#But I've played against some Doctors that were funny or nice

[moisette]

I'll preface this by saying that I am a Killer Main that's started playing SoloQ just to try and improve at looping and have fun for some variety.

I had a match with a Doctor that seemed to be unhappy despite having someone ragequit at 5 gens and screw us over and not a single gen getting done. I say he was unhappy because he BM'd me for no reason. He was chasing me but since I was fully crazy, I literally couldn't hear hatch 2ft away from me. All I heard was obnoxious loud noises. I know Plague's power is also loud and so is the room on Lery's. I normally don't like to complain or be entitled but why in the fuck is shit so fucking loud? It's not just for Survivors but Killers too. If I'm giving someone hatch, I don't want them to follow me because it triggers the chase music and I can't hear hatch. Had a Blight one time that was trying to help me find hatch and I couldn't hear anything over the chase music =_=

[vodika-vibes]

thanks so much for answering! In that case, might I request something for Mereel skirata? Like he is always flirting with the reader and the reader is kind of annoyed because they think he’s not serious while also having a massive crush on him and then sth happens that prompts them to kiss and turns out he is serious about them? You don’t have to do/follow that of course 🙈 thanks so much!

Not A Toy

Summary: Mereel is a walking, talking headache. But when the base you live on is attacked, you realize that there's more to him than that.

Pairing: Mereel Skirata x Reader

Word Count: 1257

Warnings: innuendo, but nothing too bad

tagging: @trixie2023

A/N: I've never written for Mereel before, but his wookieepedia page was actually useful as to his personality. Thank you for the request! I hope that this is sort of what you were looking for!

Divider by Saradika

“You alright, Doc?” Your nurse asks as she nervously flutters around you.

“I’m fine. I just have a headache that comes and goes,” You reply as you pinch the bridge of your nose.

“Oh! I can get you some medicine if you want-?”

“That won’t be-” You pause when the door to the infirmary slides open and a grinning man walks in, and you sigh, “And it’s back again.”

“Hey doc!” Mereel Skirata, like all of his brothers, is incredibly handsome. Unlike many of his brothers, he’s also got the charm to back up his good looks. He’s also incredibly clever and calm and funny…the bastard.

He winks at your nurse, and she blushes red and giggles.

“If you’re here to harass my staff, you can see yourself out-” You say sharply.

“I’m not feeling harassed,” Your nurse says, almost dreamily.

“Don’t you have work to do?” You ask sharply. You’re not jealous. You’re not. You just don’t appreciate him flirting with your staff and distracting them. 

If you keep repeating that to yourself, maybe you’ll believe it someday.

The nurse blanches white, and turns and scurries out of the room.

“That wasn’t very nice,” Mereel chides with a broad grin on his face.

“Do I look like a nice person?” You ask curtly, “What do you want?”

“Why do I have to want something?” Mereel asks, his grin growing as he crosses the room and leans his hip against your desk, “Maybe I just want to see your smiling face.”

“Do I look like I’m smiling?”

“Maybe I can put a smile on your face,” He offers quickly, “I’m very talented in many areas-”

“If you’re not dying, get out of my office.”

“Babe-”

“No.”

“Ner cyare-”

“Do not.”

“The love of my life-”

“Get. Out.”

“But Doc,” His voice has a distinct whine to it, and you glower at him, “I’m in pain.”

“Walk it off.” And then you sigh, “Fine. What’s wrong?”

“Well you see, there’s this pretty doctor I keep talking to-” He says with a sly grin.

“You do realize that I’m not a toy for you to play with, right.” You snap.

“But doc, I’d play with you so good,” He almost coos, his eyes alight with mirth, “Uh…doc…You’re holding that syringe kind of…threateningly.”

“I’m wondering,” You say through gritted teeth, “If I sedate you, it might give enough time for that hole in your face to heal shut.”

“I don’t have a hole in my fac-ohhh…you’re talking about my mouth.”

“Yeah. I am.”

“Aww,” He coos at you, “You’re adorable when you’re threatening me. Super hot. Very attractive.” You click your tongue at him, and he laughs and moves away from your desk, “Alright, alright. I’m leaving. I’m sure you have very important doctor work you need to do. I’ll see you later, ner cyare!”

“Please don’t.” You sigh as the door slides shut, and you drop your head on your desk. You need migraine medicine. 

An hour later, the base is rattled by an explosion.

You immediately jump to your feet and grab your med bag and head towards the explosion. There has never been an explosion so close to base before, but you don’t think about the potential danger to yourself. 

You let out a startled noise when a strong hand wraps around your upper arm and jerks you back. “What the hell are you doing?” Mereel rips his helmet off, “Where are you going?” He demands.

“There was an explosion, which means injured people.” You say as you try and pull your arm from his grip, though you’re not able to, “Which means, Mereel, that they need me.”

“You-” For once, he seems to be at a loss for words, “Are you fucking stupid? You don’t even have armor! You’ll be killed.”

You scoff, “Please. That’s hardly a concern. You and your brothers are here after all.”

“Holy shit.” Mereel shakes his head, “I am flattered at your faith in us, but I am not allowing you to run into an active battlefield.”

“I wasn’t asking.”

“Oh my god, you’re so stubborn! Why am I in love with you?” He rubs the back of his neck, “Fine! Fine. But you are going to go to the medical tent and you are going to stay there.”

“Can we rewind to the point where you said you’re in love with me?”

“No. Yes.” He pauses, “Later. We’re being attacked. Priorities, Doc.” Mereel drags you down a different hall, “There. Medical tent. With the red symbol on it.”

“I know what a medical tent looks like.” You snark.

He stares at you, “Then get to it.” He pulls his helmet on as another explosion rocks the base, “Now! And stay there.” He warns as he jabs his finger in your face.

“You’re not my mother,” You grouch as you hurry over to the tent, while Mereel hurries in the opposite direction towards the explosions. 

The fighting continues for hours, though the explosions stop after the first thirty minutes. At least, you think they have, you’re rather distracted with trying to save the lives of the people in your care.

And by the time the fighting is over, you’re sore and exhausted, and you just want to sleep for the next week or so.

You check on your patients one more time, making sure that they’re stable enough to be moved to the infirmary to receive proper medical care, and then you step out of the tent and roll your shoulders. You stop at the medical droid and give the order to start moving the injured, and then you step away to head back to your office.

You don’t make it to your office. Instead someone tugs you into a supply closet, and before you realize what's happening, you’re pressed back against the door.

Mereel looks down at you, caged between his arms. There’s something warm and soft on his face, and it makes your stomach flip nervously. “You’re filthy,” You say softly.

And he is. His armor has dirt and dust covering it, and his hair is laying flat, from wearing his helmet for so long. “Wanted to see you before I shower and crash,” He replies easily.

“Are you hu-”

Your question is cut off when he crashes his lips against yours. His gloved hand comes up to cradle the back of your head as he presses himself tighter against you.

Mereel’s armor presses against you uncomfortably, uncomfortably enough that you’ll probably have bruises if he doesn’t pull away, but you don’t care as you reach up and wrap your arms around his neck.

He groans into the kiss and then he effortlessly lifts you so that you’re able to wrap your legs around his waist. And only then, when you’re in his arms, does he break the kiss and bump his forehead against yours.

“I hope,” Mereel says quietly, “That this is proof that I mean it when I flirt with you.”

You smile at him, and lightly press one of your hands against his cheek, “It’s a pretty good hint, yes.” You slowly trail your thumb across his cheekbone, “You know…I’m not much of a cook, but I do make a pretty good cheesecake.” You whisper.

“Yeah?”

“If you want I can make us some tomorrow. And we can talk and figure us out?” 

“Are you asking me on a date, ner cyare?” Mereel asks, delight on his face.

You smile shyly, “Yeah. I guess I am.”

He kisses you then, soft and sweet, “It’s a date.”

[defilerwyrm]

Thank you for posting so authentically and tbh poetically about your transition. I was wondering if you have any gems of wisdom to share about your total hysto.. I was born with a malformed uterus (it is bicornuate) I've always had problems from it and I just want it gone. How was the process? And healing? How has the removal affected you in the years after? I appreciate you bro.

Heya, first off, sorry for taking so long to reply, and thank you! It’s been really rewarding to get to share my experience with others, answer questions, and hopefully dispel some myths. Bottom surgeries for trans men & trans mascs are too often maligned or erased and I’m grateful for the opportunity to fight against that with facts and experience.

The process was kind of funny. The admission and all such were your typical surgery stuff. They kept me overnight in the hospital pumping me full of saline with two jolly nurses watching over me. More or less every hour I woke up needing to piss like a racehorse, and the nurses would gently make fun of my woozy attempts to get up in these marvelous Georgia accents while helping me do so and disconnecting me from the drip, and I’d shuffle off to pee like half a liter (like…literally). This pattern continued until I was able to pass a certain threshold of how much I peed at one time. The purpose of this was to make sure my bladder was working correctly. After that, they let me sleep a bit and then I was released.

Before the surgery I had asked my surgeon if I could see the parts she was taking out, so she took photos for me of my insides during surgery and the whole kit & caboodle after it was removed, and printed them out on nice glossy paper for me. I was frankly astounded by how tiny the uterus actually is. Diagrams make it look like it’s the size of both hands put together or something but it would have easily fit in the palm of one! Also my liver is kinda cute. I still want to frame those photos.

I went home and mostly slept in a recliner a lot for the first couple of weeks. I wore sweatpants and kept an ice buddy (a penguin full of rice my friends got me) on my belly much of the time. I am pretty good at staying ahead of the pain with my meds without taking it more frequently than is safe, so I was only really a little sore and very, very sleepy. Bathing was a matter of wet wipes and dry shampoo for a while. I think I was off work for somewhere between four and eight weeks, and once I was past the first two or so, I spent a lot of time still in the recliner with the ice buddy, but this time binge-watching Critical Role and playing Stardew Valley. My cats stayed as close to me as they could the whole time. I think 4 weeks after the fact I was more or less fine.

Shortly after my spay, I started having hot flashes: since mine was a total hysterectomy (they removed the uterus, both ovaries—which, sure enough, turned out to be absolutely riddled with cysts—and the cervix), my estrogen level went from low to fuck-all, so I basically went through Menopause Lite. The hot flashes weren’t miserable. They were just stretches of time when I looked around and went “Is it just me or is it hot in here all of a sudden? Is the A/C on?” and it was, in fact, just me. Those came and went for maybe 3 months.

(A note for cis women and for trans/nb guys who aren’t on T: I attribute the mildness of my menopause symptoms to the fact that PCOS and HRT were already suppressing my estrogen production. If you have “normal” estrogen levels, there is a non-zero chance that yours will be worse. Ask your doctor for more info about this. If you don’t have your ovaries removed, you won’t go through this in the first place.)

Obviously I am now forever free of the misery of menstruation and the unacceptable risk of becoming pregnant. Both of those things are extremely awesome and I love them forever. Being sterile fucking rules! I’ve wanted this since I was 6 years old and no one can ever take it away from me! \:D/

This last section is about peeing so it goes under a cut!

The one and only downside is that I need to pee, like, all the time. Granted, the fact that I drink about a gallon of water every day does have a lot to do with that. But I’ve found that the sensation of needing to piss urgently comes a lot sooner than it used to. On a normal day, with me sitting here guzzling sweet, unchlorinated, high-quality well water all the time, I have to hit the head every 1-2 hours. If I stop drinking liquids about an hour or two before a road trip I can make a 3-hour drive without needing a pit stop. I asked my mom and a friend, both of whom have also had hysterectomies, if they go through this too, and they confirmed that yeah they do need to pee a lot more frequently than before the surgery. Just, y’know, not as often as I do because they’re not drinking 3-5 L of water daily.

The upside to THAT, actually, is if I need to wake up early, I can just drink a glass of water before going to sleep and I am guaranteed an early wake-up. I am an extremely deep sleeper, much to my own detriment—except where my bladder is concerned.

An odd little thing I’ve found, since my uterus is no longer helping to control where my bladder sits in my torso, is that how I urinate is a little different. Before, it was just the normal muscle movements I’d been doing all my life. Now, I find that urine comes in “waves”: it starts out normal, but then—it’s hard to explain, but I use a slightly different sort of muscle movement, a Kegel type thing, to…it feels like repositioning my bladder a little(???), and then I can feel the rest of the urine pouring down to my ureter, and then it’s normal pissing again. I mean…I’m just guessing at what’s actually going on in there based on what I can feel happening, so I could be off, who knows. It’s a little strange, but it’s not at all painful or anything, it’s just a neutral thing.

I very strongly recommend starting Kegel exercises as soon as you can if you plan on getting a hysterectomy, if you’re not doing them already. These can go a long way to making sure you don’t have problems with incontinence afterward. They were a standard part of my daily life for quite a few years leading up to my spay and so far so good.

[jennyandvastraflint]

Xena Reactions S3Ep3

We start with a dude dramatically running away from war... EW. ARES. He just keeps getting uglier

Damn strong armour. Is the armour possessing the guy?

MEDAL OF HEPHESTEUS!?

Cheerful start really

Damn they wanna hurt some guy. Was that Gabby

YEEES XENA AND GABRIELLE

Gosh Xena and Gabrielle are so gorgeous

Is she gathering criminals for a mission XD

OHHH GORGEOUS.

"I am no lady" either way gender.

Xena introducing them

"Just men?" 😂 Gabrielle asking the good questions

Going up against Ares... Blergh. Ares can go choke on his own ego.

Oof, village laid waste

The armour looks so stupid honestly...

Rude!???

Love how Xena's SWORD broke but not Gabrielle's staff 😂

Oh fuck the pretty one was hit

Oh. METAL! Not medal... Yes that makes more sense (auditory processing issues hu)

Blacksmithing fancam

Hate that pretentious guy

CALLISTO SHOUTOUTTT <3

"Wow, nice ceps!" He is GAY. He is so down to suck Ares's dick...

BOOMERANG (Sokka is foaming at the mouth in jealousy)

"Cos I'm gonna kill her" no you won't. Shut up and suck Ares's dick you war simp

Gabrielle commanding them as she should.

Boo for them ignoring her.

"Murderers guarding murderers"

"Were they murderers before they met you?" OUCH

THEY WERE LIKE ME

AAAAAAH

"Am I really who I am, or am I what you made me?"

They're playing their funny guessing game again

Jesus can these murderers CHILL

Gabrielle looking, then going NOOOPE

Please these idiots are still standing there

Ahaha they're guarding each other cos none trusts the other to not kill them

RISE AND SHINEEE

"But what are you here for?"

SO VALID. STAB THAT GUY DEAD.

"You know what men are like" lesbian

Ahaha he just fell asleep

"But you're going to buy them"

Yuck, I wouldn't wanna be stuck with that guy either

"I think I've never been part of a true disaster before" "Cynic"

URGH the sexist prick can go die in a ditch

Ew what kinda straight sex shit is this

"Men are so easy" shdhshd

Gosh he's annoying.. Why r all the men in this annoying

NOOOO HE WANTED TO HURT GABRIELLE

And he grabbed Xena...

DID SHE KILL HIM-

Oop

"That's gotta be uncomfortable" 😂

GABRIELLE MY BABYGIRL

"Is this a private get together or can anyone join in?" Oh she knooows

She's happy they're working together

AHAHA She sensed Ares

Why is Ares' beard so fucking UGLYYYY. Like it literally got worse

Ares you snitch. Why are you telling her. Bro as if THAT isn't also interfering?? 😂

Uhhhh... Whomst?

Damn they throw bombs

Gabrielle ur so amazing

Xena I love you sm

Damn. She's defyyying gravity

Mmmmm, dudebro sexist is sus af

Urgh... They tricked her...

GABBY

YUCK. DISGUSTING. I hope she gets to murder him

I love Gabby

HOLY SHIT. HER SHOVING THE OTHER WOMAN AGAINST THE WALL (Gabrielle 🤝 Jenny)

Glaphyra?

Yeah true but y'know, a bit too many men for my liking, and a whole bunch of others stand around doing nothing about it

They really just want money, hu

Is he gonna free them

Ayoooo double double crossing

Ahsdhsh she used the Doctor strategy. Get captured cos breaking out the cell is easier than breaking into the whole thing

EW. ASSAULT. DISGUSTING. Someone give her a wife

"Hey that's not how a princess fights" gosh get some perspective, man

"Amazon Princess" YOU TELL HIM

OH FUCK. GABRIELLE IS JUST SEEING XENA MURDER WITHOUT RESTRAINT

Something something the old Xena showing for a moment

"Why does everyone wanna kill me?" Honestly it's very understandable

"I'm not leaving!" "Like she said"

Ares is like lmao bye have fun dying, loser

All the steaaaam, brilliant. Gotta be pretty hot in there

YEESH That gotta hurt

Kabooooom

"Look after Xena, okay?" awwwww

"I'd sooner fall for a toad" valid

THEY'RE SO GAAAY

"You're Gabrielle" AAAAAH ❤️

"Question is who would I be without you?"

Ahaha them bickering

Ok so as a whole the episode was very, very meh. I liked the Xena/Gabrielle moments tho

[my-evil-brain]

I'm so tired of all of this it's not even funny.

It's 2024, and i was promised a bright technological safer better than the past world. Instead, i live through a world of greedy, power-hungry, mean uncaring, ignorant assholes and fuckwads. Growing up was tough enough dealing with 12 years of pokes and jabs, and no one was listening or paying attention. Then suddenly, I'm an adult, and zero shits changed. In fact, it's worse. Now im 40s, friendless , depressed and lonely. I always thought i had friends. But they all proved themselves not even worthy and worthless. I can't even trust people to confide in or be a friend anymore. They all either have ghosted me, lied, cheated, or stolen. I could never share feelings and deep thoughts because so far, so-called friends always used the info to take jabs against me as a joke or not caring in general. Not that people have ever truly listened to me anyway. That always pisses me off. Decades of repeating myself over and over, and eventually, when I'd get upset about it even a little, im being an asshole and unreasonable. My best friend from grade school, I don't even want to know anymore. I'm sick to death of his misogyny and drunkenness hitting on women I'd liked. His knack for insulting every woman I've been with ( to fat, bossy, ugly for his taste) plus how he treats the women he's been with. Blaming everything on his drinking (A.A. is lame so..no). I left for Tennessee after an awful break-up years ago. Everyone I knew ghosted me years ago. It started with them or me asking how things were going. After i responded, days, weeks, months before a response. Which was usually a "how's it going " text. Eventually, i stopped trying, and nobody even noticed. I've had one good friend visit me out here. After 2016 he gets pissy at our friend group because he can't take the trump bitching and hes got a gf he's got better things to do. So that whole dichotomy broke apart. Fuck, my own fucking parents only visited twice in 13 yrs....11 yrs ago. Then suddenly moms sick and 6 months later shed dead. I say suddenly but she just didn't go to the doctor and 2 yrs later the pain was so bad she couldn't take it and that's how we found out she had stage 4 cancer (it wasn't stage 1 when she found out). Surprise motherfucker! I'm so fucking tired of not being able to trust anyone and being the weirdo because my intrests aren't sports and hunting and other perceived manly things along with misogyny and loving a lieing rapest facist traitorous fraud who was president. So sorry I'm into philosophy and art and science and history and the paranormal and freedom to be and not facism. That excludes me from so many anythings when I'm around people. Not that I want to be around that, but its so fucking lonely a way to exist. It's depressing as fucking hell. And yes I've done something about that after 2020 broke me. I even tried therapy. That was useless. The doctor kept insisting I'm not acknowledging some trauma in my childhood at home. When I clearly stated what was bothering me. 12 yrs in public school, nobody listening to me when I speak, and everyone proving to be untrustworthy and mean dicks. It's not that I'm suicidal, I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to participate in any of this worlds bullshit and that's all the world is now. I'm watching the environment colapse, the poor get poorer the rich n politicians not giving a fuck and hatred and greed everywhere. And I get laughed at and dismissed by all around me all the time everywhere I've been, because I'm apparently stupid for believing it's that bad. It is that bad, its worse. The bad is totally out pacing the good in life. I just want everyone to feel as hurt as i am as pained as i am, but that's wrong. So i play nice dont jab back and be just as petty. On the off chance i do, or at least stand up for something, I'm suddenly a problem, and I'm inappropriate. Everyone else, perfectly fine when they do the same. I'm so fucking tired of all these people, this world, being ignored, not being considered, the greed n hatred. It's god damn depressing and lonely as fuck.

FML

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

I’m On Fire [Chapter 1]

Summary: With her sister’s wedding fast approaching and her Mom hounding her about finding a date, Y/N makes a terrible decision that lands her and her least favorite genius in a confusing situation.

A/N:  This is the first part in a series, I’ve written the first few chapters already so I’m hoping to update pretty regularly! I hope you guys enjoy, and any feedback is always appreciated! ❤️

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem Reader

Category: Fake Dating, Enemies to Lovers, (Eventual) Smut, Fluff, Angst, it’s a Slow Burn Baby

Warnings: None really for this chapter, cursing? Mean-ish Spencer

Word Count: 6.5k

Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

Masterlist 

I wasn’t at the BAU long before it started to feel like home. The team became my family, pure and simple.

Having been recruited by Hotch at only 22 I'd sort of fallen into the roll of the little sister to the team without really meaning to. It's not that I was naive, or particularly sheltered even. I know I'm good at my job, and I'd want to be, given how my life's revolved around it almost entirely. But the team seemed to adopt a protective mindset over me right off the bat.

When I first joined the FBI everything was terrifying. I worked so hard for my PhD, trying to get into the unit, but there's almost nothing that can actually prepare you for the real thing. Being out in action in the field, working the cases out in real time. Sometimes they had a smooth, easy conclusion followed by loud obnoxious drinks together. Then there were the others, the ones that kept me up for days after and felt as though they owned little pieces of my heart still.

It was JJ that helped the most on those horrible flights back on the jet. Noticing my anxious ticks and uneasy disposition after that first case that had ended badly. JJ had been through it all before, taking too many cases home with her. Seeing her son's little faces in the kids that we couldn't help. If I was the baby of the team JJ was the big sister, looking out for everyone.

Morgan on the other hand was the outrageously cool older brother, the one you just wanted to be. Early on he'd helped my weak self with the ruthless fitness regimen the FBI required, he offered to pull some strings and get the test written off. But I couldn't accept that, there was something in me that just wanted to impress Morgan, and honestly still does. Like somehow if he thought you were cool, then it became true. So I passed the exam, but getting up a flight of stairs was near impossible for a week after.

Emily was probably the fun aunt. The one that would sneak you booze at the family gathering, or take you to your first concert. Emily was actually the one who'd found me, digging around colleges for potential recruits she'd had me picked out for a while I later found out. Insisting that Hotch give me a shot. It was reassuring to know I had someone who would stick up for me from day one.

I was an tech analyst, among other things, sort of a counterpart for Garcia in the field. So it was no surprise to anyone when the two of us hit it off as though we'd known each other forever. We weren't the same by any means though. Penelope was bold, and bright, and confident beyond measure, where I've typically felt like more of a blend into the background type. I've always thought of myself that way, despite my achievements. I'd also always believed I was fairly inoffensive, no one I'd met had ever had a huge problem with me, 'till I got to the BAU that is.

Every rose has its thorn I suppose.

That thorn in my side was Dr. Spencer Reid.

It wasn't that Dr. Reid was a bad agent, or even a bad person. I hadn't actually met him before that first day in the conference room, but I'd known who he was for a long time. Before I came along he'd held the mantle of 'youngest ever recruit' in the unit, while I was studying I'd read any of his work I could get my hands on because of that fact.

I figured it must've been some sort of hazing when he looked me up and down that first day I was introduced, and then proceeded to blank me entirely for a full week. Up until I'd wrapped my first case.

The whole team went straight from the jet to the bar. Proceeding to get far too drunk. Spencer joined, which the rest of the team found unusual, and I probably should've taken as a sign of things to come.

That case went well, and everyone was in high spirits but Reid had a sour disposition, at least it seemed that way every time he looked at me. After a few too many drinks I went outside in an attempt to sober up in the cold air, unfortunately Reid must've snuck outside not long before.

"Ugh" was all he said when he first caught my silhouette approaching him. The night was unusually cold so it had been deserted outside the bar that evening. I wasn't really sure why it made me nervous to be alone with him like this, the two of us leaning back against the same small area of brick wall, looking out at the cold night.

"Nice to see you too doctor" was all I could muster, I was drunk enough that I let my sarcastic tone leap out, "you can relax, I'm just trying to get some fresh air, it's too stuffy in there, and loud. I'm not here to talk to you or anything."

"Well aren't you a sensitive thing" he responds in kind, at that point I wasn't really sure if it was a coincidence or if he'd been genuinely avoiding me, but things were starting to clear up.

"I'm sensitive, that's a fun take on things" I joke, taking a long sip of cold water from my glass.

"And what's that supposed to mean, newbie?" his emphasis on the last word all but confirms my suspicions.

"Fuck man, what's your problem with me? Is it because I'm new, or because I beat your stupid record?" I quip. hoping that at the very least it might coax him out of his shell. Dr. Spencer Reid getting angry at me could honestly be better than the nothing I'd been experiencing from him until now.

"What stupid record?" he sounds genuinely confused

"I'm the youngest BAU recruit now?" I didn't know why else he could be so sour. He'd never met me before last week, and since he'd ignored me that first day I'd done all I could not to step on his toes. So if he had a reason to hate me this much, it wasn't something I'd done on purpose.

He takes a few moments to respond, raising his eyebrows and considering the information. He chuckles. He fucking chuckles.

"That's funny." he says, his voice leveling out, "I didn't peg you as funny newbie" that word sets something off in me again. Something about it is dismissive, or belittling. Before I could fight back he starts to move, maneuvering around me and heading back inside. A little too tipsy to think of anything constructive to say, I just mutter "Fuck you Spencer."

He swings open the door, as he walks inside he just says "See you Monday, Newbie" without even looking at me.

And that was only the beginning.

----

"You know I'm just trying to make sure you get enough rest sweetheart. There's no need to get so defensive!" it was far too early in the morning to be dealing with this call. Since joining the BAU a few years ago this was a standard call from my Mom. Equal parts well meaning and over-bearing, and generally asking far too many questions.

"I'm not getting defensive Mom, I get plenty of rest, my job is just very important to me and you know that." I knew she was right to be at least a little worried, this job was consuming, and in all honesty I wasn't sure how people like JJ were married and still here. It seemed like an impossible feat.

"Fine sweetie, how are your co-workers doing then? How's Penelope? Give her my love" she loved Penelope, I think she thought that Penelope tethered me to the normal world, and in a way she was right. She kept me sane, and fun, and made me eat pizza and do face masks once a week at least. Even when I didn't think I wanted to.

"Pen's great Mom, everyone's good. Well, the usual ones get on my nerves, but I'm fine." As I say it I glance across at Dr. Reid, the only person who's also in as early as I am most days. I'm not sure if he can hear me but he's tapping his pen so loud on his desk that it takes all of my energy not to walk across the bullpen and stab him with it.

"Y'know what Mom, I'm actually just after getting to work and it's a busy day so can I call you back later?" I chance, getting her off the phone is always an ordeal.

"Fine, fine, I'll let you go. But wait one last thing!"

I knew what was coming. It was always coming.

"Are you seeing anyone, Margot's been wondering too, just thought I'd check in?"

Pinching the bridge of my nose and trying not to scream down the line, I just sigh out the frustration instead.

"No Mom, believe it or not, I've made no progress on that front since you asked me all of 3 days ago."

"See you are being defensive!" she snaps

"I gotta go, bye Mom. Love you!" I say, hanging up quickly before dropping my head down into my arms on my desk, resting like that for a few moments in silence.

Hearing Garica chuckle behind my ear I perk up and spin around. She's holding a small paper cup of coffee and hands it to me. I look at it confused, "Sorry about the paper, I couldn't find your mug in the cabinet" she apologizes, looking over at Dr. Reid and rolling her eyes. Now I know he can hear me from his seat, he takes that moment to sip from my mug and place it gently back on his desk.

It hadn't taken long for him to start toying with me. It was always stupid childish things. Things I couldn't get genuinely annoyed at, that would give him far too much satisfaction, knowing he was getting to me in any real way. This was one trick he liked to play if he got into the office before me, he'd take my mug and make his coffee in it, just to spite me I guess.

"Why does he even do that, it's so stale" she said, just a little louder than normal to make sure he could hear. Garcia and Reid were still good friends and team-mates but she liked to stand up for me when she could. He liked to avoid me as much as possible so he'd usually go to Garcia before me if he needed help with something. Even when the two of us were out in the field together. Which was obnoxious but it was just another thing I'd gotten used to over time. And as long as it didn’t interfere with the case I just forced myself to let it go.

"I know it's such low grade bullying isn't it?" I shot back with a chuckle.

"So I'll take it that was Mommy dearest" Penelope gestures to my phone. She knew my Mom, and she knew about her general overbearing energy. I let out a groan thinking about the call again, and the calls that were to come.

"Isn't it always Mommy dearest?" I joke

"So she's still on your ass about the wedding then?" I'm sure Penelope was almost as sick of hearing about it as I was,

"Margot's getting married in like 4 months now, and every time Mom calls there’s just some new hometown loser she wants to set me up with Pen. It's fucking exhausting" I take a sip of the coffee she made me, savoring the bitter taste. She sits down on my desk for a moment, leaning in.

"Honey, did you ever think that if you got out there and found someone, she wouldn't be on your ass at all?" I don't want to think about that, about how she's completely right. All I can do is let out another small groan and lean back down onto my desk.

"Too early Pen" I say, it's muffled by the desk but she gets the message. Hopping up and heading to her own office as some more people start to arrive for the morning.

Leaving me alone to make a start on my paperwork that had built up throughout the week. Fridays were usually slow like this, giving me a little too much time to think. I couldn't shake the thought that my Mom and Penelope were actually right. Maybe I was a bit too invested in the job, and maybe that was a pretty big factor in why my last relationship imploded but I wasn't about to admit that to anyone.

----

After that the day crawls by, thankfully no cases pop up so the weekend might actually be free. Trying to make sure I clear up all of my paperwork takes a little longer than I'd hoped and leaves me alone in the bullpen. It seems like everyone's gone home by the time I've packed up and I'm ready to leave. Which wasn't as out of the ordinary as I'd like it to be really. Everyone else seemed to have somewhere to be on a Friday night.

Waiting for the elevator to arrive my phone started to ring, I could see my Mom's caller ID on the screen. If I just let it go I know she'll call back later, may as well get it out of the way. I take a deep breath in anticipation before I answer.

"Hey what's up?" I answer, stepping inside the elevator as the doors ping open.

"Hi sweetie, I've got good news! Do you remember David? That lovely boy, he helped out your Father that summer in high school?" I know what's coming and rub my temple, trying to stifle the headache I know is coming. As I answer a hand slides between the elevator doors, popping them open again.

Dr. Fucking Reid walks in, and he looks about as happy to see me as I am to see him. I make eye contact and look away just as fast, willing him away with my mind. "Yes Mom, I remember him, why are you telling me this?" I already know the answer but I'm fed up, she still sounds excited when she responds.

"Well you won't believe it! I ran into him at the market this morning and I thought you'd like it if I passed on your phone number to him, maybe for the weddi-" it took all I had not to shout into the receiver, and maybe I would've had the elevator been empty.

"Mom! Jesus!" I have to reign myself in, but I have a bad idea, "You know what, I'm actually sorted. I've got a date lined up now" I'm not sure why I said it with no real plan in place. She sounds even more excited than I've ever heard her.

"Oh my, that's amazing sweetie! That was fast, I can't believe you found one since this morning, it's someone from work so?" she assumes, and I'm just not thinking fast enough to correct her.

"Mmhmm, yeah" I'll figure out the logistics later I rationalize.

"Oh! Is it that boy you're always on about, the one who teases you?" she asks, and her voice is full of joy, and it makes me feel horrible that I'm lying already, and that I'm going to let her down.

"Yup, that's the one, look Mom I gotta go, I'll talk to you later! Night" I blurt out so fast it has to be obvious I'm nervous.

I can hear a stifled chuckle behind me. Fuck. How loud is my phone speaker. Could he hear that. Surely not. But this elevator was completely silent. The doors open and I have to stop myself from running to my car at top speed. Instead I walk out just a little faster than normal, turning around to shoot him a small wave goodbye. And he's got this devious smirk on his face that makes my stomach turn.

Sitting into my car I pull out my phone to text Garcia immediately.

I'm on my way to yours right now. It's urgent.

——

Traffic's light so it takes maybe 10 minutes before I arrive at Garcia's place. My mind's racing and my body takes me there on autopilot. Why did I say any of that, why did I even answer the damn phone. Why did I wave goodbye to Spencer, I never usually did that. Maybe that's why he had that look on his face. Maybe he was just thinking of something funny that happened earlier and it had nothing to do with me at all. That was something he'd do to mess with me for sure.

How was I going to walk this back with my Mom, she was just gonna have more questions that I couldn't answer. Fuck.

Garcia buzzed me up and her door was open for me by the time I got up the stairs. This little purple apartment had become my second home. It was where I spent most of my evenings off, laughing on the same sofa I was collapsing face first into right now. Garcia nestles in beside me and runs her hand over my hair, "Hey sweet pea, what's happening? I don't want to sound too concerned but you're not giving me much to go off? Are you dying, is there drama? You're going to have to tell me what's so urgent before I burst a blood vessel?"

I let out a muffled, "is drahmuh" into the pillow, Garcia shakes my shoulders.

"Sit up babe, damn!" I have to heave myself out of the pillows, sitting upright on the sofa beside her, clutching one of the pillows in my arms.

"It's drama" I repeat,

"Well, out with it then, you know I'll take all the drama I can get! Spill, spill" she rushes me along. I'm already apprehensive, Reid's her coworker too, but if anyone would understand why this was such an issue it was gonna be her.

"Okay, I'm after doing something stupid and I think I really need your advice" I cringe already, thinking back to the elevator, throwing out my words faster, I continue the story, mostly trying to get it over with, "my Mom called again when I was on the way out tonight and she was trying to set me up with this guy, and Reid was there, and I got all flustered, and I told her I had a date already" I throw my head down into the pillow again.

"Wait why was Reid there?" she looks like she's trying to fit puzzle pieces together and she's getting nowhere, "And what's the drama?"

"Shit Garcia, it was in the elevator and it was all quiet, and maybe he heard the call, maybe he didn't but he had this fuckin' look on his stupid face" I can't shake the smug little smirk, it's burned inside my eyelids. Garcia's face falls in what looks like disappointment.

"Ugh Y/N! That's nothing chill out, why does it matter if he heard your call? I know you guys are all weird but none of that is any of his business anyway!" she shoo's her hand in the air, dismissing the whole situation.

"No Garcia, it is his business now" I have to close my eyes when I say it, I can't look at her "I told my Mom that he was my date, well, I didn't say his name or anything, she assumed it was someone from work and so I just agreed, and then she suggested that it was him and then I fucking panicked Pen, I fucked up so bad. What do I do?"

I finally opened my eyes to look up at Garcia. She was sitting in pure silence, pursing her lips in what seemed like contemplation. The puzzle pieces finally slotting together. It's as though a light bulb goes off behind her eyes and she bursts out in fits of laughter. Doubling over on herself before finally taking a few breaths to calm herself down. I'm honestly not sure why she finds the whole thing so funny, she know's how needlessly annoying he's made my life, she's seen it first hand and heard me talk about it over and over again in this very apartment over pizza.

"Garcia, this is not fucking funny! This is serious!" I try to calm her down, I need advice not whatever this is.

"I'm so sorry Y/N, I love you dearly. But this isn't funny, this is hilarious. It's like you're Sandra Bullock in some mid-90's rom com. I love it" I don't love it, in fact I hate it. I nearly snap at her but pull myself back.

"Pen, come on, help me out. What do I do with this, how do I fix it?" I plead.

She stops laughing and pulls out her phone, "Okay, I'm sorry. I'm going to order us a pizza, and we're gonna sort this thing out together, sound good?" I just nod and collapse back into the sofa. I think I feel better now that I've gotten it out in the open.

----

Penelope makes us tea while we wait for the pizza, she keeps lemon & ginger in her cabinet for me, just like I keep mint for her. The warm mug and the steam calm me down. After a few minutes alone to think about it I start to figure it out a little better. I figure I can just lie to my Mom for a while, it might suck but I can pretend for a bit and then make up some excuse as to why he can't come closer to the time. Then I can just bring Garcia instead and everyone's happy. I'm about to float my plan to her there's a knock on her door. I was so caught up that I hadn't really noticed quite how starving I'd gotten. Leaping up of the sofa to grab the door.

I swing it open but it's not the pizza guy. Somehow it's the opposite of the pizza guy, my worst nightmare is on the other side of the door. He must notice my eyes blow completely wide. "Y/N!" he says, more of a statement than a question really, like he's telling himself that he's actually seeing me in the doorway. I'm not as gentle.

"What the fuck are you doing here Reid?!" I can't even disguise my anger. He seems a little flustered, like he's got absolutely no idea how to proceed.

"Um, uh, is Garcia here? I can, um, I can just come back later?" he swallows hard and shakes his head, before I can agree and tell him to get lost Penelope races to the door, pulling it wide open.

"Nope, that won't be necessary Doctor! Come on in, you're right on time sweetheart" she waves him in and he walks past me, his demeanor changing almost instantly. He's smug, like he's won whatever battle this was. And I hate it. Though he's still as confused as me despite the newfound attitude. Reid sits down on the sofa, right where I had been sitting. I bite my tongue and sit on the opposite end.

"Are you okay Garcia?" he asks with a genuine concern, "What's going on, what was the emergency?". He's not stupid, he knows she's not in danger now that he's here. But he wants answers. I don't know that I've ever seen him this confrontational with anyone, well anyone but me. The entire time I’m staring her down as she sits in the armchair opposite the two of us. My keys are in my pocket and my car's right outside. I could just jump up and make a break for it. Escape.

"You know what Doc, you won't believe it but I'm not actually the one with the emergency" she takes a beat, and I'm starting to think that I might understand why people murder other people after all these years, "Y/N has something urgent she needs to talk to you about" she's silent for another moment, and she almost looks giddy, "Actually Spencer, you might already know a little something about the matter already, now that I think about it" she smirks, and it's pure joy.

My keys are in my hand ready to bolt when the doorbell chimes again. "Oh, that'll actually be the pizza this time, if you two will excuse me" she hops up out of the armchair and races to the door, leaving the two of us alone in a horrible silence. The tension is almost too much, I want to speak but I really have no idea what to say, or how to even start saying it. But he starts.

"Y/N what's going on, I feel like I'm out of the loop here? What am I missing?" he asks, and there's something uncharacteristically genuine about the way he says it, but he can't turn to look at me as he speaks. I almost want to let my guard down and just have a conversation but I can’t force myself to do it. "Shut up Reid." is all I mutter, folding my arms across my chest.

He turns sharply on the sofa to face me. "Hey Y/N. Believe it or not I'm about as happy as you with whatever kind of Parent Trap situation Garcia's got going on here. But from what I'm picking up on you've got a problem and I'm supposed to be able to help with it. So do you want to tell me what's going on or not? I can just go?" I can see that there's an anger bubbling right below the surface, threatening to burst. I know I shouldn't but I let him stew in silence for a little too long and he jumps up off the sofa.

"Y'know what, typical" he mutters, rolling his eyes as he says it, "this is all about you." he throws his bag over his shoulders and begins to walk towards the door. Something in me just snaps.

"All about me?! Are you fucking kidding? I've been tip-toeing around you for years, ever since I joined this damn unit!" I shout as Garcia comes back into the room, pizza box and plates in her hands.

"So, who's hungry?" Garcia asks, trying to break the tension, or pretending there's no tension at all. Reid shakes his head in disbelief and rubs his temple before he speaks again, "Actually I was just gonna head out" he gestures to the door, "I'm clearly not wanted here so I'm gonna leave you guys to it." Spencer makes a move to leave but Garcia grabs the strap of his shoulder bag, yanking him back ever so slightly before he really has the chance to escape.

"You are going absolutely nowhere kid" She points back to the sofa, "get back there" she glances to me, staring with far too much intensity. "You too, sit." Her voice is more stern than I've ever heard it, even while we were on a case. I can't help but obey her command and I sit back down on the sofa in silence. Followed by Reid, clearly processing the same uneasy feeling of a serious Penelope.

She sits opposite the two of us again. "Y/N, Spencer, I love the two of you with all of my heart, albeit separately, and I would die for either one of you. But you've got to chill the hell out!" she says it like she's had it bottled up forever. The tension that releases from her as she says it looks euphoric.

She opens up the pizza box and lays it on the coffee table and takes out a slice for herself. Taking a bite she leaves the two of us in stunned silence. Once she finishes the mouthful she turns to me specifically, "Y/N you tell him, or I will." dead serious. And the feeling in my belly is like I've just fallen down an elevator shaft.

My stomach is in knots as I turn to Spencer on the sofa next to me. His face is puzzled and I think I might be able to make out pure terror in his expression. I don't know that I've ever been looked at like this before and my stomach screws up tighter. I have to take a deep breath and I can't believe I'm about to say it. "Fuck it" I have to take another breath almost immediately so I just have to force the rest out, "I don't know if you heard the call I was on while we were in the elevator earlier?" I look up to gauge his reaction and I can see his face relax, and worse than that, one corner of his mouth lifts into a sort of smile. It's a look of pure smug satisfaction and I think I might scream. I have to close my eyes because I really don't think I can look at that face as I say the next part.

"My sister is getting married in a few months and my Mom's been on my ass to find a date for the wedding and she keeps trying to set me up with these losers, so I fucking panicked, and I told her you were my date." by the time the sentence is out my eyes have screwed up so tight it feels like I have to pry them open.

He sits in silence for too long. Thinking, maybe?

"So I'm the boy who teases you then?" he grins. So he did hear. And he did laugh. He looks far too self satisfied. Now he knows he's right. He knows I've talked to my Mom about him, that he's gotten in my head. I can tell from his smile that he's savoring the moment. Mostly because I can't slap the smug smile off his face I drop my head into my hands. In an effort to disappear I guess.

"So," he says, taking a moment, "is that all you wanted to say then?" he asks, lighthearted and obnoxious, back to his usual self. I snap back to reality, shooting my head back up.

"What do you mean is that all?" I throw back genuinely shocked,

"Is that all you had to say Y/N? Can I go now? It's a long bus ride home y'know" he smirks but makes no effort to move. He can't possibly be making me do this.

"Well no, obviously!" I stutter, "I mean, are you, will you, uh?" I can't bring myself to say it out loud. He leans in on the sofa looking directly at me, refusing to break eye contact.

"Did you have something you wanted to ask me Y/N?" I just want to smack that fucking look off his face,

"Fuck you Spencer Reid" I almost whisper under my breath, but Garcia snaps me back to reality.

"Hey!" she looks at me, stern again, "Ask him." it's not a question, or a suggestion, it's a command.

"Fine okay" I scrunch my eyes up again, "Will you come to my sisters wedding with me as my fake boyfriend?" I curl up into myself as I say it, I can almost feel the bile rising up from my stomach. Like I'm having a biological reaction to the whole thing.

Reid crosses his arms and sinks back on the sofa, like he's performing the act of thinking. He's considering my offer to make me squirm.

When he finally speaks he says "Well I would Y/N, but I really fail to see what's in it for me" he's after getting cocky now.

Garcia pipes up, excited, "Oh, Oh! I know! I have an idea!" she interjects, "Spencer remember how a while ago, back after your apartment flooded you were all all worried about your antique books and prints and stuff?" he nods, "Well Y/N could digitize the collection for you as a back up? I know you're a technophobe? C'mon Y/N, you know you could do that no sweat, and it would take you a lifetime alone Spencer?" I really don't want to admit it but she's right. Even I knew Reid was adverse to any technology that wasn't vital, but it was your specialty. And maybe that was a good trade off, a job like that would be near impossible for him to pull off without help. I take a glance over at Reid and he seems to have had the same train of thought as me. He lets out an exaggerated sigh and relaxes his posture.

"Fine, I guess that's a fair trade. I'm in." he resigns and I almost can't believe it. I'm barely processing the whole conversation as he sticks his hand out to me, I'm confused for a second before I grab it and shake it firmly. Condemning myself to whatever's about to happen. And it's not the time to be thinking about it but maybe this is the first time Spencer and I have ever touched? But I shove that thought away.

Garcia's positively beaming and she's not even trying to hide it. "Now it's like you're both in a Sandra Bullock movie, oh, but you're Hugh Grant maybe?" she points to Reid.

"Don't push it" I shoot in her direction, taking a slice of pizza, now that my anxiety stomach has sort of passed.

Once the pizza's been eaten in near completely awkward silence Spencer stands up off the sofa. His unsure demeanor has returned and he looks nervous. "I actually should get going this time" he says but Garcia pipes up to protest,

"No, it's not even late!"

"It takes me a while to get back home, thank you though Pen. For... this?" he gestures to the whole living room, "Night" he waves. He's almost made it to the door before I stand up out of my seat. I'm not really sure what comes over me, maybe it's gratitude, maybe it's guilt, or maybe I'm just exhausted.

"Wait Spencer. Let me give you a ride home?" I ask and it's like it's not even me saying it .

"Thanks, but I think I can make it home just fine" he dismisses, and there’s an antagonizing tone in his voice that snaps me right back to our usual rapport.

"I'm trying to do a nice thing here, fuck! Just let me do something nice!" I snap, and he throws his arms up in surrender.

"Fine alright, if it'll make you feel better"

"Fuck you Reid" I mutter under my breath and I sort of hope that he does hear me really. If he's gonna be hostile about this I can be too. I give Garcia a hug goodbye but I'm going to scold her for this whole thing later.

----

I lead the way outside and climb into my car, Spencer hops into the passenger seat and it feels as strange as always to be alone with him. Especially because it's not an accident, and it's not in work. Maybe this was a horrible idea. He seems like he's unwilling to break the silence, so I just get it over with.

"Where the hell do you live man? I'm gonna need directions." I say, as deadpan as I can muster, which probably isn't all that intimidating.

"Sorry, yeah, so you're gonna want to turn on the ignition" he teases. I definitely wasn't intimidating enough.

"Don't push it" I say, turning to give him a cruel stare, he just reacts with a smirk, that same one from the elevator earlier.

"Oh, I'm pushing it?" he asks, feigning disbelief

"I'll kick you out of this damn car" is all I can think to say. He barely responds, he just lets out a soft chuckle. I want to ask 'what's so funny' but he speaks before I can get the words out.

"I can't believe you talk to your Mom about me" he continues to laugh. That's enough.

"You know what Reid, of course I have! I work with actual murderers on a daily basis and somehow you've been the only real source of friction in my life since I joined the BAU!" He stops giggling a little, but not entirely, he looks like he's making an effort to contain himself.

"I'm sorry. I guess I just never knew I got to you like that" he still finds the whole thing amusing, but I sure as hell don't.

"Directions, now" I demand, looking straight out the front windshield.

"Fine, keep going straight on this road for a while and I'll tell you when to turn" he says, finally playing nice.

The two of us drive silently for most of the journey, the radio playing softly in the background. Eventually we arrive outside his building, and it's nicer than I thought it would be. But I have no idea what I was really basing that on. For some reason it hadn't occurred to me that Dr. Reid lived in an actual home, I had pictured him sleeping upside down in a cave maybe, or in a cryogenic chamber with all the other life-like genius robots.

"So," he says, breaking the silence, "When is this wedding?"

"4 months from now, in and around" I respond, matter of factly. Spencer nods, taking it in.

"Alright, so I've got 4 months, in and around, to learn enough to convincingly pass as your loving boyfriend. Doesn't sound so difficult." he jokes, his tone harsh and sarcastic.

"Look Spencer, I know this is insane and honestly kind of stupid. But in all seriousness, you can back out right now if you're not on board with whatever this is. I'm telling you this is the last exit ramp." I try to say it with sincerity, giving him a genuine out if he's not comfortable with the weird set-up that Penelope pulled on us both. He thinks on it for a moment and shakes his head.

"So how are we gonna do this?" he asks, and I really thought he was going to back out. So I don't have an actual answer.

"Well, I uh, I haven't really given a plan much thought. How about I come over and start working on some of the stuff you want digitized like Garcia mentioned and I can use the time to give you the footnotes on my life?" I suggest, at least that would make it easier to knock things out all at once. Rather than having to spend even more of my free time with Reid than necessary. He looks content with the improvised plan.

"Alright, sounds good." he undoes his seatbelt and opens the door to hop out of the car before turning back to me, "Are you coming inside or what?"

— —

Next Chapter

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

[rpmemesbyarat]

DISNEY'S "GARGOYLES" SEASON 2 QUOTES RP MEME

Why do you read that stuff?

I like a man who brings me weapons.

Nice wake up call.

We won't have to find them. They'll find us.

Revenge, as they say, is a sucker's game.

I'll settle for tearing this jerk IN HALF!

Want to see me use both hands?

That's no way to treat a lady!

That was no lady.

Thanks for saving my bacon before it got fried.

Look, just promise you'll call if there's trouble.

Go ahead, try something!

I'd love to do that again!

That wasn't a tranquilizer dart.

It was loaded with a mutagenic formula!

You don't know anything about her!

Why are you stomping on my friend here?

I was particularly proud of my death scene.

You never let me drive.

The important thing is, you're alive.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Something's not right here.

Then you leave us no choice!

How are we supposed to find them?

Please, I beg you, be quiet.

This isn't a good idea.

I'm best qualified to go.

My memories are clouded.

Why should I trust you?

If you can't trust me, then trust your heart.

Why do you fight me, my love?

We are destined to be together for all eternity.

I will choose who I love!

Now we'll see what this creature looks like up close.

Why stare at marks on a page when you can rent the video?

Well, I can't read and I don't think I'm missing anything.

Harrier jets! They can take off and land like helicopters. When your life's this exciting, who needs books?

Are you all right?

I had a little trouble.

This beach isn't safe after dark.

Do you need a doctor?

Come on in. I've got a fire going.

There's little I can offer in return, except my thanks.

You understand, I don't get any real pleasure from this. Well you've got courage, beastie. I'll give you that.

Funny, something about your voice made me think you were a soldier, once.

You were there.

I'm old, but I'm not that old.

I'm glad you came back.

I'm afraid I can't stay, but I think I left something on the terrace this morning.

Have you come across a large canister?

The name sounded phony.

I do know him, but he's not a friend!

A magic book?

They're worthless. No magic at all.

The written word is all that stands between memory and oblivion.

Without books as our anchors, we are cast adrift, neither teaching nor learning.

Books are lighthouses erected in the dark sea of time.

Is this how you welcome all your guests?

They have a sense of humor. You have none.

Yeah, I know, you're as relieved I am that everything's back to normal.

Wouldn't it be great to be a shapeshifter?

Well, let's just get this over with, shall we?

How can I be of service, hmm?

Out with it. I haven't got all night.

I'm sure you'll fit right in.

What is it you really want?

This just might be fun after all.

I thought everyone knew this.

Shapeshifters, elves, fairies, you mean they're real?

You mean, you thought I was ugly?

I want you to get rid of the humans. ALL of them.

Does this look like Aladdin's lamp? I have limits, after all.

Humans love a battle hearty.

I'll never get the hang of jumping off rooftops.

I'll always be there to catch you.

Do it, and you win your freedom.

It will be my pleasure. But afterwards, I'm going to need a very long nap.

There. You're free.

The sun, it's glorious! I never thought that it could feel so good.

I'm sorry about the bomb. But it proves how dangerous this case is.

When someone messes with your partner, you're supposed to do something about it.

You still haven't learned that crime doesn't pay.

A trade?

Let's just say, I don't trust you with it.

So, now you know my weakness.

Only you would regard love as a weakness.

A momentary lapse, I assure you.

Halloween! Tonight is the night!

Come on. I've wanted to stroll down a city street with you for a long time.

Marry me.

Are you serious?

We're genetically compatible, highly intelligent, and have the same goals.

You could've been hurt. I should've been with you.

Oh-well, spilt milk. Let's move on to plan B.

Don't listen to him. It's a trick! He couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it!

Even if what you say is true, why should I help her?

Because you know what it means to lose some you love.

Not a good night for you.

You can't believe anything he says.

If someone like him can love, perhaps there is some hope for this world.

Take this as token of my love.

Upon this I pledge my heart to you forever.

Why do you need all this?

I wanted it, so I took it.

It's so unlike you to attack first.

I simply invited you here to talk.

Our past encounters have not inspired me to trust you.

It's crazy to even consider going!

I'm not interested in reminiscing!

Have you no respect for anything?

Believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

I will never be like you!

I do not wish to hurt you.

I do not wish to be you!

What am I to do?

Do nothing.

Do not worry.

Live in the moment.

Attend the petty angers and jealousies that fill your heart.

Fortify yourself with love and trust.

Fulfill the vows of love you make, for they can surely save you.

Time travel's funny that way.

Get away from me, you sentimental fool.

It's a pretty good likeness.

You know more than you're letting on.

T'was your handiwork.

very life is precious.

Take care not to become what you fight against.

Vengeance begets only a further cycle of more vengeance.

Do you want vengeance or a solution?

This is bigger than either of us has ever faced.

We'll have to work together to stop her.

Truce?

You are the cause of all this.

Humans will learn to respect you.

I would rather they fear me.

What are you doing to help?

That's one way to settle an argument.

I thought I'd rid myself of you long ago

You've forgotten about me.

You're too late. You can't save them. No one can!

I'm not here for them. I'm here for you.

I want it over between us!

I wear this as a reminder of your treachery.

Let's not start that again. You blame me, I blame you. Aren't you tired of talking about it?

I'm not here to talk.

Killing me will gain you nothing but your own death.

Death is never the answer. Life is.

I'm just so tired

Your thirst for vengeance has only created more sorrow.

I offer you one last opportunity for forgiveness and mercy.

I merely offer a sample of what you planned for me.

You have learned nothing.

I will still have my revenge!

What do we do with them?

You come in handy now and then.

I'm quite glad the plan worked.

I'm no hero, I just do my job, and my job for tonight is over.

All I want to do is hit the sack.

Why would you want to hit a sack?

How long was I out?

Even shadows must be true to their shade.

We don't need to wait for sunset.

Is it supposed to hurt that much?

Just get on with it.

Recognize the woman?

She seemed familiar, but I just couldn't place her.

You're getting real good at bypassing alarms

Don't give me credit.

It was too easy!

Maybe misery loves company.

If you're human, then you're subject to human laws.

Either way I win!

I fear no human!

There are forces at war within me.

I will return some day, if I can.

You sound like every human employee I ever fired!

Crush all of them together and you couldn't squeeze one iota of personal integrity from the lot!

No excuses, creature!

Learn to take responsibility for your own actions! And STOP whining!

Oh, I am trembling in my chair.

You believe I am not responsible. Yet I remain your prisoner?

Who said you're not responsible?

It doesn't matter that you were tricked, you know now that your actions inflicted grievous damage. Do you take responsibility for them or not?

Well, what are you going to do?

You seem distracted, having second thoughts?

We'll celebrate over breakfast.

No more excuses. I accept full responsibility for my actions. I was wrong.

Integrity is never easy. It's a daily struggle, a costly struggle.

I know I owe you a great debt for the mistake I made a year ago.

If the text wasn't new to me, it was at least worth revisiting.

All I know is I'm about to be wiped out!

It doesn't have to be that way.

I can break these chains. But only you can get me past the bars.

Automatons know nothing of betrayal or honor. They know only what they're programmed to know.

Only living beings possess the ability to change, and make new choices.

You've given me much to consider.

We are friends.

I'd rather not have your death on my conscience

You'll never reach the bridge!

You have two minutes until impact, one minute before I detonate.

I don't want any innocents hurt!

If it goes down, I'm going down with it.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Yes, well, you have that effect on people.

I built this company for you!

I'd probably give it to you, if you'd just stand up and ask me for it honestly!

Asking for it wouldn't be any fun at all.

'Fun' is still more important to you than honor. I can't understand that.

Well, maybe you'll have better luck relating to the next generation.

You should've heard him laugh.

Made my hair stand on end, if I had any.

Surely you know I am not in the habit of playing childish pranks or laughing maniacally in the dark.

Do you even know how to laugh maniacally?

Don't tempt me.

Typical. You do and do and do for them, and what happens? They twist the knife in you!

I think I've created a monster.

Have you ever considered the bounties of genetic engineering?

Or maybe cybernetics is more your style?

Save the horror show for Halloween.

I'm sure tired of taking punishment, and I'd love to be able to give some back

That's the source of the trouble.

I hope you not planning to eat your catch.

Now that I'm in charge, I'm not taking any more of your cracks!

You're barely our species!

I'm in charge, here!

I find him very attractive.

Well, that's sicker than usual.

I'm a partner in a freak show!

I should'a figured it was crazy to stick with this crew

And if you play it smart, there'll be plenty of lettuce for everyone!

I should get my own cable TV show.

Oh, me and my big mouth.

It is the cure! It has to be!

Of course it's the cure! You must trust me!

It was you all along! I trusted you!

You turned me into a monster and I defended you!

I'm sorry it had to turn out this way.

You always overplay your hand

Tell me something' Why me?

You're old, and getting older.

I thought you might even appreciate the opportunity.

Growing old terrifies you, doesn't it?

Nothing terrifies me, because nothing is beyond my ability to change.

True immortality isn't about living forever, man; it's about what you do with the time you have.

When all your scheming's done, what will be your legacy

You're still alive! It's a miracle!

Boy, the city sure is different when it snows.

Not a bad life, all things considered.

There is a cure. There must be!

You can't keep me in here forever!

I'll get out! Do you hear? I'll get out!

About time you came back.

Why did you kidnap me? What do you want of me?

See, it wasn't as hard as you made it sound.

Ah, you wish to be immortal.

If the procedure is successful, I'll release you.

This is just a sculpture's model. The real thing is life sized, and lifelike.

What's in this for you?

Service is its own reward.

I wouldn't even know where to start looking.

You may as well be of some use to me.

Open this cage, and I'll show you how 'useless' I am.

It's hard to top that.

What you seek demands a heavy price.

Death and old age have their price as well. And it's too expensive for me.

Without your sword, you're helpless.

Swordless? Maybe. Helpless? NEVER!

What you choose to do with your life is your own affair, as long as it's got nothing to do with me.

You're just full of surprises.

No, let him go. He's earned it.

I wish it hadn't turned out this way.

I was so close to finding out if the legend was true. Now there's no one to test it on.

Throw down your weapon!

Is this a whole city of fools and lawless ruffians?

I'm the law here, pal!

You are a guardian, like myself.

I will submit to your law.

You are learning.

It will take some time.

Prepare to do battle!

I have no fight with you.

What is this, merit badge test night?

Oh well, better make sure it's an uneven fight.

The weak are to be protected, not exploited.

Aaah, who died and made you king?

If you don't know anything, why were you shooting at us?

Do I really need an excuse to have a good time in my own home?

They say a man's home is his castle, and what fun would a castle be without a dungeon?

If it gets any more saccharine in there, I'm going to put a finger down my throat.

I'd sure like to know how you got here, but I'm programmed to shoot first and ask questions later.

I demand a favor.

Death is always pointless. That is the point.

I demand reparation! My son was cruelly and unfairly taken from me!

Death is the ultimate fairness. Rich and poor, young and old - all are equal in death.

Our planet cannot support so many lives at once.

I apologize for any trouble I caused in my efforts to reclaim it.

It seems I'm out of practice dealing directly with mortals.

It seems I am unaccustomed to dealing with a god

We have all gained rare enlightenment this night

Mmmm, what a peculiar sight.

Now, that's odd.

Do you often go wandering about at night, young lady?

My dear, are you saying you don't remember your own name?

I can't seem to remember anything. I feel lucky I know how to talk.

How did I end up in the middle of the Pacific?

I guess I could use a ride

I thought you looked familiar. We've met before.

Do you know what a scroll is?

Get your claws off me!

You might want to reconsider your request.

We're gonna die!

I will not let anything harm you.

You win. I'll behave.

I cannot believe you pulled the trigger on me.

Just shut up and land.

I just don't remember! I'm not even sure I want to remember!

I understand your words, I simply do not believe them.

You have been long expected.

This trough is filled with acid. In about ten minutes its going to do a very nasty job on that soil carving, not to mention your rugged good looks.

It's my first real stab at clichéd villainy. How am I doing?

How are you doing this? No machine can hold me!

I should sue you for trademark infringement.

I've always considered myself a trickster at heart.

History cannot be changed.

You will not win!

What are you going to do? Bite my kneecaps off?

I know from experience the transforming power of a child's love.

The future is not written yet.

I have a sunny disposition and I'm always kind to animals

I've always respected you as a fellow inmate

He's a fool, but he may be useful.

I can work with that!

Now, now! That's your friends' genetic make-up you're insulting.

You are master now?

I should've known. But why this subterfuge?

Hey, I live for subterfuge!

I do not want escape, I want vengeance!

There's no such thing as "a little" vengeance.

No catches. No tricks. No strings.

So, things have come full circle.

You know how I feel about you, right?

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter four - mri’s & other modern commodities

delicate masterlist

word count: 1.8k

synopsis: bucky faces his first day of treatment, and discovers some new things along the way: some scary, some awesome, some maybe slightly embarassing.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

[A/N]: not my gif

When he woke up, he scanned his room, making sure everything was the same as how he left it the night before. Making sure no one came in while he was asleep and poisoned his brain. Making sure he was waking up in his living quarters in Wakanda and not a damp cell in some secret Hydra base. It was just something he did now.

Some may call it paranoia, others may call it adaptation. Either way, once he stepped outside and made sure he was alone, he allowed himself to take a breath.

Today was the day, the first day of official treatment. He had no idea what to expect; he was just hoping to high heavens that it would end up working. Freedom. That's all he wanted. Liberation from the chains Hydra had had around him since he fell from the train all those years ago.

He was apprehensive for sure, but he tried his best to keep himself optimistic. Bucky was sure that Shuri was smarter than any Hydra scientist he once came in contact with. So, if they can tear apart his mind, perhaps she can put it back together. Right?

Her in addition to (Y/N). That psychologist woman. He had spoken to her the day before at the lake. She was funny, and she seemed decently easy to talk to. That's a good sign, he guessed. She told him that she hadn't minded relocating to assist in his treatment, but he honestly couldn't make out her true feelings. She was rather hard to read. Perhaps it was a psychologist thing; he tried not to look too far into it.

He waited outside his door until two Wakandans came to escort him to Shuri. Bucky noticed they were armed. Guards. He wasn't surprised nor did he blame them. However, that didn't make it any easier to trust. He hadn't had that luxuy in a very long time. The former assassin fought against the voice in the back of his head telling him to analyze their every move in order to ensure that he wasn't in any danger. That any minute they weren't going to strap him down and rip his brain apart the way it had been so many times before. So many times. He gave the slightest wince at the thought. His brain suddenly felt prickly, painful memories creeping up on him.

Not now, don't think about it.

Sometimes, if he fixated on the thoughts for too long, he would drive himself to this panicked state of fear and constriction. He wasn't sure exactly what this thing was. All he knew was that these things - these episodes - were extremely unpleasant, and utterly unnecessary at the moment.

He shook his head (somehow hoping that this would rid him of the prickly memories like a dog shaking off water), strands of long brown hair swaying quickly in front of his eyes, and fixed his gaze to the floor.

Floor. Floor. Floor. Floor. Just the floor. The floor. The floor. The floor-

"Sergeant Barnes!" Shuri welcomed him happily.

Oh. He was in the lab now. He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. Let's do this.

"Good morning," he smiled, "and just Bucky's okay."

"Of course, of course. This is my lab! Best place in Wakanda in my humble opinion. Today's only the first day of treatment, so nothing too intensive. But, we will be working all the same!"

He glanced around the lab. The guards were at the doorway and they didn't look like they were leaving anytime soon. Again, he wasn't surprised. Moreover, sitting at a table a few feet from Shuri, was a familiar face. This familiar face soon met his gaze.

"Hi, Bucky" (Y/N) greeted, offering a polite smile. "See! I remembered this time."

Bucky grinned. "Are you still (Y/N), or is it Dr. (Y/L/N) since we're in the lab now?"

"I'm always (Y/N)."

"I don't know, if I went to school for as long as you did, I'd make everyone call me Doctor," Shuri added.

(Y/N) laughed. "Well, if you want to call me Doctor you're more than welcome, Shuri."

"That's the spirit, Doc," she declared before turning to Bucky. "Now, follow me and we'll get a quick MRI done."

"A what?" He quickly caught up to Shuri who already started walking away.

"An MRI. It stands for magnetic resonance imaging. Basically, scanners use strong magnetic fields, magnetic field gradients, and radio waves to generate images of the organs in the body."*

Yes, very basic.

(Y/N) leaned over to Bucky, explaining softly, "It's used to form pictures of the anatomy and the physiological processes of the body."**

"Oh."

"You just lay down and it scans you. Y'don't even feel anything."

"Thats... not too bad, I guess."

"It's a bit of a tight fit though, so I hope you're aren't claustrophobic."

Bucky rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, after cryo, I doubt tight spaces will be too much of a bother for me."

"Right," said (Y/N), "but it's still decently in your personal space. Just so you know - so there's no surprises."

He nodded. They didn't say anything until Shuri stopped short in front of them. She stood a couple feet from a shiny metal table which was lined up in front of an equally shiny and metallic semi-cricle arch. It was long enough to fit - well, would you look at that - a body.

"Oh. I guess there is a surprise," (Y/N) blurted, turning to Shuri, confused. "That isn't like any MRI machine I've ever seen."

"That's because you're in Wakanda," Shuri flashed a proud smile. "Tech's a bit... advanced here."

(Y/N) turned to Bucky. He thought he saw something resembling self consciousness flow across her features, but he wasn't sure.

"Sorry, I guess I was wrong. But, honestly this is way better than a typical MRI set up. It's much more open... and wide. Regularly, it would be like a super narrow tube with hardly any space inside. This way, you'll even be able to see us and the rest of the room."

That's good. More space. More freedom. And he'll be able to see her- them, see them.

Shuri clapped. "Alright! Shall we get started then?"

He had no idea how any of this worked; he was way out of his element here. He just barely learned what a damn MRI was, and had to hide his shock when he found out. Medicine has changed dramatically since 1945. Although it is helpful, he is completely clueless. Great.

"Do I jus-just lay on the table?" He asked, unsure.

"Yep! Just lie there and be absolutely still, and I'll do the rest," Shuri replied, reassuringly as she walked around to a control panel next to the machine, preparing to start.

Bucky took his place on the thin metal table, and he thought he was seeing things. Was it was levitating? Honestly, from what he's seen so far he wouldn't even be surprised. He stared up at the ceiling, getting lost in thought. A string of various questions and uncertainties fluttered through his battered mind.

Would the metal arm interfere with the magnet- oh. Right. No arm. Just a scan, no need to worry. (Y/N) said it would be fine. Can I even trust her Then again, can I even trust anyone yet? She's the best I got right now. Damn it, I wish I wasn't so wary of everyone.

"Hey," a gentle voice pulled him out.

He looked over to the left of him, the side with no arm. (Y/N).

"I can practically hear your brain whirring around right now - which is justified - but do you need anything?"

'Do you need anything?' He hadn't heard that phrase in a while.

He adjusted his body on the table. "I'm alright, just... a bit out of my element here."

She nodded, knowingly. "Honestly, me too. This lab looks like somethin' out of a sci-fi movie for me, so I can't imagine what it must feel like to you."

She was looking down at him. He felt vulnerable, exposed. It seemed like she noticed.

"Here, I have an idea."

With that, she turned and grabbed something from a nearby table. Rotating around to face him again, she displayed what she had taken: a pair of headphones... but without a wire? What the hell?

"Are they broken?" he asked, feeling perpetually confused.

"No, they're wirelessly connected to my phone. It's called bluetooth."

The look on his face was almost laughable.

"Bluetooth? What kind of name is Bluetooth?"

"The kind of name that I didn't invent nor should I be blamed for," she chuckled. "Do you want to listen to music while you're in there? It might help to keep you down on Earth with us."

Music. The thought was almost surreal. He hadn't been privileged with such a pleasure in longer than he'd care to admit. It actually seemed... nice.

"Y-yeah," he said, pondering. "That'd actually be nice."

"Awesome."

She leaned over him to put the headphones on his ears, causing him a very conflicting series of emotions.

First of all, close. She was very close to his face. His face, his eyes, his nose, his lips. It almost seemed a tad bit intimate. And then he realized he hadn't been this close to a woman in forever. A real woman, not some fellow assassin he had to take out. He hoped the shy embarrassment he felt didn't show on his cheeks.

Second of all, she was wrapping something around his head, his brain. He tried not to, but he couldn't stop the muscle memory of what he'd been conditioned to feel. Hydra's machine would wrap around his head and rip his psyche apart. His mind expected pain, the worst pain, the dehumanizing, out of body, mind splitting pain. He hoped the way he flinched ever so slightly didn't offend (Y/N).

She didn't seem offended, and her voice was soft. "You're good. Just music and a scan. Then you're done."

He looked up at her face, reassuring and calm. He took a deep breath.

"Good?" she asked.

He nodded. "Think so."

"If it's too much at any point just let us know, and we'll pull you right out. It's your comfort level, your choice."

His choice. Choice. Control. The prospect gave him comfort.

She gave him one last look before stepping away and signaling Shuri to start the machine. The seemingly levitating table began a smooth descent into the machine when the music started playing. It almost startled him, but he then he was pleasantly surprised by what he heard.

There were loud drums, guitar riffs with attitude, and voices that had so much emotion they were almost screaming. It was like no music he had ever heard before, and he loved it. In fact, he was so into it that he didn't even notice when the MRI had finished. That is, until he felt a feather light hand on his shoulder. His eyes opened, and (Y/N) had the biggest grin on her face. While taking the headphones off of him, she looked very pleased with herself.

She looked at Shuri but declared to no one in particular, "Bucky likes Rock and Roll!"

- - -

* = from wikipedia

** = from wikipedia

[youngbugandtonystank]

1 of 9/ Hello, I don't even have a Tumblr (I just lurk on tags) but what you said about Tom Holland really resonated with me. I myself was introduced to Spider-Man, like most people, with the Tobey movies and I've consumed every piece of media from Spider-Man ever since (and yes, I've read almost every single Spider-Man comic there is.), but Tom's portrayal of Spider-Man really stood out to me. I love what was done with the character and I was so relieved when they didn't do Spider-Man's origin

2 of 9/ because I've seen/read it enough. Would it be nice to hear more mentions about Uncle Ben? Of course! But it's clear that Tom's Peter has come to terms with his death, and it seems like the Spider-Man fandom needs to do this as well.I think it's funny how you mention about people complaining about Tom not being Tobey because I swear the vast majority of all the complaints against him are from Tobey fans. I've seen them complain when Andrew Garfield was Spider-Man, in Tom interviews,

3 of 9/ clips from the movies, and I even saw some of them whining when Brian Intihar (creative director) of the Spider-Man video game said Tom was his favorite Spider-Man. Now this isn't all of Tobey fans cause there's some great ones out there that are not like that, but it seems like a lot of the complaints come from them just because Tom and Andrew aren't Tobey. Also those people who complain about Spider-Man and Tony's father-son relationship that it's unrealistic are essentially

4 of 9/ telling me that they've never read the comics. I'll explain; in the comics pre-Civil War, Peter and Tony had a father-son relationship until Civil War happened. Peter was on Tony's side during Civil War, but started to feel a bit unsure. Once he saw the prison where Tony was keeping people he switched sides because of how horrible it was. And at that point, their father-son relationship ended (they're friendly with each other now but that's it). Here's a quote from Peter from

5 of 9/Amazing Spider-Man Issue #544, "I trusted you! I let you get close to me... you were like a father to me!" And there's another quote from Amazing Spider-Man Issue #641 that mentions Tony and Peter's father-son relationship again. Doctor Strange says to Tony, "You once cared deeply about Peter. You saw something in him. You believed in him when no one else did- until he stopped believing in you."(I'll post the rest when my ask limit expires.)

6 of 9/So, yes, a part that people complain a lot about is something that is canon within the comics. Also the point of Spider-Man being in the MCU is to be able to play in the sandbox with other Marvel characters so it's not surprising that they decided to make Tony, Peter's new father figure since it allows for Spider-Man to have a deeper connection in the MCU since Iron Man is kinda the face of the MCU. Now the other complaint is Spider-Man being another Iron Man, which once again tells  

7 of 9/me they didn't pay attention to the movies. In FFH the symbolism of Peter's Stark suit getting destroyed and him making a new one, shows that Peter is shedding himself of Tony's legacy and that Peter has fully become Spider-Man. There's even a quote from Rachel O'Connor (executive producer) from the 'Suit Up' bonus feature in the FFH Blu-Ray that states this about Peter making the suit.

8 of 9/ "That is really important on a thematic level and symbolizes Peter's evolution as a character and his coming to the point where he is willing to step up. The suits that Tony has made for him rely a lot on technology, which is sort of Tony's superpower. Peter doesn't need it because he's Spider-Man. Part of making the suit in Tony's workshop is to step up but on his own terms. Not to try to be Iron Man, but to be Spider-Man." I'd give more examples, but you already did a great enough job.

9 of 9/ As a long time Spider-Man fan I'm just sick and tired of all this hate being thrown about. Love whatever Spider-Man you love, but don't attack other people's love for their Spider-Man just because it's not the one you like. Anyways that's enough rambling from me. Just wanted to say that I loved your post and wanted to add some more proof to your points.

Thank you. 

All of this is very important and valid. I'm glad you're adding your point of view and I'm grateful for it. We need more fans like you.

[valkerymillenia]

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 7

More thoughts and live blogged reactions.

1982. I'm assuming Five used a briefcase... But in s1 we saw that the briefcase travels are tracked (Hazel and Cha-Cha got reprimanded for Klaus's Vietnam trip) so I'm not sure how the board doesn't know someone is coming... I might be overthinking.

Five being creepy.

Is that a Fudge Nutter like Handler mentioned in season 1? Oh, it is.

Jesus, Five! Anger management for you, old man.

AAHH! THEY LET FIVE SAY FUCK! Fucking finally! 🤣

How did nobody notice that destruction? 😆

Oh, the axe! Is Five going to go all American psycho? Because I'd love to see that.

HOLY SHIT!

That smile!

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

Is he using tiny time travel bursts like Reggie said? Or a briefcase? Or is he just that fast?

AJ hiding under the table 😆

Pausing to drink water and grin, what a psycho, I love him.

He's definitely using time jumps but they are so controlled that I'm guessing briefcase or Handler little time stopping trick. I'm so proud of my mass murder baby.

... Vending machine? Lady, you have interesting priorities.

CRICKET BAT!

Wait! AJ's human body feels pain? How?

Please make Five swallow the fish like in the comics! Please, please, please, please.

The dancers are just like

I LOVE FIVE! The lengths this little killer will go for his family are unbelievable, nobody should ever doubt his love and devotion for them ever again.

This whole murder scene was incredible and Five's obvious glee made it even better. FEAR HIM!

Jesus, Klaus is so afraid of being possessed that he's afraid to sleep and Ben just mocks him? 😘💋 I get that this is supposed to be a funny 'brothers messing with each other' kind of thing but Klaus feels so unsafe that it makes me uncomfortable. What happened to you, Ben, when did you become so dark? You were the nice one!

Ben just getting closer and closer every time Klaus closes his eyes just gave me Doctor Who flashbacks.

"I hate your face" "I hate all of you" - Don't say that boys! You know you love each other.

Ok, Ben has a point. I'm actually liking this conversation. And I'm liking that Klaus is starting to understand his brother.

Ok, this is such a brother conversation. And Klaus constantly pretending not to know who Jill is 😆

Ground rules... Well, at least it's consensual now. That's something. See? Communication works.

Damn, the tension at the lunch table cut be cut with a knife. I'm scared what Carl is going to do.

Ray and Allison have a lovely relationship but I finally identified the problem, the tension I was feeling between since them a few eps back. It's not about Allison's secrets at all, is about Ray being so obsessed with his crusade that he completely overlooks Allison's feelings, he only pays attention to her when they are on the page about the mission. He sees her powers and his first thought is 'we could use this for the cause', Allison is clearly distressed and sad and even says she doesn't feel well and all he can think about is the damn JFK meeting. He's not a bad person and he's not doing it on purpose but he has a workaholic one-track mind that could easy turn into neglect for Allison. He clearly loves her and I'm rooting for them so much but I know that if asked to choose between Allison and his cause, he'll pick his cause.

So Five is done with the killing. I figured this might weigh on his conscience, it's one thing to kill for a greater good or survival, coldly and detached, it's another thing to slaughter for selfish reasons (even if his selfish reasons are a greater good).

Handler going all mom on him and wiping his face. 😆

"What I did today, I did for my family" -we know, baby, and they better respect you for it. You love then so much.

90 minutes??? Wtf, I knew Handler would try to screw Five over but that's just cruel, she's forcing him to uproot the family without even giving them time to say goodbye and that's even IF he can get to all of them on time.

It's not a name, you idiots. Also, that's Olga, not öga.

Don't harass the poor woman... Oh God, you guys are such morons... Diego, you dramatic little bitch...

"Wrong number. Have a lovely day" 🤣🤣🤣

I love the new dumbass buddy cop dynamic between Diego and Luther. This is the sort of positive brotherly dynamic they always should have had instead of being pitted against each other all their lives.

"you have some blood on you" "a lot of blood, actually. Five, what did you do?" -the casual, mildly annoyed way they ask is hilarious, if they knew what he did they'd be horrified (and possibly impressed).

Handler's militaristic chic dress is fabulous. I personally don't like it very much (or the message it sends) but it's haute couture and incredibly designed. Also, the bleached hair is back!

"any questions?" And then she leaves without listening. Power move 😏

Luther trying to comfort Diego like the dork he is. 🤣

Really though, I feel bad for Diego, and Five is under so much pressure that I don't blame him for snapping.

"I'm shy" -are you, Klaus? Are you really? You keep walking around in underwear in front of dozens of people, you're not shy.

So is Klaus lactose intolerant?

Ok, so far the possession thing is not as bad as some people were claiming. So far.

"stay focused" *giggle* -oh Ben, you dork 😆

Ahah, Ben enjoying all the different sensory stimuli. Adorable. He's just so happy, poor boy.

Dirt angels. SO CUTE ❤️

I know this all supposed to be cute and all but it would also be a perfect moment for Ben for experience Klaus's powers (the constant hauntings) as well as his addiction and the claustrophobic expectations of the cult. It would be an excellent chance to make Ben understand why Klaus is the way he is, seeing as Klaus is making a huge effort (and sacrifice) to do the same for Ben. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening because I think they want to keep this part about Ben.

By end of season 1 Klaus cried that people still didn't take him seriously, his compassion despite all his suffering made him likeable and deep, but this season he's back to being the family joke, I don't like that there's no resolution to that. But let's see where this goes, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Oh God, Carl's talk is freaking me out.

"who I am is not a disease" -very powerful LGBT+ statement considering it's the 60s!!!!

Oh, the blackmail...

Everybody keeps expecting Vanya to explode every time she gets emotional but this scene proves how much control she truly has. Respect!

Oh, finally Claire is mentioned! I've been rather upset that Allison hasn't mentioned her daughter even once this season (does Ray even know he has a stepdaughter?) seeing as most of her arc in season 1 revolved around her love and guilt over Claire.

Luther is right when he says they don't get live formal lives because they are special but Allison is even more right when she says that's not fair. This is why this family needs to stick together and love each other, they are the only ones that can really understand each other's struggles.

"hope" -Luther, you really are such a sweet summer child.

OH! I CAN FINALLY SEE ALLISON'S SCAR! The lighting in this scene makes it really obvious. Finally.

Ben and the strawberry. 🤣

"you're different today. You're dorkier" ah! First time anyone called Ben 'Sassy' Hargreeves dorky.

Oh Ben, you're adorable... Wait, "smell your hair"? What the fuck, Ben? You weirdo.

Holy crap! Jill is really forward, isn't she? Hippies, man.

Ben stuttering! 😆🤣 He died a virgin, didn't he?

It's funny but please tell me he isn't actually considering that in his brother's body...

Wait, did Klaus slap him because he doesn't want to have sex or because he's trying to stop Ben from ruining his own chance by saying too much?

Actually, I'm almost sure it's the second one, Klaus is playing wingman on his own body!

WHAT????

Ok so Ben IS a virgin but "you, me and Keechie"? What the fuck, Klaus? You slept with the fanatical crybaby and your brother's crush????

"Klaus, you're so filthy!" "Yes, you are, daddy." -Ben, this girl is not right for you. Run, boy!

AHAHAHAH ASDFGDDGGHSGSGASFHDBKDIS 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 DIEGO CALLING HIM DADDY!

Wait, AJ can speak without the body/suit/whatever?

Handler is going a little bit fascist dictator, isn't she?

Gotta admit, Handler really is such a mom in her own twisted way.

Ben giggling when he talks to Diego. Cute.

"Luther sniffs Dad's underwear" 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

AWWWWWWWW, BEN AND DIEGO! THE CHILDHOOD HIJINKS! THE HUG!

GOD, THE HUG! ❤️

I need all the siblings hugging Ben now!

"you stay in this body, we need someone responsible behind the wheel" -Diego, I understand what you mean given the situation, but you playing obvious favorites between your brothers when free will and body autonomy are on the line is a little creepy.

"no one is insignificant" -that line is so loaded when used on Vanya.

Oh no, Vanya and Five playing the blame game is so bad... They used to be so close... They are both under so much pressure, this won't end well.

Oh boy, Five looks like he's on the verge of crying and Vanya sees that! I bet that's why she backed down. 😲😢

The Lila and Diego conversation is heartbreaking without even trying...

Is that Elliot? Is Diego burying Elliot because nobody else will? Diego really does have a heart of gold.

Don't drinkit! I'm pretty sure Lila is drugging you.

Yup, there it is.

What is she planning?

Once again, it's all about the movement with Ray.

"I would take my one year with you over a lifetime with anybody else." 😭 Oh Ray ❤️

But I get the feeling this won't end so easily.

There it is, the Swedes just arrived. And the smart assholes went right for Allison's throat.

You don't need the coffee can, Sissy. The Hargreeves are loaded.

Sissy, hurry up.

BEN, YOU ARE SUCH A 90s KID!!! So the Backstreet Boys are Ben's fault, God, I love this dork 🤣

Come on, Allison, you can fight better than this!

Good girl!

Klaus and Ben running and fighting each other at the same time 😆

Holy shit, that is some Exorcist level vomiting!

Poor Klaus, I totally get Ben's side in this (pretty sure he was trying to save Klaus by getting him to Five ASAP) but this whole thing made me mildly uncomfortable. Klaus just keeps sacrificing for everyone and nobody respects his boundaries.

Holy shit, Allison! That is so cruel! I like it though, so ruthless and vicious. 😈

Problem- Allison can't just leave Ray with a white corpse in the house. Especially not in Texas, death penalty and all.

Oh Sissy, you dumbass. You're a sweetheart but also a dumbass.

Ok, Lila is pretty insane. That's for sure.

Five:

"I don't want to hurt you" - well, Vanya warned them.

My baby is getting really good with her powers.

I hope that hit to the head doesn't give Vanya her memory back, that's so cliché and convenient, or would be really bad writing.

SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN. I'm dying to see more!!!!!!

[writerlyhabits]

Omg i never knew that is your ao3 account wtf those Ten fics are my absolute favourite on that platform! Like "a silly game" gives me life!!!! Now that i've found you here, can i request a ten x reader where they are in an established relationship and travelling with donna and she's really happy for them but is still the sassy woman we know and love. Idk i was thinking about 48 and 21 from the number list lol. Also if you could put there some kisses too you would really make my day 💕💕💕

Oh my gosh, I’m so glad you like them!! And I had so much fun writing this!! Now that my roommate is starting to watch Doctor Who she’s been kind of my proofreader all the way through, and I have loved every second of it. It’s nice to get reader input while I’m writing, I’ve never had that before 😅 Anyway, thanks for requesting this, I enjoyed myself! Hope you have a lovely day anon! ♥️

48: “You gotta stop doing that.” “What?” “Saying things that make me wanna kiss you.”

21: “Can you please go be stupid somewhere that’s away from me?”

Donna was beaming. She was following close behind you and the Doctor in a sort of alien bazaar watching how cute the two of you were being. Holding hands, pulling each other this way and that to look at something cool, and stolen glances that didn’t have to be hidden anymore. You and the Doctor had officially been together for a few weeks now, and Donna couldn’t remember a time when she saw the Doctor happier. Right now you were fiddling with some kind of gadget you had found at a stand the Doctor insisted on looking at to satisfy his need to take apart and mess with devices of his own.

“What’re you up to?” The Doctor asked as he walked up behind you.

“Trying to figure this out,” you stated, continuing to rotate the different pieces.

“Oh? How do you know you’re doing it right?”

“Well, it looks like a bunch of Rubix cubes that got stuck together, so I figure it’s probably not too different.” The Doctor chuckled and leaned down, head on your shoulders and arms wrapped around your middle.

“How long have you been at it then?”

“Since we got here … “ you trailed off, deep in concentration. You felt another giggle shake his body. “What? I think I’m doing good!”

“You are, just … here love, let me show you something,” he smiled. He ran his hands up your arms until he took the object from your hands. With a few precise movements, including some that definitely did not apply to a regular Rubix cube, the Doctor had solved the puzzle within a matter of moments.

“Okay, you don’t have to show off,” you rolled your eyes, turning to look at him.

“No no no, keep watching,” he muttered softly. You turned back to the object to find that it had a faint glow coming through the cracks. You watched in awe as it open to reveal a small cavity in the center that held a little wooden piece. The Doctor put the puzzle back in your hands, resting one hand over yours and taking the wood piece in his other.

“This is a Diskoid Hypertracer; it’s used to force children into sitting down and figuring out how to solve the puzzle, and when they do they get the reward inside,” he explained, gesturing to the wooden piece. “It’s supposed to work their intelligence. Parents can put anything they want in the center, and then when they’re done …” The Doctor closed the game, having put the wooden piece back into the center, and you watched as the whole thing gave off a light glow before revealing it had reset itself. “Then the child has a brand new puzzle to solve.”

“Okay, this is so much better than a Rubix cube,” you mumbled, fiddling with the pieces again. This time the Doctor gave a hearty laugh before planting a kiss on your cheek and watching you play with the device for a few more minutes.

“Of course you two are sitting around at a tech store, I swear he’s converted you into a science geek,” Donna mused as she approached the two of you. You giggled, the Doctor rolling his eyes and standing up to examine the rest of the table.

“Nah I just found a Rubix cube,” you explained, showing her the puzzle you were solving. As Donna began moving a few of the pieces, the Doctor gasped in surprise.

“Noooo, I haven’t seen one of these in ages!” The two of you turned to see the Doctor holding up a small, thin device in his hands. You sidled up next to him to take a closer look at it. “It’s a Systematic Hologram Magnification Matrix, it produces these little holograms out of the end that you humans are always so fascinated with,” he finished, beaming. You smiled and wrapped your arms around his middle, looking up at him.

“You gotta stop doing that.”

“What?” He asked, brows furrowed in confusion.

“Saying things that make me wanna kiss you.” Almost instantaneously he donned a smile, humming happily in response. He leaned down to meet your lips in a sweet kiss, allowing himself to get lost in the moment and forget about the device in his hands. He still wasn’t used to getting to kiss you whenever he wanted for no reason at all, and he hoped that he never would.

“Oi, can you please go be stupid somewhere that’s away from me? Honestly, I can’t take you two anywhere,” Donna sassed, bringing the two of you out of your daze. The Doctor did his best to compose himself before he turned back to the gadget he still had in his hands.

“Oh quit your moaning, just let me turn it on.” The Doctor began examining it closer, giving you a good view of it as well. The more he kept looking at it, the more you began to wonder if what you saw was true. “If I can just find the right switch…”

“Doctor-”

“Hold on I think I’ve got it,” he muttered stubbornly, looking at the same part of the device for the third time. You reached around his large hands to gently press down the button on the top. Sure enough, out of the other end came a small tip that was covered in ink. Donna tried her best to contain her laughter, which she didn’t do a great job at.

“It’s just a pen, love,” you muttered sweetly, trying very hard to keep from giggling. The Doctor’s face fell, pushing out his bottom lip out and furrowing his brows. His pouty face did it for you, reducing you to nothing but giggles and Donna already having lost it, which did not make the situation any better for the time lord.

“Well it’s got no business being here; who puts a pen next to a Diskoid Hypertracer?” he grumbled, dropping the pen back onto the table. He laced his fingers with yours and led you back down the street, clearly wanting nothing more to do with the little gadget shop. Having walked the entire market, the Doctor was happy to happen upon his TARDIS again and go somewhere entirely new. Somewhere he wouldn’t mistake a pen for something it wasn’t.

He shrugged off his coat and went directly to his console, contemplating where exactly to go next when he looked over at you and Donna having a small chat back at the front of the TARDIS. Something you had said made Donna laugh, and it brought that beautiful, radiant smile to your cheeks, one that the Doctor was sure could make the sun shine through even the grayest, gloomiest London sky. Donna put a hand on your shoulder before turning to leave the console room. When the Doctor realized you were moving to come his way, he quickly averted his eyes back to the monitor. You approached him slowly, coming to sit on the edge of the TARDIS console beside him.

“Hey there,” you said sweetly after a few moments. The Doctor turned to look at you, causing him to smile softly. He didn’t say anything, instead sliding his hand over slightly so that his fingers overlapped yours. “I’m sorry I laughed at you for the … the pen thing,” you stated, trying not to laugh again. The Doctor gave a light chuckle, and you deemed it safe to add: “It was pretty funny, you know you would have done the same to me.”

“I would not!” The Doctor lied. He knew he absolutely would have, he’d done it countless times before.

“Okay, if that makes you feel better,” you laughed. The Doctor stood upright and moved to stand in front of you, situating himself between your legs. With one hand at your waist, he tucked a piece of hair behind your ear and took a moment to pause. He took in every little detail of your face, memorizing every feature and relishing in how you looked at him as if he was the one who put the stars in the sky.

The Doctor leaned down to press his lips against yours, feeling your hands move up his chest to sit around his neck, smiling to himself when you started to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. His two hearts started beating faster as your soft lips moved against his so fluidly, making the sweetest little sounds as he kissed you like he’d wanted to all day.

“How long, do you think, until Donna walks in and tells us off?” he asked as you paused for air, punctuating his question with chaste kisses on the corner of your mouth. You giggled almost mischievously.

“I told her not too.” The Doctor stopped his affection and moved back to look at you properly, an eyebrow raised in confusion. “I may have asked her for some time alone so that I could put an end to your pouting,” you said with a playful smirk.

“I haven’t been pouty since we came back into the TARDIS, I don’t know what you’re on about,” he defended.

“Right, okay, but Donna’s gonna stay out of the way until I give her the all clear.” You brought one hand down and started toying with the tie around his neck. The Doctor swallowed, his eyes following your slender fingers.

“Well, in that case, I think I’m still in quite a mood,” he sighed with a tilt of his head. You hummed in satisfaction, gripping his tie and pulling him back down towards you.

[seafoamchild]

may 5

i feel so tired of everything today. i feel like i'm swimming in the ocean and every time i come up for air, another wave just crashes into me and knocks me back under. like last month on my spring break i had so much trouble enjoying my trip because of another stupid fucking UTI and i didn't respond to the antibiotics and then i had to wait til i got home to get different antibiotics and i was in pain for so long.

and the sleep thing, OMG. i am so exhausted and i don't know what to do. my therapist has mentioned sleep hygiene so many times and it's clearly more than that. every time luke sleeps over, i can't sleep. like at all. like maybe i'll doze off for about an hour sometime in the early hours of the morning. but i essentially don't sleep. i've tried smoking indica, taking CBD, eating delta-8 gummies, taking time to wind down, no screens before bed, i've even tried taking trazodone twice now and it didn't do anything. i took two trazodone last night and it made my body incredibly tired but my mind wouldn't turn off and i think there was maybe an hour, maybe not even, where i dozed off a little bit and had hyper-realistic, disturbing dreams. i'm so frustrated and i feel so helpless. like i want my boyfriend to stay over like a normal relationship and i want it to feel nice. all i want is to wake up next to him feeling rested. but instead every time he sleeps over i just feel like a fucking zombie the next day and it's dreadful. i just don't know what to do, i don't know what to do! it's awful and it's really getting me down and i feel like ive just tried everything!!! and it's not just him. when i visited matthias in january we shared a bed and i didn't sleep for like four days.

and then on monday out of nowhere my hip just started killing me while i was at work. like i was limping. it felt like a pinched nerve or something. i could barely walk the next day. i went to acupuncture and he found so many knots in my lower back. it was so painful to lay there and feel how much my back hurt. like now i can't run until this pain starts going away. i can't believe how many times i've been to the doctor this year. all the therapy and psychiatry and UTIs and back pain - i feel so tired. i just want to feel well again. mentally i've been having such a hard time. i feel depressed, i feel no motivation to do anything. i don't know. i think i'm just sleep deprived and burnt out. i tried to do too much this semester and i burnt myself out. i want to feel energized and excited again.

that's not to say i never feel happy. i do, when i'm with friends or when i'm with luke. yesterday was my birthday and i woke up to sunshine after what felt like an eternity of grey days! luke came over with a picnic basket and a bouquet of daffodils that he picked himself. we took acid and went to the park, where we walked along the lake and had a picnic in the sun. it was so fun. we looked at flowers and birds and just played outside. then we went to the basilica and looked around at the stained glass windows and all the religious art, and then we went to the domes and looked at more plants together. it was so cute and fun. and then i had some friends over for drinks and snacks and it was very cute and the best part was when we were all sitting outside on my balcony and we saw a great horned owl land in a tree! it was silhouetted against the sunset! it truly felt like a sign- i've been wanting to see an owl for sooooooo long. and there it was! i got a sunny day and an owl!

then later that night me and luke were sleepily talking about our relationship before bed. he said i've made it so easy and fun and that the whole relationship has felt like being in a lazy river - just easy and simple. it's funny he feels that way. because for me it's been so much more stressful. my anxiety is seriously so bad. just wondering if he really likes me and feeling needy for asking for more reassurance and support and feeling rejection if he doesn't text me enough or if he doesn't wanna hang out after we've already hung out like three days in a row. like i feel crazy and irrational and i still don't know how to differentiate between things that are normal to feel upset over and what things are just me overreacting with anxiety. the uncertainty was so bad. i feel better now that he tells me he loves me and is way more affectionate. i knew it would take him a while. i think it really is my anxious attachment that has me falling in love so quickly and bending over backwards to make the relationship work and to make the other person love me. and i feel so insecure until the other person feels as intensely as i do. and then i still worry that they're going to leave me one day.

dude i am exhausted. i really am. i need some kind of fresh start.

[tobyjamessharp]

I just recently had a friend come out as trans, and I myself am gay, so LGBT rights are very important to me, but it's been kind of, idk, hard, seeing them as a different person. I've known them for so long, and it's hard to see them as a different gender. I keep slipping and calling them by their birth name, and I feel so bad, but they are very understanding and I support them so much like it's not even funny. I know as they continue their transition it'll get easier (pt 1)

I’m gonna readmore my response cause I might ramble a bit!!

First off, let your friend know I’m really proud of them forcoming out! As you know as well, it’s a terrifying experience so getting thatout in the open is a big step that took a lot of courage.

And as far as struggling to see them as another person? Youreally don’t have to if that makes any sense? Your friend is still the sameperson they always have been, in or out of the closet. Now they just get tostart being vocal about something they’ve known for probably a very long time.

Journey of me coming to the realization I was trans was a prettybumpy one tbh. Growing up as a little kid I think I always knew? But my parentsnever pressured me into anything too “girly” and I didn’t really even know whatbeing transgender was so I didn’t talk too much about it. Apparently when I waslittle I got mad at my mom because I had told her I wanted a penis and she waslike “well bud you’re never gonna be able to grow one” like not being mean JUSTBEING FACTUAL RIGHT. AND BABY TOBY GOT REALLY MAD AT MY OWN BODY BECAUSE “WHYCAN’T I GROW ONE”  So in hindsight myparents were like “yeah there were signs as a child” but yeah.

Shit rly started getting not fun around 13-14? So awkwardtween teen time it sucked I hated it. And it was the stupidest way this thoughteven popped into my mind but it’s how it happened and like. You know thosemoments you can remember soooo clearly?? This is one of them like I could walkyou to the exact fucking spot this happened and be like here it is. I was inforever 21 with my siblings and like I hated every piece of clothing supposedlymeant for me and I remember looking over and the mens section and being like. Enviousof all the guys and thinking wow I would look and feel so much more comfortableIf I could dress like them. And then suddenly that thought hit me of “well areyou a boy?”  

And I was like fuck idk. I had never really consciously identifiedwith girls so I was just kinda floating. I kinda brushed that thought off andwas like meh that was just a random thought I probably will never question likethat again.

Let’s fast forward literally 4 years and not a day went bywhere I didn’t spend every waking moment stressing over that question. I wasafraid to say anything to my parents initially cause I thought they’d justbrush me off, but once I had  beenthinking about it for 4 years I figured there had to be some grain of truth tothis question that literally kept me up at night and sobbing in my room cause Ididn’t know. I talked to my parents and initially told them I thought I wasmaybe genderfluid because I was honestly terrified to fully admit I was transgenderbecause from everything I saw in mainstream media and news it was all justabout suffering and sadness and blah blah blah. I thought after “coming out” asnonbinary would make me feel better but my family still called me she/her andno one outside my family knew because I was playing college soccer on the womensteam at my school and I didn’t even want to cross that bridge. Again, thoughtit would get better, but depression was still horrible and I would literallysob in my dorm room nearly every night because I didn’t know what to do. So itwas my 18th bday when I came out as nonbinary to my parents, and itwas my 19th birthday when I had finally admitted to myself and myparents I was transgender and a male. The plan from there was to get me intothe therapy for gender dysphoria and depression because I needed it and I was afucking tERROR to be around because I was mad and depressed and taking it outon people and yiKES. But then also to go back to school and just play pretendagain for a year, finish my sophomore year of college soccer and then leave theteam after season, finish spring semester, and then take a year off totransition. Even with having to go back and pretend again, I felt better withtherapy and with having come out as a male to my family. Obvs rn I’m in theyear off stage of that plan and hopefully will be returning to a college campussoon :0

Transition wise I’ve been on HRT for a while now. I think Ijust passed 7 months earlier this week so that’s great. The HRT I use is acompound cream which works surprisingly well lmao.  I apply it twice a day and it’s really nicecause I don’t have to deal with the big mood swings and highs and lows thatusually come from weekly/monthly injections since those are one big dose atonce and you’re great for a while and then crash. And since at the time ofstarting HRT my depression was rly rly shitty my doctor thought this was a muchhealthier option for my mental health lmao. My voice is waaaay deeper than it everhas been which is great.  I’ve become avery hairy human being everywhere BUT my face which is gARBage (my dadapparently didn’t have to shave until he was 27 so I think I will be the sametha NKS DAD) And then things are growing down below which that’s a little tmibut it’s the truth so. Overall, my transition so far has been pretty smooth.And my mom and I are looking into a top surgeon in my city that apparently isincredible which is a feat in itself because im from texas which yikes.

And then with friends reaction to my coming out? It was alot better than I could’ve hoped. Again, I’m from texas so I didn’t have highhopes for a lot of being to be understanding, but the amount of support andlove I got from people I was sure would drop me like that was incredible.

From my point of view, I don’t think many of my closefriends from high school had a very hard time adjusting with pronouns or me beingtrans at all. Almost all of them just kinda told me like “this makes a lot ofsense, but you’re just you and I love you no matter what.” Also all my theatrefriends laughed because I had always wanted to play guy roles and when I wascast in them they were my best performances so everyone was like WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. College friends were a littledifferent because they’d only known me for 2 years as opposed to since like 6thgrade so people were supportive but I really only talk to one person fromcollege still who she’s like my best friend so yeah.

Honestly the biggest adjustment I think was actually myname? Which I lowkey actually fought my mom and family over changing my namebecause my birth name was a traditionally “boy” name.  Like idc I’ll just say it, my birth name wasCarson, which yes. Sounds like a male name. And that was the issue my parents had? That I already had a boy soundingname so why would I change it? They thought I was just doing it cause everytrans person does which. Inaccurate but ok. Not every trans person is the samebut I digress. What I eventually made them understand is that like yEAH cool itsounds like a boy name to you but mentally for me it is forever equated withbasically 20 years of being thought of and referred to as a girl so hey maybeit makes me uncomfortable to be called that crazy r  I g  ht.  Obvs we worked through that because Iam now working on getting my name changed to Toby, but that was really thebiggest thing people had a hard time with in my experience.

Again, it was hard because it’s basically having to relearn atrained response to something, but you don’t know how happy my best friend fromcollege was when she was able to tell me she was talking about me to herparents and she didn’t even have to think twice about saying toby.

As far as pronouns and birth names go,  I personally accepted that people were goingto mess up. I couldn’t expect people to get it right 100% of the time right offthe bat because it was basically just instinct to say  she/her or use my birth name. I knew they didn’tmean any harm by it and just gently corrected them each time. As long assomeone is making an effort and genuinely doesn’t want to hurt me byaccidentally misgendering me, I have no issues.

Obviously I can’t speak for your friend, but what did annoyme was when people would freak out and apologize over and over after theymessed up. So when people immediately went into a big speech about how they’retrying so hard and it’s so difficult for them and yadah yadah. Which I canunderstand. My therapist has helped me and my family with a lot because she’shelped us realize it isn’t just me transitioning, it’s my entire familytransitioning in their own way with me. One is admittedly much harder than theother lmao but still. It is a change for those around me, but acting like it’ssuch a big burden on other’s shoulders to have to try and change use ofpronouns or names is kinda a kick in the gut to the person transitioning. Bestadvice I have for you on that front is to just keep trying and if you do messup, (which you will. It’s just human nature. My mom still calls me by my birthname on occasion because she just forgets and she has 20 years of instinct workingagainst her) be genuine and apologize, try to be the one to correct yourselfinstead of your friend doing so, and don’t blow it up into a huge thing. Again,I can’t speak for your friend, but I usually just wanted the conversation tocontinue like normal afterwards, not deal with someone giving me 60 differentexcuses about messing up.

I hope this helped somehow?? I rambled  a lot lmAO…

But yeaH!! Please tell ur friend I’m really proud of them,and give them all the support and love you can because it’s one of the bestthings you can give them