#Because I can remember memories of 'me' (the former fronter) in EW as if it was the only world they exist in 💀

[midwinterwings]

IW and EW is confusing

so...this isnt even remotely surprising but I'm surprised Pikachu abt it, its surprising to me.

When i initially fronted i assumed I'd act similar to in IW but that literally didn't happen. I dont recall I like writing and drawing in IW but I feel the urge to here...and I'm much cooler headed in EW.

The whiplash makes me go ":0" it's so...weird. especially since I'm still 100 percent me, but I act completely different in EW. Well at the same time the front has some...baggage left of the people who used to be here. Theyre gone. Dunno where they are.

One is something that makes me unable to talk, administered by no one, its just like a cage imposed on my mouth that snaps closed and makes me unable to use my windpipes.

Two is a person left behind made by the old host who's become his own independent being and keeps fronting, shoving me aside and bursting into the body in certain situations. Admittedly, they do a better job than me but it's still violating as I have no choice except to be an observer.

Three...the fact I'm...even thinking so much, is...uncharacteristic. Well, I wasn't exactly devoid of braincells back in IW, but like...I definetly didnt think as much. Especially about plurality. It's unnerving to realize I'm one person and there's others as well who may front in future. Because i feel like one guy if no one else is around, but I know it's not true because I can access memories of the previous fronters and they thought they were the only one too. I can't really talk to the other people. I know I'm technically an alter formed due to trauma of the EW body and past but I only know this from the information base and...thing is, my life is completely different to the EW's and especially since the person who was around during the early years of the External body's life, has gone or died or something. He's just not here so me and the others who aren't fronting are just left with...ourselves, since the fact we exist is coz of that trauma that none of us acrually experienced. Oh, and the memories left behind and stored. So I do have the memories to look into but thats it.

Im not really...conscious of the fact I was formed from EW body's trauma. I get it conceptually but not actually. Coz, you see, I got a whole world I belong in, relationships, a past. I straight up identify 0% of me with the External world body's experience and past...to me the trauma was just kinda the conduit of how I am created but its not important to me at all.

There is some things that jar me. Namely my current fixation on plurality since like...I...wait nvm.

Its coz I'm not a facet I'm a whole person. I dont feel like part of a whole. I'm my own individual. And I'm aware of others coz they appear and because I can access memories in the info base, not very well but enough. And I also get mega pissed off if the same stuff that was the reason the system was a system and not a singlet happens again to me, and I feel kind of...an ancient kind of rage. One I as a singular person didn't create, more of the rage and disappointment left over by one of the people who was in the system long ago. In those moments I see the memories of that person as 'mine', usually I don't do that. I can see memories from former fronters but as a spectator although it's first person.

I guess the rage caused by the same triggers that created the external body's early trauma is deeply rooted in all of us, whoever fronts or is 'conscious' and not doing their own thing in innerworld.

The confusing thing is when that happens I kind of revert to singlet mode and kind of...embody the old alter naturally, the one who pretended to be the only one, basically rping as a singlet and adding all external world events and treating them as 'their experiences' and trying to be 'normal' I, on my own, don't identify with a lot of stuff EW body went through. Purely because it literally didn't happen to me in a Literal sense, and that's coz I was only fully formed a few days ago. So it couldn't happen to me. That being said I do feel what the old alter/s felt so it's kinda like being there but I wasn't actually there, still, I do feel their emotions from that trauma strongly at times and from an outside standpoint you couldn't tell the stuff didnt happen to ME, in a Literal sense.

so what am I getting at here. Its that it's pokemon gasp, kind of a surprise and shock fronting after the old fronter was aware of me existing (they thought I was a character they created)

because stuff is just...totally different from what I'm used to. I act different too and like different things. Then again it's not completely true because the things i do in EW are similar to a lot of stuff I did in IW as a young kid, but its been long since I've been that kid, I barely even remember I was him most of the time due to shit that happened in IW. I guess, doing something I used to do as a young kid and feeling a sense of whiplash and discomfort is actually very simular to if it was in IW and my entire point isn't valid.

-> so in fact jts more...on the surface I act different in EW than IW but acrually I do the same things just in a different context and stuff.

-T