#Biracial trauma

[d0vely]

Anti-blackness is a huge trigger for me and I am noticing myself get set-off when I see it more online. So I am returning to my old blog theme of posting what I like for me sans as much topical stuff.

Like... It is very traumatizing to grow up with such a feeling of perceived love as a child, and then as you become aware of the world around you, you begin to recognize the "conditions" of that love. That your family loves you the way they want to, not the way a child needs them to.

When you develop your place in the world as a mixed race kid there comes this like... Liminal thinking? Everywhere you go, so do the conditions of that supposed unconditional love. You're either a trophy or an embarrassment, and it's entirely up to you to regulate your internal perception of yourself. That you're neither of those things. You're human.

Non-black and black people alike treat you like you're supposed to "solve the racial divide." (an actual question my uncle asked me) and if you can't do that you're just an eye sore OR a token they pull out of their back pocket as some kind of "I'm not racist" gotcha.

And then, every time someone you trust microagresses you, gotta process all that shit all over again. I have methods of processing and coping. I'm just frustrated.

Naturally, I get way more grace and understanding from the Nigerians in my family, but there is still the colorism anxiety they have and it makes me extremely uncomfortable to be praised as "prettier" or the flip side, us kids being taught to ostracize the each other based off skin-tone or the stupid shit I had to navigate in public high-school after being pulled out of a fucking culty christian homeschooling situation.

Argh ok. Mental health vent over.

[crepuscular-coyote]

I watch those in the dog park with envy

My ears twitch at the sounds of their happiness but I cannot join in

Coyotes are not welcome at the dog park.

I watch those in a pack with envy

Their howls and barks echo in the empty night and my heart pounds

Coyotes are not welcome in a wolf pack

I watch the other coyotes with envy

They tussle and groom each other like family does and I sigh

I am not welcome no matter where I go.

[malkaleh]

For @nocompromise-noregrets really (because I pictured this as Thranduil and book/ROP!Elrond having a conversation about Maedhros and Maglor - dialogue snippets

“They loved us more than anything - they cared for us, protected us and they destroyed our world. I remember my naneth hiding us, telling us she loved us, would always love us. Elros was holding a little wooden ship that Adar had made - one of their soldiers killed our nurse and Maglor had him punished. He told us our naneth thought we were dead or she never would have left.”

“Maglor and Maedhros let us hate them but…we loved them and yet how could we not wonder what would happen if we ever did not, after what we had seen. And it seemed Elros and I broke hearts and caused hurt whatever we did.”

[lesenbyan]

I was gonna see about writing that aphantasia post finally today

And then I had a racist (or ableist. Racist seems most in line) Uber driver

[grovekeepers]

robin <3 i'd love to hear about robins own, personal views on his sex and gender, please!

Thanks for the ask, Fray!! (answering it gives me something to do while i wait for the electricity to come back on!)

I'm putting this under a cut, because I've been typing for a while now and I feel like this'll be a long one. I will add that I'm briefly mentioning an eating disorder under the cut, in case you or anyone else wants to back out of reading that.

For the longest time Robin didn't really have any views on his sex or gender. He had a lot going on as a neurodivergent kid/teen due to poverty and, well, the repressed queerness; was just out there functioning/surviving somehow and was in general just pretty miserable all around, so any discomfort about his gender identity/expression was just part of a big heap of everyday sensory overload. There really wasn't time for him to focus on or take a closer look at himself much, and besides, he wouldn't have known the terms needed to put it into words.

He developed a bunch of unhealthy coping mechanisms about All Of That (drugs, sex, an eating disorder, ...) and really spiralled for a while until he met this man called Murdoc, who sort of became a mentor to him, and set him straight again.

And if Murdoc's one thing, it's perceptive.

So while Robin and him travelled together for a while, he provided him with the space he needed to just take a breather for once. Maybe express himself for once. And the option to talk about his feelings instead of having to bottle them up. And most importantly, since his wife Cynthia is a trans woman, he taught him the terms he needed to put all that dysphoria related turmoil he had going on into words.

So really, up until that point Robin hadn't thought about it much. Not thinking about it meant not having to deal with it, he was just hoping all those weird feelings, whatever they are, would go away one day. But of course they wouldn't have if he'd just continued to keep on going like that.

Now that he'd talked those feelings through with someone and then went on to change up his gender presentation, though, things got a hell of a lot easier. Murdoc used the right pronouns for him, called him by the name they'd chosen together (one of his favorite wildshapes to use to spy on people is an odd looking robin, and they both decided it's a nice fit), and after a while of that, Robin began to cook up medicine (cough, testosterone) that would change his body.

And all of a sudden he just felt GOOD about himself for once. His body wasn't just existing to carry him through the days anymore, instead he actively liked looking at it. His voice didn't hurt his ears anymore, it just sounded right. There was growth and hair in the right places and muscles where there used to be softness that he'd previously tried to get rid of by starving himself down to the bones.

See, and only then is when he started to really develop views on his gender and sex.

He is and always was, by all definitions of the word, a bisexual man, even when he was still blocking out the thought and just hoping for the dysphoria to go away on its own. Gender non-conforming (if he can wear them in a masculine way, he still wears many of his old clothes because he can't afford new ones for example, and he's insanely fond of jewelry, be that piercings, earrings, rings, bracelets, ankle bracelets, waist chains, etc) and somewhat gentler than other men he's gotten to know so far, sure, but really not all that different. Transitioning, to him, was like a lifeline he didn't know he needed extended to him, but now that he's gotten a hold of it, he wouldn't ever let it go.

Masculinity can be expressed in very many ways, and his way of expressing it is being forceful like rumbling thunder and strong like a centuries old oak that you can shelter underneath. He'll bear the brunt of the storm for you and keep you safe. And when it's over, and you open your eyes, rather than the lashing rain, you'll see the beauty of the sun's first rays shining through the greenest leaves you've ever seen, while their warmth caresses you.

(One thing I'll say (and it is really just more of a game-related issue) is that his in-game model looks pretty unchanged in terms of testosterone changes even after all the mods I installed to get him a little closer looking to himself. It does unfortunately have a lot of people jumping to the conclusion that he's some flavor of non-binary or futch/butch (and leaving comments that make ME dysphoric at the end of the day lmfao), when in reality, looking at him would not really differentiate him from a cis man and I'm simply limited by the game. There is no room to doubt his gender if going off "traditional" (binary) characteristics. He does bind his chest sometimes, and he usually wears his clothes in a way that covers/hides the shape of what's underneath. Funny enough, I am currently working on a painting of him and I'm kinda hyped about the absolute physical likeness I'm achieving with it, so I'm adding a little WIP!!)

[bitchfitch]

Yeah it's a metaphor for how it's considered normal for boys to be emotionally neglected throughout childhood and how toxic masculinity and patriarchal ideas hurt men, but it's also literally about a big sexy bull man and a weird cat doing the fuck with eachother.

[blackgumball]

please dont look at meeee

[blurglesmurfklaine]

EVERYONE GO SEE STRANGE WORLD RIGHT NOW

[the-desolated-quill]

This show is obsessed with killing black people. Absolutely obsessed. It’s almost comical.

The most evil cut in cinematic history…

[malkaleh]

I was thinking about something

A lot of the reason for the OT3 verse, as it is is that I wanted to write my own fantasy of a world in which, by our now we, the Jewish People have been back in our indigenous homeland in peace for over three hundred and I realised…I’ve lost the hope that we could ever not be hated. And I hate that. I don’t want that. But I realised I could not imagine so so much of the world not hating us.

And I want to keep imagining the world in which no, we are safe. Am Yisraeli Chai. And I want to keep writing it, for myself as much as anything.

So I’m going to, even if this part is only in my head.

[lesenbyan]

If i didn't need money so god damn badly I'd be writing a new pinned post right now, I want you all to know this.

[malkaleh]

The :counts: duology I wrote between 10-18 (may have been a bit more in early 20s) is a journey in what I was reading at the time is like, there’s a kernel of some interesting ideas in there.

it was 9 chapters and aside from horrified (which i was), i was also embarrased i read those chapters outloud to friends

[boricuacherry-blog]

If Adele has a kid with Rich Paul does she realize she would be having a black child. Like would she be ready for that? How do ppl feel about white women who get with black men. I feel like the kid ends up getting the short end of the stick with identity issues and lack of appropriate blk (female) role models in their lives. Especially if the dad leaves and it becomes a single mom situation. Ppl wanna act like color doesn't matter but it does when you're bringing children into the world.

[vintageunknown]

sometimes when I'm mad at my mom, I want to send her a screenshot of leslou with the caption you and dad.

[fairandfatalasfair]

Charles is aces with people.

He can read a room. He knows how to tell when someone's upset, and he's pretty good at judging whether he can try to deescalate or whether he just needs to try to avoid setting them off. He's charming, and friendly, and easygoing, and difficult to offend. He's good at making himself into whatever people need him to be, making people like him.

And he can gloss over how he got that way, yeah? Ignore that he learned to read a room by growing up in a house where explosions of violence were normal. That he's difficult to offend because he spent his life being beat down by people for whom what he was would never be good enough. That he needed to be charming because he knew people weren't going to give the biracial working class kid a fair shake. That he needs to be liked because when you're not one of the guys they throw you into a frozen lake and throw rocks at you.

He's good at people! He's proud of the fact that everyone likes him eventually. And his ability to read a room, and tell what people need from him, and charm everyone he comes across is useful to him. All of this can still be true. The things that you learn from horrible experiences are still yours, and you get to make of them what you will.

But holy shit is there trauma attached.

[malkaleh]

I have an abuse story that I am told is like, bad and I genuinely have a serious problem comprehending that it might be and let me say the extent to which I have felt too tainted to exist, to be depicted is So Fucking High. So High. I have heard that I am not allowed to depict myself in fiction because it is Condoning It and it has seeped into my bones despite the fact that I do not believe this in regards to anyone else. (I don’t actually think you need to have trauma to write about things either but). It made me want to stop writing for a long time. It still does, honestly.

(Inej from Six of Crows is like HI SAME TRAUMA to give an idea and it was incredible to actually be seen. She and Genya. And a friend wrote an OC who is me and listen, seeing people with my trauma being loved and protected and valued is life changing and saving).

I’m sorry for commenting all over this post but genuinely fandom purity culture has made me feel more tainted and dirty.

i cannot possibly overstate the psychological damage of growing up being abused in a way that is considered so disgusting as to be literally unspeakable and treated as such.