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smurphyse · 1 year ago

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Angel | Spencer Reid

Smurph’s Masterlist | Series Masterlist

Chapter 17 of Operation: Sand Leopard

Warnings: canon typical stories, Christmas visits, crying, happy hugs fear, espionage, confessions

Summary: Spencer arrives in America and struggles to sleep. You finally tell Alijah who Angel really is.

The flight to Anacostia-Bolling air base in DC was agonizingly long, and somehow seemed longer than the flight to Iraq.

The unit met their families at the hangar- Garrett with his four daughters and much more handsome husband than Spencer expected, Morello with his son and pregnant wife, Peanut with her mother and three younger siblings, and Barretti with his parents.

Spencer hadn't told the BAU he was coming home. He wanted to surprise them tomorrow at Rossi’s house for their pre-Christmas dinner.

He took a cab through familiar streets to his familiar apartment, flurries swirling around until he was standing outside the building in the December snow and gazing up at it curiously. Everything looked the same, but he knew as he stood there that he no longer was. Iraq had changed him, and with his gunny pack on one shoulder and his dog tags hanging around his neck, he was out of place.

It was late, the entranceway dark and gloomy as the stairs loomed ominously before him. It was a journey in itself walking up them, taking a trip into the not so distant past but feeling as though he'd aged ten years. As he got to his floor he stood in front of his door, chewing on his cheek.

He was an intruder in the night, slinking into a place he shouldn't be, a place he didn't belong.

Sliding the key in the lock, the familiar smell of aged books and leather plumed on the other side. He opened the door and flicked on the lights, furrowing his brows at the sight.

His old couch stood in the same place, his desk and record player in one corner. Books were scattered all around, on shelves and tables and the floor. The lamps glowed dimly in the small place, but it was much bigger than he felt comfortable with. He missed his CHU.

Spencer sighed as he shut and locked the door behind him. He kicked a few books aside as he made his way to the bedroom, tossing his gunny pack at the foot of the bed and falling face first into the mattress.

He didn't even take off his boots as he curled up, staring at the window through to the cityscape outside. The sounds of Bombaconda gave way to honking horns and sirens, gunfire and IEDs washed away with the far off desert. With horror, Spencer realized he missed the sounds of baselife.

He also missed you, curled up next to him and sweating in the night. It was cold and dark here, a far cry from the Iraqi heat and blazing sun. Spencer closed his eyes and tried to imagine your sticky warmth bleeding through his cargos and cotton tee, the scent of your flowery perfume and sweat, your hair tickling his nose.

But you were six thousand, one hundred ninety eight and a half miles away, probably just waking up in your CHU and going about your day without your team. He wondered if you'd gone to the DFAC with Mercer, or if you sat alone in your trailer instead. He almost hoped you went to the DFAC.

He was restless, tossing and turning as he struggled to get comfortable. At first he thought it was the heavy blanket, so with a grunt Spencer threw it on the floor, but it didn't work.

The fan above Spencer's head was still, so he turned it on, but the soft hum was too quiet compared to the constant whirring of the pop vent in his CHU. Spencer even threw his pillows from the bed, but an hour later he still couldn't sleep.

Then your voice came to the surface, tired and weary all those months ago when you muttered in the dimming light.

It gets better. You get used to all the noises, and when you go home you'll find that's when you can't sleep. The city's too quiet, the bed's too soft, the food has too much flavor.

Spencer hated how you were always right.

Groaning as he sat up, Spencer ambled off the bed and got down on the carpet. Stuffing one of the errant pillows under his head, his eyes drooped as he watched the fan some more.

Your smirk flashed before him just before he hit the dark undertow of sleep, and Spencer ended his long day the way he started it.

Grinning like a fiend.

You didn't sleep a wink.

Instead, you spent all night with Mercer at the bonfire pit, letting the crackle of the flames drown out your planning and whispers in the night.

You were exposed, and who knew how many of your team's missions were queueing up to be used against you. Your greatest fear had come true, that once more your future would slip from your grasp.

You weren't going to let that happen. Not this time.

"Why do you come to see me?"

You looked up from your spot on the floor, only to see Alijah watching you expectantly. Your heart swelled painfully in your chest every time you looked at her.

Since deciding a few months ago you were going to adopt Alijah and Sivan, you'd been coming to visit again. You started slow, only coming a few times a week, and now you came every day. Your plan had changed…again.

Instead of playing the good cop bad cop with her, you were going to earn her trust the way Teddy and Spencer had, simply by talking to her. If she was going to come home with you, she needed to see you as Teddy had presented you. As a mother, a friend, someone to lean on.

You clicked your teeth and shrugged, "Maybe I like you, Alijah."

She squinted at you, "I said I don't like you."

You smiled, her English had improved so much because of Spencer. Pride poured through your soul, flooding you with a fierce protectiveness you were more than happy to have return.

"That's okay."

Alijah leaned back against the wall and continued her little scrunched up squinting, "I like you a little now."

"Okay," you said quietly.

"When will you let me see Teddy again?" she asked in a small voice, looking to you hopefully.

You sighed and glanced down at your hands, "Alijah, you can't see Teddy again."

"Is he dead?"

When you met her dark gaze, she had her arms crossed protectively over her small chest. Feeling brave, you got up enough to move to the cot, sitting next to her and leaning against the wall yourself.

She seemed to understand, her chin wobbling as she began to cry. Alijah dropped her head in her hands as a sob broke free, shattering your heart. You reached out slowly and wrapped your arm around her shoulders, and when she let you pull her to your chest tears of your own began to spill down your cheeks.

Setting your jaw on her covered head, you whispered tearfully, "I'm sorry. He's not coming back."

"What happened?" Alijah burst out in Kurdish. She wept in your arms, her small desperate hands clinging to you to ground her.

"It was an accident," you replied back in her mother tongue, your voice trembling. You lied to her. She didn't need to know. "He was a soldier. Things happen."

Alijah pulled back, her watery eyes wide. "What about Angel?"

Was it the time to tell her? Would it ever be? Sighing, you leaned over to the last Redwall book in the pile near her cot. The rest of them nearly tumbled over as you tugged it away. With shaky hands, you flipped it open to the back cover and handed it to her.

She took it cautiously. You watched nervously as she read the words you'd written there so long ago, when all you wanted was to welcome this poor child into a happy home with you and Teddy.

Alijah,

I wish I could have gone on this journey with you. Maybe by the time you finish these books you'll already be home with me, and we'll have finished them together. I've spent years reading and rereading these words, countless hours hunched over the paper and drinking in each sweet line. These books showed me the wonder of the world, that while destiny is important… We make our own ways in life.

You're going to do great things. My sweet girl, I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and know that you're safe with me. I love you already. I always will.

Xoxo, Y/N

Aka Angel <3

You'd drawn a heart next to your name in a last ditch flourish to come across as a mother. In truth, you'd been so nervous to be one, but the closer it came the more you'd solidified it in your mind. You would have done anything for Alijah. You still would.

She looked up slowly from the book, a flurry of emotions raging behind her dark eyes. Tears stained my cheeks as you watched her back. Regret coursed through your veins.

"I came back to Iraq for you," you whispered, your voice shaking. "After Teddy died… I didn’t want to love you anymore, but I did. I do. This is the only way I knew how to protect you.

"When I found out about Sivan, I knew I needed to get to her before bringing you home," you finished tearfully, struggling to continue to look her in the eyes. But you kept strong. "I'm going to get you home. I'm sorry I had to keep you here, Alijah. I'm so sorry that I did this to you."

Alijah closed the book, holding it on her lap. Her jaw worked as she thought long and hard about this revelation. Her eyes searched the charged air between us as she followed her train of thought. Finally, she opened her mouth.

"I don't think I will ever forgive you."

Your heart shattered into a million pieces, but you understood. You nodded slowly, "I'm still going to take you home. I will make sure you're safe, but…"

You trailed off with your mind churning. Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes to calm the shaking deep in your bones. When you opened them, you knew they blazed, as Alijah seemed taken aback by the fire there.

"I have a plan, and I need your help. If it works, we'll get the funding to go find Sivan and bring you to the States. As much as you don't like me, I need you to trust me. To trust Spencer. It all hinges on you and him."

Her own gaze turned fierce. When her hand rubbed over her empty belly, a thunderous crack burst through your core in grief.

"I trust Spencer. Tell me what I need to do."

Spencer finally woke about ten hours later, struggling to remember where he was. Grunting in pain after sleeping on a hard floor in his forties, he squirmed onto his belly until he could see the alarm clock.

6:56 p.m.

He was running late. Dinner started at Rossi's at seven. Scrambling to his feet, Spencer kicked off his boots, shucked his clothes, and hopped in the shower. The hot water had much better pressure than his CHU, and he closed his eyes and reveled in the feeling of it beating his muscles until they eased up.

When he opened them, he spotted his old shampoo and conditioner bottles, his body wash from four months ago still sitting in the same spot he'd left them the morning he left for Iraq. It was such a strange feeling, familiar but off. Like he didn't belong here and was showering at some strangers.

He popped one open and sniffed it, flinching at the harsh scent of cinnamon. He'd only brought along his cologne to Iraq as they frowned on outside products except for a few. Making a face, Spencer stepped out of the shower and tossed it in the bin and went for his gunny pack for the scentless ones he'd bought at the post exchange and went back in.

When he was finished, he got out and stood in a towel in front of his closet. Four months ago, his soft silks and expensive blend clothing had soothed his raging mind as he got often overwhelmed with clothing tags and scratchy fabrics. Now, when he touched them, they were too soft. He felt naked with them, so he opted for a pair of cargo pants and a black tee, and a coat for the DC winter.

Spencer had at least the forethought to charge his long dead cell phone, knowing you had his number and wanted to call. He stuffed it in one of his thousand pockets, grabbing his Homeland badge, then his gun.

He was almost at the door before he put it safely back in the nightstand. He wouldn't be needing it here.

The city was alive with people making last minute trips to shops as his cab ambled along through the night. Lamplight flooded the streets, washing them all in a white yellow glow. He found himself missing the bright harsh lights of the base, as these didn't let him see too far into the night.

Spencer paid the cabbie and walked up Rossi's front walkway. His hand touched the doorknob, spotting everyone's cars in the driveway. He knew this mansion by heart now, the way it sprawled along Rossi's expansive land, but he felt so out of place.

Should he knock? Knowing the team they might be offended if he showed such little familiarity, so he softly turned it and stepped inside. Voices echoed along the marble as he came in like an intruder in the night, his anxiety only growing under his skin.

Walking quietly so his heavy boots didn't thump along the hardwood, Spencer made his way through the kitchen and to the dining room. The voices grew louder, and he adjusted his pack nervously on his shoulder. He turned the corner to see a welcome sight before him.

JJ, Will, and the kids sat on one end of the room with Garcia and Luke, who were of course nearly draped across one another. Emily and Tara laughed into their wine glasses before a mountain of food and ham. Matt, his wife and kids sat near JJ's family. Even Morgan was there with Savannah and Hank. Rossi sat with his back to him, but none seemed to notice him.

He knocked lightly on the doorframe, "Room for one more?"

Silence fell over the room as they finally spotted him with jaws dropped. Then a chorus of cheers broke out through the room.

"Oh my god!" Garcia burst finally, jumping up from her chair. In an instant, everyone seemed to launch from their spots and surround him, and he was in a group hug he hadn't had in a long, long time.

He tried not to let it overwhelm him, as he hadn't been touched this much in a while. There were a lot of tears and happy laughs, and soon enough he was deposited in a chair next to Rossi and Emily. JJ piled a lot of food on a plate in her maternal fashion, pushed a fork and knife in his hands and ordered him to eat.

Your words came back to him again as he took his first bite of ham, the food has too much flavor. Spencer choked it down with a forced smile, but it was almost too much.

"How long are you back?" Garcia nearly demanded, her eyes alight with worry. Everyone's eyes were trained on him, and it was all he had not to wilt under the weight.

"I'm leaving the twenty-seventh."

"You're going back?" JJ asked quietly. Hurt washed over her, but he just nodded.

"I'm doing good work over there. Plus, I actually like it," he replied softly, but with conviction. He didn't need them trying to convince him to stay.

Morgan came up behind him and set a heavy pair of hands on his shoulders, "I can't believe it. Pretty boy became a soldier, and look at this hair!"

He ruffled Spencer's long locks, which he admitted to himself were getting too far past his shoulders. Spencer decided to throw JJ a bone since she used to cut his hair for him as he didn't like strangers touching him. "Speaking of which, could you give me a trim before I go?"

"Didn't want a flat top?" Luke smirked. He leaned back in his chair with his arm around Penelope's. "The barber shops on base don't give the best cuts."

"Yeah, the last thing I wanted was to look like Garrett," he told them sheepishly. "Guy wears that thing like a badge of honor."

"What all have you been doing over there?" Tara asked lightly. Thankfully, she hadn't bombarded him with too many hugs and kisses. Tara was always good about respecting his boundaries.

"I can't talk about much, but I've seen a lot. Speaking of which, I got you all something!" Spencer excitedly remembered. He hadn't shipped his Christmas presents since he wanted his visit to be a surprise.

They eventually moved to the parlor, opening presents and chatting idly. Emily gave him some sparkling grape juice that the kids drank since he didn't drink alcohol, and JJ clung tightly to his side, never letting him too far out of her sight as though he may disappear.

Spencer told them a bit about base life, which Luke backed him up on, taking the sting out of some of the harsher realities of it when Spencer accidentally let something slip. He talked about the villages and merchant streets he'd been to, the mountains he'd seen. He even lamented about having to go to the bathroom outside and how grateful he was for Barreti and his spare teepee.

He talked about the unit. He talked about you. He couldn't talk about Alijah, so he didn't. He told them how hard you were on him, pushing him to be better and stronger, that you never let up. You had high expectations, and even though it had been difficult to meet them, he would never stop trying to exceed them.

Eventually he found himself in one of the rooms with just Derek, Rossi, Luke and Will. Savannah and JJ had taken the kids to bed for the night, but Matt and his family had to travel out of state so they'd left early while the rest of them expected to stay at Rossi's overnight.

"I'll tell you what, kid," Rossi mumbled into his scotch. They'd all been drinking pretty heavily for the last few hours, and it was nearing midnight. "They didn't have bases like that when I was in the Corps. The desert? We were in the jungle mostly. It's a whole new world out there."

"It's not so bad," Spencer replied with a soft smile. He was the only sober one there, and he kept anxiously checking his phone for your call.

"It's called Bombaconda, Reid," Morgan pointed out, angling his beer bottle toward him. "Weren't you scared out there?"

Spencer and Luke shared a knowing look as he'd been there before joining the FBI. Spencer nodded, "At first, but with the unit I was fine. I got into a fight my first week with that jackass Mercer who took me to the DoD meetings and his team, and they backed me up even though they barely knew me."

"You got into a fight?" Luke asked, clearly impressed.

Spencer chuckled, "I didn't throw the first punch, but I dislocated my nose. Agent Y/N put it back for me after chewing them all out."

"Since then, it's just been us all working together. I feel like we all bonded a lot after all we've gone through. I trust them with my life."

"You have to in a place like that. If you can't trust your team, who can you trust?" Rossi agreed. "There's very few bonds as strong as a unit's. I still talk with mine from Vietnam."

"Do you know when you're coming back for good?" Morgan asked. "Everyone misses you."

Spencer felt caught suddenly, because he didn't even really want to come back. He wanted to stay with you and the unit for as long as it took. He clicked his teeth and sighed, "I don't know… Y/N and I are working on something big. When it's finished, she's retiring. I'm not coming home until we're done."

"She's real pretty," Rossi chuckled, and Luke made a face like he did over video calls each time someone called you hot, like you were his sister. "You like this girl?"

Heat rushed to his cheeks, but he was powerless to hide the smile that cracked open on his sunburned face. Spencer nodded, "I do actually. It's… new, but we talked and when we get back we want to try being together. I don't know if it'll work out, but I really hope it does."

He didn't tell them he loved you. He didn't want a lecture.

Eventually, they all turned in for the night. Spencer was growing worried, as you still hadn't called. It would be mid morning for you by the time he nestled into his spot on Rossi's couch, giving everyone else their own rooms with their partners and kids.

But sleep wanted to take him, and he couldn't stop it. The exhaustion of the last days and months caught up to him now that he was home with his family, but his dreams were filled with you and Alijah, of Sivan and his image of her from the locket.

He dreamed of a future, a life.

Together.

Notes: *GASP*What do you think reader's plan is???

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