#BillysReport

[braindeadbilly]

Yggidrasil.

Before this release I would like to say something. This song and video have both been posted before, multiple times, but this time it’s staying up. There was a time when I was going through an emotional rough patch, and I wasn’t confident in my work as a result. I deleted everything. It was through the power of repeating various mantras, and character bending that brought me to my current state of mind. Without it, and the people who love me unconditionally, I would truly be lost. With that being said, stay tuned for the upcoming track! For any new listeners, welcome to my sanctuary. I make music, not for you to dance to, but for you to sit back and lose yourself to. For my faithful friends who have been here for a minute, thanks for being patient.. I just wasn’t ready, but now I am, so I hope you’re ready for some fun!

-billy

[braindeadbilly]

Flying Alone Isn’t a Flex

A few years ago I fell in love again. The moment was short lived, but the memory will forever be apart of me. Truly she was all I could ever ask for, but with every story comes a plot.

She and I weren’t so different. We both loved making music, and even shared an ear for the same songs. We were both experiencing some problems at the time, but that’s life. No matter the time or place, we were there for one another.

It wasn’t until a surprisingly cool evening, unlike any of the ovenlike summer days, where everything between us would change...

I think about it sometimes. I think about how things could’ve went different, and how we could still be together. I think about how I would’ve been there for you, even when you couldn’t find it in your heart to be there for yourself, but you ended it between us, and for what? It all baffles me to this day.

All I ever wanted was what we had, but I suppose it’s better to have had it then to never have had at all, because at least I can say I have the memories. Sometimes I wonder if you recall it as I do, but if I really cared I would just ask, right?

-billy

[braindeadbilly]

People don’t like me as much as they used to.

I still get ticked off at the same stuff, but I don’t be tripping like that anymore. I realize people are going to do the things they do regardless, so what’s the point of reacting or even letting it bother you for more than a few milliseconds?

I am a nice person, I feel, but I also feel like I used to be nicer. The world changed me in a weird way, but even if I’m not as likeable as I used to be I feel like I function more efficiently. My emotions are under control, I’m trying for new things, and I’m way more confident. Yes, I’m definitely more effective, but at the cost of my likabllity. Being liked is nothing, because the things I mentioned are more valuable than the ocassional smile from strangers.

I can move freely through spaces without concern for the opinions of others, and I can get my work done in a timely manner. At the end of the day, fuck being liked by others so long as I love myself. Once I do something they don’t like they not gonna like me no more, but imma love myself forever.

[braindeadbilly]

Entry1

This is my first post of 2019.

Nothing much has changed aside from my heart now being set free. I definitely feel my energy shifting. She had such a hold on me, but it’s fine now...

It’s fine

I’ve been speaking to my family a bit more, could that be what’s been helping? We’re not exactly like minded individuals, and I’m not confident in their ability to hold water, but having people to vent to could play a role in emotional stabilization. At least that what it seems like.

My dreams have also been more vivid than usual, both night and day. It seems the more I focus on them the more real they become, and the enhancements only make them more fun to focus on. Funny how that works. It’s much like a wheel constantly rolling, the only thing that could stop that wheel?

Her

No... me...

I’m the only one with the power to stop my wheel from turning. She can’t control me here. I won’t give anyone that power anymore...

But I will admit...

She sure inspired the heck out of me.

Oh the poems of the broken hearted always seem to strike a chord. I loved you too soon. Your spirit, it was just so...

Familiar...

Whatever...

[braindeadbilly]

Firefly

Have you ever spent so long in a place you wanted to be that you forgot you actually wanted to be there? That has been my life for the past few years. I’ve been honing my craft and getting attached to my creations that I forgot my original goal. It’s sad...

Then I saw him...

He gave me my inspiration back. He reminded me why I started doing this. We are the leaders of our own cultures. There are millions of people out there looking for guidance, and we are so sure of our methods that we truly feel we can lead them to victory. 

No more sitting around. We will lead you to justice, we will take back what is ours, but most of all, we will follow our dreams. 

Take my hand. I too was blinded by the darkness, but no more. I see the light, and it is guiding me. If you are not in tune enough with yourself to see it yet, I will walk with you until you are.

[braindeadbilly]

never learned love.

Yesterday I picked up a hoodie from one of my favorite retailers, Old Navy. It’s just a grey sweatshirt with the word “Hope” written across the front of it. I saw it last week and told myself if it was still there that I would buy it once I got paid.

I tried the sweater on last night, but on account of how my day had went, I wasn’t really feeling it. I’d lost my house key and had to rely on my roommate to let me in. Luckily I had food in the house, because I would’ve felt annoying leaving to come back and have to knock on the door, potentially disturbing my roommate once again.

Today I tried it on and loved it. It fit me so well, and has that new shirt smell which it may retain for a while since I never go anywhere to have to wear anything cool.

While I was trying on my new garment tho, I’d been thinking about her again. This time it was different though. It wasn’t the same obsessesive and overwhelming emotion driven thought pattern, it went a little deeper this time. It went back to my childhood...

I recalled always trying to get my father’s attention and never getting it how I wanted. Instead he only used me for information about the whereabouts of my stepmom on the weekends and used what I’d told him against her anytime they would argue..

I remember hearing him always telling her something along the lines of “I had somebody watching you.” She would never suspect it was me...

I won’t go into too much detail about those events, but I will tell you.. being my dad’s little fly on the wall was the only time we ever really bonded. We never hung out or did anything fathers and sons emerald did. Instead he went out on the weekends and enjoyed himself with his friends, often forgetting he had a whole family at the house who wanted to hang out with him.

Sure, being with Arlene (my stepmother) was cool, but I guess it was only natural for a boy to want to spend time with his father. After years of never getting that actual connection that I sought I began to register his distance as a form of love...

Years later I would find myself trying to grow closer to her from afar...

I realize now that it’s not her fault that I fell in love, but my twisted definition of love that fooled me into thinking I was in love. She is just a nice woman, and I am but a misguided boy...

I really hope I can grow into what I’m meant to be before my emotions get me into anymore trouble..

[braindeadbilly]

Entry2

I prefer not to hang out with anyone. Why? Because people are too hard to figure out.

It sounds manipulative in a way.

“Why only hang out with people you can read? Because you want to predict their moves and alter them for your own personal gain?”

Not even. I’ve no use for people, and if I do have a use for somebody I would certainly pay them for whatever service I need them for. The intentions of the next man are just too mysterious for me. I dislike uncertainty.

Here is an example. Remember her? Of course you do. She was the basis of Entry1.

I met her at a place I go to often. She’s beautiful. Honestly, too beautiful to be with me, but she showed an interest in me that made life seem surreal. Here I was, this below average guy holding the attention of someone I dubbed an angel. Albeit, she has a child, but I’m no stranger to step parents, so I certainly wouldn’t have minded being one.

My first mistake...

“Why are you thinking so far ahead?”

Because I was certain that everything would work out in my favor. We laughed together, shared our lunch time, and her hugs felt genuine. It wouldn’t be long until I wanted more of her...

Eventually she would propose the idea of going out on the town and partaking in livelier activities. Something I wasn’t used to as I love to stay at home and surf social media after a few bong rips, but I was willing to end my career as a professional couch potato if it meant I could be around her.

What happened after that...?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. We didn’t ever get around to doing what she suggested, but I didn’t let it die as I reminded her every so often. She’d reply with an excuse of some kind, and my hope would dwindle as time went on.

The jokes came to a slow, we stopped eating together, and our hugs became less frequent. I soon found myself in competition with the guys around me. She would laugh with them, eat with them, and hug them too. It was painful to watch, and that pain was turning me into a monster. During the transformation I could only wonder:

What did I do wrong? How can I fix it?

She insisted everything was fine, but the answer did not satisfy me. Was I too clingy? Was I too... myself...?

My giddiness is gone now. I can’t smile as much as I used to. She has the hoodie I let her wear which she replaced with a garment from some other guy...

Did she just want to toy with me? To see what she could do ? It seemed like it. But why me? Why not literally anyone else around us?

Everyday I wish she’d told me to go fuck myself when I first spoke to her. It would’ve made more sense in the long run. I would’ve gotten over it faster, but it’s okay now...

My transformation is nearly complete. I’ve accepted the changes she initiated as evolution. I want to be somebody I feel she deserves, all so I can continue to be happy alone, because I do not like uncertainty, and people... people sure know how to play the enigma card well...

[braindeadbilly]

Went to SoHo today. I can get used to this place. Too bad my phone died before I took any actual pictures, but here’s a half way decent one.

[braindeadbilly]

dreamwave.

I had a dream tonight.

I recently lost a relative. Though we weren’t related by blood we’d still spent a decent amount of time with one another. She appeared in my dream. We didn’t say much, but she made it apparent that she was annoyed with me.

“Why are you being this way? I thought we were cool?” I asked.

She laughed and invited me into the kitchen for food. This is when I woke up.

I believe I had this dream because I was invited to the funeral but didn’t attend. Maybe her spirit was disappointed in me...

The feelings that follow a time like that are not feelings I enjoy. I remember seeing a man I didn’t know in a coffin and balling my eyes out as a child. What kind of pain would come from seeing somebody I actually spent time with?

I... can’t... I’m just not ready... mentally, I was distorted...

As always, with time we grow, but still..

I pray for her soul to be at ease.

[braindeadbilly]

Memory Blink

Right now I’m just surfing soundcloud looking through the archives for something to jam to. This producer, Kirukusu is quite talented. They’re actually just one of the many producers I’ve come across that have caught my attention on the platform. Their sound selection is seamless, so the actual soundscapes are phenomenal to say the least. 

Anyways, aside from music life has been everything but smooth. Not complaining as I’ve been able to handle what’s being thrown at me, it’s just my growth is anything but impressive. I continue to smoke my mind away until everything just seems to mend together, from dreams to memories. Sometimes I feel like I’m addicted, but for certain it’s all in my head.

Romance.. That’s always a funny story in my case. I’ve written her yet another song, but why? It’s weird, how it came out. I fear I’m becoming somewhat of a creep, but so long as I keep my distance I’m sure nothing will come of it.