#BecausePurple

[becuzpurple]

Chapter 25, pt. 4 - Promise

Hello!  I know it’s been forever since I’ve posted anything new here.  I promise I’ve been working on things whenever I could, but finding time and motivation has been challenging.

I’m posting a little piece here that continues from where Ed & Kate last left off.  Here is a link to that last piece, in case you need to jog your memory a bit (click here).

I’m really curious to know what you think of where their story seems to be heading.  Personally, I think what they’re planning is a terrible idea...yet i WANT it to happen!  Lol.  Tell me your thoughts!

You know that feedback is everything - please click ‘like’, reblog, and send me comments or questions.  It’s really reassuring to see that my work is at the very least being read, and hopefully some people out there like it, too.

So, without further ado...

Chapter 25, pt. 4 - Promise

“Mmm, so good.”  He had both elbows on the table, resting his chin on his closed fists.  He looked sleepy and satisfied.

“Thanks.”

We were sat at the recently cleared kitchen table, ignoring the pile of dirty dishes in the sink.  Nate and Lucy had been excused from their nightly dishwashing duty because they both had to finish their Science Fair projects due the next day, leaving Ed and me alone in the kitchen.  The aroma of chili con carne still lingered. 

“I never had chili with meat growing up - we were a veggie house.”

“What was that like?”

“It was fine,” he shrugged.  “I didn’t know any different until I was...like, 10.  My first taste of bacon made me a carnivore on the spot.”

“I don’t know if I could go veggie.”

“Ya love meat too much.” 

“You know it.”  I nodded my head, completely failing to keep a deadpan expression.   

He grinned unapologetically.  “Hey, sweet girl.”

Since our blow-up and Big Talk the previous week we’d been a little extra-attentive toward each other - a  bit gentler and more accommodating than usual.  Something had certainly shifted since for us.  It was a good thing - exciting and wonderful, but it was also big and new, and with that came some uncertainty.  So, we spent a lot of time together, quietly strengthening anything that might still have needed a little bit of healing.

“So…” He was a little antsy - his knee bouncing under the table.  “I’ve been thinking.”

“What is it, hon?”

 “You...you’re taking birth control now, yeah?”

“What?”  I glanced out into the hallway where I could just barely see the bottom of the stairs leading up to the kids’ rooms.

His eyes briefly followed mine before he quietly went on.  “You take the pill, right?”

“...yeah?”  I stared at him as he grinned at my puzzled expression.  

“I’ve been thinking...that maybe you should stop.” 

Uhhh…? 

He grinned at my wide-eyed reaction, but he was still rapid-bouncing his knee under the table, so he was maybe a little nervous, too.

“Because...?”

“Well, you know, to start...makin’ babies…?” 

 When I finally picked my jaw up off the floor and found my voice, all I could think of to say was, “...now?”

“Well, not this moment-now, but, I mean…” he shrugged, smirking, still bouncing that knee.

I gave him an eye roll and a nervous grin of my own.  “Jesus, Ed.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said the other night - how you’ve had some trouble...with this, and I wonder if it makes sense to not wait.  Or, at least to not purposely prevent it.”

He’s been thinking about this…  

“You’re serious.”

He nodded, seeming sure of his words, if not of my reception of them.  But then, he’d apparently been thinking it over for nearly a week.   

“Um, wow, I...so many things going through my head right now.” 

He didn’t say anything, but just focusing on his beautiful, tranquil blues calmed me.

“You’re sure?”

He nodded, no hesitation.

“We’re not...married…?”

He nodded again.  “I don’t know what you’ll think of this - it’s just an idea, but…I reckon we don’t need to rush that.  We could...keep on as we are for now, but stop trying to prevent...anything.”  He exhaled loudly before rushing on.  “And I know that’s like, huge, and that’s why I thought maybe we just focus on...one life-changing event at a time.  Shit, I’m really going on.  Am I making any sense?”

“So, you don’t want to get married?  Or…?”  Why am I fixating on the ‘married’ part of this?  Focus on the ‘baby’ part.  Holy shit...

“No, no, that’s not what I’m saying.  I...auggh.”  He nervously ran a hand through his hair.  “Sorry, I’m doing a shit job of this.”  He took a breath and shook his head self-deprecatingly.

“First of all, when I said all that before...about wanting to be a family...complete shit of me to do it like that, during an argument.  It...it wasn’t a lie - I meant it, but it was a dick move, and I’m sorry.”  

“Wait, no, it’s...it’s OK.  You were reacting to me - I was being ridiculous.  You were being honest and were focusing on us staying together.”

He took a measured breath as he studied my face.  I’m not sure what he was looking for, but he seemed to be satisfied with what he saw, because he relaxed, then.  “OK, but my apology stands.” He covered my hand with his and gave a little squeeze.  “And second, just to be crystal clear…”  His words became quieter.  “I absolutely want to marry you one day.”

 Over that last week I’d definitely replayed everything that had been said during our fight and subsequent heart-to-heart - more than a few times, including the part about him wanting us to be a family.  It had seemed too soon to bring that up again, though, and I definitely didn’t expect to be making any decisions about it so soon.  Yet, there we were talking about babies and marriage.  

And, god help me, but I wanted all of it.

He watched me as I stood and covered the few steps to him at the other side of the table and pulled him up out of his chair.  “Come ‘ere.”

He stood, and I couldn’t help grinning as I nodded and finally answered him with a soft “Yeah.”

“To...umm, to which part?”

His ears and cheeks were slightly pinker than usual and his eyes sparkled bright and his whole body seemed like it was about to burst from nervous tension.  I stepped close, our bodies coming together as we wrapped our arms around each other - instinctively seeking and providing comfort and assurance.

“All of it.”

“Holy shit?”  

Still nodding, I brought my hands behind his head, carding through the ginger curls, directing his lips down to mine. In between kisses and grins he murmured, “This went much better than the last time I brought it up.”  

I kissed him once more before answering.  “Well, I’m not having a panic attack this time.  And also your delivery…I mean, it’s improved a little bit since last week.” I bit my lip, suppressing a giggle.

“Fair enough, but practice makes perfect, yeah?  Next time I’ll have it down.”  

“Next ti - ? ...Oh.”   

He kissed me again, a bit more purposefully, and then murmured, “It’ll happen, and properly.” 

“You know I’m holding you to that.”

“Promise, sweet girl.”

Our lips met again, giving physical credence to everything just spoken.  Our bodies were melded together, mouths opening, inviting more intimate contact.

“Ewwww, ohmygod!”  

We each took a hasty step away at the unexpected intrusion.  I may have stifled a nervous giggle as I tried to covertly wipe my mouth while attempting to still appear completely together.  Ed didn’t even try to hide his smirk.

“Heyyy Lu.  What...what’s up?”  My voice was unusually high-pitched.

My daughter was clearly horrified as she darted past us to the fridge, making sure the opened door blocked her line of sight to us.  Her voice came out muffled and terse.  “Nothing!”

Awkward silence filled the air as she rummaged.  I suspect she was debating whether it would be better to keep her head in there forever, or to make a quick exit.  Apparently deciding to get the heck out of Dodge, she grabbed a bottle of water and hastily retreated.  Glancing toward us on her way out, she paused when she saw that we hadn’t really budged from our spots, and arms still draped around each other.

“You’re just gonna...keep doing that?”  

“Probably, yeah,” Ed grinned.  I might have accidentally snort-laughed.  Whoops.

“Ohmygod...” Lucy groaned as she hightailed it back to her room.  We stared after her for a few seconds before returning our gazes to each other, giggles finally spilling over.

“Welp.  I guess she knows we kiss, now.”  Ed’s voice squeaked with laughter as we came together again, just as Lucy suspected we would.

-----

All right folks, there ya have it.  What do ya think?  Terrible idea?  Yay, love?  A little of both?  Please show some love with likes, reblogs, questions and comments, because feedback is everything!

[jerikandra]

Sleeves me tender! #wip #batgirl #patterntesting #cosplay #diy #costume #dccomics #burnside #purple #becausepurple http://ift.tt/2sIg6VX

[kellydiem]

Zero days without incident. Looks like Kro needs new friends... hah, must be Tuesday! 🔥🔥🔥 #becausepurple #todaysucks #emokid #sadaf #fakefriends #gossipqueens #itsgettingtome #literallycanteven #somad

[awesomeishbella]

So my Jeffree star purple lipgloss came in. I love it and i will one day own most of the colours. 

[becuzpurple]

Chapter 25, pt. 3 - My Everything

Turns out that even though Tumblr ate my queued draft, it still posted at the right time - yay!

Also...trigger warning for brief mention of multiple pregnancy losses.

I hope you all enjoy!

(previously... ch. 25, pt. 2 - Bailey’s & Ice Cream)

It was nearly 11pm when I heard his soft knock at the front door.  I took a breath to steady my nerves, then hurried over to let him in.  Once the door was open and I saw him nothing else mattered, and we were at once in each other’s arms.

“I’m so sorry, Ed, I- .”

“ -shhhh.  It’s ok.”

“No, I was awful...the things I said, and then I just left...?”

“It’s OK, you were upset and needed some time.”

I shook my head.  How could he be so kind after what I did?

We stepped apart but I didn’t let his hand go, needing his touch as reassurance. He somehow knew and gave a squeeze as we moved into the living room.

“The kids are at my parents’ for the night.”

“Ok.”

We sat on the sofa, turned toward each other.  He had a leg tucked under the other, as he often does.  I kept a toss pillow on my lap, on which our hands were still clasped.

“I’ve made a mess of everything. Ed, I’m so sorry.”

“No, no, I should’ve...I told you I’d be there for you when things get rough, but I didn’t do that, and I’m sorry.”  

“I blindsided you,” I shook my head.  “You have every right to be upset.”

“I didn’t come through for you, love.  I won’t let that happen again, I promise.”

How do I even deserve him?

“You’re really too good to me.”

“Nooo,” he murmured, squeezing my hand.  We shared a look before coming even closer together.  I needed to touch him, to feel him - a physical sign of reassurance, I suppose, and it appeared that he did, too.  I laid my head on his shoulder while he rested his free hand on my knee.  We sat together like that, tentative and hopeful, until Ed finally broke the ice.

“Hey,” he murmured, his voice soft and soothingly low.  “I…can I ask you something?”  We both were hesitant to disturb our fragile peace, but things needed to be said.  

I lifted my head and met his eyes, nodding.

“Do I...does being with me bring more stress to your life?  Because that’s the last thing I wan -”

“ - no!  You...you’ve brought happiness back to me.  I feel loved, and I’m in love, and it’s...it’s so good.  Ed, I’m really, really happy with you.”

He was quiet for a few seconds, studying me, so many questions evident in his eyes.  

“That’s good...I feel that way, too.  But, you’re so unhappy tonight, and I don’t understand why.”

“It’s...it’s all me.  I think, well, remember when I told you about...my anxiety?”

“Yeah.  I was wondering if that was it.”  

I nodded.  “It was...pretty bad today.  When it gets like this I tend to hyper-focus on...something until it’s huge in my mind - like, way out of proportion.  I don’t even realize it’s happening until it’s seriously out of control - like tonight. And then I panic and just...want to disappear, or want everything else to disappear, so that feeling will go away.  I think that’s why I was like that, like telling you you’d be better off with someone else, and when I just...left.  I was trying to make everything just go away.  God, I’m so sorry, Ed.”

I covered my face with my hands, completely appalled at myself.

“I’m trying to understand...? You wanted me to go away? Like, how?  Like breaking up?  Is that why you said I should be with someone else?”

“I - I don’t really want that, I swear.  I was panicking and saying anything to try and make that feeling - that fear - go away.  It was my stupid brain being a bitch and I didn’t mean any of it.  Please believe me.”

“I do, I believe you.  I know you, and I...whatever that was, I knew it couldn’t be right.  I promise I believe you.”

“OK,”  I nodded.  I felt like such a piece of shit.

But, love, what has you so upset?”

I took a breath while trying to sort out my thoughts.  Ed remained the picture of patience with me.

“You...you’ve become very important to me.  You’re my everything.”

He gave a hint of a smile, then, and very slightly nodded and squeezed my hand, still in his, showing me he knew exactly what I was feeling.

“I never thought I’d feel like this again.”

“But, you’re worrying about something.”

“I’m probably being irrational or paranoid or something, I don’t know.  But, since Jason died...I’m really, really freaked out about losing anyone else who’s important to me...including you, now.”

“You’re not going to lose me, Kate.”

“But how do you know?  Anything can happen, right?  We could break up, or what if something...bad happens to one of us?”

He held my face in his hands, fingers splayed out and thumbs tenderly brushing my cheeks.  “Sweetheart, you’ve been through something really horrible, and I can’t imagine how hard that must have been...and still is.  I get why you have this fear, now.  You’ve seen first-hand how tragedy is so...random.”

I nodded, glad he seemed to get it, but also pretty sure I was about to hear a counterargument.  

He affectionately combed his fingers back though my hair a few times, and then rested his forearms over my shoulders so that we were face-to-face, quite close.  “I don’t mean for this to come across as insensitive at all, but...we’re all gonna go someday.  And knowing that, wouldn’t you rather live your best life than hold back?”

“What do you mean?”

“OK.  Umm, do you ever regret marrying Jason?”

What?  “No.”

“Of course not.  The fact that he’s gone now doesn’t make you wish you’d never married him, right?  You had a good life together...a beautiful family.  And in the same vein, worrying about losing...me, or anyone you have a relationship with shouldn’t stop you from keeping that relationship.  That would lead to a lot of hurt and regret, I think.”

He was right, and I knew that, logically.  But a part of me was trying to protect myself from reliving the pain of the worst loss I’d ever experienced.  I didn’t think I could endure something like that again, and I was really scared that once he was aware of my pregnancy issues, then it was only a matter of time before I’d be headed that way again.

Still, he needed to know.

“You’re right, and I do know that, but part of me is...pretty terrified.”

He shook his head, obviously trying and failing to understand.  “Why?”

Taking his hands again, I mustered up the nerve to tell him.  “Earlier tonight you said that you want it all...with me - a family, and children, and - ”

“ - Yeah, I...I shouldn’t have dropped that on you like that, both of us being so upset.  I guess I was kinda panicking, too, though, and it just - ”

“ - it’s...no, I know - I know, it’s ok, I - I get it.  But you...did you mean it?”

He took a breath through his nose, not breaking eye contact with me, and gave my hands a squeeze.  “Yeah.”

I was so afraid he’d change his mind after hearing me out, yet my heart still swelled, because god knows, I wanted that, too.  He smiled at me then, albeit a bit nervously, and how could I not smile back?

“I...I know I did it completely the wrong fucking way, and it’s probably too soon, too,  but I - ”  

“ - Ed.  I’ve been thinking about those things, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.  And I worried that it’s too soon, too, so I didn’t say anything. But, I probably should have, because it might have saved me from my damn anxiety-brain.  But, no, instead, I just worried more, and then assumed things, and everything built up, and got worse, and...god, I feel so so stupid.”

“Kate.” He murmured, shaking his head.  “Nothing about you is stupid - please stop saying that.”

“OK,” I nodded.

“Good.  And this is good, though, yeah?  We both want the same thing?”

“Yeah, but…”

“No, no ‘buts’...”

I took a steadying breath.  “I’m sure my perspective is completely...fucked up, so I need you to tell me if it’s a real ‘but’ or not.”

He kind of half-heartedly huffed out a small, uncertain laugh.  “Alright.”

I didn’t know how to start, and shook my head in frustration.  “Sorry.  OK, umm, yeah.  So, you mentioned that one of the things you saw in our future was children...babies.  Our babies.”

“Umm, yea…?” His eyebrows shot up then.  I saw surprise, and then the question in his eyes.

“Ohhh, no.  No honey, I’m...I’m not pregnant.”  

“Ahhh, ok.”  He made a small, self-conscious laugh.  “When you said ‘babies’, and seemed kinda...nervous, I thought maybe…”

“I know, but...no.  I’m sorry, no.”  Damn.  Am I sorry for inadvertently misleading him or for not being pregnant?  Both?  Jesus...

“What I’m trying to say - and doing a terrible job of it - is that...well, that’s something that might not be very easy for me - having more babies.”

He was quiet, his face etched with uncertainty.

“I haven’t told you any of this yet, but, I have a history of fertility...problems.  We - Jason and I, we - you know, we wanted more kids.  It’s weird, because I didn’t really have any trouble getting pregnant with the twins, so we assumed it would be just as easy as it was then.”  I frowned, feeling that familiar heartache and frustration all over again.

“But, it wasn’t.”

“No. We tried on-and-off for...like, god, almost 6 years?  I...well, I actually did get pregnant a few times, but I miscarried them pretty early on.”

“How...how many times?”

“Three.”  

“Oh, god, love. I had no idea...I’m sorry.”

“Thanks...yeah.  I needed a lot of help getting pregnant, but then, even when I did…” I shook my head.  “We saw specialists, did all the testing…and they couldn’t find a reason for any of it.  ‘Unexplained infertility’, ‘unexplained pregnancy loss’.  I...well, so...I think you should know all of this before you make any big...life decisions.”

He brought his fingers to his mouth and started slowly shaking his head.  “No, wait,” he murmured.  “Are you...do you think I wouldn’t want to be with you because of this?  Is this what...oh god, is this why you said I’d be better off with someone else?”

“I know how you feel about having a family, Ed, and now we’re...starting to see this as being a very permanent kind of relationship.  What if I can’t have any more kids?  I’d hate to do that to you.”

“Whoa, wait, hold on.”  He shook his head adamantly.  “How...that’s not doing anything to - fuck, love, you think...like I’d blame you?”

“I don’t know...I guess I’d blame me.  I just know how important family is to you, and I wouldn’t ever want you to...miss out on that because of me?  Or...change your mind about us down the road because of it?”

“No...how could...I’d never do that!”

“But you want kids.”

“Yeah...but I...Jesus...” He rubbed a hand through his beard, visibly disturbed. “I’m not with you for the purpose of having children.  I - I love you and want us to spend our lives together, and that is not dependent upon whether we have babies or not.”

I started to reply - about to question him on how he’d feel if he never had any children, but he cut me off before I could begin.

“- wait.”  He fervently waved his hands in order to stop me.  “You’re only focusing on what you think I want.  But, this isn’t just up to me, right?  You - you get a pretty big say, considering that you’re half of us and it’s your uterus.”

Good points...

“For all I know, maybe you don’t want more kids.  Maybe you feel like you’ve already been there, done that.”

“No,” I shook my head.  “I don’t feel like that at all, I just don’t know if I ca-”

“- stop.  Let’s not focus on the ‘maybes’ right now, OK?  I want you - you’re the one.  But what do you want, Kate?”

I closed my mouth then, realizing that I’d started to fall right back into listening to that unhealthy anxiety-monologue, focusing on the negative, and not on what was actually right in front of me.

“I’m sorry, I - ”

He shook his head slightly, watching me with a small smile.  “Stop apologizing, you’re amazing.  But tell me what you want.”

What I want.  I knew, but I was still hesitant to say it without a qualifier - an excuse or a way out for him, just-in-case.  Which I knew was ridiculous, since he’d already basically said he wanted the same thing.  Finally, with a very nervous smile, I just said it.

“I want...you - I want us.  And, if possible, I’d love to add...to us”.

There were a few beats of silence as we stared at each other, and then he let out a barely-audible breath - he’d been holding it.  I’d been holding mine, too.

“Then we both want the same things.”  He practically whispered it, and then we shared an OMFG-grin for a few seconds.

“This is...wow?”

“Kinda crazy, yeah?”

“Do you think it’s...is it too soon for all of this?”

“It’s kinda how we do things though, innit?  Seems to work for us.”

“Yeah.”

Without warning I found myself wiping tears from my eyes.  

“No, don’t cry, sweet girl.”  He cupped my face in both hands again, gently brushing his thumbs across my wet cheeks.  “I love you.”  He pulled us together and kissed me so gently, almost reverently, on the mouth.  When it ended I could see that he was pretty emotional, too.

“I love you,” I whispered back, and returned his soft kiss with one of my own.

He exhaled again, much more loudly this time, looking elated, relieved, overwhelmed, and exhausted all at the same time.

“It’s late.  You probably have a lot to do before your flight tomorrow...er, today, I guess.”

“Oh!  No, I forgot to tell you - I canceled it.”

“Your flight?”

“Yeah.  After you left earlier I...well, I didn’t want to leave without fixing this.”

“Ohhh, hon, thank you.  And I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing - this is where I belong right now.”

“OK.”  I started fiddling with his hand in mine, sliding my fingers between his, lightly tracing each one with the tips of my own.  “When do you go back?”

“Dunno, I didn’t reschedule it, yet.  I figure we’ll work that out later.”

“But you have a lot going on at home, though…?”

“It’s fine, nothing was set in stone.”  He captured my roaming fingers in both of his hands, brought them to his lips and peppered them with the sweetest, softest kisses.

With my other hand I tenderly combed through the copper curls at the back of his neck, eventually guiding those beautiful lips back to mine and whispered, “Stay tonight.”

-------

likes, reblogs & feedback are LOVE!

There will be a pt 4.  :-)

[becuzpurple]

Chapter 25, pt. 2 - Bailey’s & Ice Cream

(chapter 25, part 1 - Fragile)

My heart was pounding wildly, and I felt short of breath and nauseous. I definitely couldn’t drive yet.  I took some deep, measured breaths until my breathing and heart rate regulated somewhat, but I was still sick to my stomach, and I couldn’t stop crying.  

I wanted to go home, but the house was empty, and I knew being alone in my state was probably a bad idea.  I needed a friend.  Jen was working a late shift, but I knew Izzy was home, so I called her once I trusted my voice to work more or less properly.

“Hello?”

“Iz…?”  My voice cracked on just that one tiny syllable. 

“Kate?  What’s wrong?”

“I…I just fucked up really bad with Ed.”

“Oh, shit, what happened?”

“It’s, um, a long story.  Do you think....can you come over?”

“Of course!  You’re at home?”

“Not yet, I’m in my car...at his hotel.  But I’m going home now.”

“Well, wait, are you alright to drive?  You sound really upset-“

“-No...yeah, I’m OK.  It’s just a 5 minute ride.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll leave as soon as I’m off the phone.  I’ll be fine.”

“OK, if you’re sure...I can be there in 15 minutes.”

“Thank-you, Iz.”

“Of course, sweetie, I’ll see you in a few.  Be careful.”

“I will.”

—

I'd just finished changing into my comfy, oversized sweatshirt and flannel pants when Izzy arrived.  As soon as I opened the door the tears came again, and she swallowed me up in a gigantic hug.

“Oh, honey.”

“Iz, it’s so bad. I fucked everything up.”

“I’m so sorry, sweetie.  C’mon, and tell me everything.”  She tilted her head towards the kitchen, and headed there as if she owned the place.  I followed behind.  

“Sit,” she directed me, indicating the breakfast bar stools.

I did as she shed her jacket and purse before tearing through my fridge and cabinets, pulling out various provisions.  She soon set down bowls of ice cream and some tall glass tumblers of Bailey’s Irish Cream for each of us before finally sitting herself down across from me.

“OK, now I think we’re set, no?”

“You’re amazing, Iz.”

“Nah, I’m just a little bossy.  And hungry.  You always have the best snacks, anyway,” she shrugged.  “And it’s good comfort food.  But, anyway...what happened, honey?”

Before I could begin telling her anything, my text notifications started going off. I knew it was him, but instead of checking it I just stared at my phone on the counter in front of me, much like a deer in headlights.

“You gonna look at that?”

“I can’t,” I said, shaking my head.  “Not yet.”

“OK.”

So, amidst gorging myself on ice cream and Bailey’s, I told Izzy how I let my stupid head and its stupid fears and anxieties run amok, and how I said things to Ed that I didn’t even mean.   

“I know you love him.”

“So. Much.”

“You want to stay together, right?”

I nodded.  No question.  “If he’ll still have me after...this.”

“Honey, you guys had a fight.  It happens.  You’ll work it out.” 

“Yeah, it’s just there are so many things to work out.  It’s...overwhelming, sometimes.”

“Like what?”

“Well, like, we live in different countries.  My family, my life...are here.  He has very solid roots there.  And there’s his career...I don’t know how to do any of this.”

Izzy nodded.  “I get what you’re saying, but...these seem like things the two of you can work out together, no?  You could maybe split your time?  Part-time here and part-time there? It would definitely take some compromise, but I don’t think it’s insurmountable?”

I shrugged.  She made it sound quite reasonable.  “Yeah, I guess maybe.”

“You both have a lot to talk about.”  She paused and gave me a thoughtful glance.  “I do have a question, though.  You said he was talking about family?  ‘Wanting to be a part of your family’, you said?”

"Yep,” I took a healthy slug of my Bailey’s, mentally bracing myself.  Which is ridiculous, since it was Izzy I was talking with, and not even Ed.

“Like, what did he mean by that?  Does he...is he talking about getting married?”

Good question.

“I don’t know...he didn’t use those words.  But he said when he imagines the future, it…he sees us all together as a family - he and I, and Nate and Lucy…and…”

“And...?”

“Yeah.  And...our kids.”

Izzy’s big brown, almond-shaped eyes grew wider at that. “Your... you mean, like, yours and his?”

“Yeah, pretty sure.”

“Holy shit?”

“I know!”

“That’s...is that something you guys have already talked about, then?  Having kids?”

“No,” I shook my head.  “We haven’t really talked about the future at all.  God, this is nuts, isn’t it?”  I pressed my fingertips to my temples, but then decided some more alcohol might do me better, and took a generous gulp of my drink.

“OK, so, what do you think about this?  I mean...you haven’t really known each other that long.”

“I know, but…it feels like we’ve known each other forever...it was like we already knew each other when we met.  This is hard to explain, but the idea of us being a family?  Isn’t exactly what’s freaking me out - at least not that much.  And I know that sounds crazy, but, I don’t know…”  I shrugged.  “It’s the ‘having more kids’ part…that…that’s where my anxiety kicks in, I think.”

“You don’t want any more?”

“No, actually I do - I’d...I would love that.”

She looked a little shocked.  I couldn’t blame her - I knew how it sounded.

“Wow.  That’s…that’s amazing!  Really?”

I felt my face flushing.  “Yeah,” I shrugged, and fleetingly wondered if some more cold ice cream might stop my cheeks from pinkening any further.

"OK, so then if you think you’re both on the same page about that, then what’s worrying you?”

“Right.”  I exhaled, lowering my gaze to my half-filled glass of Irish cream, and then I poured it over the rest of my mint chocolate chip ice cream.  Because this particular topic was an old wound, and it still made me feel pretty bad.  At least I loved Bailey’s on my ice cream.  But it didn’t really help.

“What is is, Kate?”

“I, um...I’ve never really talked about this with anyone besides Jay.”  I shrugged and sighed a humorless laugh - I was so anxious about this.  “So, I don’t think…well, I don’t know...if I can have any more kids.  We tried to have more for years…and, well, I had a few miscarriages, but…”  I slowly shook my head, finally raising my eyes up to meet hers.

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.  I had no idea?”

“Yeah, we didn’t really talk about it with anyone.”

“So...you’re worried about how Ed will take that?”

“Yeah.  He really wants kids...if anyone was born to be a dad, it’s him, right?  I...I’d just really hate to put him in a situation where he couldn’t do that.  And what if he becomes resentful over it, or leaves me?  I couldn’t...I wouldn’t handle that well.  And I’m not getting any younger, either…so, I might be out of time to get this figured out.”

“Whoa, OK.  First of all...what are you talking about ‘out of time’?  Hello, you’re in your 30’s, and you’re healthy.  And second...are you seriously pushing him away because he maybe might want to marry you, but you’re worried he’ll change his mind because you might not be able to have any more kids...but you don’t know that for sure?  And he doesn’t even know any of this, does he?”

“Well…no?  But I…um, I did tell him he’d probably be better off with someone else who’s younger.”

“You did not?!  Katie, what??  Why?”

“I don’t know?!  It seemed to make sense at the time?”

“That…that’s kind of really unfair to him.  He has no idea where that was coming from, does he?  You have to talk to him, tell him everything, and then the two of you need to figure this out together - you can’t decide for him.  And for what it’s worth,  I can’t imagine him hinging your entire relationship on a...a non-existent child, anyway.”

My text notifications started pinging again just then, and I finally caved and picked up my phone. And then I felt even worse.

I looked up at Izzy to find her watching me curiously.

“He’s worried about me…and I’ve been ignoring him.  God, why am I so horrible??”

“No, you’re not horrible, you just need some time to work out a few things.”

“I should answer him…”

She shrugged and nodded, agreeing.

A few minutes later I took a breath and looked up at Izzy, wide-eyed and feeling a nervous wreck all over again.

“He’s coming over.”

“That’s good.”

“I’m...ughh, I’m a disaster, Iz.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m acting like a crazy person, pushing him away when I really want to do the exact opposite.  I’m...overwhelmed.”

“That’s completely fair, honey.  Just remember that he loves you and wants you to be happy.  But you have to be totally honest with him about everything, ok?”

“OK.”  I rubbed my temples, still so uncertain.  “He’s flying back home tomorrow.”

“Ohhhh, shit.  Well, then it’s good you guys are going to talk now.”  She stood.  “I will get out of your hair before he gets here.”

I walked with her to the door and thanked her for coming over.  

“That’s what friends do, Katie.  It’s going to be ok.”

We hugged, and I promised to call her the next day to let her know how I’m doing...how we’re doing.  I really hoped I’d have some good news to give her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry there’s no Ed in this one - I promise he’s all over part 3, though (which is about 2/3 done)!  

I’d love to know your thoughts on this, and to know that it’s at least being read, so hit those like and reblog buttons, and send me those Asks!  Feedback is love!

-BP💜

[becuzpurple]

Because Purple, Ch. 25, pt. 1 - Fragile

Here is part 1 of chapter 25.  i know it’s been wayyyyyy too long since I posted a new chapter (like...2 years...oops).  To refresh your memory, you might want to check out the previous chapter here, or perhaps my Master List here.

Hope you like it!

---

Chapter 25, pt. 1 - Fragile

I was having these dreams.  It’s not that surprising, I guess, since similar waking thoughts had been creeping up on me, as well.  They were always at an unspecified time in the future where Ed and I were together and very happy.  We were living together - all of us - somewhere.  We traveled together, but not always, and my dream-self knew that was ok.  We were a family, and it was permanent, and so secure, and it felt right.  But the dream fragments really rattled me when I was awake, because I was trying to force my mind away from those kinds of thoughts.  

What was the point in getting my hopes up when he couldn’t possibly want to settle down with someone like me?  That might sound melodramatic, and maybe it is, to a point.  But there was something he didn’t know about me, and once he found out...I couldn’t see how we’d remain together happily-ever-after.

So my secret, along with some other things (our age gap, my parenting situation, his career, etc...), became distorted in my asshole, anxiety-riddled brain into these enormous obstacles that I believed could very well pull us apart.  Maybe it was a subconscious, fucked-up way of trying to protect myself.  I’d loved someone and married him and built a life and a family with him, and that was abruptly taken away.  My entire world was destroyed, and my heart was completely stomped-upon and left in a million pieces when Jason died.  It had only recently started to mend, but I was still so fragile.  I didn’t know if I could recover if my heart were to break again.  So, if I convinced myself that Ed and I weren’t meant to be a ‘forever’ kind of relationship, maybe then I wouldn’t completely shatter when it ended.

Except, it was too late for that.  He’d already made his way into my heart and soul and showed me I could love again.  He was everything, and I was terrified of losing everything, again.

***

Friday, 19 February

We’d just returned to the hotel after a quick dinner out.  

Our plan was to spend that last night together before he flew back home the following day. It had been a busy and amazing two weeks - he met my kids, we had a phenomenal trip to Mexican wine country, he won his first 2 Grammys, I met his family, friends, and some of his professional circle, we celebrated Valentine’s Day and his birthday…it was a lot, but it brought us even closer.  Now that he was leaving, though, my heart was heavier and my relationship insecurities were starting to slip through in a big way.

Why am I like this?

I sat down at the small table just off the kitchenette, watching him as he flitted around the room searching for glasses.  He was chatty, telling me all about his plans for the next month or so.  He had some time set aside for writing with his friends, and then some studio time booked in London.  He was really excited about a meeting he had scheduled with an architect and a general contractor to go over preliminary plans for a home-studio at his house in Framlingham.  Hopefully,  they’d be ready to submit them to the village for approval soon afterwards.  

I normally love seeing him so animated like that - his enthusiasm is refreshing, and it’s usually contagious.  But this time it made me feel uneasy. It was clear how much he loves his home.  But it just gave my insecurities more reason to fester, because how could we really make this work if my family and I live here, and he’s planning ahead with customizations to his permanent home in the UK?

“What do you think about you and the kids coming for a visit the next time they’re on school holiday?  Maybe in the spring?  Even if it’s for less than a week…I’d really love for you to see my home.”  

He smiled as he said it, and god, why did that hurt so much?  Nothing had changed, really, but I was suddenly a basketcase.

“Oh, yeah, that would be great.”  Even to my own ears I did not sound thrilled.

He stopped and looked at me, clueless as to what my problem was, obviously.

“I…thought it might be a lot of fun for everyone.  Was I wrong?”

“No, no, you’re…you’re right.  They’d - we’d - love it.  Really.”

“Okay.  I’m missing something here.  You’re making it sound like a prison sentence rather than a visit.  What’s going on?”

He set our drinks down at the table and seated himself across from me, a tense set to his posture.  

“No,” I sighed.  “I just…I hate that we live so far apart, and that the next time we see each other will probably be in a few months.  It’s hard.  And you being...you’re so excited about the changes you’re planning for your home, and I love that, but it makes me wonder...I mean, how do I fit into that...part of your life?  We - the kids and I - we live here.  It would probably be much easier for you if you were with someone who’s closer to home, or at least your own age who isn’t tied down with-”

“- Wait, what?  Someone else, what the hell?  We’ve already been through this.  You know...we’ll make this work - ”  

“ - I know, and I want that, too, but it seems...unfair to you that I have these other responsibilities.  I’m not complaining about my family at all - I’d move the earth for them.  But I wouldn’t blame you if you eventually, I don’t know...feel resentful about it.”

Although this really was a little bit of a concern I had, I was dancing around the actual reason I thought he might grow to resent me if we stayed together - the real reason I thought he might ultimately be happier with someone else.  But I didn’t know how to tell him.

He stared at me as if I’d lost my damn mind.  And maybe I had.

“You think…you realize you’re not the only person who has responsibilities, right?  I might be younger, but I actually have a lot of responsibilities, too… people’s livelihoods depend on my success - I employ a lot of people.  And I take care of my family, too.  Maybe not exactly the same way that you do, but still.  So I understand responsibilities.  Yet you say you think that I’m going to leave you…because…I’m not more important than your kids?  The fuck, Kate?”

“I…I know, I’m sorry.  I just wonder if, in the long-run...you might be happier with someone else.”

“Goddamnit, where is this coming from?  And you don’t get to decide what I want...what I want is you, and everything and everyone that comes with you.  There is nothing to resent - I’d be concerned if you didn’t put your children first.  I’d never want to be with you if you didn’t.  And I love your family.  I mean, I...I want that, to be honest - I want to be a part of that.”

“You wha - what does that mean?”  No.  no, no, he can’t be...

He took a breath before going on, his voice low, yet sure and steady.  "I think about my future, and no matter what the situation is…You. Are. There.  Lucy and Nate are there.  Our children are there.  We’re a family.  I don’t know where - here, or back home, or both, I don’t really care…but I love you, Kate, and I want that with you.“

I had no words.  Literally no words.

"I’m not…this isn’t a…proposal.  I’m just telling you how I feel and what I want, since you seem to think...otherwise.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you want the same thing.  You do, I know you do.”

And he was right, of course, even though I was trying really hard to sabotage it.  I absolutely wanted that more than anything.  But I didn’t say it, even though I could see him silently pleading with me.  Instead, I tried to protect my heart from ever being broken again by convincing myself that it wouldn’t happen.  And trying to convince him why it probably shouldn’t.  I was doing a piss-poor job of it, though, since I still couldn’t bring myself to admit the real reason I was so afraid.

“I...don’t want you to ever regret being with me.  You are young, and single, and successful…and you’re going to realize one day that you could do so much better than…me.”

He looked at me, completely bewildered, before going on.  “I - I’m gonna say this one more time - please hear me.  I. Want. It. All. With. You.  I’m done being out there.  It’s only you.”

“But, this is all still so new with us…we haven’t even had that conversation.  You can’t just assume that-”

“So, let’s have it right now!  I’m ready for it.”  His mouth was set in a thin, straight line and his eyes were on me like a laser beam, waiting, challenging me, and rightfully so.  

My head was spinning, my mind whirring, my heart swelling and breaking at the same time and I was panicking and felt detached.  I wanted so badly for this conversation to be going in a very different direction, but I couldn’t bear to set myself up for that kind of hurt, again.

“What do you want, Kate?  Not what do you think you deserve, but  What. Do. You. Want?”

I shook my head, not willing to go there.  “I don’t know.”

I’m such a liar.

“You don’t know.”  He spit out a humorless laugh.  “Really.  Then what the fuck are we doing, here?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing!  I love you but I feel like I’m falling apart right now and my fucking head is all over the place and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

He was angry, I was a wreck, we were both so emotional and it was too much.  I wanted it all to just go away - to stop, and the only way I could think of making that happen was to remove myself from the situation.

“I can’t do this right now.  I...I have to go.”  I stood and grabbed my purse, coat, and overnight bag from the counter and started to make my way to the door, trying not to look at him. Avoidance was my game, but he jumped up and blocked my path, forcing himself into my line of sight.

“Wha-? Go where?”  He looked completely baffled.

“I don’t know…home, I guess?  Please just let me by.”  I was talking in short, quick bursts, and my voice was very high-pitched - I didn’t sound like myself.

He didn’t move at first, and shook his head.  “No.  What’s happening, here?  You can’t leave.  We-we have to sort this…”

“I can’t, I just...I have to go, please.” I felt like I was ripping my own heart apart, along with his, but I was truly incapable of sorting out anything right then.  I was overwhelmed and my fight-or-flight response was kicked into high gear - the flight part, at least.  I knew I was being completely irrational, but I couldn’t help it.

God, he was so upset - I’d never seen him like that before, and it made my heart hurt, and I couldn’t do anything to fix it.  He finally stepped away from the door, exaggeratedly gesturing for me to move along, then.  Almost as if in slow-motion, I reached for the doorknob, warily meeting his eyes before pulling it open.  

“Fine, then go.  Are you even coming back tonight?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed the back of my fist to my mouth.  

I let out a shaky breath before answering him.  “I don’t…I don’t know, Ed.”

“I’m leaving in the morning…will we just not fix this before then?”  He stood there completely broken - all because of me.  I positively loathed myself at that moment.

The elevator door opened just then and I hurried across the hallway to it.  I turned back to see him watching me from his doorway, defeated.

“I’m sorry.”  

We were both crying as the door slid closed.

---

I’d love to hear your thoughts!  Likes and reblogs are love so pls Give Me Love,  lol.  Asks in the form of comments and questions are always welcome, too!

[becuzpurple]

BP writing update:  

I’m still writing!  

chapter 25 pt. 4 is coming along slowly, but it’s still coming along.  I like where it’s going.  

It might still be a while before it’s finished - a few weeks?  a month?  I don’t really know, yet.  

But I haven’t set it aside, and I’m getting at least a little bit done every day.

My working title for it is ‘Promise’.  And in it, Ed had some ideas (plans?) that Kate couldn’t have predicted.  😆

[becuzpurple]

the State of BP

Hello!

So, I’ve been thinking.  I have always felt pretty bad that I left the Because Purple chaptered story hanging where I did.  Ed & Kate are stupid-in-love.  They are on their way to LA for the Grammys where he’ll win his 1st two.  Kate is freaking out a little bit because she’s starting to imagine being with him for the long haul.  You might know some of the major things that will happen after that because of a few of the one-shots I’ve written (fight/near-break-up, Daisy, etc...).  I just can’t ever seem to get the next chronological part into words that I’m happy with.  It’s the fight.  I start writing, and then after a page or two I’ve got NOTHING.

But I actually have the outline of the ENTIRE story in my head - well beyond Daisy.  I know how many kids they’ll have (and names!), their marital status, where they’ll live, relationship & family struggles, beautiful moments...I have so many more things in store for Ed & Kate!

So, I think I’m going to stick to writing one shots for them, as long as it still works for me.  Maybe at some point I’ll have enough that they can fill in the blanks and become chapters in the main story.  Lol.

Honestly, I’ve been doing this for a few years now, and don’t even know if anyone still cares.  Haha.  But, if anyone has any questions or requests, I’ll gladly try to answer/write something for it, if ya like

[becuzpurple]

Update:

I’m currently 20 pages into the new chapter, and I’m still not done!  Once it is done, there will be heavy editing/revising, likely including some massive deleting of entire paragraphs and/or sections.  i’m guessing the final product will stay at about 20 pages.  :-)

I just wanted to let you all know that I’m still working on it, and it’s coming along nicely.  I don’t have a time-frame for posting, yet, unfortunately.  Maybe 2-4 weeks?  I work slowly, now - my apologies.

Thanks for your patience and your support!

[becuzpurple]

I’m hoping to post pt. 3 of my latest chapter sometime tomorrow.  🙂

[becuzpurple]

Y’all, words are pouring out of me when they haven’t for literally a couple of YEARS.  BP chapter 25 is HAPPENING!

[becuzpurple]

Chapter 25 Update!

I’m thinking about breaking up the new chapter I’m working on and posting the first part of it separately - possibly even today.  It would be fairly short compared to what I usually post (only 5 pages in Google docs, compared to my usual 15-20 page-long pieces).  But I’m anxious in a good way to get some new stuff out, and if I’m lucky, it might maybe leave y’all wanting more.  :-)

I’ve been working almost every day on this.  I’m almost done with the initial draft, but then come the revisions, editing, etc... so it might still be a bit before the whole thing is complete.  I thought maybe sharing the beginning of it here might be a nice way to dip my foot back in, as well as being a teaser for the rest of it.  :-)

This isn’t a one-shot that I’m working on.  It’s the next chapter of the main story - the one I haven’t touched in almost 2 years!  OK, that’s not entirely true.  I’ve started writing this chapter multiple times over the last 2 years.  But I always somehow got stuck and lost inspiration - until now.  I’m so happy to be over that hump!

Should I post links to the previous chapter as a refresher on where Ed and Kate’s story left off?  Or maybe write a little summary post?  Hit me up and let me know!

[becuzpurple]

I’m writing the next chapter of BP...?

honestly. who am I?

[becuzpurple]

Father’s Day

(an Ed & Kate one-shot)

21 June 2016

Lucy brushed some dirt and debris from the surface of the stone, clearing it for me to place a half dozen red and white tulips across it.  Nathan staked 3 mini Cubs pennants into the soil at its top.  Then we sat, mostly quietly, surrounded by a sea of trees, flowers, and grave markers.  It was a beautiful first day of summer - the peaceful setting lending itself to quiet contemplation.  It was Father’s Day.

When I was a child, and my parents took us to the cemetery to pay respects to our deceased relatives, we’d clean up the gravestones, plant flowers, and say some prayers.  Since Jason’s passing, though, I’ve found that reciting prayers at his gravesite just doesn’t work for me.  It feels almost forced, as if it’s expected, but it holds no actual meaning for me - they’re just empty words.  I completely understand and respect that others find doing this to be very meaningful and comforting, but it just isn’t for me.  

I talk to him instead.  Sometimes I’ll talk to God, too, but more often I talk to Jason - not out loud, but in my head.  I tell him about our lives - stuff with the kids, our family...and I talk to him about Ed, too. As weird as that sounds, I find it to be therapeutic.  It gives me a way to sorting out my joys and worries, my hopes and fears, all without judgement. Sometimes I can imagine his reply.  

It helps.

On that Father’s Day, I shared a secret with him - a big one, that no one but I knew, yet. That would change soon enough, I supposed.  It was strangely comforting to think that I no longer held the secret entirely alone, even if it wasn’t with anyone currently alive.

“Do you think he can see us?  Or hear us?”  Lucy was pulling random weeds and dandelions from around the stone as she spoke, eyes focused downwards.

I paused before answering her.  It’s something I wonder about, too.

“I don’t really know.  But I like to think so.  You know, sometimes, in my head...I talk to him.”  She did look up at me then, and I grimaced in a self-deprecating way...trying to keep things from getting too heavy.  “Is that weird?”

“No, I do that, too.” 

Nate had been quiet, but was nodding in agreement, as well.

Oh, my babies

“I guess...it’s comforting to think that he might hear us.”

“Yeah…”  Lucy nodded and resumed weeding.  

I glanced at Nate, who watched us curiously, also nodding.

“I think he does,” he added softly.

---

We didn’t stay much longer - cemetery visits tend to be emotionally exhausting for us. From there we met my parents at The Pancake House for a Father’s Day brunch.  Filling up on family and sugary, carby comfort food helped us transition from our melancholy moods.  

My dad is the best.  I’ve literally never met anyone who didn’t love him.  He’s smart and funny, yet on the quiet side.  He’s a hard worker and a devoted family man.  He loves baseball, sci-fi, and giant jigsaw puzzles.  He’d do anything for us.  He really stepped up to be there for the three of us after we lost Jason, and I’m so grateful for that.  There is no better father or grandfather out there, so celebrating his awesomeness (on Father’s Day, fur sure, but at other times of the year, too) has become very important to me.

“When does Ed get back, Kate?”  I have to smile at how my mom’s face lights up at the mention of his name - even when she’s the one saying it.  She loves him, and it’s adorable.

“Today, in a few more hours.”

“Ah, good.  I hope things went well for him out there.”

“Yeah, he said they got a lot done,” I shrugged.  “He sounds pretty happy with everything.”

He’d been away for a week, in southern California, working on the next album. From how he described it, it sounded like they were in an absolutely beautiful setting - a gorgeous chalet in a wooded area, a river nearby, and distant mountains.  He’d been with some of his favorite people in the business - people he considers dear friends - and they seemed to have had an abundantly creative and productive week.  He was really pumped about it.

He’d wanted me to go with him, but my schedule just wouldn’t cooperate. The kids started their summer sports and art camps, I had a few looming deadlines for work that couldn’t wait, and I had a doctor appointment mid-week that I didn’t want to put off.  It’s too bad, too - I would have loved to have witnessed their collaborative songwriting in action.

---

That night after the kids were in bed, we’d finally caught each other up on everything - his stories of the last week were much more interesting than the mundane details of my suburban mom life, but, lovely man that he is, he wanted all of them, anyway.  Ed genuinely loves things like that - anything involving family.  Which is a good thing, considering what I was about to drop on him.

“So, I have something for you, but I left it in the bedroom.”  I stood and wagged a finger at him, grinning at his curious, wrinkled brow.  “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

I left him there on the family room couch while I jogged to our room to grab the small, gift-wrapped box I’d been keeping hidden away.

Without a doubt I was dying to finally tell him, but at the same time I almost felt a little sad that it would no longer be my secret.  I laughed to myself at the idea of being possessive of it.  But I’d had a whole week for that - it was time to spill the beans, and giving him the little gift was how I planned to do that.

As soon as I re-entered the room Ed’s eyes zeroed in on the small, prettily-wrapped box in my hand.  Before I even reached the sofa I could see that he was starting to look a little freaked out.  Maybe he had an idea of what this was about.  He knew what day it was, and there I was with a gift for him - it wasn’t a difficult jump to make.  But I know him well enough to see that he was trying not to psych himself up, in case he was wrong.

But he wasn’t wrong.

I re-joined him on the sofa, mirroring his pose by sitting with one leg tucked under the other, our knees touching.

“What-what’s this, then?”  He tried to appear calm and casual, but between the stutter and the wide eyes, it was clear that he was not feeling calm.

My plan had been to not give anything away before he opened the gift, but that all went to pot because I was way too close to falling into a fit of nervous giggles. This was more than obvious to Ed, who was eying me dubiously, waiting for me to say something.

“Umm, this is for you.”  I gave him the neatly wrapped present, about the same size as a watch box.  But there wasn’t a watch inside, nor any other jewelry.

He held it in his hand, just staring at it, eyes wide.  He glanced at me a few times, finally asking, “What is it?”

He was nervous, watching me with barely reined-in wide-eyed excitement.

A few giggles finally spilled loose from me, and I couldn’t stop smiling - I was just as anxious as he was.  Attempting to calm the both of us, I placed my palms flat on his lap, just above his knees, tapping my fingers before murmuring, “Ed.  Open it.”

He took a calming breath and looked down at the box in his hands, again.  Smiling to himself, he began pulling off the ribbon.

“I - I might know what this is about...maybe?  But I also have no idea what’s actually in here.”

“That’s...probably completely accurate.”

“Jesus…”

“Open it.”

“Yeah.” He wore the cutest little grin, and kept shooting small glances at me as he carefully unwrapped the paper from the box.  How he wasn’t tearing it apart I’ll never know.  Maybe he wanted to savor the feeling of anticipation.  Maybe he was a little scared, too.  I know I was.

He removed all of the paper and turned to me with a look of pure bewilderment, holding the unopened box.

“I - I’m nervous to open it...fuck’s wrong with me?”

I gently shook my head, unable to stop grinning. “Nah, you got this.”  I gave his leg a little squeeze, as my hand still rested on it.  “Please open it, though, because I can’t take this much longer.”

He laughed, and then finally opened the lid.  He just stared for a few seconds - no response whatsoever.  I’m not even sure he remembered to breathe.  He blinked several times, and then he smiled - a slow-growing, tentative expression of stunned wonder.

“It’s a pick.”  His eyes lifted to meet mine, his voice barely more than a whisper.

I nodded.

“A ba- we’re gonna...you’re pregnant?” His voice broke on the last word.

I nodded again, my heart pounding with nerves.

“Bloody hell, I knocked you up?!”  He found his voice again, and his accent was much more pronounced than usual.  He looked at me in complete astonishment.

I hiccup-cry-laughed all at once.  “Yeah, you did!”

He glanced down again at the custom-designed guitar pick I got for him while he was away.  “January...”

“My due date is January 12th.”

“January the 12th.  Holy shit, this is for real...”

“This is real, Teddy.”  We shared a tender look at my use of the phrase he’d once used to reassure me when we first started dating.  “We’re going to have a baby.”

We’re gonna have a baby.” He repeated the words slowly, trying them out for the very first time, himself.  “I…I’m going to be a dad.”

There was a sweet shyness in the way he said it, a self-consciousness in saying the words out loud - I’m going to be a dad.

Nodding again, I cupped his jaw in my hand, bringing his earnest, deep blues back to me. “You’re going to be an amazing dad.”

He was quiet, eyes still on mine, listening.

“Your parents did good raising you and Matthew, right?”

“They are literally the best parents, yeah.”

“You’ve been learning your whole life from the best, then.  And I’ve seen you with kids - my kids, your godchildren...Ed, you were meant for this.”

His tentative smile grew, his eyes lit up, and soon his entire body was practically humming with hyper energy.  It must have been contagious, as I was nearly vibrating with giddiness, myself.  I’m sure we looked completely ridiculous beaming at each other like that. Or just deliriously happy.

He tilted his head to the side, eyes on me curiously and gave the sweetest, closed-mouth smile.  “You’re happy Kate?”

“Oh, yeah!  I - well, I’m feeling a lot things right now, but ‘happy’ is definitely at the top of the list.”

My thoughts had been going in so many different directions over the last few days - I was absolutely over-the-moon.  I never thought I’d have any more children, and I was thrilled to get this chance - and with Ed!  It made my heart feel whole and complete.  

But I’d be lying if I said I had no worries.  I’m older now, and that brings more risks to a pregnancy.  Also, there was the fact that Ed and I aren’t married - we’d only been together for six months at that point.  I didn’t know if that would be an issue or not, but I knew it was something we should probably talk about. I also worried that he might not be thrilled with the timing of the pregnancy, relative to his career.

“Me, too!  It’s crazy, right?  I can’t even keep up with everything going through my head right now.”  He huffed out a breath, surely still trying to wrap his head around the news.

“I know.  I mean, the timing isn’t great, like with your work, and-”

“-Oh, no, no,” he interrupted.  “this is everything, and it-it’s perfect.  Like, work is well and good, but this?  Family?  Is what we’re all really here for, right?  To love, and to teach our children to love.  I feel like I’m finally about to really start my life, now - the most important part of it, and I get to do it with you?  I'm - I’m so fucking in love with you, and I'm just...really chuffed right now...”

His voice caught as it trailed off.  He took off his glasses, wiped at his eyes and cleared his throat, and that’s when I started to lose it a little bit, too.

“Baby, stop.”  I sniffled as I shifted closer against him.  He pulled me in even more so that my legs were across his lap, his arms secure around my waist.  

I don’t know how he does it - he has a knack for saying the very thing I need to hear, and even better - he means it every time.  I sent a quick word of thanks to the universe, or maybe it was God (I’m not entirely sure there’s a difference), for somehow bringing us together.  “How’d I get so lucky?”

He pulled back just enough to see my face and wipe a stray tear from my cheek with his thumb.  “I ask myself that same question every single day, sweet girl.”

“I love you, Ed.”

“I know,” he answered, grinning cheekily.

I couldn’t even pretend to be annoyed.  I adore him and I’m happy to say it for the rest of my life.  But there was something else I wanted to say, too.  

“Oh, and one more thing…” I grinned.

“What’s that, love?”

Happy Father’s Day.”

---

just a friendly reminder that I’d love to hear your thoughts on this!  Send me likes, or reblogs, or send Anon questions/comments - these are the only ways I know what you like.

Thanks, guys!

[becuzpurple]

Anyone interested in a non-smutty, extremely fluffy Ed & Kate one-shot that has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas or New Years and, in fact, takes place in June?

😂😂😂

I’m almost done - just one or two more sentences, then I’ll hopefully get it proofed fairly soonish, and then I can post tonight or tomorrow if anyone likes.