#But while I am falling back on pedantry it is also important to get things right

[kyliaquilor]

Yeah, but unfortunately, this isn’t technically a war. Nor do the Geneva Conventions generally apply to domestic/internal crackdowns. It’s kind of one of the ways you can get a bunch of countries to agree to them, even dictatorships.

Now, these are horrifying and awful things that probably *should* be held at the level of being war crimes, but they aren’t. The Media absolutely should be talking about all this - but they also are talking about many instances. Not enough, in part because there aren’t enough hours in the day, and in part due to various other, less acceptable reasons (including media sensationalism focusing on violence, corporate pro-police standpoints and yes, racism on the part of some/many executives and the like in the media beyond a shadow of a doubt) But these things are bad in of themselves - bring up “war crimes” and “the Geneva conventions” is unhelpful because broadly speaking, neither applies in this context and two, because these things are just bad in of themselves. 

[darkpoisonouslove]

Because of who i am as a person....

All of the otp asks for Griffin and Valtor that havent been asked yet. 😍

Wow, okay. XD Let’s do this. This is somewhat canon divergent on some questions because canon doesn’t have enough room to work with them.

1) who can outdrink the other?

Griffin if they’re playing without any magic involved. She has been (un)fortunate enough to drink with Ediltrude and she just had to develop high tolerance in order to survive that. However, Valtor’s magic literally burns out the alcohol from his system and he can practically drink forever if he employs it to do that. He uses that especially when they’re on a mission in order to keep his head in the game.

2) who says “I love you” more?

Griffin. Not by much but she says it more. Valtor is a little more under the influence of past convictions drilled into his head that it would weaken him if he let anyone know what he’s truly thinking, especially if it’s something so emotional. He’s working through that, however, for the sake of both of them and their relationship. He wants to be free of his past and be able to communicate with her how happy she makes him and how much he appreciates her.

5) who does more of the housework?

Griffin. She is more organized and needs to have some order around at least. So even if she is swallowed up in some project of hers, she will keep the clutter next to a minimum which means doing some chores. Valtor does help when he isn’t doing anything else but if he has a project, he’ll just sit where he’s working and try to make himself be as little in her way as possible. Sometimes not even that. Griffin gets a little annoyed sometimes by his hyper focus but he makes it up to her in some other way.

6) who forgets their anniversary?

Valtor if he’s been driven crazy by his mothers’ demands. He just has too much on his head and the sense of urgency is leaving him scattered all over the place. He happens to forget. He tries not to, however, because Griffin is important to him and he wants her to know that. Besides, he does so love an opportunity to surprise her with a gift and see how touched she is. It’s just as good as her gifts to him and the thought she puts in choosing them.

7) who steals the duvet in their sleep?

Neither. Valtor pushes it off of him and if it ends up all on Griffin, she’ll push it away as well. Sometimes they end up playing hot potato with it while they sleep until Griffin wakes up and just has it float over to a chair where it won’t bother either one of them.

8) who keeps the other awake at night with their snoring?

Griffin is a very light sleeper so if she happens to snore, she will wake herself and adjust so that she doesn’t anymore. However, Valtor does snore sometimes and it keeps her awake for the very fact that she feels every shift around even if she’s asleep. She doesn’t wake him, however, because she knows he might be unable to go back to sleep again. She’ll just cuddle him instead which always makes him move and usually helps stop his snoring. And it doesn’t wake him because he just instinctively adjusts in order to be able to hold her and doesn’t need conscious thought to do it.

9) who finds stray animals and begs the other to let them keep them?

Valtor. Griffin is definitely not enthusiastic about taking in any pets. She doesn’t have anything against animals but she doesn’t want to put so much time and effort into taking care of them. Also, her organized space will be ruined with a pet (since Valtor is always dragging home puppies or cats, once even a dragon egg that hatched and almost gave her a heart attack) running around. No, thank you. She always finds a way to get the animal out of there before she can catch feelings (Valtor managed to make her fall in love with him despite her initial annoyance with him and she doesn’t trust him not to play dirty to get her to cave and keep the animal). She’ll probably call Faragonda to see if any of her fairies will take in the animal or leave it at a pet shelter. The dragon she had Saladin taking in to train at Red Fountain. But Valtor just keeps dragging animals home (she swears it is his Dragon Fire that attracts them to him) and she just gives up when he comes home with a baby pitbull. She’s helpless against the little thing. It wormed its way into her heart the moment Valtor left it in her palm (it was that small) and she gave in. So now they have a puppy.

10) who usually makes dinner?

Griffin. Valtor can only make whatever she’s taught him to and she thinks it’s better that she handles the cooking just in case. She doesn’t want him roasting the whole kitchen if he gets frustrated by not being able to get it right. And she loves cooking for the two of them. Even more so when he gives his vocal appreciation.

14) who usually starts/causes arguments between them?

Depending. Valtor has more insecurities that come out to mess things up between them more often but Griffin is more nitpicky about things. He is a perfectionist as well but his perfectionism is driven by his desire to avoid unpleasant consequences for a job that isn’t well done while Griffin’s is an inner sense of making the best version of her work. She sees her work as a representation of herself in her work and wants it to be as good as possible. Sometimes her pedantry can get on Valtor’s nerves and push the wrong buttons to make him explode. Or it can make her explode at him. They have their fair share of conflicts but it is hard to say who initiates more of those when they are both responsible as neither of them is much for backing away from a confrontation.

15) who isn’t afraid to embarrass the other in public?

Valtor. Although he threads somewhat more carefully because he knows that Griffin is a private person and there is a thin line between what she’ll allow and what she won’t. After rooming with Ediltrude for 4 years, Griffin has definitely gotten more comfortable and more unaffected by being teased to an extent but he has even more inside information so he has to be careful what he reveals because there are topics Griffin will never be okay with being touched outside of the privacy of their bedroom.

16) who gives the other cringeworthy pet names?

Valtor. He totally loves teasing her by coming up with the most ridiculous, cheesy, cringy pet names. Griffin has sworn if there is a word that can get between them, it will be one of his “charming” nicknames he gives her. He just keeps teasing relentlessly regardless because her favorite method to shut him up appears to be kissing him until he is too out of breath to talk. He doesn’t complain. It only encourages him.

17) who fusses over takes care of the other when they get sick?

Valtor is more panicky because he is sure he will miss some important step of taking care for her. Griffin is more thorough so she may appear to be fussing over him more. She’s just doing everything she can to make things easier for him.

19) who clings to the other for comfort when they’re sad or scared?

Griffin. Valtor does it as well but he is still more reserved about it. There is this sense of not showing weakness that still lingers despite the awe and excitement of the newness of having someone to provide comfort at all. Griffin doesn’t have the same inhibitions about showing her emotions. If anything, she was hesitant at first because she wasn’t sure she could trust he was being honest about the depth of his feelings. But once she got over that, she was happy to make use of the comfort she finds in him. Especially when he purposefully engages his magic to make himself warmer so that she can enjoy the soothing heat. She questioned whether that wouldn’t have any negative consequences for him but once he assured her it was completely fine since his organism is adapted to survive much more heat, she is just happy to snuggle next to him and his comforting warmth.

20) who is more ‘physically passionate’? (hugs, kisses, or maybe more…)

Valtor. Touching is a whole language for him when he never could say what he thought and it is his way of communicating his most sacred feelings. He just loves to touch so much. He can spend all day doing just that. Griffin likes to indulge him even if there is the nagging feeling in her mind that she’s wasting time that she could spend more productively. She hushes those worries because there is nothing more important than making him feel loved and letting him know she is there with him.

[cargopantsman]

Norse Read-A-Long

Week 2

[Disclaimer: If my posts seem a little bit on the lecture-y side, please please please know that I'm not trying to flaunt any kind of intellectual prowess or pedantry. Y'all are just witnessing me explaining this stuff to myself.]

The genealogies is chapters 1 - 6 weren't, as others have said, quite as daunting as one would fear. The genealogies in chapters 7 - 9 hit me in the face with a shovel.

At the time of this draft I think I've reread chapters 1 - 9 about 20 times, scribbled out a few mini-family trees and am now getting a grasp on who is who and on what side they fall between the Thorsnessings and Kjallaklings.

It does make me wonder about the mindset of the listeners to these sagas back in the old days. We have to figure these genealogies were spoken, in whole, to the audience as important, if not critical, information to the tale. Did these people, who lived in a culture where extended kin-groups were so crucial to survival both environmentally and socially, just hear these chains of relations and develop a fully formed map of families in their minds on the first go? Whereas we nowadays can get confused if we discuss relations more complex than our aunts, uncles and maybe cousins, have to go "Wait. Hold up. Lemme get some scratch paper."

The thing that's keeping me engaged in all of this is that I know from my summary studies of sagas is that these webs that are detailed early on form a foundation for a lot of the motivations of future drama. Who is related to who, friends with who, sworn to who can explain some fairly strange decisions that are made in the sagas. These relationships get so intertwined that it is almost inevitable that these characters get themselves painted into strange corners.

So how does a battle with great bloodshed erupt over Poop Rock and what does family have to do with it? While there probably is something to be said about sanctity versus profanity, I think it can just come down one family making a power-play against another. So let's start at the beginning.

The model that is forming in my head is that we can consider Thorolf Mostur-Beard, good friend of Thor, an arch-patriarch (is that redundant?). As concerns the Snæfellsnes/Breiðafjörð region he was the founder and subsequent goði of the area, granting lands to Bjorn "the Easterner" Ketilsson and, kind of, to his own son Hallstein Thorolfsson, who went off to claim his own lands (And after taking some pokes at sagamap.hi.is, he is far enough away from Thorsness that he is functionally removed from the story at this point (I had assumed that he was just down the road a bit, but Breiðafjörð is actually quite large...)

This leaves Bjorn Ketilsson and Thorolf Mostur-Beard as the de facto leaders of the area, or at least the main patriarchs of what will become two clans. Thorolf has another son late in life, Thorstein Cod-Biter, but does end up fostering Hallstein's son, Thorstein Surt.

Bjorn Ketilsson is the first to die, and then Thorolf soon after, leaving two Thorsteins to head the Thorsnessings and Bjorn's grandson Thorgrim goði as a main figure of the Kjallaklings, along with the unmentioned-in-the-genealogies Barna-Kjallak, "many sons he had who were of good conditions; they all brought help to their kin south of the firth at Things and folk-motes." (trans. William Morris & Eirikr Magnusson, 1892) [For some reason Pálsson and Edwards translated this name directly as Children-Kjallak (?)]

While Thorolf and Bjorn were still alive the settlements were young and the two men had enough clout, respect from their families, and respect for each other to adhere to the rules regarding the sanctity of Helgafell. While many may not have liked having to take the hike down the mountain to relieve themselves and then hike back up the mountain to rejoin an assembly, Thorolf and Bjorn commanded enough respect that people went along with it.

When those two were no longer among the living, and the settlements had taken root with many people gaining wealth from the new land and power among their peers, it can be predicted that a certain arrogance and pride would be fostered with the land-owners and free-farmers of the area. While Thorgrim Kjallaksson and Thorstein Cod-Biter may have held sway over their own families, they didn't necessarily have the same bond that might have existed between Thorolf and Bjorn.

The text tells us that the Kjallaklings weren't arguing for bathroom rights simply out of spite for Thorsnessings but that they "meant to ease themselves there on the grass just as they would at any other meeting." (trans. Pálsson and Edwards, 1972) To them, their demand is not unreasonable. At other assemblies they can say "I'll be back in 10 minutes," but at Helgafell they could be out of the meeting for an hour or more.

Of course the Thorsnessings are convinced that no desecration via excretion is allowed on Helgafell. Going back to the idea that honor is a main driving force of social functioning, if they allow this it can be interpreted as a shame upon them. It's in classic saga irony that in their mission to defend the sanctity of Helgafell they end up desecrating it with spilt blood.

On the Kjallaklings side, the text has it that they "declared publicly" their intent, and more so framed it "that they would no longer tolerate the arrogance of the Thorsnessings." This has a double whammy effect because firstly they have in a minor way declared a kind of oath. They said they would do a thing and now they kind of have to do the thing. Secondly, they have committed an insult to the Thorsnessings in framing what could be called piety as pride.

While the Thorsnessings are willing to defend Helgafell's sanctity to whatever bitter ends, the Kjallaklings now have to defend their reputations to similarly bitter ends.

At this point both families keep a standing army/guard. The problem being is that the delineation between the Thorsnessings and the Kjallaklings aren't very clear cut. In the genealogies there are a few marriage ties between the clans: Vigfus, great-grandson of Bjorn Kettilson marries Thorgerd, granddaughter of Thorolf Twist-foot (who fights with the Thorsnessings). And more importantly to this episode; Thordis, sister of Thord Gellir ("kinsman of the Kjallaklings" and according to Laxdæla saga he is the son of Aud the Deep-Minded, sister to Bjorn Ketilsson) is married to Thorgrim Thorsteinsson goði. (It wouldn't be too foolish to assume more existed than what is told explicitly.)

So "friends on both sides decided to send for Thord Gellir." Usually any kind of mediation and arbitration would be best handled by a wholly unrelated and unbiased outsider, but in this case they had to call for Thord Gellir who just happened to be equally enough related to both sides but also lived far enough away that that was good enough for neutrality.

What I love about the settlement terms described here is that we see the beginnings of the Quarter Courts, a higher level of thing to handle disputes that either local assemblies cannot settle or cases that cross over lines of jurisdiction of the local assemblies. This becomes a long-lasting institution throughout the settlement and commonwealth ages of Iceland, ultimately leading to the Althing, and I find it kind of funny that it was because of an argument that led to bloodshed over where it was okay to poop.

This post has gotten long and the night is getting old. I do want to explore these family-ties themes, and the cross-referencing of sagas (as we have with Thord Gellir and Aud the Deep-Minded [which I really didn't get into]), with the Gisli cameo and how that will affect Snorri Thorgrimsson, but that will be another post.

[nevinitambay-blog]

Close Reading *There Will Be Blood* (2008), or: I’ll have a Western with an extra serving of nihilism, please.

Hey, everyone! I hope you all have had a nicely productive week! Last week, I got some interesting feedback on my Stardust article concerning whether Neil Gaiman or Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman were creditable with the narrative decisions of the film, which is certainly an important question to think about as a writer, especially if you are considering writing with a movie deal in mind. Personally, I view adapting a story from one medium to another as important work, but not original work (just like I don’t consider fanfiction to be original work), so I am inclined to give the storytelling credit for Stardust, the movie, to Gaiman regardless of any changes made to it by Vaughn and Goldman.

 Keep in mind that I consider fanfiction to be fiction using the same defining characters, settings, world rules, etc. of an existing creative work, and moving around those parts like shadow puppets (if the author hasn’t told you everything about a character, do you really know enough about them to truly write their stories?). Now, I don’t dislike the existence of fanfiction or adaptation or creative interpretation (I even encouraged it in my previous article “Writing Exercises”), but I heavily believe that credit should be given to the person who wrote the original where the original is easily definable (i.e. not like old fairy and folk tales that didn’t originate from a single author). However, deciding where you fall on this issue is up to you, as it is more internet pedantry than important analytic consideration for the purpose of close reading.

 Speaking of, I should probably get to what this article is supposed to be: a close reading of a movie. Since I haven’t gotten any suggestions for what movie to do a reading of, and I don’t want to just watch a bunch of movies I’ve already seen, I decided to see what was available on Amazon Prime and rolled a die to pick what film to read. The die picked There Will Be Blood, which I’ll be watching cold (I’ve never seen it, have no idea what it is about, and don’t have trailers to influence my viewing). So, we’ll see how this goes. Let’s do it!

 Starting with the first scene, beginning and ending with the same shot of three bluffs, we are treated to a well done example of how to show, instead of tell, that life for the on-screen character is difficult (a staple in Westerns). Instead of having him in a bar telling his city-slicker relative how hard things are out west, we open with him alone in a dark mine. Without knowing much about mining or the mineral rushes of the United States frontier, anyone who sees this movie will know the desolation and danger of this character’s life, because he is completely alone (dangerous for a species that evolved socially, without useful things like size, sharp teeth, venom, or claws) in a hole in the ground (a wild place without safety, as opposed to a house) in the dark (which can hide dangerous animals and other unknown lurkers). The rest of the scene compounds this sense of difficulty, danger, and foreboding when the man loses his equipment in the dynamite blast, followed by falling into the mine and breaking his ankle. The trick for the rest of the film will be to make each of these things important later if it is pertinent to the story. For example, I’m guessing his broken ankle is going to prevent him from getting away from a fight later on.

 At twelve minutes into the movie, we have another poetic example of how to show a story when a group of men strike oil. First, we see that the main character’s situation has improved since selling the silver from his previous mine, because his beard has been groomed into a mustache and he appears to be in charge of the men milling about in the background. After the grueling work of hand-cranking a cable tool bit up out of the drill hole, the man’s assistant loses his footing which causes him to let go of the rope suspending the bit. Another man is sent into the hole to get the bit out. When it has been released and raised, our main character wipes his hand on the bit, then holds his crude-covered palm up in victory. In the resulting excitement of finding oil, the man holding a baby while dumping oil into a reservoir stops in the process to anoint the child with crude. Thus, we see what this event means to the main character and the baby’s father (I assume). For the main character, this discovery is a meaningful victory that will gain him more money. For the father, though, this means a somewhat divine blessing for his child (since anointing is a religious ritual thing) and, subsequently, a bright future. (The anointing also takes another meaning when the child’s father dies: oil will dictate the child’s life from that point on.) Immediately, we know who cares about what without anyone saying a word.

 Since the father of the child has been killed in an accident and we are beginning to see more of the main character, I’d like you to take a moment and list why you like and dislike him. Make sure to put at least one thing in each column, and keep adding to it as the story progresses. As of this moment, I like the main character because he is clearly hard-working, he takes responsibility for the fatherless child, he is a fair leader (he was in the well when the boy’s father was killed), and doesn’t try to do business in a town that clearly doesn’t want him there (“I wouldn’t take the lease if you gave it to me as a gift.”). I don’t like him because he lied about the boy being his real son, he uses his “fatherhood” to get people to sell oil rights to him, and he uses intimidation tactics to get the information from the California goat farmer boy. This is a prime example of having a main character that isn’t just a likable charmer or a love-to-hate villain. Being hard to figure out and categorize is what makes him interesting to me. What about you?

 For the rest of the film, there isn’t much more that sharply stands out that isn’t similar to what I’ve already said. The showing instead of telling continues to a similar degree, and the likability of the main character wobbles back and forth, sometimes drastically. (Side note: check the list of why you like or dislike the main character. Are some of the reasons only that there was a worse person?) So, that leaves us with the two questions we must ask ourselves as writers: What techniques of storytelling used in this film would I like to emulate in my own writing? What techniques of storytelling used in this film would I like to avoid using in my own writing?

 For this one, I will start with the second question, because the answer is shorter. In my own work, I will avoid the overall ambiguity used in the film. While I do like realism and a certain degree of grit, it is exhausting and grinds away at my inherent desire for poetic justice in the world. In other words, I want my stories to be a rewarding escape from the shortcomings of reality, not a means by which my readers can stare into the abyss. I’m not saying that such stories shouldn’t be told or can’t be told well, just that it is a style I don’t intend to use.

 There are two techniques that I will take from this film, though:

 1.      The use of positive and negative narrative space (a story is just as much about what is omitted as what is included).

 By that I mean all of the moments--that could have easily been filled with chatter--left silent. We didn’t get pleasantries between the main character and the men smelting the silver he sold in the beginning. We didn’t get any interaction between him and other people at the bar with the man posing as his brother. Several plot points and behaviors were displaced from the scenes we’d expect them in, especially as we got further along in the story (which paralleled the main character going crazy). For example, he threatened the man offering to buy his oil wells, but not the man posing to be his brother. Another example was his assertion that he was a family man, followed by no interactions with his biological family until much later. Finally, the main character was not at the wedding of his adopted son, so the son revealing his plans to set off on his own was displaced to the following scene.

 2.      The abruptness of both tragedy and windfall.

 When anything happened, there were no hints it was coming. For example, the second man to die in a well was arguably foreshadowed by the scene of the child’s father coming to a similar fate, but there was nothing to suggest it was about to happen. No one called the safety of the work into question. He didn’t even have a goodbye scene with a loved one. We are just told that he died, then shown how it happened. The same technique also made the fist fights and murders sharper. In addition to the abruptness of violence, the main character’s success was also abrupt; he went from lone silver prospector to oil tycoon with very little work shown in between. While the events tell us that the main character became successful through his own hard work, our lack of evidence leaves room for us to eventually question that (especially after he tells his adopted son that he’s an orphan).

 Now that that is out of the way, I’m off to bury myself in cute pictures of baby animals. Seriously, my cheerfulness is a bit out of order now. Happy writing!

 What did you think of this week’s movie? Did you find a new technique for storytelling in it? Do you have questions for me? Is there a movie you would like me to write about? Let me know in the comments! I look forward to hearing from you! I post new articles on Wednesdays. Please remember to upvote, like, subscribe, and/or follow me on other social media if you find these articles useful and want to see more!

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, week twenty-five

capsule reviews of the pop songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 the weeks of 30 June 2007 and 1 July 2017

30 June 2007

87) "Teenagers," My Chemical Romance

Y'know, I find Welcome to the Black Parade mostly disagreeable, but heck if this song ain't a bright spot, insofar as a song about bringing concealed weaponry of some kind to school is a "bright spot." (Hey, I dunno, if you have to add a disclaimer to the video saying "violence isn't the answer," you should consider a different song for the single? Just a thought, don't wanna backseat record executive, here, but that seems bad.) Like, apart from the "under your shirt" line, it's kind of a perfect angsty vibe, not Linkin Parky fml angst, more angsty in that eternally adolescent sense of "all adults are robots and I will never conform," it channels that really well, and it has a dope guitar solo. I don't think I've mentioned a guitar solo being fun, and I can't tell if that's because I don't typically care about guitar solos or this is the first memorable guitar solo we've gotten, but either way, best guitar solo of the project so far. I am spending a lot of time on this song because I'm like 60% sure it's gonna be the only song I like this week. (spoilers: it isn’t!)

93) "Imagine," Jack Johnson

You know what's another thing about "Teenagers?" Like, even before I ever listened to Welcome to the Black Parade, I could draw a line from "Welcome to the Black Parade" to "Teenagers." I could make sense of how "Teenagers" would fit in a narrative that began with "Welcome to the Black Parade," how that kid would become angry and sullen and start scaring adults. I wish more singles had some sort of thematic throughline, like I don't necessarily mean Future should write a rock opera, I mean that I should be able to get the sense that like "Shape of You" and "Castle on the Hill" are from the same album. But maybe I'm just projecting, maybe I'm stuck in MUSIC WAS BETTER IN 2007 mode when, as seen here, it clearly fucking wasn't.

94) "Shawty," Piles ft./T-Pain

wait hold up is that the "shawty, yeah-e-yeah, yeah" from the start of "i'm on the boat." did t-pain start all his features with "shawty yeah-e-yeah yeah" and i'm just noticing it now, or did t-pain reuse a run. anyway, piles is the goat: grossest of all time. he drops bars that would make yachty wince. like, this is just the first verse: "i pointed at the donk & told her this s'posed to be yours/showed her a couple stacks and told her i'd let her blow it" what body part is the donk in this context. if piles calls his dick 'the donk' i might throw up, especially since he believes being able to suck on it is a wonderful privilege. "i taught her how to talk to me while she take pipe" well, communication is key to any healthy relationship, i'm glad piles understands its importance "i gotta train her, now she suck me with ice" oh okay that's cool, yeah no, women need to be trained to give pleasure, i get it, totally, chill attitude that was the first verse. piles is the worst. i can't believe we squandered this hook and the "bust it baby, pt. 2" hook on this gross gross boy. oh hey second verse "member she used to run from me, now she like pain" cool. coooooooooooooooooooooooool. what a song!

no updates to the 2007 top 20 week but we’re gonna publish the top 20 because i didn’t last week and you may have forgotten 20) "Get Me Bodied," by Beyonce (5.26.2007) 19) "Lip Gloss," by Lil Mama (6.9.2007) 18) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 17) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 16) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 15) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 14) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 13) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 12) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 11) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 10) "Can't Tell Me Nothing," by Kanye West (6.16.2007) 9) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 8) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 7) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 6) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 5) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 4) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 3) "Beautiful Flower," by India.Arie (6.16.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) i still enjoy all 20 of these songs. alright, 2017, low bar for ya. maybe you wanna clear it?

1 July 2017

16) "2U," David Guetta by ft./Justin Bieber

There's something I really don’t like about Justin Bieber saying "Watch me speak from my heart when it comes to you," and then having that line immediately followed by an EDM drop. Like is the drop supposed to be a substitute for words? Is the drop supposed to communicate what's in Justin Bieber's heart? Because all I hear from the drop is "what a nifty drop I am!" But this feels less like a criticism than it does like pedantry. It's OK. David Guetta is a proven programmer of pop music, and this is another solid song that he has made that I wouldn't have been able to pin to David Guetta if I listened to this blind.

70) "Love Galore," by SZA ft./Travis Scott

Worth pointing out that the first autocomplete result for love galore is "love galore travis scott," which is cool. I'm also gonna cop to having this album in my library but letting it sit because there's so much else I have to get to and this wasn't a priority. This song doesn't move the album higher in my queue, but it does have me excited to get to it. This is a dope song, this portrait of an awful relationship neither party much wants to be in, but are staying together because they love each other, whatever that means. SZA regrets hooking up with Travis Scott, Travis Scott admits he was only looking for ass and titties, they both operate independently of one another, but there's love, so there's that. And then the end, when that extremely pleasant bass line disappears, there's that single note on the keyboard and SZA going "woah," then that beat switch into SZA saying "I came here to have sex with you, and if it weren't for that, I wouldn't be here," that's just so cool, like this song is complex and intricate and it does the thing "4 AM" did last week where the music occasionally goes out of tone and it does that thing to great effect. SZA's dope. I'm excited for whatever time I get to spend with her in the future. ...OK. OK, fine, I'll fucking leave this nice dark place and go to countrydudetopia.

79) "Do I Make You Wanna," by Billy Currington

Time for a YAS REWIND, because remember last week when we talked about how many people have made it from the 2007 Hot 100 to the 2017? THIS IS RELEVANT TO THAT, because Billy Currington just became the 29th member of the Decade Dance Party! We will share the full list later in this post, because there are only 10 songs this week and most of them blow so I'ma give you some other #content this week, but it's worth noting right here that 9 of the 29 members of Decade Dance Party are country dudes. You drive down enough dirt roads, you're gonna get stuck in the mud at some point. This is a song in which Billy Currington asks his girlfriend if he makes her feel complete and safe, which is either incredibly arrogant or pathetically needy.

89) "Escapate Conmigo," by Wisin ft./Ozuna

HELL YEAH LATIN POP. Gosh, the renewal of Latin pop as a thing we listen to has been one of the best things about doing this silly thing. Like, all the Latin pop is my second favorite thing about YAS, just ahead of Kendrick week but, let's be real, a million miles behind Ashley Tisdale's cover of "Kiss the Girl." This is such a nice song. The beat bounces nicely, Wisin's flow is like "what if Lin-Manuel Miranda rapped in Spanish and was also good" (like maybe it's been a while since I heard that dude rap, but they sound so very alike), and it has one of the best mis-translated lyrics of the year with "My supergirl/The one whose smiles steal me/Tremendous wolf." Tremendous wolf. I adore that.

93) "What Ifs," by Kane Brown ft./Lauren Alaina

I see you, dude. First off, this dude's voice is incredible. Like, after listening to dude after dude either whispering softly over EDM or bleating twangily over the country beat, hearing this dude belt was An Experience. I wish the production would calm down a little bit, like this dude and Lauren Alaina could have made this song an epic ballad on their own, but nah, gotta have the electronic drums spoil a perfectly good opening guitar line, gotta have the standard pop/country things choke the life out of what could've been some cool moments. This dude's a lot like that Luke Combs fella from a few months back, not stylistically or anything, just in the sense that I bet he's cooler than he is on this song, and I trust he's not just some bro country yutz, but I'm not in any rush to check out what else he's got, despite how appealing the song title "Used to Love You Sober" is.

95) "It's a Vibe," by 2 Chainz ft./Ty Dolla $ign, Trey Songz & Jhene Aiko

This was also OK! As stated, this song was a vibe, and gosh darn, if it didn't do much more than vibe, though. A fun way to kill three minutes, a less than fun thing to listen to if you're charging yourself with the task of coming up with some unique point to make about it for to generate likes and the whatnot. S'a'ight, y'know? I'm supposed to write, what, 100 words about something thats'a'ight? I mean, I don't have to, no one ever asked me to and they clearly don't want me to, but like. It's a vibe! It's another one. Fuck it, I don't, sigh, just give me the country dudes and let's get out of this actually-pretty-decent week.

100) "It Ain't My Fault," by Brothers Osborne

OK. OK! OK, hell yeah, no, I'm sorry for calling you country dudes, 'cuz hot damn, this was great. Like, Chris Stapleton gets a lot of hype for making classic country music, but he only makes the sad slow acoustic country music, and like Johnny Cash had "Folsom Prison Blues" and "A Boy Named Sue," y'know? Not to compare this song to those, but this is uptempo classic country, this is classic country with got damn STOMP, and it's dope as hell.

Two new songs in the Top 20 for 2017! 20) "It Ain't My Fault," by Brothers Osborne (7.1) 19) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 18) "Felices los 4," by Maluma (6.3) 17) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 16) "Love Galore," by SZA ft./Travis Scott (7.1) 15) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 14) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 13) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 12) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 11) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 10) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 9) "Strangers," by Halsey ft./Lauren Jauregui (6.17) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) I bumped “Selfish” this week. I have no idea how that happened. 2017′s slowly becoming stacked, and/or I’m an idiot.

Who won the week?

2017. Like? 2017.

2017: 13 2007: 12

Yooge opportunity for 2017 to widen this gap, too, so I’m stoked for a solid two weeks of Chainsmokers songs and memes. Anyway, THE IMPORTANT THING.

The Decade Dance Club

30 people have made or been featured on songs that charted in the years 2007 and 2017. They are: 1) Daddy Yankee (”Impacto,” “Shaky Shaky”) 2) Dierks Bentley (”Free & Easy,” “Black”) 3) Luke Bryan (”All My Friends Say,” “Fast”) 4) Gucci Mane (”Freaky Gurl,” “Make Love”) 5) Jason Aldean (”Johnny Cash,” “Any Ol’ Barstool”) 6) Lil Wayne (”Sweetest Girl” (feat), “Running Back” (feat)) 7) Missy Elliott (”Let it Go” (feat), “I’m Better”) 8) Maroon 5 (”Makes Me Wonder,” “Cold”) 9) Nick Jonas (”Year 3000″ (w/jobros), “Bom Bidi Bom”) 10) DJ Khaled (”We Takin Over,” “Shining”) 11) Beyonce (”Get Me Bodied,” “Shining”) 12) Jay-Z (”Blue Magic,” “Shining”) 13) Linkin Park (”What I’ve Done,” “Heavy”) 14) Rihanna (”Umbrella,” “Selfish” (feat)) 15) Josh Turner (”Me & God,” “Hometown Girl”) 16) Rick Ross (“We Takin Over” (feat), “Trap Trap Trap”) 17) Faith Hill (”I Need You,” “Speak to a Girl”) 18) Tim McGraw (”I Need You,” “Speak to a Girl”) 19) Miranda Lambert (”Famous in a Small Town,” “Tin Man”) 20) Enrique Iglesias (”Dimelo,” “Subeme la Radio”) 21) Flo Rida (”Low,” “Cake”) 22) Kenny Chesney (”Beer in Mexico,” “Bar at the End of the World”) 23) Paramore (”Misery Business,” “Hard Times”) 24) Miley Cyrus (”Nobody’s Perfect,” “Malibu”) 25) Blake Shelton (”Don’t Make Me,” “Every Time I Hear That Song”) 26) Shakira (”Beautiful Liar,” “Me Enamore”) 27) Rascal Flatts (”Stand,” “Yours if You Want It”) 28) Trey Songz (”Can’t Help But Wait,” “Nobody Else But You”) 29) Billy Currington (”Good Directions,” “Do I Make You Wanna”) 30) Wisin (”Sexi Movimento,” “Escapate Conmigo”)

Shout out to Wisin for making the list, too! So that’s 30, out of hundreds, who have had a career on the pop charts that spanned a decade. Specifically, the last ten years, there’s a few folks who’ve charted in 2017 that didn’t chart in 2007 despite being things back then, such as Darius Rucker, Eminem, John Legend, Mariah Carey, and Pharrell Williams. There’s also some folks who hit in 2008 that have hit in 2017, your Katy Perries and Ladies Antebellum, that cannot make this list because, hey, it’s kind of a dumb list. But music is dumb, and this list should illustrate how hard it is to last in the music business (unless you’re a dude who makes country music), which is why it’s vitally important we spend hours and hours dissecting Lil’ Yachty lyrics.