#But seriously have some respect and do not fucking repost any of our shit without at least ASKING first

[marauder-exe]

AU list!

hi! These are a bunch of Au’s that i could write,and you could request! (reposting because it didnt work the first time)

General

Fake dating (My personal favourite)

Soulmates

Coffee shop

Modern Royalty

Rockstar

Running From The Police

Rebel Against The Goverment

High School

University

Law school

Delayed-Flights-And-Were-Stuck-In-The-Airport-And-Its-Like-2Am

Roommates

Road Trip

Arranged Marriage

Im-Arranged-To-Marry-Your-Brother-But-Were-In-Love

Amnesia

Tattoo-Artist-And-Coffee-Shop-Worker

Loved-Since-Childhood

Professor-Student (of age)

Met-On-Holiday

More detailed

21.You were singing/playing guitar/etc. in the park to protest the war and a policeman tried to dismiss you for 'disturbing the peace' but you argued that you were promoting peace and things got heated and next thing you know you're being arrested for assaulting an officer. You intrigue me, so I'm here to bail you out and maybe take you on a date?

22.the nice one who everybody loves with the grumpy and strict one that the students hate and the students wonder?????????how what the fuck

23.we just had a one-night stand but a massive storm hit so now we’re snowed in, hello awkward

24. i sit at the rental booth at our local ice rink and watch you teach children how to skate

25. alternatively, i watch kids teach you how to skate because you’re a terrible skater

26. i’m running late to an important interview/meeting and you accidentally spill your hot cocoa all over my outfit

27. you’re my hot ski instructor and i’m failing the bunny hill

28. i slip on some ice and you’re the stranger who catches me

29.  i gave my winter coat to a homeless person and come into your store to warm up

30. our friends rent a cabin to go skiing and we’re the only ones who stay inside

31. you’re the asshole of our group and we don’t get along, but then i find out you make soup for the local shelter

32.we’re waiting in line for the club when you complain that your roommate stole your gloves so let me warm your hands up with mine

33.my family invites you to join our holiday meal as an obvious setup and i’m so sorry

34.the power goes out in our apartment building, but i’m not prepared for this, and you come to check on me

35.i’m having a snowball fight with my friend in the park and i hit you instead

36.a storm is delaying our flight home and i’m afraid of thunder, please talk to me while we wait

37. we’re both in small claims court and i got into a huge fight with the person suing me but you stepped in to hold me back before security got there

38. i drove two hours to the closest video rental store that’s still operating and you were checking out the only copy of the movie i was after

39. i hit you with my car but luckily you’re okay, but we should still exchange information i guess

40. i was worried about buying something off of someone creepy from craigslist but oh no you’re hot

41. my friend talked me into playing a drunken game of spin the bottle even though we’re all adults and now we have to make out

42. we both decided to take a [yoga/fencing/cooking etc] class and we’re the only two assholes not taking it seriously and everyone else is giving us dirty looks but we keep grinning over at each other

43. my date just made a scene in public and got arrested and now i’m stranded in a city without a ride home

44. sharing a cab together

45. you’re trying to get me to sign a petition and i have no idea what you’re talking about

46. you’re drunk at this festival and dancing on the table and when you eventually fell i caught you

47. we both play this stupid game online and you keep beating me every single goddamn time so i called you out and you are pretty cute but can you not

48. im a bartender and you just came in here without shoes sat down and ordered a chocolate volcano and idk what the fuck that is and im scared to ask

49. we are neighbours and every night at 3:14 am you start yodeling for no fucking reason??? why???? is that you yodeling??? its been 2 months???

50.im a pizza delivery person and i just delivered a pizza to someone in the middle of a satanic ritual and they gave me their number???

51. i woke up this morning to find you sitting in my living room with a goat in a poncho??? who are you??? why is the goat wearing a poncho??? how did you get the goat in here i live on the 12th floor???

52. we work out at the same gym and you always look super legit but i know you sing hannah montana in the shower and you know i know

53. im a cashier and i saw you stuffing you pants full of potatoes and i would stop you but you already have 27 and i want to see how many you can fit

54. its 4 am and im drunk as fuck in a mcdonalds and you have been watching my trying to eat this burger for 30 minutes

55. i was playing beer pong with a coin and i accidentally threw it right into your eye at a party

56. i’m at the beach and some kids thought it was funny to bury me in the sand when i dozed off can you please dig me out

57. it’s unbearably hot and we’re both fighting over the last handheld electrical fan at the shop at the amusement park

58. hey i just met you, and this is crazy, but i get sunburned really easily so can you please help me put sunscreen on my back?

59. thunderstorm after a menacing heatwave and we’re both getting weird looks for dancing in the rain

60.i have no idea who you are but you just fainted right in front of me holy shit dude you need to drink more in this heat

61. we both chased after the leaving ice cream van like ten-year-olds and now we’re both out of breath and a bit embarrassed

62.i clearly reserved this deck chair by putting a towel on it why on earth are you lying on it who the fuck do you think you are

63. My friends bet I wouldn’t buy these three weird and questionable items and you’re my cashier.

64.Once a week I go visit the pet store just to stare at the cute kittens and puppies and you’re the nice employee who always lets me hold them and wait I think I’m going to cry hold on.

65.You’re the DJ of the University’s radio station and every time you give an opinion on a current event I have to call and argue with you because could you seriously be anymore wrong?

66.We both wait tables at the same restaurant and you’re always mad at me by the end of the night because I make more in tips

67.We have the same class and once a week you wear this graphic shirt I don’t understand and I really want to ask you about it.

68.We both work at the same craft store that literally has no customers so we have nothing to do and I’m always reading at the register but you always have to criticize my book choice what the hell?

69.I’m working the concession stand for this week’s home game and this is the fifth time you’ve come back for snacks wait are you flirting with me?

70. we’re at a bookstore and you and I seem to have similar taste in books have you read this one? How about this one?

71. you look like you need help and I’m a professional roller/ice skater but I don’t want you to feel bad about how much you suck but wow you suck

72. You ordered your food before me and they gave you a drink you didn’t want so you gave it to me

73. We’re sitting at adjacent computers in the library and I’m taking extra care not to look at your screen out of respect but what the fuck do you keep laughing at

74. as a joke I yelled out “happy birthday to someone!” in this store and you called back “thank you!” who are you

75. You heard me talking about a TV show in class the other day and now you’re passionately yelling at me about how good it is we’ve never actually spoken before

76. It’s 10:30 at night and I left my glasses at home so I can’t read any of these labels and you’re one of the only people in the grocery store and GODDAMMIT DO YOU HAVE ANY TOMATO SAUCE WITHOUT CHUNKS

77. We go to the same support group; I have social anxiety and you’re a kleptomaniac who sorta stole my heart

78. You thought you were alone at the bus stop so early in the morning so you started passionately singing Fall Out Boy but your Patrick Stump impression could use some work and I’m not really afraid to point that out

79. I’m an artist and you have a really nice face so would you mind if I drew you?

80. We’re rival up-and-coming singers and every time one of us releases a new single the other does a cover to try to make it better; we’re always trying to top each other and out-cute each other, but half our fans aggressively ship us; our agents use this to their advantage and decide we should do a duet because it’ll be popular; unfortunately now that we’re in the same studio and I’ve seen what you’re like I really wanna know what your lips feel like

81.PLEASE I REALLY CANNOT FIND MY CAT AND I KNOW IT’S THREE A.M. BUT NEIL CATRICK HARRIS AND I WOULD BOTH APPRECIATE THE HELP

82. We were both stood up for dates at the same nice restaurant so we decide to eat together and split the check but I dunno you’re pretty interesting aside from your distractingly enormous eyebrows

83. We met at a mutual friend’s cheesy masquerade party and we agree that the only good thing about this party is the masks so you can’t judge a book by its cover only now that we’ve been talking I want to see your face but I don’t know how to ask

84. You used to date my friend who absolutely hates your guts after a messy breakup and now you’re flirting with me and I really shouldn’t be so interested in you but I am

85.We pass each other every day while we’re biking on the same path so we’ve started smiling at each other and one day you’re stopped because you’re having an asthma attack so I offer you my extra water bottle and now we’re talking and now I’M the one who’s breathless

86.I lost my little sibling in IKEA and I need your help finding them

87.I'm a private detective hired to follow you, but you're endearingly boring and mostly I just like watching you and oops, I sort of find you adorable.

88. You've been sketching me for half an hour now, and just shuffled up to hand me the finished product and it's TERRIBLE but you just wanted an excuse to talk to me.

89.  I'm at an art exhibit and I just badmouthed the art, because I don't get it, okay? And it turns out you're the artist. I'm so sorry, maybe I could get you coffee and you could explain what it was supposed to be?

90. We're the only two people who turned up to an underground gig and it should be awkward, but the band is amazing and you asked me to dance and hey, there's nobody watching but us.

91.  You live in the apartment next to me. We're not supposed to have pets, but I KNOW you have a cat. I'll make you a deal, I won't tell, if you let me pet it.

92.  I punched you because I thought you were insulting my friend, but it turns out you know each other and it was an inside joke and I'm so sorry, let me drive you to the hospital?

93. We both wanted to rent a bike for an hour but the only one they have is a tandem bike

94. I’m on a terrible date and you’re my waitor please help me

95.Our dick landlord just evicted us both

96.I’m your neighbor and I can hear you fucking someone who  shares my name

97. You’re sort of famous and we vaguely know each other through bumping into each other all the time but the media thinks we’re dating

98. Your roommate cheated on me and I just threw your laptop out the window thinking it was his

99. It’s 2am on the night of my 21st birthday and we gotta fix this fucking mess by morning or else we’re fucked

100.Fuck you and your bee farm I’ve had enough

Feel free to use any of these as your own! If you wanna request you could drop an inbox saying ‘ could you do ____ AU with this character’!

[floralkittygambler]

Reposting for reasons

Response to Honest’s post here: Doing this to spread this awareness more as I know theres a bit of a rift in the critical community - plus I really fucking go on. Im PISSED and I do apologise however it NEEDS urgent addressing. I know people will hate me for it but Im used to hate and honestly? Hating rather than helping to solve the issue only furthers my fucking point here. So yeah this is so more people are aware (no offense to any of those involved in said rift either, but this is an important message. Thank you for understanding and if I can do anything to make all sides comfortable, then please message me and I’ll do my upmost.) “ More awareness of this is needed. Even if it’s your favourite, you can’t justify their shit but rally against another’s shit. Have people tell you you’re experiences arent real or invalid because, like Husk, people have - in real life - shipped you with someone you are far from comfortable with but you still treat them like a person. Because you have basic respect. And people force you to accept harassment, touching, stalking, advances for THEIR satisfaction. People use you for their fantasies. But you’re just a ‘tsundere’ for it. Or you have addiction issues but people think being with another addict will ‘save’ you because you’re apparently too incompetent to save yourself. Love isnt some magic fuckin cure so stop romanticising it as a fuckin saviour. It’s gross and fuckin creepy. Get stalked and have someone NEVER accept your no just because you show youre still decent enough to not treat them shitty or any different from anyone else. Try having someone way older or way younger (both in morally fucked up ways) advance on you and people encourage that. People you’re supposed to feel safe around.

People touch you when you pull away or show discomfort. Follow you home. Have pictures of you and wont accept you dont like them like that and it’s not ‘playing hard to get’ or ‘the thrill of the chase’. Fuck. OFF. In fact, Im not only disappointed in the fandom. Im disappointed in the entire team who some should know better from their OWN personal experiences - or at least the bare minimal of being a fucking adult. Im disappointed in especially females (sorry idk whether girl or woman is more appropriate here-) who statistically are more likely to have experienced something similar at some point in their lives think this is a cute gay moment. No. Angel is made out as a fucking predator - Im not saying he is, Im saying that his persistence is very fucking unwelcome like one. People like Husk dont need that fucking invasiveness. They/We need patience and someone on our level. Angel’s I know are the fuckin polar opposite - and some of them I know are very sexually harassing, including unwanted touching. It’s a shitty way to present gay people. Gays are fuckin people. Some are cunts and some arent. It’s a HUMAN thing. But considering the shit theyve been subjected to, presenting a gay as a victim only to also show them as a perpetrator is insulting! And for those Ive seen argue this about how people like AD wouldnt know how to express their love normally and whatnot? His pig. His best friend. He’s in his fucking 30s. There are literal real life criminals who get molested as kids and then go on to molest kids. Not all who grow up like that turn into nonces. Stop just fucking STOP justifying and romanticising this bullshit! I used to see the good in AD but now he makes me fucking sick. Especially with my verrrrrry fucking real traumas and connections. But fuck me, eh? Because this fictional guy matters so much more. Fuck real victims. And whilst we’re at it, fuck AD too when it suits your fetishes! Sarcasm aside, the fans and the team need to straighten up their abhorrent behaviour. Stolas. Fucking clearly having an affair, knowingly fucking up his daughter’s mental health and bribing a guy into sex who only wants the book and nothing more. He even has a fucking warning button over Stolas- Guys, how do you think any of this is cute? Even the team gross me out- I genuinely see potential and talent and it’s all gone to shit to satisfy horny teens, horny adults, and literally everyone who doesnt for the life of them understand being an adult is more than sex, drugs, violence and swears! I REALLY want to keep enjoying HB/HH but it’s getting harder and harder with such ignorant and bordering lazy creators (note: lazy as in wont do the fucking research or actually listen to real criticism and victims), such despicable fans (yeah, some HDers fuckin mocked that they triggered my ED, yet they had the fucking NERVE to support Angel’s potential ED AND laugh and blame me for me getting treated so badly for actually having the balls to call Angel and the teams hypocrisy. I got told to kill myself, that my problems arent real - oh but Angels apparently is! Which... They *are* but AD isnt real so technically only onlookers will suffer and not a drawing  - and they just excused their toxic behaviours. These people are like “aww poor angie babey!” yet fuckin INSULT sex workers. All this red in Hazbin yet it feels everyone and they mama colour blind. The issues are getting worse and fans are outright becoming EVIL, VILE, Vindictive little bullies - from kids to adults. You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself if you conduct yourself in such a manner. And you need to readjust your attitudes and behaviours because the only fuckers getting hurt are actual fucking victims. Ever been violated and been gaslit so much you STILL fucking question it’s reality? So you drown that shit out yet somehow it’s effects still hit you? Fetishise it. Make it your uwu gae couple goals, you’re no better than people believing Harley and the Joker werent toxic af. If this shit happened to you, most of you would actually SEE where we’re all coming from. Also, stop making gay a fetish - you’re like those creepy old men in the alley heckling lesbians to make out so they can wank off. Gays, no ALL the LGBT+ are fucking people too. So dont give me that bullshit then start turning everything just gay or just straight to mentally wank off to. It’s degrading and dehumanising. And yes, fiction does effect reality. You crush on a fictional character? Mourn one? Support one? Hell, fuckin jerk off to one - that’s affecting reality. Remember how in fiction all blacks were treated as villians? Look how theyre treated IRL. JAWS, great classic unfortunately their was a spike in shark killings over a fucking movie - the shark in the movie wasnt even real for the most part because they dont behave like that! (Also the animatronic was so shit they genuinely had so many issues - I think they even took to naming each one! Some fun trivia there!). Tiger sharks are more nasty than great whites as tiger sharks will hunt and eat a human. Great whites prefer seals and dislike human flesh, they just mistake us for seals. Hell, theres the toothless basking shark - theyre often SWAM WITH by divers for being so friendly. Yet Jaws made people think all sharks are bloodlusting over humans. Slenderman was created for a fucking contest and that influenced a stabbing (NOT Victor’s fault). Watch a horror movie that isnt based on a real life event and tell me that at least ONE has left you peaking over your shoulder. Stella may be a bitch - we dont know for certain - but try getting cheated on. Y’know what? Try growing up in such a broken home like Octavia. Yeah reaaaaaal fucking cute now, huh? Funny how as well y’all petition for male victims to be taken seriously then laugh when fictional males experience this abuse, further adding to stigma. You can be hit on by the hottest mf on the planet but if you arent interested, that should be respected! Also we’ve all been inspired by at least one fictional character so yeah. Yknow, since I was little Ive been fighting for sex worker and homeless rights. But HH/HB treatment of both leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I’ll still fully support sex workers and the homeless, but that’s the fucking effect this show is having. Bearing in mind I wont ever share everything Ive been through - and I shouldnt fucking have to in order to be believed and validated (obvs proof is required in a legal case but that’s a whole other topic). Why should I share MY fucking pain especially when you fuckers have belittled and triggered it more so? We have our rights to our secrets but fuck ME you lot NEED to start acting appropriately and like decent fucking humans. ‘iTs HeLl’ yeah and welcome to Earth- the team and yourselves live HERE. You obide by THESE rules. And as someone with beliefs (and a LOT of ancient fucking texts and studies on this shit) their Hell isnt even a proper Hell! It’s closer to purgatory and even then it’s not. Regardless, it’s a poorly built world with the lore consistently changing per episode and tweet, with many plot holes, and is apparently easy to get into - even via accidentally watching porn according to a stream. If youre gonna parade youre a fucking expert and research into demonology and use real believed figures, at least get THAT right. In fact, Lucifer and Lilith (and Stolas tbf) are ESPECIALLY risky as theyre a lot more complex than most easy access texts will tell you. Likewise, Stolas’s first introduction and main focus is sex. He’s one of the FEW Goetia demons that dont have some involvement in relationship issues at ALL. He’s known for astrology, crystals and herbs but hes also known to aid MONEY troubles (it’s lesser known but it’s true! HB Stolas is an insult to the Prince). Turning Vodou into something evil is vile considering it’s powerful and liberated slaves. Pentagrams are nothing to do with Satan, they’re magic based sigils. Upside down cross is the symbol of a SAINT. It’s just some edgy attempt to trick people into believing they know more than they do. Also you should NEVER dabble and doodle sigils without knowing the meanings or respecting what they behold. Vox and Val, real fuckin cute way to make them look like a stupid fucking highschool drama instead of a fucking SEX TRAFFICKER (note: real pimps often target YOUNG folks too - aka minors - and groom them into sex work. Theres different types of pimp. Viv has shown barely any understanding of ‘the game’ and its a fucking insult to injury. Yes we KNOW what a fucking pimp and prozzie are! We dont need to see it. We need REAL AWARENESS.) and a fucking scheming bastard of a CEO salesman botman. And yet even THEN lets go a step further and make some yandere wuv on boyfweind aboose! Fuck off- Now I love a good anime but these tropes are getting fucking dangerous now. And unrealistic to real love and relationships. Kids nowadays know fuck all on a healthy relationship (neither did the fuckin 50s tbf) and Im seeing more romaticism and glorifying abusive situations. Like the show ‘You’. Ok, there’s a fuckin bloke online who slaughtered innocents and kidnapped yet people commented how cute he is on his IG and that they want to be kidnapped or killed by him next. Dont believe me? Look up Peter Manfredonia Connecticut and the comments people left him and then tell me why shit like whats being presented in HH/HB ISNT fucking concerning - because it is. For a series about redemption, it’s brilliant at the opposite (Quote from the creator herself, Viv has posted that it’s influencing her bad choices. Even as a joke, proof’s in the pudding). And the overall focus on sex in the way Viv does is so immature and really creepy, and this is from an ADULTS perspective. From one adult to another, Im concerned as to why any of them think this is a normal fixation. Then again they’ve hired quite a large amount of dodgy folks and even a child. Most of this shit gets avoided with a basic background check like most companies run. I DO like Hazbin. Or the premise. I love some of the cast and spite the others. In Helluva, I just like a tiny portion of the cast. And I critique it so harshly because Viv DOES need a wakeup slap, grounding to reality, people who arent going to big her up or kiss her arse for once and shape her up to be the best she can be. The actually reach and even surpass her potential. And to reach where you need to be, there’s a lot of harsh lessons youll face. That’s life. Shes chosen one of the most HEARTLESS industries and if she blocks out critique as ‘hate’ then she’s not strong enough and wont last. It’s just another unprepped YanDev again (except I dont believe Viv to be a nonce. Even with her dodgy past and dodgy present, I think her perspective on sex and relationship with sexuality is FAR from healthy BUT I dont believe she’s a pedophile. Ive bled my fair share and so far, I just think her sex perspective isnt healthy or mature for her age. But there’s little to nothing to suggest actual noncery - dont worry about accusations there. But YanDev is totally a dirty predator. Just clearing that up). Viv NEEDS some harshness and stability if she wants to do things right. And it’ll make her fucking cry but if she loves these projects as much as she claims to, then you’ll sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for that shit. Even the strongest points are mediocre at best when properly observed. She CAN do more, but she’ll have to face the harsh music. Viv wont see this, but if she does, I dont care if it upsets her. Why? Because this is that much of an issue - something she’s cultivated - that she needs to take action and not ignore it or be secretive about it. She needs to grow up and get tougher skin. Im not saying this to cause her pain. In fact, I wouldnt waste my fucking limited time if I DIDNT care. Trust me, I have duties to be met at a certain quota every single day. I say this shit only because I give a shit and care. If we met, she’d fucking hate me. But people like me are good for shaping people up to their potential. And we arent always this ‘tough love’ either. But when someone needs that level of harshness to help themselves, we’re not afraid to lose people or cause upset if the results end up being the best for them. If she ever saw this, she needs to re fucking evaluate her message, her story, and those she’s choosing to welcome into her circle. And all Im seeing is one rookie mistake after the other. Her paid patreon discord. Just like the messages Honest has posted on her side of being harassed (not in Vivs fyi), Ive experienced shit and bullying and even stay silent on their for being attacked for a group I fuckin paid to be in and yet I feel isolated. It’s all arsekissing and ‘thank you viv’ (thats an actual channel-) and it feels like a place of borderline worship and people trying to appease her 24/7 whilst kicking others with different opinions down. There’s so many I love but I aint kissin yer fuckin arse. Ask the closest friend I have - we’re fucking raw and wont just side with each other just because. We’ll call each other out if we think they’ve fucked up and then help each other build themselves up better. Because real fuckin people who actually care wont just want to be adored by you. They’ll care enough to point out your bullshit and help you, even if they upset you at the time. They’re real and upfront with you. People like us arent always the easiest to be close to either because we arent afraid of upsetting someone if it’s in their best interest and to help them. Likewise, we dont go out looking for fights either. Most times, we’re fuckin soft bastards- All this shit listed is the fuckin surface level of the real life hell of this fandom. And unsurprisingly, those who experience little to no toxicity have always been higher on that popularity ‘food chain’ - enough admirers and shared opinions that people wanna arse kiss regardless of their OWN feelings as well as neutral perspectives. I’d say you’re the lucky fans, but you’re not. You’re sheltered, and that isnt always the best way to be sadly. As for the fans. If Ive upset you. Well... I dont care. Because many of you have actively sought me out and weaponised my traumas against me. You never cared about my feelings then. Why should I care about yours? Im not doing this out of malice. Im fed up of humans behaving so pathetically yet claiming to be high and mighty. Most of you have been arseholes to those in and out of the community. The victims and non-victims alike. Hardly any of you considered once my real suffering. You put a drawing over a life. Many lives. You had the audacity to tell me Im full of shit. Some even using my real traumas to make a mockery of me and those Im around with a very similar history. Some with traumatic histories that differ from my own. You hardly ever considered the real lives of those effected. So no, Im not sorry for having the fucking balls to this day to still stand up for our rights and give us a voice that’s long been stolen. Im not sorry for being a fucking victim. Im not sorry for saying what desperately NEEDS voicing. And Im not sorry for not conforming to you or any fandom just to belong. We deserve better than to constantly be your fuckin arse monkeys (well... the trope is butt monkey but yknow-) and to be mistreated, misrepresented and harmed by you. You’re no different to the school bullies who give speeches on anti-bullying day. And I hope every single one of you starts looking into yourselves and improving. PS: Depending on the texts you read, Lucifer is said to have been redeemed or to be redeemed. Fun fact to haunt yalls with~ “

[sincerely-yours-always]

Diary thoughts:

Seeing her name in your most recent reposts makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Why you keep the act up, and why I still follow you just to see the same things over again are the same question....

I don’t want it if I can never tell when you’re telling the truth or lying anymore. If I have to beg you to leave someone alone. If I’m constantly finding new ways you keep her in your world. And why if you want her in it so badly, why you wouldn’t just leave me alone ?

You don’t understand why it hurts me. Why, when I see she follows “my” playlist, the one you had made for me, and listens to it and thinks of you... how would that not feel like a knife in my back? Out of everyone in the whole world and out of all your playlists, why wouldn’t it bother me that it’s her listening to that one? Why out of everyone in the whole world was it her reposting your dd/lg and love posts? Why out of everyone she felt comfortable enough to take your hoodie home and wear it? That photos of you are still on her profiles when you so strongly didn’t want me to post or tag you on my own.

You were in my house, I was lying on your chest. You were snapping someone named kat and hiding your phone from me. You later tried to explain it was your friends gf, and it was private and just didn’t want me involved in their personal stuff. When all the photos and everything came out, you know what crushed me? That I didn’t know if I could believe you anymore. The thought of you flirting with kitty over snap while I laid on your chest a few inches from you... and then lying to me. How do I know what’s true or not? When you’ve admitted to hiding certain things from me, and lying the past few months... when you told me nothing had happened between you two before I saw that photo of you two kissing. When you told me you’d blocked her, to rediscover you guys following each other again several times... or more tumblr pages and reposts. The sight of that photo, all photos of you two... gave me this sick turning feeling in my stomach. Like I was stuck on a park ride nightmare and it wouldn’t let me off.

You act like regaining trust is my duty alone. Like i need to ignore all previous behavior and write it off as the past / you guys don’t talk anymore. But it’s not. It’s not my duty alone. You don’t like the thought of me trusting you. But how am I supposed to rebuild trust alone? How can I believe someone who keeps saying one thing, but actions don’t seem to line up? When if she really doesn’t mean anything to you and you don’t talk, why it seems so hard to not involve her in your life anymore?

You say that you didn’t leave me for another girl, that you left. For the 3 months before you left, I tried harder than I ever did in my life. I worked so hard on myself and to prove that I loved you and that I was seriously trying to come over... and in my mind, we were still trying? Still dating/daddy-baby girl? Still in love and trying to make it work? But you were on tinder and drunk making out with this girl and going on museum dates and who knows what else... and you don’t call it cheating because you didn’t believe that I was trying to come back and kept repeating we weren’t officially dating again until I came back. But to me? I was trying so fucking hard and you were kissing that girl and lying to me and who knows how much else you don’t tell me until I find it myself... and to me, you betrayed my trust. I sent you cute birthday gifts and so much money and tried to help you so much and that whole time... that whole time, you were playing me. You were out partying and getting drunk and doing whatever you did with this girl, and then got mad when I started asking questions. And I can imagine you getting mad now, if I tell you myself that I felt cheated, you would get mad and make me feel guilty for leaving countries and “leading you on” by dating you for so long (like doing long distance didn’t hurt/cost me too, and like you were the only one going through it, or like you didn’t try to break up with me like 10 times) and like somehow in this whole scenario... I’m the bad guy. All I did was love you with my whole heart and try to be honest with you in the throes of so much complicated life shit?!? For me - in those last few months- you broke my trust, my heart, the idea I had of you in my head. The thought that you were honest and loyal and were trying hard with me to be “team we”. You were Daddy. Mine only. And suddenly my mind was opened to the possibility and reality that you weren’t just my Daddy anymore. That you could and would be a daddy to other girls, maybe even this kitty girl. Because how do I know anything you’ve ever told me to be true, except for the fact that I wanted to believe you were true and honest and good? The fact that you still have her on snap and have hung out with her enough to give her your Spotify ... like what, was she in your car? Were you giving her a ride and she heard your music and liked it? Have you seen her more often than you’ve led me to believe?

How do I know anything or trust anything, Daddy? Why would you come back and say we should try again, when the one who stopped trying was you? Are you going to change your mind in 2 days time? Are you going to leave me again when you’re tired of committing to me? Or see her or others casually without telling me again? Are you ever going to have her actually blocked from you completely? Or would I still be begging you a year, 2 years from now? How can I love you so much and be so angry at you for lying to me like that?!? For pushing me to utter vulnerability and honesty when you couldn’t even do that about this girl? You had pushed me to the point I was willing to buy a plane ticket for the next week just to prove my love and commitment to you, and you... were doing.... I wouldn’t know what you were doing because you stopped talking to me. You want me to forgive and forget because “we all have our own demons and weaknesses”, because “you’re human”, because “you’re lonely”? I WAS LONELY. All I wanted was you!! I begged you in that letter, I would try calling, I would send gifts, I felt so lonely with you. How is it that you said you loved me so much and made me feel so fucking alone? Why would I send money and gifts and cards and letters, why would I send photos and call everyday if I wasn’t trying? Why was I blamed for everything? For getting mad about this girl and looking for things online, for getting mad about you not replying for 48hours... I sent flowers to your mom after your grandmas funeral. You made me cry in the bathtub on my own birthday. For leading you on? When I’ve been through my own trauma and shit and didn’t know what to do or how to come back to you without my family’s approval... and you bullied me. You refused to give me love or support, or get rid of kat’s photos until I had a flight date for you, and you made me feel guilty about not knowing. Like I didn’t love you enough, like I had kept you from fucking other girls and living your life. Like loving me was a boring duty that you were stuck with. You came to visit me on this trip I was so excited for, and all of a sudden you had this huge ultimatum that sucked the life out of me for the second half of your visit. All I had wanted was to be with you and hold you and hug you and cry and laugh and not think about how hard life was for a while... and it was every second day that you were asking me about when I was coming back and if I didn’t have a flight date, we were breaking up, and I didn’t know what to do. My anxiety went through the roof at the thought of losing you and I couldn’t think straight, how is anyone (let alone someone struggling with mental health) supposed to make a big life decision under that pressure in that time crunch?!? Like here, try and enjoy this time with this person but also make a quick decision which could result in you losing your family or losing the love of your life?! All I was asking for was some time to process, that I would still try, that the answer was no for now but you went home and what, rejoined tinder immediately and said yes to go hang out / go on a date with kat?

I’m crying so hard my eyes hurt. You may not understand why this girl is such a big deal to me but she is. I am not, NOT NOT not nOT going to do it. If she is still around and still has feels for you and you remain in contact with her through any means, I’m not doing to get involved with you again. And that’s big for me to say. Because I’ve repeatedly called you the love of my life... I don’t think you’ve ever called me that. But not even the love of my life is worth my mental health and I’ve worked fucking hard to get myself to this point, to where I can say that. I think this is what a boundary sounds like. You worry about our ddlg dynamics and trust not being the same... I’m telling you it won’t be if my boundaries aren’t respected. What’s in the past does not stay in the past. It affects me, still today. Your actions may be in the past but those consequences still continue to hurt me. And I’m not getting mixed up in some is it love - is it boredom triangle. My boundary is that she goes or I go. You guys have history and she wants you, and what you’ve allowed to happen between the two of you had hurt me. To deny that or ask me to dismiss it without acknowledging the hurt you’ve caused... well. I’ve said what I’ve said. I can’t trust someone enough to be little and vulnerable and safe with them, if I’m constantly unsure if I’m the only one / made to feel like she’s still in your life. You want me to trust you, I want to trust you. I’ve said before that I would gladly delete old flames if it made you feel like I was being reciprocal, and I will. But if I’m considering this yes and want to try and make it work with you, “team we”, she’s gone. Blocked. Idc if it’s Spotify, snap, tumblr, TikTok, a phone call, Facebook, insta, youtube, email, a group chat, messenger... I want to know you respect me, my feelings, my mental health, my heart, my loyalty and my boundary. Help me rebuild my trust not just with words but with actions, and I’ll do the same. I’m doing hard work with a lot of emotions/mental health/relationships issues on my own time and will continue to do the work and be a better me. But I cannot get over the breach of trust / this girl / you leaving without your help.

(And yes, I know this is not in light of being your partner. But, like, you were the one that made it that way? You dumped me, left me in the lurch to go explore and do whatever you wanted to do, and have now come back to say you miss / want me again — and I’m feeling a lot of anger I didn’t allow myself to feel initially. I’m kind. I’m gentle. I’m sharp and sarcastic. I’m smart. I’m quick on my feet. I’m pretty. I’m a great friend. I’m soft. I cry in movies and around dogs. I am.... so so much. And the way you made me feel so unwanted and shitty and replaceable, I will never forget. You were... you were my anchor. And I felt I was yours. Until you got tired of this anchor and cut them off as dead weight... because, in your eyes, it seemed right for the anchor and the boat. So the boat could go sailing and meet other boats and be free, but what is an anchor without a boat exactly? You did what you wanted and what you thought was right for you. Not me. Because what I was asking for - reciprocal energy, attention, support, answers, a call back..: you couldn’t give me. And so you did what was right for you, the sail boat, to do. You cut ties and left. And then you got an anchor tattoo after dumping me? Or was it before. I don’t even remember time that well anymore. I think it was after. No yeah, it was after. Like here is this little momento I’ll remember you by as I move on and leave you behind, little anchor. I cried for a whole week after you showed me. Like here, I’ve left you but look at how much you meant to me and how much we could be, but I’m leaving you and don’t want you, but maybe someday I will?? I couldn’t even say your name. I just cried daddyy... like somehow you would magically hear me and remember me. The way I grieved for you someone would have thought you died. I couldn’t eat or sleep, I would cry at random moments and I could barely leave my bed. I wouldn’t let anyone touch my ring or try to take it off, I’d just lay there curled up, rocking back and forth and grasping at the ring on my finger. I am keenly aware that I haven’t been your partner for a fucking long time... because just when I thought we were close or still trying, you’d remind me. Too little too late. You don’t have a flight date. I’m lonely and human and you can’t be jealous. I don’t love you the same way you love me and I’m sorry. The end.)

((These tumblr reposts simply cannot allllll be old posts. Like I asked you to block her at least 2-3 months ago at the minimum, I don’t think repost queues are that long. Not looking for a fight on that but it has been your answer for every single repost I’ve asked about and I’m tipsy and it’s pissed me off))

Now that that’s all off my chest, I think I can talk to you without crying or exploding with sadness and jealousy. Or maybe I’ll just tipsy nap.

[bizarropurugly]

Stamp Apologies

Reposted from before, though there are a few additions.

So like I made a shit ton of stamps over the years on deviantART and understandably there were some ignorant/gross ass ones. I’ve gotten rid of them (as best I can - please point out any I missed), but, tbh, I think I should issue an apology for some of them. Not necessarily because I personally know people hurt by them or anything but because just. egh.

cw for gifs including gifs with flashing, casual isms, pedo and sexual abuse jokes, rape mention, etc.

I was an asshole and despite the things I had seen and experienced I decided to join in the “you’re not really bi” tirade that still sweeps the Internet. If you say you are bisexual you are bisexual. I am sorry for spreading this biphobic (and often sapphobic) bullshit.

Various stamps fetishizing gender variance, such as “[I Have A] Drag Fetish!” and “WOMEN WITH DICKS, I LIKE THEM!”

While looking my crap up I realized I had a lot of these and egh I am really sorry. I do absolutely fall in love with gender variance, because I’m fucking queer, but these stamps were very fetishizing and many people were using them that way too.

This was a joke stamp but people were using it seriously and I should have expected that. While I removed it after catching da–stamps/da--bogeyman, a legit pedo creep, using it, I am sorry for it even existing because pedophilia isn’t a joke anyway. This was never something acceptable to make for any reason, but especially because pedophilia isn’t a fucking joke.

So a lot of purposeful ignorance regarding pride was going on. The description for this beauty could basically be summed up as “HETEROPHOBIA!!!” and committing a “I’m not like other queers” tragedy despite hating others for that same shit (coughethereal-crowcough). No excuse for this crap. I’m sorry.

So hey remember what I was saying about purposeful ignorance regarding pride? This was the cream of that shit crop. Pride regarding mental disability is a complicated, complex relationship, and can’t just be completely tossed away as worthless and ridiculous. What’s worse is that this was primarily aimed at people upset at autism cures, with very allistic ableist remarks about people who can’t function. At the same time, I made a shitty post on Tumblr about supposed autistic people proclaiming evolutionary superiority, as if it was an epidemic, and again purposely ignoring the dynamics being involved. In reality I saw maybe two people who were probably not even being serious and flipped a lid about shit I didn’t understand.

For the record, I suspected myself autistic even this early, my relationship regarding pride and my mental disabilities is also complicated, and as for cures for mental health issues, I see it as pretty murky (there are benefits to be reaped) but heavily entrenched in eugenics instead of actually helping those who want it.

So hey lemme tell you about the number of stamps addressing complete non-issues. Shitty stamp makers LOVE to do this and my fuckwad ass joined in. Thanks to Tumblr I’ve come to understand this alter/headmate thing a lot more and realized who gives a fucking FUCK if someone’s brain buddies are named Raven Wolfstar Brilliance or are vampires or are various images of Harry Potter or any of that crap it is literally not something worth getting upset over let alone attacking people over. So I’m sorry I played along with this complete nonsense. Characterize the shit out of your alters. Have fun and feel good.

The description for this was very vague because this stamp is just itching to be used by queerphobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, ableists… And I’m sorry to be an enabler for that bullshit.

So I was making fun of these assholes for calling me a serial molester because I said hugging people with boobs made me happy because I get to touch boobs which I love. But did u know that making a joke out of sexual harassment is always a shitty thing to do regardless of context? So hey here’s a sorry for this one too.

[edit] To elaborate because I worried some people: I like hugging people who also have boobs because it makes me feel safer and more secure and less awkward. Hugging people without boobs is really awkward and sometimes discomforting. Having your boobs touch someone who doesn’t have the (particularly cis men) is awkward and sometimes discomforting.

While allies using us as gimmicks and making our pride/solidarity days about how tolerant they are is a legit problem, and by and large deviantART definitely does this shit, it’s not Spirit Day’s fault and this stamp was reeking of “I’m not like the other queers” too. So sorry about this embarrassment again.

Because a white person should definitely be making this stamp, right? I’m clearly an authority on what is respecting cultures of colour, of course. Bleugh. Sorry about this shitty casual racism crap.

Oh man look at that edge, it’s like the salesman brought me a sack of kitchen knives. This was about exactly what you think it’s about. Sorry for this and all the slurs I’ve used without the right to.

Skinny shaming is real and just as bad as fatphobia, guys! God why so much edge and hatred. I’m King Hatewad but man why hate such unnecessary things. I guess being fat now is my punishment for this babyfit. Sorry about this too, ugh. 

The fuck was with me and sexual harassment and shit. What’s wrong with me? I apologize to every nsfw artist ever, especially since I’ve come to know many who have been creeped on and made uncomfortable.

Let’s just be mean and nasty for no reason! Yeah, kids definitely need more of that shit! Jesus christ I am sorry.

I briefly replaced the first one with the second one, but I’ve removed both of them and I’ll tell you why.

The initial one was cringey as hell, though it brought up points I can still believe as important. Hence why I replaced it. I talk a lot about noncon/dubcon and related shit here (nsfw blog) that basically explains the direction I was going, but...

I asked myself, who’s using this stamp? Is it people who are caught in that awkward place of sadomasochistic interests borne from abuse, how that intertwines with rape culture and oppression, how it affects our sexual identities, etc? Or... is it just going to be used by the type of people who aim to “offend” others and insist rape culture and the like aren’t real?

Obviously, the answer is the latter, just like it usually is, just like I’ve learned from other stamps in my past.

Here’s another example of that: what kind of people are using these stamps? Not the kind of people I want associated with or supported. These stamps were made back when I had been bought into that “age is just a number” bullshit, being spiteful because “lol how is age a privilege?? sjw cringe!!”. But it’s pretty clear what these stamps would be used for and I’m fucking ashamed for letting it happen. I was more concerned with being a spiteful shit than whether I was pushing pedophilic/rapey propaganda.