#Bro is confused between his many bald brothers...

[meangreennunseen]

So far my two favorite Primarchs are Magnus and Corvus, because both belong to "You did done fucked it up" scale, but to opposite sides spectrum.

Magnus "I have never done anything wrong in my life ever" the Red and Corvus "Jail for the Raven. Thousand years of jail for the Raven!" Corax my beloveds.

[bbrandy2002]

Fool’s Rush In

Part 10

I’m participating in @wackydrabbles​ prompt 71 “Dont be stubborn. Try it.”

Word Count: 1890

Pairing: Liam and Riley

Thanks @burnsoslow​ for beta reading and pretty much having to drag me across the finish line, as well as all the weeks and weeks of listening to me whine and pity myself.  And @emkay512​ for pre-reading and your encouraging words late Monday that made my whole night.

a/n: this is crack, plain and simple. I haven’t written since mid-october; just been paralyzed with fear over my own writing and this is my practice run and basically the best I could come up with. I’m going to try so so hard to finish this series

The new royal couple, fresh off their Vegas flight, stepped up to a makeshift podium the press had created on the tarmac. It was packed tightly with news station microphones crammed in every nook and cranny, one on top of the other. Voice recorders were spread across its surface, and the crown's private jet served as the backdrop. A bevy of frenzied reporters -- domestic and international -- pushed and elbowed their way into one another in hopes of getting the closest shot of the newlyweds and a chance to have their questions answered first.

“King Liam! Is the marriage binding?”

“How long have you known, Miss Brooks?”

“Were you trying to make a political statement by having a hooker at the ceremony?”

“Your Majesty! Will the monkey be joining your court soon?”

So many questions, most followed by laughter and snickers directed at the King and his bride.

Liam frowned as his eyes dashed side to side in a diligent effort to understand the literally thousands of questions that were lobbed at him all at once. He blinked rapidly as one flash of a camera after the next blinded and bleached his vision. Just as it would return to normal, another successive set of flashes would set him back again.

He had been a part of news conferences since he was a child, when he would watch his late father speak from different parts of the world, near and far, about this policy or that deal. Yet this was different. This was not only the biggest breaking story in Cordonia -- or even Europe -- but one that had swept the world. 

His drunken actions two nights ago, no doubt, would have created a stir; however, it was Maxwell's post on Instagram of the ceremony that now made him tabloid fodder. Everyone knew about the king who was married by his own brother and an Elvis impersonator, the leg-humping monkey that served as a ring bearer, and the chain-smoking, tube-top-wearing prostitute who was the maid of honor. As confident as Liam had been that he could handle this, as he'd dealt with so many other stories of intrigue regarding the monarchy, he couldn't dispel the twisting feeling that burrowed deep into the pit of his stomach.

Maybe Madeleine was right: he had become a laughingstock. A failure. Just one big fuck up.

As much as he hated to hear the things said about him, he could deal with it. In the morning, he would call Prince Harry to swap stories, survival tips, and perhaps share a good laugh about it.

It was just ...

Liam felt Riley's tiny hand grip his a little tighter. He wouldn't blame her one bit if his little pussycat turned around and headed back up the steps to the jet and returned to Las Vegas. The only thing Liam wanted to do was keep her shielded from the hurtful comments and insensitive questions. But to his astonishment, she stood there with all the feigned confidence in the world, flashing a big, beaming smile that lit his heart on fire, while staring back at him affectionately. She was handling the situation better than she was before they stepped off the plane. He knew she was doing it for him. God, she just makes everything better. 

Feeling a little more grounded and in control, Liam returned her smile. A touch of radiance sparkled between his eyes and hers, as if it were some sort of unspoken conversation only they understood. Riley knew exactly what he needed at that moment to rise above this scandal they were both being raked over the coals for: He needed her to be okay.

Raising his free hand to calm the crowd so that he might address their concerns, he noticed the press' attention and cameras suddenly shift away from him and into the distance. Murmurs and chatter soon erupted. Naturally, Liam's gaze followed suit -- towards a group of heavily-armed soldiers heading their way. They wore white hazmat uniforms and had self-contained breathing apparatus and personal protective equipment. Leading the charge was a well-dressed gentleman in a three-piece suit with a shiny bald head that glistened with heavy perspiration. 

He walked like he hadn't shit in weeks.

Liam squinted and lifted a hand to shield his eyes from the bright sunlight. “The hell is that?”

Riley inched closer to Liam and clasped his suit jacket. "What's happening right now? Who are all those people, Liam?"

Liam's forehead creased in puzzlement; he didn't know. Wrapping his arms protectively around Riley, he pulled her even closer but never answered the question. It wasn't until the uniformed men stopped briefly and pointed to Drake, who was standing with his arms crossed at the bottom of the stairs, that it suddenly became clear who they were looking for.

Reporters and onlookers had been so focused on Liam’s return with the American woman, they hadn’t noticed that the brooding Walker had exited the jet last among their posse. Just as everyone had watched replays and snippets of Maxwell’s Instagram video, they were also fully aware the King’s best friend wasn’t exactly returning to Cordonia … healthy … thanks to Maxwell’s Tik Tok sing-along. 

A video Drake Walker had no clue existed. 

 The crowd began to disperse in fear and panic. If men in hazmat suits were needed, they could only assume this went well beyond your casual, run-of-the-mill STD.

Still in no mood to play around, Drake started yelling obscenities and gradually backing away from the hazmat brigade that was closing in on him like a cheetah at a water buffalo hole. 

"Mr. Walker," a heavily echoed voice called out, sounding oddly reminiscent of Darth Vader through their breathing contraption, "we need you to come with us."

"The fuck I do." Drake shook his head emphatically while continuing to slide away from them. "I'll beat the shit out of all of ya if you so much as touch me."

"Now, Mr. Walker, don't be stubborn. Try it, and you'll find yourself with a nice little tranquilizer to the ass. Are you going to come with us willingly, or do we have to make this more difficult than it needs to be?"

Drake stood motionless in disbelief. "I don't even know what you guys want or what you think I did," he squawked with a hint of desperation in his tone.

"Tough titties. SEIZE HIM!"

With that order, Drake twisted on the heels of his boots and took off, dodging and weaving away from a bunch of men he had no clue why were even after him. 

He had a pretty good hunch, though, who set this chain of events in motion.

The bald guy in a three-piece suit walked up to Liam and flipped his badge open. "Your Majesty?"

Liam nodded, not bothering to acknowledge the man's credentials. "I am. What is the meaning of all this? What the hell are you doing with Drake?"

"Sir, if you will, it has come to our attention that Mr. Walker is a public health risk and highly contagious. We will have to secure him into our custody at once."

Liam scrunched up his face in utter confusion and stared back at the official before responding, “He just has case of crabs, syphilis, herpes, genital warts, gonorrhea, and chlamydia. You’re treating him like he’s about to start some damn worldwide pandemic. Without sexual contact and with heavy doses of medications and creams, Drake should be able to live a normal life like anyone else. So, as the ruler of this country, I am ordering your men to stand down at once.”

“My apologies, King Liam, but my orders come from the World Health Organization and the United Nations. You'll need to take this up with them. Dr. Wolfschitz was clear on the protocol."

"Dr. Wolfschitz?" Liam questioned as realization quickly set in. He twisted around to face Leo, who had this enormous shit-eating grin, the likes he'd never seen on him before. "You? You did this?"

“Walker messed with the wrong bull, little bro.” Leo stuck up his pointer fingers on both sides of his head with a menacing scowl and smugness in his tone. “Now he gets the horns.”

Liam swatted away one of Leo's finger horns. “This is serious, Leo. Not everything is a joke! You're going to fix this, NOW!"

Leo placed a comforting hand on his younger brother’s shoulder, patting it a few times before speaking softly to him. “Look, I know you’re upset right now. You two were very close. But the Drakester is going to a far better place. There’s a big open field and everything where he can run and play all day with others just like him. And all the meaty bones he can eat too … lucky bastard.”

Riley had to bury her face in Liam’s chest to prevent the laugh that threatened to escape, but the bobbing of her shoulders was something she couldn’t hide. 

“NOW, Leo!” 

Leo tried to hold his ground but was too weak to resist the impatient glare Liam was burning into his soul. After a brief moment, he rolled his eyes and let out a heavy sigh. "Why ya gotta be such a dillhole, Liam? Do you realize you get rattled faster than a two-tit turtle on a tightrope? It's really not your best quality, little brother, but we can work on that." Annoyed, Liam rubbed a hand over his eyes and groaned as his brother continued, "Either way, Father always said, ‘if you can't help your fellow man out, you might as well become one of the Walkers.’ Truer words were never spoken so eloquently.”  Leo raised his eyes to the heavens thoughtfully before thinking better of it and lowered them toward the ground. "May you rest in peace, Father," he shouted.

As Leo trotted off to speak with Bald Dude to confess his false claim, Bastien helped guide Liam and Riley through the rambunctious swarm of reporters and spectators. Once they reached the limo, Liam helped Riley inside as Maxwell rounded the vehicle and climbed in on the other side. Pausing for a moment before sliding in, the King placed his hands on top of the open door of the limo and turned one last time to check on his friend. He swallowed hard over the guilt of leaving him behind. As His Majesty watched in horror, Drake took a tranquilizer dart to the back of the thigh and Bastien insisted the area was a security threat, shoving him inside. They would send another car to transport Drake and Leo back to the palace. 

Bastien stomped on the gas pedal and sped off, kicking up dirt and smoke as the tires peeled and squealed against the fiery Cordonian asphalt.

When they passed through the airport's security gate, a small motorcade following closely behind, Liam finally lifted his head, his eyes growing wide when he realized what just happened: Bastien's shove had sent Liam flying across the seat to land face-first into a lap — her lap. 

He stayed frozen in place, unable to look anywhere but the two slender, bronzed legs peeking out below the hem of his new wife's dress. 

Riley lifted an eyebrow, a slight grin dangling from her plush pink lips. "Something you wanna say, Your Majesty?"

Everything that had just happened in the 15 minutes since they landed was long forgotten. Drake who? Liam glanced up with a devilish smirk. "Welcome to Cordonia, Pussycat."

@burnsoslow @dcbbw @ao719 @hopefulmoonobject @texaskitten30 @janezillow @merridithsmiscellany-blog @mskaneko @loveellamae @queenjilian @sirbeepsalot @drakexwillow @caroldxnvxrs @jovialyouthmusic @forthebrokenheartedthings @bebepac @kingliam2019 @lovablegranny @cordoniaqueensworld @amandablink

@liamxs-world @choiceskatie @iaminlovewithtrr @hopelessromanticmonie @charlotteg234 @annekebbphotography

@txemrn @ofpixelsandscribbles @alyssalauren @cordonianroyalty @monsoonblooms12 @mom2000aggie @theroyalheirshadowhunter @princessleac1 @kimmiedoo5 @graceful-leah @iam-the-kind-and-thoughtful @thegreentwin @gkittylove99 @cinnamonspongecake @lifeaskim @neotericthemis @pink-diamond13 @walker7519 @natureblooms24 @yourmajesty09

Liam x MC only: Cordonia-gothqueen

Anything with Drake: @tinkie1973

FRI Series Tags:  @sanchita012 ​  @narrytheworld ​  @queenwalton   @gabesmommie1130 @cordonianprincess   @liamandneca @emkay512 @waywardromancefantasygirl @nomadics-stuff @queendianaofcordonia @zaffrenotes @zilch3 @kat-tia801 @drrookie @sfb123

[rosesvioletshardy]

can we do it? - billy/four - chapter 3

chapter 3 is here and i’m surprised i’m still writing this story despite y’all don’t really read it (not really begging you guys to do so but it’s your choice) but it keeps me sort of busy until i get called into work and start school.

also this isn’t edited btw

summary: one team, seven people, two lovers, things are about to get crazy and zero and four don’t know if they can do it with everything that is going on

masterlist

# of words: 2,246

warnings: angst?, language, fluff?

taglist: (message or inbox me if you want to be tagged)

The next few days were a blur for everyone. Seven has officially met everyone but questioned as to why there were only six of them instead of eight and why they skipped six. Zero did the part and explained it to him despite One wanting her not to tell him and everyone could still see that she was grieving. One gave Four a talk about him and Zero and he felt more guilt than he could imagine. He didn’t know that One had practically forced her to say that they were only friends but even then she still wouldn’t talk to him. Not after the way he treated her. It was his turn with Seven to talk about what they do and talk about One. They were sitting in another trailer that wasn’t really occupied that he used to watch his shows that were filled with dvds with Wally the dog and the Beaver show One loved so much playing in the background. Four was sitting in a chair throwing random cds after seeing what they were as Seven asked him a question.

“Hey, what do you know about One?”

“Well, for starters, he loves Wally the dog. He’s obsessed with this beaver show. I think he’s an orphan now that I come to it actually. We got a little bet on it if you want to put some money in. He really got rid of every evidence about his existence that even Zero can’t find, but I think she knows.” he told him

“This is an interesting crew you got here, bro. How many missions have you guys run?”  he asked

“Counting Florence? Uh, one.” 

“One what?” Seven asked eyeing him confused

“Actually, no, there was, um this, like, mini-mission, so maybe one and a quarter. It was in Sicily. But Florence? Absolute shitshow. I mean, if I wasn’t there, probably more than one of us dead. That’s all I’m saying” four said turning to face him 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I don’t fuck around”

“You realize I just buried myself in front of my family and friends?” “Yeah, One told me about that. Big military funeral. Guns popping, flags. It was pretty cool. At my funeral, there were only five people there and two of them left before the end. It is tough watching your mum cry at your grave. I feel like mine is still cursing at my grave for it. Love that woman, I do miss her, but you get over it. Anyways, this mission. I got a good feeling. I got a really good feeling about this mission.” Four said with a proud smile

“Yeah. how come you can’t find this guy?” Seven asked looking at a picture of Rovach’s brother

“I don’t know. Zero can usually find anyone but she’s been off since the last mission and isn’t in the right headspace for it. I tried telling her to take a break but she isn’t listening. To me or the advice. The only thing she said was that Americans caught him a few years back.”

“Americans?”

“I don’t know. Maybe Zero has something to do with it? Maybe Two as well, she has some sort of training that seems like it would tie into it.  Not sure but that’s all she said and won’t tell me anything else without One’s permission.” Four told him as seven went and sat next to him

“What’s going on between the two of you? Are you guys dating? Did you date in the past? What is it?”

Four didn’t know how to answer the question because he still wasn’t over his feelings for her and neither was she but the two couldn’t be together and she wasn’t listening or talking to him. He sat there quietly as he tried to figure out something to say. 

“Well, there isn’t anything going on between us because One has this rule that none of us can hook up and if we do, it basically has to be if we are undercover, with someone else,  and it’s the last thing we need to do.” “But what about two and three? They seem like they’re hooking up.”

“Yeah I don’t know why he’s all up in our business when he should be paying attention to them but I think it has to do with the fact that we almost kissed and I guess he saw us. Which is really creepy if you think about it now. Also, maybe because he sees her as a little sister and he doesn’t want to get hurt again.” he said before finishing what he was talking about Rovach’s brother

“Back to what I was saying. The Americans caught him years back and gave him to his brother. The bald looking fella. You like him though, One?

“I mean, I guess I didn't really get to know him that much and we mainly talked about me. Feel like he was an asshole when he was younger.” Seven told him

 “Yeah he's definitely an asshole, but a likable asshole, no?”

“No.”

“Well, out of all of us, probably likes you the most.” four said

“What about Zero? She seems to be on his good side and close to him”

“Yeah she was the first one recruited and knows most of her past. Thinks of her like a little sister. They’re like twins but not twins. They’re both good at hiding their trails and finding people and all that. From what I’ve heard they actually had a run with each other when she used his tech to find out all this stuff on American politicians that almost got her arrested before all of this. They both realized how helpful this stuff is since the government doesn't help anyone.”

 One knew all about her past and he wondered if that was why he didn’t want someone like her to be with someone like Four but he didn’t tell either one of them that to make sure there wasn’t going to be drama between them.

“So you guys aren’t together? Even going behind his back and trying to secretly date?”

“No it’s too risky mate, and plus she said she only sees me as a brother and a friend”

“Damn. I haven't even known you guys a whole week and I think the two of you would’ve actually been good together.”

As they continued to talk, Zero walked past them and overheard the last of their conversation and how Seven liked her and Four together. It made her a little red until she remembered what One said and she continued to walk to where she was going. 

They haven’t done much besides try and figure out where the four generals were and figure out a plan as to who was going to get the information out of them. Deciding it should be Three and Two since they have the most training and are more qualified for it they got everything ready. Four and Zero have started to talk again and are slowly reforming the friendship they had before. He tried to make it look like he wasn’t hurt by the fact that the first person he liked didn’t like him back and that he wasn’t threatened about dating her. 

The day of the mission had everyone feeling nervous. Even though they had gone over everything they still felt like something was bound to go wrong like what happened in Florence. They had packed up everything they were going to need while in  Las Vegas after finding out who is in charge of handing off Rovach’s brother. After gathering in their “Batcave”, Zero started to list off everything that was going to happen when they get there and how they all needed to be careful

“Listen, there are pretty much cameras covering every single inch of Las Vegas. You have to be careful about what or who you decide to go as or else they’ll have your face plastered on the news within the minute. Rovach set the four generals up in the penthouse and there’s going to a party, so be careful of who you injure.” zero told them

“Don’t worry, I used to be a hitman. I got this.” Three told her as he started packing everything

“Didn’t you almost shoot Four before Florence?” Five asked smirking remembering the memory

“Nearly took my ear out. Couldn’t hear anything out of the left ear for almost a week” Four grumbled

“I paid you back with the spaghetti carbonara and the many beers.” 

The rest of the group couldn’t help but smile and laugh while One let out a sigh at the group he had created and how they were acting like children. 

“This means that you can’t fuck up and you have to choose wisely. Even though she’s going to be staying, Zero is going to keep an eye on all three of us at all times and stay in communication with us. Who knows what they’re going to do while they're there.”

“Please I’m a grown man. I can handle my shit. I know what i’m going to be though”

“Don’t think that’s how the expression goes. Don’t handle you shit, flush it down the toilet like a grown ass man. You have to disappear. One more thing, just because all three of us are going to be doesn’t mean any of you can do shit.” One said mainly aiming at Zero and Four as their eyes darted each other for a split second

Now, we’re done. Leave and get ready.” He finished

The rest of the night was just them getting everything prepared as Zero made sure every form of communication was connected to each other was hooked up with one another and her computers. The group disbanded and went their separate ways back to their trailers before Four stopped in his tracks wanting to talk to Zero. He waited until everyone had left the room before he talked to her. Why he wanted to talk to her was so he can make amends but he didn’t know if she would talk to him or even want to be alone with him so he decided he wasn’t going to do anything and left her alone. Before he left, he took one last look at her and the way she was focused on getting everything set up. Yeah, he knew people as quick and smart as her, but he never has met anyone who was just as kind as her and would rather deal with other people’s problems rather than take on her own. She has been like that since she was a child, always had this maternal instinct to make sure everyone’s needs were put first. Maybe that was why she was so reserved and didn’t talk much of her own life that night and she made sure he didn’t feel uncomfortable when talking about his past life. Rather than hanging out with the crowds and going to parties throughout high school and college all the time, she would focus on her studies, only going every now and then. 

Gathering up her stuff and the papers she had, but stopped as soon as she saw Four turn around and she didn’t stop him in time as he skated off back to his trailer. She let out a sigh and walked back to hers. It took her awhile to get adjusted to her new life and she still wasn’t used to how they lived. They had everything they could’ve asked for, yet it still didn’t feel like home for her no matter how many things she had with her from her past life. Turning on her music and getting ready for a bath to relax, she heard a knock on the door interrupting her quiet time. Setting everything down on the sink, she went back to the front. Opening the door she saw Four standing there with his hood up and hands in his pockets waiting.

“Hey”

“Hi”

The two stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before she remembered to invite him in instead of standing outside.

“I’m sorry, please come in.” she gestured moving out of the way letting Four step in. He looked around her place and noticed everything she talked about with him about herself and from what he saw that one time looked like everything she’d described. Vinyls were neatly stacked, fairy lights were hung all across, monitors that covered one corner of the room, and pictures of family and friends everywhere. He thought it felt right for her and more her style. The two of them walked over to her bed and sat down in quiet for what felt like forever before Four spoke up.

“I’m sorry.” 

“For what? You didn’t do anything wro-” she tried to tell him before getting interrupted by him

“Yes I did. I treated you like shit even by not talking to you and just overall being me” he said

“But you didn’t do anything wrong. If anything, it’s my fault I'm the one who had to hide away their true feelings and then forced to say something I didn’t want to say.”

“Zero please, cut the b-” Four started to say before he felt lips on top of his. 

At first, he was shocked until he loosened up and kissed her back. Their lips began to move together in sync as his hands moved to cup her face as hers snaked around his neck.

[trensu]

Episode 48: The One where JGY and SS Host a Pity Party and Everyone Wishes They Hadn't

The show just dunks us right into yunmeng bro feelings again

jc's all should i get on my knees and thank you?

and wwx is like i never wanted your thanks

and now jc is just spilling his insecurities all over the place

Blah wwx was always better than him blah blah everyone liked wwx more blah blah DADDY ISSUES blah blah blah

and wwx just looks more and more hurt as all this bitterness is pouring out of his little brother 😞

i mean even jl was like hey uncle, maybe don't do that???

lwj is glaring at jc the whole time ofc

and jc gets so mad he tries to start a physical fight EVEN THO HE HAS A GAPING STAB WOUND IN THE CHEST

which is actually quite hilarious if you ignore how utterly heartbreaking the yunmeng bros relationship is

thankfully jl and lxc hold him back (not that he could've gone very far bc again GAPING STAB WOUND)

and ofc lwj has to throw in his two cents

lwj: clan leader jiang. Discretion

oh lwj, a man of few words

Oh no, ohno, oh nooooo, jc’s starting on their oath oh god

“YOU SAID THAT I WOULD BE THE CLAN LEADER AND YOU WOULD BE MY SUBORDINATE. YOU WOULD ASSIST ME FOR LIFE”

“SO WHAT IF THE TWIN JADES OF GUSU ARE THERE. WE WERE THE TWIN HEROES OF YUNMENG”

*GROSS SOBBING*

CAN I TOO GET A GAPING STAB WOUND IN THE CHEST BC I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WOULD HURT LESS

OH GOD WWX'S EYES ARE ALL RED

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING. YOU TREAT ME LIKE A LITTLE FOOL."

OH THIS HURTS SO MUCH

that last bit, tho. i can't even hold that against him bc wwx DID lie to him. he DID neglect to trust him and his judgement. 

he took jc's choice away and made it for him, and that's not cool. 

and, like, i get it, I do bc i would probably want to do the same thing wwx did if i were in a similar situation with my own siblings

BUT STILL

jc: shouldn't i hate you? can't i hate you?

WHICH REALLY JUST TELLS ME THAT HE DOESN'T HATE WWX

HE WOULD NOT BE THIS TORN UP, THIS TEARFUL MESS, IF HE DIDN'T STILL LOVE HIS BROTHER AND WANT HIM BACK

this whole time jc is inching towards wwx, getting closer and closer until he's close enough to punch him if he wanted

Jc does make a sudden sharp movement towards wwx 

Which obvs has lwj jolting forward to protect wwx

But wwx IMMEDIATELY puts a hand on lwj's knee

jin ling darts forward to hold his uncle and is like, hanguang jun, my uncle's hurt!!

BC JC IS THE ONLY NOT EVIL AND/OR DEAD FAMILY HE HAS LEFT 

AND EVEN JL KNOWS THAT LWJ IS SO VERY WILLING TO HURT ANYONE WHO HURTS WWX

I AM HAVING TOO MANY EMOTIONS

jc's angry and hurting and is like i'm not afraid of lwj, come at me bro

lwj GLARES at him, brow furrowed and mouth pinched

jc: why? why wwx? why didn't you tell me?

oh god, he's not even yelling anymore, he's just fucking crying and i'm crying and there's just wet icky tears everywhere

wwx takes a shuddery breath and tells him it's bc he didn't want to see him like this

JC: you said i would be clan leader and you would be my subordinate. you would assist me for life. you'd never betray the jiang clan. you said it yourself

HE'S NOT YELLING. HE'S NOT EVEN ANGRY

his voice is weak, and shaky, and weepy and he's just so, so hurt

AND I'M A SOBBING MESS

and wwx swallows passed the lump in his throat but his voice still sounds a bit raw when he speaks

wwx: i'm sorry. i broke my promise.

FUCK 

FUCKING HELL

MY YUNMENG BROS

jc: we've reached this point. i don't need your apology now. i'm not that delicate

STFU JC, YOU BALD-FACED LIAR, "NOT THAT DELICATE" 

YOU'RE AS MUCH OF A SOBBING WRECK RN AS I AM

GET A THERAPIST JC

"NOT THAT DELICATE" I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE IS WHAT I'M GONNA DO. GOD. NOT THAT DELICATE

JC: i'm sorry

*sobsobsobsob* MY YUNMENG BROS

wwx: don't apologize to me. that's what i owed the jiang clan.

here wwx closes the distance between them to place a hand on his brother's arm

HUG HIM GOD DAMN IT, LET MY YUNMENG BROS HAVE A PROPER HUG

wwx: as for this matter, please don't keep it in your heart.

and he goes on to say smth like i know you probably won't let go, but it's water under the bridge, that was all stuff that happened in my past life

AND THEN HE REACHES UP AND GENTLY WIPES AWAY JC'S TEARS WITH HIS THUMB

AND GIVES HIM A SWEET LITTLE SMILE

AND I'M DYING. MY HEART HURTS SO MUCH I'M DYING

I SHOULD'VE KEPT A BOX OF TISSUES NEAR ME, MY SLEEVES ARE ALL SNOTTY AND DISGUSTING NOW, DAMN IT ALL

AND THAT WAS ONLY THE FIRST 10 MIN OF THE EPISODE WTF

I’VE BEEN REDUCED TO A SNIFFLING WEEPING MESS IN 10MIN FLAT WTF 

yunmeng bro moment ends (thank god) and we cut to the next scene where nhs is oh so conveniently regaining consciousness

now all the diggers are screaming to remind us that oh yeah, there's like Plot Stuff here, it's not just about the yunmeng bros

ss gives jgy some meds bc he's hurt or smth, who gives a damn

our boys follow jgy back to the dig site for Plot Reasons

and SURPRISE!! we have nmj's no-longer-headless dead body!!

lwj and wwx look at each other like WTF??

oooooh boy, nhs gave jgy the dirtiest look

wwx is being Clever again and pointing out Plot Relevant Things 

ss gets all offended and holds wwx at sword point 

but there's lwj with bichen in its scabbard, one step in front of him and ready to block anything ss sends their way bc lwj is not gonna let wwx get hurt if he can help it

ss is all like wwx you set him up! And wwx’s face is like, i aint even bovvered

wwx: i'm saying this with all modesty, but if i were the one who set him up, i'm afraid he wouldn't have just gotten one arm hurt

HOT DAMN

LOVE MY SUNSHINE BOY

and here my sunshine boy is being all Clever again and laying out all the facts and explaining how there's a 3rd party involved in all this

LOLOLOL HE'S REALLY PLAYING THIS UP FOR JGY TOO

he's like, there might be a predator behind you, the guy who's been spying on you this whole time...HE MIGHT NOT EVEN BE HUMAN

oh wwx, so Dramatic™

but hey it's working bc jgy looks spooked as hell

LOLOLOL

HE SEES JGY START FREAKING OUT AND HE LOOKS OVER TO LWJ AND GRINS AT HIM LIKE, HEY LAN ZHAN, SEE WHAT I DID, LOL, I SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF THIS LOSER, DID YOU SEE? 

oh, now wwx and jc are bound by the wrists but not lwj, for some reason? 

Which, rude, why deny lwj the chance to be tied up? Let him try new experiences! What if he likes to be tied up? 

NOW HE’LL NEVER KNOW BC YOU DIDN’T LET HIM TRY IT

jgy and ss have a moment that i don't care about but i have to mention it

bc RIGHT AFTER we see our precious beautiful sunshine boy lean WAY into lwj's space to talk shit about them

like, seriously, just a couple inches more, and wwx would be resting his cheek on lwj's shoulder 

IT'S WONDERFUL AND I WISH HE'D GET EVEN CLOSER

shockingly, lwj is NOT as distracted as i would be having wwx that close 

bc he's studying ss and SUDDENLY SEES HE'S GOT THE HUNDRED-HOLES CURSE ON HIM 

which btw, EWW?? THAT'S THE GROSSEST THING EVER 

I REALLY WISH THEY'D STOP SHOWING IT SO MUCH BC IT MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL

he tells ss to turn around to get a better look and wwx sees it too!! he's like, IT WAS YOU!!!

and for the audience's benefit, nhs goes to lxc and is all what's going on???

lxc and jc gives some exposition about blah blah blah stuff we know about already

amidst all this we keep getting shots of wwx looking stunned and hurt (but still oh-so-beautiful)

wwx: jgy, i didn't do anything against you back then. we were not even that familiar. you wanted to kill jzx. why did you push that on me?

HE LOOKS SO HURT AND ANGRY AND CONFUSED BC WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HIM? WHY DID JGY HAVE TO USE HIM??

and lwj is watching wwx while he shouts this and god how can he stand watching his soulmate be hurt over and over and over again?? HOW DOES HE COPE?

jgy does a mini Rant of Evil Explanation and ss does a rant about classism

which, if said by literally anybody else, i'd say hm, yes, you have a point 

but bc it's said by ss, a spineless coward who never takes responsibility for his own actions, i'm like STFU SS

omg lolololol

ss: would i have been swept out of lan clan like a pile of leaves [if I were highborn]??

AND ICE PRINCE LWJ ANSWERS ALMOST BEFORE SS COULD FINISH ASKING

lwj: Yes.

AND THEN HE LOOKS SS DEAD IN THE EYE

lwj: betrayers won't be tolerated by the lan clan

HELL FUCKING YEAH

YOU WEREN'T KICKED OUT BC YOU WERE LOW-BORN, SS

YOU WERE KICKED OUT BC YOU'RE A TRAITOROUS COWARD

and like, i need to point out that lwj is sitting cross legged on the ground right now (along with wwx, ofc) and ss is standing over him while ranting

and YET, the way lwj holds himself and the way he speaks, does in no way indicate that he's at a disadvantage here

dude's unflappable. JADE OF LAN, INDEED

ss is like i am so sick of your condescending attitude

then he's like just bc i made that one little mistake you could never forgive me!!

FUCKING EXCUSE ME??? 

LITTLE? LITTLE MISTAKE??? 

HOW MANY PEOPLE DIED BC OF YOU SS?

HOW MANY DIED BC YOU BETRAYED THEM??

ss continues to rant and starts to go off his rocker

and then wwx starts to laugh but it's not a happy laugh

it is, in fact, a laugh very similar to the laugh we heard in The One where the Moonlit Rooftop Betrays Us

ss is like, what's so funny???

wwx: nothing. i just didn't expect...

AND HE'S GETTING TEARY HERE EVEN AS HE LAUGHS

WWX: i didn't expect you to get so many people killed just for...just for this

HE LOOKS SO DISILLUSIONED

MY POOR PRECIOUS SUNSHINE BOY

THE WORLD KEEPS DISAPPOINTING HIM

omg i want to RING JGY'S NECK WITH ZIDIAN

HE'S GETTING ALL UP IN WWX'S FACE

TELLING HIM THAT NO MATTER HOW KIND OR CHIVALROUS HE IS, HE WILL ALWAYS BE BLAMED FOR ANY BAD THING THAT HAPPENS, THAT NO ONE WILL EVER BELIEVE OR TRUST HIM

FUCK YOU JGY I HATE YOU SO MUCH

MY POOR SUNSHINE BOY IS TREMBLING WITH RAGE

bc he knows it's true. ppl really ARE always going to suspect the yiling patriarch.

oooh, jc just defended his brother! sort of.

But it has the unfortunate side effect of drawing jgy’s attention

so now jgy is cutting into jc

god jgy talks a lot. stfu jgy.

wwx has been teary eyed on and off this entire episode so far but hasn't actually cried

but jgy is now belittling all of jc's work, all the effort he put in to rebuilding lotus pier, implying that he wouldn't have been able to do if not for wwx

and that's the breaking point, that's what makes wwx finally shed a tear.

lwj is watching wwx, as always, and sees wwx cry

he must feel utterly helpless

ooooh, MY CLEVER SUNSHINE BOY

EVEN AMIDST ALL THIS TERRIBLE EMOTIONAL PAIN, HE PICKED UP ON JGY'S TRIGGER WORD(S)

wwx: just a "son of a whore" made you talk so much

oooh jgy tries to leave but wwx stops him in his tracks by asking him how he killed nmj

and then he's like "aren't you afraid?"

CHILLS, MAN, I'M GETTING CHILLS AT HOW HE DELIVERS THIS

SO CALM, COOL AND COLLECTED YET TINGED WITH A THREAT

jgy: afraid of what? (lol he whirls around angrily like the Drama queen he is)

wwx leans forward and looks him dead in the eye

wwx: afraid of him coming back to you

AND THE SMIRK HE WEARS

THAT'S THE SMIRK OF THE YILING PATRIARCH 

He smirks and leans back against the pillar, all easy and relaxed while jgy looks freaked the fuck out

and then

THEN

WWX STARTS TO WHISTLE

RESENTFUL ENERGY COMES IN TO STROKE AT JGY'S ARM ALL MENACINGLY

I'M GETTING CHILLS ALL OVER 

THIS IS SUCH A BADASS MOVE ON WWX'S PART

and also, holy shit do i enjoy those close up shots of wwx's eyes and his beautiful beautiful lips

the sound team did a great job making those whistles sound super eerie, btw

i can't get over how cool and confident wwx looks here

he's not worried or bothered AT ALL, this is him doing what he does best

Wait, do i have a competency kink…?

LOL JGY JUST GOT BITCHSLAPPED BY RESENTFUL ENERGY, LOVE IT

wwx has stopped whistling now, which is unfortunate bc that means no more extreme close-ups on wwx's gorgeous features

jgy: yiling patriarch, you're worthy of your title, aren't you?

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT HE IS!

Okay yeah, i guess i have a competency kink now, THANKS A LOT WWX

FUCKING SU SHE JUST TRIED STABBING WWX

LWJ TO THE RESCUE, HELL YEAH

OUR MAN HANGUANG JUN LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND NOT ONLY BLOCKS THE STRIKE

HE FREAKING SLICES SU SHE'S WEAK ASS SWORD IN TWO 

THEN FOLLOWS UP WITH A SLICE AT SU SHE'S WRIST

I LOVE YOU HANGUANG JUN

Lwj calmly goes over to wwx and slices off the ropes that were keeping his wrists tied and does the same to jc

wwx goes up to jgy (who's held at sword point by lxc) and calmly takes his weapons

wwx: jgy, hand it over. it's not of much use in your hands.

with a deceivingly dainty clink, Plot Device 3 rolls out of jgy's sleeve and into his hand

then he lets it fall to the ground bc he's a petty bitch that way

we get to see wwx being all Smart Detective and revealing just how long jgy has been planning all this 

jgy’s all like even between me and xy we could only create Plot Device 3 half as powerful as Plot Device 2

LOLOL THAT'S BC THE TWO OF YOU ARE WORTHLESS HACKS.

WWX HAS MORE SKILL AND TALENT IN HIS PINKY FINGER THAN THE BOTH OF YOU COMBINED

man there's a lot of Plot Exposition happening and lxc is having Feelings about it.

DON'T FUCKING LOWER YOUR SWORD LXC WHAT ARE YOU DOING

look lxc, i don't mean to sound cruel or heartless or whatever, but omg i do NOT CARE about your complicated Emotions right now

NOT WHEN IT'S GIVING JGY THE OPENING TO MANIPULATE AN ESCAPE

jgy is now being like "oh, i was wrong" and acting all pitiful and TOTALLY PLAYING LXC FOR A FOOL (AGAIN)

wwx: hey, jgy, can't we stop talking? let's just fight? can we just start killing each other?

LOLOLOLOLOL 

HE TOTALLY SAW THAT JGY WAS MANIPULATING THE SITUATION AGAIN AND IS LIKE, NOPE, NOT DOING THAT AGAIN

LESS WORDS MORE SWORDS PLZ

LIKE, MY BOY IS JUST DONE. HE IS DONE WITH THIS. LET'S GET TO THE FIGHT NOW THX.

jgy ignores this and keeps talking to lxc AND OMG WWX'S FAAAAACE IS CRACKING ME UP 

GOD WORDS ARE NOT GONNA DO IT JUSTICE

HE JUST LOOKS AT JGY FOR A SECOND LIKE, SRSLY BRO? BEFORE ROLLING HIS EYES AND SCRUNCHING UP HIS EYEBROWS LIKE "CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS GUY, JFC"

IT'S SO FREAKING FUNNY OMG

meanwhile jgy continues to throw a pity party that no one likes and the episode ends

There really wasn’t much wangxian time in this episode, fucking jgy and ss decided to HOG ALL THE SCREEN TIME, THOSE PATHETIC WHINY ASSHOLES

but we got a lot of Yungmeng Bros which was painful but waaaay better than anything jgy or ss has to offer

Return to Masterpost

[vacantbloodbones]

The Disappointing Crimes of JKR

so it’s 2 am and I have a fight to finally get home (i’ve been MIA for a while because I needed a vacation tbh) THIS IS A LOOOONG ONE, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED! but on one of my flights I finally got to watch FB2 and it’s taken me a while to gather my thoughts. Like, I knew the disappointing confusion I was signing up for... I had seen SO many YT reviews on the film and from HP fans to just FB1 fans had gathered their opinions... and it was all negative...  So I had my apprehension going into watching this (thank fuck it was free) and I’ve got a lot of my own opinions to say... So if you are aware of myself, you know that I actually loved FB1 and how the flow and characters went. Genuinely, I think as a stand alone film it was actually a good, comprehensive piece of story and film; you had exposition, build up, character development, tension, climax and fallout/outro/conclusion...  So, what went OH SO WRONG in FB2, in my humble-ass opinion?  Well, lets get into this adventure with me, pals... stick with me as I rant my good ol’ heart out, grab some snacks, a drink, maybe some liquor of choice (in my case).  In the beginning, there was... well, absolute confusion??? For an entrance into a film, especially a franchise that has a previous film, I firmly believe there needs to be SOMETHING that explains and ties the previous entry to the latest one... Especially since this series hinges on a handful of characters (Newt, Tina, Credence, Grindelwald, and Queenie + Jacob) and to just throw us into Gellert’s VERY confusing transfer to Europe’s Ministry to answer for his crimes... The intro threw me off; there’s a time jump and there’s an extreme LACK of having our previously established characters development and fallout from the first film being EXPLAINED so we (audience) can make a connection to this next entry.  Like, Credence’s survival (yes, I’m well aware of the deleted scenes that were actually supposed to be shown at the end of FB1 according to Yates...) because we don’t get to connect the dots on screen of HOW and WHY Credence and his Obscurus survived with the additional information of his Obscurus being HANDLED (like, wasn’t the premise of the previous film the urgency of how this THING was going to KILL him and EVERYONE in NYC?), him finding his adoption paper, getting to Paris and into a travelling circus (which, also... makes no sense??)... We’ll put a pin on that for a bit here...  Also, Tina and Newt’s relationship; we really are left wondering how and why they are even romantically involved as the first film established them as strangers to mutual friends at the end... Something that should’ve been shown on screen could’ve been Newt choosing to continue his Beasts studies and books over staying and risking himself being in America for his love interest, Tina. Again, put a pin on that for now...  But instead, I just felt the into to the film was as vapid as JKR’s writing when she simply just doesn’t care for CONTINUITY and actually making sense of ANYTHING.  But nnnooooo, we just get an hour and a half of meaningless exposition and threads that aren’t even expanded or given closure to...  Gellert putting Abernathy as his doppelganger really pissed me off, because we never are shown an inkling as to WHY Abernathy chose or perhaps had always been on Gellert’s side (could’ve even expanded on the idea of Abernathy playing a role in Percival’s capture/implied death in the first film)... Even Seraphina doesn’t mention or show ANYTHING about their most powerful wandless wizard being GONE... he was SOMEONE alive and WORKING in MACUSA for a substantial amount of time... that had connections, powers above anyone, and obvious trust and influence to Seraphina... which also begs the question, why is there such a heavy emphasis on Gellert using his wand magic, when he had been using wandless while impersonating Mr. Graves?  Now, to get into another huge issue; character development continuity: How did the time jump from the intro give us very DIFFERENT characters than the one’s we had been introduced, learned to love/hate be turned into vacant shells of all their development?  Like, I’m sorry but what in the actual FUCK did JKR do with Queenie’s character? She seemed like a genuinely sweet and subtly powerful witch that used her gifts to her advantage... to this, desperate, powerless, and lost character? The Queenie we were shown had a sparkle for adventure and curiosity that gradually came to admire Jacob and truly was heart broken when his memory was erased--to kidnapping him, putting a love charm against his will, and forcing him to go to London with her? She acted the very opposite of who she is and she seemed to have strong morals to stand by her sister’s side, help no-maj’s out, and using her powers for what she felt was right.... To being hapless in Paris, because she wouldn’t own up to her kidnapping and using magic on Jacob against his will, and then DECIDING to JOIN Gellert’s very VAGUE AND STRANGE CULT.  Newt seemed more like a confused boy the entire installment with flashes of him and his abilities with connecting to beasts, thrown into this second installment as a reminder that “fantastic beasts” is in the title of the movie...  Also the broken up dialogue; I DIDNT GET A SINGLE STRAIGHT ANSWER IN ANY GODDAMN CONVERSATION HELD BY ANY CHARACTER! like WOW for a two hour+ movie I got ZERO dialogue that made me go ‘ahhh i get it now!’ no, everyone was running away from each other like a grade-school gym dance.  Jacob was still, sort of, Jacob... but he and Newt’s friendship didn’t feel authentic in this film as it did in the previous. The banter (or lack thereof) was kind of just a callback to me of saying ‘ahahaha, dont you remember Jacob being funny in the last movie????? well look at this funny moment thats totally not needed!’  EVERYONE AVOIDING EACH OTHER FROM MISCOMMUNICATION LIKE THEYRE TEENAGERS REALLY MADE THE ADULT TONE OF THE LAST FILM JUST FALL FLAT... I had screamed internally every time some interaction happened and then someone RUNS AWAY! like, aren’t they adults??? even HP films has young TEENS being more accountable and willing to talk than every adult in this MOVIE.  Lets get into Gellert’s confusing vague cult of reasoning; Gellert’s wishes and aspirations and him killing people and children to comparing his reasoning that he will stop WW2 with his hookah skull... just didn’t make sense, I’ll also add that Gellert’s LACK of character really just pissed me off, like, Voldemort wasn’t revealed until waaaay later and even when he was a face on the back of someone’s bald ass head; made a more CONVINCING and REASONED character with his motives. Gellert just seemed like a casual shit disturber and running a murderous vague cult because Albus won’t do shit and he knows it... He’s like an angsty teenager that never got had someone sit and hug it out type deal. Also, the way he treats his followers and the lack of showing HOW he got so many followers; like, I’m sorry but how did this angsty man-baby get followers???? Oh, right, he used his words that... AGAIN, fall goddamn short even when we FINALLY got to see his “gathering” and “speech” that was so hyped for almost 2 hours... It didn’t make sense to his reasoning or why he was acting out IMHO.  Alright, now let’s get to the character introduction... or really, half-assed intro to the many people I COULDNT CARE FOR... Expect my personal surprise with Theseus, we’re introduced to a man that seems more compelling and complex than Gellert (seriously tbh). Somehow we’re led to believe a guy who constantly (as we’re shown) to reach out to Newt that HES the one making their relationship complicated? When it becomes apparent that Leta and Newt are the two with complicated history and Theseus loves them both deeply????? Enough that he just stands back knowing damn well Newt and Leta have a past but he’s secure in his relationship between all both people he just wants them all to get along. Now, I get that Theseus wants Newt to be an Aura, but we’re also shown he has his reasons to help Newt (ultimately); Theseus showed more character development than ANYONE in this ENTIRE MOVIE (well Albus is second in this) but him CHASING HIS BROTHER TO GET ANSWERS is somehow ‘BAD TEMPER’ according to Tina... like really, almost all the female characters were lacking level-headed sanity purposely written by JKR so I would resent the characters I had grown to actually like???? Nagini is just thrown into the plot as a mother-like figure for Credence but Credence is displayed as some selfish man-child, he can’t reason with Nagini and it leads to their strange relationship ending with Nagini feeling betrayed. And then there’s Leta and her over-played storyline to be cut short by her sacrifice that literally didn’t do anything for the plot but make me want to punch a wall because Theseus is left with a broken heart and a brother who will ditch him in a minute to talk to Albus...  There were other characters that were so lacking in development that if any or all of them died, I felt like I could still sleep like a baby knowing that JKR had made such shitty vapid characters and lack of development, I felt NOTHING for practically everyone. Albus, Theseus, and Queenie had the most emotional complexity but even then, I’m giving them kudos because everything else was lacking so much I clung onto whoever threw an emotional fit first.  The whole dynamic between Albus, Gellert, and Credence really just angered me. Red herring the entire premise of Credence wanting to know his identity so DESPERATELY he was willing to join Gellert’s vague emo posse of a cult, only to be revealed as not a Lestrange (which we had been hyped tf up to know) as, instead, THE BRO ALBUS AND NOBODY IN THE HP UNIVERSE APPARENTLY KNEW OR WAS EVER EXPLAINED JUST WHY ALBUS’ BABY BROTHER IS ON A BOAT TO AMERICA (i’M GUESSING THIS EXPOSITION WILL BE EXCRUCIATINGLY TOLD ONLY TO BE SOME OTHER LIE AND BAM CREE IS DEAD)???? But YES lets not elaborate on the queer baiting of Credence, Albus, and Gellert... JKR just wanted to hype us up for nothing and all of Credence’s development and complexity is summed up to ‘lol ur a dumbledore, cree’ really is a slap to the face. Albus being trapped a majority at the school was a half-ass way for us to not have Albus confront Credence to get him to fin d his answers at Hogwarts... Lets be real.  But basically, everyone wasn’t themselves, people we were introduced to were flatlined or placed in stereotypical tropes, and every exposition turn was a red herring thats never elaborated on or concluded... the lack of goddamn comprehensive dialogue, and we got queer baited by the ever infamous JKR....  and my final take: WHERE THE FUCK IS PERCIVAL GRAVES?????  So, this was my long-ass ranting about this movie and why I probably watched it for the criminal reasoning to hurt myself and be disappointed in the end... Was i surprised? NO.  Am I going to watch the next installment... maybe... just for closure to this epic failure of a second installment.  Thanks for making it to the end, I hope this was less painful than the actual film. 

[specialmindz]

“NYEH HEE HEE!”

“you having fun bro?”

“Yeah...you’s so nice to da’ baby Snas, I loves you good...” The baby bones continued to giggle happily while Flowey glared at him from the air vent.

“WHY do you have to say it like that? Can’t you say ‘I love you’ like a normal person? Why do you have to talk like baby Gollum?”

“You be ki-et tricksy flower! I’s dancing wit mah precious!”

“heh heh ha ha ha!”

Rolling his eyes, Flowey reached down with a vine and scooped up a nearby book. He couldn’t see what book he had, but it didn’t really matter; he had read all the books in the Nursery a thousand times already.

I wish I could leave the lab whenever I wanted, but I’m pretty sure I’ll burn up if I try to cross Hotland without Smiley.

The Lab entrance may have been only a few steps away from Waterfall, but the temperatures were still dangerous for plant life, and with no crystals to power the air purifiers in the Underground, Hotland had become even MORE deadly. The toxic gases from the volcanic activity had resulted in an increase of sick monsters; so much so, that the Medical Ward had to be expanded to accommodate them all.

Things are getting so bad down here...is Dad’s kingdom gonna fall? We have no power, no air, no jobs, no technology...

“Must be nice being a big stupid baby with no problems or responsibilities whatsoever.”

“Nyeh?” Papyrus looked at him quizzically. “What chu talkin’ bout’ Dirt-butt? I gots problems, BABY problems...”

“Oh yeah? What’s wrong? Did you run out of toys to break? New things to slobber all over?”

The baby bones crawled over to his toybox and reached inside, pulling out a box of crayons. “See here Dirt-butt? See these crayow-ns?” He turned the box upside down.

CLACK, CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK!

“nice pap.”

“They were pointy and nice once, but now they all flat and broked. Is real sad...”

“So?”

“So I can’t draw wit them good no more! I try and I try, but da’ paper get in the way and I gots to peel it off allll da’ time now.”

“Oh you poor poor thing,” said Flowey turning a page.

“Yeah...the broked ones confuse the baby, cause’ I doesn’t know all my colors yet and I thinks one of the two or-an-ges be red orange and it mess up my drawing!”

“I’m gonna start crying any minute.”

Spoiled little-

“Aw, don’t cry Dirt-butt! Snas gonna get me new cuhweres.���

“i’m getting you new colors?” Sans raised a brow. “and when exactly did i say that?”

“Just now Smiley. You’re soooo nice! Isn’t he the BEST Pappy?”

The baby nodded, smiling. “Yep! My big Buther treat me nice, even if he don’t wash my butt.”

“...What?”

“you can wash your own butt, and you can pick up all these crayons now too.”

“Nope. Can’t. I’s just a baby, so my hand-eye coooord-nation’s not good yet.” Papyrus picked up a crayon and promptly dropped it on the floor to illustrate his point.

“that was nowhere near the box.”

“I know, cause’ I’s a baby.”

“you didn’t even LOOK at it.”

“Cause’ I doesn’t know where it is. I don’t gots da’ object per-me-nance. Dat box is gone forever...”

“pick up your crayons papyrus.”

CA-CACK!

Flowey dropped the book he was reading down from the air vent and onto the floor nonchalant. It was obvious Papyrus was trolling, at least, it was obvious to him, but apparently Sans wasn’t catching on.

“I pick uuup...dis crayow-n.”

“noooo, you’ll pick up ALL of your crayons-”

“I pick up dis crayow-n and I draws on da’ wall.”

“and i’ll bust your little ass. DROP IT.”

“I’ll drop it when I’s done wit the wall-”

“PAPYRUS!”

“Would you be quiet Smiley? You’re giving him what he wants.”

“he wants me to yell at him?”

“He wants your ATTENTION-”

CACK, CACK CACK! 

“bro!”

“NYEH! Nnnnyeh!” Papyrus grabbed a handful of crayons and threw them at the air vent.

CACK CA-CACK CACK CACK!

“Yeah, way to break more of your crayons genius.”

“Nyeh hee hee hee! NYEH!”

CACK!

Sans sighed upon looking at the mess his brother was currently making. NOW he had to not only fit all the crayons in the box one by one (which he hated), but also FIND them all. His baby brother didn’t have a lot of toys, but he made up for it with how many pieces they were in; it would take forever to rummage through the colorful array of broken doll limbs, legos, puzzle pieces, drawings, and fluff from his torn up stuffed animals…

“why do you do these things pap? you know there are monsters out there that don’t have a single toy to play with and here you are breaking all of yours. you think that’s right?”

“Nyeh? Baby earned those toys! I’s da’ one dat go looking for them at the Dump and stuff! Those other babies can kiss my tiny hiney, is not MY fault they don’t search for stuffs like I do; they lazy as hell!”

“Um news flash brat, most babies don’t walk OR talk,” said Flowey frowning. “We just happen to be very unlucky with you.”

“So? They gots big buthers and sissies to do it for them. All they gots to do is cry and the bigger babies probly think ‘aww, my poor widdle buther/sister don’t gots any toys to pay wit. I should go out and get some for them cause’ they’re cute.’

“i’ve never thought that in my life, also, ‘bigger babies?’ i’m not a baby pap.”

“Nyeh heh heh, yes you are silly baby! You’s just fat and smart like me!”

“no really-“

“Except for da’ fat part.”

“…no really, I’m not a baby anymore.”

Friggen’  brat.

“Hm?” Papyrus looked at him with confusion. “But you smells like a baby…”

“because i’m always carrying you.”

“…And you’s bald like a baby…”

“because i’m a skeleton. dad’s bald too bro.”

“Yeah, but dat’s cause’ he old. Old peoples don’t gots hair Snas, erybody knows dat! Besides, you also cry like a baby and you pay baby games wit me.” 

“i don’t cry like a baby!” 

“Yes you do. You’s in denial big Buther. Ya’ gots to embrace da’ cute!”

Flowey picked up another book feeling slightly odd. It had always been quiet in HIS household. His mother and father spent most of their time reading, as did Chara who wasn’t a big talker to begin with, and that left Flowey with no one to really talk to. 

NOW all I want is for people to shut the hell up. Papyrus is so chatty...is he still talking?

He looked down between the slides in the air vent to see that the baby was, in fact, still causing problems.

“Is dat why you eat so much? You trying to get big faster Snas?”

“i’m not fat!”

“You racing baby to the sparklies? You’s trying to get there first?”

“shut up papyrus!”

“Uh oh! Looks like the baby’s cranky Pappy,” said Flowey suppressing a laugh. “You better stop or he’ll start crying again.”

“Nyeh? You cranky Snas?”

“NO!”

“You needs me to wash yo’ butt?”

“i need you to pick up these crayons!”

CA-THUMP!

Suddenly the door to the Nursery flew open with such force that the doorknob slammed into the wall. “Sans, could you PLEASE be quiet?! I’m in the middle of researching something very important and I don’t need another demon baby making noise! Really, I expected this sort of thing out of Papyrus, not from you!”

“HE WON’T PICK UP HIS CRAYONS DAD!”

“I don’t care! I’m very busy trying to save the Underground and I don’t have time for your childish nonsense!” And with that, the irate scientist turned to leave...only to find that a baby bones was now attached to his leg.

“Get off. My. LEG.”

“Kay’, but first you gotta tell Snas he a baby,” said Papyrus smiling at nothing.

“Why? So you two can argue some more? STOP CHEWING ON MY PANTS PAPYRUS!”

“Mamph...no.”

Gaster shook his leg furiously, unable to simply pry him off due to the amount of papers he was holding. “SANS! GET YOUR BROTHER BEFORE I THROW HIM ACROSS THE ROOM!”

“*sigh* alright, c’mere baby bro...”

“NYEH! NO!” Papyrus kicked his own leg at Sans as his older sibling came near, arms held out to pick him up. “Go way Snas, dis Pappy and Daddy time!”

“Noooo, this is the time to let go before you wind up in an orphanage!”

Not that anyone would take you. I’d probably be sued for emotional distress.

Ignoring his family, Papyrus snuggled up to his father’s leg, hoping to go for a ride. If he held on long enough, Sans and Gaster would eventually give up; that’s what they usually did anyway. 

“WHY do these three always have to fight? It was never this loud in MY family...” Flowey rubbed his temple with a vine, trying to will away a headache and keep himself from yelling. It was one thing if Papyrus found who he was, but it was altogether another if GASTER knew. He would no doubt be experimented on even if he DIDN’T know he was the prince, as there were no talking flowers in the Underground. 

In truth Flowey was taking a big risk even whispering to himself the way he was. Monsters these days that were sent to the Medical Ward were being reported as “deceased” later on, and he knew exactly why.

They were being drained of their magic.

In order to conduct power for the Underground, Gaster had turned to extracting magic from his patients. He planned to somehow convert it into electricity without the use of a crystal, but that meant he needed a large source of magic to experiment with and no one who knew about Papyrus and the rumors surrounding the lab would volunteer. It’s not like Flowey BLAMED them, or Gaster for that matter, but he wouldn’t want to be in their shoes either.

If this nerd isn’t using money as a lure, then he must not be getting paid as much as he used to. I guess since the royal guard is such trash, people are turning to crime rather than trying to find a job or whatever. That probably means they’re not paying their taxes too. No taxes means no money for Jibber-Jabber over here, and THAT means more dead monsters.

“Fools. They cause their own destruction.”

“Hm? What was that?” Gaster looked around the room, hearing a voice echo from somewhere.

OH CRAP!

The tiny plant put a leaf over his mouth, not trusting himself not to blurt out another sentence. 

DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT! 

HE’S GONNA FIND ME!

HE”S GONNA FIND ME!

WHY DID I HAVE TO RUN MY BIG STUPID MOUTH?!

“Nyeh heh heh heh! Weeee!” The baby bones laughed happily as Gaster began looking around the Nursery. 

He had definitely heard a voice.

Didn’t Sans say something about hearing voices...?  

“Whoever’s in here, come out. You’re violating the law. This area is off-limits to the public.”

Screw you nerd! I’m not stupid. Go back to whatever rock you crawled off of!

“he’s not gonna come out dad.”

DAMNIT SMILEY!

“he sometimes does, but mostly he stays in the air vent to avoid Papyrus.”

OH MY GOD I HATE YOU!

“Well your little friend just earned himself a trip to the Medical Ward.”

“huh? but he’s not si-DAD!” Sans cried out in horror as he watched his father turn the thermostat up.

“wait, stop! you’ll burn him!”

“He’s a criminal Sans. I gave him a chance to come out and he refused.”

“that doesn’t mean you can just kill him! TURN IT OFF!”

“Nnn..nyeh...? Snas?”

The kid comedian jumped for the thermostat, but came up short. “TURN IT OFF DAD! THIS ISN’T FUNNY!!” 

���Trespassing is not a joke child-”

“PAPYRUS MAKE HIM TURN IT OFF!!!”

“Hmph! As if that infant has any pow-” 

“Turn it off.”

“Hm?” Looking down, Gaster was greeted with a very annoyed baby, his eyes glowing a bright angry orange. “And why should I?” asked the scientist adjusting his weight. 

These papers are getting heavy...

“Cause’ I got your leg douche canoe. Turn it off or face baby’s wrath.”

“Psh, I am NOT scared of yo-AH!”

CROOSH!

Gaster yelped as the infant sunk his teeth into his leg causing him to drop his paperwork all over the floor.

“YOU LITTLE-RUH!”

“NYEHHHHHHHH!”

With an unexpected kick, Papyrus went flying across the room luckily landing in his brother’s arms.

“UHG, GOTCHA!”

 “Snas...”

“you freaking jerk! you can’t just kick a baby!”

“I didn’t kick him, I threw him off. I can do whatever I wish anyway, because I’M an adult!”

“YOU AH-BOOZE DA’ BABY!” 

“I didn’t kick you!”

“I’S TELLIN’ FLUFFY BUNS!”

“Fluffy what?”

“AH! MOTHER-FUCKER! WHO THE HELL TURNED ON THE THERMOSTAT?!” Flowey quickly stood upon the book he was reading to spare his roots from the metal flooring he had been previously on. “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY YOU PSYCHOPATH?! WAIT TILL EVERYONE HEARS ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO THESE MONSTERS! I’M TELLING THE KING, I’M TELLING YOU’RE ASSISTANTS, I’M TELLING YOUR MOTHER!” He blew on his roots to dull the pain he was in, glaring daggers at the scientist.

“I’m calling YOUR mother. What’s your phone number child?” asked Gaster getting out his phone.

“My number? Oh sure thing, I’m REALLY gonna give some CREEP MY phone number. GO BACK TO YOUR TORTURE ROOM AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“torture room...? what’s he talking about dad?”

“I’M TALKING ABOUT ALL THE SICK MONSTERS HE’S DRAINING MAGIC FROM TO FUEL HIS STUPID MACHINES!” yelled Flowey angrily. It probably wasn’t too good an idea to be spouting everything he knew about the royal scientist’s experiments, but he was already caught so…

If I’m going down, I’m taking him with me. EVERYbody’s gonna know about his crap! I don’t care HOW pissed this nerd gets!

And pissed he was. If he had spent more time exercising, Gaster would have no doubt crushed his phone he was squeezing it so hard. 

It would be difficult to make a healthy child disappear, as children were considered the Undergrounds second brightest hope. Parents all over were training them young in the ways of magic, praying that one day the combined strength of their little ones would one day be enough to break the barrier the parents had foolishly put up. If ANY child went missing, it was a big deal and the punishment was nothing to scoff at.

Grrah! I want this cretin DEAD, but his parents would go on a witch hunt looking for him and I’m already looking suspicious.

…

Then again, Sans said he was hearing this brat’s voice some time ago. How long has he been away from home I wonder? Do his parents even care that he’s gone? I’ve not heard word of any missing children as of late...

“How old are you, err…”

“Dirt-butt.”

“D-Dirt-butt. Right. How old are you Dirt-butt?”

“Nyeh hee hee hee hee!”

“Who cares?” replied Flowey stubbornly. “Why don’t you get lost idiot? I’m not looking to be friends with a murderer. I have a rep to think about, and every moment I’m seen talking to a nerd like you, damages it.”

“So you’re popular then?”

Damn.

“Of course I’m popular! I know everyone in the Underground and they ALL love me! I’m the cutest…fl-uh…flame elemental in the world.”

“You’re a flame elemental?”

“Y-Yeah?”

“A flame elemental who hates heat?”

“…”

“…”

“…Yes.”

There was a long pause before the scientist finally left the room with a sigh, not bothering to pick up his papers. Whoever this was obviously had no intention of telling him the truth.

I REALLY hope this little menace is a runaway, otherwise he could ruin everything. He won’t go to the public if he’s hiding from his parents, but if I’m wrong…

CA-THUNK!

“HA HA! SUCK IT NERD! I’m NOT a flame elemental and my name ISN’T Dirt-butt! HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

Score one for Flowey the Genius, ohhhh yeah!

C-CICK!

Papyrus gave Flowey a thumbs up whilst munching on a crayon. “Ho-way for Dir-butt!”

“...”

[thefragileblackdahlia]

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester: Part two

Chapter Summary

The brothers and Ariel deduce a witch is sacrificing people to summon a dangerous demon. Dean struggles with the consequences of Ariel’s behavior.

Pairing(s): Eventual Dean x Ariel, Castiel x Ariel

Warning(s): Heavy Angst, MAJOR Character Death, Fluff (if you squint), Typical SUPERNATURAL Violence, Mild Language

A/N: This episode will focus heavily on Ariel’s POV. It is still in 3rd person but centered around her experiences. So it won’t involve much of the episode besides the parts i find crucial. Please feel free to leave feedback.

Beta’d by no one

Word count: 2,737

Ariel’s outfits

MOTEL

OCTOBER 31ST, 2008

Sam had only left the room for about 2 minutes before the angels came flying in. A pair of shackles were slapped around her wrists, Enochian magic etched into them to prevent her from going anywhere.

"Castiel?" Ariel queried.

"I'm sorry." Castiel threw the blade at Ariel; it plunging deep into her chest. The soldier flew behind the angel and grabbed the edge, plunging it deeper into her before pulling it out and penetrating her side.

"Cassie?" Ariel whimpered, wrapping her hands around his that held the blade in place.

Cas removed the blade and cocked his arm back, sinking the blade between her shoulder blades. He knew that it wouldn't kill her, just fatally wound her to the point where she couldn't depend on her grace to heal quickly.

"I had no choice."

Ariel's whole body went lip and crashed to the floor by the bed. Blood spewed out of her wounds.

A loud thud came from a particular room upstairs.

"GET THESE OFF OF ME!!"

Sam and Dean looked up from the parking lot, confused.

"Ariel?" Sam questioned, pulling the motel keys from his pocket. He glanced at his brother, whose face went from puzzled to worry in under one second flat.

Dean started for the stairs, briskly walking and then jogged. Sam was close behind with the keys.

Once Sam got the door open, he immediately drew his gun. "Who are you?!" The frightened hunter demanded, training his weapon on the offending man who had Ariel kneeling beside him, with blood pouring onto the homely carpet.

Dean immediately rushed in and tried to stop Sam from almost shooting the man. "Sam! Sam, wait! It's Castiel." The older brother put his hand on Sam's gun and pushed it down, Sam stood there, anger still written on his face." The other Angel." He added.

Dean spotted another figure in the room, standing by the far window. "Him, I don't know."

"What did you do to her?" Dean breathed. He glanced down at the fallen Ariel and a triumphant Castiels still sitting on the bed.

Ariel pulled her bloodstained lips into a lopsided grin, "He stabbed me- Three times to be exact. I guess that's how siblings greet each other now."

Castiel stood to his feet, stepping around the fallen woman, "Hello, Sam."

"Oh my God- uh- I didn't mean to- sorry. It's an honor, really, I've heard a lot about you." Sam stepped forward as he spoke and held out his hand for Castiel to shake.

Castiel glanced at Sam's extended hand, unsure of what to do. Was he supposed to pull it? Chop it off? Squeeze it?

Ariel let out a small cackle, blood dripping from the crease of her lips and trickling down her chin into her cleavage. "You're supposed to shake it, ass." She hacked and glanced at her wounds.

Sam shook his hand a little, and Castiel finally understood, sliding his hand into Sam's and returning the gesture.

"And I, you. Sam Winchester-" The soldier turned over the hunter's hand and placed his own over the back as he resumed talking. "The boy with the demon blood."

"Castiel..." Ariel wheezed as she heard him address her friend in such a rude way.

Dean, who had returned from closing the door, gazed down at his angel. He could see that one of her shoulders had a giant gash. The righteous man's expression hardened at the view, a vein popping out of his neck.

Dean averted his gaze when Castiel resumed talking.

"Glad to see you've ceased your extracurricular activities," Castiel affirmed, letting go of Samuel's hand and returning his arms to his sides.

The mysterious figure finally spoke, "Let's keep it that way."

"Touch Sam Winchester, and I'll devour you, and you'll not only feel my wrath but Father's." Ariel sneered, digging her nails into the carpet as more blood gushed out of her wounds.

Uriel chuckled, "Following in your beloved's footsteps, huh? First, you rebel just like him, and now you've fallen in every way imaginable. I'm not frightened by an atrocity like you, especially not in those cuffs."

Dean stepped forward and clenched his fist, "Yeah, okay, chuckles." The human looked back to the trench-coated angel. "Who's your friend?"

Castiel glanced down at Ariel with a pang in his vessel's heart. "This raising of Samhain- have you stopped it?"

"Why?" Dean replied.

"Dean- Have you located the witch?" Cas questioned, turning his attention to Dean and him only.

Ariel spoke for Dean. "Yes, we've located the witch."

"And is the witch dead?"

Sam tilted his head, a bit confused, "No, but-"

"We know who it is." Dean cut him off.

Castiel walked over to the side table, "Apparently, the witch knows who you are too." The soldier retrieved a hex bag and showed it to the hunters. He sighed, "This was inside the wall of your room. If we hadn't found it, surely one or both of you would be dead. Do you know where the witch is now?"

Sam and Dean exchange a look of uncertainty, a bit sheepish. "We're working on it."

"That's unfortunate," Cas said flatly, looking up and at the back of Uriel's bald head.

"What do you care?" Dean grumbled.

The soldier looked down at his fallen sister, "The raising of Samhain is one of the 66 seals."

Dean pulled his lip into a thin line, "So, this is about your buddy Lucifer."

Again, the mysterious man spoke when no one wanted him to, "Lucifer is no friend of ours- Heard he's pretty close with Ariel though, jealous?"

Ariel sniffled, clenching her teeth at Uriel's behavior. "It's just an expression." She huffed.

"Lucifer cannot rise. The breaking of the seal must be prevented at all costs. Ariel knew of this. I'm not understanding why she didn't inform you." Castiel gestured to the broken archangel, who was still bleeding on the floor.

Dean's blood ran cold when hearing of this newfound information. Ariel knew all of this but chose to keep it under wraps, for what? Was she really on their side or just there to slow them down?

Dean turned to the archangel, ignoring her glossy eyes. "You knew?" He queried, hoping it was a lie."No- We'll talk about this later." The hunter shut his eyes, and inhaled deeply tried his best to recollect himself.

"Why don't you tell us where the witch is, we'll gank her, and everybody goes home." Dean pointed to Castiel.

"We are not omniscient. This witch is very powerful, and she's cloaked even to our methods." Castiel walked back over to the brothers, the hex bag still in his hand.

Sam took a deep breath, "Okay, well we already know who she is, so if we work together-"

"Enough of this." The man's voice boomed.

Dean, who has had enough of Angels being unbelievable, took a few steps toward the dark skin man. "Okay, Who are you, and why should I care?"

Uriel finally turned from the window, glaring at Dean and Sam.

Castiel subtly rolled his eyes and dreaded introducing Uriel, "This is Uriel, he's what you might call a....specialist."

Uriel marched toward the group with his hands behind his back like he was something important.

The imprisoned angel pushed herself to her feet with the help of Dean. "No..." Ariel murmured, clenching her fist.

Dean began to panic, "What kind of specialist?" He looked to his angel companion and then toward Uriel, who donned a smug smile. "What are you gonna do?"

"You- uh, both of you- you need to leave this town immediately." Castiel murmured.

"Why?" Sam took a step back.

Ariel gritted her teeth, anticipating Castiel's response.

Castiel hesitated, "Because we're about to destroy it."  

There was a long beat, filled with worried glances and small panting from the injured woman.

"You are not about to smite these innocent humans! They have no clue on to what's going on, and if you plan on killing them, you're going to have to worry about more than Lucifer rising." Ariel spat, glaring at Uriel, who didn't even bat an eye.

"This isn't the first time I've...purified a city. Come to think of it, weren't you the one who gave out a command similar to this one?" Uriel grinned, challenging the woman.

Ariel held a hand to her side; blood still oozing out of her shoulder. "And I regretted it ever since I saw the pain it caused them."

Castiel held up his arms, "Look, I understand this is regrettable but-"

"Regrettable?" Dean jeered.

"We have to hold the line. Too many seals have been broken already." Cas countered.

Dean glowered, "So you screw the pooch on some seals, and this town has to pay the price?"

"It's the lives of one thousand against the lives of six billion. There's a bigger picture here." Castiel replied.

Ariel took a step forward, clutching the chains. "Right, 'cause big brother Michael knows best."

Dean stepped back from his angel, giving her the space that she needed if she wanted to kick some ass.

"Sister-" Castiel started but was cut off by a substantial blow to the face from Ariel.

"You don't get to call me that, not you!" Ariel's voice boomed, reverberating off of the walls. "When I get out of these chains..."

Castiel whirled with the force of the punch, licking the blood from his lips. "Listen, Ariel. You know yourself that Lucifer cannot rise- Not after what he did to you-" The soldier inhaled deeply and cleared his throat; emotions weren't permitted. "If he does, Hell rises with him. Is that something that you're willing to risk?"

There was a long pause.

"Ariel, are you willing to risk your life, plus the lives of six million people because of one measly town." Uriel stepped to the woman.

"I am."

"What?" Dean's eyes met with Ariel's. "No..." He gruffed.

Sam observed his brother and Ariel. The way they looked at each other, it was like they were already saying goodbye- in their own way. In the distant future, Dean could be happy with Ariel. She didn't have to die, not today, not ever.

"We'll stop this witch before she summons anyone. Your seal won't be broken, and no one has to die." Sam pleaded.

The specialist sneered, "We're wasting time with these mud monkeys."

"I won't hesitate to kill you." Ariel growled, her wings twitching with anticipation. She was eager to feel the stinging cold metal of the angel blade, sinking into Uriel's warm flesh.

Castiel looked to his former best friend, hurt in his eyes but hate in his voice. All he could do was turn away from her, his hell-fire scorched wings draped against the floor, displaying his sorrow. "I'm sorry, but we have our orders."

"No, you can't do this, you're angels, I mean- aren't you supposed to..."Sam curled and unfurled his fingers, unsure of what to do with the bubbling anger rising inside of him. All he knew was, this wasn't okay. "You're supposed to show mercy."

Uriel smirked at Sam's ignorance, "Says who?"

"We have no choice." Castiel murmured.

Ariel gritted her teeth, "No choice...Of course, you have a choice. We watched the humans grow together, from the fish, and you betrayed me. You were so young...Where did he go?"

The trenchcoated angel furrowed his brows and frowned at the archangel. "Would you rather me be like you, sister,  homeless, fallen and lost? You think you mean well here, but you're nothing but a burden on their shoulders."

Ariel's face contorted at his words, each one wrenching what little hope she had left in her heart. "You don't mean that...you're just hurt."

Castiel's expression hardened. "Why do you think Michael locked you away? Because you couldn't obey simple rules. You were a burden that Father left him because your counterpart is evil incarnate. And it won't be long until you're just like him."

The archangel lowered her gaze, his words stinging in her ear. She didn't expect him to go that low. They used to be best friends, and now he was speaking about so horrible to her.

"HEY!" Dean stepped to Castiel, protectively pushing Ariel behind him. He glanced back at his angel with a finger pointed at her."You have a home." The righteous man whipped back around with a glowering visage. "She has a home, and it's here with us. Now you can take that, and you can shove it up your ass."

Dean's jaw stiffened as he felt Ariel's soft hand grasping his forearm, her attempt to calm him down failed. "I mean, what you've never questioned a crap order, huh? What are you both, just a couple of hammers?"

"At least Ariel's got the balls to do what you dickless wingbags couldn't do. So you leave her out of this. Now you can insult me and Sammy all you want, but don't call her a burden." The enraged hunter inched closer to the soldier, chest to chest with him.

"Look, even if you can't understand it, have faith. The plan is just." Castiel muttered, scowling at Dean.

Samuel and Ariel spoke in chorus, "How can you even say that?" Sam had a disgusted tone, but Ariel's anger overshadowed him. Her wings were now flared, and there was a faint ringing noise filling the room.

"Because it comes from heaven, that makes it just." Castiel declared.

Dean tilted his head down and gazed up at the angel, "Oh, must be nice- to be so sure of yourselves."

Castiel sighed and gazed at the wall, "Tell me something, Dean, when your father gave you an order, didn't you obey?"

"Don't you dare try to justify your horrific 'orders' by bringing John Winchester into this." Ariel hissed.

Dean shifted on his feet and licked his lips. "Looks like plans have changed." He uttered.

"You think you can stop us?" Uriel queried, an amused look plastered on his face.

A muscle in Dean's jaw twitched as he thought it over. "No," He started. "But if you're gonna smite this whole town...then you're gonna have to smite all three of us with it." The human gradually came closer to the specialist angel, still not done with his speech. "Because we are not leaving. See, you went to the trouble of bustin' me out of hell. I figure I'm worth something to the man upstairs. So you wanna waste me, go ahead, see how Daddy digs that."

"Tch," Uriel scoffed at Dean's outlandish behavior. How dare a human talk to an angel of the lord as if they were on the same level. "I will drag you out of here myself." He sneered.

The lights in the room began flickering, a loud ringing filling the vicinity. All the men turned to find Ariel standing behind Dean; her wings projected onto the wall, the room not big enough for her to spread them out further. She rolled her shoulders back as her head hung low, but a bright red glow surrounded her eyes.

"I dare you to touch Dean Winchester." Ariel's voice carried through everyone's head, echoing and causing them all to recoil.

Sam swallowed hard, taking a few steps away from Ariel and closer to the desk by the mirror.

Castiel clenched his jaw as he took in the sight of his once bright and cheery sister. Her entire essence was shrouded in darkness, and now he wasn't sure if they could undo any of this. 'Damnit,' He thought.

Ariel slowly made her way to Uriel, taking her rightful place next to Dean, who hid his fear well, masking it with anger. Her charcoal and blood-red wings formed a shield-like shape around her and Dean as she resumed talking.

"Touch him and so help me, Dad I will waste every last Angel in heaven- and I won't hesitate any longer the more you stare at me with that glower. I will wipe it off your insightful face." Ariel growled her last words through clenched teeth.

The cuffs began turning red, the Enochian warding glowing a vivid red.

Before she could melt the handcuffs, Castiel unsheathed the archangel blade he was lent and plunged it deep into her throat.

Sam and Dean flinched at the sudden movement, "No!" They cried in unison.

Ariel looked up to Dean with an agonized expression, before all three angels disappeared.

FINAL PART

SERIES MASTERLIST

[catcomixzstudios]

How To Life Chapter 40 - Judaism

The Abrahamic Quartet Part I: Kill It Until It Gets Better

Man, I REALLY hope you end up liking the stories from this one, because at least three other chapters won’t be shutting the fuck up about how good this one is.

Welcome to part one of the story about the God of Abraham. This is all part of what is known as the Old Testament. The people who follow it today are called Jews, though they may also be referred to by several slurs as well because humans are pricks like that.

I have alot of issues with the faiths that sprung from Judaism, but I find this one itself nice overall. Generally speaking, Jewish people (whether devout followers or just culturally so) are pretty kind and laid back individuals. You probably won’t see any going door to door trying to convince you to join their faith. But the mostly calm nature of the people in the faith is almost baffling considering the God of it is completely and utterly psychotic.

As usual, let’s start from the beginning. God came and created the universe, planets, stars, and everything else in the span of a week (he takes a day off because even God needs a tiny vacation from all that). He got pretty proud of a certain place, the Garden of Eden. He creates two humans named Adam and Eve. God told them to have a good time and all that, but to NOT eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I assume that Adam and Eve had roughly the intelligence of squirrels, so that goes about as well as expected.

Later, a talking snake comes down from the tree and offers Eve an apple from it. Since Eve lacked the specific knowledge that would have told her this is a bad thing to do, she does it. And then gained the specific knowledge that that was a bad thing to do. Whoops. Of course she got Adam to try it too because she didn’t want to be the only one in trouble.

God showed back up and was pissed about what they did and told them to fuck off. This completely avoidable event is considered the fall of man. The pair had a couple of sons, and one of them infamously became the first murderer by killing his brother. Because God liked his sacrifice to him more. Everyone’s kind of a dick here. The murderer, Cain, is cursed and he became that person at the family reunion nobody talks about.

For many generations, people began to spread more and more. Apparently, everyone was totally evil and God decided “Fuck it, I’ll just kill everyone and start over.” As it turned out, the only not-evil people in the entire world are Noah and his family. He told Noah to get two of every animal and shove them on a huge-ass boat. Noah did, and then God flooded the Earth, killing literally every single other human being and creature. It’s okay, they were all allegedly bad. God said so. The waters recede, and he pinkie swears via rainbow to never commit mass genocide by flooding the Earth ever again. How thoughtful.

A short time after, a bunch of people try building a tower-city. This pisses God off for some reason and he separated them and made everyone speak different languages. Though their languages were now different, I imagine there was something they were all saying shortly after this that expressed their deep disagreement with that decision.

Eventually, we’re introduced to Abram. He heard a voice in his head claiming to be God that says he’ll have a ton of descendants, but they’ll be oppressed in a foreign land for several hundred years, BUT ALSO they’ll get a ton of land. Abram changed his name to Abraham and cut off part of his dick as a covenant between himself and this voice in his head. Thankfully everyone else went along with it too, or else he’d be considered nuts.

Soon enough, this voice in Abraham’s head calling itself God told him to murder his son to prove his loyalty. Without a moment’s hesitation, he’s totally willing to do it, but God stops him at the last minute like, “Jesus Christ bro, chill the fuck out.” I imagine Abraham’s relationship with his son from that point on was pretty shaky.

The next few sections are mostly God judging people and folks having kids that will impact later parts of the plot.

Past that, we get to the Exodus. The ruler of Egypt, called the Pharaoh, was getting freaked out about all the Israelites and wants all of the newborn babies thrown into the Nile River. One baby was saved by being put on a floating basket and is double saved by being rescued by the Pharaoh’s daughter. She named him Moses and raised him. Moses was pretty happy with his life, then God appeared to him in a burning bush (it can never be anything normal with this guy). God tasked Moses with leading his people out of this hell-hole and to the land that was promised to Abraham.

Moses tried asking the Pharaoh nicely to let them go, but Pharaoh naturally didn’t want to lose his main workforce. God sent down a bunch of plagues on Egypt in response. Eventually Moses and the rest of the Israelites got the hell out, but they are pursued by the Pharaoh (a strange choice considering all of the plagues that were cast on him, but whatever). Moses is a level 10 wizard or something so he parted a sea as a way for his people to safely cross and escape the pursuing Egyptians. As one last “fuck you” to them, the sea closed up on and killed them.

After the Israelites escaped, they pretty much wandered the desert for a while. They rightfully panicked about dying, but God created water and magic for them. They eventually reached a mountain that Moses ascended to speak with God. After a bunch of climbing back and forth with various people, God eventually bestowed his most important laws with Moses; the Ten Commandments.

While that was going on, everyone ground-level started getting antsy. They just kind of forgot about all of the awesome stuff God had done for them and just started worshiping a golden calf they made. God’s naturally pissed, but Moses pleaded for him not to kill them all. Then later, the original tablets that contained the Ten Commandments are busted, so Moses had to go up the mountain AGAIN. It’s kind of a bad day all around.

Once that’s finished, he went down to them all and preached all of the important stuff for the faith. The identity of this religion truly took form. And I’m sure nothing bad ever happened to those people or their descendants ever again.

That’s pretty much the major stuff from the Old Testament. Most of the stories beyond that are about the spread of God’s people. They can usually be summarized as “A follower of God (or many) isn’t/aren’t having a good time. Some less faithful/non-believers are ruining it for everybody else. God/his follower(s) kill the shit out of that person.” It does sequel-bait a bit by mentioning awaiting the arrival of a messiah that’ll make everything super rad. And boy howdy, will there be sequels.

I will admit that Judaism is, like just about every other major faith we know about, very fascinating to study and sprung up a beautiful culture. One point of interest is that it’s a faith following a single god rather than hundreds. This is actually kind of problematic; at least when there are a ton of gods, they usually keep themselves busy by being dicks to one another. Sure, humans usually got caught in the crossfire, but we weren’t usually the target. Here… well, things take an uncomfortable turn.

I personally take a more critical view of this faith when it comes to the god. I have no qualms with saying that he’s a complete asshole. Worse yet, he blames us for everything that goes wrong, even when he’s clearly the one who screwed up. Beyond the introductory parts, God gets more and more bloodthirsty.

At least if it had a neat afterlife, I might get excited, but there really isn’t much mention of it in Judaism. It’s mostly just God being a weird prick (my favorite example of this is 2 Kings 2:23-:24, where God sends two bears to murder 42 children for making fun of a guy that was bald).

GOOD IDEAS:

- A vast majority of Jewish people (culturally or religiously) are very good people despite the fucked-up deity at the center of it.

- Books like Ecclesiastes have some good bits of advice.

- The sequels are generally more tame (if a bit boring).

BAD IDEAS:

- Lots and lots of murder, rape, slavery, and occasionally misogyny.

- Has a “might makes right” mentality about most things.

- Monotheism is less exciting and means more humans getting their shit pushed in.

LIKELIHOOD OF TRUTH: ~44%. The beginning of the Abrahamic God’s quartet is one of confusing dickishness and murder. I can see the appeal of a single god that actually seems interested in the well-being of humanity (or at least, the part that worships him), but beyond a few good aspects sprinkled in here and there, it’s mainly just unpleasant. Thankfully though, God apparently chills out between the Old and New Testament.

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[doedipus]

LP D&D: It’s Getting Boring by the Sea

It’s finally time for the party to attend the dinner party at Lord Heir’s estate, where they’ve heard rumors that there may be an attempt on John Merrow, the Visible Lord of Waterdeep’s life. Failure to protect him would mean that the city-state would fall completely into the hands of the Anonymous Lords, many of whom had already been swayed by the Sisters of the Night. The gang must work quickly to unravel the conspiracy before it’s too late!

Content under the break.

Trouble at the Mister Mister //A brothel by the harbor in Waterdeep

While Graham was visiting the brothel, his father wanders in out of nowhere

Mr. Broyer is perplexed

“Esmeralda is my friend,” explained the Graham

“Sh-she works here... as a dancer, I think”

Sir Huey, who was supposed to be engaged to (deadname), is also there, and is generally confused.

They want Graham to come back to the estate they’ve been staying at

Grandchildren

Marry Huey

Go back with mother

Condescension and misgendering abound

Jake wants to pause

But there is no pause in d&d

Mr. Broyer finds out that Graham is using his late brother’s name, and is infuriated

He attempts to flip the table and bolt for the door

The family is blocking the door

Graham bungles the table flip

Mr. Broyer attempts to restrain Graham, but he shoulder checks his father, knocking the old man over

He escapes the building, and runs through the streets of Waterdeep

House Broyer chases Graham through the city

Graham is surprisingly nimble, and navigates the goods in the street easily

Some cargo is strewn about the road, and Graham misty steps over it

He tries to hide in Lupe’s hangar //In the gang’s desperate struggle to derive utility from the semi-tame wyvern, they set her up in a warehouse with a receding roof.

Successfully

House Broyer runs past the warehouse, losing Graham

Lupe is nonplussed by his intrusion

She needs her beauty sleep, yo

Lupe happens to have tongues on her from last session //Phrasing!

A “moment” occurs between Graham and Lupe

Graham fills Lupe in on what’s just happened

His explanation rambles a bit

It’s basically his whole life story

...but Lupe went back to sleep

Graham falls asleep on top of Lupe

He dreams of his father’s words, his mother turning into a snake, and the skyline of Calimport

The next morning

Lucas teleports onto the ship

Greg says he was worried

Lucas is a wreck after the incident in Proskur

They go to their room below decks

Lucas tells Greg everything

Gandalf turned out to be a necromancer

He was “experimenting” on the locals

He had to die

Lucas and a friend were able to kill the wizard, but the friend died

When she died, Lucas absorbed her soul

Multiclassing, folks!

Lucas says the “L” word //“Lesbian?” “No, Scott.” “...Lesbians?”

Greg and Lucas make out

Lucas says they’ll get married after they take back Beydale //An inland duchy Greg is the heir to.

Greg seems pleased with this development

The two can rule Beydale

Greg wants to use the party as a platform to raise support for the reconquista of Beydale

Lucas gives Greg the raven statuette //I forget what the significance of this is

The planeswalkers return from Sigil

Without tote bags! What even was the point??

Coy realizes that world geometry makes sense again, kisses the ground

Escrima wants to give “baby girl Coy” a piggyback ride

But Coy wants to get down

Coy wanders off

They remember that they’re missing some party members, and head towards the ship

They pass by Lupe’s hangar, waking up Graham

Graham sees the party, and Coy’s tits

He kisses Coy’s hand

Coy is flustered

Max is also flustered

Coy tries to explain that she’s Coy, but Graham isn’t having it

But eventually, he recognizes her

Graham is confused

“I’m a paladin”

“Esmeralda is my friend”

Escrima sort of explains what happened with Narcovi

Escrima shows Graham his new tramp stamp

It was an ode to mother

Sometimes, Escrima doesn’t feel like he has a body.

Something possesses Graham to try and hug Escrima

...Who is entirely uncomfortable

Graham realizes that Coy transitioned, suddenly

“Coy, you cut your hair!”

“Where did you get... those..?”

Coy explains that she was transformed in a “flesh carving” shop in Sigil

Graham is curious about how to get there

The gang reminds him about the portal in Neverwinter

Everyone’s exhausted, and they head back to the Tavern Estate

Graham is trying reeeeally hard not to stare at Coy’s breasts

Shopping ensues

Coy needs to fix her order with the armorer, and the gang heads to the market district

The Planeswalkers run into Lucas and Greg, who were out buying clothes for the party

Lucas doesn’t recognize Coy

Coy introduces herself, but Lucas doesn’t believe that it’s her

She has big boobs. Coy does not have big boobs

Lucas tries to ask her a question that only she would know the answer to

Coy answers correctly, convincing Lucas of her identity

Lucas realizes that Coy was on the receiving end of a high level spell

He looks around in the book on 9th level spells for an idea of what it was

He takes some brain damage from reading forbidden knowledge

The spell is in there somewhere, but he can’t understand the words

Coy explains everything again

“YOU WENT TO SIGIL WITHOUT ME AGAIN??? MY ADVENTURE SUCKED!”

The gears in Lucas’ head start turning at the mention of that kind of power

He would never turn Coy into a kaiju for fun and profit.

Coy playfully punches Lucas’s shoulder, specifically the one that just got blown to bits

Lucas gets a good enough suit from a good enough shop

Coy goes looking for a dress, but she can’t find exactly what she wants

She gets something anyway, I think (?)

Coy goes to the armorer to be remeasured

It’s gonna take a couple hours and a few more gold.

They arrive back at the estate //Rocky generously allowed the party to stay at a pretty nice mansion in town while we were in the city

Coy wants to know about Akim

The butler is a little confused, but Coy explains herself again

Akim is in Coy’s room

Coy worries about what Akim will think

She goes to visit Akim

But falls asleep instantly

Lucas accidentally calls Jeeves a bartender, and he is indignant

Rolen gives Jeeves some of the wyvern venom, and asks him to sell it

Escrima goes to sleep by the pond

Everyone else goes to sleep in their bed, like normal people

During his trance, Rolen notices that something is trying to get out of his stomach

It has 8 legs

He concentrates real hard, and it goes away

Rolen gets up before everyone else, because elf

He does something clandestine

Graham grows personally to catch up with everyone else 

Rolen reveals that he went out in the night to get a cake and some things for Escrima

The whole lobby of the mansion is decorated

There’s 3 gifts by the cake

Bald head shine oil

Deck of cards from calimport

The bestiary

Rolen and everyone sings “Happy Birthday”

Escrima is confused

Rolen explains that it’s for mothers’ day

He figured that since Escrima was interested in Lupe, he should have some animal handling supplies

Rolen becomes inspired!

The cake gives the gang advantage against fear

Escrima is confused, but pleased

Akim stumbles in

“Oh, there’s cake!”

He’s not used to nice beds... or beds at all, really

He wants to know where Coy is

Coy hides behind Graham

Lucas attempts to explain things

Akim doesn’t care as long as Coy still loves him

Tbh the meme of “what’ll the kids think?” is the dumbest thing. It’s the adults that are the problem.

Coy is nervous about being a teen parent

The party is in 2 hours

Coy picks up her armor

Graham picks up Esmeralda

Esmeralda is working a customer when he gets there

Graham awkwardly asks if she can go to the party

She’s reluctant after the fit that was pitched last night

He gives her some cash, and she agrees to go

Lucas & Greg “prepare” for the party

Lucas applies mage armor to the both of them

The gang picks up their stuff from the tailor

The stuff there gives a +1 to CHA

Neverwinter styles rock, apparently

The merchant wants some of the fabric that Connie’s dress is made of

She says that all attendees need to make a donation to the sisters to enter

Escrima goes to Lupe’s Hangar

Escrima uses beast speech to talk to Lupe

Lupe confers that it will protect the party

...but Escrima forgot to unchain her

Connie disguises herself as a noble-looking human //Specifically, a different one than the last time she ran into the Sisters

They reach the entrance

Inventories are reduced

Coy is wearing some kinda armor, because she’s too good for the dress Connie got her in Sigil

The guards don’t care anyway

Plebs!

The gang flashes their invitations

It’s 100 gp per person to enter

The highest donation gets to chill with Elsa and Lord Heir

Greg talk about Beydale with some nobles

The town of MossStone was destroyed recently, which worries Lucas

His brother lived there

Greg mentions his quest

But the nobles aren’t having it

The sisters have told the nobles that they’ll take care of the hordes in the south

Greg blows his stack

The nobles tell them to cool it

Lucas yanks Greg away, and tells him that the nobles might not be worth it.

He tries to console him. The gang can handle anything the sisters can throw at them

...But it’s still not an army

One of the nobles has a sisters of the night logo

Sister Melina

The gang wanders around

Coy runs into that guy he stole the pendant from

But the guy doesn’t notice the pendant around her neck

Coy enters one of the buildings

A handful of sisters are milling about

Lord Heir is there, talking about how great the sisters are //The Sisters were calling themselves the “Sisters of Dawn,” and trying to act like humanitarians or something. The city apparently believed them, and allowed them to park airships above the city for some reason.

Coy has an idea. Oh no!

The players tell Max to not get them all arrested

She checks to see if Hier is married

There’s no ring there...

She tries to awkwardly hit on Hier

Hier introduces some of his bros

He talks about how he met the sisters of the night

Connie and Rolen try to save Merrow

Connie uses sending to tell him that his life might be in danger

Merrow tells her to meet him in a shed on the edge of the estate

The pair start heading over

Graham bumps into Merrow on the way over

Merrow says that he’d seen the rest of House Broyer at the party

Graham tries to brag about Esmeralda

But Merrow’s having none of it

Esmeralda remarks that she knows a lot of people at the party

She’s had a “professional” relationship with Merrow in the past

Somehow Graham is oblivious to all the innuendo being thrown around

Some bard intercepts Graham and Esmeralda

He says some absurd limerick

Graham is amused by his jokes

Merrow, Connie, and Rolen meet in the shed

They try to be stealthy, but the door is real squeaky

He deduces the pair works for Rocky

Rolen explains the theory about the assassination attempt

Merrow tells the pair that he isn’t in more danger than usual

He wants to gather information at the party

Merrow wants to raise a levy to reconquer the south

Rolen gives Merrow a death ward, and leaves

At this point, Kim had to leave to yell at kids for 3 hours, and the session ended prematurely.

Escrima is nervous about all the socializing, and does some people watching

A waiter offers him a drink

Escrima wants to know if there are any ponds

There aren’t, but there’s a fountain

It has frogs in it

Escrima heads for the pond

Escrima gets to the pond

There’s a jester/bard there, hyucking it up

Escrima asks if he “can see the ripples in the sky make it boom boom”

Jester hands him a frog, and turns it into a rabbit

Escrima is nonplussed

Escrima really wants the boom boom

Jester appeases him with some fireworks

“You need to pacify the people,” he asks the jester

Escrima wants the jester to gtfo of the fountain so he can drink

He has to make a CON saving throw

It doesn’t sit well, and he pukes his guts out

The noblery leave in disgust

Jester is pissed, that was a lot of tip money

Rolen and Connie discuss plans

They decide they want to try and get into the VIP table

Escrima can use suggestion, maybe

Failing that, they’re pretty loaded

Rolen goes to find Escrima, and Connie tails Merrow

Rolen goes looking for Escrima

He’s not by the gates anymore, but the guards know who he’s looking for

Rolen goes to the pond

The jester is mad

Rolen eggs him on a bit

Jester wants to do something really amazing

He turns Escrima into a dragon briefly

Jester gets a lot of tips

Rolen points out that they’re probably even at this point

Rolen tries to explain that Connie wants to talk to him

“Carry me!”

Mother hasn’t been contacting Escrima recently, and he’s distraught

“Oh nevermind, where’s Constanza?”

A noblewoman tries to distract Connie, but she isn't having it

Merrow is talking with a knight and a sister

Connie tells Merrow to watch his ass

Merrow invites her over

Knight is a sheriff of Waterdeep

Sister is Sister Sasha

Greg is dejected about the nobles sandbagging his reconquista

Lucas is worried for his safety

Greg wants to talk to Merrow

He doesn’t want to stay away from the sisters, because-

FUCK YOU LUCAS YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM

Rich reminds JP that Greg was the one who was worried about the sisters

Greg starts to agree with Lucas

It’s possible that he’s connected to Amarak somehow //Amarak was an ancient kingdom that occupied most of the Sword Coast. She previously repelled an earlier uprising by the Sisters.

Sister Melina approaches Lucas

She reminds him that Elsa doesn’t like him very much, and not to cause any trouble

Lucas gets his edge on

It’s best if nobody causes trouble

Lucas talks to greg about how his brother might be dead

A bard approaches Graham and Esmeralda

He tells the most lewd poem he could think of, at Esmeralda’s expense

Graham and the bard bicker about whether Esmeralda is a lady or a whore

Esmeralda is angry Graham didn’t just glass him

Graham reminds her that it would ruin the entire party

OH SHIT COY’S STILL IN THE BALLROOM

Hier talks about how Merrow has been blocking the sisters from

“Do I have to make a CON save to not fall asleep?”

WAITWAITWAIT NO

But JP moves forward with it

She falls asleep for a bit

Hier asks her name

Coy can’t think of a new name on the spot

Hier assumes she’s just smashed

Hier invites her to the most prestigious of places to bang: the utility closet

In his own damned house

5 minutes later, the two head to the closet

Coy wants to hold hands, but Hier tells her to not make things conspicuous

Coy and Hier move to his study

Hier locks the doors behind them

Coy notices that Hier looks a bit like her dad

“A fat, bald Danny DeVito”

Hier’s getting all handsy

Coy asks if he owns the airship

Proposes they bang on the ship

Hier says that there’s no time

“Watchu doin’, Coy?”

AAAAAAAUGH

“HE’S MOVING FOR HIS PANTS, COY”

Coy uses the potion of invisibility, confusing Hier

She jumps to the ceiling to try and hang onto the rafters

Hier wonders if he’s hallucinated the whole scenario

Coy says that the sisters are not to be trusted

Hier still can’t find her. He leaves the room, and locks several door behind him on the way out

Coy attempts to investigate, but the dice aren’t having it

There’s a letter from Elsa about murdering Merrow and putting Hier in control

The sisters want his army, and for him to sign a non-aggression pact

Make Waterdeep great again!

There’s some heavy armor in there too, and it looks enchanted

“I’m gonna take it.”

Rich suggests a “bra of holding”

Merrow introduces Vigo and Sasha to the other party members

Lucas is obviously not enjoying the party

Greg introduces himself to Merrow

Lucas glares at Sasha

Sasha appears to be salivating a bit

Lucas calls her out, and she leaves

Merrow seems interested in helping

But his hands are a bit tied

If Beydale becomes a vassal of Waterdeep, he’ll help

Greg doesn’t know what to say

Merrow mentions that Waterdeep thinks of Beydale as being fairly insignificant

Lucas mentions the possible assassination attempt again

He lends Merrow his bird //Lucas has a raven as a familiar. It’s named “Siegfried”

It’s totes fashionable

Lucas asks Vigo about his brother //A Military officer

Drow sacked Mossstone

Vigo says that he’ll try and look his name up tomorrow

Merrow confirms that house Broyer is at the table

Merrow is friendly with Esmeralda of course

“Esmeralda is my friend”

“She’s friends with a lot of people”

“Well, you can never have too many friends.”

After much bickering, the party decides that-

Escrima accidentally says something about the blueblood virgins or something out loud //Part of the lore the party picked up in the Candlekeep basement archives. It implies that Greg and Beydale are lore-important

Lucas & Greg, Connie & Graham shell out to go to the table

Graham leaves Esmeralda with Rolen and Escrima while he goes to the table

He wants her to make sure they’re “happy and satisfied”

Greg and Lucas make out, attracting a passing fujoshi

Lucas glares at her

OH YOU MUST BE THE SEME THEN LOL XD XD XD XD

Esmeralda manages to get a few more GP out of Graham

Esmeralda encounters Escrima

Escrima doesn’t like to be touched

He’s not into lovemaking

...though who knows where he heard that language from

A waiter tells the gang that the VIP dinner is starting

Lucas tells Connie that he’s not feeling very social, and she may need to smooth things over for him

He briefly considers using minor illusion to obscure his face, but everyone knows him already

“We’ll wing it, it’ll be great” -Rich

Rolen attempts some infiltration

He tries to explore the kitchen, but a guard says no

Coy is still stuck in Hier’s study

Hier left the window open

Coy climbs out the window, and closes the window behind her

Graham notices that Osric and Viper are already in the main room //His parents. Viper is not actually his mother’s name, she’s just an asshole.

Coy sneaks into the main room

A butler asks who he should announce as the gang as they enter

The players are confused

They settle on “Sir Graham Broyer and Lady of Athkatla Constanza de Catarina”

...and guest

That damned vampire is here //One of the nobles was revealed to be a vampire during that abandoned plotline

Coy slips the letter into Merrow’s pocket

Coy and Merrow’s pocket OTP

Graham and Connie enter the dining hall

House Broyer is pissed

Viper begins drinking. It’s not known if she will ever stop //She doesn’t.

Coy uncloaks in the middle of the room, and insists that she follow Lucas

Elsa brings up that she was a captive on the gang’s ship wayyyy back in session 1 or something

Graham corrects her. They saved her ass, tbh

Viper drinks more

“Ladies shouldn’t talk politics.”

Graham gets in a weird argument withe Viper

She drops the G-bomb //Graham’s deadname starts with “G”

Viper complains about Graham’s company

Lucas is not in the mood for little digs

Graham wants to know about Elsa’s mission

She spins the same yarn we’ve been hearing all night

But that’s not good enough

Coy mage hands Merrow in the pocket with the letter

Elsa has trouble providing detail

Merrow reads the letter.

Rolen & co. continue their exterior collisions matrix of the house

Escrima gets a guard to vacate his post with suggestion

They enter the pleb’s dining hall

Escrima asks Greg if he wants to go looking for treasure

Rolen attempts to freeze-break the lock on Hier’s room

It is pulverized

They investigate, but the dice are pissed tonight, and they find nothing

Hier asks Merrow to help the sisters

Vampire brown noses for no reason

Graham drops the name “sisters of the night”

Lucas notices that the waiters have been super quiet

He asks one of they speak common

Hier says they shouldn’t talk to the lower class

The servant attempts to leave quietly

Connie calls Viper a Viper

Osric and Viper attempt to leave, but Hier stops them

There’s some kind of magic in the servants

Merrow brings up the letter

Coy reveals that she found the note in Hier office

And also that he tried to rape her

The servants were Gnolls all along!

They sneak attack everyone

Battle against Elsa, Melina and their Gnoll henchmen

The gang is caught off guard

Connie casts evard’s black tentacles, restraining several of the gnolls

Lucas begins bladesinging

Lucas uses hypnotic pattern on the other gnolls, incapacitating several of them

Coy stabs the gnoll behind her

And by “stab,” I mean “instantly beheads”

At this point, Rolen, Escrima, and the others realize there’s a problem

There’s some gnolls wrestling with the tentacles in the other end of the hall

They head towards the dining hall

Elsa attempts to send to someone, but Lucas stops her

Elsa swears like a sailor

Vampire turns into a bat, and flies to the giant chandelier

A guard runs over and tries to attack one of the gnolls

But misses twice

A gnoll stabs Viper for not much damage

Connie spends inspiration to not lose concentration on her spell

Connie gets a solid shot off on Elsa

The tentacles gib one of the gnolls

Lucas misty steps to Elsa, and tries to stab her, but misses

Lucas spends inspiration to land a second stab, dealing heavy damage

Coy bounds across the table, landing next to Elsa

She misses her slash with the odachi

Rolen continues running towards the dining hall

Escrima runs into a sister on the way over

Blight turns her into mush

Mother compliments his handiwork

Elsa tries to run through the window

Coy gets an attack, but she misses

Lucas’ booming blade deals some damage

She takes fall damage

She tries to turn a guard on the party, but fails miserably

The tentacles finish off the other 3 gnolls on their side of the room

Graham jumps out the window after Elsa, landing two deadly blows

“I spared you once, and it was a huge mistake.”

He runs her through. The holy damage causes her to explode into bright lights and viscera

Sister Elsa of the Night is killed.

The guard next to Elsa and Graham attempts to attack the gnoll next to her, but misses twice

The guard in the dining room attacks a gnoll with a crit

Greg congratulates Escrima on his last turn

The sister by Connie tries to send a message, and Lucas stops her

She runs away, giving Connie an attack of opportunity

Connie grabs a kitchen knife off the table and stabs her in the neck, killing her

Viper continues to drink heavily

A few sisters attack Rolen in the hall

Lucas reminds Viper that the party is saving her ass

Viper continues to drink heavily

He gibs a gnoll, and reminds her again

Coy polymorphs into a bat, and chases vampire man

Rolen fights off the sisters in the hall

The sending appears to have alerted the airship

The ship blasts the roof off the dining hall

Lord Osric Broyer of Sorabia is killed in the impact

Viper is understandably distraught

The folks at the Mister Mister will probably send flowers

Escrima casts eldritch blast on the sisters in the hall

The bolts fly out the door behind them

Escrima panics a bit

A gnoll stabs Connie

The gnolls on the other side of the wall escape the tentacles, finally

Graham beats one of the gnolls that was trapped in the tentacles half to death

Merrow shivs a gnoll from across the table

Greg runs away, using his action to disengage

All magic seems to get sucked out of the building

We had to roll damage anyway. Spooky!

Rolen puts the hurt on the hallway sisters with spirit guardian

Lucas identifies the magic sucking device as being a spellskite

It’s a monster that eats spells. Eating enough makes it explode or something

Escrima wants to lick the sack

Coy continues to chase vampire man and evade more cannon fire

She picks some locks upstairs

Rolen regroups with Escrima

Vigo flees the manor like a huge yellow coward

The npcs in the room jump out the window

Lots of nobles have been gibbed

The airship fires another volley, and the shot lands in the great hall

Escrima bolts for the door, and spots the gnoll woman

The gnoll woman dumps a cloud kill on most of the party

Viper breaks the news of Osric’s death to Graham

Graham severely wounds one of the gnolls next to him

Connie screams for help and bolts for the window.

Lucas runs away from the fart gas, and to the window Connie jumped out of

Coy attempts to climb a ladder to the airship, but falls to the ground in front of the mansion

Rolen nearly dies in the fart gas

He heals himself and tries to flee with Greg

The airship fires another volley, and the shot lands in the great hall again

Escrima ducks into a coat closet and gives himself an HP buff

The gnoll woman goes looking for him

He closed the door behind him, but gnolls have a strong sense of smell

She KNOWS where he is

She casts blight!

Escrima fails his throw, barely hanging on //“JUST END ME” -Rap

Mother won’t let him die just yet

The gnolls in the alley attack Graham

They beat him half to death

Viper chides him for being in a bad spot

Graham kills the two gnolls easily

Greg hides in Hier’s rape study

A sister runs into the alley looking for Elsa, but realizes she’s dead as a doornail

Coy repositions herself in the courtyard, and spots the spellskite

She decides to try and climb the rope to the airship

...but then JP reminds her that she has the teleportation hat

She teleports to the other end of the rope, and climbs aboard

There’s a few dozen soldiers on board. How fun! //”‘A few dozen’ = 300″ -Rich “Okay, several dozen!” -Kim

Another volley from the ship gibs a bunch of civilians

Escrima attempts to smash through a wall, but he fails

He runs away, and uses his pact weapon to bar a door behind him

The priestess uses acid splash on the door, and it dissolves the door

“The Graham train is gonna do something!”

The Graham train wants to smash a wall to get to Escrima, but can’t tell which part of the wall escrima is behind

He gets lucky and smashes the right wall

Graham makes a kool-aid man noise as he smashes the wall

Connie ushers Viper and Hier through an open window

Mind the tentacles!

Connie takes a swig of Viper’s wine

They move through the building towards the front hall

The remaining sister leaves the alleyway, and calls to the gnoll woman to bail

Lucas jumps out the window into the alley, taking a crit from one of the gnolls on the way out

Merrow follows him

Coy tries to intimidate the soldiers on the ship

Predictably, it doesn’t work very well

JP didn’t expect Coy to try and board the airship

She teleports to the balloon and starts cutting the ropes attaching it to the ship

The ship is off balance, and lurches around unevenly

Rolen runs to the front door, and is confused about the plan

The gnoll woman conjures a pair of hyenas next to her and misty steps away

The gnolls in the dining hall burst out the window and chase lucas down the alley

The Graham train attacks the hyenas, wounding one of them

Graham and Lucas decide they should just leave

The gnoll woman and the remaining sister teleport away

The hyenas attack Graham

Lucas reactivates bladesinging, and heals Graham a bit

He remembers that if he says “explosion,” people will run faster

Coy does a really cool ninja move, and cuts through one of the ropes and part of the balloon

The ship is hanging by one rope, but is vertical. The soldiers fall onto the mansion from about 300 feet up

An orc splats in front of Lucas

Luckily, none of the party members gets hit by the falling soldiers

Coy becomes inspired!

Escrima manages to scare one of the hyenas away

Graham kills a hyena, but his sword is really wedged in its corpse

Connie catches up to Rolen, and asks for first aid

The remaining hyena disappears

Coy attempts to grab the remaining rope, but fails

She teleports next to Connie

...But lands next to Lucas, about 15 feet off the mark

Lucas wants to know if the airship was Coy’s fault

Of course it was. Why wouldn’t it be?

The spellskite ceases to exist, since the gnoll woman fell off the airship.

Apparently, she summoned it

The ship crashes through the northeastern quadrant of the mansion, obliterating the structure

The force of the blast pushes everyone out of the front door

Combat ends

WHAT A GREAT PARTY GUYS

The gang curses out Hier

Merrow agrees to help reconquer Beydale

Lucas realizes Greg is still alive, and gives him a big hug. Aww.

Coy points out that they just barely saved Waterdeep from total destruction

The second airship sails away

The braindead guards finally open the damn gates

#personal growth