#Benedict Queuecumberbatch

[mindful-of-ideas]

TW: suicide (not explicit/graphic but lots of talks about it)

A/N: We’ll just pretend like Neil didn’t actually die, it was a failed suicide attempt. I won’t go into details, so imagine whatever you want.

This was probably the worst Christmas ever. Not because your brother, Neil, was still in the hospital. Not because your parents were arguing all the time. Because you were alone. And being alone sucks. So yes, this was the worst Christmas.

After learning about Neil’s attempt. Your mom begged you to come back home early, while your dad couldn’t care less, as long as your grades didn’t suffer from it. You were generally appreciated by your teachers and managed to get out of school a week earlier. Anyway, you did agree with your mom, you had to come back home, not for them but for Neil.

He and you had always been close growing up. You weren’t the best at making friends and often you would just hang out with him. Never did he make you feel like you weren’t welcome. As you grew up, your bond only got stronger. You could talk about anything with him, share even your deepest and darkest thoughts, and he could do the same. Hence, you knew he wasn’t doing all too well. But you also knew that he had just met someone, someone marvellous, who could change his life. Maybe naively, you thought that this boy was enough to keep the darkness at bay, but you were wrong.

No matter how much your dad was blaming himself. No matter how much your mom was blaming herself. No matter how much Todd was blaming himself. No matter how much Neil’s friends were blaming themselves.

You were the one to blame.

“We are not having Christmas dinner tomorrow night!” you heard your dad scream from downstairs.

“Yes, we are! Neil is getting out tomorrow,” said your mom.

“Christmas dinner is on the 24th, after mass. That’s how it’s always been and how it will always be. That’s it!”

“Well, I’m not cooking anything!”

“Yes, you will be!”

This didn’t sound good at all. You wanted to get out of the house before something else happened. You tiptoe out of your room and quietly made your way downstairs. Your mom said something you couldn’t quite hear.

“Women!” said your dad in retaliation.

You froze. You didn’t want to, because you had to get out. But it was like this massive weight had suddenly dropped on your chest and you couldn’t do anything. Breathing was becoming more and more difficult. You tried your hardest to calm down, but you couldn’t focus your eyes on anything. Everything was blurry.

“Sweetie, are you going on your Christmas walk?” your mom suddenly asked.

That snapped you out of it.

“Y-yes… I won’t be too long.”

And quickly you put on your coat and boots and headed out.

Your Christmas walk was actually Neil and your Christmas walk. Usually, on Christmas Eve, you would go on a walk, just the two of you, catching up on the months you spent apart. You would walk for as long as you needed, sometimes not even talking, just enjoying each other’s presence and the quietness of the winter day.

And so you walked alone for a while, not really knowing where to go.

“Y/N!” someone called out.

You turned just in time to see Charlie almost fall head first in the snow trying to put on his coat and boots at the same time. Charlie while Neil’s best friend. Well, even more than that, he was his childhood best friend. You knew him too, of course, you were even close to him once upon a time. But high school and Welton got in the way, and you barely saw each other anymore.

“Y/N, wait up!”

“Hi, Charlie.”

“Hey,” he said, finally reaching you, “would you…”

He dropped down and started tying his boots.

“Yeah, I’ll wait.”

After a minute, he got up again.

“Hi,” he said, smiling.

“Hi.”

“How are things, is Neil back home?”

“Um… things are… okay… Neil is only coming back tomorrow though, I thought you knew.”

“No, I tried to call to ask, but your dad hung up on me.”

“That’s not fair!”

“It’s okay…”

“It’s absolutely not okay! You deserve to know! My dad’s a jerk anyway.”

“Why are you… did something happen?”

He sounded more worried than you would’ve thought. Charlie was, well, Charlie. You couldn’t go telling him how much you hated your dad and how much life at home had been hell since Neil’s attempt. So you didn’t say anything.

The both of you kept on walking for a while, aimlessly, in silence.

“So were you like waiting for me to walk down the street,” you finally asked, breaking the silence.

“No, well, Neil once told me about your Christmas walks and I thought maybe I could catch you, see how things were, but I wasn’t like camping out at the window or anything, that would be totally weird… I wasn’t being weird…”

“What did Neil tell you?” you asked, completely avoiding his awkwardness.

“Just that you would go on walks on Christmas Eve.”

You fell silent again. You walked down a couple more streets.

“How was school?” he asked.

“Okay, probably not as fun as your semester. Professor Keating, right?”

“Yeah, he was cool…”

Silence again. A few more streets.

“Having a nice Christmas,” you asked.

“As good as it can get with…”

Silence. More walking.

You weren’t really keeping track of where you were walking, and suddenly you were at the edge of a forest. When you were a kid, you used to go out there and play for hours, pretending to do magic and talking to forest spirits. That was until your dad learned about it and firmly made you understand you weren’t allowed there ever again. He was right, for once, because the forest had absolutely no path. Even on a sunny day, you could easily get lost and on days like this Christmas eve, you could easily die if you didn’t make it back out.

You weren’t thinking anymore, only walking.

“Y/N?” said Charlie, grabbing your wrist.

You wriggle free of his grip and kept walking.

“Y/N!” he said, grabbing your wrist again, this time pulling you to him.

You didn’t even react and almost crashed into him. You were so close, you had to look up to meet his eyes.

“Y/N, what was that? You were like a ghost! You could die of like hypothermia if you headed out there! That’s not like you to act like that!”

“Maybe it is…”

“You… Y/N…” he said softly, “I need you, you can’t… you can’t do that!”

He pulled you closer to him, one hand wrapping around your waist, the other pushing your head down on his shoulder. And you cried. And cried and cried and cried. You cried until there wasn’t any force left in you for you to cry even more. Then slowly you pulled away from him. You looked up, only to see that his eyes were red. He gently placed a hand and your cheek, wiping a single tear before it froze.

“I know I’m being selfish by saying that I need you, but it’s the truth. I won’t shy away from it. But you got to find your own reasons to stay, you can’t just do it for me. But I’ll help you if you want me to.”

You smiled at him. A genuine smile, that was probably the first since you heard about Neil.

“Thank you,” you whispered.

“Now come on,” he said, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and leading you away from the forest, ”I hope you like turkey, cause my mom made way too much! And we’ll call your parents to invite them once we’re home.”

“Did your mom make her apple pie?”

“You bet she did, why?”

“We should save some for Neil.”

“Then we will!”

[mindful-of-ideas]

A/N: I accidentally learned that Aziraphale’s bookshop is really not a normal one, but for the sake of this, we’ll pretend like it’s your usual independent bookshop. Also, this is for everyone who doesn’t have English as their first language (mine is French).

“Wow,” you said quietly upon entering.

“Glad to see my bookshop still gives you this reaction,” said Aziraphale making you jump.

“Hi!” you said.

Truth be told, it was the coolness of the bookshop that left you impressed. London was suffering from yet another heat wave. But Aziraphale didn’t have to know that.

“Hi,” he answered, “how come you’re here and not at work? It is the middle of the week, isn’t it?”

“It is, but I wanted to take a few days off. Knowing it was going to be this hot outside I would’ve waited. I hate having to lock myself inside with the AC while the sun is out!”

“Is it really that hot, I don’t really feel it?”

“The sweat vaporize out of your skin when you’re outside. But it’s really nice in here, you’re right.”

You smiled at him and he smiled back.

“I’m so sorry,” he suddenly said, “I should stop talking and let you look around. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Don’t be sorry, and I actually do need something… I need recommendations. What do you have for me?”

“What are you looking for?”

“Ummm… I only have a few days off, so something that I can read quickly.”

“Right…”

“And nothing too demanding or dark. I want to relax during my break, not get tormented.”

“Alright, well there is this author,” he said pulling out a blue book, “Emily Henry. The youth seems to be really into it but I haven’t gotten around to reading one of her books yet.”

“My sister read that actually, it’s too… 'romancy' for me…”

“That’s okay,” he said while walking over to another bookshelf, “How about this one, Ocean Rush. It’s a manga and I know you like those!”

“What is it about?” you asked taking the book from him and flipping through the pages.

“We follow Umiko, a 65 years old woman who recently lost her husband, as she is pushed to follow her dream in cinematography after inadvertently bumping into a student.”

“That sounds nice… what else you’ve got? I can get more than one actually.”

“Well… it’s a different genre and maybe you already read it, but…” he said once again leaving you to go to another bookshelf, “we have this.”

You quickly made your way over to him. Above him, you could read ‘biography’ written in white cursive.

“Page Boy, it’s Elliot Page’s biography. You like that actor, right?”

“I do, I do,” you said.

“And it’s really not that long,” he said turning the book to show you its thickness before handing it to you.

You barely had time to take the book before he left again. This time he was heading for the back of the store. You knew that whatever he was going to propose next was going to be good, as all your favourite sections were down there.

“Now,” he said as you caught up to him, “I know you said you wanted something you could read quickly, but this is just right up your sleeve,” he said handing you one of the thickest books you’ve ever seen.

“How many pages is that?” you ask.

“A little over 700, but that’s not important,” he said before quickly moving on, “It is a fantasy novel, Ordinary Monsters, that takes place during the Victorian era. It will take you all over the world, the United States, England and even Japan, while the main characters are off to find and save orphans who have some strange powers. It is similar to Miss Peregrine but with something a little more dark and twisted.”

“Alright!” you said excitedly taking the book.

“Next…” he said getting up on a ladder to grab a tall black book, “… we have a graphic novel, The Sandman!”

“Never heard of that one…”

“Oh, it’s fantastic! The author just gets it!”

“Gets what…”

“You just HAVE to read it! It’s fantasy and horror but also adventure and dark! But there’s this sensibility to it. The drawings are also wonderful!”

“Alright, alright, put it on top of the pile,” you said.

He did so eagerly before turning back towards the shelves.

“And finally, I have this one,” he said standing on his tippy toes to grab a book.

This time, above his head, you could read ‘children’.

“It’s a children’s book, I know, well more like a teenager’s book, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it,” he said without missing a beat, “Maybe it will compensate for that brick I gave you earlier. It’s called Lonely Castle in the Mirror. Again, fantasy and magic but it’s from a Japanese author, so you get a completely different perspective. I’ve heard it’s also a great intro to Japanese literature though I started by reading Murakami myself.”

“These are all great,” you said now struggling to balance all the books, “Thank you! I do wish you had some stuff in French…”

“How come,” he asked taking half your pile away and setting it down on a table, “you can read in English just fine, can’t you.”

He went behind the counter and pulled two chairs for you to sit on.

“Yeah, of course, it’s just that sometimes French is just easier… the references, the way the sentences flow… it feels more natural to me… I’m sorry, I’m probably not making any sense right now.”

“No, no, please continue. Let me just check something,” he said getting up, “keep going!”

“Especially with more contemporary stuff… There's something about it, when you read it, you just feel a little bit closer to home. Like, somehow, the author managed to capture a glimpse of your soul and put it into words. Everything you read is familiar and new at the same time.”

“Well, see,” he said coming back and showing you his records, “I did get a shipment from Canada a few days ago. It should be in the back. Want to check if there are some French books in there?”

“Sure!” you said eagerly before following him to the back.

The box was small but it turned out to be filled with pocket books making it a decent amount. You rummaged through it carefully. Most of the books were in English, which was to be expected, but you managed to find a few in French. You had read three of them, but not the fourth one.

“This one might just do,” you said turning to face Aziraphale, “I know the author but I never read this one.”

“What is it like?” asked Aziraphale.

You thought that was a weird question yet somehow you had the perfect answer.

“It feels like going on a road trip. It's slow but not too slow, you get to enjoy the view and the ride while still knowing it will ultimately come to an end.”

“That’s… very poetic,” he said, “Who’s the author, I should write it down.”

“Jacques Poulin,” you said putting the book on top of your already big pile, “Now, I just need to choose which one I’ll get.”

You took a few minutes to flip through the books again before deciding on two, Lonely Castle in the Mirror and Ocean Rush, to buy along with the one by Poulin, La tournée d'automne.

“I’ll take those, though I will come back to get the others. The graphic novel in particular seems really good!”

“These are great choices!” he said as you paid, “let me just bag them for you.”

“Oh, there’s no need, really.”

“It’s my pleasure, and I got these free tote bags to give away anyway.”

“Thank you,” you said taking the bag from his hands.

“You're very welcome! I hope to see you around soon and I’m expecting you to give me your review on all of those.”

“Will do for sure,” you said getting out.

You made your way home quickly, partially because it was still very hot outside, but mostly because we were really eager to start reading. Once you got home, you threw your bag on the couch before going for a quick shower and putting on a comfier outfit.

“Alright,” you said to yourself as you made your way to your bag, “which one of you will I read first?”

But as you took out the books, you noticed Aziraphale had slipped an extra one in there.

“Well, I guess I’m starting with The Sandman then!”

[mindful-of-ideas]

You realized about halfway there how dumb your idea had been. What kind of shop is open on the evening of Christmas Eve. Then again, Aziraphale’s bookshop is t like any other shop. So you might still have a chance to find it open.

Yesterday, a massive snowstorm hit London. You were planning to leave that very day to go celebrate Christmas with your family but the roads were impracticable. There was no way you were making it out of your flat. Actually, it did take a lot for you to be able to get out of your flat. It was Christmas time. Everyone was already home and ready to celebrate, so no one in your building had bothered to shovel the snow properly. Out of kindness, and mostly boredom, you had spent all morning doing just that. Still bored after that, you had decided to make Christmas cards for your friends and family, but it didn’t take long for you to realize you were going to be able to give them in time. All except two of course and that’s why you were making your way to a probably-closed-for-Christmas bookshop.

If the storm had died down in the afternoon, it was now back stronger than ever. You could barely see two feet in front of you and you couldn’t even tell if you were making progress as the wind was so strong. The snowflakes were stinging your face and the cold was becoming unbearable, freezing your tears as they fell. You were ready to give up, but suddenly you saw it, the dark red building that housed the bookshop. You quickly reached for the door. Luckily, it was unlocked and you made your way inside.

Shivering you dusted the snow from your coat and took off your hat. Even if this situation sucked, you were ready to make the most out of your evening.

“Hi, welcome to… oh Y/N! What are you doing here?” Aziraphale said.

“Looking for a book...” you lied.

You’ve been a loyal client of Aziraphale for months now. At first, it was just visits for when you were looking for a specific book, but quickly it became a weekly thing. Every time you needed some time off from the world, you would just step into this small corner of heaven and disappear for a few hours. You grew accustomed to the way this shop worked and you could tell that Aziraphale had taken a liking to you. When he learned that you were at university, he even created a small space at the back of the store where you could work in peace if you wanted. Well, he would often come to bother you, talking about books he newly acquired, but that really wasn’t bothering at all. He was the closest thing you had to a friend since you moved to London.

Still, you couldn’t tell him the truth. If he knew you were spending Christmas alone, he would probably feel bad for you. He would maybe even be sad. And you didn’t need pity. If knowing you were alone would break him, knowing you made him sad on Christmas day would break you. And anyway, you were trying to stay positive. This could still be a nice Christmas Eve.

“I meant, here, in London, today”, said Aziraphale, “Aren’t you supposed to be home.”

You vaguely gestured at the outside.

“Something about roads being unsafe and stuff,” you said, holding back tears.

He noticed the change in your voice but didn’t mention it.

“So a book. Right! What kind of book?”

“A Christmas book?”

“A Christmas book you say… I can work with that.”

You had given him worse prompts in the past, you were certain he would find something.

He started walking around the shop as he was thinking, so you followed him.

“So, how come you’re open this late on Christmas Eve,” you asked.

“For people like you.”

“Frankly, I think I’m an exception.”

“Oh no dear, many people are alone on Christmas.”

The smile faded from your face.

“So, you know,” he went on, “it’s nice to know books can be a safe place for people on days like these. What about A Christmas Carol by Dickens?”

“Already read that.”

“I figured, Letters from Father Christmas by Tolkien?”

“Not a big fan, maybe something lighter?”

“Lighter you say…”

And he was off again.

“Hercule Poirot’s Christmas!”

“I don’t know if I feel like reading a mystery… something where I can truly just switch my brain off.”

“How the Grinch Stole Christmas?”

“Okay, you’re very close, but just not this one.”

You felt bad for making him work so hard on Christmas Eve, but you knew he just wouldn’t let you leave without the right book anyway.

“You know, I think I know exactly what you’re looking for. Let me just go check in the back. I won’t be a minute.”

And just like that, he disappeared to go look for the book. You took off your coat and walked back to the front door to hang it on one of the hangers. At the same time, the door opened.

“Angel, I’m here!” Crowley screamed, “Oh, hey Y/N. What are you doing here?”

Crowley scared the shit out of you. Who wouldn’t be scared of him? So you always did your best and tried to stay polite with him. Sometimes, he could be really cold towards you, but on days like today, he would open up a bit more. You wouldn’t admit it, but you were a bit in awe f him. His style, his taste in music, and just his general demeanour just had this thing that you found cool yet sophisticated.

“Hi Mr. Crowley, I’m looking for a book… I guess”

“I meant, here on… never mind, where is he?”

“At the back.”

“See, I’m sure I had the book at the back, I just need a few more minutes to find it,” Aziraphale said, scaring the both of you.

“Angel, why is your store open on Christmas Eve, we’re supposed to have dinner,” said Crowley.

“And we will, right after I find the book for Y/N, it won’t take long. Actually, I could use the help,” he said, gesturing for Crowley to follow him. “But if you don’t mind Y/N, could you just lock up the door.”

He gave you his keys. You had helped him close the store a few times, so locking the door wasn’t anything new to you.

“Sure!”

“Thanks!”

As they both left to go to the back store again, you reached into your bag to get the Christmas cards out. Surely, it wouldn’t take long for them to find the book and you will be on your way.

...

“Would you mind if I asked Y/N to stay for dinner?” asked Aziraphale to Crowley.

“I mean, it’s your Christmas dinner, you do what you want.”

“But it’s our thing...”

“It’s fine angel.”

Crowley looked down at what Aziraphale was doing.

“Why are you wrapping up Auggie… Wren’s… Christmas Story?”

“For them, it’s a present.”

“How do you know they haven’t read it already.

“I know, trust me.”

“Umm…”

“What?”, he asked, placing a bow on the present.

“You really like them, huh?”

“Yes, I guess so.”

...

You were lost in your thoughts when they came back, Aziraphale with his hands behind his back.

“Here,” you said, handing them the cards, “That’s the real reason why I came, but I guess I wanted to stay for a little longer. Sorry, I lied to you.”

“You mean you don’t want the book,” Aziraphale said worriedly.

“No, no! I still very much want the book. I’m just saying... I also wanted to just spend time with a familiar face on Christmas Eve, to see a friend before going back to my empty flat.”

“A friend...”, said Aziraphale.

“Yeah,” you answered, smiling at him.

“Oh get on with it!” said Crowley.

“Right, here,” said Aziraphale, taking the cards from you and handing you a present.

He gave his card to Crowley and then looked back at you.

“What’s that for?” you asked him.

“For you, it’s Christmas Y/N.”

“I mean, I know, but Az...”

“Don’t say anything, please, just take it. And Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“You know, you could stay here for dinner if you want to. I, we, wouldn’t mind.”

“I... I can’t I wouldn’t want to impose and I...

Crowley flicked you on the forehead

“You got something else to do? Yeah, don’t think so. There are two people, friends offering to spend Christmas with you, right here, right now.”

“But-”

“No, but, just say yes.”

“I... yeah, I’d love to spend Christmas dinner with you.”

“Excellent!” said Aziraphale.

He gently wrapped his arm around your shoulder and lead you towards the stairs to get to his flat. You didn’t even have time to thank him, that he was already explaining the menu he had prepared for the night. By the looks of it, there was still plenty to do and he could use the help. He let you go up the stairs first, waiting for Crowley to catch up.

“Did you say friends,” the angel asked the demon, “as in plural?”

“So what if I did?” Crowley said.

“Happy Christmas, Crowley.

“Happy Christmas, Angel.

And with that, Crowley joined you at the top of the stairs, as Aziraphale closed the lights of the shop.

[mindful-of-ideas]

You didn’t know who to turn to. Your mother was all you had left in this rotten town. Yes, you had friends, but did they really cared about you? Weren’t they just using you as a tool, as a leverage in a town where surviving is barely possible? You were kneeling down by your mother’s grave, swearing to get revenge, to kill the bastards who did this to her. But what will happen after? What would happen when nothing was pushing you forward. You put your head in your hands, sobbing softly. That’s when you heard footsteps coming to your left.

“-I’m so sorry to bother you, a charming voice said, but are you okay?”

You did not recognize the voice and started to wonder if, maybe, he was trying to mock you.

“I get it, the voiced continue, you need time.”

You thought that, surely, after saying that he would’ve left, but no, he was still standing there, straight as possible. Crying was now completely out of your mind. The man was so strange. Standing there, leaning a bit on his left leg, all dress up with an umbrella in his right hand. You stand up and turned to face him. You didn’t know why, but his presence by your side was troubling. It was like someone added something to a wonderful painting, somehow making it worse, but warmer at the same time. It was like the man was troubling your grieving, but somehow that made everything else feel better. Will you be nice or mean to him?

“-I’m sorry, you said shyly, but who are you?

-You talk then, I’m Oswald.

-There’s really no need to be rude, you said, what are you even doing here, standing by my side saying nothing. Do you often do that, wander in cemetery looking to bother desperate souls?”

He walked towards you and ou notice his penguin like gait.

“-Now you’re the one being rude, he said smiling, I’m a free man, I do what I want to do.

-Then maybe don’t step on my mother’s grave, you said, your eyes filling with tears. I thought the fresh dirt would give it away, but I guess you’re too stupid to even notice it!

-Your… mo… mother’s…”

He took a step back, tears now filling up his eyes. 

“-I am so sorry… he started.

-You said that already, now unless you have a way to kill four fucking robbers then please leave me alone, you said angrily.”

Tears were now rolling down your cheeks and you turned your back to Oswald. He put a hand on your shoulder.

“-Don’t say anything, let me finish what I have to say. That was a nice little trick, asking me who I was, when you’re one of the best shooter in Gotham. You know perfectly well who I am, and I know who you are Y/N. Truth be told, I came to find you with a job offer. I wanted you to work for me.

-Wanted? you asked in a whisper.

-Let me finish, please.”

His voice wasn’t mean and rude like it was just a few minutes ago, or like it is to anyone who dares talk like you just did to Penguin. You didn’t want to turn around and face him, so you bowed your head down and looked at your shoes

“-I, too, lost my mother, and I know how you feel right now. Your heart will need time to heal and you will need a shoulder to cry on. That’s what I’m offering you instead of a job, my shoulder.”

Your turned to face him, astonished by what he just said.

“-I don’t even know you! you said. Why would I want you to be like… like my friend?

-You do know me Y/N, more than you think. Remember high school?

-What about it… wait!”

You looked at him, first from head to toes and then focusing on his eyes. Those bright green eyes. You used to have a friend, a really close friend with those same bright eyes.

“-You can’t be, you said confused, you’re not the same Oswald, you’re not MY Oswald. 

-Yes I am, and I promise I’ll do better this time. I won’t leave you anymore. I’ll take care of you.”

[mindful-of-ideas]

“-Oh this is great!

-What, you asked the Doctor, I’ve been to Boston before it’s not that interesting.

-You’re wrong, wrong, very wrong... he muttered, The thing with Boston is that it ‘was’ very interesting.

-Then what are we doing here right ‘now’? you asked

-Yeah, you’re right this is boring, boring!”

He turned around and start walking rapidly.

“-Hey, wait for me where are we going? you asked

-Not where, but when... have you ever wished of making the biggest cup of tea in the world?

-Um no, but don’t tell me...

-Oh yes, we’re gonna be part of the Boston Tea Party!”

[mindful-of-ideas]

He served you a cup of tea a sat on the couch by your side.

“-I told you, he said, going out in the rain made you sick.

-Yeah, but it was worth it, you said coughing, I had fun!”

You shivered.

“-Hey are you alright, he asked as he move closer to you.

-Yeah, I’m just a bit cold.

-You have a sweater and you kept your coat, you probably have fever. I told you...

-Yeah you said that already, it’s fine, I’ll feel better tomorrow. 

-You’re staying here tonight.

-No, I can take care of myself!

-Clearly not!

-Oh come on Spencer, you said”

But before you could finish, you started coughing. You couldn’t stop and soon, you started shaking.  You we’re so cold, but you’re face felt like it was burning.  You had the worst headache, but mostly you couldn’t stop coughing.

“-That’s it, he said.”

He got up, put your legs on the couch, took a few pillow and put them under your head.  Slowly, you were able to catch your breath.

“-If it doesn’t bother you, you said whispering, can I stay here tonight?

-I’ll go get some medicine, he said, rolling his eyes.”

[mindful-of-ideas]

“-Welcome to Kingsman Mordred, Eggsy said shaking your hand.

-Why so serious all of a sudden that is so not you! you said laughing at him.”

Merlin cleared his throat.

“-Yeah, right... other people... are... here... yeah, sorry, you said looking at your shoes.

-It’s alright, Eggsy could you please take it from here.

-Sure!”

He talked to you about all the formalities, you know the boring stuff, but the more he was saying the more stressed you became. Suddenly everything you forgot during the past few weeks came back. The friends you left, the house you left the family... 

“-Hey, Eggsy said nudging you, are you okay, you seem preoccupied.

-Yeah, yeah I was just thinking... about stuff you know.

-Yeah, no not really, but if it helps I have good news for you. Even if some Kingsman decided to stay here at the Manor, you can choose to live wherever you want. That’s not all, now that you’re officially Kingsman, you can finally leave this place and go see your family and friends! Isn’t that great?”

He was clearly trying to make you smile and it did not work.

“It’s okay, Eggsy, if you don’t mind I’d like to stay here and get some rest, unless you have something else to add.

-Okay, but are you sure you don’t want to go say why to your dad?

-No, not really, maybe... no I won’t.

-Maybe what?

-Nothing, Eggsy, you said roughly.

-Alright, alright keep calm I’m just trying to make you feel better.

-Well your not, at all, so stop!”

You knew exactly why you were rude to him, and you really wish you could make that feeling go away. Thinking about seeing your father again made you sick and scared, and that, that last one was the cause of everything. Being scared, that was so stupid. After all you’ve been through, being scare of your own father made you feel like a complete idiot.

“-I’m so weak, you whispered to yourself.

-What was that? Eggsy asked.

-I’M WEAK EGGSY, I’M WEAK, you screamed crying.

-Hey, hey, hey, breath, relax, there’s no need to scream.”

He pulled you in a tight hug while you calmed down a bit. Once you stopped crying, he made you sit down.

“-Now tell me what’s the matter?

-I can’t go back to my father...

-You don’t have to, you know.

-...cause he used to beat me...

-What?

-...and now I’m scared of him...

-He used to what?

-...even if I know I could kill him.

-What? Y/N you should have told, I could have...

-No don’t say that there’s nothing you could’ve done!

-I could’ve spend more time with you, make sure you were happy. I could’ve create so many good memories with you that you would’ve forgot about him. I could’ve tell you that you don’t need him anymore...”

You smiled faintly. Nothing he just said couldn’t have made you forget your father, but knowing he was there for you, it changes everything. It was just so sweet of him, and tears were starting to roll down your face.

“-...Kingsman is your family now, we’re gonna take care of you.”

You turned to face him.

“-Thanks, you whispered to him.

-And if you won’t do it, I’ll go kill the motherfucker!

-I don’t think it’ll be necessary... for now, you said laughing a bit.

-How about we get you your suit now, he said grabbing your hand.

-Sounds great, you said following him out of the Manor.”