#But that's a really old post and why would you look through my vent posts

[frog-plague]

bro wtf was the interaction I had

Ah yes I haven't talked to you in a while after you caused me to split 4 times and crash 5 times and you decide "hey why not talk to this borderline stranger about trauma they didn't tell me about and learnt about through a 3rd party!" Wtf.

So after careful consideration and the jury of the discord server the block button has been pressed (love the discord peeps btw. They're awesome)

[bugflies00]

sorry this is referencing a few month old post/s you made about the dream situation and a question you’d asked about dream stans, you can delete this msg if you want since it’s not as relevant anymore. Again I’m sorry if this is weird or you don’t gaf (that’s fair bc who does lol)

TW for grooming and dream being fucking gross. You can just scroll fast and delete if you don’t want to read or deal with this, I understand that

-

To preface Im about Tommy’s age now, when I was 15-17, used to be a huge dream stan, and I was very vocal about defending him online. —I was extremely parasocial and weird, and looking back on it I really regret how I acted.

So. Idk how much people who weren’t stans of his saw, but dream- as stupid as it sounds- was our friend.

He had bath calls with us, sleep calls with us, he told us in depth about his personal life and his health issues and his trauma and his moods and his habits and just basically everything. Most of his interactions with us was through his discord, and then someone in the fandom would stream his discord calls for people who weren’t there. A running joke was that dream had a parasocial relationship with us. there was absolutely no gap between creator and fan, he followed me more than once, he brought fans onto his discord streams and talked with them and he knew a good amount of us by name. He called us cute and talked about how much we all (as individuals) meant to him,

when drama happened he’d usually either do a space/call or go on his private and vent to us, there were I think two separate times he’d have full panic attacks over drama happening, and we’d have to talk him down. He also would, when responding to callouts or accusations, use arguments that his fans were making.

He did this during almost all his pitfalls, including the grooming allegations, his wording was often taken word for word from tweets by people I was friends with. I dropped him after the initial allegations, but for a while after i still checked in bc i was really hoping he’d be innocent (he wasn’t) and i can confirm he still does this. He also regularly dmed his fans, mostly his black fans, to ask for “help” on being less racist.

I don’t use the word “grooming” lightly, but dream was and is absolutely grooming his audience. Thats why dream stans seem so cult-like these days. The amount of guiltripping, lying, forcing an us vs them mentality, and manipulation I saw this man pull was actually sick. He’d frequently, privately, to us, vent about tommy or quackity, and about how “all his friends hated him” and “we were all he had left” (legit, not joking). He is extremely good at emotional blackmail, he is good at making his fans hate other creators and turn on them, he is very good at utilizing his tears and using wording that he knows will make his mostly teenage fanbase think he’s a good kind person.

He wants to impress on his fans that he really was just a kind person, the only kind person and the only voice of reason. That’s why when the Cantu thing happened, he started posting “messages” of him being so kind to the Uber driver. He needs his fans to think he’s a kind and loving person, and that Tommy and quackity and literally everyone who’s pulled away from him was just a fake friend who couldn’t be trusted. He somehow was always, always the one being fucked over.

I remember when I told my friend about dream (this friend had a completely neutral opinion on him and barely knew the guy beyond his manhunts) and he told me that sounded like grooming.

He gradually isolated his (primarily young, female) fanbase using private accounts, discord calls, Snapchat, and whatever else. He got extremely personal with us far beyond the level any creator should be, he used kindness and flattery (like calling us “mature”. Also legit) to make us feel genuinely loved by him, again, NOT in the way a creator loves their fans. In the way a friend loves their friends, even in the way a partner loves their partner. He lashed out at us and had panic attacks when we did criticize him, he used tactics to make us think he was always right and good, and more than that, make all his detractors seem like terrible people out to get him AND us, he played himself out to be the perpetual victim and used carefully cut clips and emotional manipulation (like how he brought up his ~poor innocent family~ when harassing quackity. Weaponizing trauma like that was something he did ALL THE TIME to us whenever he was criticized.) in order to use us against people he didn’t like, making us take the bullet for him.

He uses his kindness and supposed goodness as a weapon, he used Tommy’s own trauma around doxxing against him when Tommy dared to criticize him (“I supported you when you were getting doxxed, yet you won’t do the same for me?”)

He used trauma to relate to his audience, making us feel like he was the only person who got it.

It’ll sound stupid, but it was genuinely really scarring. The way he made me and my friends feel was so confusing. I often found myself feeling used and violated, but also like I was in debt to him. I dreaded when he’d have fans on call, I dreaded him but also he felt like all I had. The tone of him and the fandom was that “we have to defend him at all costs, they’re out to get him and we’re the last line of support he has”. It was embarrassing, it was stressful, it was horrible. I wasted so much fucking time and energy on him.

it was really traumatic and distressing, especially as a teenager who’d already been at a vulnerable point and used him as an escape originally. I know that sounds melodramatic but I mean it.

He is a groomer through and through. He’s barely getting any new fans, but he’s barely losing any either bc the grasp he has on them is so tight.

Worst of all, if you leave the fandom, you’ll lose your friends and become an enemy. He encourages that behaviour and that mentality. He encourages harassment of his ex-friends, he encourages harassment of anyone who doesn’t like him. He wants you to feel like he’s the only good person, and like he’s the only one who will care about you. And I know at least in my experience that the way I acted when I was a fan of his did genuinely cause me to feel alienated in my social life. I lost friends, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone “safely”. That’s how he wants his fans to feel, because at some point he really is all you have.

And that’s why dream stans are still sticking around. It’s at the point where the only way they’ll leave is on their own volition, and the more publicly fucked shit he does, the less hope I have that they’ll do that.

i don’t have much to add but i agree, and several people i know who used to be big dream fans also agreed that there was a heavily insidious ‘us vs them’ atmosphere

[jybyls]

Letter || J.O

Materlist

Synopsis: Jenna received a letter from you.

Warnings: Angst, rushed, mental illness, and bad writing.

Words: 2.9k

- 📜🎧🍂 -

"You were my everything, but I had to let you go for your own good. I know that sounds like a lame excuse, but I promise it isn't. I would've broken you, and I'd never forgive myself if I had messed up such a loving and pure soul. You need someone who can treat you right. And I'm incapable of doing that. I'm too caught up in my own shit that I barely make time for you. You don't need me. You might think you do, but I assure you, you don't. I'm not the person you think I am. I'm a fucked up mess who needs help but not from you. You have your own issues and having do deal with me will only drown you. I'm grateful for you. Really. You mean so much to me, so much more than you imagine. I don't want to let you go, but I have to. I'm losing myself. My mind don't ever shuts down. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't move from bed, I can't talk, I can't do anything. I barely had the strength to write this, but I'm doing it for you, because it'll selfish to disappear without telling you why. At least a part of it. Every interest I had don't mean anything to me anymore. But you do. You mean the world for me and I can't let that world fall apart simply because I am not well. You have your friends and there are the greatest, you have your family who is just as lovely. I'm also grateful for them. And a little jealous of them, because they have you. I'm learning how to heal but it's not easy. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever heal. My scars are part of me. I know scars fade but those ones are too deep, they're into me now, and that's alright. I'll learn how to live with them. Or I'll try to. You helped me so much without even knowing it. You saved me, Jenna, you're my savior. I've never connected with someone the way I have with you. When I looked into your eyes, that sudden sense of hope came to me, a sense that I could if I had you by my side. But no one should be responsible for someone else's life. You know I live for the little things in life, the sunrises at 6 a.m the sunsets at 6 p.m, the smile a stranger gives you when you walk past them, old couples giving flowers to each other, but those things don't make me feel anything no more. I wanted you to see the person I hid so well, but you didn't. I don't blame you, I'm got good at hiding myself. But I can't escape this person anymore. I have to admit it to myself that this is who I am. An empty, cold, selfish, jerk with major mental illness. Be happy for me. Because I don't think I'll ever be able to feel any kind of happiness ever again. Smile for me. Because I lost mine forever. Laugh for me. Because you were the only thing that made me crakled. Live for me. Because I don't think I will make it.

I love you forever, Jenna Marie Ortega."

Tears fell down of her eyes. You weren't alright, and she didn't see it. How could she have missed it ? How could she forgive herself ? A thousand wonders went through her mind, but it was already too late. You have now left. Forever.

- 📜🎧🍂 -

A/n: I know I said the next post would be the Cairo fic, but yeah, I needed to vent, so maybe I could find my will to write again. Have a good day/night. Love y'all <3

[babyangelsky]

My Favorite Expressions in Love Sea Ep. 5

I love this show and everyone in it so so much. I know it's going to hurt me at some point but I don't even care because right now it is giving me absolutely everything I want.

Peat Wasuthorn Chaijindar, I truly and genuinely love every single thing you do with your face.

Also! If anyone would like to be tagged in these posts every week, do let me know!

I'll say it again: one of these men does not yet realize what they signed up for and it is not Mahasamut.

Tongrak is a prickly little cactus but he does care for Mut, and I love that he got to see Tongrak get worked up on his behalf.

Hearing Vivi say her name like that shorted a circuit in my frazzled girly Mook's brain.

And Vivi knows it.

I do love Vivi. I especially love the way she looks at Mook when she's venting. She may be a menace, her strategies may be unhinged, and she may like teasing Mook a little too much, but there's so much fondness in her expression when she's with Mook. She never interrupts, she just loves listening to that girl regardless of what Mook is saying.

Also shout out to the craft services auntie who heard Mook venting and brought her a treat. I would've done the same.

"I want to take care of your life," Mut says, stopping Tongrak's annoyance dead in its tracks. Mut's sweetness and earnestness are so disarming for Tongrak and I love the little moments where we get to see it.

"Let me take care of you." I wonder if anyone has ever said that to Tongrak and meant it.

However, I will be taking that "old-timer" personally, Mut. Tongrak and I are NOT OLD.

VIVI LOVES THAT GIRL. Mook could read her the dictionary and she would be enthralled by her voice the whole time and I will be dying on this hill.

"You don't even like women." Kaimook. Be so serious right now. Look at the way she looks at you! I refuse to allow you to join me in the circus, there will be no clown behavior from you, miss ma'am.

I am so very familiar with this look. I'm sure it's been on my face for at least half my life. It's the sort of profound exhaustion only someone with a difficult family understands. Your whole day is about to be ruined by a battle you don't want with a person you despise but not fighting it is not an option. I both love and hate how dead Peat's gaze managed to be because it hit so close to home.

911, yes hello, I would like to report an imminent murder.

Mut:

I could not love these men more. Truly I could not.

This woman really thought she could roll up to Tongrak's house and start saying whatever she wanted. She really thought she could fuck around and not find out. Tongrak and his face said no and also GET A JOB. FIND SOMETHING TO DO.

Unrelated sidenote, I loathe the little tone she uses to talk to him. I hope we never see her again.

The face of a man who has found the adequate weapon in his arsenal. Also, someone actually agreed to be in a relationship with her? I'll send the poor S.O.B. a condolence card in the morning.

Peat really decided to hurt my feelings today because I know that look too. That's the expression of someone who's a hairsbreadth away from a breakdown after using up every ounce of bravery they possess. I'm surprised he didn't start crying on the stairs on the way to his bedroom.

There's so much I want to say about this scene in Tongrak's bedroom but I'll give it its own post.

All I'll say here is that it really is the littlest things, the smallest acts of kindness that end up pushing you even further over the edge. Why isn't it possible to hug someone through a screen?

Mut called Prin a diabolical brat and that's her name in Tongrak's phone and that's why they're soulmates. It's science.

THOSE ARE HEART EYES, KHUN TONGRAK. Mut is siding with you against your shitty family! THAT'S BEST BOY BEHAVIOR AND YOU KNOW IT.

Mut's just like me fr.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i cut off someone reaching out for help on tumblr? i am a very anxious person. ive been on tumblr a very long time because most all other social media terrifies me as someone who grew up with the wild west internet a decade past (im in my late 20s) so i feel sometimes with how reckless and spurractic people can be online in chatroom and especially clearly public platforms where any stranger, malicious or otherwise can just archive your digital presence for personal use.

more recently as someone who has been here during the pornban and as an asexual really enjoyed the quiet with no drama farming and a slow pace to talk about more unique political topics in a measured way it is something im strangely nostalgic for and a great example of my sensibilities to people when they insist that i use other platforms like discord or twitter or whatever clone for these services comes out of the old guard introducing feature creep to copy everyone else or any other indi "were the anti corporate version" of the endless scroll apps. i just dont want it. tumblr is special because im desktop only, been here for years, and i have kept track of every single change made so i have manually adjusted the change through hacks to evade every bad decision on here and make my set up look identical to how it was in 2010. so let it be understood that i tend to be a loney person because of this stubbornness. web 3.0 is too dangerous to people with addictive tendencies that my adhd brings out and my need to wear my heart on my sleeve. so i hope i defended my personality type enough to show why someone like me would see a post about some horrible abuses they have fell victim to who also share alot of the marginalized status as me and writing depressive things in the replys of others posts as to attention seek about it.

i directly interact with this person, not only to check if they are real (but wow, modern chat bots make this part horrifying for me. we really cant ever know for sure what is real anymore. trying to find warmth on the internet feels impossible now a days) i have multiple conversations at this point both venting and just casually shooting the shit. but the begging for me to constantly repost their paypal makes me so nervous in a way that i feel so guilty for because it reminds me of all the scams that get associated with this kind of ebegging and the reminder that capitalism takes away all warmth from human interaction to make them purely transnational and conditional. but then it just has been escalating where im so scared that now its not enough that im reposing on my 8 follower, all mutual blog, they are asking me to share it on other socials. accounts i do not have i have a flip phone and a laptop and i am tinkering with a windows 7 tower that will never be connected to the internet so i can always have software sit perfectly in its time capsule for when i need it. i do not have a way to help this person outside of what i learned from collage psyche classes. a part of me is so scared to just abruptly cut them off and just delete my entire account like i tend to do often on tumblr for a multitude of reasons, its a part of what lets people survive being here this long but i worry that would crush them if i did that, i dont want to make them feel more hopeless and unwanted then they already talk about. but i am text on the internet through a screen. i can only do so much. so would i be the asshole if i just deleted my account with a "i hope you hang in there, the world is a harsh place but keep moving" to cut someone so similar to me who is struggling out of my life?

What are these acronyms?

[crow-hoards-things]

The Bad Batch Series Finale

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is a vent post. I’m angry and hurt. After I get this out of my system I’ll be more open to discussing the positives of the episode.

Warnings: Ranting, Spoilers

Hooo boy. Okay. I am… less than satisfied?

Quick rundown since I haven’t posted much of anything Bad Batch related: Tech is my favorite Batch member, immediately followed by Crosshair. I’m also a HUGE Republic Commando Nerd (read all the books, played the game, despised Bad Batch as a whole initially because I felt the commandos were being unfairly ignored, can sing + translate Vode An, etc.) and Scorch was my favorite Delta. The Bad Batch grew on me shortly after Season 1 finished up, and I immediately latched onto Tech when I began watching. He’s the reason I watched the first two seasons. (Crosshair + delusions about Tech were the combined force behind watching the final season)

NOW, onto my actual thoughts on the episode, in no semblance of order because my brain is still trying to process, Ft. Cry count:

• Wish Tech was here. He would’ve loved the Zillo being freed.

• “‘Cause I’d do the same thing” no you wouldn’t. Fives would’ve. The you I fell in love with would’ve yelled at Fives about it being a terrible idea and then promptly gone along with it anyway. That said it was a really cute moment and I loved his nonchalant little “come on” afterwards.

• C: “Echo or Omega?” W&H: “Omega” THEY KNOW THEIR GIRL SO WELL

• When Hemlock went to get the operatives I got excited thinking maybe, just maybe we’d get Tech back.

• CROSSHAIR LOST HIS FREAKING HAND!?!? WHAT THE HECK!?! I will never stop being salty about this. He’s been through enough. [Near Tears]

• Rampart sucks

• Nala Se got to blow stuff up and I appreciate that even if I don’t really like her

• I’m glad Wrecker’s okay. He had me scared for a bit. Hunter, conversely, never really did? He’s Omega’s Dad, he had to survive.

• Did anybody else see that one operative whose helmet seemingly had goggles built into it? We had a lingering shot on his helmet for a few seconds and they looked like a red version of Tech’s goggles.

• SCORCH IS DEAD AND YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE I’M MAD ABOUT IT! [First shedding of tears]

• HECK YEAH, HEMLOCK IS DEAD!!! [Tears of relief combined with grief over Scorch]

• I’m so glad Omega hugged Crosshair first. I fully expected her to just run to Hunter, and Crosshair needed that hug.

• Echo’s goodbye was disrespectful. 0/10. He’s family and they don’t even care that he’s leaving???

• SOMEONE IS MISSING FROM OUR NICE LITTLE GROUP SHOT!

• I never really got super invested in the dynamic between Omega and Hunter, but the ending between them was cute I guess.

• We were robbed. We could’ve gotten Crosshair and Wrecker as old men and we were robbed.

• Tech is dead. Like, seriously, really and truly, dead. As a delusional “Tech’s alive guys, trust me” fan, it feels like he just died all over again. I’ll talk more about this later because I’m not over it. [Que sob-fest]

alright, circling back around to my main gripes, in order of appearance:

#1. Scorch.

I hate how they handled him. At first when he showed up I got super excited. That was my boy! In the Bad Batch show!! He’s making an appearance!!! Maybe they’ll do something with the Delta boys!!

Even as the episodes went on and I started to suspect where his path was leading, I consistently would go “Scorch!!! <3” every episode, because that is my boy and I love him dearly.

The levels of offended I am on Scorch’s behalf are not within my ability to express with words. The complete and utter disrespect he was shown over his time on the show is appalling. Why bring him in if you’re going to drain him of all his personality, make him have zero plot relevance, and then murder him?! They could easily have made a new clone for that, as seen by the number of operatives who exist and got 0.5 minutes of screen time.

But no. They brought in a beloved character with 10 seconds of canonical screen time prior, stripped him of everything that made him lovable, didn’t even have him DO ANYTHING, and then murdered him. It feels like a spit in the face and a kick to the gut all at once.

I will mourn. I’ve already cried and I’ll probably cry again. But right now I’m angry and I think Scorch deserves to have people be angry about how he was treated.

#2. Tech

Yes. I admit to having been a “trust me guys, Tech’s alive” person. I will also admit that at the end of episode 13 I wanted him to stay dead because I had zero faith they could satisfactorily bring him back.

My gripe is not with him staying dead. Yes, it feels like losing him all over again. Yes, I will mourn him again. Yes. That sucks. It’s not what’s making me mad.

What makes me mad is how his death was handled.

• It served ZERO purpose narratively other than to up the stakes and make us worry about whether anyone else would die (Spoiler alert: They didn’t. Tech was the only one who died) • Nobody mourned him. No one seemed affected by his death at all. No one cared. I don’t care what anyone says, that will NEVER be okay. • The first actual mention of Tech *dying* was in the finale. Sure, we’ve had name drops and goggle appearances, but actually talking about what happened? One line. One. Freaking. Line.

I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face, you know? He deserved better and so did we. He was a part of that family and they couldn’t even be bothered to address the responses to his death. He was beloved by many of us and they couldn’t even respect him or his fans enough to treat his death like something to be mourned.

That’s wrong, no matter how you look at it.

[yarameijer]

Hi again 👋,I am here after reading chapter 42 of accidental reverse and it's epic,it was definitely worth the long wait,I am a sucker for tenma&shuu and tenma& shindou friendship,so,I can't wait for the next one, How's recovery going,well I hope. love from Hana

So,one thing that really bothers me about inazuma eleven is that they gloss over relationships that are important.I get this anime mostly focuses on soccer,but still,I thought about and tenma got betrayed 4 times in the series,4 Times,That's insane

First,shuu: I don't like that they completely glossed over this in the movie,I get that they didn't know each other for long,but tenma trusted him and shuu clearly knew they'd be playing against each other,being part of the team that beat raimon up, completely disregarding tenma's reaction,not patting an eye at tenma's best friend being locked in a cage like an animal.no matter how you look at it, that's a betrayal,I know the "fixed things"at the end of the movie,bit, tenma must've been hurt that someone he trusted betrayed him from the very beginning but shuu didn't apologize and I hate that.

Next, taiyou :I talked about this one in my previous post,What Taiyou did even without telling gouenji about anything interesting tenma told him(because that's not canon),what he did is a huge betrayal,Not telling tenma when he knew of his involvement in the revolution,acting cold and rude during their match,lying to his friend's face, completely disregarding his friend's feelings.That's a huge betrayal and I wish they payed attention to it,it was overshadowed by shindou breaking his leg and again tenma must've been hurt.

Next,Fei: this one's self explanatory,He apologized and I guess he betrayed all of raimon,but again,He and tenma were definitely the closest and he was hurt.

Next,The one that hurt him the most, tsurugi:I don't think I have to explain this and my hand's tired.

Not to mention that tge team treated him horribly in the beginning,like,shindou literally beat a junior up and I know he was upset,I know he was angry,but that doesn't excuse it,He's older and he should've taken it easy on a newbie who helped them before.and he never apologized.

Kurama was definitely the worst,He was rude,cold and blamed tenma for literally everything wrong in the club which is ridiculous and he never apologized.

The rest of the team, basically stood by and watched,The only ones on tenma's side from the very beginning are shinsuke and Aoi,which is why I love this trio and I think it should get more love.

So,my point is that everyone treated tenma horribly,no one apologized except for Fei and those betrayals must've hurt.

I want these guys to realize they messed up when they see tenma being hesitant to tell them something or see him more comfortably sharing things with, let's say,earth eleven more than them, specifically Taiyou and shuu.

Could you write a drabble about it.

Sorry,this is so long.I read A.R chapter 42 and came to vent.

Love you ❣️

Oh boy do I have feelings about this.

Through the years of writing stories, as I grew older, I started looking deeper into the characters' mindsets, to try and give them a more realistic and individual representation. This means it isn't always in line with what is shown in the anime, but I don't really mind. Tenma's character is pretty interesting to me because of three reasons: his cheerful attitude, his insecurities, and being allowed to move miles away from home at age eight.

The first two are quite well known in the fandom already and more people have experimented with it, but it's the third one I rarely see. Someone even told me it wasn't a big deal.

Is it really, though? What would such a thing do to a child? What kind of family situation would it be for parents to allow their eight-year-old kid to move several hundred miles away, for years? I get that he wanted to play at Raimon and that they were supporting him - but he started that school at age 12/13, so why would he be sent to Inazuma Town four years before he could even attend Raimon? It doesn't mean Tenma's parents are bad or abusive, but it does imply there's a more complicated situation, one that could actually explain quite a lot of Tenma's insecurities. It's just something that's been keeping my mind occupied lately, and I'm planning to use it in my stories more. 

All in all, I feel like Tenma's character can be quite complicated, without a ridiculously complicated and tragic backstory. It just doesn't fit, y'know? And it's a bit too cliché for me. Putting that aside for now, there's also one more specific characteristic I've given the Tenma in my stories: he has a hard time opening up, which means I'm not sure whether the issues you mentioned are ones he would just talk about. The Tenma I'm writing is much more likely to try to deflect a topic so I don't think I can fully 'finish' this? The issue won't be resolved by the end of the drabble because healing takes time, and I think I might build on this idea in future chapters more. I'll try my best though! And I didn't include Earth Eleven cuz they didn't seem right for this role. Instead Aoi gets some more love XD

So, just a warning, I have an idea for the start of this drabble but beyond that, my mind is blank. I have no idea what I'm about to write so bear with me here, and let's hope it's not too messy.

------------

Tenma has never had a lot of friends.

He told his yearmates, once, when they were hanging out at his house. Kariya and Hikaru had been talking about the team, about how much fun every day was, about how they weren't used to it. Tenma, relaxed and content and safe, agreed.

They'd been surprised, a little disbelieving. They were nice about it! But Kariya's, "For real? Could've fooled me!" had stuck with him, no matter how teasing it had sounded.

It's the truth, though. Before Raimon he'd had Aoi, and one or two people he would sit with during lunch at school, but that was about it.

He loves Inazuma Town, now more than ever - but making the switch from his relatively small seaside hometown to this busy Tokyo district was hard, harder than he'd admitted to anyone but himself. It's not that he didn't want to, but... Aki always got so sad when Tenma was sad and he could see her brightening whenever he said he was happy (and he was!) and okay. He didn't understand it fully back then, but he thinks he's starting to. Aki had been so young.

(Sometimes he's guilty, for putting more weight on her shoulders. For making her look after him when she was barely in her twenties.

Sometimes he's angry at his parents for putting such a burden on her. For ever getting it in their minds to ask their young cousin to be responsible for an eight-year-old child.

Sometimes he's angry at them for allowing him to go in the first place.

Most often, though, he's angry at them for making him want to.)

Tenma was in a new town, living with a relative he barely knew, and painfully shy. His soccer obsession didn't exactly help - everyone likes soccer, of course, how could they not when seeing all those hissatsu? But they don't live and breathe it like he does, like his teammates do. When the kids in his neighborhood found out that soccer was all he ever focused on, they lost interest in him pretty quickly.

(Most of them, at least, and the ones who didn’t - well, their interest wasn’t exactly a good thing.)

Aoi was an exception. But, Tenma has long since realized, Aoi is absolutely crazy in her own, hidden way (she'd have to be, to put up with their team's shenanigans).

Anyway.

Tenma isn't very experienced in the friends department, as surprising as many people seem to find it. He's never really cared, to be honest. He'd had Aoi and Aki and Sasuke and he found out early on that a lot of people just don't care. Fighting that never worked out for him, so why bother?

"Tenma!"

The sudden call has him looking up, brought back to the present.

Shindou has twisted around in his seat. He looks vaguely annoyed. "Finally. What's got you so distracted?"

Tenma blinks. "I'm sorry, senpai," he responds automatically, surprised by his own absentmindedness. He didn't expect to be so caught up in his daydreams with his entire team around him - the noise level in the bus is, as usual with them, high, and the air is filled with a familiar excitement at the prospect of a match, especially after so long.

"It's fine," the strategist sighs, a smile finally pulling at his lips that Tenma would almost call fond. "Just don't zone out all day, alright? We can't afford that when facing Arakumo Academy."

"Right," the captain agrees easily.

He expects that to be the end of it because Shindou is turning around in his seat again, leaving Tenma to his thoughts once more - but it isn’t.

"This is the second time you're distracted when we're playing against Arakumo," someone else drawls - Tsurugi, who's seated on the opposite side of the bus aisle, arms crossed and lounging in his chair like a king. "I'm starting to suspect a pattern."

Tenma, for lack of a better reaction, smiles and shrugs. He doesn't know what to say to that, because it's true.

Their last, and first, match against Arakumo wasn't his finest moment, he’ll readily admit.

Thankfully Tsurugi doesn't care much for his lack of reaction, focusing once more on the book he was reading. Tenma watches him for a moment, and then looks out of the window again.

He knows it's bound to get his mind wandering again, and he's not in the mood for another scolding, but there's not much else to do. Shinsuke next to him is playing a game on his phone, Hayami and Hamano in the row in front of him are discussing homework. Everyone else is either caught up in their own conversations or seated too far away to comfortably converse with.

Tenma starts tapping a mindless rhythm on his knee to keep himself in the present. He's restless. Hopefully the match will get him out of his head - he's not even sure why he's so distracted.

(That's a lie.)

He should be fine, right?

Everything's fine.

It all worked out.

School has started again after the summer holidays - of which he spent the first half in space. It still feels unreal to him, despite over a month having passed.

Not much else happened during the holidays. He'd caught a plane to Okinawa and stayed there pretty much until school started again, only returning to Tokyo a day and a half before. It had been nice to be back home, spending most of his time on the beach or exploring the familiar streets or practicing soccer by himself. He’s gotten sufficiently tanned, as well, and it was pretty funny to see Tsurugi’s annoyance at that once he got back.

This is their first match after the break - school's been in for only a week - and beneath the excitement, there's some nervous energy too. Arakumo is one of their most challenging opponents and they all know it.

At least it's only a friendly match instead of anything tournament-related, so the usual pressure of winning (especially when trying to lead a revolution against a deluded tyrant organization) is absent. Maybe, Tenma muses, that's why he's so distracted.

The fact that this is the first time he'll be playing against Taiyou since their argument doesn't exactly help. They've talked about it at length, and they've tentatively been texting and even hung out once over the summer, but there's a sense of discomfort that they're still trying to get past. Tenma, if only in his own mind, can admit he's worried about how any competitive interaction will affect them.

He doesn't want to lose Taiyou's friendship, but…

The brunet sighs and shakes his head. At this rate he's just going to keep on being distracted, and inevitably disappoint his team. He doesn't want to take that risk for their first match after such a long break.

Or, any match, really.

Especially not after-

Well.

After.

(He still cannot help but feel a bit jumpy, after all the arguments with Shindou during the Grand Celesta Galaxy, after Tsurugi’s kidnapping, after, after, after.

It had felt like he'd been on thin ice when he first joined the team, but that sensation had slowly but surely faded as he found his place.

Now, after, he hates that he's once more double-checking his every action. Hates that he's lost the sense of security in where he stands that had been near unshakable before the Grand Celesta Galaxy.)

Tenma is, once again, brought back to the present, this time because their bus is slowing to a stop. A glance out of the window tells him all he needs to know, and he hides a grimace.

Seems like they have arrived at Arakumo Academy.

------------

Raimon reaches their destination right on schedule, Shindou is glad to note. They'd left early so they'd have enough time to get ready and go over their strategy before the game starts, as they usually do, but Arakumo is a challenging enough opponent that any extra time is welcome.

They're guided over the campus in the direction of the soccer stadium and Shindou takes in the sights with mild interest. It's been a while since he's visited Arakumo - their previous match had been in one of Fifth Sector's stadiums. The prestigious academy hasn't changed much. It certainly lives up to its reputation, not quite as large as Teikoku's buildings, but nothing to look down on either. It's got a more serious appearance than Raimon, with red-toned walls and roofs with cloud patterns.

However, Raimon is here for a match, not to play tourist, and soon they find themselves in their assigned dressing room to get ready for the match. It's as the team is entering the room, getting ready to change out of their training suits, that a ringtone disrupts the usual chatter.

It's uncommon enough that Shindou finds himself glancing up, involuntarily raising his eyebrows as Tenma scrambles for his phone. He catches the captain's gaze and Tenma shoots him an apologetic look while he answers the call. “Hello?”

Shindou turns away and smiles at Kirino on his other side as he reaches for his bag, but despite his wish to give his captain some privacy, they’re right next to each other. It’s impossible not to overhear the one-sided conversation.

“I apologize, this isn't really the right time,” he hears Tenma say, sounding genuinely sorry and surprisingly formal. “I'm playing a match in-”

The brunet falls silent for several moments after the, assumed, interruption. Shindou unzips the jacket of his training suit and shrugs it off his shoulders. He's already wearing his uniform underneath the track suit, so he won't take long changing.

Next to him, Tenma starts talking again. “I understand, but I,” and falls silent yet again. Shindou frowns.

Something about the way his captain keeps on halting in the middle of his sentences seems a little odd. Shindou finds himself halting his movements, unable to keep himself from looking over at his young friend. It's not on purpose, but he's always believed in the worth of information, and something about the increasing tension in Tenma's voice raises his guard.

‘’Yes, I do understand, but is it really not possible?’’ The brunet in question is clutching his phone, lips pulled into a frown while his other hand holds on tightly to the edge of the bench. Whatever he's being told clearly affects him, and whatever reply he receives has his shoulders drooping visibly as he says, ‘’I know, but it was scheduled months ago…’’

It takes Shindou a second to classify the tone in Tenma's voice - not disappointed, but… resigned?

Whatever this conversation is that Tenma is now being forced to share with the entire team, it doesn't reassure Shindou in the slightest.

And it's clear he's not the only one. Although they're trying to hide it, the strategist notices several of his friends shooting worried glances at their captain, and the usual rambunctious chatter is muted. It’s by accident that Shindou and Tsurugi lock eyes over Tenma’s head, but it’s clear to both - they’re equally confused.

Tenma hasn’t hinted at any issue to either of them, and Shindou doesn’t quite know how to feel about that realization. He doesn’t mean to assume, but… well, as far as he knows, the brunet is an open book.

Especially to him and Tsurugi, or so Shindou had thought.

(Tenma respects him, he knows. It's clear the young brunet values his opinion, but he's also comfortable enough to approach Shindou with his issues and insecurities. To ask for help. To let himself be vulnerable.

Shindou appreciates that, could even say he's honored by the faith the brunet puts in him.

So to find out there's apparently something - a situation that seems to be the norm rather than the exception, based on Tenma's reaction - that has such an impact on the brunet, which he hasn't even hinted at towards Shindou nor Tsurugi…

Well, it throws him off more than he thought it would.)

The captain doesn't seem to have noticed the slowly increasing attention on him, too focused on whatever conversation he's having. One that's clearly not going well. “Are you certain?” he asks, sounding dull, and Shindou grimaces. That sounds very different from the Tenma he's used to, and it feels wrong.

‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to complain.’’

That is…

Shindou has to look away from Tenma then. He can’t stand the sight of him so muted, so wrong, and he gets the feeling he is intruding on something he has no right to know about.

Instead he exchanges a look with Kirino next to him, the defender appearing just as startled as the strategist imagines he himself looks.

‘’Alright. I understand.’’ The words are mumbles but where they would otherwise have gone unheard, now the team has become silent enough for it to be picked up. ‘’Right. Goodbye, then.”

Tenma hangs up and drops his phone carelessly in his bag. Then he sighs softly, staring at the ground for several seconds before getting to his feet with the intent to get changed.

Shindou debates saying something, thoroughly unsettled because he's seen Tenma worried, sad and even angry a few times, but this… this is somehow worse. Clearly upset about something and yet shrugging it off completely at the same time. He's got no idea how to handle this new side of his friend, and he doesn't like it one bit.

He doesn’t seem to be the only one doubting themselves, something hesitant in the air as the team waits - for what, Shindou can’t quite tell. For Tenma to explain? The captain doesn’t even seem to notice their focus on him as he pulls off his suit jacket, but the strategist can’t help but wonder if that’s really the case. Either the brunet is so lost in his own thoughts he doesn’t notice the unusual quiet in the changing room, or he’s pretending.

It’s Tsurugi who breaks first, and Shindou feels a little relieved. Whatever issue Tenma may be facing, his guess is that he'll most easily open up to either Shinsuke, Tsurugi, or Shindou himself. He's never asked for the details but he knows Tenma and Tsurugi share a lot - Tsurugi about his brother and his time as a Seed, and Tenma about his insecurities.

“What was that all about?” the striker mumbles from the brunet’s other side, a quiet offer to talk about it.

Tenma stills in the midst of securing the captain's band around his arm.

He doesn't even look at his best friend and there's a sudden, horrid feeling of dread in the pit of Shindou's stomach that he doesn't know the origin of.

“Nothing to concern yourself with,” Tenma says evenly, and that's it. He goes back to changing like nothing happened. Like his team didn't just watch him act more cautious and restrained than he did while they traveled to the future.

He hadn't even hesitated.

Hadn't even seemed to consider talking to his team - and sure, that might not be considered odd if it were anyone else, but this is Raimon. They are arguably closer than any other team, after everything they've faced together. It's their whole thing, their never ending support of each other and their strong bonds, the reason they've made it this far, and if there's anyone who enforces that stereotype, it's Tenma.

And yet he hadn't even spared Tsurugi a single glance as he'd answered.

Shindou doesn't know what to think.

With the sudden, painful, and most importantly unusual sense of awkwardness in the air, Raimon finishes getting changed. Coach Endou shows up not long after, as bright and enthusiastic as he always is, and at least that manages to lighten the mood a little. He repeats their strategy once more, supported by Haruna refreshing the most important data on the Arakumo team, and the boys listen intently to his advice until he dismisses them with a few minutes to spare.

There's chatter in the changing room again, the excitement at the prospect of a match against a team as challenging as Arakumo resurfacing, and yet Shindou still finds himself watching his captain.

The brunet doesn't join in on any conversations, lips thin and shoulders still a bit tense.

He approaches Aoi.

The girl looks up from where she's preparing towels for the boys for later, her smile fading the moment she catches sight of him in favor of a frown. “Are you okay?” she asks.

Tenma mutely shakes his head, eyes downcast.

Aoi reaches out for him, catching him by the shoulder. She seems worried, but there's something in the way she approaches the brunet that seems to speak of experience.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Tenma, finally, cracks a smile. “Later,” he tells her. “Wanna join Aki-nee and I for dinner?”

The girl immediately brightens, both at the offer and the prospect of supporting her childhood friend. “I'd love to. I'll let my parents know, do I need to text Aki-san for you?”

“Please.”

The whole interaction speaks of familiarity and care. Shindou, objectively, knew they were friends, childhood friends. Knew they live in the same neighborhood, knew they hang out together often.

Knowing is different from seeing.

The way Aoi had immediately seen something was up, the way she'd known exactly how to react. How Tenma talks to her so easily when he'd seemed painfully uncomfortable with the team, had, in fact, approached her himself because he wanted to talk. The easy invitation for dinner, something they're apparently both so used to that they hadn't even considered that either Aoi's parents or Tenma's guardian could have any problem with the sudden change of plans.

There's a trust there. A trust that, until ten minutes ago, Shindou had believed to extend to the rest of the team.

As the two first-years keep talking, Tenma smiling once more, the strategist is suddenly struck with the feeling he just intruded on something private yet again. He turns away sharply.

And catches Tsurugi's gaze once more.

Seems like he wasn't the only one keeping an eye on Raimon's wayward captain - and from the frown pulling at Tsurugi's lips, it's clear the striker recognized the same thing he did.

Tsurugi is far too good at masking his emotions, but for once Shindou can make out the confusion - and dare he say the hurt - in his eyes.

Though neither of them says a word, there's a quiet understanding between them.

For all that Tenma seems to depend on them, in the span of a single phone call it has become painfully clear that there’s a boundary that neither of them had been aware of before.

And Shindou can’t help but wonder why that doesn’t surprise him as much as he thought it would.

------------

Okay, so I tried to include Taiyou like you asked, but he didn’t want to be written. Neither did Raimon really realize they ‘messed up’, as you said, rather it’s a slow suspicion creeping up on them. This is sort of the start of the process in which Raimon realizes, ‘oh, wait, something isn’t exactly right here’.

That’s also because I’ve got some more things planned for them. Tenma has issues, but he’s also not the person to acknowledge them, or blame Raimon for their actions - but it still bothers him unconsciously and I’m hoping to build on that. Rather than outright telling Raimon, or even showing there’s a problem, he’d prefer to ignore his own feelings on the matter. He’s just not the type of person to keep grudges or blame others.

And then there's the rest of the team to consider - there's other people who still have opinions on what happened at the start of the year, but simply haven't brought it up while they were dealing with evil organizations and time traveling. Midori, for example, won't stay silent forever, and she's certainly no fan of how Tenma and Shinsuke were treated in the beginning.

Also, that phone call is actually important, but in the AR timeline is also something Tenma only faces during the third-year, AKA two years from this point in time. Very slow-going, basically, which is again why this drabble doesn't really solve anything.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed (despite the long wait, sorry about that)!

[possiblylando]

Some of my HTP theories

(Mostly about future plotpoints) 1. Big D looking so young is a plot point and not just a reference to TTS. You probably get what I'm going to say so let's just do some math. We know Markus is at least 30. We'll lowball and say he's 32 since birthday remarks make it sound like it wasn't recent. We know Door is older than Markus. Boy is 11 (as of current) and if we Lowball door's age again (35, 3 year age gap which I doubt is correct) he could've had boy when he was around 24. Then if we assume D had Door in this early 20s, We'll say 20 exactly as another lowball. That would place D at bare minimum 55 years old. My actual estimate is somewhere between 60-70. Yet he has no notable greying hair (ignoring lighting highlights) and is built like a brick shithouse who's able to manhandle brock of all people. As such it makes logical sense to assume there's some fuckery going on with how D ages (or doesn't). I doubt D is a vampire- or was a vampire I saw that theory awhile ago on reddit. What I think is more likely is that he gained immortality through mage fuckery. There's a character in Dorohedoro who's an old man but he got hit by age reduction magic so he's stuck being physically like 14. I think D has something similar going on. 2. Door is going to leave the family. I was thinking of saying "Door will betray the family" but that doesn't really fit. D's biggest flaw is that he's too secretive. There's currently no evidence that he's even told the rest of the family about Kevin being alive. Markus has some inkling of it because of the cop but I doubt he's put anything together. We all of course know Kevin is genuinely on D's side now, but Kevin can't be kept a secret forever. Eventually his existence is going to come out and when it does, I can not foresee a future where Door is happy about it. Door was willing to forgive D's secrets because they were to protect the family. But if he finds out D has been keeping a vampire alive and as an ALLY no less I can see that trust crumble down. Door has of course made his opinions on vampires VERY clear. As such if he finds out about Kevin not from D but from another incident he's going to have to make a choice. -Either stick to his morals and leave the family to hunt vampires on his own (maybe taking boy with him). -Or accept that his entire worldview on vampires is flawed and some of them can be saved. 3. Grimal is the ghoul, But she won't die. This kind of ties into the previous one as well. I went over a good chunk of the evidence surrounding Grimal being the ghoul in another post. I'll quickly summarize it here; -Grimal is known to crawl through the vents -She was in the security room when Occam was attack and the only way to get into the vault is through the door or air vents. -If she has vampire magic it could explain why brock's knives all broke when he tried to use them. -She has attachments to the people at the arcanum so wouldn't want to kill them. Which is why Occam didn't die. There's of course more evidence but this is all just summary. Now my actual theory is that Grimal is going to be found out and either D, Markus, or Kitten will go up to bat for her and this is when D will reveal he has a way to deal with ghouls. We know from Kevin that being a ghoul is similar to the blood pact where you're basically completely fucked and under control of your superior. Which is why I could see them trying to help her. Now think back to Guy Chapman, he hasn't actually served much purpose in the story being a ghoul. His existence is world building. It shows that ghouls can be anyone and anywhere. He also shows that ghouls can switch masters like he switched to Kevin. The idea is that Guy is set up so that when Grimal eventually undergoes the same thing it won't be an asspull/reveal it'll be an extension of pre-established mechanics. Door will of course NOT be happy about this.

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

Salutations! Yesterday, I had the fortune to enjoy the rain for a while and jump into some puddles, it was fun hoohoo. When I went home, I realized that it could be a good writing prompt for my mutual —you!—, so...

What would the mercs do if they saw a puddle of water?

TF2 Mercs Reactions To Finding A Puddle After It Rains!

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THIS IS SO CUTE!

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I'm glad you enjoyed the rain and the puddles! Also, the fact that people do things and then think of me is just so ugh I love it 😭

Mutual appreciation comment! Love you and your posts. I also love the fact that we both love the same silly old German man 💖

Also I'm totally not putting off my actual work I should be doing to do multiple headcanon lists. Nope, not me. (Also also this is a great alternative to crying over the fact that I lost my keys for a second time)!

BUT ENOUGH VENTING LETS GET TO THIS PROMT!

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Demo- I'd like to think he'd be down for splashing around and having a good time, but this is Demo we're talking about so.... he definitely slipped, cracked his head, and passed out. Once he wakes up though he tries again and has a good time.

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Engie- Not really a fan of jumping in puddles, more of a fan of watching the water ripple and move when you walk through them. If no ones around he might even find a couple of rocks and drop them to see what the water does.

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Heavy- Unless the puddle is like really big, I don't really see him jumping in one. HOWEVER. Likes the noises that water makes when you walk through it. He thinks the small splashing noises are cute!

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Medic- I know he's an old man. I know this, I understand this, I've accepted this. Doesn't change the fact that he is, in fact, a little German boy who has, on more than one occasion, said "Yippee!' upon seeing something he was really excited about. This man would jump in a puddle no hesitation, and he'd have fun too, sure he'd look insane to any rational passerby, but he doesn't care. What do you expect from a man this silly? ALSO, if Archimedes is with him, he'll also splash in the puddle for fun, Silly man has a silly bird, who would have guessed?

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Scout- "Why would I jump in a puddle, only like little kids and babies do that." The second no one else is around this man is splashing around in a puddle. He's hyper aware of what's going on around him though, lest he be caught having fun. Because having fun is super lame and embarrassing right guys?

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Sniper- Another case of pretending they don't want to do that but would actually have fun if they did. He's not really used to doing "childish." things as an adult. But maybe if he saw another merc doing it, he could be persuaded to join in.

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Spy- He wouldn't. He just wouldn't. He's the kind of dude who would lay something down to walk over a puddle. He physically cringes if he has to step in a puddle. He's just a baby about it.

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Soldier- HE'D HAVE SO MUCH FUN! The only merc who could possibly have more fun is Pyro, but we'll get to them in a minute. Will jump in a puddle, no hesitation. Splashes around and has a good time, and he genuinely enjoys the little things in life!

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Pyro- Has the most fun out of everyone! He loves it when it rains, ironically enough. They definitely have paper boats they put in the puddles and little rubber ducks in the deeper ones. Will stay outside for hours after it rains. They love it so much, they get so happy. They even have white polkadot rainboots.

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Ahhhh! This was so fun. Thank you for requesting this. I hope you like it 💖

[feelingsstorm]

Well, I never thought I would write something like this again on this blog, and there will be many who are not interested or care about this, but I write it for my conscience.

I opened this account many many years ago, in another life it seems, when I was very young, innocent, and broken, probably if you go down far enough you will find old posts of mine, despite having deleted several, it was a blog that I did not use much, more than anything I used it to vent and feel accompanied in my depression.

Nowadays, despite having worked hard on myself, some days are very difficult anyway, I turned my content to something "more sexual" because in some way it helps me, and it always has, even in my worst moments, I resorted to porn and masturbating to help me, it may not make much sense to some, but it does to me.

That being said, I am a grown woman today, doing the best I can, bad days and all, I try to put all the will I have into it to go forward. For starters, at least I don't hate myself constantly anymore, I've learned to love myself in spirit and in the way I look, and I work really hard for that, I'm a real person. Having gone through such a bad time in my life, I never judged or treated someone badly for their physique and I plan to not start now, if I'm not interested or attracted to them I let it go and that's it, so in that sense, I don't understand the need to comment negatively about me 😒.

I am aware of how I look, I have a mirror in my house, I'm not a model or the stereotype of a woman or a porn actress, I'm real, and I'm a great woman. And it's not an ego thing, I know how to fuck, I know how to please and I know how to make people feel good in sex, that's real and better than any false promise made online. So I'm not going to allow some random guy to come and downgrade me just because he doesn't see what he wants on my blog. Clearly, I can't upload porn videos because they'll close my account and also, why would I do it for free? I've never charged for any of this, I've done it because I like it, but believe it or not, I don't live to please others, I please myself, I'm the only one who counts, you guys have a ton of free content of all kinds at your fingertips but the problem is me? That I don't show enough? Get a life...

Finally I add, despite what I publish do not forget that behind all the facade this is what there is, it's a person, I don't appreciate bad comments or childishness from anyone, I like to talk about life as well as sexual things but always with respect, clearly I am not glued to the phone 24/7 because I have a life outside of this, I answer when I can and sometimes I don't succeed in being the sexy woman, because I'm simply tired.

I also understand that everything here is temporary, we all look to escape for a while and share a few things to pass the time, but it doesn't mean we can't talk and share for more than 5 minutes. I'm not a porn page nor do I live at your disposal, I don't send photos, because I do not want to do it for you, if I do it has to be because I wanted to, period.

[voidsuites]

okay, vent post here so buckle up. sorry if it’s too serious for this blog, but i needed to show it.

as a Ukrainian, i left my country when i was barely 11 and went to south america because the war started. i wasn’t old enough to understand the outcomes that could possibly lead to the war in actuality. we needed to leave for our own safety. we needed to leave because either way we were gonna die there eventually; most russians didn’t (don’t) care about our race, our opinions, our culture, our politics, our freedom. it’s been going for centuries, not years, so we and israel have something in common. to know how does it feel to be oppressed.

my mom used to say that everything will be okay, but with every day you DO lose hope when something like today happens — it’s been going on like this for us for decades; but i know i could not understand how does it feel to be in the minority in u.s.a and be seen like an existing, walking crime.

regardless, i do, i REALLY do, hope that this generation won’t let hatred take over themselves as it did with mine. i know being angry and a hater feels like the right decision —hell, i am being angry and hating on my ““brother”” county because they’re killing us— like something you’ve been building up for years and can finally let go on people —white, in my case— who ‘deserve’ this, but please, don’t let it get into your head. no one will feel safe if we’re gonna start hating each other. minorities, black, hispanic, white, NO ONE.

i feel for you americans. i’m not sure how everything will go from now on, but i am one hundred percent sure that it depends on us. don’t let the government and the ‘high grounds’ let your hopes down, because it won’t happen if people keep fighting. does su*cide looks tempting right now? very; it was always like that since COVID started (for me, personally). does it mean we should act on it, if OUR opinion and OUR actions can define how the country will keep running? no, absolutely not. i’m not telling to people who want to kill themselves to stop it —i am no professional by any means; it’s not my right to tell you what to do with your life— but if you CAN make change, why don’t you?

i love you all. i’m very happy that we met each other over tumblr, guys. everything will be okay

i love you too.

but my mere existence has become political. it has been political since i was born. i am a black, mexican, queer woman who lives in a blue state— but regardless of that, my existence has been political long before i even realized it. people who have no idea what i’ve been through and what life i’ve lived think it’s necessary to regulate my own body because they think i’m not capable of doing so. they think because i am non-white that i am not worthy of respect or equal treatment under the law. they think because of who i love that i am less-than-human.

i don’t have the luxury to not dislike someone who has voted for him. when they voted for him, they voted against ME— against everything i am, the fabric of my being, everything that makes me me. i wish i could say didn’t hate anyone who voted for that fucking felon, but i do. it’s the truth. they voted against basic human decency and fundamental human rights because neither of those were enough to overpower their selfish self-interest. i don’t wish to associate with anyone who voted for him, nor do i like them. they’ve clearly voiced that they’re okay with ignoring hate-based ideologies if it means they might “benefit” (they won’t)

he intends to strip away every little thing we can even do in terms of voicing our opinions— he’s been saying from the get go that this would be the last election EVER that we’d have to vote in— is that + the countless false bomb threats + russian interference + in-state interference with mail-in voting/ballot counting not proof enough that they don’t want to even consider what the people want anymore? and i’m not saying that this is reason to give up, but they intend to strip everyone of their autonomy in one way or another, and they will if we allow them to. and we’ve just given them the keys to fucking do it.

i just need to rant and be angry and be upset and be disappointed in the way we’ve let each other down here? because at the end of the day, people voted for that felon because they thought he was the better candidate. and that is appalling.

[mysticbeeinatree]

If Only

a/n: I apologize, it's been a long time since I have written any fanfiction especially angst but I hope you enjoy! Please do not take, copy, or repost my works thank you!

Ageless and blank profiles will be blocked! (Even if the post isn’t nsfw)

Word count: 744

CW: angst and thats it!

You and Nanami have known each other since you both had gone to Jujutsu High. You were there to tease him about his haircut and to see him grow into the dutiful, strong man that he is. You were devastated when he left and relieved and ecstatic when he returned. You don’t want to lie to yourself, but the thought of having the feelings you do for him is too much to take at this point. You thought you were over him. Time after time the heartbreak you’ve felt, unbeknownst to him. He has no idea the mental turmoil you put yourself through every time you were studying with him, doing a project with him, even just thinking about him. 

You were there when he suddenly started bringing in bags from the bakery that you would pass together sometimes after work. You knew he had a little bit of a sweet tooth and would make fun of him every time he sat down munching on his pastry. You were there when he introduced you to his new lover, smiled pleasantly when they joyously told you they met one day when Kento stopped to get some breakfast one morning. Nodded and listened as the woman laughed remembering the way he seemed to have a glint of relief every time he saw her. Even laughing yourself when they recalled how he asked her out, his cheeks a light pink hue as he cleared his throat and slightly avoided her eyes when he vocalized his overly rehearsed lines. She giggled and ever since then they were an item. 

Although, that was back then. You were there when that relationship ultimately ended when she couldn’t understand why he was always working. You were there for him to let his guard down and have someone to rely on. There for him to vent or to be a distraction for him, maybe a bit selfishly enjoying the company of him with you once again. Patting his head when he would lean on your shoulder, relishing in his warmth when he needed a hug, loving this feeling of him wanting or needing you to be around. Even if it was just for a moment. 

Things began to get busy and you both would spend less and less time together. You started teaching 3rd year students while he took on more and more missions. The both of you barely had time to talk, but you were happy, since he was busy he didn’t have time to think about how he was feeling. Even then, you’d reminisce about the times you were so close. Funny that history seems to repeat itself over and over. Messages became more and more sparse until ultimately that communication ended altogether. 

It had been years since then. You find yourself looking at old pictures, that tight feeling in your chest once again. Looking at his contact information for the nth time this week deciding what to do. Instead of putting the phone down you began to type. “Hello Kento, it’s been a really long time.. How have you been? Is Gojo still getting on your nerves, go easy on him he took a liking to you, you know? I’ve been okay, just been working so much recently. Remember the good old days when we could hang out or something once the day was over haha I miss those days.. Honestly Nanami I miss you, I think about you every day. I wish things had been different.. I.. I miss you and I love you so much. I love you.” Pushing send, there was some weight that lifted off your heart and your chest. 

“Not delivered.” You knew that message wouldn’t go through. It’s been years since the incident. Since you walked into that subway terminal and fell to your knees.Unable to fully grasp the situation, not even Gojo was there to help with the pain. Years since the darkest period of your life began. If only you had been there, if only you could have done something to help him, anything. Another selfish part of you thought about how he would never even know about your feelings and how maybe just maybe things could have turned out differently relationship-wise or even overall if you had said something before Shibuya. Of course not and it doesnt help to think that way, but you can’t help it. If only you could talk to him one more time. If only…

[nozomi-kaizoku]

"Luca, your behavior is concerning, you need to delete your vent account!!!! "

Yap Yap Yap, you're acting as if I'm even REPARABLE at this point.

I'm working with a therapist, YandereDev has already addressed the allegations against him (AND IS GETTING HELP FOR IT), and just because I identify as an incel/femcel doesn't mean I'm gonna suddenly become this misogynistic pedo who has the most fucked up views about women you had ever seen in your life.

Let me educate you on something:

Incel literally just means "involuntary celebate", which basically means you are not able to engage in sexual activity due to ostracization and shunning (which is my case due to me being borderline and autistic and having to face the stigma surrounding my disabilities), and Femcel is the female/feminine counterpart.

it was a movement back in the 1990's - early 2000's as a way of uplifting those who became incels due to them being in a minority group, but sadly the original movement was abandoned due to how commonly associated it was with genuinely bad people.

Today, most of the self-identified incels/femcels are teenagers with ongoing mental health struggles who believe this label fits their experiences. These people (including myself) do NOT associate with anyone with intentions of doing harm to others.

As for the intrusive thoughts about killing my teacher: that was the result of constant dismissal and invalidation of my mental health struggles and due to the ongoing stress that has caused me. (I should mention that in therapy, I discovered that one of my biggest triggers is invalidation, and when I get triggered, I REALLY get triggered.), but I already did a threat assessment and I am speaking with my therapist as needed.

Also should mention: I have spoken with yandereDev directly a couple times (mainly to ask him questions), and out of all the times we spoke, he has not ONCE shown any interest or desire to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with me, in fact he's actually been keeping his distance (as a content creator should with their fans), so don't say he's trying to "gRoOm" me.

And do you REALLY think I'm gonna ask him out now??? At 17 years old????? FUCK NO, that's gonna hurt both me and yandereDev.

I'm waiting until I am 18 years old to attempt to be in a relationship with him, and by then I will the age of consent, therefore I would be able to consent to a relationship with him.

And as a final note: the people engaging with my content are not doing it to "enable" any genuinely bad behavior, I have stated myself that people can reblog my posts if they find it relatable. And people are engaging with my content because, well, they find it relatable. They share similar experiences as I do. Are those people in the wrong now because they had experiences in their lives and saw my posts and understand how I feel?

Honestly, idc if you're "concerned" or not, but you can't force me to delete my vent blog because you're upset that I happen to have a space where I am comfortable with talking about my mental health struggles. Why are you even looking at it anyway if you're THAT concerned about my posts? It feels a lot like you're just scrolling through my blog and cherry picking the posts that "concern" you.

Fucking weirdo....

If you're that bothered, just block it. I can assure you that I am okay and will get help if needed.

Don't like? Don't interact.

Thank you.

[superleeleehipster]

Feeling Nostalgic...

Hey everyone, long time no talk... very long time, lol.

I just wanted to get something off my chest.

So I was going through some stories on Nine Lives, wanting to find something to read and get lost in, and I was just kind of hit with nostalgia.

I was by no means here when the official Caryl fanbase really kicked off, but I began following it in the year 2015. Doesn't sound very far now, but if you think about it, that was nearly 10 years ago, and I fell in it hard. I began looking at all of the amazing blogs and posts that talked about how awesome caryl is and how there were hints here and hints there about them eventually getting together. I soon began making my own posts and trying to keep everyone positive and just talk about our common love. I started writing my own fanfiction, and some of the stories that came out of me in those years, I'm even surprised at how creative I was.

We weren't necessarily stressed about things or other ships or what have you; we just enjoyed caryl and what it was.

Fast forwarding to now, and I feel like this fanbase has gone through the fucking ringer. Bad writing, bad showrunning, shipbaiting, ship wars, gaslighting, trolls chasing Melissa off of Twitter, all that mayhem. We have just gone through so much crap. Now it's like we're holding our breath while we wait for the Daryl Dixon spinoff to give us what we absolutely deserve, but are constantly being pulled back and forth about it.

And the worst part is, some of us are just so tired of being let down that we might be thinking, "even if it goes in our favor... would it be worth it at this point?" And I wouldn't blame those people, I really wouldn't. We've all gone through some hell.

Anyways, to make a long story short... anyone else miss the old days?

Back then, all we did was speak about the shared Caryl scenes in the latest episode, and how Daryl's hair curling around his ears makes him look handsome. Or Carol showing her growing fierceness and self confidence. All the while, so many amazing writers were punching out fanfiction novels that would put the very show's staff of writers to shame. Life was good; we just enjoyed the fanbase we were in.

I just miss those days, you know?

Now everything is so complicated. It's like a once clean river has gotten polluted and no one knows how to clean it up. At the end of the day, most of us just want to enjoy Caryl and the beauty that it was and still is. But so many things are dirtying the water, it's so hard to bring the focus back on why we all came here originally.

Hell I haven't written anything fanfic wise in over a year, and that was only after not writing anything a year prior too. My mojo just got muddied up like the rest of it.

I don't mean to make anyone depressed of course; I'm just venting a little bit I guess. I just miss when things were so much more simple. Could we go back to that? Maybe... if Caryl actually becomes canon and it's done right for both the characters and the audience, but we'll see though.

In the meantime, I'm just going to read some fanfics and remind myself of why I joined in the first place. Maybe that'll remind me of how much I enjoyed writing for these characters.

Have a good day/night/week loves.

[donnerpartyofone]

In 10+ years of active job hunting, all of the interviews I have had are:

I applied for an assistant role at this hip-sounding consultancy and I got through several rounds of scrutiny with an HR person who seemed convinced I would get the job. Finally I booked an interview with the actual boss, and the second it started everything fell apart. I had an initial technical problem with the video call and that didn't look good, but there was already a bigger issue: She immediately started shouting at me for wasting her time because I had made a mildly self-deprecating joke to the HR person (it had to do with my work with horror media which is not to everyone's taste). She was yelling and yelling about how you NEVER, EVER SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT YOURSELF EVER, WHY WOULD YOU EVER, EVER SAY ANYTHING CRITICAL ABOUT YOURSELF EVER. Then she sort of parlayed that into interrogating me about my goals in life, with the implication that I must not have any. It was apparent to me that she knew before we even started that she was never going to hire me because she felt that I had shown weakness to the enemy basically, and I can only assume she booked the interview because she enjoys torturing vulnerable strangers, but it was very shocking in any case.

I applied to be a production coordinator at this startup founded by one of these guys with more money than things to do. They were supposed to make, like...inventions? This is a somewhat aspirational description: They had an early 3D printer and the idea was that citizens would send in their invention ideas and the company would print and sell them. They'd had moderate success with kind of a modular power strip, and I guess they just assumed ideas like that would keep coming. The interview lasted 4 or 5 hours. I was sent into a little windowless room where I was interviewed by one person at a time for a very long time. The first guy was this zany douchebag who bombarded me with problems to solve: WHAT IF A GUY CALLS AND SAYS HE CAN'T SEND HIS INVENTION BECAUSE DOESN'T HAVE A SCANNER? WELL WHAT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE A CAMERA? WELL WHAT IF HE HAS NO COMPUTER? WELL WHAT IF THERE'S NO LIBRARY NEAR HIM? WELL WHAT IF THERE'S NO POST OFFICE? WELL WHAT IF HE CAN'T WRITE OR DRAW? WELL WHAT IF HE CAN'T DESCRIBE IT? COME ON! YOU GOTTA THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX YOU GOTTA THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX YOU GOTTA THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!!! The second guy was a sad sack manager who was subtly venting about how his staff didn't like him. The third guy was this chick who was openly throwing mad shade on the second guy, while also insulting me to my face. I forget who even else there was. It was like a police interrogation, by the fourth hour I didn't even know what I was saying anymore. I'm sure I would have confessed to murder. A month or two later I noticed I had all these voicemails my shitty phone never surfaced from the company trying desperately to hire me, but it was sort of a dodged bullet because they folded shortly after that.

I got a call back for an archivist position at a radio station. I only realized after the fact that due to being a humongous dumbass, my cover letter addressed the wrong company--a more popular station with a similar acronym--but I actually don't think that was the problem. The conversation was pleasant but I didn't have the exact technical abilities they wanted; they would have been willing to train me if they couldn't find anyone else, but that's not what happened.

At this point I'm really freaking out. I don't have the resources to go back to school or whatever and I'm not convinced that getting a degree or certification in a useful trade would really allow me to beat other candidates who are younger, more experienced, and with a more normal work/education history. Actually I DID get a certification in what I thought would be a useful trade before I even quit my old job to avoid drinking myself to death, but I've never gotten a call back for any relevant jobs--surely because I don't have any practical experience, it's all classroom shit and I'm not exactly internship material. Right when I quit my job I saw a career counselor, and I also worked with this corporate climber ex-colleague who gave me a lot of resume and cover letter advice, but none of that has made a difference. Recently a friend got my resume to his recruiter, he blew all this smoke up my ass about how great my resume is and how if I don't hear from the recruiter it's because she's a flake, and I really had to hold my temper because there is such abundant evidence that the problem is ME. I mean only psychos even call me back and most of them weren't interested anyway. I think unemployment is not available to me since I wasn't laid off or fired. I don't really know how temp agencies work, and I seem to have a lot of inconvenient handicaps, like I cannot do basic math, it seems pretty pathological. I don't really know how anything works, obviously.

I'm in this position because I thought preserving my mental health was more important than my job, and I foolishly assumed "something would work out" even though I had been looking for a new job almost that whole time. Also I followed a lot of well-meaning and extremely bad advice about "following my dreams" or whatever, which I actually had some unique and amazing opportunities to do--I mean if I didn't take them then I would still be wondering what-if--but I should have known never to take a chance on myself like that. I could, if I really wanted to, blame my family for not teaching me anything about real life, but the truth is that following dreams has paid off big time for every single person in our orbit except for me, so it's hard to fault people for just repeating what is personally true for them. I mean it's frustrating when someone asks you why you're looking for a job when you should just go get a book deal instead (!), but just because we're from the same family doesn't mean we're from the same planet. It's nobody's fault for assuming good things about me (although it does make me mad that they still won't face reality and everyone just thinks I'm "not trying"). But now I'm in danger and it's been coming for years, for most of my life in a way, and I don't know what to do. I apply for everything, but I look overqualified for the small things I might actually be able to do, and the jobs I do look qualified for won't give me a second look because I'm not THAT qualified really (and/or the market is flooded with people like me). I feel like I've hit up all the professional help I can find. Is there like...some sort of, I don't know what, psychologist that specializes in telling you how to get a job? I just don't know. HMU if you are able to explain to me what a job is and how to get one.

(That's mostly a rhetorical question unless you literally have specialized insider knowledge or your NYC-based boss is hiring or something. Please bear in mind that I am a middle-aged adult and I know how e.g. LinkedIn works. I have been using job boards extensively and elaborately for more than 15 years. As per my thesis, I have consulted many professional experts already. Please don't do the equivalent of reading someone's post wondering about something, and sending them a Wikipedia link to the topic like they've never heard of that before. Just please don't. I shouldn't have to say this but I know that I do.)

[oftlunarialmoon]

Top 5 Productive and Creative Things to Do When You are Bored– ROYALs Lessons!

Originally posted to www.onlyfunthings.org on January 09, 2019

Ciao Royals! Welcome back to ROYALs lessons! We’re kicking off the year with something useful and fun: a NEW Top 5 list of Productive and Creative things to do with your free time!

Do you ever find yourself bored with too much free time and want something to do, but don’t feel like laying around watching Netflix? Have you run out of YouTube videos to watch? Maybe you’ve grown tired of scrolling through social media? No problem! Today I have 5 ideas to get you started doing something super fun and creative!

1.       My first and biggest suggestion is to DIY something! However that alone is not very creative, so I want to challenge you: DIY something completely new and creative out of something old that you have. Instead of using craft supplies to make something from scratch, make something out of old clothes, toys, trinkets, and other things! And instead of following a tutorial, try to make your own idea or figure out how to create something on your own! A few examples of things you can try: 

-          Gather up all your old clothes that you absolutely don’t wear anymore. Try to create an entire new outfit out of your old clothes, meaning transform your clothes into something brand new!

-          Look critically at old packaging, cardboard boxes and other would-be “trash” or “recyclables”. What could you make out of that? If you’re having difficulty coming up with ideas, search for “Upcycled Crafts” on Pinterest, you can usually find a lot of ideas this way.

-          Look at your makeup collection! Chances are you might have some makeup you don’t often wear, why not try recreating it into new makeup by mixing pigments, turning lipstick into lip-gloss and other ideas? 

2.       Why not start a blog or other type of website? People blog for all sorts of reasons, whether you want to start a blog because you want to spread a message or just entertain, blogging can be a very fun pastime! You can blog to raise awareness for an issue that matters to you, to inform people on a topic that you’re knowledgeable on, to entertain people with creative writing, poetry, or photography, to promote a business, even just to express yourself!

3.       Volunteer your time locally. Whether you live on a college campus (where there are always community service opportunities!), or whether you live in a big city or small town, your help could always be needed. Volunteer at your local food bank, animal shelter, homeless shelter, or even by tutoring people in your school. There’s always a way to volunteer!

4.       Clean and organize your room. You can even go an extra mile and organize all your clothing. Donate what you don’t use or need or wear anymore. Clean out from under your bed, in your closet, under your dresser, and your floor. Vacuum or sweep. Dust and wipe down all surfaces. Maybe even wash your bedding. 

5.       Start a journal! You could journal about your day to day life, you could bullet journal and track your habits, you could do short fiction writing, you could write poetry, you could write down articles and blog post ideas, you could make a vent journal, you could make an age regression journal! Journaling really has endless possibilities. You could even art journal! Or scrapbook. 

As you can see, there’s plenty to do when you’re bored that’s not only productive and creative, but also fun!

Remember to Stay Awesome and Love Yourself!