#But who needs sleep when you’ve got ✨shitposts✨

[the-great-horse-cocktail]

Helluva Boss fanfic: (Blitz x bi reader) (this is a joke) (TW: murder, cannibalism, discussions of consuming and digesting an equine species, Mr. Beast)

After your favorite VoxTube channel, Mr. Mark of the Beast, paid for you to get surgery to fix your blindness, there were three things you were looking forward to seeing the most: Tits, dick, and ass. And if everything went according to plan, you’d be able to cross two of those off your list by the time the hour was up. Assuming your date actually showed.

Fortunately or not, he did. At that point, you’d already managed to pickpocket from 3 people, which had landed you 20 demon dollars (50 if you count Monopoly money), a stick of gum, and some family photos you only felt 5% bad about taking. When he sat down, you noticed him eying the stolen goods, so you swiftly slid them towards you, hissing for good measure.

“So, you’re paying?” he asked.

“Not for you, cheapskate,” you replied, smiling slyly. If there’s anything you learnt from your grandma, who recently got run over by a semi-truck full of clown wigs, it’s that nothing gets a date going like some good ol’ fashioned name calling.

“That’s rich coming from a skank who shoves Olive Garden breadsticks up their ass because they can’t afford dildos!”

“At least I have an ass.”

Just as Blitz was about to take a swing at you, your stomach growled. Since Gran Gran’s strat didn’t seem to be working, you decided to use this as an opportunity to defuse the tension.

“Damn I’m hungry. I could probably eat a horse, no 🧢 .”

Blitz looked at you like he’d just seen a sign advertising 50% off at his favorite antique store, only to arrive and find out that the place had been closed for 20 years.

“Oh, you did NOT just say that!!!” His fury filled the air like a potent fart. Before you could do anything else, he leaped off his barstool and stormed out. If you hadn’t already gotten your daily steps in, you might’ve followed him. Oh well.

Since Blitz was off the table, you decided to try your luck with the bartender, and, shockingly, she reciprocated. Tits and ass was still a good deal and, for all you knew, she had a dick too. But, before you could get to that steamy hot bathroom sex, a bullet made love to your skull and you cha-cha slid your breadstick filled ass down to Double Hell. Anyone who was actually listening would’ve heard someone screaming “that’s for the horses, you shit-stained cockfucker!” but this is Hell, so no one cared.

The one exception was the chef, who was relieved that they had some more meat to add to the burgers.