#Blame an irl friend of mine for this change in interest

[21ducky]

I HAVE COME TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

I'm sorry guys 😔 /lh /s I'm a Transformers fan now

Anyway, take Blurr drawing I made :D

[sobeksewerrat]

☆~~Elvina The Cock-Kicker~~☆

prolly gonna update or change this later (updated: 25/5/24 [d/m/y])

Uh, hello! Name's Elvina (I also go by AnDrew/AnDrea! And Argo aswell, but you need permission from me to use that one), but you can call me whatever lol

(There is also Eara'as, but who cares-)

Update on 24/2/24: Fuck it I am naming myself Adam too. Yes, after the guy from Hazbin. Sue me. It is one of my favourite names now.

-> لو انت بتكلم عربي و عايز تكلمني بيه ممكن تقلي ربيع او مروان برده!!

I'm an amateur artist and writer; currently trying to graduate as soon as humanly possible (and high school has been kicking my ass)

My tagline is "kinda bored ngl"; seriously it's been in the bio of every social media account I have ever owned since 2019 at some point or another it's actually insane, WHY AM I SO BORED?!?

this intro post pretty much only looks good with the "Vampire" theme, if you don't have that, then it sucks to suck, i guess.

BEFORE YOU INTERACT!!

☆I have a full Rules post but these are some others not included in that or TL;DRs.

-> I block very liberally, but I never just randomly block a mutual (unless it is a joke like in the freakblr war or they did sth horrible). I have severe anxiety so I tend to just block anybody who I feel is aggressive (intentionally or otherwise) or weirds me out.

-> I have a really broken sense of humour and I post a lot about inside jokes and stuff with my mutuals. I know I can't stop you, but if we're not mutuals or you're not involved in whatever inside joke I am talking about please dni with the posts. Once a joke of mine blew up and I deleted the original post and made my friends delete their rbs so people would stop seeing it.

-> I tend to forget to tag TWs properly. If I forget to tag sth, please inform me!!

Fandoms:

Special Interest (persumably): The Music Freaks

Hyperfixations: Ace Attorney, Luca(2021), The Stanley Parable, Story Thieves, Scott Pilgrim , Hazbin Hotel , Avatar: The Last Airbender

Danganronpa V3 [yes, V3 specifically.I don't interact with the fandom much]

Mark and Friends/The World of Mr.Plant

The Disastrous Life of Saiki K

Blue's Story (Victaton)

Big Hero 6

DDLC

Diary of A Wimpy Kid (mainly the Dysfunctional Perspective fancomic)

Al Kabeer (not a fandom technically but who cares)

Sonic

Jackson's Diary

Aurora (red osp)

Riordanverse (including KC and MCGA)

Unfamiliar (Lavendertowne)

FNAF

Omori

Helluva Boss

Obey Me!

Ramshackle

Buncha other stuff that I am too lazy to name (might edit as i post about them)

Fandom Stuff to Tag Me In!!

My Kins!!

Random Bullshit:

Egyptian

fav colour is red

Professional Faggot since 2018 (legally)

Aro/Ace (achillean)

Agender / Aboy (transmasc, pronouns: he/him)

Basically just your local pathetic trans boy with mommy AND daddy issues (the whole package!)

INFP

Born in spooky month, loves spooky month

OCD, ADHD, self-diagnosed Autism

Biochemistry nerd. I didn't mean to be one but there was just something very intruiging about toxicology. Blame Lavendertowne.

Massive multi-shipper (also i like crackships, A LOT)

Coffee, vimto and soda addict (blame cockitchy ouma)

Fav. fictional chr. of all time: ✨Manfred von Karma✨(PW:AA)

Drew and Milly kinnie (TMF)

I am Drew irl, all I say about him is canon, I even run the rp blog, don't question me

✨✨✨LEADER OF THE ANTI-DARK REUNION✨✨✨

Menace to society, according to all of my irl friends, and just people who know me (just ask my freakblr mutuals, they'll tell you).

Minor, obv.

Never truly grew out of my Gacha phase

Other Blogs

Tags

Artfol: sobeksewerrat (not super active there lol)

Wattpad: ElvinaHS

AO3: sobeksewerrat

pronouns

Have a great day/ night!!

Your favourite god,

Sober Skewart 🐊🍻

[smallcrystals]

what are your favourite character/story tropes?

oh god, here we go

classic friends to lovers bc there is SO MUCH you can do with that, especially if you know your characters really well

enemies (to friends) to lovers when done right. i've read a few fair share of stuff where imo the relationship between the characters don't leave much room for any type of love to grow or that what they argue over doesn't seem to fit their character properly. but when it's done right, oh my GOD it's so GRRRR /pos

lovers to exes to best friends is also a favourite of mine which i don't think ppl tend to delve into that much. it's probably because people like writing ships they actually ship. while that is true for me, i also like writing relationships that don't work out. maybe i'm mean idk lmao (BUT THEYRE BFFS IN THE END COME ON)

friendship group of misfits, i love me a good group of friends that are just weird. in case you haven’t noticed, they're weird. they're weirdos. they don’t “fit in” and they don’t want to fit in. have you ever seen them without— (/c)

corrupted hero, especially if the villains are queer <3 i love a backwards arc and seeing a character completely lose their sense of morality. i don't like seeing it irl of course but when you can see a character change so horribly (probably bc their "good" life fucks them up so badly they are really left with no good choice) it's sometimes satisfying

mentor & mentee, i've always wanted a grown up to look up to and i have a couple(?) in my life right now that i appreciate a lot. but i love this trope when they both learn something from each other, mainly bc of their possible age/generational difference

morally grey characters, they're just so interesting??? seeing how their past and their environment impacts them as a person and what exactly led to the manner in which they make a certain decision is sometimes so heartbreaking and realistic, you know?

mutual pining/seemingly unrequited love, my friend jinx reminded me of this i can't believe i forgot, i will lay down my life for this, i will go down with this trope ITS SO GOOD

(queer) coming of age/queer awakening, i'm such a sucker for these 😭 they're so nice to read !!!! those moments of euphoria when the character is able to do what they've always wanted for themselves – can u tell i'm an empath lmao

(proper) miscommunication, because it's rarely ever done properly where the issue is an actual issue but no one is in the wrong/multiple ppl are in the wrong. all i can rlly say is write teens like teens. and i don't mean "write them like kids" or "write them like adults" i mean write them as if they are growing people, people who don't fully understand their emotions yet but know that not every situation has one person to blame. but that's a rant for another day lmao

popular kid x bookworm/(popular) nerd, everyone must know how insane i am for this one, it's so trashy yet 1) i've experienced it myself irl and 2) if done right without all the toxicity it can be a really cute read!! if people actually develop the characters properly and make them unique then maybe people would actually like it more idk (looking at you wattpad grrr)

royalty, specifically royals of colour. enough western white royals please. show me a kingdom with issues the place the kingdom inspired by has, show me culture and artistry. show me any religions and everything involved, the nuances and the exceptions, show me all of that

extroverted & introverted, with it's twists ! give me the twists and the complex characters !!!

introverted & introverted, because THEYRE SO CUTE PLEASE :((

cold exterior warm interior father, this is literally blaze sentry. LITERALLY my oc for flash's dad. he's a ceo and an architect who's been through a lot in the past but your opinion of him rlly changes when you see him interacting with his family, he's warm and loving and refers to his younger ones as "baby" :(

magical high school, because i'm me <333 this is such a guilty pleasure because i love learning about the world and the magic system. but i also wanna see more from it (mainly teens acting/being treated like teens but again i digress)

fixing relationships between siblings, this is probably bc of my relationship w my own brother but seeing issues between siblings (typically those of colour too) is nice to see finally. to have it developed and talked out and improved

so those are the ones i can think of at the moment!! there are so many i'm so sorry lol

honorary mentions!!!!

childhood friends to lovers, it's not smth i will write often but reading it? GIMME IT NOW. it's so warm and cute and just seeing them grow up :((( im AAAAAA

this might be an asian thing, but if the little age gap between the main character and their friend/partner (like a few months) and the older one likes taking care of the younger one, i love that <3 AND I ALSO LOVE IT when the younger one finally is like let me take care of you now >:(

crime aus, links in w corrupted hero ish, but you know, be gay do crimes !!! these idiots are always so smart and skilled and i always read this knowing i wouldn't be able to do half the shit they do

entire family is good looking, absolute classic, but make them all poc next time :)

futuristic/android aus, this is more of a recent enjoyment but there's so much you could do here !!! whether it be angst, friendship, romantic feelings, idk it's so cool!!!

[andy-deer]

Redemption in characters like Belos and shadoweaver is suicide most of the time. I like to think redemption irl happens a lot more, people has bigger growth potential and learning mechanisms than characters.

But lets be honest people are stupid af, more often than not they think redemption must be an equal recieved dmg, and they fail to aknowledge what an "inprove" is or how to be "at peace" at all.

I dont blame them, is not easy

Aknowledging the extent of the dmg is hard enough, with profesionals, training and a perfect comunication there aare still biases of interpretation

More often than not we will hurt people not noticing the dmg at all, firends, family. Blinded by your own way of thinking or by the objective fo the time being.

Im getting philosophical, King Andrias self exiled working the land as a self imposed punishment, and thats an acceptable redemption(?)

I think once dmg is done, its done. there is no going back and you can change and all you want, but its to late. And its interesting the kind of characters that go redeem with OTHER characters and then meet the abused in a now reformed state, but didnt give closure to the previous abused ones.

Like shadoweaver going allie and Catra meeting her

Oh the feelings the drama

Sorry for the long ask

Definitely a punch in the gut, to meet someone who neglected you or abused you, you know that scene of the Good place where Eleanor finds about her mom changing to live a better, honest life with a new family? " If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means she was always capable of change. But I just wasn't worth changing for." It's definitely an interesting dramatic and sad scene to have in your story.

And yes, the problem with today is that we look at redemption like that, equal punishment, when it's not, i don't want people who hurt me to go through pain I want them to recover. As much as I hate that person, because it means no other person has to go through what i did, that's redemption, actual change in future actions, the regret is not enough. (But we've been doing this since always and that idea is too knotted into our society, just look at prisons)

Also personally, I think redemption irl is not common, and less in people that are you know too far gone in their own self righteous way of living. It might be pessimistic but I don't think most want, or can afford to get help from a professional in today's political climate. My dad, my mom and me we should all get therapy but we can only afford mine. Which sucks because my father really REALLY needs it, and it doesn't help that he's overworked and does not want to be therapized because God knows why. I've known friend's parents who are addicts and misstreated everyone around them and refuse to change or even take two minutes for self reflection, who will cover their ears when their children points out their mistakes because they see every conversation as a fight instead of a possible introspective experience. (Which reminds me a TikTok of a psychologist talking about how speaking with a narcissist will make you feel crazy because the tactics they use is to specifically win the conversation and have more resources for later damage)

My point is I have that perspective of people not being able to change for the better because I think it's quite exclusive to being lucky and privileged. Too many personal experiences against it. (Not saying people can't change, just saying it's difficult and most adults don't, heck most adults don't even know what's going on with them because we're taught the emotional intelligence of a brick.)

[elektroyu]

I'm not sure if I should post this on my art blog, but since it's impacting my art too I figure why not. I'll be very honest here and it's not something beautiful, so if you don't like to read about such things rn please go somewhere else and find something that suits your needs better. :) To keep you from accidentally continue reading have this picture of pretty dew-topped grasses in the morning that I took a couple years ago:

I love grass, it's so elegant and just <3

So the thing is. The absence of a close friend for me is... crippling. I'm feeling so fucking lonely that it's really not fun anymore. Not being able to share art things (in the broadest sense) or even dog training (agility in particular) with someone close is just about killing me emotionally. I'm a typical textbook introvert who doesn't need tons and tons of friends and I have a hard time committing to people in the first place, but the only people who I can talk about these things is my family, meaning my dad and my sister(s), but that's not really sharing anything. They let me talk and even give opinions or try to help if I'm struggling, but they're not involved in these things themselves. My coworkers like to see my art and are impressed with it, they will share pet stories on a superficial level, but their interest doesn't even remotely reach where mine does. I love my family and coworkers and I honestly appreciate what they DO give me, but it's just not the same as a proper same-interest friendship. Especially a close one. I had one for many, many years (and others before that), it was a truly special connection that's probably just a once-in-a-lifetime occurence. Very gradually it fell apart over time and I trusted a little bit too much that it would last forever. I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong there, mind you, nor am I blaming anyone for addressing their own needs first and foremost, as that's simply the right thing to do. It was more along the lines of people change and sometimes their needs and expectations change too. That's perfectly normal and that wasn't the first time I've experienced this. But like I said, I didn't see the possibility of this particular friendship ever ending. To me, this thing was eternal, and in a way it still is, even though there's no possibility it could ever come back now. It did end. And that devastated me more than I can express. It ripped my entire heart out and left me bleeding. I still can't quite deal with it even after 5-6 years, although it's gotten slightly better in the last few years. This particular experience changed me in a not at all good way. It made me even more of a hermit. I'm even more afraid to reach out and commit to other people, even though I'm sometimes nearly losing my mind from being lonely. I'm constantly doubting myself to not be enough, to not care enough, to not be good enough to even deserve the friendship of another human being. I'm always, always afraid to disappoint again. I'm seriously, honestly doubting if I even should have a friend, if I'm even able to give them something back. Maybe I'm way too selfish to have a friend. Maybe I don't even really want a friend, even though I obviously do.

Almost worse for me is that the topic of 'friendship' developed into a giant trigger for me. I'm feeling perfectly fine one moment until by chance I stumble upon someone fleetingly mention some human connection on their blog or in some ffxiv tutorial or something and I instantly feel just hollow and unwanted. Instantly feel the absence of someone who can live in that giant void in my heart. It hurts so much. Usually I'm good in my everyday life, but this little thing is becoming more and more of a problem for me, and it doesn't exactly help art things either, as it warps and/ or hinders my ability to think about things properly. My therapist said I should just keep trying to find irl friends, which I'm kinda doing and kinda not doing. That bit of advice was kind of not very helpful, I feel ^^; even though I admire and respect my therapist a lot (not getting sessions anymore, though, I went there for social anxiety and got a LOT out of it, but with friends there's always at least 2 parties involved, right, not just one).

I'm a firm believer that friendships happen and develop on their own, even if there's hardships along the way. I have no interest to beg anyone to be my friend just because I want one. I'm convinced in time I'll meet someone who's feeling as drawn to me as I am to them again and something grows naturally. Or maybe I'm just greedy and it won't happen again, then that's that and I'll have to settle for looser connections. Maybe in the next life. Until I know which one it is I'm going to fight on by myself (life is too precious to waste, after all, if I'm damned to do life alone then I'll rather do it alone than waste all those opportunities to do and experience all this amazing stuff that's going on), love my pets and be loved by them (are humans even able to love so unconditionally?) and talk to you lovely guys on the internet. And believe me, you mean a lot to me and I'm beyond thrilled about every single one who talks to me ;) <3 you know who you are.

So there it is, the thing that plagues me (art me/ dog training me/ personal me) and has no easy fix. I'm putting it out there into the internets, which maybe will be one step towards me learning to deal with it, or heal from it, or live with it at least. It would be nice to process it to a degree that I can either use it for something productive or so that it at least doesn't hinder me anymore. There's no question there's going to be a major scar from it and I don't mind that, but it would be nice if it was only a scar and not such an easily opened wound that hurts like hell and still feels fresh after such a long time.

[lookbluesoup]

I’ve seen a lot of talk about anti anti culture lately and an emphasis on canceling people who write stories where bad things happen (i.e., rape, molestation, abuse). I’m really interested in facilitating a positive, open space here on my blog. So sharing my personal opinion about this at all is something I thought about for a while, and my hope is that it offers a helpful perspective as well as solidarity to people who use fiction the same way as me.

It’s not directed at anyone in particular or any event in particular. The tl;dr version is – people should always have a choice, they should be allowed to read or choose not to read, they should be allowed to write and share or choose not to write or share. Taking that choice away from people ultimately hurts survivors by making topics taboo and forcing everyone to fit a specific moral narrative for their pain or experiences to be valid.

Trigger Warnings: Rape, abuse, cancel culture, child molestation, depression, suicide, dogmatic religion, homophobia

1. These things DO happen in real life, and yes, they are harmful, and yes, reading about them can be triggering. Fully, completely acknowledge all of these things and have experienced my share of it firsthand.

2. People should be allowed to know before they get invested in a story whether triggers might be present so that they can choose to avoid it if they want to. It is their choice, and responsibility to decide not to read something that is appropriately tagged. (And please, please tag appropriately!)

3. Being interested in reading about dark subjects does not make a person evil. Somewhere between 31-57 percent of women admit to having rape fantasies. (x) That does not mean women want to be raped in real life. It does not mean that half the population of women are perverted degenerates. Reading fiction, like indulging in our fantasies, is a safe place to explore and enjoy sensations, dramas, and experiences we still don’t want in real life.

In less touchy examples - I love reading about gladiator arena battles! I love playing apocalyptic games where monsters jump out of the dark and scare the shit out of me! I do not want gladiator rings or to live in an apocalypse in real life! That doesn’t mean my interest in these stories or games condones them in real life. It doesn’t mean I think it was right that Rome irl forced slaves to fight to the death for entertainment.

4. I grew up in an environment without grey areas. The dogmatic Bible-beating hatemongering kind. Someone was good and did everything right according to my beliefs and worldview, or someone was bad and a direct threat to me. If I did something wrong, I had to punish myself physically and emotionally to make up for not being perfect. I was taught to despise myself. My parents believed there was only one correct way to view any situation - their way. I was petrified of punishment and learned that it wasn’t even worth trying to do better or accommodate someone else’s experiences because I would never measure up and would be condemned for doing something that wasn’t perfect. That is immensely, cripplingly harmful to an individual and to society. Cancel culture does the same thing. It excommunicates people who aren’t pure and allows others to get by with abuse because they are ‘teaching’ or an ‘authority on morality’ – and guess what? Nobody is pure. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and we are all learning. None of us have moral authority.

We cannot build a healthy, inclusive society if we are unsafe. We cannot be safe if we are not allowed to first admit that we ALL make mistakes and have prejudices that we can improve on. So we need to be kind and nonjudgmental whenever we have the chance to be. And we have to accept and respect that what’s fun or helpful or healing for us might be the opposite for someone else, or vice versa. Which is okay if we are respectful of each other’s boundaries and don’t try to force a way of being onto someone else without their consent.

5. With regard to writing, this means that people need to be allowed to explore difficult, even painful topics if they wish to. Even for fun. Even if someone else might not want or need to explore those same topics. That doesn’t make either person inherently evil or wrong. It just means we all have different needs and wants and diversity is normal. 

As a serious example, as someone who was molested by a teenage neighbor as a child, I can guarantee you that the fact these topics were considered so disgusting and taboo by society made it very difficult for me to cope. It was not my fault, and I’ve healed from it, but when it happened I didn’t even understand what was going on, and the guilt and self-blame that followed me for years afterward were almost crippling. So yes – what happened to me in real life was wrong, inexcusable behavior. But censorship did not protect me. First it made me ignorant and vulnerable to manipulation, and then it made me feel dirty, disgusting, and isolated. 

What I needed was a safe avenue to talk about it and the thoughts and sensations it stirred up, in order to heal. I needed to know it was okay to have automatic thoughts – they were a result of fear and trauma or even just being human, not a moral failing on my part. I needed to actually talk about and explore what I had felt openly, and how that related to the rest of my life, before I could move past it and have a healthy view of intimate acts that weren’t soaked in guilt and self-loathing.

I read a book after that happened, set in ancient Rome, where pederasty took place. And the victim was allowed to admit that he’d enjoyed some of what had happened to him while enslaved, and was then assured that even though he didn’t hate everything that he experienced, it didn’t make him to blame, nor his abuser right, and those thoughts/feelings did not define him or his morality. That has been immensely healing to me – but this ‘grey’ exploration of a topic is not compatible with mainstream cancel culture.

Or alternatively, I watched the series 13 Reasons Why. I hated it. It felt like nothing but shock value entertainment and not a respectful management of topics like suicide that were very, VERY real to me. Except for someone else I knew who had also struggled with suicidal thoughts and impulses, 13 Reasons Why was immensely validating. They were glad that a series showed such graphic representation of these events in a way that couldn’t be ignored or brushed over. What had been hurtful to me, was empowering to them.

I believe it is not mine, or anyone else’s place, to decide that a piece of media should be across the board banned because of what it might do. Because while some of us share traumas, we still each have different experiences, needs, and healing processes.

Such strict censorship allows for only victims who meet a certain “standard” to receive care and healing. The rest are left to suffer or are even punished further.

All of us have gone through life with vastly different levels of privilege, opportunity, expectations, etc, which leads to vastly different interpretations of the world, none of which are 100% correct or true.

6. Cancel culture hurts LGBTQ+ rights. I’m neither straight or cis, and I might never have learned that if I hadn’t been able to build friendships outside of my social circle who allowed me to integrate and ask questions without being obligated to agree with them. Where I grew up, there was immense prejudice against gay people. My cousin was disowned and disinherited for coming out. I was sheltered from anyone who might argue for gay rights, and discouraged from looking at or being curious of the deep south’s version of ‘problematic.’ That’s what I was taught – to be uncomfortable toward, judgmental, and condemning. If I had been on tumblr during those years and gotten ‘cancelled’ I would have been even more suspicious and condemning of Others, and even more determined that my way was the only right one. I specifically avoided tumblr social circles because I ‘knew’ they hated ‘people like me.’ It’s not exclusive. This trend where people become even more convinced to pick an opposing side because the Other person is being hateful is one of the first things they teach you in social psychology. 

The kind of intolerance that goes with mobbing people for saying anything they consider problematic at all is the same cruelty that makes me unable to tell my parents I identify as agender or pan. It’s what gets women stoned to death and gays beheaded. It’s not moral. 

What changed my point of view was friendships. One of my friends came out as gay and my world turned upside down because here was someone that didn’t match any of the stereotypes I’d been taught to fear. He wasn’t hateful or condemning of me, he was one of the most thoughtful and peaceful people I knew. That is what started to change things for me, and made it safe for me to explore other ways of thinking and interpretations of scripture. Because I cared about him more than I needed to be right.

7. Nobody is obligated to interact with someone who is being violent or hateful to them. You’re not even obligated to interact with someone you disagree with, if the topic is too painful or you simply don’t want to talk about it. Keep yourselves safe. But within the world of writing, live and let live. If someone posts a story you don’t like, and they’ve tagged it appropriately, please, please consider that your experience is not universal. You have the choice not to read that story. Someone else might need to read it. Let them, and don’t shame them for it. 

[fatbottombucky]

Are We Friends? *Markiplier x Reader*

Requested Summary: howdy! can you do a markiplier x male reader who was friends with ethan and he met mark through ethan while helping with like an unus annus video or something like that?? sorry if its not specific enough 💖

Slight Changes and fic notes: None of the Unus Annus vidoes are up when you’re filming, because I know a few was filmed in advance. Reader is a Youtuber, but more on a Julien Solomita vibe. 

Fandom: Youtube

Pairing: Mark Fischbach x Male Reader

Warnings: None. Mostly implied malexmale romance. A non hate Amy fic (she is mentioned, but she’s “Markiplier’s friend” lol)

Notes: Obviously, Mark isn’t gay... this is PURELY entertainment purposes. Fanfiction isn’t to be taken seriously, please do not be offended. Mark is a real person with thoughts and feelings, and my fanfictions on/about him aren’t to be taken seriously. Also Mark is in a relationship with Amy, whom I love and respect, so in future do not request stuff that implies Amy is mean or nasty (not that anyone has, but I tend to see fics where the irl girlfriend is a bitch in fics and that’s not Peebles). 

“You’ve literally saved my damn life,” Ethan exclaimed over the phone, always dramatic. 

You almost rolled your eyes, but remained focused on the road ahead of you. If you had a dollar for everytime you saved your best friends ass you’d be a millionaire. Ethan is the most forgetful person you know, the amount of times you’ve reminded him of something is super high. 

“Mark said I really needed goggles but-” 

“You couldn’t be bothered?” You finished for him and his stupid giggle rang through the speakers of your car, letting you know you were right. 

You couldn’t help but chuckle along with him, “Wanna hang out whilst we shoot? Can probably grab some foods afterwards if you want?” 

“Yeah, that sounds chill.” You can hear people talking in the background, “I’m like five minutes from Marks, I hope anyway, so I’ll see you in a minute.”

After hanging up you continue driving to Marks’. You had never met Ethan’s other friends, mostly due to time restrictions on your life- you had different schedules and that made it difficult to see Ethan, let alone meet his friends. 

You have, however, heard a lot about Mark. Ethan was a fan who got lucky to be noticed, due to that little ‘stunt’ it got you to meet Ethan at convention. You have played games online together on his channel, he’s shown up in vlogs on your channel. In fact, a lot of people love your friendship with Ethan. 

Driving round the corner you see Ethan standing on the sidewalk, he gives an energetic wave to your car. You park in front of him and get out, throwing the goggles at his head but he quickly catches them with a grin. 

“Why do you need goggles?” You asked and then frown at his attire, “why are you dressed like a gay lumberjack?” He laughs loudly at your question and puts the goggles on. 

“We’re making Chica a doggo house,” he informs you like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, you just nod and chuckle following him towards a back gate. 

Ethan pushes the gate open and instantly you’re met with Spencer, his dog. He bounds up to Ethan, a fluffy toy in his mouth and tilts his head at you- you’ve met Spencer before, he was a little timid of you and still is apparently. 

You watch as Ethan struggles to strap his tool belt around his waist, giggling when you laugh at struggle. He pulls on some gloves and pops the safety goggles on his head, gives you a thumbs up and starts to pet Spencer. It’s five minutes of aimless chatter when Mark finally appears. 

A part of you was worried about meeting Mark, a big YouTuber and also one of Ethan’s closest friends. It’s always very daunting meeting new people, but when they’re close to your friend it’s more difficult. You tried to play it off you were chill, hands in jean pockets and making goofy faces at Spencer. 

“Oh,” Ethan grabbed your attention, “Mark that’s Y/N, he’s a friend of mine that grabbed our goggles.” 

You gave an awkward wave as Mark waved and made steps towards you, extending a hand to shake that you quickly pulled yours out to accept. 

“Great to meet you.” Mark smiles and you nod awkwardly, “Ethan talks about you sometimes.” 

“Only sometimes?” Mark laughs and shrugs, “I don’t pay attention to him either, he’s such a rambler.” 

Ethan tuts loudly and shakes his head, “No becoming besties.” He shakes a finger at you both, obviously joking but you roll your eyes at him. 

You stand behind Amy as she films, trying not to laugh loudly when Ethan fucks up- which is a lot. Not that you can blame him, you’ve never done any labour work, not to Mark’s extent either. Woodshop was a struggle in school, you just did not enjoy yourself. 

Once filming had finished you stuck around till Ethan was ready to get food. 

“Mark, did you wanna tag along?” 

Mark shakes his head, “Nah, you and your friend can hang out. I’ll make a start on editing another video,” Ethan nods, but doesn’t seem convinced. 

“I don’t mind if you wanna tag along?” You shrug and smile. 

Mark huffs dramatically, “Fine. You twisted my arm,” Ethan rolls his eyes and already walks outside as Mark goes to grab a jacket, so you follow Ethan. 

“I’m glad he’s coming along, I really wanted you guys to hang out,” You frown slightly and look at Ethan, “you two will get along great, trust me. I just knew if me and Mika tried to set you both up you’d be totally against it.” 

You wanted to laugh. Mark? Be interested in anything BUT friendship with you? Ethan could sense your amusement. You shake your head, huffing a small laugh at your friend. 

“I appreciate that, but I don’t think I’m his type,” before Ethan can respond Mark locks his front door. 

The three of you begin down the street towards the closest restaurant. The walk is filled with chatter, mostly you asking about the Unus Annus videos, the schedule and planning they’ve made. 

“Any ideas for us?” Mark asked genuinely, you raised an eyebrow, “you’re like a daily vlogger. Right? So you’ve constantly got to be entertaining to an extent.” 

You had a thought as Ethan opened the door to a Wendy’s, the intention of grabbing food and going back to Mark’s to eat it and chill. 

“I guess, just do stuff that entertains you,” You shrug and follow slowly behind Ethan with Mark, “don’t force yourself to do stuff because it shows. I always try to find activities that I know I’ll enjoy or have a laugh watching back, like Ethan teaching me gymnastics- I was terrible, but it was so stupidly funny.” 

Mark laughs and nods, “Yeah, I saw that video,” it’s an offhand comment. 

But that comment has you stumbling, you just nod and look up capturing Ethan’s prideful smirk. You give a glare back, looking back at Mark who is still talking to you and smiling in your direction… perhaps there is merit to Ethan’s words after all. 

(If asked nicely... I’ll do a part2)

[jackasuke]

some thoughts/reflection in the new year:

i think that, outside of trauma/abuse, what’s been most detrimental to me as a person is existing almost entirely online. thats not to say i regret time spent on this blog or blame other ppl for what ive become, but over the years ive ended up in toxic communities and picked up on harmful habits/behaviors that were actively encouraged & fed into by those around me. the effect of this is detrimental and has only gotten worse with time

although i’ve made wonderful friends & have had some of the happiest times of my life on/through this account, i cant say it’s been an ultimately good or healthy experience for me--arguably, im worse for it. 

the direction im headed right now isnt where i want to go. the person i am rn isnt who i want to be. im taking steps to grow/improve, and part of that is leaving this account and the spaces i used to throw myself into behind.

i dont think i could ever/want to leave the internet entirely or anything like that (despite everything im still a loser LMAO), but i def want to change the way i exist on it cause the last thing i want to do is reach a point where its too late to change. id also like to have more shit going on irl to keep me from sinking too deep again. im no longer a kid being abused, so i dont rlly have an excuse and, ultimately, being an asshole just isnt a hill im willing to die on + not something im proud of

internet culture is v v v fun and a HUGE interest of mine (autistic as that sounds) but ive taken it to an unhealthy degree where i didnt/dont have anything going on outside of it and its fucked with my head a lil 

i want to be a good person. i want to fill the world with nice things and treat ppl with kindness. i want my dad to look at me and think “despite everything, i raised a good kid”. id like to surround myself with ppl i love, ppl that dont want to hurt me and dont encourage me to hurt myself/others. one day, id like to wake up feeling happy and still feel that way when i go to bed. i cant accomplish any of this atm.

im very mentally ill, but id like to think im not beyond repair; id like to think the bad ppl in my life havent ruined me forever. id like to overcome all this shit and do more good than bad. basically, i wanna finally grow up and leave the past behind me. id like to live a long & happy life, grow old, have a positive impact on those around me, and make art im proud of. i dont want to hurt people and i dont want to kill myself, so im doing everything in my power not to.

[simtrospective]

SCRAPPED STORY CHALLENGE by @bugsims

01. Post a few screenshots from a scrapped scene / edit / story! 02. Share why you scrapped this specific thing. 03. Tag five friends, and watch the fun play out!

Thank you to @gilded-ghosts for the tag.

Because I wrote so much that you might prefer to skip, let me do 03. outside the cut. I tag...

@ladykendalsims - @jet-plane-sims - @boogey-studios - @pinkmonsimblr - @dynastiasimss

The above pictures (plus the related tray files) are all I have left of an idea that was half-formed to begin with and which never got off the ground at all.

01.

Depending on if you’re a follower of mine + how long you’ve been following me, you may have seen a few of these shots before but I’ll explain them anyway:

Set 1: The characters Charlie, Hick, and Craig, in their original states on the left and their enhanced, final states on the right;

Set 2: A few WIP pictures of the performance space/club/thing I built;

Set 3: A bunch of test shots I took to see how the characters looked interacting, what they did naturally, and how they looked when I ~directed them. I used these pics to try and find my editing style for the story. I didn’t find the style I wanted. Clearly.

02.

I scrapped this idea because it never came together; I didn’t connect with the characters; I didn’t care about the storyline; I’m not done with my new save so I couldn’t ~comfortably start telling this story when the rest of the world was/is disordered; and on and on. The point is, I wasn’t feeling any of this. Oh! And I hate the whole vibe and time period and aesthetic irl; what on earth was I thinking writing about it?!

So. What was this going to be?

[[Under the cut because this is... so, so long. So long.]]

Charlie, Hick, and Craig were

going

to live in Del Sol Valley in my new save, in the Pinnacles neighborhood, which I was

going

to turn into a Laurel Canyon-style neighborhood. An entire community of would-be songwriters/musicians were

going

to live in the two smaller lots and commune with one another and be the New Guard colliding with the Old Guard; the huge mansion lot was

going

to house an aging former film-current soap actor confronting his mortality and also hating the living shit out of these hippies whose existence he took as a personal affront--I digress. Back to the “story.”

Charlie, Hick, and Craig met after each arrived in DSV separately and they vibed and they moved in together, all in a matter of, like, a week’s time. Charlie and Hick vibed especially. So much in common! Such poor little rich [kids]! Both came from pampered environments in which their family money and respective fathers’ connections allowed them to skate through life and to play at being musicians because--despite crying oppression at the hands of upper class WASP-dom--they'll always have safety nets to ensure they’ll always be okay. Charlotte Grant graduated from her all-girls prep school and put on a floppy hat and became Charlie Grant; Richard Hickey (lololol) ripped up his acceptance letter to Britechester and grew his hair out and hitchhiked and told people to call him “Hick.” They’ve lived parallel lives and “recognize” one another as soon as they meet. They have an electric connection, but neither will verbalize that. Above all, they... really want to sleep together.

Craig grew up working class and has no safety net; he just wants a little adventure before he gets a real job/grows up/gets married (his gf back home is off to college; they’re long-distance; it’s... not going to work). He’s a good guitar player and he’s a good songwriter and that’s it but maybe it’ll be more? What do they say about the lottery? Can’t win if you don’t play? Charlie and Hick want to be famous ~rule the world. Hick plays guitar well and tries to write songs but they’re shitty. Charlie is passively learning the keyboard and writes songs that are not... bad...? Some are... good?

Charlie and Hick--can you tell they eclipse Craig, yet?--have weird sexual chemistry and tension: they tease, they flirt, they taunt, they enjoy one another’s attention but they never so much as hug. They both have cruel streaks as only disconnected, spoiled, emotionally stunted bluebloods can: the torture of their relationship/non-relationship gets them off more than anything else could and that thrill drives much of their behaviors: bringing wanton strangers home for one night stands, each hoping the other is watching/overhearing, fighting about little things, acting like inappropriately close siblings, acting like strangers. Craig suffers their whims; Charlie and Hick aren’t just united in their toxicity and their dreams of fame, but in how they make Craig into a third wheel or a--well, punching bag is too strong a term. Charlie and Hick think they’re teasing their bff but you know how it is to be teased allllll the tiiiiiiime and how it can make your head spin when people who can’t get along with one another join forces--without even having to discuss it--to turn on you. Their relationship gets patched up, you’re hurting, they insist it’s not a big deal and even that you even liked it. We’re all friends. We’re all best friends omg.

But sometimes they have fun together. They have a lot of fun together. Sometimes it all is everything each dreamed it would be. DSV is a wonderland and their careers are happening and life is happening and they’re best friends. They’re soulmates for life.

The three work on music, perform at clubs. Craig is starting to come into his own as a man. I hate the term coming-of-age but in the background of the Charlie & Hick Show, Craig is maturing. He has to, because C&H are fuck-ups. They jeopardize scheduled performances. They don’t know how to talk to club owners. They’re not interested in paying their dues. They are unable (or unwilling) to promote themselves without being obnoxious attention whores. They don’t practice or help write songs. They don’t take care of the house. Hick is late with his rent. Charlie thinks she can flirt her way out of everything. Craig is also the only one of them who works; he has a day job at a print shop, gives guitar lessons on the side, and makes sure the three get gigs and don’t get evicted. The only thing C&H put consistent effort toward is making the social scene or finding a party or scoring drugs or getting laid. As the group’s local star(s) rise, their fates start to change course which increases the interpersonal tension. Hick’s fun-loving nature is starting to turn into a legit substance abuse problem and he’s picking fights with the wrong people and socially devolving, his arrogance and issues and general laziness rendering him unable to relate to others; Charlie is getting a lot of attention from older men In the Business, who have the money and connections to make her a solo star, which she is shrewdly considering; and Craig’s resentment toward his “friends” and disillusionment with the superficiality of DSV is making him rethink his motivation for coming west in the first place.

Oh, and Charlie and Hick--again, as their paths change and as their weird tension remains unresolved--continue to take their bullshit out on Craig and now it’s not funny anymore, it’s not cute, it’s not exciting, and neither is it when Hick ruins a show by being too stoned to perform and neither is it when Charlie brings unsavory characters home who trash the three’s equipment and neither is it when C&H steal Craig’s songs and perform without him at a gig they didn’t tell him about.

What I intended was that the story would at first seem to be The Charlie and Hick Show, all about them, as if we’re supposed to root for them, but ideally, through my ~deft hand 🙄 the reader 🙄🙄 was supposed to be like, Um... hold on-- until it eventually was quite obvious that these two--though human; though in situations we could understand and empathize with--were captured at a point in their lives when they were Super Toxic Assholes, and what you were watching all along was Craig as Hero.

So I had ideas, but I didn’t know how to fit them together and I didn’t want a really long story and I couldn’t--I just couldn’t figure it out. I do know that the end was going to be Craig screwing them like they’d been screwing him, a final middle finger with consequences. I know that he and Hick were going to have words and Hick was going to try and fight him (such a loser) and Charlie was going to throw a Hail Mary of like... trying to seduce (lol) Craig into staying omg I always had a thing for you/we’d be such a great team/I always thought we could ~be something ~together uwu bullshit like that. Was this true? Was this true in her own mind? I think I was going to set the story up so that if you reread, yeah, it could be true, but she’s so flirty and manipulative and socially savvy and used to getting what she wants that who knows what her real feelings ever are? Ultimately that would’ve been irrelevant bc Craig never looked at her that way and hates her and Hick now; good going guys. It’s worth noting, I guess, that when I put the group on a test lot, Charlie was super into Craig immediately, went right to him, stood close to him, was eager to make romantic overtures; she went 0 to 60 in an instant and as so far as is possible in this game they had chemistry, but Craig was not feeling the romance. And no one was feeling Hick.

Anyway, Craig was going to move on with his life and Charlie and Hick were going to learn nothing and blame him, ~the end.

And then, as I continued to play my save and maybe tell more stories, there would be Easter eggs, references to Charlie, Hick, and Craig older/in the future and where they went in life in the background of other, unrelated stories: Hick’s substance abuse problems and rehab stints and going by Richard again and his eventual moderate fame and eventual sobriety and attempted comeback and his bad relationships with his exes and children; Charlie’s legit fame + marriage to a producer + eventual fade away + moderate comeback + solid second or third marriage and bff relationship with her children 🙄🙄🙄 and her palatial house on the coast and now she exclusively wears white and ivory and pampers her dogs and eats raw (but drinks wine) because it “cured” her undiagnosed, unnamed “autoimmune disorder,” which she wrote a book about resulting in a semi-comeback but as a Famous Person and not a musician. Craig going to college and becoming a high school English teacher who plays in a local band on the weekends and who has a good marriage (not to the long distance gf) and nice kids, one of whom would eventually have her own story where she pursued musicianship with her dad, which got him back into his first passion but it was a qt father-daughter project and not An Attempt to Be Famous.

So. Idk. That’s what this all would’ve been. But it wasn’t, and it won’t be!

[cosplayinamerica]

Cinder Fall from RWBY : trickssi / photo : yenra

When I started cosplaying for fun in 2008, I didn’t plan on being harassed off the internet in 2010. When I was raped in 2014, I didn’t plan on coming back to cosplay as a way to reclaim my body and spirit. Both of those things happened, and I’ve been cosplaying more seriously for about 6 years now.

As a result of my experiences with harassment and sexual assault, I was sensitive to the gaps in the convention and cosplay community; namely, that “Cosplay is not Consent” does NOT work toward actively preventing harassment from happening, nor does it provide resources to help anyone who’s experienced it. Victim blaming often starts with physical appearance, and since cosplay has a lot to do with that, we get a lot of, “why were you wearing THAT?” from the general public. Why do we wear it? These are our favorite characters, our nostalgic series, our creative costuming outlets. Why should we expect to be harassed? We shouldn’t.

I founded the Cosplayer Survivor Support Network (CSSN) in 2016. At first, it was a place for survivors like me to find solace in our numbers, but we quickly realized we needed to do more than console—we needed to educate. It grew into our reaching out to conventions to tell them that “cosplay is not consent” is NOT enough, and in 2017 we began constructing a “harassment policy report card” that’s still growing to this day.

The report card encourages conventions to be held accountable for providing an easy, fast, ideally anonymous way to report harassment at the hands of other attendees, staff, guests, security, or even con chairs, among other qualifiers. I also wanted fellow survivors to know they’re not alone and they didn’t deserve to be treated that way—cosplayer or not, and accounting for the additional challenges experienced by plus-size, black (other POC as well, but let’s be real, this is America), LGBTQIA+, and disabled cosplayers and individuals.

Cosplay is supposed to be fun, but when these issues still exist in our community, some of us aren’t able to “just have fun.” Unless or until we can acknowledge that the culture needs to change and start doing something about it, I’m gonna be the one with the un-fun job of reminding everyone that these issues exist. I encourage you to ask your friends if they’ve ever experienced harassment or worse in a convention space (IRL or online); and then ask the ones who haven’t if they’re worried about it happening to them, and then ask yourself why that might be.

My cosplay is often from niche series and I portray a lot of busty femme fatale types. Not only is it a comfortable archetype for me, but I find the unshakeable confidence of the characters leaves me feeling overall less vulnerable, and even a little powerful. At the end of the day, to me, cosplay is about the people who cosplay, not just the characters or craftsmanship.

Those people are worth protecting and I’m one of them. I can’t erase what happened to me, nor can I eradicate harassment and assault altogether. But I will throw stones to send ripples through our community that the culture needs to change, and I’ll do it while wearing costumes of characters who would do the same.

@fractali.cosplay & @trickssi // photo : @yenra

I was a theatre kid who got into Halloween, so costuming was already an interest of mine. When I found out that people could and did wear costumes to anime conventions, it was a natural progression. After my first convention, when I realized that there were gatherings for cosplayers to take photos together, I aimed to make costumes so that I could meet fellow fans of various series. And that’s really all it took for me to get hooked!

I like pretending to be someone else for a little while. I like borrowing characters’ strengths. I like choosing the roles that I play rather than leaving the choice to a director. I genuinely enjoy parts of the crafting process, especially wig styling and makeup. Showing love for a character/series is also important for me, and I find that shared interests among other cosplayers have led to lasting friendships. And I truly believe that without cosplay, I would never have discovered my passion for advocacy.

[arcticdementor]

So, on our weekly anime night, we’ve been watching Gatchaman Crowds, and have but one episode (of the first season) left. Some thoughts:

Ninomiya Rui is totally the poster boy for the “internet rationalist” set. A young tech genius, (presumably) wealthy, introverted. Idealistic, almost painfully so (Umeda may be an extremist jerk, but, as a father of a preschooler with bills to pay, he has a point about Rui’s comparative lack of “skin in the game”) who is optimistic about “humanity,” but bad at dealing with actual, flawed humans, and who is trying to use tech and social media to create an anarcho-communist utopia where everyone is assigned their optimal tasks by the benevolent AI overlord and motivated by internet gold stars. And that’s all before the gender identity issues.

We have two other characters who also embody different anarchist tendencies. There’s the sort of “spiritual” mode, found in most religious traditions, of empathy and personal connection, and lack of concern for worldly power and hierarchy, which our protagonist Hajime embodies. She knows the mayor and the fire chief… and its NBD, because they’re just two guys in the same scrapbooking/collage group. When everyone else on the team is reverent of the cryptic big boss J.J., she just walks right up onto his platform and chats. She makes a point about not putting one’s trust in any single person or system, and cares for people, not ranks or titles. (Note, whenever anyone refers to her as “rookie,” she reminds them “I’m Hajime” — names, not titles.) Actively empathizing — as we see early on, she takes deliberate efforts to think the best of people, including active mental steps against the Fundamental Attribution Error. Hajime always seeks friendly and open communication — even with incomprehensibly-alien people-absorbing cube-blobs, or the gleeful destroyer of worlds.

And speaking of that last, we’ve also got that other infamous strain of anarchism, going back to the Illegalists and the “bomb-throwing” anarchists of the late nineteenth century: the person who just likes to watch the world burn, in the form of our villain, interstellar troll Berg Katze. A dancing, laughing embodiment of shadenfreude, a shapeshifter who gives all new meaning to “identity theft,” a figure who strikes from anonymity invisibility, whose endless shit-stirring is aimed to empower people’s worst tendencies and pit them against one another for the lulz, Crowds’s antagonist is a distilled internet troll translated to the real world, with superpowers. And props to the talented Miyano Mamoru for providing so much of the androgynous alien’s mad energy.

On some other characters, Paiman is an interesting mix of shell-shocked veteran, and slightly-out-of-his-depth middle manager who uses the chain of command as a crutch for indecisiveness. The character design for O.D. — his build, his facial features — are just slightly, subtly different from the others in a way that fits his being an alien-human hybrid (as one friend put it, that time when O.D. gets an angry facial expression, “he looked like the freakin’ Grinch.”)

I also find it interesting what the show did with the Prime Minister. When introduced, he seems like the usual useless do-nothing politician one sees in shows where it’s always down to our Plucky Superhero Team to save the day… but it doesn’t stop there. We see instead a former idealist who wanted to change things for the better… but has been ground down by the realities of politics, of how little power even the guy at the top has against bureaucratic and systemic inertia, how often leadership involves taking the blame for things out of one’s control, and then shows how, despite all that, he still has a part to play. 

Crowds is a “superhero show” about not putting one’s trust in heroes, or government, or the internet, or anything else that becomes an excuse for learned helplessness. (I’m reminded of Mawaru Penguindrum, another series that juxtoposed acts of personal compassion and outreach versus sytemic revolution as paths to improving the world and coming down firmly on the side of the former.) And, while it might not be “cyberpunk” as usually defined, few other works dealing with technology and the internet have really been as deeply, thematically punk as this show.

I’ve also got to give credit to the ever-versatile composer Iwasaki Taku for the soundtrack. (His Bond-esque music for the Read Or Die OVA was the first anime soundtrack I ever bought on CD, and the Gurren Lagann soundtrack is a frequent listen of mine.) He managed, somehow, to get me to like something that’s dubstep. (What should you call Ziel der Hydra’s mix of opera and dubstep, “dropera”?)

And, lately, I’ve been actually been taking Hajime’s advice… if the online nastiness starts getting to you, you can always just turn it off. (It’s leakage into IRL spaces, OTOH…)

[yunhowhoitiss]

about me tag

tagged by @oh-my-vocal-unit thank you lizzie, i love about me tags hihi :))

1. It’s your birthday! What did you ask for and did you receive it?

i ask for nothing but love, support, and unlimited cuddles!! irl i do appreciate thoughtful gifts though, like an album i’ve wanted for a while or an item they think i’d be interested in. i don’t typically ask for anything though, there’s not much on my list of wants.

2. What was the last song or album you listened to?

west coast love by emotional oranges (it’s a super chill and summery song, 10/10 recommend!)

3. What is your go to snack when you’re hungry or bored?

fruit! i always have a nice supply of peaches and nectarines. i used to eat cheez-its a lot, but i’ve become allergic to those recently :(

4. What is your morning routine?

depending on the time of the year it changes, but right now it is: wake up, check my notifs for a while, brush my teeth, eat something small, work out/go to practice, shower, eat a proper meal, then move on with the rest of my day!

5. What mythical/cryptid creature would you be?

i’d like to think that i would be a faerie or a phoenix!!

6. How do you interact with someone that you don’t like?

i have a hard time not being nice lol so i’d probably still be kind enough that they wouldn’t really know i don’t like them, but my kindness wouldn’t go further than being polite, really.

7. How do you define a toxic person?

someone who expects more from you than they give you, and blames you for things they did wrong or you had no control over. giving little to no support/care to the friend but still expecting said friend to give them the world.

8. Have you ever been to a concert or fanmeet type of event? If not, would you want to?

i’ve never been to a concert, kpop or non-kpop. i haven’t ever been to a fanmeet or meet-and-greet either. i really really want to go to a concert sometime soon! but not many artists, ESPECIALLY kpop artists come to my state, and i cant afford to pay for a concert, let alone a flight to go see it. as for fanmeets, i don’t think i’d be able to do that because the idea of being face to face with a person i idolize just stresses me the fuck out.

9. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

mmm i don’t know- i’m pretty 50/50 on that. the idea of celestial bodies having an influence on the natural world let alone my personality and relationships isn’t very realistic to me. however, my chart is pretty accurate on the most part so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

10. If you had only one sense (hearing, touch, sight, etc.), which would you want?

touch. my emotions rely heavily on touch and physical connection. i feel most at home when in a hug; if i could not feel someone’s hand holding mine, the feeling of my softest plushies, or the feeling of the ground under my feet, i would be lost honestly.

11. Who is your favorite celebrity or idol?

j e o n g y u n h o

12. If you could talk to your favorite celebrity(s) for a limited time, what would you tell them?

i would tell ateez that they are doing an amazing job and are on the right track even if they make mistakes, and that i hope they are as happy doing what they are doing as i am happy watching them do it. “you nice, keep going.”

13. I’m taking you out on a date and it’s your choice. Where are we going and what are we going to do?

a day at the beach! we could have a picnic there too, or after getting washed up go out for food and drinks somewhere lively and have d e e p conversations. i would also love a day at the amusement park and going home so tired we have a nap together and then eat dinner watching a movie :))

14. Do you like sweet or savory foods?

i love both, but i’d pick savory over sweet if i had to.

15. Do you have any band merchandise or merchandise from any of your favorite artists? If so, what?

i have ateez’s EP.3 album in the illusion version! and lil bts pop figures hihi

i’m tagging @seongghwaa @toffeemingi @lilyunhowrites and anyone else who wants to do it! (no pressure girlies, don’t do it if you’re not feelin it :) )

[punkscowardschampions]

Jude & Jac

Jude: [sends her the snaps as if she hasn't seen that the fuckboy posted them like obvs she has seen them if you have gal but okay] Jude: ?! Jac: yeah Jac: bit rude he didn't tag us, I guess Jude: he never tags anyone Jude: idk if he knows how Jac: I'm sure I'll still get the ❤s Jude: & the dms Jac: alls well that ends well then Jude: at least your night didn't end in 🚔👮🚨 Jac: the joys of being of age Jac: what party got shutdown then Jude: Amelia's Jude: 🏡👀👵 Jac: No shit Jac: it's like throwing a party in a nursing home Jude: 🤣 it was decent before then though Jude: I'd give it an 8 Jac: @ her Jac: you know how to do them Jude: she ain't gonna take it on board when she's losing points for not enough straight boys Jude: just take it as a 🥇🏆 Jac: what do you expect Jude: 0 expectations Jac: yeah, that's something to shout about Jude: like you've got a leg to stand on there but alright Jac: ?! Jude: you were always going on at me about my rep before & you're not even bothered about yours now Jac: how do you know I'm not bothered Jude: ⬆ Jac: I'm not bothered about talking to you about Amelia's party Jac: that has no interest for me Jude: I only mentioned my 🏃 & my rating Jac: why? Jac: I didn't ask Jude: obvs you're 🤐 Jude: why would I wait for you to ask Jac: heaven forbid we aren't subjected to a never-ending stream of consciousness Jude: my bad for checking in, like Jude: 🙄 Jac: where, where'd you do that Jude: ⬆ Jac: you mean when you talk about yourself again, yeah, cool Jac: where would I be without that kind of care Jude: oh come on Jude: you don't have to @ me if there's owt you wanna say Jac: and clearly there isn't Jac: so don't bother rolling your eyes, you came into my inbox Jac: so you say what you want to say then piss off Jude: what are you so fuming for? Jac: Jesus, you're self-absorbed Jac: why the fuck do you think Jude: I 🤔💭 you know what he's like Jac: blame me then, that's a hot take Jude: nah, you don't do anything without your own 🥇💡 for every way it can play out Jac: and what possible reason would I have for doing this Jude: idk Jac: sherlock you ain't Jude: never said I was Jude: you're the 🧠 Jac: then you're chatting shit Jude: I can be the 🥊 if you want & you are bothered by the shit everyone's gonna chat Jac: I can handle it Jude: alright Jac: people are just jealous Jac: he's the hottest boy still at our school Jude: yeah, that's undeniable Jac: they judge but they all would if they could Jude: no shit Jude: how he gets away with being too thick to @ Jac: not as if I was there to do homework Jude: he has people he 💰 is what I heard Jude: for the homework bit Jac: yeah he's loaded Jac: might go out with him for the presents Jude: like I said 🥇💡 Jac: obviously Jude: I got asked out last night an' all but it was a no Jac: there were some straight boys that weren't our brother then Jac: interesting Jude: mates of mine Jude: or so I 🤔💭 Jac: that's all boys want Jude: it's whatever, I can handle it Jac: sure Jude: ? or ! Jac: . Jac: ... if you really wanna get a sense of my disbelief Jude: 👌 Jac: Cool, you can tell Jesse he's a traitor too Jude: he's not here Jude: hang on 📢🗨 Jude: probs helping her ���🧽🧹🗑 before her mum & dad get back Jac: Tragic Jude: bit weird that they're best mates now Jude: she 👻 us for ages after you fell out Jac: it's not weird, just sad, as aforementioned Jude: she loves his new 🎵 that'll do him Jude: 💃 to whatever the 💊 she was on though Jac: if you have to buy your fans with 🧼🧽🧹🗑 you can't be any good Jude: 🤣 Jac: 🙄 Jude: maybe he just can't get his head through her door Jac: yes, playing a party for free is really impressive Jac: especially when the host has no friends Jude: 💔 you're not 📢🗨 to him Jude: be a decent ego check, that Jac: I have no desire to talk to him either Jude: I know Jude: called him a traitor & then dragged him Jac: I'm glad that's clear Jude: 💎 Jac: then I won't have to hit him again Jude: & none of us will have to put up with him 😭 Jude: tah for that Jac: hardly my fault he's a pussy Jude: not getting the 🎻 out Jac: makes a change Jude: he had a go at me for being there Jude: such a dickhead Jac: wants his new best friend to himself Jac: has no one told him she's actually gay Jude: he'd have to be thicker than your new bf not to work it out Jac: probably thinks everyone puts it on like he does Jude: she's never got with a lad has she? Jac: I don't know Jude: it's what everyone says but loads of what they 🗨 is bollocks Jac: makes no odds to the fact everyone will be saying that he clearly fancies her Jude: yeah Jude: do you reckon he does? Jac: why else would he do that for her Jude: she's got no mates, might just reckon she needs one Jac: sure Jude: like when you took Savannah in Jac: not really Jac: she had friends Jude: not proper ones Jac: still, she weren't begging for friends Jac: or approaching the kind of pathetic Amelia is these days Jude: I guess Jac: there's no question Jude: she did seem really 💔😭🎻 Jude: I'd be well chuffed if mum & dad pissed off for the weekend Jac: you know they're weirdly close Jude: I bet her mum has shut down loads of parties she's 👀👂 in everyone's business Jude: bit of karma there or whatever Jac: surprising they've gone away Jac: she's clearly miserable with her life Jude: her house is wild Jude: I'd never been before Jac: if wild meant insanely boring, yeah, sure Jude: nursing home is right Jude: that's what I meant Jac: I know Jude: my mates who don't have 🐶🐱 live in 🏠 that look like they belong on the telly Jude: not that Jac: like I said, her mum has no life Jac: when she's not got her nose in everyone's business, she's making ugly shit for their house Jude: making it? Jude: 🥉 Jac: pinterest Jac: hope Jesse knows the future he's signing up for Jude: not 🤘🎸😎🏆 Jac: 🔪👀 🤯🔫 more like Jude: *🤪👵 Jac: if you think her mum is miserable, imagine how her dad feels Jac: is my point Jude: god yeah Jude: 💀 Jac: no wonder she's dating girls Jude: I wonder if she is going out with anyone Jac: why would you care Jude: if Jess does Jude: he's a dickhead but I don't want him to be 💔 Jac: 🙄 Jude: is dad down there with you? Jac: no clue Jude: is his 🚪🔐? Jac: they never forget now they're obsessed with trying to imprison me Jude: ugh Jac: still, I'm going out Jude: let me out with you, I g2g & mum's being aggro about it Jac: why would I Jude: why not? Jac: because I have no reason to help you Jude: 🤔💭 of a reason then Jude: I'll do it if you help me Jac: there's nothing you could offer me, thanks Jude: come on Jac: why do you think they're any more likely to let me out Jude: cos they do Jude: you're officially off the rails Jac: no, the difference is, I don't care if they say I can or not Jac: that's your problem that you do Jude: I still have things I care about that they can take off me Jac: sucks to be you then Jude: cheers Jude: top quality sisterly advice Jac: I don't care about you Jude: I got that cos you keep saying it over & over Jac: Why are you still here Jude: what else am I gonna do? homework? Jude: not allowed to go nowhere Jac: might be an idea Jude: 💩💡 Jac: you'll live Jude: 🤏 Jac: you're all so pathetic Jude: it's you acting so hard done by Jac: yeah Jac: how'd you work that one out, genius Jude: the whinging happening Jude: just mute me like you have irl Jac: I'm not the one begging to go out Jac: but sure Jude: I asked, once, but alright Jac: and now you're moaning about having to do homework, which you won't do anyway Jac: and this whole time have been talking about things I don't care about ad nausea Jac: but you're SO right Jude: nah, I answered that I'd rather stay here 🗨 than do it since you asked Jac: you're boring, Jude Jude: you can't be bothered to chuck out a decent insult, nowt to do with me Jac: it's just the truth Jac: you wish there was anything more colourful to call you Jac: you just are Jude: you wish I was 💔😭 like Jess when you start on him Jac: if you get it, like you say, then you'd realise I literally don't think about you at all Jude: I get that you want me to piss off rn, it ain't happening Jac: I want you to piss off, that's about your lot Jac: so have at it Jude: yeah yeah Jude: just said that myself Jac: then do it Jude: what you gonna do 🥊 me? Jac: don't start or you'll find out Jude: you start everything Jac: so? Jude: so 🥊 me Jude: idc about that Jude: I'll smack you back Jac: then I'll fucking kill you Jac: leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you, I don't want to hear anything from you Jac: it's as simple as that Jude: but why? Jude: you've never said Jac: I don't like you Jude: it's more than that Jac: What could be more than that Jude: you didn't like me before, we still 🗨 Jac: and what was the point Jude: you're my sister Jac: and Jude: and you used to be bothered about it Jac: not now Jude: what happened? Jac: I got bored of you Jude: alright Jac: great Jude: [no reply I can really give so I'll just leave that there lol]

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 28

Chapter Summary -  Tom speaks with Danielle on the phone, awkwardly, before arranging to meet her.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog  @jessibelle-nerdy-mum@nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

“Danielle.” Tom’s voice shook on the phone.

“I…Hi.”

“You never said you and Paul broke up.” Benedict stared at him in disbelief that of all the things he could say to Danielle at that time; that was what came to mind, to mention her ex. “I mean, I just saw him there, you never said…I thought that you…”

“I don’t loathe you.” She blurted out.

“What?”

“Luke, he said you thought I hated you after that night, I don’t,” she explained.

“Luke?”

“Yes, your publicist.”

“How…”

“He’s on set here, with Emma Watson, he came over to me and we got talking about you.”

Tom’s face erupted into a smile, mentally thanking Luke, who he had been convinced was against his feelings for her. “Elle, I…When are you home?”

She hesitated in responding. “I’m not sure.”

“Where are you filming?”

“Shepperton Studios.”

“Wait, in London?”

“Yes.”

“What time are you finished?” He demanded. Benedict made hand gestures to tell him to calm down. “Sorry, I just, I need to speak to you face to face, I didn’t know you were so close, please, can I come by later, and we can talk?” He stated more calmly; Benedict nodded approvingly.

“I…I’m not sure Tom.” Tom’s heart sank. “I think we have two more scenes to do, but it’s delayed until one of the actors comes back to set, he had some sort of photoshoot to do earlier and still hasn’t returned.”

Tom took a breath to compose himself, she was not saying no to meeting up, simply not able to give him a time. “It’s about a half-hour from my house to the studios, how about you text when you are nearly finished, and I can come get to you?”

“That’s not necessary Tom, I can get a taxi into the city and then get the Tube.” Benedict shook his head violently, indicating to his watch.

“No, it’ll be late by then; no way should you be going on the Tube alone at that hour.” Benedict nodded in agreement.

“What, scared I would run into one of those creepy clowns?”

“No, I am trying to save the clown, I have a feeling you’d probably kick him in the crotch.”

“I probably would.” She giggled back. “Okay, fine, I will text you with about an hour or so left; so if it suits, you can come, happy?”

“Tremendously so.” Tom beamed.

“I guess I’ll see you later then, bye Tom.”

“Bye Elle.” He waited to hear the sound of her hanging up before he took the phone from his ear. “Well…”

“You look terrified.” Ben scoffed.

“What am I going to do?”

“You are going to leave this bathroom, you are going to go home, get some rest, shower and wait for the woman you are nigh on stalking to ring or text you, then you are going to go and, I would wager, make an absolute tit of yourself in front of her.” Tom glared at him. “Well, you asked. What are you going to do with regards food; I mean, it’s three now.” He checked his watch. “And she won’t be done until at least six or seven, catering probably finishes at four, and you need to sleep.”

“I keep telling her about that Indian you suggested, we could get something from there,” Tom suggested.

“Right, and what are you going to do then, go back to yours? Do you even know where she is staying?”

“Shit.” Tom became frustrated again. “Why is this so hard? Was it always this hard?”

“Courting women? Not that I recall, I mean, as you know, I was with Olivia for so long, before that were the usual brief youth romances, but with Sophie, everything seemed so…much more difficult, I mean, I felt pressure to get it right.”

“Were you attracted to her beforehand?”

“No, I just decided to ask her out for no reason, of course…” Benedict snarked. “Look, do not push her too fast, your home could suggest that you are interested in one thing in particular, and it is not a deep meaningful conversation, you need to make sure not to give off too much of that air.”

“But we always spend time together at my mother’s.”

“In the living room with your mother present or close by, that’s a tad different to your home; the personification of a bachelor pad, just you and her, no mother.” Tom’s facial expression changed slightly, “And no, I am not going to be there. That is just weird, besides, you two need to figure out whatever this thing between you is by yourselves, no one holding your hands for you.”

Tom nodded, taking out his phone. “I need to talk to Luke.”

“Why?”

“Because he can tell me what they were talking about, so then I know where I stand with her.”

“We are never leaving this fucking toilet.” Benedict cursed as he waited for Tom to call his publicist.

*

“Well, if it isn’t the famous Tom Hiddleston.” Luke Evans joked as Tom sat in his car close to the gates of the set. “What brings you around these parts?” he leant down to look at Tom in the car.

“I am waiting on a friend of mine, she’s working on the movie with you.”

“It’s not Watson is it, I mean, we all know you are going for the mid-twenties girls these days.” Tom winced slightly at Evans’ joke. “Sorry man, no malice meant.”

“I only have myself to blame.” Tom shrugged. “No, her name is Danielle, she’s the....”

“Ah, Danni, yeah, she’s just sorting out one or two things inside.” Luke smiled. “Wait, are you and her a thing now?”

“No, she is just a good friend.”

“‘Good Friend’ huh?” Luke did not seem the least bit convinced. “Well, your ‘good friend’ is getting a lot of interest from a few people, so I would think about sorting changing the -ood to -irl very quickly if I were you.”

“I don’t under…oh right, thanks for the warning.” Tom decided to not say any more on the subject, a pang of jealousy flowing through him for a moment. “How is it going here?”

“Ah, well it’s grand, not groundbreaking, I mean, it has been done before, but still, Disney pays well enough.” The other man smiled. “What are your plans for the next few months?”

“Nothing much, a few things here and there, mostly to do with Kong and Thor, the usual.”

“Nice piece in Interview by the way.” Luke winked. “I dare say your little legion on girlies adored that.”

“Well, after everything in the summer…”

“Speaking of which, is there a reason why Miller can’t get through to you, she has the same number I have, but her call wouldn’t go through?”

“Yeah, I had a bug in my system, it’s rectified now, though.”

Evan’s looked at him curiously. “A bug you say? Does this bug have a name?”

“Yes, it does, and no, I am not repeating it.”

“You don’t need to man, I am reading very well between the lines here.” Luke scoffed before looking up. “I best be heading away for myself, I have my own plans for the evening.” He slapped the top of the car and walked off.

Tom did not get to say for him to enjoy himself before he realised the reason the actor had scarpered. He smiled anxiously at Danielle, who waved nervously as she approached the car. As though he had been electrocuted, he opened the car door and jumped out, or would have had he not been still tied in by his seatbelt before untying it and running to the passenger side door. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Danielle smiled back nervously. “That’s not necessary.”

“No, I don’t mind.” He smiled, opening the door to let her in.

“Whoever was in here last is a far taller person than me, I feel like I am in the boot.”

Tom laughed. “Yeah, well, you know, anyone seems tall next to you.”

“Ass.” She stuck her tongue out at him.

Happy that everything seemed so normal between them, Tom rushed back to his side of the car and jumped back in. “So, have you eaten?”

“Yeah, well at three, so, I guess that’s really a no.” she corrected, checking her watch.

“That’s a no,” Tom confirmed.

“What about you? You look jetlagged.”

“Are you trying to tell me I look old?”

“Old, how did you get that from jetlagged?” she looked at him oddly. “No, you look like you do every time I collected you from the airport, out on your feet, as though you want to sleep for a week.”

“Yeah, that sounds accurate enough for my current state.” Tom conceded. “But I did get a few hours sleep this afternoon.”

“Afternoon? You only got back today?” Tom nodded. “You should have said something. If you are too tired, we could meet another day.”

“No. No, I need to see you today, to talk to you today.” He explained.

“Sounds serious.” Danielle looked at her hands.

“Well, not serious as in a bad way, but we do need to talk. I have a great idea of where we can eat.”

“It’s not public is it?” she asked fearfully.

“No, it’s a takeaway near my house, it’s the one I was telling you about.”

“That sounds good, it better be as good as you say it is.”

“It is, I promise.” The smile on her face was encouraging as far as Tom was concerned, he could only wait and see how the evening went.

[pyrochoreia]

A couple of days ago I had a friend talk to me like she was my wife.

I just had a friend talk to me as if she were my wife. I’m very confused and angry by it but I respect her and our friendship too much to lash out. It really badly caught me off guard so I also did nothing to point out that I didn’t feel like she shouldn’t be speaking to me in such a manner, and catered to the whole thing like an idiot.

Precursor: I had been offering this and another friend to come stay with me for years. We’d been making hypothetical eventuals for if I were to buy another house (goal: 2025) and rent to them. She took an opportunity and moved up here in August 1st to sublet a room, but she's been staying in my room with me so she has somewhere to sleep until she’s got a job and can afford a bed. Since I work nights we’ve been hanging out quite a bit and when she got a job (training started September 9th, I believe) in September we sat down and made plans together to do things on the weekends and whichever odd day they’d give her off during the week, in part because she’s not allowed to have her phone at work and she told me she’d leave it in the car. Which, in retrospect, probably shouldn’t have made those plans as now I’m worried she’s built up a dependency on me and my stupid ass agreed to “fix” all the things I’ve supposedly been doing wrong. Soft reminder that I work nights. I also need to point out she’s on hormone treatment which made me really cautious of what I say to her when she does finally get upset.

A couple weeks after her training and she’s on a solid, predictable schedule I start trying to go to bed closer to a reasonable hour, 3pm - 4pm usually, instead of staying up and getting anywhere from half an hour to twoish hours of sleep. Again, I work nights. This means on usual days that we run into one another in the mornings before she goes to work or at night before I go to work if she’s not already asleep.

We’re doing as we planned; hanging on weekends and the day she has off. We’re going out more than we stay in. October 17th we even do a zoo trip but that changed on the 19th because I had a (1, singular) call with my girlfriend. I suppose this woke my friend up but she didn’t say anything to me even though I paused the call to regard her, so I watched quietly while she collected her headphones and went back to bed. She would almost always have her headphones with her to sleep and remind me of the fact so I wasn’t sure if I had been too loud or if she was just having trouble and resumed my call more quietly. The longest we ever do it is two hours.

We made plans for me to cook us a fancy lunch that day and she said she’d text me when she was on her way home. I spent hours prepping and cooking, and more hours waiting for the text only for her to post on FB that she’s eating at Ariake Grille & Sushi with the friend she keeps complaining to me that is completely obsessed with her because she’s her only friend, that she kept saying she was very uncomfortable of and never wanted to meet. When she finally got home she lies, saying she “just drove in a random direction” and later, at another time, tells me that she decided I would FORGET. “I also didn’t think you’d remember you were going to cook - and I wouldn’t have been able to eat it anyways so why waste it?” She stood me up and blamed me for it. I cook for us all the time! We bought special stuff for this dinner that I had to throw away! Turns out she was mad at me for talking to my girlfriend and that I need to refer to her work schedule to plan my calls - she doesn’t care if I do it when she’s not working. I was out in the living room, if I had been being too loud she could have just asked me to be more quiet going forward rather than try and say I couldn’t do it no more without confirmation.

October 22nd and I try to empathise with her because I guessed she missed her family and friends since she was posting about being lonely all the time and wanting to go home on public Twitter which resulted in her messaging me and telling me that was my fault! She doesn’t miss the people back home she’s just miserable here because she’s by herself “except the rare occasion she can drag me out” and that’s not rare; we hung out every weekend and whenever she was off! She said that ever since she started working our contact has been less and I agree - we slowed down using FB messenger and Discord when she moved up here, using it for very particular things, because we had access to one another. Most of our online conversations would end with us finishing the discussion irl but she used this, saying that our conversations always trail off. That she only gets to see me briefly and then “nothing until the weekend” (reminder: we made this plan deliberately because she’s day shift and I’m night shift) and says she didn’t want to tell me she was upset because she thought I would kick her out for being “emotional” and that all her life her family ignored her and now I was doing it. I get blamed for her being sick now too; she says that’s the reason she’s been sick because she’s upset and stressed by it. In this same conversation I’m told that she’s upset that I don’t text her while she’s at work even though she told me she wouldn’t be bringing her phone in with her and that I don’t text her while she’s asleep, which is something I never did before regardless unless it was a thing here or there about rp. I always tried not to because she’d make a point how angry she was whenever someone texted her and woke her up, but I’m now aware of when she goes to sleep and was trying to be respectful of that.

She lets me know that she is only telling me about any of this because another friend of mine told her to and I guess that’s why that friend now talks to me funny or only in Tarot..?

October 24th she decides that she’s the reason my runes said weird things and apologises for making me feel betrayed even after I clarify that I think it’s about work (girl stealing from the hotel etc and I was the one who trained her, and ultimately got her fired). The whole rune thing is really weird; I don’t actually believe in this shit but my bookshelf fell on my back after I set them up there. I have the runes for an rp because having physical things helps me understand them better, same way writing on paper helps me remember rp stuff easier, and I was using them to build a similar system for the rp. I didn’t feel betrayed by her at all but she didn’t want to hear it and demands that I tell her if I want her to stop “bothering me” and whether I was bored of her or didn’t want to talk anymore. I have to reiterate why our contact lessened, including her working now and that I just wanted to be able to get more sleep. She demands “but also if you just don’t want to, then don’t. Forcing it out of pity is the worst, and I’d rather you just be honest and say you’re not interested.” After I ask her, because I was getting frustrated, why she thinks like this I’m told, again, that “everyone she has ever loved or been terribly close to has pulled away exactly like this before they end up leaving me. I don’t know how to interpret this behaviour. They get bored of me, stop communication on all channels, and after I try they leave.”

She assures me she’s not asking for constant attention or for me to cut my time with my girlfriend “which I have a lot of”, because I offered to talk to her instead of my girlfriend during her lunch break since she was so bothered by this.

She blamed a different friend of mine for causing this!!! Says that I started pulling away when I tagged the old rp group on FB! We had ONE CONVERSATION.

[agentzakura]

LoveFanFest 2019

Ok, so a lot of people asked me what happened at #LFF2019 since I was clearly upset last week. Things have settled down a bit so I figured I’d spend time today making my thread. 

TLDR; ClexaCon is a dream compared to LoveFanFest. LFF needs better communication and customer service. Lack of transparency and asking for money left and right… The queer fandom deserves better than that. Listen to Laura Hollis.

https://lovehollistein.tumblr.com/post/151126971734/you-deserve-better

So first of all, the good stuff. I did like my trip to Barcelona. I got to see a really beautiful city and hang out with friends I’d never met IRL or haven’t seen in a long time. It was a wonderful experience from that aspect. When I first joined the fandom I asked Gabi what the best part of cons was and her answer was meeting other fans. She was absolutely right. While I’m grateful I get to geek out on my faves and have my briefest moments with them, I loved talking to other people in line and getting to know them in person after interacting with them online. 

The actual con was frustrating and disappointing. Before anyone tries to invalidate my experience, please keep it to yourself or DM me. There are far too many people jumping to defend LFF without any context. Things like, “It’s hard to make a con"… "Cons aren’t free”…”It’s just European culture.” Or even “It wasn’t that bad.” Comments like that don’t help at all. I’ve been to big cons before and I’ve volunteered at them. If I had the time, I would start my own convention and almost did. Believe me. I don’t take writing things like this lightly. Also, the heat wave didn’t help anything but to blame behavior on that alone is nonsensical. 

LoveFanFest as a whole was just not organized very well. We received the schedule a few days prior. It was filled with mistakes. They sold a lot of the extras at a discount months earlier and if I had known that things would have conflicted I wouldn’t have bought the things I did. Especially since their attitude is sorry no refunds or exchanges no matter what. 

Day 0 

Registration was a mess and the lines made no sense. 1 line to get your main badge, 1 line for Earpers, 1 line for Creampuffs, the last line for other guests. I immediately regretted the handful of Earper extras I bought. I spent 2 hours in line longer than my other friends because of it. 

The ticketing didn’t make sense. It was confusing figuring out which one was Sat/Sun. They looked nice printed but got collected and thrown away. They’re easily lost and it was a pain to try to get them all with the multiple lines. Why can’t you use Eventbrite digital tickets as they were intended? I heard after the fact that tickets weren’t even checked properly. One person couldn’t switch their ticket, but went up on the other day anyway and they didn’t pay attention to the day on it. Some people were able to 

I also missed the beach clean up my friend organized, so that day was so disappointing. 

Day 1 

Breakfast with the guests was one of the few highlights. I like how it was split into smaller groups. 3 guests max with 10 attendees I think. At ClexaCon is was really hard to hear whatever was saying because all the breakfasts/lunches were at the same time and I felt like I was shouting across the table. In fact, at ClexaCon Natasha had to walk up to people individually to talk to them because she couldn’t hear them. 

I bought more extras for Hollstein. I knew I had more autographs for the things I brought and got more photo ops and selfies. Early in the morning I brought it to the staff’s attention that the Hollstein panel and my Mel and Isabella photo ops overlapped. I’m a Creampuff more than anything, so that was a really big deal for me. I asked if I could swap the tickets instead for the Sunday. Sunday their photo ops occurred when I had nothing else scheduled. In all fairness, the person at the extras register passing out the tickets was really nice. They were really patient with me and assured me everything was fine. I told them about what I wanted to do and they said they couldn’t change the tickets because they were “limited” and may be sold out for the next day. Another staff member assured me that there would be 15 min that doesn’t overlap with the Hollstein panel so I can take my pictures before it. I was just told to tell the volunteer at the ops that I needed to make a panel and skip to the front of the line. The original staff member told me to come back and talk to them if what I was told didn’t work out. I was grateful and hoped I didn’t have to come back… Of course, it wasn’t that simple. 

There was no volunteer at the front of the line. The volunteers I did find had no idea what was going on. The Hollstein panel was about to start so I had to run back upstairs and talk to them again. I was passed onto another staff member. She seemed to be one of the head people. She called over a Spanish speaking volunteer to escort me down and get me to the head of the line and I got them done. I still missed half of the first Hollstein panel because of it though. I ran in behind one of my friends in press who also had the same conflict. Of course, no recording is allowed so who knows when I’ll get to see that footage. 

I don’t understand why photo ops tickets are per person. Maybe I was spoiled at ClexaCon with 4 people max to a photo. I bought an Earper trio to do a BayHaught photo with a friend. This was my first con where I’d meet Mel. We found out that we had to pay for another ticket just for her to join in mine. Which is insane. It literally takes the same amount time to have one more person join. Trios are not cheap. Around €130 for one person for less than 5 seconds to pose?! My friend was nice enough to pay to be in the photo anyway.

  Autographs were ok up to a certain point. I stood in line for Natasha and Elise because I wanted to make sure I got to see them.  I wasn’t looking forward to getting the Earp autographs. Dom's line was crazy and went outside the door and I assume around the lobby. Plus, the trio photos hadn’t printed yet, so I was essentially waiting for that. The reason I bought Dom, Kat, and Mel’s autographs that day is because I had the photo ops. For some reasons, LFF only has one person in charge of the printing and it took forever to get them on the tables. The trio took the longest. When I was done with Natasha's and Elise’s line, I went to Mel’s and waited. Again, most of my friends are Creampuffs so it was basically just me in line waiting. I wanted to see if someone else could get the autograph for me, but that didn’t go well either. I got to the front of Mel’s line with nothing to sign. The trio photos weren’t out yet. I couldn’t swap my autographs for the next day. The one rule LFF was very adamant about regardless of your situation. The poor volunteer had to call one of the staff members over to see what could be done. It was the same woman from last time who had a volunteer take me to the photo ops. I think she said her name was Maria or Michelle or some name that started with an M. I told her the only thing I wanted to get signed was the trio photo and it wasn’t printed yet. She told me that LFF never guaranteed that the photos would be done by the end of the day. Essentially, she was telling me I was SOL. I asked if I could switch my autographs to the next day so I had my photo to be signed. She flat out told me no. That’s when I started to get upset and asked her what I needed to do then. LFF doesn’t give headshots for them to sign. You have to pay extra for those. She told me I needed to get something else signed. The fact that I didn’t have anything else didn’t matter. It was frustrating because at that point I really didn’t care and would be damned if I had to pay any more money because they were inflexible with their tickets. 

That’s when things got really bad. As I was trying to explain why I didn’t want to pay more money for a headshot I didn’t even want just to use these tickets, the staff member told me I needed to stop yelling and being rude or they wouldn’t help me.  There was no yelling. There was me trying to explain my frustration with what they were doing and asking them to come to some sort of compromise. I’ve worked in customer service. I’ve had people cuss me out or try to attack me. What I was doing was not threatening. I get it. You have policies. You can’t bend the rules for everyone. But what really got t o me was she then she proceeded to accuse me of not asking the right questions and projected the blame on me. I can still see her in my face, repeatedly saying, “Well, did you ask? Did you ask?” She didn’t believe me. It was frustrating. It’s not like I’m trying to score free things. I just wanted to get what I paid for.

My friends saved the day by finding the trio photo and M person let me go to the front of the line for all my trouble, but it wasn’t a redeeming experience. Instead of being happy to meet Mel for the first time, Kat, and Dom, I was on edge and could hardly speak. Most of the disagreement happened to the side of Mel’s auto table. Mel was so nice and hilarious. Kat was so nice and understood why I brought my daughter to the M&G at CCUK. Dom and her handlers were really sweet and made sure that people in line had water and a little something to eat. I can say I shared a bowl of chips with Dom now. 😄 But I felt like absolute garbage by the end of it. 

I had two more autographs with Mel for Sunday, but I honestly didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

Day 2

The second day was pretty low key until I thought I left the Mel autograph tickets at the Airbnb. I honestly had no interest to line up in the line that never ends for a second day so I was giving them away. I went to the Airbnb and had a mini breakdown because 1) I couldn’t find the tickets (I found them in my wallet a little later. 2) In trying to hurry, I also left my agenda at home and looked at the schedule. I saw that I had missed the single photo ops for Natasha and Elise. Time to panic again.

I had a Trio Carmilla photo op and a Hollstein duo photo op, so we thought that they would be ok with me doing my singles at the same time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t that easy… I took my trio photo and the staff and the handlers weren’t sure how to handle the situation. At first I was told that I would need to fall back in line and do it after the duo. I was completely fine with this because I had to get a prop I had left down the hall with my friends. Then I was told that I needed to do the solos right that second because the photographer was “on time” and didn’t feel like they wouldn’t have time to do the solos. Not even for the minute or so it would take me to get my prop and get back to them. I was calm about it as they talked amongst themselves, but honestly couldn’t believe that it was happening again. It took longer for them to argue about what to do than it probably would have taken me to get the prop.

I stood there just watching the interaction in disbelief when Natasha came over to me and asked what was going on and I lost it. Not like anger, but just crying out of frustration from the situation. Tears flowing freely as my emotions overwhelmed me.This was supposed to be my solo trip and fun half way across the world and I’m being told yet again, they might not honor the tickets I bought. Natasha assured me it would work out. We ended up doing the photo ops after the Hollstein duo… But two other fans had single photo ops they did after… So I did understand why they made a big fuss out of me doing it. I was done at the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t enjoy the last Hollstein panel and closing ceremony was hard to sit through. My only moments of reprieve happened when I found some Creampuffs and hung out in their hotel room for a bit before the closing.

Autographs after the second day were not too bad. I still gave away my autographs to EarpItForward. I had to buy a photo of Mel for them to get signed. I didn’t like my photo ops with Isabella, so I ended up buying her headshot too. I had picked one I saw originally that I really liked, but then I saw someone get another Isabella head shot, which was even better. I asked if I could switch it because I didn’t know that the other con photo was available. Thankfully I did get it, but not without an offhanded comment from M person about how I should have asked before then I would have known. Like why say things like that?

I’m just glad that Natasha and Elise were really sweet and took time with us. Elise is pretty masterful with the selfies. Natasha also made sure we were happy with it before we left too. I had a couple of friends say they were rushed during the last moments, but thankfully I was at least saved from that. I even forgot to do my selfie with Natasha and they let me go back up and take it.

My nightmare continues as I wait to see if I get the rest of the digital print downloads I purchased. There’s some obscure issue where if you don’t click some check box correctly you only download one picture and then you have to contact them to get the rest. I swear the pop up I had asked if it was ok to download multiples and I clicked accept... I still only got one photo. I’m incredibly frustrated because they tweeted that but didn’t include it in any emails with the photos. How is someone who doesn’t have Twitter suppose to know? They also posted all the M&G photos, but haven’t bothered to message me back. 

Honestly, I don’t get how #Clexacapocalypse became a thing. My experience with them far exceeded the miserable experience I had at LoveFanFest. I’d honestly go to Barcelona again to hangout with friends, but things seriously need to change before I even think about that convention again. I wish the people who also had an issue would speak up as well. Nothing will change if no one says anything. Just my 2 cents.