#Bc I headcanon that Piglins are shorter than humans

[anarchy-and-piglins]

My unpopular opinion is that short!Techno is superior, I think that c!Techno should be shorter than c!Wilbur and definitely shorter than c!Ranboo

[moltengoldveins]

-and right now I wanna thank today’s sponsor, My Terrible Friends Billiam And Veil for yet again sponsoring this trash bag of a post.

Technoblade is in menopause and this is why he is Like ThatTM. PLEASE HEAR ME OUT.

Firstly, I gotta clarify that I’m not really talking about DSMP techno here? I’m mostly talking about fanon techno, especially ORP techno. Oh also fair warning I’m gonna discuss the menstrual cycle 👍 move on if you don’t care for such things.

Nearly every Fic I’ve read that delves into Piglin biology and culture gives them an entirely different relationship to gender and sexuality than the human/villager characters. Be it classic ABO dynamics thrown in there because it’s easy or something like the Parshendi mateforms in Brandon Sanderson’s Stormlight books, there’s usually some way for the human characters to look at Techno in all his Aceness and go “huh. Weird.” Only for him to then be Completely Normal in Piglin culture, often to comedic effect.

I love this. I am extremely partial to alien or nonhuman cultures where being ace or aro or something similar is a normal role in society, one that a large portion of the population has. So my headcanon has a few parts;

one: Piglins have a lot of kids. Honestly too many - for a mammal of their size, having on average four or five litters of six to eight kids, most of whom make it to at least young adulthood, would result in uncontrollable population growth over a very short period of time.

two: about 40% of a piglin population on average is ace, and about 80% of those are aro. This subset of the population is the ‘brutes,’ we see, and while they’re basically normal other than being a bit larger on average, they culturally tend towards combat roles because they are unattached. This helps curb that rampant population spike - if you overproduce kids, but a solid 3/7 or so don’t have kids at all, you’re not too badly off.

three: piglin all have hormonal cycles regardless of sexuality or gender. If you’re child-capable, it tends to be a bit longer, on the side of two or three months, but a bit stronger. Everyone politely ignores that every non-brute vanishes for two days every few months. Brutes have a much faster hormone cycle regardless of gender, on the order of a week or so. The brute’s ’time of the month’/‘time of the week’ manifests as an increase in energy, a need for exercise and challenge, and a spike in irritation and aggression. Some of them also get very touch starved.

four: Shut up about TMI and ‘appropriate dinner conversation’ this is important context I swear- I’m ace. Im in my twenties. I’m also getting my hormone cycle for the first time in my life bc up until now I haven’t been healthy enough to be fertile. It’s hell, obv, but I have learned a lot. Most women have a span of about four days when they’re ovulating where they’re Really Horny. Unfortunately for everyone around me, I don’t do that, so instead apparently my brain shunted it over into Bloodlust. I actively want to rip someone’s throat out with my teeth. I’m not even joking, it’s very disconcerting as a largely not-physically-violent person (emotionally is a whole other story) to squint at someone who’s bothering you and unironically think “…… their blood would taste goo- what the HELL MOLTEN?” So I’m saying that this is an accurate description of at least how some ace people handle hormone cycles. I see no reason why the pig people wouldn’t do this too.

five, the obvious conclusion to this story (but not the full conclusion): Techno Is The Way He Is because he’s a brute with a completely normal hormone cycle. He just gets Really Really Bloodthirsty about once every five days. Every OTHER Piglin on the planet understands that, and even non-brutes have a smaller shorter-term cycle that tends to synch with surrounding Brutes and makes them slightly more aggressive. They have bastion sparring days and prank wars to help channel the excess energy. But unfortunately, Techno doesn’t live with Piglins. He lives with Phil. Who doesn’t know SHIT about this. So he never realizes. And techno has to work out his own Murder Schedule without support, or the random surprise attacks/spars other brutes spring on one another to help kick adrenaline production into high gear and calm the stress.

Six, and this is the funny bit: regardless of gender, piglin go through menopause as their hormone cycles break down as they age and eventually settle out to be cycle-less. This process SHOULD only last about a year or two. Unfortunately Techno’s aging makes No Fucking Sense because lady death refuses to take him and the blood god keeps him youthful, but still lets him sorta age??? So Techno is essentially being bounced back to X age, aging forward unnaturally slowly, and then being zapped backwards again once he gets too old for comfort.this span of age is unfortunately EXACTLY THE SPAN OF TIME THAT PIGLIN GO THRU MENOPAUSE. Which manifests for brutes as flashes of MINDLESS BLOODLUST and constant aggression and a lack of social battery. All things that the blood god sees absolutely no point for, so technos requests that maybe he be allowed to live at a different age are ignored.

Tldr….. Techno is in menopause. Possibly forever. Every single piglin who hears about how he behaves figures this out in like eight minutes, tops. Every human who hears about him or meets him assumes he’s Like That because he’s some sort of warmonger, but no. He just got hit with the Period Cramp Lazer 3000 for all eternity and is trying So Hard not to murder about it.

Anyway yeah that’s my Cursed Headcanon 👍 now you all have to suffer with me.

… does anyone want to hear another Horrible Cursed Headcanon? I’m going to make a tag for these Deeply Unhinged Headcanons if I keep making them but does anyone want to know bc if not I’ll just shut up. It’s about technoblade. Actually it’s largely about Piglins in general but Techno in particular.