derue doel driuen in þe sale Þat so worthé as Wawan schulde wende on þat ernde, To dryȝe a delful dynt, and dele no more wyth bronde. Þe knyȝt mad ay god chere, And sayde, 'Quat schuld I wonde? Of destinés derf and dere What may mon do bot fonde?'
on november first in sir gawain and the green knight
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usaachann · 5 years ago
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You can, uh, skip over this.
I’m just... ranting. Idk.
I feel like it’s harder for me to present as nonbinary. Like, I’m stuck between something? I don’t know. I don’t like female, and I don’t entirely fit in male. I sit in between, or just.. neither. My gender is ????. Yeah.
But recently, it’s been harder and harder to come out and more exhausting to explain and constantly have to correct and correct and correct and correct people constantly. I’m not female, and I’ve asked many to stop referring to me as such and it’s gotten so bad I’ve given up trying to correct them.
I get weird looks when i wear dresses or dress femme at all because “hurr durr ur not a female” kind of stuff, and I get the same when I dress masc (i.e in tuxes or some shit). It’s heartbreaking. It hurts. It’s fucking up my mental health not understanding my own gender identity. 
Even if it is “just a phase”, let me explore it. Most of y’all missed the weird Cace phase I had when I was playing around with genderfluidity, and be glad for that. That was a mess and a half. Doesn’t help I was forced into the female box because of my current partner/friend group at the time. 
I guess in these times it’s “safer” to appear female because I am AFAB. I’m not safe either way, though. I’m loud and out there with my experiences, my past, and my traumas. 
I just want to be happy in my own skin. It’s getting hard to do that because I just don’t know what to do anymore and I feel helpless. I feel like that confused kid, the one who wasn’t sure about whether to live or to end themselves because I just don’t know what to do. I wasn’t normal, I didn’t just like boys. I’m still not normal. I don’t know my own gender, I can’t be comfortable with my own skin, I feel more and more grossed out by myself and I still don’t just like boys.
I’ll probably just delete this later or move it to the proper blog. I don’t know. 
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touchtone-mothman · 5 years ago
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Nice lava lamp. Where'd you get one that big, anyway?
“The weirdest flea market I’ve ever been to. Normal has one like every two months and the people from the Conservatory always bring the weird shit they’ve made- I’m fairly certain my lava lamp is radioactive but at this point I don’t much care. It’s pretty and that’s what matters.”
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Cace, I need you to be vulnerable with me.” she said with mild exasperation. “Just like everyone else.” Muttered Cace under his breath. “Pardon?” “Nothing.” Cace mumbled. “Cace, for this to work, I need you to be honest.” She said. “Yeah, exactly, just like everyone else!” Cace spat, rage building up inside him. “All you want is for me to keep on giving you stuff and you leave me nothing for myself!” She took him in. “And how does that make you feel?” “I…” Cace blinked. “Mad. Really mad.” “And what do you do with that anger?” “Um.” Cace looked down, already starting to regret blowing up. “Let it pass, I guess.” “Does that fix the problem?” She asked gently. “No.” Cace said quietly. She smiled. “I’m glad you told me, so now we can work on solving the problem. Thank you for trusting me.” Cace nodded. “So you tend to become upset when people have, unwittingly-“ “Unwittingly?” “Unknowingly ‘taken stuff’ from you, right?” “Yeah,” said Cace uncertainly. “But you didn’t tell them you were upset. Why do you think that might be?” Cace shifted. “I dunno. I guess I maybe didn’t want to cause problems?” “Mm.” She thought for a moment. “Cace, what would Darian do when you disagreed with him?” Cace looked at her blankly. “Would you like me to rephrase?” “Yes please.” “When Darian would do something you didn’t want him to do, what would you do about it?” “Nothing.” Cace said, as if it was obvious. “Why?” “Cause he would, well, I guess, I mean, I dunno. Probably either just tell me to be quiet or buzz me.” Cace said. “I see.” She said. “So could it be that you don’t want to tell people when they’re doing something you don’t like because you’re afraid of getting hurt?” Cace blinked. “Whoa.” He thought about it for a minute. “I mean, yeah, I guess.” She examined him gently. “Cace,” she said, “you know you can tell me if you don’t want to talk about something, right?” He looked at her as if she has suggested the bed could walk. “But you’re job is literally to talk to me.” She smiled. “Part of it is, yes. But you’re learning how to set boundaries for yourself, and those boundaries need to be respected.” Cace shifted. “I guess.” “You are just as important and deserve as much respect as anyone else. We haven’t really been able to show you that yet, unfortunately, and we’ll work on that. But you deserve to have yourself.” Cace looked up, opened his mouth, closed it, opened and closed it again before looking off to the side. “Thanks.” He finally said huskily. She smiled. “I’ll leave you alone now, okay.” Cace nodded that he heard, and she pretended now to hear him wipe his eyes as she left.
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