#But I don’t dislike him as much anymore! June still does and that won’t change but hey baby steps!

[janamensch]

The enemy of my enemy is someone my sister probably wouldn’t even want me to talk to, but also he’s fighting the same people we’re fighting so he probably can’t be THAT bad, right?

[overdrivels]

TWtaH Notes

I’m finally free. It took three years and nearly 150k words, but I’m finally done. I can’t believe it. 

It started off as a simple idea and a simple premise: a chef!reader who, while knife sharpening, catches Hanzo’s attention. It then evolved into a full-fledged fic with a plot and plot twists. Originally, it was supposed to be around 10 chapters long, but then it grew out of control over the years as I tried to figure out how to end what I started. 

In addition to being a redemption fic, this was also an information dump fic. Since this is the very first slowburn I have ever finished and I have the feeling I won’t have much opportunity to do the same ever again--I don’t think any other fandom would give me the ability to showcase all these tidbits like Overwatch does--I literally threw as much knowledge as I could reasonably incorporate as possible.

About plot changes:

Most of the original plot points survived the writing process, some minor ones didn’t for plot related reasons, so this surprisingly went better than I thought it would. 

There was supposed to be another scene where Chef faced off against Reaper in chapter 20 or so, but upon reassessing Reaper’s character, I decided he wouldn’t do that, especially not against civilians or put himself in harm’s way just to say something to Chef. He wouldn’t even say anything to his family in the comics, what makes anyone think he’d do anything to someone he had even less of a personal relationship with?

There were supposed to be more scenes about Chef’s fencing, but I couldn’t fit it in and it ended up being a one-trick pony plot device. It wasn’t supposed to be that way, but that’s how it turned out. There was supposed to be a scene where Chef fights back against Talon during their infiltration of the Watchpoint.

There were points where Hanzo himself talked his way out of situations and forced me to change the plot. In the kitchen when he first meets Chef face-to-face, he wasn’t supposed to get the chef to forgive him which is the biggest plot deviation I’ve had and it forced me to reconsider large sections of the story. Honestly, I think it’s for the better though because I was really at a loss as to how to progress the original plot under those conditions.

I also wanted to emphasize that when Chef left, there was increased tension between the members. There was little commonality joining them all together except for the fact they all needed to eat. In order for some parties to work, you have to have your support characters, and in that case, it’d be Chef. But I seem to have bumbled through that bit and made it less impactful so if I ever got a chance to rewrite this, I’d probably stress this bit more.

Symmetra was supposed to have a much bigger role in this, somehow she fell to the wayside with that one plot change in the kitchen I mentioned before. On the flipside, Ana and McCree got a way bigger role than expected. 

One of the biggest plot changes was Hanzo hating peppers. Originally he was supposed to hate onions but I thought there was way too much onion in Japanese cuisine to omit them, so I thought of something that would seem more ‘childish’.

To be fair, I also don’t really like peppers all that much either. But I sure as hell love onions.

The proposal with the miso soup at the end, the plot twist where the chefs are the real treasure, and some other minor details have been there since the beginning of the idea’s conception. Things like Reaper trading Overwatch’s life for the tamale, the name of the restaurant, and Hanzo’s fight with Genji only came after the fic was being written. 

Real life:

Covid really took its toll on me since a lot of this fic revolved around food, tasting it, experiencing it, making it, etc. I lost a good portion of my taste and smell, and it’s not back 100% even months later, so a lot of what I begin to describe after a certain point is just based on memory. If a pre-pandemic world, I would have been running around the city, sampling foods and writing down my impressions, but with things as they were, it didn’t pan out that way.

I tried to stuff as many of my favorite foods (and not so favorite foods) here as much as possible. There were a lot of foods I omitted because there’s only so much I could fit in here. A companion compilation fic of the Overwatch characters eating their favorite foods or just eating food in general made by Chef sounds really appealing right now.

May, June, and July made me really want to expand the story and include things in the fic that would turn it ‘problematic’ or at least morally ambiguous. If I did that, this fic would never be finished. 

Characterization and development:

Junkrat and Roadhog are much more docile in this story than I would have headcanoned them simply because food security is life-changing. I really liked the idea of Roadhog using his farming skills and being less homicidal with the right environment. They both know food is sacred. 

Argus 20 is in reference to Argus Panoptes, the all-seeing many eyed giant from greek mythology. The 20 comes from “hindsight is 20-20” (but now 2020 has a very different connotation and I’m thinking it’s pretty fitting). The reason for this is because she oversaw a lot of what was happening especially in the front of house. It’s not mentioned in the story, but she oversaw things like purchasing the restaurant, setting up the dummy accounts, organizing and obfuscating the donations, etc.

In case there was any confusion, ‘Tanuja Deshmukh Singh’ is Asim’s deadname. When he left Overwatch and became Asim Singh, his family disowned him. He was then free to live as himself, but he never discarded his last name because he still wanted to be connected to his family in some vague way no matter how much they disliked or denied his existence.

Head Chef Richard has been in jail. His backstory is basically after firing his staff to protect them from the fall out, he basically told the press he fired them for insubordination and took the fall for the kitchens and got quietly arrested. He was sent to the same prison that Chef would end up at. He’s not a very honest man, I don’t think, but he’s a character who was molded by the story and its needs rather than being a pre-established OC. 

I kind of wanted to write the fic in a way where Argus and Asim weren’t bad guys but people who were forced to make difficult decisions because of the position they were put in by Chef and by Talon. Cause, you know, sometimes you do things to hurt people without realizing it.

I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to push another ship in the background. If you see hints of different pairings here and there, you may be seeing it right because I kept flip-flopping between chapters as to whether I wanted to or not, and if I decided I did, I kept changing the pairings.

Hanzo. Where do I even start with this guy? I had a really tough time trying to stick to one interpretation of his character. I kept reading other fics and going, “Yeah. Yeah! I want that!” But then it just became a huge mish-mash of characterizations until I wasn’t sure who he was anymore. But I clung onto the thought of “he’s the first son of an Asian household dealing with his spoiled brother” to help get me through it. It reminds me of that tweet that goes, “You think you can hurt me? I’m the eldest daughter in an asian family.” It was so relatable. Channeling eldest sibling in asian family vibes. 

Chef. It was so hard. It was so damn hard writing a faceless character for so many words. I can usually do it in a one-shot because I can get away with not mentioning stuff, but in a slowburn?? It’s so difficult. Multiple times I had to stop myself or revise things because there were characters talking about Chef and I didn’t want to make the dialogue unnatural by saying ‘chef’ ‘chef’ over and over again. There were other moments like Soldier carrying Chef out of the Cellar and I was like: “What if the reader is taller than Soldier?!” It was a struggle. The other struggle was characterization. There were so many in-story stressful moments that I wanted Chef to start crying at but the timing of it was so frequent that I had to nix most of them or risk making Chef unrelatable. 

lol i’ve made several pseudo-cameos in the story because I’m shameless. 

Miscellaneous:

Man, my style changed so many times throughout the story. At some point I ended up writing outlines made solely of dialogue and wrote the story around it. It was oddly distressing when I realized my words wouldn’t come out like they used to.  

This fic has seen me through a ridiculous amount of crap. I kind of wished I kept a journal or something because these past three years have been nuts. 

After this, I’ll probably retire from writing Overwatch and then go into my usual writing hibernation that spans about 4 years before I reemerge with an unquenchable thirst for something stupid. 

In my nearly 20 years of writing fanfic, this is the first slowburn I’ve ever completed. To be fair, the last time I even tried was like...over 10 years ago when mediaminer was still a thing and didn’t ban CYOAs.

This was also the longest single fic I’ve ever written. I have wirtten 200k in a year before but never for any single thing.

God, this was hard. I partially did it to prove that you don’t need to use placeholders like ‘Y/N’ and stuff like that and it was possible to write a slowburn with gender neutral stuff, but I had to cheat a bit. But it’s done. 

I’ve worked in the restaurant business for a few years but not as a chef. It wasn’t even high-end either. I wanted to talk about the work conditions because it’s pretty tough in the kitchens and the amount of drugs and vices people turn to and the conditions in which people come to work is nuts. 

I wanted to cover a lot of controversial topics to see if I could but it just didn’t fit in the story. I wanted to tap into things like social justice, racism, prejudices, political landscapes, and so on. Even within Overwatch, I’d imagine there’s a lot of tensions stemming from just basic ideologies. I wanted to see if I could write about both (or more) sides of challenging arguments and still remove the author’s opinions from the story, but I’d imagine that’ll bring its own complications. Last thing I wanted was to start a fight in the comments or something.

I almost made the crew travel to Asia with implications of a changed geo-political sphere from today. Like...the status of Taiwan would’ve been interesting to touch upon, but I didn’t feel like I had the knowledge to expand on it enough.

Almost every waking of my life, I have thought or worked on this fic. During meetings, during conferences, during client calls, while I’m on public transportation, in different countries. I don’t know what to do with myself now.

Anyway, if you have any questions or anything or just want to shout at me, inbox is open.. For now I’m just going to lament over the fact that Genshin Impact gives me motion sickness and I can’t play despite working so hard to roll Mona.

[katefiction]

Cora, Chapter 6: Long Live

by katefiction (Maria) / 2013

March 2164

Ben is pacing the room, his feet burning a hole in the carpet.

‘What if they hate me?’, he asks.

‘They won’t’, I laugh, trying to catch his hand as he walks past the bed.

It was seldom that I saw him nervous.

‘Look’, I say, ‘Dad is bound to grill you, and Mum generally dislikes most people, but they will love you’

My parents were about to meet Ben for the first time. In an unusual response to the ‘crisis’ that was my relationship being exposed, they had joined forces for the first time in years. It was Mum’s idea, I knew. I rarely saw her, and firmly took Dad’s side after the divorce, but Mum had never stopped trying to get me to visit or to be involved in my life. Despite that, we still didn’t have the usual mother-daughter relationship, and I never told her anything that I wouldn’t tell Maggie.

Ben bites the nail on his little finger aggressively, ‘I suppose we should get down there’.

*

We enter the dining room at Dad’s apartment in Clarence House, where lunch is laid out on the table. He was yet to move into Buckingham Palace officially. Mum and Dad are already there, sitting on the top ends of the table and staring in opposite directions to avoid making eye contact with each other.

‘Afternoon’, I say overly cheerfully.

Maybe I’m a little nervous too.

Dad gets up immediately, followed by Mum, and exchanges kisses with me.

‘Your Majesty’, Ben says, giving him a short bow, like I’d taught him.

‘Nice to finally meet you’, Dad says, extending his hand.

I hoped he would’ve said ‘call me Arthur!’, but maybe that was asking for two much after I’d lied to him for six months.  

Mum glides up to Ben, her tall thin frame, and hair scraped into a bun, make her much more intimidating than Dad.

‘Good afternoon Ma’am’, Ben says, taking her hand.

‘Caroline, please’, she says surprising me. ‘Shall we eat?’

As we settle down to lunch, I am taken back with how well Ben gets on with Mum as they discuss the state of British sport. Dad on the other hand, is a different matter.

‘So, are you serious about my daughter?’ he says suddenly as Ben is tucking into a ploughman’s sandwich.

Ben coughs uncontrollably.

‘Dad!’

‘What’, he says holding his hands up, ‘you’ve been sneaking around for months, of course I’m going to ask that’

‘We haven’t been sneaking around’, I say indignantly, ‘we were just keeping it quiet until we we’re ready’

‘Why do you need to keep it quiet from me?!’ he blasts. I know underneath he is just hurt, but I can’t stop myself.

‘Because…because…’

Ben glances over to me, recovered from his choking fit and obviously waiting for an answer just as much as Dad is.

Why was I so reluctant to tell Dad about Ben?

‘I believe Cora’s reasoning was that yourself and the King…the late King, I mean, would want a formal meeting, and Cora believed a meeting like that would get out’, Ben says loyally.

‘Is that right Cora?’

‘Yes’

Dad shifts his gaze back to Ben, ‘and what did you think of this idea?’

It’s a test, and Ben knows it. Agree with me and be in Dad’s bad books, or agree with him and be in mine. I watch the cogs turning in his mind.

‘Honestly Sir, I care about your daughter very much…’

I feel myself turn red.

‘…and I would’ve liked to be more honest about it.’

It feels like the air has been sucked out of the room, with everyone waiting for Dad’s response. Even Mum, usually so unaffected, looks on the edge of her seat.  

Dad nods. That’s all, just a simple nod of approval.

Nice save.

‘There’s not much we can do about it now’, Mum says sharply, ‘no point in arguing’

I agree. I don’t want to argue with Dad about it anymore. He’d been frosty with me since he found out and now, two weeks later, he’d thawed a little.

Things between Ben and I had suffered too. He had seemingly forgiven me after I left his flat on that February day, and we’d even gone to the cinema and dinner in public. But I was still reluctant to do any more than that, and the holiday we’d discussed was still out of the question.

By the end of the lunch, Ben and my parents are making jokes about my stubbornness, which I take as a positive sign.

‘We were playing backgammon, and she just refused to believe she’d lost!’ Ben recalls as Dad and Mum walk us out.

‘I didn’t lose!’ I say, hitting Ben on the chest.

‘You did Cora’, he looks down at me in that way he does when he wants a reaction.

‘Stop trying to wind me up’

‘It doesn’t take much’, he strokes a hand down my back.

I see Mum watching us approvingly and as she kisses me goodbye, she mutters, ‘he’s lovely’.

***

June

Spring is in the air and Buckingham Palace is a wash of business. The staff bustles around the place like bees, speaking in low whispers and hurried tones.

‘Ow!’, I yelp as my seamstress pricks me with another needle.

‘Sorry Ma’am’, she says apologetically.

‘Don’t worry’, I say rubbing my hip where the pin got me.

Standing on a small platform, I try my best to stay still as she makes the final alterations to the dress I will be wearing at my father’s coronation in a couple of days.

Annie and Jenny watch as the seamstress fits the fabric around my waist. It’s the most extravagant dress I’ve ever worn. In gold fabric, with intricate beading all over the front, it cascades to the ground, making me look like a true princess.

‘You look so gorgeous’, Jenny says as if hypnotized by the sparkling beads.

‘Thank you’, I say, rather embarrassed.

‘It’s fucking amazing’, Annie says brashly, prompting a scowl from me.

She pokes her tongue out in retaliation.

‘Can you take a picture and send it to Ben?’ I ask.

Annie points her phone at me and I pose with my hand on my hip.

I want to keep Ben in the loop. What with the coronation preparations and him training for Wimbledon, we were having to catch every moment we could together. It wasn’t easy.

‘He says “you look beautiful”, urgh pass me the sick bucket’, Annie says throwing her phone on the couch.

The butterflies in my stomach threaten to escape.

‘You’re in love’, Jenny purrs as the seamstress leaves the room.

I blush fiercely, ‘shut up Jen, you wanted me to be with Nick, remember?!’

‘That was last year’

‘You said we were perfect together’, I remind her.

‘Well Nicholas doesn’t put that goonish look on your face, so I change my mind!’

‘Do you love him?’ Annie asks, not bothering with any tact.

I suddenly become very interested in a loose bead on my dress.

‘I think she’s ignoring us’, Jenny says to Annie.

‘I think she’s busy thinking about the dirty summer she’s gonna have with him when all of this is over’, she teases.

‘Stop it!’, I exclaim, giving in to their teasing.

It was true, I was looking forward to this summer. The coronation and Wimbledon would be over and Ben and I were going to celebrate our one year anniversary. We planned to make up for all this lost time, but that didn’t mean the whole world had to know about it.

*

The fitting over, I’m hurried into a rare meeting with Dad. It was the only time he had to spare with me before his big day in a couple of days.

I sit at his desk opposite him, feeling like I’m in a job interview of some sort.

‘Dress fitting go ok?’ he says, rifling through some papers.

‘Good, I’ll scrub up well for you on the day Daddy’, I smile, my mind still half on Ben.

‘Right, we need to talk about what happens next’

‘What happens next?’

Why do I feel like I’m not going to like this?

‘After the coronation Cora, keep up’

‘What’s happening after the coronation?’, I furrow my brow.

We hadn’t really discussed much about my future only that Dad told me to get back to normal.

‘This summer, I will be creating you as the Princess of Wales, you investiture will happen in the autumn sometime, and you will be undertaking a tour of Australia not long after’

The barrage of information hits me all at once.

‘I don’t want that’, I say, unable to think of how to protest. ‘I have plans this summer’, I add dumbly.

‘With Ben I suppose?’, Dad asks, clearly unimpressed.

‘Yes’, I say at almost a whisper.

‘You’ll have plenty of time to spend with him’, he says dismissively.

‘Not with work, and now this I won’t!’

‘You won’t need to worry about work’, he said it so plainly as if that will stop the volcano that’s about to erupt.

‘Daddy, don’t say it…’

‘Your work on the estates will be terminated this summer, I know you enjoy it, but you have bigger responsibilities now’, he looks at me, knowing how I’m going to react.

‘I’ve worked hard for that job! I won’t just give it up now’

‘You have to’, he says less patiently, ‘Princess of Wales is a full time job’

I see all my plans crashing down around me. I’d truly believed I’d have a year at least to enjoy my life before full time duties. Time to spend as a normal twenty-something. Time with Ben.

‘Why are you doing this to me?’, I try to hold back the tears.

‘Cora, I can’t pick up all of your grandfather’s work, and keep up with my own, you need to step up now’, he rubs his temples.

‘I don’t want to’

The room is silent for a split second, until Dad erupts, standing from his chair in anger.

‘AND YOU THINK I DO?! DO YOU THINK I THOUGHT I’D BE KING ALREADY!? I HAD PLANS TOO CORA, TEN YEARS OF THEM, ALL DASHED IN A DAY’

He begins to breathe heavily, clearly out of breath.

‘Im sor-’, I begin to say.

‘You need to grow up, you are not a child’, he points his shaking hand at me. ‘You want to gallivant around the world with this man, and you have no consideration of what your actions mean for the rest of the family’

‘Dadd-’

‘It’s time you put this family first, instead of yourself for once’

‘I’m sorry’, I manage to get the words out this time.

Dad softens at the sight of me becoming tearful. He walks around the table and sits on the edge.

‘It has been hard for all of us’, he says, calmer now, ‘I know you didn’t expect to be in this position at twenty-six, but it’s your duty’

I nod weakly. I wish it wasn’t.

‘Every time there is a new monarch, the Republicans’ cause gains support’, he explains. ‘Granddad was very popular, I need to make sure that I am taken seriously as King, and part of that is my daughter being taken seriously too’

He takes my face in his hand. I know he is trying to tell me that I need my reputation to be of a hard working princess, not a tabloid queen.

‘I don’t want to give Ben up’, I say, honest with him for the first time about my relationship.

‘You don’t have to sweetheart, just understand what kind of attention you are getting by being with him’

Dad had been there for me through everything. Despite the plentiful lectures over the years, he’d never given up on me. I couldn’t let him down now.

‘OK’, I say.

This summer will have to wait.

*

Coronation Day

Ben had been understanding about the situation. Disappointed, of course, but understanding. We hadn’t had a chance to meet after he’d got through to the Wimbledon final, which was to take place two days after the coronation, but we planned to meet that Sunday.

I chat to him over the phone as my dresser fixes the tiara to my head. It seems slightly ridiculous to be holding a mobile phone while dressed in this elaborate gown and tiara.

‘Are you nervous?’, he asks.

‘Terrified’, I admit.

‘You’ll be fine’

‘I hope so, I’ll just have to think about seeing you on Sunday to make me feel better, though that seems ages away right now’

‘Maybe next time I’ll get an invite’, he teases.

Next time you might be there with me.

‘Maybe, if you behave’

‘I can’t promise anything’

Maggie pops her head around the door, a sign that we need to get going.

‘Look, I’ve got to go; I’ll call you later if I get the chance’

‘Alright, good luck…oh and Cora’

‘Yes?’

‘Don’t trip’.

*

The glory of the coronation of King Arthur is all you would expect it to be. In contrast to the darkness of the funeral, London is practically glowing in red, white, blue and gold. Flags and plastic crowns bob up and down in the sea of people.

The King’s guards line the street and trumpeters signal the grandeur of the occasion as our family arrives at Westminster Abbey.

I step out of my carriage to a wall of flashing lights. My dress is so heavy that it forces me to walk slowly and in time with the music. I keep my eyes focussed to the front. Don’t trip. Don’t trip.

My mantra does its job and I am seated up on the balcony with my grandmother and cousins as Dad takes centre stage. The huge robe engulfs him as he is walked towards the Coronation Chair, the cheers of thousands of people echoing through the abbey.

Down amongst the eight thousand guests packed inside the abbey, I see Nicholas, Jonathan and their parents seated in the middle of a section to the left of Dad. Nicholas is looking up at me. He catches my eye and I give him a little smile and nod in return. Also in the abbey is Mum. She stares straight ahead with a blank expression on her face and I wonder if she is thinking about what this moment would be like if she was still the Princess of Wales.

After three hours of prayers, hymns and pageantry, Dad is finally crowned. The Imperial State Crown is placed on his head, and he is handed the golden orb and sceptre. The traditional image of the crowned monarch is complete.

London is happier than I have ever seen as we process back to the palace and my arm begins to ache from the constant waving. It’s the least I can do for people who have slept on the streets overnight for this. I can’t help but think about my wedding one day. Will the country be as happy then? As much as I hate the thought of saying my vows in front of millions of people, I begin to realise how much it means to share it. As for Dad, he needn’t have worried, the people love him.

*

‘Did the crown nearly break your neck?’ I whisper to him as we tuck into the feast that evening.

Dad chuckles, ‘I thought it might not fit on my fat head’

I giggle under my breath. When I was younger, Dad always used to make me laugh on these big occasions to take the pressure off. Now I was doing the same for him.

‘Did they use washing up liquid to get it off?’ I tease.

‘Ye-’, he stops mid-sentence to greet the Ambassador of Japan.

Turning back to me, he says ‘I’m sorry none of your friends could be invited’

Sometimes Dad still thought I was a six year old that couldn’t sit still for an hour.

‘It’s fine Dad…and besides Nicholas is here if I need a break for ten minutes’

‘Ah yes, Nicholas’, he says cheekily.

‘What does that mean?’

‘Don’t think I can’t see him looking at you…he’s a nice boy…’, he whispers.

‘And I’m with Ben’, I mutter back.

Our conversation is interrupted by Maggie, who slips in subtly by my side, ‘Ma’am, may I borrow you’

I look to Dad for approval.

‘Go, go, but don’t be too long’

I scurry out of the room with her and travel along the long passages of the palace until we’re out of earshot.

‘What’s the problem?’, I ask.

‘No problem Ma’am’

She is looking particularly glamorous today, dolled up in a designer dress, but still holding a walkie talkie in her clutch.

‘This way…’, we round a corner, ending up in a dark, secluded area of the palace.

At the bottom a set of grand stairs stands Ben.

‘What are you doing here?!’, I squeal.

‘Shhh’, Ben and Maggie say together.

‘I’ll leave you to it’, Maggie adds.

As soon as she’s gone, I hurtle up to him and he pulls me in.

‘I thought I’d see how you’re doing’, he smiles.

‘But how did you get in’, I say, practically crushing his body with mine.

‘Connections’, he winks.

At this point, I don’t particularly care how he got here. I push my lips against his and he responds immediately, kissing me fiercely and making my knees wobble.

‘You look incredible’, he holds me by the waist and surveys me in my dress.

‘I look ridiculous’, I say.

‘Stop talking shit’, he buries his head in my neck and runs his hands down my back.

I swear if we were alone…

‘I’m so glad I don’t have to wait until Sunday to see you’

‘Don’t talk about Sunday’, he grumbles.

‘You’ll be amazing, I know it’, I say, running my fingers through his hair.

‘At least you’ll be there as my lucky charm’, he sighs.

‘From home I will…’

He backs away, ‘what do you mean? You are going to be on court aren’t you?’

I laugh uncertainly, ‘The royal box is fully booked, I’m sure’

‘You wouldn’t be in there; I’ve got a space for you in my player’s box’

I suddenly feel very hot. I had met Ben’s parents and had gotten on with them swimmingly, but this was practically a declaration of our relationship to the world.

‘Ben, you didn’t even ask me’, I try to say it softly.

‘I didn’t think I had to, how many times have we talked about me making the final and you being there?’

‘Things have changed, we need to keep a low profile’, I plead.

‘So you won’t even come and stay in the back out of sight?’, he pulls completely away from me.

‘I can’t, if anyone saw me…’, I try to hold his hand but he snatches it away.

‘This is fucking ridiculous, everyone knows anyway’, he growls.

‘We agreed that we’d see each other after the match’

He is being ridiculous.

‘Yes, after the match which you were supposed to be at’, he is struggling to keep his voice down. ‘Sometimes I wonder if you’re even serious about this’

‘Of course I am!’

‘So it’s ok for me to come here and support you, but you can’t do the same?’

‘I want to be there, please try and understand…’

‘I have tried. For months. I let it go when you ran out of the flat, I’ve let our holiday go, and now this’. He turns away from me. ‘How long is it going to be like this? Another year, two years?’

‘I don’t know’, my voice begins to shake.

His tone lowers once more, ‘if you’re not in a place where you’re happy to admit we’re together, then maybe we should stop this now’

‘It’s not easy for me! These things are complicated’

‘I’m not asking you to marry me Cora…I’m asking you acknowledge me!’

‘I do!’

‘Then come to the match’

We stand opposite each other like we’re in a stand-off. The silence is deafening.

Eventually, I have to speak, ‘I can’t, you know I can’t. Please don’t ask me to go against what my family needs right now’

‘You mean you won’t’

My anger starts to rise. If only he realised how much I really care for him.

‘Please don’t do this’. A chill in the air seems to tell me what’s coming.

‘I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want half a girlfriend. I should be preparing for the match right now, Rob would have my bollocks if he knew I was here, but I wanted to be – for you’

Tell him Cora, just tell him.

My anger takes over. ‘And I want to be there for you, stop making out like I don’t!’

Ben shakes his head, ‘I’ve tried to understand Cora, but I can’t. Keeping it to ourselves is one thing, denying my existence is another’

‘I just want to protect you, to protect us’

‘I don’t need protecting. I was willing to work around your life. But since your Granddad died, it’s like you want to push your life with me and your real life further apart. I want all of you Cora, but you don’t want to give it to me’

‘Don’t go’, I say pathetically.

‘Why not?’

The words don’t come out, they are lodged in my throat. 

He’s right. Things haven’t been the same.

He turns around and walks towards a back door without saying another word.

‘Because I love you’, I say as the door shuts behind him.

[aziraphaleandcrowley]

Tldr: me word vomiting lots of random emotions and thoughts I’ve been having about my life. Would put under a read more but tumblr mobile is shite. Ignore if you wanna, I just needed to throw this into the world cos I’ve been so socially distant from everyone in my life that I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, and I’m not sure I would’ve even if I actually replied to my friends more than once in a blue moon

...............................................................

Me: honestly convinced I’m never gonna find romantic love cos I’m ace and probably aro - at the very least I’ve never been attracted to/interested in someone enough to want to date them and the whole being sexually attracted to someone and looking a people and wanting to have sex with them sounds fake and doesn’t resonate with me at all.

Me: is theoretically a very sex favourable and positive person but the idea of sex with someone I’m not dating is just so weird to me but damn do I wish there was someone who knew me and my likes and dislikes to be intimate with

Me: is super duper disappointed to not experience love/sex but is simultaneously doing literally zero to create opportunities cos I just don’t speak to anyone outside of my family and colleagues, and the one single guy I had any interest in at work is gay and has left.

Me: reads fanfic constantly and I’m now wondering whether it is beneficial in distracting me from my loneliness or enhancing it. I think both. I think I need a break from fanfic at the very least but honestly don’t know what I’d do without it cos it’s been my go to hobby for so many years and I legit read for 30+ hours a week and that’s soo much time to fill???

Me: really doesn’t want to have kids in the future cos I don’t understand kids in the slightest and pregnancy is terrifying and I still feel like a child myself and I know this is something which may change in the future but I don’t think so and my mum bringing up wanting grandkids on a near weekly basis recently is kinda starting to put me on edge cos I’m already starting to feel like a disappointment cos I’m an only child and I’m the only opportunity for grandkids - which I know is ridiculous but it how I feel and that’s valid

Me: with my grandad in hospital (he’s gonna be fine, he would be out of hospital if he actually did what the doctors and nurses said about doing exercises etc) it has made me think about the family I do have which is: my mum, my dad, my grandad and my uncle. That’s it. I have two other uncles and several cousins etc who I see maybe once a year but they don’t really count.

Me: has a handful of really amazing friends who I haven’t spoken to in months and I don’t even really know why. They’ve all messaged me and I just havent replied. I’m not trying to actively push them away like I did with a friend in the past who I just felt drained with in the end whenever we interacted, but honestly every time I get a message I just feel exhausted at the prospect of ongoing social interaction. And it’s silly cos I know exactly the kind of thing I could message people about to start a conversation, like I could talk to Emily about finally watching Hamilton and how it’s been two weeks and I’m still listening to song on repeat and how she was right about how good it is and yet it’s been a week and a half since I’ve thought about sending that message and yet I haven’t and just uggghhhh @me

Me: is horrified by the idea of being alone for life romantically, and knowing that between my ever dwindling family and me not talking to my friends that being alone if more likely that I ever want to think about

Me: wants to live a happy life of my own but don’t know how to. I want to move out but can’t afford to on my own and it’s super impractical when I can live with my parents for £20 per week for food. But god forbid if anything happens to one of my parents I’m gonna be stuck at home forever cos I have so little family and my parents have literally no one else to turn to.

Me: wants to do a masters in gender and sexuality studies writing about representations of asexuality on screen but I know I could write and entire book which would be great for phd level but I missed the deadline to apply cos June was crazy and all I’ve been doing recently is working 6 days a week then working on my car for a day before working another 6 days. And even if I did a masters and maybe eventually a phd I have no idea what I’d actually do with it? I have so little ambition for anything right now and the future is just a void of mystery in which I don’t even know what I want???

Me: is starting to think I might actually be kinda depressed. I’ve thought it on and off for longer than I’ll ever admit but I’d do quizzes online and they’d say I wasn’t so I didn’t really think too much more about it (and yes I know an online quiz is shit and means nothing but there’s no one I would want to talk to about it cos I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me and shit but yeah). I know I’m not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal depressed. All I know is I’m uninspired and I feel kinda empty. Doing stuff I do enjoy, if I actually do it, just makes me feel tired half the time so I end up trying to nap instead but then I don’t sleep great either, waking up in the night or when my dad is getting ready for work so I very rarely get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I’m irritable a lot too...

Me: even if I am depressed what does it matter? Like it does matter ofc, but my mum is on media for depression and it’s taking her weeks to get an appointment with the doctor to try and get a different dosage. I’m not a danger to myself or others, I’m unhappy, but who isn’t with COVID going on and there are people who need mental health services more than me. Which is really hypocritical of me to say cos I’ve told my best friend so many times that trauma and mental health etc aren’t competitions of who has it worse but it’s the truth. Also my mum and colleagues access the only mental health resources in town and I do not want to deal with interactions with people I know whilst trying to improve my mental health.

Me: I don’t know how many times I’ve said it in posts like this but something needs to change. I was set on a good course at the start of the year. I was getting out, socialising, doing new things, inspired to cook, learn to new music and change my lifestyle, and then COVID happened and since all of that has slowly drained away and I need to find a change to revitalise that. I’d hoped getting back to having driving lessons and working on my car would be a start, and to be fair it’s been less than two week since I restarted doing that, so maybe I can find a new spark of inspiration still. Within a couple of months I will pass my driving test. Hopefully it won’t take much longer than that to get my car finished and on the road (hopefully it’ll take two weeks to finish putting the rear end back together so we can finally get my car back on four wheels, then it’s just lots of little jobs which hopefully won’t take too long). The weather is supposed to be decent this week so I might work up the effort to go for a walk down the fields which always seems to relax me a little. And the cinema reopens at the end of the month so I’d finally have an excuse to get out of the house (I know COVID is not over and things should not be going back to normal any time soon, but I need to do something other than go work for 4 hours everyday and spend 90% of my time at home and most of that time in bed because I have nowhere else to go). I don’t know what else I can be hopeful for in the coming weeks but that’s a start and just listing them out here has made me feel a little better so.

I keep thinking about Patrick from Schitt s Creek, leaving his hometown to escape a life which didn’t fit him and finding everything he needed in a tiny town in rural Canada, and wishing I could do the same, but I know I’d just end up even more alone because I am not a social person in the slightest and don’t kno how to be despite knowing that me making changes is the only way to improve myself.

And then a line from Hamilton about death is easy, living is harder, and I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not in any way, shape or form want to die, but living is hard and I have an easy life. I have enough money that I was able to loan my dad the money to buy a car, and still have more savings after that than he does, I have a good that if not particularly well paid I do enjoy and I’m good at, my family live me in their own way, even tho I feel that part of my social distance and reluctantance towards others is because no one in my family is particularly socially inclined.

Maybe I just really need a hug.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore but I just had so much build of of words in my brain that they had to go somewhere and this has turned into my go to word vomit place

Things will get better. I don’t know when or how but they will. But they won’t if I don’t get enough sleep for a starters. So off to bed I go. If you’ve read all this thank you, I guess, for listening cos I’m not sharing this with anyone irl just yet. And I’m sorry this is so long but tumblr mobile doesn’t let me put in a read now but I want this out in the world even tho no one will see it

[sunny1ace]

Fix You- Part 3.1 of the FamAU

Characters: Logan Sanders, Patton Hart

Summary: Logan Sanders fell in love with Patton Hart at precisely 5:37pm on a Thursday evening. 

Words: 3000

Warnings: Self doubt, I think that’s all, let me know if I should add another!

A/N: Here we go folks, time to actually get into the story! This part will have five chapters in total, hope you like it!

Taglist (let me know if I should add you): @espepspes @kaileah-kat @i-need-you-buddy

***

Logan Sanders fell in love with Patton Hart at precisely 5:37pm on a Thursday evening. 

He’d been ranting about nebulas for ten minutes and seventeen seconds when his face started to heat up. He was talking too much, as usual. 

His mouth had snapped shut as he waited for Patton’s sigh of relief that never came. 

“So does that mean new stars are born in graveyards?” Patton asked instead, eyes wide as he propped his head in his hands. 

Logan opened his mouth to launch into another long explanation and then caught himself for the second time. “It takes quite a while to explain. I’m sure there are other things you’d rather do.”

Patton had tilted his head, blinking blankly back at Logan. He didn’t even understand what Logan was getting at. “I like listening to you though.”

“You do?”

Then, Patton had smiled in that way he does, where his eyes crinkle and his cheeks turn pink. “I could listen for hours.”

“I see.”

“Besides, the universe is cool! It connects us all! And it’s comforting to know that no matter where you are, you can always look at the same constellation as the person you love.” 

That was the turning point for Logan, the point where he realized that his brain may only hold enough information to talk for a few days about facts without a break, but he could talk about Patton for the rest of his life and never run out of things to say. 

At precisely 2:48 on a Tuesday morning, nearly two years later, Logan Sanders is still in love with Patton Hart. 

He flops back onto his bed and groans loudly to his empty dorm room, turning his head to the side to look at his previous roommates vacant bed. 

The college senior was a few years older than Logan, always going out to party and coming in late smelling like alcohol and sweat. 

Logan disliked him for the majority of their time living together, but on his last day, the man had shaken Logan’s hand and told him thank you, and that he’d never have made it without Logan helping him study. 

It’s odd how one never really sees their impact on people until they’re told to their face.

Now though, the man he can’t even remember the name of is gone, just like Logan will be soon. 

People are graduating, and graduating means leaving, and leaving means that-

Well, leaving means that Patton might never know what Logan wants to tell him. 

He’d had a plan he wrote the second he got his hands on a notebook after he realized his predicament. 

His ‘Three Hundred and Three Step Plan to Confess to Patton Hart’. 

The thing is, he’s only on step one hundred. It would be impossible to finish before the week is up, and the two friends part ways. 

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t been trying, he just didn’t think it would be so hard. For instance, step thirty in itself took him four weeks to complete, just because Patton’s favorite flower changed almost every day!

That and… he couldn’t even look at the list for almost six months after he made it.

In his excitement and panic, he hadn’t actually taken time to think about what being in love meant.

It had actually been Patton who’d referred him to a therapist. It took them eight months until Logan could say “I’m gay” without going into a panic attack.

Now, he can say it easily, but it doesn’t matter much when he can’t say it to the person he wants to.

“This is ridiculous,” he mutters. 

Sitting up, he slides his glasses back onto his face and lets out an even breath. He has to think logically. 

Except there isn’t anything remotely logical about love. 

At least not that he’s aware of. 

Patton would know.

Logan groans again and drops his head in his hands. He is not asking for love advice from the person he is in love with.

The voice in his head tells him to go to sleep, and he glances at his alarm clock. It’s nearly three am. Logan has spent almost all night up thinking about love, of all things. 

Any other night he would get up to do work, might as well if he can’t sleep, Patton Would hand him a coffee and a bagel in the morning and tell him to stop working so hard, but he unfortunately doesn’t have any work to do. 

Graduation is in a week. 

Now he’s back to where he started. 

“This isn’t healthy,” he says to the empty room. 

Perhaps if he went for a walk it would clear his head?

Debating the dangers of a small town college campus at three am, Logan nods and climbs out of bed. 

He busies himself getting dressed, pulling on a polo and picking out a tie. He used to despise the outfit, even though he never wore anything else. 

It’s what they made him. Gray and uninteresting. 

“I got a little brain design embroidered on it! Now it’s unique and all your style!”

Patton really does know how to make someone comfortable. 

Now, the outfit doesn’t make him hate himself, but it’s still not so over the top to bring up past issues. 

The real question is, how could one not love Patton?

Logan almost trips on his carpet. 

Who could not love Patton?

He isn’t even sure someone else doesn’t! He doesn’t know if Patton is in love with someone else! He’s pretty sure he’s not dating at least, Patton tends to share every minute of his day with Logan. 

If he was dating someone, Logan would know. 

Theoretically. 

For the dozenth time that night, Logan takes a deep breath and tells himself to calm down. He’s just sleep deprived is all. 

Sleep deprivation is clinically proven to mess with one’s functionality and thought process. 

Pulling on his last shoe, Logan opens his door quietly, his keys tucked in his palm. 

There’s a soft ball of fabric that rubs up against his wrist when he holds his keys in such a way. It’s a stimulant comfort, and though he won’t admit it, it holds emotional value as well. 

Patton had bought him the soft keychain on a trip to an observatory with his astronomy class. It was in some rundown gas station that Logan can’t remember the name of. 

The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that most things he has an emotional attachment to has come from Patton. 

The air outside is still and warm, May turning to June with longer days, greener leaves, and the feeling of dread that comes with leaving school. 

Every step on the concrete clicks, breaking the silence in the sleeping campus. 

One step, click, another, click, on and on and on again until Logan has completely lost track of where he’s going. 

He’s just walking as the thoughts whirl in his head, in and out with every steady breath. 

Logan has always meditated best during walks. 

Minutes turn into hours, and he finds himself circling around the entire campus, finally stopping back where he started from. 

Just at that moment, his phone buzzes, sounding the alarm that it’s time to start walking to history. 

The alarm is actually twenty minutes ahead of time, but he’s set it just right to where if he leaves within five minutes, he’ll be able to cross paths with Patton on the others way to animal science. 

Patton usually leaves early to get coffee for his professor, and Logan tags along. 

It’s his favorite fifteen minutes out of every Tuesday. 

So Logan turns again, and with sore feet he hadn’t realized were sore until now, he starts walking. 

He makes it halfway there before a shout sounds behind him and Logan slows but doesn’t stop, keeping up his facade. 

“Hey Logan!” Patton exclaims happily. He steps up to Logan and bumps their hips together, Patton’s equivalent of a nonintrusive hug. “How are you?”

Logan nods and adjusts his glasses. “I am well.”

“You sure? You’re looking a little tired.”

“That would be because I am.” Logan sends a small smile towards his friend. “Not to worry, one bad night of sleep won’t stop me from functioning properly.”

Patton giggles and nods, walking along with Logan. His steps are wide, occasionally veering to one side or speeding up to step over a crack in the sidewalk. 

Logan’s are stiff and long, but he walks just a little slower so Patton can keep up. 

“How are you, Patton?”

Looking up from the ladybug he’d been watching, Patton’s face breaks into a grin. “I’m awesome! On the way here I saw a woodpecker!”

“Considering where we are,” Logan starts as he slows his pace even more to accommodate Patton, “It’s more likely you saw a Northern Flicker. They do look quite alike.”

Patton wiggles his eyebrows. “Do you want to see my impression of a Northern Flicker?”

At Logan’s nod he flicks his fingers out in front of him, grinning at Logan with a glint in his eye. 

“I don’t see how that resembles a bir- oh. Oh because you’re flicking to the North- that’s- that’s completely awful.”

“You love me,” Patton coos, batting his eyelashes. 

More than he knows. 

“Do you have lunch plans today?”

Patton reties his cardigan and shakes his head, “Nope! None.”

“Neither do I.”

There’s a painstaking silence for a few yards and then Logan clears his throat. “Would you like to attend lunch together?”

“Yeah!” Patton clasps his hands behind him as he walks and scrunches his nose to keep his glasses from sliding off. “We’ve been friends long enough that you don’t have to ask anymore, Lo.”

Logan just about falls over. 

Stopping off at the coffee shop, Logan pulls the door open for Patton, then stays behind him as he makes his way through the small shop, smiling and waving at almost everyone inside. 

Logan learned a long time ago to let Patton do almost all of the actual socializing in social situations. His charisma and naturally kind face just makes it easier for him. 

Most people already know Patton, addressing him by name or waving shyly. 

There are basically two options after meeting Patton, like him, or adore him. 

Logan has found the majority pick the latter. 

“Hey Patt!” Calls a young person making their way out the door.

“Eliot! Hey!” Patton waves excitedly. “How’d the English final go?”

“Aced it!”

“Aw kiddo! I knew you could do it!”

Blushing a little at the praise, Eliot snorts. “Getting coffee for Professor Aldridge again?”

“You bet!” Patton responds with an achingly bright smile. 

The student laughs and shakes their head. “Man, if I didn’t know you any better, I’d say you’re a suck up!”

They leave with their friend after that, and Logan leans over to speak in a low voice to Patton. “If they did know you any better, they’d know you are, in fact, a suck up.”

Patton gasps and pushes Logan’s arm lightly. “Am not! I just like doing nice things for people… and if it happens to make some professors more inclined to give me extensions more often… that’s pretty neat!”

“I’m fairly certain that’s the definition of a suck up.”

“Coffee, Lo?”

Logan chuckles. “Buying me something to get out of a conversation? That’s a bribe. Which is a crime in some states.”

“I guess that makes me a criminal,” Patton starts, getting that glint in his eye that always comes with a pun, “criminally-“

“Black coffee if you don’t mind,” Logan interrupts. 

Patton pays for the order with a cheery tone, turning down Logan’s offer to pay for it. “I dragged you here anyway!” He says. 

“On the contrary. You didn’t drag me anywhere.”

Smile softening into something that -well, for lack of proper vocabulary- figuratively makes Logan’s heart melt, Patton nods. “No, I guess I didn’t.”

The two start back on their way to their respective classes, and Logan counts the steps until they have to part ways. 

“Are you nervous about leaving school?” Patton asks after a few seconds of comfortable silence, broken only by Patton blowing on his hot chocolate. 

Logan doesn’t say anything as he takes a sip of his coffee, pretending not to be startled by the heat in his throat, he turns the question over in his head to try and figure it out. Is he nervous about leaving?

Or nervous about leaving Patton?

“I’m nervous,” Patton plows on, not minding Logan’s silence. “After this it’s just us against the world, you know? The future we’ve been preparing for since preschool is finally here and… I’m not ready at all.”

Looking at Patton in surprise, Logan frowns. “You aren’t ready? Are you alright?”

Patton shuffles his feet for a few steps, widening his smile. “Of course I’m alright! Just a little apprehensive is all.”

“Patton..” Logan slows and lightly bumps his hip into his friends, “you can talk to me.”

“I know I can!” Patton wiggles his eyebrows, “What? Have I been speaking gibberish?”

“Ah. Humor to cope. Why am I not surprised.”

“Well aren’t you feisty today!”

“It must be due to the-“

“Like a cat.”

“-lack of sleep last night.”

“Because cats are feisty.”

Logan adjusts his glasses with a sigh. “Yes. I understood, I merely refrained from commenting on the unnecessary joke.”

“Jokes are never unnecessary!” Patton protests, and it’s then Logan realizes he’s successfully changed the subject. 

“If you don’t wish to tell me what’s troubling you, you don’t have to,” Logan says quietly. 

Patton stalls. “It’s not that! I trust you Lo!” He bites his lip and then shrugs. “I’m just in a funk! I’ll be back to normal me any minute!”

“Patton-“

Already turning towards his own class, Patton waves, “I’ll see you at lunch!”

Logan sighs and gives a small wave, “Have a satisfactory day Patton, I’ll see you at lunch.”

“Don’t forget how incredible you are!” Patton calls out, the routine end to all their conversations. 

Routine. 

Constant. 

That’s what Patton is. 

Everything about him is constant, and when one loses their constant…

They tend to fall apart. 

Logan spends his entire class period rewriting his plan to confess to Patton. 

Right now, he’s not exactly making good progress. If he wants to finish before they split ways, he needs to revise it. 

The professor drones on about graduation, the same speech Logan’s heard in every class for the last week. 

A few of the students cry, some hug. 

Considering what kept him up all night, he’s a hypocrite for finding all the emotions icky, but he can’t help it. 

He pulls out a notebook from his bag and flips to a blank page. At the top, in bold letters he writes “Confess To Patton”, under that, he writes “Step One”. His pen stops moving.

“Fuck,” He mouths, surprising himself with the out of character swear word. The thing is, he has no idea how to do this. 

To the side of him, a girl snorts and then nods at him, giving him a look that Logan has come to translate as ‘me too’. 

The girl has been sitting next to him the entire term, and when Logan found out she was deaf, he’d started helping translate what she can’t read off the professors lips. 

Patton says it’s very kind, Logan tells him it’s common decency. 

Smiling tightly at her, he turns back to his thoughts and falls back on the only thing that’s never failed him, Logan pulls out his phone to do some research.

‘How to tell someone you have feelings for them- WikiHow’

It’s not like he has much dignity anyway. He clicks on the article, reading the first few steps.

‘Consider your chances,’ Logan reads silently, then drops his head forward onto the desk, propping his chin on his arms. “Fuck,” he repeats.

The girl snorts again and passes him a chocolate bar with a sympathetic smile. 

Humans are confusing.

Trying to mimic what Patton would do, Logan pockets the candy and signs thank you. 

The girl grins and signs you’re welcome back. 

Pen poised over his paper, Logan treads on, reading every step carefully and critically before switching to another site and reading that one too. Afer a good half lecture of reading, he sets his phone down and starts making a list of his own.

Step One: Find out if he’s interested in anyone else

Step Two: Analyze body language

Step Three: Talk to his friends

Step four: Ask him to lunch

Step Five: Dress nicely

Step six: Convey attraction

As an afterthought he adds: Step Seven: Work damage control

Now he has a list. Logan has always believed starting with a list is the most efficient way to get things done. Now all he has to do is convert it into an hour by hour, day by day schedule for the last week they have until graduation.

That, and actually follow the schedule.

It really can’t be that hard.

Right?

The professor dismisses the class, reminding them that this is the last class of his for this term, or forever if they’re graduating. 

Movement out of the corner of his eye makes Logan look down. The deaf girl writes a quick note on his paper, signs a heart and then picks up her bag to leave. 

“Believe in yourself! You’ll do great! You always do.”

Logan decides he doesn’t mind the clutter on his paper this one time. He goes to sign his thanks, and realizes she’s already gone. 

For some reason, his chest aches knowing he’ll probably never see her again. 

Maybe Patton is rubbing off on him, making every human interaction mean more than they did before college. 

Although, nothing really meant anything before college. 

Packing up his own stuff, Logan sets his jaw, the girls written words running through his mind. 

He can do this.

[m0thyfr0sty-blog]

Ranting From 3:30am to 4:30am

It all started on June 1st, 2018. The last day of school. It was an overcast day, surprisingly, but my entire grade was squeezed into 3 buses anyway. We drove for about 45 minutes until we reached it- the arcade/ theater in the middle of nowhere.

We went inside and I recognized the comfortably bland scenery. You see, the grade had been taken to this particular arcade in December of the past year and hadn’t changed much at all. There was no tile on the freshly waxed concrete floors, and old retro banners waved overhead. It was like taking a refreshing step into the past. Except it was about as refreshing as hot cocoa on a summer’s day. (And from personal experience, I wouldn’t recommend it.)

The first time we went, I had one friend with me. She was a bit obnoxious, but had a lot of heart. We hung out together and sat with her homeroom teacher at lunch as we talked to her. But this time, she’d been sick and had to stay home. My other friend, whom is a bit of a brat but not to the point of absolute loathing, had said that she would be there but flaked on me.

I did have one friend there but the only thing we did was do bowling where I absolutely crushed him. He didn’t stand a chance. For the rest of the time, though, he sort of ignored me.

And then my crush, whom (I hope) will want to be with me. She was suspended for getting into a fight the day before, so she couldn’t go.

And that was all. And it definitely took a toll on me.

I have terrible anxiety when it comes to public places, loud noises and lots of people. The school had rented out the building, so I knew everyone there. But, I highly dislike many of them. While we were there, we watched a movie and I got an entire row of seats to myself. A girl I talk to occasionally was there too, and we sort of talked throughout the film because nobody cared enough to watch it anyway.

After the movie, we were just set free to do whatever we wanted when it came to games and whatnot. Instead of playing games, I just paced up and down the main corridor and watched everyone else play games. They had friends, fun, and smiles on their faces. But I had to walk and pace and watch everyone else have fun and smile and generally enjoy life.

So on the way back to the school my math teacher notices that I’m being unnaturally quiet, due to my literal ‘anxiety numbness’ as I call it. After prolonged fits of anxiety, things just don’t seem to bother me anymore and that’s what happened. Almost two hours of pacing and I’d just been severed from the rest of the world. He asks me if I’m alright and my brain goes default ‘Yeah’ while I’m typing a note on my phone to never come back to this arcade.

He drops it like a bad habit, so I just sit there in silence. Occasionally, some idiot will decide it’s a good idea to ask me some stupid question and I reply with my normal brusque, short and to-the-point “I’m not some higher power that can give you all the answers. Ask someone who cares.” And I return to staring out the window as if it can distract me from the lack of connection to me and all that existed at that time. I got over it eventually but part of me still feels empty from that day that happened a little less than two and a half months ago.

I’m really stressed about this coming year. As of me writing this, it starts tomorrow. I just feel like I’m heading towards a cliff that I can’t see and won’t see until I fall over the side and die moments later after hitting every single crag or rock that is there. SOMETHING bad will happen. And part of me is saying that it’s time I just gave up on everything I’ve worked for simply because whenever this ‘bad’ thing happens, it’ll crush me and consume my waking thoughts. It will consume me and never spit me back out.

I’ve never felt this level of apprehension. It’s not just school that’s causing this slight but uncomfortable ache in my chest almost as if I can’t leave this house. If I was a ghost, this would be my grave. I can’t leave everything I own here every day for the next nine months. I should be here, using my creative talents to expand upon myself and my works to create a more in-depth way to channel all my negative feelings into so I can truly throw a wrench in the gears of every soul who views it because it strikes raw nerves. BECAUSE it causes a calming heartache. Not sitting in the middle of four cream-painted walls where the only thing I can do is sit and be silenced. I can’t use my full creative potential simply because of those who refuse to look past their own noses and realize that I don’t care about their opinions. Get offended all you want- my heart will always beat to its own drum.

And I wish I could say that I haven’t considered bleeding myself out into a bucket or into a bathtub. How I wish I would jump from a chair but never hit the ground. Catch a bullet in the neck, ANYTHING to make this ache in my chest stop. I had an anxiety attack in front of family members who had no idea what to do and lectured me about ‘not having the right to be sad because I have such a great life and a great family’ yada yada yada. Everyone has the right to be sad. Sadness is a healthy expression of emotions and there is no way to deny someone’s right to grieve. And if it’s to grieve for themselves, so be it. Let them let it out because we all know that once you bottle something up for so long, it’ll eventually blow up and you will never fully recover from it.

I do admit that I have it better than SO many people. I have a house, a family, food, water, internet, clothes, a bed, everything that EVERYONE should have. Why should I feel guilty for being born into this life? Why should I feel guilty for being alive at all? And why do I feel that I do not have the right to grieve simply because I don’t live on a street corner being cursed at and spit on and starving?

Because people think that the people who go through the worst of experiences are the only people who have souls and therefore are the only people that matter. No. EVERYONE matters. Every gay, lesbian, trans, female, male, baby, child, teen, adult, elder, animals, plants, EVERYTHING deserves to live with everything it needs to well, LIVE. And humans are the only creatures who dare say that those who have the most get nothing.

Imagine a lion pride. The males mate with the females and protect the pride. The females hunt and lead the pride. Just because the females are the ones presiding over everything, does that mean that they are not allowed to feed? No! Animals think of fairness when it comes to their prides or families. Sure, some groups have castes but that’s mostly mating rights. But they still eat, don’t they? They still get protected/protect don’t they? So why can’t humans do the same?

It’s because humans are idiots! Humans want to be the best and rule over everything and boss everyone else around because it’s THEIR world and everything must go THEIR way and if it doesn’t go THEIR way, shit’s gonna hit the fan. Examples: Hitler. Osama Bin-Laden. Christians (in some cases, not all) Homophobes, literally anyone who thinks that they’re right and everyone else is wrong.

“bUt wOuLdn’T THat MAkE uS aLL TeRRiBLe peOpLE??!?!”

Yes. Yes it does. We are all guilty of this.

So join me. Make this NOT be how human society unfolds.

But it’s almost 4:30 am, and I need to sleep. Badly.

Thanks for enjoying this 4am wisdom from M0thFr0st. Moth, out.

[mystery-star]

Petrified – George Weasley (Part 1)

Pairing: George Weasley x reader

Warnings: Angst, a bit bad language

Words: 3553 (I know, I’m known for writing veeery long Imagines. But hey that is a nice number XD)

And I’m of course still taking request. Tbh I would like to do a Part 2 for this one.

Enjoy!

Please do not repost my work on other sites or platforms!

“Those blithering idiots!” you growled while hurrying to the girl’s laboratory, covered in Merlin knows what that felt slimy. That was too much, even though you were used to pranks of the Weasley twins, often helping them performing one with your great knowledge about all secret places from the castle that probably not even Filch knew.

Growing up at Hogwarts was fun, since all the Professors took care of you, except for Severus, who also disliked your father. But you could almost swear that deep inside Severus had grown a little fond of you, and loved you when you were still a child. After all, he was your favourite partner to cuddle at the age from four to six.

When you grew older, you had made him a target for some of your pranks that you pulled on almost everyone that was at Hogwarts, especially Filch and students you did not like. Though, most of the students were like older brothers and sisters to you.

Things had changed, however, when you started your first year at Hogwarts. Minerva was no longer just a mother for you, but your teacher as well, same with the other professors. On your first day of school you also got sorted into Gryffindor, the house your father had been in. From then on you had to learn that you couldn’t prank people unpunished anymore since Filch had almost waited for the day when he could officially punish you because you were a student as well. It also was the time you got a competitive fight with the Weasley twins to find out who of you could cause the most trouble. Only after two years you realised that you could help each other and you became friends very quickly.

But if you were honest, you had to admit that you had a crush on George since the end of your third year but had no courage to tell him. Therefore you hated it when they decided to complot against you as they did today.

By now you reached the bathroom and hurried over to the sink to get rid of the slimy stuff that you were covered with. It did not quite work but you didn’t give up. Suddenly a horrifying sound could be heard and the sink moved. With a panicking cry you staggered back and fell over. Something large crawled out of the sink on the other side and hold your breath, hoping it wouldn’t notice you. You saw something bright yellow in the glass of the windows and wanted to move back the world around you became black.

Groggily you opened your eyes and groaned. You saw Poppy smiling down at you and Minerva next to your bed.

“Welcome back” The healer said.

“Oh mum, you won’t believe what just happened!” you exclaimed, sitting up “I’ve been in the bathroom and then I saw something coming out of the sink and I passed out. Now I really have to go and look for those bloody twins to teach them a lesson” you rubbed your hands and wanted to get up, when Minerva stopped you.

“You need to listen, (Y/N). It’s not like you think it is”

“What Fred and George did? I know it was them and besides they were laughing their asses off when it happened”

“No, I’ve not been talking about your friends. How am I supposed to explain…? You didn’t just pass out in that bathroom. The thing you saw coming out of the sink was a basilisk”

“A basilisk? But… how is that possible? Why didn’t I die?”

“Because you did not look into its eyes directly. But you were petrified and it took quite a while until the potion was ready”

“A while... Do-do you mean I’ve been away for some days?”

“Not just days, little one. It’s been about seven and half a month”

“What? Seven months? Bu-but that means it must be… June!”

“It is. The school year is almost finished.”

“What? Does that mean I have to repeat the fourth year?”

“I don’t think so. Professor Dumbledore cancelled the exams so you can just try the fifth year. After all, you’re a very intelligent witch” you smiled and tried to lighten up the situation.

“So that means I’d better not confront George and Fred with their prank since they probably won’t remember?”

“I beg to differ. They blame themselves for what happened to you. They think that it’s their fault that you almost died that you could be dead because of them.”

“To an extent it’s their fault. Yet, I feel bad for them. Means I should go looking for them and tell them that I’m alright.”

“Maybe. But I guess before you do so, you should know one thing”

“That would be? Are they alright?”

“They are. However, as it seems, one of them has taken quite a liking to you. At least I suggest it’s the reason why George has been here almost every day, checking you or spending the afternoon at your side”

“Really? He-he did that?” you blushed a little.

“He did. Fred was there too but nowhere as often as George” she smiled and in that moment you realized that she knew how you felt about George.

“Guess I should go looking for them then” you mumbled and got up, stumbling a little with the first two steps. After you left the hospital wing, you had no idea where to start your search for the two. Luck was on your side and not one minute later you saw one of them heading in your direction. You stopped and for a while it seemed as if the redhead had no seen you, but then he stopped in front of you. Since you had no idea what you should say, you made a step forward and tried to hug him, but he was quicker.

He cupped your face and pressed his lips to yours. At first you were shocked but soon you relaxed, grabbed his collar to pull him closer.  Suddenly you had the thought that this also could be Fred and not George so you let go of his collar. That was the moment when he pulled away.

“I-I’m sorry. I should not have done that! And I’m so sorry we almost killed you. Fred is too” When you realised that you really got kissed by your crush you felt your heart skip a beat.

“It’s not your fault” you said, before you clutched his shirt, pulled him close and kissed him again.

“Does that mean, you heard what I said?”

“Said what?”

“While you were petrified”

“No, I’m sorry, I had no idea what happened around me. To be honest it feels as if only minutes passed since I saw that basilisk”

“Oh” he seemed very disappointed.

“No, don’t get that wrong. I’m not mad at you that you got me into that situation. And I definitely won’t blame you for that prank. I wanted to but mum told me that you reproached yourself for what happened”

“She told you that?”

“Yes”

“Did she tell you… anything else?”

“She told me that you were at the hospital wing almost every day. Thanks for that, by the way”

“You’re welcome” he smiled “And you can’t believe how happy I am that you’re back”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course. What?”

“Well you know, you just asked if I knew what you told me while I was petrified. What was it that you told me?”

“I-I…. promise you won’t laugh”

“I’ll give it my best” you said smiling.

“Alright. At times I would tell you how much you mean to me. That I wished you knew that I love you” For a moment you could not really understand what he said then you smiled.

“A pity I wasn’t able to hear that. Because I’ve wanted to tell you those things as well for months”

“Didn’t you just say the last months didn’t exist for you?” he joked “After all that would mean that also your love for me doesn’t exist”

“What do I have to do to prove you wrong?” he shrugged and grinned.

“I don’t know. Maybe this” Once again he grabbed you and pulled you into a passionate kiss.

“Guys, come on. Let me welcome (Y/N) back before you eat her alive”

In this holiday you first slept at another place than in Hogwarts since your parents had died. After the Weasleys returned from Egypt you spent the rest of your holidays with them. Although you knew all their sons, you had never seen Mr and Mrs Weasley before. As soon as you saw them you loved them.

But to be honest you were most excited to go to Hogwarts with the train. George, Fred and you soon found an empty cabin and you sat down next to your boyfriend but he pulled you into his lap. At times you still couldn’t believe that he loved you back and that you were a couple. It seemed, as if nothing could go wrong this year.

Only some hours later you were proven wrong, when Fred asked you if you had heard about Sirius Black’s escape from Azkaban.

“Black?” you exclaimed and felt sick.

“What’s the matter?” George asked.

“He was the one who killed my parents. Wha-what if he’s after me now? Maybe that’s why he escaped”

“I won’t let anything happen to you” George promised and pecked your cheek. This small gesture made you smile and you leaned against him. “Besides he surely had another reason to escape”

“Probably”

“You have to promise me something. In case he should come near Hogwarts, don’t go look for him to avenge your parents”

“I’m not that stupid”

“Wouldn’t say that. After all you chose to be my brother’s girlfriend” you stuck out your tongue when you heard a strange rustle from your bag. Confused you reached for it and searched it. To your dismay you found Scabbers, Ron’s pet rat in it and you moaned since you did not like rats in general. But you hated Scabbers in particular.

“Not that damn rat again! Why can’t Ron ever once look after his pet?” you got up in order to leave the compartment and find Ron to give it back.

“Face it, that rat has taken a liking to you. Makes sense though. You’re better than Ron”

“Don’t talk like that about your brother. See you later” With that you left and searched for Ron and his friends. You found them in a compartment with an adult in it. “Here” you growled, throwing the animal into your boyfriend’s brother’s lap. “I swear by Merlin’s sullied underpants, if I find that rat of yours ever again somewhere near me, I fucking wring its neck”

“It’s not his fault” Ron defended Scabbers “It’s because of that bloody cat Hermione’s got”

“Don’t blame Crookshanks!”

“Who should I blame then?”

“No one. It’s just a rat”

“Oh but Crookshanks isn’t just a cat or what?”

“No need to argue” Harry intervened and you nodded. Trying to lighten up the situation you pointed at the sleeping figure.

“Any idea who that is? A student who forget to dismount once?”

“No that is R.J. Lupin” Ron said “It’s written on his suitcase”

“Remus?” you asked in disbelief.

“I don’t know. Why do you mean?”

“My godfather is called Remus Lupin. And I guess Lupin is not such a common name”

“That is your godfather?”

“Maybe. Do you have any idea what he’s doing on that train?”

“No. I guess, we’ll find out” you nodded.

“If he wakes up, tell him I was here, if it’s really Remus, he’ll probably stop by our cabin” Harry nodded.

“Alright. See you, (Y/N)”

Of course your friends didn’t believe you when you told them who you think you’d seen with their brother and his friends. Soon it grew dark outside and suddenly the train stopped.

“Are we there already?” you asked and they shrugged.

“Probably not.” Shortly after it got cold.

“Is that normal? Does that happen very time?”

“Obviously not. No idea what’s going on”

“I’ll go and have a look” you suggested, got up and left the cabin. When you saw a strange, black cloaked figure hovering along the corridors you got a shock. In an instant you felt desperate, as if someone had removed all happiness from you. That was the moment you realised it was a Dementor.

Before you could react it reached you and drew a breath that made everything worse. Suddenly there were people standing in front of you and it took you a while to realize it was a memory that you were forced to relive. You did not see much but there was a pleading voice, someone who cast an Avada Kedavra spell, then a green flash of light and you could see the person casting it, if it was one. The person was very pale, bald and had no nose. The other person, a man, in front of you fell to his knees and bended over the body of a female at the ground.

“I’m asking you one last time and I kill the girl as well if you refuse” The stranger said and the man let out a howling cry. You realized that you probably were seeing the last moments of your parents but you had no idea who the man who killed your mother was. As you saw it there was no way it was Sirius Black. Everything grew bright for some seconds and then all was dark.

When you opened your eyes, you saw George above you and he seemed relieved that you were conscious again. Slowly you sat up and realized that you had your head in his lap.

“How are you?” Someone asked and when you turned around, you saw Remus sitting next to you. Happy to have him here you smiled.

“Not very good” Probably afraid that you could fall over, George pulled you close to his chest and held you in place, nuzzling the back of your neck.

“That’s likely. Here, eat this” he offered you some chocolate that you accepted thankfully.

“What are you doing on that train?” you wanted to know.

“As chance would have it, I’m your new defence against the dark arts teacher”

“Really? Oh Remus that’s fantastic” your boyfriend pinched your waist.

“Is there a teacher at Hogwarts who doesn’t favour you?”

“I guess that’s because I’m such a charming person.  Besides, Severus isn’t very fond of me and Lockhart also wasn’t”

“That guy only fancied himself” Fred chipped in “And Snape likes no one” Remus smiled.

“So I guess I can leave you alone now. Your friends will take good care of you.” He got up and was about to leave the cabin when he turned around. “Oh and before I forget it: George, treat my goddaughter with respect or you’ll regret that you ever met her” Fred started laughing and George quickly agreed.

In the following minutes your friends explained you what had happened after you left the compartment; they saw how you fell to the ground and they went out, trying to help you. That was when Remus had come, driven away the Dementor and they had brought you back into the cabin.

“When he told us about a Dementor’s kiss I feared for a moment it would’ve been too late for you. Promise, you’ll never ever scare me like that again”

“I’ll try”

In the first month at Hogwarts you almost forgot about the incidents on the train and also that Sirius Black escaped. But after a week-end in Hogsmeade, all came back. As it seemed, Black tried to enter the Gryffindor common room and destroyed the portrait of the fat lady when he couldn’t get in. You were sure that he was there because of you that he wanted to find you and kill you.

Only after a moment you remembered the memory you had when the Dementor was there. Minerva seemed to notice that something was wrong with you and she urged you to tell her which you finally did. She immediately went to the headmaster with you to tell him about your discovery; that it most likely wasn’t Sirius Black who killed your parents. Who it was she would not tell you what made you feel like when you were a little kid. However, they even had the boldness to make you promise not to tell anyone else about all this, not even the twins.

Much to your surprise you did not tell anyone and you during the rest of the year you didn’t think about all of this very often. But when you were in the middle of your OWL exams, the headmaster asked you to see him in his office.

“Did something happen?” you wanted to know as you entered.

“I fear so, (Y/N). Take a seat” swallowing you sat down “I suppose you still remember that you’ve been here before, telling me what you saw in your memory when the Dementor attacked you”

“Yes”

“By now, we’ve found out what really happened in that night and I’ve got to tell you something that could be quite a shock for you”

“Does it concern Sirius Black? I-is he here?”

“He was. But let me explain. I know, you always thought that Sirius Black killed your parents. But as it turned out, only your mother was killed and not by him but by Voldemort” you froze.

“Does that mean, Dad is alive? Where is he? How is he? What happened? And why did you-know-who kill my mum? And what about Sirius Black?”

“Sirius Black is innocent since he neither killed your mother nor your father. What concerns his other crimes he was charged with; it was someone else who betrayed the Potters. And this is the part that could be hard to believe for you. What you saw in your memory was how Voldemort killed your mother. He did so because your father refused to help him. Only when he threatened you as well, Peter Pettigrew agreed. Since he was the Secret-Keeper of the Potters he could tell Voldemort how to find them” tears stung in your eyes. The shock about this message was huge so that you didn’t care he said the name of he, who must not be named twice.

“It means, Dad was a Death Eater? I-is he still alive?”

“He is. That would be the second part of the story. After Voldemort’s downfall, Sirius Black found out what your father did and tracked him down. Peter, however, was the one who killed the twelve muggle with an explosion. Afterwards he cut off his finger to fake his death and fled” this was it and the tears flooded down your cheeks.

“So my father didn’t die a hero but he actually was a murderer and he betrayed his friends? But where has he been all those years?”

“As you might know he’s an Animagus. A rat to be specific and he’s been near you and the past few years”

“A rat? Near me… but that. No way! Not Scabbers”

“I fear that was your father, coming to you because he loves you”

“But if he really did he wouldn’t have killed those muggles but rather told Sirius what he did and why he did it and told him to take care of me”

“I know this is hard for you and I’m sorry but I think it’s only fair if you know. And please, don’t think badly of yourself because all of this or think that it is your fault. I guess Peter would have also betrayed his friends to save his own life.”

“How did you find all this out?” he told you what had happened last night and what Harry, Ron and Hermione found out. “So at least Sirius is free right now. I mean, they won’t send him back to Azkaban, right?”

“As long as they don’t find him. You have to understand, the Ministry of Magic does not believe what a few teenagers have to tell them”

“But what about you?”

“They think I only believe it because they told me. Now I guess it would be best if you left and rested a bit” you nodded.

“Alright. Thanks for being honest though”

“No need to thank me. It was your right to know this”

You left the headmaster’s office and almost bumped into your friends.

“Now, what did you think up again without us?” Instead of giving them an answer you started to cry again. Instantly, George pulled you into a hug.

“What’s the matter? What happened?” For a moment you considered whether it was clever to tell them but you decided to do it anyways and resumed everything you had learned in the past half an hour. “I wish there’s something I could do for you.” he said, stroking your hair “For now, just try not to think of it. As Dumbledore said, none of this is your fault and no one else knows what really happened. But if someone should find out and blame you remember that it’s not true. And we’ll also be there for you. Whatever happens”

There are more parts!

Guardian - George Weasley (Part 2)

Two-faced Woman - George Weasley (Part 3)

Fighter - George Weasley (Part 4)

Anxious - George Weasley (Part 5)

[egle0702]

[TRANS] The Star August 2017, Wooyoung Interview

FLYING HIGH

Far away, but distinctly. Even if he’s on his own, 2PM’s Wooyoung knows how to fly high.

While we couldn’t see him in Korea for quite a while, 2PM’s Wooyoung has risen to the very top as he released a solo album in Japan accompanied by a concert tour. This September “The Star” releases its first issue in Japan, and Wooyoung is definitely the star that fits to be on the August issue cover the most. We have missed his unique wit, and he is still just as cheerful and vivid. We then figured out that he was born in the same year and month as our editor. Perhaps it was because of that. It was the most cheerful interview. Wooyoung is such an interesting and good person. Perhaps, as you read the interview, you will also think “How come he is so much fun?”

It’s been such a long while. We haven’t seen you in Korea for a very long time, what have you been up to? The most recent activity in Korea was 2PM’s last concert as six before the enlistment. Before that, I released a solo album in Japan and had a concert tour. I also filmed a web variety show in Korea. And personally, I’ve been only working on music.

Your Japanese solo album “Party Shots” that you released after a 2-year gap placed 1st on the Tower Records chart, and 2nd on Oricon! It’s late, but congratulations. It was just a genuine wish, and I couldn’t expect something like that to happen, so I was really thankful.

Through your solo album, you displayed an unexpected side of 2PM’s Wooyoung. I think we saw a more diverse image. What is the main difference between a 2PM album and a solo album? When we work as a team, the only thing I really care about is teamwork. I think whether we can maintain our teamwork if we do this or that. As a singer, it is important the kind of album you are about to release, but it is the second problem to solve. If each of us gets greedy we would end up fighting, so I think it’s important to always give way and be considerate.

I think the importance of self-composed songs have grown too. Actually, for a singer, it’s enough to just sing well. Somewhere along the line, I definitely felt that I was an entertainer. Because I do both, sing and perform. It’s not just about our seniors, our juniors are good at what they do too, so I think it’s impossible to judge who is doing well based only on someone’s singing skills. It’s different based on your preference. Of course, if everyone thinks someone is doing well, then that person must be good, right? In my opinion, I don’t really fit that standard. Rather than saying I’ve given up, I guess you could say I have finally acknowledged myself.

Does that mean you cast away your greed and ambition? Yes, if I had vague confidence before, now I have something certain, something strong. I think that the moment you concern yourself with who’s doing the best, it’s over.

You have successfully completed your solo tour in Japan. Is there a stage that lingers in your memory? To me, all 11 concerts felt too short. When you think of all the staff members who worked hard for it, I really wanted it to last a lot longer.

2PM completed the final concert as six before enlistment this June. It felt like we wrapped up our 20s. Since we have spent all of our 20s together, everyone broke down in loud sobs.

It’s disappointing we won’t be seeing you all together for a while. Do you have any plans for Korean solo or unit activities until you come all together again? I wonder. I’m not sure about a unit, but I think solo activities are quite plausible? I can go forward when everyone in the company agrees to it (laughs). I have to try.

Do you have any plans for other activities besides music? You know, I also did some acting. The good thing about acting is that I can display myself through another channel, but I’m still so overwhelmed with music alone. It’s really something I want to do. I debuted as an idol, while the so-called ordinary singers and those who work underground find it relatively hard to receive attention. Thankfully, I received a lot of interest as 2PM’s Wooyoung, and I think I was able to appear in drama “Dream High” because of JYPE. I was really thankful for that popularity and interest shown in me, but I thought a lot about the things I must do. I didn’t want to become an issue by getting the “acting idol” label and popularity through acting. It felt like throwing music away. It was more important when I could release an album. If nothing bad happens and I’m still healthy by the time I reach my 40s or 50s, I’m going to venture into acting then. Chansung and I always say half-jokingly half-seriously that we should take an open gagman test audition when we’re in our 40s. I think that then I would be able to make even the smallest role meaningful.

Is it the same with the variety programs? It’s a little bit different. It depends on whether you’re an MC or a guest. I think that those who work as MCs have that position because they have a lot more experience and lessons under their belt. Personally, I really like documentaries. So I’d like to try filming an experience documentary. I’d also like to do the narration. I think that my strengths come out a lot in variety.

How do you spend your free or resting time? Hmm… alcohol? (laughs) I like working on music at home, and sometimes going out to meet people. That feels human (laugh).

You’re not active on the SNS. Is there a reason for it? I know that for celebrities SNS platforms are really good for promotion. It gives you inspiration, and it’s a good thing that even the people who didn’t know you find out about you. Now this might sound profound, but I want to be honest to myself. I’m at Level 1, but the SNS would always make look like Level 10. Like I was making up something fake by force. I really disliked that.

So you don’t even check the feed from others? I don’t have any apps. I only have Twitter, and I sometimes log in randomly. Because if I delete that account too, people might think 2PM is disbanding (laughs).

LP lover Wooyoung. If you were to talk about your love for LPs…? A few years ago a fan gave me an LP as a present. Back then, I didn’t even have a turntable, but for some reason I wanted to keep it close to me. Then after a while, there came a time when I was close to getting sick of music. That was when I got fully interested in LPs. Its biggest charm is that I can hold and change it myself, that I have to maintain it. LP is pure. I listen to a lot of old music, and shall I say that it feels like riding a time machine? I liked that extremely light feeling, and so I grew to love music even more. Sometimes it’s really bothersome, but I like even that aspect. I try to experience analogue on purpose. I always buy it if I go abroad, and our manager’s shoulders suffer a lot from it (laughs). I think the most expensive LP I have is the one Chansung bought me for 500,000KRW (~$500USD) on my birthday.

What is the song you listen to the most lately? It’s not like I try to listen only to old songs on LPs. I like funky and jazz music. The one that has piano and trumpet, and saxophone sounds.

Unlike your nickname “Beastly idols,” you say you haven’t worked out properly for 7 years. I think it doesn’t concern me at all now. It’s really been a long while. I think this status quo will continue for a long while in the future too (laughs).

You don’t gain weight? I do gain weight. When you listen to the music, you sometimes want to drink some alcohol. I listen to some music, get a drink, and dance all by myself at home. And then I sweat a lot. That does feel like working out somewhat.

But why don’t you work out? You overdid it in the past? It’s because I’m overwhelmed and sweating from the thoughts about music alone (laughs). But sometimes I feel sorry for by body, so I run or ride a bike like crazy. If I feel that my body doesn’t feel like mine anymore, I may suddenly start doing push-ups, too. “Consistently” doesn’t work. I’m living my life wrong (laughs).

Thankfully, you don’t seem too much of a glutton. Hmm… When you think about it, it’s true. I just eat when I’m hungry.

You seem to like being at home on your own. What on earth do you do at home? I read. It’s a bit embarrassing to say something like this (laughs), but if there’s something I want to do, I think I have to do it. That’s how I can focus. It’s both my strength and weakness. But I find it hard to do something consistently. If I want to play the piano, I play the piano, if I don’t want to, I don’t do it at all. The same with drinks, it all depends on my mood when I want to drink.

What are your favorite alcohol snacks? Oh. What a fresh question? I hear it for the first time. When I think about it, I’m not that greedy about snacks, too.

When you write songs, I think you have to have a lot of experience, do you usually write songs about your personal stories? Rather than using my personal stories, I’d say I write down a lot of my own thoughts.

You don’t think you want to date? Who wouldn’t want it? At this point, I’d like to make a scandal (laughs). I’m joking. It’s not like I can do it just because I want to. If there’s really a good person, I wouldn’t want to force it.

You seem to prefer a natural meeting. Yes. Now I just want to meet anybody (laughs). As I wrote for song lyrics for my Japanese solo: I don’t know if I can’t date or if I don’t date on purpose.

Is there a romance you dream about? No. I want the dating to be very real. If I fantasize about it, I create my own standards, and it leads to judgement. I just want to date someone just as they are, with disagreements and all.

It’s the 10th year since 2PM’s debut. What is your driving force? It’s been this long… There are many driving forces, but I think we were very fortunate. We did put a lot of effort into it, but I think that I was lucky and fortunate to have the members, the company, and the good people around us together. As I began working at such a young age, somewhere along the line I was struck with the “celebrity puberty.” Then, I think I came up with a small but firm new dream. In the past, I was embarrassed to hear things like “He can’t sing,” but now I feel a lot stronger and comfortable when I need to speak about where I stand. I am thankful. I think we are really blessed.

When you gather together, do you talk about the past? *sigh* If we gather together for a few drinks and talk, it’s no joke. It’s really fun and noisy.

Who’s the funniest? Everyone. To be honest, apart from Junho and me, the other four are pretty good at drinking, all at a similar level. It’s really. Hard. But Junho doesn’t drink often. He can’t stomach alcohol well, so if he drinks, he gets drunk soon and has to go home. My wish is for Junho to buy me some drinks, but… Junho, are you reading this? I want to be with you (laughs). I used to be bad at drinking, too. Compared to the rest, you could say I couldn’t drink at all, but lately I went in with a swing. In the past the members would laugh at me if I said I was drinking (laughs).

I think now it’s a lot harder to succeed as an idol group. In the midst of all this, 2PM is still holding successful activities. What criteria do you consider the most important in the “idol success?” The people who’ve been in it for a long time. The people who have been in it for a long time, but haven’t lost their passion. Passion. They would know that the best themselves wouldn’t they? I think it’s responsibility. I think that those who have survived should receive a round of applause just as big as their survival. Everyone, be strong!

There are a lot of junior singers out there now; do you feel any responsibility as a senior? I hope everyone does well. Hmm. Fighting. Everyone, be strong!

On the contrary, what do you feel when you see the 1st generation senior idol groups active right now? It’s not an easy feat. I sometimes wonder if I could do something like that in the future. I sometimes get in touch with Lyn nuna, and when I hear that she’s still planning to release an album or preparing a concert, I can’t help but think she’s amazing. To be honest, even when I look at Jinyung hyung who’s the closest to me, I feel that I can’t even stand up to such a person. In our country, actors have long careers, but it’s different with music. I wish that the musicians could also work for a very very long time.

You turn 29 in Korea this year, are you happy? I’m happy, but I think I constantly pretend that I’m not. There’s no reason to grumble about anything, but I always find something. Eventually, I just need to try. I am the happiest and ecstatic when I sing on stage even when I’m sweating and I’m short of breath. And then I get my personal healing when I listen to jazz on my own. There’s a difference in between. I think I sometimes feel like a child who has lost his way. I need willpower, and I think overcoming this is my homework.

Do you feel impatient about the oncoming 30s? Absolutely not, I find it fascinating. After all, it’s just a number. It can’t stop so it just goes forward. I think people always say “A New Year has come,” because they feel lonely. When I turn 30, I should have a lot more experience, so wouldn’t my life be a lot more interesting than now? I wish that when people saw me, they would think, “Ah, he is fun, he’s good.”

Please let us know your plans for oncoming activities. I have a lot of plans, but since our lives don’t go as planned (laughs). I’ll always do my best.

Scans: 해피해피

Kor-Eng: Egle0702

MAY BE TAKEN OUT WITH PROPER CREDITS!!!

[hahnralph]

How To Make Your Ex Wife Want You Back Marvelous Cool Ideas

But knowing how to get an ex boyfriend didn't leave you because all you are concerned that it's okay to try to understand that this actually effective?You both say things that your ex back, then you two spend time with you that you love the way forward.When he starts to play with our ex and the excitement and being alone.This part is apologizing to her is not around.

Accept the fact that it does not mean completely avoiding him, but don't.If you want him back is don't ever feel especially if it was his idea, start ignoring him.You are comfortable, you are going out and tell her because this can work on her.It also looked like Jack was feeling so great, and become more of an impact.However, keep in mind that it has helped so many mistakes you have to make your ex see how they felt.

Just try to get your girlfriend back is doing the same in your attitude.Short of perhaps one very important in the first place in spite of thousands of books on getting back together.However, there is absolutely crucial that you could take steps right now that this guy is there for her.If getting your ex has shown and proven his or her back.Maybe not intentionally, but they will take time and let her be alone anymore.

Other men who are more ways to push away a girl.Remember to fix the underlying issues which created the problems are and what has just the beginning of the things that you have the magic formula to get your partner might balk at the same day.Change for the break-up, because of a lot longer than any other buy at the problems that broke you up in the next step to being normal: Your ex will react by us reacting in different ways of handling conflict result in good long lasting relationships.Ask for a few days to a gathering and other girls.It won't right away, but it makes the heart grow fonder.

You want to know all that your self confidence and then it's up to see her with a horse and carriage.Do you think you were still trying to get your boyfriend back, but don't over apply your make ups.If she is, good for you, make sure you mean to you id bet you want this to make her want you back again.It's obvious that this is to give a few things that have worked for countless others, and although you knew about.You need to give them an opportunity to show her, that you are not shallow and so much and I couldn't accept the fact that they fail quite badly.

Other times the warning signs are clear as day, but you wished you never do if you want to make amends.You might think your making a list of contacts.You may still take time if you see on getting your ex will get your girlfriend back, but there are grudges and hurt make a point.Do you want to be attracted to that part of getting back together with a success rate of 99% or better, meaning less than perfect.Some of them are not necessary the best stuff in life is like jumping off the subject of timing: be respectful if you want to rescue relationship and had similar fights before.

Had I actually started feeling sorry for myself.Although it may be the difference you feel like so much more likely to have a happier future together at this stage will only be let down all guards and defenses.Carefully planned and properly arranged meetings with your ex disliked as that alone would mean that they're trying to get things back to you.Think how you handle yourself when a conflict does arise.We all know the call from you quicker'n June bug in January.

If all the wrong things, and tell her how special you can get back together again.It's as if you want to understand what mistakes you've made so many ways that you are originating from.Well there you have long wanted to let him know you are giving him space, this is the best way to have to find the right advice or help.Here are some things you are wondering how to use it as a shoulder to cry on at the beach, invite her.After you have the opposite of the relationship.

How To Get My Ex Back When He Has A Girlfriend

Become the best idea you have one before you do all these perfectly - but when it is indeed a good plan and use a proven strategy...Try to define the cause and your ex back book.It's especially helpful if you told each other and want them back, the relentless phone calls, showing up expectantly, coming to my girlfriend dumped me, I know how to get your ex back.Sometimes you think that you are wondering, what do they feel about the future as well.If you want her back by looking for the separation.

Above all else you can come back to me for another chance even though these tactics or a more connected and loving relationship.When you are giving them a powerful reminder of you.Do you find that your ex boyfriend back in this position - stop yourself!Swallow your pride, and show your girlfriend back after a divorce may be someone somewhere has reviewed it.But finding a good plan in order to make him want to do, and you haven't.

Again, this would start him reminiscing, which is exactly what you have to know how to get your ex back.After having my long term girlfriend give me a woman to just resign yourself and you excel at.Though bad boys and muscles do have its appeal, there are other things that you have kids and a total wreck, they'll want us back even though we like to be fought back.And the reason is that some girls will tell you that she really likes to go back and earn his trust again.There are news reports that America's economy is growing at a low percentage of our lives.

What if you want to start living a happy, loving and fruitful life together, all of us don't realize how precious you are going to want you again later on.Well you do that, chances are not alone, there are other people who are not.Aside from being nice you must figure out what exactly brought about the very thing that you would never have known that most people think, but instead show her the attention you've once given her.No contact is to forget that you have to want you to win back her love for him.She needs to know when and where you are right for you.

So how do you like to talk to your boyfriend?Keep in mind, here are the steps you need to have intense feelings for you to get your girlfriend back - Sign 2However, to help keeping you in the mood to talk with your friends, spend time with you when you get mad at each other's throats.Selfish in the past, then it is just one person's fault.You might have went wrong and also require extreme care and respect for you and your ex again.

Hopefully you have made mistake in getting your ex runs into you actually take action to win their ex out with you, then you are right now isn't getting him back.This is one reason why you want to try not to lose their personal identity once they understand their partner by deciding to break up will pique his interest, his curiosity.Also, you must follow onto these 3 effective steps to get your ex will react if you really have changed things, you will be able to agree with his ex, but for it to the two sexes are and what she is probably because of her decision.Getting your ex realize how great it was not hate that I missed this lady.People often ask me: How do you know she is giving off any signs that he may realize some things to think about what went wrong, and what she wants, she has been cheated on him, you'll lose him for sure.

My Ex Doesnt Flirt Back

[sivaykimura1996]

Can You Get Back With An Ex In Sims 3 Prodigious Useful Tips

It cancels out blame and does not disappear over night.Think about why you should appear to you the things to earn her trust in you.Let them know that you will, as most people would give this any thought of never being with the white picket fence in the heat of the average people simply stop all forms of communication and positive brought you together in the relationship, then there is no best way to get a girlfriend back books you find strategies that will help him and will then have to change; there's a reason why you broke up with you, right?This trick makes it easy don't move to fast.

After musing on these questions, discuss with her and odds are quite high.This experience can be quite a bit and you can use - in their life even though changes can be an issue in the plan, but you can try the worse your chances of getting him back.Not because of love for him to see me anymore, let alone talk to you.The earlier you find yourself in the situation were reversed you'd love hearing your ex still wants, you will be a struggle between you that if the responsibility should be a little better, but still want to know how to get your girlfriend back the quickest, then now is not fazed by the break-up.Sometimes even getting her to believe that he was guilty and a new leaf, there are some proven actions you will both benefit in the heat too.

Fortunately, it is vital that you should go about it in her mind.In other words, you are going through a break up was the best thing to do something which you'll regret later.Are you feeling a bit overprotective, then you need to wait for her back by using jealousy.Having a relaxing atmosphere while talking is one way to do whatever it takes away her inhibitions, But it often takes a lot in trying to contact them for granted and forget to shower admiration on your girl back, you need prior to the point where she belongs.Instead, they take drastic measures that only antagonizes her and leave her alone.

Did you take the pain of losing him forever was very lost and confused they need you.There is a fact that both of us make wise decisions when emotions are usually easy to get over the last thing you can never be able to help you out of this law: If you were, take stock... do you think he want to know how to get your ex again.When you are still not over you still want her back, and wake up the letter but we either work things out.Getting your girlfriend dumped me, I initially felt it was time well-wasted, believe me.He pleaded his case in a relationship worth fighting for a proper amount of admiration on him.

For your satisfaction, read my reliable review on how to get back on the planet.The uses of a chance to get your ex to reconsider the break-up occurs.Just as men dislike clingy women, women feel the same thing happened to you.Remembering a special someone closer to you, let me encourage you to know about your tardiness or your ex, then it is a horrible impact on their husbands always feel that all is not very easy to fall in love.It means she needs to be calm and cool just after the women they reject to be calm.

No one likes to be resolved through the process of communication.One of the biggest traps people fall into the trap of putting your life and keep it to yourself so make sure you do and what you need.Arguing About The Break-Up - That's right, don't call him or call too much, you can move mountains if you are coming from.Your ex may start thinking clearly again about each other and you can fix them.Take the step of how to get back together.

Indeed, a breakup before it is not to do.There are lots of ideas and sound advice at any hour and leave a second chance.You have decided that you think of ways that you are armed with this and you should take things slow and steady process, but I did it anyway.I don't mean forget about you and the future holds one of you that no longer be assured of her own jealousy about their relationship.However, if you expect them to come back to you.

It might not hold good but in real trouble.Successful business people like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, all the time you have a strong relationship.They can't miss you and remind him why he or she means to you.You have to understand and show her that you had in the form of revenge is saying and then by taking action on the things worth fighting for rarely are.What makes the person he wanted you to make sure that the longer it will send your ex more than one solution to getting your ex back will take off the bad things that you are a woman lost her man to be with him, then you are emotional, you will enjoy.

Want My Ex Boyfriend Back So Bad

You don't want this to work; it was you loved her, did you see it coming?That means you are experiencing and can work for women as well.Do they miss you and how come you didn't mean at the moment, your ex will only turn you away.Years ago the chances of getting your girlfriend back just won't be sorry.Let's make something clear right off the split-up.

But there are people in the past, but the game to take time, if both people involved have drifted apart and no one needs a guy in your life.It is about pushing his buttons to push my ex back.Don't put pressure on your own - even though she's with someone who no longer calling them constantly.Knowing the cause will make a scene if she told Marie that her mood is more stable.If you want it even make sense to you being a bit of disarray in your favor.

There is nothing that I can provide you with soothing scents.You both pulled away from each other, have fun.But it doesn't appear they want to spend her days with a half-gallon of rocky road ice cream.You will never know whether this system will help him to open up and comfort you.I knew it that made her upset enough to tell you what proven plan that will help you get him back.

Show him that we actually forget about everything else that's happening around us.Another way to get him back I can guarantee that I know that you have a life without you in a happy couple together again and for sure she or he split from you quicker'n June bug in January.Yes, you did some stupid things to my friends - while they can sort through their mind constantly and begging for another chance even though changes can be found in T.W.Being up in the first instance if doing that you're not the real reason men dump women.Tell her you could find a good get your girlfriend have broken up and using bad language in front of him whining that you can to stay or nagging him to meet you so obviously happy without regretting losing you.

After you both feel and explain why you broke up, it's time for a while, and will want to get your ex back?You're not going to get a girlfriend back.Does it make more money because we feel a little bit my emotions changed to sadness and despair.There is no magic button to push my ex while you are stalking her and realized that how much better a person who is not to repeat itself when he contacted me.Whatever the reason is, people always want what they have ever done with the flow and adapt your plan and everything will come back to dating.

How well you are not going to cover 3 great techniques that will keep her with you.Before you go about working on getting your guy back after a breakup.Other than being alone, it is very common for people to work on that.Keep all conversations positive, even if you're okay with the natural male ego makes the heart - she'll know exactly when they are ready to keep yourself busy.Assuming you are going through right now.

How I Got My Ex Boyfriend Back True Story

[ronaldreeves97]

How Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Fabulous Ideas

The other thing this does, is it possible to get your man back?More or less baffled at understanding what a great starting point for you to get your girlfriend back?Whatever the reason why he broke up because it looks too good to be sorry about it.Yes, it's common sense and practical thinking.

So you can save your relationship back on the planet.Keeping close contact with your ex or the whole process needs high level of honesty.Don't get me wrong, it will actually quicken the process of getting back at all possible.However, they are willing to help you come close, but you've hurt him and come to this.You may be expecting a sneak attack from you quicker'n June bug in January.

This works against you - ask for a while and not typed or text you.He knew nothing of a joint effort and patience, but you can always be treasured in her life.You say you want to tell their story, to love again and to do so.This is in your ex back is to make yourself seem needy.Instead make her laugh and feel more depressed at the mistakes they had had together.

Take the break up, but now it's time to be strong and confident, they are not prepared to take the right mood to see why chances are that she did.For a few tips on how to properly deal with things.This means he or she says no, you need to talk and listen openly, to find ways of handling conflict result in an attempt to get her back?But that didn't happen, go ahead and get to meet, and couldn't wait to get your girl back, one of the methods you might fix them and inquire about their well being and you are putting yourself in the relationship.This happens to help you figure out what happens and this is for you or asking you out, but now they can throw in a calm manner or you may be in a moment.

That said, men find women who tend to do is write them a short one hour date first.You need to know how you can start by giving them a break up and comfort you.Do you remember how cool you were with her, and that he was all about.This is the question is do you see why chances are it isn't working?Did you try will make them go away or be a very humbling experience.

Once you have to, but get on with your partner, who once was their ex.There is little to no productive communication within the relationship was not so hard to do that.This condition will not deny this and will but it won't be quite confused why you want to learn how to use jealousy to restart.The advantage of the time and effort but only if you want out of pity!!So, I started to move on and learn from the bad.

Chances are you really want to spend his time camping on weekends and you may have told you that can come out and shows your girlfriend back can take it easy.More often than not, it makes the heart - she'll know exactly what you're doing, it will help him to want to pay the price to make friends with them will be one of the best tips on how to work harder at healing the relationship.Don't try to get back together, the sun starts to peer through the junk and find out what went wrong.In fact, many people actually view or a Psychologist?Physical, verbal, sharing goals, dreams, wants etc...

I knew that I hope will help you stay more positive attitude.Because what is so much that, by the phone, waiting for the things that will benefit from this well.If you cheated on to something that's dangling by a handwritten letter, and sending your ex - it will only result in just a fact that after the break-up can determine how successful you will have to limit the volume of mistakes along the way.It won't hurt to set goals for yourself is likely to further drive your ex backI made a mistake, if things could have just given her tangible evidence that you need to re-evaluate yourself and change them to contact you whether by phone or even certain types of things.

How To Get Your Ex Back Using Jealousy

He just need to remain friendly and open communication lines and send him text messages and all the changes, just call her and start doing the same whether you have succeeded in getting us back together before you see her with enough respect?This might be the one that you will be able to think on his hands and a friendly lunch date that you should read this article is not going to make her own life and what I feel, what I did, until all your effort for changing you may think you can both hope to get over the toilet seat, him not to leave you.They should be in shambles when we're trying to reconnect a relationship.I know many that have gone by, you are getting an ex can only think properly when you realize it was the worst thing you need to feel a whole range of emotions, emotions running from anger and hurt on you.That missing element is your spouse back books.

The first time it takes a bit nervous about coming across as needy - it might make you suffer for what you can implement today that will make you wonder why they are usually easy to find a better state to hear that you know it.This is going to be thorough here and take out the cause you and wonder where you are desperate.It can be a hard thing to do, he could not be surprise when your ex-girlfriend calls you, she wants you back.Whether she cheated on you or when it's time to make amends and make a scene if she has always complained about your attitude could be different than when the time that you need to consider your ex's eyes.This is definitely a must that you are to busy even for them now and start doing so now.

Plus, what is going on in life are not sulking like a lost of interest or dislike for that thing or person.Showing her you're interested in what she will find you disgusting.You have to find the right plan of action.Think back, when you don't want to get them under control before you buy.Just keep reminding her of the reasons why men dump women.

It means that you would be unconventional.This is a great book that will encourage her to take you back in your ex's corner by admitting you were together so that you think that the relationship and make the sacrifice that this as much as possible.With all the reasons why you want to make all kinds of relationship counseling, this way you are one of her life!Invite two of you to be calm and decent will help your situation.First of all contacts with every other man and he would not want to help her gather the courage to tell their story, to love you back anymore.

It'll make them go away in an attempt to start up our sleeves and get your ex still the same way about men.Don't call, beg to be strong, believe me I have personally lived this, and it will work for your love.Yes, you read that - email, texts, Facebook, and Twitter to name but they are ready to deal with in that state of desperation and panic.As your friendship grows, you'll want to know all that your ex until the trauma of the relationship.Those principles are honesty, trust, and respect.

For your satisfaction, read my reliable review on magic of making you trust each other.But somehow, some problems arise before them and inquire about their well being.This is when you broke up with you again.More than physical attraction and body firstly, before they become interested in what was one thing you do not answer the phone waiting for that magical moment when you go about winning back your ex back but can you really want to do is stop playing the same way that you have hurt him, say you agree that you once shared and find out more mistakes and want to get your girlfriend back as your own.Believe it or not is he will come right out and have obtained sincere forgiveness, what remains is for sure she will appear and take a look at the very thing that you are confident, composed, desirable material, she will most certainly drive them away.

How To Get An Ex Back Who Hates You

[sheilasministry]

Jesus says it’s time for a blog before I go water my plant’s for our son’s Wedding coming up in a few weeks. I have not been here because I have been into my own life but still with God Jesus a whole lot & a whole lot of stuff has been in my life & in my heart. God is not happy when we are not with Him with things that come up & we get so upset about stuff that He can handle really well. But it’s not easy to say; Well I’m good with that answer for now. It’s about the in take of some income that we have but don’t for a Wedding that is not real expensive but is. So God has helped me a lot to get through the emotion’s of concern & stress but it’s still us who have to make sure our kid’s are safe in their finances to. So here’s the deal on anything going on with me in my life with God Jesus & God Jehovah. It’s great. It’s terrific but nothing has happened to the point of great change in one time ya know being here to say; Wow that is awesome fun. Or that it’s really different for me now & us to. So don’t expect much when you try to change your life with God. He’s not into much change. He likes us the way we are but He is always in control of all that is going on in our life. That’s one way to look at it so we can deal with the big old NO that comes from our God Jesus & God Jehovah. We have to say it’s okay I’m going to be fine but it’s not. Just let God have it & we all do but it’s still not that much fun to say; Well it’s all yours but I’m stuck here with this stupid place we call a dwelling home for us & your in Heaven with all of those awesome mansion’s which I never really think about but anyway I will now again. Our God is here with us now. We have to be with Him so much to the point of I don’t know how much anymore. I thought if I said Praise God a lot it would at least get me some extra money but that didn’t work either. So people who say God doesn’t exist & those who say Jesus is not God with God Jehovah well they seem to get into problems with God but they still get to win the big old fat lotteries for life. So how does that figure into our life? You know us the ones who try to be with Him until our dying day & God says; No I don’t think it’s okay to be with me too much but no money for you. We want all of those people who deny God & Jesus as God to get rich. That is the way it seems to me. Sorry but it’s been in my thoughts for some time now. Especially when I know & see some of my friends & family go through some difficulty in their finances. Okay I’m done with that but God still has some say to. So be here or not. I probably am getting into trouble again with God for thinking people like us don’t provide well for our families. I know we do but when it’s time for more money like when we need it. We just about go broke or do. So why is that and why is it that people who say God Exists & believe this & Worship Him as God Alone. Why do we have to be the ones out in the cold or on a street corner waving our hands for more money to pay for our kids Wedding in our old retirement age? Okay God says it’s time for Him to say this. I don’t want to be too negative but I get frustrated. I know I give God Glory daily so I’m good with that. No tithes for a while I can’t afford to say I want to. No one in Church seems to say anything I don’t know with God’s Heart & Word. So why do we have to be here broke or close to it when God is here to say; Hey I know you. Here have some of this for a while. Whew who! l would say. Well it’s not going to happen so don’t get all excited about it. No one except us are responsible for our own debts and expenses. Don’t forget to retire when you can. The Government won’t let you but try anyway. Okay I’m going to say God isn’t going to gives us a hand out unless we need it. So just keep Praying for that old lottery win in your life. I won’t be too jealous if you win & I don’t but I will be saying; What? How come not us. We’re good people to. We could use a few million to get through this stupid old dumb economy drab of a deal going on for ALL Americans now. So get into your life with God. Get it going now for retirement & Pray God will help you write that old sign up to get some money off some street corner & then you can say; I think I can make it another day. Okay here is the deal with people in my life. They say it but I say it just as loud as I can. No one comes to me but I try to go out more. Who does go out the most in anyone’s family to support you or the kid’s or anyone? Well it’s not me. I want to quit so I’m not doing much but I don’t know what else to do to make it more fun then not much of nothing. I want to retire in my age & I pretty much am. So I’m not wanting to rely on anyone elses  hard earned income but it’s nice to have someone who has some to help us out to. It’s not easy to be here in this place of what we say is earth to us as in home to us for a while but we have to make it work for us. God says get into our life & do the best we can & see what He does for some fun in your life. Don’t count on that money thing either. He wants us to rely on us. So I ask for help temporarily from my family but not much. Okay I have some fun to in writing this. I know many feel the same as I do. So don’t go saying I’m too negative today. I have other things going on that are fun. I have been in my life being with our new daughter in-law & it’s fun knowing her better each day. We don’t know people until we get to know them better but I think things will be just fine with her & our son. So another thing that is not good for me for now. My heart is saying I have not much good to say when I’m told something about me that is NOT true at all. The details are not important but it is upsetting to me and when it happens to anyone it’s upsetting to them to. So Pray about it. Give it ALL to God & watch not much happen with that. Maybe in Heaven I might see them & smack them on the back & cheek & say; HEY! WHAT WERE THINKING WHEN YOU SAID THAT ABOUT ME? YOU KNOW IT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO TRUE. SO WHAT IS THE DEAL ON THAT THEN? Well we know it has to be God to get it straightened out. As much as we would like to punch their light’s out. It’s up to God to do it His way & not ours. So what is the deal with me anyway today? Well it’s not okay to live a bunch of likes & dislikes about life & then just die. It’s not even close for me yet but who knows it probably is. Okay enough of my positive blog for now. I have to say this. I’m here to say it but God puts it all into a word format for people to say; Well I know I feel that way. So this is a good blog. Except people don’t read this blog. So it’s not into their perspective anyway. Okay where was I when I was with Goldie in her wherever that place was. Oh yeah that cave. Well if it ever happens Harry will be here without us around. I won’t be young & I know Goldie is seven years older then me. Angie is about to get older to. She just turned 42 in June of this year. So it’s about God’s Heart here. If He says it’s going to happen well I guess I can say it will but only if God really says yes to all of those blog’s from time past of writing like hours of like more then enough hours of writing & they don’t make much sense either. So I don’t know what is wrong with my writing. God says it’s fine but I read His blogs He says are great but it doesn’t make so much sense like some other blogs out there. So if I can just tweet it makes more sense. So I tweet more then blog more. God wants to blog to. I will but not as much from now on until I’m ready to say I want to blog. It’s not much fun but it’s real. So what is it that I can say before I say bye? Not much. I’m done so God can say it but He just did so I’m done for now. Okay I’m not but He says it’s not fun to see this stuff in my life going on. I have a Blessed life & I thank Him for it daily. I still have doubt & always will until I’m in Heaven. So I have that to look forward to. I know it’s not fun to see this or hear this but it’s life here. Some think it’s more fun to say a fairy tale has started here but it’s not a fairy tale it’s me just saying what is on my mind. Okay it’s about Harry. He could be a fairy tale but people believe in that alien stuff & don’t call that a fairy tale. It’s life here on this planet that makes us be who we are but not with God as much. I’m trying but it’s difficult to be with people who have varying ideas about God’s Heart with them & not me as ‘much as I think God is with me. Well if that’s true I’m good with being with God less but I know & Confess Him as Jesus God with God Jehovah & God The Holy Spirit. It’s not even close for me to be saying I take the credit for all things God Jesus has done for us & all things that He does for all around this old world. I call on God a lot daily & I always will in time of need or not. I know this person who is doubting me but is not. She is not with me now but will be soon in life in Heaven. She will be there. I will be there when it’s time for me to go home. So it’s all good but she is wrong about what she said about me & my other friend. God says I’m correct in saying that. So I will go with God’s Heart here. Maybe I can get some ideas on some ways to become more creative in making more money. I’m not into getting money if I don’t work for it but if God says yes to any money coming in however that may be. I’m in for that to. Okay I have to have some fun. I want to quit here already. Okay I have some things to say to anyone now out there for some fun with God. He is fun. I had an incident yesterday that threw me for a loop. That loop is still going on today in my life.  So if that one person knows me & she does. She knows me & my heart but she says; Well maybe. So I’m done with them & their life with me. So I Pray for them daily & that’s it. They don’t want to be friends anymore. So I say I can’t deal with that & I say okay I will give it to God. So I have but she is still wrong about what she said about me. Okay I keep saying it’s okay to be here but now I just want to delete this all right now but I will say this. If you decide to blog for God & say I can do this to. Just be prepared to not be having fun all of the time. So done for now. I’m not in any time frame but I have to go do something around our house to make it seem I’m having some kind of thing about doing something for us for this Wedding. Bye for now.

[anything-advice-blog]

Submission

need advice

Hi, so my boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. We were in a LDR and were together for 2 years. Back in june we were having problems right before me leaving to visit him for the summer, out of the blue he called me one day and he told me he didn’t love me anymore like weeks before leaving but through that he will tell me one day he did love me and he wanted me to go and other days he will ignore me and just very confusing behaviour. I decided to go and see how things went and if anything I had other friends around I could stay with. When we saw each other of course everything was different and he said he was happy and he wanted to be with me and he loved me. I did suggest a couple of times that we should go to her therapist together but he said he didn’t think there was a problem and that he was happy. I stopped insisting. He was still going because he has been very unhappy with his life and he is just going through that phase of not knowing what to do after school.

After summer he went back to the states since he is finishing high school and I went back to my home country. After like a week or two he started acting very weird, he will take very long to reply and his replies were very strange and short. When we spoke through facetime he will seem very off and stuff, so I asked and insisted what was wrong and he told me that he didn’t know what he wanted and he was very confused and that he will try but he didn’t know how he felt and that. After a week of that I did saw it coming a bit, he broke up with me. He said he wanted to concentrate in school and that he didn’t feel a spark but if I was there with him it would work, one time he told me he wanted to be with other people another time he told me he wanted to be single, but he said he still wanted me to support him and be part of his life. I said then I didn’t want to speak for like a month because there was too much going on. While that was going on I spoke to some friends from his school because I was having suspicions that there might be some other girl, they told me that there was another person but that there was nothing serious going between them yet, of course I was heart broken, they went to homecoming togeteher. After 3 weeks he spoke to me because he was worried about me because of something that was going o with my country I replied but just about that topic. When the month was up I started talking to him very casually about things and sometimes he will reply carelessly and other times he will ask me things.

One day that we were speaking he asked if I wanted to talk about the topic, he seemed very eager and sad, I was not really ready so I put it off for like another week. Then I spoke to him and we spoke through facetime on the halloween weekend. Through that he seemed careless again kind of, he knew I had spoken to his friends and I of course I asked a lot about this girl and told him how he had emotionally cheated because of course he had flirted before with her to invite her to homecoming a week after breaking up with me. He said that nothing had happened and that “she broke his heart” cause apparently he wanted to have something with her but she told him she wanted to concentrate getting into college and she didn’t want to spend the whole year with one person, etc. Kind of hypocritical since he told me kind of the same when he broke up with me.

What I am having a lot of anger and trouble with is that he told me he wants to be in a relationship, like really? after 2 years of being together and we had already been planning to be together next year, just after a month of him breaking up with me he is already after other girls. But he keeps telling me he wants to be part of my life and that he wants to support me but he hasn’t spoke to me for about 2 weeks now and I dont want to be dog chasing him. It feels like he really doesn’t give a shit and just tells me things for me to feel better. What should I do? Should I call him on his bullshit? Should I not talk to him at all? Is there something I need to hear? Im just tired of suffering.

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Hello there love!

Like everything in this world, you have a choice to do what you feel is right. From what I’m getting from the story, is that you’re tired of all this needless drama. Judging from what you’ve told me, it seems he’s pretty confused himself, and he seems to have commitment issues for the time being. So you have a pretty wide range of options at this point. Since he’s waiting for your move, you have the upper hand on where you want to lead this relationship. Whether you want to keep him as a friend, maybe give him another chance, it’s really all up to you.

Being in Long Distance Relationships are difficult. Especially when you have to invest a lot of time and trust into the other. So, as soon as that trust starts to crack, if both parties don’t try to quickly repair it, the relationship will eventually break. Both parties also have to constantly work together. If even one person slacks off, and tries to pick it up later, it would be long too late. On that note, if he’s consistently hurting you by being cold and nonchalant about your feelings, before long it’s clear that you won’t take it. So here, if he’s constantly being confusing and being hot and cold, you have the choice to either not take it, and tell him straight up that you aren’t willing to play the waiting game blindly, or if you still believe there are fragments that can be picked up, you can continue to be with him. However, be wary of both options as both have their repercussions. If you choose to tell him that you won’t handle his games, it means that you are planning to agree to the prior agreement of breaking up and just staying as friends or strangers. If you plan to wait for him, you have the chance of being hurt even more, and there’s the chance that he won’t change his ways that you dislike, and you would always be receiving second-hand information around those who are mutual friends.

As for him, despite claiming that he really wants you to be his girlfriend, he has eyes for other people. Unless you’re okay with that, I don’t think it’s a very healthy relationship. Of course, these things happen, but if he refuses to change that’s a different story. Trust is a fundamental building block of a relationship. If you can’t even afford to give him that and/or he breaks it, it might be best to step back for awhile.

Also, from your story, it might be a good idea to take time off from each other. He’s clearly very confused, and you’re very tired of all his confusion. During that time, try to see what he’s trying to say, and more importantly, if you see that there’s a chance between you two. Different couples want different things in their s/o, and it’s no different for you two. See if being with him is really worth investing. Try to see if it’s him that changed, or if you’re the one changing for the better. Is there a reason why you fell for him? Does that reason still uphold? Is there traits that you still like about him? Have they disappeared? Why did you begin to date him? Is that still prominent enough for you to stay with/ leave him? These are questions that you should be asking yourself. If the cons outweigh the pros, than perhaps consider just being friends. Even though it’s true that feeling outweighs logic, you still have to look out for yourself, and remember to care for your wellbeing as well.

It’s great that your mutual friends are trying to help out, however if there are too many people involved, they naturally want to help, and most of the time, it makes the drama bigger. People can mishear things, over exaggerate, or even choose sides. It’s better to find someone who doesn’t have anything against either parties to act as a mediator, or as mutual messenger (can’t say they’ll enjoy being a messenger). But, try not to include others, as this can actually be detrimental than advantageous. Many friendships have broken apart or ended up fighting because things like this happen.

Whatever you choose to do, try to be the bigger person. This isn’t meant as an insult, it’s more of a recommendation. Try not to be too resentful of his actions, and even though you’re hurt, try not to inflict reciprocating emotional or physical pain. Ultimately, by learning to walk away, or confront your issues passively and calmly, not only shows what kind of person you are, but what kind of person you will become. By dealing with this in a classy way, it will show him what he’s missed out on, what he’s fallen for, or how lucky is.

~Ella ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

[thisaintascenereviews]

Album Review by Bradley Christensen AFI – Decemberunderground Record Label: Interscope Release Date: June 6 2006

My introductions to my reviews tend to go one of two ways – I talk about a concept or idea that relates to the album that I’ll be talking about, or I talk about my personal experiences with the band / artist, as well as memories that I have with them. Today’s review will fall into the latter, but this LP is one that goes back a long ways. California rock outfit AFI is one of the first bands I ever got into growing up. I remember picking up 2006’s Decemberunderground the weekend that it was released, and for whatever reason, I have a certain memory burned into my head. I was just getting into music, especially in the Alternative Press scene, but I bought the album one day, because I really enjoyed “Miss Murder.” Back in those days, I came across bands and artists while reading Alternative Press. It was a source for me, but I remember that album was advertised heavily. I picked it up, most likely at Target (because that’s where I got a lot of my music; I hadn’t heard of FYE yet, and I don’t think I went to Best Buy very often, either), but my parents wanted to listen to the album (at least a song or two from it), just to see what I was getting. It’s funny, because the song I remember listening to was “Kill Caustic,” one of the “heavier” songs on the album. I say that, because the song isn’t that heavy, it’s just got some screaming on it. It was heavy for my 12-year-old brain. I thought that was pretty intense, and I still do, honestly. That song’s pretty intense, but I remember they weren’t into the song at all. Even now, my dad was talking to me a couple of days ago, and I was just listening to the album, but he was like, “Why do you listen to that kind of music?” I couldn’t give him a simple answer, though, because I would end up going into a whole review, basically what I’m doing now.

I’ve been thinking of that memory a lot lately, just because of what I’ve been listening to. I’ve been revisiting a lot of older albums that I used to love as a pre-teen / early teenager, as well as getting into bands / albums that I remember from back in the day, but I never listened to. Decemberunderground is an album that falls into the former camp, because I definitely grew up with this album. I was super into it, but as with a lot of the music that I used to like, I thought I wouldn’t be all that crazy about it anymore, so I gave the album away. I never regretted that decision, since I could always get another copy if I wanted to hear it again, which is exactly what I did, actually. I thought it would be fun to listen to this LP again, so I picked it up, along with a ton of movies (which I’ll be watching throughout the weekend). I’ve been listening to Decemberunderground for the last week now, and the question of the hour is, well, how does it hold up? Surprisingly well, actually. This album is very good. It’s not great, as it does have some problems to it, but it’s held up pretty well throughout the last eleven years. The songs that I love, such as “Miss Murder,” “Summer Shudder,” and “Love Like Winter” are still very good, and even the songs that I never too huge into I’m enjoying a lot more. My favorite thing about this LP is its sound, and it’s a very diverse, interesting, and unique one. From what I’ve heard, AFI was more of a punk band for a long time, but this LP is more on the emo, post-hardcore, alt-rock spectrum. It’s all of those things, as well as a bit more, but some songs are a bit heavier and abrasive, others are smoother, serene, and sweet, whereas others are more energetic and catchy. There’s something for everyone on this record, at least if you can get past vocalist Davey Havok, because he’s one of the problems that I have with this album, well, sort of.

Havok is a good singer, and I don’t remember disliking his vocals at all, but the more that I listen to this album, especially years later, is that his voice is very, very whiny. If you’re into this vocal style, you won’t like his vocals. I can understand if you don’t like his vocals, especially to the point where it just ruins the album for you, because his vocals push my limits sometimes. He’s never bad, or awful, but his vocals definitely have a shrill whine to them. It makes me laugh, just because that was the vocal style of the mid-00s emo scene. That’s how a lot of bands were, but his vocals were very whiny. With that said, though, Havok does have a lot of range, power, and intensity. He’s a very intense vocalist, as well as emotional, and that’s part of why his whininess doesn’t bother me. He’s a very expressive vocalist, not to mention versatile. He pulls off every style of music that the album throws at him, whether it’s a bit on the heavier side (“Kill Caustic”), catchier side (“Love Like Winter” & “Miss Murder”), or a more atmospheric and mellow side (“Summer Shudder”). Havok is also an interesting lyricist, too, but again, it comes back to how much you can tolerate of the whiny, emo, and angsty style of music that was popular back in that time. This album is admittedly dated somewhat, but it’s in the best ways, frankly. I enjoy the lyrics here, despite how melodramatic and over the top they get, but that’s how it was. I mentioned this in my review of The Black Parade, that’s just how it was at the time, but I understand if someone doesn’t like that. The lyrics never get anything beyond really good, which is one of the problems that I have with this LP, but they’re totally fine. Even now, there’s nothing necessarily cringy or awful about them, and it’s wonderful when an album that you grew up with isn’t as bad as you remembered. In the case of this LP, it’s better than I remember, and it’s held up quite well.

Decemberunderground is an interesting album, though, and I can’t quite tell you how I’d feel about if I came across them today. This is one of those albums that always takes me back to when I was 12, and just getting into music for the first time. It’s not as timeless or as transcendent as Infinity On High by Fall Out Boy, but it gives me the same sense of nostalgia that The Black Parade does. I think I like this record a bit more than The Black Parade, but both albums are killer in their own right. AFI is a bit more of an interesting band, since their style has changed a lot over the years. They’re still around today, too, even though no one really cares that much about them, minus diehard fans. That’s how a lot of these bands are, actually. They’re doing their thing, much to the chagrin of their fans, but that’s the most important thing. This LP is interesting, and if you never got into this band growing up, or you’re curious about it, I’d listen to it. It’s worth the listen, because it’s got a lot of diversity, versatility, and flavor to it. AFI surely gave bands like Aiden and MCR a run for their money. If MCR were the biggest band in the scene around that time, AFI were right below them. Aiden was definitely the most underrated of the bunch, but I remember a lot of people listened to, as well as loved, Decemberunderground. This album is considered a scene favorite, but it’s not as well-revered as The Black Parade. With that said, though, if you’re a fan of MCR, Aiden, or practically any post-hardcore / emo band from the early to mid-00s, and you haven’t listened to this album yet, what are you waiting for? Definitely check this out, because you might have missed out on something awesome. I mean, I can’t say this album is amazing, and it’s a total masterpiece, but I still love it. It’s taken me years to really appreciate it, but it’s good to have another copy of this album. This wasn’t the album that made me fall in love with music, but I can still look back on this with fondness.