#Blanche would find it cute. Dorothy would NOT

[queenofquestions]

Bringing Up Baby is my absolute favorite movie ever (that’s why I have it as the picture at the top of my blog :)

Well, just imagine how excited I was to learn that there was an episode of Golden Girls inspired by it!

And, let me tell you, it did Not disappoint! Besides being absolutely hilarious, it had some great golden wives moments.

They plan on raising a baby the three of them together? And then they plan to use the money to buy a car together? And then this is their reconciliation…

[rachelkaser]

Stay Golden Sunday: Vacation

Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose go on a Caribbean vacation and everything goes wrong. Back at home, Sophia flirts with the gardener.

Picture It...

Dorothy is gathering suitcases in the living room, fussing over Sophia. Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche are going to the Caribbean for vacation, meaning Sophia will be home alone. Sophia protests she’ll be fine. Rose fusses about traveling abroad, which drives Dorothy insane. Blanche has packed a ton of luggage. After leave for the airport, Sophia greets the Japanese gardener, Mr. Mitsumo, and tries to flirt with him. He doesn’t understand very much English, but he flirts back with her.

The Girls get to the hotel, and find their supposedly luxurious hotel room is a grungy shoebox. Not only are the telephone and the air conditioner not working, but their “ocean view” is a brick wall seen through a window the size of a porthole. They ask the very hostile porter to send the manager up. The Girls complain some more. The very slimy manager enters and claims their room does have an ocean view if you lean extremely far out of the window. When the Girls protest, it turns out Rose pre-paid for the room and they can’t get a refund, meaning they have no choice but to stay.

DOROTHY: You call that an ocean view? You have to be a contortionist to see! MANAGER: Hey, it doesn’t say “great ocean view.”

Back at home, Sophia is having dinner with Mr. Mitsumo, who asks that she call him Toshiro. He plays Japanese music and has made sushi for Sophia, also showing her how to eat with chopsticks. Sophia’s a little grossed out at eating raw fish, and puts most of it in her purse when Toshiro’s not looking. She still compliments his cooking and tells him she thinks he’s cute. He says she’s cuter, and I just can’t with these two.

Back in the hotel, the Girls get set up in the bathroom and Rose talks about how she’s planned out their day as mosquitos bite them up. When Rose tries to enter the bathroom again, the door is locked. They discover that there are three men in the bathroom, as it’s shared with another room. Dwayne, Rick, and Winston are all obnoxious 30-somethings who try to be rude to the Girls, but Blanche isn’t having it. She tells them off, saying to go into the jungle to relieve themselves.

ROSE: You... you... you rude person! DOROTHY: Go easy on him, Rose.

The Girls are sitting in the hotel lobby, having just eaten an awful dinner, when the boys rom the other room enter. They apologize for being rude earlier, and offer to buy the Girls drinks. When they ask how their vacation is going, the Girls admit they’re having a terrible time. Winston says he’s rented a sailboat and offers to bring the Girls along on an evening cruise, which they agree to enthusiastically. Dorothy goes to call Sophia before heading out.

Sophia and Toshiro are now eating Italian food, which he’s enjoying. She tells him that she’s attracted to him, which he understands, but there are still some communication issues. These two are honestly adorable. Sophia goes in for a kiss but is interrupted by the phone call from Dorothy. She’s not pleased, and gets the phone call over with as quickly as possible. This time, it’s Toshiro who initiates the kiss.

Sometime later, Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose are on a beach with the three young men. They sailed into a storm and are now shipwrecked. Naturally the Girls are not pleased with the boys and Blanche and Dorothy start a huge argument. It’s Rose, of all people, who stands up and takes charge, citing her survival knowledge as a Scout. She starts barking orders, telling the other Girls to make a campfire, and Dwayne, Rick, and Winston to follow a path that might lead to a waterfall. Everyone leaps into action, with Blanche and Dorothy being a little scared at how commanding Rose is being.

Hours later, the Girls are grouped around the campfire and the men haven’t returned. Rose, now considerably less confident, thinks they might die and confesses that her confidence earlier was mostly bravado, and she can’t actually help them survive. Under the pressure, the Girls start confessing secrets to each other, including Rose once read Blanche’s diary, Rose once had her nose done and she and Dorothy hid it from Blanche, and Blanche and Dorothy both slept with Rose’s cousin Nolan. Finally they all shout each other into silence.

BLANCHE: You don’t think anything happened to them? DOROTHY: No, I think they probably just stopped to rest. BLANCHE: Yeah, or maybe they’re looking for something to carry the water back in. ROSE: Maybe they were clawed to death by bloodthirsty animals.

After a few moments they start apologizing to each other and say that, if they’re going to die, at least they’re together. Rose bursts into song -- specifically “I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing” -- and suddenly the boys emerge from the trees with tropical drinks. They discovered that they never left the resort island and were in fact wrecked next to the actual resort. The Girls agree to keep their confessions to themselves, and they all go off to the Hyatt Regency together singing “I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing.”

“If I put cracked ice and an umbrella on your head, you’d be a Mai Tai.”

This is a really hard episode to judge, because it’s got very funny parts even if I find the scenario kind of silly. Several of the individual scenes make me laugh, but the episode doesn’t hang together terribly well, and it kind of sucks that the B-plot, as cute as it is, doesn’t last for very long. I would have enjoyed seeing the Girls come home after their ordeal and finding out exactly what Sophia had been up to while they were gone.

ROSE: *on her millionth question* Did you call a cab to take us to the airport? DOROTHY: No Rose, I called two cabs. One for Blanche and me, and one for you, cause you’re making me crazy with all your questions! ... ROSE: Now whose cab is this? Is this yours or mine? DOROTHY: Rose, there’s only one cab. ROSE: Well how am I gonna get to the airport? DOROTHY: Run behind it!

This is one of those “away” episodes where we spend the majority of the episode somewhere other than the Girls’ house. The Girls are off to what they think is a luxurious Caribbean resort, only to find everything not exactly as advertised. Oh the days before online reviews, when you just had to trust that everything was as it looked in the brochure. That’s not to say this couldn’t happen today, but it does make this episode feel like a product of its time.

So much of this episode is memorable, even if in a weird way: The argument over the girls’ “ocean view,” the porter stomping on the bed, Rose snapping and taking charge after the shipwreck. Even if the whole episode doesn’t make a lot of sense, those scenes stick in the mind. And the final scene plays out like one of those single-scene arthouse plays, and it’s always great to see Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy just sit down and talk, as it capitalizes on the actresses’ tremendous chemistry with each other.

I guess if I have one problem with this episode, it’s that the writers felt like they were trying to cram too many different ideas into one episode, any of which would have made a perfectly satisfactory A-plot on their own: The Girls go on a vacation that turns out badly; they end up having to share a bathroom with three men; they get shipwrecked on an island. The young men are a good example of this. For starters, how did the Girls not notice another door leading out of their bathroom when they arrived? They’re in very little of the episode comparatively speaking, and are a plot convenience to get the Girls shipwrecked. Also, if the Girls can’t leave their crappy hotel because they already prepaid, how do they expect to afford a room at the Hyatt Regency?

It’s almost a pity Sophia couldn’t accompany them, because I can’t picture her putting up with even half of the hotel’s foolishness like the rest of the Girls do. This is yet another one of those episodes where Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy go away for some reason and leave Sophia out of things. They do invite her along, but she actually turns them down this time. Turns out there is one reason why Sophia won’t complain about being the “Tonto of the group:” She’s trying to get herself a date.

DOROTHY: Ma, I hate leaving you like this, I really do. Why don’t you come with us? BLANCHE: Yeah, come on, Sophia! It’ll be fun! ROSE: *taking out the brochure* Oh, and the resort is absolutely gorgeous. Look here, here’s our room. Isn’t that beautiful? You can have the king-sized bed. SOPHIA: There’s already two people in it.

I almost wish that B-plot took up a little bit more of the episode. One, because I hate it when Sophia is in less than half of the episode and disappears before the final third. Two, because this is the first time Sophia’s had a romance plot in the series, and it deserves more screentime. I always enjoy how this show makes it so clear that women can have love lives no matter what age they are, and while we’ve been aware that Sophia dates around from her saying as much, this is the first time we’ve seen it happen onscreen.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Toshiro Mitsumo, Sophia’s Japanese gardener love interest, was played by Keye Luke, the actor who played Lee Chan in the Charlie Chan films. Those films may not have aged well in terms of a white actor playing the role of a Chinese detective, but I always enjoyed Luke’s performances as Chan’s “Number One Son.” Here he doesn’t get much to do as Mr. Mitsumo, but he still manages to look very cute flirting with Sophia.

RICK: So, how have you ladies been enjoying your vacation? DOROTHY: As a child, during the Depression, I had to have my wisdom teeth extracted by a shoemaker. That was more fun than this.

I mean, part of me finds it ironic that the episode acts like sushi is exotic and disgusting, to the point where Sophia slips it into her purse rather than eat it. I know that, at the time, most people probably weren’t as familiar with sushi, so it probably didn’t sound appealing to the average Golden Girls viewer, but it’s hilarious considering you can now get sushi very easily in most major American cities (including Miami), and probably a lot of minor ones too.

In the end, while I do love parts of this episode and they gave me a few laughs, it’s a hard one to judge. Still, if nothing else, it gave us some very memorable scenes of our favorite Girls out of their element, and Sophia her first love interest of the series.

Episode rating: 🍰🍰🍰 (three cheesecake slices out of five)

Favorite part of the episode:

The Girls contend with their poor accommodations and Rose has another of her flights of fancy:

[bobasheebaby]

125 Golden Girls Prompts

This time I have some hilarious prompts from some hilarious women. These help keep me sane, send in prompts or request a specific show. Long as hell, breaking at 15.

1 “Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.” – Dorothy

2 “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” -Blanche

3 “They were all buying T-shirts, you know, the ones that say, ‘Today is the first day of the end of your life.’” — Dorothy

4 “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” – Sophia

5 “Nobody ever believes me when I’m telling the truth. I guess it’s the curse of being a devastatingly beautiful woman.” – Blanche

6 “No! No, I will not have a nice day!” -Dorothy

7 “Excuse me NAME, have I given any indication at all that I care?” – Sophia

8 “No one in my family has ever seen a psychiatrist ... except of course, when they were institutionalized!” – Blanche

9 “Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad, and still look so good?” -Blanche

10 “Condoms, NAME! Condoms, condoms, condoms!” – Dorothy

11 “It’s like life is a giant weenie roast, and I’m the biggest weenie!” – Rose

12 “He’s/She’s really a very sweet man/woman. He/She just doesn’t like to show it.” — Dorothy

13 “I eat raw cookie dough. And occasionally, I run through the sprinklers and don’t wear a bathing cap. And at Christmas, I’ve been known to put away more than one eggnog.” – Rose

14 “I could get herpes listening to this story!” – Dorothy

15 “I’ve been having a good time, and there wasn’t even a man/woman in the room.” -Blanche

16 “Why don’t I just wear a sign, ‘too ugly to live’?” – Dorothy

17 “I though I was gonna die. I swear I have never felt such agony. I saw my entire life flash before my eyes and I thought, ‘What a shame if I die now, I’m too young…and I’m wearing the wrong underwear.’” — Blanche

18 “You’ll have to excuse NAME. HE/She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered him/her totally annoying.” – Dorothy

19 “Eat dirt and die, trash.” – Blanche

20 “[to NAME] You’re a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.” – Dorothy

21 When I was a child, I used to get overexcited and pet the cat too much.” – Rose

22 “I feel that you have backed me into a corner, and when I am backed into a corner, I come out fightin’ like a wildcat. Unless I’ve had too much to drink, in which case I slide down the wall and make mad passionate love on the carpet.” – Blanche

23 “NAME, you’re one chromosome away from being a potato.” – Dorothy

24 “If this sauce was a person, I’d get naked and make love to it.” – Sophia

25 “I hate to admit it but he/she melts my Haagen-Dazs.” – Rose

26 “Want a glass of water to wash down your foot?” – Sophia

27 “Like I’m the only person who ever mixed a margarita in a sailor’s mouth?” – Blanche

28 “I feel like crawling under the covers and eating a box of Velveeta.” – Rose

29 “When I say jump, you say ‘on who?'” – Blanche

30 “I’m jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo.” – Blanche

31 “How come whenever my ship comes in it’s leaking?” – Dorothy

32 “Tell me the truth: do these glasses make me look stupid?” – Rose

33 “If I had that money I could have moved into a swinging condo instead of living with—I better not say anything until I’ve had my coffee [sips coffee]—a slut and a moron!” – Dorothy

34 “Go hug a landmine!” – Dorothy

35 “Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk!” – Sophia

36 “NAME? Hubba hubba zing zing, baby, he’s /she’s got everything.” – Rose

37 “I could vomit just looking at you!” – Dorothy

38 “There is a fine line between having a good time and being a wanton slut. I know. My toe has been on that line.” – Blanche

39 “It’s like you people don’t pay any attention to me whatsoever.” – Rose

40 “Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I’d run around naked.” – Sophia

41 “I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.” – Sophia

42 “Oh, don’t give up, NAME. If the ancient Egyptians could move 20-ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.” – Rose

43 “NAME, honey… have you been washing the fruit off before you eat it?” – Dorothy

44 “Tell me, is it possible to love two men/women/people at the same time.” “Set the scene, have we been drinking?” — Rose & Blanche

45 “NAME, what are you listening to?” “A relaxation tape. The rain is supposed to relax me.” “Is it working?” “Not really. I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.” — Dorothy & Rose

46 “NAME, I have a feeling you’re lying.” “NAME, be positive.” “Okay, I’m positive you’re lying.” — Dorothy & Rose

47 “You are undoubtedly the meanest, sickest person I’ve ever met! Not to mention the most unattractive.” — Blanche

48 “Where are you going?” “To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I’ll decide in the car.” — Rose & Dorothy

49 “Let me tell you a story. Picture it, PLACE …” —Sophia

50 “NAME, wake up. My husband/wife/partner will be home any minute.” — Dorothy

51 “I’m NAME and I know it isn’t pertinent at the moment, but I’m double jointed.” — Blanche

52 “He’s/She's really a very sweet man/woman. He/She just doesn't like to show it.” — Dorothy

53 “You know, sometimes when people are under pressure, they sleep to escape.” — Rose

54 “Have you noticed that NAME has been acting peculiar?” “Yes, NAME, from the first day that I met him/her!” — Blanche & Dorothy

55 “Oh, NAME, how do you feel about performing in front of a video camera?” “I think it's okay as long as you've already had at least three dates.” — Rose & Blanche

56 “I never grew a beard!” “You never grew brains, either!” — Rose & Sophia

57 “It wasn't a rat! It was a cute little mouse.” “NAME, it doesn't wear white gloves and work at Disneyland! We're talking about a rodent!” — Rose & Dorothy

58 “My whole life is an open book.” “Your whole life is an open shirt/blouse!” — Blanche & Sophia

59 “Oh, you don't have to worry about me, honey. I never get sick. I take very good care of myself. I treat my body like a temple.” “Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.” — Blanche & Sophia

60 “Oh, NAME. Can I make a little suggestion when you go for your makeover?” “Sure. What is it?” “Don't expect a miracle.” — Sophia & Dorothy

61 “Why am I even discussing this with you?” “Beats the hell out of me!” — Dorothy & Sophia

62 “Well, what do you know? NAME has a past!” “That's right! But unlike yours, I didn't need penicillin to get through it.” — Blanche & Sophia

63 “I'm going to have to meet men/women lying down.” “I thought you did.” — Blanche & Sophia

64 “Here we are in the middle of a crisis and there’s no cheesecake.” — Blanche

65 “Can I ask a dumb question?” “Better than anyone I know.” — Rose & Dorothy

66 “NAME, ‘disdam’ is not a word. You made it up.” “It’s a word.” “Fine. Use it in a sentence.” “You’re no good at disdam game.” — Dorothy & Sophia

67 “He’s/She’s undressing me with his/her eyes.” “Do you wanna move tables?” “Not yet, he’s/she’s only half done.” — Blanche & Rose

68 “You know, there is nothing worse than being wide awake and scared and by yourself!” “Oh yea there is: being wide awake and scared and by yourself without a double-fudge chocolate cheesecake in the freezer.” — Dorothy & Rose

69 “You know what would go so good on this cheesecake is those chocolate sprinkles.” “We finished those an hour ago.” “We could crush some Oreos on top.” “We ran out of those two hours ago.” “How about some whipped cream?” “Mmm!” — Dorothy & Rose

70 “You bought a chocolate cheesecake?” “Just for an emergency.” — Dorothy & Rose

71 “I just need some cucumbers to put on my eyes. It’s very good. It reduces puffiness.” “Does it work on thighs?” — Blanche & Rose

72 “I have a date.” “With a man/woman?” “No, NAME. With a Venus fly trap.” — Dorothy & Blanche

73 “Do you know what your trouble is?” “Of course not.” — Dorothy & Blanche

74 “I think there’s a connection between your brain and wallpaper paste.” — Sophia

75 ““Forgive me, NAME, but I haven’t had sex in AMOUNT OF TIME and it’s starting to get on my nerves.” – Sophia

76 “Do you know what I hate doing most after a big party?” “Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?” — Blanche & Rose

77 “I've never been so humiliated in my life.” “What about the time you lost the key to your handcuffs and had to go with that guy/girl on his/her mail route?” — Blanche & Dorothy

78 “You are not gonna believe this. NAME, just called me.” “I didn't think the two of you were speaking.” “Well, we're not.” “Then how'd you know it was him/her on the other end of the line?” “NAME, you're bringing down the curve for the whole country.” — Blanche, Dorothy & Rose

79 “Oh, my goodness. Look what I found. Double-fudge cookies. I thought we agreed not to keep cookies in the house.” “Right, after this last box.” “You're not going to eat them, are you?” “No, NAME. We're going to go to some dumb country and try to use them as money.” — Rose, Blanche & Dorothy

80 “I can't believe you said that! Oh, if I weren't a lady I'd deck you.” “You try and I'll have you on your back so fast you'll think you're out on a date.” — Blanche & Dorothy

81 [NAME running after a dog] “Ha! Would you look at that: man's best friend, chasing man's best friend!” — Dorothy

82 “I won't stand for this!“[gets up and starts to walk out] “Take it, NAME!” “But I bet you'll lie down for it.” — Blanche, Sophia & Dorothy

83 “NAME, you should make us eat dirt, make us grovel, give us the silent treatment...” “NAME, if you give us the silent treatment, I will eat dirt.” — Rose & Dorothy

84 “Cooking, NAME?” “No, NAME, I'm developing pictures for the Magellan Space Program.” — Rose & Dorothy

85 “Do we have any orange juice left?” [person two pours the rest in their glass] “No, we’re all out.” — Rose & Dorothy

86 “Go hug a landmine.” — Dorothy

87 “Now, what’s wrong?” “I lost it, NAME!” “You never had it, NAME.” — Dorothy & Stanley

88 “You knew I wanted to spend tonight alone.” — Rose

89 “Darn it. I gotta kiss somebody at midnight.” — Blanche

90 “Pizza, dammit! Get pizza!” — Dorothy

91 “What the hell goes on at night in this house?!” — Dorothy

92 “Just drives you nuts, doesn’t it, NAME?” — Rose

93 “Can you believe that backstabbing slut?” — Rose

94 “I’m here if you wanna pick my brain.” “NAME, I think we should leave it alone and let it heal.” — Rose & Dorothy

95 “And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief.” — Sophia

96 "Must you always be so cheerful, you empty headed Mary Poppins knockoff?'—Blanche

97 "What? Are you out of what is left of your mind?!"—Blanche

98 “All I do is listen to your sexual problems. How about my sexual problems?” — Sophia

99 “Blow it out your ditty bag.” — Sophia

100 “Your heart's in the right place, but I don't know where the hell your brain is." — Sophia

101 “Think about it. You live alone. No one likes you." — Sophia

102 “You're moving. Too bad. This would be touching if I liked you more." — Sophia

103 “Go ahead. Stand up and say it. My name is NAME, and I am an idiot." — Sophia

104 “You're here because the rhythm method was very popular in the [insert decade of birth]." — Sophia

105 “Get to the part where they steal the brain out of the dead body and sew it into your head." — Sophia

106 "Exactly how close to the television are you sitting when you're watching TV SHOW.” — Sophia

107 “Boom! You've got a social life." — Sophia

108 “You drink out of a brown paper bag and suddenly everybody’s your friend.” — Sophia

109 “Remember NAME, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” “I think I crossed that line when I got a date!” — Dorothy & Sophia

110 “If you can’t count on family, who the hell can you count on?” — Sophia

111 “In this life, that’s all we have, is hope.” — Sophia

112 “Here’s a newsflash, witches can fly.” — Sophia

113 “It’s great bringing two idiots closer together.” — Sophia

114 “NAME, a man/woman called for you while you were out.” “Finally, now we can break out that bottle of champagne we’ve been saving.” — Rose & Sophia

115 “Gee, with only three hours sleep, I can be just as bitchy as you.” — Rose

116 “Gee, Sophia! You’re awfully cranky today.” — Rose

117 “The doctor says it’s the first time he’s ever been called because a baby was sleeping in the day. And then I think he called me an idiot.” — Rose

118 [astonished]  “You paying for something?” “What are you saying, I'm cheap?” “Well, of course he’s/she's saying you're cheap. You're the only man I know who owns a time-share dog!” — Rose, Stanley & Dorothy

119 “Hey, what is this? You're talking about me like I'm an animal. [sniffing NAME] You've been with a man, haven't you?” — Sophia

120 “I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss.” “Ah, your first kiss was in the rain?” “No, it was in the shower.” — Blanche & Dorothy

121 “You know, I've been thinking ...” “Oh, that would explain the beads of sweat.” — Rose & Blanche

122 “God, I hate morning people.” — Blanche

123 “He’s/She’s a lewd, horny, oversexed beast with five hands.” “You don’t have to build him/her up to me, honey. I like him/her just fine already.” — Rose & Blanche

124 “You ... you ... you rude person!” “Go easy on him/her, NAME.” — Rose & Dorothy

125 “This would be touching if I liked you more.” — Sophia

[sapphicscholar]

The much-requested follow up to the Craigslist Girlfriend Chapter 141! It's all crack and fluff with just a moment or two of discussion about Maggie's past with her family. As my girlfriend put it, "it's too fucking cute." Enjoy!

A/N: Because sometimes I think holidays and a lot of holiday episodes of shows or chapters of fanfic hype up the idea of coming out, just as a reminder, if it isn't safe for you to come out or you aren't ready to deal with questions, you're more than okay not coming out, and you certainly don't have to do it on a day with a ton of other stressors already happening just because it's a "convenient" time when the whole family might already be around. It's a personal choice, not one that society or other people (even family and close friends) get to make for you. And if you have the choice and don't want to spend today with biological family, that's okay too! Do what's best for you personally, and sometimes that means binge-watching shitty TV and eating takeout and ice cream with chosen family.

Chapter Text:

“Did you know about her real job?” Alex demanded, cornering Lucy and pushing her up against a wall.

“Ya know, I’ve had dreams about this exact situation, Agent Danvers,” Lucy taunted, biting at her lower lip and throwing a lewd wink in Alex’s direction.

“I’m being serious. She said you interrogated her with Vasquez. Did you two know?”

“Um, kind of? Not quite. We knew that she wasn’t quite the scumbag she advertised herself as.”

“And how did you find that out?”

“We had her produce all of her old arrest documents and tax returns.”

Alex continued to eye Lucy suspiciously. “They could have been fakes.”

“No, Vasquez brought a computer system and finger print scanner. We knew the stuff was hers, but we let her cover up her last name and all—very generous of us.”

“And so she also covered up everything that identified her prints as belonging to a cop?”

“I guess.” Lucy shrugged, ducking out from under Alex’s arm the moment she relaxed slightly. Now a few feet away from immediate bodily harm, Lucy grinned over at her interrogator. “Now that you know she’s a cop, that change anything? Suddenly noticing how hot she is?”

Scowling, Alex scoffed and shook her head. “She’s still weird enough to lie about herself online.”

“And you’ve never lied online?” Lucy interjected, shooting Alex a disbelieving look.

“Not like that! And I certainly never volunteered to crash Thanksgiving with a bunch of random people!”

“You could have cancelled on her, but you didn’t…” Lucy trailed off, letting the meaning of her words sink in. “I’m just saying, maybe you don’t have that much room to judge.”

“Whatever.” Alex turned back to the two-way mirror, looking in at Maggie, who sat surrounded by large stacks of paperwork all marked up with sticky tabs indicating where she needed to sign, date, and initial. Seeing her look so small at the large table, Alex felt a pang of guilt. After all, the woman was stuck spending a holiday alone with paperwork when the only thing her ad had made clear was that she wanted a hot meal spent with other people, even if she wasn’t quite being honest about whom she was.

With a deep breath, Alex pushed open the door. “I come bearing pie.”

“My savior,” Maggie teased, though her stomach chose that moment to let out a loud growl.

“Yes, well, I suppose you were right about having been promised a meal. And I’m not one to back out of a promise.”

“You did stick with me, even once you met Gertie…”

Alex let out a small snort of laughter but nodded, sinking down into the chair opposite Maggie. “You know, when I was little, I used to beg my parents for a dog.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm. I put together whole presentations about why we should get one. They taught responsibility, encouraged physical activity, increased their owners happiness and longevity.” Maggie bit back a smile, imagining a shrunken down version of the woman sitting in front of her presenting whole stacks of research to her parents. “They insisted we didn’t have enough time to be responsible dog owners. In retrospect…yeah, okay, probably fair. But I had everything planned.”

“That’s really sweet, Danvers.”

Alex shrugged. “Point is, I decided about that time that we would name her Gertrude.”

“That’s, uh, quite the name.”

“You named your truck Gertie.”

“I suppose I did…guess it’s just the universe telling us how perfect we are together,” Maggie teased, though she had to admit, spending the day with Alex was much more fun than she had expected. She felt like she knew her better than a few of the women she’d actually dated in recent memory.

“Ah yes, such a sweet talker. For that I’m taking away your pie.”

“Hey!” Maggie protested, holding out her hands and making a gimme motion.

“Nope. When you’re done—if you’re good.”

“Mmm, now that doesn’t sound as platonic as the ad said.” When Alex’s cheeks colored, Maggie grinned triumphantly. “So what else do I get if I’m good?”

“Both kinds of pie,” Alex deadpanned.

“And if I don’t behave?”

Alex rolled her eyes. “You get thrown into a cell until you do.”

“Kinky.”

“Fuck off.”

“If it means I don’t have to do paperwork anymore…”

Eyeing the large stacks, Alex began flipping through them. “First of all, you’re close to done. Second of all, you’re moving slowly.”

“I’m reading the fine print! I don’t sign something not knowing what it says.”

“What if I tell you—help speed this process up?”

“You won’t lie?”

“We’re on camera if I do.”

“And? I know what happens when tapes get lost.”

“You have my word, alright?” Alex didn’t mention that she also had knowledge that Alex had threatened to kill over on more than one occasion, but Maggie seemed to understand that fact.

“Fine.” So Maggie sat back and began initialing and signing more quickly as Alex sped through the information they contained, reducing 400-page documents to a single sentence: “If you out Kara, the DEO will try to lock you up, but they’ll never find your body because I will have come for you first.”

“Says that in the packet, does it?”

“No, I’m giving you the honest version.”

There was something in the steely glint to Alex’s gaze that told Maggie not to push it—not that she ever had any intention of outing Supergirl anyway. She had enough alien friends and experience with forcible outings to know better. “I would expect nothing less.”

“Good.” And she genuinely believed Maggie for some reason.

Eventually they made it through the large stack, finishing much faster than Maggie ever would have if left on her own. “Well, you’re a free woman now, Maggie Sawyer.”

“I believe I was promised pie when I finished my assignment.”

“Mm, that you were…” Thinking back on it, Alex would never know what led her to suggest it—whether it was the knowledge that Maggie had stood up for her to her mother and, hell, to her own voice of self doubt, or if it was just the fresh memory of the delightful way she’d been such a dick to Mike, or maybe the reminder of Lucy’s words about just how cute the woman was—but Alex took a deep breath and turned to Maggie. “My mom dropped off the leftovers at my apartment, and I’ve even got a bottle of scotch there that I bet pairs well with chocolate pecan pie.”

Tilting her head to the side, Maggie tried to find some hint of sarcasm or a prank to get back at her for lying about her occupation. But Alex looked somewhat earnest, and, maybe Maggie was just projecting, but she almost seemed flirty. “You and me?”

“What? Yeah, I mean, I just, neither of us have anywhere else to go today. Though we could, you know, keep each other company.”

“Yeah—yeah, alright.” Even if she was fairly certain it was only her imagination making Alex’s offer sound distinctly sexual in nature, she was down for pie, scotch, and good company.

---

“You asshole, you were gonna let me break my hand punching an alien in the face?” Maggie cackled, the second or third glass of whiskey having loosened them both up. As she tucked her legs up underneath her on the sofa, she found herself feeling beyond grateful for the sweatpants Alex had let her borrow, even if they were a bit long.

“You’re the one that offered to punch him. I just didn’t say no,” Alex pointed out, snorting as Maggie yelled, “Semantic, Danvers! Semantics!”

Finally pulling herself up off the couch, Alex traipsed over to the kitchen where her mom had stored the leftovers. They probably should have started with food; maybe she wouldn’t be feeling the scotch quite as much as she was if they had. “What do you want?”

You, Maggie thought, shaking her head to get rid of that distinctly dangerous thought. “What are you offering?” she called back instead, thinking flirty suggestions were still better than outright propositions.

“There’s turkey, mashed potatoes—damn, Kara’s gonna be pissed when she finds out mom didn’t leave all of them for her—um, cheesecake, chocolate pecan pie, and some kind of cookie.”

“I was told that the pecan pie was the best in the galaxy—and now that I know that wasn’t an exaggeration…”

“Ugh,” Alex groaned, though she still cut a generous portion and dropped it onto a plate, grabbing a slice of cheesecake for herself. She topped off both of their glasses before settling back down on the couch a bit closer to Maggie than she had been before.

“Cheesecake, really? You gonna tell me you always dreamed of being on the Golden Girls?”

“What?”

“The Golden Girls—the show.” Alex continued to look at her in confusion. “C’mon, Rose, Sophia, Blanche, and Dorothy? Four old ladies living together, kickin it old school down in Florida. Really? Never seen it?”

“Why would I have voluntarily watched a show about senior citizens?”

“Because it was amazing. Duh.”

“Mhm, sureeee.”

“I’m serious! First of all”—Maggie held up her index finger, balancing her plate precariously on her knee—“it was so fucking progressive for its time. Second of all, it was all ladies as the main cast. Third, it’s fucking hilarious.” When Alex still looked unimpressed, Maggie waved a hand dismissively at her. “Whatever, you’re such a Dorothy.”

“What does that mean?”

“Guess you’ll have to watch the show to find out.” Maggie stuck her tongue out at her, not caring how childish it seemed.

“You’re the worst.”

“Nope, can’t be true. Cause I’m also the best.”

“How do you figure that?”

“It’s what all my ex-girlfriends said in bed,” Maggie teased, arching an eyebrow, challenging Alex to respond.

“Mm, find me a girlfriend who’s still your girlfriend to say it, then we’ll talk.”

Biting her tongue, Maggie managed to avoid offering to prove it right then and there. “If I had a girlfriend right now, you would’ve been out a fabulous fake date for the day.”

“There is that.”

“And if I hadn’t been your fake date, you wouldn’t be having this amazing night of tipsy fun right now.”

“I probably would have been tipsy.”

“Yeah, but c’mon, being tipsy with me is like, a bajillion times better.” As if to emphasize her point, Maggie topped off their glasses again, thinking that she should probably call it quits after that—no need to be completely hungover tomorrow, especially when she was sure to get called in for all sorts of Black Friday spats.

“Maybe.”

“Totally. It feels like—like back when you were younger, and at a sleepover, and it was beyond late, and everyone was just a little delirious, but it was so much fun. Like—that time of night when anything could happen ’cause all the grownups were asleep, and it was like you and your friends ruled the world.” She tried not to dwell on how she’d lost several years of those kinds of nights after everything with Eliza—too scared to let herself get close to any of her friends again, too jaded and bitter.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Maggie noticed the faraway look in Alex’s eyes. “So who was she?”

“Who?”

“The girl.”

“What girl?”

“C’mon, the one you used to have sleepovers with and spend all of your time together with—best friend-level status—but when you came out you realized that not everyone also wants to hold their best friend’s hand and snuggle and spend the rest of their lives together and maybe kiss each other.”

Eventually Alex relented, sighing, “Vicky Donahue.” Maggie patted Alex’s shoulder softly. “What about you?”

“Oh, uh,” Maggie stammered; she hadn’t thought this all the way through. “Um, Eliza—Eliza Wilkie. I don’t—I don’t really wanna talk about it, though.”

Sensing the abrupt shift in mood, Alex turned to Maggie, a grin playing about her lips. “Alright, well, fuck them—except, I guess, probably don’t.” Maggie snorted at that. “We still deserve fun sleepovers, just cause we missed out on some of them.”

Wondering if Alex had had something similar happen, or if it was more that all too common story—the fights that seemed to erupt with no explanation, the dissolution of long friendships when the other one suddenly found a boy to occupy her time—Maggie shrugged. “What do you propose?”

“Well you’re too fucked up to drive, that’s for sure.” Maggie nodded in acknowledgment; she hadn’t been planning on driving Gertie home that night. “So eating absurd amounts of dessert and playing stupid slumber party games?” Alex wasn’t entirely sure why she wasn’t ready for the night to end just yet, but Maggie was fun and, she thought, feeling a bit wistful, she hadn’t gotten to have much fun in a while. Sure, Lucy was great, but more and more she spent her time out at the desert base and her weekends with Vasquez. And Alex was happy for them—of course she was—but she couldn’t help but feel a little…lonely, and Maggie seemed like just the way to add some much needed fun back into her life. The whole day was absurd. Why not make it even more so? And then they never needed to see each other again.

“So, what, truth or dare?” Maggie laughed, but Alex just shrugged.

“Alright. Unless you’d rather I straighten your hair…”

“Truth or Dare, Danvers.”

“Dare.”

“Damn…jumping right in there with a dare.” Maggie paused; she’d forgotten how hard it was to come up with good dares, and the alcohol gave her plenty of ideas, but she doubted that any of them were useful. “Uh, I dare you to prank call Mike.”

“He knows my number.”

“You can use my phone. And god, Alex, you block the number, duh.”

Rolling her eyes, Alex accepted the proffered phone, dialing *67, then plugging in Mike’s number. It wasn’t until he picked up that she realized she hadn’t planned anything, and she definitely hadn’t prank called anyone in many, many years. “Um, is your refrigerator running?” Alex asked, fumbling for words as Maggie bit down on her hand to keep from laughing.

“What?” he asked. “Do I know you?”

Panicking, Alex tried to deepen her voice and yelled into the phone, “No! You’re dumb, and I hate you! Bye!”

As soon as she hung up, Maggie howled in laughter. “That was the worst prank call I’ve ever seen in my life.” She wiped away the tears of laughter from her eyes.

“Whatever,” Alex huffed. “Truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

“Why the hell do you advertise on Craigslist for Thanksgiving? Honestly.”

“I used to work the holiday every year, but the kinds of calls you get on holidays—god, there’s only so much you can take of them. This is a way to get a free meal and not have to deal with a reminder that I’m alone, that my own family would rather have an empty seat at the table than see me—all because if I ever brought a date, she’d be a woman.”

“Fuck, Maggie, I—that sucks.”

“It’s been a long time. I’m used to it. The holidays just—it’s nice to have a kind of absurd distraction, see how fucked up other people’s families are too.”

“Yeah? Got any weird stories?” Alex asked, hoping to bring Maggie’s attention away from the past.

“I should make you wait for the next truth, but…I’m feeling generous. Hmm, last year I went with a dude whose whole family was military—really strict. He was an artist, and nothing he did was ever right. I guess they were on his case about bringing a date, and so he figured he’d give them a big fuck you, so I came in there with my “Fuck Bush” t-shirt and talked about getting arrested for protesting the military.” Alex looked rather impressed. “We were asked to leave before dinner was even over, but I snagged a whole pie and a bottle of wine on the way out.”

“So have you ever made it through a full meal?”

“Once or twice. The time I proposed—well that one went almost 7 hours! They needed to know all about me.”

“Have you seen that person since?”

“Nope.” Fixing Alex with a hard stare, Maggie tried to keep a serious face, even as she popped another bite of pie into her mouth. “Your turn. Truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

“Hm…last significant relationship?”

“Uh…god, I don’t know. I tried dating some dude for a bit in college, but that obviously didn’t work out too well—my being a big flaming homo who just hadn’t admitted it yet.”

“Mm, that does put a damper on things.”

“Then grad school and work kept me too busy to do more than a few casual dates now and then.”

“Makes sense.” Maggie didn’t really see who wouldn’t be willing to put up with slightly crazy work hours for a woman as gorgeous and funny as Alex, but then again, women sure hadn’t been willing to stick around for her.

“Truth or dare.”

“Hmm, truth I guess.”

“Worst first date.”

Maggie thought for a moment. “Hmm…back in college I took this girl to see a scary movie—she’d said that she really liked them too. As it turns out, she hated them. By the ten minute mark, she was already crying, and when we left she yelled at me. Apparently I should have realized that she was lying.”

“That sounds…dreadful,” Alex snorted. “If you ever want someone better to go see a horror movie with, I’m your girl.”

Maggie hated the way her stomach flipped at the idea of Alex being her girl. “Is that so?”

“Kara sure as hell won’t go with me.”

“Let me guess: she prefers romcoms where some douche-bro has a nice little redemption arc.”

“Just the ones.”

“Figures.” A beat. “Truth or dare.”

“Truth,” Alex answered.

“Hmm…hold old were you when you lost your virginity? Even if it’s a social construct,” Maggie added.

“Twenty. You?”

“I guess we can call this my next turn—18. So now you go again.”

“Uh, dare, I guess.”

Maggie tried to think of something. “Uh, show me any tattoos you have?”

“Don’t have any. Truth or dare.”

“Ugh, you suck. Um, truth.”

“One of these days, you’ll have to choose dare.” Maggie just shrugged; she would…eventually. “Most embarrassing moment.”

“In thirty years, Danvers? Dear god, how do I choose just one?”

“Okay, just in college.”

“Ooh, it’s a toss up.”

“Between?”

“Got caught a little, uh, less than dressed in the library. And accidentally sent something to a professor that was very much not meant for a professor.”

“How did you do that?”

“A couple of shots and too many documents saved on my desktop with less than descriptive file names.”

“Ugh, you’re one of those people?”

“Not anymore,” Maggie laughed. “Alright, your turn: truth or dare.”

“I guess truth.”

“Celebrity crush.”

“Oh but there are so many…”

“Pick one!”

“Um, oh god, what’s her name?” It was on the tip of her tongue, but the scotch was making her thoughts a little fuzzy around the edges, and Maggie’s hand that had somehow made its way to her knee wasn’t helping. “Um, she played Wonder Woman?”

“Oh fuck, yeah, she’s hot. Totally get it.”

“Yeah, anyway, truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

Alex cackled gleefully before suddenly pausing. “Um…huh, this is harder than I remember.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well back with friends we’d do stupid shit, like make each other dress up in ridiculous outfits or go streaking down the block.”

“You want me to go run a lap around the floor of your apartment building in the nude?” Maggie teased.

“Wha—what? No!” Forcing herself to laugh, Alex tried to drive away thoughts of what Maggie might look like naked, hoping the other woman hadn’t noticed the way her gaze had dropped, though her smirk seemed to suggest that she had definitely noticed.

“So if not that, then what’ll it be, Danvers? What do you want me to do?” She definitely didn’t imagine the slightly strangled noise Alex let out at that particular phrasing.

Trying to think of the least sexual thing she could, Alex suggested, “Let me give you an absurd hairstyle, then you have to snapchat a selfie with it.”

“Deal. Maggie turned around so that her back was to Alex and pulled her hair tie out, letting her hair fall to her shoulders. It wasn’t until Alex was up on her knees, her fingers raking through her hair, that Maggie realized she hadn’t quite thought this through, hadn’t quite realized just how sensual it could feel to have Alex touching her, even if it was to give her an absolutely hideous new look.

Running her fingers through Maggie’s hair, Alex tried to ignore the small shiver that ran through the smaller woman’s frame, tried to convince herself that she imagined the small moan of contentment. Instead she focused on giving Maggie the closest approximation to Cindy Lou Who’s hairstyle she could come up with.

By the time she finished, Maggie nearly fell off the couch in her rush to get away from Alex’s hands, from the heat of her body, from the chance that she would do something stupid like turn around and kiss her frustratingly kissable lips. Luckily catching sight of her new do was enough to completely distract from the situation at hand. “Oh my god,” she cackled. “What is this?”

“You like? Maybe I should contemplate a career change.”

“Oh for sure. Totally worth the risk.” Alex laughed and shook her head, finishing off her cheesecake while Maggie sent the photo around to a few of her closest friends.

Over the course of a few more rounds, Alex talked about her gay awakening and was given 60 seconds to pull together the most ridiculous outfit she could find—returning in as much neon as Kara had left in her closet over the years as she could gather in the allotted time—and Maggie was forced to eat some hideous concoction of the first three ingredients she touched in Alex’s fridge with her eyes covered.

Once she was done rinsing her mouth out for what felt like a thousandth time, Maggie turned back to Alex. “Truth or dare?”

“Um, truth.”

“Hmm…got a crush on anyone at the moment?” Maggie hoped it sounded innocuous enough, like it could totally just be one friend asking another friend, not angling or hoping for anything in particular.

Swallowing thickly, Alex made a noncommittal noise. “Maybe.”

“Well that sounds promising.”

“I don’t know—just, someone new. She seems fun, like maybe she’d be worth the risk.”

“Is she cute?” Maggie wondered if she was more of a narcissist or a masochist, though really that depended on whether or not Alex was talking about her.

“I’d probably say hot, but yeah, she’s cute too.”

“Probably pretty cool and suave too, huh?”

“Meh,” Alex teased, wondering if Maggie knew it was her. “She’s kind of dorky, comes off a little weird too.”

“Bet she’s still one of the coolest people you’ve ever met.”

“We’ll see…” Alex took a sip of the water she’d switched to about the time of Maggie’s absurd kitchen dare. “Truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

Bracing herself, Alex tried to look nonchalant. “What about you? Found anyone you like recently?”

“I think so…”

“That so? Think she likes you back?”

“I sure hope so.”

“What’s she like?”

Maggie couldn’t help the dopey grin. “She’s really smart—like, genius level, ya know? And she’s just gorgeous. And, sure, okay, a huge nerd and probably not the smoothest person out there, but I think she might—she might get me, like, she might not try to change me into someone I’m not.”

Alex nodded earnestly. Even if Maggie wasn’t talking about her, she deserved someone who would give her all of that, deserved someone who would more than make up for the family she’d lost. God, she chastised herself, this so wasn’t like her. She didn’t fall head over heels for random people she barely knew, even when they did stand up for her and look that hot holding a gun and a badge. Kara was the one who got butterflies, who imagined futures together on first dates, who fell heart first without constantly second-guessing herself.

“Danvers?”

“Huh?” Alex shook herself from her thoughts.

“I said truth or dare.”

“Oh, um, dare.

Maggie nodded, trying to gather her courage. “You know, um, dares don’t have to be done at this moment, right? Like, if circumstances aren’t right, of if you don’t want to…”

“Well obviously, you didn’t say that you double dog dared me,” Alex teased, trying to lighten the mood. It seemed to work as Maggie cracked a smile.

“Right, right. Just a normal dare.” Maggie forced herself to look up at Alex’s face. “Well then, first chance you get, I dare you to kiss that crush of yours.”

“First chance, huh?”

“First chance,” Maggie confirmed.

They both sat there for a moment, neither one of them moving, until Alex surged forward. She could have been smoother about it or tried to go slow enough to make sure Maggie really knew what she had dared her to do, but she knew if she didn’t move quickly, she’d lose all her nerve. So she pressed her lips to Maggie’s, just barely kissing her despite the grand lead up to it all.

Before Alex could panic, backing off and rambling apologies until Maggie left her apartment, she felt a warm hand cupping the back of her neck and dragging her forward, their lips crashing together. And somehow, dressed in a neon yellow t-shirt with lime green leggings on and hot pink knee socks—she still wasn’t sure where Kara even found these types of things or why she had left them all at Alex’s place—and half-straddling a woman in overly long sweatpants with her hair done like Cindy Lou Who, Alex felt like she was enjoying one of the most romantic holidays of her life.

[amanda-teaches]

Undercover

Summary: Dean and you are dancing around your feelings for each other when Sam finds a case that might just draw the two of you together.

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 2638

Warnings: A tinsy bit of swearing. Mostly fluff.

A/N: This one is for two challenges. The first is @kas-not-cas’s 2.5k dialogue challenge. My prompt was “I can’t marry her. She’d kill me within a week!”. And, the second is for @itswitchcraft-not-googlemaps‘s Golden Girls 1.5k challenge. That prompt was Dorothy: “I have a date” Blanche: “With a man?” Dorothy: “No, Blanche. With a Venus Fly Trap.” Congrats to both of you wonderful ladies on your milestones! I hope you like what I put together. :)

You trudged into the motel room just behind Sam and Dean, all three of you looking visibly exhausted. You had just wrapped up a week-long hunt, and you and the boys were running on fumes.

Sam peeled off from the group and walked over to the chair by the window to sit down, stretching his feet out in front of him. Dean, on the other hand, moved straight to the bed and fell face down on his stomach, letting out a long and dramatic groan. “I’m so tired, I think I could sleep for a week.”

Sam chuckled wearily. “A week already? On the drive home, it was only a day.”

“What can I say? I think I’m growing more tired by the second.” Dean said. “Besides, I think I deserve a week after that fight.”

You sat down on the bed beside him and laughed. “Take it easy, grandpa. It wasn’t that bad.”

“Oh, yeah?” he muttered. “That’s easy for you to say, Y/N. You didn’t have to be that vamp’s bait.”

“Oh, you big baby,” you said teasingly. “You loved being the center of attention.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Dean grumbled, turning to face you with a smile. “And, just for that ‘big baby’ crack, you get to make the beer run.”

You laughed again and stood up, stretching your arms up over your head, willing the fatigue away. “As tempting an offer as that is, I’m going to have to pass. I have a date.”

Dean sat up straight at that announcement, his fatigue suddenly gone. “With a man?”

You glared at him. “No, Dean. With a Venus Fly Trap. Yes, with a man!”

Sam laughed at that, drawing a glare from Dean. He immediately closed his mouth and looked down, a small smile still on his face. You looked at the two of them questioningly until Dean turned back to you.

“Who’s your date with?” Dean asked, his voice sounding uncharacteristically unsteady. You raised your eyebrow, but answered him anyway.

“That cute cop we met at the crime scene. Officer Pearson.”

“That moron?” Dean scoffed. “He couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag, let alone solve a crime. He’s not worth your time!”

“What are you talking about?” you asked. “I thought you liked Bryce? You said he was a good guy when we worked with him.”

Dean crossed his arms and frowned. “Well, I don’t like him now. You shouldn’t go out with him, Y/N. You can do better.”

You looked down. You knew you could do better. But, the only man that you were truly interested in only saw you as a friend: Dean. He was the only man for you, but he was more interested in the waitresses and barflies he met on the road than you. He always had been. You had long ago given up hoping that Dean would ever pick you.

So, when Bryce asked you out, you’d said yes. He was a nice enough guy, and he’d treat you to a good time. You knew it could never go anywhere, because he couldn’t make you forget about Dean, but it’d help for the night. “I appreciate your concern, Dean, but I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl.”

You waved goodbye and left to go to your room to shower and change, leaving Dean dismayed and Sam concerned. “You ok, man?”

Dean blinked twice before looking over at Sam. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because Y/N is going out on a date. With someone other than you.”

“Hey, Y/N and I are just friends. She can go out with whoever she wants.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Come on, Dean. It’s me. You don’t have to hide your feelings.”

Dean frowned. “I hate when you go all psych on me, Sammy.”

Sam stared at him intently, until Dean finally gave in. “Fine! Yeah, it’s bugging me. I want to rip that guy’s throat out. But, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“You can tell her how you feel.” He held up his hand before Dean could object. “Trust me, Dean, if the choice was between you and Bryce, she’d pick you.”

“I can’t,” he snapped back, before softening his tone. “What if something went wrong, Sammy? What if someone used her to get to me? It’s not like that hasn’t happened before. I can’t put her in jeopardy like that.”

Sam gave him a look filled with sympathy. “You can’t stop living life because you’re afraid.”

“I am not afraid!” Dean growled.

“Mmm hmm….” Sam muttered, unconvinced. “I’m just saying that if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you and Y/N. You could make each other happy. You shouldn’t pass that up.”

“Yeah, whatever you say Dr. Phil,” Dean said sarcastically. He jumped up and walked towards the bathroom. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m gonna go take a shower.”

“I thought you were tired.”

“Not anymore!” Dean yelled over his shoulder before he slammed the bathroom door shut.

Sam sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Geez. Those two really are clueless.” He shook his head resignedly before opening up his laptop and getting to work on finding their next case.

The next morning, you sauntered into Sam and Dean’s room bright and early with three cups of coffee in your hand. Your date with Bryce had been boring, which was disappointing because you’d been hoping for a fun escape from your feelings for Dean, but, you had gotten a good night’s sleep, leaving you energized and ready for the day. So, the night hadn’t been a total loss.

You put the coffee on the table by the window and moved to pull open the curtains. Bright sunlight filled the room, causing both Sam and Dean to sit up and shield their eyes.

“Good morning!” you announced happily, turning towards them with a smile. Sam muttered a quiet ‘good morning’ in response and got up slowly, moving towards the coffee like it was a magnet.

Dean, on the other hand, laid back down with a groan. “Turn off that light…”

You laughed. “That light would be the sun.”

“Then turn off the sun,” he muttered before rolling back over and covering his eyes with a pillow.

You narrowed her eyes and bit your lip in concentration. Then, you walked past Sam, a clear purpose in your mind, and kneeled down on Dean’s bed, bouncing gently. “Come on, sleepyhead! Rise and shine!”

“Ugh…” he groaned, more gruffly this time. You kept bouncing, going faster in an attempt to get Dean to give in and get up. He started to bat at you with one of his hands, pushing you away, but you dodged his blows and continued to bounce.

After a minute, Sam stepped closer to the two of you with his warm smile in full effect, the coffee already taking a noticeable effect on his energy level. “Y/N’s right, Dean. You’ve got to get up. We have to hit the road. I found us a case.”

Those four words had Dean moving immediately, years’ worth of hunter instincts kicking in. He sat up quickly, nearly knocking you over. He reached out and steadied you before you could fall and pulled you gently towards him, throwing an arm around your shoulders to anchor you. “What case?”

As Sam answered him, you ducked out from under Dean’s arm and scooted towards the other end of the bed. You tried to ignore the way your heart sped up the second he touched you. Or the butterflies in your stomach when he pulled you against him. You were over Dean. It was just a little crush that you had under control. Going on that boring date last night proved that. Right?

Yup, this is healthy, you thought to yourself. Obsessing over Dean. Again. Time to snap out of it, Y/N.

You took a deep breath and tuned back into what Sam and Dean were saying.

“I can’t marry her!” you heard Dean exclaim. You turned to him, suddenly interested.

“Marry who?!”

Sam turned to you with a questioning look in his eyes. He was probably wondering why you hadn’t been listening. “You, Y/N. He needs to marry you. Well, pretend marry at least.”

“ME?! Why?”

“Like I said, we need someone to go undercover at the fundraiser to provide a distraction so I can get into the computer system. I can’t do it, because I need to get to the computer, so it has to be you and Dean.”

“Wait a second…” you said, holding up your hands. “Rewind and pause. What kind of a case is this?”

Sam sighed, but repeated himself calmly and patiently. “Last night, I was tracking some demon activity in Chicago. I traced it all back to one house, which seems to be the source.”

You shook your head, still confused. “Whose house is it?”

Dean responded very quietly and seriously, still looking straight at Sam. “Senator Geoffrey Cardin.”

“Whoa…” you whispered. Senator Cardin was one of the most powerful politicians in Washington. If he was a demon, that could only mean bad things.

“Yeah,” Dean said, echoing your shock.

Senator Cardin was currently running for reelection, which was probably why there was a fundraiser. A VIP only fundraiser. Sam had to have pulled a lot of strings to tickets to that. Probably pledging some money from a “big name donor” who would never end up paying up.

Suddenly, you had a thought. “Wait, why do we need to go undercover at the fundraiser? Can’t we just sneak in and gank him the old-fashioned way?”

Dean grinned and pointed at you. “I like that idea better.”

You nodded, but Sam sighed. “I already told you. I need to get into the records on his computer. He could have information on other demons, or even Crowley, that we could use to beat them. This is bigger than just one demon.”

“Fine,” Dean growled. “I understand that. But, why do Y/N and I need to pretend to be married?”

“The only tickets I could snag were for a couple, not two singles.”

“But, I can’t marry her. She’d kill me within a week!”

“Hey!” You yelled. You tried to ignore the hurt that tore through you at the realization that Dean couldn’t stand the thought of being married, even pretend married, to you, but it still stung.

Dean turned to you and gave you a small smile. “Oh, come on, Y/N. You know what I mean. No one would ever buy us as a couple. They’d see right through it.”

“Well, you’re just going to have to make it work,” Sam said firmly. “Because it’s the only option we’ve got.”

You looked over at the man you were in love with. How could you possibly get through this without messing everything up?

The next night, you were standing in front of the bathroom mirror in a motel on the outskirts of Chicago, IL, where Senator Cardin was throwing his campaign fundraiser at his massive estate. You smoothed out the fabric of the long, black, figure-hugging evening gown you had picked up that morning. You didn’t usually dress this extravagantly, so you felt incredibly self-conscious. It was bad enough that you had to pretend to be married to Dean all night without somehow slipping up and admitting that you loved him, but now you had to do it in a fancy dress and heels.

You sighed deeply, trying to will yourself to step outside the bathroom to meet Sam and Dean. “Let’s get this over with.”

You stepped through the doorway, your eyes instinctively seeking out Dean. He was standing by the door, with his back to you, talking to Sam. You couldn’t even see all of him, but you could already tell that he looked amazing in his tuxedo. Not that you were surprised.

You waited patiently until Sam looked up and saw you. He did a double take before grinning and gesturing for Dean to turn around.

When Dean turned, he had a frown on his face, probably from whatever Sam had been saying, but it instantly vanished the second he saw you. His jaw dropped and his eyes widened as his gaze moved down your body, taking in your outfit.

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, as if he was trying to decide something. Your self-consciousness flew back, and you assumed he was trying to figure out how to tell you how awful you looked. “Does it look alright?”

Dean grinned, like he was suddenly sure about something. “Sam, can you give us a minute?”

Sam smiled knowingly and nodded before stepping out into the hall. You really started to worry then.

“Dean, what is it? Do I look horrible? I knew it. This is never going to work.”

Dean drew in a breath and walked towards you slowly, not stopping until he was right in front of you. “Y/N, you look beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that I’m wondering why the hell I waited so long.”

You scrunched up your face. “Waited for what?”

“For this,” he whispered just before his lips crashed into yours. You stumbled in surprise, but he steadied you, pulling you into him. The second your body touched his, you melted, your arms sliding up to wrap around his neck and your mouth opening to respond to his. He took control, the heat and passion radiating from him and into you, making your knees go weak. It was a good thing he was holding you up, because, if anything was going to make you pass it, it was going to be a kiss from Dean Winchester. And, boy, did that man know how to kiss.

When the kiss was over, he pulled away, leaving you bemused and dumb-struck. “What….Why did you….What?”

Dean laughed quietly. “What?”

“You know what! Why did you kiss me?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Dean…” you said warningly.

Dean grinned broadly and tightened his hold on you. “I kissed you because I wanted to. Because I like you, Y/N.”

Now it was your turn to smile. “You do?”

“Yeah, I do. Of course I do. How could I not? You’re beautiful, smart, funny. Kickass.” He added with a smile, drawing a laugh from you. “And seeing you standing there looking so drop-dead gorgeous in that dress, I couldn’t stand the thought of not kissing you.”

You leaned in to kiss him again but then thought better of it and pulled back, tilting your head up to look into his eyes. “But, wait a minute. If you liked me, then what was that, ‘I can’t marry her’ stuff about?”

He looked down, chagrined. “I was worried that if I had to pretend to be married to you, even for just a night, I wouldn’t be able to hide how I felt about you and I’d mess up our friendship. So, I said that to try to get Sam to drop the plan.”

You grinned and started laughing. “I was thinking the same thing about you!”

Dean started laughing along with you, before leaning in and silencing you both with a kiss. “I guess we really are alike.”

“I guess we are,” you whispered. You pulled back and grabbed the lapel of his suit jacket. “Let’s go show everyone just how in sync we are, husband, and when we get back, I’ll show you all the fantasies I was trying to hide from you.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Then he leaned in to devilishly whisper in your ear, his breath tickling you. “And, you’d better rest up now, because I’m have a feeling we’re going to be up allllll night.”

The way he said it didn’t sound like an idea, but like a promise. A promise you were more than happy to let him keep.

Tags (List is open! Let me know if you want on or off!):

@hamartiamacguffin @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @katymacsupernatural @impandagrl @cyrilconnelly @jpadjackles @damnandriel-in-hell @impala-dreamer @castielhasthetardis @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes

[one-of-us-blog]

One for the Money (TGG, Season 3, Episode 2)

Today Eli is forced to watch and recap One for the Money, Episode 2 of the third season of The Golden Girls.  Will this episode have a big payoff, or just feel like a cheap attempt to snag some chuckles?  Keep reading to find out…

Jon, I really enjoyed your take on Midnight.  I personally like the episode a lot, but I understand how it might not be incredibly fun to watch.  I’m glad you appreciated it as a sci-fi story though!  And I’ll be looking forward to your take on the rest of the series as we head into the home stretch.  But for now…

Let’s head to Miami!

Written by Kathy Speer, Terry Grossman, Barr Fanaro, Mort Nathan, and Winifred Hervey Stallworth, directed by Terry Hughes

In the kitchen, Rose is reading a magazine when Dorothy and Blanche return home with a pizza.  Sophia also enters to make the girls sample some water she’s eager to peddle.  They all agree that it’s tasty, and she reveals that it comes from the hose in the backyard.  They’re rich!  The girls point out that Sophia is always on the lookout for get-rich-quick schemes, but she says that she isn’t the only one with big dreams.  Remember that time they all thought catering was their meal ticket?  Well I don’t, but apparently we have another flashback episode in store.

We cut to the first flashback, and the girls are preparing food for a wedding.  Rose is feeling the pressure, but Sophia is embellishing about how much tougher they had things back in Sicily.  The girls start a chicken-stuffing assembly line, and Rose kicks off a railroad-style sing-a-long.  It’s DE-LIGHT-FUL.  Someone shows up at the door at 3 AM, and the gals are concerned.  But it’s Priscilla (the bride-to-be), who says she’s calling the wedding off with her fiancé (Ramon) because he banged her bestie.  The girls try to sympathize, but they’re pretty concerned about the sudden chicken surplus they’re about to have on their hands if this wedding doesn’t go through.  The phone rings, and we learn that the girls are calling themselves Miami Moms Catering.  It’s Ramon, and he wants to apologize.  After calling him the scum of the Earth, the girls become conflicted again.  Do they convince these kids to get back together just for the sake of the almighty dollar?  Well, yes, of course they do.  Priscilla and Ramon reconcile on the phone, and the wedding is back on.  The trouble is, now they want to elope, and the girls are still going to be stuck with a load of clucking chicken on their hands.  Dorothy appears to understand and gives Priscilla a fine piece of crystal before sending the girl on her way…and then calling the police to report that she’s been robbed.

Back in the present, the girls are still in the kitchen and also still wondering why Sophia is so obsessed with money.  She reveals that she really wants a new TV.  Dorothy recalls another time that she wanted a new TV, but Sophia jumps in to cut her off and tell the story herself.  The setting is Brooklyn, 1954…

In our next flashback, we see young Sophia sewing up a storm in her Brooklyn apartment.  Sal comes home, and we actually get to see him this time!  Well, we get to see him briefly at least, but he makes a beeline for the kitchen to find his dinner; he finds a TV dinner waiting for him, and begins an investigation.  Young Dorothy also arrives (portrayed by the same actress as in a previous episode, and I have to admit I really like her), and wonders if Sophia would be able to watch the kids for her a couple days a week so she could pick up some work hours.  She wants to buy a TV.  Sophia has an immediate reaction and says no; she says that television is just a fad.   Dorothy threatens to leave the kids with Stan’s mother instead, but this clearly gets to Sophia.  Oh, and by the way, Sal is REALLY enjoying his TV dinner in the other room all this time.  He also gets Sophia to fess up that she is doing all this sewing so that they can afford the TV they already bought for Dorothy and Stan.  Dorothy, in turn, admits that she wanted to buy a TV for Sal.  They agree that they’ll just buy televisions for each other.  Sal, meanwhile, has decided to head out for fresh air and beer.  But he and Sophia first have a nice, loving exchange so that we can see the two really care for each other.

We’re in the kitchen again, and the gals are splitting up the pizza.  They almost leave out Sophia (who doesn’t generally like store-bought pie), but she claims that she’s always being left out of things.  Like that dance marathon, for instance…

We cut back to a big dance.  Blanche shows up with a dry cleaner for a date, but she really wants to catch a doctor.  Dorothy also comes with a date, and a little spat breaks out between the two friends.  Blanche thinks she has this marathon in the bag, but Dorothy points out that the dance won’t be taking place on their backs.  Rose also shows, and since the three friends are all gunning for the $1,000 prize, more smack talk ensues.  The marathon kicks off, and right away Blanche’s date tries to call it off; she has to urge him on the indecent promises for post-dance activities.  Later, Rose starts up a St. Olaf story on the dance floor, and Dorothy calls shenanigans; clearly, this woman is trying to put the other contestants to sleep!  Now it’s time to get serious, and Dorothy calls for some octane.  Once she gets the juice, she and her date start dancing up a storm to In the Mood.  Blanche gets jealous and she and her date steal the dance floor, but then Rose moves in for a solo act.  She shows off some serious moves, complete with cartwheels and flips (and not at all performed by an obvious stunt double).  We jump ahead again to hour 13, and everyone is barely hanging on.  Blanche’s partner taps out, forcing her to steal a man from one of the remaining pairs (with more indecent promises).  Dorothy’s partner soon quits, followed by Rose’s.  It looks like Blanche has won!  But wait, Dorothy and Rose return to the dance floor as partners to claim victory as the scene closes.

Back in the kitchen for the final scene, we learn that Dorothy and Rose were disqualified (which sounds like discriminatory bullshit to me), and Blanche won the $1,000.  But she was a good sport, and shared $10 with each of her friends.  Sophia asks if the other girls think she’s cute, because her new ploy is to put her face on a jar of spaghetti sauce.  But when Dorothy points out that her face would be competing with Paul Newman’s, Sophia decides to look for a new scheme.

The End.

I’m always a bit hit or miss on these flashback episodes, but this one was a lot of fun!  It lacked any touching moments like the previous episode had, but it certainly had some fun scenes.  I particularly liked Rose’s railroad-style chicken song, and I liked seeing all the girls get wild on the dance floor.  It’s like they could hear Jon’s latest selection from Funky Jam Friday blaring in the dance hall!  At any rate, I don’t have a lot of thoughts to share on this one, but it was a hoot.  I give One for the Money a score of 4 poofy hairdos out of 5.

Join us on Tuesday, when I will be reviewing Bringing Up Baby, the next episode of The Golden Girls.  And don’t forget to stop in tomorrow, when Jon will be giving us his take on Turn Left, the next episode of Doctor Who.  Until then, as always, thank you for being a friend, and for being One of Us!

[demitgibbs]

Adam Rippon Talks Finding His Gay Power, Fetish-Inspired Costumes

Being yourself can take you places. If you’re Adam Rippon, born and raised in Scranton, Pennsylvania, it can take you all the way to Pyeongchang, South Korea, where the 28-year-old set fire to the ice last February, becoming the first openly gay male athlete to win a medal — a bronze — for Team USA in a Winter Olympics.

Rippon’s mere existence as a brazenly gay global inspiration with a tongue as sharp as the blades on his skates is notable. Writer Peter Moskowitz recently celebrated Rippon in a piece for Splinter titled “The Faggy Magic of Adam Rippon.” And at a Stars on Ice show in Detroit, Michigan, in April, Rippon garnered by far the most enthusiastic response, winning applause from tween girls, a squadron of proud queers, and suburban moms, alike. Reese Witherspoon loves him. So does Elmo. And like any good mother, Sally Field tried to set him up with her gay son.

Rippon would make his Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) debut a couple weeks after our call, slaying a Vogue-fortified cha-cha to RuPaul’s “Sissy That Walk.” I caught up with the phenom via phone as he put on his face inside the locker room of a Rhode Island arena (a Stars on Ice stop). Rippon opened up about how booze kills his wit game and what he tells guys on Tinder who want a second chance, all the while, being his irresistible self.

WATCH:

[Editor’s Note: This issue of Hotspots went to the printer before ABC’s live DWTS finale, so as you may know, Adam Rippon and his partner Jenna Johnson won the Mirrorball Trophy]

I want to give you a phone hug and say thanks for giving this 35-year-old man a new level of realness to aspire to.

I’m hugging you back.

You stood next to Britney Spears at the GLAAD Media Awards recently for a pic. I hear she liked the way you smelled.

Yes, she did. I congratulated her on her award, and she was like, “You smell really nice,” and I was like, “Thank you so much, ’cause that’s so important to me.”

Your fellow gay Olympian, [freestyle skier] Gus Kenworthy, kissed you on stage that night. How exactly would you describe your relationship with Gus at this point?

Umm [laughs], so, I mean, we’re just friends, obviously. His boyfriend was backstage laughing at him, and so he was just trying to be funny. Gus is a nut.

But you’re so close. And both of you being gay Olympians, it seems you’ve really bonded.

Oh, absolutely. We’re just like brothers — brothers who kiss, I guess. But no, I love him. He’s so nice, and we’re very good friends.

What was it like competing against Tonya Harding on Dancing with the Stars?

It’s not a super big deal, but I think she’s got a lot going on, so I’m just gonna let her do her own thing, probably. Probably best.

Team Tonya or Team Nancy?

Well, I mean, Tonya tried to kill someone, so I’m Team Nancy, probably.

What did you think of I, Tonya?

I loved it. I thought Margot Robbie [who played Harding] was great. Amazing.

Who would you cast as Adam in I, Adam?

Well, Margot did so well. So, maybe Margot Robbie?

Who inspires your on-ice style?

The skating world inspires it a little bit, and then…  you’re gonna know that I’m trashy. I look at like, um, sex stuff and stuff people wear — harnesses and stuff — and the design is quite amazing. I bring [stuff] to my costume designer, and we make them more appropriate for a competition.

For a PG audience?

Yes. Actually, it’s not for that audience. But I make it for them.

That harness you wore to the Oscars in March: Where is it?

It’s in [fashion designer] Jeremy Scott’s office. The suit was by Moschino, so it was from Jeremy’s office and he lent it to me. I’m obsessed with Jeremy. He’s amazing.

Do you get to keep these costumes?

I keep my own costumes. Because, like, I bought them, outright. But the Oscars outfit was for the runway — so, from the red carpet back to the office.

Hard to give that up. So many opportunities to wear something like that.

I know! Like to a wedding. The grocery store.

Were you a sassy kid?

I don’t think I realized how sassy I was till I was at the Olympics and people were like, “Ahahaha, you’re so sassy.” And I was, “Ahahaha… you think so?” And they’re like, “Oh yeah, you’re, like, sassy.” And I was like, “I just thought I was fresh?” And they’re like, “No, you’re sassy.” Oh. OK.

Who inspires your sassiness?

The person who inspires me to be sassy is my mom.

So it’s in the blood.

[Laughs.] Yeah, it’s definitely in the blood. It’s something I can’t control.

Born this way.

Born this way, for sure. Genetics.

Your future: What’s off the table? Where do you draw the line?

Like, I’m not gonna do porn. That’s drawing the line, I guess. I don’t think I would do a reality show — I mean, I did Dancing with the Stars. That’s a reality show. I’m not gonna do, like, Big Brother or anything.

You’re getting a lot of offers. What percentage are you turning down?

I’m talking a little bit to everybody. But honestly, my schedule’s so crazy right now, I barely even know where I am.

The media loves getting you drunk.

Here’s the thing: I don’t drink a lot. Barely anything. And so everyone’s like, “Haha, come on the show and just have drinks!” And I’m like, “OK.” So, I’ll have a little bit, but I feel like I’m way funnier not drunk. I’m not as sharp, I’m not as witty; I’m not myself when I’m drunk. I mean, I like to be in the moment. If I’m in the moment, I can focus, and then I can be quick and witty.

You’ve been on this wild ride: the Olympics, Stars on Ice, Dancing with the Stars. How will you spend a day off when you finally get one?

Um, probably napping.

The whole day?

The whole day.

You have a new man, Jussi-Pekka Kajaala. He’s very good-looking.

I do. He’s super cute, but more than that, he’s super nice and funny.

Before you met, what criteria did you have for a boyfriend?

I really wasn’t looking for anybody. I was on Tinder just for fun. If you’ve ever been on Tinder, you know how you swipe left and right, and it basically turns into this game?

Oh yeah. It’s like the new Hot or Not.

It’s absolutely that. My criteria for a good boyfriend would be somebody who has passion. Passion is super important to me because, no matter what you do, if you have passion for it, then that’s kind of what life is all about — that you have passion for something. [Laughs.]

I’m being so serious. Usually when I get asked this question, I’m like, “a job, goes to the gym” — which is also important.

How many people on Tinder believed you were really Adam Rippon?

Nobody gave a shit that I was Adam Rippon. But I can tell you that everyone I ever matched with who ghosted on me has messaged me since the Olympics. My favorite is, “Oh, it’s been a while. How ya doing?” And I’m like, “Bye.”

You give them more than they deserve, honestly.

Usually I don’t answer.

Do you expect there will be a day when an openly gay figure skater can just be a figure skater?

Yeah. And I hope there’s a day that an openly gay Olympian will just be an Olympian. But I think right now it’s important to share your story.

For me, it’s not being gay that I share; I share my coming out. It’s not like, “Oh, I’m gay and I’m powerful” — which is, like, so true. It was [during] my coming out experience when I started to really own who I was and that’s where I found a lot of power. I was always me, but I didn’t always own it. And when I owned it, that’s when I found I was my strongest.

Have you had any particularly moving exchanges with young queer fans?

Yes. There’ve been many. I’ve run into a few young people who told me they tried to kill themselves at one point, which is incredibly hard to hear, especially from really young kids.

It’s bizarre to be thanked for just being who you are, and for someone to tell you that you really helped them, it’s incredibly humbling. I was not expecting that kind of response after the Olympics.

Do you feel pressure to act or be a certain way because of that?

No more than the way that I’ve been acting.

Good. To end, which Golden Girl are you?

Probably Blanche. Isn’t everyone Blanche? And I’m a little — OK, I’m mostly Dorothy.

It’s the snark.

It is the snark.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/05/24/adam-rippon-talks-finding-his-gay-power-fetish-inspired-costumes/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.tumblr.com/post/174210916115

[cynthiajayusa]

Adam Rippon Talks Finding His Gay Power, Fetish-Inspired Costumes

Being yourself can take you places. If you’re Adam Rippon, born and raised in Scranton, Pennsylvania, it can take you all the way to Pyeongchang, South Korea, where the 28-year-old set fire to the ice last February, becoming the first openly gay male athlete to win a medal — a bronze — for Team USA in a Winter Olympics.

Rippon’s mere existence as a brazenly gay global inspiration with a tongue as sharp as the blades on his skates is notable. Writer Peter Moskowitz recently celebrated Rippon in a piece for Splinter titled “The Faggy Magic of Adam Rippon.” And at a Stars on Ice show in Detroit, Michigan, in April, Rippon garnered by far the most enthusiastic response, winning applause from tween girls, a squadron of proud queers, and suburban moms, alike. Reese Witherspoon loves him. So does Elmo. And like any good mother, Sally Field tried to set him up with her gay son.

Rippon would make his Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) debut a couple weeks after our call, slaying a Vogue-fortified cha-cha to RuPaul’s “Sissy That Walk.” I caught up with the phenom via phone as he put on his face inside the locker room of a Rhode Island arena (a Stars on Ice stop). Rippon opened up about how booze kills his wit game and what he tells guys on Tinder who want a second chance, all the while, being his irresistible self.

WATCH:

[Editor’s Note: This issue of Hotspots went to the printer before ABC’s live DWTS finale, so as you may know, Adam Rippon and his partner Jenna Johnson won the Mirrorball Trophy]

I want to give you a phone hug and say thanks for giving this 35-year-old man a new level of realness to aspire to.

I’m hugging you back.

You stood next to Britney Spears at the GLAAD Media Awards recently for a pic. I hear she liked the way you smelled.

Yes, she did. I congratulated her on her award, and she was like, “You smell really nice,” and I was like, “Thank you so much, ’cause that’s so important to me.”

Your fellow gay Olympian, [freestyle skier] Gus Kenworthy, kissed you on stage that night. How exactly would you describe your relationship with Gus at this point?

Umm [laughs], so, I mean, we’re just friends, obviously. His boyfriend was backstage laughing at him, and so he was just trying to be funny. Gus is a nut.

But you’re so close. And both of you being gay Olympians, it seems you’ve really bonded.

Oh, absolutely. We’re just like brothers — brothers who kiss, I guess. But no, I love him. He’s so nice, and we’re very good friends.

What was it like competing against Tonya Harding on Dancing with the Stars?

It’s not a super big deal, but I think she’s got a lot going on, so I’m just gonna let her do her own thing, probably. Probably best.

Team Tonya or Team Nancy?

Well, I mean, Tonya tried to kill someone, so I’m Team Nancy, probably.

What did you think of I, Tonya?

I loved it. I thought Margot Robbie [who played Harding] was great. Amazing.

Who would you cast as Adam in I, Adam?

Well, Margot did so well. So, maybe Margot Robbie?

Who inspires your on-ice style?

The skating world inspires it a little bit, and then…  you’re gonna know that I’m trashy. I look at like, um, sex stuff and stuff people wear — harnesses and stuff — and the design is quite amazing. I bring [stuff] to my costume designer, and we make them more appropriate for a competition.

For a PG audience?

Yes. Actually, it’s not for that audience. But I make it for them.

That harness you wore to the Oscars in March: Where is it?

It’s in [fashion designer] Jeremy Scott’s office. The suit was by Moschino, so it was from Jeremy’s office and he lent it to me. I’m obsessed with Jeremy. He’s amazing.

Do you get to keep these costumes?

I keep my own costumes. Because, like, I bought them, outright. But the Oscars outfit was for the runway — so, from the red carpet back to the office.

Hard to give that up. So many opportunities to wear something like that.

I know! Like to a wedding. The grocery store.

Were you a sassy kid?

I don’t think I realized how sassy I was till I was at the Olympics and people were like, “Ahahaha, you’re so sassy.” And I was, “Ahahaha… you think so?” And they’re like, “Oh yeah, you’re, like, sassy.” And I was like, “I just thought I was fresh?” And they’re like, “No, you’re sassy.” Oh. OK.

Who inspires your sassiness?

The person who inspires me to be sassy is my mom.

So it’s in the blood.

[Laughs.] Yeah, it’s definitely in the blood. It’s something I can’t control.

Born this way.

Born this way, for sure. Genetics.

Your future: What’s off the table? Where do you draw the line?

Like, I’m not gonna do porn. That’s drawing the line, I guess. I don’t think I would do a reality show — I mean, I did Dancing with the Stars. That’s a reality show. I’m not gonna do, like, Big Brother or anything.

You’re getting a lot of offers. What percentage are you turning down?

I’m talking a little bit to everybody. But honestly, my schedule’s so crazy right now, I barely even know where I am.

The media loves getting you drunk.

Here’s the thing: I don’t drink a lot. Barely anything. And so everyone’s like, “Haha, come on the show and just have drinks!” And I’m like, “OK.” So, I’ll have a little bit, but I feel like I’m way funnier not drunk. I’m not as sharp, I’m not as witty; I’m not myself when I’m drunk. I mean, I like to be in the moment. If I’m in the moment, I can focus, and then I can be quick and witty.

You’ve been on this wild ride: the Olympics, Stars on Ice, Dancing with the Stars. How will you spend a day off when you finally get one?

Um, probably napping.

The whole day?

The whole day.

You have a new man, Jussi-Pekka Kajaala. He’s very good-looking.

I do. He’s super cute, but more than that, he’s super nice and funny.

Before you met, what criteria did you have for a boyfriend?

I really wasn’t looking for anybody. I was on Tinder just for fun. If you’ve ever been on Tinder, you know how you swipe left and right, and it basically turns into this game?

Oh yeah. It’s like the new Hot or Not.

It’s absolutely that. My criteria for a good boyfriend would be somebody who has passion. Passion is super important to me because, no matter what you do, if you have passion for it, then that’s kind of what life is all about — that you have passion for something. [Laughs.]

I’m being so serious. Usually when I get asked this question, I’m like, “a job, goes to the gym” — which is also important.

How many people on Tinder believed you were really Adam Rippon?

Nobody gave a shit that I was Adam Rippon. But I can tell you that everyone I ever matched with who ghosted on me has messaged me since the Olympics. My favorite is, “Oh, it’s been a while. How ya doing?” And I’m like, “Bye.”

You give them more than they deserve, honestly.

Usually I don’t answer.

Do you expect there will be a day when an openly gay figure skater can just be a figure skater?

Yeah. And I hope there’s a day that an openly gay Olympian will just be an Olympian. But I think right now it’s important to share your story.

For me, it’s not being gay that I share; I share my coming out. It’s not like, “Oh, I’m gay and I’m powerful” — which is, like, so true. It was [during] my coming out experience when I started to really own who I was and that’s where I found a lot of power. I was always me, but I didn’t always own it. And when I owned it, that’s when I found I was my strongest.

Have you had any particularly moving exchanges with young queer fans?

Yes. There’ve been many. I’ve run into a few young people who told me they tried to kill themselves at one point, which is incredibly hard to hear, especially from really young kids.

It’s bizarre to be thanked for just being who you are, and for someone to tell you that you really helped them, it’s incredibly humbling. I was not expecting that kind of response after the Olympics.

Do you feel pressure to act or be a certain way because of that?

No more than the way that I’ve been acting.

Good. To end, which Golden Girl are you?

Probably Blanche. Isn’t everyone Blanche? And I’m a little — OK, I’m mostly Dorothy.

It’s the snark.

It is the snark.

source https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/05/24/adam-rippon-talks-finding-his-gay-power-fetish-inspired-costumes/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazin.blogspot.com/2018/05/adam-rippon-talks-finding-his-gay-power.html

[hotspotsmagazine]

Adam Rippon Talks Finding His Gay Power, Fetish-Inspired Costumes

Being yourself can take you places. If you’re Adam Rippon, born and raised in Scranton, Pennsylvania, it can take you all the way to Pyeongchang, South Korea, where the 28-year-old set fire to the ice last February, becoming the first openly gay male athlete to win a medal — a bronze — for Team USA in a Winter Olympics.

Rippon’s mere existence as a brazenly gay global inspiration with a tongue as sharp as the blades on his skates is notable. Writer Peter Moskowitz recently celebrated Rippon in a piece for Splinter titled “The Faggy Magic of Adam Rippon.” And at a Stars on Ice show in Detroit, Michigan, in April, Rippon garnered by far the most enthusiastic response, winning applause from tween girls, a squadron of proud queers, and suburban moms, alike. Reese Witherspoon loves him. So does Elmo. And like any good mother, Sally Field tried to set him up with her gay son.

Rippon would make his Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) debut a couple weeks after our call, slaying a Vogue-fortified cha-cha to RuPaul’s “Sissy That Walk.” I caught up with the phenom via phone as he put on his face inside the locker room of a Rhode Island arena (a Stars on Ice stop). Rippon opened up about how booze kills his wit game and what he tells guys on Tinder who want a second chance, all the while, being his irresistible self.

WATCH:

[Editor’s Note: This issue of Hotspots went to the printer before ABC’s live DWTS finale, so as you may know, Adam Rippon and his partner Jenna Johnson won the Mirrorball Trophy]

I want to give you a phone hug and say thanks for giving this 35-year-old man a new level of realness to aspire to.

I’m hugging you back.

You stood next to Britney Spears at the GLAAD Media Awards recently for a pic. I hear she liked the way you smelled.

Yes, she did. I congratulated her on her award, and she was like, “You smell really nice,” and I was like, “Thank you so much, ’cause that’s so important to me.”

Your fellow gay Olympian, [freestyle skier] Gus Kenworthy, kissed you on stage that night. How exactly would you describe your relationship with Gus at this point?

Umm [laughs], so, I mean, we’re just friends, obviously. His boyfriend was backstage laughing at him, and so he was just trying to be funny. Gus is a nut.

But you’re so close. And both of you being gay Olympians, it seems you’ve really bonded.

Oh, absolutely. We’re just like brothers — brothers who kiss, I guess. But no, I love him. He’s so nice, and we’re very good friends.

What was it like competing against Tonya Harding on Dancing with the Stars?

It’s not a super big deal, but I think she’s got a lot going on, so I’m just gonna let her do her own thing, probably. Probably best.

Team Tonya or Team Nancy?

Well, I mean, Tonya tried to kill someone, so I’m Team Nancy, probably.

What did you think of I, Tonya?

I loved it. I thought Margot Robbie [who played Harding] was great. Amazing.

Who would you cast as Adam in I, Adam?

Well, Margot did so well. So, maybe Margot Robbie?

Who inspires your on-ice style?

The skating world inspires it a little bit, and then…  you’re gonna know that I’m trashy. I look at like, um, sex stuff and stuff people wear — harnesses and stuff — and the design is quite amazing. I bring [stuff] to my costume designer, and we make them more appropriate for a competition.

For a PG audience?

Yes. Actually, it’s not for that audience. But I make it for them.

That harness you wore to the Oscars in March: Where is it?

It’s in [fashion designer] Jeremy Scott’s office. The suit was by Moschino, so it was from Jeremy’s office and he lent it to me. I’m obsessed with Jeremy. He’s amazing.

Do you get to keep these costumes?

I keep my own costumes. Because, like, I bought them, outright. But the Oscars outfit was for the runway — so, from the red carpet back to the office.

Hard to give that up. So many opportunities to wear something like that.

I know! Like to a wedding. The grocery store.

Were you a sassy kid?

I don’t think I realized how sassy I was till I was at the Olympics and people were like, “Ahahaha, you’re so sassy.” And I was, “Ahahaha… you think so?” And they’re like, “Oh yeah, you’re, like, sassy.” And I was like, “I just thought I was fresh?” And they’re like, “No, you’re sassy.” Oh. OK.

Who inspires your sassiness?

The person who inspires me to be sassy is my mom.

So it’s in the blood.

[Laughs.] Yeah, it’s definitely in the blood. It’s something I can’t control.

Born this way.

Born this way, for sure. Genetics.

Your future: What’s off the table? Where do you draw the line?

Like, I’m not gonna do porn. That’s drawing the line, I guess. I don’t think I would do a reality show — I mean, I did Dancing with the Stars. That’s a reality show. I’m not gonna do, like, Big Brother or anything.

You’re getting a lot of offers. What percentage are you turning down?

I’m talking a little bit to everybody. But honestly, my schedule’s so crazy right now, I barely even know where I am.

The media loves getting you drunk.

Here’s the thing: I don’t drink a lot. Barely anything. And so everyone’s like, “Haha, come on the show and just have drinks!” And I’m like, “OK.” So, I’ll have a little bit, but I feel like I’m way funnier not drunk. I’m not as sharp, I’m not as witty; I’m not myself when I’m drunk. I mean, I like to be in the moment. If I’m in the moment, I can focus, and then I can be quick and witty.

You’ve been on this wild ride: the Olympics, Stars on Ice, Dancing with the Stars. How will you spend a day off when you finally get one?

Um, probably napping.

The whole day?

The whole day.

You have a new man, Jussi-Pekka Kajaala. He’s very good-looking.

I do. He’s super cute, but more than that, he’s super nice and funny.

Before you met, what criteria did you have for a boyfriend?

I really wasn’t looking for anybody. I was on Tinder just for fun. If you’ve ever been on Tinder, you know how you swipe left and right, and it basically turns into this game?

Oh yeah. It’s like the new Hot or Not.

It’s absolutely that. My criteria for a good boyfriend would be somebody who has passion. Passion is super important to me because, no matter what you do, if you have passion for it, then that’s kind of what life is all about — that you have passion for something. [Laughs.]

I’m being so serious. Usually when I get asked this question, I’m like, “a job, goes to the gym” — which is also important.

How many people on Tinder believed you were really Adam Rippon?

Nobody gave a shit that I was Adam Rippon. But I can tell you that everyone I ever matched with who ghosted on me has messaged me since the Olympics. My favorite is, “Oh, it’s been a while. How ya doing?” And I’m like, “Bye.”

You give them more than they deserve, honestly.

Usually I don’t answer.

Do you expect there will be a day when an openly gay figure skater can just be a figure skater?

Yeah. And I hope there’s a day that an openly gay Olympian will just be an Olympian. But I think right now it’s important to share your story.

For me, it’s not being gay that I share; I share my coming out. It’s not like, “Oh, I’m gay and I’m powerful” — which is, like, so true. It was [during] my coming out experience when I started to really own who I was and that’s where I found a lot of power. I was always me, but I didn’t always own it. And when I owned it, that’s when I found I was my strongest.

Have you had any particularly moving exchanges with young queer fans?

Yes. There’ve been many. I’ve run into a few young people who told me they tried to kill themselves at one point, which is incredibly hard to hear, especially from really young kids.

It’s bizarre to be thanked for just being who you are, and for someone to tell you that you really helped them, it’s incredibly humbling. I was not expecting that kind of response after the Olympics.

Do you feel pressure to act or be a certain way because of that?

No more than the way that I’ve been acting.

Good. To end, which Golden Girl are you?

Probably Blanche. Isn’t everyone Blanche? And I’m a little — OK, I’m mostly Dorothy.

It’s the snark.

It is the snark.

from Hotspots! Magazine https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2018/05/24/adam-rippon-talks-finding-his-gay-power-fetish-inspired-costumes/

[mredlich21]

You know the concept of “narrowcasting”?  Where you target your content to a tiny tiny audience?  Welcome to a very narrow cast version of Sunday posts!  Just for those of you who are both Indian film megafans, and Golden Girls fans! (also, unrelated, don’t forget to vote for the next tweetalong/watchalong movie on Friday’s post!)

For those of you who are still reading this, I will start by giving the main theoretical underpinnings for my concept of a Golden Girls feature film, and then 3 separate casting options because I just couldn’t decide!

Firstly, as I see The Golden Girls, each of the main four characters have different times in their life when they truly felt their best, when everything was perfect.  I think this is one of the best parts of how the show presents end of life, because most people do have those times at some point.  And when you are in your 50s/60s, those times are usually behind you.  And all you can do is refer back to them in stories and try to remind the people around you of what you once were.

For Rose, it was her childhood, they even give a little backstory to explain it with her early years in the orphanage, that just served to make the later years of her childhood after her family adopted her that much sweeter.  And she has never quite lost that adorable childish side of her.

  For Blanche, it was her young adulthood.  It’s established that her childhood was not that happy, she never felt as loved as her siblings or like she belonged anywhere.  But once she hit puberty and started attracting and being attracted to boys, everything fell into place.  And she had all the love and support she always wanted.  Which is why she has never quite lost that wild teenage girl feel to her.

  For Sophia, I think it is now.  Notice most of her stories of the past are made up.  She has no interest in her “real” past, she would rather live in the moment when she can be as rude and wild and irresponsible as she wants.

But for Dorothy, that time still hasn’t come.  She was an awkward child, she lost her young womanhood in marriage and kids, and now she is in late middle age, still unloved and lonely and trying to find her place.

  And therefore, my Hindi movie version will have Dorothy as the main character, as she tries to find her happy ending!  With Rose and Blanche and Sophia in supporting roles with their own little b-stories.  And all of this based firmly on real episodes of the show.

Blanche’s b-story first, because it is the simplest.  Blanche isn’t really about deep emotions and inner conflict, she’s there to give amazing one-liners and physical comedy.  And, in the Hindi version, obviously a sexy item song.  I want to do just a quick variation on the season 1 episode 9 story “Blanche and The Younger Man”.  As in the original, she will be asked out by a much younger man (let’s make him her dance instructor so we can have a steamy dance number).  She wears herself out getting ready for the date, and when it finally happens, she learns in the middle of dinner that he just wanted to spend time with her because she reminds him of his mother.

But, in my Hindi version, after her date leaves, the maitre’d/restaurant owner comes over and asks her out, because he is so struck by her beauty.  And while he isn’t quite as young as the original date, he is still a good 5-10 years younger than her.

  Rose’s b-story, I want to use a few of her interactions with Miles.  Their first meeting of course, at a community dance in episode 6, season 5 “Dancing in the Dark”.  They love to dance together, but she thinks he is too intelligent and sophisticated to be interested in her.  She embarrasses herself at a faculty party with his university colleagues and feels like he has more in common with Dorothy when they spend time as a group.  But, in the end, he convinces her that her beauty and sweetness and special Rose-ness is all he wants.

That can be the beginning of her story, but I want to add on a couple of bits in the middle, just so we see Rose again.  Maybe something with the episode where she gets sick of how cheap he is and goes out on a double date with Blanche just so she can go to a nice restaurant, and then Miles catches her and they end up talking it out?  I like all the cheapness jokes in that one.  Or else the one where Rose feels like Miles has become boring and they go skydiving at the end.

  And as usual, Sofia doesn’t get an actual story, she just hangs around and makes wise-cracks about everyone else’s stories.  And then gives words of wisdom at the very very end.

  Now, Dorothy’s story is the complicated one!  I am going to combine 4 separate episodes and 3 separate storylines to give her the ending she deserves.

First, there is season 1 episode 14 “That Was No Lady”.  Dorothy is passionately in love for the first time in her life.  She’s never felt like this before.  She and a fellow teacher are sneaking out for long lunches and meeting in hotel rooms in the middle of the day.  But then she finds out he is married and won’t leave his wife for the sake of the kids.  At first she continues the affair because she loves him too much.  But in the end, she realizes she doesn’t like what she has become.

Now, as I picture it, Dorothy in my Indian film version goes through this romance pretty quickly and early.  And Rose’s first meeting with Miles is scattered into the middle of it. And then Dorothy’s first story is over and she returns to form as a somewhat acerbic and entertainingly unhappy person.  At which point, she gets a call out of the blue from her ex-husband, the man who ruined her life, Stanley.

And now we go into the two part “There Goes the Bride” from season 6.  Stanley has returned, and he is different.  Considerate and mature and caring.  But still the man she was married to for 38 years as well, familiar and safe.  She agrees to marry him.  Only on the day of the wedding, he asks her to sign a prenup, showing that he still doesn’t appreciate her and everything she does for him.  INTERVAL

Post interval, we have Blanche’s little filler story with the younger man while people get popcorn and find their seats again.  And then we go straight into a Dorothy story by a back way.  It seems like a continuation of Blanche, she is all excited about her new lover and doesn’t want to entertain her uncle who is coming into town, her father’s youngest brother.  So she tricks him into going out with Dorothy and they have a terrible time together.  Until they decide to play a trick on Blanche and pretend to be in love just to mess with her!  And then in the end, they really do fall in love of course.  But when they tell the news to Blanche, she refuses to accept the relationship, Dorothy is just too different to fit into her family, and to marry her uncle and become her step-aunt.  Her uncle is willing to live with her objections, but Dorothy can’t go against her friend, even if it means breaking her own heart.

Which brings us to “Cheaters” (season 5 episode 22) in which the married lover returns!  This seems like her happy ending, the first man she ever really fell in love with is now free and wants to marry her.  It’s all perfect!  Except that wise Sofia keeps giving him a hard time, and Rose and Blanche aren’t really sure either.  And then my little twist on the plot, in the end Blanche tells her that she is too good for him, she deserves a man who isn’t just marrying the first woman who comes along because he doesn’t want to be single after a divorce.  And while talking, Blanche realizes that Dorothy is wonderful like that and she was blind not to see it!  And rushes out to call her uncle and have him fly down and propose again.

And finally, Dorothy gets her happily ever after!  Married to a wealthy important man who adores her, about to start a new wonderful life, leaving her friends behind her.  And, of course, Rose and Miles and Blanche and her new beau are at the wedding too, and Sofia even gets a vision of her dead Sal in the big wedding dance number (think “Bole Chudiyan”).

(In my version, Dorothy’s wedding dress is considerably less hideous)

Beyond the general plot tweaks, it would clearly be set in Goa instead of Miami.  Rose would be from rural Tamil Nadu instead of rural Wisconsin.  Sofia would be a Punjabi partition refugee instead of an Italian immigrant, and Dorothy would have grown up in Delhi instead of New York.  And Blanche would be..what?  A local Christian Goan, I guess!

So, obviously, this is the perfect movie.  But who to cast?!?!?!?!?  I have been over and over this, and I am still not happy with all my choices.  And I had to come up with multiple casting configurations to make it all work (oh, and remember Estelle Getty was the same age as the others just wearing make-up!  So all 4 actresses should be the same generation):

Really really old classic 60s-70s actresses cast:

Blanche: Saira Banu

(I feel strongly that Blanche has to be played by an actress that was truly stunningly beautiful in her youth, just like Rue McClanahan was)

Rose: Waheeda Rahman

(Southern, sweet face)

Dorothy: Sharmila Tagore

(Confident, powerful personality)

Sofia: Helen

(So cute!)

Blanche’s younger man: Shahrukh

Blanche’s slightly younger man: Jackie Shroff

Miles: Dharmendra

Dorothy’s Married Boyfriend: Prem Chopra

(Obviously, he’s always the bad guy)

Dorothy’s ex: Amitabh

Dorothy’s final husband: Dilip Kumar

(Look how good they looked together!  Also, I’m pretending he doesn’t have severe dementia and can still act for this casting)

Sofia’s Sal in a vision: Salim Khan, obviously

  Kind of old 80s era cast:

Blanche: Shabana Azmi

(Remember, has to be stunningly beautiful in her youth!)

Rose: Sridevi

(Obviously she also fulfills the “stunningly beautiful” Blanche requirement, but Rose is a much harder role.  You need to be able to play silly-but-lovable, which Sridevi is particularly good at)

Dorothy: Ratna Pathak (so excited for her to get a leading romantic role!)

Sofia: Kirron Kher

Blanche’s younger man: Hrithik

Blanche’s slightly younger man: Shahrukh

Miles: Amitabh!  He is the perfect impressive professor type!

Dorothy’s married boyfriend: Naseeruddin Shah. I know, you think he would be the husband, but I think he can pull off charming but weak better than anyone else.

Dorothy’s ex-husband: Boman Irani. Perfect as a the lovable yutz!

(I don’t know what’s happening in this photo but I love it)

Dorothy’s final husband: Jackie Shroff. The perfect man, always.

Sofia’s Sal in a vision: Anupum Kher, of course.

  Really too young for these roles 90s edition:

Blanche: Madhuri

(Just in case we needed proof that she was stunningly beautiful as a young woman)

Rose: Juhi Chawla

Dorothy: Dimple Kapadia

(I know she seems older than the others, but she isn’t really.  Was just launched a lot younger)

Sofia: Rani Mukherjee (picture like in Dil Bole Hadippa.  Heavy make-up just frees something insane inside of her!)

Blanche’s younger man: Tiger Shroff?  But really, who is too young for Madhuri?

(Most importantly, he can dance really well!  I want my Madhuri item numbers!)

Blanche’s slightly younger man: Ranbir Kapoor

(I fully believe that he would fund and produce this movie himself, if we gave him a chance to play opposite Madhuri)

Miles: Shahrukh!  I want to see him playing a glasses wearing professor

(Plus, he and Juhi always have a great time together)

Dorothy’s married boyfriend: Rishi Kapoor, clearly

Dorothy’s ex-husband: Boman Irani (still the perfect yutz)

(Maybe we give him a bad wig to help with the characterization?)

Dorothy’s final husband: Sunny Deol!  Or Jackie Shroff?  I can’t decide.

(Who seems better with her?)

  So, which cast is best?  Or would you mix and match between them?  And are there better options I missed for certain roles?

Silly Sunday Speculative Post: Golden Girls Edition! You know the concept of "narrowcasting"?  Where you target your content to a tiny tiny audience?  Welcome to a very narrow cast version of Sunday posts!  

[dancingoddess]

What if the Golden Girls where Poly?  A Blanche Perspective

Before I begin, I feel the need to explain that this is only an opinion that I have kind of come up with while in a conversation with someone who I would name Sophia to my Blanche.  In my world, those two are incredibly close.  If you feel this is wrong... stuff it, this is my theory.  Haha.  

Ever since I've known the person in my life that I identify as Rose, she has referred to some of our geeky woman tribe as her version of the Golden Girls.  I consider my generation to be a large age range, from my older siblings, to my younger friends.  It's about a 20 year span, and television brings it together with all the shows everyone mutually enjoy.  When I moved in with my roommate, she marked this as “Our Golden Girls” phase, as we were living together.  In this reality, Rose had offered Blanche a chance to move in with her, and allowed her to trust her instincts in learning more about herself.   Rose is a unique individual who has a boyfriend who lives far away, and one day he hopes to move in with the two of them.  Rose and him are going to get married, and if Blanche is still living with them, then he becomes her Waldorf to her Statler... or maybe the other way around?  I'm getting off topic here.   When I would watch the Golden Girls show, I always wanted to identify as Blanche.  She seemed to be the most.. open about herself.  At least with her close friends.  For many years, I hid some of my ideas of how I wanted certain aspects of the world to be.  While I can admit that there is a persona I show to most of the world, I try not to lie to those I care about.  My friends agree; I'm Blanche.   One of the guys on my team were bragging about how much money the guys spent two nights prior, and oh man, he was hungover still.  I chuckled.  A coworker commented that when I chuckle in the way I did, I'm most likely to have a far more interesting story to tell.  While I didn't mention all the details of the night in question, I talked of a time my lady friends from a former job and I took on our own night of drunkenness, and how much we spent.  It was a fun night to remember.  Even in my very wasted state at the time, I still managed to put the contact lenses I wore in the right sides of the case after consuming copious amounts of alcohol.   Sophia as I've mentioned is one of my closest friends.  I've known her the least amount of time, but she knows me the most out of all my Girls.  We have a standing appointment on Wednesday's for whoppers.  There are very few Wednesday's that I'm not over there, hanging out.  I'm there often, as the two of us are that close.  I feel I divide my time between there and home so much that it's like I live there.  I don't mind, and I don't think Sophia minds either.. much. I bring take out a good chunk of the time, only as I pick up for the both of us.  We have a unique dynamic that baffle people who only see it from the outside.  I'll get back to that in another story.   Our Dorothy is the person I technically work the closest with; she's on my team.  I've known her the longest, though we haven't always been as close.  Dorothy has her Stanley, this version a cute lumber-sexual guy, who is very sweet to her.  He's the Stanley I wish Dorothy had ended up with in the end.   In this version of the Golden Girls, we are all fairly close.  Rose, Sophia and I visit Dorothy and Stanley, sometimes other people hang out with us.  Our most recent New Years was all spent together with other friends from our geeky tribe, and Cards Against Humanity was on the list of activities.  Guess who had others give them their raunchiest cards, in hopes of winning that round?  That's right, me. Sophia was falling asleep by midnight.     Now I realize I haven't added the Poly part. I view Poly as having the ability to care and love more than one person in a variety of different ways.  Not all of them are going to be about sex or sexual, but they are as intimate and valuable to me as any other close personal relationship I have.  The Golden Girls may have never had sexual relations with each other, but they were certainly as close as I describe the close relationships I have with my other lady friends.   Rose accepts my weird.  There are times we want to throttle each other, but we also really care about each other, and do things for each other to show this.  The likelihood of me having sex with her or her future fiancee is very low, but to me, they represent a loving, if slightly weird family.  They get me.  Same goes to Dorothy and Stanley; while we don't live together, and will never have sex with each other, what I get from them is acceptance, and hope to know that there are nice people out there that do find each other.   Sophie is one of my soul buddies.  She was there for me during a dark time in my life, and continues to be there for me while I pull my ass out of it.  I'm there for her in all the ways I can be, and it works for her too.  I can't thank her enough for her friendship.  While I tease her with light teasing touch and tickles, that is probably the furthest we will ever go, as our friendship is super important to the both of us.   There are other people in this tribe of friends that I could use other analogies for, and probably will.  I care about each of them, very much.  Love is not always about sex, but it is about being close.  While those mentioned in this story may never see me in the bedroom, they see behind most of the walls I put up to hide the sides of myself I keep from the world.   As Blanche, I have in the past lived up to being her in this version.  I hope to in the years to come continue to explore the many sides of me.  I will probably be the person that will have some interesting stories when we are all in the “Golden Years” of our lives.   To give a taste of what it is like, today I went to visit Sophie after a grueling day of work.  I was spent, and wanting the opinion of her while we ate, and had our “couch session”.  When I proposed the idea of the Golden Girls being Poly, she listened to my theory, and allowed me to debate it out with her a bit, calling it unusual, but then again, I'm an unusual lady.   I came home to Rose, and we chatted a bit about our weekend.  She knew I was a tad moody over the last week, and I got to explain about things going on that caused me to retreat into myself.  She also made me blush after realizing I was in a much better mood, and guessed correctly as to why.  While Blanche in this version doesn't have a poker face, haha, she wasn't forthcoming in the details. But then again, Rose knows her better than most.  

[rachelkaser]

Stay Golden Sunday: Nice and Easy

Blanche’s niece visits and is a little too much of a chip off the old block. Rose and Dorothy try to figure out what to do about a mouse.

Picture It...

Blanche is preparing for the arrival of her niece, Lucy, who’s in town to interview for a college transfer. Dorothy comes running in from the kitchen, afraid of a mouse that has invaded the home, and Rose’s defense of the mouse fails to sway anyone. Lucy arrives and almost immediately leaves to go on a date with a doctor she met on the plane. Blanche, who can relate to wanting to nab a hot guy, approves of her going.

ROSE: If it weren’t for a mouse, just like that little one in the kitchen, I wouldn’t be sitting here today, telling you this story. *beat* SOPHIA & DOROTHY: Call the exterminator.

The next morning, the mouse is still in the house. Blanche is upset because Lucy never came home, though she does almost immediately as Blanche says that. She spent the whole night with her doctor and now has to prep for her interview. The girls discuss this, with Rose disapproving of Lucy’s sleeping with a man she’s only known a few hours. Dorothy doesn’t want to pass judgement, and Blanche makes a comment that this isn’t in character for Lucy (oh boy, is Blanche out of touch).

Later that day, Lucy returns home from the college interview and tells Dorothy how well it went -- and that she won’t be home that night. She’s going on a date with the man who interviewed her. When she sees Blanche, she asks for permission to go away to the Bahamas, leaving out that it’s with a new man, and Blanche approves. Dorothy tells Blanche the truth and does a 180 on her previous refusal to pass judgement, telling Blanche that Lucy may be going just a bit too overboard with men -- or, as Sophia says, “Girl’s a slut.” Blanche is now more concerned about her niece, and Dorothy recommends that Blanche talk to Lucy when she gets home.

DOROTHY: *after a long story about a promiscuous woman who slept with every man in Sophia’s “godforsaken village”* Ma, what does this have to do with Lucy? SOPHIA: Not a thing. It’s the only slut story I know. *quadruple jumps over Dorothy’s checkers*

A few nights later, Blanche wakes up to see Lucy coming home with a third man, a policeman named Ed, who arrested her interviewer paramour for marijuana smuggling. Now Lucy wants to go home with Ed. Blanche finally sees that Lucy may have a bit of a problem, and puts her foot down -- or tries to, anyway. Lucy refuses to listen when Blanche tells her not to go, saying she’s an adult and can do what she wants, and storms out of the house with Ed close behind.

Blanche recounts the story to the other Girls, unsure what to do. The other Girls point out that Lucy’s at the exact age for a college rebellion. Rose relates what she did during her rebellious phase, with her example being stealing her dad’s truck to meet a boy at a bar as a high school student. Blanche’s stories are a little more sordid, and include multiple instances of running away from home -- though she says her big sister Charmaine always brought her back. Dorothy convinces her to play that role for Lucy, and they all decide to go find Lucy at Ed’s apartment, with the mouse giving them a good jump scare on the way out.

DOROTHY: Maybe Lucy could use a big sister herself right now. ROSE: If she doesn’t already have one, I don’t think it’s humanly possible.

At Ed’s apartment, it turns out his white suit wasn’t just a bad costuming choice -- he’s actually a huge fan of Miami Vice, which Lucy’s never seen. Blanche, Dorothy, and Rose arrive, and Blanche takes Lucy into another room to talk to her. Rose makes a comment about Miami Vice, and Ed goes full fanboy on her, quizzing her on the minutiae of the show and being impressed when she knows all the answers.

Blanche talks to Lucy about how the way she’s behaving around men probably isn’t getting her the kind of attention she wants, and Lucy calls her out on the hypocrisy of her saying that. Blanche points out that she dates men for her own enjoyment, not to boost her self-esteem. Lucy tells Blanche that, after being an ugly duckling in her youth, she enjoys being noticed, but Blanche says the problem is that she’s still the ugly duckling in her head, not loving and respecting herself, and no amount of male attention will fix that. They leave the apartment, with Ed asking if he can call her sometime -- Lucy is flattered, but that question was actually directed at Rose.

ED: Rose, you’re just incredible at Miami Vice trivia. I’ve never met anyone so smart! DOROTHY: Ed, for a policeman, you’ve led a very sheltered life.

Later, Dorothy corners the mouse in the kitchen with a broom in hand, prepared to kill it. However, staring it down, she can’t bring herself to hurt it, and proceeds to talk to it, not noticing Rose walk into the room. She finally tries asking the mouse to leave the way it came, and it does, shockingly. Rose is now convinced Dorothy has the power to talk to animals, much to Dorothy’s bemusement.

Lucy leaves, saying goodbye to everyone. The other Girls ask what Blanche told Lucy to help her change her attitude, and Blanche says she told Lucy that she (Lucy) doesn’t need to rely on sex to be liked. Blanche also adds that she implied that she’s not as promiscuous as she likes to claim in order to deter Lucy, but plays coy on whether or not that’s actually true.

“Rose, are you telling a story or performing Our Town?”

This episode manages to pull off a difficult task, I think, by telling a story about sexual promiscuity that is both sex-positive (in a time before that would have really been a thing), and gently remonstrative. I realize that, given we currently live in the age of Tinder and hook-up culture in general, this episode can come off as a little preachy, but I think the general message, about how no amount of shallow attention will take the place of self-love, is still relevant.

DOROTHY: *to Lucy* We enjoyed having you. SOPHIA: So did half of Miami.

There’s a delicate balance to be found in an episode like this, because it’d be very easy to slip into a Madonna/Whore dichotomy, where a woman seeking pleasure for herself is “bad,” but this is The Golden Girls. One of the main characters of the show is an older woman who talks about sex with the same self-indulgent gusto with which most of us would describe a junk food dinner. Fittingly, Blanche does go out of her way to tell Lucy that there’s not a goddamn thing wrong with enjoying the company of men.

But the thing is, as Blanche points out, Lucy’s not doing this for pleasure or to make a connection with anyone -- she’s doing it because she needs the validation. It’s an old stereotype, but I feel like we’ve all met at least one person who measures their worth by how much attention of their desired sex they receive. And Lucy’s not just acting how she thinks popular girls act -- she’s acting how she thinks Blanche acts, and it’s fitting that it’s Blanche who helps Lucy see that this isn’t what she really wants out of her relationships.

It’s very telling that, when Lucy interrogates Blanche about what she (Lucy) looked like as a child, Blanche says that Lucy was beautiful. Lucy protests, as she didn’t see herself that way, but you never get the impression Blanche is insincere. As she points out, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, even the people who think well of you: the important part is loving yourself.

BLANCHE: Let me get a look at you, girl. Mm! Terrific little figure, gorgeous hair, perfect skin. Just like looking in a mirror. SOPHIA: Get some Windex!

It’s a nice sentiment, but the show does kneecap it a little in the final scene when Blanche tells the other Girls that she told Lucy she embellishes the amount of men with whom she’s slept. This bothers me for two reasons: One, we saw the whole conversation between Lucy and Blanche, and Blanche didn’t say that. Two, Blanche just had a scene where she said there’s no shame in having sex with men -- it seems neither in character nor in keeping with the episode’s message for her to get all demure now. I choose to believe she’s just teasing the other Girls and not being strictly serious.

Getting back to Lucy, though, I do have a question: How exactly is she related to Blanche? It’s not uncommon for relatives of the Girls to randomly appear out of nowhere and never be mentioned again after their spotlight episodes -- ironic in this case considering Blanche wants her to transfer to Miami specifically so she can see her more often. You could make a damned riddle out of reconstructing the Golden Girls’ family trees.

For example, we know Lucy is Blanche’s 20-year-old niece, but we don’t know how she’s related to Blanche. Is she Virginia’s daughter? Charmaine’s? Clayton’s? At least when grandson David visited, we knew he was the offspring of Janet. Blanche mentions not wanting to talk to Lucy’s mother about Lucy’s promiscuity because she doesn’t want to breach Lucy’s trust, but the suggestion that that’s who she should go to first suggests to me one of Blanche’s sisters is her parent -- if Blanche’s brother were her father, I think Dorothy would be more likely to say, “You should talk to her father.” Beyond that, though, I have no idea.

ROSE: It wasn’t a rat! it was a cute little mouse. DOROTHY: Rose, it doesn’t wear white gloves and work at Disneyland.

By the way, I don’t mean to be petty, but I have a nit to pick with the Golden Girls Fandom Wiki: It just straight makes up shit about the Girls and presents it as fact. One of the things it makes up is the names and relationships we don’t see in the show. It gives Lucy’s name as “Lucy Warren,” and lists her as the daughter of Virginia and Tom for literally no reason other than “because we said so.” Shape up, guys! I don’t need your headcanons in my tv show encyclopedia!

Though, speaking of encyclopedias, a little trivia for you: The allusions to Miami Vice in this episode aren’t just NBC promoting their other hit show at the time. Miami Vice inadvertently inspired the Golden Girls, as an NBC promo sketch from 1984 had Selma Diamond and Doris Roberts (of NBC shows Night Court and Remington Steele, respectively) ogling Don Johnson, and saying something about a show called “Miami Nice,” about retirees in Florida. I don’t know if any footage of that clip exists -- I sure couldn’t find it -- but Roberts and Diamond’s snappy dialogue and repartee convinced several people within NBC to develop this joke show into the real thing. Several iterations of the idea later, and we got the Golden Girls.

I also enjoy that NBC wasn’t above poking a little fun at itself and the other show. Ed’s apartment is decorated in an unbearably kitsch style, including a life-size fake sheep that Rose spends the entire scene petting. His clothes and self-conscious attempts to look “cool” are lampooned by the Girls, and even Ed admits, in a moment that feels like one set of NBC writers tweaking the collective nose of another, that the salary of an actual Miami police officer isn’t anywhere near enough to fuel the opulent Crockett and Tubbs lifestyle.

ED: Are you a fan of [Miami Vice]? ROSE: I adore it. ED: Me too! Miami Vice has been the biggest influence on my life. That’s why I joined the police force. That’s why I drive a fancy car. That’s why I wear expensive Italian suits. That’s why I’m up to my neck in hock. You can’t afford all that stuff on a vice cop’s salary... Who knew, huh?

Oh, and speaking of Ed, I think he may be one of the earliest and best depictions of a Capital-F Fanboy. He cosplays as Crockett, he attempts to emulate the Miami Vice lifestyle -- hell, it’s influenced his whole career. It’s funny, because his affectations are (rightfully) portrayed as kind of lame and silly, but nowadays I feel like he’d have a six-digit Instagram following and a successful YouTube channel.

Regarding the B-plot of the episode, there’s not much to say, except perhaps it’s the first instance of Rose’s St. Olafian quirks being the main source of conflict  -- in this case, her being convinced that she can talk the mouse into leaving rather than being killed. That’s funny because usually, when Rose’s good-natured idiocy causes a problem, the other Girls more-or-less walk around it, but this is resolved by Dorothy basically doing the exact thing she chides Rose for thinking she can do: Talk the mouse into leaving.

Also, this is going to sound silly, but whoever edited the kitchen scene is a champ. You have Bea Arthur acting at nothing, and B-roll footage of a real mouse on a kitchen set somewhere with an animal handler. Whoever edited it managed to match the perfect little mouse flinches with Bea’s dialogue, so that it really looks like it’s responding to what she’s saying. The best part is when she calls it a rat, and it looks straight at the camera as if to say “Excuse me?” I never thought I’d be praising the acting of a mouse on Golden Girls, but here we are.

Episode rating: 🍰🍰🍰 (three cheesecake slices out of five)

Favorite part of the episode:

ED: *to Rose* Tuesday night, I’m getting together with a couple of buddies. We’re going through Don Johnson’s trash! DOROTHY: Good night, Ed. We’re going to go home now, and I want you to know we’ll all sleep a lot better knowing you’re . . . off-duty tonight.

[one-of-us-blog]

Even Grandmas Get the Blues (TGG, Season 6, Episode 20)

Today Eli is forced to watch and recap Even Grandmas Get the Blues, Episode 20 of the sixth season of The Golden Girls.  Blanche is on babysitting duty for her daughter Rebecca, but when a man mistakes her for the baby’s mother, Blanche sees an opportunity she can’t pass up.  Meanwhile, Sophia attempts to pass on a complicated family recipe, but Dorothy is too distracted by her supposedly superior intellect to be interested.  There is plenty of deception to go around in this episode, but will everyone come clean in the end?  Keep reading to find out…

Happy New Year, everyone!  Despite my good intentions to finish the year strong, I am pretty late in getting this recap posted, which also means that Drew wasn’t able to post his final Doctor Who recap before 2017 ended.  I apologize for that, but I also need to point out what an excellent job he did with his review of The Doctor Falls.  Great work, Cap!  I’m glad that your final CyberAdventure with the good Doctor was a positive experience, and completely agree with your thoughts on the episode.  I love Capaldi’s speech, and while I also love that Missy ultimately made the choice to stand by the Doctor, I find it very appropriate that her former self would rather commit future-suicide by executing his next incarnation than see her side with his greatest enemy.  Anyway, I need to kick off 2018 by getting back on track, so without wasting any further time, let’s head to Miami!

Buttocks tight!

Episode written by Gail Parent and Jim Vallely, directed by Robert Berlinger

Sophia kicks off the morning by asking Dorothy how long it has been since she had sex.  She wants her to serve as queen for the Festival of the Dancing Virgins, an old custom from her village.  Rose says that there was a similar event in St. Olaf, except that it was the Festival of the Dancing Sturgeons.  Anyway, Sophia also wants to teach Dorothy how to make a very special sauce with a recipe that has been handed down for generations.  Dorothy knows that this particular recipe is extremely complicated, and says that she doesn’t have the time because of her new teaching schedule with honors students.  Sophia doesn’t want to take the secret recipe to her grave, and by custom it can only be passed on to either a blood relative or the queen of the festival, so Rose gets volunteered for queen duty.  Blanche appears in costume, as she will be auditioning for a role in The Taming of the Shrew with the community theater.  Her daughter Rebecca shows up at the house and needs Blanche to babysit her daughter, Aurora.  Blanche agrees, despite not liking the name Aurora, or the name Grandma.

Blanche arrives at the theater, though she had to bring a stroller along.  During her audition for the role, baby Aurora begins to cry, and the director shuts Blanche down.  Thankfully, her scene partner, Jason, mistakenly believes Blanche to be the baby’s mother, and Blanche quickly realizes that this is pretty flattering at her age.  She sets up a date with Jason to take the baby to the zoo together, and our main plot is all set up!

Back at the house, we learn that Dorothy is having a tough time teaching the smart kids, and that underachievers aren’t as rude as honors students.  In fact, the new class is making her feel stupid.  Sophia decides to help, and tells Dorothy that many years ago, she was contacted and told that Dorothy had the highest IQ in the borough, 173.  Coincidentally, Rose was told that she had the IQ of a burro.

Dorothy begins feeling pretty smart, and develops a bit of a sense of intellectual superiority.  She even does the crossword puzzle in ink!  Blanche is getting ready for another date with Jason.  She tells the girls about her ruse, and we learn that she has been keeping up the lie about her relationship to baby Aurora for some time now.  She has gone through greater lengths to lie about her age before, and she even threatens to throw Sophia out on the street if anyone blabs on her.  Jason arrives and is followed quickly by Rebecca, who is dropping off baby Aurora.  Blanche takes the baby and boots out her daughter before Jason can catch on to the reality of the situation.  Awkwardly, he begins talking about being a part of her family, and maybe even having a little one of their own someday.  Slow down, Jason!

Sophia and Rose work on the secret sauce (each new person who is taught the recipe gets to add a new component, so keep that in mind) while Dorothy stays up late, feeling too smart and intellectually superior for her own good.  Blanche is worried about the Jason situation, as she isn’t sure that she’s ready to have another baby.  This cracks everyone else up, and earns Blanche some late night zingers.

Rebecca shows up again with the baby, and mentions to Dorothy that Aurora has been having some cute smiles due to gas.  Sophia joins in and delivers a big grin of her own, but doesn’t receive the same admiration.  Blanche is genuinely happy to see the baby, and Rebecca says that she is impressed by her affection, and the open, honest relationship they have.  Jason arrives, and Blanche takes the cue to come clean.  She tells Jason that she is really the baby’s grandmother, and assumes that puts an end to things.  He says that he could have dated a grandmother, but he can’t date someone that he can’t trust.  Unfortunately for Blanche, Rebecca is now mad about the scheme too, and leaves with Aurora.

We cut to nighttime on the lanai, where Sophia and Rose are all set up for the Festival of the Dancing Virgins, but Dorothy is planning to skip out and attend a Mensa meeting.  Sophia is unhappy that Dorothy doesn’t want to be a part of the family tradition, and tells her that she made up the business about the extremely high IQ.  Dorothy is mad that Sophia lied, but it did help her to get along with her class.  Blanche is feeling unhappy, but not about Jason.  She is sad because Rebecca won’t talk to her, and is coming to get the baby’s things.  Rebecca shows up, and things are clearly still tense.  The time for the festival has arrived, and Rose goes to fetch the food.  The new component she added to the meal may or may not be Frosted Flakes.  Sophia really wishes that Dorothy was on board with all of this, and she talks to her about their family traditions, while also telling Rebecca that she shouldn’t turn away from her mother.  Rebecca and Blanche make up, and Dorothy says that she wants to learn how to make the sauce next year.  Sophia is pleased, and assures her that it isn’t really hard…you just have to convince a moron to do all the work for you.

The End

Perhaps I was just in the right mood since I get to leave 2017 in the dust, but I really enjoyed this episode!  It wasn’t perfect, as the plotline with Jason didn’t really do much for me, and the dude seemed to be moving way too fast, but it did lead to some great lines and moments.  In particular, I loved the late night kitchen scene in which Blanche said that she wasn’t sure she was ready to have another baby so soon.  When Dorothy fired a shot at her, it really seemed like Bea Arthur was breaking into laughter, which carried over the Betty White, and it ended up feeling like a very genuine moment.  I also liked seeing Blanche bond a bit with Rebecca and Aurora, even if it was rocky along the way.  And as silly as the idea of the Festival of the Dancing Virgin may have been, I even enjoyed Rose being recruited as queen, and the lie about Dorothy’s high IQ.  I’m giving Even Grandmas Get the Blues a rating of 4 poofy hairdos out of 5.

Check back in soon for Drew’s take on Twice Upon a Time, his final episode of Doctor Who, and I’ll be back before you know it with Witness, the next episode of The Golden Girls.  Until then, as always, thank you for being a friend, and for being One of Us!