#But that's a really old post and why would you look through my vent posts

[frog-plague]

bro wtf was the interaction I had

Ah yes I haven't talked to you in a while after you caused me to split 4 times and crash 5 times and you decide "hey why not talk to this borderline stranger about trauma they didn't tell me about and learnt about through a 3rd party!" Wtf.

So after careful consideration and the jury of the discord server the block button has been pressed (love the discord peeps btw. They're awesome)

[bugflies00]

sorry this is referencing a few month old post/s you made about the dream situation and a question you’d asked about dream stans, you can delete this msg if you want since it’s not as relevant anymore. Again I’m sorry if this is weird or you don’t gaf (that’s fair bc who does lol)

TW for grooming and dream being fucking gross. You can just scroll fast and delete if you don’t want to read or deal with this, I understand that

-

To preface Im about Tommy’s age now, when I was 15-17, used to be a huge dream stan, and I was very vocal about defending him online. —I was extremely parasocial and weird, and looking back on it I really regret how I acted.

So. Idk how much people who weren’t stans of his saw, but dream- as stupid as it sounds- was our friend.

He had bath calls with us, sleep calls with us, he told us in depth about his personal life and his health issues and his trauma and his moods and his habits and just basically everything. Most of his interactions with us was through his discord, and then someone in the fandom would stream his discord calls for people who weren’t there. A running joke was that dream had a parasocial relationship with us. there was absolutely no gap between creator and fan, he followed me more than once, he brought fans onto his discord streams and talked with them and he knew a good amount of us by name. He called us cute and talked about how much we all (as individuals) meant to him,

when drama happened he’d usually either do a space/call or go on his private and vent to us, there were I think two separate times he’d have full panic attacks over drama happening, and we’d have to talk him down. He also would, when responding to callouts or accusations, use arguments that his fans were making.

He did this during almost all his pitfalls, including the grooming allegations, his wording was often taken word for word from tweets by people I was friends with. I dropped him after the initial allegations, but for a while after i still checked in bc i was really hoping he’d be innocent (he wasn’t) and i can confirm he still does this. He also regularly dmed his fans, mostly his black fans, to ask for “help” on being less racist.

I don’t use the word “grooming” lightly, but dream was and is absolutely grooming his audience. Thats why dream stans seem so cult-like these days. The amount of guiltripping, lying, forcing an us vs them mentality, and manipulation I saw this man pull was actually sick. He’d frequently, privately, to us, vent about tommy or quackity, and about how “all his friends hated him” and “we were all he had left” (legit, not joking). He is extremely good at emotional blackmail, he is good at making his fans hate other creators and turn on them, he is very good at utilizing his tears and using wording that he knows will make his mostly teenage fanbase think he’s a good kind person.

He wants to impress on his fans that he really was just a kind person, the only kind person and the only voice of reason. That’s why when the Cantu thing happened, he started posting “messages” of him being so kind to the Uber driver. He needs his fans to think he’s a kind and loving person, and that Tommy and quackity and literally everyone who’s pulled away from him was just a fake friend who couldn’t be trusted. He somehow was always, always the one being fucked over.

I remember when I told my friend about dream (this friend had a completely neutral opinion on him and barely knew the guy beyond his manhunts) and he told me that sounded like grooming.

He gradually isolated his (primarily young, female) fanbase using private accounts, discord calls, Snapchat, and whatever else. He got extremely personal with us far beyond the level any creator should be, he used kindness and flattery (like calling us “mature”. Also legit) to make us feel genuinely loved by him, again, NOT in the way a creator loves their fans. In the way a friend loves their friends, even in the way a partner loves their partner. He lashed out at us and had panic attacks when we did criticize him, he used tactics to make us think he was always right and good, and more than that, make all his detractors seem like terrible people out to get him AND us, he played himself out to be the perpetual victim and used carefully cut clips and emotional manipulation (like how he brought up his ~poor innocent family~ when harassing quackity. Weaponizing trauma like that was something he did ALL THE TIME to us whenever he was criticized.) in order to use us against people he didn’t like, making us take the bullet for him.

He uses his kindness and supposed goodness as a weapon, he used Tommy’s own trauma around doxxing against him when Tommy dared to criticize him (“I supported you when you were getting doxxed, yet you won’t do the same for me?”)

He used trauma to relate to his audience, making us feel like he was the only person who got it.

It’ll sound stupid, but it was genuinely really scarring. The way he made me and my friends feel was so confusing. I often found myself feeling used and violated, but also like I was in debt to him. I dreaded when he’d have fans on call, I dreaded him but also he felt like all I had. The tone of him and the fandom was that “we have to defend him at all costs, they’re out to get him and we’re the last line of support he has”. It was embarrassing, it was stressful, it was horrible. I wasted so much fucking time and energy on him.

it was really traumatic and distressing, especially as a teenager who’d already been at a vulnerable point and used him as an escape originally. I know that sounds melodramatic but I mean it.

He is a groomer through and through. He’s barely getting any new fans, but he’s barely losing any either bc the grasp he has on them is so tight.

Worst of all, if you leave the fandom, you’ll lose your friends and become an enemy. He encourages that behaviour and that mentality. He encourages harassment of his ex-friends, he encourages harassment of anyone who doesn’t like him. He wants you to feel like he’s the only good person, and like he’s the only one who will care about you. And I know at least in my experience that the way I acted when I was a fan of his did genuinely cause me to feel alienated in my social life. I lost friends, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone “safely”. That’s how he wants his fans to feel, because at some point he really is all you have.

And that’s why dream stans are still sticking around. It’s at the point where the only way they’ll leave is on their own volition, and the more publicly fucked shit he does, the less hope I have that they’ll do that.

i don’t have much to add but i agree, and several people i know who used to be big dream fans also agreed that there was a heavily insidious ‘us vs them’ atmosphere

[jybyls]

Letter || J.O

Materlist

Synopsis: Jenna received a letter from you.

Warnings: Angst, rushed, mental illness, and bad writing.

Words: 2.9k

- 📜🎧🍂 -

"You were my everything, but I had to let you go for your own good. I know that sounds like a lame excuse, but I promise it isn't. I would've broken you, and I'd never forgive myself if I had messed up such a loving and pure soul. You need someone who can treat you right. And I'm incapable of doing that. I'm too caught up in my own shit that I barely make time for you. You don't need me. You might think you do, but I assure you, you don't. I'm not the person you think I am. I'm a fucked up mess who needs help but not from you. You have your own issues and having do deal with me will only drown you. I'm grateful for you. Really. You mean so much to me, so much more than you imagine. I don't want to let you go, but I have to. I'm losing myself. My mind don't ever shuts down. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't move from bed, I can't talk, I can't do anything. I barely had the strength to write this, but I'm doing it for you, because it'll selfish to disappear without telling you why. At least a part of it. Every interest I had don't mean anything to me anymore. But you do. You mean the world for me and I can't let that world fall apart simply because I am not well. You have your friends and there are the greatest, you have your family who is just as lovely. I'm also grateful for them. And a little jealous of them, because they have you. I'm learning how to heal but it's not easy. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever heal. My scars are part of me. I know scars fade but those ones are too deep, they're into me now, and that's alright. I'll learn how to live with them. Or I'll try to. You helped me so much without even knowing it. You saved me, Jenna, you're my savior. I've never connected with someone the way I have with you. When I looked into your eyes, that sudden sense of hope came to me, a sense that I could if I had you by my side. But no one should be responsible for someone else's life. You know I live for the little things in life, the sunrises at 6 a.m the sunsets at 6 p.m, the smile a stranger gives you when you walk past them, old couples giving flowers to each other, but those things don't make me feel anything no more. I wanted you to see the person I hid so well, but you didn't. I don't blame you, I'm got good at hiding myself. But I can't escape this person anymore. I have to admit it to myself that this is who I am. An empty, cold, selfish, jerk with major mental illness. Be happy for me. Because I don't think I'll ever be able to feel any kind of happiness ever again. Smile for me. Because I lost mine forever. Laugh for me. Because you were the only thing that made me crakled. Live for me. Because I don't think I will make it.

I love you forever, Jenna Marie Ortega."

Tears fell down of her eyes. You weren't alright, and she didn't see it. How could she have missed it ? How could she forgive herself ? A thousand wonders went through her mind, but it was already too late. You have now left. Forever.

- 📜🎧🍂 -

A/n: I know I said the next post would be the Cairo fic, but yeah, I needed to vent, so maybe I could find my will to write again. Have a good day/night. Love y'all <3

[babyangelsky]

My Favorite Expressions in Love Sea Ep. 5

I love this show and everyone in it so so much. I know it's going to hurt me at some point but I don't even care because right now it is giving me absolutely everything I want.

Peat Wasuthorn Chaijindar, I truly and genuinely love every single thing you do with your face.

Also! If anyone would like to be tagged in these posts every week, do let me know!

I'll say it again: one of these men does not yet realize what they signed up for and it is not Mahasamut.

Tongrak is a prickly little cactus but he does care for Mut, and I love that he got to see Tongrak get worked up on his behalf.

Hearing Vivi say her name like that shorted a circuit in my frazzled girly Mook's brain.

And Vivi knows it.

I do love Vivi. I especially love the way she looks at Mook when she's venting. She may be a menace, her strategies may be unhinged, and she may like teasing Mook a little too much, but there's so much fondness in her expression when she's with Mook. She never interrupts, she just loves listening to that girl regardless of what Mook is saying.

Also shout out to the craft services auntie who heard Mook venting and brought her a treat. I would've done the same.

"I want to take care of your life," Mut says, stopping Tongrak's annoyance dead in its tracks. Mut's sweetness and earnestness are so disarming for Tongrak and I love the little moments where we get to see it.

"Let me take care of you." I wonder if anyone has ever said that to Tongrak and meant it.

However, I will be taking that "old-timer" personally, Mut. Tongrak and I are NOT OLD.

VIVI LOVES THAT GIRL. Mook could read her the dictionary and she would be enthralled by her voice the whole time and I will be dying on this hill.

"You don't even like women." Kaimook. Be so serious right now. Look at the way she looks at you! I refuse to allow you to join me in the circus, there will be no clown behavior from you, miss ma'am.

I am so very familiar with this look. I'm sure it's been on my face for at least half my life. It's the sort of profound exhaustion only someone with a difficult family understands. Your whole day is about to be ruined by a battle you don't want with a person you despise but not fighting it is not an option. I both love and hate how dead Peat's gaze managed to be because it hit so close to home.

911, yes hello, I would like to report an imminent murder.

Mut:

I could not love these men more. Truly I could not.

This woman really thought she could roll up to Tongrak's house and start saying whatever she wanted. She really thought she could fuck around and not find out. Tongrak and his face said no and also GET A JOB. FIND SOMETHING TO DO.

Unrelated sidenote, I loathe the little tone she uses to talk to him. I hope we never see her again.

The face of a man who has found the adequate weapon in his arsenal. Also, someone actually agreed to be in a relationship with her? I'll send the poor S.O.B. a condolence card in the morning.

Peat really decided to hurt my feelings today because I know that look too. That's the expression of someone who's a hairsbreadth away from a breakdown after using up every ounce of bravery they possess. I'm surprised he didn't start crying on the stairs on the way to his bedroom.

There's so much I want to say about this scene in Tongrak's bedroom but I'll give it its own post.

All I'll say here is that it really is the littlest things, the smallest acts of kindness that end up pushing you even further over the edge. Why isn't it possible to hug someone through a screen?

Mut called Prin a diabolical brat and that's her name in Tongrak's phone and that's why they're soulmates. It's science.

THOSE ARE HEART EYES, KHUN TONGRAK. Mut is siding with you against your shitty family! THAT'S BEST BOY BEHAVIOR AND YOU KNOW IT.

Mut's just like me fr.

[lillaydee]

In Time Part 4

Rancher Joel Miller / Reader

You lost your dear Uncle. Your TV Star boyfriend dumped you. You needed a job. You got one at a ranch in Wyoming. Where you met Joel. A very grumpy man. Grumpy man has issues.

WARNINGS:

Grumpy Joel, Hurt Joel, Grieving Joel, Joel is Bad at Feelings (The Last of Us), Joel Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), Joel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (The Last of Us), Mentions of Hostage Situation and Shooting, Alternate Universe - No Cordyceps Outbreak (The Last of Us), Mutual Pining, Fluff and Angst

SERIES MASTER LIST

Part 3

---

***Warning*** Description of a hostage situation and gun violence ahead

You were shocked, to say the least. You knew her mother and Sarah had passed in the same tragedy but to say she was the reason Sarah died?

“Ellie… may I ask why you think that?”

“I don’t think it, I know it,” she said, so matter of fact in mannerism you felt bad for her. Was she fed this idea, or did she really believe this?

“What do you mean?”

“My mom and I used to live further up the road from the ranch, she was a teacher at my school. Like Penny. Usually, Penny would take Sarah to school with her and back, but that day, Penny had to take a student to the hospital. But Sarah had a riding lesson that day, so my mom offered to drop her off on our way back.” She lifted the pop tart dejectedly at you, and broke a small piece off, staring at it. “We ran out of pop tarts. And I really wanted some. So we stopped at the store to get them.”

Her voice quivered slightly at this, but then she took a deep breath and continued. “When those men asked us all to sit together, there was this lady who had trouble sitting, she had a cast on her leg, and a crutch. So my mom helped her. The men yelled at this lady to hurry up and sit down and my mom told them she’s trying, please don’t scare everyone like that. And they just shot my mom and the lady. Just like that. I screamed for my mom, I wanted to get to her, but Sarah held me back. And one of the men turned his gun on me, and Sarah pushed me to the side. I fell. She got shot instead.”

Tears were falling off her cheeks, but her face was stoic. You were doing everything you could not to sob, not to lose it. This girl saw her mother and her friend gunned down in succession. You pulled her into a tight hug, more to comfort yourself than her, if you’re being honest. You were so close to losing it.

When you let go, she smiled at you through her tears. “He’s just sad, and he needed someone to be mad at. It’s not fair. Parents should never bury their children. And he had to, because his little girl tried to save me, because we were in a store full of armed fugitives because I wanted pop tarts, and because I wouldn’t stay still when she asked me to.” She wiped her face with her hands. “It was a lot worse when Tess and Penny first took me in, he’s much better now. It’ll be okay,” she said, looking very much resigned to the situation.

“Ellie, sweetie, it’s not your fault. Bad things happen, and we have no control over them. Please don’t carry this on your shoulders. You’re too young, you should enjoy your childhood. And he definitely shouldn’t be treating you like that.”

“I know, Doc,” she said, smiling. “I am aware, I am seeing a therapist. I have accepted it. But Joel is having a hard time, and I think part of me accepting what happened includes letting him vent. He won’t hurt me. Trust me. He’s a good guy. Still is. He takes care of me in his own way. He just couldn’t bring himself to see me the way he used to. Sarah was like a big sister to me. I followed her around like a puppy. I guess, seeing me around reminds him Sarah is no longer here. He’ll come around. I believe that. I have to.”

You felt yourself liking this girl more and more. How was she this mature? At her age you were still sulking when Benny refused to get you a real tube of lipstick, convinced that he didn’t love you anymore. And here she was, still a chirpy 14-year-old, despite everything she had seen and had to carry.

The pop tarts laid cold and floppy on your plates. You asked Ellie if she was still hungry. She nodded. You told her you have just the thing – a secret recipe. But only special people got to eat them. And it must be offered, never asked for. Capisce? She nodded heartily, her face lighting up.

You went to your small kitchen and took out a sourdough. You asked her to cut two very thick slices while you got your jar of secret ingredient and some berries from the fridge. You slathered the secret ingredient all over both sides of the sourdough slices, and toasted them on a pan, slathering some more while they were toasting. Once done, you left them to cool a bit, cutting the bigger berries into smaller pieces, before squirting some whipped cream on the toasts, topped them off with the berries and drizzled some of the secret ingredient on top. You took one, and gave her the other one, ‘clinked’ them together and took a bite.

Ellie’s eyes closed in a daze of sweetness, saltiness, sourness, and bitterness that all came from the same bite.

“OWHMAGHAWD…” she spluttered; her eyes still closed. “MMHMMM…. Uhuh... uhuh… yeah…” She didn’t manage to get a word out until the whole thing was gone. You reacted the same way the first time Benny made them for you. She only managed to speak after she had licked her fingers and plate clean. She took a deep breath. “What was in that jar? THAT was definitely worth the tears. Oh. My. God!”

“Hu’uh. It’s a secret. My Uncle Benny used to make them for me whenever I was sad.”

“Well, your Uncle Benny was a genius. That would certainly shoo sadness away. Fucking hell…”

“Hey, language!”

She rolled her eyes at you, before looking at you in contemplation.

“You said that thing must be offered, never asked for.” You nodded, raising one eyebrow at her while she finished her thoughts. “What would happen if one asked for one of those?”

“Then they will be banned from ever eating one again. Forever.”

“God your accent made that word sounds so cool! Fo Evah!”

You smacked her with the dish towel playfully. The two of you hung out for the rest of the day. You walked her back home, and by the time you got back, you were glad you could make her laugh, even if it cost you most of your jar of secret ingredient.

---

Something shifted in Joel when you acted the way you did to him saying those things to Ellie. Tess, Penny, Tommy, Maria, Bill, Frank, his parents, had all said something to him every time they saw him treat Ellie that way, and yet he never took heed. But when you put yourself between him and Ellie, as if you were afraid that he was going to physically hurt her, something that had never even crossed his mind, it gave him pause. Did you think he was capable of something like that? And then there’s the way you looked at him. You, this stranger who had known Ellie for less than two days, spent a couple of hours at the most with her, saw him as a threat, and looked at him with such disappointment at the way he spoke to her, despite him not raising his voice at her. He felt judged. You didn’t think of him as a good guy. The thought of it made him crumble inside.  

See, the thing was, everyone had always chastised him for acting that way to Ellie, but they knew him inside out, even Ellie. They knew he was just venting, that he had issues, that he was hurting. They knew he wouldn’t hurt her. They knew he was a good guy. They loved him anyway. But you? You didn’t know him from Adam. All you saw was a jerk who was endlessly rude to you, and a bully who targeted a 14-year-old orphan. You definitely didn’t love him.

Did he want you to love him? He shouldn’t care, right?

But he did.

So, he headed for your cabin, determined to apologize, and make things better. But before he could even get on the deck, he heard Ellie’s voice from inside, telling you what happened that horrendous day. He’d heard this before, of course, but what he hadn’t heard, ever, was Ellie defending him to you. Telling you she understood why he was acting that way, that she didn’t think he was a bad guy.

That floored him.

Ellie, of all people, was defending him.

He had never felt so low.

He had tried to be less harsh with her, but it was like the attitude took over, like he was on cruise control. He often regretted saying the shit he said to her immediately but didn’t know how to shift to reverse. He told Tess this once.

“You don’t reverse, Joel. You shift back to neutral, and then start over.”

He heard you and Ellie laughing and joking around inside. He shouldn’t get in your way.

He’ll have to figure out how to start over.

---

About two weeks into your stay at the ranch, you picked up your ringing phone to the yelling of a very excited Ellie. Look outside Doc! Welcome to Wyoming!

It snowed. Everywhere you see, it was white. You felt like a child again. You had never seen this much snow in your life. Benny hated the cold. So your vacations had never involved snow. You were so excited you had to force yourself to calm down and get ready for work before you launched yourself outside like a loose cannon. Get ready for work. You could be excited for the snow later.

But by the time you got to your office, you had changed your mind about snow. You really were Benny’s niece. It had started snowing again by the time you finished getting ready and had breakfast, flurries of wet snow pelting you like tiny arrows as you walked the hundred yards to your office. You walked in with snow all over your clothes, your boots, your hair, your neck, and some even managed to get inside your clothes, despite you wrapping up. Your distaste for it must have shown, Frank laughing himself silly helping you brush everything off and immediately putting the kettle on for you. You had to buy one of those for the office since they only had a microwave, and microwaving water for a cup of tea was a sacrilege as far as you’re concerned.

“How many more days of snow do we have?”

“Erm, first day of snow. A few more months of this, honey.”

“Fuck.”

“It gets better. You get used to it.”

“Fuck that. I’m staying indoors until spring comes.”

Frank laughed, pouring the hot water into your thermal mug and placing your teabag in it for you. He had taken the liberty of learning just how you liked your tea, even making himself one sometimes, whenever he wanted to feel posh, he said. You had to order more tea since he had taken to stealing them from you to bring home. You hoped they would arrive soon. With how cold it was there you were running out fast.

You stayed indoors that day, doing paperwork and checking the inventory. Thank God no one called in for anything. You had no idea how you would fare on your first full snow day if you had to go outside. You were pretty cool headed and mellow, but once in a while, when your grumpy side showed up, you could rival The Miller Grumpus.

Who, by the way, you had managed to avoid for the most part. You had breakfast and dinner alone at home and had lunch with Maria and Tess or Frank and Bill. You didn’t ignore him, exactly, but didn’t seek him out, or engage with him – you didn’t need to. But there was one thing you noticed.

He hadn’t said anything rude to Ellie since that day at the stable.

Somehow, he had just… let her be. You were checking one of the horses one time, Ellie giving Shimmer some attention, when Joel rode back in with Callus. He didn’t say anything to Ellie, who had frozen in place when he rode in. He simply took his jacket off, and began untacking the stallion without saying anything, and left after. Ellie was so flabbergasted she had to ask you if you saw that – if that really happened. Even you were shocked. Bill just looked stumped. Frank asked you about it the next day as if it was a juicy piece of gossip. And maybe it was. This just in. Joel Miller wasn’t an asshole to Ellie.

Before you went home that day, you went to the woodshed, wanting to bring extra wood home in case it got really cold that night. Snow was still falling, although not as bad as it was that morning. You were too absorbed by your squelching boots and snow on your neck to notice it was Joel who was chopping firewood in the shed. Usually it was one of the younger lads doing that, or Bill. You placed your thermal mug on one of the wood stumps by the door, and walked in, grabbing the carrier off the hook to fill. When you finally realized it was him, it was because he stopped chopping when you came in.

It was like you saw him for the first time.

God, he looked good – his jacket was off, and he was covered in sweat, his flannel sticking to his rather well-built body. You wondered what that body would look like chopping wood. Would the muscles flex? As soon as that thought entered your mind, you were horrified. Oh God, did you really just think Mr. Grumpy looked good? You turned your back on him and started filling the carrier, feeling a bit flustered at the thought that he was just standing there staring at you as you did that. As you pulled the third or fourth piece of wood down from the stack, the wood shifted slightly and another piece fell, almost hitting you in the shin. You jumped back.

“Here, let me do that for you.”

He walked towards you to help, and wedged the heavy looking axe he was holding on a stump without looking at it, having done it a million times before, and a clanging sounded. You both turned around to look.

Your thermal mug was on the floor, an obvious cut on it, rendering it useless.

You picked it up, the lid smashed to bits, half of the mug was cloven, the axe firmly wedged on the stump where the mug once sat.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t see it there.”

You knew he didn’t do it on purpose. But your eyes filled with tears without you meaning them to be. You had used this mug since you were in your teens. Benny bought it for you. You had your morning tea in this mug with him. It travelled around the world with you.

“Amelia, I am so sorry, I’ll replace it. I’m so sorry. Please believe me. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know it was there.” He sounded sincere, apologetic, horrified.

You gave him a small smile and said it’s okay, Mr Miller. I know you didn’t mean it. You picked up the pieces of the lid, and quickly walked back to the cabin, not wanting him to see you cry, the wood left forgotten in its carrier.

You kept the pieces. You couldn’t bring yourself to get rid of them. And the next time you went to town, you couldn’t bring yourself to replace it.

When you left to go to work the next day, you saw that someone had filled your wood box, and stacked a bunch of wood next to it.

---

One whole week of snow and you sort of saw what Frank meant about getting used to them. You didn’t mind them as much, although you wouldn’t call yourself a fan either. With Christmas coming in a week, Tess had asked you if you were going anywhere for the holidays. You said no. Nowhere to go, really. She asked if you were sure. You could come with her if you’d prefer. Everyone was leaving, it seemed, save for a few local workers, none of whom lived on site. She and Penny were taking Ellie to Penny’s family, Tommy and Maria to Maria’s family, Bill and Frank to Frank’s sister’s, Mrs Adler to her son’s, so you would be alone. You didn’t mind that, though, you said. Some quiet time would be nice.

“With Joel,” she finished.

Apparently, his parents and friends were going on a cruise for the holidays. So he would be here. On the property. With you. Alone.

You chose not to respond. You asked if she could take you to town, instead, so you could do some shopping since they would all be gone for a week or so. You didn’t have a car, and you really didn’t feel like asking Mr Grumpy to drive you to town in case you needed something.

Maria and Penny joined you on that trip to town. You had a list with you, but somehow you felt off. Like you had forgotten something. What was it? What did you forget to buy? It felt important. Lifesaving, it felt like. But for the life of you, you couldn’t think what it was you needed.

You noticed that Penny was shopping for groceries too, so you asked her if she was bringing groceries back to her family’s. No, she said, laughing slightly. These are for Joel. You cocked your head slightly, wondering why she had to do his shopping for him. What, you asked, he couldn’t do that himself?

“He hasn’t stepped foot in this store since the hostage situation.”

Shit. You felt like an ass. Of course. His daughter died here. You wouldn’t be comfortable coming back either. Idiot.

When you got back to the ranch, there were a few packages waiting for you at the office. One was your much needed tea, one was something you ordered for Ellie, and one huge package for the chow hall. You made Tess promise not to open it. You were all gathering the next night to exchange gifts before everyone left, and since you didn’t know anyone well enough to get them individual gifts, you decided to get something you thought everyone would enjoy together.

That night, the ladies invited you to join them and Frank for a drink at the local watering hole, The Tipsy Bison. You were merrily laughing with everyone, enjoying the live band, feeling like you belonged. They introduced you around, it seemed everyone knew everyone there. You hadn’t been there long when Tommy, Joel and Bill came in. Tommy and Bill joined your table, while Joel went to the bar.

A lady from the group at the next table approached him and said a friendly hello. They knew each other, it seemed. He didn’t look like he didn’t like her company, his face less grumpy than usual. You turned your attention back to the table when Tommy asked you something, but you couldn’t help yourself from diverting your eyes back to them. The lady stood closer and closer to him, eventually touching shoulders with him, and caressing his arm and thigh.

Tess and Maria noticed. They used to be a thing, they told you. Not a couple, but they hooked up a few times when Sarah was still a toddler. She got impatient with his lack of interest with commitment and married someone else. She’s freshly divorced now, they said.

Why they thought you would want to know this, you have no idea. No idea at all.

The lady returned to her table not long after. From what you could gather, he was just not interested. Not even for a hook up, for old time’s sake. They went on gossiping about him, wondering if he had someone already. No way, the lady said. That man didn’t do relationships. His life was for Sarah, and now that she’s gone, she thought he’d be interested, but apparently not. You didn’t see her face, obviously, since you were not actually paying attention to their discussion, but she didn’t sound too happy about his refusal.  

Not that you were listening to their conversation. Or interested, for that matter.

You got up to get yourself another drink. The bartender, Andy, apparently, had heard of you. You and Frank had helped his father’s horse with an infected wound a couple of weeks back, one of your first house calls. You chatted with him a little, asking him how the horse was doing, how his father was, and his grandma, you believe? The feisty lady who kept trying to feed you more cake? He laughed, nodding along, telling you about her antics, always with the belief that everyone was underfed. You spent a few minutes chatting and laughing with him before taking your drink and paying, which he declined. You pouted at him playfully and made a show of putting the money in his tip jar. Joel was staring at him, his face like thunder. Okay, Mr Grumpy was back. When you got back to your table, the ladies at the next table were staring at you, eyeing you up and down. You ignored them, used to being stared at for being a new face around here. You sat back down, took a sip, and settled to enjoy the live band’s next set.

Everyone at the table was staring at you.

“What?”

They all shook their heads, looking at one another, a sly smile on their faces. You took a chip and ate it and began swaying in your seat as the band played a song, singing along every now and again.

You didn’t notice Joel’s eyes on you.

Nor the soft expression on his face when he saw you sway and sing along.

Joel didn’t notice his family’s eyes on him, watching you.

---

Part 5

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i cut off someone reaching out for help on tumblr? i am a very anxious person. ive been on tumblr a very long time because most all other social media terrifies me as someone who grew up with the wild west internet a decade past (im in my late 20s) so i feel sometimes with how reckless and spurractic people can be online in chatroom and especially clearly public platforms where any stranger, malicious or otherwise can just archive your digital presence for personal use.

more recently as someone who has been here during the pornban and as an asexual really enjoyed the quiet with no drama farming and a slow pace to talk about more unique political topics in a measured way it is something im strangely nostalgic for and a great example of my sensibilities to people when they insist that i use other platforms like discord or twitter or whatever clone for these services comes out of the old guard introducing feature creep to copy everyone else or any other indi "were the anti corporate version" of the endless scroll apps. i just dont want it. tumblr is special because im desktop only, been here for years, and i have kept track of every single change made so i have manually adjusted the change through hacks to evade every bad decision on here and make my set up look identical to how it was in 2010. so let it be understood that i tend to be a loney person because of this stubbornness. web 3.0 is too dangerous to people with addictive tendencies that my adhd brings out and my need to wear my heart on my sleeve. so i hope i defended my personality type enough to show why someone like me would see a post about some horrible abuses they have fell victim to who also share alot of the marginalized status as me and writing depressive things in the replys of others posts as to attention seek about it.

i directly interact with this person, not only to check if they are real (but wow, modern chat bots make this part horrifying for me. we really cant ever know for sure what is real anymore. trying to find warmth on the internet feels impossible now a days) i have multiple conversations at this point both venting and just casually shooting the shit. but the begging for me to constantly repost their paypal makes me so nervous in a way that i feel so guilty for because it reminds me of all the scams that get associated with this kind of ebegging and the reminder that capitalism takes away all warmth from human interaction to make them purely transnational and conditional. but then it just has been escalating where im so scared that now its not enough that im reposing on my 8 follower, all mutual blog, they are asking me to share it on other socials. accounts i do not have i have a flip phone and a laptop and i am tinkering with a windows 7 tower that will never be connected to the internet so i can always have software sit perfectly in its time capsule for when i need it. i do not have a way to help this person outside of what i learned from collage psyche classes. a part of me is so scared to just abruptly cut them off and just delete my entire account like i tend to do often on tumblr for a multitude of reasons, its a part of what lets people survive being here this long but i worry that would crush them if i did that, i dont want to make them feel more hopeless and unwanted then they already talk about. but i am text on the internet through a screen. i can only do so much. so would i be the asshole if i just deleted my account with a "i hope you hang in there, the world is a harsh place but keep moving" to cut someone so similar to me who is struggling out of my life?

What are these acronyms?

[crow-hoards-things]

The Bad Batch Series Finale

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is a vent post. I’m angry and hurt. After I get this out of my system I’ll be more open to discussing the positives of the episode.

Warnings: Ranting, Spoilers

Hooo boy. Okay. I am… less than satisfied?

Quick rundown since I haven’t posted much of anything Bad Batch related: Tech is my favorite Batch member, immediately followed by Crosshair. I’m also a HUGE Republic Commando Nerd (read all the books, played the game, despised Bad Batch as a whole initially because I felt the commandos were being unfairly ignored, can sing + translate Vode An, etc.) and Scorch was my favorite Delta. The Bad Batch grew on me shortly after Season 1 finished up, and I immediately latched onto Tech when I began watching. He’s the reason I watched the first two seasons. (Crosshair + delusions about Tech were the combined force behind watching the final season)

NOW, onto my actual thoughts on the episode, in no semblance of order because my brain is still trying to process, Ft. Cry count:

• Wish Tech was here. He would’ve loved the Zillo being freed.

• “‘Cause I’d do the same thing” no you wouldn’t. Fives would’ve. The you I fell in love with would’ve yelled at Fives about it being a terrible idea and then promptly gone along with it anyway. That said it was a really cute moment and I loved his nonchalant little “come on” afterwards.

• C: “Echo or Omega?” W&H: “Omega” THEY KNOW THEIR GIRL SO WELL

• When Hemlock went to get the operatives I got excited thinking maybe, just maybe we’d get Tech back.

• CROSSHAIR LOST HIS FREAKING HAND!?!? WHAT THE HECK!?! I will never stop being salty about this. He’s been through enough. [Near Tears]

• Rampart sucks

• Nala Se got to blow stuff up and I appreciate that even if I don’t really like her

• I’m glad Wrecker’s okay. He had me scared for a bit. Hunter, conversely, never really did? He’s Omega’s Dad, he had to survive.

• Did anybody else see that one operative whose helmet seemingly had goggles built into it? We had a lingering shot on his helmet for a few seconds and they looked like a red version of Tech’s goggles.

• SCORCH IS DEAD AND YOU’D BETTER BELIEVE I’M MAD ABOUT IT! [First shedding of tears]

• HECK YEAH, HEMLOCK IS DEAD!!! [Tears of relief combined with grief over Scorch]

• I’m so glad Omega hugged Crosshair first. I fully expected her to just run to Hunter, and Crosshair needed that hug.

• Echo’s goodbye was disrespectful. 0/10. He’s family and they don’t even care that he’s leaving???

• SOMEONE IS MISSING FROM OUR NICE LITTLE GROUP SHOT!

• I never really got super invested in the dynamic between Omega and Hunter, but the ending between them was cute I guess.

• We were robbed. We could’ve gotten Crosshair and Wrecker as old men and we were robbed.

• Tech is dead. Like, seriously, really and truly, dead. As a delusional “Tech’s alive guys, trust me” fan, it feels like he just died all over again. I’ll talk more about this later because I’m not over it. [Que sob-fest]

alright, circling back around to my main gripes, in order of appearance:

#1. Scorch.

I hate how they handled him. At first when he showed up I got super excited. That was my boy! In the Bad Batch show!! He’s making an appearance!!! Maybe they’ll do something with the Delta boys!!

Even as the episodes went on and I started to suspect where his path was leading, I consistently would go “Scorch!!! <3” every episode, because that is my boy and I love him dearly.

The levels of offended I am on Scorch’s behalf are not within my ability to express with words. The complete and utter disrespect he was shown over his time on the show is appalling. Why bring him in if you’re going to drain him of all his personality, make him have zero plot relevance, and then murder him?! They could easily have made a new clone for that, as seen by the number of operatives who exist and got 0.5 minutes of screen time.

But no. They brought in a beloved character with 10 seconds of canonical screen time prior, stripped him of everything that made him lovable, didn’t even have him DO ANYTHING, and then murdered him. It feels like a spit in the face and a kick to the gut all at once.

I will mourn. I’ve already cried and I’ll probably cry again. But right now I’m angry and I think Scorch deserves to have people be angry about how he was treated.

#2. Tech

Yes. I admit to having been a “trust me guys, Tech’s alive” person. I will also admit that at the end of episode 13 I wanted him to stay dead because I had zero faith they could satisfactorily bring him back.

My gripe is not with him staying dead. Yes, it feels like losing him all over again. Yes, I will mourn him again. Yes. That sucks. It’s not what’s making me mad.

What makes me mad is how his death was handled.

• It served ZERO purpose narratively other than to up the stakes and make us worry about whether anyone else would die (Spoiler alert: They didn’t. Tech was the only one who died) • Nobody mourned him. No one seemed affected by his death at all. No one cared. I don’t care what anyone says, that will NEVER be okay. • The first actual mention of Tech *dying* was in the finale. Sure, we’ve had name drops and goggle appearances, but actually talking about what happened? One line. One. Freaking. Line.

I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face, you know? He deserved better and so did we. He was a part of that family and they couldn’t even be bothered to address the responses to his death. He was beloved by many of us and they couldn’t even respect him or his fans enough to treat his death like something to be mourned.

That’s wrong, no matter how you look at it.

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Sometimes I see those posts from art accounts that have like really put together, only art posts and I feel tempted to delete all personal posts off my blog

And this thought today led me down a long thought path. Which was primarily, I don't....particularly like my personal vent posts on here. I mean they're not there to be liked, they're there to help me process things but... I also don't like to look back on them.

I mean writing on here is meant to be like a journal right? Journals are there to help through the act of writing, not the end result, though the end result can be helpful in a self reflective sense occasionally but for the most part it's about the process.

And then I realised... I've had one of the worst times of my life lately, and not once did venting or the thought of venting do anything to help it. For a lot of reasons, because I... couldn't voice it, because it would be another thing to obsess over, because I can't be as honest and true and personal as I would be in a literal journal because... I'm still posting things on the internet. And yeah it's Tumblr, it's a black hole, but it's still strangers on the internet reading my thoughts so.... I can't go too deep.

I've hit this point where I was trying to... go halfway, like keep it as this fun cutesy blog but then have some halfway personal venting posts. In the end, I just feel kind of dissatisfied because I'm not being fully honest, or if I am it feels so out of place with everything else.

And yeah it's a Tumblr blog it's not meant to be that serious, that helps, I like thinking of Tumblr like a commonplace notebook I keep just online. But.... the halfway personal/vent things, they feel disingenuous and out of place because they're... so unfinished, so calculated. Forced sometimes. There's this pressure I feel on myself, that I'm putting on myself. That pressure gets stronger to do the cute or fun posts if I've done a vent post, or to make the vent post.... I don't know, good, palatable, refined. I can't think of the right word but... something not spontaneous and genuine.

I think a lot about why I started this blog... it was ages ago around 2020 and because I had this idea in my head of, I don't know, being this spectacular writer and journalist writing really cool think pieces and changing the world, or at least the people who interact with my blog. Then it just, became like a commonplace notebook and that was fun, some curated posts to sort of fit the vibe I wanted, but personal.

Messy, messy is how it's gotten, and messy is fine in a journal, I might cringe looking back at old journals but there's a little fondness too, it's like meeting my past selves and being able to hold all the memories and emotions. But online is messy because... personal, and I need to be a little guarded, I can't be free, and I guess it sort of messes with when I want to have more light, cheery things on my blog. Or rather, it takes me away from spending time reading, or sewing or drawing and painting or any of the other hobbies I love that I can make cute and fun posts about. It takes me away from the time I want to spend on religion too, on reading Qur'aan and learning and memorising it, listening to and learning from lectures.

This leads into another thought which is... if the venting itself is not free, and it doesn't quite help my mental state, then it's just time wasted on something empty instead of another coping mechanism, one of the hobbies mentioned above, which could help me a lot. I'm realising that it's just an added pressure, and a really unnecessary one that often makes my head spin.

I think overstimulation probably adds to it too, social media scrolling is easy to do in bad moments because you're frozen, so you may as well scroll. It kind of feeds into the worst of it. I've been meaning to take a bit more of a step away from social media anyway, I wouldn't say I'm addicted but I definitely don't like the feeling I get when I'm in a freeze state or I'm tired and I scroll instead of spending time on a hobby.

Honestly I've been thinking a lot about the time I spend on things I enjoy, and it's not that Tumblr isn't a hobby but I preferred how I used it before; a record of all my interests. I liked it when I spent most of my time on my hobbies, and I just realised that it's been a while since I've done that, because poor mental health and extra work and studies... I feel like social media is the equivalent of eating a bag of crisps for dinner instead of a proper meal. Like sometimes you really don't have the energy and capability to do it, to cook something nice for yourself.

But I've learnt I gotta got that extra mile to cook a nice meal for myself ^_^ It gives me something to look forward to at the end of the day, or the beginning, it actually feels fun to do even if it feels like a big task to start, and it is good for me.

So, I wanna cook the meals again. I say I don't have time for things but I think if I added up the five minutes here and there on Tumblr and Instagram, I'd at least get an extra hour to have fun reading or painting or baking or sewing or something.

I guess it's a new mindset shift for me, I'm used to fitting work and studies in into every spare moment I can, that's how I operated for a lot of my life to make sure my academics were prioritised. Now I realise the importance of play and downtime, and I hadn't yet figured out that I need to prioritise it the same way. I'm going to try to now.

And going off of my earlier point, about how Tumblr isn't the same as journalling, well... something I really do miss about journalling is the physicality of it. The sitting with a cup of tea or coffee and writing in cursive in a pretty notebook ^_^ It feels so much more natural, and it's a keepsake, and most of all, private. Obviously I've... always had issues with privacy growing up, a warning my aunt used to give me was hah don't keep a journal in that house, it's probably not private.

That's a fear I still feel, but also... I have sketchbooks and journals and loads of things already and I mean, quite honestly you get to a certain age where no one cares. Not to say I am going to be careless in any way, Insha'Allah, I keep my phone very private anyway, same for my sketchbooks and personal collection boxes, but... I think I should.... give a little. I can give a little, I can give myself outlets. It's true that my current journal/sketchbook is mostly just out anyway and no one bats an eye.

So this brings me a little to the question; well, what is Tumblr for if you have a journal and sketchbook? I think I'll still use it, just not in the same capacity. Tumblr is for art posts, or odd or amusing one liners that pass through my mind everyday XD I actually save funny thoughts just for Tumblr or relatable thoughts. I also kinda want to return to my original thing, or what it was a couple of years ago; making fun cute posts about my interests, essays definitely, fanfic obviously, it doesn't need to be put together it can still be my eclectic digital commonplace notebook, but just... not a faux journal either.

Something I love to see are those moodboards on Tumblr and I've done a few myself but not as an actual.... board. I know there's some apps I can use on the iPad to make collages stuff and that makes me excited, so maybe I could start making posts like that (a la Polyvore, my first social media site, always missed :'))

I guess this might be my last journal-esque post in a while? Okay writing that made my anxiety do a thing (*shushes anxiety creature clinging to my brain*) IT IS NOT A LAST POST OF ANY KIND

But yeah I miss the artsy, literary vibes of curling up with my notebook on a cold day, so that'll be my new habit Insha'Allah. New, old habit. I feel like one thing Tumblr did do is train me to be okay with imperfect and messy, I feel like the reason my journal writing dropped off last time was because I was trying to force it so much. Over the past few years I've gotten so creative and loosened up a lot, so I'm hoping it'll show in my journal. Furthermore, the last time I was writing a journal, I really didn't have much to talk about because I was so 1. closed off and 2. limited in my hobbies and creative practices, I didn't have things to write about, I had just lost horse riding and I was consumed with studies only... I'm hoping there'll be a bigger difference now.

A part of me feels sort of nervous, I... only ever kept a journal during dark periods of my life too. I don't have the best associations to it, and even if I'm going through some rough times now, I don't really consider it a dark time... my anxiety brain is kind of overheating and going "but bad things!" and I know that's not rational. We should always think the best of what Allah has written for us, having good thoughts of Allah and having a more hopeful outlook on life is the best thing to do so I'll try to hold that in my heart more. If I find it's a bit too scary at first, that's fine I can just stick to prioritising my religion and health and hobbies, it'll follow naturally Insha'Allah i just need to not put pressure on myself.

I think I'll probably spend a lot less time online overall, just because I want to spend that time on all my other interests, not to mention I want to actually put time into making a proper online presence for myself as an artist.

Right now I wanna lie down and read for a chunk of time :D so I'll do that

[yarameijer]

Hi again 👋,I am here after reading chapter 42 of accidental reverse and it's epic,it was definitely worth the long wait,I am a sucker for tenma&shuu and tenma& shindou friendship,so,I can't wait for the next one, How's recovery going,well I hope. love from Hana

So,one thing that really bothers me about inazuma eleven is that they gloss over relationships that are important.I get this anime mostly focuses on soccer,but still,I thought about and tenma got betrayed 4 times in the series,4 Times,That's insane

First,shuu: I don't like that they completely glossed over this in the movie,I get that they didn't know each other for long,but tenma trusted him and shuu clearly knew they'd be playing against each other,being part of the team that beat raimon up, completely disregarding tenma's reaction,not patting an eye at tenma's best friend being locked in a cage like an animal.no matter how you look at it, that's a betrayal,I know the "fixed things"at the end of the movie,bit, tenma must've been hurt that someone he trusted betrayed him from the very beginning but shuu didn't apologize and I hate that.

Next, taiyou :I talked about this one in my previous post,What Taiyou did even without telling gouenji about anything interesting tenma told him(because that's not canon),what he did is a huge betrayal,Not telling tenma when he knew of his involvement in the revolution,acting cold and rude during their match,lying to his friend's face, completely disregarding his friend's feelings.That's a huge betrayal and I wish they payed attention to it,it was overshadowed by shindou breaking his leg and again tenma must've been hurt.

Next,Fei: this one's self explanatory,He apologized and I guess he betrayed all of raimon,but again,He and tenma were definitely the closest and he was hurt.

Next,The one that hurt him the most, tsurugi:I don't think I have to explain this and my hand's tired.

Not to mention that tge team treated him horribly in the beginning,like,shindou literally beat a junior up and I know he was upset,I know he was angry,but that doesn't excuse it,He's older and he should've taken it easy on a newbie who helped them before.and he never apologized.

Kurama was definitely the worst,He was rude,cold and blamed tenma for literally everything wrong in the club which is ridiculous and he never apologized.

The rest of the team, basically stood by and watched,The only ones on tenma's side from the very beginning are shinsuke and Aoi,which is why I love this trio and I think it should get more love.

So,my point is that everyone treated tenma horribly,no one apologized except for Fei and those betrayals must've hurt.

I want these guys to realize they messed up when they see tenma being hesitant to tell them something or see him more comfortably sharing things with, let's say,earth eleven more than them, specifically Taiyou and shuu.

Could you write a drabble about it.

Sorry,this is so long.I read A.R chapter 42 and came to vent.

Love you ❣️

Oh boy do I have feelings about this.

Through the years of writing stories, as I grew older, I started looking deeper into the characters' mindsets, to try and give them a more realistic and individual representation. This means it isn't always in line with what is shown in the anime, but I don't really mind. Tenma's character is pretty interesting to me because of three reasons: his cheerful attitude, his insecurities, and being allowed to move miles away from home at age eight.

The first two are quite well known in the fandom already and more people have experimented with it, but it's the third one I rarely see. Someone even told me it wasn't a big deal.

Is it really, though? What would such a thing do to a child? What kind of family situation would it be for parents to allow their eight-year-old kid to move several hundred miles away, for years? I get that he wanted to play at Raimon and that they were supporting him - but he started that school at age 12/13, so why would he be sent to Inazuma Town four years before he could even attend Raimon? It doesn't mean Tenma's parents are bad or abusive, but it does imply there's a more complicated situation, one that could actually explain quite a lot of Tenma's insecurities. It's just something that's been keeping my mind occupied lately, and I'm planning to use it in my stories more. 

All in all, I feel like Tenma's character can be quite complicated, without a ridiculously complicated and tragic backstory. It just doesn't fit, y'know? And it's a bit too cliché for me. Putting that aside for now, there's also one more specific characteristic I've given the Tenma in my stories: he has a hard time opening up, which means I'm not sure whether the issues you mentioned are ones he would just talk about. The Tenma I'm writing is much more likely to try to deflect a topic so I don't think I can fully 'finish' this? The issue won't be resolved by the end of the drabble because healing takes time, and I think I might build on this idea in future chapters more. I'll try my best though! And I didn't include Earth Eleven cuz they didn't seem right for this role. Instead Aoi gets some more love XD

So, just a warning, I have an idea for the start of this drabble but beyond that, my mind is blank. I have no idea what I'm about to write so bear with me here, and let's hope it's not too messy.

------------

Tenma has never had a lot of friends.

He told his yearmates, once, when they were hanging out at his house. Kariya and Hikaru had been talking about the team, about how much fun every day was, about how they weren't used to it. Tenma, relaxed and content and safe, agreed.

They'd been surprised, a little disbelieving. They were nice about it! But Kariya's, "For real? Could've fooled me!" had stuck with him, no matter how teasing it had sounded.

It's the truth, though. Before Raimon he'd had Aoi, and one or two people he would sit with during lunch at school, but that was about it.

He loves Inazuma Town, now more than ever - but making the switch from his relatively small seaside hometown to this busy Tokyo district was hard, harder than he'd admitted to anyone but himself. It's not that he didn't want to, but... Aki always got so sad when Tenma was sad and he could see her brightening whenever he said he was happy (and he was!) and okay. He didn't understand it fully back then, but he thinks he's starting to. Aki had been so young.

(Sometimes he's guilty, for putting more weight on her shoulders. For making her look after him when she was barely in her twenties.

Sometimes he's angry at his parents for putting such a burden on her. For ever getting it in their minds to ask their young cousin to be responsible for an eight-year-old child.

Sometimes he's angry at them for allowing him to go in the first place.

Most often, though, he's angry at them for making him want to.)

Tenma was in a new town, living with a relative he barely knew, and painfully shy. His soccer obsession didn't exactly help - everyone likes soccer, of course, how could they not when seeing all those hissatsu? But they don't live and breathe it like he does, like his teammates do. When the kids in his neighborhood found out that soccer was all he ever focused on, they lost interest in him pretty quickly.

(Most of them, at least, and the ones who didn’t - well, their interest wasn’t exactly a good thing.)

Aoi was an exception. But, Tenma has long since realized, Aoi is absolutely crazy in her own, hidden way (she'd have to be, to put up with their team's shenanigans).

Anyway.

Tenma isn't very experienced in the friends department, as surprising as many people seem to find it. He's never really cared, to be honest. He'd had Aoi and Aki and Sasuke and he found out early on that a lot of people just don't care. Fighting that never worked out for him, so why bother?

"Tenma!"

The sudden call has him looking up, brought back to the present.

Shindou has twisted around in his seat. He looks vaguely annoyed. "Finally. What's got you so distracted?"

Tenma blinks. "I'm sorry, senpai," he responds automatically, surprised by his own absentmindedness. He didn't expect to be so caught up in his daydreams with his entire team around him - the noise level in the bus is, as usual with them, high, and the air is filled with a familiar excitement at the prospect of a match, especially after so long.

"It's fine," the strategist sighs, a smile finally pulling at his lips that Tenma would almost call fond. "Just don't zone out all day, alright? We can't afford that when facing Arakumo Academy."

"Right," the captain agrees easily.

He expects that to be the end of it because Shindou is turning around in his seat again, leaving Tenma to his thoughts once more - but it isn’t.

"This is the second time you're distracted when we're playing against Arakumo," someone else drawls - Tsurugi, who's seated on the opposite side of the bus aisle, arms crossed and lounging in his chair like a king. "I'm starting to suspect a pattern."

Tenma, for lack of a better reaction, smiles and shrugs. He doesn't know what to say to that, because it's true.

Their last, and first, match against Arakumo wasn't his finest moment, he’ll readily admit.

Thankfully Tsurugi doesn't care much for his lack of reaction, focusing once more on the book he was reading. Tenma watches him for a moment, and then looks out of the window again.

He knows it's bound to get his mind wandering again, and he's not in the mood for another scolding, but there's not much else to do. Shinsuke next to him is playing a game on his phone, Hayami and Hamano in the row in front of him are discussing homework. Everyone else is either caught up in their own conversations or seated too far away to comfortably converse with.

Tenma starts tapping a mindless rhythm on his knee to keep himself in the present. He's restless. Hopefully the match will get him out of his head - he's not even sure why he's so distracted.

(That's a lie.)

He should be fine, right?

Everything's fine.

It all worked out.

School has started again after the summer holidays - of which he spent the first half in space. It still feels unreal to him, despite over a month having passed.

Not much else happened during the holidays. He'd caught a plane to Okinawa and stayed there pretty much until school started again, only returning to Tokyo a day and a half before. It had been nice to be back home, spending most of his time on the beach or exploring the familiar streets or practicing soccer by himself. He’s gotten sufficiently tanned, as well, and it was pretty funny to see Tsurugi’s annoyance at that once he got back.

This is their first match after the break - school's been in for only a week - and beneath the excitement, there's some nervous energy too. Arakumo is one of their most challenging opponents and they all know it.

At least it's only a friendly match instead of anything tournament-related, so the usual pressure of winning (especially when trying to lead a revolution against a deluded tyrant organization) is absent. Maybe, Tenma muses, that's why he's so distracted.

The fact that this is the first time he'll be playing against Taiyou since their argument doesn't exactly help. They've talked about it at length, and they've tentatively been texting and even hung out once over the summer, but there's a sense of discomfort that they're still trying to get past. Tenma, if only in his own mind, can admit he's worried about how any competitive interaction will affect them.

He doesn't want to lose Taiyou's friendship, but…

The brunet sighs and shakes his head. At this rate he's just going to keep on being distracted, and inevitably disappoint his team. He doesn't want to take that risk for their first match after such a long break.

Or, any match, really.

Especially not after-

Well.

After.

(He still cannot help but feel a bit jumpy, after all the arguments with Shindou during the Grand Celesta Galaxy, after Tsurugi’s kidnapping, after, after, after.

It had felt like he'd been on thin ice when he first joined the team, but that sensation had slowly but surely faded as he found his place.

Now, after, he hates that he's once more double-checking his every action. Hates that he's lost the sense of security in where he stands that had been near unshakable before the Grand Celesta Galaxy.)

Tenma is, once again, brought back to the present, this time because their bus is slowing to a stop. A glance out of the window tells him all he needs to know, and he hides a grimace.

Seems like they have arrived at Arakumo Academy.

------------

Raimon reaches their destination right on schedule, Shindou is glad to note. They'd left early so they'd have enough time to get ready and go over their strategy before the game starts, as they usually do, but Arakumo is a challenging enough opponent that any extra time is welcome.

They're guided over the campus in the direction of the soccer stadium and Shindou takes in the sights with mild interest. It's been a while since he's visited Arakumo - their previous match had been in one of Fifth Sector's stadiums. The prestigious academy hasn't changed much. It certainly lives up to its reputation, not quite as large as Teikoku's buildings, but nothing to look down on either. It's got a more serious appearance than Raimon, with red-toned walls and roofs with cloud patterns.

However, Raimon is here for a match, not to play tourist, and soon they find themselves in their assigned dressing room to get ready for the match. It's as the team is entering the room, getting ready to change out of their training suits, that a ringtone disrupts the usual chatter.

It's uncommon enough that Shindou finds himself glancing up, involuntarily raising his eyebrows as Tenma scrambles for his phone. He catches the captain's gaze and Tenma shoots him an apologetic look while he answers the call. “Hello?”

Shindou turns away and smiles at Kirino on his other side as he reaches for his bag, but despite his wish to give his captain some privacy, they’re right next to each other. It’s impossible not to overhear the one-sided conversation.

“I apologize, this isn't really the right time,” he hears Tenma say, sounding genuinely sorry and surprisingly formal. “I'm playing a match in-”

The brunet falls silent for several moments after the, assumed, interruption. Shindou unzips the jacket of his training suit and shrugs it off his shoulders. He's already wearing his uniform underneath the track suit, so he won't take long changing.

Next to him, Tenma starts talking again. “I understand, but I,” and falls silent yet again. Shindou frowns.

Something about the way his captain keeps on halting in the middle of his sentences seems a little odd. Shindou finds himself halting his movements, unable to keep himself from looking over at his young friend. It's not on purpose, but he's always believed in the worth of information, and something about the increasing tension in Tenma's voice raises his guard.

‘’Yes, I do understand, but is it really not possible?’’ The brunet in question is clutching his phone, lips pulled into a frown while his other hand holds on tightly to the edge of the bench. Whatever he's being told clearly affects him, and whatever reply he receives has his shoulders drooping visibly as he says, ‘’I know, but it was scheduled months ago…’’

It takes Shindou a second to classify the tone in Tenma's voice - not disappointed, but… resigned?

Whatever this conversation is that Tenma is now being forced to share with the entire team, it doesn't reassure Shindou in the slightest.

And it's clear he's not the only one. Although they're trying to hide it, the strategist notices several of his friends shooting worried glances at their captain, and the usual rambunctious chatter is muted. It’s by accident that Shindou and Tsurugi lock eyes over Tenma’s head, but it’s clear to both - they’re equally confused.

Tenma hasn’t hinted at any issue to either of them, and Shindou doesn’t quite know how to feel about that realization. He doesn’t mean to assume, but… well, as far as he knows, the brunet is an open book.

Especially to him and Tsurugi, or so Shindou had thought.

(Tenma respects him, he knows. It's clear the young brunet values his opinion, but he's also comfortable enough to approach Shindou with his issues and insecurities. To ask for help. To let himself be vulnerable.

Shindou appreciates that, could even say he's honored by the faith the brunet puts in him.

So to find out there's apparently something - a situation that seems to be the norm rather than the exception, based on Tenma's reaction - that has such an impact on the brunet, which he hasn't even hinted at towards Shindou nor Tsurugi…

Well, it throws him off more than he thought it would.)

The captain doesn't seem to have noticed the slowly increasing attention on him, too focused on whatever conversation he's having. One that's clearly not going well. “Are you certain?” he asks, sounding dull, and Shindou grimaces. That sounds very different from the Tenma he's used to, and it feels wrong.

‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to complain.’’

That is…

Shindou has to look away from Tenma then. He can’t stand the sight of him so muted, so wrong, and he gets the feeling he is intruding on something he has no right to know about.

Instead he exchanges a look with Kirino next to him, the defender appearing just as startled as the strategist imagines he himself looks.

‘’Alright. I understand.’’ The words are mumbles but where they would otherwise have gone unheard, now the team has become silent enough for it to be picked up. ‘’Right. Goodbye, then.”

Tenma hangs up and drops his phone carelessly in his bag. Then he sighs softly, staring at the ground for several seconds before getting to his feet with the intent to get changed.

Shindou debates saying something, thoroughly unsettled because he's seen Tenma worried, sad and even angry a few times, but this… this is somehow worse. Clearly upset about something and yet shrugging it off completely at the same time. He's got no idea how to handle this new side of his friend, and he doesn't like it one bit.

He doesn’t seem to be the only one doubting themselves, something hesitant in the air as the team waits - for what, Shindou can’t quite tell. For Tenma to explain? The captain doesn’t even seem to notice their focus on him as he pulls off his suit jacket, but the strategist can’t help but wonder if that’s really the case. Either the brunet is so lost in his own thoughts he doesn’t notice the unusual quiet in the changing room, or he’s pretending.

It’s Tsurugi who breaks first, and Shindou feels a little relieved. Whatever issue Tenma may be facing, his guess is that he'll most easily open up to either Shinsuke, Tsurugi, or Shindou himself. He's never asked for the details but he knows Tenma and Tsurugi share a lot - Tsurugi about his brother and his time as a Seed, and Tenma about his insecurities.

“What was that all about?” the striker mumbles from the brunet’s other side, a quiet offer to talk about it.

Tenma stills in the midst of securing the captain's band around his arm.

He doesn't even look at his best friend and there's a sudden, horrid feeling of dread in the pit of Shindou's stomach that he doesn't know the origin of.

“Nothing to concern yourself with,” Tenma says evenly, and that's it. He goes back to changing like nothing happened. Like his team didn't just watch him act more cautious and restrained than he did while they traveled to the future.

He hadn't even hesitated.

Hadn't even seemed to consider talking to his team - and sure, that might not be considered odd if it were anyone else, but this is Raimon. They are arguably closer than any other team, after everything they've faced together. It's their whole thing, their never ending support of each other and their strong bonds, the reason they've made it this far, and if there's anyone who enforces that stereotype, it's Tenma.

And yet he hadn't even spared Tsurugi a single glance as he'd answered.

Shindou doesn't know what to think.

With the sudden, painful, and most importantly unusual sense of awkwardness in the air, Raimon finishes getting changed. Coach Endou shows up not long after, as bright and enthusiastic as he always is, and at least that manages to lighten the mood a little. He repeats their strategy once more, supported by Haruna refreshing the most important data on the Arakumo team, and the boys listen intently to his advice until he dismisses them with a few minutes to spare.

There's chatter in the changing room again, the excitement at the prospect of a match against a team as challenging as Arakumo resurfacing, and yet Shindou still finds himself watching his captain.

The brunet doesn't join in on any conversations, lips thin and shoulders still a bit tense.

He approaches Aoi.

The girl looks up from where she's preparing towels for the boys for later, her smile fading the moment she catches sight of him in favor of a frown. “Are you okay?” she asks.

Tenma mutely shakes his head, eyes downcast.

Aoi reaches out for him, catching him by the shoulder. She seems worried, but there's something in the way she approaches the brunet that seems to speak of experience.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Tenma, finally, cracks a smile. “Later,” he tells her. “Wanna join Aki-nee and I for dinner?”

The girl immediately brightens, both at the offer and the prospect of supporting her childhood friend. “I'd love to. I'll let my parents know, do I need to text Aki-san for you?”

“Please.”

The whole interaction speaks of familiarity and care. Shindou, objectively, knew they were friends, childhood friends. Knew they live in the same neighborhood, knew they hang out together often.

Knowing is different from seeing.

The way Aoi had immediately seen something was up, the way she'd known exactly how to react. How Tenma talks to her so easily when he'd seemed painfully uncomfortable with the team, had, in fact, approached her himself because he wanted to talk. The easy invitation for dinner, something they're apparently both so used to that they hadn't even considered that either Aoi's parents or Tenma's guardian could have any problem with the sudden change of plans.

There's a trust there. A trust that, until ten minutes ago, Shindou had believed to extend to the rest of the team.

As the two first-years keep talking, Tenma smiling once more, the strategist is suddenly struck with the feeling he just intruded on something private yet again. He turns away sharply.

And catches Tsurugi's gaze once more.

Seems like he wasn't the only one keeping an eye on Raimon's wayward captain - and from the frown pulling at Tsurugi's lips, it's clear the striker recognized the same thing he did.

Tsurugi is far too good at masking his emotions, but for once Shindou can make out the confusion - and dare he say the hurt - in his eyes.

Though neither of them says a word, there's a quiet understanding between them.

For all that Tenma seems to depend on them, in the span of a single phone call it has become painfully clear that there’s a boundary that neither of them had been aware of before.

And Shindou can’t help but wonder why that doesn’t surprise him as much as he thought it would.

------------

Okay, so I tried to include Taiyou like you asked, but he didn’t want to be written. Neither did Raimon really realize they ‘messed up’, as you said, rather it’s a slow suspicion creeping up on them. This is sort of the start of the process in which Raimon realizes, ‘oh, wait, something isn’t exactly right here’.

That’s also because I’ve got some more things planned for them. Tenma has issues, but he’s also not the person to acknowledge them, or blame Raimon for their actions - but it still bothers him unconsciously and I’m hoping to build on that. Rather than outright telling Raimon, or even showing there’s a problem, he’d prefer to ignore his own feelings on the matter. He’s just not the type of person to keep grudges or blame others.

And then there's the rest of the team to consider - there's other people who still have opinions on what happened at the start of the year, but simply haven't brought it up while they were dealing with evil organizations and time traveling. Midori, for example, won't stay silent forever, and she's certainly no fan of how Tenma and Shinsuke were treated in the beginning.

Also, that phone call is actually important, but in the AR timeline is also something Tenma only faces during the third-year, AKA two years from this point in time. Very slow-going, basically, which is again why this drabble doesn't really solve anything.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed (despite the long wait, sorry about that)!

[celestial-bell-drop]

Did I ever post my Pressure OC? Probably not

Well, here she is!

Info under the cut

If you can’t see in the corner, her name is Nori. The sea creatures she was infused with were as followed:

- Atlantic ghost crab

- Whale shark

- Koi fish

- Beta fish

- Lemon shark

She was tested on for genetic study, which is why she has so many patterns on her. The basic idea was: “What’ll she look like when we infuse all these colorful creatures into her?”

Her backstory is pretty straightforward lol - She was a higher rank working for Urbanshade and she was the second tester to get gills infused into her body while the surgery was still getting ironed out, which meant that there was a mutation. She was slowly developing extra limbs and her legs were beginning to fuse together. Very. Slowly.

Eventually, she told an elite about this and instead of getting medical help, they just demoted her to an experiment, took away her duties and privileges in the company, and got tossed into a cell.

Her number is Z-38

While Sebastian was getting his tests, the company was figuring out what to do with Nori. The breach that he caused was actually during a test to infuse an electric eel into her body, which was obviously cut off before the DNA could get injected. The scientists died to anglers rushing through the side rooms and Nori’s containment area was broken.

After the breach and the chaos died down, she met the p.AI.nter, who directed her to Sebastian.

Sebastian was getting his little hideout ready for living in when Nori crawled through the vent. Sebastian was aware of her, but had never met her. He eventually, and very reluctantly, lets her stay with him because she’d die if he didn’t.

If she was in the game, she would be on the balcony next to Sebastian’s head, sleeping. If the player shakes a gummylight in the shop enough times, she’ll wake up and follow them to the Ridge. Until then, she’ll kill wall dwellers and warn the player of Pinkie and fake doors.

She’s generally pretty lazy and often will complain when someone wakes her up. Otherwise, she’s really helpful and despises wall dwellers with a passion.

Her design was made up as I went honestly. The webbed fingers, dot on her tail, and the necklace were all just “Hmm, what if I did this?” But I gave them ✨significance✨

Bandages - She was badly wounded before the breach and Urbanshade refused to clean her up so she has multiple dirty bandages on her body. Some of them are for open wounds, others are just to cover her.

Necklace - She was engaged to a woman back up on the surface (She’s lesbian) and like a lot of headcanons about Sebastian’s ring, she eventually outgrew it and put it on a piece of string to remember her fiancé.

Extra arms - crab

Dot on her tail - Koi fish

Lines on her waist - stretch marks from her tail forming

Scarf - It’s cold as shit down in the Blacksite, I’d think

Six eyes - “Hmm, what if I did this?” And it stuck

Blue hair - Genetic alteration and also her human form kinda had grayish-blue hair. No she’s not old, she’s 24.

Extra stuff

- Her ear fins align with her emotions

- She absolutely has favorite Expendables… when she’s awake to see them.

- She will absolutely gossip with Painter and Sebastian

- She enjoys swimming, but only when it’s with Sebastian or Eyefestation. No way she’s going out into the Let-Vand Zone alone!

- Her top speed in the water is about 15 mph (24 km per hour) because of her whale shark and lemon shark DNA mixing together (Whale sharks can only go up to 3 mph and lemon sharks can go up to 25 mph)

- The Good People scare her

- She was an aspiring author when she was a human but worked as a marine biologist because her dad desperately wanted her to be one

Okay thanks for reading my ramble :D

[possiblylando]

Some of my HTP theories

(Mostly about future plotpoints) 1. Big D looking so young is a plot point and not just a reference to TTS. You probably get what I'm going to say so let's just do some math. We know Markus is at least 30. We'll lowball and say he's 32 since birthday remarks make it sound like it wasn't recent. We know Door is older than Markus. Boy is 11 (as of current) and if we Lowball door's age again (35, 3 year age gap which I doubt is correct) he could've had boy when he was around 24. Then if we assume D had Door in this early 20s, We'll say 20 exactly as another lowball. That would place D at bare minimum 55 years old. My actual estimate is somewhere between 60-70. Yet he has no notable greying hair (ignoring lighting highlights) and is built like a brick shithouse who's able to manhandle brock of all people. As such it makes logical sense to assume there's some fuckery going on with how D ages (or doesn't). I doubt D is a vampire- or was a vampire I saw that theory awhile ago on reddit. What I think is more likely is that he gained immortality through mage fuckery. There's a character in Dorohedoro who's an old man but he got hit by age reduction magic so he's stuck being physically like 14. I think D has something similar going on. 2. Door is going to leave the family. I was thinking of saying "Door will betray the family" but that doesn't really fit. D's biggest flaw is that he's too secretive. There's currently no evidence that he's even told the rest of the family about Kevin being alive. Markus has some inkling of it because of the cop but I doubt he's put anything together. We all of course know Kevin is genuinely on D's side now, but Kevin can't be kept a secret forever. Eventually his existence is going to come out and when it does, I can not foresee a future where Door is happy about it. Door was willing to forgive D's secrets because they were to protect the family. But if he finds out D has been keeping a vampire alive and as an ALLY no less I can see that trust crumble down. Door has of course made his opinions on vampires VERY clear. As such if he finds out about Kevin not from D but from another incident he's going to have to make a choice. -Either stick to his morals and leave the family to hunt vampires on his own (maybe taking boy with him). -Or accept that his entire worldview on vampires is flawed and some of them can be saved. 3. Grimal is the ghoul, But she won't die. This kind of ties into the previous one as well. I went over a good chunk of the evidence surrounding Grimal being the ghoul in another post. I'll quickly summarize it here; -Grimal is known to crawl through the vents -She was in the security room when Occam was attack and the only way to get into the vault is through the door or air vents. -If she has vampire magic it could explain why brock's knives all broke when he tried to use them. -She has attachments to the people at the arcanum so wouldn't want to kill them. Which is why Occam didn't die. There's of course more evidence but this is all just summary. Now my actual theory is that Grimal is going to be found out and either D, Markus, or Kitten will go up to bat for her and this is when D will reveal he has a way to deal with ghouls. We know from Kevin that being a ghoul is similar to the blood pact where you're basically completely fucked and under control of your superior. Which is why I could see them trying to help her. Now think back to Guy Chapman, he hasn't actually served much purpose in the story being a ghoul. His existence is world building. It shows that ghouls can be anyone and anywhere. He also shows that ghouls can switch masters like he switched to Kevin. The idea is that Guy is set up so that when Grimal eventually undergoes the same thing it won't be an asspull/reveal it'll be an extension of pre-established mechanics. Door will of course NOT be happy about this.

[nerves-nebula]

rambling about intrusive thoughts. under the cut cuz this got long

speaking of which, i've always found it a bit hard to describe what its like having intrusive thoughts because the definition is that you're upset by them or would rather not have them. but if you look into therapy it's kind of about accepting they exist and just moving on and I basically just did that on my own by figuring out my moral code and refusing to believe in thought crimes.

so like. sure i don't have these thoughts on purpose but at this point i don't really mind like 90% of them? like im not going to be very upset about the shit that flashes through my mind hundreds of times a day because most of it doesn't matter to me.

it reminds me of that post thats like, being in recovery/working on your issues can look like faking your issues to people who don't know better, because you arent performing how you are at your lowest.

I do not spiral about my more taboo intrusive thoughts. the violence the sexual shit the disgusting stuff is like whatever to me. I couldn't care less if i tried. its like if my brain says "you're a pedo" I'm like "L + ratio + you've been saying that since i was like 10 years old + who cares, I'm not a rapist so it literally doesn't matter either way + get off my dick" and at this point i basically just roll my eyes at the suggestion. like ok what are you catholic? shut uppppp.

the thoughts that REALLY get stuck and annoy me are the ones about, like, social issues. they can really bother me if I can't find a way to get them out of my head cuz i can't stop thinking about this thing that upset me like, morally. stuff that i wanna vent about but the subject matter is so complicated i'd have to write an essay and i'm so emotional that if i ever posted those essays it would NOT go well lmao. im thinking like that one email that character wrote in detransition baby but omg i can't talk about that book or we'd get so off track. it was good tho.

which is why the internet can be really bad for me sometimes lol. i keep seeing things that make me go "thats wrong/doesnt consider this perspective/stupid" and it goes round and round.

anyway this all got wayyy longer than i meant it to.

the POINT i was trying to make is that it gets strange trying to define intrusive thoughts if you're more or less dealing with them fine. cuz its like oh yeah i have all these thoughts that would scare a lot of people. but i dont care lol. do they distress me? no not usually. do i really mind having them? also no. at this point i don't care if i have them or not. does that mean they aren't intrusive anymore? i have no idea.

I can only assume they still are because they are ongoing and frequent and part of a bigger pattern and focused on taboo stuff that would upset the average person and all that jazz. but i am just not distressed by them at all (unless I am in a very bad place emotionally but that has to be VERY SPECIFIC and even then the usual intrusive sexual/violent thoughts I have do not bother me. it's gotta be the more niche shit to give me brain worms)

but all of that takes a long time to explain so i usually just say i have intrusive thoughts if it ever comes up.

[jamisonwritestf2trash]

Salutations! Yesterday, I had the fortune to enjoy the rain for a while and jump into some puddles, it was fun hoohoo. When I went home, I realized that it could be a good writing prompt for my mutual —you!—, so...

What would the mercs do if they saw a puddle of water?

TF2 Mercs Reactions To Finding A Puddle After It Rains!

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THIS IS SO CUTE!

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I'm glad you enjoyed the rain and the puddles! Also, the fact that people do things and then think of me is just so ugh I love it 😭

Mutual appreciation comment! Love you and your posts. I also love the fact that we both love the same silly old German man 💖

Also I'm totally not putting off my actual work I should be doing to do multiple headcanon lists. Nope, not me. (Also also this is a great alternative to crying over the fact that I lost my keys for a second time)!

BUT ENOUGH VENTING LETS GET TO THIS PROMT!

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Demo- I'd like to think he'd be down for splashing around and having a good time, but this is Demo we're talking about so.... he definitely slipped, cracked his head, and passed out. Once he wakes up though he tries again and has a good time.

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Engie- Not really a fan of jumping in puddles, more of a fan of watching the water ripple and move when you walk through them. If no ones around he might even find a couple of rocks and drop them to see what the water does.

————————————————————

Heavy- Unless the puddle is like really big, I don't really see him jumping in one. HOWEVER. Likes the noises that water makes when you walk through it. He thinks the small splashing noises are cute!

————————————————————

Medic- I know he's an old man. I know this, I understand this, I've accepted this. Doesn't change the fact that he is, in fact, a little German boy who has, on more than one occasion, said "Yippee!' upon seeing something he was really excited about. This man would jump in a puddle no hesitation, and he'd have fun too, sure he'd look insane to any rational passerby, but he doesn't care. What do you expect from a man this silly? ALSO, if Archimedes is with him, he'll also splash in the puddle for fun, Silly man has a silly bird, who would have guessed?

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Scout- "Why would I jump in a puddle, only like little kids and babies do that." The second no one else is around this man is splashing around in a puddle. He's hyper aware of what's going on around him though, lest he be caught having fun. Because having fun is super lame and embarrassing right guys?

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Sniper- Another case of pretending they don't want to do that but would actually have fun if they did. He's not really used to doing "childish." things as an adult. But maybe if he saw another merc doing it, he could be persuaded to join in.

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Spy- He wouldn't. He just wouldn't. He's the kind of dude who would lay something down to walk over a puddle. He physically cringes if he has to step in a puddle. He's just a baby about it.

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Soldier- HE'D HAVE SO MUCH FUN! The only merc who could possibly have more fun is Pyro, but we'll get to them in a minute. Will jump in a puddle, no hesitation. Splashes around and has a good time, and he genuinely enjoys the little things in life!

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Pyro- Has the most fun out of everyone! He loves it when it rains, ironically enough. They definitely have paper boats they put in the puddles and little rubber ducks in the deeper ones. Will stay outside for hours after it rains. They love it so much, they get so happy. They even have white polkadot rainboots.

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Ahhhh! This was so fun. Thank you for requesting this. I hope you like it 💖

[feelingsstorm]

Well, I never thought I would write something like this again on this blog, and there will be many who are not interested or care about this, but I write it for my conscience.

I opened this account many many years ago, in another life it seems, when I was very young, innocent, and broken, probably if you go down far enough you will find old posts of mine, despite having deleted several, it was a blog that I did not use much, more than anything I used it to vent and feel accompanied in my depression.

Nowadays, despite having worked hard on myself, some days are very difficult anyway, I turned my content to something "more sexual" because in some way it helps me, and it always has, even in my worst moments, I resorted to porn and masturbating to help me, it may not make much sense to some, but it does to me.

That being said, I am a grown woman today, doing the best I can, bad days and all, I try to put all the will I have into it to go forward. For starters, at least I don't hate myself constantly anymore, I've learned to love myself in spirit and in the way I look, and I work really hard for that, I'm a real person. Having gone through such a bad time in my life, I never judged or treated someone badly for their physique and I plan to not start now, if I'm not interested or attracted to them I let it go and that's it, so in that sense, I don't understand the need to comment negatively about me 😒.

I am aware of how I look, I have a mirror in my house, I'm not a model or the stereotype of a woman or a porn actress, I'm real, and I'm a great woman. And it's not an ego thing, I know how to fuck, I know how to please and I know how to make people feel good in sex, that's real and better than any false promise made online. So I'm not going to allow some random guy to come and downgrade me just because he doesn't see what he wants on my blog. Clearly, I can't upload porn videos because they'll close my account and also, why would I do it for free? I've never charged for any of this, I've done it because I like it, but believe it or not, I don't live to please others, I please myself, I'm the only one who counts, you guys have a ton of free content of all kinds at your fingertips but the problem is me? That I don't show enough? Get a life...

Finally I add, despite what I publish do not forget that behind all the facade this is what there is, it's a person, I don't appreciate bad comments or childishness from anyone, I like to talk about life as well as sexual things but always with respect, clearly I am not glued to the phone 24/7 because I have a life outside of this, I answer when I can and sometimes I don't succeed in being the sexy woman, because I'm simply tired.

I also understand that everything here is temporary, we all look to escape for a while and share a few things to pass the time, but it doesn't mean we can't talk and share for more than 5 minutes. I'm not a porn page nor do I live at your disposal, I don't send photos, because I do not want to do it for you, if I do it has to be because I wanted to, period.

[mysticbeeinatree]

If Only

a/n: I apologize, it's been a long time since I have written any fanfiction especially angst but I hope you enjoy! Please do not take, copy, or repost my works thank you!

Ageless and blank profiles will be blocked! (Even if the post isn’t nsfw)

Word count: 744

CW: angst and thats it!

You and Nanami have known each other since you both had gone to Jujutsu High. You were there to tease him about his haircut and to see him grow into the dutiful, strong man that he is. You were devastated when he left and relieved and ecstatic when he returned. You don’t want to lie to yourself, but the thought of having the feelings you do for him is too much to take at this point. You thought you were over him. Time after time the heartbreak you’ve felt, unbeknownst to him. He has no idea the mental turmoil you put yourself through every time you were studying with him, doing a project with him, even just thinking about him. 

You were there when he suddenly started bringing in bags from the bakery that you would pass together sometimes after work. You knew he had a little bit of a sweet tooth and would make fun of him every time he sat down munching on his pastry. You were there when he introduced you to his new lover, smiled pleasantly when they joyously told you they met one day when Kento stopped to get some breakfast one morning. Nodded and listened as the woman laughed remembering the way he seemed to have a glint of relief every time he saw her. Even laughing yourself when they recalled how he asked her out, his cheeks a light pink hue as he cleared his throat and slightly avoided her eyes when he vocalized his overly rehearsed lines. She giggled and ever since then they were an item. 

Although, that was back then. You were there when that relationship ultimately ended when she couldn’t understand why he was always working. You were there for him to let his guard down and have someone to rely on. There for him to vent or to be a distraction for him, maybe a bit selfishly enjoying the company of him with you once again. Patting his head when he would lean on your shoulder, relishing in his warmth when he needed a hug, loving this feeling of him wanting or needing you to be around. Even if it was just for a moment. 

Things began to get busy and you both would spend less and less time together. You started teaching 3rd year students while he took on more and more missions. The both of you barely had time to talk, but you were happy, since he was busy he didn’t have time to think about how he was feeling. Even then, you’d reminisce about the times you were so close. Funny that history seems to repeat itself over and over. Messages became more and more sparse until ultimately that communication ended altogether. 

It had been years since then. You find yourself looking at old pictures, that tight feeling in your chest once again. Looking at his contact information for the nth time this week deciding what to do. Instead of putting the phone down you began to type. “Hello Kento, it’s been a really long time.. How have you been? Is Gojo still getting on your nerves, go easy on him he took a liking to you, you know? I’ve been okay, just been working so much recently. Remember the good old days when we could hang out or something once the day was over haha I miss those days.. Honestly Nanami I miss you, I think about you every day. I wish things had been different.. I.. I miss you and I love you so much. I love you.” Pushing send, there was some weight that lifted off your heart and your chest. 

“Not delivered.” You knew that message wouldn’t go through. It’s been years since the incident. Since you walked into that subway terminal and fell to your knees.Unable to fully grasp the situation, not even Gojo was there to help with the pain. Years since the darkest period of your life began. If only you had been there, if only you could have done something to help him, anything. Another selfish part of you thought about how he would never even know about your feelings and how maybe just maybe things could have turned out differently relationship-wise or even overall if you had said something before Shibuya. Of course not and it doesnt help to think that way, but you can’t help it. If only you could talk to him one more time. If only…

[voidsuites]

okay, vent post here so buckle up. sorry if it’s too serious for this blog, but i needed to show it.

as a Ukrainian, i left my country when i was barely 11 and went to south america because the war started. i wasn’t old enough to understand the outcomes that could possibly lead to the war in actuality. we needed to leave for our own safety. we needed to leave because either way we were gonna die there eventually; most russians didn’t (don’t) care about our race, our opinions, our culture, our politics, our freedom. it’s been going for centuries, not years, so we and israel have something in common. to know how does it feel to be oppressed.

my mom used to say that everything will be okay, but with every day you DO lose hope when something like today happens — it’s been going on like this for us for decades; but i know i could not understand how does it feel to be in the minority in u.s.a and be seen like an existing, walking crime.

regardless, i do, i REALLY do, hope that this generation won’t let hatred take over themselves as it did with mine. i know being angry and a hater feels like the right decision —hell, i am being angry and hating on my ““brother”” county because they’re killing us— like something you’ve been building up for years and can finally let go on people —white, in my case— who ‘deserve’ this, but please, don’t let it get into your head. no one will feel safe if we’re gonna start hating each other. minorities, black, hispanic, white, NO ONE.

i feel for you americans. i’m not sure how everything will go from now on, but i am one hundred percent sure that it depends on us. don’t let the government and the ‘high grounds’ let your hopes down, because it won’t happen if people keep fighting. does su*cide looks tempting right now? very; it was always like that since COVID started (for me, personally). does it mean we should act on it, if OUR opinion and OUR actions can define how the country will keep running? no, absolutely not. i’m not telling to people who want to kill themselves to stop it —i am no professional by any means; it’s not my right to tell you what to do with your life— but if you CAN make change, why don’t you?

i love you all. i’m very happy that we met each other over tumblr, guys. everything will be okay

i love you too.

but my mere existence has become political. it has been political since i was born. i am a black, mexican, queer woman who lives in a blue state— but regardless of that, my existence has been political long before i even realized it. people who have no idea what i’ve been through and what life i’ve lived think it’s necessary to regulate my own body because they think i’m not capable of doing so. they think because i am non-white that i am not worthy of respect or equal treatment under the law. they think because of who i love that i am less-than-human.

i don’t have the luxury to not dislike someone who has voted for him. when they voted for him, they voted against ME— against everything i am, the fabric of my being, everything that makes me me. i wish i could say didn’t hate anyone who voted for that fucking felon, but i do. it’s the truth. they voted against basic human decency and fundamental human rights because neither of those were enough to overpower their selfish self-interest. i don’t wish to associate with anyone who voted for him, nor do i like them. they’ve clearly voiced that they’re okay with ignoring hate-based ideologies if it means they might “benefit” (they won’t)

he intends to strip away every little thing we can even do in terms of voicing our opinions— he’s been saying from the get go that this would be the last election EVER that we’d have to vote in— is that + the countless false bomb threats + russian interference + in-state interference with mail-in voting/ballot counting not proof enough that they don’t want to even consider what the people want anymore? and i’m not saying that this is reason to give up, but they intend to strip everyone of their autonomy in one way or another, and they will if we allow them to. and we’ve just given them the keys to fucking do it.

i just need to rant and be angry and be upset and be disappointed in the way we’ve let each other down here? because at the end of the day, people voted for that felon because they thought he was the better candidate. and that is appalling.