#BetrayedByMyOwnLogic

[not-glorfindel-stop-asking]

Lindir. I happened to overhear your conversation with dear Anonymous here, and I must say. *Narë clutches her head with both hands, a slightly unfocused look in her eyes*

WHAT IN THE DEPTHS OF THE IRON PRISON ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

You and Eredin are nearly age-mates. I cannot stress this enough, you are far, far closer to him in age than a child born right now would be. Lindir, do you know the age gap between Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn? A millenium. A thousand years of the Sun. You two were born practically days apart in confront.

Oh, sure, o jaded with life grizzled old man, tell me, what big battle happened in that century or two that you rememeber and he does not? None? None.

*Narë takes a deep breath, making a piramid out of her fingers, looking at you with a pained expression.*

Lindir. How the actual fuck you managed to cultivate the notion of being undeserving of love? Who hurt you this bad?

If Eredin loves you, then he does, there is probably nothing you can do to change that, his heart is his to give and take. You already spend all of your time with him, if you haven't noticed. He doesn't look like he would like to flee your presence, to the contrary.

Also, for the tree comparision. Lindir. Have you been to an old-growth forest???? Have you seen how the trees grow there? Most of them need the shade to strenghten properly, just go ask a woodland elf!

But returning. You deserve to be loved and to allow yourself to love, even if it is not romantic strictly speaking. You know that you don't need grand dramatic gestures to show love, right? You know that the concept of life-friends exists? You don't have to desire Eredin carnally for your love to count, nor do you have to constantly slather him in poetry.

Nobody is perfect, you dimwit! But if Eredin has already given you his admiration, then you have no way of making him un-love you. People care about you, for fuck's sake. Eredin cares, deeply. Half of Imladris cares, I care, Lord Elrond cares!

You aren't obligated in any way to give your heart away right this instant, but even if you don't actively encourage it, the love others have for you won't go away easily.

To be honest, I think you need to have a good, long, very awkward conversation with Eredin about what you two want, what you would like to do and avoid.

*she pinches the bridge of her nose, terribly upset, and you can see her eyes glowing slightly*

But please, Lindir, stop undervaluating your worth! You are not just a convenient depository of numbers. You gilmmer with starlight, Lindir, and it makes your spirit shimmer so beautifully. Don't dim that light, I beg you.

*Narë whispers, shaking her head.* You are our Lindir. Our.

Ah—oh—oh dear. Oh no.

Narë, please—I—I fear I may have stopped breathing at some point during that speech, and I am unsure if I have yet remembered how to start again.

First and foremost, I must—I must—address the sheer, devastating force of your words. You have, quite effectively, torn through the layers of my careful rationalizations as one might cut through parchment with a particularly sharp letter opener. I feel as though I have been caught in a great storm—the kind that shakes the very foundations of one’s understanding of reality and leaves them standing, windblown and helpless, staring at the wreckage of their previously held beliefs.

I—I do not know what to say.

I have so very many questions, and yet my mind is entirely blank. It is a distressing combination.

Firstly—age-mates? No, no, surely not, that cannot be—surely he is young, young in ways that I have long since ceased to be! Surely he is—he is bright and fresh as a spring morning, whereas I—well, I am practically a historian at this point! I have seen… many things! I— oh no, I cannot think of a single significant battle he would not also remember. Oh no.

Oh, no.

I— do I truly spend all my time with him? But no, that cannot be, for I have many duties and responsibilities and—oh. Oh, but he is always there, isn't he? He is always bringing me tea, and sharing quiet conversations in the library, and standing beside me when I am overwhelmed, and—oh no.

But surely—surely this is simply because he is kind, and thoughtful, and simply a very attentive friend! That does not mean anything! That does not—

Wait.

I—oh. Oh dear. Oh dear.

This—this is a deeply distressing revelation, Narë. Deeply. I had been led to believe that I was making neutral, impartial observations about the behavior of others. I had not—I had not—considered that I was, in fact, unknowingly narrating my own situation.

I feel as though I have been tricked by my own words. Betrayed by my own insight.

And—and—and the tree metaphor? I—no, but—but I thought— No. No, I need a moment. I need several moments.

…Starlight?

Narë, I do not—no, I cannot— I—I do not understand how one can possibly see such things in me, let alone say them so convincingly. I have spent so very long being… small. Not in stature, but in importance, in necessity, in the grand scheme of all things. I do not glimmer, Narë. I—I exist, I function, I serve my purpose, and I—

I do not know how to be anything else.

And yet—

I do not know how to refuse your words, either.

I—oh no. Oh, I think I need to sit down. Perhaps have some tea. Perhaps rethink everything I have ever believed about myself and my interactions with Eredin.

This is terrible.