#Biracial trauma

[ecclecticmx]

Anti-blackness is a huge trigger for me and I am noticing myself get set-off when I see it more online. So I am returning to my old blog theme of posting what I like for me sans as much topical stuff.

Like... It is very traumatizing to grow up with such a feeling of perceived love as a child, and then as you become aware of the world around you, you begin to recognize the "conditions" of that love. That your family loves you the way they want to, not the way a child needs them to.

When you develop your place in the world as a mixed race kid there comes this like... Liminal thinking? Everywhere you go, so do the conditions of that supposed unconditional love. You're either a trophy or an embarrassment, and it's entirely up to you to regulate your internal perception of yourself. That you're neither of those things. You're human.

Non-black and black people alike treat you like you're supposed to "solve the racial divide." (an actual question my uncle asked me) and if you can't do that you're just an eye sore OR a token they pull out of their back pocket as some kind of "I'm not racist" gotcha.

And then, every time someone you trust microagresses you, gotta process all that shit all over again. I have methods of processing and coping. I'm just frustrated.

Naturally, I get way more grace and understanding from the Nigerians in my family, but there is still the colorism anxiety they have and it makes me extremely uncomfortable to be praised as "prettier" or the flip side, us kids being taught to ostracize the each other based off skin-tone or the stupid shit I had to navigate in public high-school after being pulled out of a fucking culty christian homeschooling situation.

Argh ok. Mental health vent over.

[malkaleh]

For @nocompromise-noregrets really (because I pictured this as Thranduil and book/ROP!Elrond having a conversation about Maedhros and Maglor - dialogue snippets

“They loved us more than anything - they cared for us, protected us and they destroyed our world. I remember my naneth hiding us, telling us she loved us, would always love us. Elros was holding a little wooden ship that Adar had made - one of their soldiers killed our nurse and Maglor had him punished. He told us our naneth thought we were dead or she never would have left.”

“Maglor and Maedhros let us hate them but…we loved them and yet how could we not wonder what would happen if we ever did not, after what we had seen. And it seemed Elros and I broke hearts and caused hurt whatever we did.”

[lesenbyan]

I was gonna see about writing that aphantasia post finally today

And then I had a racist (or ableist. Racist seems most in line) Uber driver

[grovekeepers]

robin <3 i'd love to hear about robins own, personal views on his sex and gender, please!

Thanks for the ask, Fray!! (answering it gives me something to do while i wait for the electricity to come back on!)

I'm putting this under a cut, because I've been typing for a while now and I feel like this'll be a long one. I will add that I'm briefly mentioning an eating disorder under the cut, in case you or anyone else wants to back out of reading that.

For the longest time Robin didn't really have any views on his sex or gender. He had a lot going on as a neurodivergent kid/teen due to poverty and, well, the repressed queerness; was just out there functioning/surviving somehow and was in general just pretty miserable all around, so any discomfort about his gender identity/expression was just part of a big heap of everyday sensory overload. There really wasn't time for him to focus on or take a closer look at himself much, and besides, he wouldn't have known the terms needed to put it into words.

He developed a bunch of unhealthy coping mechanisms about All Of That (drugs, sex, an eating disorder, ...) and really spiralled for a while until he met this man called Murdoc, who sort of became a mentor to him, and set him straight again.

And if Murdoc's one thing, it's perceptive.

So while Robin and him travelled together for a while, he provided him with the space he needed to just take a breather for once. Maybe express himself for once. And the option to talk about his feelings instead of having to bottle them up. And most importantly, since his wife Cynthia is a trans woman, he taught him the terms he needed to put all that dysphoria related turmoil he had going on into words.

So really, up until that point Robin hadn't thought about it much. Not thinking about it meant not having to deal with it, he was just hoping all those weird feelings, whatever they are, would go away one day. But of course they wouldn't have if he'd just continued to keep on going like that.

Now that he'd talked those feelings through with someone and then went on to change up his gender presentation, though, things got a hell of a lot easier. Murdoc used the right pronouns for him, called him by the name they'd chosen together (one of his favorite wildshapes to use to spy on people is an odd looking robin, and they both decided it's a nice fit), and after a while of that, Robin began to cook up medicine (cough, testosterone) that would change his body.

And all of a sudden he just felt GOOD about himself for once. His body wasn't just existing to carry him through the days anymore, instead he actively liked looking at it. His voice didn't hurt his ears anymore, it just sounded right. There was growth and hair in the right places and muscles where there used to be softness that he'd previously tried to get rid of by starving himself down to the bones.

See, and only then is when he started to really develop views on his gender and sex.

He is and always was, by all definitions of the word, a bisexual man, even when he was still blocking out the thought and just hoping for the dysphoria to go away on its own. Gender non-conforming (if he can wear them in a masculine way, he still wears many of his old clothes because he can't afford new ones for example, and he's insanely fond of jewelry, be that piercings, earrings, rings, bracelets, ankle bracelets, waist chains, etc) and somewhat gentler than other men he's gotten to know so far, sure, but really not all that different. Transitioning, to him, was like a lifeline he didn't know he needed extended to him, but now that he's gotten a hold of it, he wouldn't ever let it go.

Masculinity can be expressed in very many ways, and his way of expressing it is being forceful like rumbling thunder and strong like a centuries old oak that you can shelter underneath. He'll bear the brunt of the storm for you and keep you safe. And when it's over, and you open your eyes, rather than the lashing rain, you'll see the beauty of the sun's first rays shining through the greenest leaves you've ever seen, while their warmth caresses you.

(One thing I'll say (and it is really just more of a game-related issue) is that his in-game model looks pretty unchanged in terms of testosterone changes even after all the mods I installed to get him a little closer looking to himself. It does unfortunately have a lot of people jumping to the conclusion that he's some flavor of non-binary or futch/butch (and leaving comments that make ME dysphoric at the end of the day lmfao), when in reality, looking at him would not really differentiate him from a cis man and I'm simply limited by the game. There is no room to doubt his gender if going off "traditional" (binary) characteristics. He does bind his chest sometimes, and he usually wears his clothes in a way that covers/hides the shape of what's underneath. Funny enough, I am currently working on a painting of him and I'm kinda hyped about the absolute physical likeness I'm achieving with it, so I'm adding a little WIP!!)

[blackgumball]

please dont look at meeee

[the-desolated-quill]

This show is obsessed with killing black people. Absolutely obsessed. It’s almost comical.

The most evil cut in cinematic history…

[theglizzardwizard]

Nigga don't nobody (worth a cold fuck) want to see a white washed remake of Council Plates. I do not think any of the busted bitches that whine about me being mean could adequately write a council plates rip off without being cartoonishly racist with it.

[boricuacherry-blog]

If Adele has a kid with Rich Paul does she realize she would be having a black child. Like would she be ready for that? How do ppl feel about white women who get with black men. I feel like the kid ends up getting the short end of the stick with identity issues and lack of appropriate blk (female) role models in their lives. Especially if the dad leaves and it becomes a single mom situation. Ppl wanna act like color doesn't matter but it does when you're bringing children into the world.

[malkaleh]

I was thinking about something

A lot of the reason for the OT3 verse, as it is is that I wanted to write my own fantasy of a world in which, by our now we, the Jewish People have been back in our indigenous homeland in peace for over three hundred and I realised…I’ve lost the hope that we could ever not be hated. And I hate that. I don’t want that. But I realised I could not imagine so so much of the world not hating us.

And I want to keep imagining the world in which no, we are safe. Am Yisraeli Chai. And I want to keep writing it, for myself as much as anything.

So I’m going to, even if this part is only in my head.

[malkaleh]

The :counts: duology I wrote between 10-18 (may have been a bit more in early 20s) is a journey in what I was reading at the time is like, there’s a kernel of some interesting ideas in there.

it was 9 chapters and aside from horrified (which i was), i was also embarrased i read those chapters outloud to friends

[lesenbyan]

If i didn't need money so god damn badly I'd be writing a new pinned post right now, I want you all to know this.

[vintageunknown]

sometimes when I'm mad at my mom, I want to send her a screenshot of leslou with the caption you and dad.

[androdetective]

As a poc, I have a complicated relationship to vbros. On one hand, the world is really immersive and the characters can be really great, on the other hand it is a very white show and has a racism problem. Many of the white characters have done racist things when characters have gotten punished or killed for less. There's also barely any side characters of color. And even then, many jokes get made at them regarding their races, because they're not seen as the norm. Also because it's an adult swim show made by white guys.

Off the top of my head, there are 4 side characters of color (Orpheus, Jefferson, Kano, and Dr Z). If we want to be generous, we could include Al. Maybe even Triana with her being biracial, albeit entirely passing as white. Even with those characters, Orpheus became whitewashed over the years.

However, ironically enough, he's the best written character of color. He's a very nice, multifaceted character. He's even become a fan favorite. He's also had no racist comments made towards him in the show. Which was a pleasant surprise. Especially since he lived on the compound with Rusty of all people. As happy as I am with that, it feels off because why did they spare only him but not others? I'm not sure if his race was ever figured out as the writers. It never got brought up, unlike other characters. I won't lie, that gives me a feeling they didn't write him as a brown man in mind. If they did write him with that in mind, he probably would've been written worse. It feels like they could only relate to him and made his character good by thinking he's white like them. Hell, they even projected their weird breakup feelings onto him.

With Jefferson, his character is a mixed bag. He's a cool character and very capable. He's a solid character, all things considered. It's just that he gets racist jokes thrown his way. And just, the show has one black side character, and they can't even act right. Why is racism, the hatred and otherness of one's entire existence, so funny. I noticed that each episode except one that he was in had at least one antiblack joke. That's an insane ratio. The worst joke was in the Halloween episode, where he was at the party. They specifically made his character open the door to a side character, red mantle, doing blackface. It was to make a shitty reference to some niche movie and just oh my god, can you stop being shitty white nerds for a second? People who think shit like this is funny makes me want to project years of racial trauma into their brains so that they could finally Get It. Again, this is the best black character they have, but they to make him go through cheap antiblack jokes.

At least with Kano and Dr Z their skin tones stopped being yellow. The other times we see characters of color are when they're background characters. They're either there to make a scene feel full or they're labor workers. The worst is when they were what I'd describe as background antagonists. One-off antagonists that aren't really villain villains. Moreso regular criminals. These tend to be depicted as black and latino. This was more common in early seasons and stopped happening over time. Which obviously great albeit bare fucking minimum, still doesn't change that it happened.

For a world that critiques the old mentalities from previous generations and even specifically denounces generational toxic masculinity. They don't say shit about the blatant racism of the Johnny Quest times they parody. And the times they try to, it's just showing racism and doing nothing about it. Princess Tinyfeet is the worst example of this. She's a blatant racial stereotype. Who for whatever reason, used to be married to Sgt Hatred, an American soldier. And Sgt Hatred is a whole can of worms.

With Dr Z who was apart of the Quest era, at least they tried to give him a character. The thing I will say is that he's voiced by a white guy (Publick) doing a stereotypical vaguely Eastern Asian accent. Something I wished when watching the show was for Dr Z to mention the old racist era he lived through, and maybe even how the present is still rough. The toxic masculinity of the era got mentioned, so why not that too. It would've been so obvious too.

I won't lie, a part of me is glad they didn't try to handle the racism because it would've been a horrible train wreck. I can get why they didn't delve too into it, they're white after all. I just wish there were more poc in the team and sensitivity writers because they were desperately needed. But for a show that can't even handle white women, I'm not surprised they can't handle people of color. For a show whose best thing they were able to tackle was toxic masculinity, I find it ironic how misogynistic they still were. Like quick, why were the side effects of misogyny that affect you 🫵 handled the best.

The thing is, if they did try to critique the racism, they'd alienate the audience, and it'd also be strangely hypocritical of them. Venture Bros'/Adult Swim's main audience is white cishet men. The ones least affected by bigotry. They're able to laugh at bigoted jokes, and they're the most marketable people. White guys will appeal to other white guys. In the early 2000s, white creators were able to get away with much more. Not because it was alright but because it was easier for them to shut down minorities calling them out. Despite how "normal" it was, that doesn't change how that fed into a very toxic, bigoted culture. Despite today still being hellish for minorities, it was even worse just a couple of years ago.

Venture Bros obviously did not invent racism/bigotry. The show is very much a product of their time and environment. And whenever I think about that, it feels draining. Especially having had to live through the 2000s. The show can be amazing when it wants to be. There's so much potential and a lot of charm and character. I really enjoy it, and that's why I'm so critical of it. Not only because I want it to be better but because I want something better for fans of color. We barely get anything, and the least we should get are characters that look like us and are respected. Just like their white counterparts. It's like, how am I supposed to feel when Sgt Hatred gets redeemed and made a main character before we got a character of color that didn't face racist jokes/got whitewashed. Or even before we got a female character whose existence didn't hinge on their relationship to a man. Obviously, the show doesn't hate people of color. They've tried to better over time, which again great. But it barely felt like they respected poc enough.

With the movie, despite its own problems (not helped by Adult Swim screwing them over), you could tell they were trying. And it was really appreciated. Jefferson had a big spotlight, and there weren't jokes against him. We even got to know a bit more about him. It was genuinely his best. Ignoring Orpheus still looking like he's in a perpetual state of winter, that aspect of the movie was alright.

I'm very glad to see fans who are critical of these aspects. It makes me more happy seeing them vouch for poc. However, there's still a large majority that ignores or even excuses the racism. Unsurprisingly, these tend to be the white dude bro fans. But I've seen even the more liberal fans excuse/ignore stuff. The fanbase is very white, just like a lot of other fanbases. I can get why a supportive white person feels they wouldn't be best to call out the show's shit. I just wish they'd mention it more with a simple "oh there's xyz in this episode and it wasn't alright." Something as simple as that carries a lot of power in very white environments. Also, of course, uplift other fans of color, especially when they talk about or face racism. Things as simple as that make me breathe sighs of relief. It personally encourages me to interact with communities more.

I'm unsure of how to close this off. This feels like a topic you could talk about all day. All I wish is for things to be better, you know? Hopefully this all makes sense. I just wrote shit off the top of my head. I'd love to hear thoughts expanding or adding on to stuff. Really hope this reaches the right people

[malkaleh]

I have an abuse story that I am told is like, bad and I genuinely have a serious problem comprehending that it might be and let me say the extent to which I have felt too tainted to exist, to be depicted is So Fucking High. So High. I have heard that I am not allowed to depict myself in fiction because it is Condoning It and it has seeped into my bones despite the fact that I do not believe this in regards to anyone else. (I don’t actually think you need to have trauma to write about things either but). It made me want to stop writing for a long time. It still does, honestly.

(Inej from Six of Crows is like HI SAME TRAUMA to give an idea and it was incredible to actually be seen. She and Genya. And a friend wrote an OC who is me and listen, seeing people with my trauma being loved and protected and valued is life changing and saving).

I’m sorry for commenting all over this post but genuinely fandom purity culture has made me feel more tainted and dirty.

i cannot possibly overstate the psychological damage of growing up being abused in a way that is considered so disgusting as to be literally unspeakable and treated as such.

[sirenium]

Since the mob seems to be finding its way to tumblr, I would like to say some things about Hazbin Hotel:

Alastor is good black rep. First of all, he's biracial (Creole specifically) so chances are his skin wasn't the 'correct' shade of brown while alive either. Also he's fucking dead. Pale black people exist and we deserve representation, maybe if it was normalized to show a wider range of black people in media people wouldn't piss their pants when somebody looks more like me in a show.

Angel Dust is good survivor rep, and his story isn't fetish material. Survivors can be hypersexual as a result of their trauma, fuck off.

Removing a character's ethnic features that you label as antisemitic doesn't make you a savior.

Sure the cursing is excessive, but who cares? People curse in real life and maybe if you went outside you'd know that.

That is all. You're allowed to dislike a show but I swear people who dislike Viv's work make it their whole personality💀

[mrsshabana]

honestly i need a story time about the cult? also the link to that podcast, im intrigued now lol

𝐌𝐲 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭

Ok children gather around. It's story time 🤓

Note: Now I won't provide a link because I talk about a lot of personal stuff including my name and location, and I don't want so many people having access to that. But I don't mind telling my story here.

Content warning: Mentions of religious trauma and eating disorders

Ok, so let me set the scene. I was 18 and moved out of my parents' house. I lived in a ghetto apartment near my university where I was studying art.

Now when I moved out my parents stopped talking to me. So I really felt alone, I had no family, no friends, and I was in a new place so I was very desperate to have a connection with someone. So really I was the perfect victim for a cult because I was vulnerable.

One day I was walking out of the mathematics building when a student stopped me and asked me if I would like to read the bible with her. She was a Korean international student and she was really nice so I was like sure why not. Now at this point, I wasn't super religious but I did consider myself a Christian. But I never knew the bible very well and my family was the kind of family that only went to church on easter and Christmas.

So anyway, I read the bible with her and she explained it to me. The way she explained the passage was insinuating that there was a female version of god. That was something I had never heard of before but it was interesting to me so I decided to come with her to her bible study.

Long story short it ended up being this organization called "The World Mission Society Church of God." I went to their church and spent hours with them every Wednesday and Saturday because they made me feel accepted. They welcomed me and became like my family which I didn't have at the time.

Something I really loved about them was that their church was so diverse. There were so many different kinds of people there, I really felt welcome. Because growing up churches seemed so segregated. I'm biracial, my mom is white and my dad is black so growing up we either went to the white church or the black church. And at both I felt like people would stare at me and my family and that I wasn't welcome there.

So it felt really nice to have such a diverse church where I felt truly welcomed. Anyway, I ended up making a lot of friends there and I stayed with them for about 6 months. Then I figured out they were actually a cult. It's a long story but I won't go into it because this isn't even the main part yet.

After leaving the World Mission Society I felt really lonely again because I lost the only friends and sense of belonging I had. But I had to just keep going.

Maybe about 3 months later this random Korean guy approached me on campus and he asked me if I'd like to participate in a survey thing about the bible. I was skeptical at first because my previous church had told me that every Korean person was a part of their church. (Which obviously is NOT true). But my mind was thinking, "Oh no, what if they are trying to get back to me."

But I decided that it's not right to assume that this man is a part of that cult just because he's Korean. So I agreed to participate in this survey and I gave him my phone number.

Basically, a professor was writing a book where she'd answer people's most common questions about the bible. And she was surveying students to collect questions for the book. It sounded pretty cool to me so I was very interested.

I met up with the professor at a Starbucks on campus and I answered her questions about things I've always wondered about the bible. We'll call this lady Anya.

During our meeting, I expressed to Anya how I felt discarded by god because of my previous cult experience. I felt like I wasn't worthy of his love and I was very ashamed of what I did. Because we would literally pray to a human man who claimed to be god. After leaving I knew that wasn't true, and I figured god no longer loved me for what I did.

Anya was so encouraging and kind. She told me that is it 100% untrue, and that god does love me. That he put me through that experience for a reason and it only made me stronger.

Then she offered to do some bible study lessons with me so I could learn things the right way and start to feel a little bit better about my situation. And of course, I agreed. I was desperate to redeem myself and make friends again.

So I started going to this bible study once a week. Which turned to twice a week. Which turned into me going to some woman's house to have lessons. We'll call this woman Cara.

Cara was from Korea and so was her husband, they were extremely nice and welcomed me into their home. They would feed me ramen and cool snacks, and I honestly felt like a part of their family. There were lots of people in this bible study too and I made a ton of friends.

So fast forward, I had been studying the bible with them for about a year now. And nothing crazy, I was learning about the parables of the bible and the meanings of all those things in the bible that make no sense. It was very informative and interesting but nothing outlandish.

They sit us down for this big "reveal" about who the 2nd coming of Jesus is. Now they hyped it up so much and they told us that we can't judge this person no matter what. This whole time I thought it was going to be someone crazy like Kanye West or something. But no, it was an old Korean man.

He seemed unassuming enough? I had never heard of him so I didn't know why they made such a big deal out of it.

Now at this point, you are probably thinking, "Why the hell would you fall for this again?" Listen, trust me I was frustrated with myself when I left but you have to understand these people love-bombed me when I had no one. They became my family when I had none. They lied to me for an entire year so I'd trust them and get close to them before they revealed who they really were.

And they were a church called Shincheonji.

And I had no problem accepting this because these people had been my family and my best friends for an entire year. They'd feed me, watch movies with me, do anything to help me out. So I trusted them wholeheartedly. But really I was just being brainwashed.

So after I found out that they were Shincheonji they put me in their group for advanced students. And I'd begin studying multiple times a week at Cara's house and Anya was always there too. I would join the twice-weekly sermons via zoom as well. Where one of the Korean tribe leaders would give a sermon about something. I was in the Mathias tribe by the way, though that doesn't really matter.

I would do so so much with them, we even all went on a road trip to Houston where the other branch was. They even got me a birthday cake and surprised me for my birthday too. It was honestly great, and I loved them a lot.

We were basically encouraged to recruit as many people as we can because if we don't they will go to hell. They put so much pressure on us for this. They'd say things like, "Don't you want to save them?" And I am a very empathetic person so I felt like omg I want to save everyone! But on the other hand, ever since I joined Shincheonji my anxiety and depression went through the roof. The pressure to save the entire world is a lot for a 21-year-old girl. So I never recruited anyone myself because I didn't want them to have to struggle with the same mental health issues I did when I joined.

I also had some physical health issues arise as well. Their teachings would always preach how "The word of god is all the food we need." How spiritual food was more important than physical food. And that really stuck with me, especially when I got food poisoning and I couldn't eat solid food for two weeks. Something about not eating made me feel good. Like I didn't even need food because the word of god was enough, so why not just not eat at all? Not eating felt like the only thing I could control, so I clung to it. And I became anorexic. Being with Shinchenji was the only time I was ever considered underweight.

Anyway, I have so many crazy stories to tell about my time with them but I'll save those for another day.

I had been with them for about two and a half years before I started to question things.

We got a new teacher from Korea to replace Cara because she was going to have a baby. And this new teacher was a lot different and a lot less loving and nurturing than Cara had been.

She had said some things that I didn't agree with, and it started putting some doubt in my mind.

Ok so, on a side note I used to work at the library at my school doing data entry in the basement. And I would listen to podcasts a lot throughout the day as I did my work.

One day I found an interesting podcast about cults, where the host would bring cult victims onto the show and they'd tell their story. Well I was listening to an episode about the Moonies and I thought to myself, "Huh, they sound very similar to Shincheonji in some ways..."

But I knew I could not think such thoughts and that if I did any research then the devil would poison me through the internet. And I needed to strengthen my spirit for even thinking of such a thing.

So I went to reddit, and I found a subreddit called r/Shincheonji. I was like, "Oh yes! Now I can talk to other Shincheonji members and we can strengthen each other's faith!"

But it wasn't a subreddit for believers. It was a subreddit for ex-members and people who were against Shincheonji.

And at this point, I had already seen enough to plant that seed of doubt in me. I read more and more even though Shincheonji warned me I'd be poisoned if I ever researched them. But I couldn't stop myself.

I went through so much inner turmoil, you guys have no idea. My reality was crumbling so hard and I felt like my world was ending. It's hard to explain, but I was so indoctrinated and brainwashed by this point. This really ruined me.

I had to mourn the loss of all of the family and friends I gained these past years. I would cry almost every night because I missed them, and it was so hard to accept that they never truly loved me at all. To be honest, I still think about some of them to this day and I hope they got out and found peace in their lives.

No one in my life had known I was a part of Shincheonji. My closest friends nor my family, who had slowly started talking to me again. But I had to tell someone so I told my childhood best friend, we'll call him Blaine.

I got in a Playstation party with Blaine and I just cried. I cried so so much, and he was so confused. But eventually, I told him everything. And he was really supportive and gave me no judgment at all.

My main issue was, how could I leave? I have quite literally been living a double life this entire time and not having that scared the shit out of me. But Blaine advised me to cut them off completely and just leave without saying anything. Because his concern was that if they got the chance to talk to me, they would most certainly be able to pull me back in. And I know them well enough to know this is true. So that's exactly what I did, I left and went cold turkey. I even went as far as changing my work schedule too.

And here's where things get creepy.

I hadn't spoken to them for about a week now, and I'm at work. I'm working as usual in the basement on the computers and low and behold, three girls walk in. Girls from my cult, girls that I was close to.

Now students aren't allowed to just waltz into this room so they had some big balls to do that. But the weird thing was, I had completely changed my schedule and I was working on a day I normally had off. They should have had no idea I was there.

But here they were, holding a large cup of boba from my favorite place. And in my favorite flavor too, winter milk cap with mango popping bubbles.

They came up to me and said, "Hey girl, we noticed you haven't been coming to worship lately. Is everything alright?"

I said, "Oh uh yeah everything's fine! I've just been super busy with work and a ton of projects for class..."

"Ok, well we got this for you," they handed me the boba, "We were hoping to talk to you. We can wait for you outside and talk to you when you get off."

I started panicking so I said, "My mom is actually picking me up as soon as I get off so I won't be able to, I'm sorry! Maybe another time though, I'll text you."

They were convinced by my response so they left. And boy did I RUN so fucking fast after I got off work. I even called Blaine so he could talk to me in case they came after me, but luckily they didn't and I got home ok.

He started yelling at me for drinking the boba saying, "YOU IDIOT! THEY PROBABLY POISONED IT!"

But hey, free boba is free boba.

Anyway, after that event I knew I had to text that girl and tell her I was deciding to leave Shinchenji because I didn't want them to show up at my job again or follow me around.

So I texted her, trying to be as nice as possible and explain to her that I just couldn't do it anymore. I told her how this affected my mental health and my physical health. How I developed an eating disorder from being in Shincheonji too.

Her response was really rude and condescending. She said my mental health issues and my eating disorder were my fault and the work of satan trying to blame them. She told me that once I leave I can never be accepted into heaven, that I'm damning myself to hell as well as all of my family members. I'll be honest, she made me feel incredibly guilty and selfish for leaving. Their teachings were still ingrained in me. But I knew that I could never return after everything, so I blocked her and never spoke to her again.

Oh yeah and that book the professor was writing in the beginning, that wasn't real and she wasn't a professor. It was just a ruse to lure students in.

I will admit I could never get their teachings out of my head. And to this day, even though I know they were wrong, a part of me believes I am going to hell for what I did and all of my family will suffer because of me. So now I can't even look at a bible, and I no longer consider myself religious.

And after this experience, I reached out to that cult podcast that helped me realize I was also in a cult, and I got an episode of my own where I got to tell my story.

So yeah haha that's my story!

Today only my close friends know, and I never told my parents. They still have no idea and honestly, I don't know if I will ever tell them.

I'm still really plagued by a lot of things they did, and my worldview has never been the same. My life has never been the same. But I've been cult free for about 2 years now so I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I'm sorry this was so long. But if you read the whole thing I want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading my story. And if you are a college student, please be careful because cults like this are rampant on college campuses, especially in the U.S.

After leaving the cult, I needed something to obsess over, something to make me feel normal. And that was Gyutaro! And I gotta say, obsessing over him is much healthier than obsessing over the teachings of a cult.

Anyway, I want you all to know that this blog has been an escape for me and helped me to feel normal again after this experience. And I don't need a cult to make me feel loved anymore. Because I have all of you :)