#But goddamn I thought it was like. A street cat they decided to kidnap while targeting humans up above or something.

[clover-the-awesomest]

OH MY GOD- (Got jumpscared by Mayhem)

Had us in the first half ngl

(Any AU, but especially Stabilize) Mikey gets a pet cat? He gets his Klunk?

Gosh and golly so funny you should ask this! Stabilize Mikey may not have a cat, at least not right now, but you know who DOES have a cat that they call "Klunk?"

Gemini!Mikey!

His cat looks kind of like this:

[knullanon]

Hey so I would like to request u know how anxious has the whole Dc yan fam well I would like to request just yan batfam, yan superfamily, yan green arrow, yan ra's al ghul, and yan lex luthor all platonic. But like how they met what makes them different if they kidnaped and how ya know. You don't have to do this if it's is to much

Your Friend

-🌹

omg thank you for sending in the request!!! here it is, sorry it wasn’t fast enough lmao!

The batfam

These bitches would find you probably on the street tbh. Like maybe it's on patrol, maybe they saw you while doing day to day activities, and honestly, I think Bruce would be the one to find you. Not to be cliche but i'm pretty sure he's the only one who would think “hmm. It's a child alone on the street. Adopt.” and then just take you.

They would totally take you during the night. You would probably just be walking down a street and they would just snatch you up. I don’t think they would knock you out just as they get you, but they would probably give you some kind of drug to “calm down”.

After you get settled in, it would be like a breeze. Nothing to worry about, food being delivered whenever, and you even got like, 12 kids to keep you company,

As for the ones who would bond with you immediately, it would definitely be Cass, Duke, Tim, Dick (obviously), and Jason (surprisingly).

The superfam

OOF- bitch you’re fucked. Jon probably saw you at school or walking home from school and he took a photo like “:D look! She's friend shaped!!” and almost immediately they would be like “well a new daughter wouldn’t hurt”.

To the kidnapping, either jon or clark would be the ones to get you, maybe even both. Maybe Jon would try to befriend you beforehand to gain your trust. Maybe even (yes i’m gonna include kon why bc i can) Kon would try to talk to you and gain your trust. Maybe meet you at a restaurant and be like “hello, my name is Kon, what’s yours?” If I remember correctly, Kon is sociable so he's obviously gonna be the one to talk more n stuff

After they got you, they probably gave you your own room and tbh I don’t think they would be very worried about you running away, because 1, they are on a farm who the fuck are you gonna call lmao, 2, they are fast. You’re not gonna get very far, and 3, they would act like you were always there. Like you were always a part of their family. And it's a really good act too. They are always honest, so it's not hard to fake their happiness. If you act confused, they’ll act like they need to bring you back to the doctor, as Lois says, “Did that concussion really do something else?”. These bitches WILL manipulate you.

As for the ones who would bond with you immediately… yeah, it’s all of them.

Green Arrow

Honestly pretty chill guy when you first meet him. It's at a coffee shop, and he's asking for a coffee. You give it to him and you’re really nice to him. He decides to go back, just for you. He meets you again and you’re kind of weirded out, but like, he's so nice! And he tips. He tips very well. 

Kidnapping you was a big ass plan he had and somehow it worked. He “hired'' someone into trying to rob you, he never said why, and it was so he could ruin that person's career. Then, he would swoop in to save your ass at the last minute. Then he would say, “Sorry I’m late” and beat the shit out of the guy. Then he would take you.

Since he's rich, he would like, pay for everything. You want some chips? Payed. You want oreos? Payed. You want to go home? Well, you can’t have that, but you can have some more food. I honestly think that he would try to emotionally manipulate you. Like, you were touch starved wherever you were from? Not on his watch. You don’t like the sound of doors slamming? He will make sure to softly close doors. Honestly he's like a normal dad except he won’t let you leave and is really protective.

He would definitely bond with you immediately because he's the one who kidnapped you lmao

Ra’s Al Ghul

Yeah you aren’t getting away from this asshole. He travels alot for “business” and he probably saw you walking with your friends and then he was like “oh my god its a child.” “Yes, it's a child, master, what about her?” “i must have her.” Then boom, new dad. Well, not yet, he would spy on you for a while, but  eventually he would have to come up with a plan to get you.

He would corner you in your house. It would look like someone trying to give a cat some food to bribe them but instead it’s an immortal cult leader and a young girl trying to get some dino nuggets. Will just shove you in a limo and act as though you are the center of the world. “Well of course you can sleep on the bed, who else is it for?” “You’re not a prisoner- well, no you can’t leave the mountain but you can watch the news.” “I will not tolerate this behavior young woman- you are already a young woman, yes, yes you are-”

Honestly like I said above, he would just totally act like a dumbass. His main instinct was to adopt but now it's like “shit what do i do.” he's kind of lenient with some things, and others he's not. Like oh, you forgot to close the cabinet after you got food, no deal, but then you leave the door open and he's like, “????? WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING??????? I’VE GIVEN EVERYTHING YOU WOULD HAVE EVER WANTED AND YET YOU STILL TRY TO LEAVE-” yeah it's a guessing game but other then that he's kinda normal with things.

Just because I like her so much, Talia would definitely bond with you immediately, no questions asked. Like when she heard her father had gotten a new kid she was like “goddamn it who is it now” and then she saw you and was like “i’ve only had ______ for a minute and 35 seconds, but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.”

Lex Luthor

Once while watching the news he saw you walking about with your friends and so he tracked you down to find out where you lived and who you were with etc. He probably then realized that he liked you a lot, so then he was like “Mercy prepare a room for a teenage girl, I’m about to go get a daughter.” 

Kidnapping plan was genius, deadass just had a bunch of his men take you and hide any evidence. If your family asked or tried to report it, they would get paid off, and if they continued, then, well… 

He would most likely be busy for like 2/4 of the day, but he would always try to make time for bonding with you. When these little “bonding sessions” first started, he would sit in one corner while you would sit in the other. After a while he got closer, and closer, until he was able to sit next to you. In the dad lex fic I had written, the reader had gotten a concussion so they kinda forgot about what happened before they met Lex (they got it during the kidnapping if you’re wondering). He honestly believes he was your father and nothing can stop him from believing so.

Again, mercy would hate you at the beginning, but like after a month, she thought you were fine, and then after a while she would start to grow fond of you.

[hrtthrbromanov]

Bucky’s Rudolph

Summary: You seem to know about what Bucky needs more than he does, and you’ll go out of your way to prove that. Or: You get Bucky a dog for Christmas.

Warnings: Fluff, language

_____________________________________________

“Please, Buck. It’ll be good for the both of you.”

“You’re kidding. You have to be absolutely out of your goddamn mind to even suggest getting a dog to me.”

You groan, letting your head fall back on the couch cushion behind you. You’d been egging him on about this for weeks, and now that it was getting closer to Christmas, you’d been more than insistent. You’d even gone as far as to deny him of sex, and that didn’t go over well for either of you. 

“This is the last time I'm telling you, doll. We are not getting a damn dog.” 

You knew he was serious, but you also knew that once a dog was in front of him, he’d never leave it alone. Just last week Sam had brought his boxer to the compound, and Bucky had fallen in love instantly. It made you a little jealous, honestly. But you knew better than anyone that he needs a little distraction like that. Something he could get up to trouble with. Maybe even a buddy to go on his runs with him, because god knows you weren’t. 

“Okay, okay. I get it. Just trying to help.” You sigh, deciding to stop the pestering for now. He looks over to you, reaching over to grab your hand. You put on an exaggerated pout, hoping he might buy it. Instead he rolls his eyes and stands up, walking toward the front door. 

You turn quickly in your spot on the couch to look at him as he opens the door. He gives you a look, as if he was warning you or something, and called over to you, “I’m going out with Steve for a little while. Please, for the love of god, don’t do anything stupid.”

You scoff as he shuts the door behind him. You were hurt, truthfully. You knew for a fact that whatever he and Steve got up to had to be ten times dumber than what you did on your own. Besides, you had never done anything dumb in your life. You’d show him that. 

_______________________________________________

The little bell chimed as you opened the door. You were greeted by the welcoming sounds of the yips and mewls of cats and dogs. You nodded to the woman behind the front desk, signing your name on the sign-in sheet, and helping yourself to the back where the animals were kept. You cooed at the dogs whining for your attention, smiling out of pure adoration of them all. Now you were upset with yourself for coming alone, because it was going to be hard to just choose one. 

“Aren’t you a handsome boy.” You stop in front of a cage containing a red-nose Pitbull. Funnily enough, his name was Rudolph. He pressed his face up to the front of the cage, huffing and puffing his way to you. You sigh, dropping to your knees in front of him, pushing your hand through to pet him. 

Bucky was going to kill you, you knew that much, but you also knew you couldn’t leave without Rudolph. You’d calmly explain to him that you coincidentally found him on the street, and that you simply couldn’t leave him out in the cold. He’d understand. 

He was just afraid, and you understood that, you really did. He was afraid that if it turned out he couldn’t take care of a dog, then he wouldn’t be able to take care of you. He was a family man at heart, and you’d show him that that was the farthest thing from the truth, even if you had to take it slowly. 

After some time of reassuring yourself this was the right thing to do, you made your way back up to the front desk with confidence, ready to bring Rudolph home. As soon as you sat down to do the paperwork, your phone rang. The lady behind the counter threw you a concerned look as you groaned, bringing the phone up to your ear. 

“Hey… Bucky.”  You hoped - no, prayed he didn’t hear the cringe in your voice, and the sound of frantic barking in the background. 

“Hey, babydoll. I’m almost home, and I was gonna stop and grab us a bite to eat. What sounds good?”

Your eyes widen as you search your brain for an answer, not wanting him to go home to find you gone. He would be smart enough to put the pieces together, and it’d be worse that way. 

“Um, you know that Italian place on 83rd? Their fettuccine sounds so good right now.”

You can practically hear the cogs turning in his head as he tries to remember just what you were talking about, and you knew he’d remembered when he let out a long sigh. 

“You mean that place that takes 45 minutes just to take your damn order? Alright, doll, but-”

“Great, thanks. Bye, love you!” Ending the call as quickly as you can, you shut your phone off to prevent any further distractions. You turned your attention back to the paperwork, breezing through it to get it done and over with. 

You returned the finished papers to the front desk, and this time the lady led you back herself. You made your way over to Rudolph, excitedly bouncing up and down on the balls of your heels, waiting for her to bring him out. 

She opened the cage door, and out came Rudolph, jumping with joy. The lady placed the lead over his head and you grabbed it from her, nearly getting knocked down when he jumped up on you, sniffing you with vigor. 

“Oh, yeah. He’s gonna love you.” 

____________________________________________

“This way boy, come on.” You lead Rudolph through the hallway of your apartment complex, trying to get him to focus on getting to your room on time. He was currently trying to bite at your shoestrings, as you tripped down the hall. 

“Yeah, Sam. She’s just not here. Well, no I haven't tried calling her yet I thought I call you first because- Because you’re supposed to know everything, asshole!”

You froze. Shit! He’s home. You thought, tugging on the dog to keep him from rounding the corner. You pressed yourself up against the wall to stop yourself from being seen, but just as you were about to peek around the corner, your phone rang. 

Oh, fuck. Maybe if I just ignore it he’ll go away. Coincidences happen all the time, right? 

“Baby? Is that you?” 

I guess not. 

You make your way around to face him, head hung in shame and leash dangling from your hands. You could hear the audible gasp Bucky let out when he saw the big, jolly dog. “You did not.” he mumbled in disbelief. Before you could answer, Rudolph bounded up to him, jumping into his arms. “Hey, buddy. Did she kidnap you? Hey, don’t sniff there.”

“I'm not a kidnapper, Bucky!” You huff, stomping. “I just, uh, found him somewhere. Yeah. His name is Rudolph.” You tried to explain, but he wasn’t listening. He was too busy talking to his new pal. A small smile crept up on your face. 

“Rudolph, huh? Well aren’t you just a sweetheart. Not as tough as you look. Guess that makes two of us.” He giggled. Actually giggled, and your heart melted. “Come on, let's get you two trouble makers inside.” He finally looked to you, nodding for you to come on. He opened your door and in went Rudolph, excitedly sniffing everything in his sight. Before you could go in after him, though, Bucky stopped you. 

“Thank you, trouble.” He wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his hands inside your jean pockets, pulling you into him. He looked up, and just so happens, all thanks to a gag gift from Tony, a mistletoe dangled from your doorway. 

You leaned in, kissing him slowly until a smile broke out against his lips. “Told you I wouldn’t do anything dumb.” And you didn’t.

[breakingsomething]

third year

basic summary: chase hates his birthday, but maybe someone can help him change that.

trigger warnings: mentions of past suicide attempts

"good morning, bastard."

chase groans, pausing before yanking his blankets off his head. he rolls over his bed to see henrik standing at his door, looking amused. "the fuck do you want?" he mumbles, already feeling the morning chill on his bare arms.

henrik smiles softly. "happy birthday."

oh. it's his birthday, isn't it.

two years since he made his attempt. a year since he was wrongly arrested for kidnapping. a year since his kids went missing.

"shit," he says. then he pulls his blankets back over his head.

there's a moment of silence. "come on, bruder, get up. we have a surprise for you today."

"i'm sure you fucking do," chase mutters from beneath his covers. his eyes still burn from crying so much last night. he can't even remember what he was crying about, really. "is it worth getting up for?"

"it is," henrik says. chase listens to the door squeaking as henrik holds it open, waiting for a response. when chase doesn't give one, he sighs. "get up when you're ready, ok? don't spend all day doing the sulks. you will not feel better that way, i promise."

chase doesn't move as the door closes. he waits a minute before looking up to see henrik is, in fact, gone.

good. he didn't want him to stay anyway.

he thinks he goes back to sleep. when he wakes again, the room is considerably brighter, and he wonders if he should bother getting up. but he's extremely hungry - if he's remembering right, he hasn't eaten since yesterday morning - so after a few moments of psyching himself up, he pushes himself into a sitting position and swings his legs off the bed. even that simple motion is enough to make his head pound. he really wished he hadn't cried so much last night. too lazy to go to his drawers and grab a pair of socks, he patters from the room barefoot, wincing at the cold floor beneath his feet.

the house is very, very quiet. chase checks each room on his way downstairs, and eventually realises that everyone must be out. "i take it you're all planning a surprise party for me, huh?" he says aloud. of course, there's no response. chase chuckles silently, before setting about making toast. the clock on the wall tells him it's half twelve. damn, he really did sleep in. the silence is unnerving him - he really hopes anti isn't involved in this somehow.

after he's eaten, he goes to take a shower. he figures that while he's awake, maybe he'll go for a walk, get some fresh air to maybe help get rid of this headache. his hands brush over his bullet scar on the side of his head, and he winces. it doesn't hurt, but the memories of what he was doing two years ago today certainly do.

once he's dried his hair, he pulls a cap and beanie over his head and tries not to think about it.

he locks the door and sets out, walking aimlessly away from the house. he wanders through the city, listening to the sounds and watching the people go by. he's suddenly very aware of how all the other people he's seeing have real lives, and that he's not the only one with problems - there's probably someone here who has it even worse than him. the thought makes him feel odd, so he tries to focus on other things instead, like shop windows and passing conversations. a few people catch him looking and he quickly glances away as he goes by, keeping his eyes to the floor.

he stops for lunch around two. the man who serves him in gregg's smiles and comments on how good chase's hair looks, and his face burns. he fumbles with his change as he pays and races out as quickly as he can. marvin would be ashamed of him.

he walks along the shorefront and eats his sausage roll. he should probably think about going home - he's sure his brothers are wondering where he is - but he really doesn't want to think about it being his birthday.

technically speaking, this isn't even his real birthday. just the one jack assigned him; he'd rather celebrate his birthday now anyway, given that all his brothers birthdays are so close together. well. he'd really rather not celebrate his birthday at all, to be honest.

is that why he's not going home? is that why he's alone, waving off seagulls from his cheap lunch instead of with his brothers, eating cake and playing mario kart?

it's getting cold. he's not wearing a jacket, just a thin pink hoodie, and he can feel goosebumps appearing on his arms. he decides he might as well go home and get this all over with, if only so that the goddamn seagulls leave him alone.

he tosses the rest of his sausage roll to the floor and watches the birds go wild over it. probably a dumb idea, but whatever. he starts off in the direction of home, still feeling completely miserable.

there's still no one there when he gets home.

chase peeks cautiously around each doorway, fear bubbling in his chest. "hello?" he called nervously. "hen? jackie? marv?"

the floorboards creak under his footsteps. there's no response.

chase hugs himself tightly and sits down on the couch, trembling slightly. please don't let him have gotten them. please, please, don't let him have gotten them.

he only waits for half an hour before he hears keys in the lock.

immediately he springs to his feet, racing to the kitchen and pulling out the largest kitchen knife he can find. if that glitch has taken his brothers, if he's coming to kill him, he's not gonna make it easy.

"hey, chase! sorry we were gone so long, we got sidetracked and - woah, woah, dude! put that thing down, it's just us!"

chase just stares at the man in the doorway. reddish hair, round glasses over dark blue eyes - he looks like jackie, but what if he's not? what if he's - what if -

jackie takes his hand and gently uncurls his fingers from the knife handle. chase can see henrik and marvin in the background, clutching a big box covered with a blanket between them, looking shocked. he's breathing very quickly. jackie takes the blade and puts it back into its drawer, slowly turning back to chase so as not to startle him.

"hey man, it's just us, ok?" jackie says, hands up. chase stares at his feet, trembling.

"thought you were - thought you were him," he mumbles, embarrassed. "you were all gone, no note or anything, i got scared."

"we left a note!" henrik says. he pushes the box into marvin's hands and comes to stand beside his brother. "didn't we? marvin, you left a note, right?"

"uh," marvin says. he struggles with the box in his hands. "i, uh, may have forgotten?"

henrik rolls his eyes. "we're sorry, chase. you were asleep and we didn't want to wake you."

chase was fixated on marvin."what's in the box?"

marvin grins, and sets the box down on the kitchen table. "ah, but take a look!" he announces in his best performer's voice. he leaps on top of a chair and spreads his hands out. "step right up, and admire the beauty, the majesty, the magnificence of -"

he lifts his arms, blue sparks trailing from his fingertips as he uses his magic to levitate the blanket from the box. he's gotten a lot better at controlling his magic again since his return, and he's absolutely showing it off. jackie and henrik both grab chase's hands as the blanket moves to reveal -

it's a black cat carrier. chase just stares at it, open mouthed, until he hears a small mewling from inside.

he claps his hands over his mouth and feels his eyes well up with tears.

"go see her!" jackie says, unable to contain himself any longer.

"yes, please do, i can't hold up this blanket all day," marvin laughs. he snatches the blanket from the air and looks down at chase, who's covered his face with his hands and is sobbing quietly.

"hey, hey!" henrik soothes, patting his arm gently. "what's wrong?"

chase wipes his face, giggling. "you guys!" he beamed, scrubbing away his tears. "did you really -"

"come see!" marvin says, and steps down from his chair to open the door of the carrier. "chase, come here and let her see you!"

chase peeks inside the carrier and sees a pair of bright blue eyes staring back at him. his breath catches, and he lets out a gasp. the kitten mewls again, taking a cautious step towards chase.

"we've been keeping her secret for weeks!" jackie grins, coming up behind chase. "she's from the shelter on the high street, she's six months old, her previous family couldn't care for her or her siblings so we decided to take her!"

"she's already been - what is the word? we had the spaying done for her." henrik explains. "we were going to take her home last week, but we decided to wait." he clicks his tongue, trying to get the kitten to come forward. she does so, hesitantly padding half out of the carrier onto the table. she cowers back slightly at all the people around her, and jackie, henrik and marvin step back to give chase and the kitten a bit of space.

chase removes a hand from his mouth and slowly, carefully, stretches it out for the kitten to sniff. she looks at him, then fully leaves her carrier and smells chase's hand. he admires her, a huge smile spreading across his face as she purrs quietly. her fur is fully black, and she's very small, her tail swishing around and batting chase's hand. he laughs, feeling more tears fall from his eyes.

"do you have any name ideas?" marvin asks.

chase nods. "jaffa cake."

jackie and marvin immediately burst into peals of laughter, while henrik just looks confused. "what - why jaffa cake?" he asked. "i mean, it is of course your choice, but -"

"jaffa cake." chase says firmly, and he grins widely. he gently strokes the kitten's head, and she allows it, purring softly. "i love her so, so much, guys, thank you so much! i - i don't even know what to say!"

jackie rushes forwards and throws his arms around chase, much to his surprise. "happy, happy, happy birthday!" he cheers.

marvin comes round to his side and ruffles his hair underneath his hats. "happy birthday, asshole." he chuckles.

henrik smiles awkwardly at the ground for a second before pulling chase into a huge hug. "ich liebe dich, chase brody," he beams, burying his face in his brother's shoulder.

and chase just breathes, trying not to cry any more as he swells with love, only held up by the three sets of arms wrapped around him. he sniffles, closing his eyes. "i love you guys so fucking much!" he sobs, and the four of them fall into a heap on the floor, giggling and holding on to each other like they were all that was keeping each other afloat.

[my-heart-in-his-teeth]

Mischief and the Maiden(Mature)

Thank God For Fan Fiction!

Maaaan, after seeing Infinity War I felt I needed to resurrect Disney Prince era Loki and walk around in that world for a while so I wrote a whole goddamn short story with the guy. Hope you like it!

Loki x OFC

Author’s Note: A sort of modern fairy tale that takes place a few years before the events in the first Thor- before everything went wrong for our favorite brat prince. There’s plot all up in this smut! (x-posted)

Summary:A couple of Asgardians take an awkward girl for a thief and steal her away to their realm to face justice from the prince himself. But nothing is as it seems when the God of Mischief is involved, it turns out being kidnapped might be the best thing that ever happened to her and her life will thankfully never be the same.

The tree had stood for centuries undisturbed as life rose and fell around it. Birds did not come to it. Animals circled long to avoid it's path and any man that happened to see it grew uneasy and continued on swiftly without wondering why. Moonlight broke through it's leafless branches casting a long. wirey shadow down the steep hillside. No one heard the wind that breathed out from inside of it as it's bark peeled open wide to allow two men to step out from it's shimmering depths.

The larger of the two men produced a small spherical mechanism from his cloak and raised it up in his palm, Light grew from within it and the golden pieces and gears began to move. The man eyed it's workings for a moment before closing it in his hand."We should not have to linger here long. It looks as though what we seek is just East of us."

"I hope you are right Eirik. I remind you that if we are caught on Midgard -" The other man began to chide before being cut off with a dismissive wave of his friend's hand.

"The amount of gold the prince is paying us to retrieve this trinket is far larger than the risk. He assures us this portal is hidden from even Heimdall's sight. Just think, if we finish this simple task , we will be in his favor. It is no small thing to be in the favor of a prince, Ivar" He winked and put the device back into the folds of his cloak.

"Yes, but all this secrecy.... "

"Even princes make mistakes." Eirik shrugged. " Can you blame him for not wanting the Allfather to discover one of his? Besides he made it very clear to me that he strongly abhors those who act in such a clandestine matter, but that at times it is...what did he call it? Oh yes: a necessary evil."

Ivar's eyes narrowed a bit and he nodded. When he'd learned of Eirik's errand to Midgard he had asked to join him and Eirik agreed readily. He didn't care about the promise of gold, his family had more than enough wealth, but he was keenly interested on the missteps of a prince of Asgard. However, he was not a very brave man and knew that Eirik wasn't a very wise one.

Seeing the look of concern on his friend's face, Eirik laughed and slapped him on the shoulder. "Come Ivar, let us get on with it. You will see that you can truly trust the word of Prince Loki!"

At that, a touch of dread wafted through Ivar's being. He shook it off and continued on.

~~~

If there had been one thing Elaina could wish at that moment, it was that the world would abruptly come to a fiery end before he could speak again. But she wasn't one for wishing and he wasn't one to dance around what he wanted to say, and so out it came.

"I think we should see other people."

She wasn't really in love with him, but her stomach still dropped and a familiar coldness spread out from it leaving her physically numb yet unforgiveably focused on his words. He said nothing she hadn't heard before, but it still cracked at her heart. It just seemed they wanted different things, moved at different paces, he really liked her and hoped they could hang out soon, and so on and so on.

In her experience, when a guy told her that he wanted to see other people, half the time it meant he was already seeing them , but still wanted to keep his foot in her door, just in case.

He said he would call her next week and she said that would be great. They both knew they were lying, but this was just how these things seemed go.

She leaned against the door that she had both literally and figuratively shut on him and sighed. "Well."

The sudden soft drag of her cat's body against her ankle called her hands they and scooped him up, stroking his midnight fur. " That could have gone worse I suppose, Byron. I'm really getting better at being a complete romantic failure. " He purred and gazed at her through content, half lidded eyes. "Besides, you didn't like him anyway."

No, this wasn't heartbreak, but disappointment. Defeat. Of course she had thought he was different or she wouldn't have bothered trying. But the problem was that she was always the same. She wanted romance and didn't want to be rushed about it. She knew she was weird and too bookish for a lot of people's liking. She knew all about mythology and nineteenth century fairy tales but she couldn't tell you which Kardashion got fat sucked out of or injected into their body that week.

She didn't mesh well with the general public and attracted similar socially awkward types, yet the spark was never there with any of them and the relationships fizzled after a while. She still tried. She was early enough in her twenties that she hadn't given up on finding whatever she was looking for in someone else, but each dead end made her a bit more tired and apathetic about it.

She lowered Byron so he could step on to the green damask sofa where she would likely end up sleeping tonight after some wine and a good chunk of some book she'd already read. She crossed the room that was lined with cheap shelves overstuffed with books, half dead plants and the odd shrunken head and articulated bird skeleton. The books were hers, the oddities she had inherirted from her grandmother, who had owned a little curiosity shop and filled it with the many strange things aquired from her travels. Much of it had been sold off, but what wasn't took up residence here- including a small silver wine rack that always had at least one bottle of red in it.

As she poured herself a glass, she thought she saw light flicker from the shelf above her. She glanced up and it was gone, but there was something odd. Half hidden behind a pair of antique Matroyshka dolls and resting on the spines of a stack of Neil Gaimon paperbacks, a broken bit of carved stone caught her eye. It was nearly oblong, smooth on one side and jagged on the other and the only thing keeping it from being just a bit of broken rock were the reddish runes engraved there. Just then they looked brighter.

She raised up on her toes and squinted. Yes, they looked brighter, as though they had been shined up. But she hadn't dusted in...she had never dusted. She picked up the stone, it's cool weight covering her entire hand. She brought it to the couch and looked at it for a moment more before setting on the coffee table.

"Hmm." She eyed it suspiciously one more time, but as it didn't do anything more interesting than look cleaner, she picked up her book and eventually read herself asleep in the soft glow of a parlor lamp.

Her skin prickled under the cool brush of fingertips down her throat, across her breasts and up her thighs. The heat of breath was just behind her ear as a hand cupped her sex and another gently gripped the back of her neck, long fingers tilting her head towards the mouth that she kissed eagerly, allowing his tongue to slip gracefully over hers as she moaned softly into him. She was burning, the throb of desire between her legs almost painful as she wrapped her leg around his waist and pressed herself tightly against his hand, hips rotating until his fingers found her entrance and began to slide in-

Her eyes blinked open and she groaned in frustration. "Every fucking time!"

"Well, Eirik, this one has quite the mouth doesn't she?"

She made a small scream as she snapped up and spun off the couch and onto the floor. Two tall men dressed like they'd just come from a high end Ren faire were standing just behind the coffee table, inches from where her sleeping face had just been.

They were both tall and muscular, one was blonde and looked to be closer to her age, a greedy smirk sat above a patch of smooth hair that covered his chin. The other was older with reddish hair streaked with white that hung in waves down his back and shoulders He had a long beard of the same coloring with two impressive braids woven into it- he was also smirking, but only with his eyes. Christ- did they just watch me have a filthy dream? She may have blushed if not for all of the adrenaline.

"Get out!" She awkwardly yelled and scootched back until she hit a shelf and scrambled to her feet. The men made no move but to raise their eyebrows

The door to her apartment was open behind them and led directly outside. Her phone was on the table in front of them. She decided she couldn't get close to either quickly enough, so she bolted for her bedroom just down the hall behind her. She couldn't feel her legs as they propelled her, what felt like comically fast, into her door , flinging it wide open with the force of her shoulder before her hands had time to raise themselves in front of her. She slammed it shut and turned the lock on the handle, hoping that would grant her enough time to escape.

The windows seemed large enough to fit through, though she'd never once opened them. From there she could make it to the street and maybe a neighbor's house. She looked down at her bare feet. No time to remedy that. Her black dress dotted with red flowers stopped a few inches above her knee and likely wouldn't hinder her efforts to climb out.

There were two other apartments in her building, but they were both empty. No one was around to hear her screams as was murdered. Or maybe they just wanted to rob the place. Good luck with that, she thought as she unlocked the window and strained to push it open. I'm sure you guys will get loads of cash for my 8 year old laptop. Please enjoy that taxidermied squirrel as consolation for breaking into the house of a poor person.

She just managed to realize that the windows had been painted shut when she heard a loud CRACK. She turned in time to see the door, frame and all, land on the carpet. The blonde man looked down at it and then to his hands, holding them up in mock surprise. He lowered them slowly and met her wide eyes. "Apologies. I forgot that everything is so frail here." he looked her up and down tauntingly. "Come here, girl."

His face was actually quite handsome, but when he beckoned her with a smile, she froze. Nothing about him was friendly, especially that smile. His voice was coated in a strange accent and she started to realize that everything was off about him. The clothes he was wearing weren't just that of an obsessive Tolkien fan, they were completely foreign. What he wore looked more expensive than anything she owned. The fabrics, the boots, the sword- wait. SWORD? Yes, there sitting in a gilded scabbard attached to his belt. An actual sword.

The other man stepped into the room glancing down to the door and then to her. His eyes twinkled ever so slightly and she remembered to breathe. He seemed at least less menacing, but her heart was racing and her mind was trying desperately to rationalize what was happening. Her hands gripped onto the windowsill as though it were the only thing keeping her sanity tethered. He turned to his companion. "Ivar, perhaps we should leave the mortal. we have the stone. She would only be a burden."

"Nonsense, Eirik!" He approached her casually, that smile never fading and his dark eyes locking on to her, proclaiming her his prey. Every bit of her tensed the closer he came. He stopped inches in front of her and bent his face close to hers. "You aren't going to be a burden are you?"

Being that close to him made her skin crawl with his every word. She snapped then and pushed off of the windowsill, diving for the door, knowing she wouldn't make it.

His arm easily wrapped around her waist and she screamed and punched and clawed at him, to absolutely no avail. He laughed. "She's got fight!" And flung her to the bed.

The red-bearded man moved quickly to place his arm across her torso, pinning her in place, and covered her mouth with his hand. His eyes were calm as they looked into hers. " No harm will come to you. but you cannot fight us, and will only hurt yourself trying." His voice was even and slightly scolding. "Now I am going to take my hands off of you, but you must compose yourself or you will force my friend to tie you up." He leaned closer to her, his beard tickled her cheek and he winked. "And he would probably enjoy that far too much."

He released her and she sat up, tugging her skirt which had fallen far up her thighs. Unsurprisingly, when she looked over to Ivar he was watching her, licking his lips. She didn't hide her grimace and that seemed to amuse him.

She took a deep breath and tried to calm down. Mortal. Redbeard-the one the other called Eirik, he had used the word 'mortal'. Who uses that word outside of an Anne Rice novel? Then things began to click together. The door. Knocked off it's hinges at the touch of his hand. They were too strong. Too strange. It was dark out. Holy shit.

"Ohhh," She slid off the bed and stood up cautiously and turned to face them. "...kaaay." Her hands instinctively went to her throat and her eyes quickly went to the wall next to her dresser where she kept her necklaces hanging neatly on several tiny hooks. One of them was a cross that held no actual spiritual value to her, but she began to inch towards it anyway. the men paid her no mind.

"Ivar, let's leave the girl. I'm sure the stone will suffice." Eirik again urged his friend. He held up the broken stone with the now glowing red runes and examined it. " Hmm...I thought it would be bigger."

She stopped inching and her eyes widened with realization. "That stone! I knew it was acting strangely! That's what this is about?"

"Yes" Ivar answered. "We were sent to bring it back," he leaned down toward her and lowered his voice to just above a whisper. "Along with whomever stole it."

"What?! I didn't steal anything!That thing belonged to my grandmother." She pointed an defensive finger at him. "And don't think of saying that she stole it either! She was far more Antiques Roadshow than Tomb Raider.' She paused at the mental image. "Look, take the stone, just please leave me here. Alive."

"It's not us you'll have to convince, girl. Besides, we have come a long way and I would very much like to enjoy your company on the journey home." He clapped his hands together. "And perhaps if you are found innocent , the prince will let me keep you."

Nausea rolled into her stomach. Prince?

Eirik regarded Ivar with a knowing smile. "So that's why you were so eager to accompany me on this journey despite you known loathing for the prince. You wanted a wee bit of plunder for yourself."

"Well," Ivar sighed. " I do enjoy my baubles. And this one is quite pretty, do you not agree? Midgardian slaves do still find their way to our realm now and then. No one would even notice or care that she were there. And as for the prince, my opinion on him matters not. The throne will never be his."

The stone disappeared into the fold's of Eirik's cloak and he chuckled. "You seem so certain of that! But I do not wonder why. tell, me how many spies do you have employed to keep a watch on him? What is it you expect to uncover?"

"Oh, don't be foolish! He has been scheming against his brother and the realm for ages. there have been whispers but never proof. My family has employed dozens to gather information to expose him. Once I have that I will go to the king."

"It is no small thing to be in the favor of the king." Eirik said, raising an eyebrow. "But I do hope you will not include this little adventure in your report."

"Of course not, my friend." Ivar's smile said.

She watched their exchange and her abhorrence for Ivar grew. Even she could see he was lying, but unfortunately for her, Eirik seemed to be the more trusting and passive of the two.

Ivar started toward her and she felt a scream involuntarily begin to rise in her throat.

"No , no. Let me." Eirik strode in front of him, holding something small and glowing amber in his hand. "If she is for the prince, then it is my duty to make sure she is unscathed." He held her fast around the waist. his eyes were still calm, and still twinkling as he looked down on her, his face otherwise unreadable beneath that great red beard.

"Wait," she whispered. "Just please tell me..." she swallowed hard and forced her brain to override how ridiculous her next question was. "Are you a ...vampire?"

She saw Eirik throw his head back and heard the start of his bellowing laughter, then the light in his hand grew bright, entering her eyes and enveloping everything in it's glow until there was only silence and the dark.

[trippingonroads-blog1]

The Nutcracker

Today is my Mother’s birthday and since my brother and sister-in-law took her and my sister in-law’s mother to The Nutcracker last year, we decided to propose the exact same idea. So that’s what we did. We went to The Nutcracker, the Peasant’s Ballet, as every other peasant family in America does at Christmas. We go and watch a Russian show about a mystic toy maker and rats and candy people at war in which everybody communicates through delicate dance. Very weird tradition but fuck if it isn’t fun. I saw an abridged Nutcracker in LA a couple years ago at The Wiltern that pumped in the music via stereo and featured pretty mediocre dancing, so seeing the Boston Ballet’s balls to the walls, full-tilt version was a trip. Like, really, it was awesome.

Let’s recount the story of The Nutcracker because I never really got it until tonight.

A strange witch doctor of a toymaker beguiles a bunch of street children with cheap magic tricks and reveals to them his favorite toy, a nutcracker, that looks lame as fuck to the raggedy children. Somehow, this shaman parlays disappointing children into an invite to a sick aristocratic party at some Russian oligarch’s house where the adults don’t speak to each other and the children run wild and undisciplined, treating one another like cat litter. Of course, the toy guru is there to play Santa Claus in a culture that doesn’t have any special cultural ties to Santa whatsoever. He distributes toys and saves that special nutcracker for the oligarch’s daughter, Clara, whom he deems the most beguiling of all the pre-teens. The impressionable little girl loves the nutcracker and the special attention from the sorcerer so she dances an incredibly hands-on and deeply inappropriate dance with him that draws no scorn whatsoever from her inexplicably proud father.

That night, Clara places her new toy underneath the Christmas tree and lays down to sleep on the couch because all of the other strange boys and girls called dibs on all the beds in the 26-bedroom mansion. Before (or is it?!) she can fall asleep, a dozen human-sized rats come running from the kitchen where they have seized a cornucopia of sweets and they resolve that the tastiest of morsels would be the flesh of a young girl. Clara is doomed. But wait! The clever little mage has been watching her from the shadows, probably caressing himself, and he emerges just in the nick of time to conjure the nutcracker to life, who promptly raises an army to combat the rats and the villainous Rat King.

The nutcracker army wages glorious war against the humanoid rats, easily overwhelming the beasts with their guns and cannons because they are literal fucking vermin. At one point, a drunk depressive rabbit and an obliterated gingerbread boy wander onto stage because ballet? When the battle is won, the pernicious warlock removes the nutcracker’s ungainly golem head and replaces it with a normal human one, much to the delight of the, again, twelve-year-old girl. This grown ass man again lays his hands liberally on and around the girl’s body as they twirl together in celebration, and as they rejoice in one another’s alarmingly accelerating pre-coitus, the Snow Queen arrives with a gang of fairies and the onset of a blizzard.

But she is a fair Snow Queen who was pulling for the Nutcracker Prince all along and she just brought the snow to party. The whole menagerie — the Snow Queen, her fairy squad, the Nutcracker Prince, Clara, and the goddamn wizard who is for some reason still here — dance through a blizzard and a cloud comes down from on high, inviting Clara and the Nutcracker Prince to run away together. Clara, because she desperately needs more positive male role models, gets on the cloud without hesitation and allows the probably balding Nutcracker Prince to abduct her.

That’s Act One.

After Clara’s been kidnapped by a 35-year-old man in a leotard that she’s convinced herself she’s in love with, the Nutcracker Prince introduces her to the Sugar Plum Fairy, who is his bottom bitch, and the Sugar Plum Fairy is like, “Hey Clara, I’m number one up here and I’m gonna do all the dancing from now on, but you can put this crown on your head and sit in this chair with that voodoo prince you brought and we’ll pretend like you’re important and stuff.” Don’t know how toy man got there but he got there somehow.

Then, because the Nutcracker Prince’s homeland is apparently a melting pot shockingly similar to Eurasia, a bunch of dancers puts on a show. (This part of the show is often considered controversial but I thought they did a good, tasteful job. Tchaikovsky was probably an accidental racist because he was a rich 19th-century Russian but don’t let his latent prejudices hurt every performance of The Nutcracker.) There are Arabian, Chinese, and Spanish dancers; an eight-foot tall, sixteen-foot wide woman who spawns dancing children seemingly at will; and, of course, the crowd pleasers — the Russians. After they’ve all shown Clara what a bad dancer she actually is, the Nutcracker Prince and the Sugar Plum Fairy really rub her nose in it. While the necromancer coyly attempts to slip a finger beneath her dress, the Nutcracker Prince and the Sugar Plum Fairy gush into the most gorgeous and breathtakingly romantic of numbers, making the finale all about their love while Clara learns a hard lesson.

Then, she wakes up with the nutcracker next to her, the evil clown nowhere to be seen, with a crown on her head. Wait, what?! A crown?! Did it really happen?! It’s a great cliffhanger that I hope will be explored in The Nutcracker 2.

Are we sure The Nutcracker didn’t create Rasputin?