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lowkeyren · 4 months ago

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FOR HIS HEART CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

in which — dan feng can’t imagine a life without you. so even when death takes your hand, he'll hold on to your other and do anything to get you back in his embrace, no matter the consequences.

pairing — dan f/heng x gn!reader

wc: 2.5k, lovers to enemies, you both are lowkey bad with feelings LOL, i lied when i said there's an alternative ending for hurt/comfort enjoyers, now suffer. (reblogs w comments are appreciated, pls enjoy <3) ps. dividers aren't working cus tumblr is being mean to me so using dashes instead ARRHGHGHG

—

lying in your shared bed, your breathing grows increasingly shallow, your hands tremble uncontrollably, signaling another episode of your deteriorating condition. the dim, cold room feels oppressive as you catch the distant echoes of the best physicians from all around xianzhou, their hurried steps reverberating against the walls as they hasten to your side.

dan feng tightens his grip on your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours, his expression etched with concern. the smell of herbal remedies and the sharp scent of sickness fills the air, mingling with the mustiness of the stone walls; a familiar sense of dread washes over you as you struggle with each breath.

his brows are furrowed, and his lips are pressed into a thin line, his knuckles turning white from the tightness of his grip on your hands. the pressure is so intense that it almost hurts —almost, but not quite enough to cause you (more) pain. he would never hurt you, not even over his own grave.

despite the best efforts of your personal caregivers, the limitations of medical knowledge, and the uncertainty of your treatments are harsh realities you have to face. it fills him with anguish to witness your episodes almost daily —suddenly collapsing in his arms, gasping for breath; moments like these are where he feels like he's standing right beside your deathbed, desperately hoping for signs of improvement each time you open your eyes again.

it kills him that there's nothing he can do but watch over you, he watches as you waste away before his eyes, feeling a piece of himself wither away in tandem.

dan feng’s eyes search yours the moment you regain consciousness, the doctors respectfully step back, bowing before hurriedly exiting the room. his heart breaks into a million pieces when he sees your eyes that were once bright with joy, now clouded with tears. the sight pierces through him, stirring a deep ache in his chest.

"dan feng," you whisper hoarsely, your voice fragile with pain. “it hurts, it hurts so much…” he presses a soft kiss against your entwined hand, his touch a soothing balm amidst the storm raging within him. “don’t worry,” he murmurs softly, “i’ll make it go away soon, i swear.”

“thank you.. but promise me, if i don't make it, you'll find a way to move on.” you manage a weak smile through the pain. his eyes glisten with unshed tears, he shakes his head slightly, "i won’t let that happen."

of course he won’t. you were the kindest, most lovely soul before this godforsaken unknown illness with no definitive cure stole your life away; he sees your smile slowly losing its radiance, and your eyes dulling as each day passes.

“this body… it’s useless, i’m useless. i’m sorry, i—” dan feng places a finger against your lips. his touch tender yet firm, stopping your words. "don't say that," his voice choking with emotion. "you're not useless, in fact you're the strongest person i know."

hearing you utter such self loathing words is like a dagger twisting in his heart, tipping him over the edge. you, who have always been his anchor in life's turbulent seas, slipping away feels like fragile glass shattering into countless shards, leaving him scattered and irreparable, each piece cutting deeper into his core with every breath.

he can't face the idea of losing you. it destroys him from within, even more so now that time is running out. but he won’t let anyone else have you, not even the cold hands of death. for you, he’s willing to pay any price, even if it means he has to break the highest laws of xianzhou.

—

you wake up feeling unusually energized, a stark contrast to the persistent aches and pains that have haunted you for so long. as you sit up, the familiar discomforts are no longer present, instead replaced by an almost surreal sense of vitality.

but something feels strangely off, an unsettling sensation gnawing at the edges of your awareness. your eyes dart around the room, frantically searching for your boyfriend’s presence; he has never left your side without a word (his protectiveness wouldn't allow it anyway), especially not for this long.

panic flares as you look down at your body. the surgical wounds that once marked your skin have vanished without a trace. your breath catches in your throat as you run your fingers over the smooth, unblemished surface where scars should be.

you push back the covers and swing your legs over the side of the bed, struggling to piece together what could have happened.

where is dan feng? is he in trouble? and, why do you feel so... alive?

then, a chilling realisation dawns on you. you try to shake the thought from your mind, but no matter how hard you try, you aren’t able to find any other explanation that fits your condition. as the high elder, dan feng should know better than anyone that such an act is a sin —a disgrace...

the truth begins to settle in, he really did sacrifice everything to grant you immortality.

—

“you’re literally the high elder for god's sake, what have you done?!” you exclaim, your voice trembling with a mix of disbelief and anger.

dan feng's expression is pained as he meets your gaze, his own eyes filled with a desperate resolve. “i’m only trying to help you. you don’t understand, i—”

“help me?” you cut in sharply, scoffing. “you betrayed xianzhou! you betrayed me. i was ready to let go, so why?”

he reaches out to you, his hand stopping, and hovering in mid air as if unsure whether to touch you. "i can't bear to lose you," he confesses, his voice barely a whisper. "i can’t just stand by and watch you suffer when i have the power to save you."

tears well up in your eyes, the room feels suffocatingly small as you stand in front of him. for the first time, you find yourself on opposite sides of the battlefield, the weight of his transgression hangs heavy between you, tearing apart everything you once knew.

“by defying everything we stand for?” you choke out, your words laced with venom. “do you realise just what you’ve done?” he takes a step closer, his face etching with anguish. "i know i’ve made a grave mistake." he admits, “but will you believe me if i say that i didn’t regret it one bit?”

“how can you do all this… for love?” your eyes search his for answers that seem unfathomable. “no, my dear, for you.” he steps closer, his breath warm against your skin, gaze locking onto yours with an almost desperate intensity.

"but how can i ever love you again after this?" you whisper, your voice trembling. his heart shatters at how your eyes taint with fear and betrayal, the sight wrapping around his chest like a vice. the mere thought of losing you, of seeing you banished because of his desperation, is a torment he can hardly bear —but now one that he has to face.

"if you can't accept what i've done, i'll grant your wish, whatever it is.” he murmurs. “for you, i’m willing to pay any price."

though when bound in chains, his title of high elder does little to shield him from the repercussions of breaking the sacred laws. he’s taken away; his fate sealed by the very rules he broke. and you, the one he tried to save, find yourself exiled, cast out for the sin you never chose.

as you wander, lost and alone, the realisation of what he gave up for you lingers, a bittersweet reminder of his love that defied everything, yet cost you both so much.

—

the land of xianzhou is something dan heng is strangely familiar with; he walks through the maze of narrow alleys and crowded squares, every corner seems to whisper fragments of memories long buried.

“dan heng! look, isn’t this so cool?!” the excited voice of a pink haired girl reaches his ears. her eyes sparkle with enthusiasm as she animatedly gestures towards a nearby market stall with hand-carved trinkets. she continues to gush over the intricate designs while holding the hand of her grey haired companion, eagerly dragging them towards the stall.

his eyes follows them as their silhouette grows smaller and smaller, eventually disappearing amidst the crowd. just then, another figure in the distance catches his attention.

it’s a brief glimpse, a fleeting moment where your eyes meet across the street. perhaps it's your mannerisms, your familiar gestures, or simply the way you carry yourself ��whatever it is, it stirs a rush of adrenaline, a sense of déjà vu that he can’t quite shake.

dan heng pushes through the bustling throng, eyes darting frantically in search of you. the world blurs around him as he focuses solely on catching another glimpse of you; he spots you slipping into a narrow alleyway, and without hesitation, he follows.

the noise of the market fades into a distant hum as his footsteps echo softly against the alley walls. he turns a corner and sees you up ahead, your figure outlined by the dim light filtering through cracks in the buildings.

you soon reach a dead end, but as you turn to leave, you bump into someone’s chest. the world seems to stand still for a moment, dan heng's breath catches in his throat as he looks down at you. although your face is partially obscured by a thin veil, your features are still discernible.

“oh? it seems you still remember me.” you finally meet his gaze. those eyes he cherished so dearly still hold a spark of life. “[name]?” he murmurs, the sound of your name still so intimate on his lips after many years.

“you haven’t changed one bit.” he reaches out to gently push the veil covering your face aside. a flood of memories rushes through his mind, one a sharp pang in his heart. seeing you again triggers a vivid recollection of the exact place and position you were in years ago, a memory that stings to recall.

“i wonder whose fault it is?” you tilt your head, if only he knew the trouble you went through to find him again; given that goodbyes were never exchanged between you, it seems fitting to offer one now.

before he can say a word, you swiftly grab his collar and wedge him firmly against the wall. he doesn’t resist even when he feels the cold sharp edge of your dagger pressing against his throat, his gaze still fixing firmly on yours.

"have you ever felt remorse?" you lean closer into him, your voice is barely audible through your gritted teeth. he ignores your question; unexpectedly, he grips your hand, dragging the blade down to his chest, positioning the point directly over his heart.

"as long as my blood is on your hands, go ahead, do it." he whispers, his voice steady despite the tension. "my heart has always been yours anyway." his eyes bore into yours as if daring you to follow through.

his grip on your hand tightens, urging you closer. "and if this is what it takes to ease your pain, then i'm ready."

"...what? you must be out of your mind if you think this way of making amends will work." your disbelief is clear in your voice; you try to shake his hand away, but he refuses to budge.

dan feng couldn’t imagine a life without you, so when death takes your hand, he holds on to your other —and finds you again as dan heng. even as he gets on his knees and begs for your forgiveness, he still holds on to your hand as tightly as he can, afraid that any moment you might slip through his fingers.

“i’m sorry, i just couldn’t accept the thought of you leaving me.” and i still can’t, so please don’t leave me again.

you feel your willpower wavering, his very being melting away at your resolve. it's too much to bear, and you feel yourself slipping under the weight of his words. even still, you find yourself struggling to deny him. to deny yourself. to deny your own feelings.

you fight the urge to simply give in, torn between the desire to just let go and fall into the sweet oblivion of his embrace, and the fear of getting sucked back into a cycle of destruction and pain. the weight of all that history, all those memories of your bittersweet love, it's overwhelming, nearly crushing.

“i know.” your heart aches, but you still deny the crave of the comfort of his arms. “and you’re not wrong,” the dagger clatters to the ground, the metallic sound echoing through the alleyway.

“your heart is mine.” you push the veil to cover your face, placing your hands on his shoulder, leaning in. the cool silk brush against his parted lips, and oh… he’s been waiting so, so long for this moment.

though you pull away just as he comes to his senses. for the first time in years, he sees your smile again —the same smile that first captivated him, the one he had cherished and sought to preserve over the years.

"remember the wish you owe me?" he nods, unable to find words. the memory of his promise resurfaces with startling clarity, his mind racing with the possibilities of what you might ask for.

—

dan heng looks in the dagger's reflection; a dishevelled and broken man stares back.

the cold metal digs deep into his palm, the sharp edge slicing into his skin. in that moment, he wants nothing more than to be free of it, than to plunge the blade into his own heart. he feels the pain all over again, the pain of not being able to hold you, to touch you, to be with you.

for he knows that no matter how tightly he grips the dagger, it will never be the same as holding your hand. he knows that no matter how deeply it cuts into his flesh, it will never feel the same as holding you close.

“i wish i never loved you.” your words echo painfully in his mind. “and i hope we never cross paths again. goodbye, dan feng.” he releases the dagger with a sudden twist of his arm.

if choosing you over xianzhou was wrong, then consider him a sinner, and if loving you this much is his downfall, then consider him already on his knees.

but was it worth everything? was it worth it to see the look of utter desperation on his face? was it worth it to see him break apart in front of you? you feel only resentment and satisfaction; you made him feel what you wanted him to feel, you made him suffer for you.

the blade falls from his grasp, he stands amidst the shards of shattered illusions; the pain of your absence cuts deeper than any blade ever could.

perhaps in another lifetime, he can find you again.

for now, he honors your wish and only watches as you live on from the sidelines, yearning to be a part of your life again, even if only in his thoughts and dreams. he remains steadfast in his longing, a silent witness to the unspoken ache that lingers in the wake of your parting words.

—

masterlist

©lowkeyren 2024 only on tumblr. please do not plagiarize, translate, repost on other platforms, or feed my works into ai.

author's notes!! (my line of thought when writing this lul)

1. you made him suffer for you. -> irony. vengeance. he made you suffer BECAUSE of him granting you immortality. 2. dragging the blade down to his chest, positioning the point directly over his heart. = "my heart has always been yours anyway." -> which reader says with “your heart is mine.” 3. “and i hope we never cross paths again. goodbye, dan feng.” -> reader refers to dan heng as dan feng, i wonder what that means. 4. perhaps in another lifetime, he can find you again. -> you're both evil asf ngl, yes he will find you, you can't die aka you can't leave (him). ^ the only reason why he doesn't keep pursuing u now is cus he promised to grant your wish which is "to never cross paths again". (wow, he's such a man of his words.) 5. reader kisses dh over the veil, deliberately denying him the satisfaction of any intimacy. can be seen as a form of "punishment", leaving him yearning for more.

ty for reading xx for each reblog i will write 100 words for pt2 /j (BUT DO REBLOG IF U ENJOYED!! and it might not be a slash jay after all heuehehheh)

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mystellenia · 5 months ago

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first kiss with abby ୨ৎ

summary: after the romantic tension between you and abby reaches a peak, you two finally share a sweet kiss.

content: answer to this req and part two to this!! fluffyfluffyfluffy! ehehehehehe. i love fluff i love writing fluff. nothing nsfw. just lowk domesticity with abby and then super cutesy pie origami stuff and then a kiss 💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋 ok toodles enjoy

notes: three weeks of no post i’m sorry my children. i am back!!! classes just finished and now i have summer break so i just had to soak in my freedom from my fuckass med teacher. he can choke fr 💯

(wc 1.6k)

a series of vibrations from your phone rudely pulls you out of your sleep and you swipe your hand across the bed to silence the notifications. you find your phone connected to abby's charger on her vacant side of the bed, the sheets cold without the warmth from her skin to heat them up. she always ran hot—especially during the night—which usually resulted in her yelping at your cold feet pressed to her thighs and trying to absorb her warmth in the hours of the night.

you raise your phone to your face and are met with four notifications from abby on your home screen.

abby :p otw back with our loot

abby :p two berry pastries for the missus and one cream cheese puff pastry for me

abby :p and nadia gave us two chocolate croissants bc we're super cool

swiping to unlock your phone, you head to messages and reply to her.

you YAY thanks you're the best

you we gotta get nadia a gift card or somethin

you or a bottle of liquor

you head to the bathroom to brush your teeth with your toothbrush abby got for you for her apartment since you slept over so often. while you load your brush with toothpaste, your phone lights up with a notice from messages: "abby :p loved 'or a bottle of liquor.' " sticking the toothbrush in your mouth, you smile around the minty foam and continue freshening up before abby returns.

around ten minutes later, you hear the jingle of her keys at the front door and practically skip to the living room to retrieve your pastries.

abby unlocks the door and pushes it open, a brown bag with a cafe logo printed on it in one hand and a drink carrier with two coffee cups hanging from her ring and pinky fingers in her other. with her few remaining fingers grasping onto her car keys to not drop them, she nudges the door back shut with her hip and locks it.

her blonde head donns a blue and white trucker hat, the brim of it blocking her from seeing you standing and sheepishly smiling a few strides away. she calls out to you to signal her return.

"hey, i'm back! and i come bearing gifts. i got-" it's then that abby takes her hat off and notices you inching ever closer. "oh, hi. i got you herbal tea. there weirdly was a lot of traffic today, even though it's, like, seven."

she continues on as she unpacks everything that she got for you. "then again, i guess kids have school. man, i hated that about high school—waking up early and getting to class on tim- you know what? you're not listening anyway with your food right in front of you," she chuckles. "go on. release! free!" she pokes, using command words for a dog.

you kiss your teeth and scowl at her, mumbling a "whatever" before tearing into the paper bag. you're met with your two fruit pastries first, then you spot the chocolate croissants abby mentioned under them.

the two of you stand and eat in comfortable silence in the kitchen, you sipping on your tea and abby picking at her puff pastry. when you finish, you clean both of your spots and abby throws away the paper bag and pastry wrappers, washing her hands after.

after breakfast, you guys ping pong around her apartment, moving from her bed to the couch to the floor and then back to her bed again, all just to talk or scroll on your phones.

hours pass, and after a brief joint nap in her bedroom, you guys now sat on the floor of her living room, light filtering in from her large windows and warming your skin. the floor was littered in origami squares of all different sizes and colors, the origami book abby had gotten for you split open between you two.

there was a village of origami figures surrounding you, from hearts to frogs to ladybugs to cranes. the book was flipped to a particularly challenging page of an elephant, and you looked over at abby in confusion.

she was just as confused as you, if not more. her hair was tied in a messy golden knot at the nape of her neck, loose strands crazy and framing her face. her brows were pulled tight on her face, her eyes bewildered and looking at the same piece of paper in her hands as if she'd never seen it before.

"what step are you on?" she asks, looking at the square in front of you that you were working on.

"twelve. out of..." you flip the page twice. "god. thirty." you sit up straight to stretch your back out. "i get it, though. kinda."

"what? show me. i’m on, like, seven. i swear they skipped a step. or forgot to add a picture. just something is wrong."

you scoot over to sit next to her, pulling your leg to your body and propping your cheek on it. abby places her piece in front of you puts her hands in her crossed lap, her eyes wide and waiting for you to make sense of her issue.

"okay, let's see." you pull the book closer to you to confirm the step she's on. "step seven is... rotating and folding the back of the elephant."

"which i did," abby verifies.

you rotate the piece and immediately find her mistake. "which you did not."

"what?! where?"

"here." you trace your finger along the missing crease. "you see how on mine, this part is creased and pointed? like a peak?"

"uh-huh..."

"and yours doesn't do that."

she simply hums, so you look over at her to confirm that she's listening. her eyes are unfocused and locked on your face. they flit between your own and then drop to your lips for a second. the single second feels quite long, though, when she looks so deeply at you in the way that she does, or when her baby hairs draw attention to her blonde lashes, long and very slightly curled around her sapphire eyes.

she seems to snap out it—whatever it was—and she deeply inhales, licking her lips and refocusing on the task at hand.

"can you repeat that?" she asks. "sorry, i... i zoned out."

it was your turn, now, to lose focus and examine her. you stare at her lips, rosy and still glossy from her just licking them. you stare at the corners of them and the ever so slight frown her mouth always pulls into when she's focused. you stare at the little creases in them, the dozens of lines that-

"are you looking at my lips?" she questions, interrogative and almost paranoid.

"oh, um, sorry. i was-"

"why were you looking at them?" she interrupts again, her eyes wild and demanding an answer from you.

"because, i- well, you just licked them, so- i don't know. because." you swallow, mumbling, "what, can i not look at them or something?"

her stone stare softens after noticing your flustered state, and the two of you exchange a long and quiet look.

abby held her breath nearly the entire time. she didn't want to assume anything or read the situation wrong, but your eyes were dilated. they were dilated from looking at her, and just from that.

as if it were out of your control—like you were magnets—you started moving closer to her. abby could not seem to remember how to control a single muscle in her body, so she just sat and watched you move closer as her cheeks grew pinker and pinker.

you stop right in front of her face, the tips of your noses kissing and your breaths shared. after a few seconds, you realized abby wouldn't initiate anything, so you leaned in and pressed your lips to hers, short and sweet. when you pulled away, abby's eyes remained closed for a few seconds before they slowly fluttered open.

"you just kissed me," abby whispers in disbelief, pointing out the obvious.

"i just kissed you," you echo back.

it's abby who leans in for the second kiss, thick and intense with emotion, her hand sliding up your arm. her hand reaches the back of your neck, and she pulls you closer and deepens the kiss.

you press your forehead to hers and stop kissing her, an infectious smile taking up your features instead.

"are you.. are you seriously smiling right now?" abby gasps theatrically with mock offense.

your smile breaks out into giggles and you press your face into her cheek to hide.

"wow, i cannot believe this. you are laughing at our kiss!" she teases.

"stop, no i’m not!" you plead, still laughing.

"whatever you say." she grabs your chin between her fingers and pulls your face back to look at you. peppering kisses on your cheeks, she relents on her taunting.

"are you gonna show me what i did wrong, or what?" she says, referring to the initial topic of her paper elephant.

you smile back at her. "yeah, i will."

"okay." she presses one last kiss to your temple and then waits for your instruction.

"i was saying, there's supposed to be a crease here, on what'll be the back of the elephant."

abby nods and hums like she's listening, but really, she smiles at your profile as you continue to speak.

@abbysbug @abbyonmars @abigails-gf @picklesarenice69

heheheh all done!!!! this was so cute to write especially the end like i was talking to @abbyonmars while i wrote the end and we were fangirling over typed words and pixels. but what else is tumblr dot com for if not to fangirl!!!!

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bamfkeeper · 3 months ago

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SFW Headcannons: Nightcrawler // Sickness

a/n: I was sick for a good week and a half and I'm just starting to feel it taper off. I kept thinking about him, I just hadn't had the motivation to write anything for this topic. But now I figure why not. Just a short little collection of hcs while I write more imagines. No warnings really besides basic sickness themes. Gender neutral reader.

When You're Sick

Kurt fusses over you a lot when you're sick. He worries every second and he does his best to get you anything you need.

Medicine, water, broth, etc.

He makes you herbal tea and insists you drink it, wanting you to get better. He smiles, knowing the taste of the medicinal tea might be gross, but he always helps you with positive words.

"Now, it isn't that bad, liebling." he chuckled softly, finding it amusing how your face scrunched up at the smell of the hot tea. "It will soothe your throat and help your sinuses. Ich verspreche."

He manages to get you to drink, "That's it, good girl," he teased, "Drink as much as you can. It will make you feel better."

His hands will massage your sore body. You often wake up struggling at night or during the day you feel so stiff. He notices and he massages all those sore spots. "Sore?" he questions and kisses the nape of your neck. "I will help...just relax for me, ja?" he coos and does his best to be gentle but firm with his rubs.

He doesn't like when you're sick, but he thinks you look adorable with your puffy red nose and cheeks, your poor bundled body on the couch wrapped in a blanket.

He draws baths or showers for you, insisting you take a cold one if you are feverish. He washes you tenderly, he likes to tell stories in German to you, it helps you focus more on his words and he will praise you when you point out a German word with an English one that you know.

He makes homemade soups and stews for you, he likes to know what is in food before he gives it to you for eating. He doesn't want you to eat anything bad, so he likes to make sure to make it himself. No canned soup for you, only fresh at the hands of this blue mutant.

He doesn't care about getting sick himself. He will sit close to you, hold you and rub your back as you lay against him. He watches movies with you, trying to distract you from your sickness.

If you throw up, he holds your hair back if it's long, and he rubs your back. "Let it out, schatz...just let your body do what it needs to." he whispers, "Relax...breathe." his tone is even and calm, even if he is panicking internally seeing you so sickly.

He holds you if you need to cry, sometimes being sick can be frustrating. Kurt is always there for you, kissing your temple or forehead, arms and tail wrapped around you.

"I want ice cream," you whine softly against his neck, your throat ached and you needed something cool. It would help your fever too, so Kurt gladly obliges and gets up to get you some ice cream. "Of course, liebling...but only vanilla. You can't have a lot of sugar when you're feeling unwell." he says in a firm but gentle tone.

"Awee....but I want a different flavor..." you pout, making him shake his head. He was firm on his decision, tough love for you.

He might seem too firm at times for your liking, but he's really just concerned about you. He wants you to get better, since he knows you don't like being sick. He has your health in his heart and he loves you.

When He's Sick

Kurt is a big baby when he's sick, especially when he knows how much you will fuss over him.

At first, he tries to hide the fact that he doesn't feel well. He's not used to being pampered or getting 'days off' when he's sick because he never got that luxury when he was in the circus. He doesn't share a lot about the circus besides the happier memories, but he had a tough time.

This goes for being sick. Anytime he didn't feel well or caught a cold, he wasn't given a day to recover. It was like he was feeling as chipper as ever. They seemed to make him work harder, so he subconsciously learned to hide if he felt sick.

When you noticed he was coughing or sniffling a lot, you confronted him and asked him about it. He admitted to being sick but quickly assured you he was fine.

It wasn't until you began to get him things for his sickness that he slowly began to let go around you. He became a little more needy, asking for medicine or more pillows and blankets, and cuddling with you. He was almost like a toddler, whiny and pouty, but he was grateful for your help.

He always made sure to tell you how much he appreciates your efforts, even if it was as simple as getting him water. When he's sick, teleporting to the kitchen made him feel so dizzy. So you getting him water was such an easy task, but one he appreciated like you walked miles just to get him a drink.

"Danke..." he rasps, taking the water and coughing slightly. "You are an angel..." he drank quickly, avoiding any more coughing fits.

He snuggles you almost constantly, seeking you out in the bed or couch. He needs to be right beside you when he's sick, and he refuses to be anywhere else.

Baths are so hard for him when he feels bad, he doesn't like them and he's like a whiny cat. He tries to sit up so many times out of the water, but his 100+ degree fever says he needs the cold bath, especially since his fuzz keeps heat more.

You do your best to follow recipes for soups that will help him feel better. You feed him ice chips and spoon feed him the soup you make so he doesn't have to move (he whines if he has to move).

He's so in love with you and he's so grateful that you are taking care of him without a single complaint, because you'd never complain when you get to take care of the love of your life.

Thanks for reading.

*BAMF*

dividers by @/adornedwithlight

#kurt wagner #nightcrawler #kurt wagner x reader #nightcrawler x reader #x men #xmen #x men 97 #🎠my works

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ljubimaya · 4 months ago

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– A LITTLE DEATH

SYNOPSIS: Wounded after a gang fight, Baji finds comfort in you in more than one way.

C/W: aged up characters (Baji and reader are 20+ years old), mentions of death (no one dies, though), fem! reader, friends to lovers, confessions, mentions of wounds and bruises and the treatment of such, reader and Baji teasing each other, a little angst with tons of comfort, fingering, p in v, multiple orgasms, unprotected sex (keep it wrapped), soft sex, slow burn bc I yapped too much, pet names (pretty girl baby), lmk if I missed smth ♡

A/N: This took me seven months and three rewrites :,)) me writing soft sex with Kei is 100% self-indulgent and lowkey selfshipcoded btw

W/C: 9k+ words (I told you I yapped too hard, I'm sorry, it will happen again)

1 A.M. and you didn’t sleep. You weren't even tired, not after receiving the text from your best friend.

“I’ll be at yours in a while” was all Baji sent you. You received his message when you were just getting ready for bed, after you took a nice hot shower and put on your freshly washed pajamas. All hopes of a peaceful, quiet night shattered the moment you opened the chat and read his text.

That was at 10 P.M. the previous day. You’ve been sitting on your couch for three hours now and couldn’t get a grip on your idiotic best friend. Calls wouldn’t go through, messages would remain unanswered, and you didn’t even have the numbers of his other, equally idiotic friends so they could forward your message to Baji. Not that you would actually even reach out to them, despite being your friend’s friends, you were still deeply terrified of most of them.

Worry took over at 11 P.M. when he didn’t show up like he promised he would and panicked, when you couldn’t even reach him by midnight, and once 1 A.M. rolled around, you found yourself trying to rationalize him not showing up. Maybe he’s asleep in his bed? Maybe he’s still out with his friends? Maybe he’s lying dead in a ditch?

Dread truly was the best alternative to caffeine, you couldn’t even think of going back to bed until you knew he was alive and breathing.

So you sat on your couch, wrapped in your fuzzy blanket and sipping on your herbal tea to calm your nerves. The tea itself didn’t seem to help calm your anxiety at all, but you found that if you didn’t hold the warm cup, you'd reach out to grab your phone and start bombarding him with calls and texts. The little faith you had in him told you you would have enough time to give him an earful once he shows up. If he shows up…

A light knock brought you back to reality. You didn’t expect anyone except for Baji, so you felt safe to open the door. You didn’t know what it was, a logical conclusion that it could only be him, the hope you held in your heart that it was him, or an inner knowing. Whichever it may have been, you were right.

Upon opening your front door, you were greeted with none other than the first division captain himself. Although alive and breathing, Baji looked exhausted. Cuts littered his handsome face, bloody knuckles clutched to his stomach, and his tired eyes told you everything you needed to know. He needed to get patched up.

“Not asleep?” he asked in his deep raspy voice. His deep baritone usually makes you feel butterflies in your stomach, but hearing the tiredness out of his voice, you couldn’t bring yourself to swoon over him. At least not yet.

A sigh escaped your lips as you answered “No. Couldn’t fall asleep when you texted me you’d come over. Although, I didn’t think I’d have to wait three hours” You laughed dryly.

Baji frowned. He knew he arrived way later than he had promised you, and to his credit he would have arrived earlier if it were up to him.

Usually, he would have been rough to anyone who gives him even the slightest bit of sass. He’d beat them back to their place and make sure they would choose their tone more carefully around him, but you weren’t just anyone to him. You know his temper, you have been victim to it on numerous occasions now, but he never dared to treat you like one of his underlings. Baji was never rough to you, tried avoiding becoming loud or calling you names except for the occasional “stupid”, “nerd”, or “brat”, which he knew wouldn’t offend you.

“I know I said I’d arrive earlier, but you know how things are with the gang. One moment we’re having a normal meeting, the next we’re fighting some weak ass rival gang”

“You guys won?” you asked as you let the wild man enter your home. He grinned proudly as he settled down on your couch, still careful not to hurt himself further.

“You know it. No gang can stand a chance against us”

You rolled your eyes at him, chuckling as he boasted about his victory against the rival gang.

“They had more members than Toman does” Baji grumbled as he watched you bring out the first aid kit “The nerve of them to attack us. No name gang, heard about them only once during another conflict with another rival gang”

“The one from last month?” You asked, taking out the bandages and alcohol wipes. This wasn’t the first time Baji had asked you to patch him up after a gang fight, it became a recurring thing when you befriended the hot headed gangster. You would always look forward to seeing him after a gang fight, it was almost therapeutic to take care of his wounds while he rambled about anything and everything. Given your busy schedules, both of you living completely different lives, and thus having a hard time making plans to meet up, him coming over after a gang fight felt more like catching up with him rather than a chore to you.

“Yeah, those fucking bastards” Baji confirmed while he undid the buttons of his Toman uniform. Carefully, he took off the piece of clothing and put it right next to your first aid kit on the coffee table. You glared at him as he did that.

“You did not just out your dirty shirt on my clean coffee table”

“Oh jeez, stop it. You sound like my mom” He teased, his hand soon grasping the article of clothing. “May I throw it on the floor, mom?” Baji taunted you as soon as he removed his shirt from your coffee table. Chuckling at his teasing, you retorted “Careful, or else I’ll ground you for a week. You can kiss your little gangster friends goodbye”

The ravenette groaned at your quick witted response “Thank God I’m a grown man. Thank God you’re not my mom” You took the shirt from his grasp, your fingers brushing against his rough ones for a short moment.

“I can wash it for you. It looks really dirty, and I don’t want you to wear a dirty shirt when I’m done cleaning your wounds”

Baji’s face softens when you suggest washing his shirt for him “You really don’t have to. I don’t mean to trouble you any more than I have to-”

“Nonsense” You cut him off as you stood up and started to walk towards your bathroom “I’ll throw it into the washing machine while I’ll take a look at your wounds. It’s not like I’m going to wash it with my hands”

Baji stared at you as you began to retreat from him “You want me to leave shirtless?”

“No. You can sleep over tonight” You hummed. While bold, you knew that you wouldn’t let him leave in the dead of the night, especially with his injuries. The prospect of Baji staying for the night makes your blood rush towards your cheeks. Trying to conceal your sudden shyness, you turned around from him, hoping he wouldn’t be able to tell just how flustered you were.

No matter how late Baji would visit, he wouldn’t stay over too long. This would be a first if he agreed to sleep over. You were almost certain he would disagree with you, tell you not to worry too much about him, that he didn’t need to sleep over, but you were willing to fight him over it.

Baji scoffed “You really don’t have to. I don’t want to inconvenience you more than I already am. You’ve stayed awake for so long to take care of my bruises, you really don’t have to wash my clothes now too, or let me stay over. Besides” He stopped for a moment, studying the way you’ve turned away from him “You got work. I’m not a child you have to take care off”

“I understand that you’re an adult and can do whatever you please” You mustered up all the courage to turn around and face him “Let me care for you. I don’t want you to get infections, and I sure as hell don’t want you to walk home alone in your state. I know you can handle getting punched or kicked or thrown, but” I can’t handle it. You halted. Heart beating against your ribcage furiously, you felt the blood rush to your face. If I don’t calm down now, I’ll end up crying.

So you took a deep breath, trying to get a hold on your bubbling emotions “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. You’re staying, and that’s final” Without letting him react, you walked off to your bathroom.

You quickly returned with a big bowl filled with water once you’ve thrown his article of clothing into the washing machine. The walk back into the living room was filled with dread. Knowing how hot headed he can be, he should be pissed. He should be angry at you, he should tell you to back off and let him do whatever he wants. You were already mentally preparing yourself to argue and reason with him, but upon your return, you didn’t see a glaring, angry man.

Baji sat silently on the couch, waiting for you to come back. No traces of anger graced his face, no clenching fists, he didn’t even talk when you approached him

You sat down next to him. Although the silence was awkward, it helped you focus on tending to his wounds. His naked torso was littered with small bruises. You were able to make out small cuts, but they were predominantly on his hands. No open wounds except his bloodied knuckles. Mentally taking notes on his physical condition, you made a treatment plan. Deciding his knuckles needed immediate attention, you carefully took his hand into yours. Baji let you take his hand without any sort of resistance, instead, he watched you clean the surrounding area of the wounds on his fingers and knuckles before carefully dabbing the alcohol infused cotton. Before, you rinsed his open wounds with cool water to get out any rubble that could be inside. A low hiss escaped Baji’s lips once you lightly pressed the in alcohol soaked cotton. Usually, he’d tell you to be more careful, but this time he doesn’t say a word.

“I know it hurts” you muttered in an apologetic tone as you carefully dab the cotton on the wound, trying to get him to talk to you “I’ll try to be more careful”

Moments passed and he still didn’t make attempts to reply back. You continued cleaning his and dressing his knuckles and hands; and while it felt like an eternity without hearing Baji’s deep voice rambling about the gang or his personal life, you were finished tending to his hands much faster than it usually took you.

One look at the bruises on his torso, and you knew they needed to be cooled, especially the big and dark bruise on his stomach. Suddenly, you remembered the way Baji was clutching his stomach.

“What happened here?” You asked him, your fingers lightly grazing his rock hard abs absentmindedly. Baji groaned and gritted his teeth as you touched the bruise. Quickly realizing that he was in pain, you retreated your fingers from the hurting area. Mentally cursing at yourself for being so careless, you opened your mouth to utter an apology, but Baji was quicker.

“Got hit by a metal pipe” Baji told you, a scowl adorning his face as he sat up straighter “That bastard swung at me out of nowhere. Didn’t even see him coming, was too busy punching some other fuckers”

“I’m so sorry”

Baji snorted at your apology as he finally looked at you, his eyes locking with yours for the first time since you demanded he stayed over. “‘s nothing you have to apologize for. You weren’t there, hell, I wouldn’t want you to be at a gang fight” He grinned teasingly at you, the awkward silence from before having completely vanished “The streets aren’t for you”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at him and laugh “What? Are you calling me soft or something?”

“Maybe. Won’t call you tough either” He chuckled as he watched you reach over to grab the cotton again.

“Lift up your head. I still need to disinfect the small scratches on your face, Mister Tough” You hummed as you took his face into your hands, taking a better look at the small cuts that littered his face. However, your attention slipped into other directions as you kept on looking at him. Suddenly, you weren’t looking at his small wounds, but rather, you were looking at his plump lips. Then his pointy nose, his bushy eyebrows, and soon, your gaze fell upon his eyes.

Earthy brown irises looked back into yours, and you swore you saw them glint in the low light of your living room. You felt weak, your heart fluttering as you couldn’t bring yourself to look away. He has drawn you in with one single look of his eyes, and you swore you would drown in them like they were quicksand. Or maybe you would burn in the molten bronze of his eyes? Whatever it may be, all power left your body as soon as your eyes locked with his. You had no energy to look away; you had no energy and you certainly didn’t have the desire to.

“That's not cleaning my wounds” a wolfish grin appeared on his lips, obviously amused by the sight of you flinching and tensing up when he caught you staring at him for far too long.

Blood rushed to your face, you felt so embarrassed and humiliated at his teasing smirks. Oh that bastard…

“Well, I can't clean them when I haven't assessed them properly” you shot back, proud of your quick-witted response. Still, you couldn’t help but look away, the fluttering feeling inside your stomach growing more intense the longer his gaze remained on your form. Your face is turned away from him, your eyes averted to the floor when you felt his half bandaged hands reach towards your face, cupping it in a warm embrace.

The teasing smirk having disappeared, Baji’s face has softened. His thumb lightly grazed your cheek when he turned you to face him, and just like that you locked eyes with him again.

“Hey” he whispered in a tender tone, still stroking your cheek with his thumb “You ok?”

You leaned into his touch instinctively, eyes closing as you welcomed his warmth, basking in the comfort it provides.

“I’m not the one that got hurt” you muttered “I am however incredibly…..” you took a deep breath as your voice falters. You felt the urge to double down on your words and tell him that everything was fine and that you were just overreacting and tired, but you couldn’t bear holding your tongue anymore.

“I am incredibly worried about you”

Just like that, Pandora’s Box opened. The unsettling feeling you had right before he arrived returned and despite his warm hands holding your face, his face appeared to you so much paler than he usually was.

Baji raised his eyebrow at your concerns, his thumb still caressing your cheek while he remained silent. You took his silence as a go ahead to explain your worry for him.

“I know you are a grown man, and that you can do whatever you want. I can’t force you to do anything, and you know that you would never ask you to change anything about yourself” The words tumbled out of your mouth. Your heart pounded against your ribcage furiously, cold sweat coated your body and you felt your vision blurred. Yet, no tears rolled down your cheeks, you held them back as much as you could. There was no way you would break down in front of him like that. So you mustered up all the strength you had to calm your breathing before you continued.

“But I worry. I worry that there will be a day in which I’ll have to wake up to find out you’re lying in the hospital. I worry that one day I’ll wake up to find out you’re missing. And worst of all, I fear the day that you won’t return to me after a fight”

You didn’t even finish talking and tears were already rolling down your face. Despite initially not wanting to cry in front of him, you felt as if a burden was being lifted from you. Baji listened silently to your distraught ramble. His hands never left your face, holding it so delicately as if you would crumble into pieces if he let go.

“Promise me, Keisuke. Promise me that I won’t have to wake up in cold sweat from nightmares about losing you. Promise me I won’t have to stay awake all night long and wonder about your safety. Promise me you’ll always find your way back to me”

A shaky breath left your lips; you stared deeply into his eyes as you pleaded with him. You couldn’t take your gaze away from him, your eyes bored deeply into his, silently seeking for an answer to your emotionally charged demands.

Finally, Baji broke his silence.

“You know I can’t promise you any of that” He muttered. Baji firmly held your eye contact while his hands slowly retreated from your face “I can’t make such promises to you when I know just how unpredictable gang fights are”

This wasn’t what you were expecting, nor the answer you wanted to hear from him. Your heart squeezed at his honest answer and his sudden retreat. Crushed, you too made an effort to distance yourself from him, but when you were about to stand up and excuse yourself, you felt his hands on yours. The ravenette guided your hands towards his face, making you hold his face.

“I didn't know you were so worried about me. I never meant to inconvenience you in any way-”

“That's not what I'm complaining about!” You snapped back at him, not believing what you were hearing from him.

“You're not inconveniencing me in any way. I look forward to seeing you. I wanna hear you ramble about your tights, your gang members, your colleagues - anything, really. I just hate seeing you hurt”

Baji looked deeply into your eyes, and for a second you thought you would get swept up by his beautiful brown irises until you heard his usually gruff voice speaking to you in an unusually soft tone. A tone only reserved for you.

“Hey, look at me. I know it might sound harsh, but you gotta understand that I’m not making any promises to you that I know I won’t be able to keep. I wish I was able to say it with my full chest and promise that nothing will happen to me, but that’s not how life works”

His reasoning seemed plausible, and yet, your heart sank as Baji tried to reason with you. Something inside you yearned for more, you needed to hear something from him, or else you knew you would never be able to sleep peacefully at night.

“Keisuke” you whispered tenderly as you held his face gently, his hands still pressing against the back of your hands, keeping them in place. It was a firm grip, a grip that told you that he wanted to be held, and yet nothing about his touch seemed rough and forceful.

“I understand what you’re trying to tell me. I understand that some things are out of your reach, but this does nothing to calm my racing thoughts. I won’t be able to think of anything else but your safety when I know you’re out there. I know it sounds selfish of me to demand it, but for the sake of my own sanity, I need some reassurance of you”

Baji's eyes never left your while you spoke. His eyebrow furrowed as his mind worked out a reasonable enough deal for you, a promise that would give you a peace of mind and that he would be able to fulfill. Eventually, his grip on your hands loosened. While no longer pressed against his own face, he held your hands tenderly.

“I get that, I really do. While I can’t promise you that I will stay safe all the time, I can promise you that I will be more careful. I can promise you to be more mindful of my surroundings and I can promise you that I won’t run head first into fights”

This seemed to be all the reassurance that you needed from him. A soft smile graced your face as you heard his proposal as relief washed over you. It may have not been what you wanted to hear, but it surely was better than no promise from him at all.

“I’ll take it” a breathless whisper escaped through your lips. Baji broke his gaze from yours, only for his eyes to land on your hands holding his. You followed suit and looked at your intertwined fingers. You haven’t even realized that your fingers have laced with his. Was it when he made his promise to you to be more careful, or did you intertwine your fingers with his absentmindedly when you accepted the promise? Perhaps, it was him who took initiative and laced his fingers with yours?

Blood rushed to your cheeks when Baji gave your interlocked hand a gentle squeeze.

“You should be careful” You muttered “Don’t move your fingers too much, they’re still wounded”

“I know, but I couldn’t resist” Baji grinned as you shyly averted your gaze from him, trying to pay no mind to his teasing.

“But I will be much more careful from now on. Gotta at least try and stay alive if someone cares about me that much” He mused, his deep honeyed voice making you feel butterflies in your stomach. Usually, you would try and hide the way he made you feel. You’d grin back at him and tease him back. On a different day, you would have told him off, but after the rollercoaster of emotions you have gone through, you didn’t want to bite back at him.

“Yeah, you better” huffing, you carefully disentangled your fingers from his “I do care for you. Immensely, actually” You added in a quiet, soft tone before reaching to grab the antiseptic ointment.

“Careful, this might burn a bit”

Baji’s smirk has softened. Intently, he watched your face as you worked to disinfect his wounds. A low hum escaped his lips as your skillful fingers ghosted over his face applying the antiseptic ointment. While he felt a slight burning sensation, Baji enjoyed the tender touches.

“I know you care. You care so much you even ordered me to stay over and washed my shirt”

Heat rose to your cheeks upon hearing Baji’s teasing remark. You were hoping he wouldn’t bring it back up, but one glance to Baji’s eyes, free of resentment and bitterness, told you that he wasn’t trying to make you feel uncomfortable. Yet, you remained silent, not knowing what to reply back, or rather, too embarrassed to say anything back to the ravenette.

“I know I’m an ass sometimes. I’m impulsive, loud; I have a sharp tongue and I like weaponizing it, but I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am that you care for someone like me”

“Yeah” You chuckled while carefully cleaning a wound on his cheek, your heart skipping a beat when you caught the tender look in his eyes “You might be an ass, but you are my favorite ass”

Baji hummed at your reply “Yeah? That makes me feel so special”

Sighing, you put the cotton away “You know” you started, your voice carrying a nervous tone as you tried to articulate your thoughts “I’m sorry for trying to boss you around. Of course you don’t have to stay over. I could look inside my closet if I have a baggy shirt I could lend to you to walk home in-”

“No, I’m staying”

The firmness of Baji’s voice caught you off guard. Skeptical, you raised an eyebrow at your injured friend “You really don’t have to. I don’t wanna force you to stay here”

“Yeah I know, but I want to stay. I want to stay over, because I know you want me to stay. I don’t wanna worry you much more than I already have”

You let out a groan as you heard Baji out, frustrated at the guilty face he made “Hey, I don’t want you to think that you are a burden to me in any shape or form. I have no right to make you stay if you don’t want to, you are not obligated to stay over just because I threw a temper tantrum earlier”

“I get that” Baji watched as you sat down next to him after putting all the utensils back into the first aid kit “But I understand where you’re coming from. I know I would be furious at you if you were hurt and refused help from me. I know I would chain you to bed so you wouldn’t wander off and get hurt again”

“Baji-”

“It’s Keisuke” He rolled his eyes at your slip up, unable to hide his frustrations with you any longer “Listen, I do owe it to you to stay. If staying over is what will bring you peace of mind, I’ll stay. I care that you care for me so much”

And that was all the reassurance you needed from him. Baji went out of his way to make sure you wouldn’t worry too much about him; the way that he understood your anxiety regarding his health and wellbeing and tried to ease your mind made you feel butterflies in your stomach.

“Thank you” You muttered while you leaned your head against his shoulder.

“No, thank you. Thank you for always being there for me” Baji whispered back, his hand soon finding its way to your hair. A satisfied hum escaped your lips when you felt him play with your hair.

“You don’t have to thank me. Caring for you comes naturally to me. It’s like a fish swimming, or a bird flying. I love caring for you” I love you.

“And I love that you care for me so much. Makes me feel really special” Baji said when his fingers played with your hair, careful not to tug too hard on your strands of hair.

“You already said that” You chuckled at him “You already said that me caring for you makes you feel special. Although” You moved your head to look at him, a teasing giggle leaving your lips “I don’t quite understand what I do to make you feel so ‘special’ though”

Baji’s lips quirk into a grin as he turns his head as well and looks you deep in your eyes. And just like that, you were a prisoner of his earthy brown eyes. It’s as if the ground moved beneath your feet and swallowed you whole. The low light in your living room gave him an ethereal glow, and to you, he looked like the most perfect person.

“Hmm, it’s many things you do actually. You deal with my bullshit, like cleaning my wounds way past midnight. You laugh at my corny jokes, you cook from me from time to time” He chuckles “Although, your cooking skills are kinda lacking”

You scoffed at his teasing “I know I’m never going to be a Michelin star cook, but you always eat everything I make for you”

“I know. I would eat anything your golden hands would make” Baji hummed, leaning in closer to you.

“You know, I love it when you look at me like this” He mumbles as his breath fanning over your lips. Your stomach was in knots, the proximity between you and him made you feel so damn dizzy. A tiny voice inside your head begged you to lean closer to him, to finally taste his lips like you’ve always wanted to, but you couldn’t bring yourself to bridge the distance. The rational - and perhaps shy - side won pretty quickly, so instead of making any moves on him, you hoped he would kiss you.

“How do I look at you?”, you asked in a whisper, daring him to finally say what you have waited for for so long: A hint on how he truly saw you.

Baji’s hand reached to hold your face, no longer playing with your hair “Like I mean the world to you” He purred, his voice smooth like satin “You look at me as if I hung the stars and the moon. As if there is no one but me in the room”

“But there is no one besides you” You exclaimed, unable to stop yourself. Like a dam with cracks, you were bound to spill your feelings to him, and no force would hold back the flood.

“And you do mean the world to me. To me, you might as well have hung the stars and the moon” you breathed shakily. You haven’t said it directly, yet you already felt like you have spilled your guts out to him “You are so incredibly important to me”

“I know, and I hope you know that I care for you just as much” Baji leans in closer, his nose touching yours “In fact, I think I might care about you than you do” He muses, his eyes never leaving yours.

You felt as if you were on fire. It might have been the need to know if your best friend returned your feelings or not, it might have been the adrenaline you felt from feeling so close to him, perhaps you wanted to tease him back or it might have been a combination of all of the above, but you promptly challenged him “So you must love me then”

Baji’s other hand, the one that wasn’t already touching your cheek, gently cupped your face and leaned in closer to you, his lips ghosting over yours “I do” Baji mumbles, drunk of your smell and hungry to taste your lips “I love you” he breathes out before gently capturing your lips with his.

Time seemed to slow down when his lips collided with yours. You were hoping for a hint, a clue on how he feels for you, so getting a confession and a kiss from the man you have loved for the longest time made you feel emotional.

You wasted no time and returned the kiss eagerly, lips molding over his softly. Closing your eyes and moving your arms to carefully wrap themselves around his neck, Baji responded by turning his body towards you. His hands soon found their way towards your waist, his fingers softly gripping onto you. He didn’t want to let you go, he didn’t want to pull away or or even shift into a more comfortable position; not when he was busy summarizing every little detail of your lips. From the softness, to the taste, to the shiver he felt running down his spine when you moved your lips against his, he wanted everything engraved in his brain for the rest of his life.

Breathlessly, you pulled away from Baji. You were mentally cursing out your body’s need for air when your soul craved to melt with his. A deep hum escaped his lips when he leaned his forehead against yours.

“I take it you like me back” Baji mumbled as he looked you deeply in your eyes. Despite it sounding like he was stating a fact, you couldn’t unhear the slightly questioning understone. You chuckled and brought your hand to his cheek, gently cupping it while your other hand remained on his neck.

“I don’t just like you” You muttered as you stole a quick peck from his lips “I love you too”

Baji let out a satisfied groan upon feeling your lips on his again “Then kiss me properly” He didn’t even waste a second and crashed his lips with yours, unable to wait for a reply back from you. While the first kiss was sweet and slow, this kiss felt raw and urgent. You felt so shy feeling his passion, but who were you to turn down a steamy kiss from Baji Keisuke?

So without thinking too much, you returned his kiss with fervor. Addicted to your lips, Baji would soon pull on your hips, his strong grip making you feel butterflies in your stomach.

“Come sit on my lap, pretty girl” Baji whispered against your lips “Come on, sit on my lap” He demanded in a deep, sultry voice when he felt your hesitancy. Heat crept up your face and you looked away from his handsome face. His cheeks were tinted in a lovely red, the thin sheen of sweat made him look like he was sparkling in the dim light of your living room.

“Hey” Baji tenderly held your chin and turned your face to look at him. You could still see the fire of passion in his half lidded eyes, but there was also restraint “Am I going too fast for you?” He asked before he pressed a soft kiss to your cheek.

“No, it’s not that. I just feel a little….shy” You whispered the last part. If Baji didn’t have such a firm grip on your chin, you would have tried to look away and hide your flustered face.

“Shy?” Baji mused, a smirk creeping up on his lips “What you gotta be shy for? We confessed to each other, didn’t we?”

“I know, but it’s just so sudden. My brain has barely registered that you like me”

“Nuh-huh, I didn’t say that I like you. I said I love you” Baji corrected, chuckling “But don’t worry, I can go slower if you’d like that. I just want you to feel comfortable around me”

That seemed to do the trick for you; despite still feeling flustered, a rush of excitement spread over your body and overpowered your initial shyness. Who would have thought that Baji ensuring you that your comfort coming first would turn you on so damn much?

Feeling bold, you eyed his toned torso. You didn’t know if it was weird or not, but you liked looking at the bruises on his body; seeing his naked upper body littered in cuts and bruises just made you feel so hot.

“You could never make me feel uncomfortable” you whispered when you shifted closer to him, lips grazing over the now purple spot on his chest.

Baji groaned when he felt you kiss his wound, feeling both pain and pleasure from your tender kisses.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He growled as he felt your lips travel lower and lower, kissing each and every bruise and cut.

“I’m kissing them better” You replied back, humming as the taste of his sweat hit your tongue. You looked up from him, still kissing your way over to the very last wound, the one right on his pelvis.

A guttural growl rumbles from his chest as he took in the view in front of him: The woman he loved so much - desired for the longest time - kissing along his torso. Baji’s pants felt so tight when he saw the longing, lust filled gaze you looked at him from beneath him. Baji just wanted to lay you on the couch, rip your clothes off your body and make you his, but he knew that wasn’t the way he wanted to fuck you for the first time. He wanted to be soft and loving, worship every inch of your body and show you just how much you meant to him.

So he placed his hand on your head, stopping from going any lower “Lay down pretty. Let me make you feel real good”

You felt so weak to your knees when you heard his deep and husky voice, dripping with lust and hunger. The way he looked at you, eyes half lidded and full of love, made you feel so incredibly hot and bothered. Trembling, you obeyed and got up from your sitting position and laid down on the couch, impatiently awaiting his next move.

He laid on top of you, caging you between his strong arms. You were surrounded by him - his arms holding you in place, his toned body laying on top of you, his strong musk, his bulge pressed against your thigh…You felt so delirious when you breathed in his scent, smelling a mix of cologne, shampoo and sweat.

“Pretty” Baji breathed out when he leaned in closer to you. His breath fanned over your face as his lips kept an agonizing distance. So close, but not nearly close enough to still the intense fire of desire that burned within you. Garnering all the confidence that you could gather, you cupped his face and kissed him - a kiss he was all too eager to return. And when his tongue mingled its way inside your mouth, you put up no fight to deny him entrance; instead parting your lips so his wet muscle could explore your mouth.

You were too engrossed with the kiss, busy remembering the taste of his lips to notice him repositioning himself. Before, his arms caged your frame, making it impossible for you to get out of what’s to come. Now, Baji shifted so he was being supported by just one arm, while his now free hand allowed him to explore other parts.

Your eyes shot wide open when you felt his fingers lightly graze your naked thigh. Baji’s light, almost shy touches send waves of anticipation to your pussy. Even though you wanted him to trail his calloused fingers upwards along your thigh to your throbbing clit, even though you wanted to feel him pushing his digits inside your pussy, you knew that he wouldn’t do any of that unless you give him the go ahead.

Baji felt your growing hesitancy and pulled away from the kiss. Open mouthed, the raven haired man pushed himself away from your lips, only a string of saliva connecting your lips to his before it broke. Labored breaths left his lips as he watched you lay underneath him, his hand still on your thigh.

“What’s wrong?” His voice smooth and deep like fine wine, he asked. His eyes never left your face, trying to figure out your thoughts and his next actions. You chew on your lips as you were confronted with two possibilities: slow down or tell him exactly what you want from him. Somehow, the decision didn’t seem so hard to make.

So you held his gaze and smiled as your hands took hold of his belt.

“Nothing” You whispered, unbuckling his belt as you felt his fingers still caressing your thigh “You don’t have to worry about me. I want this, I want you.”

“Yeah?” The seriousness in his face melts into a light grin. Baji*s lips met your neck, kissing and nipping at the sensitive skin as his fingers inch closer to your pajama shorts “How badly do you want me?”

You let out a content hum “I’d say I want you almost as badly as you want me”

The man let out a snort as he heard your bold claim. Still, he didn’t stop his gentle assault on your neck “Ah, I doubt it.” Baji murmured, his fingers finally having hooked under the waistband of the pajama shorts before he tugged them down “Baby, that’s a hell of an assumption you’re making. I don’t want you” Baji let out a ragged breath as he finally pulled your shorts down “I need you”

Baji’s skilled fingers immediately traced your outer lips in a slow, teasing way before he dipped one finger inside your pussy.

“Look at you, you’re soaked” Baji grinned as he pushed his finger deeper inside, placing tender kisses on your cheek “Tell me when it gets too much, yeah?”

Softly pumping his finger in and out, Baji was careful to be slow and gentle with you. The man was in no rush, so he took his time riling you up. A fortunate graze against your velvety walls left you moaning and shuddering, letting Baji know he’s found the spot he was looking for.

“Feels good, baby?” your lover asked lowly, eyes trained on your face to detect any signs of discomfort. However, to his delight, he didn’t see any at all: instead his eyes were graced with you, sweaty, panting and eyes half lidded, and fuck does he feel get himself harder by just looking at your lust drunken state.

“Hng, never felt this good” you managed to whimper out. A satisfied chuckle left Baji’s lips.

“Yeah? Gonna make you feel so so good” The usually rough man leaned closer and began to gently kiss and bite the shell of your ear “I’m gonna have to add another finger. Gotta stretch you out nicely for me. You ok with that, right?”

Your pussy fluttered at the thought of getting stretched out by him. So you nodded your head and begged him to add more fingers “Yes, please. Wanna feel more of you” you whimpered as you felt his second finger, his middle finger, ease inside your fluttering hole. Once fully inside, Baji didn’t waste time,switching between curling and pumping his digits.

Your pussy swallowed his fingers. If it was with anyone else, you’d feel sheer embarrassment from the squelching sounds and your arousal practically coating his whole hand, his leg and the blanket under you, but you didn’t. Not with your beloved Baji, the only man that could make you forget shame and focus on feeling good.

His free hand sneaked under your pajama shirt, playing with your erect nipple while his fingers worked you towards your orgasm. Your moans were music to his ears, but the way you eagerly sucked his digits in made him wanna hear the sounds you’d make when you’re cumming. While he was still knuckle deep inside, Baji’s thumb began drawing tight circles on your throbbing clit.

Your moans grew more frantic, the pleasure overwhelming all of your senses. Buckling your hips into his hand, you chased after your orgasm. And before you knew it, the coil inside your tummy bursted, sending waves of pleasure all across your body. A strangled moan left your lips as your orgasm washed over you.

After he’s helped you come down from your high, Baji pulled his fingers out of your still twitching hole with a satisfied grin on his lips.

“Felt good?”

“Felt amazing” You hummed, watching him as he licked his fingers clean, groaning at the taste “Do I taste that good?”

“Mhhh, why don’t you see for yourself?”

With that, Baji crashed his lips against yours. You didn’t resist when you felt his tongue on your bottom lip, allowing him entrance. His tongue explored every corner of your mouth, allowing you to taste your own juices. Baji’s hand moved away from your nipple, instead grabbing onto the hem of your shirt. The ravenette pulled away from the kiss. Your head was spinning from the lack of air but you missed his lips on yours already.

You understood what he wanted and pulled your pajama shirt over your head and threw it away, not caring where it landed as long as he was still on top of you. Baji’s eyes drank in the sight of you, bare and needy for him. Calloused hands gently kneaded your moundsas he placed a hot kiss on your lips.

“‘s that all for me?”Baji groaned against your lips “Gosh, you’re so damn pretty, you know that?”

“I wouldn’t mind if you’d tell me so more often” chuckling, you returned the yearning kiss, moaning softly from his touch.

“Yeah? I’m gonna tell you every day” Baji’s kissed your neck downwards “gonna remind you every day how perfect you are for me”

His lips soon found your bare breasts, sucking and biting on your soft flesh. Baji carefully cupped your tits in his big hands before his mouth latched onto one of your nipples. Desire pooled between your thighs again. You wanted him, and you wanted him now.

A small giggle left your lips. Your fingers combed his silky black hair away from his face, tucking his locks against his ears “I’m perfect for you? And they say love is dead”

You felt him gently bite your sensitive bud, grazing the hardened bud with his sharp canines before he let go. “In every way possible, yes. You are perfect for me” Baji mumbled against your chest.

Your heart fluttered at his declaration. Somehow, this rough, impulsive man managed to make you putty in his hands. And you knew you were in it too deep because you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Your hands sneaked away from his hair, traveling between your hot bodies and stopping at his pants. His bulge was still firmly pressed against your thigh and you wanted to free his dick from its confines.

“Can I?” You asked sweetly, fingers gripping his belt, waiting for Baji to give the green light. Of course he would allow you.

Baji lifted his head from your chest, a cheeky smirk on his lips as he heard your request “I don’t know” He mused “Can you?” and before you could pout or tell him off, he quickly added “Go ahead. Been waiting too long to have you already”

You didn’t need to be told twice. Swiftly, you undid his belt and tugged his pants and underwear lower. Baji helped you in getting rid of his remaining clothes. The ravenette readjusted his position and lifted himself up before discarding pants and shorts to a random corner of your living room.

Finally, no barriers, no layers between you and him. You wanted to feel him, badly. Not being able to think properly, your hand wandered lower, tracing along his abs to his pelvis before you firmly took hold of his dick. Baji shuddered at your touch. Your fingertips barely touched as you wrapped your hand around his girthy cock. The stretch is gonna be deliciously painful. Your mouth watered at the thought of it.

Deep moans bubbled out of the ravenette’s lips, his eyes pressed shut at the feeling of your hand pumping him. Your hand stroked him with vigor, touching his cock from base to his leaking tip. God, you wished you could lick up all of his precum, but you knew there would be another time for sucking him off. Right now, playing with his pretty red tip and smearing his pre all over his tip would have to do.

However, he didn’t let you stroke him for too long “Baby, I’m not gonna last long if you keep on stroking me like that” Baji groaned “Wanna fuck you nice and slow” The raven haired man nestled his face into your neck, kissing the bite marks he gave you earlier.

“That is, if you let me” he moaned lightly as your hand stopped stroking him, retreating as he had requested “You sure you wanna do this?” your lover inquired. Despite his genuine concern, you saw the spark of desire in his brown, half lidded eyes, ready to be unleashed. You firmly nodded your head, unwilling to deny him or yourself of the intimacy the two of you craved for so long.

“Yes, I’m sure. I want you, here and right now”

That was all he needed. Baji wrapped his fingers around the base of his cock and slowly guided the tip inside your clenching hole. Moans and whimpers bounced off the walls of your living room as Baji slowly pushed his throbbing cock inside you. The stretch was overwhelming your senses; tears formed on your lower lash both from pain and pleasure.

Your lover stopped pushing himself inside you, instead his hand wiped away the single tear that escaped your eyes.

“You ok?” the raven haired man asked in a soft and worried tone. Your vision was blurry from the tears, but you could perfectly envision his furrowed brows and the concerned look in his eyes. Wiping away the tears, your predictions proved to be right. You knew him well, after all.

“‘m ok, it’s just a lot” Baji caressed your warm cheek and you leaned into it instinctively “You can move now. I don’t want you to stop until you’re fully inside”

The tension left his face as soon as you gave him the go ahead. Baji’s hand never left your face while he pushed every inch inside your pussy, caressing it lightly and soothing you. How sweet of him.

Once he bottomed out, Baji waited until you’ve adjusted to his size. He didn’t have a reputation of being patient, and although your walls clung to his dick so deliciously it drove him wild, Baji didn’t dare move until he knew it was fine for him to move. Oh the things he does for love.

You on the other hand weren’t feeling patient. You tried moving your hips against his but failed miserably when you didn’t feel the friction you were hoping for. Amused by your desperation, Baji watched your attempts at humping his cock with a wolfish grin.

“And here I thought I was being a gentleman for being patient” He laughed heartily “That’s not gonna get you off baby. Lay back and let me make you feel real good, alright?”

You rolled your eyes and chuckled, relaxing underneath him and letting him take control “You know, that does sound nice” your sentence got cut short by the sudden snap of his hips. Baji set a slow, comfortable pace. Not too fast to overwhelm you too soon, but also not too slow to bore you. Perfect for love making.

Your moans and his grunts along with the soft squeaking noises of the couch bounced off the walls of your living room. His sweat drenched body collided with yours over and over again, his cockhead occasionally hitting your g-spot. He’d feel the way you’d clench harder around him, the way your eyes would roll back and the louder whimpers leaving your lips when he’d hit the right spots. Baji was a very perceptive man, paying close attention to the movements that would entice such reactions and recreating them.

He angles his dick, hitting your g-spot over and over again. Baji’s efforts paid off, the sweet moans growing more frantic and your velvety walls clenching around his dick so deliciously were his rewards.

“You know, you look so damn pretty all worked up” Baji mused, giving your lips a yearning peck “But I need to see how pretty you look when you cum on my cock” With that, your lover supported his weight with only one arm while the other relaxed, hand sneaking between your bodies and playing with your overstimulated clit.

You felt a tight knot building up in your stomach as Baji continued to fuck into you. His pace picked up, his fingers not leaving your clit until you’d come undone for him. All thoughts have left your head and you weren’t able to form a coherent sentence at this point. You felt so overwhelmed; the way he sunk himself inside you at the perfect angle to hit your g-spot with his cockhead, the way his fingers drew tight circles on your sensitive puffy bud, the way his body pressed against yours, the way his face contorted in pleasure, the way that despite him chasing after his release Baji made it a priority to make you cum too, the way your name left his lips like a prayer. It made the tight knot burst.

You cried out his name as you came undone on his dick, just like he wanted you to. You arched your back as the wave of pleasure washed over you, legs shaking at how hard you came.

Baji couldn’t get enough of your fucked out face. His fingers stopped their assault on your spent clit, instead gripping your hip lightly. His movements stuttered, his own orgasm building up. Your walls clenched around him so tightly, begging to be filled up with his cum. With one last strong thrust, Baji emptied himself inside of you, feeling the warm embrace of your velvety walls milking him dry for all he’s worth.

Your lover collapsed on top of you, spent from the physical and emotional release. Baji buried his face into the crook of your neck and kissed your tender skin while your fingers raked through his long raven hair.

“I love you so damn much” He mumbled in between kisses “And I love being able to tell you that I love you. I love that you’re officially mine”

Warmth rushed to your cheeks at his admission of love. Despite laying naked under him, hearing Baji say that he loves you never fails to make you feel like you were on fire.

You chuckled, feeling butterflies in your stomach “Officially yours? When did you ask me?”

A deep chuckle rumbled through him as you teased him “Don’t be like that. You didn’t mind when you were screaming out my name not even 10 minutes ago” Baji lifted his face from your neck, a sly smirk adorning his handsome features “You’re mine, and I’m yours” he ended with a sweet kiss on your lips. You held his face and kissed him back, feeling warmth spread all over your body as he stated his claim over you.

The ravenette pulled away from the kiss and gently caressed your cheek “You know, I was also absolutely right about you looking beautiful when you come all over me” You wanted to scoff and tease him, but the soft, adoring look in his eyes made you reconsider. No traces of teasing. Baji really meant it.

Instead, you collected yourself and asked “So, you said you’ll stay over, right?” The way you’ve said it sounded so soft to him, he too didn’t have the heart to tease you for the remainder of the night.

“Mhm, gonna stay the night” Baji placed a small kiss on your forehead “Come, I’ll carry you to your bed”

#tokyo revengers smut #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers x reader smut #tokyo rev x reader #tokyo revengers x you #tr baji #baji keisuke #baji x reader #baji x reader smut #tokyo revengers #tr x reader #baji smut #mdni divider by cafekitsune

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becauseicantthinkwritings · 11 days ago

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Angel of Small Death

Part 1 of my Halloween mini series!

Dark! Frank Castle, Dark Priest! Billy Russo, Dark Priest! Matt Murdock

Warnings: Horror, Blasphemy, Blood play.

A/N: Special shout out to @ittybxttykxttytxtty who heard my idea and just... made it soooo much worse 😂😂😂

When your lamp flickers halfway between the dormitory and the groundskeeper’s cottage, you freeze in fright.

The night is cold, damp, and uncharacteristically dark. The moon, in her waning gibbous glory, is hidden behind the clouds of a departing thunderstorm.

All you have, to see the rocky pathway, is the oil lamp in your hand, that you’d been forced to top up with a touch of holy oil so that you’d make it to your destination and back.

If Mother Superior could see you now, she’d no doubt be rolling in her grave.

When you’re sure the lamp won’t go out, and the wick’s adjusted just right, you continue on, your eyes locked onto the little stone cottage, the low light of a fire flickering through the small window.

He could still be awake, you really hope so, you didn’t want to handle the mortification of having to wake him, and then have to ask him for help in the dead of night.

You shiver, trying not to look around, your mind threatening to spin tall tales of creatures lurking in the dark, watching you, waiting to strike. You count the stones you pass, ignoring the feeling of being observed that washes down your spine.

At his door, you climb the few steps, fingers wrapping around the icy knocker, and tapping it three times.

You wait, and you wait, and you turn around, contemplating giving up, and trying to fix the problem yourself. You can’t see far in front of you, the moonlight was usually your source of light in these dark hours.

You face the door again, trying another three knocks, before softly calling out.

“Hello?” You call, “It’s me, I-I’m the new Reverend Mother- I need your help.”

There’s a loud clicking as the latch is undone, and then you swallow, stomach twisting as the door cracks open.

By the mercy of God, you think, blinking up at him as you meet his eyes.

He’s- more attractive than the sisters had described.

“Mister Castle?” You ask softly.

“I am,” He answers. You feel your toes curl at the sound of his voice.

You shiver, and he blinks, widening the door and stepping to the side.

“Please, come in, it’s freezing outside.”

You let out an exhale of gratitude.

“Thank you.” You say softly, stepping in, sighing in relief as the heat of his cabin envelops you.

He strikes a match, lights a few candles at his kitchen table. You study him as the room gets a little brighter.

Such a defined jawline, a gorgeous mouth, his eyes, deep and dark and with an aura of sinister wrapped around him.

“Did I wake you?” You ask, voice light as you inch toward the fire, aching to settle into the cozy chair he had right near the fireplace.

“Only a little. Would you like some tea?”

“Yes please.” You say, turning to watch him pick up an iron kettle, and pour some steaming liquid into a ceramic mug.

“What is it?” You ask when he extends it out for you. You accept it gratefully, bringing it up to your face to let the steam warm the tip of your nose.

“Ginseng.” He answers, and as you take a tentative sip, you try your best not to frown at the strong herbal taste.

You drink it gratefully because the tea is warm and makes your insides a little less cold. It brings comfort, soothing your nerves to being alone with this strange man.

You study his place, the little cot in the corner of the room, the kitchen to your right as you step through the door. A single seat near the fireplace where you think would be the best sleep of your life in this frigid cold.

“I’m sorry for waking you, and I’m sorry I have to ask, but during the storm there was a creaking noise and water started dripping from several places. I would have waited till morning to get you, but I’m worried the water reaches the library.” You finish, thinking about the delicate scripture stored there by monks long ago.

He listens, nods, sips from the cup of tea he’s poured for himself.

“Something might have shifted out of place on the roof, I'll go up into the attic to see what I can do from below.” His gruff voice sounds, and you try not to feel affected by it.

This was simply a biological response, one you could do your best to ignore.

“I'll accompany you.” You say, feeling determined.

In the low light, you can't read the expression on his face well.

“Are you sure? The attic can be off putting in the dark.”

You give him a small smile.

“What kind of Reverend Mother would I be to make you go alone?” You say smoothly.

He grins, his teeth glint in the flickering light. He reaches, grabbing a jacket before opening the door and allowing you to step out before him.

You place the unfinished cup of tea on his kitchen table before you go.

Even inside the church is cold, the stillness of it is a big contrast to way it usually is on mornings, with the sunlight streaming in, catching on the occasional stained window.

Now, there's no light, no hearth, the pews are empty and the altar is dark.

You follow behind Mister Castle, trying not to shiver, his large shoulders and strong hands tell of a forbidden type of heat.

He turns his head on the stairway, looking at you in his peripherals, holding his own lamp in front of him.

“Where were you when you heard this creaking sound?”

You angle your head.

“I was in the pews, praying.”

“All by yourself?” Mister Castle asks.

“Yes? It helps calms me before bed. And… also… it's hard to sleep during the storms anyway, so I best make myself useful.”

He hums in contemplation of your words.

“Your knees must ache from kneeling for so long.”

“I'm used to it.” You say lightly.

His shoulders shake and you tilt your head in confusion, wondering what about that was amusing.

The church was the largest building in the monastery, and though the ceiling was parabolic in shape, and looked to be a part of the roof, it really wasn't.

There was a space between the ceiling of the church and the true roof, where the support beams resided and could be maintained easily without causing interference to the church below.

You watch Mister Castle use a wooden stick with a metal hook at the end to tug on a piece of rope. He makes a low grunt as he pulls, and the wooden stairway descends.

You'd never been up here, and you were a little curious to see how it looked.

“Be careful,” he says, turning back to look at you, his eyes holding a mirthful light, “There's a few nails sticking out of the steps, watch where you put your feet.”

You nod, and watch as he climbs the wooden steps remembering what he does so that you can follow.

You have to tug your skirt up, from its normal length around your calves, all the way up to your knees so that it's easier. You leave your lamp behind, placing it on a table nearby and dimming it in favour of holding your skirt up for the climb.

If you thought the church was cold, the attic is worse, he extends his hand for you to take when you're near the top and you accept gratefully, having the answer to a question you didn't know you'd been asking.

His hand is warm, rough, you take a deep breath, trying to rid yourself of unwanted thoughts, you try to simply experience his touch, rather than feel it.

You give him a nod of thanks, before looking around the room.

There are objects shrouded in cloths all around, you can't tell much more than that, and you follow behind Mister Castle as he searches for any evidence of water leaks.

You wrap your arms around yourself, thankful at least that you weren't alone, that there was some comfort of having another person with you in such a quiet, dark place. You hope you brought him some comfort as well.

“Here.” He says, placing the lamp down on a nearby surface, and tugging his jacket off.

You open your mouth to protest, but he's already extending it to you and you really are cold.

“Thank you.” You say simply, accepting the heavy garment.

It's warm from his residual heat, you press your thighs together to ignore whatever was going on within you.

When he turns away, you bring the collar up, pressing it to your nose.

It had been years since you last breathed in the scent of a man like this, and Mister Castle certainly had a scent worth memorizing. A hint of smoke and sage, a touch of his unique musk, you feel your head swim at his smell.

Your body tingles as you watch him, examining the area, his arms are large, you suspect you would have difficulty in touching your fingers together if you tried to hold his arm with both hands.

You don't take your thoughts further than that, reciting a small prayer in your head, one that would give you strength to resist temptation.

“Here,” he murmurs, glancing back at you. You step up, looking around him to see that he's pointing up at a beam, that appears to have shifted, a stream of water coming down, even though the rains had stopped for at least an hour now.

He presses both hands against it and pushes, and when that only shifts it a fraction, he draws back and delivers a harsh kick to the beam.

Your eyes widen at the sound it makes, moving back into place, the noise reverberating through the room.

“That should do it for now, in case it rains again. I'll have to come back in the morning to secure it, but this should be okay.”

You blink, nodding, reaching for one of the shrouds covering a random object and you tug, using the dusty cloth to soak up as much water as possible.

When you tug on another shroud, you pause in surprise to find a bed, where the last object had been a pile of boxes.

“I didn't know there were beds up here.” You murmur, glancing over your shoulder at the groundskeeper, watching as he studies the bed, his eyes then sliding over to you.

You gulp, tensing up for a moment, trying to avoid thinking about the dull ache inside of you.

“I suppose,” He says, taking a step toward you, “Maybe this was a makeshift living quarters for when there were more people than the dormitories could hold.”

You swallow, nodding, fighting with every atom of you not to think about the implications of you, Mister Castle, and a bed.

You smile politely, moving in the dark to retrace your steps. Since the beam is fixed, you want to leave, no longer willing to be in his presence.

You weave through the dark, until you find the steps, watching him struggle to keep up with you, ignoring his words to be careful.

You've had enough temptation for tonight, angry at yourself for feeling the way you do, your uncontrollable desires had been the very reason you'd joined the community, seeking salvation from your earthly desires, and here was one rugged man, stirring trouble.

You were better than this, you were holy and you were pure and no one would take that from you.

You’re so caught up in your thoughts that you don't realise you've missed one of the steps until you slip, your shin of your right leg banging on the last two rungs of the ladder while your skirt catches on a nail, the fabric tearing and the nail digging into the skin of your inner left thigh.

You gasp in pain, your legs stinging as you grip the edge of the ladder to stay upright.

He glides down in seconds, placing his lit lamp besides your extinguished one before dropping to his knees in front of you.

“Let me see,” he says softly, pushing your skirt up, hissing in empathy when he sees the scratch. You can feel blood beading on the edges of the wound, starting at your knee and coming up to mid thigh.

“It's not too bad,” he says, examining it in the low light, “It feels worse than it is, there's only a little blood.”

You can only whine in pain.

He glances up at you from between your thighs and you feel something stir inside of you.

“I have a good remedy- May I?”

You nod, desperate to try anything to stop the stinging pain.

You definitely should have clarified what the remedy was before you agreed.

When his hot tongue meets your thigh, you choke on your breath.

He drags his tongue up, up over the length of the scratch, a weak sound leaves your lips.

“Frank.” You breathe his name shakily.

He makes a low noise, before retracing the path, his saliva cooling on your skin.

When he draws back, looking up at you once more, his lips are wet.

“Is that better?”

You can't speak, but by some miracle the pain does ease, when he turns his head, you catch sight of your own blood smeared onto his lips.

His eyes are- too sinister to describe, you watch his tongue dart out to- you glance away before you can see him lick your blood away.

He drops his head again, and once more, his tongue makes a path over your now tingling wound.

You jerk, pushing him back, watching him rise to a stand, towering over you.

You pant, eyes locked onto his, trying to look for an explanation for the way he makes you feel beyond the obvious.

“You're okay.” He soothes, bringing a hand up, tracing his thumb gently over your bottom lip for just a second, your lips tingling at the contact.

You suck in a deep breath, sliding out from between his large body and the step, you keep your eyes on him as you back away, the lamp flickering in his eyes as he studies you.

At the door, you turn, scrambling down the nearby stairs in the dark and heading back to your dormitory as fast as your shaky legs and limited vision can take you, the shadows chasing you all the way there.

You make it into your room quietly, panting, you pull off his jacket, dropping it onto your bed. You shed your outer layer of clothing, dropping to your knees beside your bed in your panties and chemise to begin praying.

You fall asleep like that, on your knees beside your bed, your rosary wrapped around your fingers. When you wake, it's with damp thighs, aching knees, and dangerous dreams of being bent over and filled in an unfamiliar way, by a man that smells distinctly of sage.

The scratch on your thigh is nothing more than a fading red line. You study it, amazed at the advanced state of healing, wondering how such an unconventional remedy actually worked.

#billy russo #billy russo x reader #billy russo x female reader #my writings #the punisher #dark!billy russo #dark!matt murdock #dark!frank castle #dark!billy russo x reader #dark!frank castle x reader #dark!matt murdock x reader

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anherbnatural · 2 years ago

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#instant fairness face wash #herbal face wash for dry skin #Buy Herbal Products Online India #Best Natural Skin Care Products in India #best products for skin care

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black-lake · 2 years ago

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self care based on your chart

I talked about the signs and houses connection to body parts and many of you requested this post. These are ways to do your self-care using your chart, the signs, and planetary placements and aspects. The same concept can be applied using simple self-love practices in other areas of life too.

✧ notes

I recommend you look at your transits chart or solar return as well to better know the best self-care practices at the time. You can base your general self-care on your natal chart but the transits can tell you the best times to take action or avoid taking action on something significant.

Look for the planets placements and their aspects, mainly if in the angular houses or make many significant aspects. Like I mentioned before I got so much dental work done when saturn was in the 10th, conjunct my mc and opposite north node, it was expensive but I was able to afford it.

You can also consider the degrees if you're feeling extra, in your natal chart and your solar return. Degrees can be associated with signs, so they can be simply linked to the areas they rule.

Planets rule things related to body parts like diseases or accidents and influence certain parts of the body depending on the aspects they make. Also two planets can influence the same body parts.

✧ SIGNS

Aries/1st house - head, face, brain, eyes

— Prone to headaches so get quality sleep, wash your hair often, and do wash your makeup, nothing heavy on the head. Exercise and workout in general helps release any pent-up energy or stress. Take good care of your eyes, sunglasses, eye drops, natural eye products/makeup. Keep your brain healthy. Foods and supplements that regulate your energy levels. Head massages, soft pillows, facemasks, frequent haircuts, breathing exercises, get enough brain oxygen. Fast thinkers and can have racing thoughts, so journaling, running, meditating can help. Release anger in healthy ways.

Taurus/2nd house - neck, ears, throat, thyroid

— The senses can be heightened so make sure your environment is comfortable, the temperature, the sounds, scents, fabrics, the food, arrange it like it's a visions board. Coffee, tea, warm soups, breads and oats, and warm herbal drinks that work for you. Can cling to that one thing they like, so do change your diet from time to time to get different nutrient. Renew your clothes, make your space cozy. Neck massages, aromatherapy, and body relaxation methods. Singing or writing, chill playlists, comfy places and peaceful walks. Cooking your own food can be therapeutic and healing for you.

Gemini/3rd house - arms, hands, lungs, shoulders

— Tend to be anxious and restless, since it also rules the nervous system and is ruled by mercury, so the mind is central. Can't stress it enough, but writing, journaling, speaking just getting your thoughts out. Since the mind is always active, look for ways to release that mental energy. Cardio, pilates, fast sports, board games, socialising. Can have fast metabolism and lean long body parts so accustom your diet and exercise based on that. Massage your shoulders, read a book, and do stretch regularly. Honestly.. joke around, taking all those thoughts seriously is no good. DO YO NAILLS 💅

Cancer/4th house - chest, breast, stomach, womb

— Ruled by the moon, get a healthy outlet for your emotions, accept your emotions, write, speak up, cry when you need, watch something funny, your comfort show, make yourself laugh. Check your hormones regularly, find a good diet for stomach health, whole grains and high-fiber foods, take your digestive supplements. Do yoga, stomach exercises, breathing exercises. Drink lots of water. Choose your friends wisely, find people you trust. Make your bedroom comfy, invest in a quality bed, get yourself comfy clothes. Cooking your own food is again a self love thing to do, baking, homey places, nature and quiet places. Get you a furr baby.

Leo/5th house - heart, spine, spinal column, upper back

— Ruled by the sun, go out more and get your vitamin d. Choose heart-healthy foods, leafy greens and soluble fiber foods and supplements. Check your heart health and blood pressure. Do exercises that work for both your heart, your upper back and shoulders, aerobic exercises, fun sports and activities. You can be generous to everyone but be generous to yourself too, buy yourself gifts, spoil yourself. Do a full hair and skin routine, find a hobby, watch shows that inspire you, make your inner child happy. Embrace you emotions, your skills, pursue your passions, be expressive and go out for adventures.

Virgo/6th house - abdomen, digestive system, intestines, spleen

— Listen to your body and keep adjusting your diet and routine to fit your needs. Your body can be just as picky, so be mindful of the food you consume, of any allergies or foods that are hard to digest. Get your digestive supplements and enzymes, do your research. Choose gut-healthy foods and the best times to eat for you. Go for a nature walk, exercise to release any pent-up stress, cardio or pilates. Get indoors plants or plant them yourself. Spend time with pets. Make your own natural medicine that works for you, even if as simple as tea. Read a book, journal to organize your thoughts, keep your space clean. Reward yourself and acknowledge your efforts and progress.

Libra/7th house - kidneys, lower back, bladder, buttocks

— Find a way to maintain a balanced lifestyle that works for you. Add a variety of nutrients to your diet, foods for healthy kidneys to make that skin glow, antioxidant foods and supplements. Keep your kidneys and bladder healthy. Lower body and buttocks exercises, strength training, dancing, going out for walks. Decorate and beautify your own place, try new recipes, go for a picnic. How you feel is more important than how you look, make yourself feel pretty, do a skincare routine, create a vision board, romanticize your life. Be the person you want to love and identify your own opinions from those of others, yours matter.

Scorpio/8th house - genitals, colon, urethra, reproductive system

— With all those transformative energies, change what you consume to fulfill your changed needs, feeding your body and mind the proper nutrients. Maintain healthy reproductive organs and balanced hormones, do your check ups. Maintain healthy guts, fiber and antioxidant rich foods, high vitamin drinks, herbal medicine can be beneficial too. Lower body and muscle exercises, stretch regularly, breath and meditate to calm your mind. Invest in quality skincare and unscented hygiene products. Journal, write your reflections, your progress and goals, positive affirmations, light your great scented candles and watch a funny show.

Sagittarius/9th house - thighs, hips, liver, legs

— Go out and wander around, exploring new places, foods, and random things will light you up, you know it. Find a diet that works for your energy levels, protein rich foods and shakes, citrus and greens, simple nutritious meals. Watch out for any leg injuries. Go out for running, do leg exercises, muscle building, any outdoors sports. Write a bucket list, update your wishes list, go for mini solo adventures, speak to the locals when you travel, learn new words, find authentic travel souvenirs. Listen to a podcast or watch a documentary, keep a positive outlook on your future, positive environment and self-talk.

Capricorn/10th house - bones, joints, knees, skin, hair

— Can get caught up in doing or not doing things, so allow yourself to both be active and rest when you need. Find foods and supplements that are good for bone strength and joint health, calcium and magnesium rich foods, going out and getting your vitamin d is good for both your skin and bones. Going for morning runs, muscle building workouts, chiropractic-approved exercises and stretches, any leg sports. Invest in skincare and dental care. Write down things like goals, tasks list, and self development notes. Watch things that motivate you and light you up, acknowledge how far you’ve come.

Aquarius/11th house - ankles, calfs, achilles, circulatory system

— Can be very future focused, so do protect your hopes and find an outlet to express them but enjoy the present as it is. Add water-rich foods to your diet, foods that help the blood flow like fatty fish, avocados and other circulation boosters or supplements. Exercises that improve circulation like jogging, cycling, cardio, dancing, swimming. Find ways to express your ideas of the world and fantasies, music can put you in that creative energy, meditation, talking to a friend. Take a long bath, light some candles, write down your ideas, your hopes and dreams, your thoughts and what you're grateful for.

Pisces/12th house - feet, toes, pineal gland, lymphatic system

— Can also be spacey and future focused so any self expression activities can help that energy flow. Choose foods that help maintain your body fluid balance, water-rich foods, leafy veggies, omega 3 rich foods, and supplements that boost lymphatic drainage. Avoid foods that drain your lymphatic system. Find hobbies that light you up, listen to music, paint, be creative. Nature walks, swimming, cardio, cycling, dancing. Taking frequent baths and soaking your feet in soap and epsom salt water can release stress from the feet area, grounding activities, reflecting, journaling and writing down your hopes and thoughts.

✧ PLANETS

Sun - heart, head, spine, spinal cord, eyes — can influence vitality, heart function, headaches, fever, eyesight.. etc

Moon - stomach, breast, lungs, blood circulation, body fluids — can influence colds, blood flow, dehydration, stomach issues.

Mercury - nervous system, ears, mouth, skin — can influence ear problems, mental illness, restlessness, breathing issues.

Venus - face, cheeks, throat, bladder, skin — can influence skin issues, bladder infections, throat issues, carbs and sugar balance.

Mars - chest, muscles, blood, genitals — can influence accidents, wounds, muscles weakness, energy levels, genital diseases.

Jupiter - liver, kidneys, pancreas, thighs — can influence cholesterol issues, fatty liver, toxins overload, diabetes, kidneys issues.

Saturn - bones, teeth, hair, legs, joints, knees — can influence knee or joint problems, dental problems, wisdom teeth, bone diseases, hair loss.

Note that these are just suggestions that I hope remind you and inspire you to listen to your body and take good care of it, discern, do your research and take only what works for you. much love 🫶

#astrology #astrology signs #astrology planets #medical astrology #self love #self care #self improvement #astro notes #astro observations #astro placements #astro community #birth chart #solar return #transits #astrology transits #astrology degrees #healthy habits #health

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natasha-in-space · 5 months ago

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VAE Ray is on my mind today. Like if we take the classic 'V route but in love with Ray' road, you cannot tell me that that boy did not think of you almost every single day during the two years he has spent away on his painful recovery. There is so much left unsaid between the two of you: so much guilt, so much hurt and so many regrets plaguing his head every time he sees something that reminds him of you. And, God, does that include a lot of things.

He goes outside and one look at the clouds brings back a memory of those short but meaningful talks he shared with you about the most simple of things. He remains indoors, and after taking a sip of the herbal tea that Jihyun made for him, he is immediately transported back to a peaceful tea party he set up for you. He stares at his hands, and he can't help but think back on how heavenly your touch felt against them. And how much he regrets wearing those pesky gloves at the time, never giving him the chance to feel your skin on his.

You're like a ghost that watches over his every step. It's often painful. Like a constant reminder of all that could have been if he didn't ruin every chance at his happiness with you. Sometimes it gets a little too hard on him, and Saeran takes over. But sometimes it's comforting. Like a warm hug, keeping him secure when all else falls apart.

He refuses to let you go.

So when he does meet you again, it's like a fragile fantasy that is far too idealistic for it to be true. Ray had no expectation that his brother would remember him. No matter what Jihyun has told him over those two years, he couldn't bring himself to believe that Saeyoung truly wanted him in his life to be the burden that he truly is. So when he gets crushed into a tight, desperate hug that is a bit too painful for his scarred body, his twin's whole body shaking, wracked with sobs Ray's ears can't quite register fully due to how unbelievable it all is... He's almost in a trance-like stare. Hearing Saeyoung's voice telling him to never leave again as he holds him so tight, it's like he's afraid he'll disappear into thin air once he lets go...

None of it was what Ray or Saeran had expected.

And then there's you. Your reunion with Ray will definitely be an emotional event for both of you. Ray was sure that, at best, you had forgotten all about him and lived on a happy and safe life. A life that you deserve. And at worst, that you hated him, and cursed him for hurting you the way that he did.

But instead, you are so unbelievably happy to see him. So happy that you are crying for him. Much like Saeyoung is.

The two people he had the worst fear of facing again were accepting of him and shedding tears for him in a way he had never even imagined.

So he also breaks down. And the three of you probably spend a lot of time crying into each other's arms as two years of grief, heartbreak, and recovery wash over you all at once.

After that, things don't immediately turn perfect. There are still many things that need to be said. You and Ray will have many conversations with each other, taking breaks to process it all piece and piece and not overwhelm one another. About what happened those two years ago. About what happened after that. About your feelings for each other. And about Saeran, too.

It's a process that takes time. But the fact that you're willing and even wanting to go through that process with him is enough to cause Ray to shed tears more than he could count.

The beginning is small, very small. Brief brushing of his fingers against yours while you are sitting together in the shade of a large tree in Saeyoung's backyard. The lightest of touches you give to his scars after he allows it. A hand resting on his shoulder gently as he talks about something heavy to let him know you're there for him.

Every touch leaves his entire body shaking, his breath stuttering in his throat, forcing him to let out the faintest of gasps. The first time it happened, he got very ashamed and apologized profusely to you, as he thought he acted like a complete creep and made you uncomfortable. Ray knows he's touch-starved, and that he's touch-starved for your touch specifically. But he doesn't think it's something worth dealing with, not wanting to be a bother to anyone. Not any more than he already is. A thought process that he will need to work on one step at a time.

You let him know that it's okay, though. That you don't mind. That it's your own desire to touch him.

After that, you begin to take his hands into yours. The first time it occurs, your hand jist clasps around his lightly. Then you interlock your fingers together, once he's okay with that. And then he feels safe enough to do that to you, too.

Holding hands with you is something Ray loves with all his heart. No gloves are getting in the way now. He can feel your skin directly on his with no barriers. It's a wordless 'I got you' that he finds himself getting more and more greedy for, the longer you indulge his cravings for human warmth.

His scars are not bothersome to you. If he doesn't want to, you don't force him to talk about them. And you're always quick to let him know how beautiful he is to you whenever he feels insecure about them. Even if he has a hard time believing that.

You're far too good for him, is what Ray finds himself thinking time and time again. But at some point, he comes to the realization that he is too selfish to let you go again. And then Saeran joins in on that line of thinking after his own long journey with you. So he doesn't let you go again.

And that's when everything changes.

Ray can be clingy with you if you let him. He desires to hold your hand inside the house, regardless of whether it's just a walk to the balcony or kitchen. He will rest against you whenever you are resting, reading a book, or indulging in your hobby. You don't need to talk to each other. He just silently sinks against you and sighs softly, letting your presence wash away all other thoughts floating in his mind. While asleep, he clings to you, almost as if his subconsciousness is terrified of you disappearing again. He fiddles with your clothes, with your fingers, or with your hair whenever you are talking to someone, and he's there with you. It calms him. Keeps him steady.

There is an undeniable bittersweetness to Ray's clinginess. GE Saeran's touchiness stems from his heart's pure affection towards you, but VAE Ray neecs to constantly remind himself that you're there. That he can touch you. That you are not going anywhere. And that you have no hatred towards him.

But it can also be sweet. Like whenever you help him take care of his burns, or you ease him into a warm, soothing bath you've prepared just for him. Ray may be anxious. But you are always eager to show him how much you genuinely care for him. How much you enjoy touching him in the way he has always wanted to be touched by you. To allow him to unwind with you. Close his eyes and let you take care of him with no judgement.

Your relationship with VAE Ray described in one word would be: peace. It's peace after the long, heavy storm you had to endure to get to this point. And it's peace that you will cherish for as long as life allows you.

#mystic messenger #mysmes #mysme #mm #saeran choi #choi saeran #vae ray #ray choi #choi ray #saeran x reader #vae ray x reader #ray x reader #i am EMOTIONAL okay #i love him so much #he deserves to live peacefully and quietly the way he deserves #vae saeran deserves a separate post on the same topic so he's just briefly mentioned

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thirtysomethingloser92 · 6 months ago

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Bittersweet Symphony: Chapter 2.

"You're so beautiful like this," You looked over at the man sitting at his desk, a small smile across his face, illuminated by the small lamp. "Like what? Sleep deprived, haven't showered in 3 days, living off energy drinks and spite?" You joked, shifting a bit self consciously on the leather couch. Rafael gave a small chuckle, "Like you. Looking at you like this, I don't think you've ever looked so beautiful,"

“You need to eat,”.

Carisi’s voice next to you brought you out of your self-induced misery. The cursor on the computer screen blinked a few times before you turned to face your partner. “I ate,” you argued, pulling out a packet of rice paper biscuits.

“You know, when my sister was pregnant, there was this little bakery a few blocks from her apartment that made these scones with ginger and chamomile. I’ll see if they still make them and bring them over some time.”

You smiled weakly at his thoughtfulness, but your stomach turned at the thought of food. “Thanks, Sonny, but I’m fine. Really. Me and food aren't really getting along at the moment.”

Carisi’s eyes softened with concern. “You need to eat,” he repeated gently. “It’s not just about you anymore.”

You sighed, knowing he was right. The stress from the ongoing case had been overwhelming, leaving you nauseous and exhausted. All you wanted was to go into the back room and sleep the rest of the day away. Just as you were about to respond, Carisi reached out and took the packet of rice paper biscuits from your hand, replacing them with a granola bar from his pocket.

“At least try this,” he urged. “It’s got nuts and dried fruit. Better than those biscuits. More nutritious for you and the baby.”

You took the granola bar, unwrapping it slowly. The sweet, nutty apricot smell was surprisingly appetizing. You took a tentative bite, and to your relief, it went down easier than expected.

“Better?” Carisi asked, a hopeful glint in his eyes.

“Yeah,” you admitted. “Thanks, Sonny.”

He smiled, the worry lines on his face easing. “You know I’m here for you, right? Whatever you need, just let me know. I'll bring some more of those over to you later on.”

“I know,” you said softly. “And I appreciate it. More than you know.”

He patted your shoulder gently. “Good. Now, let’s take a five-minute break. We’ve been at this for hours, and you need to relax.”

You nodded, grateful for the reprieve. The two of you walked to the break room, where Carisi made a pot of herbal tea. As you sat together, sipping the warm tea, you felt a sense of calm wash over you.

“You’re a good friend, Sonny,” you said, breaking the comfortable silence.

He chuckled. “Just doing my job. Can’t have my partner running on empty, especially now.”

The sincerity in his words touched you deeply. You knew he wasn’t just talking about the job; he genuinely cared about your well-being, you knew that all he wanted was what was best for you and the small being inside you. The past few weeks he had been the one constant in your life, from the moment you told Liv and the look of shock on her face "Is it-?", to Amanda giving you tips and offering you her daughters old baby clothes "I know you've only just gone into your second trimester but its better to be over prepared then under prepared trust me,".

“Thanks for looking out for me,” you said, feeling a surge of gratitude.

“Anytime,” Carisi replied with a warm smile. “We’re in this together. I told you this. It's you, me, the fetus in there and even Barba if he ever gets his head out of his ass” There was a silence that fell between you, and you knew what was coming next, "Have you heard from him?" You paused mid chew,

the granola bar suddenly feeling like lead in your mouth. You took a slow sip of tea, trying to buy yourself a moment to compose your thoughts. “No, I haven’t,” you finally admitted, your voice barely above a whisper.

Carisi’s expression was a mix of concern and frustration. “It’s been weeks, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” you said, avoiding his gaze. The pain of Rafael’s absence was a constant ache in your chest. “I thought he’d come around by now, but… nothing.”

Carisi sighed, leaning back in his chair. “I know he’s got his reasons, but this isn’t fair to you. Or the baby. Have you asked Liv if she had heard from him?” You gave a small shrug, "Lets be real for a moment, if she had heard from him she would still leave it up to him to come to me. She wouldn't tell me,"

You nodded, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill over. “I just don’t understand how he can be so distant. I thought we were in this together.”

“People react to things in different ways,” Carisi said gently. “But that doesn’t make it any easier for you.”

“I just wish he’d talk to me,” you murmured, feeling the familiar wave of sadness wash over you. “I don’t even know if he wants to be involved anymore. I feel like my whole life is on pause waiting for him. Whether it be waiting for him to call me, or to come back or something. I feel like I'm just stuck in this space and I can't even move on from him until I get some type of closure”

Carisi reached out, taking your hand in his. “Listen, no matter what happens with Rafael, you’re not alone. You’ve got me, and you’ve got the squad. We’ll get through this together.”

“Thank you, Sonny,” you said, squeezing his hand. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You’re stronger than you think,” he replied with a reassuring smile. “But I’m here for you, every step of the way.”

<:>

Later that evening, as you sat alone in your apartment, the silence was deafening. You picked up your phone, scrolling through old messages from Rafael, trying to make sense of his sudden withdrawal. Your heart ached with longing and confusion. Finally, you decided to call him, hoping to break the silence.

The phone rang a few times before going to voicemail. You took a deep breath and left a message, your voice trembling. “Rafael, it’s me. I just… I need to know what’s going on. Please, call me back. We need to talk.”

You hung up, feeling a mix of relief and dread. You had put yourself out there, and now all you could do was wait. As the minutes turned into hours, the weight of uncertainty settled heavily on your shoulders. <:>

The next morning, you arrived at the precinct feeling more exhausted than usual. Carisi noticed immediately, his brow furrowing with concern. “Any news?” he asked quietly.

You shook your head, trying to keep your emotions in check. “No. Nothing.”

He sighed, pulling you into a comforting hug. “I’m sorry. But remember, we’re here for you. Whatever happens, you’re not alone.”

As the day wore on, you threw yourself into work, trying to keep your mind off the unanswered questions and unspoken words. But every time your phone buzzed, your heart skipped a beat, hoping it was Rafael.

It wasn’t until late afternoon that you finally received a text. Your hands shook as you opened the message.

“Can we meet? - Rafael”

<:>

You couldn’t stop the constant twisting and turning of your stomach. Despite how hungry you felt- the rumbling in your stomach reminding you that you’ve barely eaten anything all day-you couldn’t help the small gag that came over you when the coffee was brought to your table.

God you felt so angry.

The white hot anger that twisted and turned in your stomach with every breath you took. You wanted to yell, you wanted to scream, you wanted to shake him and ask him why you weren’t good enough.

Why did he abandon you?

The silence between you and the man in front of you made your heart ache, conversation between you both used to flow so easily but now, now you couldn’t find a single word to say to him. You knew there was so much you wanted to say, to tell him. There was so many questions you wanted to ask him. So many Why’s you needed answers to, but nothing could come out of your dry lips.

“Is it mine?”.

The words left his mouth quietly, as if he was ashamed for asking. Your head shot up, meeting his brown eyes with your own, the question lingering in the air between you.

Is it mine?

Those words made you feel a hatred you hadn’t ever felt towards Rafael Barba. Not when you first met, not when you would be left red-faced after a lashing from the former ADA, not ever.

“What do you mean is it mine? Of course it’s yours. There isn’t anyone else I’d-“ you swallowed deeply, looking back into the brown liquid inside the cup before pushing it away from you, the smell making you want to regurgitate what little food Carisi managed to shove down your throat before you came.

“Where were you?” You heard your voice break, you wished that you had gotten a glass of water in before starting this conversation. The tears started welling up in your eyes, “I needed you and you weren’t there. Not just for this but for so much more. I woke up, and all you had left me was a note. No one had known where you had gone and I thought-“ You swallowed deeply and began picking at your nails, an anxious trait you had inherited from your grandmother, “I don’t even think it matters anymore. You made your choice,” You stopped picking your nails and looked up, seeing him look at you with an indescribable sadness across his face.

“Of course it matters. I hurt you and for that nothing I do can make up for it. After what happened I couldn’t put you through that. Could you have really been with someone who was labelled a baby killer?” He gave a sarcastic scoff, “I love you. I could never have asked you to give up your career to come with me. To run away with me,”

“But I would have,” You didn’t hesitate to interject, “If you would have asked me to resign and come live in the middle of nowhere with you then I would have,” Your voice rose slightly earning glares from the few patrons in the cafe, “But you took that choice from me thinking you were doing some noble shit. And now I’m pregnant, trying to make decisions that I can’t make by myself. I was alone, I was heartbroken and you weren’t there,”

“And I’m sorry I wasn’t. But I’m here now, I’m here to support you whatever you choose to do,” He went to reach across the table for you but you moved away. The thought of the man you once loved touching you made your skin crawl, you saw who he was and it made you feel sick.

His hand moved back to his cup, “Are you keeping it?”

You let out a small sigh and nodded, “Yep. I don’t-I don’t think I could go through with it. I thought about it, especially since you made it pretty clear you want nothing to do with me, but this is what I’m doing. I'm just over 14 weeks now, so either way this is where we're at. Whether it be with you as co-parents or without you,”

“I was hoping we could talk about that?”

You raised a single eyebrow, motioning for him to continue.

“There wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t think about you, or what you were doing. I never stopped loving you,”

“Yeah you did. You stopped loving me the day you walked out. I’m not doing this again. I let you in, it took us so long to get where we were. It took years for us to be together and you threw it away because of your ego and your assumptions. I won’t make the same mistake again,” You reached into your small black purse, ruffling around for some bills for the untouched decaf.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll pay,” Rafael stated simply.

You stood up, a bit unstable in your feet as vertigo hit; you paused for a moment before turning to face the man across from you, “The difference between you and me is that when I said I’d love you forever I meant it. You just don’t seem to get it, what you’ve done. You think that you can come back and walk into my life and nothing has changed. But Rafael everything has changed; everything has changed between us. Do you know what I think? I don’t think you came back here for me, I think you came back for something else. Otherwise where were you weeks ago when I called you?” For the first time since you've known him, there was no words which had left his mouth. No sarcasm or sass, no sincerity or words that could make your heart stop in your chest. There was just silence from him. A silence which made your heart break and your decision final. "Did Liv call you here?" You asked with an air of finality, your voice trembling but resolute. You needed to know, even if it shattered the last remnants of hope you clung to.

Rafael’s face contorted with a mix of guilt and sorrow. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. The silence between you stretched, thick and suffocating.

“That’s what I thought,” you said softly, more to yourself than to him. The reality of the situation washed over you, leaving you feeling hollow.

“Please, let me explain,” Rafael finally managed, his voice barely audible. “Liv did call me. She told me about your condition, how you were struggling. She thought I should know. But I came back because I needed to see you, to try and make things right.”

You shook your head, a bitter smile forming on your lips. “You had every opportunity to come back on your own. But it took Liv calling you to get you here. That says it all, doesn’t it?”

“I know I failed you,” he admitted, his voice breaking. “I thought I was doing the right thing, protecting you from my mess, but all I did was hurt you more. I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t change what happened,” you replied, the anger and hurt bubbling up again. “Sorry doesn’t change the fact that you abandoned me when I needed you the most. I can’t trust you, Rafael. Not anymore.”

He looked down at his hands, clasped tightly around his coffee cup. “I understand. I just… I want to be there for our child. I want to make things right, if you’ll let me.”

You took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself. “I appreciate that you want to be involved now, but it’s too late for us. I can’t go back to the way things were. But for the sake of our child, we can try to co-parent. We can try to make this work for them.”

Rafael nodded, tears glistening in his eyes. “I’ll do whatever it takes. I promise.”

You stood up, feeling a strange sense of relief mixed with sadness. “We’ll see. But for now, I need some space. I need to figure out how to move forward from this.”

He rose as well, looking at you with a mixture of regret and hope. “I understand. Take all the time you need.”

You turned and walked away, leaving Rafael standing there in the café. As you stepped outside, the cool air hit your face, and you took a deep breath, feeling the weight of the past few weeks slowly lifting off your shoulders. It wasn’t going to be easy, but you knew you had the strength to face whatever came next.

#rafael barba x reader #law and order svu #sonny carisi x reader #pregnant reader #raul esparza #dominick sonny carisi #rafael barba

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